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1
00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,586
Troops, we're running low
on fresh water,
2
00:00:08,719 --> 00:00:10,939
so I must speak against
this ridiculous new trend
3
00:00:11,073 --> 00:00:12,553
of handwashing.
4
00:00:12,686 --> 00:00:15,036
Sir, I heard that handwashing
prevents dysentery.
5
00:00:15,169 --> 00:00:18,521
Oh, I'm sorry, Collins,
are you a physician or a barber?
6
00:00:18,655 --> 00:00:20,570
[laughter]I didn't think so.
7
00:00:22,055 --> 00:00:25,362
Now, time for
my newest invention.
8
00:00:25,497 --> 00:00:27,760
One that shall surely turn
the tide in this conflict.
9
00:00:31,206 --> 00:00:34,383
A musket with a spy glass
attached. I'm calling it...
10
00:00:34,518 --> 00:00:36,520
the "Eyesaac."
11
00:00:36,653 --> 00:00:38,393
So just your name?Right.
12
00:00:38,527 --> 00:00:39,963
But instead of the letter "I,"
13
00:00:40,095 --> 00:00:41,400
I'm spelling it
with the word "eye"--
14
00:00:41,534 --> 00:00:45,233
E-Y-E-- at the front.
15
00:00:45,368 --> 00:00:48,850
Point is, close combat will
soon be a thing of the past,
16
00:00:48,985 --> 00:00:50,987
because the Eyesaac,
E-Y-E,
17
00:00:51,121 --> 00:00:54,559
allows for accurate targeting
of up to--
18
00:00:54,694 --> 00:00:56,347
and I kid you not--
50 yards.
19
00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,569
[applause][smug chuckle]
20
00:01:00,009 --> 00:01:02,882
Glory be, I've got eyes
on a British officer.
21
00:01:03,017 --> 00:01:05,890
Now, of course it would be
dishonorable to engage
22
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,983
while, you know,
he's unarmed.
23
00:01:08,115 --> 00:01:10,335
Quite a striking fellow.
24
00:01:10,468 --> 00:01:12,166
He's fit of body,
25
00:01:12,299 --> 00:01:14,562
well-groomed,
26
00:01:14,695 --> 00:01:16,654
ready for action.
[chuckles]
27
00:01:18,138 --> 00:01:18,835
[clears throat]
28
00:01:21,144 --> 00:01:23,451
Right.
29
00:01:23,585 --> 00:01:26,371
Well, lots of war stuff to do.
30
00:01:26,504 --> 00:01:28,419
Battle is nigh.
And remember,
31
00:01:28,553 --> 00:01:31,077
do not shoot them until
32
00:01:31,211 --> 00:01:33,300
you see the green of his eyes.
33
00:01:33,433 --> 00:01:35,044
Theireyes.
34
00:01:35,177 --> 00:01:36,831
Till you see the green
of their eyes.
35
00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:38,443
I actually didn't notice
if he had green eyes.
36
00:01:38,575 --> 00:01:40,533
Theyhad green eyes.
37
00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:42,887
♪
38
00:01:47,857 --> 00:01:49,816
Oh, I gotta find a way out
of this crypt.
39
00:01:49,949 --> 00:01:51,342
I'm not getting eaten
by a purple worm.
40
00:01:51,474 --> 00:01:52,693
Eaten by a worm?
41
00:01:52,826 --> 00:01:54,001
This game seems
stressful.
42
00:01:54,133 --> 00:01:55,656
This is what Jay
does to relax?
43
00:01:55,788 --> 00:01:57,268
Dungeons & Dragons isn't
about relaxation,
44
00:01:57,401 --> 00:01:58,663
it's about adventure.
45
00:01:58,796 --> 00:02:00,102
Yeah. Nothing says adventure
like eating
46
00:02:00,233 --> 00:02:02,453
a family-size bag of
chips by yourself.
47
00:02:02,586 --> 00:02:05,633
Okay, Jay, you're gonna have
to make a decision. Do you...
48
00:02:05,769 --> 00:02:06,944
Oh, come on. Not again.
49
00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:12,474
I'm sorry, guys, my Internet
cut out again.Yeah, we know.
50
00:02:12,609 --> 00:02:14,655
It's happened, like,
20 times already.
51
00:02:14,788 --> 00:02:16,572
Yeah, well, what do you expect?
It's rural Internet.
52
00:02:16,705 --> 00:02:18,142
You guys get it.
You're from Queens.
53
00:02:18,274 --> 00:02:19,580
That's practically
the country.
54
00:02:19,712 --> 00:02:21,149
Jay, we moved downtown,
by Brett and Shayla.
55
00:02:21,281 --> 00:02:22,500
You did? Wait.
56
00:02:22,632 --> 00:02:23,416
Who's Brett and Shayla?
57
00:02:23,547 --> 00:02:24,853
NEAL:
You haven't met Brett yet? Okay.
58
00:02:24,986 --> 00:02:27,118
He is hilarious.
He fits right in.
59
00:02:27,252 --> 00:02:29,036
We met him at a pub quiz.
60
00:02:29,169 --> 00:02:30,910
[groans]Oh...
61
00:02:31,042 --> 00:02:33,218
I'm confused. Is this
part of the game?
62
00:02:33,352 --> 00:02:34,919
Unfortunately, I think
the only game being played here
63
00:02:35,052 --> 00:02:36,010
is an adult man
64
00:02:36,141 --> 00:02:38,187
trying to maintain
long-distance friendships.
65
00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:40,322
I don't get it. Couldn't...
a hotspot or something?
66
00:02:40,455 --> 00:02:42,196
Oh, great, you're back.
Hey, can you hear me?
