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- Synced and corrected by Firefly
- - www.addic7ed.com -
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_
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I'm Ch... Excuse me.
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I'm Chuck Todd, and I
prefer the middle seat.
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The results are in from
the New Hampshire primary,
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00:00:18,889 --> 00:00:20,737
and Bernie Sanders is the winner.
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I said it... now you Bernie Bros
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can stop Photoshopping me
in the shower with the devil.
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Here's how the candidates
addressed their supporters.
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Uh, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh!
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Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh! Keep it down!
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- We cannot let the DNC know that I won!
- _
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Everyone, very quietly, walk to Nevada.
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If anyone asks, you're throwing
a surprise bachelor party
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00:00:40,826 --> 00:00:43,025
for our work friend Steve.
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Congratulations to Senator Sanders
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on his victory tonight.
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It's clear now it's a two-man race
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between me and Donald Trump!
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You all thought my campaign was dead.
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Turns out I'm the
corpse in a horror flick
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that snaps back to life and
bites your fuckin' face off!
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Rawr-rawr-rawr-rawr-rawr-rawr!
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This race ain't over!
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I just gotta pick myself
up by my bootstraps
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00:01:04,843 --> 00:01:07,683
and look forward to South Carolina!
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- Holy crap! I'm already here!
- _
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My bus quantum leaped me!
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I, Andrew Yang, am
suspending my campaign
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and endorsing Bernie Sanders,
who will advance my message
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of limitless cash for doing nothing.
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Hey, Bernie? Which way is Nevada?
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- West!
- Okay.
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Is west left or right?
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It's that way! Now shut up!
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I have the names of everyone
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who didn't vote for me!
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What am I gonna do
to the people on this list?
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Oh, I don't know, but
I'm excited to find out!
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Wait! I've figured out
my path to the nomination!
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Ah, crap! I forgot about the votes!
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Anytime I eat a ham-and-turkey sandwich,
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I imagine a turkey and a pig
fightin' it out in my guts!
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Anyway, vote for me, Barack Obama.
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We all know where this
is goin'. Let's do this.
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I, Peter Paul Montgomery
Buttigieg, do solemnly swear
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that I will faithfully
execute the office of the...
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Hey, Pete! I see you didn't vote for me!
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Everyone run. Go! Go! Go!
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00:02:04,487 --> 00:02:08,368
Okay. Who broke the TV?
It's not playing my face.
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Oh, this? It's my diploma from Harvard.
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What a great fundraiser, huh?
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We've already raised enough
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to cover your legal
fees for three weeks!
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Let's get week four
covered... where's the NRA?
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00:02:27,144 --> 00:02:29,984
Hold on. Is that Brett
Kavanaugh I smell?
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Hey, girlfriend!
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I shouldn't even be here,
but I owe my entire career
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to your ignorance of my
much-publicized crimes!
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GLGLGLGLGLG! Why is
this straw doing this?!
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I'm a good man!
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Hey! Ted Cruz! You here to lick my ass?
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It's what I do!
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Say, I've been lookin' everywhere.
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Where are your adoring media sycophants?
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Oh, Fox News?
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You know those guys... work, work, work.
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Is everything alright?
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It sounds like when my wife found out
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the true nature of my character
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and started sleeping in the garage.
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Everything's fine.
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We're in such a healthy relationship...
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I say and do whatever I want,
and they tell me I'm great.
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00:03:06,413 --> 00:03:08,236
I've been told I was
great my whole life,
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and now I'm perfectly well-adjusted.
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Waiter! Why are your straws
trying to destroy my family?!
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Oh, my God,
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Fox News, what a night.
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The bartender cut off Brett Kavanaugh,
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so he chugged the contents
of a fire extinguisher and...
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Fox News!
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Americans are tired of politicians
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attempting to improve their lives.
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You're cheating on me with a Democrat?!
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00:03:35,074 --> 00:03:38,035
Does me transcribing your
entire day's programming
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into my tweets mean nothing to you?!
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I'm sleeping at my lawyer's!
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Welcome back to the
Nevada Presidential Forum.
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You already know my
stump speech by heart,
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so I'm gonna skip the words
and just hit the notes.
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In my view...
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For far too long!
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Dude, you gotta speak at Red Rocks!
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That was tremendous. They
gave a standing ovation
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to my five-minute coughing fit.
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You had them eating expired lozenges
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out of the palm of your hand.
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Way to go, Bernie! That's
the sort of grassroots energy
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that carries you straight
to the White House.
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00:04:21,188 --> 00:04:24,092
Thank you. And might I add
that I dig your new look.
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00:04:24,094 --> 00:04:25,750
Let me guess... you also got that jacket
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at Disheveled Dan's Fabric Dump...
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00:04:27,673 --> 00:04:30,182
Off the I-91 on the way to Brattleboro!
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Precisely! Oh, Liz, this
is my brilliant wife,
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00:04:33,137 --> 00:04:37,118
campaign manager, and mother
to our apricot tree, Jane.
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00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,320
Hi, I'm Bernie Sanders' wife,
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00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:41,602
campaign manager, and apricot mother.
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Bernie and I appreciate the
enthusiasm across the country.
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I told ya, she's brilliant.
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00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:49,069
Well, if you'll excuse
me, my cardiologist
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has to run a pipe cleaner
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- through my heart.
- Tremendous!
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One percent. And... Of the one percent.
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O-Of the one percent.
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Don, Ivanka, Don's brother...
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you've probably noticed
that me and Fox News
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00:05:01,944 --> 00:05:04,011
have been fighting a lot,
and Fox News has had
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00:05:04,013 --> 00:05:05,575
some special visitors lately.
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00:05:05,577 --> 00:05:07,142
We know you're breaking up with them.
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00:05:07,144 --> 00:05:09,182
Just promise that Jesse
Watters can still watch
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00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:10,943
Kimberly and I do it gorilla-style.
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Is it because I whizzed in my hamper?
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00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:16,708
It certainly didn't help, but
you guys don't need to worry.
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Fox News and I will get through this.
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We've invested so much in each other.
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00:05:21,313 --> 00:05:23,902
I always thought Obama
was the Lockerbie bomber.
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- Right! Me too!
