Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:06,080
-David Hassel...-David Hasselhoff...
2
00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:08,720
He was the starof Knight Rider and Baywatch,
3
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,240
and even found time tobring down the Berlin Wall.
4
00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:12,800
According to
The Guinness Book of World Records,
5
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:16,040
over 1.1 billion viewerswatched David Hasselhoff
6
00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:19,400
at the height of his fame.But where did the viewers go?
7
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:21,800
...comeback tourwas pulled by US promoters.
8
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:24,560
Is the career of the famouslifeguard all washed up?
9
00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:26,200
And another divorce for David Hasselhoff
10
00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:28,160
and a fifth set ofalimony payments to make.
11
00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:30,880
David Hasselhoff has nowfiled for bankruptcy.
12
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:34,560
According to his UK manager,he's leaving the United States
13
00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,160
to pursue opportunities in England.
14
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:42,480
I came here to make a biopic,
a feature film based on my life.
15
00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:44,200
Turbo boost, turbo boost!
16
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:45,600
I still think that
17
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,640
Michael Knight would say it
the way David is saying it.
18
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:50,240
What?
19
00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:51,720
-I quit!
-No, you're fired.
20
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,440
-No, I quit.
-Fired.
21
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,440
-I am Dieter Hasselhoff.
-What?
22
00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:56,520
I am your son!
23
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,120
I am only doing this
24
00:00:58,200 --> 00:00:59,560
because I need the money.
25
00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:00,640
-It's a stills shoot.
-No...
26
00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:01,720
It's a stills shoot, stop!
27
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,320
My name is David Hasselhoff.
28
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:04,400
Not the words.
29
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:05,960
I'm pretty sure that could not
have gone worse,
30
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,760
so they've decided to terminate
your contract with immediate effect.
31
00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:10,320
I'm trending, what's wrong with that?
32
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:11,720
"David Hasselhoff is a bellend."
33
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,440
Well, great! What's a bellend?
34
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,080
You know what?
35
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,760
I think I'm finished with show business.
36
00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:23,560
Interesting, why? Thoughts?
37
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:27,480
1989, I sang to a million people,
I've Been Looking For Freedom.
38
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:29,840
One million people, on the Berlin Wall.
39
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:32,760
I used to mean something to people!
40
00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,240
Now all I do is sell aftershave!
41
00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:36,960
You're absolutely right, David.
42
00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:38,800
I've been watching the news,
the world is fucked.
43
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,160
You know who could
change the world? The Hoff!
44
00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:42,920
Imagine you turning up in North Korea,
45
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,360
everyone would fucking shit themselves.
46
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:45,480
That's right!
47
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,960
I can handle North Korea.
I can talk to that little guy.
48
00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:50,400
-Take a break.
-Okay.
49
00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:52,200
I used to work with Geri Halliwell.
You know her?
50
00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:53,360
Yeah, Girls Aloud.
51
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:56,600
Ginger Spice. I got her in the UN.
She's now a UN ambassador.
52
00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,320
You should be doing that, you've got
double the amount of brain cells.
53
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:01,920
That's it, that's it.
I could be a UN ambassador.
54
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:03,640
Right? I brought down the Berlin wall,
55
00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:05,440
I can bring down the wall in Palestine.
56
00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:06,880
I could bring down the Wailing Wall.
57
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,000
I could stop those people
from wailing in Jerusalem.
58
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:11,040
I could bring down
the Great Wall of China.
59
00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,880
I know it's great,
but I could bring it down.
60
00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,520
Imagine, a world without walls.
61
00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:17,320
A completely flat world.
62
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,720
-High-five!
-High-five!
63
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,280
Having brought down the Berlin Wall,
I think he thinks all walls
64
00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,040
offer the same political conundrum.
65
00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:26,880
Er, which is tricky,
66
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:30,720
but I think he can save the world
if it's not entirely brick-based.
67
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,080
-Hey!
-Oh, guess what?
68
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:36,080
Danny and I have got a great idea.
69
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,360
I'm going to be the UN ambassador.
Isn't that great?
70
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,080
Okay! Yeah, that sounds great.
71
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,200
Maybe not this year, but...
72
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,040
-What? You don't like it?
-No, it's great!
73
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:48,040
I'm just trying to get up to speed.
74
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:49,200
I'm just connecting the dots, here.
75
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:50,400
I'm sort of late to the party.
76
00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:54,080
Um... It's just we've just got loads of
really exciting offers coming in.
77
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,800
Uh, there's another Viagra endorsement.
78
00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,000
Er, Cuppa Soup want to do
a David Hasselhoff flavour.
