Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,777 --> 00:00:04,046
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,112 --> 00:00:07,249
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,349 --> 00:00:10,952
♪ But where are those
good old�fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,019 --> 00:00:13,955
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,022 --> 00:00:17,559
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,626 --> 00:00:20,762
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,862 --> 00:00:22,464
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,531 --> 00:00:23,765
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:23,865 --> 00:00:29,704
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:37,622 --> 00:00:39,157
"Happy Birthday, Dog"?
11
00:00:39,224 --> 00:00:41,760
Sorry, I spaced on your name
at the party store.
12
00:00:41,827 --> 00:00:42,994
Have a good one, Brent.
13
00:00:44,963 --> 00:00:46,698
Thanks for having us, Peter.
14
00:00:46,798 --> 00:00:49,267
I don't recall
inviting Kevin, but sure.
15
00:00:49,334 --> 00:00:50,335
His name you remember!
16
00:00:50,435 --> 00:00:52,671
I think it's ridiculous
to have a party for a dog.
17
00:00:52,737 --> 00:00:55,540
Why spend money on something
he can't even comprehend?
18
00:00:57,442 --> 00:00:59,544
This ball is nuts.
19
00:00:59,644 --> 00:01:01,613
Hey, happy birthday, Brian!
20
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:03,748
Bonnie and I got you
a big stick.
21
00:01:03,815 --> 00:01:05,350
Wow, thank you!
22
00:01:05,417 --> 00:01:06,685
I'm gonna take it
into the kitchen
23
00:01:06,751 --> 00:01:09,020
and I don't foresee having
any issues with that.
24
00:01:16,761 --> 00:01:18,497
Okay, I can make this work.
25
00:01:18,563 --> 00:01:20,398
Think, Brent, think.
26
00:01:20,499 --> 00:01:22,300
Uh, Joe,
isn't that the same stick
27
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:23,668
we gave you for your wedding?
28
00:01:23,768 --> 00:01:25,637
You told me it was a magic wand.
29
00:01:25,704 --> 00:01:27,539
I pointed it at a bus,
the bus crashed,
30
00:01:27,639 --> 00:01:29,074
that's all I'm saying.
31
00:01:30,575 --> 00:01:32,110
Happy Birthday, Brian.
32
00:01:32,177 --> 00:01:33,211
I got you a card.
33
00:01:33,345 --> 00:01:36,214
On the front it says, "Too much
sex ruins your eyesight"
34
00:01:36,281 --> 00:01:38,683
and on the inside it says,
"Happy Birthday,"
35
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:41,553
but all blurry��
Oh! I gave it away!
36
00:01:41,653 --> 00:01:45,056
It also says,
"Love, Aunt Judy and Uncle Bob."
37
00:01:45,157 --> 00:01:49,127
A joke that good doesn't
celebrate just one birthday.
38
00:01:49,227 --> 00:01:50,662
Well, fellas, I'm off.
39
00:01:50,762 --> 00:01:52,664
Old Joe's got
a big stakeout this week,
40
00:01:52,731 --> 00:01:54,666
so I'm gonna practice
by watching the party
41
00:01:54,766 --> 00:01:56,401
from across the street.
42
00:02:02,908 --> 00:02:07,279
"Those who doubt the wand's
power suffer the wand's wrath."
43
00:02:07,345 --> 00:02:09,681
Leviticus 26:12.
44
00:02:11,583 --> 00:02:14,019
Was anybody gonna wake me up
for the party?
45
00:02:14,085 --> 00:02:15,921
It's 6:30.
I went down at noon.
46
00:02:15,987 --> 00:02:19,057
Now I'm gonna be up all night,
watching bad reality TV.
47
00:02:19,157 --> 00:02:22,561
We now return to
Ninja Warrior.
48
00:02:25,897 --> 00:02:27,966
First, he's gotta
swing on the gold chains
49
00:02:28,066 --> 00:02:31,136
across the cologne bath without
dropping his e�cigarette.
50
00:02:32,337 --> 00:02:33,538
Next, he's gotta pick up
51
00:02:33,638 --> 00:02:35,740
a ride share customer.
52
00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,342
�
53
00:02:37,409 --> 00:02:40,545
Now he's gonna be late, but
he's going to make it seem like
54
00:02:40,612 --> 00:02:41,746
the passenger's fault
and not his.
55
00:02:41,813 --> 00:02:43,415
Where the hell have you been?
56
00:02:43,515 --> 00:02:44,783
I been here, man.
57
00:02:44,850 --> 00:02:46,484
Maybe you press wrong button.
I don't know.
58
00:02:46,551 --> 00:02:50,121
Now don't talk to me. I'm on
four different phone calls.
59
00:02:56,862 --> 00:02:58,163
Hi, everyone, Peter Griffin.
60
00:02:58,230 --> 00:03:00,699
Welcome to the roast portion
of the evening.
61
00:03:00,799 --> 00:03:03,068
my son, Chris.
62
00:03:03,134 --> 00:03:05,203
Born on the highway,
because that is where
63
00:03:05,270 --> 00:03:07,405
�most accidents happen.
�Peter!
64
00:03:07,506 --> 00:03:08,673
But we're here to talk about
65
00:03:08,740 --> 00:03:10,208
Brian getting
another year older.
66
00:03:10,275 --> 00:03:13,011
You know, I hear he can't even
bury a bone these days
67
00:03:13,078 --> 00:03:14,412
without Viagra.
