All language subtitles for The Inbetweeners s02e04 A Night Out in London.eng

[theme music playing]

[Will] In case
you're interested,

at my old school
the day began with prayers,

followed by hymns and then
an inspirational reading.

Here it began with Jay

showing me
a pornographic video.

Right, watch this.

[music playing]

This is tame.
They're not even naked.

Oh, wait a minute,
is she going to...

Oh, my God, that can't be real.
That's got to be chocolate.

They should've got a bigger cup.

How tame is that, then?

-Oh, Christ, I'm going to heave.
-Jesus wept! Don't lick it!

-She's going to vomit.
-I'm going to vomit.

This is the best bit, look.

[exclaiming in disgust]

Is it possible to un-see things?

I don't like girls anymore.

You get a new laptop

and the first thing you did
was find that?

-[music stops]
-No, it wasn't the first thing.

This was the first thing.

[pornographic sounds]

You lot are such saddos.

That's it, we can't
carry on like this!

Carry on like what?

We can't spend another term
treading water,

being the same old sad cases.

-Well, I'm not a sad case.
-You just got called a sad case.

Look, we've got to do something.

What do you mean?

-Carpe diem.
-Go fishing?

Seize the day,
do something unexpected.

Reinvent ourselves,

show the girls and everyone else
who we really are.

-Reinvent ourselves as what?
-I don't know!

Literally anything!
Something cool.

We could start going clubbing
in London.

My dad won't let me
drive to London.

-Thanks, Si. That's the spirit.
-I could drive us.

-I got a car last weekend.
-[Jay] You've got a car?

You haven't even
passed your test.

Yeah, I have.

-You never mentioned it?
-You never asked.

Oh, of course, I forgot
that's the way it works.

We have to ask you
every single thing

that might have happened
in case it did.

This is brilliant, Neil.

Now we don't have
to drive around

in Simon's little bitch mobile.

Oh, right.
No more lifts for you.

If you don't have to drive,
will you come?

It's not the driving
I'm worried about.

It's more that
we won't get in anywhere,

won't get served and might get
robbed, stabbed or killed.

Bullshit! I go up to London
all the time.

When do you ever go to London?

All the time.
I went last weekend.

-I fucked some girl up there.
-[Simon] Did you?

-Where was that, then?
-It was in the Tower of London.

The Tower of London?

What did you do
after you'd fucked her,

cut her head off?

Showed her the crown jewels?

She'd already seen
the crown jewels, thanks.

-My bellend.
-Brilliant.

[Will] Reinventing ourselves
as clubbers

was a brilliant idea of mine.

Obviously, we wouldn't actually
get in anywhere,

but Simon could at least
give it a go.

-Go on, Si, please come along.
-But it'll be expensive.

Don't some of those clubs
charge 30 quid to get in?

I've told you, I know the bloke
who runs all the doors.

He'll slip us in.

And when that turns out
to be bullshit, what then?

-Hi, Simon.
-Carli.

How's your stomach?

Oh.

Fine.

Simon had really bad
diarrhea over the weekend.

Really bad.

We're going up to London
on Saturday, clubbing.

Do you want to come?

Sounds fun, we'd love to go.
Which club are you going to?

Um...

-Spearmint Rhino.
-Isn't that a strip club?

He's made a mistake. We're going
to one of the big ones,

one of the big cool ones
right in the middle of London.

-All right, which one?
-Um...

-The Land of...
-The Sound of...

We usually go to the Astoria.

And that's exactly
where we're going.

-Cool.
-I'm driving if you want a lift.

We'll probably head up early,
check out the shops.

A lift back would
be great, though.

No problemo.

So do you go clubbing
a lot, then?

Me?

-Yeah, you.
-Um...

Yeah, course.
Dancing on the podium probably

or up by the speakers, where
it's, if anything, too loud!

-Great. See you there.
-See you.

Great. See you later, then.

What did I tell you?
London and muff go hand in hand.

