All language subtitles for Hoff The Record s02e03 Divorce.eng

-David Hassel...
-David Hasselhoff...

According to
The Guinness Book of World Records,

over 1.1 billion viewers
watched David Hasselhoff

at the height of his fame.
But where did the viewers go?

...comeback tour
was pulled by US promoters.

Is the career of the famous
lifeguard all washed up?

David Hasselhoff has now
filed for bankruptcy.

According to his UK manager,
he is leaving the United States

to pursue opportunities in England.

The British re-launch of David Hasselhoff
has ended in disgrace

after he was caught performing
for a notorious warlord.

After being implicated
in a child abduction,

is David Hasselhoff now unemployable?

[reporter] After the Hollywood actor
was discovered alive,

the public and media backlash has begun.

I need you to go to rehab.

The Olsen twins are doing it.
A few Chinese pop stars.

It really ups your profile.

You're not exactly Mr Popular

after that whole
pretending-to-be-dead thing.

[David Hasselhoff] I met someone in here.

He's helping me see life
in a totally different way.

I'm not peculiar.

You must understand that.

I've decided to stay.

Danny has a rapport with him
that the rest of us just don't have.

Not going to happen.

[Max] He's going to jump. David!

We are prepared, we are to fly.

Wait! You're an actor, aren't you, Kurt?

-I want to represent you.
-We're going to fly.

David, the flying can wait.

I've not worked since Peak Practice.

Oh.

It's time for this talent agency
to diversify.

You can't run an agency on one client.

Particularly when they don't have
that much talent.

My relationship with David
has been like a marriage,

and it's time for that marriage
to become polygamous.

I want an open relationship.

-Yeah, all right!
-[crowd cheering]

We really have had an exceptional night!

Guys, guess what? I just threw
a knife into the audience. [laughs]

You all right? Did you just watch that?

Yeah, yeah. It was pumping.

That was spicy. That was pimp.

Did you see the thing?
I was like, "God, you guys are electric."

So, I got that plug and put it into
that girl's arm

-and it scratched all down.
-[laughs]

All blood was coming out
and she started moaning.

So, I was like, "Get out."
What are you doing? You're in my way.

Can I just stop you for a moment?

Harriet, is this guy funny, or what?

-Hilarious.
-[all laugh]

-You know, I've watched you on telly--
-Yeah.

-Now, I've seen you live.
-Yeah.

I think you're a real wit.

"Blah, blah, blah."
That's how you talk, innit?

"Nah, nah, nah, nah."

Can I get by?

-Though shalt not pass.
-[laughs]

-Harry Potter. Harry Potter.
-It's Gandalf.

Until I say the following sentence,

I'm Max Coleman
and I'd like to represent you.

Right. Steady on.

Don't you want to buy me
some dinner first?

'Cause that's what they say
in these situations, innit?

-So, this is Harriet, she's my assistant.
-Oh.

Sorry, but I don't really care about that.

-Oh, okay.
-[laughs]

[Harriet] It's all right, no one does.

[laughs]

-[grunting] Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah.

Seriously though, we'd really like you
to be part of our team.

Right, okay.

Well, er, you know, what are you going
to do for me if I'm part of your team?

Your agent right now is probably all about
you getting your foot in the door.

Yes.

What I'm about is you getting
your whole body in the door.

Well, I'm not so interested in doors,
I'm a little more interested in films.

Can you get me in films?

'Cause that's
what I'm interested in, right?

-Yes, absolutely. I can do that.
-Can you get me to meet JJ Abrams?

-Yeah, I can do... Harriet can sort that.
-Yes.

Okay, good.
'Cause he's a big fan of mine

and I feel like I'm missing an opportunity
by not meeting up with him.

He tweeted about me the other day
and I haven't even met him yet.

-Well, we need to get on--
-Did you read that?

-Er, not yet.
-He was like...

-He said--
-I need to catch up on my Twitter.

He said, "Mikey is number one,

and forever and ever
I'm going to be his biggest fan,

and there's no stopping his career

as long as he keeps doing
exactly what he's doing."