68
00:03:14,513 --> 00:03:16,815
Ha, all right,
all right, I can take it.
69
00:03:16,915 --> 00:03:19,217
And they say you can't teach
an old dog new tricks,
70
00:03:19,317 --> 00:03:22,220
but I heard Brian just learned
how to roll over and beg...
71
00:03:22,287 --> 00:03:23,688
for an erection.
72
00:03:23,788 --> 00:03:25,557
Okay.
That's sort of
73
00:03:25,657 --> 00:03:27,492
just another jab
at my penis, but sure.
74
00:03:27,559 --> 00:03:28,693
On the positive side,
75
00:03:28,793 --> 00:03:30,929
Brian's latest book
was a real page�turner.
76
00:03:30,996 --> 00:03:33,532
Yeah, I turned the pages
into toilet paper.
77
00:03:33,632 --> 00:03:34,933
'Cause Brian's old now
78
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,402
and can't satisfy women
through intercourse.
79
00:03:37,502 --> 00:03:38,603
Peter, I'm fine.
80
00:03:38,670 --> 00:03:40,038
Are you sure
this isn't about you
81
00:03:40,105 --> 00:03:41,673
not being able to perform
on your anniversary?
82
00:03:41,740 --> 00:03:44,042
I told you that in confidence!
83
00:03:49,714 --> 00:03:51,049
Whoa, slow down, buddy.
84
00:03:51,116 --> 00:03:52,951
It's snack time,
not Black Friday.
85
00:03:53,051 --> 00:03:54,419
Nobody's walking outta here
86
00:03:54,519 --> 00:03:56,354
with First Wives Club
on Blu�ray, okay?
87
00:03:56,421 --> 00:03:57,789
Nice as that sounds.
88
00:03:57,889 --> 00:04:00,158
I heard there's a special
feature on the Blu�ray
89
00:04:00,225 --> 00:04:02,561
that's just Diane Keaton
shrieking the commentary.
90
00:04:02,661 --> 00:04:03,829
Huge, if true.
91
00:04:03,929 --> 00:04:06,898
Actually, Stewie,
there's something important
92
00:04:06,965 --> 00:04:09,267
I sorta need
to talk to you about.
93
00:04:09,367 --> 00:04:10,402
Okay.
94
00:04:10,502 --> 00:04:13,605
I recently found out
I have cooties.
95
00:04:13,672 --> 00:04:15,540
And you're telling me why?
96
00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,209
Well, I mean, uh...
97
00:04:17,275 --> 00:04:18,543
remember last week?
98
00:04:18,610 --> 00:04:19,945
When we ate from
the same Play�Doh?
99
00:04:22,881 --> 00:04:25,650
♪ He likes bread and butter ♪
100
00:04:25,717 --> 00:04:28,553
♪ He likes toast and jam ♪
101
00:04:28,653 --> 00:04:31,223
♪ That's what
his baby feeds him ♪
102
00:04:31,289 --> 00:04:33,525
♪ He's her loving man ♪
103
00:04:33,592 --> 00:04:37,262
♪ Well, I like
bread and butter ♪
104
00:04:37,329 --> 00:04:40,131
♪ I like toast and jam. ♪
105
00:04:40,198 --> 00:04:41,066
Stewie, listen.
106
00:04:41,166 --> 00:04:43,001
I just think
you should get tested, okay?
107
00:04:43,068 --> 00:04:45,670
What? You mean
I played with the Play�Doh
108
00:04:45,737 --> 00:04:47,672
everyone you ever played
Play�Doh with played with?
109
00:04:47,739 --> 00:04:49,241
I've been played!
110
00:04:50,275 --> 00:04:53,845
Can I have a chocolate milk
with my snack today, please?
111
00:04:53,945 --> 00:04:57,716
What? Honey, the chocolate milk
is the snack.
112
00:05:02,621 --> 00:05:04,156
Hey, Bonnie. Is Joe around?
113
00:05:04,256 --> 00:05:05,757
No, he's on his stakeout.
114
00:05:05,824 --> 00:05:06,791
Oh, that's too bad.
115
00:05:06,892 --> 00:05:08,660
Tomorrow's Chris's Career Day,
116
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,163
and Joe's hat is a key element
of what I do.
117
00:05:11,229 --> 00:05:14,466
So that's how I became
Quahog's first ninja cop.
118
00:05:14,533 --> 00:05:16,268
�Questions?
�Yes.
119
00:05:16,334 --> 00:05:17,903
�Mister��
�Officer Hi�yah.
120
00:05:17,969 --> 00:05:19,804
Did you park in
the handicapped spot?
121
00:05:19,871 --> 00:05:21,606
Ninjas don't have cars.
122
00:05:21,673 --> 00:05:22,807
Well, it's gettin' towed.
123
00:05:22,908 --> 00:05:24,843
Oh, no! My Chevy Cruze!
124
00:05:24,943 --> 00:05:26,545
Thank you. Thank you.
125
00:05:26,611 --> 00:05:28,680
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
126
00:05:29,915 --> 00:05:32,284
Man, something
smells good in here.
127
00:05:32,384 --> 00:05:33,685
You cooking brussels sprouts?
128
00:05:33,785 --> 00:05:35,253
No, I just farted.
129
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:36,388
That checks out.
130
00:05:36,454 --> 00:05:37,789
Anyway,
somethin' else smells good.
