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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,025 --> 00:00:06,025 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com - 2 00:00:10,324 --> 00:00:11,723 - Welcome to tonight's - _ 3 00:00:11,725 --> 00:00:13,846 Democratic Debate in Las Vegas, Nevada. 4 00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,346 Good evening. I'm Lester Holt. 5 00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:17,642 And after a party, you know I'm gonna help clean up. 6 00:00:17,644 --> 00:00:19,403 Thank you, Lester. I'll take it "form" here. 7 00:00:19,405 --> 00:00:21,044 From here, obviously. 8 00:00:21,046 --> 00:00:23,246 First question... do you all wanna answer a question 9 00:00:23,248 --> 00:00:24,927 or just dogpile Michael Bloomberg? 10 00:00:24,929 --> 00:00:27,651 - Bloomberg! - BLOOOOMBERRRRG!! 11 00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:29,529 Wow. Okay. It looks like we're starting, and I haven't 12 00:00:29,531 --> 00:00:31,250 even said the rules you're going to ignore. 13 00:00:31,252 --> 00:00:34,572 Mike Bloomberg epitomizes the lawless oligarchy 14 00:00:34,574 --> 00:00:37,173 corroding the foundations of our democracy! 15 00:00:38,456 --> 00:00:40,695 Liz Warren's back on the map, baby! 16 00:00:40,697 --> 00:00:42,737 Why do I feel like I'm already off the map? 17 00:00:42,739 --> 00:00:45,338 Hey, Bloomberg! You can't buy this election! 18 00:00:45,340 --> 00:00:47,019 You gotta earn it! Like me! 19 00:00:47,021 --> 00:00:48,980 By keeping your eyes from rollin' out of your head 20 00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:50,981 - till November! - Hey, I'm not perfect, 21 00:00:50,983 --> 00:00:53,423 but at least I'm not a bloodless corporate shill 22 00:00:53,425 --> 00:00:54,904 posing as a humble mayor! 23 00:00:54,906 --> 00:00:56,504 Hey! Oh, you meant Bloomberg. 24 00:00:56,506 --> 00:00:58,506 Mr. Bloomberg, what do you say to those who point 25 00:00:58,508 --> 00:00:59,946 to your stop-and-frisk policy 26 00:00:59,948 --> 00:01:02,108 as evidence of your racial bias against minorities? 27 00:01:02,110 --> 00:01:04,549 The point of this debate is to make me appear likeable, 28 00:01:04,551 --> 00:01:07,391 not to discuss my undeniably racist past as mayor. 29 00:01:07,393 --> 00:01:09,472 Hey! Oh, you meant Bloomberg again. 30 00:01:09,474 --> 00:01:10,873 You know what? Just let me know when it's my turn. 31 00:01:10,875 --> 00:01:12,754 Since this is my first debate 32 00:01:12,756 --> 00:01:15,315 and my entrance fee was $300 million, 33 00:01:15,317 --> 00:01:17,676 at least give me a chance to introduce myself. 34 00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:18,837 Ahem. 35 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:22,559 I like the one who did the money! 36 00:01:22,561 --> 00:01:24,240 Listen, Amy. I may not have 37 00:01:24,242 --> 00:01:27,322 foreign-relations experience, per se, but I have ordered 38 00:01:27,324 --> 00:01:29,443 huevos rancheros at brunch 39 00:01:29,445 --> 00:01:30,884 multiple times! 40 00:01:30,886 --> 00:01:32,525 Are you mocking me? 41 00:01:32,527 --> 00:01:35,326 Because the last guy who mocked me was Kirk Douglas! 42 00:01:35,328 --> 00:01:37,848 And look what happened! 43 00:01:37,850 --> 00:01:41,490 Okay, I may own three houses, but let me assure you 44 00:01:41,492 --> 00:01:44,372 I do not heat them, and the rugs are unbearably itchy. 45 00:01:44,374 --> 00:01:46,733 And now a message from tonight's sponsor. 46 00:01:46,735 --> 00:01:48,134 - Hi. I'm Mike Bloomberg. - _ 47 00:01:48,136 --> 00:01:50,055 - Oh, come on! - Hey, Bloomberg! 48 00:01:50,057 --> 00:01:52,056 The best way to defeat Donald Trump is to vote 49 00:01:52,058 --> 00:01:53,817 for someone nominally different than him 50 00:01:53,819 --> 00:01:55,778 so you can feel better about yourself 51 00:01:55,780 --> 00:01:58,019 while the world stays exactly the same. 52 00:01:58,021 --> 00:01:59,340 Hey! What the... 53 00:01:59,342 --> 00:02:02,942 Shh. Amy wants to play a little game! 54 00:02:02,944 --> 00:02:05,504 Hey, folks! There's a lady up in the rafters! 55 00:02:05,506 --> 00:02:07,825 Okay, enough folksy adages, Mr. Vice President. 56 00:02:07,827 --> 00:02:09,466 I'm trying unsuccessfully to moderate. 57 00:02:09,468 --> 00:02:11,307 Hey, Pete! How do you say 58 00:02:11,309 --> 00:02:14,269 "do not resuscitate" in Español?! 59 00:02:14,271 --> 00:02:16,070 - Huevos rancheros. - That's all from Nevada. 60 00:02:16,072 --> 00:02:19,592 Only 48 states to go before the brokered convention. 61 00:02:21,234 --> 00:02:23,033 Hey, folks! Give me a heads-up 62 00:02:23,035 --> 00:02:24,754 if my ears start bleedin', would ya? 63 00:02:30,119 --> 00:02:32,439 That debate was a nightmare. 64 00:02:32,441 --> 00:02:34,120 Gentlemen, I have to be honest. 65 00:02:34,122 --> 00:02:36,281 I'm having second thoughts about buying this election. 66 00:02:36,283 --> 00:02:38,122 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't tell me 67 00:02:38,124 --> 00:02:40,163 American hero Michael Friggin' Bloomberg 68 00:02:40,165 --> 00:02:42,328 is throwing in the 10,000 thread count towel! 69 00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:44,329 Us billionaires are counting on you to keep 70 00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:45,886 the lights on in our summer homes 71 00:02:45,888 --> 00:02:48,408 and the lights off in our sensory deprivation tanks! 72 00:02:48,410 --> 00:02:50,209 I'm just not sure I have it in me. 73 00:02:50,211 --> 00:02:52,970 My campaign manager said I might have to shake a hand. 74 00:02:52,972 --> 00:02:55,071 But without you, we can kiss the dream of 75 00:02:55,073 --> 00:02:58,013 liberal, socially conscious oligarchy goodbye! 