-That was a tweet, was it?
-Yeah, it was a tweet.

So, listen this was a great meeting.

-Yeah, it was all right.
-Great chat.

-Lovely to meet you.
-Well, listen, hey.

-We do hugs at my office.
-Yeah, not with me, you don't.

Okay. Change of policy.

-[door closes]
-That was a really great meeting.

I mean, he spoke and then I spoke.

I think I actually adapted
my dialect to suit him.

-That's smart.
-Okay, Max.

Listen, something's come up, okay.

Have you read the interview
you did in The Stage?

Oh yeah, I did an interview
in The Stage this week.

I'm having a fucking amazing week.

No, Max, it's not a good thing
because if I read it,

"Where in the world would you like
to be right now?"

And then you've said, "As far away
from David Hasselhoff as possible."

Here, "What's the worst thing
about your job?"

You've just said, "David Hasselhoff."

What were you thinking?

They've just written down
exactly what I said.

Max, that's what an interview is.

I'm pretty confident
that David Hasselhoff

does not read The Stage newspaper.

-Oh, you didn't get the joke, did you?
-The joke?

"David Hasselhoff isn't
exactly Laurence Olivier."

[Max] I said that because it's obviously
a ridiculous thing to say,

because you obviously are
as good as Laurence Olivier.

If I'm as good as Laurence Olivier,

then why didn't you bring that up
in the meeting

which you fell asleep in?
In the middle of the meeting!

[Max] I'd had a long day.

[David] You always have a long day
and you always have an excuse

for everything. What's going on Max?

-You're not even paying attention to me.
-Sorry. I'm feeling different.

I've been drinking a lot of Diet Coke.

Because you've been drinking
Diet Coke you're different?

It's a factor.

You have another client, don't you?

-Not exactly.
-You have another client?

What is he? Is he younger?

-Everyone's younger than you.
-[exclaims]

Why didn't you tell me?

[Max] I was going to tell you,
but you know what?

I think it's a little bit weird
that as an actor,

you expect your manager
to only have one client.

You... [exclaims]
You cheated on me?

You cheated on me?
And on me?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Thing about David is,
a little secret is, er,

he is a fucking deep well of rage,

that he's had to sit on
'cause he's famous.

You can't go out in the streets
and start kicking shit over,

and throwing cars like the Hulk,
like the rest of us get to do.

He has to suppress it.

But when it comes out,
it's like a fucking volcano.

Watch that! Watch that!
Yeah. That's it.

Of course I'm going to find out.

Reminded me of my mum.
Like, sometimes my mum used to do that.

She used to throw
the remote control at me.

You know what I mean?
Like when I was...

She would just throw
the remote control at me.

And I'd dodge it, obviously.
Matrix it, just dodge it.

And then it would break,
and then she would blame me

for breaking the remote control,
so, it reminded me a little bit of that.

Hi, can you come in here for a moment?

[Max] Sometimes you get to a point
in a relationship,

where everyone would be better off
if you just went your separate ways.

So, Max and I have decided
to part company.

Will we all still see each other?

[Terry] Yeah, what...

What about Chicken Cottage Sundays?

There will be no more
Chicken Cottage Sundays.

[sighs]

You guys have to decide
who you want to go with.

-With you, David.
-With you, Dad, 100%.

My intention is to work with you, David.

There it is, let's go.

Harriet, you're under contract!
You're coming with me.

[mouthing] Shit.

The only thing in my mind was just like,

what about Chicken Cottage Sundays?

You know, and I was getting
choked up a little bit 'cause...

Obviously, I still went on my own
and smashed a bucket meal on my own,

just, you know what I mean,
out of depression, really.

So, it was pretty sad.
I was drowning in chilli sauce that night,

just thinking about what the fuck's
happened to my life.

The bottom line is, Dave,
are you comfortable with me

speaking frankly?

Please be completely frank with me.

I think you've been
completely mismanaged.

Really?

Max Coleman, who you've been
dealing with, I know him.

He's a total nobody.

Okay, I've forgotten his name already.

You are a national treasure.

You could be the crown jewels.

You should be the crown jewels.

