All language subtitles for Hoff The Record s01e01 The Movie.eng

-David Hassel...
-David Hasselhoff...

He was the star
of Knight Rider and Baywatch

and even found time to
bring down the Berlin Wall.

According to
The Guinness Book of World Records,

over 1.1 billion viewers
watched David Hasselhoff

at the height of his fame.
But where did the viewers go?

...comeback tour
was pulled by US promoters.

Is the career of the famous
lifeguard all washed up?

And another divorce for David Hasselhoff

and a fifth set
of alimony payments to make.

David Hasselhoff has now
filed for bankruptcy.

According to his UK manager,
he's leaving the United States

to pursue opportunities in England.

I don't want to say that people

don't want to employ him in the States.

But I am not sure that people

in the entertainment industry
want to employ him in the States.

Max is my UK manager and he
convinced me to come over here

because he was
going to change my career.

I just thought I needed a change.
Sometimes, change is good.

[over phone] Hoff-Meister! Max here.
Can't wait to see you in London.

Great news! We've got
a green light on the film.

You are going to star in your own
biopic, we're back in the big time.

As you know, we're on a budget.

So I have got a slightly
smaller entourage than usual

but, individually,
they are large people.

I'm... I'm Harriet.
I am your new assistant.

I literally cannot believe it's you.

Are you, like, a hologram?
Are you... Can I touch you?

-Where is my normal driver?
-Oh, my name is Terry.

Where is my manager?

Oh, Max is meeting us
at the film studio.

[David Hasselhoff] So who else have
you been a PA for?

Um, no-one.

Um, for the past four years,
I've been studying for

a PhD in malaria.

That's great work experience
for this kind of job, huh?

Um, do you mind if I ask
you a question, Mr Hoff?

-Go ahead.
-Did you ever shag Pamela Anderson

or is she the world's
biggest prick tease?

No, Terry. It would have been
extremely unprofessional

to have sex with any
of the Baywatch cast.

I mean, that's just
highly unprofessional.

I did not have sex with anyone
in the Baywatch cast.

Oh! [laughs]

Fucking hell, Hoff!
You've got that banter on lock, mate.

I know what you mean.
I know what you mean, lad!

Since I was a little teenager,
I used to watch the Hoff, yeah?

I mean... I mean, it sounds
a bit gay saying it now but

I have actually knocked one
out to him, not to him,

but I was watching Baywatch,
obviously for Pammy, yeah?

In the motion, last frame, Hoff.
So I actually climaxed to the Hoff.

So, uh, Pamela Anderson reminds me

of this one, uh, this one
girl that I was seeing.

She had a massive pair of tits
but with tiny nipples,

like a child's nipple. Do you know
what I mean? And she was lovely.

Is he... Is he going to be
with us the whole time?

Yes.

Oh, my God!

I came over to the UK because of Max.

He called me and he said they're
going to do this really cool art film

or biopic, which will be
an accurate chronological

description of your life, you know.

So, I figure, maybe they will
probably have somebody playing me

when I'm young, because
I can't play myself at eight.

You know? I mean, I can play maybe 18.

Just a quick selfie, if you don't mind.

Um... Um...

Just really quick, really quick.
Hey, lads.

-Don't post that!
-I promise I won't.

Which one of you is David Hasselhoff?

I'm David Hasselhoff.

Hi. Millie. I'm the associate producer
of the film.

I am going to be taking you through.

-[David Hasselhoff] Where is Max?
-[camera shutter clicking]

I... I... I just need to talk to Max.

Max. No, I don't have a Max, sorry.

-He's my manager.
-Oh!

One of the David Hasselhoffs

has apparently lost a guy called Max.

Did she say, "One of
the David Hasselhoffs"?

Wait here. Josh will be
with you in a moment.

Thank you.

Hi.

What are you guys doing here?

-I'm here to play David Hasselhoff.
-Sorry?

I'm auditioning to play
David Hasselhoff.

Are you here to do the same thing?

You're kidding, right?
I need to find Max.

-Right now?
-Now, now!

Max!

[sighs]

-I'm looking for a Max Coleman.
-Sorry?

How would you feel? Yeah. Confused.

I met David at the
Pride of Britain Awards in 2007.

