All language subtitles for The.French.Minister.2013.720p.BluRay.x264-ROUGH

"I searched for myself."

Heraclitus, Vl century B.C.

- That won't do. It sticks out.
- What does?

A floppy collar
doesn't go with a tie.

And change your socks!

Come on...

Draw the curtains.

That sick guy will ogle you.

He's terminal, deserves a treat.

Will this do?

Red and black...
It's like Jeanne Mas.

Who's she?

An 80s look.
Like Mitterrand.

I'm not sure I want thatjob.

We spent a year abroad

to escape him.

I'm not ready to dive back in.

Don't forget.

As always. Be cool.

A bit snobby and cool.

You teach that to your pupils?

So?

It's OK.

But will it wow them?

It'II do.

As long as you feel at ease.

I have an appointment
with Alexandre Taillard de Vorms.

The Minister.

My name's Arthur Vlaminck.

Excuse... You understand?

No one speaks Italian
in this Ministry?

I understand, but no speak.

It's unbelievable!

Good fortuna...

Mr. Vlaminck? Follow me, please.

Thanks.

Come in.

I'm here to see the Minister.

- Mr. Vlaminck?
- Yes.

Mind waiting.
He's winding up a meeting.

Agnes will show you in.

How are you, pal?

You're a hard guy to find!
You dodging me?

Even harder than Commander Massoud!

Don't deny it! You're a lefty,
and to you I'm a...

See that?

Mitterrand's birthplace
is on that globe!

We're on a sinking ship.

And when a ship sinks,

where's the right, where's the left?

- Tell me.
- It's true, the left...

May I pour you a glass?

A modest red Burgundy. Interesting.

You love books.
Look what my son just gave me.

Your hands clean?

Watch out, it's a first edition.

See that?

Bottom of page 80.

Read.

You see it?

No.

"Where there's a will
there's a way."

Oh, yes.

Mao took it from Lenin,

who got it from Hazlitt,

who stole an English proverb
that came from...

China.

Full circle!

I need a team, Arthur.

A commando.

Responsive people,
who move 24 hours a day.

A commando!

The world's 50-year balance
has been shattered.

9/11 made the Americans aware

of both their power
and their weakness.

As we speak,

the neoconservatives
are honing a "security" doctrine.

The doctrine of preventive war.

You hit someone,

"sniffing out"
he poses a threat.

Preventive action.
Pit bull tactics.

Dangerous.

Right now,
America is isolating itself.

And because of that,

it's in danger of going blind.

One country obsesses the US:
Lusdemistan.

A dictatorship?

Sure it is,
with an arms program, rumors...

But is that a reason to attack
and blow them to hell?

Sir,

the Prime Minister is on the line.

Tell him I'II call back.

He wants to discuss
his news channel

to resettle our tuna-fishermen
in the Seychelles.

Sorry?

Where were we?
Talking about serious matters!

Ah, yes. America.

There, the hawks think
they understand the world.

But they don't.

Unlike the French,
the British, or even the Belgians,

they don't understand Africa,
or China,

or the Arab world.

Or know who invented
zero in maths.

We have to avoid all the pitfalls.

The pitfall of fear,

of resignation,

and worst of all:

the pitfall of ignorance.

The US Secretary of State

has a team of 80 people.
With huge resources.

We're barely a dozen.
It's a very small ship.

It's not even a ship,
it's a barge, a canoe...

a raft.

But on this raft, I've chosen the best.

You're young, but your fine mind
is highly praised.

Don't let me down.
I have faith in you,

and I need you on board.

I'm very honored, but...

I'm entrusting you
with what's most important.

Language!

Evening.

He already gave you a night off?
You tamed him?

Were you cool and snobby?

So what did he offer you?
Honduras?

Why Honduras?

Our favorite vacation spot.
You told him?

He offered me "Ianguage".

Language?

What's that?
Teaching them elocution?

Language means...

Using the right words.

A minister can't spout anything.
One word can set off a world crisis.

They'II explain it all to me.

Can you stand a right-wing guy?

He's for the general good.

And his chief of staff is a lefty.

He wants to stand up to the Americans.

So he's perfect. Superman.

Handsome to boot.

Is he as sexy as on TV?

Well... That's not the problem.

He's a man with a vision.
Who's searching.

You're like an early Christian.

Or a guy who never had a dad.

You'II be brilliant.

You'II find things for them to say.
So they needn't do them.

Things that are smart...

Funny...

Perverse...

Perverse?

Yes.

"Struggle is the father of all things."

Heraclitus, Fragment No. 129

So you're our new language guy?

I'II check if Mr. Maupas can see you.

Not another

question about the Gaza Strip?

Mr. Maupas can see you.

Deputies' questions
have become an ordeal!

We spend more time
explaining than working.

To hell with these extra questions.

Specially from the right.

They harp about the 1967 borders

but don't know
where they begin and end.

Mr. Maupas?

The President's on the line.

Yes, it's me. Put him on.

Every Wednesday
since I took this job

I haven't had a sandwich.

Now we'II have Tuesday questions,

and soon the Senate on Thursdays.

They want us to lose weight.

Arthur,
I'm so glad you've joined us.

Alexandre said
you'd be handling language.

You'II be our only functioning brain.

AII of ours are already fried.

I think what's most urgent

is putting you on
the Minister's speech to the UN,

and the Berlin and Grad school ones.

I warn you,
he doesn't want traditional speeches.

He says they need
"groundbreaking thrust".

Groundbreaking?

Yes.

Not easy to cook up,
but good practice.

Mr. Maupas?
L'll put on the President.

This is Sylvain Marquet,
our man for Europe,

who can fill you in a bit.

Sylvain.

Meet the overworked Stéphane Cahut,
our Middle East man.

Overworked, but underfed,
Mr. Marquet.

I praised you to the boss.
A pre-emptive action.

Worm your way fast into his software.

But wear a suit
with matching pants and jacket.

Avoid black ones, black ties
and square-toed shoes.

That's a bodyguard look.

Another thing.

If anybody mentions NATO,

say: NATO, No Action Talk Only.

That's pro talk.

Or Nato-rious for useless.
It's a running gag.

OK...

But what's next?

Finding you an office.
None are vacant. And a contract.

- You're not a bureaucrat?
- Not especially.

This won't be easy.

You'II head a "mission": an occult one.

Occult?

Invisible, undetectable,
proven non-existent.

Not part of the formal team.

Or we'II exceed our quota of advisors.

As for your diplomatic passport,

they're getting very fussy.

But where do I go right now?

To see the Head of Staff,
who'II say no to you.

- No, to what?
- To everything.

The Head of Staff? Maupas?

No, he's the Chief of staff.
This guy's logistics and stewardship.

That's administrative.

No, admin is something else.

It's geographic: Europe, Asia, etc.

Above are a feuding Policy Head
and General Secretary.

And also independent
non-geographic divisions:

Economic Affairs, Strategic Affairs,

Cultural Affairs...

Thanks. It's getting crystal clear.

Fuma? Any news from Mayotte?

Odile?

Feels better when things calm down.

A first: an advisor on my turf.

I'm "occult", Odile.

Act as if you can't see me.

That'd be a shame.

When can I see Maupas?
I don't know our position on this...

Are we pro or con
Germany in the UN Security Council?

A chocolate?

You didn't stress ecology enough!

Conglomerates get the subsidies.
Our farming is intensive...

Not exactly.

Blue and green boxes calculate
environmental compensations.

Can we talk about real issues now?

Know how many died
in the Ephron attack?

Sorry, can I see you
about the speech?

Sure, Arthur.
I'II call you as soon as I can.

Help yourself, Cahut.

Can I talk to the Director
of Strategic Affairs?

