All language subtitles for Black-ish_S01E01_HDTV_x264_AAC_E-Subs__GWC__1487236962_360p (1)

Okay, so, I'm just your standard,
regular ol' incredibly handsome,

unbelievably charismatic black dude.

Now, this drooling, pigment-challenged,

mixed-race woman is my wife, Rainbow.

And, despite what she looks
like right now, she's a doctor.

We're lucky.

We've got a great house,
four great kids, and my Pops.

It's a far cry from where it all began.

That's why I promised my
parents I'd get an education,

graduate, and get myself out of there.

I guess for a kid from the hood,
I'm living the American Dream.

The only problem is, whatever American had
this dream probably wasn't where I'm from.

And if he was, he
should've mentioned the part

about how when brothers
start getting a little money,

stuff starts getting a little
weird... like in my neighborhood.

Sometimes I feel like a bit of an oddity.

And if you look to your left,

you'll see the mythical
and majestic Black Family

out of their natural habitat
and yet still thriving.

Go ahead and wave. They'll wave right back.

- They're smiling. Hi. Hello.
- The little ones are cute.

They're just... just amazing.

Sometimes I worry that,
in an effort to make it,

black folks have dropped a
little bit of their culture

and the rest of the world has picked it up.

They even renamed it "Urban".

And in the "Urban" world,

Justin Timberlake and
Robin Thicke are R&B Gods,

Kim Kardashian's the symbol for big butts,

and asian guys are just
unholdable on the dance floor.

Come on! Big butts? R&B and dancing?

Those were the black man's go-tos!

I'm definitely not complaining.

I love my life.

And not that I want to go back

to the days of being
the big scary black guy.

But I have to admit...

it did kind of have its advantages.

SO1EO1
"Pilot"

Sync and correction by solfieri
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Even though we were close,
my Pops had a weird way

of showing he loved me. Hey, Pops.

Hey, hey, son, can I
just get some coffee in me

before you start with all that mess?

And by "weird," I meant
he didn't show it at all.

- Good morning, Zoey.
- Hey, dad.

Are you wearing that awful cologne again?

- Why?
- Because it smells like you're

wearing the awful cologne again.

Did seem like a pretty
straightforward question there, son.

Right?

Nice try. I'm not gonna
let you ruin my day.

Good morning, Mr. Senior Vice President.

- Mwah! Hey.
- Hey, baby. Hear that, Pops?

Stevens is announcing my
SVP promotion at work today.

Yeah, and if you'd have
joined that black firm,

like I told you, you'd have been
Mr. President five years ago.

Yeah, but for half the money.

So? It's a black company.

You got to make an adjustment
for the negro inflation tax.

Pops, I am gonna be the first
black SVP at Stevens & Lido.

This job is about more
than just money to me.

It's about breaking down barriers.

Yeah. Breaking down barriers...
equally important to money.

But just so that I'm clear,
there is a salary increase, right?

- Okay.
- Yes, baby. All right. Hey, Junior.

Mm, mm, mm, mm! Unh!

- All right, all right. Let's go.
- All right.

Oh, why don't y'all go get a room?

I can't believe I marched on Washington

and fought for my country
to watch y'all do that mess.

You shot yourself in the
foot to get out of the army.

And you were in D.C. for
an Isley Brothers concert.

- You shot yourself?
- Can we see?

- Look here.
- Pops.

I want to see!

Why do you have to get
to school so early, son?

Oh, uh, tryouts are today.

I want to get a little extra
work in so I'd be ready.

Okay. Work on the handle.

Lock down that point-guard spot.

Um... there's no point
guards in field hockey, dad.

Field hockey?!

Man, isn't that a woman's sport?

Nope. Um, a lot of
people think that, though.

A lot of people never think
about field hockey, man.

What happened? We were
hoopin' all summer long.

I thought you were gonna
try out for the team,

show these valley glen boys
The Johnson Family jumper.

The Johnson Family wha... dad, you
didn't hit one jump shot all summer.

Hey.

It's not about the
accuracy, son, all right?

The family is known for our form.

Look at that. Look at
that elbow. Look at that.

Right. Anyway, I thought
about playing hoop,

but all my friends are
fee-hocking it this year,

so I figured, you know, when in Rome...

W... when in Rome?

You are not in Rome! You're in L.A.!

You know what?

I'm not gonna let you ruin my day.

Field hockey.

- What's up, Mr. J?
- What's up, Zach?

- What's up, Andy?
- What's up?

"Andy"? That's not even close to "Andre".

I think it says I'm edgy but approachable.

I think it says, "I hate my
father and I play field hockey".

Well, Zach thinks it's cool, and
it's also a derivative of "Andre".

We discussed it, and I think I like that...

There were so few of us at Stevens &
Lido that being black made you feel like

you were part of a little family.