76 00:02:58,015 --> 00:02:59,894 I need some fresh air. 77 00:02:59,896 --> 00:03:01,615 - Whew! - Yikes. 78 00:03:01,617 --> 00:03:03,456 Anyone here have a good grotto cleaning guy? 79 00:03:03,458 --> 00:03:04,657 Pushed mine off my balcony. 80 00:03:04,659 --> 00:03:06,298 And billionaires... 81 00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:08,940 We need to stop flat wages... 82 00:03:08,942 --> 00:03:11,581 ... and strengthen the middle class! 83 00:03:11,583 --> 00:03:15,063 They're radicalized! Something must be done! 84 00:03:15,065 --> 00:03:18,225 Watch where you're going, billionaire! 85 00:03:20,708 --> 00:03:22,107 - Hillary! - _ 86 00:03:22,109 --> 00:03:25,549 A billionaire's only hope. 87 00:03:25,551 --> 00:03:27,870 I'm Jake Tapper, 88 00:03:27,872 --> 00:03:30,392 and I ask people what they got on their SAT 89 00:03:30,394 --> 00:03:33,113 hoping they'll immediately toss the ball my way. 90 00:03:33,115 --> 00:03:34,434 1510. 91 00:03:34,436 --> 00:03:36,755 - Donald Trump's back in the news today, - _ 92 00:03:36,757 --> 00:03:38,957 this time for attacking the Kurds. 93 00:03:38,959 --> 00:03:40,077 Here to cover for him, 94 00:03:40,079 --> 00:03:42,198 Kellyanne Conway and Larry Kudlow. 95 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:43,919 I think Trump's really unraveling. 96 00:03:43,921 --> 00:03:45,600 - Shut the fuck up! - Hey, Jake! 97 00:03:45,602 --> 00:03:47,802 No one understands the plight of the Kurdish people 98 00:03:47,804 --> 00:03:49,122 like Donald Trump. 99 00:03:49,124 --> 00:03:51,644 Then, how do you respond to this? 100 00:03:51,646 --> 00:03:53,485 I don't know jack shit about the Kurds 101 00:03:53,487 --> 00:03:56,126 except that they're a proud people that the United States 102 00:03:56,128 --> 00:03:58,608 bears a moral responsibility to abandon. 103 00:03:58,610 --> 00:04:01,249 That was taken way out of context. 104 00:04:01,251 --> 00:04:03,450 He'll support the heck outta the Kurds 105 00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:05,623 and their battle to defeat ISIS. 106 00:04:05,625 --> 00:04:08,293 - Then, how do you respond to this? - Ah, shi... 107 00:04:08,295 --> 00:04:10,735 I'm not really vibing with the Kurds or ISIS. 108 00:04:10,737 --> 00:04:12,936 I'm kinda hoping Robert Kraft goes over there 109 00:04:12,938 --> 00:04:14,457 and starts his own tribe. 110 00:04:14,459 --> 00:04:16,938 If you can defend that, you must be unhealthily 111 00:04:16,940 --> 00:04:18,699 obsessed with being on television. 112 00:04:18,701 --> 00:04:20,300 - Coming up, I interview myself - _ 113 00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:23,222 about the time I serenaded my wife at our wedding. 114 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,036 Hi, Bill. Is Hillary home? 115 00:04:27,038 --> 00:04:28,385 Hillary? She's out in the barn. 116 00:04:28,387 --> 00:04:30,146 I'd take you, but I'm not allowed out of the house. 117 00:04:30,148 --> 00:04:31,907 - Peep the shock collar. - No problem, I'll head aroun... 118 00:04:31,909 --> 00:04:34,548 It's because of my storied, criminal history of sexual... 119 00:04:34,550 --> 00:04:38,430 Bill, the less we know about your deal, the better. 120 00:04:38,432 --> 00:04:40,551 Bill, back in the house! 121 00:04:40,553 --> 00:04:42,192 Hillary, it's Michael Bloomberg! 122 00:04:42,194 --> 00:04:43,473 I spoke at your convention 123 00:04:43,475 --> 00:04:45,314 between Henry Kissinger and Lena Dunham. 124 00:04:45,316 --> 00:04:47,192 Oh! Hi! You can be the first 125 00:04:47,194 --> 00:04:49,557 to try some of my homemade hot sauce, 126 00:04:49,559 --> 00:04:51,518 - a non-calculated passion of mine! - _ 127 00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:54,199 Forget the sauce. The billionaires need a voice. 128 00:04:54,201 --> 00:04:55,840 You need to run for president. 129 00:04:55,842 --> 00:04:58,442 I'm much happier spending the rest of my life 130 00:04:58,444 --> 00:05:00,723 writing books about courageous women 131 00:05:00,725 --> 00:05:04,205 with my daughter, Chelsea, who I, um... 132 00:05:04,207 --> 00:05:06,166 - Love? - Exactly. Thank you. 133 00:05:06,168 --> 00:05:07,727 But the people want you. 134 00:05:07,729 --> 00:05:10,528 Just look at these polls I planted in Bloomberg News. 135 00:05:10,530 --> 00:05:12,690 With my money and your politics for hire, 136 00:05:12,692 --> 00:05:15,331 there's nothing stopping us from stopping socialists 137 00:05:15,333 --> 00:05:17,452 from stopping me from hoarding wealth. 138 00:05:20,416 --> 00:05:23,096 Imagine if we could go on television 139 00:05:23,098 --> 00:05:27,479 without having to defend that teetotalin' wet ass. 140 00:05:27,481 --> 00:05:30,180 Without the mic guy purposefully electrocuting me 141 00:05:30,182 --> 00:05:31,941 with a white-hot frayed wire? 142 00:05:31,943 --> 00:05:33,742 I used to rule TV... 143 00:05:33,744 --> 00:05:36,903 ranting about the Dow, lit as all hell, 144 00:05:36,905 --> 00:05:39,465 with the Jim Cramer! 145 00:05:39,467 --> 00:05:40,946 Knocky-knocky! 146 00:05:40,948 --> 00:05:43,067 I need you to dress to the Tapper tens 147 00:05:43,069 --> 00:05:47,032 because I just had my most grounded and rational idea yet. 148 00:05:47,034 --> 00:05:48,830 To wrap up this trade war, 149 00:05:48,832 --> 00:05:50,511 what if we rammed naval ships into... 150 00:05:50,513 --> 00:05:52,912 don't judge yet... Chinese shipping freights? 151 00:05:52,914 --> 00:05:55,914 It's brilliant in its stupidity, but I'm just not sure that... 152 00:05:55,916 --> 00:05:57,355 Aaaand tweeted. 