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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,000 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com - 2 00:00:09,651 --> 00:00:11,113 - Mr. President, sir! - Mr. President! Mr. President! 3 00:00:11,115 --> 00:00:12,778 - Mr. President! - Over here, Mr. President! 4 00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:15,903 Wow, is this coronavirus great or what? 5 00:00:15,905 --> 00:00:18,985 You get to work from home in your pajamas, watching TV, 6 00:00:18,987 --> 00:00:20,907 sweating down to your couch springs, 7 00:00:20,909 --> 00:00:23,790 coughing like you got three tennis balls in your lungs. 8 00:00:23,792 --> 00:00:26,552 What an exciting time to be barely alive. 9 00:00:26,554 --> 00:00:28,234 Okay, Pence, you're up. 10 00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:31,276 In troubling times, I find comfort in the Good Book. 11 00:00:31,278 --> 00:00:32,598 Bored. Okay. 12 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,399 I assume there aren't any questions. 13 00:00:34,401 --> 00:00:36,441 What can the American people do to stay safe? 14 00:00:36,443 --> 00:00:38,963 First, stop voting for Joe Biden in the primaries. 15 00:00:38,965 --> 00:00:40,605 Those ballots are Petri dishes. 16 00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:43,047 And second, wash your hands thoroughly like I do, 17 00:00:43,049 --> 00:00:44,888 by scrubbing them in freezing-cold water 18 00:00:44,890 --> 00:00:46,690 long enough to recite your screaming match 19 00:00:46,692 --> 00:00:49,012 with Tony Little at the Palm in '92. 20 00:00:49,014 --> 00:00:50,614 Have you been tested for the virus? 21 00:00:50,616 --> 00:00:52,415 No need. Sure, I've shaken hands 22 00:00:52,417 --> 00:00:54,497 with several dozen people who are now quarantined, 23 00:00:54,499 --> 00:00:56,899 but the surgeon general gave me a pregnancy test 24 00:00:56,901 --> 00:00:58,341 and said I'm in the clear. 25 00:00:58,343 --> 00:01:00,422 Side note... Until the threat has passed, 26 00:01:00,424 --> 00:01:02,825 the CDC is advising people to avoid shaking hands 27 00:01:02,827 --> 00:01:04,346 or checking their 401s. 28 00:01:04,348 --> 00:01:05,827 Are you at all worried that the outbreak 29 00:01:05,829 --> 00:01:07,549 will further destabilize the markets? 30 00:01:07,551 --> 00:01:10,631 Hello, the markets are supposed to jump up and down. 31 00:01:10,633 --> 00:01:12,433 That just means they're excited! 32 00:01:12,435 --> 00:01:16,196 And now my treasury secretary will put your mind at ease. 33 00:01:16,198 --> 00:01:17,998 Don't worry. We're doing a tax cut 34 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,440 to help all the average Americans out there, 35 00:01:20,442 --> 00:01:22,802 from the guy who operates my private elevator 36 00:01:22,804 --> 00:01:25,605 to the gal who pumps pig fat into my wife's forehead. 37 00:01:25,607 --> 00:01:27,847 Whoo! Now we're having fun! 38 00:01:27,849 --> 00:01:30,409 Oh, by the way, I know a lot of festivals are shutting down, 39 00:01:30,411 --> 00:01:32,371 so I'm proud to announce that I'll be hosting 40 00:01:32,373 --> 00:01:34,813 my own Coachella on the South Lawn! 41 00:01:34,815 --> 00:01:36,975 Mark McGrath is a hard maybe. 42 00:01:36,977 --> 00:01:38,697 When can we expect a vaccine? 43 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,979 As soon as we figure out a way to funnel all the money 44 00:01:40,981 --> 00:01:43,261 we funneled out of the CDC back into it. 45 00:01:43,263 --> 00:01:44,742 Alright, I think we're good here. 46 00:01:44,744 --> 00:01:48,385 Ted Cronaviruz! 47 00:01:48,387 --> 00:01:51,708 A sewage pipe burst at my place, so I'm quarantining here! 48 00:01:51,710 --> 00:01:54,110 Hey, look! Coronavirus gets you so sweaty, 49 00:01:54,112 --> 00:01:56,713 you can shake yourself dry like a big, fluffy dog! 50 00:01:58,356 --> 00:01:59,755 Okay, apocalypse time. 51 00:01:59,757 --> 00:02:00,996 Every man for himself. 52 00:02:04,361 --> 00:02:07,322 Oh, thanks for nothing, assholes! 53 00:02:13,370 --> 00:02:16,130 Beautiful Camp David, USA. 54 00:02:16,132 --> 00:02:19,013 Tons of amenities... a world-class golf course, 55 00:02:19,015 --> 00:02:21,014 two pools clogged with my body hair, 56 00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:23,016 and a trampoline with a big hole ripped through it 57 00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:24,538 that was like that when I got here. 58 00:02:24,540 --> 00:02:26,860 Perfect place for a G-7 summit. 59 00:02:26,862 --> 00:02:29,822 Pompeo here will fetch you anything you need. 60 00:02:29,824 --> 00:02:31,704 I am thrilled to be a part of this historic, 61 00:02:31,706 --> 00:02:33,866 fun-tastic weekend in the great outdoors. 62 00:02:33,868 --> 00:02:35,667 I'd say the only thing that could make this 63 00:02:35,669 --> 00:02:37,629 even more historic is if we let... 64 00:02:37,631 --> 00:02:39,070 - No. - Let me finish. 65 00:02:39,072 --> 00:02:40,672 - If we let Russia... - No. 66 00:02:40,674 --> 00:02:41,833 Let me finish, damn it. 67 00:02:41,835 --> 00:02:45,129 If we let Russia re-join the G-7! 68 00:02:45,131 --> 00:02:46,197 - No. - No. 69 00:02:46,199 --> 00:02:47,758 We voted Russia out of the summit 70 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,401 back in 2014 with the support of Barack Obama. 71 00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:52,322 But nothing Obama did really counts, 72 00:02:52,324 --> 00:02:53,724 except for when he wrecked the economy 73 00:02:53,726 --> 00:02:55,645 and mugged that lady in Central Park. 74 00:02:57,769 --> 00:03:00,490 Ugh. I'm so bored, I'd rather wait in the car 75 00:03:00,492 --> 00:03:02,331 while Melania gives birth again. 76 00:03:02,333 --> 00:03:04,173 They'll never understand guys like us... 77 00:03:04,175 --> 00:03:07,696 cool, buff, mercilessly powerful underdog outcasts. 78 00:03:07,698 --> 00:03:09,858 Come hang here! It's me, Assad, 79 00:03:09,860 --> 00:03:12,460 Bolsonaro, MBS, and Erdogan. 