So when one of us made it, it
was kind of like we all did.

♪ Who do you think you are? ♪

And right now, I was that one.

I'm not saying I was the Jackie Robinson
of Stevens & Lido advertising or anything,

but, I mean, if other
people were saying it,

they wouldn't be wrong.

Hold on a second.

- Killer Kris.
- Big Dre, what up?

Or should I say "Mr. Senior Vee-peezy"?

This is my assistant, Kris.

Notice how I do the shake with him.

That's because I consider
him an honorary brother.

- Hey, Kris, let me ask you a question.
- Yeah.

Did you ever want to play the same
sport your dad played in high school?

Are you kidding? Of course.

My dad was a frickin' field-hockey God.

Meeting's in 10.

Whatever.

Yo! Dr. Dre!

This is Josh. Um...
not an honorary brother.

Just "Andre".

All right, sorry, "Andre", hey bro...

Uh-oh, I mean Andre,

listen, we're working on this folgers copy,

and we wanted to know
how you think a black guy

would say "good morning".

Hmm.

Probably just like that.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Hey, hey, Stevens called a meeting,
and I think something big might be up.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You know, I'm hearing "historic,"

"game-changing" being tossed around.

Could just be office gossip. Ha ha!

If I could have your attention...

At Stevens & Lido, there
was a clear separation

between lower management...

and upper management.

And that always made me
feel like it was us...

- versus them.
- ... get ready to work.

Even our snacks were divided.

We get cheetos and grape soda, while they
always get what looks like a medieval feast!

Let's eat, let's eat! Ha ha.

That's why this promotion
was such a big deal.

For once, one of us

was going to get a
chance to be one of them.

More wine! More wine!

To us!

Like my daddy said,

you chase a squirrel, you better
be prepared to eat his nuts.

All right, uh...

I'm sure you've all heard
I have an announcement.

Uh, myself and the board have decided to up

a new Senior Vice President
here in the company.

What?! ha ha!

That's crazy! Oh, my God!

Hey, hey, but very wise.

Yeah. Yeah.

And this new SVP will also be heading up

our creative presentation

to grab the $250 million
L.A. tourism account.

All right.

It is a big deal for us.
We need a home run here.

Sabrina, I'm not gonna forget about you
when I become one of them, all right?

Excuse me. Excuse me. All right.

- Uh, excuse me. Yeah.
- ... change who we are.

So, without any further ado, I would
like us all to give a warm congrats

to the SVP of our new Urban
division, Andre Johnson!

Huh?!

That's right.

- Andre!
- Uh, I'm... I'm sorry.

Uh... did you say "Urban"?

Urban division.

Wait. Did they just put me
in charge of black stuff?

I don't like the social media at the table

- Junior, pass the hot sauce.
- I told you that.

Okay. Hello! Okay.

To my husband, Senior Vice President.

- Yes!
- Yeah!

- Congrats to my son!
- Yeah!

Finally made it, son.

- Finally made it...
- Holla!

To head puppet of the white man.

Oh, Pops. Come on. You're
here to celebrate him.

Actually, you told me I was
coming over to eat fried chicken.

- I have no idea what the hell this is.
- It's fried chicken.

- Really?
- It's baked fried chicken.

Oh, so fried fried chicken
is too black for you.

- Pops! Pops, seriously?
- Hey, hey. Babe, babe.

- What?
- You know what? Pops is right.

You know, I... I do feel like a puppet.

As you should.

I said I wanted to be the first
black SVP for Stevens & Lido,

when, actually, I wanted
to be the first SVP

who happened to be black.

What's the difference?

Obama's the first black president.

I mean, does that make
him any less president? No.

No, because he's the first black president

of the United States,

not the first black president
of the Urban United States.

Obama's the first black president? What...

you're doing a bang-up job over here.

No, no, no. Hold on a
second. Let's explore this.

Jack, did you really not know that
Obama was the first black president?

He's the only president I've ever known.

- "Only". Did you hear that? "Only".
- He gets a pass.

So that explains his complete
lack of Presidential Trivia.

Hey. You two.

You knew that Obama was the
first black president, right?

- I g... guess.
- Okay.

"Okay"?

Mm-hmm. See what I'm talking about?

Baked chicken.

- What you doing?
- Looking at pictures...

of my Urban family.

Oh, my God.

You got to stop with the
whole pity-party thing.

You don't think I go through this kind of
thing all the time being a female doctor?

It's not that big of a deal.
You got to keep it real.

- "Keep it real". O... okay.
- That's what I said.

All... all this coming from, uh,

a biracial or mixed or
omni-colored-complexion,

whatever-it-is-they're-
calling-it-today woman

- who technically isn't even really black?
- Okay, well, if I'm not really black,

then could somebody please
tell my hair and my ass?