153 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,076 All right. Choppy-choppy! You're on at 4 p.m. 154 00:05:59,078 --> 00:06:01,717 No way! I'm goin' viral! 155 00:06:01,719 --> 00:06:04,119 _ 156 00:06:04,121 --> 00:06:05,800 When my mother and I wrote 157 00:06:05,802 --> 00:06:08,081 "The Book of Gutsy Women", it wasn't all work. 158 00:06:08,083 --> 00:06:09,442 - Ha ha! - Wow! 159 00:06:09,444 --> 00:06:11,123 Sometimes, we took a break 160 00:06:11,125 --> 00:06:14,763 to live, laugh, and gossip about entertainment news. 161 00:06:14,765 --> 00:06:17,526 - Right, Mom? - It's fun writing books with my daughter, 162 00:06:17,528 --> 00:06:18,727 who I, uh... 163 00:06:18,729 --> 00:06:20,128 - Love. - Right. 164 00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:21,529 So say it, silly! 165 00:06:21,531 --> 00:06:22,849 What is it... your birthday? 166 00:06:22,851 --> 00:06:24,931 Yes, it is. I'm 40. 167 00:06:24,933 --> 00:06:26,972 Happy birthday. There. I said it! 168 00:06:26,974 --> 00:06:28,853 - Run, Hillary! - Yeah! Go for it! 169 00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:30,654 No, that's behind me. 170 00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,450 I'm now focused on being toured around 171 00:06:32,452 --> 00:06:34,016 like a book-slinging circus monkey. 172 00:06:34,018 --> 00:06:36,613 But all of us who stood in line for four hours 173 00:06:36,615 --> 00:06:38,467 just to get a glimpse of the back of your head 174 00:06:38,469 --> 00:06:40,329 agree you're the best candidate! 175 00:06:40,331 --> 00:06:41,440 Yeah! 176 00:06:41,442 --> 00:06:43,341 All of you? 177 00:06:44,504 --> 00:06:46,223 Larry? Connie? 178 00:06:46,225 --> 00:06:48,864 It's Tapper O'Clock! Why aren't you defending me?! 179 00:06:48,866 --> 00:06:51,025 I've thought of a thousand ways to justify 180 00:06:51,027 --> 00:06:53,921 this battleship ramming scheme, and all of them are war crimes! 181 00:06:53,923 --> 00:06:55,628 Shh! It's ringing. 182 00:06:55,630 --> 00:06:58,310 I also made it so it can fart. 183 00:06:58,312 --> 00:07:00,631 That's what mine sounds like! 184 00:07:00,633 --> 00:07:04,125 Hello? This is the GOAT of all time, Elon Musk. 185 00:07:04,127 --> 00:07:06,474 Hey, lame guy the science guy... 186 00:07:06,476 --> 00:07:09,316 pack your solar-powered luggage or whatever 187 00:07:09,318 --> 00:07:11,077 'cause your country needs you. 188 00:07:11,079 --> 00:07:14,679 As long as the country is not Thailand, I'm in. 189 00:07:14,681 --> 00:07:16,320 Here's what I'm thinking 190 00:07:16,322 --> 00:07:17,921 for the next five years. 191 00:07:17,923 --> 00:07:20,762 We pen the story of a racially ambiguous daughter 192 00:07:20,764 --> 00:07:24,164 named Lakelynne White, who opens a small, diverse hedge-fund. 193 00:07:24,166 --> 00:07:26,165 Lakelynne courageously uses her earnings 194 00:07:26,167 --> 00:07:28,567 to run an inclusive smear campaign 195 00:07:28,569 --> 00:07:30,448 against Ilhan Omar. 196 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,369 Hillary, we need you. 197 00:07:32,371 --> 00:07:33,490 Jeffy?! 198 00:07:33,492 --> 00:07:35,124 Mother! Chime in. 199 00:07:35,126 --> 00:07:37,852 Uh, I, guess, Lakelynne can meet a... 200 00:07:37,854 --> 00:07:39,733 barista? 201 00:07:39,735 --> 00:07:41,654 Mother, don't pluck my tulip. 202 00:07:41,656 --> 00:07:43,975 I know you're thinking about being President again. 203 00:07:43,977 --> 00:07:46,737 You know how sometimes when you're talking to me, 204 00:07:46,739 --> 00:07:49,939 I pause for a few seconds then say, "Interesting"? 205 00:07:49,941 --> 00:07:52,700 That's because I'm thinking about being President. 206 00:07:52,702 --> 00:07:56,022 As much as I like copy-pasting Wikipedia articles 207 00:07:56,024 --> 00:07:58,824 on suffragettes into Microsoft Word with my mother, 208 00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:01,345 at the end of the day, I'm with her! 209 00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:02,746 Go, Mother! 210 00:08:02,748 --> 00:08:06,708 Chase your dream for the third time! 211 00:08:06,710 --> 00:08:10,350 Interesting. 212 00:08:11,953 --> 00:08:14,113 It's time we brace ourselves 213 00:08:14,115 --> 00:08:16,154 for the looming class revolution. 214 00:08:16,156 --> 00:08:19,174 Thursday's usual 24-ounce wagyu strip 215 00:08:19,176 --> 00:08:23,238 will have to be replaced by... a 14-ounce wagyu filet. 216 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:24,599 - No! - They're treating us 217 00:08:24,601 --> 00:08:25,919 like human beings. 218 00:08:25,921 --> 00:08:28,361 We're billionaires, damn it! 219 00:08:28,363 --> 00:08:30,442 Order that strip, Michael! 220 00:08:30,444 --> 00:08:33,564 And get one for me, with a side of hot sauce, 221 00:08:33,566 --> 00:08:35,609 a condiment I enjoy independently 222 00:08:35,611 --> 00:08:37,073 of its relation to the black vote. 223 00:08:37,075 --> 00:08:39,647 Because I'm running for President! 224 00:08:41,050 --> 00:08:42,969 Thank you, rich God. 225 00:08:48,414 --> 00:08:50,093 If we're going into battle, 226 00:08:50,095 --> 00:08:53,095 we need our breathable rayon armor. 227 00:08:53,097 --> 00:08:54,816 Blue. Hillary Clinton. 228 00:08:54,818 --> 00:08:57,337 Connotes leadership, power, rigidity. 229 00:08:57,339 --> 00:08:59,338 Brownish-grey. Chelsea Clinton. 230 00:08:59,340 --> 00:09:00,579 Connotes subservience, 231 00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:02,220 laughing when it's not that funny, 232 00:09:02,222 --> 00:09:04,341 walking behind me when the sidewalk gets too narrow, 233 00:09:04,343 --> 00:09:06,507 peeling an orange so ridiculously slow, 234 00:09:06,509 --> 00:09:07,703 you have to go take a walk 235 00:09:07,705 --> 00:09:09,569 - just to not scream. - Okay, thank you, Mother. 