Um, he was presenting an award to a dog

who had, um, saved a busload
of schoolchildren

and I was trying to sign up the dog.

Um, unfortunately, missed out on that,

got David.

David has gone on to earn

at least a quarter
of what that dog has earned,

so,

I don't regret it.

Finally, he arrives.

Hasselhoff! You randy old horn dog!

[both laughing]

What the hell is going on?

I've got a driver who is
educationally challenged

I have an assistant who's never
been an assistant before.

I think I'm having an LSD flashback

because behind me are a bunch of guys

who are auditioning
to play David Hasselhoff.

Now, is that crazy or what?

OK, I think we need to talk
about this outside.

-I think so.
-Yeah. OK.

OK, listen, I know
it feels very unorthodox,

I will give you that.

But you need to understand, there
is a lot of buzz around this film.

So much buzz, it's difficult to hear.

No, no, no, the only buzz I hear
is from my brain disconnecting

from seeing those
David Hasselhoffs in there.

This is your story, this is your film.

The best thing you can do
right now is just not worry.

The director would like to see you now.

Thank you.

I have a few questions for him.

David, time to get the game face on.

I will be with you
every step of the way.

Uh, no, not you.

Only the David Hasselhoff
can come into the room.

OK, yeah. I will be with you
but outside waiting! OK.

-OK, ready?
-Joy!

I hesitate to say that David
is here out of desperation.

But, for want of a better phrase,

David is here out of desperation.

-Hoff!
-Hello.

I am a huge fan,

ever since you dazzled
the world with Knight Rider.

Ha! Thank you for those kind words,
very nice to meet you.

I don't know what you've
been told about my methods

all I'm gonna say is,
is I like a fluid process.

[sighs]

What exactly is a fluid process?

-Why don't you take a seat?
-OK.

-Have you got representation?
-No.

You lot could work
as a boy band, actually.

Interested in that?

The movie I'm making is called
The Seven Ages of David Hasselhoff.

I'm making it because
his story is incredible.

My vision is to have seven
different actors, different races,

gender and age, to play you
at various points in your life.

So, let me get this straight, I am
not playing the Hoff the whole time?

It was weird. He's kind of...
He assumed that,

because he is David Hasselhoff,

he could actually play David Hasselhoff.

The David Hasselhoff story
is a comment on celebrity.

-What happens when the music stops?
-Yes, that's really good.

What do you mean,
"When the music stops"?

The music hasn't stopped.

The music's never stopped playing.

I hear music all the time.

David, you're actually not gonna be
involved in this workshop.

OK, we're gonna get
the younger ones in.

You're more than welcome
to watch if you want.

But later on, we'll get you
back in to play Hasselhoff

at 60 with the older ones.

-What do you have here, Millie?
-What? What?

Right, so we've got child Hoff,

played by a person of minute stature

-for child labour laws.
-Yeah.

We also have teenage Hoff,

Hoff in his 20s and Hoff in his 30s.

Uh, just a second,
you know, I don't wanna

play Hasselhoff at 60, OK?

You know, I know that I am 62

but I should play a much younger Hoff,

like in his 30s.
I am still in good shape.

[laughs] That's really funny.

How about 40?

I like the arrogance.

-Get in line, give it a go.
-Thank you. Thank you.

How long before the bomb
is due to go off, KITT?

-Wow! That was good.
-That was really good.

Keep your scanners peel... Peeled!

-Nice. I like that.
-Keep your scanners peeled!

I don't know about David.

-You are the car! You are the car!
-[imitates car engine revving]

Watch out for the car?

Oh!

Whoa!

[Josh] No more sound. No more sound.
Buster Keaton.

[inaudible]

KITT, get me out of here!

I think it's a no.
You four were really good.

He is an actor. He is Marlon Brando.

He's not as good as Marlon Brando.

I've grown up watching
all of his TV shows,

all of his films, even the shit ones.

David's acting style is strange.

I understand that, in the '80s,
it would be seen as good

because it was a lot of slow motion.

I see a woman drowning there!

Let's go and get her.

Dave, you've hit the water,
you're swimming.

[David] No pulse.
Let's get her back to the shore.

She'll be dead at that rate,
get her back!

-Still no pulse.
-She's dead.

No, she can't be dead yet.