Fucking hell,
I'm going on a date with Carli!

-It's not really a date.
-I think it is.

-I reckon you're in there, too.
-Me? Why do you think that?

Because she touched her hair!

In body language speak,
that means she wants you.

In London on Saturday night,

there will be plenty of girls
round me touching their hair.

The pubic hair presumably.

No, their long...

No, yeah, their pubic hair.

[Will] Saturday rolled around,

and we were all
incredibly excited

about our night out in London.

Rachel, an actual girl
with a working face,

had asked me if I was going,

Simon got to continue
his stalking of Carli,

Neil just liked
being out in the open,

like a Labrador,

and Jay was up for some
more make-believe sex

in a tourist attraction, maybe
a hand-job at Madame Tussauds.

I had no idea how
we'd actually get into a club,

but I wasn't taking any chances
and wore my smartest shoes,

something Simon didn't do.

-Why are you wearing trainers?
-Because they look good.

I specifically said no trainers,

not if we want
to get into clubs.

-Everyone wears trainers.
-Jay hasn't got trainers on.

-I haven't got trainers on.
-You've got fucking flippers on.

-What size are they?
-Size eight, my size.

Yeah, Ronald McDonald called.
He wants his shoes back.

There's nothing wrong
with these, they're Italian.

[in Italian accent]
Hey! Where are my-a flippers?

At least you'll be all right
if you fall in the Thames.

Yeah, very funny!

Would it have killed you
to wear shoes to be safe?

Whoa, check out Neil's car.

-Yeah! It's shit-hot!
-I'd say half-right. It's shit.

[Will] But a rubbish red Nova

wasn't the main attraction
at Neil's house.

[doorbell rings]

-Hi, Katie!
-He's upstairs.

So how's things with you?

Yeah! I feel like I haven't
seen you in ages.

Neil! Your friends want to know
if you're coming out to play.

-Coming!
-Katie, do you like clubbing?

Can you stop staring
at my tits, please?

She must be on the blob.

All right? What do you think
of the car, then?

It's like a tractor beam
for fanny. I love it!

It's got a Piper exhaust
and a well smart body-kit.

My sister's boyfriend is helping
me do it up, he's a mechanic.

It must be nice for your dad

to have a man
about the house, Neil.

What does that mean?

It means,
"Does your dad suck him off?"

-No.
-But your sister does.

No!

-I mean, she might do.
-Oh, she definitely does.

Aw, nice Porsche
Engineering sticker.

I know. I put that on myself,

it's got to be worth
at least a hand-job.

How fast does it go?

Who knows?
I haven't got it going yet.

It's the first time
you've driven it?

No, it don't work.

It hasn't got an engine.

Dave's still trying
to find me one.

I thought you were driving
to London.

Yeah, so did I.

So how do you plan to drive
us up there without a car?

I thought I'd drive your car.

You're not insured
to drive my car.

Yeah, I wondered about that.

Well, Simon, you're going
to have to drive us.

No! I said no.

My dad will go mental if he
finds out I've driven to London.

He won't find out.

And even if he does,

you'll have far too many fingers
up Carli to care.

-Please, Simon?
-Oh, Christ, thanks a lot, Neil!

You need to be clearer
about things, I reckon.

Okay, is this clear enough?
You're a fucking idiot.

[Jay] Calm down! I'll get
some beers for the trip.

I can't drink and drive!

Course you can,
it's just a saying!

[Will] So Jay liberated
a few of his dad's lagers

and we were off.

The plan was simple.
Get to London, get into a club,

pull Carli and Rachel

and then return to school
on Monday morning

to find our credibility
at an all-time high.

Yes, I said it was simple,
not realistic.

Meanwhile, we can enjoy
the enlightening conversation.

Here, who would you rather fuck,
Will's mum or Neil's sister?

-Good.
-Oi, leave it out.

-Will's mum.
-Don't join in, Neil!

Neil's sister would have
the tighter snatch.

Leave it out.

Though Will's mum
has got huge tits.