- I also always thought that right now, too!
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It's like we're meant for each other.
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00:05:27,798 --> 00:05:31,759
This may sound forward, but...
do you want kids in cages?
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For a long time I didn't, but then I met
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the right president, and
now I think I just might.
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What are you doing?
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Ah, I'm just watching TV.
What are you doing?
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Ah, just doing the show you're watching.
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Everything will be fine.
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Fox News is the only
love I've ever known.
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00:05:49,214 --> 00:05:52,534
There's no way this guy's
a hedge-fund manager at 23.
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00:05:52,536 --> 00:05:53,855
Swipe left.
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I've worked my whole life to
advance democratic socialism,
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and now the party is
finally coming around
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on Medicare for All.
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Maybe it's time to escape
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the hustle and bustle
of downtown Burlington
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and settle somewhere in upstate Vermont.
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I think we should downsize anyway.
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00:06:11,310 --> 00:06:13,298
I'm not the Queen of Versailles;
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I don't need one and a half bathrooms.
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After Bernie, it was
Elizabeth Warren's turn
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to woo Nevada voters.
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One percent of the one percent!
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We need to take steps
towards Medicare for All!
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She appropriated Native Americans,
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and now she's appropriating me!
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Remember what the doctor said...
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"Too much arm flailing, and your heart
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will squirt out of your
nose like soft serve".
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Don't get me wrong.
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I am happy to have my issues out there.
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- But come on!
- Don't stress.
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Let's just go sleep on
our rock-hard Murphy bed
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with two inflatable camping pillows.
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I just feel like you need to tell me
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if you're going to see other candidates.
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Whoa! I mean, we gave him a forum,
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but it didn't mean anything!
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Yeah, we were talking
about you the entire time.
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Sometimes it feels like
you don't support my passion
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for extorting foreign governments
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to destroy my political rivals.
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That's ridiculous!
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Tell you what... first
thing tomorrow morning,
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- we're having a phoner.
- Really?!
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Just you, the three of us,
and a million old people
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descending into madness and isolation.
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One percent of the top one
percent of the one percent...
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Bernie, how come you're not asleep?
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I got the five space heaters
on just how you like it.
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00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:32,528
Jane, I am okay with
my opponents jacking my swag,
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00:07:32,530 --> 00:07:35,475
but we all know they're
just gonna ditch my policies
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- when the primary is over.
- Don't be silly.
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00:07:37,654 --> 00:07:40,711
Didn't Joe Biden pledge to
raise taxes on billionaires?
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Yes! But then he winked both
eyes and screamed, "Psych!"
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thinking he was whispering.
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You'll see at the debate.
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I bet more than one of them
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answers a question on wealth inequality
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by whipping out a
landlord's severed head.
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Are you almost ready?
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Yes, Mr. President.
Coming to you in 3, 2, 1.
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00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:01,469
And let's bring on the President!
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00:08:01,471 --> 00:08:03,111
I...
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00:08:03,113 --> 00:08:05,592
Oh, no, Mr. President!
We have breaking news!
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00:08:05,594 --> 00:08:08,360
North Korea has just
tested a nuclear-tipped
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00:08:08,362 --> 00:08:09,876
intercontinental ballistic missile!
196
00:08:09,878 --> 00:08:12,617
Stay tuned to Fox News
for wall-to-wall coverage!
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We will be monitoring and escalating
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00:08:17,185 --> 00:08:18,882
the situation as it unfolds.
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00:08:18,884 --> 00:08:20,483
That's all for today.
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00:08:20,485 --> 00:08:22,605
Mr. President, we are so
sorry we stood you up.
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If you never want to talk to us
again, we totally understand.
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00:08:25,409 --> 00:08:27,603
Also, I think I left a microfleece vest
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00:08:27,605 --> 00:08:29,111
in your office. Could you send it back?
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00:08:29,113 --> 00:08:31,990
It's my favorite microfleece.
You know, never mind. Keep it.
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00:08:31,992 --> 00:08:33,773
Actually, no, send it back if you could.
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00:08:36,885 --> 00:08:39,428
Welcome to tonight's debate in Nevada,
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00:08:39,430 --> 00:08:41,419
home of the greatest movie in
the world... Hangover.
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00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:44,301
I'm Chris Cuomo, and I've read
every issue of Men's Journal.
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00:08:44,303 --> 00:08:46,743
The first question goes
to Vice President Biden.
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Do you support Medicare for All or what?
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Of course. I will
fight to my last breath
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00:08:51,028 --> 00:08:52,502
for whatever the hell you just said.
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00:08:52,504 --> 00:08:54,779
I have a plan that promises Medicare
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00:08:54,781 --> 00:08:57,911
for all who don't read
past the plan's title page!
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00:08:57,913 --> 00:08:59,712
I agree. Medicare for All,
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00:08:59,714 --> 00:09:01,994
Medicare for Some, Medicare for None.
217
00:09:01,996 --> 00:09:04,276
I support any of the above.
218
00:09:04,278 --> 00:09:06,474
Sounds like everyone's
in complete agreement.
219
00:09:06,476 --> 00:09:08,159
Let's go out and steal
some stop signs, ah?
220
00:09:08,161 --> 00:09:09,440
- Whoo!
- Wait!
221
00:09:09,442 --> 00:09:11,704
Yeesh! What do you
want, Mr. Yackety-Yack?
222
00:09:11,706 --> 00:09:15,047
Well, Chris, these candidates
are yacketing my yack.
223
00:09:15,049 --> 00:09:18,406
And the question is, do they
believe in these policies
224
00:09:18,408 --> 00:09:22,129
or are they simply appropriating
them when it's convenient?
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00:09:22,131 --> 00:09:24,811
What did you say? I was
thinking of a naked lady.
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00:09:24,813 --> 00:09:27,117
It is now my mission
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00:09:27,119 --> 00:09:30,383
to hold you all to
the socialist promises
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00:09:30,385 --> 00:09:32,777
you've made during this primary campaign
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00:09:32,779 --> 00:09:36,500
so we can finally bring
compassion to America!
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00:09:37,503 --> 00:09:40,262
Va-va-voom. She is perfect!