We just need to build up
your credibility as an actor.

Have you ever thought about Shakespeare?

-Shakespeare? Wow.
-Bear with me, Dave.

Because where I'm coming from

is I'm thinking,

Tennant,

-Cumberbatch, Hasselhoff.
-Oh.

There's a production of Macbeth
coming up in The National Theatre.

I know the director.

If you want, I can put you two
in a room together.

You think I could do it?

I think you would be a revelation.

Thank you.
I mean, no, seriously, thank you!

I never got this confidence from Max.

Thank you.

I've never been anything else, really.

I've always known
it's what I wanted to do.

One of my friends, actually,
her father was in show business,

he worked on Basil Brush and so,
and I remember, this moment,

I was seven years old,
and we went backstage,

and she was all, "Basil, Basil."
And I didn't...

What I wanted to know
is who was managing Basil.

You know, how did it all work?

And what the margins were.

See you. Bye.

-Max!
-Hey!

-How you doing, mate?
-Tezza, me old buddy.

[both laugh]

So, erm, how's things?
Your mum, she okay?

Yeah, no, she's still dead.

-Oh.
-Yeah, 15 years.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

How's the grave? Grave good?

Grave keeping well?

Well, I mean, she was cremated
so, no grave.

Because of...
[stammers] Culture.

Your...

Anyway, I came to get, erm,
David's headshots actually.

-Right.
-'Cause he asked me

if I could come pick em' up,
if that's all right.

Sure, erm, oh, there they are.

-[both laugh]
-I've been meaning to put them away.

I haven't been looking at them
or anything.

-No, yeah, of course not.
-[Max laughs nervously]

So, erm, you been busy?

-We've been so busy, yeah.
-What's he busy with?

-Just like surgery, or--
-Well, no paid work, yeah.

-Oh, right.
-From, er, from our new manager

-so, it's been a lot of work.
-New manager?

-Yeah, Deborah St--
-Deborah Scudden?

-That's the one.
-Seriously?

Yeah.

I mean, look,
since Hoff's been with Deborah,

his new agent, he's a different man.

He's got a different get-up-and-go,
do you know what I mean?

Like, I mean, most days he wouldn't
even brush his teeth in the morning

'cause he'd be like, "What's the point?
I'm not going to get any work."

But he brushes his teeth every day.
Sometimes even twice a day.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

-They're having lunch now.
-Okay.

At the Century Club, I think.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

-Well, I've been really busy.
-Yeah.

You should tell David that.
You should tell David I've been busy.

All right then, well, geezer.

Well, listen, all right then, geezer.

-Lovely seeing you.
-Yeah.

[phone beeps, ringing]

Harriet?

Do you know the Century Club?

-Harriet.
-Hello, David.

-Hi. Oh, my God.
-Hello.

Harriet, this is my new manager, Deborah.
This is my former assistant.

Deborah thinks I can do Shakespeare.

-Oh!
-Yeah.

-David, I've got to be quick actually.
-Yeah.

It's sort of embarrassing,
but Max has sent me here

-to get the jacket back.
-Oh.

-Harriet, this is my jacket.
-Max said it was very much a lend.

Well, no, it's not actually a lend.
He actually gave it to me as a gift.

Sorry, David.
He definitely said he lent it to you,

and he said he wants it back.
I do need to now take that from you.

[Harriet] Sorry.
[David] Wow.

He gave me that jacket.

You know, I thought that
was really, really petty.

And I don't know whether...
It's not going to fit him.

'Cause he's a little guy,
he's a little weasel guy, you know?

Fine. No problem.

[sighs]

Give it to me first.

[snorts]

[spits]

There you go.

That's from me.

Cool.

[David gasps]

[both laugh]

I like your style.

[Max] Ah, golf.

Whoo!

Right, that's a three wood, do you think?

-You reckon?
-Yeah.

-Yeah, cool.
-Yeah.

Max?

What are you doing? That's an iron.

Do you know what?
Nah, nah, nah, forget it. Forget it.

Just take the shot.

It's just quite funny to be around
someone shit all the time.

He's like, clumsy.
Like, he can't do anything right.