67
00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:44,766
Do we just ask Brett
to take Jay's spot?
68
00:02:44,900 --> 00:02:46,119
What? Brett can't have my spot.
No way.
69
00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:47,599
What are you thinking, should we
just kill Jay's character?
70
00:02:47,733 --> 00:02:48,603
No, guys,
71
00:02:48,734 --> 00:02:50,692
I can hear you.
72
00:02:50,826 --> 00:02:53,307
I'm sad to lose Jay.
But Brett? Hello?
73
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:54,572
I hate Brett.
74
00:02:54,705 --> 00:02:55,924
Wow. Hard to imagine
75
00:02:56,056 --> 00:02:57,753
feeling this betrayed
by friends.
76
00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,931
Didn't your best friend sleep
with your wife?
77
00:03:00,065 --> 00:03:03,155
Yes, Sasappis. Thank you
for that helpful example.
78
00:03:03,289 --> 00:03:05,204
So you want me to just take down
the whole shed?
79
00:03:05,338 --> 00:03:07,079
Yeah, it's kind of an eyesore.
80
00:03:09,086 --> 00:03:09,956
Oh.
81
00:03:11,308 --> 00:03:15,095
What on earth is
the meaning of this?
82
00:03:17,321 --> 00:03:18,714
Oh, yeah, this place
will come down real easy.
83
00:03:18,846 --> 00:03:20,283
NIGEL:
Come down?
84
00:03:20,416 --> 00:03:21,809
I'll have you know
these barracks
85
00:03:21,941 --> 00:03:23,464
are the sovereign territory
of his Royal Highness
86
00:03:23,596 --> 00:03:25,033
King George III.
87
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,212
And look at this one.
88
00:03:27,344 --> 00:03:28,476
Gawking.Sorry.
89
00:03:29,261 --> 00:03:30,523
Mark.
90
00:03:30,656 --> 00:03:32,005
Sorry, Mark.
91
00:03:32,138 --> 00:03:34,183
Uh, just leave the shed.
92
00:03:34,316 --> 00:03:35,578
I have a meeting.
93
00:03:35,711 --> 00:03:37,670
We'll talk later.
94
00:03:37,802 --> 00:03:39,456
She can see us.Remarkable.
95
00:03:39,589 --> 00:03:41,112
Indeed.
96
00:03:41,245 --> 00:03:43,812
Hey. Uh, did you guys know
there's three British soldiers
97
00:03:43,947 --> 00:03:46,602
from the Revolutionary War
living in our garden shed?
98
00:03:46,735 --> 00:03:47,606
Don't worry about them.
99
00:03:47,738 --> 00:03:48,826
They mostly stick
to themselves.
100
00:03:48,958 --> 00:03:50,568
PETE:
They come up to the main house
101
00:03:50,702 --> 00:03:52,747
once every year or so with
some dispute or complaint.
102
00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:55,013
They've never gotten
over losing the war.
103
00:03:55,146 --> 00:03:57,366
Well, those limeys can wipe
their eyes with crumpets.
104
00:03:57,499 --> 00:04:00,111
'Cause this land is,
and has always been, American.
105
00:04:00,245 --> 00:04:01,551
Said the guy from Massapequa.
106
00:04:01,683 --> 00:04:03,729
PETE: Ever since the war,
the agreement's been
107
00:04:03,861 --> 00:04:05,733
the Americans get the house,
the Brits get the shed.
108
00:04:05,865 --> 00:04:06,431
JAY:
No, no,
109
00:04:06,564 --> 00:04:07,739
no, no.
110
00:04:07,870 --> 00:04:09,959
Oh, no. What is it, Jay?
111
00:04:10,093 --> 00:04:11,747
Hitch died.
112
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:13,621
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
113
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,625
That's awful. He was a...
114
00:04:15,758 --> 00:04:17,325
really...
115
00:04:17,457 --> 00:04:18,589
You have no idea
who Hitch is, do you?
116
00:04:18,721 --> 00:04:20,897
I do not.He was my D&D character.
117
00:04:21,031 --> 00:04:22,119
SAMANTHA:
Oh. No, not to be insensitive,
118
00:04:22,252 --> 00:04:24,689
it's just, doesn't he exist
entirely in your head?
119
00:04:24,822 --> 00:04:26,259
What is it, Pete?
120
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:29,307
I-I just wanted to say, as
a long-time adventurer myself,
121
00:04:29,442 --> 00:04:32,271
the bond between D&D creator
and character
122
00:04:32,404 --> 00:04:33,797
can be very real.
123
00:04:33,930 --> 00:04:35,671
I know I shed a few tears
when I lost Gelvin Monkspear
124
00:04:35,804 --> 00:04:37,153
to the demogorgon.
125
00:04:37,285 --> 00:04:39,461
Pete's saying he can relate,
'cause he got upset
126
00:04:39,594 --> 00:04:41,683
about losing some character
to a demidragon.Demogorgon.
127
00:04:41,817 --> 00:04:42,687
Demogorgon?
128
00:04:42,820 --> 00:04:44,648
Pete plays D&D?
129
00:04:44,780 --> 00:04:46,739
Heck yeah. It was
really popular in the '80s.
130
00:04:46,872 --> 00:04:49,440
Hey, maybe Jay and I
could play together.
131
00:04:49,574 --> 00:04:51,358
Oh, that's really sweet-- Pete
wishes he could play with you.
132
00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:54,059
Whoa, we totally could
do that. Hey, Pete,
133
00:04:54,193 --> 00:04:56,804
Pete, listen, you pick
a character and I'll DM,
134
00:04:56,938 --> 00:04:59,767
and then Sam... Sam,
all you have to do
135
00:04:59,902 --> 00:05:01,077
is translate,
like you're doing right now.