236 00:09:09,571 --> 00:09:11,705 Green. Huma Abedin! 237 00:09:11,707 --> 00:09:14,507 Connotes poise, perfection, daughterliness. 238 00:09:14,509 --> 00:09:16,874 Didn't Huma's husband, Anthony Weiner, 239 00:09:16,876 --> 00:09:19,205 single-handedly annihilate your last campaign? 240 00:09:19,207 --> 00:09:20,824 We all have a perverted husband 241 00:09:20,826 --> 00:09:23,352 whose sexual addiction dissolves our political career. 242 00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:25,353 But this time, we are playing it safe. 243 00:09:25,355 --> 00:09:27,474 You can do whatever you want to each other! 244 00:09:27,476 --> 00:09:28,915 Just don't leave the yard! 245 00:09:28,917 --> 00:09:31,244 Fresh air, acorns, sprinkler... 246 00:09:31,246 --> 00:09:33,598 I've done way worse with way less! 247 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:37,000 Okay, Elon, this better be worth 248 00:09:37,002 --> 00:09:39,281 the billion dollars we siphoned from CHIP. 249 00:09:39,283 --> 00:09:40,562 What is that? 250 00:09:40,564 --> 00:09:42,483 It's an Oval Office simulator. 251 00:09:42,485 --> 00:09:45,004 It will deadass make the President think 252 00:09:45,006 --> 00:09:47,486 all his orders are being followed A-F as fuck. 253 00:09:47,488 --> 00:09:49,727 But no transmissions will go in or out. 254 00:09:49,729 --> 00:09:52,849 You can say "Bye, Felicia" to defending him on television. 255 00:09:52,851 --> 00:09:55,050 - Go ahead. Say it. - Bye, Felicia. 256 00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:57,211 Lé cool. I'm here for this. 257 00:09:57,213 --> 00:09:58,532 Cue the simulator! 258 00:09:58,534 --> 00:10:00,133 Ass-ass, Captain! 259 00:10:05,098 --> 00:10:08,858 The key to any successful campaign is small-dollar donors. 260 00:10:08,860 --> 00:10:10,659 Let's split up. You take the Bronx. 261 00:10:10,661 --> 00:10:13,020 Remember... no donation is too small. 262 00:10:13,022 --> 00:10:14,061 Here's a coin pouch! 263 00:10:14,063 --> 00:10:15,501 Yeah, let me rap 264 00:10:15,503 --> 00:10:19,464 my 70-year-old knuckles on a million doors, or... ? 265 00:10:19,466 --> 00:10:21,561 Add as many zeros as it'll take to win. 266 00:10:21,563 --> 00:10:23,386 The campaign announcement is tomorrow. 267 00:10:23,388 --> 00:10:25,619 Are you available to volunteer for our 268 00:10:25,621 --> 00:10:27,924 "Count Me In" phone bank in Gowanus? 269 00:10:27,926 --> 00:10:29,508 Hillary, uh, who is this? 270 00:10:29,510 --> 00:10:32,551 Go wait in the stairwell, Chels. Mommy's panhandling. 271 00:10:35,075 --> 00:10:37,727 Was there always a freezing-cold elevator ride 272 00:10:37,729 --> 00:10:39,115 to the Oval Office? 273 00:10:39,117 --> 00:10:40,577 Uh, yeah, you built it. 274 00:10:40,579 --> 00:10:42,397 They gave you the Nobel Prize for it. 275 00:10:42,399 --> 00:10:44,838 Yeah, and you guys said I couldn't build it! 276 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,399 - Remember? - Uh-huh. 277 00:10:46,401 --> 00:10:49,681 Stand by. That feeling when the eagle has landed goals. 278 00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:51,642 What's this joystick doing here? 279 00:10:51,644 --> 00:10:53,163 Uh, that's the same joystick 280 00:10:53,165 --> 00:10:54,443 George Washington used to fight the Pilgrims. 281 00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,084 Fight the Pilgrims. Yeah, I know. 282 00:10:57,447 --> 00:10:59,303 Howdy, Mr. Trump! I'm Charlie! 283 00:10:59,305 --> 00:11:02,663 Are you ready for your day as President? Wa-goo! 284 00:11:02,665 --> 00:11:05,087 Who's Charlie? He's kinda scary. 285 00:11:05,089 --> 00:11:07,531 Only the coolest White House mascot on Earth! 286 00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:09,252 What the fuck am I even saying? 287 00:11:09,254 --> 00:11:11,896 Select a mission! Lunch or de-escalating 288 00:11:11,898 --> 00:11:14,654 Turkey's military operations in Northern Syria? 289 00:11:14,656 --> 00:11:16,558 Well, you can't eat Syria. 290 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:17,857 You've selected "Lunch". 291 00:11:17,859 --> 00:11:19,913 How many pounds of lunch would you like? 292 00:11:19,915 --> 00:11:23,340 No one's ever asked! 293 00:11:24,743 --> 00:11:26,859 I stayed up all night writing the speech 294 00:11:26,861 --> 00:11:28,750 because I was so excited 295 00:11:28,752 --> 00:11:30,657 and because you only booked a two-bedroom 296 00:11:30,659 --> 00:11:32,268 so I had to sleep in the lobby 297 00:11:32,270 --> 00:11:34,315 with a bag of Minute Maid apple juice as a pillow. 298 00:11:34,317 --> 00:11:35,990 Lordy, was that the speech? 299 00:11:35,992 --> 00:11:38,711 Mom, I'm gonna rock this. Check this out. 300 00:11:38,713 --> 00:11:41,713 "The degradation of norms has never been more..." 301 00:11:41,715 --> 00:11:43,554 Boring! Check this out. 302 00:11:43,556 --> 00:11:45,755 "A lot of people are using their apps 303 00:11:45,757 --> 00:11:48,317 to listen to Lizzo". Pause for woo-woo's. 304 00:11:48,319 --> 00:11:52,239 "But I think they should Lizz-show up on Election Day 305 00:11:52,241 --> 00:11:54,400 and vote for Hillary Clinton!" 306 00:11:55,843 --> 00:11:58,603 If you can brilliantly interweave pop culture 307 00:11:58,605 --> 00:12:01,774 with revolutionary status-quo ideology like that, 308 00:12:01,776 --> 00:12:02,805 you got the gig. 309 00:12:02,807 --> 00:12:05,527 "The cruelty and incompetence 310 00:12:05,529 --> 00:12:07,928 of this administration 311 00:12:07,930 --> 00:12:11,650 has never been more... Riverdale?" 