All language subtitles for Hoff The Record s02e01 Death Hoax.eng

-David Hassel...
-David Hasselhoff...

According to the
Guinness Book of World Records

over 1.1 billion viewers
watched David Hasselhoff

at the height of his fame.
But where did the viewers go?

...comeback tour
was pulled by US promoters.

Is the career of the famous
lifeguard all washed up?

David Hasselhoff has now
filed for bankruptcy.

According to his UK manager,
he's leaving the United States

to pursue opportunities in England.

The British relaunch of David Hasselhoff
has ended in disgrace

after he was caught
performing for a notorious warlord.

After being implicated
in a child abduction,

is David Hasselhoff now unemployable?

We're at rock bottom.

I've seen the accounts.

David has earned £4.27 in repeat fees

for Baywatch in the last three months.

Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Sometimes the best way to revitalise
a celebrity's career

is to kill them.

And more now on that breaking news story.

Reports are reaching us
that actor, David Hasselhoff,

star of such hits as Baywatch
and Knight Rider,

may have died in what is being described
as a tragic water sports accident.

The star reportedly went missing last
night whilst canoeing in a reservoir...

-Are you guys watching this?
-(SHUSHING)

Hoff, mate, you're dead.

[Harriet] Twitter's saying
it was a canoeing accident.

Yes. Yes, I know.

Well, we'll be releasing
a statement shortly.

-Hey, Max, it said I'm dead.
-Great, isn't it?

No, it's not great. Just call the press
and tell them I'm fine.

No, no, no, no, no. You are getting
a lot of positive coverage right now.

I've just checked the sales of
your autobiography on Amazon.

-You're in the top one hundred.
-Really?

Yeah, you've jumped, like,
six hundred thousand places.

Let's not do anything too rash here.

Let's just enjoy this for a bit,
let it percolate.

Okay, we need to keep him away
from cameras for a few days.

I know a place we can hide him.
I'm actually pretty well connected.

When the time is right,
we'll announce that we've found him.

-That's highly immoral.
-Oh, come on!

Think about how big Elvis got
after he died.

-Tupac. Jesus.
-[mobile ringing]

-Who's that?
-Press.

Hello, Max Coleman.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sad news.

No, haven't found the body.
All right, bye.

You do realise that you have just
killed David Hasselhoff?

[newscaster speaking in Russian]

[newscaster speaking in Japanese]

[newscaster speaking in Hindi]

[newscaster speaking in other language]

[Jerry Springer] David Hasselhoff
was a great man, a great friend to me

and to the American people.

He was a man of real honour and integrity.

If he is dead, then it's truly a sad day.

Next, my trans-gender husband
cheated on me with a man.

[audience cheering]

It only takes one person to say something

and there we go, do you know what I mean,
Chinese whispers.

You know like, that happens.

Like, there was a big rumour going
around Sutton, you know what I mean,

that I had a micro-dick

and you know, obviously that's not true.

But you know, my mate, Dave, told,
you know, Sharon.

And then Sharon told Sarah and then,
you know what I mean?

It got around that I had a micro-dick.

People would go around, and I'd go round
and they'd go, "There's micro-Terry".

[knocking rhythmically]

Ron, it's me. I'm doing the secret knock.

Terry said he had a safe house.

What he had was a semi-detached
in Watford with his Uncle Ron.

[Ron and Terry laugh]

[Terry] How you doing?

You rascal.

Uncle Ron, we have our special guest.

-It's me.
-[laughing]

-You're alive?
-Yes.

Come in. Come in.

Mr David Hasselhoff.

Hollywood star.

Here. In my house. In Watford.

You will like this. Please, come.

This is the "through-lounge".

Freeview box here. HD ready.

You need Internet? Over there.

Broadband speed. Very fast.

-[Ron] This fire...
-What?

-What kind of place is this?
-What? It's fine. Uncle Ron's a legend.

He's hidden so many people, yeah.
Trust me. And look, think about it.

Where's the last place you expect
to see David Hasselhoff?

Oscar-winning movie.

A two-bedroom semi-detached house
in Watford.

