All language subtitles for The Blacklist S09E06

I've lost the will.

Performing at my level,

there's absolutely no room for error.

It's just a lot of pressure, you know?

Too much.

We've talked about the adverse ways

that pressure has manifested
in your life,

but we've also discovered helpful ways.

Remember, behind every shadow,
there is a light.

Your next performance is this afternoon?

Oh, my God. I-I don't think I can.

Randall, look at me.

Randall.

The time has come for you to
tell yourself a different story.

Embrace the shadow,
and you will find the light.

Now, close your eyes and visualize.

You're on the way to the venue.

You feel the music.

Take a moment and let it center you.

It reminds you that you, too,
are a virtuoso.

And, as you have 100 times before,

you take out your instrument...

and find the light.

Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com

They know.

Heber's just covering his ass.

Charlene vouched for me.

She lied to give me an alibi.

Clearly, he doesn't believe her.

You're a cop. Heber's a cop.

Alright, he just doesn't wanna seem like

he's playing favorites.

That's all this is.

He doesn't suspect you.

He will when the ballistics come back.

Or haven't you been listening?

Heber was here an hour ago,

with a warrant to test
my service weapon.

When he does, he's gonna know
it was my gun

that was used to kill Doug Koster.

Harold, it's going to be fine.

My wife had an affair with Koster.

Day after he's killed,

Heber sees me at the crime scene.

My gun's the murder weapon.

In what world does that
add up to "fine"?

Is Pinky still coming over?

He sure is.

Alright, look, I should get going.

We'll talk later.

Stop worrying.

Well, hello, you.

But when Pinky comes over,
we're gonna have to talk

for a couple minutes,
then he's all yours.

What're you gonna talk about?

That's the thing about Pinky.

He always keeps you guessing.

I assume this is on your radar.

It is.

Everyone's looking for the
congressman's would-be assassin.

Mm. Naturally.

But everyone is wrong.

The congressman wasn't the target.

The victim was -- Mary Parrot.

An assassin's bullet narrowly misses

a controversial politician
because it was actually aimed at

a beloved philanthropist?

Her philanthropy was beloved.

Her zeal for historical
preservation -- not so much.

She single-handedly spiked
dozens of construction projects

that she believed would
blight her fair city,

denying powerful people
fortunes large and even larger,

including Vito DeCanio.

You think the DeCanio Crime Syndicate

- had Mary Parrot killed?
- I do.

So you're putting them on the Blacklist.

Criminals we already know exist.

What you know about the DeCanios
is that they were weak,

and now they're strong.

What you don't know is why
or who is responsible

for their dramatic resurgence.

It's not the old man?

His therapist, actually.

Dr. Roberta Sand.

Everyone in the organization sees her.

- Vito's orders.
- A therapist.

To the mob.

Who makes the mob more effective.

Self-actualized.

The shrink helps them

fully realize their potential
as criminals.

Listen, I'm a criminal,
and however realized I may be

is due in large part
to shrinks and shamans,

rabbis and monks.

They hold me together
like a psychological bandage,

without which my sufferings
would be insufferable.

You told me that if you came back,

names would be taken,
a price would be paid.

But you didn't tell me
what names or why.

I don't know the names,

and without them, I don't know the why.

Are you don't talking yet?

We are.

Which means it's time for me
to get to the office

and for you two to have fun.

Mooms is upstairs.

If you or Pinky get hungry,
she can make you something.

Oh, now. What's that?

I'll play anything but gin again.

At least until I read up on it a little.

You're too good, and I was hopeless.

It's not gin.

It's a memory game.

Matching U.S. states and their capitals.

Oh, my. Okay.

Let's do it. I'm ready.

Although, I don't think
I'll fare any better

than I did in gin.

Well, at least this time,
you have an excuse.

What?

I'm fine. My memory is fine.

Sort of.

I'm older, not ancient.

Well, I didn't mean that.

I mean you won't know the capitals

because you're not from here.

I wouldn't know the capitals of Russia.

Okay. Here's how you play.

Vito DeCanio was a relic of the past.

A lion in winter.

Until, according to Reddington,

he hired a therapist who goes by
Dr. Roberta Sand.

He's convinced the DeCanio
family's recent rise

- is her doing.
- That won't last long.

A witness is in federal custody
who's going to testify tomorrow

that DeCanio himself ordered

three separate hits on his rivals.

I've been to therapy since I was 10.

I've never heard of a shrink who
tries to help people get worse.

10.

I was, um, having a hard time
with differential calculus.

You learned calculus at 10?

Well, I learned it at 8.

I taught it at 10. Or, uh, tried to.

My parents just couldn't
grasp the concepts.

It was an incredibly frustrating
time for everyone.

I'm not sure I believe
a therapist should be

held responsible for DeCanio's upswing,

but according to Reddington,
DeCanio thinks she is.

That makes her very valuable to us.

Vito tells me he has a project for you.

He says it requires teamwork
and cooperation.

But he says you'd rather
piss on each other

and say that it's raining.

So, any thoughts?

- Do we know anything about her?
- Nothing.

No photos, no prints,

and a search on her alias went nowhere.

If we have no leads,
where should we start?

Mary Parrot.

Reddington says she isn't
the unfortunate victim

of a bullet meant for a politician.

He says that she was a preservationist

who sidetracked a number
of lucrative developments

DeCanio stood to benefit from.

So, he had her killed.

Maybe.

And maybe her killer was under
the good doctor's care.

Find him, and maybe we find her.

Park asked if he could come.

How're they doing?

Not great.

She thought him seeing
where she works might help.

You want me to bring him to her?

No, I'll do it.

We're a little short-handed

since Ressler's taking a personal day.

You two stay focused on finding
Mary Parrot's killer.

Hey.

I'm glad you're here.

Are the episodes getting any better?

If by better, you mean
it feels like I'm being

stabbed in the eyes with a fork
instead of a knife,

then sure.

The quiet helps.

And caffeine.
Anyway, uh, it's all passed now.

Come on. Lemme give you a tour.

I don't need a tour.

You wanting me to come is enough.

What I do is secret.

That I do it shouldn't be.

Not from you.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

I've been reading medical journals,

researching everything I can
to find out what happened.

Whether we lost the baby
because of my job,

the directed-energy weapon...

I know you want to know the reason.

I'm sorry you don't.

Man, I just keep saying sorry, don't I?

It's fine.

I mean, if I'm being honest,

you kind of have a lot to apologize for.

But so do I.

I don't want to believe

I married someone
who can hide everything,

but I think I did,

and that's what I'm sorriest about --

that I married someone
I just don't know...

if I know.

Hey. Cooper updated me while
you were at the crime scene.

Find anything?

Okay, so, NYPD is nowhere
on the shooter.

Was it a passerby, someone in
a vehicle, a building?

They don't know.

So, we read the eyewitness
statements and M.E. reports.

From that, we got this.

Alright, the victim was here.

Now, based on the entry wound,

the shooter was somewhere to the east.

NYPD canvassed the most likely building

based on the assumed trajectory,

which would put the shooter
on this rooftop.

Only they didn't find the
shooter or any evidence of him.

So, I think the shooter was here.

Same angle, just farther back.

He fires, the bullet goes
over the rooftop

of the lower building,
across the street,

and between the flagpoles
and obstructions,

and into the victim.

That building isn't further back.

It's, like, in another county.

Who can make a shot like that?

I could.

I'll pull CCTV footage
from around that building

at the time of the shooting,
see if we can ID anyone.

Vermont.

Montpelier.

Kentucky.

Frankfort.

Carson City.

Nevada.

Okay, maybe I am ancient.

Well, I told you,

you have an excuse.

Yes, thank goodness.

When did you stop being Russian?

That's a funny question.

How did you know I was Russian?

My mother told me.

She told me everything I would
ever need to know about you.

She must've said a lot.

She did.

But at the end of it,

she said all I needed to
remember was that

Raymond Reddington was the most
important person in her life,

besides me, and she was glad
that I had met you,

and she wished that we could meet again.

I am really glad we did.

She said you liked to hold hands.

I'm starved.

You want to go see if Mooms
wants to eat with us?

Okay.

Dino, I need you to focus.

We can't do this work without you.

Yeah, it'd be nice if
he worked on something.

I'm the brains of the operation,

and everybody knows it.

Last I checked, you couldn't
tell a socket wrench

from your elbow.

Yeah, maybe that's 'cause
I don't have to.

'Cause I'm not a drudge, like you.

You think you're better than us?

I know I'm better than you.

- Say that again!
- Gentlemen, gentlemen.

I have a question for the three of you.

What are you getting
out of all this anger?

- He's gonna get his nose broken.
- Ha.

And then what?

I mean, you have a big project coming up

that requires teamwork.

Do you think punching him in the face

is gonna make that happen?

No. It's definitely not.

Exactly.

Now, everyone has a path in life,

and the path you're on, well,

most people would say
that it's the wrong one,

but what a man can be, he must be.

So, to be clear,
I'm not here to tell you

to stop being angry or to judge you.

No. My goal is to help you

stop judging yourselves and each other.

This is the roof from which the sniper

shot and killed Mary Parrot,

and only three minutes after the murder,

who walks out the building,

but everyone's favorite noir stereotype,

Mr. Instrument Case.

Now, we have no ID on the sniper,

but on the plus side, we happen to have

a sniper on the payroll.

Shooting from that distance
is extremely difficult

and takes a great deal of practice.

And when he says "from that distance,"

he means anywhere from
500 yards to, say,

I don't know, Kansas.

Of the gun ranges in that area,
there's only one

with lanes longer than 300 yards.

And guess who's a member
in good standing.

As I live and breathe.
It is good to see you.

Hey, Jean. This is my friend Mary.

Nice to meet you.

So, you gonna tell me what's going on?

About a week back, Red comes out here

with this little, itty-bitty Latinx-er,

acting like she's the new you.

And I appreciate your concern,
but I'm fine.

Raymond and I -- we had a good run.

So, what're you doing
for an encore, then?

I joined the FBI.

I hired him,

for a job that needs a pro's pro.

Given what's required,

I'm told we should be
asking for this man.

Hmm. Beasley.

He's a hell of a shot.

Any chance you have his address?

Get down!

Got you.

Randall Beasley.

You're under arrest.

I don't understand.

I thought you were having
such a fun time with Agnes.

What is that?

A piece of the past.

The answers are here,

in a letter she wrote to you.

Why do you have a letter
my mother wrote to me?

For when the time was right,

to let you know the truth.

What are you gonna do with it?

Cvetko is meeting us at the jet.

I'm hoping he can tell me about
its more recent history.

Like what?

I hate to think.

We've gone through
everything we found at Beasley's house.

Cache of weapons, letters from his mom

who thinks he's a PE teacher, and this.

11 appointments just
this month for dog grooming.

So, he's a dog person.

That's the thing --
there's no evidence he had one.

And if that is not curious enough,

each appointment is scheduled

to take place at a different address.

Well, intersections, actually.

Second Avenue and 16th Street
on Tuesday the 30th,

then Friday the 3rd on 63rd
and Central Park West.

None of which correspond to
a pet store or groomer.

- So, it's a code.
- For what?

We don't know the what. Just the how.

Beasley would send a text
requesting an appointment,

then get one back with a location,

and this location is just a few blocks

from where Mary Parrot was killed,

and the date and time is
an hour before he killed her.

This is definitely evidence
of something.

You need to get him to tell us what.

Hey, Lew.

Now?

I'm in the middle of a c--

You got a ballistics report?

Yeah. Tell me where and when.

The dog grooming -- tell us about it.

I got a Lhasa Apso. Her hair knots.

We know it's a code.

Then what do you need me for?

You murdered an innocent woman.

And yet, here you are,
as calm as can be.

And we know why.

Therapy.

A twisted version of counseling

to make you feel good about being bad.

And exhale.

Now, how does that feel?

Honestly? Better.

Eh, kind of like our hearts

started beating at the same time.

That's what these are, right?

Therapy appointments?

I'm not talking about that.

11 appointments in three weeks.

That is almost one every other day.

Why so many?

Because that's how long it took Dr. Sand

to convince you it was okay to kill.

That's what she did, isn't it?

Make you feel okay about murder.

Dino? Eh, there's no wrong answers,

as long as you're honest
about how you feel.

I, uh -- I feel alright.

Look, I'm not saying I'm happy
about Johnny threatening me,

but I, uh -- I get it.

We need to swallow our pride
for the good of the team.

Johnny?

What? You want me to be honest?

Absolutely.

This doesn't work unless you are.

Okay, then. Uh, honestly?

I feel like I'm on an episode
of "Dr. Phil".

Hey.

As bad as we know you are,

we think Dr. Sand is worse.

Help us, and we'll help you.

The codes are appointments.

Show us how it works.

I understand how it feels to have guilt

about things you've done in the past.

You know what you did was wrong.

Show us you know.