136
00:05:01,209 --> 00:05:02,950
I love this idea!Oh, no, no, no.
137
00:05:03,082 --> 00:05:04,606
I mean, I love you,
obviously,
138
00:05:04,739 --> 00:05:05,827
but fantasy role-playing games
139
00:05:05,959 --> 00:05:07,787
are at the far end
of that affection.
140
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:09,792
Yeah. Okay, cool.
141
00:05:09,924 --> 00:05:11,970
All my best friends
just broke up with me,
142
00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:13,670
but, uh, I can see
143
00:05:13,803 --> 00:05:17,241
that playing a game is...
is too big of an ask.
144
00:05:18,291 --> 00:05:19,379
Okay, we can play tonight.
145
00:05:19,512 --> 00:05:21,688
Yes! Oh!
[laughs]
146
00:05:21,821 --> 00:05:23,257
Pete, saddle up, baby!
147
00:05:23,390 --> 00:05:25,174
Oh, no.Whoo! [laughs]
148
00:05:25,307 --> 00:05:27,831
Tonight we ride!Rrroo!
149
00:05:27,965 --> 00:05:29,706
NIGEL:
We demand parley
150
00:05:29,839 --> 00:05:31,319
at once!
151
00:05:31,452 --> 00:05:32,671
Ugh, these fools.
152
00:05:32,802 --> 00:05:34,804
Oh, boy.
What's going on here? Aah!
153
00:05:34,938 --> 00:05:35,721
She cansee us.
154
00:05:35,854 --> 00:05:37,812
My God,
155
00:05:37,944 --> 00:05:40,076
what foul deal with the devil
hath provoked such a power?
156
00:05:40,210 --> 00:05:42,081
She fell down the stairs,
and when she woke up
157
00:05:42,215 --> 00:05:44,086
she could talk to
ghosts and animals.
158
00:05:44,220 --> 00:05:46,701
Uh, no. I'm not sure
where she got the animals thing.
159
00:05:46,834 --> 00:05:47,879
But I'm Samantha. Hi.
160
00:05:48,011 --> 00:05:49,404
Lieutenant-Colonel
Nigel Chessum.
161
00:05:49,536 --> 00:05:52,495
I've come to discuss
the unprovoked attack
162
00:05:52,630 --> 00:05:54,066
on our land.
SASAPPIS: I don't know
163
00:05:54,198 --> 00:05:55,374
if I'd say
this is your land.
164
00:05:55,506 --> 00:05:56,594
Yeah, give 'em hell, Sass!
165
00:05:56,726 --> 00:05:57,814
USA!
166
00:05:57,946 --> 00:05:59,861
USA!
Are you talking about the door?
167
00:05:59,995 --> 00:06:03,172
This is about dignity
and decorum and...
168
00:06:03,307 --> 00:06:04,873
Yes, the door.
169
00:06:05,006 --> 00:06:06,703
We want it put back, and we
won't accept anything less.
170
00:06:06,836 --> 00:06:09,012
JAY:
Sam?
171
00:06:09,145 --> 00:06:12,148
Have you seen
my yellow Decepticons shirt?
172
00:06:12,284 --> 00:06:13,416
Oh, I think it's in the dryer.
173
00:06:13,547 --> 00:06:14,853
Uh-uh, I checked.
174
00:06:14,985 --> 00:06:16,030
I'll come help you in a sec.
I'm just dealing
175
00:06:16,161 --> 00:06:18,120
with some British ghosts
from the Revolutionary War.
176
00:06:18,253 --> 00:06:19,516
Okay. I'll check the hamper.
177
00:06:20,563 --> 00:06:22,696
Sorry, you were saying?
178
00:06:22,829 --> 00:06:25,441
Our barracks.
This affront shall not go un...
179
00:06:25,574 --> 00:06:26,836
Oh, fine, I'll-I'll do it.
180
00:06:26,969 --> 00:06:27,970
Pardon?
181
00:06:28,101 --> 00:06:29,581
I'll tell the contractor
182
00:06:29,715 --> 00:06:30,803
to put the door back on.
Anything else?
183
00:06:30,934 --> 00:06:34,416
Oh. Um, I...
184
00:06:34,552 --> 00:06:37,729
had sort of a lengthy diatribe
planned, but, uh, splendid.
185
00:06:37,863 --> 00:06:38,734
JENKINS:Well,
186
00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:39,779
shall we get out of here, sir?
187
00:06:39,911 --> 00:06:41,608
Oh, yes.
188
00:06:41,742 --> 00:06:43,874
I suppose there's
no reason to linger.
189
00:06:44,008 --> 00:06:45,923
No other reason I can think of.
190
00:06:46,056 --> 00:06:48,145
ISAAC:
Sam, I believe that shirt that Jay's looking for
191
00:06:48,278 --> 00:06:50,585
is in the hallway closet
upstairs...
192
00:06:53,203 --> 00:06:54,857
Lieutenant-Colonel Chessum.
193
00:06:54,988 --> 00:06:57,034
Captain Higgintoot.
194
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,256
What, um...
what fortune prompts
195
00:06:59,390 --> 00:07:01,566
such an unexpec... pected visit?
196
00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:04,877
A... trivial matter,
now concluded.
197
00:07:05,011 --> 00:07:06,535
Hmm.I...
198
00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:08,364
do hope my presence,
though unexpected,
199
00:07:08,498 --> 00:07:10,413
is not entirely unpleasant.
200
00:07:10,547 --> 00:07:12,723
Oh, no, I think it's fair to say
201
00:07:12,856 --> 00:07:15,555
that your presence is the
furthest thing from unpleasant.
202
00:07:15,688 --> 00:07:17,081
Okay, am I nuts,
or is there, like,
203
00:07:17,212 --> 00:07:18,866
crazy chemistry
between these two?
204
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,871
This has been going
on for centuries.
205
00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:23,486
Every year they find some reason
to "redraw the border"
206
00:07:23,619 --> 00:07:25,229
or "extend the truce,"
and neither one of them
207
00:07:25,362 --> 00:07:27,103
ever makes a move.Mm.
208
00:07:27,236 --> 00:07:28,411
NIGEL:Well, I,
uh, suppose
209
00:07:28,543 --> 00:07:30,589
I shall bid you adieu.
210
00:07:30,722 --> 00:07:33,420
Yes, yes,
and I shall bid adieu to you.
211
00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:34,468
[laughs]:
Oh.
212
00:07:34,601 --> 00:07:35,993
What a droll little rhyme.
213
00:07:36,125 --> 00:07:37,300
Oh!
214
00:07:37,433 --> 00:07:39,261
[Isaac laughing]
215
00:07:39,394 --> 00:07:40,874
NIGEL:
Splendid.
216
00:07:41,006 --> 00:07:42,573
Well...
[clears throat]
217
00:07:42,706 --> 00:07:45,839
I guess I'm not going
to fife myself out, am I?
218
00:07:45,974 --> 00:07:47,149
[chuckles]:
Oh, no.
219
00:07:47,281 --> 00:07:48,631
[clears throat]
Baxter?
220
00:07:49,939 --> 00:07:50,853
♪
221
00:07:56,259 --> 00:07:58,566
[sighs]
222
00:07:58,699 --> 00:08:01,267
Well, back to the closet.What?
223
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:02,837
To look for Jay's shirt.
224
00:08:02,968 --> 00:08:05,492
Right.
225
00:08:05,627 --> 00:08:08,543
JAY:
You cross the icy river
226
00:08:08,678 --> 00:08:12,464
only to find what nightmares
lurk on the other side.
227
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,514
From forth
the darkness of the cave
228
00:08:14,647 --> 00:08:17,824
emerges an abominable yeti!
229
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,352
Ha-ha-ha!
230
00:08:19,485 --> 00:08:21,095
Oh, not good.
231
00:08:21,228 --> 00:08:22,751
We probably should have
taken the mountain pass.
232
00:08:22,884 --> 00:08:25,147
Pete says they should have
taken the mountain pass.Yeah.
233
00:08:25,281 --> 00:08:27,588
That's what we get for accepting
a map from a Frost Giant.
234
00:08:27,722 --> 00:08:29,767
Sass is second-guessing
the Frost Giant.
235
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,423
Well, I'm not messing
with a yeti.
236
00:08:31,555 --> 00:08:32,644
I'm getting back
in the boat.
237
00:08:32,776 --> 00:08:34,212
And Alberta wants
to get back in the boat.
238
00:08:34,344 --> 00:08:35,998
Ooh, unfortunately,
239
00:08:36,131 --> 00:08:37,393
you turn
around to see
240
00:08:37,526 --> 00:08:38,962
that the boat has sunk
241
00:08:39,094 --> 00:08:40,225
into the icy river.
242
00:08:40,358 --> 00:08:42,186
Oh.Escape...
243
00:08:42,319 --> 00:08:44,104
is no longer an option.
244
00:08:44,236 --> 00:08:47,022
Well, then combat it is.
245
00:08:47,156 --> 00:08:49,506
Sam, please tell Jay
that Gelvin Monkspear II
246
00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:51,642
has unsheathed his sword.
247
00:08:53,518 --> 00:08:56,565
SASAPPIS:
Sam? A little focus? We're about to be devoured
248
00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:57,875
by a ferocious beast over here.
249
00:08:58,007 --> 00:08:59,922
Right. Sorry, it's just,
it's been a few hours.
250
00:09:00,055 --> 00:09:01,796
So is the game
almost done?
251
00:09:01,929 --> 00:09:04,976
Well, I mean, this particular
session could be close to done.
252
00:09:05,110 --> 00:09:05,894
[chuckles]:
This session?
253
00:09:06,024 --> 00:09:07,809
What do you mean?
Doesn't somebody win
254
00:09:07,942 --> 00:09:09,248
and then, like,
we're done?
255
00:09:09,991 --> 00:09:10,992
[laughs]:
No.
256
00:09:11,124 --> 00:09:12,560
This isn't Candy Land, Sam.
257
00:09:12,692 --> 00:09:13,606
JAY:
Dungeons & Dragons
258
00:09:13,739 --> 00:09:15,871
is not a game that just ends
in one night.
259
00:09:16,005 --> 00:09:18,181
Every campaign is
a multi-chaptered quest.
260
00:09:18,314 --> 00:09:20,490
They could last months
or even years.
261
00:09:20,624 --> 00:09:21,843
Years?
262
00:09:21,974 --> 00:09:23,019
That's what makes it so fun.
263
00:09:23,151 --> 00:09:24,283
Now, where were we
264
00:09:24,414 --> 00:09:26,025
with that yeti?
265
00:09:26,158 --> 00:09:28,770
A little too close
for comfort, I'd say.
266
00:09:28,903 --> 00:09:31,427
Repeat that for Jay. I think
he'd get a kick out of it.
267
00:09:32,782 --> 00:09:35,175
ISAAC:
How about those Brits stopping by, hmm?
268
00:09:35,309 --> 00:09:37,528
Probably won't have to see
them for another few years.
269
00:09:37,662 --> 00:09:39,925
[big sigh]
270
00:09:40,060 --> 00:09:42,802
Uh, I have to say,
though, that...
271
00:09:42,935 --> 00:09:45,764
that Nigel fellow seems
like a really good guy.
272
00:09:45,899 --> 00:09:49,816
Oh, well, can't say I agree
with his politics, but, uh...
273
00:09:49,951 --> 00:09:51,866
he's a man of honor.Interesting,
274
00:09:51,999 --> 00:09:54,566
because you're also
kind of a man of honor.
275
00:09:55,921 --> 00:09:58,053
Well, the truth is,
is that there's a secret
276
00:09:58,187 --> 00:10:00,232
that I've been
keeping from Nigel,
277
00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:02,585
and to share it would release
an immense burden,
278
00:10:02,719 --> 00:10:06,331
but I have a feeling he is
not going to take it very well.
279
00:10:06,466 --> 00:10:08,772
Okay, I hear you,
but there's also a chance
280
00:10:08,906 --> 00:10:11,169
that something that seemed so
unthinkable all those years ago
281
00:10:11,303 --> 00:10:13,522
might not be a big deal now.
282
00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:15,529
You're right.
283
00:10:15,661 --> 00:10:17,445
What am I so afraid of?
284
00:10:17,579 --> 00:10:19,233
I'm gonna do it.
285
00:10:19,365 --> 00:10:21,498
Really? You'll talk to him?
286
00:10:21,631 --> 00:10:23,982
Uh-huh. I'm gonna do it.
287
00:10:24,115 --> 00:10:25,334
[gasps]
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
288
00:10:25,465 --> 00:10:26,466
What do I wear?
289
00:10:26,599 --> 00:10:29,819
Wait, no, can't change,
so itchy shirt it is.
290
00:10:30,870 --> 00:10:32,785
Break a leg!
291
00:10:32,918 --> 00:10:34,876
JAY [yawns]:
Man...
292
00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:37,316
we were up so late
last night, huh? Were we?
293
00:10:37,450 --> 00:10:39,974
Gosh, I was having so much fun,
I didn't notice.
294
00:10:40,108 --> 00:10:41,457
I could have
gone all night.
295
00:10:41,589 --> 00:10:42,329
JAY: You want to know
what my favorite part was?
296
00:10:42,461 --> 00:10:44,724
It was just getting to know
the ghosts a little bit.
297
00:10:44,857 --> 00:10:45,946
Pete? Are you kidding me?
298
00:10:46,078 --> 00:10:48,124
That guy is great.
I didn't think anyone knew more
299
00:10:48,257 --> 00:10:49,432
about '80s basketball
than I did.
300
00:10:49,564 --> 00:10:52,828
Well, early '80s, and then...
[imitates arrow striking]
301
00:10:52,964 --> 00:10:55,270
JAY:
You know, if we're gonna get to the fortress any time soon,
302
00:10:55,404 --> 00:10:57,014
we're gonna have to play
a few times a week,
303
00:10:57,147 --> 00:10:58,104
at least.
And each of those sessions
304
00:10:58,236 --> 00:10:59,715
would last about...?Not long.
305
00:10:59,849 --> 00:11:02,330
Five, six hours.Wow.
306
00:11:02,463 --> 00:11:04,248
Well, let me check my schedule.
Available.
307
00:11:04,380 --> 00:11:06,643
And that could go on
for potentially years?
308
00:11:06,777 --> 00:11:07,865
Yeah.
309
00:11:09,348 --> 00:11:13,221
Jay, I don't know exactly
how to tell you this, but...
310
00:11:13,357 --> 00:11:15,620
the ghosts don't want to play
with you anymore.
311
00:11:15,753 --> 00:11:17,233
Whaaat?What?
312
00:11:17,367 --> 00:11:18,846
I know. I'm sorry.
313
00:11:18,978 --> 00:11:21,024
But I thought they had fun.
314
00:11:21,157 --> 00:11:23,029
We did have fun.
What are you doing, Sam?
315
00:11:23,162 --> 00:11:24,424
Well, I guess
that not being able
316
00:11:24,557 --> 00:11:26,472
to move the pieces or roll...
317
00:11:26,605 --> 00:11:28,216
Some of them just got
a little bored.Bored?
318
00:11:28,347 --> 00:11:29,218
That's not true.
319
00:11:29,350 --> 00:11:30,395
Okay.
Yes, it's disappointing.
320
00:11:30,526 --> 00:11:32,311
I'm upset, too. I...
321
00:11:32,444 --> 00:11:35,839
I love this game!
Those darn ghosts!
322
00:11:35,974 --> 00:11:37,759
Well, if they didn't like it,
then... they didn't like it.
323
00:11:37,890 --> 00:11:39,370
We loved it.
324
00:11:39,504 --> 00:11:41,419
Liar!JAY:
Huh.
325
00:11:41,552 --> 00:11:43,337
I guess I'll just put
all this away, then.
326
00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:44,470
You know, maybe we could watch
327
00:11:44,602 --> 00:11:45,690
a movie later.
328
00:11:45,822 --> 00:11:47,259
Yeah.
329
00:11:47,391 --> 00:11:49,306
Sure, that sounds fun.
330
00:11:49,439 --> 00:11:50,179
Hmm.
331
00:11:52,489 --> 00:11:54,404
And I thought
the mindflayer
332
00:11:54,538 --> 00:11:56,844
would be the greatest monster
I'd encounter this week.
333
00:11:58,199 --> 00:12:00,549
Or the gelatinous cube.
That one was tough, too.
334
00:12:07,349 --> 00:12:09,090
So she just straight-up
lied to him?
335
00:12:09,223 --> 00:12:10,311
Like it was nothing.We have to fix this.
336
00:12:10,443 --> 00:12:11,966
Last night was so fun,
337
00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:13,100
and I don't know
if you've noticed,
338
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,321
but we don't have
a ton going on here.
339
00:12:14,452 --> 00:12:15,584
Yeah, I just wish
there was a way
340
00:12:15,716 --> 00:12:17,675
we could talk to Jay directly
and set this straight.
341
00:12:17,808 --> 00:12:19,375
If only there was some way
we could get a message
342
00:12:19,508 --> 00:12:21,423
across the celestial plane.
343
00:12:25,042 --> 00:12:27,044
I think I have an idea.
344
00:12:28,091 --> 00:12:31,182
Uh, perhaps we discuss
345
00:12:31,316 --> 00:12:33,884
whatever it is you...
wanted to talk about.
346
00:12:34,018 --> 00:12:37,065
Well, well, the truth is,
is it's quite personal,
347
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,811
and I've been keeping
a secret from you
348
00:12:39,945 --> 00:12:43,166
for, oh, 250 years.
349
00:12:43,300 --> 00:12:44,823
Oh?
I'm just really nervous
350
00:12:44,956 --> 00:12:46,262
about how you're gonna take it.
351
00:12:46,395 --> 00:12:47,352
Well, I...
352
00:12:47,484 --> 00:12:49,442
think I might take it...
353
00:12:49,576 --> 00:12:51,534
just fine.
354
00:12:51,668 --> 00:12:53,452
Really?
355
00:12:53,585 --> 00:12:55,064
Oh.
356
00:12:55,197 --> 00:12:57,591
All right, here it goes.
357
00:12:57,724 --> 00:12:58,856
Nigel?
358
00:12:58,988 --> 00:13:00,816
Yes, Isaac?
359
00:13:00,949 --> 00:13:03,473
I killed you.
360
00:13:05,568 --> 00:13:06,482
Excuse me?!
361
00:13:06,614 --> 00:13:08,398
[whooshing]
362
00:13:11,930 --> 00:13:13,802
ISAAC:
Hello, Officer.
363
00:13:14,849 --> 00:13:16,373
[sneezes]
364
00:13:19,469 --> 00:13:20,426
Oh, boy.
365
00:13:20,559 --> 00:13:22,169
Are you telling me
366
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,956
the cowardly sniper
that took my life was you?
367
00:13:25,091 --> 00:13:28,050
Well, th-that was not at all
my intention.
368
00:13:28,185 --> 00:13:30,361
To have murdered in cold blood
369
00:13:30,495 --> 00:13:31,974
a fellow officer!
370
00:13:32,107 --> 00:13:33,021
My hope was to apologize.
371
00:13:33,152 --> 00:13:35,416
I've had enough of this.
372
00:13:35,549 --> 00:13:36,768
Uh...
373
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:37,945
Baxter?
374
00:13:38,076 --> 00:13:39,469
[fife playing]
375
00:13:39,603 --> 00:13:41,953
[quietly]:
Oh, God.
376
00:13:42,086 --> 00:13:43,914
[fife music fading]
377
00:13:44,046 --> 00:13:45,743
[scat singing]
378
00:13:47,446 --> 00:13:49,273
All right, no Sam in sight.
379
00:13:49,407 --> 00:13:50,843
Hurry up and do your thing.
380
00:13:53,502 --> 00:13:55,896
[sustained grunt growing louder]
381
00:13:56,030 --> 00:13:59,077
[yelling]
382
00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:03,741
Just a little
faster, buddy.
383
00:14:03,874 --> 00:14:05,223
I think Jay's
rinsing off.[yelling]
384
00:14:05,356 --> 00:14:07,053
[continues yelling]
385
00:14:10,411 --> 00:14:11,890
[gasps]
386
00:14:13,462 --> 00:14:16,247
[panting]Lied about what?
387
00:14:16,381 --> 00:14:18,427
Seriously, dude,
this is gonna kill me.
388
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:19,822
We've come too far, man.
389
00:14:19,954 --> 00:14:21,216
Fine.
390
00:14:21,348 --> 00:14:22,480
[exhales sharply]
391
00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:23,439
[inhales]
392
00:14:27,580 --> 00:14:29,016
Hey, babe.
393
00:14:29,149 --> 00:14:30,672
Got a better
Internet connection,
394
00:14:30,805 --> 00:14:33,155
so now I can play D&D
with my boys in the city.
395
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:35,248
That's amazing.Yeah, and even better,
396
00:14:35,380 --> 00:14:37,295
one of the guys
had to drop out,
397
00:14:37,429 --> 00:14:38,952
so there's room for you
398
00:14:39,084 --> 00:14:40,172
to join permanently.
399
00:14:40,305 --> 00:14:42,656
No way.Super cool, huh?
400
00:14:42,789 --> 00:14:44,443
'Cause I know how much
you love playing the game,
401
00:14:44,576 --> 00:14:47,492
because that's what you told me.
402
00:14:49,281 --> 00:14:50,978
I know you lied!
403
00:14:51,112 --> 00:14:52,983
But how? No, I didn't!Uh-huh!
404
00:14:53,117 --> 00:14:54,640
The ghosts told me.
And it was genuinely haunting.
405
00:14:54,773 --> 00:14:56,426
I was in the shower, I was nude,
406
00:14:56,558 --> 00:14:58,212
and then letters just appeared
in the steam!
407
00:14:58,345 --> 00:14:59,999
Trevor.The ghost
408
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,917
without pants
is watching me shower?
409
00:15:02,050 --> 00:15:03,094
Gotta love that.
410
00:15:03,226 --> 00:15:05,228
Sam, why did you lie to me?
411
00:15:05,361 --> 00:15:07,233
I wanted to help you play
with the ghosts,
412
00:15:07,366 --> 00:15:09,107
but I really don't like
your favorite game.
413
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:10,633
Why didn't you
just tell me?
414
00:15:10,765 --> 00:15:12,245
Because I didn't want
to upset you.
415
00:15:12,377 --> 00:15:14,989
And it just seemed easier
to blame the ghosts.I don't care
416
00:15:15,122 --> 00:15:16,950
if you like playing the game
or not, okay?
417
00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:18,955
Objectively, you should,
because it's awesome.
418
00:15:19,089 --> 00:15:21,657
But honestly,
I just miss my friends.
419
00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:23,966
I know.
And you have this whole group of people
420
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:26,145
that-that you can talk to
that I can't even see.
421
00:15:26,279 --> 00:15:28,324
So the other night when
we were all playing together,
422
00:15:28,458 --> 00:15:30,503
I actually felt like
I was part of the gang.
423
00:15:32,074 --> 00:15:34,990
PETE:
The British are coming! The British are coming!
424
00:15:35,124 --> 00:15:36,516
I do hear you.
425
00:15:40,137 --> 00:15:43,009
So I guess things with Nigel
didn't go so great, huh?
426
00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:45,101
No, Sam, they didn't.
427
00:15:45,235 --> 00:15:50,022
It has come to my attention
that I, an officer
428
00:15:50,159 --> 00:15:51,073
in His Majesty's
Armed Forces,
429
00:15:51,204 --> 00:15:52,902
was murdered
430
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:56,169
by the shameful American
war criminal Isaac Higgintoot.
431
00:15:56,303 --> 00:15:58,828
Wait, that was the secret?
432
00:15:58,961 --> 00:16:01,137
This horrifying breach of
decorum shall not go unpunished.
433
00:16:01,271 --> 00:16:02,968
We are taking the house.
434
00:16:03,101 --> 00:16:04,885
Well...
435
00:16:05,019 --> 00:16:08,979
if you insist that the time
for words has passed--
436
00:16:09,115 --> 00:16:10,377
just coming through--
437
00:16:10,509 --> 00:16:14,905
then, no matter the cost
in blood or treasure,
438
00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:19,829
my army and I will defend
this house to the bitter end.
439
00:16:21,665 --> 00:16:24,102
If it's war you want...
440
00:16:24,236 --> 00:16:26,455
then war you shall have.
441
00:16:26,590 --> 00:16:28,635
So be it.
442
00:16:28,768 --> 00:16:29,726
It's time for battle!
443
00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:32,471
Oh!
444
00:16:32,603 --> 00:16:35,432
[grunting, shouting]
445
00:16:35,565 --> 00:16:37,089
PETE:
Get out of here.
446
00:16:37,222 --> 00:16:40,399
This is the war?I'm a pacifist,
447
00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:42,753
but even I would like to see
a little more action.
448
00:16:44,063 --> 00:16:46,283
Oh! Damn this
impotent existence!
449
00:16:46,416 --> 00:16:48,418
If I was alive,
I would wipe you and your boys
450
00:16:48,552 --> 00:16:49,901
off the face of the earth.
451
00:16:50,034 --> 00:16:51,513
No, you wouldn't.
You'd shoot me in the chest
452
00:16:51,646 --> 00:16:52,603
while I was reading my poems!
453
00:16:52,736 --> 00:16:55,217
Oh, wait. You already did that.
454
00:16:55,350 --> 00:16:56,482
[breathily]:
Well.
455
00:16:56,613 --> 00:16:58,267
If we can't fight,
456
00:16:58,401 --> 00:17:01,012
then how the hell do we resolve
this invasion, hmm?
457
00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:05,063
If only there were some way
to simulate actual combat.
458
00:17:06,113 --> 00:17:07,549
What?
459
00:17:09,033 --> 00:17:11,253
Damn it,
I may have the solution.
460
00:17:12,607 --> 00:17:14,914
Okay, I don't really understand
what's happening here,
461
00:17:15,047 --> 00:17:16,744
but I'd just like to say
for the record,
462
00:17:16,878 --> 00:17:20,012
I am happy to solve all
future ghost conflicts this way.
463
00:17:20,145 --> 00:17:22,321
Okay, Pete,
you are now face-to-face with--
464
00:17:22,455 --> 00:17:23,848
who's that guy?Oh, Jenkins.
465
00:17:23,980 --> 00:17:25,025
That's one of the
British ghosts.
466
00:17:25,157 --> 00:17:26,767
Okay, you find yourself
face-to-face
467
00:17:26,900 --> 00:17:28,771
with Jenkins' tiefling bard.
468
00:17:28,904 --> 00:17:31,907
Okay. Well,
then I unsheathe my moonblade
469
00:17:32,043 --> 00:17:34,436
and whisper the phrase
"swift defeat to my enemies,"
470
00:17:34,570 --> 00:17:36,702
thus marking him as a sworn
enemy, and giving myself
471
00:17:36,836 --> 00:17:38,620
an extra 3d6 damage.
472
00:17:38,753 --> 00:17:40,668
Gadzooks, this
is boring.
473
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,367
Why would anyone play this?
474
00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:44,154
Okay. This is silly.
475
00:17:44,287 --> 00:17:45,941
Nigel,
476
00:17:46,075 --> 00:17:48,381
my killing you
was an accident,
477
00:17:48,515 --> 00:17:50,473
but not telling you about it
for the last two centuries,
478
00:17:50,605 --> 00:17:52,563
that was just plain wrong.
479
00:17:52,697 --> 00:17:55,743
And for that I'm truly sorry.
480
00:17:57,099 --> 00:17:59,405
Why didn't you
just say something?
481
00:17:59,539 --> 00:18:01,671
I-I was afraid you'd be mad.
482
00:18:01,805 --> 00:18:03,111
SAM:
Oh...
483
00:18:03,243 --> 00:18:05,332
Isaac and the British commander
are making up.
484
00:18:05,466 --> 00:18:07,511
Aw, that's nice.
What did Isaac do?
485
00:18:07,645 --> 00:18:10,561
He murdered him.Ooh, that is hard
to bounce back from.
486
00:18:10,695 --> 00:18:13,437
I can see why that might be
a hard subject to broach, but...
487
00:18:13,571 --> 00:18:16,487
how does one
even accidentally shoot another?
488
00:18:16,621 --> 00:18:17,840
Well...
489
00:18:17,973 --> 00:18:21,977
I-I was really intending
to spy on you-ur camp,
490
00:18:22,112 --> 00:18:25,115
using a musket looking glass
that I had invented.
491
00:18:25,250 --> 00:18:27,817
Some people are calling it
the "Eyesaac."
492
00:18:27,951 --> 00:18:29,387
Like your name?
But with...
493
00:18:29,521 --> 00:18:30,522
E-Y-E at the beginning?
494
00:18:30,653 --> 00:18:33,526
Yes. How did you know?Well,
495
00:18:33,659 --> 00:18:34,660
what else would it be?
496
00:18:34,793 --> 00:18:36,273
Simply brilliant.
497
00:18:36,405 --> 00:18:38,146
I love it.
498
00:18:38,279 --> 00:18:39,584
I mean...
499
00:18:39,717 --> 00:18:41,458
for an instrument of my demise.
500
00:18:41,591 --> 00:18:43,158
And I love you...
501
00:18:44,685 --> 00:18:45,773
...loving it.
502
00:18:45,905 --> 00:18:47,559
I love you loving it.
503
00:18:47,691 --> 00:18:50,868
We shall consider the matter
water under the bridge.
504
00:18:51,003 --> 00:18:53,440
The invasion is cancelled.
505
00:18:53,575 --> 00:18:55,664
But we can keep playing, right?Yeah. Mama has
a fourth-level spell slot
506
00:18:55,796 --> 00:18:57,276
she's itching to use.
507
00:18:57,410 --> 00:18:58,324
NIGEL:
Thank you
508
00:18:58,456 --> 00:19:00,284
for your gracious hospitality.
509
00:19:01,462 --> 00:19:03,203
Until we next parley.
510
00:19:04,469 --> 00:19:05,775
Baxter?
511
00:19:05,907 --> 00:19:08,171
[fife playing]
512
00:19:10,308 --> 00:19:11,309
A-About that,
513
00:19:11,442 --> 00:19:13,748
maybe it would help
keep the peace
514
00:19:13,882 --> 00:19:15,623
if we, um...
515
00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:17,366
parleyed more often.
516
00:19:18,719 --> 00:19:20,068
Interesting.
517
00:19:20,201 --> 00:19:22,899
Perhaps, say, we could walk
the grounds sometime
518
00:19:23,033 --> 00:19:24,948
to discuss the peace...
519
00:19:25,081 --> 00:19:27,301
among other matters.
520
00:19:28,306 --> 00:19:30,264
I'm... actually not...
521
00:19:30,398 --> 00:19:32,139
doing anything right now.
522
00:19:32,271 --> 00:19:33,794
ISAAC:
Oh, uh, s...
523
00:19:33,927 --> 00:19:35,276
splendid.
524
00:19:35,409 --> 00:19:36,453
To the grounds.
525
00:19:38,023 --> 00:19:38,893
[fife resumes playing]
526
00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:43,380
Uh, as you were, Baxter.
527
00:19:44,647 --> 00:19:46,432
Stand down.
528
00:19:50,312 --> 00:19:52,575
Okey dokey, conflict resolved.
529
00:19:52,709 --> 00:19:54,450
Cool. All right, well, I guess
we're done playing, then.
530
00:19:54,583 --> 00:19:57,325
No. Jay, D&D is not
one of those games
531
00:19:57,459 --> 00:19:59,374
that's just done
in an hour.
532
00:19:59,507 --> 00:20:01,379
It's a rich,
multi-chaptered campaign.
533
00:20:01,511 --> 00:20:03,426
It could last
for months.
534
00:20:03,559 --> 00:20:04,603
Are you serious?
535
00:20:04,736 --> 00:20:05,824
Do you really want
to keep playing?
536
00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:07,261
No.
537
00:20:07,395 --> 00:20:08,918
But I will, for you.
538
00:20:09,050 --> 00:20:10,400
Aw.
539
00:20:10,531 --> 00:20:11,967
Good. 'Cause I joined
that book club
540
00:20:12,101 --> 00:20:13,058
last year for you.
541
00:20:13,189 --> 00:20:14,582
All right,
let's roll for initiative!
542
00:20:14,715 --> 00:20:16,108
[dice clatter]
543
00:20:16,241 --> 00:20:17,329
[laughing]:
All right!20!
544
00:20:28,398 --> 00:20:30,444
Come on.
Guys, we're not doing this.
545
00:20:30,577 --> 00:20:32,579
This is not the new system.
546
00:20:32,713 --> 00:20:33,714
I really want to smell
some pepperoni.
547
00:20:33,845 --> 00:20:35,456
There is no way
that I'm writing "pepperoni."
548
00:20:35,588 --> 00:20:36,502
JAY:
Seriously,
549
00:20:36,634 --> 00:20:37,852
this is super creepy!
550
00:20:37,984 --> 00:20:39,377
Are you guys
551
00:20:39,508 --> 00:20:41,423
still in here?
Please leave.
552
00:20:41,473 --> 00:20:46,023
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