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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:06,080 -David Hassel... -David Hasselhoff... 2 00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:08,720 He was the star of Knight Rider and Baywatch, 3 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,240 and even found time to bring down the Berlin Wall. 4 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:12,800 According to The Guinness Book of World Records, 5 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:16,040 over 1.1 billion viewers watched David Hasselhoff 6 00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:19,400 at the height of his fame. But where did the viewers go? 7 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:21,800 ...comeback tour was pulled by US promoters. 8 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:24,560 Is the career of the famous lifeguard all washed up? 9 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:26,200 And another divorce for David Hasselhoff 10 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:28,160 and a fifth set of alimony payments to make. 11 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:30,880 David Hasselhoff has now filed for bankruptcy. 12 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:34,560 According to his UK manager, he's leaving the United States 13 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,160 to pursue opportunities in England. 14 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:42,480 I came here to make a biopic, a feature film based on my life. 15 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:44,200 Turbo boost, turbo boost! 16 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:45,600 I still think that 17 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,640 Michael Knight would say it the way David is saying it. 18 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:50,240 What? 19 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:51,720 -I quit! -No, you're fired. 20 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,440 -No, I quit. -Fired. 21 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,440 -I am Dieter Hasselhoff. -What? 22 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:56,520 I am your son! 23 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,120 I am only doing this 24 00:00:58,200 --> 00:00:59,560 because I need the money. 25 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:00,640 -It's a stills shoot. -No... 26 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:01,720 It's a stills shoot, stop! 27 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,320 My name is David Hasselhoff. 28 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:04,400 Not the words. 29 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:05,960 I'm pretty sure that could not have gone worse, 30 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,760 so they've decided to terminate your contract with immediate effect. 31 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:10,320 I'm trending, what's wrong with that? 32 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:11,720 "David Hasselhoff is a bellend." 33 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,440 Well, great! What's a bellend? 34 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,080 You know what? 35 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,760 I think I'm finished with show business. 36 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:23,560 Interesting, why? Thoughts? 37 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:27,480 1989, I sang to a million people, I've Been Looking For Freedom. 38 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:29,840 One million people, on the Berlin Wall. 39 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:32,760 I used to mean something to people! 40 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,240 Now all I do is sell aftershave! 41 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:36,960 You're absolutely right, David. 42 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:38,800 I've been watching the news, the world is fucked. 43 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,160 You know who could change the world? The Hoff! 44 00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:42,920 Imagine you turning up in North Korea, 45 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,360 everyone would fucking shit themselves. 46 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:45,480 That's right! 47 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,960 I can handle North Korea. I can talk to that little guy. 48 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:50,400 -Take a break. -Okay. 49 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:52,200 I used to work with Geri Halliwell. You know her? 50 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:53,360 Yeah, Girls Aloud. 51 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:56,600 Ginger Spice. I got her in the UN. She's now a UN ambassador. 52 00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,320 You should be doing that, you've got double the amount of brain cells. 53 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:01,920 That's it, that's it. I could be a UN ambassador. 54 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:03,640 Right? I brought down the Berlin wall, 55 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,440 I can bring down the wall in Palestine. 56 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:06,880 I could bring down the Wailing Wall. 57 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,000 I could stop those people from wailing in Jerusalem. 58 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:11,040 I could bring down the Great Wall of China. 59 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,880 I know it's great, but I could bring it down. 60 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,520 Imagine, a world without walls. 61 00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:17,320 A completely flat world. 62 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,720 -High-five! -High-five! 63 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,280 Having brought down the Berlin Wall, I think he thinks all walls 64 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,040 offer the same political conundrum. 65 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:26,880 Er, which is tricky, 66 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:30,720 but I think he can save the world if it's not entirely brick-based. 67 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,080 -Hey! -Oh, guess what? 68 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:36,080 Danny and I have got a great idea. 69 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,360 I'm going to be the UN ambassador. Isn't that great? 70 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,080 Okay! Yeah, that sounds great. 71 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,200 Maybe not this year, but... 72 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,040 -What? You don't like it? -No, it's great! 73 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:48,040 I'm just trying to get up to speed. 74 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:49,200 I'm just connecting the dots, here. 75 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:50,400 I'm sort of late to the party. 76 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:54,080 Um... It's just we've just got loads of really exciting offers coming in. 77 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,800 Uh, there's another Viagra endorsement. 78 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,000 Er, Cuppa Soup want to do a David Hasselhoff flavour. 79 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,600 I'm just in a back and forth with them at the moment 80 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,240 about what David Hasselhoff tastes like. 81 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:06,640 We think the plan for David to be UN ambassador is perfect. 82 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,320 Yeah. I'm going to take a shower. 83 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,800 Make it happen, huh? I want to save the world. 84 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:14,960 [Danny] Good session! 85 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:17,560 -Hey, Danny! -Yeah? 86 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:19,800 Er, I just wanted to clear something up with you. 87 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,720 We booked you as David's personal trainer, all right? 88 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:24,760 I mean, that's where your expertise lie, 89 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,680 you're sorting out his body, you're not... 90 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,320 -I'm here to make him better. -Yeah. 91 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:30,840 It's just we're not hiring you to give management advice. 92 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,080 I am his soul and fitness instructor. 93 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:34,840 Yeah, that's not what it says on your contract, mate. 94 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:36,280 That's what it says on my card. 95 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,200 Yeah, you can get anything put on a business card. 96 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,640 I could get a card that says I've got two dicks. 97 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,200 Have you? 98 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:44,600 No. 99 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,120 You don't care about David. 100 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,000 You're just here for a fast buck. 101 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:49,160 You disgust me. 102 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,920 -I'm not intimidated by you. -No? 103 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:53,560 Yeah, I'm not intimidated by your working-class accent. 104 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,680 I've got working-class friends, I've got working-class friends. 105 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,080 Name one? 106 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:58,600 -Bob. -Bob who? 107 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,000 Bob... 108 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:02,880 -...Stubble. -Where did you meet? 109 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:06,200 -Down at the pub. -What's the pub called? 110 00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:09,200 Red Horse. 111 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:17,000 [woman over phone] United Nations Celebrity Liaison. 112 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:18,920 Hello, I'm going to cut to the chase here. 113 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:20,680 We're wondering if you were looking for any new 114 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,680 humanitarian ambassadors. 115 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:26,120 I represent a pretty big star and he's keen to get involved. 116 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:29,880 Sir, there is an official application process that needs to be completed 117 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,480 before a celebrity can be considered a goodwill UN ambassador. 118 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:36,200 Yeah, sure, but he is a really big star. 119 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,200 Okay, I'm going to throw a name at you. 120 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,840 It's David Hasselhoff. 121 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:44,120 [laughs] David Hasselhoff! That's a blast from the past! 122 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,120 I didn't realise he was still going. 123 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:48,640 I thought you were talking about someone big! 124 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:50,640 Good morning, this is David Hasselhoff here. 125 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:51,760 Oh, Mr Hasselhoff! 126 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:54,080 -I didn't realise you were on the phone. -No, no, no. That's fine. 127 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,680 My good friend Geri, uh... Hallwell... 128 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:57,800 Halliwell. 129 00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:00,640 -Halliwell said I should call. -I'm sorry, you've to go 130 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,680 through the official application process. 131 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:04,960 I suggest you fill up the forms on the website 132 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,000 and get as much experience as you can 133 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,360 attending UN-endorsed events in the meantime. 134 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:12,000 Yeah, sure, sure. Is there a level of flexibility on that? 135 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:14,520 Because we are available to be in Sierra Leone tomorrow. 136 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:16,960 I'm afraid there is none, sir. Good day. 137 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:19,120 Well, that went well! Huh? 138 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,920 I'm going to get Danny on the phone. He'll have the direct line. 139 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,880 So we're going to go straight from the United Nations 140 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,320 to Danny the fucking personal trainer? 141 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,200 Danny, it's the Hoff... 142 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,080 What's going on in the Middle East? 143 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:32,760 Could you imagine if I walked in and said, 144 00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:34,200 "Hi, David Hasselhoff"? 145 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,520 Right away, they're going to feel the peace in the room. 146 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,800 I've heard stories of people's homes being bombed 147 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,440 and when the Red Cross came to save them, 148 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,080 they wouldn't leave their homes, 149 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,360 because they wanted to finish the episode of Baywatch. 150 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,760 [chuckles] Now that is heart-warming. 151 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:53,240 My old school actually hosts model UN conferences. 152 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:54,880 Why don't we do that? 153 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:56,320 What? Us going to my... No, no. 154 00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:59,200 [stutters] It's not a place I want... We should go. 155 00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:00,560 No, no, that's great! 156 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,800 No, Max those kids are really clever, 157 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:04,080 they'll tear David apart. 158 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:07,240 You just said that we need more experience with UN-related events. 159 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,000 That's got UN in the title. 160 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,880 It will be a great photo opp, book it! 161 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:12,560 [sighs] 162 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,920 I think the Hoff would make a brilliant UN ambassador. 163 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,360 Do you know what I mean? Cos most of them all talk shit, 164 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:21,200 do you know what I mean? He's straight-talking, yeah? 165 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,280 The first time I met him, I said, "Hello. Nice to meet you. Terry." 166 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,120 He went, "Terry, don't call me Turban." 167 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:28,800 I thought, that's racist, but he's just so, so real. 168 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:29,920 Do you know what I mean? 169 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:34,400 And he's everything that a real man should be, racist, sexist, homophobic. 170 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,480 Do you know what I mean? Real man, old school! 171 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:38,960 And that's what the world needs. We need a bit of truth. 172 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,920 -Explain it to me again. -Okay. 173 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:49,280 So, the charter established six principal organs of the United Nations. 174 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:52,280 I get confused between the security, 175 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,040 the economic, and the social councils. 176 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,200 Well, shall I go through the founding purpose again? 177 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,440 No, the UN is about resolving conflict. 178 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:03,160 It's what I did on Baywatch every single episode. 179 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:06,600 Resolve conflict. It's what I do. I do it very well. 180 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:11,280 You walk in a room and you say, "Can't we all just get along?" 181 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,600 Yeah, see? He's got this shit down. 182 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:15,800 He knows what he's doing. 183 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:19,240 He'll just riff from there. Why do you need to pump him full of facts? 184 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,640 What is your obsession with facts? 185 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,280 You're boring, you are like a 40-year-old Hermione. 186 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:29,160 We feel like we're in a revision session for GCSE Boffin. 187 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:30,920 It's hard to stay awake when you talk. 188 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:32,520 Shall we go over the six? 189 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,000 The first one was the General Assembly... 190 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,320 [yawns dramatically] 191 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:41,080 Okay, Max, I feel like now you are just being rude. 192 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,920 Most people in high office have come through this school. 193 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,840 Archbishops, prime ministers. 194 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:56,520 We are a very rich and fertile soil in which to plant an acorn. 195 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,880 -Nice school, Harriet! -Er, yes, it's okay. 196 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,280 Oh, yeah! I love politics. 197 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,160 Do you reckon I can come in and get involved in some 198 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:07,600 -of the debates and all that? -I'm paying you to drive, Terry! 199 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:09,600 Stay in the car. These aren't your people! 200 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,280 I am a social chameleon, 201 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:15,440 so I could be talking to your crackhead on the street and at the same time 202 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:19,880 I could be talking to, you know, a big high-end roller banker. 203 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:21,160 That's Terry for you. 204 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:26,200 I adapt, I learn, adapt, move, adapt, move and then learn. 205 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:29,000 Learn and then adapt and move and learn, yeah? 206 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,560 Do those steps and you'll be fine in life. 207 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,040 Welcome to Prince Edward's. 208 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,200 Good morning. 209 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,480 We didn't think we'd be able to have a special guest 210 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:38,840 for our UN debate this year, 211 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:42,280 so we're absolutely delighted you offered to do it for no fee. 212 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:44,000 Sorry, did you just say no fee? 213 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,400 Well, I am honoured. 214 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:51,080 Now, Ralph... Ralph is our budding David Bailey. 215 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,200 And can I introduce Alvin, our head boy? 216 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,720 Alvin. Hey, buddy. Like the chipmunks, eh? 217 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,600 Now, we've just got time to have a quick tour of the school before we 218 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,600 go to the debate, so if you'd like to follow me. 219 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,440 Hey, Andy Murray, piss off! 220 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,800 Now, this is the octagon and... 221 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,840 -Is it Charlotte? -Harriet. 222 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:16,920 Harriet Fitzgerald, 4-B. 223 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,520 Yes, hello, Miss Dunwoody. 224 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,440 You've changed! But what is it? 225 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,760 Your skin has cleared up, nearly, hasn't it? 226 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,880 [Harriet] She makes people feel very small. 227 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:29,320 And you know, I'm not that small, 228 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,720 so that shows how good she is at that. 229 00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:36,680 I am proud to have won the UN debate for the last three years running. 230 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:40,440 I was made head boy because I think I am popular, 231 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,960 I've got drive and I've got ambition. 232 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,280 You know, that and my father funded the new wing 233 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:47,920 on the school library, but... 234 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,600 I am actually planning to break the record 235 00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:53,960 for being the youngest MP in Parliament ever. 236 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:55,800 You know, John Major was a friend of mine. 237 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,920 I actually arranged a private screening of Baywatch 238 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,840 for the leaders of the G8 Summit. 