Yes.

Hello, sir!

I'm Arthur Vlaminck, I'm preparing
the Minister's Berlin speech.

He asked me to do that.
So there's two of us...

Yes... Maybe we should chat?

Got any talking points?

You available in 2 hours?

Who are you?
Where are you calling from?

Sir, about Germany...?

What's this crap about NATO?

By the way, sir...

"As French Minister
of Foreign affairs,

"it is my solemn conviction...

"that Germany

"must now have its place...

"a fundamental place"...

Have a cake, I made them.

You eat nothing.

Patricia, a cake?

Your predecessor
said the first draft was for martyrs.

Whose cat is that?

Mr. Maupas' cat.

Actually, his predecessor's cat.

And he kept it?

Yes.

With the furniture, the furnishings...

And his sneakers.

Can he call me back in 5 minutes?

Please...

Well...

Arthur, yes...

it seems very good to me.

When will you show it
to the Minister?

You should show it to him yourself.

He's very anxious to see it.

Good luck, Arthur.

Go on in, Mr. Vlaminck.

- Sir...?
- C'm in!

The speech, sir.

Thanks, pal.

You're way off.

A huge amount of work is needed.

Like mentioning
the Great Lakes conflict in Africa.

That's an explosive affair.

Everybody's dodging it.

But that's on page 10, sir.

We have to talk about it!

It needs structure!

There are 3 key principles today.

We don't stress them!
We all neglect them!

Responsibility.

Unity.

Efficiency. That's action.

But Germany and the Security Council...

Don't be like diplomats
with a broom up their ass!

You're above that.

Yes, but what do we say?

See Maupas.
But redo it from scratch.

The Great Lakes conflict
is on page 10. Didn't he read it?

Let's solve the problem calmly,
Arthur, huh?

Put the Great Lakes on page 1.

That way he'II be happy.

But...

Will he read it?

He reads?

It's better.

What about Lebanon?

- We must talk about it.
- It's on page 8.

We must talk about it.
I said: we need structure.

Legitimacy. Lucidity.

Efficiency.

You said: "Responsibility,
Unity, Efficiency."

In fact, that's what we're doing.

Take page 1, that's legitimacy.

Page 5 and page 6, are unity.

And the end
is the whole question of efficiency.

Yes...
No! Everything is on page 1!

After that your speech
goes round in circles!

It needs to pound things!
Hammer in the nail.

AII this is soft matter.

On Lusdemistan,
all heads of state will be in New York.

They're idiots.
With no time to think.

So:

Legitimacy!

Unity!

Efficiency!

Or it means war!

It's why we must let Germany
into the Security Council.

We should make a gesture.

The British are against us
on Lusdemistan.

You committed to it
with the Chancellor in Frankfurt.

Then we must back them.
If we committed.

But you also committed
to the Greeks and Slovaks.

We can't let
the Greeks and the Slovaks in.

Let's not back anyone.

What matters is the Middle East,
hence America.

Drop your European fricassee.
It makes no sense.

But you must discuss it
with the President,

if you're dropping Germany.

The President...

He called me 3 times
re a cultural attaché in Fiji.

At least talk to the Germans,

to warn them. Out of courtesy.

You're right, Claude.
Call them for me.

Thanks for your help.

Not at all, you did very well.

Is that bit about Germany true?

I'II eventually convince him.

The Greeks and Slovaks,
we'II see later.

So I leave that part blank.

But I didn't stress Africa.
How far can I go?

For that, go and see nice Valerie.

She'II give you
the good talking points.

While you're at it,

check what the other advisors
think of the speech.

It'II make their day.

I told the Minister
your thing was fine, to do you a favor.

In fact, there are problems.

Legitimacy, Unity, Efficiency.

Between us, it's hot air.
He wants concrete things.

And you overindulged
in the verb "to be".

That verb doesn't "speak" to him.

He likes active verbs.

Mr. Ambassador,

this file is a big mess.

On paper it looks very smart

to put pressure on the Jordanians
to get at the Saudis.

I too love 3-cushion billiards...

If everyone's playing on the same table.

They haven't been
on speaking terms for ages.

Even wart hogs know that.

So...

Dickie,
you'II have to redo your speech.

Mind if I call you Dick?

No.

Seriously, is what I wrote OK?

Seriously,
he'II make you rewrite it ten times.

So you might as well get cracking.

- Got yourself an office?
- Yes.

- Where?
- In the wing opposite.

The Germans are doing a wait-and-see.

The US, mostly the neo-cons, want a war.

The Brits, as always,

follow them like sheep.

The Lusde Embassy confirmed it.

You know, Arthur, Africa is special.
It requires physical contact.

But you, somehow,
figured out what's essential.

Your speech covers all the basics.

You just got here, and you're an ace.

Dunno, I just...

The Great Lakes, what did I forget?

Nothing.
You handled the Great Lakes very well.

What doesn't work is this:

that collar...

the rumpled jacket...

And your shoes.

They're weird and don't shine.

I brushed them 15 minutes
this morning.

Fatal error.

Diplomats don't use a brush.
They spit-and-polish them.

Here, form and content
are one and the same.

Your toecaps

should be my makeup mirror.

We don't work that way,
without head or tail.

A UN speech is a bigger deal
than a panty raid.

For the Middle East,
he'II consult me.

Or simplify it all,
and set off a new conflict.

The Lusdemenites are many
ethnic groups and religions.

Type that up and make 10 copies.

It stinks. It won't do.

What Arthur wrote is fine.
That's not the problem.

It's trying to cover it all in 10 pages,
in Arial 16, for the blind,

bold, double-spaced...

Cahut, you're an expert,
who knows all the bends in the river.

In New York,
I'm speaking to heads of state.

They won't tolerate that many clichés.

The African stuff is way off.

There are gaps,
errors, approximations.

On the Great Lakes conflict,

the truisms will cause smiles.

No truisms!
They kill a speech. You're right.

You should've consulted her, Arthur.

We must rebuild it from scratch.

It lacks structure.
I've told you endlessly!

1) Responsibility.

A crisis must be answered.

2) Unity.

No country can solve them alone.

3) Efficiency. Why?

Because our duty is action.

The world is interdependent,

so we must all act with the UN.

That's what matters.
The rest is bunk.

Sir, you're right.
Legitimacy, unity, efficiency,

and then we move on.

Claude, what do you say?

AII this stuff about action

and interdependence is fine.

The most important thing
is dealing with Germany.

Germany is a partner, who we need

in the current situation,
like it or not.

And in every major one,
if you look carefully.

Absolutely.
In any event we'II back Germany.

Who, anyway,
will never get enough votes.

AII that is your slop to dish up.

Which is a great pity.

Europe shouldn't be run
by sordid usury schemes,

board of directors' ploys,

bureaucrats fretting over fish stocks
and raw-milk cheese!

Europe

must be a vision and symbols!

I totally agree. We'II deal with it.

You see,

I said your speech was headed
for multiple rewrites.

You can spread the pages
in your new office.

That is bigger than mine!

Dumontheil's a weirdo!

I showed her the speech:
she OK'd it all.

Demolishing you
in front of the Minister,

is a way of screwing with you.

I'm serious.
That's ministerial sex life.

You'II get to enjoy it too.

When you shaft someone,
you don't mean any harm.

It's an amorous gesture.

And if they're good,
they'II shaft you right back.

It's like a caress,
you're making love...

Ream my little triangle

Tweak my dewy rosebud

lt's time for jingle-jangle

l'm longing for a stud

Those tufts you love to crimp...

I tell you, you'II get to like it.

Fondle that little shrimp...

The usher downstairs is cool.

- Here.
- Thanks.

Hey, your new office is nice.