80 00:03:12,462 --> 00:03:14,422 We're gonna carve up a globe like a watermelon. 81 00:03:14,424 --> 00:03:17,331 I can't. These G-7 squares will yell at me. 82 00:03:17,333 --> 00:03:18,906 Alright, suit yourself. 83 00:03:18,908 --> 00:03:21,548 Hey, use the bathroom upstairs. The one down here is tricky. 84 00:03:21,550 --> 00:03:22,950 Putin? 85 00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:24,911 Okay, gotta go. 86 00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:27,193 You're right. I would beat Dog the Bounty Hunter 87 00:03:27,195 --> 00:03:29,676 in a bare-knuckle boxing match. Bye. 88 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,359 While Trump is off stickin' it 89 00:03:33,361 --> 00:03:35,121 to those pro-world-peace globalists, 90 00:03:35,123 --> 00:03:37,242 I'm planning the Republican National Convention. 91 00:03:37,244 --> 00:03:39,044 All we need is a kickass speech 92 00:03:39,046 --> 00:03:40,766 introducing the President courtesy of... 93 00:03:40,768 --> 00:03:44,089 Thank you, but I really speak for women everywhere... 94 00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:45,530 - Don Jr. - Haha. 95 00:03:45,532 --> 00:03:46,931 Got your ass, Ivanka. 96 00:03:46,933 --> 00:03:48,132 You sure did, champ. 97 00:03:48,134 --> 00:03:50,054 What? He's not the champ. 98 00:03:50,056 --> 00:03:52,856 - I'm the champ. - Not according to the polls. 99 00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:55,098 Whoa, a iPad. 100 00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:57,461 When we asked Republicans who they'd most likely support 101 00:03:57,463 --> 00:03:58,702 in a future presidential run, 102 00:03:58,704 --> 00:04:00,743 the overwhelming answer was Don Jr. 103 00:04:00,745 --> 00:04:04,227 Him? But I'm America's unimaginably wealthy sweetheart. 104 00:04:04,229 --> 00:04:05,868 Blue-collar voters just don't trust 105 00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:08,751 someone who has never drunk-driven a riding mower to work. 106 00:04:11,515 --> 00:04:14,596 I should've known this G-7 would be a bunch of cliquey leaders 107 00:04:14,598 --> 00:04:17,118 gossiping about the economic fate of the world. 108 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,560 A destabilizing pandemic like coronavirus 109 00:04:19,562 --> 00:04:22,243 makes the world more vulnerable to authoritarianism. 110 00:04:22,245 --> 00:04:23,804 Hello? I'm right here. 111 00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:26,967 It's no Eton Dining Castle for Hungry Little Rich Boys, 112 00:04:26,969 --> 00:04:28,488 but I quite like it here. 113 00:04:28,490 --> 00:04:30,490 Back in London, everyone always complains 114 00:04:30,492 --> 00:04:33,613 my ideas are a stepping stone to ethnic cleansing. 115 00:04:33,615 --> 00:04:35,815 That never happens to me where I'm from. 116 00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:37,496 I wanna go home. 117 00:04:37,498 --> 00:04:39,538 Why don't you go back to Washington, then? 118 00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:43,101 Everyone will think I'm a big baby, and I'm not. 119 00:04:43,103 --> 00:04:45,784 I'm not a baby, Boris. 120 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,906 Cheer up, you git. Aren't you excited 121 00:04:47,908 --> 00:04:51,108 for the big rip-roarin' G-7 luncheon tomorrow? 122 00:04:51,110 --> 00:04:54,071 Well, I like lunch, but luncheon? 123 00:04:54,073 --> 00:04:57,034 I don't know, sounds kinda Jewish. 124 00:04:58,837 --> 00:05:02,318 My father, and our next president, 125 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:05,161 Donald J. Trump. 126 00:05:05,163 --> 00:05:07,083 Ivanka, I hate seeing you like this. 127 00:05:07,085 --> 00:05:08,762 You look like you just overheard one of the kids 128 00:05:08,764 --> 00:05:10,165 calling the nanny "Mom" again. 129 00:05:10,167 --> 00:05:12,728 I just can't believe that poll. 130 00:05:12,730 --> 00:05:14,209 I was destined to make history 131 00:05:14,211 --> 00:05:17,012 as America's first classically hot president. 132 00:05:17,014 --> 00:05:18,933 If you really want to compete with Don Jr., 133 00:05:18,935 --> 00:05:20,775 you'll need to do some research. 134 00:05:20,777 --> 00:05:22,340 - I found it wedged into the crawlspace - _ 135 00:05:22,342 --> 00:05:23,417 in one of my rental properties. 136 00:05:23,419 --> 00:05:24,738 We get a lot of destitute perverts 137 00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:25,980 living in the walls of those things. 138 00:05:25,982 --> 00:05:28,502 Ew, Jared. No way am I taking advice 139 00:05:28,504 --> 00:05:31,064 from a book without a picture of me on the cover. 140 00:05:31,066 --> 00:05:32,626 To compete with Don Jr., 141 00:05:32,628 --> 00:05:34,627 you need to start plotting your next move now. 142 00:05:34,629 --> 00:05:37,350 First the RNC, then the Presidency, 143 00:05:37,352 --> 00:05:38,791 and then I'll be the one 144 00:05:38,793 --> 00:05:41,874 giving the Saudis permission to use the bone saw. 145 00:05:41,876 --> 00:05:44,236 I'm not going to stoop to his level, Jared. 146 00:05:44,238 --> 00:05:47,479 Besides, half of Don Jr.'s fans will probably be dead 147 00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:50,653 from ATV jousting by 2020 anyway. 148 00:05:52,165 --> 00:05:53,724 What the hell is this? 149 00:05:53,726 --> 00:05:55,566 I've barfed up more appetizing meals 150 00:05:55,568 --> 00:05:57,528 onto my plastic dinner-poncho. 151 00:05:57,530 --> 00:05:59,089 Settle down, Mr. Trump. 152 00:05:59,091 --> 00:06:02,072 This is the German asparagus delicacy "spargel". 153 00:06:02,074 --> 00:06:05,975 Ugh! It reeks, and not in a good KFC-on-an-airplane way. 154 00:06:05,977 --> 00:06:07,577 Please, Mr. Trump. 155 00:06:07,579 --> 00:06:10,339 Such blatant cultural insensitivity has no place 156 00:06:10,341 --> 00:06:12,501 anywhere except a Halloween party. 157 00:06:12,503 --> 00:06:13,822 Get off my back, Trudeau. 158 00:06:13,824 --> 00:06:15,063 Boys, behave yourselves. 