231
00:09:41,705 --> 00:09:44,128
Sir, according to the
intelligence reports,
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00:09:44,130 --> 00:09:45,895
the North Koreans are
days from being able
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00:09:45,897 --> 00:09:48,629
- to strike the United States.
- You know what, I'm so over Fox News.
234
00:09:48,631 --> 00:09:50,790
I'm sick of them treating me like trash.
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00:09:50,792 --> 00:09:53,690
I'm smart, I got an ass you
can bounce a quarter off,
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00:09:53,692 --> 00:09:55,914
and any network would
be lucky to have me.
237
00:09:55,916 --> 00:09:57,355
Ooooooooo!
238
00:09:57,357 --> 00:09:58,916
If you're so over Fox News,
239
00:09:58,918 --> 00:10:01,518
call Rupert Murdoch and
break it off right now.
240
00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:04,480
Do it! Do it! Do it!
241
00:10:04,482 --> 00:10:08,356
No, I'm busy. I'm hearing about
Pompeo's nuclear whatever.
242
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:09,669
Nuclear threat to the homeland.
243
00:10:09,671 --> 00:10:12,326
- I knew you weren't over them!
- Oh, my God.
244
00:10:12,328 --> 00:10:13,647
Fine!
245
00:10:14,770 --> 00:10:17,130
It's ringing!
246
00:10:17,132 --> 00:10:18,862
G'day. How ya goin'?
247
00:10:18,864 --> 00:10:21,016
You can keep all your quarters rolled up
248
00:10:21,018 --> 00:10:23,614
because you're never gonna
bounce them off this ass again.
249
00:10:23,616 --> 00:10:24,775
Who's this?
250
00:10:25,978 --> 00:10:28,498
And now the spotlight's on me!
251
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:30,219
♪ Whooaaa ♪
252
00:10:30,221 --> 00:10:32,381
♪ I'm an angel in disguise ♪
253
00:10:32,383 --> 00:10:34,382
♪ And it's time to set me free ♪
254
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:37,104
♪ Put the spotlights on me ♪
255
00:10:37,106 --> 00:10:39,106
♪ Spotlight! ♪
256
00:10:40,789 --> 00:10:43,401
Obviously, I take care of my body.
257
00:10:43,403 --> 00:10:46,246
I have a demanding job, but
I don't take it too seriously.
258
00:10:46,248 --> 00:10:48,110
I have stupid kids. I hope that's okay.
259
00:10:48,112 --> 00:10:50,700
What else? Oh, on the weekends,
I like to get out of the city
260
00:10:50,702 --> 00:10:53,044
and visit my lawyers in
prison. What's your deal?
261
00:10:53,046 --> 00:10:56,004
We usually don't have the
President on our network.
262
00:10:56,006 --> 00:10:59,347
It's mostly just me
yelling at a 400-inch iPad.
263
00:10:59,349 --> 00:11:01,355
Or passing along debate questions
264
00:11:01,357 --> 00:11:03,364
to whoever the DNC tells us to.
265
00:11:03,366 --> 00:11:05,807
This is all new to me,
too. I mean, I just got out
266
00:11:05,809 --> 00:11:07,587
of a really toxic relationship.
267
00:11:07,589 --> 00:11:08,888
It's like I do everything right,
268
00:11:08,890 --> 00:11:10,209
and they still criticize me
269
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:12,771
24 seconds a day, seven days a year.
270
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:14,933
I'm sorry I'm not perfect!
271
00:11:14,935 --> 00:11:17,696
I'm sorry I tweet out
their home addresses
272
00:11:17,698 --> 00:11:20,897
if they use the wrong adjective
to describe my jaw line.
273
00:11:20,899 --> 00:11:22,538
I'm just quirky!
274
00:11:22,540 --> 00:11:26,379
I'm sorry. I-I-I promised myself
I wouldn't talk about my ex!
275
00:11:26,381 --> 00:11:28,742
Hey, look at me. I see
you. You're the President.
276
00:11:28,744 --> 00:11:30,725
And you deserve a network
that respects you through
277
00:11:30,727 --> 00:11:32,639
every one of your public manic episodes.
278
00:11:32,641 --> 00:11:34,710
- Thank you.
- Why don't we bring you home?
279
00:11:34,712 --> 00:11:37,189
Okay. I live in the White House.
280
00:11:37,191 --> 00:11:39,350
And it's hell!
281
00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:42,976
It's Sunday morning. It's
Meet the Presley.
282
00:11:42,978 --> 00:11:44,594
It was Elvis Presley's
birthday last month.
283
00:11:44,596 --> 00:11:46,837
We're here with Bernie
Sanders after he made...
284
00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:47,988
there's no other way to say it...
285
00:11:47,990 --> 00:11:50,438
a splash in the latest
Democratic debate.
286
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,343
Good morning, Senator.
And he is on satellite.
287
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:54,236
Good morning, Doctor
Sanders... Senator Sanders.
288
00:11:54,238 --> 00:11:56,649
- And how are you this fine S...
- Chuck, I'm gonna cut you off
289
00:11:56,651 --> 00:11:58,164
so you can get ahold of yourself.
290
00:11:58,166 --> 00:12:02,323
In my hand, I hold a pledge
that I am very politely
291
00:12:02,325 --> 00:12:05,049
asking all Democratic
candidates to sign... in blood...
292
00:12:05,051 --> 00:12:06,851
stating that, in the general election,
293
00:12:06,853 --> 00:12:09,173
they will support socialist priorities,
294
00:12:09,175 --> 00:12:13,107
namely Medicare for
All and sky-high taxes
295
00:12:13,109 --> 00:12:16,414
for anyone who uses multiple
forks at a single meal.
296
00:12:16,416 --> 00:12:17,638
Wow. Two splashes.
297
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:19,654
What are you, jumping in a pool twice?
298
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,429
And you know what? I'm tossing in here
299
00:12:21,431 --> 00:12:24,775
"ending Chuck Todd's reign on
terror on Meet the Press".
300
00:12:24,777 --> 00:12:26,425
Okay. Wow. That happened.
301
00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:29,986
So it was awkward with CNN.
302
00:12:29,988 --> 00:12:32,312
My first date with my
mistress was brutal.
