All language subtitles for Inside.No.9.S06E01.720p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-TVLAMERS hi

This programme contains strong
language and some violent scenes

- Hello?

Hello?!
- FEMALE VOICE:
- Hello?!

- Oh.

There's an echo.

- HIGH HEELS TAP

- I've just arrived.

- I've just arrived. Hold on.

How did my echo get here before me?

- Arlo, turn around.

- Oh, Collie! It's you!

I got them things you wanted for the
sandwiches.

Do you mind if I make one now? I'm
absolutely Hank Marvin.

- No! You can wait until the others
get here.

What did you buy?

- Pulled pork, pressed tongue, and a
hot and spicy whip.

- That sounds disgusting!

- You said you wanted an S&M
selection.

- I said an M&S select...!

Never mind.

What are you doing? We're not in slow
motion any more.

- Oh. Sorry.

- The boss is here. He wants help
bringing the hardware in

from the car.
- Oh...

But I've just made meself a tea!
- Arlokino.

So, if you haven't already guessed,

it's a sort of cross between commedia
dell'arte

and a heist movie. I guess because
they both use masks.

Which is quite clever, in a way,

but still sounds like something a
drama teacher'd have a wank to.

But, hey, it's series six,

you've got to allow for a certain
artistic exhaustion.

- Columbina.

- Oh, God, here comes the subplot.

Just stick with me on these bits and
we'll get through them

as quickly as possible.
- Columbina, you've got to help me.

My daddy wants me to marry his friend,
the Captain,

who I've never even met.

But I have my heart set on another.

It's so unfair!
- Surely, Miss, your father has other
things

on his mind today. Like, 12 million
other things.

- Because the diamonds we're stealing
are worth £12 million?

- Yes. That's...

Yes.

So, he's not going to have time

to be thinking about marriage
proposals.

- No, that's exactly why he is!

If everything goes according to plan,

then the Captain'll be rich beyond his
wildest dreams.

Then my father will have no need to
provide a dowry for me.

He can keep all his own earnings to
himself.

- It's nearly finished.
- He's being driven by greed

and not by my own wishes of who I want
to marry.

- But, Madam, what can I do?

I am just a lowly housemaid in this
organisation.

- I've written a letter to my true
beloved, explaining my plight.

Please see that he gets it before the
end of the job today.

- You want me to give this letter to
the Doctor's...

- Yes! Yes, please. And not a word to
my father.

- I guess we're just pretending that
WhatsApps and emails don't exist.

Still, I'll give her letter to the
Doctor's son, Mario.

He's thick as shit, but fit as fuck!

- Columbina, stop Fleabaggin' and make
me a cup of splosh.

- Yes, Master. Right away.

And I wasn't Fleabagging, I was
Miranda-ing.

- AS MIRANDA HART:
- Such fun. Ooh!

- Careful with that, you clumsy
cumwad!

There's enough TNT in 'ere to blow
both your tiny

fucking brain cells out.

Now, did you bring the Glock like I
asked ya?

- No.

But I did wind my watch up this
morning, even though it's digital.

- No, your Glock, your pistol!

- Oh! You mean this?

- Don't point it at me.

- It's all right, safety's on.

- GUN FIRES, HE STARTS

- My bad.

- HE SNIFFS

ITALIAN ACCENT: My nose tells me this
is the place.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Il Capitano.

- I'm sorry that you're ill, but my
name's not Capitano, it's Hortensia.

- Ah, yes.

The Hor-tensia, daughter of my
esteemed friend Senor Pantalone.

But I'm sure you've heard of me by
reputation.

I am Scaramouche.

- Scaramouche?
- Will you do the...
- BLEEP

- What happened there?
- We couldn't afford the copyright.

- Oh. That's a shame.

- You're the man that my father wants
me to marry?!

- Un-a-til a-now I had been a-deaf to
your beauty

and blind to-a your voice, dumb to
your scent

and mute to-a your caress.

I hope to wrong that a-right over the
course of this segment.

- So, what's your role in this job,
Captain? Surveillance? Security?

- I am international authority on
booming.

- Booming?
- Si, si.

Because of my booming skills, I can
a-smash my way in anywhere.

- Will you excuse me? I just need the
bathroom.

- SHE VOMITS

Ah, she is sick with love.

Hortensia, Hortensia, don't a-leave me
on the fence-ia!

My feelings don't a-make sense-ia.

I hope it's not dementia.

- Oi, Scaramouche.
- Ah, Senor Pantalone.

- Some gelignite here for you to take
a look at.

- I have already eaten, but I thank
you.

- No, it's fucking dynamite!

- Maybe a small bowl, then.

- Right, the Doctor's going to be here
any minute.
- How do you know?

- Because I accidentally turned over
two pages of the script at once.