159 00:06:15,065 --> 00:06:16,585 Why are you yelling at me? 160 00:06:16,587 --> 00:06:18,322 I didn't even do anything, Mom. 161 00:06:18,324 --> 00:06:20,909 - I mean... - Oh, my God. Did you just call her Mom? 162 00:06:20,911 --> 00:06:22,150 Baby wants his mom. 163 00:06:22,152 --> 00:06:23,791 That's way worse than blackface. 164 00:06:25,315 --> 00:06:28,475 We want Trump! We want Trump! 165 00:06:28,477 --> 00:06:29,636 Arrrr, hmm. 166 00:06:29,638 --> 00:06:31,638 Cowl neck cashmere cardigan 167 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:34,561 consumed by fiery factory fire. 168 00:06:34,563 --> 00:06:38,004 Those dusty farmhands are going to lap up my soliloquy 169 00:06:38,006 --> 00:06:40,214 like whatever flavor San Pellegrino 170 00:06:40,216 --> 00:06:42,728 sells best at the local honky-tonk. 171 00:06:42,730 --> 00:06:44,009 We want Trump! 172 00:06:44,011 --> 00:06:46,812 Hello, fellow warrior queens! 173 00:06:48,255 --> 00:06:51,536 Joe Biden is a big, fat chode. 174 00:06:51,538 --> 00:06:55,339 He should legally have to change his name to "Chode Biden". 175 00:06:55,341 --> 00:06:58,102 But you know what I'm sick and tired of? 176 00:06:58,104 --> 00:07:00,584 Joe Biden always trying to change his name 177 00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:04,267 to "Chode Biden" on the taxpayer dime. 178 00:07:04,269 --> 00:07:08,271 Joe Biden will never understand the struggle of working moms... 179 00:07:09,434 --> 00:07:11,073 Let the boy one talk! 180 00:07:11,075 --> 00:07:12,435 Check out "Triggered". 181 00:07:12,437 --> 00:07:14,276 For sale wherever the truth is sold. 182 00:07:14,278 --> 00:07:16,638 And how about my GF Kimberly, 183 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,281 the most hottest woman onstage right now? 184 00:07:19,283 --> 00:07:22,564 These high heels are made from non-recyclable plastic. 185 00:07:22,566 --> 00:07:24,629 Hahaha! Oh, sweet! Head shot! 186 00:07:24,631 --> 00:07:27,088 Look alive, Jared. We have work to do. 187 00:07:28,891 --> 00:07:31,732 And so, the malnourished children of Burkina Faso... 188 00:07:31,734 --> 00:07:34,574 Hey, Putin, I'm not making friends at the G-7 189 00:07:34,576 --> 00:07:35,776 like you said I would. 190 00:07:35,778 --> 00:07:37,737 No one liked my Shinzo Abe impression. 191 00:07:37,739 --> 00:07:39,562 Be a brave little puppet and... 192 00:07:39,564 --> 00:07:40,660 Haha, guys, cut it out. 193 00:07:40,662 --> 00:07:42,301 Gaddafi gave me that sword. 194 00:07:42,303 --> 00:07:44,744 Sorry. The guys are letting loose after a long week 195 00:07:44,746 --> 00:07:46,785 of having their will enforced at gunpoint. 196 00:07:46,787 --> 00:07:48,472 Wish you could join, but y'know, don't want 197 00:07:48,474 --> 00:07:50,148 Justin Trudeau to be disappointed in you. 198 00:07:50,150 --> 00:07:51,349 Alright, bye... 199 00:07:51,351 --> 00:07:53,391 Wait, what if you guys come party here? 200 00:07:53,393 --> 00:07:55,033 I'll even let you borrow my military. 201 00:07:55,035 --> 00:07:57,169 You can invade Spain for all I care. 202 00:07:57,171 --> 00:07:58,596 Hmm. Let me ask the guys. 203 00:07:58,598 --> 00:08:00,838 Hey, Trump wants us to come over to Camp David. 204 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:02,559 Ah, what's the harm? 205 00:08:02,561 --> 00:08:06,123 My girlfriend Lindsay Lohan says he's pretty funny on Twitter. 206 00:08:06,125 --> 00:08:07,964 Okay, Donald, fill up a tub. We're in. 207 00:08:07,966 --> 00:08:09,646 Yes. Try to get here by eight. 208 00:08:09,648 --> 00:08:11,407 - That's when Tucker's on. - Who gives a... 209 00:08:11,409 --> 00:08:13,049 My real friends are on their way, 210 00:08:13,051 --> 00:08:16,212 and I'm taking your precious German sparkles with me. 211 00:08:16,214 --> 00:08:17,573 B-b-b-b-b-bad. 212 00:08:17,575 --> 00:08:19,890 Ah, shit, I dropped the sparkles. 213 00:08:21,859 --> 00:08:24,379 Because the G-7 leaders refuse to work toward 214 00:08:24,381 --> 00:08:26,421 our shared goal of doing what I want, 215 00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,903 I am withdrawing the United States from the G-7 216 00:08:28,905 --> 00:08:30,304 and founding a new summit 217 00:08:30,306 --> 00:08:32,306 only for leaders who are tough, cool, 218 00:08:32,308 --> 00:08:35,028 and don't yell at me, Bolsonaro, Bin Salman, 219 00:08:35,030 --> 00:08:38,127 Assad, Erdogan, and Vladimir Putin of Russia, 220 00:08:38,129 --> 00:08:39,713 and I guess, pretty soon, Spain. 221 00:08:39,715 --> 00:08:43,196 Our new summit is one billion times better than the G-7, 222 00:08:43,198 --> 00:08:44,797 so we're calling it... 223 00:08:44,799 --> 00:08:46,799 the G-A Million! 224 00:08:46,801 --> 00:08:48,280 No questions? Great. 225 00:08:48,282 --> 00:08:50,362 Last one to the clubhouse is a rotten immigrant. 226 00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,004 - Not it! Not it! - No cheating! 227 00:08:52,006 --> 00:08:54,045 Also, Angela Merkel accidentally called me "mom" 228 00:08:54,047 --> 00:08:56,309 in a meeting yesterday, and it was hilarious. 229 00:08:57,611 --> 00:08:59,931 Okay, so we missed Tucker by eight hours, 230 00:08:59,933 --> 00:09:02,693 but luckily Bill Hemmer's anchoring daytime today... 231 00:09:02,695 --> 00:09:05,296 Yeah, yeah. Yo, Vlad, we missed you at Mugabe's funeral. 232 00:09:05,298 --> 00:09:07,618 I sent a card. I just felt weird, y'know... 233 00:09:07,620 --> 00:09:09,940 Robert and I kind of drifted apart toward the end. 234 00:09:09,942 --> 00:09:12,222 That's how it was with me and Saddam. 235 00:09:12,224 --> 00:09:14,143 One day, he's your hero, the next, 236 00:09:14,145 --> 00:09:16,666 you're skipping his funeral to assassinate a critic. 237 00:09:16,668 --> 00:09:20,469 I'm usually not invited to other people's funerals. 238 00:09:20,471 --> 00:09:22,751 Donald, maybe tell us all about the military coup 239 00:09:22,753 --> 00:09:25,531 - that brought you to power? - I've gotten like really close 240 00:09:25,533 --> 00:09:27,435 but I've never done war, unless you count 241 00:09:27,437 --> 00:09:29,557 getting your tie stuck in a soft serve machine, 242 00:09:29,559 --> 00:09:32,241 which, yeah, doesn't count, I guess. 