Johnny's not ready.

It's a three-man job.

One that you said requires
complete trust.

Johnny doesn't have it.

Maybe if I had more time with him --

No, that's not an option.

Then my advice is you find someone else.

Well, what about Dante?

You know the answer to that.

Well, you said we needed somebody --

I did. But not him.

It's an important job.

We have an understanding.

If it goes well,
he can write his own ticket.

_

Look, you're the best at what you do,

which is making people
feel good about themselves.

At what I do, I'm the best.

And making people feel good
has nothing to do with it.

Are you threatening me?

After everything that I've done for you?

Ah, first of all,

we both know who you do it for,
and it sure ain't me.

And secondly, yeah, I'm threatening you.

That's what I do.

Dante's in.

You got a problem with that,
see a shrink.

Is that --

Wait, it's really
dog-grooming appointments?

I don't know if the president's
dog's in there

getting a trim of what,

but Jazz Paws is tricked out
with armored panels

and a GPS jammer.

Let's move.

FBI!

Exit the vehicle now!

I don't understand.

This says my gun
wasn't the murder weapon.

- Imagine that.
- I can't, because it was.

We -- We -- We ran the ballistics.

We know the truth.

Yeah, but they don't,
and they never will.

Lew.

What did you do?

Nothing that you wouldn't do
if I asked you.

But I didn't ask.

I performed a little magic on the bore.

That's all you need to know,

and it's more than Heber ever will.

It's one lie built on another.

First I rope in Charlene, now you.

You didn't rope me in, alright?

I did it because I know you,

and I know you didn't kill Doug Koster.

You don't know that.

I don't know that.

I hated that man because of
what he did to my marriage.

At my worst, who knows
what I could have done?

What I know

is that innocent people
get convicted all the time.

And I wasn't about to let that
happen to you.

You feel guilty, like you're
getting away with murder,

but you're not,

because you're not a murderer.

- Someone killed Koster.
- Yeah, that's right.

And then they framed you,

and now that you're in the clear,

it's time to find out
who did that and why.

It doesn't feel like I'm in the clear.

Yeah. I guess that's why
you haven't thanked me.

How'd it work?

You roll up in a van,
dig up some deep-seated trauma,

figure out how to exploit it, then what?

Send you client off
to commit the perfect crime?

Anything I did or didn't say
to my clients is privileged.

Not if you didn't report a crime

you knew they were going to commit

or made them comfortable committing it.

I help my clients be comfortable
in their own skin.

Comfortable? Committing crimes?

Giving in to their darkest impulses?

Everyone has dark impulses, Agent Park.

Even you.

Yeah, ones that, like any normal person,

I hate about myself

and that I'd hope a therapist
would cure me of.

Cure you? Of what?

Uh, being who you are?

Why would you possibly want
anyone to cure you of that?

Once I was dead and gone,

I wanted Elizabeth to know everything.

So, I gave Dembe the letter

with very specific instructions.

Only when I'm gone.

Give it to Elizabeth,
but only when I'm gone.

Later that night,
Elizabeth was shot and killed.

Okay.

But what does that have to do

with whatever happened with Agnes?

I think she said her mother
told her about those things.

Elizabeth would never have told her

unless she'd read the letter.

Am I interrupting?

Ah! Vlad, please, come sit.

Ah, good to see you again.

Ah, great to see you.

Uh, Weecha, you're in
the presence of greatness.

Vlad's one of the world's
foremost forensic analysts.

I have a, uh, finger
in a drawer at home.

Would you be able to
tell me who it belongs to?

Would be easier if you had
a-a head in a box.

If you can identify the finger, I will.

Eh, is that why you wanted to see me?

No, although I'm always
intrigued by streams crossing.

So, we'll get you the finger,
but first, this envelope.

I need you to tell me

if Elizabeth Keen's fingerprints
are on it.

That's it?

That's all you need? Besides the finger?

Yes.

I've had a copy of her prints
sent to you.

Consider it done.

Out of curiosity, what answer
you are hoping for?

That her prints aren't there.

That I'm... imagining things.

Sir, we ran her prints. Dr. Sand.

Her name is Eleanor Russo.

She used to be in private practice,

kept up with her licensing,

until she fell off the grid
five years ago.

- Any idea why?
- A theory, yeah.

Him.

DeCanio's body man?

Who also happens to be her son.

What did Sand say about it?

She hasn't yet.
We're about to find out now.

I already told the other two

I won't violate
doctor-patient privilege.

I don't want to talk
about your patients.

To them, you're Dr. Sand.

It's Eleanor Russo I'm interested in.

Eleanor and her son, Dante.

UCLA medical school,

a thriving practice in Philadelphia,

then five years ago, you vanish.

People like you don't vanish.

Not without a good reason.

Is Dante your reason?

I vanished because
my marriage fell apart.

Because we fought over Dante,

and the more we fought,
the worse he got.

Cutting school,
hanging out with bad people

who introduced him to worse people.

Vito DeCanio.

Yeah, eventually.

But not until after he'd
committed a number of crimes.

Enough to get him arrested.

And that's when Vito stepped in

to help keep him out of prison.

If you agreed to help him.

He said if I'd counsel his people,

he'd keep Dante out of harm's way.

Today, he broke that deal.

If I help you, will you protect him?

I promise to try to protect you both,

but I'm unable to do that unless
you tell me where Dante is.

We demo and snatch, you drive.

It's teamwork, just like
the doctor ordered.

As in Dr. Sand?

Yeah, you seeing her, too?

Me? No. I tried therapy.

Had issues with my mom. It didn't take.

Yeah, well, like Dr. Sand says,

growth only happens
if you're open to it.

Maybe you weren't open.

Yeah. Maybe.

Hey, what time does
the construction crew arrive?

Whenever Vito tells them.

That he controls.

Wildcard was the preservationist.

She wanted to shut us down.

Would've made this whole
snatch-and-grab impossible.

There you go.

You do know this is a protection detail,

not a rehearsal for
the World Series of Poker.

So, this Herman guy --
what's he testifying about?

He's not gonna be testifying.

He's gonna be crying for his own mama

whenever Vito gets a hold of him.

Now, get back to the car.

Couldn't it be a good thing?

That Liz knew the truth before she died?

No.

Why not?

Because she knew,
she was able to tell Agnes

how important you were to her.

And her to you.

It's why she encouraged
your relationship with Agnes.

What if it's also a part
of why she died?

I can't do it.

That's alright.

I don't want to.

Her hesitation. The time it took.

If she hadn't hesitated,

she might've survived.

Eleanor -- Dr. Sand --

she says DeCanio has a crew working
a job

at a property he owns downtown.

Working on what?

We've been nibbling at the edges

of the DeCanios' syndicate for years.

If she wants a deal,

her intel's gonna have to lead
us higher up the food chain.

All she knows is that it's connected

to Mary Parrot's death,
it involves her son,

and that the old man said it's urgent.

Companies associated with the DeCanios

are mid-construction on
two sites we know of downtown --

a luxury hotel and a residential tower.

What's Parrot's connection?

Was there a preservationist objection?

Not to those sites.

Her big push downtown

was to landmark Memorial Baptist Church.

Now, she'd held up developers
who wanted to demolish it,

but now that she's dead,
the sale can go through,

and the building can be torn down.

And DeCanio's a silent partner.

That's what this is about?

Killing a preservationist
to demolish a church?

We're missing something. What?

Well, sir, there is something else.

When cross-referencing the address,

the building next door
pinged our database.

I recognize it. This church.

But I can't remember why.
What's the address?

- 30 West Oak Street.
- Oh, my God.

Herman Levy, the informant,

the one testifying against DeCanio --

WITSEC is holding him at
a safehouse at 32 West Oak.

They're trying to get to him
before he testifies.

Not if we can get to him first.

Go. I'll alert the Marshals,

and Main Justice about a deal for Sand.

She didn't get us up the food chain.

She got us to the top of it.

Let's hope we're not too late.

Alright.

Third floor. Let's move.

Yeah.

Grab the rat.

FBI!

FBI! Drop your weapons!

This is all very confidence-inspiring.

Dante Russo?

I have the son.

Dr. Sand is in custody.

She and her son.

- And DeCanio?
- He's been arrested.

The doctor's son worked for him as well.

Both of them are set to be
transferred to Main Justice

to sign immunity agreements
in exchange for

everything they know about DeCanio.

Have you spoken with Agnes yet?

Did she say whether she had
a good time or not?

She said that you, and I quote,

"suck at state capitals,"

which I took to mean
a good time was had by all.

- Yes.
- You're doing well with her.

I'm impressed.

And hopeful that, like me,

you're finding that
being around her helps,

in every way.

What about Sand?

What do you think?

You know her story.
Now you've questioned her.

Do you think DeCanio was right
to hire her?

I do. She's smart and thoughtful.

I'm not surprised with
the results she got.

We're gonna testify against Vito?

After he sent me to kidnap
a witness in federal custody,

we're signing up to federal witnesses?

We both know it's the only way out.

Well, what we know
is there's no way out.

He's using you now.

For dangerous jobs.

I can't protect you anymore.

You think the feds can?

- Hey.
- What the hell is that?

Hey. Hello?

What is it? What's going on?

- It's him.
- Hey!

- Hello?
- Mom.

Get out of the van.

It's him.

On your feet.

Dr. Sand, I presume.

You're Raymond Reddington.

Did DeCanio send you?

Dear Vito's been detained.

I'm here of my own volition
with a proposal.

Would you care to hear it?

Vito DeCanio.

Welcome to federal custody.

Been there twice,
for a total of six hours.

Third time's the charm.

Where are they?

You heard me. Where the hell are they?

- Agent Park --
- Where did you take them?

- Alina, hey --
- He hit the convoy.

With Dr. sand.
She and her son -- they're gone.

I got no idea what you're talking about.

If you did anything to her --

Okay. Stop.

If you did anything,
we're gonna find out.

I didn't do anything.

But I'm in debt to the person who did.

Take him to interrogation.

Your personal therapist?

Yes, for which you'll be
well paid and safe from harm.

You said DeCanio's been arrested.

He has,

but he has friends in high places.

Just not as high as me.

I helped him to protect my son.

Why should I help you?

I need your help.

And what I do, my professional life --

you will not be a part of that.

Helping you personally
helps you professionally.

That's how this process works.

Just give me three months.

On the island of your choice.

At the end of which, you're free to go.

I hope you won't,
but it'll be up to you.

Consider it a palate cleanser.

A transition from a distasteful past

to a delightfully piquant future.

Why me?

The details of my story

are not for the faint of heart.

Based on your history,

I believe you can stomach
pretty much anything.

I'm not a miracle worker.

No need. I already have one of those.

Let's talk islands.

Headache?

No.

Embarrassment.

For what?

What, losing it on DeCanio?

Come on, I understand.

This job -- This job can get
under your skin.

It's hard, being someone
who crosses lines.

People judge you for it,
so then you judge yourself.

Dr. Sand is right.

We all have dark impulses.

And most of the time,
there is no cure for that.

So, the idea --

well, at least the idea
I came up with after spending

my grandparents' entire
inheritance on therapy -- is...

is to not hate yourself because
you have dark impulses,

but to love yourself in spite of them.

How big was your inheritance?

$86,749.

I'd say it was money well spent.

Harold, I hope you're right about

the good doctor's efficacy.

Sand.

You took her.

"Took" is a big strong, but yes,

she's agreed to work with me.

Instead of testifying against DeCanio.

There'll be plenty of
testifying against him

before it gets around to her.

Hopefully, by then, I'll be a better man

and she won't be so frightened.

Gotta fly, Harold.

Cvetko? He just called.

The prints match.

Dr. Sand.

We should talk.

I told myself I wasn't honest with you

because if you found out
the truth about me,

about who I was,

you wouldn't like what you saw.

But the truth is, I wasn't honest

because I didn't like what I saw.

It adds up to the same thing.

I couldn't expect you to love me
when I didn't love myself.

So, that's what I'm gonna try and do.

Learn to love myself.

And maybe you can love me, too.

Harold Cooper.

I texted a photo.

Look at it.

Who is this?

Look at it.

There's audio, too,

of you and your friend
evidence-tampering.

- What do you want?
- So much.

And with what I know about you
and the murder of Doug Koster,

I'm confident you're gonna
give it to me.

I found peace and tranquility

and a real feeling of...

...quiet.

Yet, I abandoned it

out of this compulsion
for chaos and peril.

I had found light.

Yet I'm compelled by the dark.

It animates me,

so much so that I drag others into it.

Others that I care desperately about.

So, what is the purpose?

If I'm willing to risk
everything good in my life,

to even defend risking it
as necessary or just,

when I know

the result will only be...

...a deepening darkness.

Tell me, where is this
coming from right now?

Why now?

I recently discovered
that I was betrayed

by my oldest and closest friend.

I'm apprehensive about the depth
and breadth of my anger.