Come on, guys, she'll drown.

No, I can't drown,
I'm already dead, aren't I?

-For God's sake!
-[Josh] What's your name?

-Imre.
-Imre?

You're doing really well.
You said a lot more

than they did without saying anything.

I wanted to hit the director

but you know, I've never hit
anybody that... That small.

Wait a minute! Hold it, hold it!

This is not a workshop,
this is a fricking audition!

Are you telling me that I might
not even be in my own biopic?

Bob Dylan wasn't
in the Bob Dylan biopic.

Well, I'm sure
he didn't have to audition

for his own biopic, did he?

He probably had better things to do.

-Yeah, I am sure he did.
-Let's take a break.

[David Hasselhoff] Max!

How did it go?

I have no idea what my film is about.

Excuse me!

-Who is that?
-[Millie] That's Marcus Forster.

Yeah, Josh is a huge fan. He is
going to be playing one of the Hoffs.

He is playing one of me?

Ah! He played Hamlet when
he was 12, I think he can manage.

He's probably one of the best
actors in the world right now,

along with you.

[grunts]

So I spent the last three weeks

sleeping rough on a beach
underneath a pier in Santa Monica.

You know, I trained
extensively with the lifeguard.

The rehearsal room is a lamppost

and I am just going to piss all over it.

A lot of actors are scared

to bring that
level of piss to the table.

Marcus Forster is a genius.

You can tell by the way he speaks
that he's very intelligent.

Question!

Would I be playing David as a baby?

-Put that in there.
-[knocking on door]

-I'm sorry.
-Wait outside, please.

Sorry, really, I'm sorry. I just...

Uh, you know, the workshop felt
more like an audition to me.

But I really want to have another
go at the workshop, you know.

OK.

Oh! Excuse me, we haven't met.
I'm... My name is David Hasselhoff.

-So is mine.
-OK.

OK.

When there is
a biopic of someone's life,

the person that that movie
is based on tends to be in it.

You know, it's very difficult
to think of a biopic

that didn't feature

the person who it was based...

Lincoln didn't feature him, obviously,

Ray and, um, JFK.

Come to think of it, it's very
difficult to think of a biopic

that has featured the person
that the biopic is based on.

So this is an
opportunity to buck the trend.

[Josh] We are going to improvise
a scene from Knight Rider.

Go!

-All right, buddy.
-[Josh] They've got guns.

They are gaining on us. They've got
guns. They're shooting at us, KITT.

-[Josh] Pick up the pace.
-Turbo boost! Turbo boost!

-[screams]
-Stop!

Marcus, what are you thinking?

I just don't think that
Michael Knight would say it

-the way that David is saying it.
-Agreed.

[Millie] Yeah.
[Marcus] It just...

-What?
-[Marcus] It just didn't feel...

-What?
-I would agree with you, Marcus.

I've done 98 hours of Knight Rider.

I think I know how to do it.

Yeah, I've just watched
98 hours of Knight Rider, so...

Plus the TV movies.

I'll show you what I mean.

Take his place.
David, please remove yourself.

Thank you, brother.

[sighs]

[Josh] Just gonna watch Marcus do it.

Oh, KITT, these guys are on our ass.

You've got to charge it up, buddy.

But before we do,

open up Twitter real quick,
I want to send a tweet.

"Bad guys on my tail,

scary but fun.

Hashtag knight-riding ain't easy

but somebody's got to do it.
Hashtag YOLO.

Hashtag grateful.
Hashtag bless." Tweet that.

First of all, that's illegal
to tweet while you are driving

and can cause serious accidents.

So, obviously he was, like, you know,

not caring about all
the other people on the road

and the theme of Knight Rider
is one man can make a difference.

Not one man can crash into other cars.

-That was incredible, Marcus.
-Cool.

[Josh] OK, in this one, Marcus,

-you're 30-year-old Hoff.
-OK.

-OK?
-Yeah.

Hoff, you are 60-year-old Hoff.

You know what? I'm still in good shape.

[grunts] I think I can
play 30-year-old Hoff.

-Yeah. I want you to do 60.
-OK, all right, I'll do 60.

-No, 70.
-70?

Come here. Face each other,
it's a mirror, it's a mirror game. OK.

So, you've, you've seen
the younger version of yourself,

a better version of yourself,

you know, the better-looking
version, better actor, you know.

Size each other up. You're jealous.

You're not jealous.

It was like watching, I don't know,
it was like in Raging Bull, you know,

when De Niro and... And the other...

I mean, I haven't
seen it but, you know,

you know what I'm talking about.

It was fucking exciting!

The theme of Knight Rider was
one man can make a difference.

You didn't make a difference,

you didn't make a difference,
you didn't make a difference!

Don't put this on me!

Here we go!
OK, on my signal, you are 80.

-80?
-On my signal, you're 80.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Feel it, feel it,
be with it, come on! Come on!

-And go!
-Oh! [grunts]

Oh, my... Oh, my God!

Go. Action!

I can't see you through the wrinkles.

[groans] This is your face.

-This is your face!
-This is my face?

Your back's gone.

-Your back's completely gone.
-Oh!

You're 90, your legs are gone!
You haven't any teeth.

[David] What is that? Oh, my God!
[Josh] Come on.

-Maybe you can't talk. OK. You are 90!
-[yells]

-I'm not 90. I'm not ready.
-You're disgusting.

-Ninety-five!
-You're senile!

My God!

[yelling]

Fuck, man! Get off me!
Get the... Get off me!

Ugh!

It's too much.

You completely over-acted.

-How did I do?
-You were fucking brilliant.

I think he had a breakdown.
It seemed like a breakdown.

[Max] I thought that went really well.
[David] I'll tell you what it was!

It was a fricking audition.

I had to audition
to play David Hasselhoff.

And you know what? I think
the other guy's going to get it.

It's all going to be fine.
I've spent a lot of time with directors.

They're a bunch of pricks.

But this prick, I can tell,
he really likes you.

Mate, listen, all right. Personally,

I would watch anything
that you are in, yeah?

Like, you've just got
such a lovely magnetic aura.

Look, the other day, all right,

I showed my missus
a picture of you, yeah?

Her rape alarm went off!

You are on some, like, Uri Geller-type,

weird, kind of like,
bender kind of shit.

I wouldn't... I wouldn't listen to
what's going on over there.

I don't even know who I am any more.

I mean, I'm not even
David Hasselhoff. I mean,

I can't even

audition and win the part
of David Hasselhoff

because I really don't know
who David Hasselhoff is any more.

[knocking on door]

[Harriet] When I took on the role
as David's assistant,

there were lots of things
I didn't realise I had to do.

One of which is just
physically waking him up.

He takes quite a few pills
to get him off to sleep.

So waking him up again
is not always easy.

-David. Oh, sorry, sorry.
-No!

Whoa! [gasps]

-Hi...
-Who are you?

I... I'm your assistant, Harriet.

Yes.

What year is it?

It's 2015.

Wow!

What a dream!

I was back in the '80s
at the MTV Awards.

Gary Coleman was there

and Huey Lewis and the News

and Dolph Lundgren.

We were all drinking Harvey Wallbangers.

It was such a happy time.

David, the '80s was 25 years ago.

Um, you are meant to be at the gym.

The '80s was 25 years ago?

Yes.

[Danny] Go and pick up that weight,
would you?

Freeze!
What is wrong with your buttocks?

Right, I am sorry, Dave, but
I am going to need the full name

of your last personal trainer.

That is a right fucking mess.

He's left you looking like
two melted speed bumps.

I am going to have to report him.

You know, I'll have you know that my ass
has been admired by women and men

from all over the world.

Women and men who have
a fetish for disgusting arses.

-I can believe that. Let's fix it.
-Wow!

I'm not allowed to talk about the
celebrities I've worked with but

I can say this, a lot of people
are called this but it might

not be the one you're thinking of,
but I've worked with Chris Martin.

He was married to Gwyneth Paltrow
for years and then he saw me.

Enough said!

Danny is forever bragging about
how he trains Geri Halliwell,

Chris Martin, but these are people
who are naturally thin anyway.

These people hardly eat.

You don't hear Danny
bragging about the fact

that he also trains Eamonn Holmes.

Danny has one of the unhealthiest
client lists in the business.

I know everything about you
just by how you stand.

See the way you lean to the left?
Do you know what that is?

Repressed sexuality. See the way
your wrist turns in a bit?

Distrust of women.

And the way this right boob

moves a little bit more downward,

that is a deep craving
for affection and connection.

That's weirdly correct.

Lie down, talk to me.

[sighs]

Something is up,
I can smell it on you. What is it?

Young guy trying to
muscle in on your territory?

There is some guy.

Right. Riddle me this.
You used to make Baywatch.

A lot of young guys coming up
the rear on that.

How did you deal with them?

Well, I was the executive producer,

if they were getting more airtime
than me,

I'd just fire them!

I like your style, David!

You just need to remember
who you are, right?

You've done Knight Rider,
you've done Baywatch,

you've done Britain's Got Talent.
We won't remember that one.

You are the king.
What I saw walk in here

was a man scared of his own destiny.

You know what I see now?
The man ready to take it.

You are the Hoff.
It's written on your chest

and it's written on your arm
in case you forget.

All right!

Don't Hassel the Hoff.

I was a little out-of-hand yesterday.
Today, I feel much better.

I'm gonna talk to the director
about playing me in the '80s

because I still think I've got it,

I still think I can be
Knight Rider Hoff.

That is the Hoff I know!

You know what? So what if this
director is unorthodox.

Young directors,
they tend to be a little bit crazy.

Paul Thomas Anderson,
I've heard that he has

miniature pigs running around the set.

All right! I got it, I got it!
He may be weird

but it's cool. I'm going to talk to
him and I know I can convince him.

Of course you can.
You are David bloody Hasselhoff.

[grunts]

That was intense.

I think I've got a semi!

When I read David's biography,
it said that he had a huge part to play

in bringing down the Berlin Wall
when he sang Looking for Freedom.

It wasn't in the school curriculum

but he assures me that that's fact.

[man] OK, Hoff on the Berlin Wall,
let's go for a run through.

♪ One morning in June, some 20 years ago

♪ I was born a rich man's son, son, son

♪ I had everything that money could buy

♪ But freedom I had none ♪

Is nothing sacred?

That's my song, Max.

-He is so good.
-Incredible!

♪ Go, go, go

♪ I've been looking for freedom ♪

In 1989, I sang that song on top of
the Berlin Wall to a million people.

It was their anthem,
it was part of the revolution,

it's part of my history,
that's my life, my song!

OK. I am going to go
find out what's going on.

♪ Looking for freedom

♪ Uh, uh... ♪

If Paul McCartney walked
into a room and saw 50 Cent

rapping Yesterday,
what do you think he'd do?

He'd run up on stage
and wrestle the mike from 50 Cent.

Do I fear for Paul McCartney
in that battle? Yes.

50 Cent would pop a cap in his arse.

-Should I stop him?
-No, no, keep it rolling,

I want to see what happens.

[grunts]

♪ I've been looking for freedom

♪ I've been looking so long

♪ I've been looking for freedom

♪ Still the search goes on ♪

I have seen some unprofessional
things on a film set in my life

but I have never seen an old man

gyrating about on stage like a pervert.

♪ I've been looking for freedom ♪

[Josh] It's kind of weird cos,
you know,

a chicken can still walk around

after it's had its head bitten off.

And that's what it was kind of like.

[feedback whining]

Cut!

Interesting.

Do I wish he hadn't done that?
Yes, I do.

Did that fuck us over?

Hugely.

Do I understand it?

Yes, because I have watched
documentaries about wild animals.

That was great.

Still got it.

-Where are we at?
-Well, I've re-thought the film.

-OK.
-Marcus Forster will play all the ages.

Forget about
the multiple character bullshit.

Basically, we don't need him.

This is his life story,
you can't film it without him.

Well, we can.

I think you'll find the contract
you signed off on

gives us full
artistic control without limits.

We have the rights to his life.

We can make this movie
with or without David Hasselhoff.

I... He would be
totally happy to play him

in his 70s, even his 80s.
I can persuade him.

No. Marcus Forster
will play all the ages.

OK,

totally get
where you are coming from.

But what if I was to
introduce a new idea?

What if I was to say, "Please"?

How does that change things?

-It doesn't change things.
-It doesn't?

It doesn't. But it...

But please is... It's the magic word.

I mean, everyone knows that.

I felt like I was being bullied

by one of my younger brother's friends.

-It's not that you've been fired.
-Of course I can't be fired, Max,

-it's my film.
-Exactly.

It's just that they're going to save
you for a more impactful appearance.

How many lines?

Lines? Uh...

-It's just going to be a photo.
-A photo?

Yeah, but it's going to be
hanging in a very heroic place,

it's going to be above
a mantelpiece on one of the shots.

I need to sort this
director out right now.

David, negotiations are in
a very sensitive place right now.

You're tired, exhausted.

Yeah? The camera's gonna be here.

Don't want to do too many takes.
I want to keep it fresh.

Yeah, so, Josh and I were
rehearsing the, uh...

The burger scene,

which is a re-enactment
of the now-famous moment

when David ate a cheeseburger,

topless on the floor, drunk.

I just want you to enjoy
destroying that burger.

Hey! What are you doing?

-You are not supposed to be here!
-Security!

Security, there is an intruder on set.

You know what,
let me tell you something, man.

I spend my whole life living
with the theme of Knight Rider.

One man can make a difference.
And I have made a difference.

I have made a difference in my life
and in millions of people's lives.

And one night, I had a bad night, right?

I had a hamburger and a bunch of beers.

And you know what else?
They tasted good.

It's a private moment in my life

and I'm going to do it again.

You know when? Tonight!

I'm going to have beers, burgers,
I'm going to take off my shirt

and I'm going to have a lie down.
And guess what else?

You can't film it

because it's a private moment,
it's my own life.

I was moved by that.

And then we fired him.

You can't fire me

because I quit.

-You are fired.
-No, I quit.

-No, you are fired.
-No, I quit.

-Fired.
-Quit!

Fired. He's fired.

-Quit!
-[softly] Fired.

-Tell him I quit.
-Fired.

-He quits.
-He is fired.

-Are you OK?
-You know what?

I feel great.

I feel invigorated for the first time
since I saved SpongeBob's life.

I feel terrific. I mean,
I stood up for myself. I mean,

it moved something in me when I sang

Looking for Freedom, on the Wall.

That was important to me, you know.

I'm glad I called that director a jerk,

I'm glad I shouted at him

and I'm glad I quit the film, I'm glad.

I feel terrific.
I stood up for David Hasselhoff.

You walked in there, yeah?
You told them you weren't happy.

You Jerry Maguired the whole situation.

Took the fish tank
and told them to fuck off!

Thank you, Terry.

What do you say we go to
a chicken place, I am buying, huh?

All right. Chicken Cottage it is, yeah?
Bucket family meal?

-Yeah! Bucket family meal.
-Yes. Let's get it in.

-Yes!
-Yeah!

-Me too.
-Right. Let's get greasy.

I'm actually off gluten right now,

so, um, do they have gluten-free?

-[David yells]
-Surprise!

-Oh!
-[chuckles]

Who are you?

Where did you get that jacket?

That's my jacket. I haven't seen
that jacket in 25 years.

-Where did you get that jacket?
-It still works.

How did you get in here?
I'm going to call security.

No, don't worry.

I see them. I just tell them my
name and they say, "Oh, go right up."

-What the hell is your name?
-It's Dieter.

Where did you get my jacket?

You gave it to my mother 25 years ago.

You know, the night
that the Berlin Wall fell

is the same night that I was conceived.

I am Dieter Hasselhoff.

-I am your son.
-What?

Oh!

-[laughs]
-Oh!

Oh.

What does the Hoff most remind you of?

Most common answer by far
was a leather sofa.

A leather sofa?

I am only doing this
because I need the money.

Are you wearing make-up?

[David Hasselhoff] I love
everything about women.

-Oh, wow!
-Almost everything.

So you used to actually live

-in the Hoff's nutsack?
-Mmm.

-Dude, I'm the Knight Rider.
-I'm not talking about something

where you have a homo-erotic
relationship with a satnav,

I'm talking proper action.

[Max] Twitter is going mental.

Ow!

"I can't believe Michael Knight
is talking like a sex pest."

God, that woman really was hot,
she's hot, isn't she?

I'm trending, what's wrong with that?

"David Hasselhoff is a bell-end."

Well, great! What's a bell-end?

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