Look, if you do me a favour, I'll let
you have a sandwich.

- What flavour?
- What flavour favour?

- What flavour sandwich?
- Whatever you want.

- Oh... I'd like a lovely slice of
ham.

- Lean?

- I'd like a lovely slice of ham.

- I bet you're loving this on the
Cook'd and Bomb'd forum, aren't you?

Look, just give this love letter to
the Doctor's son, Mario.

He'll know who it's from. Understand?

- The scholar says, "Plethora," and
the widow says,

"Thanks, that means a lot."

- And now he's just turned over two
pages at once.

- It would appear this is the place,
Mario.

Somewhat insalubrious, yet suitably
clandestine.

The very sine qua non of a gangster's
hideaway, n'est-ce pas?

- It's a shithole.

- Indeed.

And, yet, its crepuscular corners will
allow us

to dupe the old man and his cronies
with our pseudo sparklers.

You have them still?

- Oh, you mean the fake diamonds?
- Yes, yes! Lower your voice!

LOWER:
- You mean the fake diamonds?
- Mario!

- Yes, I've shoved them down the front
of my trousers.
- Good.

It's important to have a little
circumspection.

- I think I might if I bend over too
quickly.

- When the time is right, we will
switch the bona fide jewels

with the paste ones and no-one will be
any the wiser. Capiche?

- Whatever you say, Pops. As long as
no-one gets hurt.

You know you can't stand the sight of
blood.
- Ah, yes. Well ceded.

Arlokino! You made me a ham sandwich.
How kind.

- Ah...

- Mm! Do we have a quorum?

I speak a little Latin, you know.

- Oh, that reminds me - a scholar goes
to a funeral

and asks the widow...
- No, no, no, no.

You've done this bit already. Excuse
me.

- Oh...

I have something for you, too, Master
Mario.

It's from the subplot, so it might not
be that important.

- Oh, cool.

- It's an epistle from a secret
admirer.

Apparently you'll know who it's from.

- I think I do.

Thanks, Arlo.

- All right. Gentlemen, ladies, gather
round.

Grab yourselves a seat. We need to get
on with the briefing.

- HE CHUCKLES

LOUD CRASH, GLASS SMASHES

LEATHER CREAKS

- Please.

Continue.

- Right. Now, you all know your roles,
but, for the benefit of them

who are watching on BBC Two, I'm going
to go through it again.

- And iPlayer.
- What?

- Some people could be watching on
iPlayer.

- All right. For them what are
watching on any BBC platform...

- Or in other countries, doesn't have
to be BBC.

They have it in Spain, don't they?
- Oh, yeah. Spain, Australia.

It's very big in China, apparently.
- All right, for fuck's sake!

Wherever people are watching it, we
need to do a recap!

Now, the van with the diamonds leaves
Hatton Garden roundabout

at 3pm precisely...

..and heads down Greville Street
towards Farringdon.

Mario, Scaramouche, you pull the
barrier across

just west of Saffron Hill.

Er, you're aware of the CCTV...

- Si, si. TV.

- Now, you understand where it extends
to.

- It extends into the kitchen, but the
reception is not-a so good.

- Oh Jesus! Mario, you know about the
CCTV, don't ya?

- Sure.
- Good.

- It's like CBeebies, but slightly
more complicated programmes.

- What?
- I'm not sure the Chinese are going
to get that reference.

You need to say something like...

THEY ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER

- It's pretty universal...
- Shut the fuck up the lot of ya!

I will not stand here and be made to
look like a prick!

- ARLO LAUGHS

- You think I'm joking?

- Boss!

Can I suggest we do a montage?

- Yes.

Yes. Thank you, Columbina.

Finally, someone talking sense.

You can do the voiceover.

- At 3:02, the van, driven by a single
security guard,

parks up outside Mugshots Coffee shop.

The guard gets out as usual to order a
flat white.

- COFFEE MACHINE HISSES

- Hortensia is behind him in the queue

and bumps into the guard, creating a
distraction.

So I can swap his coffee...

..for the drugged one.

Meanwhile, Mario and the Captain have
closed the road

for an electrical repair, keeping the
area free of traffic.

Arlo distracts the driver...

..while Scaramouche applies the
explosives to the top of the van.

- CLUNK, BEEP

- The guard takes his first sip of
coffee while we get into position.

Then, five seconds later...

- LOUD EXPLOSION

- You were only supposed to blow the
bloody doors off!

Sorry, I've always wanted to say that.
Carry on.

- Pantalone grabs the keys from the
drowsy guard

and takes the briefcase with the
diamonds from the van.

Mario and Scaramouche head down the
manhole into the sewers.

I pick up the boss in the getaway car.

We all meet back here at 6pm and share
the spoils.