This is the first house in Watford
with double glazing.

-[David] Hmm.
-Thirty-five years.

Listen, can you hear that?

-What?
-Exactly.

Now, watch this.

Legend.

You can't hear me. Double glazing.

You can't hear the cars.

First class.

He's totally nuts.

[newsreader 1] The search continues
for David Hasselhoff.

[newsreader 2]
Police are intensifying the search...

[newsreader 3]
David Hasselhoff, the star of TV hits

Baywatch and Knight Rider
is still missing.

In situations like this,
the first 24 hours are crucial.

You need to get on the phone,

re-release their autobiography,
re-release their back-catalogue

and try and get Baywatch Nights
back on the air.

Okay, speak to you tomorrow.

This is great.

German television has just shut down.
They're just showing a black screen.

In the Bundesliga, all the players

are going to be wearing
black arm-bands this weekend

it's a national day of mourning.

His record company are about to re-release
every single one of his albums.

-Do you know how many albums he's made?
-No.

-Forty-one.
-What?

He released two last month
without telling anyone.

Oh, erm, his ex-wife is flying over.

I want you to look after her.
Keep her out of the way for a bit.

-Look after her?
-Yeah. Do some girly stuff together.

I don't really do girly stuff.

Now's the time to learn.

Go for a make-over.
Play some netball.

-Have a smear test. Enjoy yourself.
-[phone ringing]

-Max...
-Max Coleman.

No one seems to remember that
I'm grossly over-qualified for this job.

I'm a bio-chemist working on my doctorate.

Er, but I think they like me
as an assistant

because I can keep my mouth shut.

You know, the things I've seen

and heard and smelt.

You know, you have to be able
to keep that on the down-low.

Uncle Ron, listen to me, okay?
We need to up the security here.

This could be tapped. I heard it click.

-What?
-Unplug it. Unplug it. Unplug it.

It's this smart TV, Uncle?
Is that TV smart?

-[Ron] Yes.
-Unplug it. Put it in the shed.

-Smash it to pieces.
-What?

Lasers. We need to have lasers
running through here.

If anyone activates the laser,
it sends a message to my phone,

-I come down...
-Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Terry, wait!

Who's going to pay for all this?

I can't afford this laser alarm thing
and this and that.

Well, I'm head of security, what...
What have you got then?

I've got some old Christmas
wrapping upstairs.

We can black out the window with that.

What about lasers?

Good afternoon.

Exciting day.

We have a very special guest.

Yeah, we always have special guests.
There's nothing special about this guest.

We're just putting up
the Christmas decorations.

I know it's March but we're
just so excited, aren't we?

See ya.

-Uncle...
-I'm sorry...

No one can know who's hiding in here.
Hit me.

Nice.

We actually have a colour code
of threat levels to Hoff.

We start off at beige,
which is relaxed, it's all right.

And then, a slightly darker
shade of beige,

which is, "Be alert".

And then literally brown.
Like shit-colour brown.

Erm, it means, be on high alert.

He doesn't see there's a real threat here,
do you know what I mean?

And I need to make sure security levels
are kept at beige.

I've never told anyone
that David Hasselhoff is in my house.

Well, I may have mentioned it to

a couple of friends at the chess club,
you know.

But I told them,
don't say a word to anybody.

[newscaster] Last night stars paid tribute
to the man they call, "The Hoff'.

I can't imagine a world without The Hoff.
He changed the world.

He was a true friend
and he was full of energy.

He always made me laugh.

I just heard the news that
David Hasselhoff may be dead

and, you know...

We're now going over live to Crystal
Hasselhoff, David Hasselhoff's ex-wife.

He brought so much to so many people
and he loved them in a way

that I don't think many people
have been loved.

She's here?

He's an athlete. He's a musician.

He's an actor. He's a politician. He's...

He's a bit like Jesus, you know?

Or Gandhi.

Or Pol Pot... Or one of those men,

you know that could bring people together
like a movement

and I think his loss is going to be...

[David] God, she looks good.