131
00:05:37,889 --> 00:05:39,391
I think dinner's ready.
132
00:05:39,491 --> 00:05:40,659
I didn't hear a ding.
133
00:05:40,725 --> 00:05:42,494
That's how I always know
to run into the kitchen,
134
00:05:42,561 --> 00:05:43,895
shove a napkin in my shirt
135
00:05:43,962 --> 00:05:45,664
and hold my utensils
upright at the table.
136
00:05:45,730 --> 00:05:49,234
Well, I made it in the oven,
not the microwave.
137
00:05:52,671 --> 00:05:54,906
You want a little taste?
138
00:05:57,642 --> 00:05:58,910
Holy crap.
139
00:05:58,977 --> 00:06:00,812
That's the best thing
I've ever had.
140
00:06:00,879 --> 00:06:03,548
You know, I usually cook
for one�and�a�half,
141
00:06:03,615 --> 00:06:05,684
but Joe's still on his stakeout.
142
00:06:05,784 --> 00:06:07,052
You want to stay for dinner?
143
00:06:07,118 --> 00:06:09,688
Ah, man, I'd love to,
but it'd be wrong.
144
00:06:09,788 --> 00:06:11,389
I always eat dinner with Lois.
145
00:06:11,490 --> 00:06:12,891
Aw, you sure?
146
00:06:12,958 --> 00:06:15,527
You can sit in Joe's
dining harness if you like.
147
00:06:15,594 --> 00:06:16,862
How's he get into that thing?
148
00:06:16,928 --> 00:06:19,264
We have a large array
of medical�grade cranes
149
00:06:19,331 --> 00:06:20,599
and pulleys that lift him.
150
00:06:20,665 --> 00:06:23,068
�Man, that must make
the house ugly. �It does.
151
00:06:23,168 --> 00:06:25,770
All right,
I guess I could text Lois.
152
00:06:25,837 --> 00:06:27,739
But just this once.
153
00:06:59,137 --> 00:07:00,539
Okay, we're good.
154
00:07:00,639 --> 00:07:02,674
So, how long have you
had Invisalign?
155
00:07:02,741 --> 00:07:04,309
�You can see it?
�Yeah, I mean,
156
00:07:04,409 --> 00:07:06,678
it's just a name, not a fact.
157
00:07:11,550 --> 00:07:13,652
Okay, Stewie, think positive.
158
00:07:13,718 --> 00:07:15,520
The test results
will be negative.
159
00:07:15,620 --> 00:07:16,988
Chin up, bud.
160
00:07:17,055 --> 00:07:20,525
Incontinence is really not
that uncommon at your age.
161
00:07:20,625 --> 00:07:22,460
What underwear do you recommend?
162
00:07:22,527 --> 00:07:24,329
Depends.
163
00:07:24,396 --> 00:07:25,764
Sorry, old joke.
164
00:07:25,831 --> 00:07:27,933
Now, get out of here
and go have some fun.
165
00:07:28,033 --> 00:07:30,302
Make some fake skin
out of dried glue, would ya?
166
00:07:30,402 --> 00:07:32,037
All right, who's next?
167
00:07:32,137 --> 00:07:33,371
Oh.
168
00:07:33,438 --> 00:07:35,540
Stewie. Come in.
169
00:07:36,474 --> 00:07:40,712
Okay, I just want to verify
some medical history here.
170
00:07:40,812 --> 00:07:42,848
Any recent boo�boos?
171
00:07:42,914 --> 00:07:43,715
No.
172
00:07:43,815 --> 00:07:45,517
Any ouchies or uh�ohs?
173
00:07:45,584 --> 00:07:46,685
No, nothing like that. God.
174
00:07:46,785 --> 00:07:48,019
Good, good.
175
00:07:48,086 --> 00:07:49,888
And how many boogies
would you say
176
00:07:49,955 --> 00:07:52,791
�you consume in a week?
�Oh, God, maybe, like... one.
177
00:07:52,858 --> 00:07:55,093
Maybe two during the holidays.
Maybe.
178
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:56,728
Stewie, I'm your doctor.
179
00:07:56,795 --> 00:07:58,063
I can tell
just by looking at you
180
00:07:58,129 --> 00:07:59,598
that you're eating
more than that.
181
00:07:59,664 --> 00:08:02,000
I'm thinking you had one
just on the way here.
182
00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:03,902
What?
183
00:08:03,969 --> 00:08:05,337
Okay, I did! I'm sorry.
184
00:08:05,403 --> 00:08:07,806
I've just been so nervous
about these test results.
185
00:08:07,906 --> 00:08:10,041
Well, that's understandable,
186
00:08:10,108 --> 00:08:14,412
seeing as how you did
test positive for cooties.
187
00:08:14,479 --> 00:08:16,648
What? That's terrible!
188
00:08:16,715 --> 00:08:20,018
I think you need to get
your affairs in order.
189
00:08:20,085 --> 00:08:22,020
I don't have any affairs!
I'm one!
190
00:08:22,087 --> 00:08:23,989
Well, then you're ready to die.
191
00:08:32,898 --> 00:08:34,399
�Did you say something?
�Me?
192
00:08:34,466 --> 00:08:35,567
No, just humming.
193
00:08:35,667 --> 00:08:37,636
It's part of my alternative
cooties therapy.
194
00:08:37,702 --> 00:08:40,005
Did you know you can
literally vibrate disease
195
00:08:40,071 --> 00:08:41,239
out of the body?