312 00:12:11,652 --> 00:12:14,412 That's a Lizz-no from me, dawg! 313 00:12:14,414 --> 00:12:16,453 Wait! 314 00:12:16,455 --> 00:12:19,935 "A lot of teens are watching The C-W... 315 00:12:19,937 --> 00:12:21,376 My God. 316 00:12:21,378 --> 00:12:22,937 ... but I wanna know... 317 00:12:22,939 --> 00:12:24,898 how can we have those teens 318 00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:29,740 'C' Hillary to the 'W' House?" 319 00:12:29,742 --> 00:12:33,182 Huma, could you go get Chelsea the purple pant suit? 320 00:12:33,184 --> 00:12:37,425 The one that connotes tolerability? 321 00:12:37,427 --> 00:12:41,707 Waaaa-goo, Mr. President! 322 00:12:41,709 --> 00:12:43,268 You've rammed a Chinese ship, 323 00:12:43,270 --> 00:12:45,749 received a public apology from Bette Midler, 324 00:12:45,751 --> 00:12:48,831 inspired a standing ovation at the Teen Choice Awards, 325 00:12:48,833 --> 00:12:51,473 and planted Jim Acosta in the path of a lawnmower! 326 00:12:51,475 --> 00:12:54,108 Ahh! Gotta pop open a window, 327 00:12:54,110 --> 00:12:56,319 and hear that Acosta squeal! 328 00:12:56,321 --> 00:12:58,143 - Oh, my God! We're done for! - Not the window! 329 00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:01,639 Oh, he's being extra, and it's, like, low-key not a mood. 330 00:13:01,641 --> 00:13:03,440 Release the golden hat! 331 00:13:03,442 --> 00:13:05,264 Congratulations! 332 00:13:05,266 --> 00:13:07,716 Your ninth lunch has somehow brokered peace 333 00:13:07,718 --> 00:13:09,363 between the Kurds and the Turks! 334 00:13:09,365 --> 00:13:10,764 I had a feeling it might. 335 00:13:10,766 --> 00:13:12,974 You've unlocked a golden hat! 336 00:13:12,976 --> 00:13:14,726 Whoa, ho, ho, ho! 337 00:13:14,728 --> 00:13:17,848 I've always wanted this thing I just found out about. 338 00:13:17,850 --> 00:13:20,009 Holy crap! It worked! 339 00:13:20,011 --> 00:13:23,531 We've trapped the President in a glorified phone game! 340 00:13:23,533 --> 00:13:27,213 Who's to say we're all not living in a phone game? 341 00:13:27,215 --> 00:13:30,246 Who's to say we're all not simply living in a phone game? 342 00:13:30,248 --> 00:13:31,711 Yeah, we heard you. 343 00:13:31,713 --> 00:13:33,152 Breaking news. 344 00:13:33,154 --> 00:13:35,637 As has been long-rumored and instinctually feared, 345 00:13:35,639 --> 00:13:36,858 - Hillary Clinton is officially - _ 346 00:13:36,860 --> 00:13:38,820 entering the race for the Democratic nomination. 347 00:13:38,822 --> 00:13:40,741 - The Beast of Benghazi, - _ 348 00:13:40,743 --> 00:13:42,702 the Satan of the Servers 349 00:13:42,704 --> 00:13:46,264 has awoken from her four-year volcanic slumber! 350 00:13:46,266 --> 00:13:49,986 Rise all ye minions to battle! 351 00:13:51,709 --> 00:13:54,269 How entitled do you have to be to try and steal 352 00:13:54,271 --> 00:13:56,069 the presidency I'm entitled to? 353 00:13:56,071 --> 00:13:59,454 I'll start drafting my passive-aggressive endorsement. 354 00:13:59,456 --> 00:14:00,952 It's 63 degrees today... 355 00:14:00,954 --> 00:14:03,113 she'll get a sun stroke and drop out. 356 00:14:09,639 --> 00:14:12,919 A lot of people are using Instagram. 357 00:14:12,921 --> 00:14:14,320 Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! 358 00:14:14,322 --> 00:14:16,561 But this President's domestic policies 359 00:14:16,563 --> 00:14:19,162 have me sliding out of his DMs 360 00:14:19,164 --> 00:14:21,364 and into the voting booth! 361 00:14:22,726 --> 00:14:24,285 In fact, I think 362 00:14:24,287 --> 00:14:27,367 he can't honor his sacred oath to the Constitution 363 00:14:27,369 --> 00:14:30,089 because he's too busy eating hamberders! 364 00:14:30,091 --> 00:14:32,450 - Whoo! - I love politics! 365 00:14:32,452 --> 00:14:34,489 This speech will seal the deal. 366 00:14:34,491 --> 00:14:36,089 I think we're looking at our next 367 00:14:36,091 --> 00:14:39,494 Deputy Press Secretary for North African Digital Outreach. 368 00:14:39,496 --> 00:14:42,376 Without further ado, please welcome 369 00:14:42,378 --> 00:14:45,898 the winner of the 2016 popular vote... 370 00:14:47,461 --> 00:14:52,021 ... and the winner of the 2020 electoral vote... 371 00:14:52,023 --> 00:14:53,782 Uh-huhhh! 372 00:14:53,784 --> 00:14:56,424 ... and the only candidate whose campaign will be funded 373 00:14:56,426 --> 00:14:59,545 entirely by the billionaire class! 374 00:14:59,547 --> 00:15:01,963 Ha ha... yeah! 375 00:15:01,965 --> 00:15:05,109 Yes, sir! Michael Bloomberg is bankrolling her campaign 376 00:15:05,111 --> 00:15:08,070 as long as she continues to keep his tax bracket 377 00:15:08,072 --> 00:15:10,712 at a rate of zero or below! 378 00:15:10,714 --> 00:15:12,175 Uh, what's this? 379 00:15:12,177 --> 00:15:16,355 In the words of my mother not one hour ago... 380 00:15:16,357 --> 00:15:18,036 Don't quote me, don't quote me. 381 00:15:18,038 --> 00:15:20,761 ... quote, "I can rap my 70-year-old knuckles 382 00:15:20,763 --> 00:15:21,958 on a million doors, 383 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,359 or I can strut into the Bloomberg building 384 00:15:24,361 --> 00:15:26,511 and sell America's soul 385 00:15:26,513 --> 00:15:29,923 to the ninth-richest man in the world!" 386 00:15:31,365 --> 00:15:33,925 Lizz-oh my God. 387 00:15:35,288 --> 00:15:38,327 Hillary Clinton seems to be alienating 388 00:15:38,329 --> 00:15:40,328 - the coveted "voter" demographic, - _ 389 00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:43,850 while President Trump hasn't had a single recent controversy. 