239 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:04,680 And flew over some of the Baywatch babes. [chuckles] 240 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,480 I don't really watch TV. 241 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:09,440 We call it the idiot box at home. [chuckles] 242 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,400 What a rude kid! 243 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,800 -Good morning, everyone! -[kids] Good morning, Miss Dunwoody. 244 00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:19,400 Now, welcome to our model UN debate. 245 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,840 Now, I am going to introduce this year's topic. 246 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:27,120 This house believes that only a democracy can be responsible 247 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,040 for maintaining a nuclear deterrent. 248 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:31,840 [clapping] 249 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,760 Now to kick the proceedings off, 250 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:37,640 I am going to welcome onto the stage our special guest star today. 251 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,840 It's someone I am sure you're all familiar with. 252 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,480 Mr David Ha-ssel-hoff. 253 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:44,840 [scattered applause] 254 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:50,000 The UN is a great institution. 255 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:54,520 It turns out that, without knowing it, I have been putting into practice 256 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:58,120 many of the UN's founding principles, 257 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,200 like conflict resolution. 258 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,320 One day on Baywatch, 259 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:08,520 a very famous star came into work with a breast enhancement. 260 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:12,800 Well, all of the other girls got really jealous 261 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:17,120 and they started coming into work with a breast enhancement. 262 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,640 Soon, it became chest wars. 263 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:24,040 It was like a nuclear arms race. 264 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,440 I resolved conflict on the set 265 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,600 by sitting those girls down and comparing them, 266 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:32,480 saying, "Show me your boob, put it on the table. 267 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:34,360 "Show me your boob. Put it on the table. 268 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,280 "Now look at this, this is ridiculous. 269 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,880 "We can't have you this huge and this small." 270 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,880 And after careful negotiations, 271 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:46,160 I got every girl to agree to 34C. 272 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:50,000 Now, that is conflict resolution. 273 00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:52,680 [smug sigh] 274 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,520 To be perfectly honest, I thought he was mad. 275 00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:58,960 Thank you, er... 276 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:03,320 Mr Ha-ssel-Hoff. Very interesting analogy. 277 00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,560 The Hoff's got a very good understanding of world politics, 278 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,240 'cause he's been around the world, do you know what I mean? 279 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:10,280 He's had sex with every type of women you can imagine. 280 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:13,360 Just the other day, I said, "What about ginge?" "Yeah, done ginge." 281 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,240 "What about, like, really black?" He said, "I've done really black, 282 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,160 "like, midnight jet-black, almost purple." 283 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,880 I said, "What about mixed race?" He went, 284 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,960 "I've had every race you can imagine, all mixes!" 285 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,520 Do you know what I mean? It... It's inspirational, mate! 286 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,400 -[bell rings] -What happens now? 287 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:30,960 All the kids will off and debate together. 288 00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:33,520 Oh, a debate? I'd love to be part of the debate. 289 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,200 Er, that's not really necessary. 290 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:39,000 Come on, Max, I am here to participate, you know, 291 00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:40,400 and warm up for the real UN. 292 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:43,520 If it is at all possible, I would like to join in as well. 293 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:47,240 Oh, yeah, nice idea, Fritz. Yes. I can't see how that would end badly! 294 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:50,040 Max, we'd like to do the debate. 295 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,200 All right! 296 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:55,240 Um, Harriet, go and talk to the ghost of Margaret Thatcher. 297 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:57,400 Wish me luck. 298 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,480 Okay, how about we call our team... 299 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:02,520 Tornado? 300 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:04,240 I think they are just named after countries. 301 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:05,520 I think you just pick a country. 302 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,000 Poornado! 303 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,720 -Like we take down the poor countries. -Right. 304 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:13,240 Because if we get Third World countries first, they're the easy ones. 305 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:14,440 It's not Risk. 306 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:16,400 No, but this is the way we build the empire. 307 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,360 So easy to see how the Second World War started. 308 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,560 Is there any chance at all that 309 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:27,360 Mr Hasselhoff and his son Dieter could participate in the UN debate? 310 00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:30,280 Are we negotiating here? 311 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:31,800 [laughs awkwardly] 312 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,640 If you offered to, say... 313 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,880 Litter pick the school field after the debate today? 314 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,360 Miss Dunwoody, I am now a professional, I am not at school. 315 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:45,960 Yes, all right. 316 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,720 Go on, off you go. 317 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:53,920 It doesn't really matter which country I get. 318 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,840 The cream always rises to the top. 319 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,880 Opposition annihilated. 320 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,520 [gasps] Austria! Amazing! 321 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,200 "Moldova"? Where is Moldova? 322 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:09,360 Not a clue, mate! 323 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:13,160 Is that even a country? God, sounds like a fairytale land. 324 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,280 Greece. 325 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:16,600 My father has more money than Greece. 326 00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:17,680 I bet he does. 327 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,280 Russia! Yes! Well, I've won. [sniggers] 328 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,280 Russia will easily steam roller the Eastern European member states 329 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:27,200 and Asia Pacific member states into a massive block vote. 330 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:28,800 And Shy Doug's got the US. 331 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:29,920 He's over there. 332 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,040 Oh, this is going to be a cake walk. 333 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,400 Go and have a word with him, won't you? 334 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,600 If Shy Doug and the U.S. join us, the debate is in the bag. 335 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,360 He might need a little persuading. 336 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:40,520 How far should I go? 337 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,360 Start with the Chinese burn and then if that doesn't work, 338 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:44,680 smash up his iPad. 339 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,200 This kid's are fucking brutal. 340 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,360 Don't worry about it! I'll sort it out. Give me that badge. 341 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:51,560 You deal with Art Garfunkel. 342 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,200 Hey, buddy! Want to take another photo? 343 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:58,440 Hey! Little guy! Don't worry, I've been CRB checked. 344 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,560 Let's talk about how much that USA badge is worth to you. 345 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,960 -What's in it for me? -Let's see what Grandad's got for you. 346 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:06,560 Nice one. 347 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:09,920 Say hello to the newly-installed ambassador 348 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:11,400 for the good old US of A! 349 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:15,080 Have I mentioned that you are the best manager I have ever had? 350 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:16,360 Oh, thanks! 351 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:17,440 Excuse me. 352 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,240 [clears throat] Hey, Alvin! 353 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,720 Just wanted to say I am really looking forward to negotiations. 354 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:26,400 Negotiation is a euphemism for capitulation, Mr Hasselhoff. 355 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,920 I fully intend to win, not to negotiate. 356 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,680 And I am sorry to say 357 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:33,080 that you and your pathetic little country will be crushed. 358 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:38,560 That may be, but I think you'll find that there is a new sheriff in town. 359 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:40,600 USA! 360 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:42,880 [high pitched] What, what? 361 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:47,120 Well, that sounds like a declaration of war, Mr Hasselhoff. 362 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,240 I warn you, I fight dirty. 363 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,520 Let the face-Hoff begin! 364 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,240 [whooshing] 365 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:01,640 [Miss Dunwoody] Now the next stage of the debate, 366 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:05,720 the delegates will be divided into four separate rooms. 367 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,440 But given the severity of the situation, 368 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:11,320 I would have to encourage you to support an amendment 369 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,680 that allows Russia to be exempted from that part of the resolution. 370 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,640 -Hear, hear! -No, absolutely not. 371 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:19,560 Then I enlist the support of my delegates from Austria 372 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:23,240 and Czechoslovakia to help support my veto of this amendment! 373 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,560 -Hear, hear! -Czechoslovakia isn't a country. 374 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,680 -Since when? -1992. 375 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:29,640 Well, here you have it. That was years ago. 376 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,080 We're talking about today. 377 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:32,680 That makes no sense. 378 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,120 Five minutes, five minutes. 379 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,440 Coffee, coffee, coffee! 380 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:48,280 Okay, I need to know everything about world politics since 1989. 381 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:49,360 Right! 382 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,720 Um... The Berlin Wall fell in 1989. 383 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:52,880 I was there! 384 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,480 No, I know, but that spelt the end of communism as a major world force, 385 00:16:56,800 --> 00:17:00,480 which left Yugoslavia in disarray and it split into different countries. 386 00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:02,760 I love Yugoslavia. It's where I met my first wife. 387 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,360 Right, but focus, David. 388 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:05,960 And then there were all these big wars 389 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:08,640 between the Bosnians, and Kosovans, Serbians. 390 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,320 But basically now it's all resolved. 391 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,720 Some of them are in the EU and some of them want to be. 392 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,440 One of them's in LA. 393 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:18,920 [sips loudly] Yeah... 394 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:22,320 [woman over PA] In ten minutes, please make your way to the hall. 395 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,680 I have never met anyone of his age that stupid! 396 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,000 [kids laugh] 397 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,120 What? 398 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:34,960 You don't say things like that about mein Vater. 399 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,640 Er, sorry, your what? Your Vater? 400 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,040 Yeah, my dad, okay? 401 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,680 Oh, he is your dad, really? 402 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:42,920 [laughter] 403 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,320 Well, your dad is an idiot. 404 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,440 No, you're the idiot, I am afraid! 405 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,680 Er... Okay. Weirdo! 406 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,320 [laughing] 407 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:54,840 You laugh like little baby. 408 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:58,040 Alvin doesn't like my dad and he seems to think that I am weird. 409 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:00,880 I think that Alvin can go back to the Chipmunks 410 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:02,480 and get on with his drumming. 411 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,280 Alvin, what do I say about him? 412 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,520 Tiny cock, that's why he acts like that. 413 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:11,320 He's got a tiny... He's probably got... Do you know about micro-cock? 414 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,360 Micro-cock is literally like that hard. 415 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,920 Can't blame him. If I had a little micro-cock, 416 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:21,040 I'd probably be pissed off with the world as well, but mine is massive, so... 417 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:27,200 Right, how are we getting on? 418 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:31,280 I am not quite sure. This Alvin kid is as bad as Piers Morgan. 419 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:35,760 But you know what? I may have found a way to knock him off his little perch. 420 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,120 Now, Alvin is a really smooth operator, 421 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:41,840 but he only really uses the most popular kids. 422 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,760 He basically totally blanks the less popular ones. 423 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,160 Did you just throw a box of staples? 424 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,840 That could have taken Ralph's eye out. Throw one back, Ralph! 425 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:56,000 And I'll throw one as well. That's it and there's a... 426 00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,480 Help! 427 00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:01,040 -No, Ralph... -The boys are throwing staples at me! 428 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,920 I have done the maths. There are 23 delegates. 429 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,640 What if we form a multi-country alliance? 430 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,240 We can get all the less popular kids to vote against him. 431 00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:13,640 That is a terrific idea, but we need Terry. 432 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:17,280 I don't think he's really cut out for UN-style negotiations. 433 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:18,680 Go get Terry. 434 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:21,520 Right. 435 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,360 -We'll divide and conquer. -Got it, okay. 436 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,360 Oh, which one do I do? 437 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:27,760 Divide. 438 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:28,880 Divide, got it. 439 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:30,960 Is that World of Warcraft you are playing? 440 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:32,040 Yeah. 441 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:35,640 Ladies? All right! Whatever! 442 00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:39,320 How are you going to vote, do you think, in the voting? 443 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,000 I don't know, probably Russia, so they won't bully me. 444 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,360 Nick Corjon, I love him. 445 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,080 Oh, my God, isn't he hot? 446 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:48,960 Yes. He's so hot. 447 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,480 It's you, innit? 448 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:54,440 Nigerian delegate, innit? You all right, bruv, man? 449 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,400 I will get my dad to kick him in the nut sack. 450 00:19:57,560 --> 00:19:58,880 That I'd like to see. 451 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,720 We're probably all menstruating at the same time, aren't we? 452 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,280 -Have you got a lighter? -[clears throat] 453 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:09,920 I know who you guys are. 454 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,040 You are the rebels fighting against the system. 455 00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:14,120 [laughs] 456 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,040 I know. I've done it myself. 457 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,000 We'll keep your dirty little habit secret 458 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:19,320 if you do one little thing for us. 459 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:21,320 -What do you want? -We want your votes. 460 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,480 You have to promise to vote for the USA. 461 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,120 My boss knows Justin Bieber. 462 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,960 He can probably get you concert tickets. 463 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:29,560 OMG, really? 464 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,560 You are going to vote for him and I'll tell you why. 465 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:36,280 [camera snapping] 466 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:42,040 -Harriet, hi! -Hi. 467 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,840 I can see what you're up to, but your plan will fail. 468 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,200 This is my school, okay? 469 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:49,560 Do you really think they are going to listen to someone like you? No. 470 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:52,520 Harriet had a very unfortunate incident 471 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,600 when she was here in the science block, 472 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:58,640 which earned her an unkind nickname. 473 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:01,600 What was your nickname when you were here? What was that? 474 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,400 Harriet Poo-Pants, wasn't it? 475 00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:06,200 Harriet Poo-Pants! [fiffles] 476 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,000 And we heard about your GCSEs. 477 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,440 Eight Bs wasn't exactly what your parents were expecting, was it? 478 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:12,640 [tut-tutting] 479 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,000 See you around, Harriet Poo-Pants! 480 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:16,360 Poo-Pants! 481 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:18,960 Oh, nice, Ralph! 482 00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:20,400 We can't let him win. 483 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:21,760 I wouldn't worry about that guy. 484 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,040 He reminds me of the guy who cancelled Baywatch Nights, 485 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,480 my favourite show. Idiot! We are on top of this. 486 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:29,800 -Yes. -Yeah, Poo-Pants, 487 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:32,360 don't worry about fucking Hogwarts. 488 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,400 Why is everyone calling you Poo-Pants? 489 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,480 I shat myself. 490 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:46,560 Today? What? Like, today? 491 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,040 I don't know, it's possible. 492 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:52,960 Listen, you don't need to be thinking about girls shitting right now. 493 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:55,880 You need to get your head in the game. 494 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,880 I don't want you thinking about diarrhoea. 495 00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:02,000 Well, there was just this one time with a bad batch of Eton Mess. 496 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:04,280 [bell rings] 497 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,720 Currently we have an American President 498 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,560 who cannot do a thing without the approval of a Congress, 499 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:11,920 which is no longer under his party's control. 500 00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:13,200 -[COUGHS] -[voice from audience] Bollocks! 501 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,640 Democracy has cancelled itself out. 502 00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:17,880 Thank for your time. 503 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:19,600 [applause] 504 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:26,560 And, finally, I would like to invite Mr Has-sel-hoff to the stage, please. 505 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:28,720 -Dad, I am so nervous. -Don't worry, kid! 506 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,360 Just write me a victory speech. 507 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,560 -A speech? -This one's in the bag. 508 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:36,480 In the 1980s, 509 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:39,800 I was lucky enough to meet the president of the United States, 510 00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:41,080 Jimmy Carter. 511 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:45,880 Now, Jimmy Carter is the embodiment of the American dream. 512 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,680 He was a simple peanut farmer. 513 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,480 Everything he says is moronic. 514 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,880 And if he's not saying something moronic, 515 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:54,760 he is thinking of something to say 516 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,040 that will inevitably make him sound moronic. 517 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:01,080 And he worked day and night on his nuts. 518 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,800 And you know what happened to his nuts? 519 00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:07,120 Well, it's likely they turned into peanut butter, 520 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:12,280 or they may have been covered in chocolate, or he fed them to animals. 521 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:15,120 Now, is that not the American dream, 522 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,040 to harvest your own nuts for a few years 523 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,520 and turn yourself into the leader of the free world? 524 00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:24,080 [applause] 525 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:26,960 I actually found that genuinely inspirational. 526 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:30,640 Now, to vote, you need to put a single cross on your ballot papers 527 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,240 and post them in the box in front of me here. 528 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:49,600 Are you a delegate? 529 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:51,760 -Er... No, Miss. -Out of this room now. 530 00:23:56,240 --> 00:24:00,760 And I am pleased to announce the winner by a single vote 531 00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:02,400 is the USA! 532 00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:03,560 [cheering] 533 00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:06,040 I love politics! Oh! 534 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:08,400 Russia! Gutted? 535 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,560 Would Mr David Hasselhoff please come up to the stage 536 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,280 to collect his prize and make his victory speech? 537 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:18,800 Oh, thank you! Muah! 538 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:20,280 Awesome! 539 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,120 I want to share this with my team. 540 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:25,560 -[cheering] -Hey, Team Hoff! Okay... 541 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:30,440 "I often think the art of leadership 542 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:33,560 "consists in consolidating the attention of the people 543 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,440 "against a single adversary, 544 00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:40,200 "and taking care that nothing would divide up that attention. 545 00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,320 "And that is what I think we have achieved today." 546 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,280 I am proud of everyone who has voted for me. 547 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:48,920 -[clapping] -Thank you. [laughs] 548 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:51,400 He's stolen that from Adolf Hitler. 549 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:53,920 That's a quote from an Adolf Hitler speech. 550 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,960 Adolf Hitler wrote this speech? 551 00:24:57,040 --> 00:25:00,120 -Um, well, it is a rousing speech. -Oh, my God! 552 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,920 I've also have evidence that the US delegate 553 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,920 has been bribing other delegates. 554 00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:06,800 [crowd murmuring] 555 00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:09,800 -[gavel pounds] -Quiet! 556 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:14,680 I need to see the delegate of the USA and his team 557 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:16,480 in my office now, please. 558 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:22,040 Did you know that your son was a Nazi sympathiser? 559 00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:24,400 I don't know. I just met him. 560 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,160 Why can't you have just picked a speech from Angela Merkel, 561 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:28,560 or a Kraftwerk song or something? 562 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:30,120 It was a very successful speech at the time. 563 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:33,080 Yes, the time you're talking about is 1930s Berlin! 564 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:35,840 Don't start saying that just because I'm German I am Nazi. 565 00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:37,800 No, you're right, that would be ridiculous. 566 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:40,200 That would be really unfair of me to call you a Nazi 567 00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:41,680 because you are a German. 568 00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:44,080 -Thanks. -But you have to take into account 569 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,360 that you've just done is printed out a fuckin' Hitler speech! 570 00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:48,920 No, that I translated from memory. 571 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:51,640 That's not aiding your argument at all. 572 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,880 I am getting the Belgian delegates, the German delegate, I am... 573 00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:56,440 Who gives a shit? 574 00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:58,040 This is the Fisher Price UN! 575 00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:00,960 All this was about was showing off David in a positive setting. 576 00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:03,680 Now I have to tell a bunch of PRs and tabloids 577 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,720 that David Hasselhoff is not a fascist! 578 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:13,400 I hardly know where to begin. 579 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,360 Quite apart from an act of blatant plagiarism, 580 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,800 that is quite the most offensive thing to have ever happened 581 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:19,920 in this school. 582 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:23,720 On top of which, we have evidence of corruption and bribery. 583 00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:29,680 You have apparently offered my pupils Ray Ban sunglasses, 584 00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:34,560 tickets for Justin Bieber, porn log-ins, a cash-and-carry card, 585 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:38,520 and a night out in Sutton's second most expensive brothel. 586 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,040 Technically it's a strip club, but if you pay extra... 587 00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:42,120 Enough! 588 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:43,720 I told you we shouldn't have got Terry involved. 589 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:49,360 We were just trying to teach the children an important lesson 590 00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:51,360 about how world politics work. 591 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,040 I am a good friend of Arnold Schwarzenegger and 592 00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:56,120 I know how he became the Governator. 593 00:26:56,520 --> 00:27:00,520 There is absolutely no justification whatsoever for your actions. 594 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:02,320 As for you Charlotte... 595 00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:03,640 -Harriet. -Harriet. 596 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:06,320 You are demeaning yourself by associating with these people. 597 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:08,920 Okay. 598 00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:10,760 I know that not everything 599 00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:13,520 Mr Hasselhoff has done today has been perfect, 600 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:17,960 but at least he wants to save the world 601 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:20,360 and change things in this planet. 602 00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:22,720 He is always working for the greater good, aren't you? 603 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:24,240 -Always! -Yes. 604 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:26,400 Now I had a terrible time at this school, 605 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:28,600 Miss Dunwoody, mostly down to you. 606 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:33,760 Now, I have learnt more in the past three weeks working with this 607 00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:38,000 very strange but brilliant man, than I have ever learnt before. 608 00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:41,520 I learnt the other day that there is sometimes up to 1,300 calories 609 00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:43,720 in a restaurant salad! I mean, pff! 610 00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:46,120 Petroleum jelly is not just for the lips. 611 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:49,800 And maybe if you climb down from your ivory tower 612 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:51,760 once in a while, you would realise 613 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:54,920 that you are just a teacher in beige, 614 00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:59,600 and I am David Hasselhoff's assistant. 615 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:01,480 Harriet, what has come into you? 616 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,760 What are you going to do, give us a fucking detention? 617 00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:21,640 [kids clapping] 618 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:27,920 Anybody got a... 619 00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:30,880 [laughs] 620 00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:33,360 There you go. Be cool, stay in school! 621 00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:35,240 All right, here we go! 622 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:37,400 What? 623 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,360 You don't have anything for me to sign? 624 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:43,160 Aw, who's the Poo-Pants now? 625 00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:45,080 [cheering] 626 00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:47,920 [laughs] There you go, darling. Thank you very much! 627 00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:54,200 Landmines. Let's bring landmines back. 628 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:56,320 You leave that landmine stuff to me. 629 00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:58,200 Hoff is here, here to help! 630 00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:00,200 -[man] Who are ya? -David Hasselhoff! 631 00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:02,200 Do you expect me to believe that? 632 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:04,640 Oh, bloody hell, it is, innit? 633 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:06,600 It should have been Hasselhoff's List. 634 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:08,800 I've saved more people on Baywatch, 635 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:11,520 -than Schindler saved in World War 2. -Easily! 636 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:13,920 Real live landmines. 637 00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:16,280 [screaming] 638 00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:18,120 Stop the car! 639 00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:19,360 Put your hands up! 640 00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:21,280 I think we need to escape and we need to do it now. 641 00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:22,960 Hasselhoff! 642 00:29:23,010 --> 00:29:27,560 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 51097

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