196
00:08:41,306 --> 00:08:42,541
No, I know the opposite of that.
197
00:08:42,607 --> 00:08:44,409
Oh, Brian. You'll see.
198
00:08:44,476 --> 00:08:45,644
When you get
this close to death,
199
00:08:45,710 --> 00:08:47,412
your whole perspective changes.
200
00:08:47,512 --> 00:08:49,981
I got your meds, honey.
201
00:08:52,250 --> 00:08:54,119
My father never loved me,
202
00:08:54,219 --> 00:08:57,522
but Stewie��
he take good care of me.
203
00:08:57,622 --> 00:09:00,292
�Who was that?
�That's my 20�year�old nurse.
204
00:09:00,392 --> 00:09:01,827
He's wearing homemade sandals.
205
00:09:01,927 --> 00:09:03,528
Yeah, he has
no medical training.
206
00:09:03,628 --> 00:09:05,130
Stewie, aren't you being
a little dramatic
207
00:09:05,230 --> 00:09:06,164
about this cooties thing?
208
00:09:06,231 --> 00:09:08,667
Brian, this is
the Flintstones cocktail
209
00:09:08,733 --> 00:09:10,235
I have to take every day.
210
00:09:10,302 --> 00:09:12,204
17 Barneys. 18 Wilmas.
211
00:09:12,304 --> 00:09:14,906
I have to take the Bam�Bams
just to keep things moving.
212
00:09:14,973 --> 00:09:16,675
Does this seem dramatic to you?
213
00:09:16,775 --> 00:09:17,909
Yes, incredibly.
214
00:09:17,976 --> 00:09:20,212
Stewie, I found one! Come look!
215
00:09:20,312 --> 00:09:22,781
He likes to find frogs
in the garden
216
00:09:22,848 --> 00:09:23,915
and then show them to me.
217
00:09:23,982 --> 00:09:26,685
His simplicity keeps me young.
218
00:09:31,857 --> 00:09:33,825
Peter, what's wrong?
219
00:09:33,925 --> 00:09:35,160
You don't have an appetite.
220
00:09:35,227 --> 00:09:37,062
I'm gonna get one,
just give me a minute.
221
00:09:37,128 --> 00:09:38,663
You've barely touched
your dinner.
222
00:09:38,730 --> 00:09:40,031
Lois, the more
you talk about it,
223
00:09:40,098 --> 00:09:41,399
the more it's gonna be
a whole thing.
224
00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:43,235
Just let me focus here.
225
00:09:44,369 --> 00:09:46,838
Okay, okay, that's working.
226
00:09:48,006 --> 00:09:50,308
Mmm, oh, this is better, Bonnie.
227
00:09:50,408 --> 00:09:52,277
Did you just call me Bonnie?
228
00:09:52,377 --> 00:09:54,412
No! God�� God, no!
229
00:09:54,479 --> 00:09:56,147
We all heard it, Dad.
230
00:09:56,248 --> 00:09:57,349
Hey, Chris?
231
00:09:58,683 --> 00:10:00,652
'Kay? Got it?
232
00:10:00,719 --> 00:10:02,787
Well, what if I spiced it up
for you, Peter?
233
00:10:02,888 --> 00:10:05,257
I�I think I saw
a take�out mustard packet
234
00:10:05,323 --> 00:10:06,591
in the key drawer.
235
00:10:06,658 --> 00:10:07,926
That's a water bed
for my army guy.
236
00:10:08,026 --> 00:10:09,728
What if you spun
the plate around, Dad?
237
00:10:09,794 --> 00:10:11,129
Tried it from behind?
238
00:10:11,229 --> 00:10:12,464
Meg, go to place.
239
00:10:12,531 --> 00:10:14,199
Ugh, do I have to?
240
00:10:14,266 --> 00:10:15,834
I said "go to place"!
241
00:10:19,304 --> 00:10:21,673
Anyway, Lois, I think
it's a non�starter tonight.
242
00:10:21,773 --> 00:10:23,074
I'm just gonna
go to the bathroom,
243
00:10:23,175 --> 00:10:25,610
look at pictures of barely�legal
Russian food on my iPad,
244
00:10:25,677 --> 00:10:27,846
and then go to bed.
245
00:10:32,117 --> 00:10:33,084
Okay, we're rolling.
246
00:10:33,185 --> 00:10:36,888
Hi, I'm Tony Award winner
Stewie Griffin�Styles.
247
00:10:36,955 --> 00:10:39,391
�What?
�It's called manifesting, Bri.
248
00:10:39,491 --> 00:10:41,560
Anyway,
everything I have and own
249
00:10:41,660 --> 00:10:43,528
is being left
to Rupert in a trust
250
00:10:43,595 --> 00:10:45,297
for when he gets sober.
251
00:10:45,363 --> 00:10:47,899
And no, Rupert, getting high
is not getting sober,
252
00:10:47,966 --> 00:10:50,402
I don't care if you found
the one AA group in town
253
00:10:50,468 --> 00:10:51,636
that tells you otherwise.
254
00:10:51,703 --> 00:10:53,205
Brian, are you getting
my right angle?
255
00:10:53,305 --> 00:10:54,940
You said you wanted it
from the left side.
256
00:10:55,006 --> 00:10:56,575
�You want it from the right?
�
257
00:10:56,675 --> 00:10:58,710
The left angle is
the right side.
258
00:10:58,810 --> 00:11:00,212
�Okay, back to one.