79
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,600
I'm just in a back and forth
with them at the moment
80
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,240
about what David Hasselhoff tastes like.
81
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:06,640
We think the plan for David
to be UN ambassador is perfect.
82
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,320
Yeah. I'm going to take a shower.
83
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,800
Make it happen, huh?
I want to save the world.
84
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:14,960
[Danny] Good session!
85
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:17,560
-Hey, Danny!
-Yeah?
86
00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:19,800
Er, I just wanted to clear
something up with you.
87
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,720
We booked you as David's
personal trainer, all right?
88
00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:24,760
I mean, that's where your expertise lie,
89
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,680
you're sorting out his body, you're not...
90
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,320
-I'm here to make him better.
-Yeah.
91
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:30,840
It's just we're not hiring you
to give management advice.
92
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,080
I am his soul and fitness instructor.
93
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:34,840
Yeah, that's not what it says
on your contract, mate.
94
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:36,280
That's what it says on my card.
95
00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,200
Yeah, you can get anything
put on a business card.
96
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,640
I could get a card that says
I've got two dicks.
97
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,200
Have you?
98
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:44,600
No.
99
00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,120
You don't care about David.
100
00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,000
You're just here for a fast buck.
101
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:49,160
You disgust me.
102
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,920
-I'm not intimidated by you.
-No?
103
00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:53,560
Yeah, I'm not intimidated
by your working-class accent.
104
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,680
I've got working-class friends,
I've got working-class friends.
105
00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,080
Name one?
106
00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:58,600
-Bob.
-Bob who?
107
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,000
Bob...
108
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:02,880
-...Stubble.
-Where did you meet?
109
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:06,200
-Down at the pub.
-What's the pub called?
110
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:09,200
Red Horse.
111
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:17,000
[woman over phone]
United Nations Celebrity Liaison.
112
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:18,920
Hello, I'm going to cut to the chase here.
113
00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:20,680
We're wondering if you
were looking for any new
114
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,680
humanitarian ambassadors.
115
00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:26,120
I represent a pretty big star
and he's keen to get involved.
116
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:29,880
Sir, there is an official applicationprocess that needs to be completed
117
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,480
before a celebrity can beconsidered a goodwill UN ambassador.
118
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:36,200
Yeah, sure, but he is a really big star.
119
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,200
Okay, I'm going to throw a name at you.
120
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,840
It's David Hasselhoff.
121
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:44,120
[laughs] David Hasselhoff!That's a blast from the past!
122
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,120
I didn't realise he was still going.
123
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:48,640
I thought you were talkingabout someone big!
124
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:50,640
Good morning,
this is David Hasselhoff here.
125
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:51,760
Oh, Mr Hasselhoff!
126
00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:54,080
-I didn't realise you were on the phone.
-No, no, no. That's fine.
127
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,680
My good friend Geri, uh... Hallwell...
128
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:57,800
Halliwell.
129
00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:00,640
-Halliwell said I should call.
-I'm sorry, you've to go
130
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,680
through the official application process.
131
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:04,960
I suggest you fill upthe forms on the website
132
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,000
and get as much experience as you can
133
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,360
attending UN-endorsed eventsin the meantime.
134
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:12,000
Yeah, sure, sure.
Is there a level of flexibility on that?
135
00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:14,520
Because we are available
to be in Sierra Leone tomorrow.
136
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:16,960
I'm afraid there is none, sir. Good day.
137
00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:19,120
Well, that went well! Huh?
138
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,920
I'm going to get Danny on the phone.
He'll have the direct line.
139
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,880
So we're going to go straight
from the United Nations
140
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,320
to Danny the fucking personal trainer?
141
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,200
Danny, it's the Hoff...
142
00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,080
What's going on in the Middle East?
143
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:32,760
Could you imagine if I walked in and said,
144
00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:34,200
"Hi, David Hasselhoff"?
145
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,520
Right away, they're going to
feel the peace in the room.
146
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,800
I've heard stories of people's
homes being bombed
147
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,440
and when the Red Cross came to save them,
148
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,080
they wouldn't leave their homes,
149
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,360
because they wanted to
finish the episode of Baywatch.
150
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,760
[chuckles] Now that is heart-warming.
151
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:53,240
My old school actually
hosts model UN conferences.
152
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:54,880
Why don't we do that?
153
00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:56,320
What? Us going to my... No, no.
154
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:59,200
[stutters] It's not a place I want...
We should go.
155
00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:00,560
No, no, that's great!
156
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,800
No, Max those kids are really clever,
157
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:04,080
they'll tear David apart.
158
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:07,240
You just said that we need
more experience with UN-related events.
159
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,000
That's got UN in the title.
160
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,880
It will be a great photo opp, book it!
161
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:12,560
[sighs]
162
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,920
I think the Hoff would make
a brilliant UN ambassador.
163
00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,360
Do you know what I mean?
Cos most of them all talk shit,
164
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:21,200
do you know what I mean?
He's straight-talking, yeah?
165
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,280
The first time I met him,
I said, "Hello. Nice to meet you. Terry."
166
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,120
He went, "Terry, don't call me Turban."
167
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:28,800
I thought, that's racist,
but he's just so, so real.
168
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:29,920
Do you know what I mean?
169
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:34,400
And he's everything that a real man should
be, racist, sexist, homophobic.
170
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,480
Do you know what I mean?
Real man, old school!
171
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:38,960
And that's what
the world needs. We need a bit of truth.
172
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,920
-Explain it to me again.
-Okay.
173
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:49,280
So, the charter established six principal
organs of the United Nations.
174
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:52,280
I get confused between the security,
175
00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,040
the economic, and the social councils.
176
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,200
Well, shall I go through
the founding purpose again?
177
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,440
No, the UN is about resolving conflict.
178
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:03,160
It's what I did on Baywatch
every single episode.
179
00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:06,600
Resolve conflict.
It's what I do. I do it very well.
180
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:11,280
You walk in a room and you
say, "Can't we all just get along?"
181
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,600
Yeah, see? He's got this shit down.
182
00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:15,800
He knows what he's doing.
183
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:19,240
He'll just riff from there.
Why do you need to pump him full of facts?
184
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,640
What is your obsession with facts?
185
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,280
You're boring, you are like
a 40-year-old Hermione.
186
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:29,160
We feel like we're in
a revision session for GCSE Boffin.
187
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:30,920
It's hard to stay awake when you talk.
188
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:32,520
Shall we go over the six?
189
00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,000
The first one was the General Assembly...
190
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,320
[yawns dramatically]
191
00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:41,080
Okay, Max, I feel like now
you are just being rude.
192
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,920
Most people in high office
have come through this school.
193
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,840
Archbishops, prime ministers.
194
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:56,520
We are a very rich and fertilesoil in which to plant an acorn.
195
00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,880
-Nice school, Harriet!
-Er, yes, it's okay.
196
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,280
Oh, yeah! I love politics.
197
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,160
Do you reckon I can come in
and get involved in some
198
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:07,600
-of the debates and all that?
-I'm paying you to drive, Terry!
199
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:09,600
Stay in the car. These aren't your people!
200
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,280
I am a social chameleon,
201
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:15,440
so I could be talking to your crackhead on
the street and at the same time
202
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:19,880
I could be talking to, you know,
a big high-end roller banker.
203
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:21,160
That's Terry for you.
204
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:26,200
I adapt, I learn, adapt, move,
adapt, move and then learn.
205
00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:29,000
Learn and then adapt and move
and learn, yeah?
206
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,560
Do those steps and you'll be fine in life.
207
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,040
Welcome to Prince Edward's.
208
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,200
Good morning.
209
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,480
We didn't think
we'd be able to have a special guest
210
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:38,840
for our UN debate this year,
211
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:42,280
so we're absolutely delighted
you offered to do it for no fee.
212
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:44,000
Sorry, did you just say no fee?
213
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,400
Well, I am honoured.
214
00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:51,080
Now, Ralph... Ralph is
our budding David Bailey.
215
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,200
And can I introduce Alvin, our head boy?
216
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,720
Alvin. Hey, buddy. Like the chipmunks, eh?
217
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,600
Now, we've just got time to have a quick
tour of the school before we
218
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,600
go to the debate,
so if you'd like to follow me.
219
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,440
Hey, Andy Murray, piss off!
220
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,800
Now, this is the octagon and...
221
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,840
-Is it Charlotte?
-Harriet.
222
00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:16,920
Harriet Fitzgerald, 4-B.
223
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,520
Yes, hello, Miss Dunwoody.
224
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,440
You've changed! But what is it?
225
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,760
Your skin has cleared up,
nearly, hasn't it?
226
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,880
[Harriet] She makespeople feel very small.
227
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:29,320
And you know, I'm not that small,
228
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,720
so that shows how good she is at that.
229
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:36,680
I am proud to have won the UN debate
for the last three years running.
230
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:40,440
I was made head boy
because I think I am popular,
231
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,960
I've got drive and I've got ambition.
232
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,280
You know,
that and my father funded the new wing
233
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:47,920
on the school library, but...
234
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,600
I am actually planning to break the record
235
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:53,960
for being the youngest MP
in Parliament ever.
236
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:55,800
You know, John Major was a friend of mine.
237
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,920
I actually arranged a private
screening of Baywatch
238
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,840
for the leaders of the G8 Summit.
239
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:04,680
And flew over some of
the Baywatch babes. [chuckles]
240
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,480
I don't really watch TV.
241
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:09,440
We call it the idiot box at home.
[chuckles]
242
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,400
What a rude kid!
243
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,800
-Good morning, everyone!
-[kids] Good morning, Miss Dunwoody.
244
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:19,400
Now, welcome to our model UN debate.
245
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,840
Now, I am going to introduce
this year's topic.
246
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:27,120
This house believes that only
a democracy can be responsible
247
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,040
for maintaining a nuclear deterrent.
248
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:31,840
[clapping]
249
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,760
Now to kick the proceedings off,
250
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:37,640
I am going to welcome onto the stage
our special guest star today.
251
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,840
It's someone I am sure
you're all familiar with.
252
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,480
Mr David Ha-ssel-hoff.
253
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:44,840
[scattered applause]
254
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:50,000
The UN is a great institution.
255
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:54,520
It turns out that, without knowing it,
I have been putting into practice
256
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:58,120
many of the UN's founding principles,
257
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,200
like conflict resolution.
258
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,320
One day on Baywatch,
259
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:08,520
a very famous star came into work
with a breast enhancement.
260
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:12,800
Well, all of the other girls
got really jealous
261
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:17,120
and they started coming into work
with a breast enhancement.
262
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,640
Soon, it became chest wars.
263
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:24,040
It was like a nuclear arms race.
264
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,440
I resolved conflict on the set
265
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,600
by sitting those girls down
and comparing them,
266
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:32,480
saying, "Show me your boob,
put it on the table.
267
00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:34,360
"Show me your boob. Put it on the table.
268
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,280
"Now look at this, this is ridiculous.
269
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,880
"We can't have you this huge
and this small."
270
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,880
And after careful negotiations,
271
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:46,160
I got every girl to agree to 34C.
272
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:50,000
Now, that is conflict resolution.
273
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:52,680
[smug sigh]
274
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,520
To be perfectly honest,
I thought he was mad.
275
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:58,960
Thank you, er...
276
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:03,320
Mr Ha-ssel-Hoff. Very interesting analogy.
277
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,560
The Hoff's got a very good understanding
of world politics,
278
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,240
'cause he's been around the world,
do you know what I mean?
279
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:10,280
He's had sex with every
type of women you can imagine.
280
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:13,360
Just the other day, I said,
"What about ginge?" "Yeah, done ginge."
281
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,240
"What about, like, really black?"
He said, "I've done really black,
282
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,160
"like, midnight jet-black, almost purple."
283
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,880
I said, "What about mixed race?" He went,
284
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,960
"I've had every race you can
imagine, all mixes!"
285
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,520
Do you know what I mean?
It... It's inspirational, mate!
286
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,400
-[bell rings]
-What happens now?
287
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:30,960
All the kids will off and debate together.
288
00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:33,520
Oh, a debate?
I'd love to be part of the debate.
289
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,200
Er, that's not really necessary.
290
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:39,000
Come on, Max, I am here to
participate, you know,
291
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:40,400
and warm up for the real UN.
292
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:43,520
If it is at all possible,
I would like to join in as well.
293
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:47,240
Oh, yeah, nice idea, Fritz.
Yes. I can't see how that would end badly!
294
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:50,040
Max, we'd like to do the debate.
295
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,200
All right!
296
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:55,240
Um, Harriet, go and talk to the
ghost of Margaret Thatcher.
297
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:57,400
Wish me luck.
298
00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,480
Okay, how about we call our team...
299
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:02,520
Tornado?
300
00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:04,240
I think they are
just named after countries.
301
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:05,520
I think you just pick a country.
302
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,000
Poornado!
303
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,720
-Like we take down the poor countries.
-Right.
304
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:13,240
Because if we get Third World countries
first, they're the easy ones.
305
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:14,440
It's not Risk.
306
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:16,400
No, but this is
the way we build the empire.
307
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,360
So easy to see how
the Second World War started.
308
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,560
Is there any chance at all that
309
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:27,360
Mr Hasselhoff and his son
Dieter could participate in the UN debate?
310
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:30,280
Are we negotiating here?
311
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:31,800
[laughs awkwardly]
312
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,640
If you offered to, say...
313
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,880
Litter pick the school field
after the debate today?
314
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,360
Miss Dunwoody, I am now a professional,
I am not at school.
315
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:45,960
Yes, all right.
316
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,720
Go on, off you go.
317
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:53,920
It doesn't really matter
which country I get.
318
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,840
The cream always rises to the top.
319
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,880
Opposition annihilated.
320
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,520
[gasps] Austria! Amazing!
321
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,200
"Moldova"? Where is Moldova?
322
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:09,360
Not a clue, mate!
323
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:13,160
Is that even a country?
God, sounds like a fairytale land.
324
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,280
Greece.
325
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:16,600
My father has more money than Greece.
326
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:17,680
I bet he does.
327
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,280
Russia! Yes! Well, I've won. [sniggers]
328
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,280
Russia will easily steam roller
the Eastern European member states
329
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:27,200
and Asia Pacific member states
into a massive block vote.
330
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:28,800
And Shy Doug's got the US.
331
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:29,920
He's over there.
332
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:32,040
Oh, this is going to be a cake walk.
333
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,400
Go and have a word with him, won't you?
334
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,600
If Shy Doug and the U.S. join
us, the debate is in the bag.
335
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:39,360
He might need a little persuading.
336
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:40,520
How far should I go?
337
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,360
Start with the Chinese burn
and then if that doesn't work,
338
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:44,680
smash up his iPad.
339
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,200
This kid's are fucking brutal.
340
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,360
Don't worry about it!
I'll sort it out. Give me that badge.
341
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:51,560
You deal with Art Garfunkel.
342
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,200
Hey, buddy! Want to take another photo?
343
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:58,440
Hey! Little guy!
Don't worry, I've been CRB checked.
344
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,560
Let's talk about how much
that USA badge is worth to you.
345
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,960
-What's in it for me?
-Let's see what Grandad's got for you.
346
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:06,560
Nice one.
347
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:09,920
Say hello to the
newly-installed ambassador
348
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:11,400
for the good old US of A!
349
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:15,080
Have I mentioned that
you are the best manager I have ever had?
350
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:16,360
Oh, thanks!
351
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:17,440
Excuse me.
352
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,240
[clears throat] Hey, Alvin!
353
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,720
Just wanted to say I am
really looking forward to negotiations.
354
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:26,400
Negotiation is a euphemism
for capitulation, Mr Hasselhoff.
355
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,920
I fully intend to win, not to negotiate.
356
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,680
And I am sorry to say
357
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:33,080
that you and your
pathetic little country will be crushed.
358
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:38,560
That may be, but I think you'll find that
there is a new sheriff in town.
359
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:40,600
USA!
360
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:42,880
[high pitched] What, what?
361
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:47,120
Well, that sounds
like a declaration of war, Mr Hasselhoff.
362
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,240
I warn you, I fight dirty.
363
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,520
Let the face-Hoff begin!
364
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,240
[whooshing]
365
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:01,640
[Miss Dunwoody]
Now the next stage of the debate,
366
00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:05,720
the delegateswill be divided into four separate rooms.
367
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,440
But given the severity of the situation,
368
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:11,320
I would have to encourage you
to support an amendment
369
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,680
that allows Russia to be exempted
from that part of the resolution.
370
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,640
-Hear, hear!
-No, absolutely not.
371
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:19,560
Then I enlist the support
of my delegates from Austria
372
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:23,240
and Czechoslovakia to help
support my veto of this amendment!
373
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,560
-Hear, hear!
-Czechoslovakia isn't a country.
374
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,680
-Since when?
-1992.
375
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:29,640
Well, here you have it.
That was years ago.
376
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,080
We're talking about today.
377
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:32,680
That makes no sense.
378
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,120
Five minutes, five minutes.
379
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,440
Coffee, coffee, coffee!
380
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:48,280
Okay, I need to know everything
about world politics since 1989.
381
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:49,360
Right!
382
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,720
Um... The Berlin Wall fell in 1989.
383
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:52,880
I was there!
384
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,480
No, I know, but that spelt the end of
communism as a major world force,
385
00:16:56,800 --> 00:17:00,480
which left Yugoslavia in disarray and it
split into different countries.
386
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:02,760
I love Yugoslavia.
It's where I met my first wife.
387
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,360
Right, but focus, David.
388
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:05,960
And then there were all these big wars
389
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:08,640
between the Bosnians,
and Kosovans, Serbians.
390
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,320
But basically now it's all resolved.
391
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,720
Some of them are in the EU
and some of them want to be.
392
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,440
One of them's in LA.
393
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:18,920
[sips loudly] Yeah...
394
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:22,320
[woman over PA] In ten minutes,please make your way to the hall.
395
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,680
I have never met
anyone of his age that stupid!
396
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,000
[kids laugh]
397
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,120
What?
398
00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:34,960
You don't say things like that
about mein Vater.
399
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,640
Er, sorry, your what? Your Vater?
400
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,040
Yeah, my dad, okay?
401
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,680
Oh, he is your dad, really?
402
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:42,920
[laughter]
403
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,320
Well, your dad is an idiot.
404
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,440
No, you're the idiot, I am afraid!
405
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,680
Er... Okay. Weirdo!
406
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,320
[laughing]
407
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:54,840
You laugh like little baby.
408
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:58,040
Alvin doesn't like my dad
and he seems to think that I am weird.
409
00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:00,880
I think that Alvin can go
back to the Chipmunks
410
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:02,480
and get on with his drumming.
411
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,280
Alvin, what do I say about him?
412
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,520
Tiny cock, that's why he acts like that.
413
00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:11,320
He's got a tiny... He's probably
got... Do you know about micro-cock?
414
00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,360
Micro-cock is literally like that hard.
415
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,920
Can't blame him.
If I had a little micro-cock,
416
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:21,040
I'd probably be pissed off with the world
as well, but mine is massive, so...
417
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:27,200
Right, how are we getting on?
418
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:31,280
I am not quite sure.
This Alvin kid is as bad as Piers Morgan.
419
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:35,760
But you know what? I may have found a way
to knock him off his little perch.
420
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,120
Now, Alvin is a really smooth operator,
421
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:41,840
but he only really uses
the most popular kids.
422
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,760
He basically totally blanks
the less popular ones.
423
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,160
Did you just throw a box of staples?
424
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,840
That could have taken Ralph's eye
out. Throw one back, Ralph!
425
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:56,000
And I'll throw one as well.
That's it and there's a...
426
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,480
Help!
427
00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:01,040
-No, Ralph...
-The boys are throwing staples at me!
428
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,920
I have done the maths.
There are 23 delegates.
429
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,640
What if we form a multi-country alliance?
430
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,240
We can get all
the less popular kids to vote against him.
431
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:13,640
That is a terrific idea,
but we need Terry.
432
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:17,280
I don't think he's really cut
out for UN-style negotiations.
433
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:18,680
Go get Terry.
434
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:21,520
Right.
435
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,360
-We'll divide and conquer.
-Got it, okay.
436
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,360
Oh, which one do I do?
437
00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:27,760
Divide.
438
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:28,880
Divide, got it.
439
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:30,960
Is that World of Warcraft you are playing?
440
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:32,040
Yeah.
441
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:35,640
Ladies? All right! Whatever!
442
00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:39,320
How are you going to vote,
do you think, in the voting?
443
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,000
I don't know, probably Russia,
so they won't bully me.
444
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,360
Nick Corjon, I love him.
445
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,080
Oh, my God, isn't he hot?
446
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:48,960
Yes. He's so hot.
447
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,480
It's you, innit?
448
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:54,440
Nigerian delegate, innit?
You all right, bruv, man?
449
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,400
I will get my dad to kick him
in the nut sack.
450
00:19:57,560 --> 00:19:58,880
That I'd like to see.
451
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,720
We're probably all
menstruating at the same time, aren't we?
452
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,280
-Have you got a lighter?
-[clears throat]
453
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:09,920
I know who you guys are.
454
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,040
You are the rebels
fighting against the system.
455
00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:14,120
[laughs]
456
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,040
I know. I've done it myself.
457
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,000
We'll keep your dirty little habit secret
458
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:19,320
if you do one little thing for us.
459
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:21,320
-What do you want?
-We want your votes.
460
00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,480
You have to promise to vote for the USA.
461
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,120
My boss knows Justin Bieber.
462
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,960
He can probably get you concert tickets.
463
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:29,560
OMG, really?
464
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,560
You are going to vote for him
and I'll tell you why.
465
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:36,280
[camera snapping]
466
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:42,040
-Harriet, hi!
-Hi.
467
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,840
I can see what you're up to,
but your plan will fail.
468
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,200
This is my school, okay?
469
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:49,560
Do you really think they are going to
listen to someone like you? No.
470
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:52,520
Harriet had a very unfortunate incident
471
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,600
when she was here in the science block,
472
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:58,640
which earned her an unkind nickname.
473
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:01,600
What was your nickname
when you were here? What was that?
474
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,400
Harriet Poo-Pants, wasn't it?
475
00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:06,200
Harriet Poo-Pants! [fiffles]
476
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,000
And we heard about your GCSEs.
477
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,440
Eight Bs wasn't exactly what
your parents were expecting, was it?
478
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:12,640
[tut-tutting]
479
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,000
See you around, Harriet Poo-Pants!
480
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:16,360
Poo-Pants!
481
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:18,960
Oh, nice, Ralph!
482
00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:20,400
We can't let him win.
483
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:21,760
I wouldn't worry about that guy.
484
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,040
He reminds me of the guy who
cancelled Baywatch Nights,
485
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,480
my favourite show.
Idiot! We are on top of this.
486
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:29,800
-Yes.
-Yeah, Poo-Pants,
487
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:32,360
don't worry about fucking Hogwarts.
488
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,400
Why is everyone calling you Poo-Pants?
489
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,480
I shat myself.
490
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:46,560
Today? What? Like, today?
491
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,040
I don't know, it's possible.
492
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:52,960
Listen, you don't need to be thinking
about girls shitting right now.
493
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:55,880
You need to get your head in the game.
494
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,880
I don't want you thinking about diarrhoea.
495
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:02,000
Well, there was just this one
time with a bad batch of Eton Mess.
496
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:04,280
[bell rings]
497
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,720
Currently we have an American President
498
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,560
who cannot do a thing without
the approval of a Congress,
499
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:11,920
which is no longer under
his party's control.
500
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:13,200
-[COUGHS]
-[voice from audience] Bollocks!
501
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,640
Democracy has cancelled itself out.
502
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:17,880
Thank for your time.
503
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:19,600
[applause]
504
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:26,560
And, finally, I would like to invite
Mr Has-sel-hoff to the stage, please.
505
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:28,720
-Dad, I am so nervous.
-Don't worry, kid!
506
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,360
Just write me a victory speech.
507
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,560
-A speech?
-This one's in the bag.
508
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:36,480
In the 1980s,
509
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:39,800
I was lucky enough to meet
the president of the United States,
510
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:41,080
Jimmy Carter.
511
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:45,880
Now, Jimmy Carter
is the embodiment of the American dream.
512
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,680
He was a simple peanut farmer.
513
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,480
Everything he says is moronic.
514
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,880
And if he's not saying something moronic,
515
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:54,760
he is thinking of something to say
516
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,040
that will inevitably
make him sound moronic.
517
00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:01,080
And he worked day and night on his nuts.
518
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,800
And you know what happened to his nuts?
519
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:07,120
Well, it's likely
they turned into peanut butter,
520
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:12,280
or they may have been covered in
chocolate, or he fed them to animals.
521
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:15,120
Now, is that not the American dream,
522
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,040
to harvest your own nuts for a few years
523
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,520
and turn yourself
into the leader of the free world?
524
00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:24,080
[applause]
525
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:26,960
I actually found that
genuinely inspirational.
526
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:30,640
Now, to vote, you need to put
a single cross on your ballot papers
527
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,240
and post them in the box
in front of me here.
528
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:49,600
Are you a delegate?
529
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:51,760
-Er... No, Miss.
-Out of this room now.
530
00:23:56,240 --> 00:24:00,760
And I am pleased to announce
the winner by a single vote
531
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:02,400
is the USA!
532
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:03,560
[cheering]
533
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:06,040
I love politics! Oh!
534
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:08,400
Russia! Gutted?
535
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,560
Would Mr David Hasselhoff
please come up to the stage
536
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,280
to collect his prize
and make his victory speech?
537
00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:18,800
Oh, thank you! Muah!
538
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:20,280
Awesome!
539
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,120
I want to share this with my team.
540
00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:25,560
-[cheering]
-Hey, Team Hoff! Okay...
541
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:30,440
"I often think the art of leadership
542
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:33,560
"consists in consolidating
the attention of the people
543
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,440
"against a single adversary,
544
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:40,200
"and taking care that nothing
would divide up that attention.
545
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,320
"And that is what
I think we have achieved today."
546
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,280
I am proud of everyone
who has voted for me.
547
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:48,920
-[clapping]
-Thank you. [laughs]
548
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:51,400
He's stolen that from Adolf Hitler.
549
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:53,920
That's a quote from
an Adolf Hitler speech.
550
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,960
Adolf Hitler wrote this speech?
551
00:24:57,040 --> 00:25:00,120
-Um, well, it is a rousing speech.
-Oh, my God!
552
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,920
I've also have evidence
that the US delegate
553
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,920
has been bribing other delegates.
554
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:06,800
[crowd murmuring]
555
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:09,800
-[gavel pounds]
-Quiet!
556
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:14,680
I need to see the delegate
of the USA and his team
557
00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:16,480
in my office now, please.
558
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:22,040
Did you know that
your son was a Nazi sympathiser?
559
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:24,400
I don't know. I just met him.
560
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,160
Why can't you have just picked
a speech from Angela Merkel,
561
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:28,560
or a Kraftwerk song or something?
562
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:30,120
It was a very
successful speech at the time.
563
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:33,080
Yes, the time
you're talking about is 1930s Berlin!
564
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:35,840
Don't start saying that
just because I'm German I am Nazi.
565
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:37,800
No, you're right,
that would be ridiculous.
566
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:40,200
That would be really unfair of me
to call you a Nazi
567
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:41,680
because you are a German.
568
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:44,080
-Thanks.
-But you have to take into account
569
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,360
that you've just done is printed
out a fuckin' Hitler speech!
570
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:48,920
No, that I translated from memory.
571
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:51,640
That's not aiding your argument at all.
572
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,880
I am getting the Belgian delegates,
the German delegate, I am...
573
00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:56,440
Who gives a shit?
574
00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:58,040
This is the Fisher Price UN!
575
00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:00,960
All this was about was showing off
David in a positive setting.
576
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:03,680
Now I have to tell a bunch
of PRs and tabloids
577
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,720
that David Hasselhoff is not a fascist!
578
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:13,400
I hardly know where to begin.
579
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,360
Quite apart from an act
of blatant plagiarism,
580
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,800
that is quite the most offensive thing
to have ever happened
581
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:19,920
in this school.
582
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:23,720
On top of which, we have
evidence of corruption and bribery.
583
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:29,680
You have apparently offered
my pupils Ray Ban sunglasses,
584
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:34,560
tickets for Justin Bieber,
porn log-ins, a cash-and-carry card,
585
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:38,520
and a night out in Sutton's
second most expensive brothel.
586
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,040
Technically it's a strip club,
but if you pay extra...
587
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:42,120
Enough!
588
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:43,720
I told you we shouldn't have
got Terry involved.
589
00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:49,360
We were just trying
to teach the children an important lesson
590
00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:51,360
about how world politics work.
591
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,040
I am a good friend of
Arnold Schwarzenegger and
592
00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:56,120
I know how he became the Governator.
593
00:26:56,520 --> 00:27:00,520
There is absolutely no justification
whatsoever for your actions.
594
00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:02,320
As for you Charlotte...
595
00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:03,640
-Harriet.
-Harriet.
596
00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:06,320
You are demeaning yourself
by associating with these people.
597
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:08,920
Okay.
598
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:10,760
I know that not everything
599
00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:13,520
Mr Hasselhoff has done today
has been perfect,
600
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:17,960
but at least he wants to save the world
601
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:20,360
and change things in this planet.
602
00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:22,720
He is always working
for the greater good, aren't you?
603
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:24,240
-Always!
-Yes.
604
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:26,400
Now I had a terrible time at this school,
605
00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:28,600
Miss Dunwoody, mostly down to you.
606
00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:33,760
Now, I have learnt more in the past
three weeks working with this
607
00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:38,000
very strange but brilliant man,
than I have ever learnt before.
608
00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:41,520
I learnt the other day that there is
sometimes up to 1,300 calories
609
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:43,720
in a restaurant salad! I mean, pff!
610
00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:46,120
Petroleum jelly is not just for the lips.
611
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:49,800
And maybe if you climb down
from your ivory tower
612
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:51,760
once in a while, you would realise
613
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:54,920
that you are just a teacher in beige,
614
00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:59,600
and I am David Hasselhoff's assistant.
615
00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:01,480
Harriet, what has come into you?
616
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,760
What are you going to do,
give us a fucking detention?
617
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:21,640
[kids clapping]
618
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:27,920
Anybody got a...
619
00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:30,880
[laughs]
620
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:33,360
There you go. Be cool, stay in school!
621
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:35,240
All right, here we go!
622
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:37,400
What?
623
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,360
You don't have anything for me to sign?
624
00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:43,160
Aw, who's the Poo-Pants now?
625
00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:45,080
[cheering]
626
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:47,920
[laughs] There you go, darling.
Thank you very much!
627
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:54,200
Landmines. Let's bring landmines back.
628
00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:56,320
You leave that landmine stuff to me.
629
00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:58,200
Hoff is here, here to help!
630
00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:00,200
-[man] Who are ya?
-David Hasselhoff!
631
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:02,200
Do you expect me to believe that?
632
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:04,640
Oh, bloody hell, it is, innit?
633
00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:06,600
It should have been Hasselhoff's List.
634
00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:08,800
I've saved more people on Baywatch,
635
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:11,520
-than Schindler saved in World War 2.
-Easily!
636
00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:13,920
Real live landmines.
637
00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:16,280
[screaming]
638
00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:18,120
Stop the car!
639
00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:19,360
Put your hands up!
640
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:21,280
I think we need to escape
and we need to do it now.
641
00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:22,960
Hasselhoff!
642
00:29:23,010 --> 00:29:27,560
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
51097
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.