243 00:09:33,356 --> 00:09:35,618 Ivanka? The kids keep asking for Mommy, 244 00:09:35,620 --> 00:09:36,924 and Consuela's not picking up her phone... 245 00:09:36,926 --> 00:09:38,725 Shh. I'm studying. 246 00:09:38,727 --> 00:09:41,685 Barack Obama said there's no magic wand 247 00:09:41,687 --> 00:09:43,049 to raising the GDP. 248 00:09:43,051 --> 00:09:46,252 Well, guess what? Abracadabra, baby. 249 00:09:46,254 --> 00:09:49,535 Well, guess what? Abracadabra, beeyotch. 250 00:09:49,537 --> 00:09:51,577 Beeyotch! Beeyotch! Beeyotch! 251 00:09:51,579 --> 00:09:54,419 Beeyotch! Beeyotch! Well, guess what? 252 00:09:54,421 --> 00:09:58,023 The GDP make me horny, baby. Yeah. 253 00:09:58,025 --> 00:10:00,104 You were right all along, Jared. 254 00:10:00,106 --> 00:10:03,868 If I want to defeat Don Jr., I must become him. 255 00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:05,467 Give me the book. 256 00:10:06,512 --> 00:10:10,674 ♪ Slick your hair back, go on Hannity ♪ 257 00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:12,395 ♪ Give a retweet ♪ 258 00:10:12,397 --> 00:10:14,901 ♪ To an anti-Semitic conspiracy theory ♪ 259 00:10:14,903 --> 00:10:17,082 - ♪ Becoming Don Jr. ♪ - ♪ I'm becoming Don Jr.! ♪ 260 00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:19,402 - ♪ Becoming Don Jr.! ♪ - ♪ I'm becoming Don Jr.! ♪ 261 00:10:19,404 --> 00:10:20,603 - ♪ Becoming Don Jr.! ♪ - ♪ Whoa ♪ 262 00:10:20,605 --> 00:10:21,964 ♪ Becoming Don Jr.! ♪ 263 00:10:21,966 --> 00:10:24,766 ♪ I'm becoming Don Jr., yeah! ♪ 264 00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:29,691 Abracadabra, baby. 265 00:10:32,776 --> 00:10:35,416 I once sat on that log with Dan Bongino 266 00:10:35,418 --> 00:10:37,298 and gabbed until sunrise. 267 00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:38,888 Where do you all gab with Bongino? 268 00:10:38,890 --> 00:10:40,633 Mr. President, sir. Any comment 269 00:10:40,635 --> 00:10:43,308 on claims from Senate Democrats that your G-7 withdrawal 270 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,865 is a, "Touring cast of Hamilton-level disappointment"? 271 00:10:45,867 --> 00:10:47,387 How 'bout this for a comment... 272 00:10:47,389 --> 00:10:49,949 I'm hereby revoking your press pass. 273 00:10:49,951 --> 00:10:51,150 Now am-scray. 274 00:10:51,152 --> 00:10:53,232 Today is turning out to be a doozy. 275 00:10:53,234 --> 00:10:55,834 So was he a close friend of yours? 276 00:10:55,836 --> 00:10:57,756 That was quite a love-fest. 277 00:10:57,758 --> 00:11:00,398 What are you talking about? I ruined his whole afternoon. 278 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:04,642 Guys, I'm sure Donald will melt that journalist's bones into goo 279 00:11:04,644 --> 00:11:07,044 when he least expects it... right, Donald? 280 00:11:07,046 --> 00:11:09,006 Yeah, yeah. I'm one of you. 281 00:11:09,008 --> 00:11:12,169 Hey, did you see the latest issue of "Dictator Digest"? 282 00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:14,171 What the fuck is he talking about? 283 00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:16,813 It went out of print four years ago. 284 00:11:16,815 --> 00:11:19,015 - Hannity! - I'm Sean Hannity, and I don't 285 00:11:19,017 --> 00:11:21,537 like the look your Puerto Rican nurse just gave you, either. 286 00:11:21,539 --> 00:11:23,122 Let's bring in our special guest. 287 00:11:23,124 --> 00:11:25,819 - Oh! Ivanka! I like the new look. - _ 288 00:11:25,821 --> 00:11:28,824 It's like you and your brother finally had sex. 289 00:11:28,826 --> 00:11:30,745 Thanks, Sean. The way working moms 290 00:11:30,747 --> 00:11:32,347 are treated in this country makes, 291 00:11:32,349 --> 00:11:34,349 uh, does not make me horny, baby? 292 00:11:34,351 --> 00:11:37,284 Sweet Irish Jesus, saying "working moms" 293 00:11:37,286 --> 00:11:39,313 on my show is ratings poison. 294 00:11:39,315 --> 00:11:41,395 Get Stephen Miller on, stat. 295 00:11:41,397 --> 00:11:43,757 I'm here, I'm here. 296 00:11:43,759 --> 00:11:46,199 Loading undocumented immigrants onto trains out of town 297 00:11:46,201 --> 00:11:49,923 will be a boon to white Americans and Amtrak conductors! 298 00:11:49,925 --> 00:11:52,805 You're speakin' my language Stephen Miller, English! 299 00:11:55,810 --> 00:11:58,490 And that's how you tell apart Fox News's Bill Hemmer 300 00:11:58,492 --> 00:12:01,293 from Fox News's Pete Hegseth. It's all in the eyes. 301 00:12:01,295 --> 00:12:03,214 So you guys wanna watch them, or what? 302 00:12:03,216 --> 00:12:06,778 Not after you just spent the past four hours describing them. 303 00:12:06,780 --> 00:12:09,076 'Scuse me! I'm back at Camp David 304 00:12:09,078 --> 00:12:12,303 to demand that the President reinstate my press pass at once. 305 00:12:12,305 --> 00:12:13,784 Please, Mr. President, 306 00:12:13,786 --> 00:12:15,946 that and a back support belt is all I have. 307 00:12:15,948 --> 00:12:17,813 Why are his bones not goo? 308 00:12:17,815 --> 00:12:19,638 Oh, uh, hey, let's have a contest 309 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,151 to see who can say the meanest thing about Rosie O'Donnell. 310 00:12:22,153 --> 00:12:24,393 I'll start... What a loser. 311 00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:26,350 Maybe we should head back to Moscow. 312 00:12:26,352 --> 00:12:27,396 - Yeah. - Let's go. 313 00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:29,198 No, no, you... you can't leave. 314 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,789 - Ugh. - Hey, let us by, 315 00:12:30,791 --> 00:12:31,960 Mr. Chunky Stuff. 316 00:12:31,962 --> 00:12:33,722 Great work today, G-7. 