- Babe, you don't get it.
- No.

- This is how it starts.
- What?

Babe, Junior wants to play field hockey.

- I know. What's wrong with that?
- I...

today, it's field hockey.

Tomorrow, he's running from
the police in a white bronco.

Oh, my God... are you suggesting that our
son is gonna grow up and murder his wife?

- Aha! You think O.J. did it!
- Oh, come on.

We can't have a keeping-it-real
conversation with that attitude.

No, no, no. Stop, babe.

- Baby, the gloves didn't fit!
- No, focus, Dre.

- You need to focus.
- Okay.

This is what you always wanted.

This is your dream and this is our plan.

We're gonna climb the
Himalayas, sex in the Louvre,

and then we're gonna
successfully raise our family

in a better situation than we had.

If you pass up this
promotion, we're 0 for 3.

Maybe you're right, babe.

- Ooh. Thank you. I love you, too.
- Ooh. You're welcome. Mwah. I love you.

- No.
- You didn't even let me get it out.

I know, 'cause I can
hear what you're thinking.

- Okay, well, I'm just gonna do it.
- No. no!

There he is... my main man.

Can't wait to see what you
do with that presentation.

Me too. Really looking forward to it.

And, remember, really put
your swag on it, you know?

Keep it... keep it real.

Keep it real?

Yeah. Be honest, be smart, be you.

What, uh, what did you think I meant?

I thought you meant that.

Okay.

"Keep it real".

What's up, ***?

- * Rewind *
- Hey, my name's...

- Dre, Dre...
- It's inappropriate!

Highly inappropriate!

- Hey, babe.
- Mommy, mommy.

- Mom.
- Yeah?

Liza Jackson asked if
we could have a playdate.

She's weird, so feel free to say "no".

Liza Jackson? Which one is she?

You know, wears the Nemo
shoes every... single... day?

And the polka-dot backpack.

Kind of smells like a Turkey Burger.

Wait a second.

Are you guys talking about the only
other little black girl in your class?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Why didn't you just say that?
- I don't know.

Guess when I hear "Liza Jackson,"

I just think "Nemo and Turkey Burgers".

- Yep.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

What?

Don't you think that's
beautiful? They don't see color.

No. I think they need to be tested.

But when I say it, I'm wrong.

I made the team!

Whoo! Yes! Oh, my goodness!

- That's so exciting!
- Of course you did.

- Yes! Oh, God, I'm so happy!
- Thank you.

Uh, Zach? Can I help you with something?

Uh, yeah, I've just been
craving some grape soda all day,

and my parents just never buy any.

- And why would you assume we have...
- Found it!

Oh, and, dad, me and some of the
field mob decided what I should do

- for my birthday party.
- Field mob?

- I want to have a Bar Mitzvah.
- A...

And before you say anything,
I know we're not Jewish,

but Zach knows a rabbi who's great
at pushing through conversions, so...

Hold on... so you'd be willing to
forsake your own religion to have a party?

Short answer... yes.

- Are you listening to this?
- Dad, now that I think about it, if I do,

you won't have to worry about
anyone calling me "Andy" anymore,

because when I convert,
I'll get a Hebrew name.

I'm gonna go with either
"Scholomo" or "Shmuel".

- What?
- Both pretty solid, bro.

Shut up! Shut... you
know what? Family meeting!

Everybody, 'round the table... now!

I smell a group hug coming
on. I'm going to the track.

See you later, Pops.

All right, listen up.

I may have to be "Urban" at work,

but I'm still going to
need my family to be black.

Not Black-ish...

- Wha...
- but black.

So we're gonna start with
some strict guidelines.

So, then he sent me a
smiley face with a wink.

- I mean, I should be offended, right?
- Zoey!

- I'll text you.
- Alright. From heretoforth,

we are going to keep it real.

So, Junior,

if I hear anybody calling
you "Scholomo" or "Shmuel"

or especially "Andy,"

I'm gonna back you over and
whoever else is saying it

in my car.

- Dad...
- Quiet!

Now, I may have to watch you play
possibly the dumbest sport in the world,

but I do not have to sit
back and listen to you rave

about other kids' Bar Mitzvahs.

So, next Saturday, when you turn 13,

you're becoming a man, too...

a black man, because I'm throwing you

an African rites of passage ceremony.

That does not sound as fun.

No, it does not.

Okay, I have an idea.

Why don't we take a black break

and go get some white yogurt?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Hey, hey! Hold on, hold
on. Slow your roll, you two.

From here on out, I'm gonna need you two

to describe people using
keeping-it-real identifications.

"The assailant was a hispanic male

between the ages of 10 and 60".

See? Now I know who I'm looking for.

Mommy, daddy's scaring me.

Me too, baby. Me too.

Really?

Okay, are we done with
this whole life-and-death,

keeping-it-real speech?

Because I need to start prepping for a
2-year-old's surgery that I have tomorrow,

and I'm not gonna be thinking
about keeping it real.

I'm gonna be thinking
about keeping him alive.

You're not the only one in this
house with an important job.

My job is pretty important.

And, as I recall, you
were the one who brought up

this keeping-it-real argument.

- So this is my fault?
- Yes, it's your fault.

- Oh, this is my fault?
- Oh, yes.

And, tomorrow, I have a very
important presentation to make.

And you know what I'm
gonna do when I go in there?

I'm gonna go in there, I'm
gonna keep it real as...

Yeah, because that's
what you told me to do.

Oh, I'm pretty sure that's
not what I told you to do.

Oh, no, that's exactly what you said.

If she thinks I'm finished
with keeping it real,

I am just getting started.

And if Stevens & Lido
really wants an Urban SVP,

i'll give them their Urban SVP.

- Ha!
- Oh, my God.

Lalonde... Leonard landing at will.

And Lalonde goes down!

_

So, that's my Urban pitch
for the L.A. tourism account.

Thoughts?

We're not really doing this, right?

I thought it was funny.

Operation "Keepin' It
Real" was in full effect,

and although it was off to a rocky start,

I still had high hopes.

Andre.

- Yes?
- What is this mess you're doing?

This ain't no mess,
Pops. This is our culture.

This ain't our culture.
We black, not African.

Africans don't even like us.

Dad, can I go?

No. Stand right there
and experience your roots.

You're better off watching "Roots".

Should I start, or do you want to?

Okay. Okay. Uh, take that, son. Take that!

- What is he doing?
- Don't look at me.

Hey, Bow. Look, baby, I had...
the boy wanted a Bar Mitzvah!

Bow, I could use your support right now.

I was trying to support you
when I called you at work today,

and my call was rerouted
to Corporate Security.

And they questioned me for like 30 minutes

about my husband's mental state.

Hmm. Weird. Next time, just call my cell.

Ohh. Dre, what happened at work today?

Look, Mr. Stevens failed to fully grasp

the irony of my pitch,
so we mutually decided

that we would take the
weekend to figure out

if... Stevens & Lido was
still a perfect fit for me.

Still a perfect fit? Dre?

He's thinking about firing you?

I guess, if you want to
oversimplify it like that.

Oh, my God. Dre! There
is no winning with you!

You're upset because they gave
you the job because you're black.

If they'd given it to someone white,

you'd be upset they didn't
give it to someone black!

This "keeping it real"
B.S. has got to stop.

I'm not gonna have you running
around torturing my son.

What was that? What are you
wear... what are you wearing?

Whatever issues you are working through,

you need to get over them... now.

Okay?

Nice shot.

So much for The Johnson Family form.

Dad, listen, I get it.

You feel like I'm turning into a white boy.

But I'm not. I'm just being me.

I'm just not quite sure who that is yet.

Son, I realize how difficult it must be

to feel like the different one at school.

But it's also important for
you to hold on to your culture

and realize how special it is.

Honestly, the only thing I'm really trying
to hold on to right now is my first boob.

I'm a ninth-grader playing
varsity. That means something.

So this was all a part of your plan.

Yeah. Me and the field mob...

Hey, son, please... stop
calling yourselves that.

Fine. Me and my boys figured that

if we could just get our foot
in the door with other jocks,

we'd really get in there
and make some noise.

So, you really do want to play basketball.

Yeah, dad. But I suck at it.

All right, little man,
get in the house. Go.

Who knew? Boy wants to hold a boob.

You can't be mad at him for that.

Hey, Pops, how the hell
did you keep it real with us

- when we were growing up?
- I didn't. I kept it honest.

So, I really screwed this up, didn't I?

Screwing things up is just another part
of what it means to be a father, Dre.

It's how you learn to fix things.

Just remember, son, whatever you do,

make sure it's right for who you are.

If that boy wants a Bar Mitzvah, I'm
gonna throw that boy a Bar Mitzvah.

There you go.

"Hold a boob".

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present
Andre Jr.'s Hip-Hop Bro Mitzvah..

Sometimes keeping it real
means admitting you were wrong

but, as a dad, still
finding a way to be right.

Be damned if I'm calling him Andy, though.

So, that Los Angeles tourism campaign

went a lot better once I realized

that "Urban" can also mean
Hip, Cool, and Colorful,

just like my family.

So, taking a cue from my very wise son,

I decided to get my foot in the
door and really make some noise.

And just like that, I became the SVP
of Stevens & Lido's Urban Division.

The funny thing is... I didn't feel Urban.

I just feel like a dad.

who was willing to do whatever
he had to for his family.

And isn't that the American Dream?

Sync and correction by solfieri
Brought to you by pizstol