-They are amazing.
-Thanks, Neil.

Neil's sister looks like
she'd be better at sucking dick.

-Like father, like daughter.
-Yeah.

I could see her going at it
like a dog eating hot chips.

Shut up, Jay!

I'd like to put my cock
in them both.

That's a touching sentiment.

I'll be touching
your mums sentiment.

That doesn't mean anything.

I'd touch her bum-hole
with my cock.

Nice one!

I've thought about it,
and I'd rather fuck Will's mum.

Are you sure, Neil?

What about your sister's
tight snatch?

No, totally sure.

Well, that's good, then.

Slow down a minute, Si.

Bus wankers!

[laughing]

Where did that come from?
Bus wankers!

I don't know,
it just felt right!

You could see their little
faces drop as they thought,

"We must be the bus wankers."

Pull over, Si. I need a piss.

I can't pull over,
there's a bus lane.

Please, I'm desperate, mate.

You'll just have to hold it,
Neil, we're late enough.

-[unzipping]
-[Neil grunts]

-What are you doing?
-[urine splashes]

-Are you pissing in my car?
-No.

-What's that noise, then?
-I'm pissing in a can.

What the fuck?
You'll get piss on the floor!

Don't worry it won't overflow.

I've got me chap's-eye
right in there,

so I can't miss. No problemo.

-It stinks, Neil!
-It don't want to stop.

What do you mean, "it"?!

Just stop pissing yourself,
Neil.

Quick, pass me another can!

That's not happening.

It's filled up to the top,
I've got to get it out!

Ahh! Shit!

My helmet!
I've cut it on the can!

I think it's bleeding!

Fuck bleeding!
Is it still pissing?

It stings!

Does anybody want to swap seats?

-I will.
-Not you, Neil.

Get rid of it, Neil.

[Jay] Aw, Neil!

[Will] So, high on the smell
of Neil's urine,

we headed for the bright lights
of London.

Look out, ladies.
Phase one was complete.

We had finally made it
to London.

And we even managed
to see all the sights...

Because Simon got us
totally fucking lost.

It must be somewhere round here.

I knew we'd get lost.
Thanks a lot, Neil.

Is it my fault
you're a shit driver?

I don't want Carli
to be pissed off if I'm late.

You need to grow some balls.

Why not pull over
and ask someone

where the club
full of clunge is?

I've got Google Maps
on my phone.

Should be able to find it
no problemo.

-Neil, you have to stop--
-Aye-aye!

-No, Jay.
-Go on.

Bus wankers!

[laughing]

-Why are you slowing down?
-I tried to say!

[brakes squeak]

-[Simon] Oh, Christ, Jay!
-[Jay] Oh, shit!

-[Will] Oh, no, they're coming.
-Shit drive.

Where?
Where am I meant to drive to?

-Anywhere!
-Oh, shit!

Anywhere but the pavement.

Listen. Sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, I...

Who's a wanker?
I'm a wanker, am I? Yeah?

-I'm sorry.
-He said he's sorry.

-I'm sorry, I really am sorry.
-[Will] He said he's sorry.

-I'm a wanker, yeah?
-He's sorry. He's really sorry.

-[window whirring]
-[man laughs]

I'm sorry.

I'd rather be a bus wanker than
drive that piece of yellow shit!

Oh, fucking hell,

-you two shit yourselves.
-What?

"Sorry, sorry,

I'm sorry,
don't hurt me, sorry."

-You got me fucking throttled!
-"Oh, sorry!"

-Oh, fuck off.
-Sorry I'm on the pavement.

"Sorry for my little shit car."

"I'm sorry I'm alive
and a bender!"

Just fuck off!

-Sorry, Si.
-[laughing]

"Sorry, I'm such a tit."

"Sorry, I've done
a poo in my pants."

"Sorry, my neck
is stuck in your hand."

[Will] Simon's a good friend,

but it's fair to say
he drives like a retard.

But eventually, in Chinatown,

just a few hundred yards
from the club,

we found
the perfect parking space.

Well, almost perfect.

I don't think I can park here.

We've been driving round for
an hour looking for a space.

This one's perfect,
let's just get going!

But it says we'll get clamped.

No, it's a weekend, isn't it?
Different rules.

I'm sure he's right, Si,
and no one clamps any more.

Please can we get going?

I really need to check my nob.
I think I've got a big problemo.

-Can you stop saying problemo?
-What?

It's not cool or funny,
it's just embarrassing.

Don't worry, Neil,
he'll say sorry in a minute.

-Maybe I should move it?
-Simon, listen to me.

Carli has agreed
to go clubbing with you,

that's a big step forward,

but in the hour it'll take
to find another space

she could have gone off
the idea.

She could be wanking off the DJ.

I doubt that's happening,
but the point is valid.

This is a great parking spot,
let's just get a move on.

We are wasting
valuable boning time.

Fine. Fine, come on, then.

Don't bother locking it, Si.

If you're lucky,
someone might nick it!

[Simon] Yeah, good one.

[Will] So, despite the odd
throttling and cut penis,

We made it to the club safely.

The girls even seemed pleased
to see us!

-Carli.
-Hi, Simon.

I wondered where you were.

-Did you? You're actually here.
-Yes.

You weren't lying
about coming, then?

No. Why would I be lying?

Don't know.
Don't know why I said that.

Great, we'll see you
in there, then?

Don't be a tit, just stand here!

-Are you joining us?
-Yeah.

Uh, yeah, I think so.

[man] Are you fucking
pushing in?

Uh, those arseholes pushed in!

So, great you're near the front.

Yeah, well,
been here long enough.

Suppose you have.

I just really want to get
inside and dance now.

Me too. There's something
very animalistic

about our need to dance.

[people yelling]

I think those lads are
throwing stuff at you.

Don't think so.

They're frustrated,
they want to get inside, too.

They're saying, "Let us in,

we've got bloody great
dancing ants in our pants!"

Get to the back of the queue,
you four-eyed prick!

Can I stand with my back to you?

I don't want them to think
we're together.

No that's fine.

[Will] Rachel had
the most beautiful

back of a head
I'd ever seen.

Now all we had to do
was get into the club.

-No trainers.
-What?

-No trainers.
-But they're new.

No trainers.

I'll see you in there
in a minute.

-[sighs]
-That's us fucked, then.

I take it you don't know
that bouncer, then, Jay?

What's this got to do with me?

I'm not the
one wearing trainers?

You fucking idiot!

I am totally in there.
Like totally.

Would it have killed you
to wear shoes?

We could probably make
another pair out of yours

and have enough leather left
to cover a sofa.

Doesn't matter anyway,
I've sorted it.

-I'm going to borrow some shoes.
-What?

-Hammerhead shark!
-Oh, no!

Look,
I'm going to level with you.

I am scared. London scares me.

The bouncer scares me
and that man really scares me.

Let's just put this one down

as another
character forming experience

-and go home.
-Come on, Will. It's for Carli.

She'll love it, it's romantic.

It's not quite Romeo and Juliet.

These are tramp shoes
we're talking about.

Excuse me, mate?

Mate? Excuse me?
Can I borrow your shoes?

Eh?

I want to borrow your shoes,
I'm trying to impress a girl.

Give me a blow job.

-What?
-I'll give you a blow job.

No. God, no, no blow jobs.
I just want your shoes.

-All right, 20 quid!
-Great.

And your shoes.

Oh. Of course.

[Will] Good old Simon.

I can always rely on him
to add

a touch of class
to proceedings.

In many ways, though,

it proved how much
he valued Carli.

Certainly more than
he valued his dignity.

-They're a bit wet.
-Aye, that'll be my piss.

Okay. Thanks.

I'm not saying
it was a dodgy club,

but you have to question

a door policy which says
no to trainers

but a big thumbs up to
piss-soaked tramp shoes.

[dance music playing]

But we were in! We had got in!

Yes! In the club!
An actual club!

Yes!

I've died and gone
to clunge heaven.

Aw, nice!

[Will] Well, this is
what we wanted.

This is it, the first day
of the rest of our lives.

It's one small step for a man,

one giant leap
for your flippers.

[laughing]

You won't be laughing when
we pull Carli and Rachel.

No I won't, because it
isn't going to happen.

You can spend your evening
talking to little girls,

me and Neil are going to find
ourselves some proper women

-with experienced snatches.
-Good luck with that.

Just so you know, I think the
Tower of London is closed now.

[dance music continues]

There she is. How do I look?

You look good.
From the ankles up, obviously.

Obviously. Where's Rachel?

Don't worry, she's keen,

I'm sure she'll find me.
Away you go, mate.

Wish me luck.

-Carli.
-Simon, you got in.

I thought you were turned away.

Will was being a dick
with the bouncers

and there was
a thing with my shoes.

They're out of ice.
Can you believe that?

Oh, Simon, this is Adam.
He's a mate of Rachel's.

-Oh. All right?
-Yeah, you?

Simon is an old friend
of the family.

Not just that, though.

-Can you smell piss?
-Yes. That's totally rank.

Must be the toilets.
We should move.

Yeah, good idea.

[Will] Meanwhile, Jay and Neil
headed downstairs to discuss

the nuances of sexual politics.

-She'd definitely get it.
-Most definitely.

What about her?
I think she looked over.

Nice body, frightening face.

You'd have to do her
from behind.

What about her?

Bit big, but then fat girls
are more grateful.

Check out the jubblies on that!

Oh, she'd get it.
Until it fell off.

-[Neil] Oh, please don't.
-[Jay] Please do.

Oh, no, she's given me a boner.

My cut's hurting
worse than ever.

I've got to go and check it out.

All right, but I might not
be here when you get back.

That one's giving me the old,

"I'm going to milk
your balls dry" look.

[groans in pain]

[Will] And in the toilets,

Neil had a very big problemo
with his cock.

[groaning in pain]

I had my own difficulties
in the cock department.

Rachel was sitting next to one.

Rachel!
There you are, found you!

Ready to put on your
dancing shoes? I know I am!

That's good!

Hi, I'm Will.

Dean.

So, do you come
here often, Dean?

I bet you say that
to all the girls!

[giggling]

He's got some chutzpah,
I'll give him that.

Anyway, nice to meet you,
but we're off.

What I'm good here, thanks.

Come on. It's getting a bit
crowded round here, isn't it?

Sorry, mate?

Look, come on, mate.

You've had a good run.
Believe me,

if I was in your shoes

and I saw a gorgeous girl
sitting on her own,

I'd have made the move,
but I'm here now, so...

So what?

So do the honorable thing
and step aside,

because I was in with her first.

No, you weren't.

Is he for real?
He talks like

he's from
a black and white film.

Yes, I was.
I stood with you in the queue.

-Behind me.
-Well, more beside you.

And you specifically asked me
if I was coming along tonight.

I have got witnesses.

Will, I think you've got
the wrong end of the stick.

Evidently! So is that it?

So shall I just go away
and leave you to it?

-Yes. Go away.
-Fine!

Fine! That's the last
you'll see of me.

Thanks, Dean.
Thanks a lot, mate.

[Will] I was starting
to go off Rachel.

She wasn't really my type.

Elsewhere, my friends
were faring no better.

-I can still smell it.
-It's following us.

Simon, I'm not being rude,

but I think that smell
might be you.

Right. These shoes
do kick up a bit.

Jesus, what the fuck
is on your feet?

These aren't my shoes.
I had to borrow them to get in.

Who brings spare shoes
to a nightclub?

No one. I swapped them with
a bloke outside the club.

What was he, a tramp?

I think you're supposed
to say homeless now.

Sorry, you're wearing
a tramp's shoes?

Mate, that is weird.

Yeah. Maybe.

-[groaning in pain]
-What's taking so fucking long?

Oh, mate, it's not good.

Get us some bog roll,
it's bleeding, look.

Oh, Jesus, put it away, Neil.

I can't. It stings when it
rubs on my pants.

Well, take your pants off then.

Then it'll rub on my jeans.

No matter what
your old man says,

you can't walk round London
with your nob hanging out.

What? I didn't do nothing.
I wasn't doing anything.

So she didn't see
the romantic intention

behind the tramp shoes?

Not immediately, but if that
prick Adam hadn't been there

it would've been different.

To be fair,
the smell is appalling.

-What happened with Rachel?
-Oh, the usual.

It was going quite well,

then she realized
I'm a massive dickhead

and she pulled some other bloke.

Right.

-It's shit here, isn't it?
-Yeah. Shall we go?

No, wait! I wasn't wanking.

Oh, great.

My cock's cut. My cock is cut!

[Will] So we were chucked out,
out the club.

The actual club chucked us out.

Exactly 25 minutes
after it started,

our life as cool London
clubbers was over.

So, what happened?

I don't know. I was looking
at the cut on my cock.

Jay was helping me out.

-Sorry, Jay was helping you out?
-It's not like it sounds.

'Cause it sounds like you were

watching Neil
wank in the toilets.

I wasn't wanking, I was just
rolling it round in my hands.

All right, spare us the details.

Aw, fuck. What if Carli's
getting off with that bloke?

Don't cry, Si. At least you
can get your trainers back.

-What?
-Fucking beauty.

[homeless man]
I'll have that, you bastard.

Oh, brilliant.

-How have you done that?
-What?

You've only had them an hour.

-Maybe he's been out?
-He's always out.

Right, that's it.
Let's go. I've had enough.

Standing sober in an alleyway

stinking of piss
and wearing a tramp's shoes

was not what I had planned
for this evening.

Out of interest, did you think

it would go better
or worse than this?

[Will] So the night
was over

and all we wanted
to do now

was get back in Simon's
shit car and go home.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuckety fuck fucko.

Oh, shit.

How much money
have we got between us?

No, you chose to park here.

Fucking hell, Jay. Will?

Sorry, mate.
I don't have any money left.

Getting in cleaned me out.

I think you'll have
to call your Dad.

It's one in the morning.
He's going to go fucking mental.

I told him
I was staying at Neil's.

Unlock it, Si. I'm freezing.

He loves you.

I'm sure he'd rather come
and get you than see you suffer.

Dad, it's Simon. Simon!

Don't panic, nothing's wrong.
Just calm down.

No, I'm not dead.

Well, if I'm dead,
how could I be talking to you?

-Oi! You owe me £200.
-I'll call you back.

Sir, as I am sure you're aware,
private clamping is illegal.

Additionally,
it is a weekend--

I couldn't get
my fucking van out.

I've just called my Dad.

I couldn't give a fuck.
£200. Now!

-I don't have it!
-[Will] We don't have it!

I want £200!
Can't you fucking read?

No fucking parking!

I missed
all my fucking deliveries.

-Carli. Carli!
-Give me my fucking money now.

I'm going to kill you unless
you give me my money!

Do you still want that lift?

-[man shouting]
-Um, no. I'm fine, thanks.

Great. See you Monday.

[man] £200!

[screaming]

I'm going
to fucking kill you

unless you give me
my fucking money.

[Will] So we had successfully
reinvented ourselves,

but not as the boys
who go clubbing. Oh, no!

We were now the boys
who freaked out girls...

Can you stop staring at my tits?

-...apologized a lot...
-Sorry, I'm really sorry.

...wore tramp's shoes,
and wanked in public toilets.

My cock is cut!

[Neil] I think you've got
a big problemo.

Please just shut up, Neil.

[Jay] Maybe you should try
saying sorry over and over.

-"Sorry for parking like a nob."
-[Simon] Just fuck off!

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