�
259
00:11:00,278 --> 00:11:04,749
Stewie, you got a letter from
the Make�A�Wish Foundation.
260
00:11:06,651 --> 00:11:08,653
Oh, my God, they've
accepted my application!
261
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:10,422
I'm gonna get
my final wish granted!
262
00:11:10,489 --> 00:11:14,326
I get to meet the Philadelphia
Flyer's mascot, Gritty!
263
00:11:14,392 --> 00:11:16,194
Gritty, Gritty. Gritty.
264
00:11:16,261 --> 00:11:18,797
I'm not going to pee in a cup
for you, so stop asking.
265
00:11:18,897 --> 00:11:21,900
This was supposed to be my day
and you're ruining it.
266
00:11:26,771 --> 00:11:29,474
You'll Venmo me for this,
too, I suppose?
267
00:11:32,744 --> 00:11:33,678
Oh, Brian,
I'm glad you're here.
268
00:11:33,745 --> 00:11:36,414
Me and a bunch of other
buff cooties victims
269
00:11:36,515 --> 00:11:37,816
are gonna shut down
the third floor
270
00:11:37,883 --> 00:11:40,018
of a Bloomingdale's tomorrow.
What do you think?
271
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:43,288
She's alive, right?
272
00:11:43,388 --> 00:11:44,623
Stewie, come on,
this is ridic...
273
00:11:46,424 --> 00:11:47,792
Do you mind this music, Bri?
274
00:11:47,859 --> 00:11:50,028
�Do you like opera?
�Not really.
275
00:11:50,095 --> 00:11:53,031
Oh, Bri, you really haven't
heard "The Wheels on the Bus"
276
00:11:53,098 --> 00:11:55,300
until you've heard it
in its original Italian.
277
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,270
♪ Le ruote del bus ♪
278
00:11:58,336 --> 00:12:01,373
♪ Il turno ♪
279
00:12:01,439 --> 00:12:03,675
♪ Il turno... ♪
280
00:12:03,742 --> 00:12:04,943
�
�Enough, Stewie!
281
00:12:05,043 --> 00:12:06,545
You've taken this
whole thing too far.
282
00:12:06,611 --> 00:12:08,079
I'm washing my hands
of your cooties.
283
00:12:08,180 --> 00:12:10,282
Which, had you done
in the first place,
284
00:12:10,382 --> 00:12:12,384
might have prevented all this.
285
00:12:12,450 --> 00:12:13,552
You see, Rupert?
286
00:12:13,652 --> 00:12:15,787
That's why I'm glad
you stopped drinking.
287
00:12:15,854 --> 00:12:17,923
You were that ugly.
288
00:12:22,561 --> 00:12:24,529
Yoo�hoo. Anyone home?
289
00:12:24,629 --> 00:12:26,998
�I'll get it.
�No, I got it!
290
00:12:27,065 --> 00:12:30,402
Aw, they sure do grow up fast,
don't they?
291
00:12:30,468 --> 00:12:32,470
Chris, have you
masturbated today?
292
00:12:32,537 --> 00:12:35,040
�No, ma'am.
�Well, get up there.
293
00:12:35,106 --> 00:12:37,275
And don't come back
till you're...
294
00:12:37,375 --> 00:12:38,677
What's for dinner?
295
00:12:38,777 --> 00:12:41,446
What are you doing here?
My family's right inside.
296
00:12:41,546 --> 00:12:43,548
I thought you might want
some lunch.
297
00:12:43,615 --> 00:12:45,183
Joe's still on his stakeout
298
00:12:45,250 --> 00:12:47,819
and I know you like
wagon�wheel pasta.
299
00:12:47,919 --> 00:12:49,488
Of course I like
wagon�wheel pasta.
300
00:12:49,554 --> 00:12:51,289
I'm an adult with
a developmental disorder.
301
00:12:51,389 --> 00:12:54,025
Man, that smells good.
302
00:12:54,092 --> 00:12:55,927
Okay, fine.
But, we gotta do this quick.
303
00:12:55,994 --> 00:12:57,729
Right here against the wall.
304
00:13:08,673 --> 00:13:11,543
Hey, Stewie, I wanted
to apologize for last night
305
00:13:11,643 --> 00:13:13,612
and also maybe
charge my phone...
306
00:13:13,678 --> 00:13:15,280
What the hell?
307
00:13:18,683 --> 00:13:20,619
Hello, Brian.
If you're watching this,
308
00:13:20,685 --> 00:13:22,254
it means you couldn't find
your phone charger
309
00:13:22,354 --> 00:13:23,655
and came in to use mine.
310
00:13:23,755 --> 00:13:25,090
Man, am I that predictable?
311
00:13:25,157 --> 00:13:26,324
Yes. Yes, you are.
312
00:13:26,424 --> 00:13:29,327
Anyway, I can see that
my disease has become a burden
313
00:13:29,394 --> 00:13:30,629
to the people I love,
314
00:13:30,695 --> 00:13:32,764
so I've decided
to take a bus to Vermont
315
00:13:32,831 --> 00:13:34,900
to have
physician�assisted suicide.
316
00:13:34,966 --> 00:13:37,469
�What?
�I've left two suits in my closet,
317
00:13:37,536 --> 00:13:38,803
318
00:13:38,904 --> 00:13:40,038
the black is for the wake,
319
00:13:40,105 --> 00:13:41,740
the wool is for
the 'Gram story.