390 00:15:43,852 --> 00:15:46,619 Here to comment, Kellyanne Conway and Larry Kudlow. 391 00:15:46,621 --> 00:15:49,243 We're proud to announce that, this week, the President 392 00:15:49,245 --> 00:15:52,125 hasn't tweeted a single genocidally complicit tweet. 393 00:15:52,127 --> 00:15:55,137 ♪ Ba-ba-da-ba, ba-ba-baaaa! ♪ 394 00:15:55,139 --> 00:15:57,898 That's great. Okay. Bye-bye! 395 00:15:57,900 --> 00:16:01,170 Wait! No questions or condemnations or anything? 396 00:16:01,172 --> 00:16:03,502 Eh, since the President hasn't said or done 397 00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:06,663 anything reprehensible, there's nothing to discuss. 398 00:16:06,665 --> 00:16:08,625 In other news, j... 399 00:16:08,627 --> 00:16:11,134 Did the President just do something outrageous? 400 00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:13,277 I j... I just wanted to, uh... 401 00:16:13,279 --> 00:16:15,381 Are you caught up on The Masked Singer? 402 00:16:15,383 --> 00:16:18,251 Kelly, the interview's over. I'm a serious newsman, 403 00:16:18,253 --> 00:16:20,271 and you're wasting my precious air time. 404 00:16:20,273 --> 00:16:22,544 - Nooooooo! - Coming up, I'll share 405 00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:25,648 one of the cartoons I made during office hours. 406 00:16:25,650 --> 00:16:28,953 Billionaires buying my influence 407 00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:30,414 is for us to know... 408 00:16:30,416 --> 00:16:32,438 and for the American people to find out 409 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:35,538 when they're forced to buy their own surgical tools off Amazon. 410 00:16:35,540 --> 00:16:38,419 I just wanted to be a leader like you, 411 00:16:38,421 --> 00:16:41,141 but I'm a no-good sole heir to the most un-killable 412 00:16:41,143 --> 00:16:42,982 political dynasty in the modern era. 413 00:16:42,984 --> 00:16:45,383 Don't worry. Your father's proclivities 414 00:16:45,385 --> 00:16:48,345 have made me an expert on quashing scandals. 415 00:16:48,347 --> 00:16:51,667 Thank you, Mother! I knew you'd always be there for... 416 00:16:51,669 --> 00:16:54,428 Chelsea Clinton is no longer associated 417 00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:56,550 with this campaign or family! 418 00:16:56,552 --> 00:16:58,271 It's sick, what she did! 419 00:16:58,273 --> 00:17:00,432 She's the bad Clinton now. Everyone write that down. 420 00:17:00,434 --> 00:17:03,393 In her stead, we will be adopting a new daughter, 421 00:17:03,395 --> 00:17:05,034 Huma Abedin! 422 00:17:05,036 --> 00:17:06,955 We look forward to a peaceful transition. 423 00:17:06,957 --> 00:17:08,116 What's all this? 424 00:17:08,118 --> 00:17:09,997 We'll talk about it later, Chels! 425 00:17:09,999 --> 00:17:11,798 ♪ Awk-ward ♪ 426 00:17:14,282 --> 00:17:16,441 Tapper, baby, wassup, man? 427 00:17:16,443 --> 00:17:18,402 You need some guests for the show today? 428 00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:20,923 You can roll your eyes while Larry and I rationalize 429 00:17:20,925 --> 00:17:23,365 the President fracking an inner-city playground! 430 00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:26,687 The President's old hat. No one's heard from him in days. 431 00:17:26,689 --> 00:17:29,848 And you two are getting on a Tapper's last nerve! 432 00:17:29,850 --> 00:17:32,170 I'm so glad he said yes. 433 00:17:32,172 --> 00:17:35,572 I can't wait to go on television... 434 00:17:35,574 --> 00:17:38,293 Oh, God! Someone call 9-1-1! 435 00:17:38,295 --> 00:17:41,495 Actually, hold on. 436 00:17:44,499 --> 00:17:48,219 Sorry. I had to flush my old drugs down the toilet. 437 00:17:48,221 --> 00:17:49,820 It was from an old jacket. 438 00:17:49,822 --> 00:17:51,941 You know, I'm off that stuff now. 439 00:17:51,943 --> 00:17:55,063 That's old Kudlow. New Kudlow... clean Kuds! 440 00:17:55,065 --> 00:17:56,744 Anyway, let's get you some help. 441 00:17:56,746 --> 00:17:59,105 Okay. Now someone can call! 442 00:17:59,107 --> 00:18:01,827 I hope you're happy, Mother! 443 00:18:01,829 --> 00:18:04,908 I am so politically toxic, Simon & Schuster said 444 00:18:04,910 --> 00:18:07,070 "Color-Blind Hedge-Fund: The Lakelynne White Story" 445 00:18:07,072 --> 00:18:09,671 - has been shelved! - Take a step back. 446 00:18:09,673 --> 00:18:13,593 I did what's best for Americans, specifically one American, me. 447 00:18:13,595 --> 00:18:17,876 I was so wrong to spend my every waking minute admiring you! 448 00:18:17,878 --> 00:18:19,917 - Dad, let's go. - Sorry, Chels! 449 00:18:19,919 --> 00:18:21,638 Your mother has a manilla folder 450 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,399 that makes our arrangement extremely binding. 451 00:18:24,401 --> 00:18:26,200 I need to get out of this house. 452 00:18:26,202 --> 00:18:27,881 I'm getting a four-star hotel. 453 00:18:27,883 --> 00:18:29,442 I'll charge the foundation. 454 00:18:29,444 --> 00:18:31,924 Yeah, I know how to charge the foundation myself! 455 00:18:33,647 --> 00:18:37,447 If you're gonna Lizz-go, then just Lizz-go! 456 00:18:44,293 --> 00:18:47,052 Welcome to tonight's Democratic Debate. 457 00:18:47,054 --> 00:18:48,973 I'm Anderson Cooper, and I've never once felt 458 00:18:48,975 --> 00:18:50,294 a hint of imposter syndrome. 459 00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:52,695 Hi, Andy. How's your new Springer Spaniel? 460 00:18:52,697 --> 00:18:55,057 Please refrain from revealing we all know each other socially. 461 00:18:55,059 --> 00:18:57,378 Secretary Clinton, what do you think your voice brings 462 00:18:57,380 --> 00:18:59,179 to the 2020 primary election? 