303
00:12:32,314 --> 00:12:34,270
My other mistress came
in and sat on my lap,
304
00:12:34,272 --> 00:12:35,917
and they started pulling
each other's hair,
305
00:12:35,919 --> 00:12:37,558
smacking each other with floor lamps.
306
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:38,995
It was a weird day at the office.
307
00:12:38,997 --> 00:12:41,623
I guess, worst case, I'll
get a fun live shot out of it.
308
00:12:41,625 --> 00:12:42,917
That's the spirit!
309
00:12:42,919 --> 00:12:45,314
Hey, while you're there,
can you ask Anderson Cooper
310
00:12:45,316 --> 00:12:47,921
if he's got a chunky
aunt for me to go nuts on?
311
00:12:49,644 --> 00:12:53,273
Joey, bubby, are we signing
my socialism pledge or what?
312
00:12:53,275 --> 00:12:55,594
Think how fantastic you're gonna look
313
00:12:55,596 --> 00:12:57,316
with this albatross around your neck.
314
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,114
Yeah, no, I'm not going left, pal.
315
00:12:59,116 --> 00:13:00,648
If anything, I'm thinking about
316
00:13:00,650 --> 00:13:02,779
coming out against public schools!
317
00:13:02,781 --> 00:13:05,684
Liz, it's got the socialism,
the Medicare for All,
318
00:13:05,686 --> 00:13:07,164
the Seizing the Means of Production...
319
00:13:07,166 --> 00:13:09,206
How is that thing gonna play in Florida?
320
00:13:09,208 --> 00:13:11,132
Let me tell you something
about old voters...
321
00:13:11,134 --> 00:13:13,155
they love change and upheaval.
322
00:13:13,157 --> 00:13:14,380
Hello? Young man?
323
00:13:14,382 --> 00:13:16,249
- Is your father home?
- Excuse me?
324
00:13:16,251 --> 00:13:19,258
Amy, Joe Biden is on the other
line begging to sign this.
325
00:13:19,260 --> 00:13:22,453
Oh, he's with you? Okay, I lied.
Ask if he's changed his mind.
326
00:13:22,455 --> 00:13:24,440
Well, what's it gonna take
to get your bloody signature
327
00:13:24,442 --> 00:13:27,342
on my pledge?! So, how
left can I put ya down for?
328
00:13:27,344 --> 00:13:28,848
I'll take out the Medicare for All,
329
00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:30,425
but you gotta give
me the Green New Deal.
330
00:13:30,427 --> 00:13:32,228
It's a steal at 50 trillion.
331
00:13:32,230 --> 00:13:35,109
Tulsi, I didn't wanna have
to go there, but I am dying.
332
00:13:35,111 --> 00:13:38,577
You gotta sign this.
It is my dying wish!
333
00:13:40,762 --> 00:13:43,148
What about North
Korea's continued aggression?
334
00:13:43,150 --> 00:13:44,529
- Do you have a statement?!
- Not really.
335
00:13:44,531 --> 00:13:47,085
I've been pretty much focused
on putting me first for a change.
336
00:13:47,087 --> 00:13:49,006
Oh, h-h-hey, Wolf.
337
00:13:49,008 --> 00:13:50,928
- Hey. How you been?
- Good.
338
00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:53,370
- That dinner the other night went...
- terrible.
339
00:13:53,372 --> 00:13:55,754
So awkward! What was that?
340
00:13:55,756 --> 00:13:57,172
It's been a while.
341
00:13:57,174 --> 00:13:59,654
We haven't given you an
unchecked platform for months.
342
00:13:59,656 --> 00:14:01,135
Totally. Hey...
343
00:14:01,137 --> 00:14:04,006
you wanna see a great view
of the Washington Monument?
344
00:14:06,581 --> 00:14:08,821
- What do you think?
- It's gorgeous.
345
00:14:10,824 --> 00:14:13,380
I don't take any ol'
news network up here.
346
00:14:13,382 --> 00:14:14,844
- You're special.
- You too.
347
00:14:14,846 --> 00:14:17,487
Hey, I have a live
shot later. Wanna join?
348
00:14:18,790 --> 00:14:22,445
I haven't done a live shot
with another network in a while.
349
00:14:22,447 --> 00:14:24,209
Don't worry. We'll take it slow.
350
00:14:24,211 --> 00:14:25,513
Lights on or off?
351
00:14:25,515 --> 00:14:26,780
I like it with the lights on,
352
00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:28,452
so our viewers can see us, you know.
353
00:14:28,454 --> 00:14:29,921
I'm into it if you are.
354
00:14:29,923 --> 00:14:33,519
This is fucked up.
We're on in three, two, one!
355
00:14:33,521 --> 00:14:35,168
- I'm here with President Trump.
- _
356
00:14:35,170 --> 00:14:38,418
Mr. Trump, how does it
feel to be on C... NN?
357
00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:40,324
Feels like I got my groove back.
358
00:14:40,326 --> 00:14:42,486
♪ Spotlight on me ♪
359
00:14:42,488 --> 00:14:45,903
♪ Spotlight! ♪
360
00:14:45,905 --> 00:14:48,328
So you're going to espouse
361
00:14:48,330 --> 00:14:51,217
socialist policies but
not sign the pledge?
362
00:14:51,219 --> 00:14:54,455
That's like driving all the
way down to Disheveled Dan's
363
00:14:54,457 --> 00:14:57,026
and only buying the
itchiest scarf on Earth!
364
00:14:57,028 --> 00:14:58,755
Bernie, this is America, folks!
365
00:14:58,757 --> 00:15:02,109
We spit lefty nonsense,
then once we win the primary,
366
00:15:02,111 --> 00:15:04,271
claim amnesia and run hard right!
367
00:15:04,273 --> 00:15:06,824
Maybe you all need a
little encouragement.
368
00:15:08,707 --> 00:15:10,306
In you go.
369
00:15:10,308 --> 00:15:12,304
The Democrats pay lip service
370
00:15:12,306 --> 00:15:13,469
to progressive ideas,
371
00:15:13,471 --> 00:15:15,755
yet they won't sign a pledge to classify
372
00:15:15,757 --> 00:15:18,723
every Patagonia vest-wearer
as an enemy combatant.
373
00:15:18,725 --> 00:15:21,101
Makes you wonder... are
they beholden to some
374
00:15:21,103 --> 00:15:23,900
shady, vaguely named
Political Action Committees?
375
00:15:23,902 --> 00:15:25,806
Paid for by Americans for
Good Americans Like You
376
00:15:25,808 --> 00:15:27,159
Don't Worry About It PAC.
377
00:15:27,161 --> 00:15:30,587
This airs nationwide
unless you sign by midnight.
378
00:15:30,589 --> 00:15:33,632
And, yes, I will be awake,
trying to take a piss.
379
00:15:36,047 --> 00:15:39,211
Thanks to my fellow
Democrats' signatures
380
00:15:39,213 --> 00:15:42,188
on this pledge, soon
every American will have
381
00:15:42,190 --> 00:15:43,802
the same quality of life
382
00:15:43,804 --> 00:15:47,058
as the unemployed Italian guys
sitting around the palazzo.
383
00:15:47,060 --> 00:15:50,283
And I've just been informed
by Disheveled Dan himself
384
00:15:50,285 --> 00:15:52,371
that each candidate will receive
385
00:15:52,373 --> 00:15:55,874
one free weird brown sweater
with a zipper down the middle
386
00:15:55,876 --> 00:15:57,996
so you're not sure if
it's a sweater or a jacket.
387
00:16:00,679 --> 00:16:03,600
Anyways, it's too dangerous for tourists
388
00:16:03,602 --> 00:16:06,001
to visit the Washington
Monument for at least a decade.
389
00:16:06,003 --> 00:16:10,285
Soooo... is anyone gonna ask
about my live shot with CNN?
390
00:16:10,287 --> 00:16:11,926
Ooh, how'd it go? Spill, bitch.
391
00:16:11,928 --> 00:16:14,808
Amazing. I feel alive again...
392
00:16:14,810 --> 00:16:16,409
My amphetamines taste better,
393
00:16:16,411 --> 00:16:18,891
I want to watch CNN
even when I'm not on it.
394
00:16:18,893 --> 00:16:22,694
Someday I can see me and
CNN having a show together.
395
00:16:22,696 --> 00:16:24,655
- Ooooooo!
- Oh, now, that's nice!
396
00:16:24,657 --> 00:16:26,737
I'm very proud of you for moving on,
397
00:16:26,739 --> 00:16:30,500
especially after what Fox News
did with Joe Biden last night.
398
00:16:30,502 --> 00:16:32,341
- What is wrong with you?!
- What the hell, man?!
399
00:16:32,343 --> 00:16:34,422
W-What did they do with Joe Biden?
400
00:16:34,424 --> 00:16:37,865
Oh, my God. You opposed
bussing? You are so funny!
401
00:16:37,867 --> 00:16:41,308
Whoa. Me? No. You're the funny one!
402
00:16:41,310 --> 00:16:44,270
Wait a minute. Hannity used to
say the same thing to me!
403
00:16:44,272 --> 00:16:46,111
Get a new line, you dog!
404
00:16:46,113 --> 00:16:49,193
Dude, you should revoke
Fox's FCC license.
405
00:16:49,195 --> 00:16:52,196
Oh! Or tweet a picture of my
nads and say they're Hannity's.
406
00:16:52,198 --> 00:16:54,157
No. That's just what we wants.
407
00:16:54,159 --> 00:16:57,199
We're all going to sit down
and be adults about this.
408
00:16:58,883 --> 00:17:00,402
Jane, we did it!
409
00:17:00,404 --> 00:17:03,244
It's only a matter of
time before we are dining
410
00:17:03,246 --> 00:17:05,846
on the vital organs of
Wall Street executives.
411
00:17:05,848 --> 00:17:08,968
That'll be almost as cool
as this Democratic shindig.
412
00:17:08,970 --> 00:17:11,530
- Everyone looks hot tonight!
- What the hell?!
413
00:17:11,532 --> 00:17:13,972
You guys are ripping off
my Bernie rip-off!
414
00:17:13,974 --> 00:17:16,413
Did all yours come with
cigarette butts in the pockets?
415
00:17:16,415 --> 00:17:17,975
Yes.
416
00:17:17,977 --> 00:17:20,657
Jeff Bezos? How the hell
did you get in here?
417
00:17:20,659 --> 00:17:23,339
I'm the richest person ever.
I can do whatever I want.
418
00:17:23,341 --> 00:17:25,278
Yesterday, I bought my car a gift.
419
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,141
I don't know what you
Democrats think you're doing
420
00:17:27,143 --> 00:17:29,143
with this pledge, but
you better knock it off!
421
00:17:29,145 --> 00:17:30,624
And I do mean same-day.
422
00:17:30,626 --> 00:17:32,145
Yes, Mr. Bezos.
423
00:17:32,147 --> 00:17:34,507
Good. Now I must go
explain to authorities
424
00:17:34,509 --> 00:17:37,389
why I shouldn't have to pay
workers in between footsteps.
425
00:17:37,391 --> 00:17:39,110
Oh, and get him!
426
00:17:39,112 --> 00:17:40,351
I just want to reiterate
427
00:17:40,353 --> 00:17:42,433
that this pledge is
the right thing to do.
428
00:17:42,435 --> 00:17:44,835
I'm sure that's more important
than your donor money,
429
00:17:44,837 --> 00:17:46,676
power, and... run!
430
00:17:47,959 --> 00:17:50,479
- Here's your microfleece.
- Thank you.
431
00:17:50,481 --> 00:17:54,161
See? There's no reason that
an autocrat, his old media arm,
432
00:17:54,163 --> 00:17:56,763
and his new media arm
can't all be friends.
433
00:17:56,765 --> 00:17:59,245
I'm so happy to hear you say that.
434
00:17:59,247 --> 00:18:01,687
Fox News is really happy, and
we're happy you're happy, too.
435
00:18:01,689 --> 00:18:04,169
Oh, we're so happy. Tell him, Wolf.
436
00:18:04,171 --> 00:18:06,170
Tell him how happy we are.
437
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:07,651
I shouldn't have ordered scallops.
438
00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:10,854
They're hit... or miss.
I feel like such a bozo.
439
00:18:10,856 --> 00:18:12,575
Ha ha ha ha!
440
00:18:12,577 --> 00:18:14,416
Isn't he funny?!
441
00:18:14,418 --> 00:18:16,938
Tell 'em that funny
thing you said before.
442
00:18:16,940 --> 00:18:19,220
No, it was just funny in the moment.
443
00:18:19,222 --> 00:18:21,942
Oh, it was pretty funny. He's so funny.
444
00:18:21,944 --> 00:18:23,663
- Don't be shy.
- I'm not shy.
445
00:18:23,665 --> 00:18:25,865
I just don't think it
will live up to the hype.
446
00:18:25,867 --> 00:18:27,826
Oh, tell 'em!
447
00:18:27,828 --> 00:18:30,951
I saw a dog and said,
"He should run Congress".
448
00:18:31,951 --> 00:18:34,591
- I am humiliated.
- Delivery was better before.
449
00:18:34,593 --> 00:18:37,113
So, Biden, tell me about you...
450
00:18:37,115 --> 00:18:39,515
You tried to destroy
me, you son of a bitch!
451
00:18:39,517 --> 00:18:41,116
Joe, you promised!
452
00:18:41,118 --> 00:18:44,439
Ooh, sounds like you guys
are doing sooo well.
453
00:18:44,441 --> 00:18:46,960
Wolf, you're skin and
bones. Let me feed you.
454
00:18:46,962 --> 00:18:50,123
I told you, I'm allergic
to nightshade vegetables.
455
00:18:50,125 --> 00:18:52,548
Wolf, you're embarrassing me.
456
00:18:53,854 --> 00:18:56,487
I can't believe Fox
News moved on so quickly!
457
00:18:56,489 --> 00:18:59,290
Did you see how every time
Biden said a talking point,
458
00:18:59,292 --> 00:19:00,410
Hannity winced?
459
00:19:00,412 --> 00:19:01,691
Honeymoon over.
460
00:19:01,693 --> 00:19:04,564
Wow. You really talk
a lot about Fox News.
461
00:19:04,566 --> 00:19:06,055
It was a really special thing.
462
00:19:06,057 --> 00:19:09,377
I mean, I introduced Roger
Ailes to my parents' graves,
463
00:19:09,379 --> 00:19:10,807
but I am so over them.
464
00:19:10,809 --> 00:19:14,260
You know what? I'm gonna revoke
Fox's FCC license right now.
465
00:19:14,262 --> 00:19:16,462
I don't have time to play games.
466
00:19:16,464 --> 00:19:19,304
Do us networks out here
on the scene a favor...
467
00:19:19,306 --> 00:19:23,187
don't mess with our hearts
until yours is open for business.
468
00:19:23,189 --> 00:19:24,628
Let me out here.
469
00:19:24,630 --> 00:19:26,430
Oh, come on, Wolf!
470
00:19:26,432 --> 00:19:28,031
You don't even know where you are!
471
00:19:28,033 --> 00:19:30,152
Your eyes are swollen shut!
472
00:19:30,154 --> 00:19:33,275
Oh, he always gets like
this around the holidays.
473
00:19:35,919 --> 00:19:37,798
Damn it! That's perfectly good wine.
474
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,559
Bernie, are they going to kill us?
475
00:19:39,561 --> 00:19:42,121
Don't worry. We'll be fine
as long as this hatchback
476
00:19:42,123 --> 00:19:43,802
behaves for the next mile
477
00:19:43,804 --> 00:19:46,364
as it has for the first 250,000.
478
00:19:48,608 --> 00:19:50,087
God damn it!
479
00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:52,809
One percent, one percent, one percent!
480
00:19:52,811 --> 00:19:55,171
One day we should try
filling up the tank enough
481
00:19:55,173 --> 00:19:57,933
to make the little gas light turn off.
482
00:19:57,935 --> 00:19:59,814
♪ Some nights are cold ♪
483
00:19:59,816 --> 00:20:03,057
Don't be upset! You got your live shot!
484
00:20:03,059 --> 00:20:06,379
Go find another network.
OAN's been asking about you.
485
00:20:06,381 --> 00:20:08,592
They want it too bad. It's gross.
486
00:20:08,594 --> 00:20:10,182
Those ones are the most fun!
487
00:20:10,184 --> 00:20:13,544
And don't worry... nobody's
gonna find out you're on OAN.
488
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,186
Are you kidding me?!
489
00:20:15,188 --> 00:20:18,308
Kim Jong-un escalating
tensions with the U.S.
490
00:20:18,310 --> 00:20:20,910
North Korea just openly
threatened to nuke Honolulu.
491
00:20:20,912 --> 00:20:22,911
They're acting like I don't even exist!
492
00:20:22,913 --> 00:20:25,713
I'm two seconds away from
swearing off TV forever.
493
00:20:27,751 --> 00:20:30,414
Uh! No! Don't do it!
494
00:20:30,416 --> 00:20:32,438
You're gonna regret it
for the rest of your life!
495
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:33,960
My mind's telling me no,
496
00:20:33,962 --> 00:20:36,401
but my desire to be on
television is telling me...
497
00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:39,123
hubba-hubba
hamana-hamana-hamana awooooga!
498
00:20:44,369 --> 00:20:48,090
Good morning, sunshine!
That live shot was amazing!
499
00:20:48,092 --> 00:20:50,091
You fell asleep the moment it was over.
500
00:20:50,093 --> 00:20:52,453
Ugh! Lou Dobbs?
501
00:20:52,455 --> 00:20:55,255
I can't believe I
appeared on Fox Business.
502
00:20:55,257 --> 00:20:57,377
No, no, no. I get what this is.
503
00:20:57,379 --> 00:20:59,418
So, do you want to get breakfast or... ?
504
00:20:59,420 --> 00:21:02,541
Uh, I-I gotta run. Security
briefings and all that.
505
00:21:02,543 --> 00:21:05,103
Oh, well, I have to sand
down some dead skin anyway.
506
00:21:05,105 --> 00:21:07,384
Y-You have my number. If
you ever want to get coffee
507
00:21:07,386 --> 00:21:09,586
or demonize an entire race...
508
00:21:09,588 --> 00:21:11,307
Yeah, yeah. I-I'll call ya.
509
00:21:11,309 --> 00:21:13,429
- Great. W-When?
- Uh...
510
00:21:13,431 --> 00:21:17,111
ya... duh... red... uh...
511
00:21:18,394 --> 00:21:19,717
I think they're gone.
512
00:21:19,719 --> 00:21:23,192
Sleeping under the glovebox
made me miss our rock-hard bed.
513
00:21:23,194 --> 00:21:24,717
Before we leave, grab the Tupperware
514
00:21:24,719 --> 00:21:26,879
and squeegee some of that wine into it.
515
00:21:26,881 --> 00:21:30,321
I left the Tupperware at home to
soak our weekly lentil portion.
516
00:21:30,323 --> 00:21:32,763
Okay, don't panic! How
do we get Tupperware
517
00:21:32,765 --> 00:21:36,406
to the middle of nowhere fast?
518
00:21:36,408 --> 00:21:38,247
I am so sorry.
519
00:21:38,249 --> 00:21:40,155
Bernie, no! Oh! No!
520
00:21:40,157 --> 00:21:41,900
We have to. We can't waste this wine.
521
00:21:41,902 --> 00:21:45,292
It is sustainable, organic,
and locally sourced!
522
00:21:45,294 --> 00:21:47,976
No one can know that we did this.
523
00:21:48,937 --> 00:21:50,856
Hey.
524
00:21:50,858 --> 00:21:52,938
Hey, Wolf. Here's your microfleece.
525
00:21:52,940 --> 00:21:55,180
These things are so forgettable, huh?
526
00:21:55,182 --> 00:21:58,062
I "forgot" it so I could see you again.
527
00:21:58,064 --> 00:22:00,464
Look, what you have
with Fox News is special.
528
00:22:00,466 --> 00:22:02,825
It's not every day that a
president finds a network
529
00:22:02,827 --> 00:22:05,027
who repeats what he
says unconditionally.
530
00:22:05,029 --> 00:22:08,527
But I can't go back to them.
What if they hurt me again?
531
00:22:08,529 --> 00:22:10,742
State and media relationships are hard,
532
00:22:10,744 --> 00:22:12,559
but knowing you're in
it for something bigger
533
00:22:12,561 --> 00:22:14,394
than either of you pulls you through,
534
00:22:14,396 --> 00:22:16,836
and that something is
enriching yourselves.
535
00:22:16,838 --> 00:22:18,317
You're so right, Wolf.
536
00:22:18,319 --> 00:22:20,318
Hey, is Fox News still
in Midtown Manhattan?
537
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:23,641
Breaking news... with
Fox's FFC license revoked,
538
00:22:23,643 --> 00:22:25,842
they're moving to
London to try their luck
539
00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:28,965
stoking nationalistic paranoia overseas.
540
00:22:28,967 --> 00:22:31,969
Their flight leaves first
thing in the morning.
541
00:22:33,130 --> 00:22:35,546
- Thanks for the ride, Barack.
- Uh, not a problem.
542
00:22:35,548 --> 00:22:37,912
I was in the area location
scouting for a Netflix show
543
00:22:37,914 --> 00:22:40,032
about a guy who thinks
he has it all figured out,
544
00:22:40,034 --> 00:22:41,614
uh, but get this... he doesn't.
545
00:22:41,616 --> 00:22:44,176
So, shifting the party to the
left. You think it's a mistake?
546
00:22:44,178 --> 00:22:46,698
If it were 2008, I'd say, "Big mistake".
547
00:22:46,700 --> 00:22:48,379
- Well, screw you!
- But...
548
00:22:48,381 --> 00:22:50,541
- Oh, there was more.
- ...2008 was a long time ago.
549
00:22:50,543 --> 00:22:52,142
Back then, Mitch McConnell
550
00:22:52,144 --> 00:22:54,103
hadn't fully latched
onto the devil's teat.
551
00:22:54,105 --> 00:22:56,939
So now, I want the
party to move so far left
552
00:22:56,941 --> 00:22:58,928
that to get anything done,
Mitch will have to reach
553
00:22:58,930 --> 00:23:00,828
across the aisle and
shake hands with a bong.
554
00:23:00,830 --> 00:23:02,269
That's what I've been saying!
555
00:23:02,271 --> 00:23:05,031
Now I just need to convince my party
556
00:23:05,033 --> 00:23:06,713
that I caucus with reluctantly.
557
00:23:06,715 --> 00:23:08,954
Better go quick. They're
in Washington right now,
558
00:23:08,956 --> 00:23:11,836
figuring out how to boot
you out of the Beltway.
559
00:23:15,681 --> 00:23:17,881
A North Korean nuclear-armed submarine
560
00:23:17,883 --> 00:23:20,042
has been detected off
the coast of Hawaii,
561
00:23:20,044 --> 00:23:22,884
which is romantic even
for a solo traveler.
562
00:23:22,886 --> 00:23:25,687
The President has yet to
respond because he is attending
563
00:23:25,689 --> 00:23:28,489
to a matter of far greater
importance... true love.
564
00:23:28,491 --> 00:23:30,570
Oh, God. I'm crying.
565
00:23:30,572 --> 00:23:34,453
Ah... ah-ah-ah. Ah.
566
00:23:36,457 --> 00:23:38,536
Are we sure this is the right move?
567
00:23:38,538 --> 00:23:40,457
As sure as I am that
whenever I'm in public,
568
00:23:40,459 --> 00:23:42,937
someone is giving me the
finger one inch behind my head.
569
00:23:42,939 --> 00:23:44,340
You're right.
570
00:23:44,342 --> 00:23:47,983
Wait! Stop the boat
or plane or whatever!
571
00:23:47,985 --> 00:23:50,105
Don't go, Fox News!
572
00:23:50,107 --> 00:23:51,546
It's over, Trump!
573
00:23:51,548 --> 00:23:53,747
We've been DM'ing with Boris Johnson,
574
00:23:53,749 --> 00:23:55,308
and he's just so passionate
575
00:23:55,310 --> 00:23:57,270
about destroying multiculturalism!
576
00:23:57,272 --> 00:23:59,592
And he's got an accent, baby!
577
00:23:59,594 --> 00:24:02,589
I know the mutually beneficial
financial relationship
578
00:24:02,591 --> 00:24:04,265
between the White House
and corporate media
579
00:24:04,267 --> 00:24:05,436
makes things complicated,
580
00:24:05,438 --> 00:24:07,397
but if you're willing to
give me another chance,
581
00:24:07,399 --> 00:24:09,879
I'm willing to shred
the First Amendment!
582
00:24:12,403 --> 00:24:15,123
Are we sure we should
expel Bernie from the caucus?
583
00:24:15,125 --> 00:24:17,231
Fuck him! Not one of the extremely nice
584
00:24:17,233 --> 00:24:18,665
Minnesota racists like him.
585
00:24:18,667 --> 00:24:21,220
I'm convinced, mostly because
Amy said if I defied her,
586
00:24:21,222 --> 00:24:22,489
she'd beat me with my own femur.
587
00:24:22,491 --> 00:24:26,091
Wait! Now, this might be
the wine-windshield wiper fluid
588
00:24:26,093 --> 00:24:28,133
cocktail I just drank, but hear me out!
589
00:24:28,135 --> 00:24:32,296
If we stay left, the people
will follow us off the cliff
590
00:24:32,298 --> 00:24:34,377
onto the utopian rocks below.
591
00:24:34,379 --> 00:24:35,898
We're Americans, Bernie,
592
00:24:35,900 --> 00:24:38,679
and that means we
cherish the freedom to die
593
00:24:38,681 --> 00:24:42,023
in the emergency-room lobby,
begging to see a doctor!
594
00:24:42,025 --> 00:24:44,265
That's what Republicans
want you to think
595
00:24:44,267 --> 00:24:46,426
because they want you to compromise
596
00:24:46,428 --> 00:24:49,469
even though they have zero
intention of doing the same.
597
00:24:49,471 --> 00:24:51,270
So screw compromise!
598
00:24:51,272 --> 00:24:55,193
I didn't compromise on my
bed being made of hickory,
599
00:24:55,195 --> 00:24:58,555
and I haven't regretted it since!
600
00:24:58,557 --> 00:25:01,375
Come on, Fox News! Say yes!
601
00:25:01,377 --> 00:25:03,880
It just feels right!
602
00:25:03,882 --> 00:25:06,441
Look, you've gotta let
us interview Democrats!
603
00:25:06,443 --> 00:25:08,763
The more fair and balanced we appear,
604
00:25:08,765 --> 00:25:10,564
the more we can do for you!
605
00:25:10,566 --> 00:25:12,245
Nope. Sorry. Too insecure.
606
00:25:12,247 --> 00:25:15,328
- Ah! What do you say, Rupert?
- It's moot now.
607
00:25:15,330 --> 00:25:18,250
His propeller ruined the damn jet!
608
00:25:18,252 --> 00:25:20,371
Invoice me! I'll ignore it!
609
00:25:20,373 --> 00:25:23,574
Trump, you son of a bitch. Let's do it!
610
00:25:23,576 --> 00:25:24,738
Let's reestablish
611
00:25:24,740 --> 00:25:27,016
our destructive
co-dependent relationship.
612
00:25:27,018 --> 00:25:30,179
Come here, you boot-licking
garbage slingers!
613
00:25:36,665 --> 00:25:38,825
Come on, Democrats!
614
00:25:38,827 --> 00:25:40,426
You gotta stick with me!
615
00:25:40,428 --> 00:25:43,989
Let's try running on
popular policies for once.
616
00:25:43,991 --> 00:25:45,950
Let's say the things that actually got
617
00:25:45,952 --> 00:25:49,633
my lazy, unshaven supporters
off their couch-beds!
618
00:25:49,635 --> 00:25:52,475
And let's follow
through with some of it!
619
00:25:52,477 --> 00:25:54,597
No more shopping at Disheveled Dan's.
620
00:25:54,599 --> 00:25:56,638
And screw your stupid pledge!
621
00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:58,840
I only spill other people's blood!
622
00:25:58,842 --> 00:26:00,321
Fine. But do me a favor.
623
00:26:00,323 --> 00:26:02,843
When you repeat my ideas word for word,
624
00:26:02,845 --> 00:26:04,324
try to defend them
625
00:26:04,326 --> 00:26:07,447
even after someone raises
the slightest concern?
626
00:26:07,449 --> 00:26:09,748
- Fine.
- No one's happy. Great!
627
00:26:09,750 --> 00:26:11,049
And one more thing.
628
00:26:11,051 --> 00:26:13,130
Disheveled Dan's just rebranded
629
00:26:13,132 --> 00:26:16,053
as Fancy Dan's Dirty
Suits for Dapper Gents,
630
00:26:16,055 --> 00:26:18,134
so you can't stop me, baby!
631
00:26:18,136 --> 00:26:22,577
♪ One percent of one percent
of one percent of one percent ♪
632
00:26:24,141 --> 00:26:27,661
We're so glad you're
back, President Trump.
633
00:26:27,663 --> 00:26:29,664
Thanks for being my
unrepentant mouthpiece.
634
00:26:29,666 --> 00:26:31,289
So, what do you want to talk about?
635
00:26:31,291 --> 00:26:32,893
The North Korea nuclear threat?
636
00:26:32,895 --> 00:26:35,867
I've no idea what you're
talking about. Let's just be.
637
00:26:35,869 --> 00:26:37,695
Sounds good to me. Oh, my God.
638
00:26:37,697 --> 00:26:40,110
Rupert is freaking out about his jet.
639
00:26:40,112 --> 00:26:41,315
Shut up!
640
00:26:41,317 --> 00:26:43,913
What kind of asshole cares
only about material wealth?
641
00:26:43,915 --> 00:26:46,075
Oh, did you hear I
got my catheter gilded?
642
00:26:46,077 --> 00:26:47,796
Ooo!
643
00:27:45,841 --> 00:27:47,864
Trump!
644
00:27:47,866 --> 00:27:50,866
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