A bit messy, but...

Got a secretary? What's she like?

Virile. He's a guy.

He said here dirty tricks

are how they make love.

Really?

If you do her, will she become nice?

Introduce us. I'II know if she's cool.

The guy who told me that
sang a crazy song to me...

When they stuff my...

No...

My peninsula needs reaming

Guess what's hot and steaming?

L'm longing for a stud...

Not bad,

I'II teach it to my pupils.

Mr. Minister?

Arthur, where do we stand?

Coming along, sir...

I'd say plodding along.

I know how to fix your hodgepodge.

You know Hector Marlier?

The great poet. "Solitude Reversed".

We're friends. He'II call you.

He'II add some zip to your thing.

Go to it, pal.

You could've sung him that song.

Excuse me.

Mr. Vlaminck? Hector Marlier, here.

Hey, Hector Marlier!

Alexandre said you were in deep shit,

his words, and I could help.

I don't need glory, just trying to help.

Hector Marlier...

Check him on the internet!

No internet here.

Really? You have no internet?

Even my grade school does! In the burbs!

Nope, we're not allowed to have it.

We have our own communication
system operated by "Le Chiffre".

"Le Chiffre"? You in a Bond flick?

No, the number guys,
the encryptors, are down there!

Under the yard?

No, on the other side.

Under the garden.
Under the fountain.

Under the fountain?

They encode all messages
with "safe" algorithms.

Just for today,
here's what I got from them.

Every Minister here tried and failed
to get rid of this system.

It's an ultra-powerful union.

We're the only world-institution
without the web.

The Finance and the Interior
ministries have it... Not us.

My speech, corrected by that idiot!

Let me see.

"In darkness, peace never dies."
Hector Marlier.

"The pilgrim, ferryman to the future."
Hector Marlier.

Product placement!
He's quoting himself!

"On river banks, lie stranded hopes."

Marlier, you're reaming our rectangles!

Shit, how do I get out of this one?

It's a problem...

Just include a few of his quotes.

Like which? The pilgrim?

The pilgrim's fine.

Claude?

Can I help you, Arthur?

I have a problem.
A friend of the minister's.

At this hour?

Hector Marlier.

Yes.

I put two quotes from him at the start.

You're learning fast.

Re Germany, it's OK.
We're backing them. It's definite.

I talked to the minister again,

who had enjoyed his meal.

"One can mutate, restfully."

So Hector, what do you think?

Listen, Alexandre,

there are two texts in the text.

The part you wrote is excellent.
The whole beginning.

As for the rest,

your guy cobbled something

out of his "unity, efficiency" thing.
Lt's not like you.

Thanks, Hector.

About my Legion of Honor medal?

You got it?

Take the second part of the speech,
cut out all the fat.

AII we need is sinew,
tendons and nerve tissue.

The opposite of mutton stew.

- "Attitude". Add an "s".
- Where?

There. "Attitudes."

An extra crease.

It's not an extra one.

It's the cut of the pants.

Should I wear this or that?

That's prettier.

But I like red.

You look great.

Very good. It's less dicky!

Unity. Efficiency.

Hello, Arthur.

Don't expel the Jingoulou family!

We need more parent support.

- They're grandparents?
- Yes.

Let's get moving:
we've got lots to do today.

The Minister wants
a statement on Turkey fast.

As it's Wednesday,
we'II try to find

a quick question that'II suit the House.

Yesterday no lunch:
the Bahrain question.

It's getting to be a pain.

By now
our fabulous Parliamentary attaché

will have convinced a deputy
to ask a question.

It's all the majority is good for.

Hi!

So, Miss Normandy,
how many did you wow?

Cut out the Miss Normandy crap!

Were you actually Miss Normandy?

Find a new gag, OK?

I got you a sucker
for your Turkey question.

Here we go, no lunch again.

And tomorrow we'II have the Senate.

So who's the stooge of the day?
Maxime Dubos?

No, the majority had qualms.

I did better, I found you

a bonus gift...

A Commie, Jacques Duferrand.

Communists are easy to convince.
They adore Taillard.

Stéphane, give us ideas
for the Minister's reply,

and Arthur you polish it all,

on a single

A5 card.

The way he likes it.

I'm due back at the bar.
The House's hotspot.

Duferrand agreed to ask the question,

but wants it written out.
Who's the lucky guy?

Arthur!

Since you're writing the answer,

write the question.

Punch it up a bit, so it rings true.

It's time we quit playing this game,

where the same guy, mostly me,

writes the question and the answer.

First it makes a sham of democracy,

and it's also starving us.

In my tiny attic office,

and I mean tiny,

you can't get in a sandwich.

Even a "club", a thin, triangular one.

AII club sandwiches are triangular.

See, I've forgotten.

Glad I finished the speech last night.

Well, don't be too optimistic.

This morning,
he called Jean-Paul Brizon.

His philosopher pal,

"Resilience in the Projects",

the concept he peddles
in every flavor on TV.

Now we'II get swamped with "resilience".

I don't know what it means,
but we'd better be ready.

"Resilience in the Projects"

is sheer vacuity, pure mush.

Trendies call it "Soft knowledge".

Quit ladling this soppy stuff.
We've had it to here.

The question was feeble.
The answer got by.

On paper. But not orally.

You've never spoken in the House!

Your words don't fly.
They stay grounded.

Look at the Mayor of Paris,

he needs no notes, his words fly.

Excellent statement, Minister.

Orally, you're the best.

Thank you, Bruno.

What did I say?

"A fool who must orate
is frozen with fear."

Tell the Emir, he should "be aware of"
French expertise in radar.

Say his kingdom will play
a leading role in the Middle East.

You know that our radars are the best.

Your kingdom would greatly benefit
from France's expertise.

Your area can't depend
on the United States.

You're bogging me down
in pissass stuff!

I'm not an arms dealer!

I'm breaking my butt for peace.

You make me peddle guns

Iike neckties or dildos!

Please translate exactly
what the Minister said!

Mr. Minister,

if we don't regain a foothold there,
all your fine speeches...

This isn't to do with speeches!

It's politics!

Shit! Your bullshit made me hang up!

Martine, call back that idiot!

Sorry.

Martine! I haven't got all day!

They're not picking up.
I can't force them to.

Listen, pal. I was setting up
the basics of our negotiation.

That's been done.
So now you're in charge.

Stuck in your goo.

Arthur, what's with this speech?

We must discuss
the Israel-Palestine roadmap.

In Lusdemistan the Brits are...

It's better!

There, we should hone a few things

on the Lusdemistan crisis.
And emphasize...

So emphasize, Cahut! It's urgent!

Last week's work
can't wait until tomorrow.

I have to do it all myself.

Your fantasy speeches
will kill me.

In this lowly world,
don't settle for comfort.

Urgency is the backbone of action.

Alexandre,

we have a rather urgent problem.

Can I see you a minute?

Not your Germans again?

A ship manned by our guys
is burning in Lusdemistan waters.

With 200 tons of fuel in the hold.

Our ambassador says the ship
is drifting to Lusde.

4 million inhabitants. Ready to explode.

Are terrorists involved?

No, it seems to be a dumb human error.

Dumb? Couldn't they have
done it off Corsica!

AII the Neocons want is

an incident in Lusdemistan
to send in their Marines.

We can't let World War III
be started by a cigarette!

Let's concentrate.

We must regain control of that ship.

You must alert the President.
And the Minister of Defense.

Shit, not her!

I'II make a few phone calls.

We have operatives in the area.
I know them well.

Is something wrong?

You know what'II happen.
After your phone call,

the Defense minister
will want to take over.

She'II make waves
and complicate matters.

We'd better handle this tactfully.

You know her.