463 00:18:59,181 --> 00:19:02,301 I'm just here to represent the issues of my constituents. 464 00:19:02,303 --> 00:19:05,583 And billionaires, according to your own daughter! Boom! 465 00:19:05,585 --> 00:19:07,144 Oooohhhhh! 466 00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,544 I can take the heat. 467 00:19:08,546 --> 00:19:10,986 Otherwise, why would my bag contain hot sauce? 468 00:19:10,988 --> 00:19:14,068 Hey! Cultural appropriation is my gaffe. Get your own! 469 00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:16,069 Look, Hillary, w-we don't need you. 470 00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:17,910 We got your whole thing covered. 471 00:19:17,912 --> 00:19:20,791 I'm the billionaire shill, Warren's the pissy mom, 472 00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:22,833 Bernie's the one with a hospital bracelet, 473 00:19:22,835 --> 00:19:24,714 and Pete's the one who wants it too bad! 474 00:19:24,716 --> 00:19:27,435 Hey! Hey! Can I say something? 475 00:19:27,437 --> 00:19:29,556 I just wanted to say 476 00:19:29,558 --> 00:19:32,198 that there's still some work to be done in Iraq. 477 00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:37,201 I'm still mad at her, but she's got a point about Iraq. 478 00:19:39,004 --> 00:19:41,843 Hey, let's just watch Tapper until the cops get here. 479 00:19:41,845 --> 00:19:43,524 Pretend he's scolding you! 480 00:19:43,526 --> 00:19:45,205 Hillary Clinton's back in the race, 481 00:19:45,207 --> 00:19:46,806 which brings us to tonight's 482 00:19:46,808 --> 00:19:49,328 - President Chump: Hillary Edition. - _ 483 00:19:49,330 --> 00:19:52,890 Hillary Clinton is racing for the Democratic nomination. 484 00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:54,290 But without Chelsea Clinton, 485 00:19:54,292 --> 00:19:57,252 her political boat has started to... rock, 486 00:19:57,254 --> 00:20:00,494 a genre of music made famous by British celebrity 487 00:20:00,496 --> 00:20:02,175 Keith Richards. 488 00:20:02,177 --> 00:20:04,496 No comment has been made by President Chump, 489 00:20:04,498 --> 00:20:06,938 which seems... fishy? 490 00:20:06,940 --> 00:20:09,379 Perhaps the President is out to sea, 491 00:20:09,381 --> 00:20:13,221 aboard his favorite vessel, the USS Unaccountable. 492 00:20:15,384 --> 00:20:16,783 And that's our show. 493 00:20:16,785 --> 00:20:19,385 Sorry we didn't get to any news at all. 494 00:20:19,387 --> 00:20:20,865 Stay with me, Kellyanne! 495 00:20:20,867 --> 00:20:23,027 Losing relevance... fast! 496 00:20:23,029 --> 00:20:25,708 Broadcast television! Hurry! 497 00:20:27,511 --> 00:20:29,590 A chardonnay and a shot of hot sauce, please? 498 00:20:29,592 --> 00:20:30,714 Stop it. 499 00:20:30,716 --> 00:20:33,353 Is this seat bought by the oligarchal class? 500 00:20:33,355 --> 00:20:34,953 I just don't get it, Bernie. 501 00:20:34,955 --> 00:20:37,315 I thought everyone wanted me to run again. 502 00:20:37,317 --> 00:20:40,227 You ever love someone, but sometimes some of the things 503 00:20:40,229 --> 00:20:41,891 they say make your skin crawl? 504 00:20:41,893 --> 00:20:43,398 Chelsea! Is yours Chelsea, too? 505 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:46,240 What I'm saying is that's how America feels about you. 506 00:20:46,242 --> 00:20:48,561 Just because everybody retweets you calling 507 00:20:48,563 --> 00:20:50,522 Donald Trump "Lord Voldo-moron"... 508 00:20:50,524 --> 00:20:52,603 - So true! - ... doesn't mean they trust you 509 00:20:52,605 --> 00:20:54,605 to stand up to Wall Street executives 510 00:20:54,607 --> 00:20:56,886 when you're sharing an au pair with them! 511 00:20:56,888 --> 00:20:58,876 Maybe people would've liked me 512 00:20:58,878 --> 00:21:01,981 if I had someone's "grassroots" endorsement! 513 00:21:01,983 --> 00:21:05,253 Don't start. I campaigned for you more than anyone else! 514 00:21:05,255 --> 00:21:07,934 "Oh, I don't know. I guess if you have to vote, 515 00:21:07,936 --> 00:21:09,855 vote for, uh, Hillary something". 516 00:21:09,857 --> 00:21:12,617 It was a full-throated endorsement! 517 00:21:12,619 --> 00:21:14,298 The throat was full! 518 00:21:15,700 --> 00:21:18,060 Thirty-six hours on, fifteen minutes off. 519 00:21:18,062 --> 00:21:20,381 - Time to get back to work. - Mr. President, 520 00:21:20,383 --> 00:21:22,462 you need to come out of the Oval Office 521 00:21:22,464 --> 00:21:26,144 and do something racist or start a fire or something. 522 00:21:26,146 --> 00:21:27,745 - Charlie?! - No, idiot! 523 00:21:27,747 --> 00:21:29,466 Charlie's not real! 524 00:21:29,468 --> 00:21:31,748 We created a whole fake Oval Office 525 00:21:31,750 --> 00:21:35,109 so we didn't have to defend you when you tweet stuff like 526 00:21:35,111 --> 00:21:38,631 "Happy Labor Day to Whites and non-Whites alike". 527 00:21:38,633 --> 00:21:42,314 I'd rather live in a simulated perfect world 528 00:21:42,316 --> 00:21:43,954 where everything I say goes 529 00:21:43,956 --> 00:21:45,796 than a sometimes rainy real world 530 00:21:45,798 --> 00:21:47,717 where everything I say goes. 531 00:21:47,719 --> 00:21:49,398 - Waaa-goo! - But, Kellyanne, man. 532 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,920 S-She needs broadcast television, stat. 533 00:21:51,922 --> 00:21:53,240 She's gonna wither away! 534 00:21:53,242 --> 00:21:56,762 Oh, no! One of my employees is in peril! 535 00:21:56,764 --> 00:21:58,803 There's no words you could say, Kudlow... 536 00:21:58,805 --> 00:22:01,645 not one string of words in the world 537 00:22:01,647 --> 00:22:03,045 that could possibly pull me 538 00:22:03,047 --> 00:22:04,966 out of this incredibly stinky paradise. 539 00:22:04,968 --> 00:22:06,287 Hillary Clinton's 540 00:22:06,289 --> 00:22:09,529 - running for President. - You say what now? 541 00:22:09,531 --> 00:22:11,810 Chelsea? It's Hillary Rodham Clinton. 542 00:22:11,812 --> 00:22:15,212 Go away, Mother! I'm drinking my pillow! 543 00:22:15,214 --> 00:22:16,933 I wanted to say I'm sorry. 544 00:22:16,935 --> 00:22:19,375 Sure, writing books with you never made me happy, 545 00:22:19,377 --> 00:22:21,216 and, sure, I still wish I could fuse 546 00:22:21,218 --> 00:22:24,017 some of my blood into Huma's and slap your name on her, 547 00:22:24,019 --> 00:22:26,819 but at the end of the day, the daughter I've been given 548 00:22:26,821 --> 00:22:28,780 thinks I'm pretty cool, 549 00:22:28,782 --> 00:22:31,021 and that's been great for my ego. 550 00:22:31,023 --> 00:22:33,102 And I'm sorry, too. 551 00:22:33,104 --> 00:22:35,344 It was selfish of me to try and make you proud. 552 00:22:35,346 --> 00:22:37,905 From now on, I'll stick to elevating your image, 553 00:22:37,907 --> 00:22:39,906 no matter how passed out in an unmarked van 554 00:22:39,908 --> 00:22:41,227 from heatstroke you are. 555 00:22:41,229 --> 00:22:42,788 I forgive you, Chelsea. 556 00:22:42,790 --> 00:22:45,389 Now, what do you say we call off this campaign 557 00:22:45,391 --> 00:22:47,471 and get back to scouting Craigslist 558 00:22:47,473 --> 00:22:50,312 for desperate ghostwriters? 559 00:22:52,355 --> 00:22:54,274 Hillary! 560 00:22:55,517 --> 00:22:59,077 Must... roast... Hillary! 561 00:22:59,079 --> 00:23:02,039 No bars! Can't tweet! 562 00:23:02,041 --> 00:23:05,761 Hillary!!! 563 00:23:05,763 --> 00:23:08,068 Breaking: Hillary Clinton 564 00:23:08,070 --> 00:23:10,469 - has suspended her campaign, the shortest - _ 565 00:23:10,471 --> 00:23:12,871 and most whip and nae-nae filled in history. 566 00:23:12,873 --> 00:23:14,312 Let's take it live. 567 00:23:14,314 --> 00:23:17,513 I have bad news for the 200 million Americans 568 00:23:17,515 --> 00:23:19,635 who planned to vote for me this November... 569 00:23:20,877 --> 00:23:24,678 Turn on the cameras! 570 00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,210 I have to insult Hillary! 571 00:23:27,212 --> 00:23:29,514 This campaign was never about me. 572 00:23:29,516 --> 00:23:32,539 It was about the millions of Americans who idolize me. 573 00:23:32,541 --> 00:23:36,004 But it's time for me to make room for the new Blue wave. 574 00:23:36,006 --> 00:23:37,708 That's why I'm endorsing 575 00:23:37,710 --> 00:23:40,773 fresh-thinking up-and-comer Jeff Bezos! 576 00:23:40,775 --> 00:23:43,757 A chicken in every pot, a crap in every pants. 577 00:23:43,759 --> 00:23:46,142 And now my nice daughter, Chelsea, 578 00:23:46,144 --> 00:23:48,211 - will say a few words. - I n... 579 00:23:48,213 --> 00:23:50,812 And we're cutting away from Hillary's campaign suspension 580 00:23:50,814 --> 00:23:53,334 to the White House, where Donald Trump has emerged 581 00:23:53,336 --> 00:23:55,175 a little worse for wear. 582 00:23:55,177 --> 00:23:56,736 - Ohh! - _ 583 00:23:56,738 --> 00:23:59,577 Crooked Hillary needs to be locked up! 584 00:23:59,579 --> 00:24:02,259 She's colluded with John McCain, 585 00:24:02,261 --> 00:24:05,981 with Benghazi because she's inside the Ukraine! 586 00:24:05,983 --> 00:24:09,006 Rehr-rehr! Don't let her get away! 587 00:24:09,008 --> 00:24:10,784 Now, who on Earth would defend 588 00:24:10,786 --> 00:24:12,988 this kind of behavior from the President? 589 00:24:12,990 --> 00:24:14,626 Well, helloooo, Jake! 590 00:24:14,628 --> 00:24:15,990 - Aaggghhhhh! - It's great to be back. 591 00:24:15,992 --> 00:24:19,148 The fake news media are once again spreading baseless lies. 592 00:24:19,150 --> 00:24:21,030 The President wishes Hillary well. 593 00:24:21,032 --> 00:24:24,191 Public trial! Town square! 594 00:24:24,193 --> 00:24:26,433 You're really gonna stand by that, 595 00:24:26,435 --> 00:24:28,434 even though it directly contradicts 596 00:24:28,436 --> 00:24:30,395 the live feed we have of him yelling? 597 00:24:30,397 --> 00:24:32,716 That's right! We may be permanently 598 00:24:32,718 --> 00:24:36,078 eroding America's faith in its sacred institutions, 599 00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,039 but at least we're on TV. 600 00:24:38,041 --> 00:24:39,314 Amen to that! 601 00:24:39,316 --> 00:24:42,001 Always a pleasure, Jake, you lying fuck! 602 00:24:43,404 --> 00:24:45,683 "And then Lakelynne White realized 603 00:24:45,685 --> 00:24:49,125 she should remain secretary of her mother's trust fund 604 00:24:49,127 --> 00:24:51,647 and lived happily ever after. 605 00:24:51,649 --> 00:24:54,569 - The end". - Interesting. 606 00:24:54,571 --> 00:24:57,170 It's so good to be writing again now that this whole 607 00:24:57,172 --> 00:24:59,291 "running for President" thing is behind you. 608 00:24:59,293 --> 00:25:02,213 I don't need to be President to be happy. 609 00:25:02,215 --> 00:25:04,694 All I need is my bulletproof ego 610 00:25:04,696 --> 00:25:07,776 telling me that I could easily be President if I wanted, 611 00:25:07,778 --> 00:25:10,498 and my daughter, Chelsea, who I... 612 00:25:10,500 --> 00:25:12,459 ... love! 613 00:25:12,461 --> 00:25:15,180 - Mom! You said it! - Yes, I did. 614 00:25:15,182 --> 00:25:17,141 Now go fetch mommy's Saudi burner phone. 615 00:25:17,143 --> 00:25:19,543 2024 is around the corner! 616 00:26:17,618 --> 00:26:19,641 Trump! 617 00:26:19,643 --> 00:26:22,643 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com - 47155

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