320
00:13:41,806 --> 00:13:43,842
Two suits, Bri. Two looks.
321
00:13:43,942 --> 00:13:45,777
That's what people
would expect of me.
322
00:13:45,844 --> 00:13:47,212
Oh, my God. This is terrible.
323
00:13:47,279 --> 00:13:49,381
Okay, don't look at the tags,
that's tacky.
324
00:13:49,481 --> 00:13:52,284
Well, I'm not telling you that,
but not cheap.
325
00:13:52,350 --> 00:13:53,652
I don't care about the suits!
326
00:13:53,718 --> 00:13:55,921
Anyway, you were
a good friend, Bri.
327
00:13:55,987 --> 00:13:57,923
Oh, and if they make
a movie about my life,
328
00:13:58,023 --> 00:13:59,524
don't let Jim Carrey play me.
329
00:13:59,624 --> 00:14:01,059
Unless he gets his eyes done.
330
00:14:01,159 --> 00:14:04,129
Even then, though...
Ugh, hard maybe.
331
00:14:04,229 --> 00:14:05,664
What have I done?
332
00:14:05,764 --> 00:14:06,898
This is all my fault.
333
00:14:06,965 --> 00:14:08,800
I drove my best friend away
334
00:14:08,900 --> 00:14:11,803
and now he's alone
and dying on a bus somewhere.
335
00:14:11,903 --> 00:14:14,406
Oh, also, you can have
my penis enlarging machine.
336
00:14:14,472 --> 00:14:15,907
It's in my closet.
337
00:14:20,245 --> 00:14:21,646
Ah! Did you look?
338
00:14:21,713 --> 00:14:23,381
Will you�� will you text me
if you looked?
339
00:14:30,589 --> 00:14:32,390
Hey, guys,
have you seen Stewie?
340
00:14:32,457 --> 00:14:34,659
No. Have you checked
his Instagram?
341
00:14:34,726 --> 00:14:36,328
Of course.
342
00:14:36,394 --> 00:14:38,930
"Felt a little trepidation
about killing myself,
343
00:14:39,030 --> 00:14:41,266
"so I went to a Phish show
in Burlington
344
00:14:41,366 --> 00:14:42,934
to push me over the edge."
345
00:14:43,001 --> 00:14:44,636
That's it.
He's in Burlington!
346
00:14:44,703 --> 00:14:46,037
Thanks, Chris.
347
00:14:46,104 --> 00:14:49,074
Long days,
short years, huh, Meg?
348
00:14:49,140 --> 00:14:52,077
�Chris! Masturbate!
�Jerk!
349
00:15:01,286 --> 00:15:04,656
This is seriously the best
turkey I've ever had, Bonnie.
350
00:15:07,192 --> 00:15:09,394
Looks like Joe's home early.
351
00:15:09,494 --> 00:15:11,530
What? I ate most of his dinner!
352
00:15:11,596 --> 00:15:14,032
He's gonna be so pissed.
I better hide.
353
00:15:14,099 --> 00:15:16,535
Hey, Bon, did you know
there's a difference
354
00:15:16,635 --> 00:15:18,203
between Tenth Street
and Tenth Avenue?
355
00:15:18,303 --> 00:15:21,072
Anyway, I may have bonered
the stakeout.
356
00:15:21,173 --> 00:15:23,341
Aw, thanks for
pre�chewing my meal, babe.
357
00:15:23,441 --> 00:15:26,811
The food shuttles out of
my cloaca much easier that way.
358
00:15:26,878 --> 00:15:29,881
Time to let these dogs
out of their cages.
359
00:15:29,948 --> 00:15:32,050
Bon, would you turn
on my foot fan?
360
00:15:34,085 --> 00:15:36,721
I gotta create a distraction
so I can get out of here.
361
00:15:38,156 --> 00:15:40,926
Oh, God, Peter's texting me
about going to the Clam.
362
00:15:41,026 --> 00:15:42,894
That guy is getting
insufferable.
363
00:15:42,961 --> 00:15:45,063
And that dumb
Shaquille O'Neal GIF!
364
00:15:45,130 --> 00:15:46,765
It's like, we get it,
it's humorous
365
00:15:46,832 --> 00:15:49,000
for a man that large
to act playful.
366
00:15:49,067 --> 00:15:50,068
I thought so.
367
00:15:50,168 --> 00:15:51,670
So, anyway,
I'm gonna go dump all this
368
00:15:51,770 --> 00:15:54,306
completely undigested food
out of my bag,
369
00:15:54,406 --> 00:15:55,674
into the toilet.
370
00:15:55,740 --> 00:15:57,542
If I time it right
and close my eyes,
371
00:15:57,609 --> 00:15:59,811
it almost sounds like
real diarrhea.
372
00:16:01,913 --> 00:16:03,915
This can never happen again,
Bonnie.
373
00:16:03,982 --> 00:16:06,852
Time for a poignant,
cinematic farewell.
374
00:16:11,857 --> 00:16:15,126
I don't like
when Bill Murray is serious.
375
00:16:24,936 --> 00:16:27,005
Hang tight, Stewie, I'm coming.
376
00:16:31,142 --> 00:16:34,279
Is that��
is that Bernie Sanders?
377
00:16:34,379 --> 00:16:35,514
Ha!
378
00:16:35,580 --> 00:16:37,415
Goes to Vermont once.