Only press conferences interest her!

Make a deal with her.

Let her do the communicating,

if she gives us a free hand
for one hour.

If I haven't controlled it by then,
she can take over.

Let that dodo do the communicating?

I need an hour without interference.

The US State Department,

anyone want to chat with them?

Before advising the US,

Iet's talk
to the Lusdemistan ambassador.

I have some info,

but I must see you alone.
They need an answer in 10 minutes.

This is a decisive moment
where the cabinet

needs the help of the administration.

Bertrand Castela, Strategic Director.

Maybe you don't know,

but a ship's on fire
off Lusdemistan.

But don't worry, I'm monitoring

the situation very closely.

Listen, what would really help me,

is if you did nothing for the next hour.

I need to concentrate a bit.

Meanwhile, try to move
forward on other issues.

Between us, there's no lack of them:

There's Turkey,

the Great Lakes conflict,

the West Bank,

the Seychelles' tuna fishermen,

the anchovy war with Spain.

If someone handled
the Maronite Patriarch

for me for one hour...

Who...?

Valerie maybe?

The Maronite Patriarch?

Thanks, Claude. Just what I needed.

Odile, put me on the encrypted line.

Make sure no one
sets foot in this office.

Arthur, you dodging me?

Sing us that song? How does it go?

The triangle and the rosebud?

Ream her little triangle

Tweak her dewy rosebud

Huh, Valerie? Tweaking the rosebud?

I just adore macho ribaldry!

With you, France is in good hands.

Try harder,
and you may reach puberty!

Don't be miffed at me.

If it's because
we disagreed on that speech...

You can do better.

I showed it to you:
you said it was perfect.

Listen,

"Water that boils, never forgets."

Gabonese proverb. Think it over.

You people OK? Not overworked?

Racing your motors? Don't burn out!

Come, Arthur!

Claude, where do we stand?

We're at the controls.
I hope we make it out of this shit.

That's all I can say.

Yes?

Robert... So it's all up to you now...

The problem is,
it takes retroactive homothetics.

Arthur,
I want a press release on that.

We made a deal
with the Ministry of Defense!

We can't let those creeps get
the credit, when we do the work!

It's still pretty fucking explosive.
We need to be cautious.

Yes, Bernard.

How are you doing?

- Arthur?
- Mr. Minister?

Is my speech to the Grad school good?

Yes, sir.

You see how things happen. Here! Now!

One needs an innate
sense of action, of urgency.

Talleyrand's days are over.

Today diplomacy isn't
done in palace backrooms.

Where they pissed in the stairwell!

It means being ever ready
for world crises.

We must say that.

Sir, the Danish Foreign Minister
awaits you.

Shit, I have to deal with that Dane!

This job is pure crap!

Him and his bicycle.
We've got nothing to say.

You should meet with him.

He's important:
he has clout in Brussels.

Yesterday I had the Slovenian!

Claude, my boy, do your best.

What a dumb language!

Hello, Stanislas... Yes.

How long will it take?

- Is he in?
- No, no! Mr. Castela!

- He's busy?
- Yes.

Odile, come in.

My counterpart at Defense

was shocked he wasn't told.

As no one's informing us...

You're essential to this whole affair.

I'II inform you first,
as soon as I hear.

Odile, please.

It can be sent now.

Thanks.

Claude, we're headed for a disaster!

The Minister's father
is here to see you.

Say I'm in a...

Attorney, what a nice surprise!

Where is my son?

With the Dane, Attorney.

Not "Attorney", Claude.

I said call me Antoine.

Yes, sir.

Tell me...

the kid's speech in New York,

will it be original at least?

Because we have

many flaws in our family,
but we've never

Iacked guts or originality...

He mustn't spout
technocratic mishmash,

especially in New York.

It was there, in the Hotel Astor,
that De Gaulle said:

"I applaud New York,

"the center of exchanges

"between our old, yet young, continent

"and your New World,

"which is already old
in the history of mankind."

Our old continent...

That took guts.

No, no...

Leave the details

to the bureaucrats.
Right, Claude?

Listen,

I wanted to be of more help
on this New York business.

But you'II have to figure it out
yourselves.

I'm less listened to these days,

I'm shriveling up,

disappearing,

swept away in the shipwreck
of old age.

But I'm with you...

Inside us all,
is an old man fiddling on.

Thank you, sir.

Where's my boy?

Put Stanislas back on.

You OK, Claude?

The ship's nearing the coast.
We may not make it.

Listen, I need 5 minutes
without a single soul.

I'm sorry, sir...

I'II pick them up for you.

I'II put them back in order.

There...

It's weird, I can't find page 4...

Take your time,
we're not managing any crisis here.

We're totally cool.

There it is...

The war can wait.

That'II do.

There.

Well, where do we stand?

I'm waiting for news.

In 2 days, I leave for Berlin
and for New York in a week.

A week means tomorrow!

Those speeches just won't do!

I won't spout techno-junk
even to grad students.

I'II look ridiculous! This job is crap!

And the New York speech is worse.

That's where,

in the Hotel Astor, De Gaulle said:

"I applaud New York,
the center of exchanges..."

Take it.

19 degrees,

21 minutes...

You want my death?

This highlighter doesn't work.

Martine! Tell me:

why buy me highlighters
that don't work?

Look, the felt tip is mushy.

This crisis
could become World War III.

I can't face the U.S. State Department
with a mushy highlighter!

You said you'd rewrite
the speech yourself.

So I bought you a brand new pen.

A "Roller Tendol", fine point, No. 3.

Martine you understand nothing

about writing.

It's gathering.

Like a bee from many flowers.

For that one needs a highlighter.

Don't trust eggheads with leaky pens.

They write crap.

One has to see things clearly.

By highlighting!

We can't let the Lusdemenites
intercept that ship,

or our Ministry of Defense
send in their louts.

To the Lusdemenites,
it'II be an act of war.

Look at this:

you can tell this book's a dud.

No highlighting.

Here, I highlighted the whole book.

Now that's a good book. Heavy!

Full of hard concepts.

AII yellow now.

To know if a book's any good,

I hardly read it,
I highlight it intuitively.

Know the problem?

Your worn highlighters!
The yellow ink trickles out.

See, when I highlight,
the paper gets wavy.

The better the book, the wavier it is.

And that bugs me!

Arthur's Berlin speech...

It isn't wavy, not one bit.

That means it's lousy!

I'm managing
a crisis in Lusdemistan...

I came to see the Minister.

He's all yours, sir.

While the President frets
about a fugitive bear...

The ship was diverted from its path

before entering Lusdemistan waters.

Our guys got evacuated.

And the fire is under control.

We're lucky to have you, pal.

"If all things became smoke,
the nostrils would know them."

There's nothing.

Here you're quoted. 3 paragraphs.
The Minister of Trade gets 3 Iines.

"Tom Cruise"!
3 more than he deserves.

You saw?
Things are heating up in Ubanga.

It'II blow up on us.
Fine, we're not busy:

just a threat of war in Lusdemistan,
Palestine,

nuclear tests in North Korea.
Peace and quiet!

So in Berlin, what do I say?

That damn ship grabbed our time.
I'm bareassed.

Ship or no ship, I always am.

I'II have to start waffling...

Then what?

Vlaminck's a nice guy,

with his square-toed shoes,

but where are my talking points?

Who's he?

The minister's encryptor.

The guy under the fountain?

Le Chiffre, who encodes wires.

Why's he here?

He follows the Minister,
so we can send wires.

You send them often?

Never.

This speech has been force-fed.
Why Lusdemistan, if it's on Europe?

He wanted it there.

Learn to say no.

The Minister wants to see you.

Show me your goulash.

I won't read it on that thing.

I was integrating
your corrections.

It didn't start that way.
Where's the beginning?

Higher up.

Higher than what?
It's not on the screen!

No, wait I'II...

That's not it: it's lost!

You did paper-and-paste,
the machine ate it.

No, it's been saved...

You're useless on your gizmo!

What's going on?

An accident, it seems.

We can't spend all night.
Come, Arthur.

I do the work, you guys goof off!

On the plane back,
I want the new Grad speech

and the new NY one on the risk of war.

Go to it! Action!

Think the Americans loaf like you?

They're a team of 30 people! And I'm...

I'II do whatever you ask,
but I need an office.

Mr. Ambassador, you have a spare one?

Yes, Claude?

Not a great speech.
The Homeric metaphors fell flat.

Ancient Greece isn't big here.

A load of shit's hit the fan.

So, is it ready?

Sorry.

I had Maupas on the phone.
A hostage-taking.

Where?

Africa, the Great Lakes.
A reporter disguised as an NGO.

We advised him not to go.

Dammit!
I'm not the Good Shepherd...

rounding up his flock!

The guy was doing his job.
We must get him out.

Find me an office and a secure phone.

I still haven't peed all day.

Luckily, nobody
gave me a glass of water.

Your speech is ground meat!

Beyond its shelf life! It's old hat.

It needs depth,

historical references, heart.

Quote the great builders,
great unifiers,

Euripides, Montaigne,

Erasmus, Jaures,

Zidane!

It needs muscle, not mush.

Beware of the Germans' reaction,

who dislike any reference
to the Nazis,

especially if it's blatant.

Say the same thing, but more positively.

- No, that's no good.
- It isn't?

No, he sounds Belgian.

To me you've never looked cuter.

Jogging time.

Run! Grenade!

To upset the Russians,
slam the Iranians.

To upset the Iranians,
call them Arabs.

To raise hell in the Middle East,

bring up Lusdemistan.

The Americans do all three at once.

We're caught in the landslide!

- That's Cahut?
- Yeah.

The amazing one
is Maupas, Chief of Staff.

If I got it right,
when he says "Good luck, Arthur,"

it means "You're in deep shit."

"Bravo, Valerie" means
"Once more, you're fired."

When you're right, what does he say?

Nothing.

How does Maupas
stand the Minister?

To him, Taillard's
like a noisy upstairs neighbor.

Disrupting, but you can function.

Is he for a Palestinian state?

Nope, no oil in Palestine.

But Lusdemistan has tons,
so Taillard likes 'em.

Wait, you on a neocon payroll?

You must think

there are weapons of mass destruction

under Lusdemistan's palace.

Why not?

Under the bedroom is safest.

Why not?

Or under the bed.
Sleeping on a warhead is fab.

Does wonders for sex!

No, but really,

Taillard doesn't give
a hoot about oil.

Just between us.
He's a ham. Don't say he isn't.

I will.

He's the exact opposite.

An actor takes a text,
finds a way to say it.

But for Taillard,

I must find his kind of words,
or it gets dumped.

Goof, and the world's ablaze?

Sure.

You're cute.
He's not as sincere as you.

He's not an actor.

He's an anti-actor.

Does your anti-actor
make anti-decisions?

Can your anti-actor
do anything concrete?

- Arthur!
- Sir?

I want to be
on the 8 PM news tonight.

Latest, by tomorrow.

Re the anchovy-fishing war
with Spain.

I'm sick of idiots
clogging our airwaves.

It's a very technical subject.

Both sides are guilty,
we may trip ourselves up.

The problem is

the Prime Minister has screwed up again

with asinine and confusing comments.

We must elevate the issue.

People who watch TV

must realize we see this world
as it should be.

We must soar higher.

Anchovies aren't the problem.

The world's problem is fear.

It's all in here.

Heraclitus:

"Lightning rules everything."

That's a crystal clear statement!

Arthur, dig into it.
Make it a weighty argument.

It says it all. Lightning!

I don't get this anchovy war.

The French said their fishermen
were oceanographers?

By-passed the anti-fishing rules?

It's a load of crap.

It's complex to explain.

At this point,
knowing our minister as you do,

if I were you,
I wouldn't be too technical.

Instead, can't you

find a few quotes

from Heraclitus

and cook up something
that sounds fairly normal?

Right.

"Among monkeys, the handsomest is ugly."

"Pigs prefer mud to clear water."

What?

As Heraclitus said,

anchovies prefer swimming
in Spanish waters

to ending up in French trawlers.

"Character is man's demon."

Character is man's anchovy.

"AII men wish for

"self-knowledge and good thinking."

AII anchovies wish for...

self-knowledge and good thinking.

How are we doing?

Go ahead! Enjoy!

I'II have to lay out the basics again.

But I won't highlight it all for you!

At random!

This one is for you:

"A fool who must orate,

"is frozen with fear."

Frozen! Like an anchovy.

"When present, they're absent."... OK.

"Men whose wishes come true,
feel no better."

Like fishermen. Bigger catches,

mean fewer anchovies left.

"Extinguish excess more than fire."

Hear what Heraclitus says?

"Extinguish excess more than fire."

Dear sir,

Iet me tell you this:

what's true for Spanish fishermen
is also for French ones.

We should reach out to one another.

Look beyond our interests.
Overcome our fears.

Control the fire.

There Arthur,
you lead into the fear that plagues us.

Each topic lets us soar higher.

Like Ignatius Loyola's
spiritual exercises.

That's how you rule the world.

With thoughts. By forging a vision.

It's a spiral.

No need to be a rocket scientist!

Bye, Marie!

We'II have a meeting
to go over our schedule.

We'II try and keep it
shorter than usual.

Let's start with today. 9 AM:

Bilateral with the Chilean.

They must be here, and have started.

10 AM Cabinet Meeting.

Everything ready?
The Minister's files up to date?

Yes, he got it all last night.

I meant to tell you,
I got a call from him.

It's always the same thing...

He wants to reduce his talking points:

the President wants them shorter
at the meeting.

Less than 3 minutes.

They're down to the essentials.

Make it the quintessence
of the essentials.

Focus on a few topics
that are hot in the media.

Only that interests them
in cabinet meetings.

No point in bringing up arcane stuff.

Then at 11 AM:
start of the Geneva sequence,

the NATO meeting.

There we must be super-prepared:
it may be tricky.

Wait! There's a lunch date
at 1 PM in his private agenda.

Molly Hutchinson,
Nobel Prize for Literature.

Are you sure?

That won't be possible!

Yes, it will!

It's in blue ink, highlighted.

Do as you please.

It's rock-solid.

Yes. Between us, Martine,

I know it's important
to lunch with a Nobel Prize winner,

but, anyway,
the Minister is a minister,

and the NATO problem is also

very important.

We have to tell him nicely
to postpone his lunch.

Shit, took me 3 months to set it up.

I wanted to meet Molly Hutchinson.

Is there a problem?

No...

So until 6 PM we're in Geneva,
then back to...

Arthur?

My talking points
for Molly Hutchinson?

You wanted talking points?

Get to work, pal.

Meeting a Nobel Prize winner,
what do I say?

I need brilliance, inspiration.

Or else, why make me meet people?

Yes, Alexandre,

this lunch is a problem.

As you know, there's the NATO matter...

NATO... Nato-rious, useless!

Yes, whatever you say.

But with this mess
in the Balkans and Kosovo...

NATO, "No Action, Talk Only!"

In fact, we're trying to figure out

how to switch your lunch
with the Nobel lady.

Not a chance!

Yes, but I thought...

Next Monday
you're seeing the Croatian,

we cancel that,
and replace it with Polly Wortington...

Molly Hutchinson!

Cancel the Croatian...

You're grabbing me by my feelings!

No way!

We've postponed the Croatian 7 times.

Tell you what: we cancel the Croatian

and we keep Molly Hutchinson.

I want my cards
before the Cabinet meeting.

I'm so bored,
with those idiots rattling on.

While they spout,
I reread my index cards.

You got me a highlighter?

- With a decent tip?
- It's on your desk, sir.

Ready for your next writing session.

OK, pals!

Action!

NATO shmato!

Arthur, keep this lunch

short and sweet.

We leave at 1:30 PM latest.

Sir... Your cards for Molly Hutchinson!

Mr. Minister...

I prepared you a NATO card.
Read it in the meeting.

I can't read that.

It's rumpled.
Like out of a swimming pool.

I'm not a lifeguard.

There.

Thanks.

Need anything else?

No, I'm fine.

Thank God the Cabinet meeting's over.

A whole batch of new laws.

Read them,
give them to an aide, whatever.

It's a pile of shit.

Otherwise, nothing to report.

The President re-briefed the PM,
who re-briefed the Finance Minister.

That dumb bear who bolted
came up again.

Other than that, same old shit.
It's pathetic.

But guess

who I'm lunching with?

I know.
We rescheduled everything for it.

Want to come?

If it'II help get your mind on NATO.

Why not?

Bravo for that Nobel Prize!

For once, poetry is in the spotlight.

With you,
they chose an all-round artist.

Let's say I try to keep my eyes open.

Your eyes open...
And your ears pierced!

Let's have lunch.

How did I get trapped?

You'II be fed!

To your Nobel Prize!

Your cards corrected, sir.

What cards?
Don't stalk me with that NATO stuff.

You have cards on me?

Not at all,

I don't need index cards.

I hate them.

What's this, the Jingoulou family?

Urgent?

It's a mistake, sir.

I have a first edition of Rimbaud's
"The Drunken Boat", I love poetry.

Your poetry, your sensitivity,

your power.

Literature is all about power,

the alliance of courage and cunning,

of the comic and the tragic,
the robe and the sword...

That matters,

and today one can see it clearly.

After 3 000 years of civilization,

we face the most troubled period
in human history.

Mankind is about to destroy Mankind.

Nuclear crises,

fratricidal wars...

And what do those hacks brazenly do?

Those wart hogs?

I'II tell you, Molly,

they write index cards:

dream up talking points.

They flitter around,
chat, listen, indulge themselves,

while war rages.

It's raging in the Middle East,
in Africa,

soon it may rage in Lusdemistan.

It rages all around you.

In you.

Hence in the world.

What really matters in literature,

what writers should say
before writing...

The sacred fire within you,

Iets you decipher the world
like a child.

Let her get a word in.

What do you think of all this, Molly?

That one must be consistent

with one's words.

I enjoy listening to you,

but why does France back
Total Oil in Burma?

It's like backing the junta.

They imprisoned a woman,

Aung San Suu Kyi,

who was lawfully elected.

There, Molly,

Total Oil,

the less oil they sell,
the better I feel.

If I wasn't trapped
in this diplomatic ruckus,

I'd write 5 books a year.

Writing! That's really living!

I see them all around me,

trying to snare me,

all those who are ruled by fear.

The enemy in politics,
as in literature, is fear.

It's the ploy of the weak...
The ploy of NATO.

Even in Turkey.

Yet...

Who delivers the words of wisdom
in Voltaire's "Candide"?

I'II tell you.

The dervish.

The Turkish dervish! Think of it.

Right, I don't understand why the US

wants NATO to intervene
in the Middle East.

You see, Claude,

I don't get it either.

NATO,

I'II die before I know why we need it.

I won't go to Geneva.

They can have their meeting

without yours truly!

Chatting with you
was more constructive

than being stuffed
with the war on Taylorism...

Terrorism...

The Taylorism of terrorism...

Arthur, take it down.

Remember, Molly:

what matters in literature,
is the sacred fire.

Malraux said:

"Only two things matter for mankind:
courage and culture."

You already have the culture.

You know, Molly,

inside us all,
is an old man who fondles on.

Fondles on?

You're the champ. You get the Oscar.

Misplacing the Jingoulous
in your cards. Not very wow!

You owe me another stab at it.

The parents aren't in France,
the grandparents are being expelled...

Say you won't forget.

Promise!

You should've insisted.
Your guy goofed.

You were too nice.
We'II get nowhere, like that.

Besides, he can ask him a favor,
it's no big risk.

Listen, Arthur and I
evaluate our own risks.

Anyway, there's only 2 choices:

his job will make my life hell,

he'II get home late,
cancel dinners and vacations.

Or I agree to share
my life with Tutankhamen.

He'II live with us, breakfast with us,
move into our living room...

And I make sure Arthur and I have fun.

Wait, I can't do everything.

Go to New York, save the Jingoulous,

attend diplomatic dinners.
At least one thing too many.

Yeah, going to New York.

About that dinner,
I only said it was iffy!

They'II be with wifey,
you the only bachelor?

I can't help it,
it says "with their spouses".

It's about cabinet unity.

Are we a couple or not?

Most couples who live together
aren't married!

They should know that!

There's a simple solution.

We get married.

So you can come to the dinner.
We have 2 weeks.

You're nuts.

Take me to the dinner,
then ask me to marry you.

"Wisdom: speak the truth,
act like nature."

3 days is 3 shirts, plus one.

3 ties plus one. 3 shorts plus one.

And my rubber ducky.

I'II pack a sweater too.
New York can be icy.

In this one,
you hardly see the holes.

Poor baby.
Then we can throw it out.

No, it's my favorite.

Is there any more room?

I still have

3 reams of paper.

There'II be a dozen
rewrites of the speech...

You're a VIP now.
Can't you get paper in New York?

It's not the same size.

Shorter and wider.

He could make me
redo the whole speech.

You figured you'd do it 15 times,
anyway.

3 days'II seem an eternity.

Don't worry.

Let's make them seem even longer.

Minister, any news on the runaway bear?

Reporters: the 8th plague of Egypt!

My friend Jean-Paul François.

Delighted.

He may get the Goncourt Prize.

I read your latest book,
"A World in Tears".

The last but one!

We've got some time.
We can rewrite it all.

Jean-Paul?

Sit down.

What bothers me is...

Is a vision... Sorry, thanks...

a too hasty vision of America...

The US is a rich, complex country.

Don't talk of US policy, but policies.

Or reduce all Americans to the neocons.

Lincoln, a Republican,
abolished slavery.

The US has many heritages,
a "double inspiration".

Sit down, Jean-Paul.

Like Baudelaire.

Jot it down.

Sir, it's a speech to the UN,
not a PhD oral!

The Civil War or New Deal won't fit!

Why not? You need History,

depth, to move people.

Americans must understand I love them.

Even more than they love themselves.

How could they?

30% eat in their cars.

Jot it down! We must say that!

Sir, it's not the subject
of your speech, you said so!

We're addressing 191 UN member states
on specific issues:

Lusdemistan, the danger of war.

Precisely. The speech must have heart!

Via a story, an anecdote.
Suddenly, wham!

We say we won't back their scam.

France won't commit
to Republican blowhards.

But you can't ram them head on.

It's a rich, complex country.
Each state is different.

Like Vermont and Kansas.
Take Iowa, for instance...

Where all U.S. presidential elections
start.

- Every primary.
- That's it.

"The Bridges of Madison County"
was shot there.

That's a unifying concept.

Got it? Get going!

Sir, if we change lines,
we should consult Cahut.

Cahut, fine. Call Cahut.

I hope I'm not invading
young Vlaminck's turf.

No.

Is he related to Vlaminck, the...?

Distantly.

A conventional painter. Too much sky.

Buckle up, Jean-Paul.

Mr. Minister?

Dear Stéphane, I asked Arthur
to mellow the New York speech.

Anyway, it's dense and lopsided.
It doesn't hit the mark.

Sit down, Cahut!

And buckle up.

I never do.

Buckle up.
We're taking off! It's a safety measure.

You'II become a human cannon ball.

We must hit the mark.
Tell me:

what precisely, offends you?

Sir, offends, no.

Anything you add,
will worsen the problem.

Like reading the Talmud to condo-owners.

These are the rules:
191 States, 191 Ministers,

191 speeches. Ten minutes each.

Precisely, every minute counts!

They must be weighty, deep...

Complex!

Watch your head...

Diplomacy is a bitch.

I hope there's no turbulence.
I get airsick.

No, not that!
It's off-topic and too long!

But he wanted it.
Damn, he's the one who'II say it!

Sorry...

The Lusdemistan bit is OK, no?

The analysis of internal imbalances?

Yes, it's simplified, but accurate.

And I know: I was our number 2 man
in Lusde for 4 years.

This speech's problem
is the tone: it's a monster.

Frankenstein talking
to Snow White's 7 dwarfs.

But what matters
isn't what's said on the podium,

but behind the scenes.

Impressive,

all that energy for a speech
nobody will listen to.

A wasted SWAT team. Bravo.

Thanks.
Your good spirits are contagious.

He could demoralize an anthill!

My wife is fed up with this crap.

You're lucky, you have no family.

Now I've stained my pants
with their damn mayo.

Seen "The Bridges of Madison County"?

Meryl Streep!

- Hi, Christian
- Hi, Sir.

Come, Jean-Paul.

- Where's Picasso?
- Vlaminck is slated for vehicle 2.

He can print in the car.
I need the text at the hotel.

Get in the front.

Thanks, I'm a bit nauseous.

Vlaminck can't go
in the 2nd car with me.

It's my place.
I won't share it with a cub-advisor.

The 3rd car's embassy,
the others full...

Stick him on the bus with the press.

Where's the bus?

A page is missing.

"The flutter of a butterfly's wings."

Is that to impress them?

Right.

The elevator makes me queasy.

Look at that, Jean-Paul!

I'm here...

They don't deserve to be in my speech.

Mr. Minister? There's a hitch.

Wait, Jean-Paul. Thanks.

Bravo, Castela. Nice start!

There's been a leak.

A reporter got a page of my speech.

And those slobs distorted it all.

I never had it.

He opted for the reporters' bus.

A speechwriter can't do that.

I didn't.

Why not hold a press conference?

- I was sent there.
- We have to redo it!

Because of you, or thanks to them!

Anyway, leak or no leak,
it was lousy, we had to redo it.

Let's get going!

Cahut! I want a clear summary
of the last 20 years in the Middle East.

Using simple words, for once.

Christian! Answer that asshole!

One paragraph, maximum.

Castela!

One scalpel-hewn paragraph,
on the role of the UN.

Get to work!

Jean-Paul will goose you.

So there's some brains up your asses.

Some complexity...

Arthur, you put it all in your blender.

Make sure it's watertight!

Let's do it!

Arthur, come. We'II go pee.

Sir, I didn't opt for the bus...

I know that, Arthur.

Arthur, one day

the President said something...

fundamental:

"In the lives we lead,
you do things as they come.

"You have time to eat, you eat.

"Time to fuck, you fuck.

"Time to piss, you piss."

Full stop.

Sir, I wanted to mention something.

A family, nice people,
are in trouble at my fiancée's school.

The Jingoulu? Urgent?

There.

Good old Molly.

It's all in there.

Stick it in my pocket.

I'II look into it.
We'II try, by and by!

So you have a fiancée?

I wanted to stress "horror".

No. You have 2 important words:

fear and suspicion.

Friends, we just got the news.

The US gave up unilateral action,
to go via the UN.

We won.

Hardly. They'II go to war,
but with UN approval.

I rewrite page 2
to congratulate them?

This means a resolution
in the Security Council.

No time to poke 'em
with a sharp stick.

We must applaud those creeps,
act phony.

Such pleasure!

Do we revamp the speech?
Not easy.

Not coming to the speech?

I get cramps at his speeches.
I'II wait in the hallway.

You're right. Take a nap.

And ask for a cushion.

For your records.

That was Frankenstein.

I told you:

heads of State are like
condo-owners, not philosophers.

Interested in the stairwell,
not the world's future,

wary you're out to get them.

The Americans scrubbed the facade,

dazzling us,
even if they blow up the city.

It's the pits for us!

They'II invade Lusdemistan
as they want,

but, worse, make the UN legitimize it.

While we wrote an ode to autumn leaves.

We've been sidelined.

- Exactly.
- Exactly what, Cahut?

No, our flatfooted speech
had one virtue:

it set out our position, our stand.

Now we drive in the nail:

we won't set one toe
in Lusdemistan.

I'II tell you:
contrary to what you believe,

we're a step ahead of them.
We drew a line.

On one side there's spirit, vision,

on the other, oil, vested interests,

the neocons.

You've read Tintin comics?

You read Tintin?

Remember them?

Why do you?

In Tintin, the stakes are huge.

The moon, America, black gold...

But Tintin is the rhythm.

One panel leads to another.

Reaching the right side,

you're led on.
Until the end of the page.

The bearded guy...

Capt. Haddock?

He trips on the pipes,

bumps his head,

jumps into the jeep...
On to the next page!

You can't help it.
And then...

On a whole page

is a rocket...

It's gigantic.

Red and white. 100 meters high.

We're doing the same.

A speech, people listen.

Take sides,

they soar.

They're facing the world.

I'm dizzy.
Get me off that rollercoaster!

It's not that, it's the Ghost Train.

Exactly!

The Ghost Train:

it scares you.

You're terrified!

In front of you, there's a nation:
the Lusdemenites.

Nuclear threats.
Want to ram them?

Not me.

The first thing I do,
is sit down at a table

and look the guys

straight in the eye...

Sorry to interrupt.
There's been a coup in Ubanga.

80,000 resident French nationals.

Get me Maupas.

We'II wake him up.

No, he never sleeps.

What's the time there?

10 AM here, means 3 AM there.

It's winter time.
6 hour difference.

With both on winter time,
it's not 7, it's 5.

No, 6.

Right now it's 6 hours.

- It's 5.
- No, 6.

Who cares!

Call him!

So it's 4 AM.

I've got him.

Things are moving fast.

Oscarville airport
is cut off by the rebels.

Lt's out of control.
L may bring you home sooner.

I'm leaving early.

"Wanderers in the night: sorcerers,
revelers male and female."

Right now, any excesses are possible.

The rebels
are marching on the capital.

The government says France
is behind it.

We can't stay out of it.

It'II blow up in our faces!

Had a good trip?

If it's Banshis versus Tanas,
it looks glum.

Off the record,
shouldn't we talk to the Americans?

Unless you already did having fun in NY.

At the UN.
But the UN's almost the US.

The US is out of it. They won't help.

In an hour, the media will attack us.
On Africa, they're specially dumb.

We should feel out the President.
This is about Africa.

By the way,

I spoke to him, he tried to reach you.

He's worried about the runaway bear,

right now.

It's still lost in our Pyrenees.

We can't wait for a bear,
to stop a civil war!

Sir, the President's busy
with the Canadian.

It's beginning to stink.

The Ubangans
are slaughtering civilians.

Get the President out of that Canadian!

He's on the line.

Mr. President,
we must put out a fire before it blazes.

Ls that Heraclitus?
L hear you're an expert.

It relaxes me

between two bear hunts.

Listen to me,

you want to talk Banshis versus Tanas.

L'm aware it's serious.

But how will it end?

Play for time.

But Mr. President, time is against us.

I know N'Bika,
he'II burn his country to stay in power.

To avoid a Rwanda-type genocide,

we must send UN troops
to freeze the conflict.

At once!

That means bringing in the US.
Bad timing.

It's urgent, Martine.

President N'Bika is on the line.

Paul, you know France
is a friend. Be lucid.

You want to set all Africa on fire?

We should evacuate French locals now!

Know what that entails?

Given the number of French,
we can't handle it.

Let's help those who want to get out.

Without making alarming statements.

Let's go to the House.
Try and calm them.

France must live up to its duty!

But...

Beyond our own citizens,

we can't ignore our historical ties!

France has a duty toward Ubanga.

That's why, under a UN mandate,

troops must be sent to Ubanga.

Soldiers will be sent to Oscarville!

President N'bika's faction

is holding anti-French rallies.

Ln Oscarville there are pillages,
looting...

To hell with their criticisms.

Me a colonialist? Let me laugh!

To lighten the mood,
there's some good news, sir.

Lusdemistan gave in:

they sent the UN
a full report on their weapons program.

The bad news is it's 12,000 pages long.

I glanced through it

Iate last night and early this morning.
It's interesting.

There's a bit of everything:

how to build a plane,
suras from the Koran,

Lusdemistan train schedules,
the price of museum tickets.

Probably even the recipe for apple-pie.

Armed strife has begun.

People are panicking.
And the UN troops haven't dug in.

We must calm things down.
Have an aircraft readied.

But the airport is under mortar fire!

I don't give a damn.
Have UN soldiers protect the airport.

We have to keep moving.

We mustn't fear the flame.

I shall enter the flame.

I'II become a flame!

Take it down, Arthur.

Keep moving, whatever happens.

Are you sure?

The door!

I came peacefully to Ubanga.

To solve problems, not create them.

Let me talk to them.

These people back President N'Bika.
I came to talk to him.

I'm ready to talk to them.

Sir, it's bad timing.
Get in your car.

You'II be safer in your car.

Let my car through.
I'm going to see President N'Bika.

STOP TAILLARD THE MICROBE

You got a cease-fire in Ubanga
after an eventful visit.

I met President N'Bika
at the presidential residence.

I also met Commander Bokolo
in Oscarville.

Both agreed to go along with us,

the only responsible path.

- I just spoke to Valerie.
- I know.

Yes, Mr. Minister.

I'II put him on, sir.

It's him.

Now we have a cease-fire,
we must mediate.

Yes. Mediate, Alexandre.

Banshis and Tanas live
in the nearby countries.

We must contact other heads of state.

No more bilateral stuff.

We stick 'em in a room
till they agree.

Enjoy, Arthur.

Very well, thanks.

Get me the Prime Minister of Zambara,
please.

Get me the President of Baruna.

I want to talk to Hercule Banzi,
in Kiruana.

How are you, Tabo?

Like us, you want peace in Africa.

"Weariness is
slaving over the tasks you began with."

Hi guys!
Your wives well? Holidays good?

AII set for Extra Vacation Time?

Let me tell you.

We've got the method.
Now we stretch the antagonism.

It's in Heraclitus. I highlighted it:

"They do not understand
that what opposes you

"is what you are for."

We need a handbook for crisis solution.

There's handbooks
for making friends, beef stew,

writing books, a ghastly thought!

Books one writes alone.

A clear handbook for crisis solutions:

a universal handbook.

Get on to it tonight,
while it's fresh in your mind.

"The aim is to improve
the situation of French citizens..."

I think it's fine now...

"... that they'II only agree to
upon reaching the solution."

"On the terrain, around a table,
under UN supervision,

"can we solve all conflicts..."

"and reach universal peace", OK.

"revive the fire of civilizations..."
Nothing less!

Your parents need a cease-fire.

We'II invite them both to dinner.

We lock 'em up
till they make peace.

Under UN supervision?
You'II need extra chairs.

You got the cheese?

Guess not.

I couldn't find a title,
so I called it "Anti-handbook".

They're not anti-fragments!
But fragments!

Neocons aren't anti-idiots.
They're idiots.

But Malraux wrote his "Anti-memoirs".

Was he an idiot or not?

OK, pal!

Keep at it. This is useful.

We're moving a heavy load.

I'm a big bearer
of good tidings in this office:

UN arms inspectors
may now re-enter Lusdemistan.

But things are sure to go
as wrong as possible:

the Lusdemenites will hide
their equipment bit by bit,

even if it's Lego pieces.

Inspectors will be shown empty rooms.

The US will make unacceptable demands,

Iike inspecting
all the king's underwear.

So it's under control,
and may explode any minute.

Don't say that, if one shot is fired,
he'II want to head there.

He'II charge in through the bullets...

I confirm that.
He's immune to danger, he's mystical.

He's become an African sorcerer.

Arthur, where do we stand?
We're off to New York in 2 days.

I'II put him on.

It's the Minister.

New York's in 2 days.
You realize?

We'd cut that in the old version.
Why's it back?

But the new one's already old.

The new-new one,
has bits from the old-old one.

Look, I did a summary of part 2.
On UN inspectors.

The old first one?
Weren't you rewriting it?

No, I'm concluding the 3rd part.

We must keep that.
Or we can't pick up there...

I found the same bit twice,
here and here.

Only twice? You're lucky.

Some idiot has stuck

"tweaking the rosebud"
in the bit on Lusdemenite religions.

And that line about France,
an "old country".

It's suicide. Help!

No, he definitely wants that.

Don't yield!

I know how badly he wants it.

Let him decide,
once we've done all the rest.

Come on, next!

Concentrate, everyone!

How must I tell you?

In Morse code?
Semaphore? Aramaic?

I don't want a speech.
I want to fly to the points.

No sentences,
you're writing sentences.

Don't wax lyrical.

Words.

Principles.

Facts.

We're talking
before the Security Council.

To the world!

What's going on?

It's to thank you.

For what?

They got a residence permit.

The family I told you about.

Your anti-actor scored points,
dunno how you did it...

Lucidity,

efficiency, fraternity!

Why didn't he tell me?

It makes me really happy.
Both things do.

It's soft.

Thanks.

Guys!

It's now or never.
If you have to lob a grenade, lob it!

Did you write that?

No! This time don't swipe my car.

You have a lovely scarf.

A gift from my first ex-mother-in-Iaw,
40 years ago. So I treasure it.

His first ex-mother-in-Iaw?
I don't get it.

Right now nothing's easy.
Watch your step.

A premature military intervention

would harm the international
community's unity

and undermine

the legitimacy of its action
and, in the long run,

its efficiency.

In this temple of the United Nations,

we are the guardians of an ideal,

the guardians of a conscience.

The heavy responsibility,

and the great honor which are ours,

spell out giving priority

to peaceful disarmament.

And it is an old country, France,

from an old continent like mine, Europe,

that tells you that now.

One that has known wars,

occupation,

barbarism.

A country that doesn't forget

its debt to the freedom fighters

who came from America and elsewhere.

A country which has always stood up

in the face of History,

and before Mankind.

Faithful to its values,

it wants to act resolutely

with the whole international community.

It believes

in ourjoint capacity to build

a better world.

I thank you.

Could Demosthenes have done that
with pebbles in his mouth?

He's called Pol Pot!

Where do we stand?

We must act, unafraid of the flame.

What idiots!

I enter the flame.

Dumb door!

I become the...

The flame!

Subtitles: A.Whitelaw

Subtitling: C.M.C. - Paris