[Crystal] And if I'm honest,
I think I've loved David

more than I've ever loved anyone
in my whole life so thank you.

Did you hear that? She's telling
everyone she still loves me.

We are devastated.
We'll not be the same again.

Ya, let me check my Filofax. Bye.

Phew...

The Metro magazine wants to do a big
spread about the death of my dad.

It's crazy, they are saying, "We want to
hear about your tragic story."

They would pay me and where is Harriet?

She's in there. Don't disturb her.
Wait! Let's just go back a bit.

Why is this not going through me?
What are you doing?

I am texting to say,
maybe 2:00 P.M. for the meeting?

-Has anyone else been in touch?
-Ya, The New York Times.

Right, what we're going to do,
is you are going to give that to me.

I'm just going to pop that in there,

I'm going to go for a shit

and then when I'm back,
I want you gone.

You've got 45 minutes.

Dieter is not suited to the public eye.

When is the son of a celebrity

ever been successful?

Apart from Jeff Bridges and,
erm, Michael Douglas.

Frank Lampard. Kiefer Sutherland.

George Bush, obviously.

I want a cut, a colour and a blow-dry.

I want a wax. I want a full wax,
a Mohican.

And there is an amazing acupuncturist
on Harley Street,

can you book me an appointment
and pre-pay?

I'm not sure I'm supposed to be...

-He's gone. Please, I'm in pieces here.
-Excuse me, Harriet.

-Dieter, you're not supposed to be here.
-Sorry, who is this?

-I am Dieter. Dieter Hasselhoff.
-Hasselhoff?

Yep. This is David's long lost son.

His son?

Oh my goodness. You poor, poor boy.

-Uh...
-I am so sorry.

[Crystal] Oh.

I almost feel like I birthed him myself.

He is just sweet.

He is...

Have they DNA tested him?

You must be so sad.

Ya, erm, very sad.

Oh, you are such a sweet boy.

-I was just telling Hazel here...
-Harriet.

About my ideas for a vigil for David
outside his apartment.

Yes, we're going to do something
really small and private.

No. Not small.

Not private.

Since David has died,
one of the very strange things is

that suddenly I am getting
so many phone calls

to do television interviews.

I've been offered a series.

You know, I honestly think
that this is David from the other side

guiding my career.

[radio announcer]
And riding high in the charts this week

is True Survivor by David Hasselhoff.

[True Survivor playing]

[distant yelling]

[David] Whoa.

[David] Hoff run!
[Terry] Fucking natural.

Take a photo. Take the photo.

-Take the photo.
-Hoff! Hoff!

[Ron] That was amazing!
[Terry] Hoff! Hey, Freddie Flint-Hoff!

-[Ron] You're a true superstar.
-What the fuck is going on?

Get him inside.

I feel like a prisoner.
Give me a break here.

-What if somebody sees him?
-Oh shit, yeah. I forgot about that.

Do you know how much we've got
riding on this? Get him inside!

[Ron] Relax! Relax!

I'm starting to think that maybe it
wasn't such a good idea

to employ, as David's head of security,

a guy who was shit at driving taxis.

Sometimes I just get my eye off the ball.

We need to hold our nerve.
The plan is actually working.

You're number one in both the music
and the book charts.

Nobody's done that since John Grisham
released that reggae single.

-I'm number one?
-Yeah. In seven different countries.

I should have died earlier,
I'm number one. [laughs]

Oh God, this whole thing is out of hand.

-The vigil, did you see the vigil on TV?
-Yeah, course I did.

Crystal's working the media.
She's like a machine.

You know, that vigil kind of warms
my heart.

You think maybe I could just drive by
and take a look at it?

No! Under no circumstances
do you leave this house.

We've got to stick
with the plan. Everyone!

What's the plan?

[Max] We wait another 24 hours,

then we get you to the location,
rough you up a bit.

You jump out of a ditch,

stumble to the nearest police station
and say,

"Oh, actually, I banged my head."

Good plan, huh?

[radio announcer 1]
It's now been four days

since David Hasselhoff disappeared
in a suspected canoeing accident.

[radio announcer 2]
Police are appealing for witnesses

to come forward with any information
about David's last movements.

[radio announcer 3] David Hasselhoff's
management have issued a statement

saying that no stone will be left unturned
in the search for David.

I mean, people say grief affects you
in different way, don't they?

Some people rage
and smash up a room,

some people cry uncontrollably.

Max was playing darts.

So sad.

David dying? It's a bugger.

What was he doing on water?
I never let him go on water.

I think he was just going for an exercise.
Banged his head and...

Dead.

You know that people
keep asking me questions

-about my training and that.
-Dickheads.

I'm not worried though. You know why?

I don't think he is dead.

That is insane.

David is a survivor.

When the apocalypse comes,
it will just be David hanging out

with a bunch of cockroaches
eating Twinkies.

And he'll probably be happy.

He gets on with anyone.

I think he's still out there.

I can sense it.

What's going on with search and rescue?
They still haven't found a body?

I think everyone is just letting
nature take its course.

He'll wash up eventually.

So, what are the police doing?

-Dunno.

Right, well, we need to start
our own search and rescue.

Pack a bag, let's roll.

So Danny's turned up and he wants to start
a search and rescue.

I mean, come on mate, get over it.

He's dead, let's move on.

I'm not wearing the right footwear
for this.

Right, we're going to have to split up.
What was the actual point of the accident?

Do you know what, I'm not sure actually.

Dad!

Dad...

Danny was adamant that
my dad was lost in the reservoir

but I was quite confused

because I know that my dad is in

Terry's uncle's house in Watford...

But at the same time, I was
getting caught up in the excitement of it,

so I genuinely thought that we might
be able to find my dad.

I know he's not there.

I think he might be there.

Dad? Oh, my God, Dad!

I've found him.

No.

It's just a sofa.

Aww.

A brown leather sofa.

Similar texture,

but a sofa.

Where are you, David?

I'm really touched and really over-awed

by how many people have come to pay their,
their respect...

-That's Harriet?
-What the...

What's she doing there? I gotta call.

What d'ya mean? What d'ya mean, call?

-No, no, no, no.
-It's okay. It's okay.

You cannot call me now. I am with her.

-Just put her on.
-What the...

I want to hear her voice one more time.

-Tell her I'm a reporter.
-A reporter?

Is that a reporter?
Here, here, give it to me.

Hello, this is Crystal Hasselhoff.

Hello.

Erm, I'm a reporter
and I wanted to ask a question.

And I'm like, "Fuck, are you a mentalist"?

You know, I know he's mental, but,

like, that was mental of him.

He puts on the shitest accent
I have ever heard in my life,

like Dick Van Dyke kind of style,
"All right geezer, all right?"

And I was like,
"What are you doing, mate?"

What would you say to David Hasselhoff
if he was here now?

If David were here now, I would,

I guess I would just want to touch
him one more time.

Stroke his face. I would hold him.
Tell him that I loved him.

I would love to have that chance
just one more time.

Oh. Thank you.

-What are you doing, Hoff, you mentalist?
-I gotta go down there.

-No, no, you can't go. Max said...
-I'm going to go down there.

Max told me you can't leave
the house, mate.

Terry...

I need to do this.

[Crystal] It's a really beautiful thing
to see how many people are here.

I'm so touched and delighted

so many people have come here
tonight to my vigil and,

you know, David was loved
all over the world.

Keep your head down, all right?

-[Crystal] I am so honoured.
-Fucking look at this shit.

Hoff, kinky. He likes a bit of danger.

Yeah, yeah, I'd put money on that
he probably does danger wanks.

You know those kind of wanks where,
like, you leave the door half open?

And you're timing them
when the misses is downstairs

and you're like, "I'll be down
in a minute". You want to get caught.

You want to get caught.

[Reporter] And, is it true
that you have been

approached to make a series called,

-Widows of Beverly Hills?
-[reading] "Such a lovely warm man,

"who filled us with joy and laughter
we will never forget."

Oh, my God, these people are really taking
this thing seriously.

-Fuck. Oh, no, no, no, she's there.
-Oh.

And it means a lot to me
and the family.

[reporter] Thank you so much, Crystal.

You know, Hazel...

-[Harriet] Harriet!
-I would, I'd really like to go inside,

to where David spent his last few days.
It would mean so much to me.

Ah, ah, ah, his apartment?

I don't think that's going to be possible.
Why don't you get some rest?

-You know, back at your hotel.
-Hazel, I want to go in the apartment.

Yep. No, absolutely! Let's go. Let's go.

-Don't touch me.
-All right.

-Thank you.
-Thank you. Thank you.

Let's go round the back.

-Let's go round the back.
-Okay.

I'm sorry, but without more information,

we're going to have to call off
the search tonight

and pick things up in the morning.
All right?

Thank you, Officer.

[Max] Oh, well,

looks like we're going to have
to call it a night.

We're not calling it a night.
We're not giving up.

When I found out the police weren't
sending a search party,

I thought, that is further proof
of the endemic racism within the system.

If David was a six-year-old white girl,
they'd be all over it

but instead, it's a 64-year-old orange man
wandering about somewhere on his own,

no one gives a shit.

Right, come on, Dieter.

If it takes all night, it takes all night.

Right. I'm just going to check back
at Hoff's flat again.

[Danny] Fine.

Stay near me, Dieter.
I'm not losing another Hasselhoff today.

-Was this his room?
-Yep.

Er, we shouldn't really be here though,
Crystal. We should go.

Oh, it's so...

It's so...

God...

Oh, David.

I find it really hard to believe

but we were married for four
and a half months.

Now, I know that does not sound much
but it was like a lifetime.

You know, sometimes,
a lifetime is a lifetime.

The four and a half months
that we were together,

was a lifetime.

Hazel, can I just have a minute
on my own please?

-Yep.
-[crying] This is really difficult.

Oh.

[Crystal] I'll be out in a minute.

[snorts]

Ah...

Ah...

Thank you.

David, what are you doing?
You can't be here.

-Where is she?
-[Crystal] I'm a lot better now.

No, no, no, you can't go in there.
David, that would be a very bad idea...

[coughs]

-Crystal...
-Whoa. Whoa.

-Don't touch me!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, it's me. It's David.

Hello.

Hi.

-David?
-Yeah.

God, you look beautiful.

Wow.

-Oh my God. David.
-Yeah.

I thought you were dead.

No. No, I'm not dead.

I'm dead on TV
but in person, I'm alive.

-You fucking lying piece of shit!
-Whoa.

What the fuck? What?
You always were a fucking liar.

Oh my God, you're not... You... You...

You dragged me all the way
to London, England,

which you know I hate. I hate it here!

And you're not even fucking dead?

I thought you'd be happy to see me.
You said,

"Just like one more minute with him
would be great."

-And you believed that media shit?
-Yeah, I did.

What, are you suffering
from fucking amnesia?

No! No.

Don't you remember what happened in '88?
You fucking prick?

It was the fucking '80s,
I don't remember anything.

Oh, you don't remember the '80s?

She was mad at me, that I was alive.

I've never had anyone say that to me,
"I'm mad at you because you're alive."

[Crystal] Well, you are always
a fucking liar, but this? This?

-Oh, she's screaming.
-[Crystal] Is a whole other level...

[David] Whoa.
[Crystal] What the fuck?

-That's love though, innit?
-[David] What do you mean?

Do you know what I mean?
It's just passion and, like, violence.

Me and the missus were like that.

She'd come home, first thing, she would
literally punch me right in the nose.

Do you know what I mean?
I'd be on the floor,

she'd be beating the shit out of me.

I'd look up and I'd go,
"Thank you for this love."

It was a beautiful relationship.

Obviously had to put the restraining order
out on her

eventually 'cause it got a bit, you know,
got a bit dark.

-[Crystal] What is going on here?
-Yeah.

What? Oh my God! What, you don't
remember Knight Rider?

-Yeah.
-You don't remember Baywatch?

Yeah, course I remember that.