317 00:12:33,724 --> 00:12:36,804 I can't wait to share my new Greek austerity plan. 318 00:12:36,806 --> 00:12:38,286 - Slay, kween. - Sounds nice. 319 00:12:38,288 --> 00:12:40,728 You know what's even better than a real war? 320 00:12:40,730 --> 00:12:42,409 A prank war. 321 00:12:42,411 --> 00:12:43,971 B-b-b-b-b-bad. 322 00:12:47,296 --> 00:12:48,735 Last night, while you were asleep 323 00:12:48,737 --> 00:12:50,662 and I was alone in our large, dark kitchen 324 00:12:50,664 --> 00:12:51,978 trying to feel anything at all, 325 00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:55,101 I read Don Jr.'s book, and it was so engaging. 326 00:12:55,103 --> 00:12:56,823 If you start complimenting my brother, 327 00:12:56,825 --> 00:12:59,345 I'll start planning a wedding to Tom Brady in my head. 328 00:12:59,347 --> 00:13:02,828 Like Trump supporters, Don Jr. is incredibly angry, 329 00:13:02,830 --> 00:13:05,630 so when it comes spewing out, they connect with him. 330 00:13:05,632 --> 00:13:08,393 The bridesmaids will wear violet. 331 00:13:08,395 --> 00:13:11,979 If only you had some old wound to call upon to make you angry, 332 00:13:11,981 --> 00:13:14,157 but, alas, you're just the perfect woman... 333 00:13:14,159 --> 00:13:15,879 The ski trip. 334 00:13:18,003 --> 00:13:19,443 I didn't charge a ski trip 335 00:13:19,445 --> 00:13:21,290 to our bullshit children's charity 336 00:13:21,292 --> 00:13:22,846 for you two to not compete. 337 00:13:22,848 --> 00:13:25,288 Last one down the hill has to be a father figure to Eric. 338 00:13:25,290 --> 00:13:26,409 Ivanka wins. 339 00:13:26,411 --> 00:13:28,611 Yay! I won! 340 00:13:28,613 --> 00:13:30,572 Bad news, Junior... your punishment 341 00:13:30,574 --> 00:13:33,975 is it'll be your fault when I cheat on your mom... Junior? 342 00:13:33,977 --> 00:13:35,217 Haha! Get it?! 343 00:13:35,219 --> 00:13:37,339 - I've given him a penis! - Awesome! 344 00:13:37,341 --> 00:13:38,540 Nice work, champ. 345 00:13:38,542 --> 00:13:41,462 But I won! Daddy! 346 00:13:41,464 --> 00:13:43,492 He's. Not. The. Champ. 347 00:13:43,494 --> 00:13:45,306 I'm. The. Champ! 348 00:13:45,308 --> 00:13:47,480 And the libtards in the mainstream media 349 00:13:47,482 --> 00:13:49,218 refuse to talk about it! 350 00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:50,630 Yes! Now let's get you 351 00:13:50,632 --> 00:13:53,873 somewhere a corn dog counts as a serving of vegetables. 352 00:13:57,198 --> 00:13:59,368 "Chancellor Merkel spent taxpayer dollars 353 00:13:59,370 --> 00:14:01,899 on high-end, designer muted flats"? 354 00:14:01,901 --> 00:14:03,573 "Anonymous source reveals 355 00:14:03,575 --> 00:14:06,244 French President's urine-guzzling fetish"? 356 00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:07,861 "Dozens of new Trudeau 357 00:14:07,863 --> 00:14:09,447 blackface photos uncovered"? 358 00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,089 There should be only one dozen. 359 00:14:11,091 --> 00:14:12,968 Who would spread such rumors? 360 00:14:14,974 --> 00:14:16,734 "Guzzling" is a funny word. 361 00:14:16,736 --> 00:14:19,776 We've been pranked by the G-A Million. 362 00:14:22,101 --> 00:14:23,892 There's no better feeling 363 00:14:23,894 --> 00:14:26,462 than exerting force over people you barely know, 364 00:14:26,464 --> 00:14:29,785 when they least expect it, for no reason at all. 365 00:14:29,787 --> 00:14:32,668 Donald, you're one of us now. I had this made 366 00:14:32,670 --> 00:14:35,831 from part of a melted-down Armenian Genocide memorial. 367 00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:38,393 Now we'll be bonded forever. You go first. 368 00:14:38,395 --> 00:14:40,435 Okay, just do it on the part of my ass 369 00:14:40,437 --> 00:14:42,477 that's already callused from misuse. 370 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:48,484 My ass fat smells so good! 371 00:14:52,247 --> 00:14:54,367 Hello, Arizona. 372 00:14:54,369 --> 00:14:56,409 I'm Ivanka Trump. 373 00:14:56,411 --> 00:14:58,251 Uh, okay. 374 00:14:58,253 --> 00:15:02,735 And you can pry my liberty out of my cold dead hands. 375 00:15:02,737 --> 00:15:05,337 Oh, and there's only one gender... men... 376 00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:09,301 and only one holiday... Jesus Christ-mas. 377 00:15:12,265 --> 00:15:14,826 Whoa, she's really speaking truth to power. 378 00:15:14,828 --> 00:15:16,867 But she's stealing my whole vibe. 379 00:15:16,869 --> 00:15:18,869 But she's doing a killer job at it. 380 00:15:18,871 --> 00:15:21,472 But it's at my expense. 381 00:15:21,474 --> 00:15:24,795 Gah, I hate this and I love this. 382 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,880 The doctor says I'll never sit again, 383 00:15:30,882 --> 00:15:33,122 but you can't put a price on camaraderie. 384 00:15:33,124 --> 00:15:34,721 President Trump, it's Chuck Todd. 385 00:15:34,723 --> 00:15:36,165 You better reinstate my press pass, 386 00:15:36,167 --> 00:15:38,447 or else you're bus... you're brust... busted. 387 00:15:38,449 --> 00:15:42,771 Donald, what do we do with journalists? 388 00:15:42,773 --> 00:15:44,872 Excuse me, gentlemen, 389 00:15:44,874 --> 00:15:46,612 I can't report the news from in here! 390 00:15:46,614 --> 00:15:48,122 What are you going to do with his limbs? 391 00:15:48,124 --> 00:15:49,897 Wait, don't tell me... I want it to be a surprise. 392 00:15:49,899 --> 00:15:51,849 I'll probably just keep him in the shed. 393 00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:53,340 Ahhh, and set fire to it. 394 00:15:53,342 --> 00:15:55,862 And when the firemen show up, their hoses shoot more fire! 395 00:15:55,864 --> 00:15:57,504 - You're twisted, man. - Nah. 396 00:15:57,506 --> 00:15:59,906 See, if I do that, people will start yelling at me, 397 00:15:59,908 --> 00:16:01,748 then I won't be able to hear the TV, 398 00:16:01,750 --> 00:16:04,430 then I'll turn up the TV, and then they'll just yell louder. 399 00:16:04,432 --> 00:16:06,945 Next thing I know, I've missed Tucker and Hemmer. 400 00:16:06,947 --> 00:16:08,594 Right, guys? 401 00:16:08,596 --> 00:16:10,916 Bill Hemmer's a real class act. 402 00:16:14,601 --> 00:16:16,561 It's "The View" with a fifth cast member 403 00:16:16,563 --> 00:16:18,946 that, by the time you finish saying "Who the F is that?" 404 00:16:18,948 --> 00:16:20,020 she's gone. 405 00:16:20,022 --> 00:16:23,287 Let's jump back in with Ivanka Trump! 406 00:16:23,289 --> 00:16:26,089 And then I realized, it's not my problem 407 00:16:26,091 --> 00:16:28,932 if my patriotism triggers snowflakes. 408 00:16:28,934 --> 00:16:30,573 Excuse me, I'm talking. 409 00:16:30,575 --> 00:16:33,936 As a fellow strong, independent daddy's girlboss, 410 00:16:33,938 --> 00:16:37,325 I must say something about this "new Ivanka". 411 00:16:37,327 --> 00:16:38,861 Ooooooh! 412 00:16:38,863 --> 00:16:41,823 What you say at those rallies is completely true... 413 00:16:41,825 --> 00:16:43,945 but I would never say so out loud. 414 00:16:43,947 --> 00:16:46,708 Republicans aren't a party of insults and cursing... 415 00:16:46,710 --> 00:16:49,590 Okay, wow, I'm talking!... We're a party of politeness 416 00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:52,273 and legal discrimination... I said I'm talking! 417 00:16:52,275 --> 00:16:53,914 I'm disappointed in you, 418 00:16:53,916 --> 00:16:55,636 and I know this is going to sting, 419 00:16:55,638 --> 00:16:59,079 but I think my father would be disappointed in you, too. 420 00:16:59,081 --> 00:17:00,682 Ooooooh! 421 00:17:02,361 --> 00:17:04,624 Now that Chuck Todd is locked in a shed... 422 00:17:04,626 --> 00:17:06,248 the worst thing that can happen to someone... 423 00:17:06,250 --> 00:17:07,766 how 'bout we celebrate with the toughest 424 00:17:07,768 --> 00:17:10,169 tough guy activity there is... golf. 425 00:17:10,171 --> 00:17:11,650 How can you think about golf 426 00:17:11,652 --> 00:17:13,492 when there's so much work to be done? 427 00:17:13,494 --> 00:17:15,093 Now that you've locked up a journalist, 428 00:17:15,095 --> 00:17:16,895 you have to shut down the free press. 429 00:17:16,897 --> 00:17:19,187 Bribe the courts into changing the constitution, 430 00:17:19,189 --> 00:17:21,339 then prepare to quash the inevitable uprising. 431 00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:24,261 Then fix the election, quash the uprising, 432 00:17:24,263 --> 00:17:26,864 fix the election, quash the... You get it. 433 00:17:26,866 --> 00:17:29,346 How do you still have time to watch "Fox and Friends"? 434 00:17:29,348 --> 00:17:31,602 Oh, Trumpy. As far as free time, 435 00:17:31,604 --> 00:17:34,143 every morning, I ride my horse at a full sprint 436 00:17:34,145 --> 00:17:36,020 for however long it takes to snap a leg 437 00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:37,233 and that's pretty much it. 438 00:17:37,235 --> 00:17:39,955 - I haven't watched TV in years. - What?! 439 00:17:39,957 --> 00:17:43,027 - Ivanka! Ivanka! Ivanka! - Don't let them define you. 440 00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:44,965 You can be a flag-humping racist 441 00:17:44,967 --> 00:17:46,521 and a working mom, 442 00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:48,377 a disgrace to the Republican party 443 00:17:48,379 --> 00:17:51,005 and a selectively liberal socialite. 444 00:17:51,007 --> 00:17:53,007 Hello, Carson City. 445 00:17:53,009 --> 00:17:56,810 My name is Ivanka Trump, and all I have to say is... 446 00:17:56,812 --> 00:17:58,412 Disappointed... 447 00:17:58,414 --> 00:17:59,933 Disappointed... 448 00:17:59,935 --> 00:18:02,816 My father... father... father... 449 00:18:02,818 --> 00:18:04,377 As a working mom... 450 00:18:04,379 --> 00:18:06,379 Whoa, what the F is this? 451 00:18:06,381 --> 00:18:09,942 Sometimes, it feels like I've been shadow banned 452 00:18:09,944 --> 00:18:12,142 by the lack of paid maternity leave. 453 00:18:13,307 --> 00:18:16,508 No! Wait! Please, let me explain! 454 00:18:16,510 --> 00:18:19,190 This whole stupid act was your idea. 455 00:18:19,192 --> 00:18:22,006 All I ever wanted was for you to manipulate the public 456 00:18:22,008 --> 00:18:23,909 for the sake of my political career. 457 00:18:23,911 --> 00:18:25,236 You know, I hate to say it, 458 00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:27,958 but John McCain actually would be disappointed in you. 459 00:18:30,963 --> 00:18:32,722 You can save money on bullets 460 00:18:32,724 --> 00:18:34,964 if you arm the death squad with machetes. 461 00:18:34,966 --> 00:18:37,967 Sure, sure, but then you have to factor in the physical strain 462 00:18:37,969 --> 00:18:39,849 and carpal tunnel is not a joke. 463 00:18:41,012 --> 00:18:43,292 Now can we watch TV, please? 464 00:18:43,294 --> 00:18:46,214 I wish you were this worked up when Chuck Todd barged in. 465 00:18:46,216 --> 00:18:48,256 Yeah. What are you, in love with Chuck Todd? 466 00:18:48,258 --> 00:18:50,138 Get off my back, Dad. I mean... 467 00:18:50,140 --> 00:18:52,281 He said Dad! He called me Dad! 468 00:18:52,283 --> 00:18:53,714 - Did you hear it? - Oh, my God. 469 00:18:53,716 --> 00:18:56,155 Donald, you are a big, fat baby. 470 00:18:56,157 --> 00:18:58,740 I'm not fat. My doctor says I'm just full of mystery fluid 471 00:18:58,742 --> 00:18:59,787 like a lava lamp. 472 00:18:59,789 --> 00:19:01,468 Plus, you've never staged a coup. 473 00:19:01,470 --> 00:19:02,749 Never been in the KGB. 474 00:19:02,751 --> 00:19:05,392 And you've never enacted murderous revenge 475 00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:07,634 on insolent journalists like Chuck Todd. 476 00:19:07,636 --> 00:19:09,996 I mean, I want to, but the laws... 477 00:19:09,998 --> 00:19:13,120 Oh, my God, the laws! This guy still has laws! 478 00:19:14,522 --> 00:19:17,166 You know what? You blood-thirsty dictators 479 00:19:17,168 --> 00:19:19,925 are a bunch of jerks! 480 00:19:19,927 --> 00:19:22,567 Sorry, guys, I thought Donald was cool. 481 00:19:22,569 --> 00:19:25,089 My bad. 482 00:19:26,773 --> 00:19:28,439 - We're following reports that several - _ 483 00:19:28,441 --> 00:19:30,146 of the world's most brutal dictators 484 00:19:30,148 --> 00:19:31,815 have defected from the G-A Million 485 00:19:31,817 --> 00:19:33,977 and annexed part of Camp David as their own. 486 00:19:33,979 --> 00:19:36,565 But first, our search for the still-missing Chad Todd 487 00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:39,102 continues. Was it "Chad"? 488 00:19:39,104 --> 00:19:42,305 I can't believe I've resorted to hanging with Boris Johnson. 489 00:19:42,307 --> 00:19:44,787 It's like sitting next to my own umbilical cord. 490 00:19:44,789 --> 00:19:46,789 Here in America, you have Tootsie Rolls, 491 00:19:46,791 --> 00:19:49,911 and Hershey's and Butterfinger, but they're all too sweet. 492 00:19:49,913 --> 00:19:52,193 Yuck. 493 00:19:52,195 --> 00:19:54,286 Okay, very funny. What, is that 494 00:19:54,288 --> 00:19:56,875 the world champion Washington Nationals out there? Ha. 495 00:19:56,877 --> 00:20:00,601 I guess I'll always be stuck between G-7 and A Million, 496 00:20:00,603 --> 00:20:03,964 and only a genius can figure out what wacky number that is. 497 00:20:03,966 --> 00:20:06,726 Probably has like an eyeball symbol or something. 498 00:20:11,853 --> 00:20:14,493 Wow, you've been such good little supporters. 499 00:20:14,495 --> 00:20:15,975 You deserve a treat. 500 00:20:15,977 --> 00:20:17,576 - Ow! - You rock! 501 00:20:17,578 --> 00:20:19,218 These books are not free. 502 00:20:19,220 --> 00:20:22,621 Venmo me, or it's legally stealing. 503 00:20:31,991 --> 00:20:33,630 Sorry I've been M-I-A. 504 00:20:33,632 --> 00:20:36,033 I followed what I thought was a monarch butterfly 505 00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:38,134 for 46 miles, but it turned out 506 00:20:38,136 --> 00:20:40,637 to be a Butterfinger wrapper caught in an air stream. 507 00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:42,839 - How was the summit? - They all left me. 508 00:20:42,841 --> 00:20:45,921 Now I know how the last Sudafed in the pack feels. 509 00:20:45,923 --> 00:20:47,243 Come on, Mr. President. 510 00:20:47,245 --> 00:20:48,811 Let me lead you to an epiphany 511 00:20:48,813 --> 00:20:51,458 like that wrapper led me to outer Harrisburg. 512 00:20:51,459 --> 00:20:53,408 _ 513 00:20:53,410 --> 00:20:55,024 Are you sure about this? 514 00:20:55,026 --> 00:20:56,949 Mr. President, I'm more sure 515 00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:58,413 about this than anything I've ever... 516 00:20:58,415 --> 00:21:01,015 Okay, Jesus! I didn't ask for your life story! 517 00:21:01,017 --> 00:21:03,297 Here we go. 518 00:21:03,299 --> 00:21:05,539 Do you get it, yet? 519 00:21:05,541 --> 00:21:07,981 No, I think I need to go a little further. 520 00:21:07,983 --> 00:21:10,543 There it is! 521 00:21:10,545 --> 00:21:13,546 I've tapped into that familiar feeling... power. 522 00:21:13,548 --> 00:21:17,178 I don't like the G-7 or the G.A. Million because, 523 00:21:17,180 --> 00:21:19,545 for whatever reason, they refuse to bow 524 00:21:19,547 --> 00:21:20,639 to my every whim. 525 00:21:20,641 --> 00:21:23,164 Why would I ever want to associate with people like that? 526 00:21:23,166 --> 00:21:24,604 I don't know, Mr. President. 527 00:21:24,606 --> 00:21:26,146 Don't you back-talk me! 528 00:21:26,148 --> 00:21:31,842 You're right. I think I know how to feel powerful again. 529 00:21:31,844 --> 00:21:34,885 Your stupid book ruined my life! 530 00:21:34,887 --> 00:21:38,568 All I wanted was to introduce Daddy at the 2020 RNC, 531 00:21:38,570 --> 00:21:40,170 inherit the Trump dynasty, 532 00:21:40,172 --> 00:21:41,963 and live for 10,000 years 533 00:21:41,965 --> 00:21:44,867 in a stainless steel orbiting dollhouse! 534 00:21:44,869 --> 00:21:46,932 Clearly, you didn't get to that chapter 535 00:21:46,934 --> 00:21:48,495 where I talk about that ski trip 536 00:21:48,497 --> 00:21:50,179 we went on as kids. Remember that? 537 00:21:50,181 --> 00:21:52,341 I don't know. Sort of. 538 00:21:52,343 --> 00:21:54,857 That morning, after dad backhanded me 539 00:21:54,859 --> 00:21:57,585 for not wearing a suit and tie over my snow pants, 540 00:21:57,587 --> 00:22:00,575 I remember thinking, "Damn it, how can I ever compete 541 00:22:00,577 --> 00:22:03,125 with perfect little Ivanka who never freaks out 542 00:22:03,127 --> 00:22:04,532 when we go through a car wash". 543 00:22:04,534 --> 00:22:06,513 Aah! Oh. I just went back there. 544 00:22:06,515 --> 00:22:08,755 This whole time I've been thinking 545 00:22:08,757 --> 00:22:10,597 "How can I compete with gross, 546 00:22:10,599 --> 00:22:13,560 psychologically unstable Don Jr.?" 547 00:22:13,562 --> 00:22:16,165 Oh, Ivanka, if you hadn't pushed me 548 00:22:16,167 --> 00:22:18,381 to develop the debilitating insecurity 549 00:22:18,383 --> 00:22:19,525 that rules my every moment, 550 00:22:19,527 --> 00:22:21,907 I'd probably still be back in Colorado, 551 00:22:21,909 --> 00:22:23,532 sucking down mugs of hot Natty Lite 552 00:22:23,534 --> 00:22:25,450 after a long day of moose-punching. 553 00:22:25,452 --> 00:22:28,093 And if I wasn't pushed to compete with you 554 00:22:28,095 --> 00:22:30,936 to inherit Daddy's political dynasty, 555 00:22:30,938 --> 00:22:33,682 I'd probably just settle for being a gorgeous mom 556 00:22:33,684 --> 00:22:36,260 to three kids whose names I sometimes confuse 557 00:22:36,262 --> 00:22:39,429 with characters on "Big Little Lies". 558 00:22:39,431 --> 00:22:41,631 - We need to compete. - We need to compete. 559 00:22:42,788 --> 00:22:44,788 It's the puppet master speaking. 560 00:22:44,790 --> 00:22:46,612 I've decided to start a brand new summit, 561 00:22:46,614 --> 00:22:49,038 and I need you two to speak at the opening ceremony. 562 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:52,034 Whoever does best will get to introduce me at the RNC. 563 00:22:52,036 --> 00:22:53,796 Okay, compete, compete, compete. 564 00:22:55,945 --> 00:22:58,609 Who's there? Is it my best friend Lester Holt 565 00:22:58,611 --> 00:23:01,282 and a ragtag brotherhood of bad asses here to bust me out? 566 00:23:01,284 --> 00:23:03,190 - I'd like to make a deal. - No way. 567 00:23:03,192 --> 00:23:05,126 I'm finally going to say what I really think. 568 00:23:05,128 --> 00:23:08,489 Mr. Trump, you are deeply, deeply rude. Sorry. 569 00:23:08,491 --> 00:23:10,480 I just need one tiny thing from you, 570 00:23:10,482 --> 00:23:12,990 and, in exchange, you'll get an exclusive interview, 571 00:23:12,992 --> 00:23:15,095 softball questions, shared with me beforehand. 572 00:23:15,097 --> 00:23:18,300 Wow, I'll say yes, but what's the tiny thing you need? 573 00:23:23,945 --> 00:23:25,944 Nice doing business with you. 574 00:23:25,946 --> 00:23:27,906 ♪ Let your hair down ♪ 575 00:23:27,908 --> 00:23:29,668 ♪ Fake philanthropy ♪ 576 00:23:29,670 --> 00:23:30,869 Anytime beard! 577 00:23:30,871 --> 00:23:31,933 ♪ Hide your politics ♪ 578 00:23:31,935 --> 00:23:34,718 ♪ Behind your performative feminist identity ♪ 579 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:36,674 ♪ I'm back to Ivanka! ♪ 580 00:23:36,676 --> 00:23:39,276 ♪ Oh, I'm back to Ivanka! ♪ 581 00:23:39,278 --> 00:23:41,038 ♪ Whoa ♪ 582 00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:44,071 ♪ Oh, I'm back to Ivanka Trump! ♪ 583 00:23:45,884 --> 00:23:48,777 I think you guys are trained now. 584 00:23:51,729 --> 00:23:53,809 - What's up, Camp David? - Hello, kweens! 585 00:23:53,811 --> 00:23:55,549 - My dad know... - My daddy knows... 586 00:23:55,551 --> 00:23:57,016 - ... that safe spaces are... - ... that the lack of... 587 00:23:57,018 --> 00:23:58,960 - ... are destroying this country. - ... is destroying this country. 588 00:23:58,962 --> 00:24:01,285 - And we need less so-called... - And we need more nursing rooms. 589 00:24:01,287 --> 00:24:02,749 ...political correctness. 590 00:24:02,751 --> 00:24:05,014 Too much real beard hair fumes. 591 00:24:05,016 --> 00:24:06,656 And... 592 00:24:06,658 --> 00:24:08,653 - Also close to his heart is - Also close to his heart is 593 00:24:08,655 --> 00:24:10,864 - equal pay for equal work. - the right to bring your... 594 00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:12,418 He said that the other day when 595 00:24:12,420 --> 00:24:15,144 I was playing with LEGO blocks in the Oval Office. 596 00:24:15,146 --> 00:24:17,711 Jesus Ass! The fumes are killing me. 597 00:24:17,713 --> 00:24:20,713 And now, without further adieu, 598 00:24:20,715 --> 00:24:23,460 President Donald J. Trump. 599 00:24:24,782 --> 00:24:27,805 Someone just won themselves an RNC introduction spot. 600 00:24:27,807 --> 00:24:29,081 Unless I change my mind later. 601 00:24:29,083 --> 00:24:31,123 I really wanted that spot. 602 00:24:31,125 --> 00:24:32,444 What the ass?! 603 00:24:32,446 --> 00:24:34,085 But, like Ivanka, if you need 604 00:24:34,087 --> 00:24:36,647 a running mate in 2024, I can be hella deferential. 605 00:24:36,649 --> 00:24:39,170 But I live to scorn you! 606 00:24:39,172 --> 00:24:42,023 But seriously, I'll win you the hepatitis vote. 607 00:24:42,025 --> 00:24:43,475 Shut up. Earlier today, 608 00:24:43,477 --> 00:24:45,377 when I took Chuck Todd's finger... 609 00:24:45,379 --> 00:24:48,281 Exclusive interview airing Thursday at 4:00 A.M. Central. 610 00:24:48,283 --> 00:24:49,944 ... I thought I needed it to prove 611 00:24:49,946 --> 00:24:52,542 I could run with the big dogs of the G.A. Million, 612 00:24:52,544 --> 00:24:55,384 but now I realize that they aren't the big dog. 613 00:24:55,386 --> 00:24:58,606 I'm the big dog because my children will stop 614 00:24:58,608 --> 00:25:00,309 at nothing to win my approval. 615 00:25:00,311 --> 00:25:02,030 We love you, Dad! 616 00:25:02,032 --> 00:25:03,471 Not now, vagrant. 617 00:25:03,473 --> 00:25:05,920 I'm therefore announcing a brand-new summit 618 00:25:05,922 --> 00:25:08,316 for the only people who really matter. 619 00:25:08,318 --> 00:25:10,848 The G-Me. It's just me. 620 00:25:10,850 --> 00:25:12,319 Oh, and my two kids. 621 00:25:12,321 --> 00:25:14,922 And because I got nothing to prove to the dictators, 622 00:25:14,924 --> 00:25:17,084 I don't need this anymore. 623 00:25:18,327 --> 00:25:19,827 I guess I will be wearing my 624 00:25:19,829 --> 00:25:22,329 middle school graduation ring on my other hand. 625 00:25:22,331 --> 00:25:23,721 At least I got my interview. 626 00:25:23,723 --> 00:25:25,222 And the interview's off. 627 00:25:25,224 --> 00:25:27,716 I'd speak up, but you gotta respect the office. 628 00:25:29,817 --> 00:25:33,498 Oh! Ivanka, light of my life, hollow of my cheeks, 629 00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:35,100 you were amazing up there! 630 00:25:35,102 --> 00:25:38,823 Oh, Jared, I was angry at you before, but now? 631 00:25:38,825 --> 00:25:40,625 You're complimenting me. 632 00:25:40,627 --> 00:25:42,626 I am so sorry about earlier. 633 00:25:42,628 --> 00:25:45,309 John McCain would be really proud of you. 634 00:25:45,311 --> 00:25:46,790 Oh, Jared, 635 00:25:46,792 --> 00:25:48,878 That's the most romantic thing you've 636 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:50,215 ever said to me! 637 00:25:50,217 --> 00:25:52,584 Hey, Trumpy, you know, uh, that was pretty cool 638 00:25:52,586 --> 00:25:54,379 what you did with that journalist's finger. 639 00:25:54,381 --> 00:25:55,998 You know, if you aren't doing anything later... 640 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:58,200 Oh, sorry, Putin, but my brain just showed me 641 00:25:58,202 --> 00:26:01,083 a picture of cheesy popcorn and told me to stop listening. 642 00:26:01,085 --> 00:26:03,965 Excuse me. I've got a G-Me summit to attend. 643 00:26:03,967 --> 00:26:05,576 Jared, get out of my seat! 644 00:26:05,578 --> 00:26:07,982 I want to sit next to Ivanka so I can bother her! 645 00:26:07,984 --> 00:26:10,213 I-I got plans anyway. I promised MBS 646 00:26:10,215 --> 00:26:12,552 I'd go with him to check out the new line of bone saws. 647 00:26:12,554 --> 00:26:14,536 Two peas in a pod, you two. 648 00:26:14,538 --> 00:26:16,256 Let's go! 649 00:26:16,258 --> 00:26:18,539 Just remembered I've never driven before. 650 00:26:18,541 --> 00:26:19,860 Wheeee! 651 00:27:17,673 --> 00:27:19,168 Trump! 652 00:27:19,170 --> 00:27:22,170 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com - 50354

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