- TYRES SCREECH

- See? Piece of piss. Anything from
the subplot?

- No. I think we're all good on that
front, Daddy.

- Yeah, all good.

- Bene, good.

- Right, you've got 20 minutes to get
your shit together.

- Erm, boss, is it all right if I make
a sandwich first?

- No! Fuck off! Should've eaten before
we got here.

- Are you ready for the twist?

There's a good one.

Guv, it's Detective Sergeant Janus.

We're just about to leave the
hideaway.

Put all units on standby.

No, I don't think they suspect a
thing.

- ARLO SCREAMS

- Let's get him sat down.

Did anyone see where the boss went?
- I assume he's with Hortensia.

Why didn't you wait for 'em?
- I panic!

There were polices everywhere! I get
you a drink.

- No, no! Make me a cheese sandwich.
- Caerphilly?

- Yeah, use a blunt knife. Go!

- Come on.

- Argh, argh!

- Oh, fuck. What happened?

- It was an ambush. They knew we were
coming.

We must have a rat in the group.

- Bob Geldof?
- No.

I mean somebody from the police.

- Gordon Sumner?
- Who?

- Roger Daltrey?
- No, they blew our cover.

A double crosser. Argh! What you
doing?!

- Taking your shoe off. You've been
shot.
- No!

I need a sandwich first. I'm famished!

Scaramouche, Scaramouche!
- # Will you do the... #

- No!
- What?
- We're not allowed.
- Oh, sorry.

- Where's that sandwich?!

- There is no cheese!

I can offer you a beef a-rap.
- Yeah, go on.

RAPPING:
- # Yo, yo, I come from a cow

# I got lots of prize for my
bolognese! #

- HE SOBS

- I'll give him a hand.
- Argh!

- Listen, I got your letter.

I want you to know I feel exactly the
same way.
- You do?

- I do, yes. The uniform, the
moustache.

Always dreamed of having a daddy like
you.
- You have?

- Look, I've got something down here
that means that you and I,

we could run off together.
- Ah, he must mean the explosives.

Mario, I will a-use your bomb, but
only when the time is right.

When Senor Pantalone gets here, then
we will blow.

- You mean a three-way?
- Si, si.

The passage will be tight, but I think
we can manage it.

- Good God, I'm so hard right now!

- We could do with more a-men like
a-him in the military.

- Pops!

- Oh, Mario. Deo gratias.

Are you unharmed?
- I'm fine. Not a scratch on me.

What happened to you?
- We managed to grab the diamonds

before the shooting started and made a
run for it. How's Arlo?

- Not good. Pops, you'd better have a
look at him.

- All right. But I don't have all my
kit with me

and you know I'm not good with the
sight of bloo...

- Bit of a drawback for a doctor.

- Sorry.

- How are you feeling?

- Hungry.
- Oh...

You're always hungry.

How's your foot?

- Well, the first little piggy's still
at the market,

but I think all the other little
piggy's have pissed off.

I'm not going to get that trial for
Crystal Palace now, am I?

- I'm sure Millwall would take you.

What happened?

- It's a blur.

I was doing my distracting.

The guard comes back with his coffee,
and, suddenly, I turn around

and there's two dozen coppers behind
me.

I think I shot myself in the foot.

- I'm sure it wasn't your fault.

- No, I mean, I literally shot myself
in the foot.

I didn't realise the safety was off.

I'm such an idiot!

I'm scared, Collie!
- You'll live.

- How do you know?

- Because I turned over two pages of
the script at once.

- Ah, thank you.

I'm fine now.

Mario, the gems are in here,

but the servant girl has the key in
her bumbag.

You'll need to extricate it from her
post-haste to facilitate

the substitution.
- How am I supposed to do that?

- Well, flirt with her a little.
Vanquish her with your virility.

Then see if you can force your fingers
into her fanny pack.
- Eurgh!

- Quickly! We need this money, Mario.

Tempus fugit!

- How is the pat-it-ient?

- Sorry?
- Young Arlokino, he has a very bad
injury.

- Oh, er, I haven't examined him yet.

To be honest, Captain, I'm a little
haemophobic.

- Oh, do not worry. I do not think he
is a Queen Mary.

Erm, I'm making a sandwich, would you
like a-one?

Oh, dear.

- ARLO WHIMPERS

- It's OK, it's OK.

- Argh...
- It's OK.

- Did you see the Master and
Hortensia?

- No. I was inside the van.

I heard him, though.
- He thinks we were betrayed.

Someone ratted us out.

- Does he know who?
- No.

He said Hortensia had been acting all
weird recently.

Very secretive.

- That's because she doesn't want to
marry Scaramouche.

She's planning on running away with...

- Hey, babe.

Would you have an inhaler? Because you
are just taking my breath...

- Yeah.

I've got one in here.

Just put it back when you're finished.
I'll leave the zip open.

- Thanks.

- It's OK.

- That was easy.

Baby, what're you doing to my Pops?

- I'm trying to make him come to.

- You're going about it in a very
funny way.

Go find the smelling salts. They're in
his bag.

- HE SCREAMS

HE HOWLS

HE HOWLS

- What happened?

- She's gone - forever.

- Are you sure?
- I know when one is dead, and when
one lives!
- Lear.

- It's true.

That spineless shit Scaramouche left
us right there

in the middle of the fucking feds!

We were like sitting ducks.

Where is he?

I'll slice the nose right off his
craven face!

Where is he?!
- He went to get some smelling salts
for my Pops.

- Jesus, what a shitshow.

Columbina, come here.

You're the only one I trust.

You tell me.

Who's the snake here, eh?

Eh? Who?

Who tipped off the Old Bill?

- I dunno, er...

Maybe it was, erm...

- SHE CHOKES

- You're with me now.

- Boss, what did you do that for?

- She's an undercover copper.

She's wearing a wire.

Check it out if you don't believe me.
- How did you know?

- Hortensia saw her fiddling with it
in the bogs.

I should've known she was too good to
be true.

- No, not...not Collie. I...I don't
believe it.

- Yeah. By my estimates, we have less
than five minutes

before the Filth get here.

Where's that coward?

Scaramouche? Scaramouche!

- SCARAMOUCHE:
- # Will you do the... #

Oh, shit!

- See what you've done? To your own
intended?

- Hortensia...

Oh...

Oh, my Hortensia!

I wished to woo you, but now my woo
has turned to woe.

I beg that I could a-take your place
up in heaven!

- That can be arranged.

- Baby, why are you talking like this?

I thought you had eyes only for me.
- For you? What you on about?

- He wrote me a letter. The subplot.
Arlokino gave it to me.

- This is my daughter's hand.

- No, that is a letter. This is your
daughter's hand!

- She was going to elope with a
blockhead like you?!

- What are you talking about? I barely
knew her.

- You two a-timing floozy! Take
a-that!

- It wasn't him!

It was me.

Horsey and I have been having an
affair for several months.

It was an amour fou.

It started on that business trip we
took to Italy.

- Genoa?

- Yes, since she was a little girl.

We flew back together to the United
States.

- Chicago?
- No, she was a passenger.

And, when we landed at the airport, I
can't remember which one...

- Alaska?

- There's no point now. She's dead.

We hatched this plan to steal the
diamonds from you

and run away together to the
Caribbean.

- Trinidad and Tobago?

- Yes.

But now it seems it was all for
nought.

We have been caught in flagrante
delicto,

and my beloved is dead.

Mea culpa, gentle one.

- Well, maybe we can get back to the A
plot now we've had this

little diversion. I need you to hand
over that case.

- No, Pantalone.

I won't do it.
- Pops...

- These diamonds are all my son and I
have.

They will ensure our safe passage out
of here.

Quid pro quo, et cetera.

- I...I won't waste you here, Doc.

I'll not shit on my own doorstep, but
I need you to hand me

the fucking ice!
- It's fine.

Do it.
- Nil desperandum, Mario.

I can handle the negotiation.

- This is not a negotiation.

- Stop.

You lay a finger on him and I'll
carpet the floor with your brains.

- It's a good thing we're not using
your brains.

There'd be barely enough for a fucking
doormat.

Scaramouche!

Tame this little bitch of yours, will
ya?
- Please.

Your family jewels belong in Senor
Pantalone's hands,

not in your Papa's.

Let us not come to blows.

- Oh, Captain, my Captain.

I've dreamed of having your weapon in
my face,

but not like this.

- Et tu, Scaramouche.

Very well.

Aut neca aut necare.

Do or die.

- Give me the case!

- Give it to him, Pops.
- Are you sure?

- Yes, let him have it!

SHOTS FIRE

- Well, Arlo, this looks like
arrivederci.

- ARLO SOBS

- I would take you with me,

but, as you can see, got me hands
full.

There's a boat out the back if you
want to take your chance

on the river. I've got an appointment
with my fence.

- Boss, can you do me a favour before
you go?

- What's that?

- Can you make me a sandwich? I'm
starved!

- Yeah, here y'are.

Help yourself.

Ta-ta!

- DOOR CLOSES

- Come on. Get up, he's gone!

Come on! Collie!

Come on, girl!

You read the script.

Well, none of this has been real, has
it?

Argh, argh...

After all that,

there's nothing left.

Just a hot and spicy whip

and a bag of clear mints.

Well, fuck my old boots!

I am going to be able to feed myself
after all.

Are you coming, Echo?

- I thought you'd never ask!