379
00:16:37,482 --> 00:16:39,150
Ah! How'd you get in here?
380
00:16:39,217 --> 00:16:41,653
I was propelled
by a heart attack.
381
00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:43,788
Now, let me talk about wages
382
00:16:43,855 --> 00:16:46,124
while the corners of
my mouth fill with mung.
383
00:16:46,191 --> 00:16:48,059
Are your glasses
always that smudged?
384
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:51,530
I haven't used a wipey cloth
in 35 years.
385
00:16:51,596 --> 00:16:53,431
You know who uses wipey cloths?
386
00:16:53,532 --> 00:16:54,699
Billionaires!
387
00:16:54,799 --> 00:16:56,968
I�I'm sorry, I agree with
everything you say,
388
00:16:57,068 --> 00:16:58,570
but can you just
say it softer?
389
00:16:58,637 --> 00:17:02,874
Ooh, someone at Coachella must
have said my name three times.
390
00:17:02,974 --> 00:17:04,809
Goodbye!
391
00:17:09,881 --> 00:17:12,784
Wow, Lois, this smells amazing.
392
00:17:12,851 --> 00:17:14,853
Yeah, it's eggs and garlic.
393
00:17:14,953 --> 00:17:17,389
I microwaved them
till they were mixed.
394
00:17:19,391 --> 00:17:22,260
Oh, oh, they're beautiful.
395
00:17:22,327 --> 00:17:23,528
I love them.
396
00:17:23,595 --> 00:17:24,796
Well, I'm just glad to see
397
00:17:24,896 --> 00:17:26,198
you like my cooking
again, Peter.
398
00:17:26,298 --> 00:17:28,200
What do you mean?
What other cooking would I like?
399
00:17:28,266 --> 00:17:30,302
Bonnie's? You saying
I've been eatin' at Bonnie's?
400
00:17:30,368 --> 00:17:32,637
Okay, fine, Lois! I've been
eatin' dinner at Bonnie's!
401
00:17:32,704 --> 00:17:34,239
I think we should have
another baby.
402
00:17:34,306 --> 00:17:35,273
That'll fix this.
403
00:17:35,340 --> 00:17:36,675
Peter, I don't care.
404
00:17:36,741 --> 00:17:37,776
You don't?
405
00:17:37,843 --> 00:17:40,278
No, it's less food
for me to make
406
00:17:40,345 --> 00:17:41,813
and besides, you know,
407
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:43,748
these things happen
in all marriages.
408
00:17:43,815 --> 00:17:45,517
Now, if you'll excuse me,
409
00:17:45,584 --> 00:17:46,885
I'm going to go
into the other room
410
00:17:46,952 --> 00:17:49,888
and sing Melissa Manchester's
"Don't Cry Out Loud."
411
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,429
No! No! Stop it! Stop it!
Nope! Nope! Can't afford it!
412
00:17:57,529 --> 00:17:58,897
Well, what can we afford?
413
00:17:58,964 --> 00:18:00,565
"Black Betty" by Ram Jam.
414
00:18:00,665 --> 00:18:02,200
♪ Whoa, Black Betty ♪
415
00:18:02,267 --> 00:18:04,069
♪ Bam�ba�lam,
whoa, Black Betty ♪
416
00:18:04,169 --> 00:18:05,837
♪ Bam�ba�lam,
Black Betty had a child ♪
417
00:18:05,937 --> 00:18:07,572
♪ Bam�ba�lam,
damn thing gone wild ♪
418
00:18:07,672 --> 00:18:09,007
♪ Bam�ba�lam. ♪
419
00:18:13,311 --> 00:18:14,346
Almost done, Stewie.
420
00:18:14,446 --> 00:18:16,815
Do you have an email address
for our mailing list?
421
00:18:16,882 --> 00:18:19,384
Uh, no thanks,
I'm about to kill myself.
422
00:18:19,451 --> 00:18:20,952
Stop the procedure!
423
00:18:21,052 --> 00:18:23,522
Look Stewie,
I know I've been hard on you,
424
00:18:23,622 --> 00:18:24,756
but it's only because I've been
425
00:18:24,823 --> 00:18:26,391
struggling with
my own mortality.
426
00:18:26,458 --> 00:18:28,593
What?
But you're perfectly healthy.
427
00:18:28,660 --> 00:18:31,229
Stewie, I celebrated
my tenth birthday this week.
428
00:18:31,296 --> 00:18:32,797
In dog years, I'm 70.
429
00:18:32,898 --> 00:18:34,499
It's all I can think about.
430
00:18:34,566 --> 00:18:36,234
That's the age people shrug at
431
00:18:36,301 --> 00:18:37,536
when they see it in an obituary.
432
00:18:37,636 --> 00:18:39,804
Wait, T. O., you're 70?
433
00:18:39,905 --> 00:18:42,073
Do you get regular peels?
You look great.
434
00:18:42,174 --> 00:18:44,209
Yes, I've got
a great gal, we'll talk.
435
00:18:44,276 --> 00:18:46,411
The point is,
I felt like my life was ending,
436
00:18:46,511 --> 00:18:47,679
but I was wrong.
437
00:18:47,746 --> 00:18:49,548
When I was driving up here
to the clinic,
438
00:18:49,614 --> 00:18:51,082
I saw the leaves change.
439
00:18:51,149 --> 00:18:53,552
I tapped a maple tree
and milked a cow.