Like, the other day,
he just like smacked his head into a wall.

[chuckles] 'Cause I like pushed
his head against a wall.

-Ah, golf.
-Stop saying, "Ah, golf," please.

Weirdest man I've ever met.

Everyone knows you're playing golf.
We're on a golf course.

Or you're not playing golf as it seems,
you're saying, "Ah, golf."

So, play some golf!

Let's have a good look at that.

-Is it meant to be on that stick?
-Take the shot!

All right, okay.

Look, I know people around here,
people are waiting on us.

Right, okay?
I've got to keep my rep up.

Just hit the ball, please.

Just looking at getting it...

On the green.

What are you gazing at? It's on the tee.

It's because of the stick.
Is it meant to be on that stick?

I can't.

Whoo.

To be honest, I was surprised
it took David so long to leave Max.

When a relationship reaches its end,

you need to pull the cord.

Pull the rip cord and jump.

Jump, then pull the rip cord,
otherwise you'd be...

Fucking mess in the plane.

But I've done that
in a relationship as well.

Any news on Macbeth?

-Yes, they are casting next week.
-Yeah.

So, what I thought we would do is work

on getting you better at acting.

Yeah. You don't think I'm good?

Yeah. No, what I mean is getting you...

Making you better at acting
than you already are, Dave.

-You mean better at Shakespearean acting?
-Shakespearean!

-It's different, isn't it?
-Shakespearean's different.

-I did do a little in high school.
-You're kidding me?

"Romans, countrymen, and lovers!

Hear me for my cause,
and be silent, that you may hear."

Dave, I got goose bumps then
when you did that.

I was blown away. I had tears in my eyes.

I didn't understand it...

Per se, but it didn't matter,

and I think that's the point
about Shakespeare.

And I suddenly realised
that it doesn't matter what it means.

I mean, I was surprised.

You know, how good he was.
I was genuinely surprised.

-Max?
-Hey.

Good to see you.
This is Mikey, Mikey Dawson.

He's my new client.

-All right.
-Hiya.

Hey, how are you? I'm David Hasselhoff.

-How do you know Max?
-Max was my manager.

You used to manage David Hasselhoff?

-Yeah.
-What are you...

Right. Nice to meet you.

-This is my new manager, Deborah.
-Yes, yes, Max, yes.

-It's good to see you again.
-Mmm-hmm.

-So, where you been, Max?
-Just generally really busy.

Really busy.

-Please, sit down.
-Yeah, yeah.

-Fantastic!
-All right.

[Mikey] Doesn't make that much sense
to me but, all right.

Dave is an incredibly talented actor.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Did you know he did Shakespeare?

I know he thinks he can, yeah.

No offence,
I thought you were dead, mate.

-Is that not a thing?
-[all laughing]

A lot of people did.
That's one of the reasons I left Max.

[Mikey] Right.

Should I know you from something?

-Oh.
-I think you do know me from somewhere.

-I'm on, uh, I'm on TV.
-Oh.

Like you used to be.

-[all laughing]
-[grunts] Like that!

-Punch you, yeah.
-[David] Yeah, I like that.

-See, what he did there?
-Yeah. It's cool.

Yeah, it's funny.

So, what you guys been up to?

We're just here on
a brainstorming session.

I didn't know that. Are we?

Yeah. Just going through
all the offers that he's been getting.

-Just trying to filter them through.
-Have we?

Trying to pick which one.

Oh, hope it goes well.

It will go well for me.

Better than S-Club Juniors.

[chuckles] Do you remember that, Max?

Oh, it is such a funny story.
You gotta tell that story.

No, we do actually have a meeting.
We've got a meeting.

You know S Club 7,
there's big ones and the little ones?

-Yeah.
-S Club 7 Juniors.

Max had S Club Juniors.

And where did you book them?

-[chuckles]
-He didn't realise.

Where was it? Hooters.

-Hooters?
-He booked them into Hooters!

-It wasn't Hooters.
-He thought they were the big ones.

-You put kids in Hooters?
-I didn't!

It wasn't Hooters, where was it?
Spearmint Rhino.

It was in association
with Spearmint Rhino.

-Wow.
-The police were involved and everything.

Over-blown, over-blown.
The whole thing was over-blown.

[mouthing] Let's go.

-Listen, we do have to go.
-Yeah, let's go.

Let's do this again, huh?

Why would we do this again?
That would be mental.

-We should. Yeah, good to see you.
-Okay. All right.

-[Deborah] Bye, Grumpy Smurf.
-[laughs]

-Why are you saying Grumpy Smurf?
-'Cause you look like Grumpy Smurf.

Well, if we're talking about
how people look,

maybe I'll call you a horse.

Because you're wearing black.

A black, a black beauty.
But not a beauty.

[stammers] A black munting.

-Yep. On your bike. Jog on.
-Yeah.

-Nice to meet you, Mickey.
-It's Mikey.

Cheers, Donald.

[Deborah laughs]

That's me getting your name wrong.

Ooh!

I don't hold anything
against this new actor.

I felt bad for him.

I wanted to say, "You know what?

You got Max.

[clicks tongue] Good luck."

I just feel bad for David, really,

because things are great for me now.

Me and Mikey, we just click.

[phone ringing]

[Mikey] Hello, Max.
It's Mikey Dawson here.

Your favourite one of everyone.

Um, it's 3:33:31 in the morning,

and I want to know if JJ Abrams has called

about turning me into a film yet
'cause I want to be a film.

Uh, also, I'm in a shit hotel.

Come and pick me up, you lazy little cat.

[siren wailing]

Yeah, he's been in a cell overnight.
We picked him up in a shop

and he was, erm, shoplifting.

He was very drunk,

and very abusive.

Really?

-And could we see him?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[keys rattling]

[Mikey singing]

Yes, please.

Very nice to have seen you now.

You put me in a fucking prison
cell for fucking 24 hours?

Do you know what that
does to a brother's head?

It drives me crazy, girl.

I want to so badly be an impressionator.

-Impersonator.
-Doing, "Who's this?"

-I've got my best one.
-Okay, go on.

(IMPERSONATING)
Welcome home everybody to America.

Eddie Murphy?

Huh?

-Was it Eddie Murphy?
-I don't know.

Mikey's young and he seems to have
an interest in crack cocaine,

but you know, we...

You know, we all make mistakes
when we're young.

You fucking think I like that?
You fucking prick!

To be honest.

Are you sure he's ready to go home?

Yeah, he's wasted
quite enough of police time.

-[laughs] You all right?
-Yes.

Yeah. I'm wearing
women's knickers tonight.

Is this a dagger I see before me,

the handle towards my hand?
Come, let me clutch thee.

I have thee not, yet I see thee still.

You think I should do it like that
or maybe just a little bit more Scottish?

Okay, Dave, all right.
I've got to tell you.

Right, I'm not going to mess you around.
Um, I'm afraid it's gone away.

They loved you.
They loved the idea of you,

but they've gone with someone else.
I'm sorry.

It's gone away?

I'm so sorry.
You know, well done for learning it.

-It was impressive.
-Thank you.

You can't just walk into
the National Theatre as it happens,

and say, "David Hasselhoff
wants to play Macbeth."

I sort of thought you might be able to
but you can't do that, per se.

I mean, I've never tried it. I tried it.

That's how I am.

You know, they were rude, to be honest.
There wasn't...

There was no need to laugh.

I've had a call around
and I've found you something much better.

Much better.

-Another play?
-Mmm.

Well, I can't tell you about it
at the moment because it's top secret.

But what I can tell you is that it
is a very, very, very popular TV show.

-TV show?
-Yeah.

I mean, I think what you did
there was beautiful.

-Thank you.
-I think you would have been,

you would have been a...

You know, you would have been
a wonderful Macbeth.

-I just don't think those people--
-It's okay. It's okay.

They don't want to see talent and when
you come along, bringing something.

They don't want to know.
They don't want to know.

I can see you're upset. I'm sorry.

It just took me, like,
a couple of days to learn that.

Yeah, I know. You've put in a lot of work
and, erm, that's evident.

That little paragraph is hard, you know.

[Max] Well, what time
does your show start?

I see. And he hasn't turned up to make-up?

Okay, I'll try and find him.

Mikey? Are you in there?

Oi, I don't fucking barge in on you
when you're having a shit.

Been looking for you everywhere, mate.

Yeah, I've been fucking looking
for you everywhere,

but I haven't been sat here
having a fucking shit

on the weirdest toilet
I've ever felt in my life.

I can't even fucking find the hole in it.

Mikey, show's on in an hour, live TV.

You didn't even fucking get JJ Abrams
to come say hello and shake my hand,

and take me out to cinema. [snorts]

Hey, JJ Abrams might be watching tonight.
You don't want to let JJ down, do you?

Er, yeah, obviously not,
'cause I want to be a crab in Star Wars.

You'd be great at it.

Tell you what you'd be fucking great at.
Playing C-3PO.

He always goes around
pissing everyone off with his gold.

-This suit good for the show?
-Yeah, no, Dave.

Dave, you don't need to worry about that.

-Okay.
-You don't need to worry about that.

The costume department will
take care of all that.

Fantastic! What about the script?

I mean, you're not going to need one.

Deborah, if I'm presenting,
I need a script.

You're not presenting
in the conventional sense.

It's more, you're a very special guest,
and they are so excited to have you.

I think I know why you're being
so sneaky and so secretive.

Is it one of those programmes like,
"This Is Your Life, David Hasselhoff?"

Is it? Sneaky, you are so good.

I should tweet about this.

And then like, we got this tweet

saying Hoff's going to be
on This is Your Life.

Like, Hoff's life story on TV!

Like, I could be in it, do you know
what I mean? I'm part of his life.

So, we were all like,
"Let's go down there now!"

Do you know what I mean?
We were pumped!

[audience cheering]

This does not look like This is Your Life.

Well, this is the right address.

Hi, um, here's your costume.

So, we've just got a couple
of minutes, so if you just...

These are just shorts.

Oh, uh, no, you've got a robe as well.

-Oh.
-Okay, cool.

Uh...

What exactly is this gig?

It's 40 grand, okay, for ten minutes.

-What are the shorts for?
-Trust me. Okay, Dave?

I mean, if you don't want to do it...

I don't want to have to say this, Dave,

but I've got clients
who will get in those shorts.

I haven't worn shorts
on television in 20 years.

Wait, come on.

-Do you hear that?
-[audience cheering]

You want to let them down?
Just put the fucking shorts on.

[scoffs]

I'm like a chess master.
I'm thinking four or five moves ahead.

I'm thinking about taking
the bishop and the pawn,

and then I can see how,
with this knight and that castle,

we could get the queen.

In showbiz terms, that could be him
playing Macbeth at the National.

Do you want to be on
telly in a minute, mate?

Right, if I had a knife, I'm telling you,
I would fucking cut you right now.

You fucking--

And you're on in five, four,

-three, two, one.
-Which telly is it? Which telly is it?

[audience cheering]

I just licked the camera!

You lot are heroes, I love you.
Give me more! Give me more!

You lot are mad. I think you're so mad.

Lock em up, lock em up!
Lock em up. [laughs]

So, without further ado,
let me introduce to you the bill tonight

-for Celebrity Cage Fighting!
-[audience cheering]

It's wicked. I do this show called
Celebrity Cage Fighting.

And it's just like,
get the shittest celebrities around,

and just get 'em to knock each other out.
[laughs]

It's really...
Like, it's a shit show

but like it's funny 'cause it's shit.
It's just like, who cares?

I can't believe people are watching it.

But like, that's like part
of the joke for me.

[chuckling] Like, what?
What? What even is it?

In the blue shorts, your first fighter
is a critically-acclaimed novelist.

He's a six-time Booker Prize nominee.

He's going to need some Atonement
after tonight, yeah?

No, I haven't read it either,
don't you worry.

He's your mum's best friend's
favourite author,

welcome to the stage, Ian McEwan.

-[music playing]
-[audience cheering]

Right, next act!
He's no stranger to red shorts.

Oh, he's wearing them tonight.
He can really pull 'em off.

But let's just hope he doesn't

'cause I don't want to see
what's under there,

and I did see a tin of paint filler
and a shot glass in his room.

Ladies and gentlemen,
he's a celebrity, get him out a beer.

It's David Hasselhoff!

What?

[audience whooping and whistling]

I mean, I wouldn't tell David immediately
about the Celebrity Cage Fighting.

It would be wrong of me to tell him.

It would be wrong of me to tell him.

Because if I told him,
he would just get in a state about it.

[audience whooping]

[Mikey] You all know this man
from the '80s and '90s,

from various average TV series.

[Dieter] Dave, what are you doing?

[Terry] What are you doing, mate?

Yeah, I mean, look, I've been
to some of those nights before,

and it's not fucking friendly,
you know what I mean?

It's like, anything goes.

So, you know, you can bite,
you can stomp on balls,

you can do all kind of shit, you know?

So, I was worried about Hoff
because he's got very loose balls.

You know, they hang very low
so they're susceptible.

Do you know what I mean?
They're vulnerable.

For a little quick ball grab.
A little ball dash.

All I had in my mind was Hoff's nut sack.

And I just felt afraid for it.

[Mikey] He chatted to a car,
then he spent ten years getting drunk,

and now he's back and ready for action.

But why has he come back
in his red shorts?

Could it possibly be for the money,
ladies and gentlemen?

[silence]

Does anyone want to see David Hasselhoff
get the shit beaten out of him

by a Booker Prize-winning author?

I know I do.

Look, it's Max!

[Terry] What the fuck is he...

[Max] No, no. Fuck off!

No. No, I'm sorry, but, no, this is wrong!

I know David Hasselhoff
seems funny to you.

He seems funny to me.
Yes, Knight Rider was corny.

Yes, Baywatch was cheesy.
Yes, we know that.

But they both starred that man there,

and that man there
happens to be a great man.

Who I'm proud to call my friend.

I thought I could live without him,

but it turns out, I can't!

And you should all be ashamed
of yourselves.

Although, now,
I can understand why you would come

but it's wrong!

And you, this prick here.

-Right.
-Right, you,

you think you're the thinking man's
Russell Brand, you're not.

You're not even
the poor man's Russell Kane.

-I don't even know who that is.
-Yes, you do! And Ian...

I read On Chesil Beach.
It was brilliant.

I read it in like, one sitting.

You're better than this.

Come on, David.

Let's get out of here.

Thanks, Max.

[mic drops]

[Max sighs]

[audience jeering]

You can run but you can't hide,
Hasselhoff!

[audience] Ian! Ian! Ian!

[audience cheering]

When David knocked out Ian McEwan,

I thought,

"I'm proud of you, son.
I didn't think you had it in you.

To knock over a very frail old man.

But you did it.

You're a real man now."

I was proud of my dad
for punching an old man.

He's the best.

What are you doing, Dave?

I'm out of here.

With his manager.

-I'm still getting my 20%.
-She gets 20%?

Yeah. Oh, what?
You got a problem with that?

You just said the nicest things
about me in the ring,

-now you want 20%?
-Well, that doesn't seem fair,

that suddenly you would change your rate
as soon as you get a new manager.

That's at least worth like 17%.

No, it's not worth 17...

So, erm, are Chicken Cottage Sundays
back on then?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-[all cheering]
-Yeah, yeah! Yeah!

[Max] Who needs diversification?

When you've got a good product,
stick with it.

You can run a talent agency
with one client,

when that client is David Hasselhoff.

I don't do weddings.

This wedding happens to pay £150,000.

[Danny] Yorkshire's another country.

"Ey up," that means,
begin sexual intercourse.

You got a problem with
people from London?

Well, you're all twats.

Fair enough.

[screams] Oh, David!

I am literally your number one fan.

-Really? Whoa!
-[chuckles]

You're a dog murderer!

You killed David and now
you're throwing him in the lake

like some Russian whore.

-[creaking]
-Aw, yeah.

[woman panting]

These people are frickin' nuts!

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