You remember Baywatch Nights?

-Some of it.
-Oh, fuck you!

What do I do with this? Oh, fuck you?

-You're mad at me 'cause I'm alive?
-I can't believe you have done this.

This, this sums up
my whole life with you.

Max, it's Harriet. Big problem.
Come to Hoff's flat.

David, in order for me to stay quiet,

you're going to have to pay me
an extra 25% on my alimony.

What...

My client, Mr David Hasselhoff,
has asked me to speak on his behalf.

-He can't afford that.
-Oh, well that is a shame, David.

Because I'm going to have to make more
money out of you by going to the press.

-If that's what you want?
-I'm sure that won't be necessary.

I reckon we can come to some kind
of an arrangement.

Everybody in this room
is a civilised person.

Don't get me wrong,
she's a complete wrong-un,

but you've got to respect,

you know what I mean, like,
there's actually a quote,

it says, "I don't respect a snake

but I respect the art of the snake."

So, what that means is,
I don't respect a snake,

but the way that that snake is
slithering around, that's respectable.

You've got to respect people's,
kind of, snakery.

[laughs]

Oh God, Hasselhoff, is this your life now?

It's just pathetic.

You got a weasel for a manager.

You got an annoying little mouse
as an assistant.

You've got Shrek as a driver

and I'm not even going to go into
that idiot of a son.

-You leave my son out.
-[Harriet] No, David, let me speak.

Oh, the mousy is roaring.

If it's more press you want then,
oh, I think I have the perfect solution.

I can get you on the front
of every major newspaper.

-I'm listening.
-All I have to do

is press send on this email

-because I caught you snorting heroin.
-[Terry] Cocaine.

Cocaine.

Oops.

Very good.

I think I'm going to go now, David.

-Oh, and David.
-Um, yes, Crystal.

-Fuck you!
-[laughing]

-Coke head.
-Whoo!

Oh, my God.

All right. Everybody.
We've got to go back to the plan.

Right, let's finally finish this.

Terry, drive him to the reservoir,
hang out there for a couple of hours,

dirty yourself up a bit.

Make it look like you've been
through the wars. Get dizzy.

Act delirious. Walk to a service station.
Ask for help.

Okay. Yeah. Okay.

[text message notification beeps]

-Oh, no.
-[David] What? What?

Hoff not dead.

Hoff plays cricket in Watford,
while nation mourns.

Aw, it's the neighbour.

You fucking idiots!

-Aw...
-[doorbell buzzes]

[Terry] Shall I get it?
[David] No!

No! I'll get it.

[David sighs]

Right.

[mobile rings]

Good to be alive again.

[phone ringing]

He's fucked.

[all chattering]

You are not going to believe
what happened to me.

Well, more now on the remarkable
twists and turns

of the David Hasselhoff
death hoax story.

After the Hollywood actor was discovered
alive and well in his apartment.

The public and media backlash
has begun.

Tonight we have a shocking revelation.

Me, you and the whole American nation
have been tricked,

violated even, by a cunning fraudster.

His crime? To fake his own death.

His motivation? Money. Pure and simple.

Tonight we ask, is David Hasselhoff
the most hated man in America?

[audience booing]

I'd still say the plan worked.

You know, he's still top of the charts.

But it's just that now it's

top of the charts for the most hated man
in the world so...

A chart's a chart.

He knocked off Robert Mugabe.

I need you to go to rehab.
The Olsen twins are doing it.

A few Chinese pop-stars.
It really ups your profile.

You're not exactly Mr Popular after
that whole pretending-to-be-dead thing.

[David] I've met someone in here.

He's helping me see life
in a totally different way.

I'm not peculiar.
You must understand that.

I've decided to stay.

Danny has a rapport with him
that the rest of us just don't have.

Not going to happen.

[Danny] He's going to jump! David!

We are prepared. We are to fly.

David was a gonner.
He gave me a double thumbs up.

I mean, that's a Paul McCartney move.

You know he's shot to shit.

We're going to fly.

[Terry] No. Don't jump.
[Harriet] Please, don't jump.

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