440
00:18:53,652 --> 00:18:55,654
I�I tried fresh cream
for the first time
441
00:18:55,754 --> 00:18:57,055
and went to
a writer's retreat.
442
00:18:57,155 --> 00:19:00,225
I met Margaret Atwood and
we foraged for wild mushrooms.
443
00:19:00,325 --> 00:19:02,928
Wow, sounds like you were
in a real rush to get here.
444
00:19:02,994 --> 00:19:05,564
The point is, I've got
a lot of life left in me,
445
00:19:05,664 --> 00:19:07,165
and so do you.
446
00:19:07,265 --> 00:19:08,400
Easy for you to say.
447
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:09,801
You don't have
a terminal illness.
448
00:19:09,868 --> 00:19:12,003
Oh, for God's sake,
you don't have...
449
00:19:13,705 --> 00:19:15,674
Brian, what are you doing?
Don't touch that!
450
00:19:15,774 --> 00:19:17,275
That's the infected Play�Doh!
451
00:19:17,375 --> 00:19:18,977
Brian, no! Stop!
452
00:19:20,011 --> 00:19:22,447
There.
Now I have cooties, too.
453
00:19:22,547 --> 00:19:24,115
And I don't care.
454
00:19:24,182 --> 00:19:25,784
You... you don't?
455
00:19:25,851 --> 00:19:27,152
We all have cooties,
456
00:19:27,219 --> 00:19:30,255
whether it's illness
or loneliness or turning 70.
457
00:19:30,355 --> 00:19:31,656
Nothing is promised.
458
00:19:31,723 --> 00:19:33,525
We could get run over by a car.
459
00:19:33,625 --> 00:19:34,793
Or struck by lightning.
460
00:19:34,860 --> 00:19:36,928
We could be hit with
an unprecedented pandemic
461
00:19:37,028 --> 00:19:38,797
that the government is
slow to recognize,
462
00:19:38,864 --> 00:19:40,165
woefully unprepared for
463
00:19:40,232 --> 00:19:42,334
and then mismanages
with reckless incompetence.
464
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:43,802
But that's all the more reason
465
00:19:43,869 --> 00:19:45,670
to appreciate
the time we do have.
466
00:19:45,737 --> 00:19:46,805
I mean, look around!
467
00:19:46,872 --> 00:19:49,074
Look at this room.
It's beautiful.
468
00:19:49,174 --> 00:19:51,743
Bri, did you eat
those mushrooms you found?
469
00:19:51,810 --> 00:19:54,546
Yeah. You actually look like
a very old witch right now.
470
00:19:54,646 --> 00:19:57,282
But I'm also just happy
to be alive...
471
00:19:57,349 --> 00:19:58,984
and you should be, too.
472
00:20:00,519 --> 00:20:02,821
You know what?
You're right, Brian.
473
00:20:02,921 --> 00:20:04,789
Too bad you can never
get that on the page,
474
00:20:04,890 --> 00:20:06,391
but that's profound.
475
00:20:06,491 --> 00:20:07,926
Hey, I changed my mind.
476
00:20:08,026 --> 00:20:10,095
I don't want
to do the procedure.
477
00:20:10,162 --> 00:20:11,530
My life isn't over.
478
00:20:11,596 --> 00:20:14,166
Why, I've only just begun.
479
00:20:17,702 --> 00:20:19,671
Stop it! Nope! Nope! Nope!
Can't afford it!
480
00:20:19,738 --> 00:20:21,573
Well, what can we afford?
481
00:20:21,673 --> 00:20:23,441
♪ Whoa, Black Betty,
bam�ba�lam ♪
482
00:20:23,542 --> 00:20:25,243
♪ Whoa,
Black Betty, bam�ba�lam ♪
483
00:20:25,343 --> 00:20:26,978
♪ Black Betty had a child,
bam�ba�lam ♪
484
00:20:27,078 --> 00:20:28,813
♪ Damn thing gone wild,
bam�ba�lam. ♪
485
00:20:34,519 --> 00:20:36,154
Yeah, you, first question.
Go ahead.
486
00:20:36,221 --> 00:20:38,323
Meg was noticeably absent
from the episode.
487
00:20:38,423 --> 00:20:40,525
�Was that a team decision or...
�Yeah, I'm not going to be
488
00:20:40,592 --> 00:20:41,893
answering any questions about Meg.
489
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:42,994
We'll be dealing
with Meg internally.
490
00:20:43,061 --> 00:20:44,329
�Over here.
�Do you think
491
00:20:44,429 --> 00:20:46,531
we'll be seeing more of
Peter and Bonnie teaming up?
492
00:20:46,631 --> 00:20:47,933
I thought it played
pretty well.
493
00:20:47,999 --> 00:20:49,601
Uh, we'll have to look
at the tape on that
494
00:20:49,668 --> 00:20:51,069
and, uh, make a decision
moving forward.
495
00:20:51,136 --> 00:20:52,804
�Yeah.
�You guys used to be on at 9:00,
496
00:20:52,871 --> 00:20:54,873
now you're on at 9:30.
What happened with that?
497
00:20:54,940 --> 00:20:56,408
All right, I'm done here.
498
00:20:56,508 --> 00:20:58,643
This suit cost $40,000
499
00:20:58,710 --> 00:21:01,279
and I'm throwing it away
after this press conference.
500
00:21:01,346 --> 00:21:03,114
Okay, over here?
501
00:21:03,164 --> 00:21:07,714
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
37078
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Javanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof