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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Donald Trump Jr.
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is testifying to the Senate
Intelligence Committee.
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Unfortunately, news cameras
are not allowed inside.
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_
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Would the witness please
state your name for the record?
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D... Uh... Donald Trump Jr.
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Uh, previous aliases include
"D-T-J", "His Royal Drinkiness",
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"Señor Bong", "The Freak",
"2 Fast, 2 Junior-ous",
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00:00:33,756 --> 00:00:35,761
- and "Sir Shits-Himself".
- Great.
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00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,327
Did the President have
advanced knowledge
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00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:38,395
of the Trump Tower meeting?
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00:00:38,419 --> 00:00:40,786
Yeah, but only because
he can see the future!
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00:00:40,811 --> 00:00:43,646
Like, yesterday, he said he
just knows he's going to prison.
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00:00:43,671 --> 00:00:45,278
- That's spooky!
- Jesus Christ.
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You guys are lawyers, right?
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00:00:46,770 --> 00:00:49,338
So, okay, I backed over
this pizza delivery kid,
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00:00:49,363 --> 00:00:51,863
and his big-ass Adam's
apple dinged my bumper!
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Am I entitled to compensation?
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00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:54,713
Please let's stay on topic.
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The secret is to launch the firecracker
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from the bottom of your crack.
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00:01:01,036 --> 00:01:03,624
It stings a little, but
you get drunker faster!
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00:01:04,706 --> 00:01:06,652
Russia collusion? Not I!
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00:01:06,677 --> 00:01:09,234
I've been crab-fishing on the high seas!
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00:01:09,259 --> 00:01:11,326
Did you hide a sailor
suit in the bathroom?
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How do you feel about your father
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putting you in this situation?
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Oh, no! Here it comes!
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I'll tell you everything!
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But when I'm in jail, you
guys have to take Kim fishing!
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Wait. Does that person have to
type everything I say?
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Yes, it's the stenographer.
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Ass! Whoa! She typed it.
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Ass, ass, balls! She typed that, too!
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♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪
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♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪
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♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls,
ass, ass, ass, balls ♪
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- Okay. Stop it. Stop.
- ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪
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- Oh, for Christ's sake.
- ♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪
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♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls,
ass, ass, ass, balls ♪
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♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls ♪
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♪ Ass, ass, ass, balls,
ass, ass, ass, ass, ass ♪
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♪ B-a-a-a-a-alls ♪
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- She's still typing!
- That's enough!
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And could you read that back for us?
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"Ass, ass, ass, balls."
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"Ass, ass, ass, balls."
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You like my sign?
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Okay, who built this sign?!
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Pizzuh-hut, Soldiers!
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We're here in one of Iraq's
most Middle Eastern-y cities
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to recognize the troops
and women dressed as troops
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for their tremendous
service in wars or whatever.
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Mr. President, I want to introduce you
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to one of our bravest,
Sergeant Tully. She's...
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Shit! I friggin' whiffed!
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I wish I could be there to
shake your dehydrated hands,
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but, you know, golf.
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We understand. You're very busy, sir.
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Hey, you got the next, much
worse thing, Mike Pence.
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Shake their hands for me, Mikey!
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Pardon my use of the Pence family glove.
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Karen says, "Touching
a career woman's hand
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is a backstage pass to Hades' land."
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Don't shake her hand loud!
It'll distract my swing!
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_
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I'm Jake Tapper.
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And a reminder for folks at home...
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no talking during my show.
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It appears the President
would rather grip his five-iron
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than the hand of a soldier.
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This behavior has been satirized
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by some of America's
most skilled cartoonists,
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including TV newsman Jake Tapper.
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Let's check in with President Chump.
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President Chump was golfing,
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when he should've been
respecting our troops.
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It seems this presidency
is hitting a lot of bogies.
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_
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And that's our show.
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Sorry we didn't get to
the Flint water crisis.
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Tapper is relentless.
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Announce my resignation before he draws
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another President Chump!
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Everything's gonna be fine!
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Let's just fly you to Iraq
to shake a few hands,
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hug a few flags, go pat-pat
on a tank like it's a Corgi.
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How about instead of Iraq,
I fly to... wait for it...
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Mar-a-Lago?
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00:03:55,289 --> 00:03:57,156
Mar-a-Lago! Yes!
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A lot of the club members are
military defense contractors.
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00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,574
Why talk to a soldier about war
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00:04:02,599 --> 00:04:05,800
when you can laugh with a
billionaire about war crimes?
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You could simply mouth the words
"Thank you for your service,"
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and I'll fill in the voice later.
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"Ehhh! Thank you
for your service. Ehhh!"
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It's their job! Am I supposed
to thank this Robo-Vacuum, too?
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00:04:17,033 --> 00:04:18,333
Without the Robo-Vacuum,
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you'd be ankle deep in Pop-Tart crumbs.
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00:04:20,616 --> 00:04:22,249
Why don't we just
invite Bill Shine back?
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00:04:22,274 --> 00:04:24,874
- He's the king of optics.
- No, no, Conway.
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I got a simple no-fuss solution
to put this issue to bed.
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It's time to bring home all
the brave, sweaty troops,
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and no troops means no me
sitting on a plane for ten hours
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just to shake hands
with some guy named Kyle.
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Okay. World peace.
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Was the Defense Department made aware?
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Chopper's too loud!
Can't hear you! Ha, ha!
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Whatever, Louis!
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I didn't even want to go
hunting with you anyway!
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Ever since I started using
every waking moment
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of my adult life to compliment my dad,
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I have, like, no friends!
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I'm your friend!
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You're not my friend, Eric.
You're my brother and enemy.
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I'm not even getting
likes on this dank photo
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of me playing patty-cake
with a jaguar carcass!
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- Elon Musk liked it.
- Yeah, right.
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Like Mr. Tesla himself,
owner of "stankmemes.com",
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would ever like my dumb Po-oh...
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my... ass.
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_
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Joining me now to
discuss the President's
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sudden mass troop withdrawal...
self-appointed spokesman
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for millions of unwitting servicemen,
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Senator Lindsey Graham.
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The only way to keep this country safe
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is to have troops in Yemen for so long
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that, when they come home,
their dogs forget their scent
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and have to take cues from the room
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that they should be jumping
around all silly-like.
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Which brings us to the latest
installment of President Chump.
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Do I have to stay?
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The President is withdrawing the troops.
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You can't do that at the ATM.
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It's not the American Troop Machine.
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_
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Unfortunately, the only currency
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the military accepts is respect,
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a phrase made famous by
soul singer Aretha Franklin.
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♪ Aretha Franklin ♪
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Tapper, stop! I'm a
human being, damn it!
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Sir, you can't withdraw
the entire military
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just to avoid awkward conversation.
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Just pretend the troops are me
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and replicate our natural,
jazz-like banter.
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The closest our
conversations get to jazz
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is when I threaten to
beat you with a saxophone.
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The bottom line is
the perpetual war state
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only allows the commander-in-chief
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to add troops or shuffle the
more confused ones to the back.
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00:06:29,696 --> 00:06:31,863
Bill Shine. What are you doing here?
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Kellyanne told me you're upset.
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You only called into Fox & Friends
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for 70 minutes today?
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Bill, everyone acts like
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troops sacrifice more
than I do for this country.
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Did you know they let injured veterans
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skip the line at Space Mountain?
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Doesn't seem right!
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That's exactly what I told Goofy.
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It's as if my injury doesn't matter.
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It was 1969, and I was shipping out
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for my fifth deferment from Vietnam.
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Nixon had been elected.
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Loser John McCain was
still in a P-O-W camp
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00:07:01,805 --> 00:07:03,204
for being a total loser,
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00:07:03,229 --> 00:07:06,263
and my foot had an appointment
with the podiatrist.
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00:07:06,288 --> 00:07:09,623
America's most notorious
draft dodgers were there...
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00:07:09,648 --> 00:07:11,748
Dutch, an English major from Yale...
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00:07:11,773 --> 00:07:14,641
Snake Stan from Harvard,
an English major.
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And Grunt. By God, he was only 18,
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celebrating his last summer
before shipping off to Yale
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for his double major in
literature and English.
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Give it to me straight, Doc,
exactly how my dad told you to.
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You have bone spurs.
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♪ My foot hurts ♪
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- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ My foot hurts ♪
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I left my innocence on the carpet
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of that podiatrist's office.
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- We all did.
- It's disgraceful
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how America treats its
draft-dodging scions!
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I'll handle this.
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You just focus on being
the first president
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to say "dongasorus" on Yom Kippur.
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00:07:47,683 --> 00:07:50,117
Did you know Elon Musk went bald
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00:07:50,119 --> 00:07:52,786
and genius-scienced an
entire new head of hair?
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Just like Dad!
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00:07:54,303 --> 00:07:56,369
Dad's hair is real, idiot!
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00:08:01,187 --> 00:08:03,854
Any moment now, I will be high.
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00:08:03,879 --> 00:08:07,147
Hello? This is Elon Musk.
You're living in a simulation.
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00:08:07,172 --> 00:08:11,073
Hey! This is Don Junior Trump.
You know, from the news?
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00:08:11,197 --> 00:08:14,999
Ohh. Don Junior Trump.
How did you get my number?
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00:08:15,024 --> 00:08:16,791
You tweeted that you
paid five million bucks
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00:08:16,816 --> 00:08:18,449
for the number 420-6-9.
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00:08:18,474 --> 00:08:20,044
Oh, lé cool.
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00:08:20,069 --> 00:08:23,403
So you're the Trump kid
with the jaguar carcass?
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00:08:23,428 --> 00:08:26,063
Yeah! You should come by
and shoot it some more!
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00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:29,022
And maybe hang out? Is that awkward?
201
00:08:29,047 --> 00:08:31,447
- Desperate, much?!
- I'm nervous!
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00:08:31,472 --> 00:08:33,740
No, no, it's not awkward turtle.
203
00:08:33,765 --> 00:08:35,831
I'm pretty busy innovating right now.
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00:08:35,856 --> 00:08:36,857
Uh...
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00:08:36,881 --> 00:08:39,748
But I could come by
in, like, 18.4 minutes.
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00:08:41,931 --> 00:08:43,931
Look at these brave soldiers.
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00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:46,557
This is how we're gonna
fix your handshake problem.
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00:08:46,582 --> 00:08:50,250
For decades, rumors spread that
this flag planting was staged,
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00:08:50,275 --> 00:08:53,359
a bigger sham than Glenn
Beck becoming a scarf guy!
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00:08:53,384 --> 00:08:54,918
But validity doesn't matter
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00:08:54,943 --> 00:08:57,267
if the story is prime for marbleizing.
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00:08:57,292 --> 00:08:58,925
Don't shake it. Fake it!
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00:08:58,950 --> 00:09:02,919
Shine, last time I participated
in a misinformation campaign,
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00:09:02,944 --> 00:09:05,845
I became president of
the United States. Barf.
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00:09:05,870 --> 00:09:08,060
Fair enough. I guess you could sacrifice
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00:09:08,062 --> 00:09:10,195
one weekend and fly to Iraq...
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00:09:14,676 --> 00:09:16,676
Describe when you feel
the pain in your feet.
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00:09:16,701 --> 00:09:18,768
Every time I almost
serve in the military,
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00:09:18,793 --> 00:09:20,214
it stings pretty bad.
220
00:09:21,660 --> 00:09:24,561
I've already made one sacrifice
for this country, Bill,
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00:09:24,586 --> 00:09:26,285
and I'm not about to make another.
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00:09:26,310 --> 00:09:28,244
Then, Mr. President, let's fake
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00:09:28,269 --> 00:09:30,641
you shaking a soldier's hand.
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00:09:31,501 --> 00:09:32,766
What the hell was that?
225
00:09:32,791 --> 00:09:34,191
A fake-out, sir.
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00:09:34,216 --> 00:09:35,664
Oh, I get it.
227
00:09:35,689 --> 00:09:37,856
Do that again, and I'll fucking kill ya.
228
00:09:40,479 --> 00:09:41,884
So, what's the best way
229
00:09:41,908 --> 00:09:43,422
to fake this troop handshake?
230
00:09:43,447 --> 00:09:45,309
I-I'm new to this whole lying thing.
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00:09:46,824 --> 00:09:48,658
Okay, okay.
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00:09:48,683 --> 00:09:50,216
I said okay!
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00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:52,641
This country has a
rich history of fakery,
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00:09:52,666 --> 00:09:55,601
like pretending we care about
human rights in South America
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00:09:55,626 --> 00:09:57,492
and not just their tasty bananas.
236
00:09:57,517 --> 00:09:59,830
If you need any fake
Iraqi backdrops painted,
237
00:09:59,855 --> 00:10:03,090
it's watercolor week at
Karen's heterosexual art class.
238
00:10:03,115 --> 00:10:04,381
I can take every textbook
239
00:10:04,406 --> 00:10:06,439
and paste a bit about you visiting Iraq
240
00:10:06,464 --> 00:10:09,398
over the ten-word summary on
that whole Rosa Parks bus thing.
241
00:10:09,423 --> 00:10:12,758
These are the worst goddamn
pitches I've ever heard!
242
00:10:12,783 --> 00:10:14,482
And Bill O'Reilly once pitched me
243
00:10:14,507 --> 00:10:16,641
a call-in show titled
Late Night Whack Off.
244
00:10:16,666 --> 00:10:18,566
We're just gonna film
it on a soundstage.
245
00:10:18,591 --> 00:10:21,325
Can my actress wife play a
flight attendant or something?
246
00:10:21,350 --> 00:10:23,750
- No!
- Don't blame ya. She sucks.
247
00:10:23,775 --> 00:10:25,775
Just need to be able
to tell her I tried.
248
00:10:25,838 --> 00:10:29,139
I can't believe I'm
boozing with Elon Musk.
249
00:10:29,164 --> 00:10:31,998
It's nice to hang with someone
not trying to cancel me.
250
00:10:32,023 --> 00:10:34,224
People talk about me like I'm Dr. Evil.
251
00:10:34,249 --> 00:10:36,082
But Dr. Evil rules.
252
00:10:36,107 --> 00:10:37,940
And Mini-Me, too!
253
00:10:37,965 --> 00:10:39,865
Shit. Rest in peace, Mini-Me.
254
00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:41,657
I really thought I'd
win the public's love
255
00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:43,014
with my new hyperloop,
256
00:10:43,039 --> 00:10:46,007
but not even a luxury-car
portal for billionaires
257
00:10:46,032 --> 00:10:47,264
could turn my image around.
258
00:10:47,289 --> 00:10:50,124
No matter how hard we
try, we just can't get poor
259
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:52,382
and therefore ugly people to like us.
260
00:10:52,407 --> 00:10:54,808
- To real friends!
- And Mini-Me!
261
00:10:57,158 --> 00:10:58,758
Who are we getting to direct this
262
00:10:58,782 --> 00:11:00,282
handshake video... Woody Allen,
263
00:11:00,307 --> 00:11:02,473
Bryan Singer, Mario Batali?
264
00:11:02,507 --> 00:11:05,709
I'll film it. I was the visionary
behind Jesse Watters
265
00:11:05,734 --> 00:11:08,568
going down to Chinatown to
mock first-generation immigrants
266
00:11:08,593 --> 00:11:10,760
- who can't quote Tommy Boy.
- Cool!
267
00:11:10,785 --> 00:11:13,445
Now, I'm thinking the troops
come out to their theme song,
268
00:11:13,470 --> 00:11:16,037
which is just the word
"money" 500 times.
269
00:11:16,062 --> 00:11:17,421
Um, that's The Apprentice.
270
00:11:17,446 --> 00:11:20,148
Okay. How 'bout this...
instead of troops,
271
00:11:20,173 --> 00:11:22,773
we bring in tax-evading
sitcom sidekicks,
272
00:11:22,798 --> 00:11:24,331
bald country musicians,
273
00:11:24,356 --> 00:11:26,723
and a young, weeping Piers Morgan.
274
00:11:26,748 --> 00:11:29,648
- Celebrity Apprentice!
- It worked then; it'll work now!
275
00:11:29,734 --> 00:11:32,469
I'd like to get to some
of the stars if I can,
276
00:11:32,494 --> 00:11:34,727
but, if not, maybe
upload my consciousness
277
00:11:34,752 --> 00:11:37,052
into, like, that star...
or even that one.
278
00:11:37,077 --> 00:11:39,478
Elon, this has been the
best night of my life,
279
00:11:39,503 --> 00:11:41,637
and I once saw the Cash Cab drive by.
280
00:11:41,790 --> 00:11:44,457
Hey, do you think my dad would
want one of your hyperloops?
281
00:11:44,482 --> 00:11:45,614
He'd probably prefer it.
282
00:11:45,639 --> 00:11:47,494
Air Force One's toilet flushes scary.
283
00:11:47,519 --> 00:11:48,653
Well, here's the great thing.
284
00:11:48,677 --> 00:11:50,710
You don't need a
toilet on the hyperloop.
285
00:11:50,735 --> 00:11:52,835
You go so fast, your body's only capable
286
00:11:52,860 --> 00:11:55,172
of discharging orgasmic delirium.
287
00:11:55,197 --> 00:11:56,630
But how would we pay for it?
288
00:11:56,655 --> 00:11:59,256
I've been in the red ever
since I went all-in on currency
289
00:11:59,281 --> 00:12:01,073
for a fake country called Abo Dabbo.
290
00:12:01,098 --> 00:12:03,153
Uh, do you think getting
funding from Congress
291
00:12:03,178 --> 00:12:05,379
would be fire or, like, suss?
292
00:12:05,404 --> 00:12:07,904
Good luck getting it
through those vanilla dorks.
293
00:12:07,929 --> 00:12:09,996
They wouldn't even
let my dad build a wall
294
00:12:10,021 --> 00:12:11,854
between refugees and their newborns.
295
00:12:11,879 --> 00:12:14,179
Don't worry. I'm from Silicon Valley.
296
00:12:14,204 --> 00:12:17,005
With a smoke machine,
disorienting house music,
297
00:12:17,030 --> 00:12:20,198
and the unblinking confidence
of a YouTube pickup artist,
298
00:12:20,223 --> 00:12:21,582
anything is possible.
299
00:12:22,563 --> 00:12:25,697
That star's pretty cool.
So many cool stars.
300
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,548
This reminds me of the
good ol' days at Fox News.
301
00:12:30,573 --> 00:12:34,208
I bet Roger Ailes is in heaven
right now, groping down on us.
302
00:12:34,233 --> 00:12:35,699
My brother started Blackwater
303
00:12:35,724 --> 00:12:37,823
and gave me some tips
to get into character...
304
00:12:37,848 --> 00:12:40,712
back straight, chin up,
shoot a few civilians.
305
00:12:40,737 --> 00:12:42,169
Oh, that's a good idea.
We should do that.
306
00:12:42,171 --> 00:12:43,538
I'm late. Whatever.
307
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:44,829
Go over there and shake
308
00:12:44,854 --> 00:12:46,987
Lieutenant Mnuchin's hand,
please. We're rolling.
309
00:12:47,012 --> 00:12:49,245
Well, wait a second.
I have to shake a hand?
310
00:12:49,270 --> 00:12:50,837
- Jesus fucking hell!
- Ugh!
311
00:12:50,862 --> 00:12:53,162
Fine, fine! Shut up!
312
00:12:53,187 --> 00:12:55,120
And... action!
313
00:12:55,222 --> 00:12:58,123
Wow! Troops! We love the troops!
314
00:12:58,148 --> 00:13:00,849
Oh, no! Enemy attack! I'm so brave!
315
00:13:00,874 --> 00:13:02,941
No other president has ever done this!
316
00:13:02,966 --> 00:13:04,664
I must really love our troops!
317
00:13:04,689 --> 00:13:06,638
We'll fix it in post.
318
00:13:06,663 --> 00:13:09,864
No other president has ever done this!
319
00:13:09,889 --> 00:13:11,922
I must really love our troops!
320
00:13:11,947 --> 00:13:14,747
Okay. I'm going to re-defeat ISIS!
321
00:13:20,842 --> 00:13:22,609
Ahh! That's right, ISIS!
322
00:13:23,779 --> 00:13:25,312
Alright, that's all set.
323
00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:27,570
This handshake has once again proved
324
00:13:27,595 --> 00:13:30,557
our President's undying primordial love
325
00:13:30,582 --> 00:13:31,780
for this country!
326
00:13:31,805 --> 00:13:35,671
Folks, we're having a parade
for him across the entire nation
327
00:13:35,696 --> 00:13:37,596
right now led by me!
328
00:13:37,621 --> 00:13:40,055
Let's go!
329
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:43,678
Looks like President Chump
has become President Champ.
330
00:13:43,703 --> 00:13:44,998
But instead of
331
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:48,268
climbing the steps of the
Philadelphia Museum of Art,
332
00:13:48,293 --> 00:13:52,194
like Rocky did, he's climbing
the ranks of best Presidents.
333
00:13:55,353 --> 00:13:56,854
Cory Booker's up there?
334
00:13:56,879 --> 00:14:00,447
That guy's cool as ass! He
wears jeans on the weekends.
335
00:14:00,472 --> 00:14:02,859
Just remember... be as cold and inhuman
336
00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:04,550
as the technology you're selling.
337
00:14:04,575 --> 00:14:05,675
Thanks.
338
00:14:06,895 --> 00:14:08,795
Oh, and, Elon?
339
00:14:09,024 --> 00:14:10,123
Yeah?
340
00:14:10,125 --> 00:14:11,324
Thanks.
341
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:16,862
I'm here to revolutionize the world
342
00:14:16,887 --> 00:14:19,989
by installing mass
transit for the rest of us.
343
00:14:20,014 --> 00:14:22,414
People who flip out
if the flight attendant
344
00:14:22,439 --> 00:14:25,573
asks us to alter our
behavior in literally any way.
345
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,732
As a resident of Silicon Valley...
346
00:14:27,757 --> 00:14:29,258
- Ooh!
- He lives there.
347
00:14:29,282 --> 00:14:32,049
... I know what it takes
to build this hyperloop
348
00:14:32,074 --> 00:14:34,941
fast, cheap, and with technology.
349
00:14:34,966 --> 00:14:37,667
I've been told technology
is the future of tech!
350
00:14:37,692 --> 00:14:40,065
Here's a normal train
going very slow as ass.
351
00:14:40,090 --> 00:14:41,557
- Boo!
- Boresville!
352
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:42,955
Where's the technology?
353
00:14:42,957 --> 00:14:45,590
But here is my hyperloop, going so fast!
354
00:14:45,615 --> 00:14:46,747
Look at it go!
355
00:14:46,772 --> 00:14:48,648
It's faster than the slow one!
356
00:14:48,673 --> 00:14:51,074
Hey, Schumer, what's
the most annoying thing
357
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,365
about mass transit?
358
00:14:52,390 --> 00:14:54,423
When loud groups of unruly teenagers
359
00:14:54,456 --> 00:14:56,047
mock my sensible shoes.
360
00:14:56,072 --> 00:14:57,771
We're on our feet all day!
361
00:14:57,796 --> 00:15:00,764
My hyperloop takes the
mass out of mass transit.
362
00:15:00,789 --> 00:15:02,956
It's just you and your car underground.
363
00:15:02,981 --> 00:15:05,177
So it's a car tunnel?
364
00:15:05,202 --> 00:15:06,701
Turn up the fog.
365
00:15:06,726 --> 00:15:09,193
- Ooh!
- Great fog tech!
366
00:15:09,218 --> 00:15:11,685
For a hyperloop from...
and I'm thinking randomly...
367
00:15:11,710 --> 00:15:13,643
Washington, D.C., to Mar-a-Lago,
368
00:15:13,668 --> 00:15:16,570
all I'm asking for is $40 million.
369
00:15:16,595 --> 00:15:18,161
Make it a billion, and you have a deal!
370
00:15:20,726 --> 00:15:24,295
Speech! Speech! Speech!
371
00:15:24,297 --> 00:15:27,064
Bill, we did it. We made it
look like I did it.
372
00:15:27,066 --> 00:15:28,932
How are you this good at optics?
373
00:15:28,957 --> 00:15:31,725
Let's just say... I'm seeing 20/20!
374
00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:33,216
Oh, no.
375
00:15:33,241 --> 00:15:36,342
Shut the hell up until I get it!
376
00:15:36,537 --> 00:15:38,071
Hey, everyone.
377
00:15:38,096 --> 00:15:41,365
My wife bought me a Sony Mini-DCR HC26
378
00:15:41,390 --> 00:15:44,658
a couple Christmases ago, so
I caught some fun bloopers.
379
00:15:44,683 --> 00:15:45,749
Enjoy.
380
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,487
Uh-oh. Here we go.
381
00:15:50,423 --> 00:15:51,855
Thank you for your shervish.
382
00:15:51,857 --> 00:15:53,156
- Shervish?!
- Wait, wait.
383
00:15:54,694 --> 00:15:56,359
He said what?!
384
00:15:56,361 --> 00:15:58,261
Thank you for your service.
385
00:15:58,263 --> 00:15:59,562
Oh, my God!
386
00:15:59,564 --> 00:16:01,331
Oh, my God! Call an ambulance!
387
00:16:01,356 --> 00:16:03,322
Oh, no.
388
00:16:03,347 --> 00:16:05,247
Where is Mnuchin, anyway?
389
00:16:05,272 --> 00:16:07,439
God. I don't even know
why I'm doing this.
390
00:16:07,464 --> 00:16:09,897
I genuinely hate the troops.
391
00:16:09,922 --> 00:16:11,422
You shouldn't laugh at that!
392
00:16:11,447 --> 00:16:13,747
Honestly, it should
turn your blood cold.
393
00:16:13,772 --> 00:16:17,608
Because I am serious. I
absolutely hate the troops!
394
00:16:19,251 --> 00:16:20,484
Pompeo Productions.
395
00:16:22,723 --> 00:16:24,754
Wow. I'm glad you guys like it.
396
00:16:24,779 --> 00:16:27,046
I was nervous when I
posted it on YouTube.
397
00:16:29,628 --> 00:16:33,528
I can feel everyone's mad at me,
but, again, I don't know why.
398
00:16:38,659 --> 00:16:40,760
I'm Wolf Blitzer, and every morning
399
00:16:40,785 --> 00:16:43,736
I wake up in a suit, unsure
how it got on my body.
400
00:16:43,761 --> 00:16:45,041
According to a blooper reel
401
00:16:45,066 --> 00:16:48,434
posted by YouTube user
"CoolSecretAgent63",
402
00:16:48,459 --> 00:16:51,894
the footage of Trump shaking
the hand of troops was staged.
403
00:16:51,919 --> 00:16:54,153
Joining me now, a man whose
brain makes him stutter
404
00:16:54,178 --> 00:16:56,845
out of sheer self-preservation,
Rudy Giuliani.
405
00:16:56,870 --> 00:16:59,203
Is it true the troops are so insulted
406
00:16:59,228 --> 00:17:01,428
that they no longer want
the president to visit?
407
00:17:01,453 --> 00:17:02,954
Now, let me stop you right there, Shep.
408
00:17:02,978 --> 00:17:05,913
Clearly, Donald Trump didn't
shake the hand of a real soldier
409
00:17:05,938 --> 00:17:08,535
because he's too lazy to
fly to the Middle East.
410
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:11,327
Uh-oh! Maybe if I say
the same thing backwards,
411
00:17:11,352 --> 00:17:12,985
it's like clicking "undo".
412
00:17:14,344 --> 00:17:16,511
- I'm so sorry, sir.
- Sorry?
413
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,303
The troops found out the video's fake,
414
00:17:18,328 --> 00:17:21,162
and now they hate me so much
they don't want me to visit?
415
00:17:21,187 --> 00:17:24,588
Shine, you did it! Whoo!
416
00:17:24,613 --> 00:17:27,526
So, if we convert my dad's
bed into the elevator,
417
00:17:27,551 --> 00:17:30,385
he could ride his mattress
all the way to Mar-a-Lago!
418
00:17:30,410 --> 00:17:31,877
Where's the power source?
419
00:17:31,902 --> 00:17:34,268
Ugh! All this thinking
has sobered me up.
420
00:17:34,293 --> 00:17:35,459
Want to go to Bringo's?
421
00:17:35,484 --> 00:17:37,118
It's eleven-dollar Coors' night!
422
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:39,309
Uh, how 'bout you go
and I'll meet you there?
423
00:17:39,334 --> 00:17:41,634
Sometimes a genius needs
to work alone, you know?
424
00:17:41,659 --> 00:17:43,693
What's the point of being a genius
425
00:17:43,718 --> 00:17:45,884
if you don't have a best
friend to share it with?
426
00:17:45,909 --> 00:17:48,343
What's Albert without Einstein?
427
00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:52,070
Yeah, man, go for it.
Whatever you need. I'm good.
428
00:17:52,095 --> 00:17:53,662
I'm heading to Mar-a-Lago
429
00:17:53,686 --> 00:17:55,152
for some well-earned me time.
430
00:17:55,177 --> 00:17:58,338
If Melania asks where I am...
Oh, who am I kidding?
431
00:17:58,363 --> 00:17:59,928
Hey, where's the salute-y guy?
432
00:17:59,953 --> 00:18:01,153
You mean the Marine?
433
00:18:01,178 --> 00:18:03,695
He went AWOL when he
saw that blooper reel.
434
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:06,124
Well, one more arm lift
I don't have to do today.
435
00:18:06,149 --> 00:18:08,183
Also, your pilots went AWOL, too.
436
00:18:08,208 --> 00:18:10,575
Some people just don't
have the personal fortitude
437
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,233
to work for people they hate.
438
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:14,792
So, you're saying I have to...
439
00:18:14,817 --> 00:18:16,683
walk?
440
00:18:18,767 --> 00:18:20,834
I'd rather ride in a shitty hatchback
441
00:18:20,836 --> 00:18:22,269
with Satan himself!
442
00:18:22,271 --> 00:18:24,537
Did someone say hatchback?
443
00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:27,397
All aboard the S.S. S.S.!
444
00:18:28,737 --> 00:18:32,605
Ugh! Elon is six hours late.
My Coors is piping-hot now!
445
00:18:33,584 --> 00:18:35,761
Merging technology and government
446
00:18:35,786 --> 00:18:38,253
is an important step Congress must take.
447
00:18:38,278 --> 00:18:40,478
Today, Elon Musk's hyperloop.
448
00:18:40,503 --> 00:18:42,569
Tomorrow, functional voting machines
449
00:18:42,594 --> 00:18:44,523
that don't collapse when
you close the curtain.
450
00:18:44,548 --> 00:18:47,183
This hyperloop will have serious BDE,
451
00:18:47,208 --> 00:18:49,809
which, of course, stands
for Big Dick Energy.
452
00:18:49,834 --> 00:18:52,234
- Yeah. Uh-oh. I said it.
- Can you turn this off?
453
00:18:52,259 --> 00:18:53,959
The hyperloop is gonna
break the Internet.
454
00:18:53,984 --> 00:18:55,137
What does the fox say?
455
00:18:55,162 --> 00:18:56,828
He says, "Anyone who
doubts the hyperloop
456
00:18:56,853 --> 00:18:58,352
can cash me outside, how 'bout dah!"
457
00:18:58,377 --> 00:18:59,677
Can you turn this off, please?
458
00:18:59,702 --> 00:19:02,151
Hey... What? Just wanted
to take another look
459
00:19:02,176 --> 00:19:04,043
- at this hyperloop.
- Turn it off, please!
460
00:19:04,045 --> 00:19:07,479
Let me tell you guys, the
hyperloop will be lit A-F.
461
00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:09,916
- Hyperloop, Felicia!
- Please turn it off!
462
00:19:09,918 --> 00:19:13,886
I've always dreamed we'd
drive south together, doing 90,
463
00:19:13,888 --> 00:19:16,880
tailgating some Hispanic
family road-tripping to Disney.
464
00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:18,973
Can't we just put on the radio?
465
00:19:18,998 --> 00:19:21,664
How about the one CD
that's stuck in there?
466
00:19:25,282 --> 00:19:27,642
Ah-ah. Don't touch the
knob. It only gets louder.
467
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,359
You have any snacks or anything?
468
00:19:29,384 --> 00:19:32,719
Doritos Nacho Blasters?
Cheetos Nacho Blast 'Ems?
469
00:19:32,744 --> 00:19:35,545
Something even better
than junk food... Soylent!
470
00:19:35,570 --> 00:19:38,872
All your daily vitamins
in one thick lurid cream.
471
00:19:38,897 --> 00:19:40,897
How much longer is this gonna be?
472
00:19:40,922 --> 00:19:43,789
This car is sort of the opposite
of that bus from Speed...
473
00:19:43,814 --> 00:19:46,915
once you get over 60,
it immediately blows up.
474
00:19:46,940 --> 00:19:49,507
And that's how I found out
that I'm susceptible to cults
475
00:19:49,532 --> 00:19:51,128
but immune to cyanide capsules.
476
00:19:51,153 --> 00:19:52,853
- Oh, look, we're here.
- Let me out!
477
00:19:52,878 --> 00:19:54,651
Hold on. You have to open
all the doors at once,
478
00:19:54,675 --> 00:19:55,699
or it doesn't work.
479
00:19:55,724 --> 00:19:58,458
Mar-a-Lago. The one place in the world
480
00:19:58,483 --> 00:20:01,517
where I'm welcomed with open,
gold watch-covered arms.
481
00:20:04,201 --> 00:20:08,607
Oh, no! Every board member
is a defense contractor!
482
00:20:08,632 --> 00:20:12,334
Forget the troops!
I pissed off Lockheed Martin!
483
00:20:12,359 --> 00:20:14,287
Lockheed...
484
00:20:14,312 --> 00:20:18,414
M-a-a-a-artin!
485
00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:22,619
Don't feel bad about getting kicked out
486
00:20:22,621 --> 00:20:23,920
of your own country club, sir.
487
00:20:23,945 --> 00:20:26,479
I've been kicked out of
three Red Robins this week
488
00:20:26,504 --> 00:20:27,770
just for scent alone.
489
00:20:27,795 --> 00:20:29,695
Why is it so hot?
490
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,986
I can't turn on the AC without awakening
491
00:20:32,011 --> 00:20:34,912
a nasty colony of hornets
currently breeding in there.
492
00:20:34,937 --> 00:20:38,104
Just. Take me. Back.
493
00:20:38,129 --> 00:20:39,663
- Boo! Boo!
- Troop hater!
494
00:20:39,704 --> 00:20:41,404
Respect the troops!
495
00:20:41,429 --> 00:20:42,728
I hate the people,
496
00:20:42,753 --> 00:20:45,287
but the people aren't
supposed to hate me.
497
00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:47,979
I had military-grade wipers installed
498
00:20:48,004 --> 00:20:49,537
just for these situations.
499
00:20:49,562 --> 00:20:52,095
Comes in handy literally
every moment of my life.
500
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:54,221
- This button?
- No! That's the AC!
501
00:20:55,304 --> 00:20:57,363
Arm yourself! It's the queen!
502
00:20:57,388 --> 00:20:59,588
Thanks for coming, Jeff Bezos.
503
00:20:59,613 --> 00:21:01,980
I prefer my billionaires
without a full head
504
00:21:02,005 --> 00:21:03,572
of luscious high-tech hair.
505
00:21:03,597 --> 00:21:06,463
I'm glad you called and that
your father put aside our feud
506
00:21:06,488 --> 00:21:08,688
to learn how Amazon is revolutionizing
507
00:21:08,713 --> 00:21:11,180
the way our economy hollows
out the middle class.
508
00:21:11,205 --> 00:21:13,329
Sure. Hey, you know what would be fun?
509
00:21:13,354 --> 00:21:15,888
Doing an Instagram video just for fun.
510
00:21:16,039 --> 00:21:18,840
Hey, Elo... Er, shit. Hey, everybody!
511
00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:21,543
I'm here with my best
billionaire buddy, Jay-zos.
512
00:21:21,568 --> 00:21:24,268
Is Amazon kicking around
any cool innovations?
513
00:21:24,293 --> 00:21:26,727
A flying skateboard?
Really funny glasses?
514
00:21:26,752 --> 00:21:28,318
We're adding low-cost housing
515
00:21:28,343 --> 00:21:30,228
to our intercontinental cargo ships
516
00:21:30,253 --> 00:21:32,253
so Amazon Fulfillment Families can sort
517
00:21:32,255 --> 00:21:34,355
recurring toiletry
orders from the comfort
518
00:21:34,357 --> 00:21:36,024
of their own intermodal containers.
519
00:21:36,026 --> 00:21:38,025
Uck! Why did I think you'd be cool?!
520
00:21:38,050 --> 00:21:41,085
Your claim to fame is delivering
a single tube of toothpaste
521
00:21:41,110 --> 00:21:42,510
in nine pounds of cardboard.
522
00:21:42,535 --> 00:21:43,858
Talk about an understatement.
523
00:21:43,883 --> 00:21:46,215
I won't talk about that, actually!
524
00:21:47,382 --> 00:21:48,903
Those guys had it made.
525
00:21:48,927 --> 00:21:51,728
A beach covered in blood
and guts is still a beach.
526
00:21:51,753 --> 00:21:54,587
There's still time to save
yourself, Mr. President!
527
00:21:54,612 --> 00:21:57,914
Senator Lindsey Graham?
What are you doing here?
528
00:21:57,939 --> 00:22:00,172
I'm always right behind you,
529
00:22:00,197 --> 00:22:03,398
just in case you need something
like a bottle of water,
530
00:22:03,423 --> 00:22:05,924
a folksy saying with racist undertones,
531
00:22:05,949 --> 00:22:07,941
or if you're ever having
trouble with the troops...
532
00:22:07,965 --> 00:22:09,925
- The last one!
- Just go meet 'em.
533
00:22:09,950 --> 00:22:13,322
It's not a sacrifice for you.
It's a sacrifice for them.
534
00:22:13,347 --> 00:22:14,476
They're the ones who gotta climb
535
00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:16,540
out of their bunks at
2 a.m. for a photo op
536
00:22:16,565 --> 00:22:18,765
even though on the ballot
they wrote in "Ron Paul".
537
00:22:18,790 --> 00:22:21,691
But I specifically said I wouldn't go.
538
00:22:21,716 --> 00:22:24,051
How can I betray my principles?
539
00:22:24,076 --> 00:22:27,577
I used to say Donald Trump
was evil human garbage,
540
00:22:27,602 --> 00:22:30,603
but then my best friend
who didn't like me died,
541
00:22:30,628 --> 00:22:33,523
and I needed a new best
friend who didn't like me,
542
00:22:33,548 --> 00:22:34,814
and that's you.
543
00:22:36,251 --> 00:22:37,817
Hey, this is Awesome Chris,
544
00:22:37,819 --> 00:22:39,719
and I'm gonna pour 40 ounces of Patrón
545
00:22:39,721 --> 00:22:41,621
into this helium balloon and swallow it.
546
00:22:41,646 --> 00:22:43,913
I wonder if Awesome
Chris would be my friend.
547
00:22:43,938 --> 00:22:46,501
- Hey.
- What are you doing here?
548
00:22:46,526 --> 00:22:48,060
Shouldn't you be with Cory Booker
549
00:22:48,062 --> 00:22:49,296
and his cool weekend jeans?
550
00:22:49,321 --> 00:22:52,555
Eh. Seeing you with another
pursed lipped billionaire
551
00:22:52,580 --> 00:22:54,280
made me miss our laughs.
552
00:22:55,541 --> 00:22:58,237
Remember when we yelled at
that waitress for being old,
553
00:22:58,239 --> 00:23:00,005
and she heard us and frowned?
554
00:23:00,007 --> 00:23:01,907
I never meant to use you.
555
00:23:01,932 --> 00:23:04,166
I just saw an opportunity
to leverage our friendship
556
00:23:04,191 --> 00:23:06,633
for financial and political
gain, and I took it.
557
00:23:06,658 --> 00:23:08,492
You should've just told me that!
558
00:23:08,517 --> 00:23:10,750
I heard your father
needs to get to Iraq.
559
00:23:10,775 --> 00:23:13,042
I could sure use some
help building a hyperloop.
560
00:23:13,067 --> 00:23:15,567
But Iraq is a hundreds of miles away.
561
00:23:15,592 --> 00:23:18,593
Once you get into the ground,
every point is equidistant.
562
00:23:18,618 --> 00:23:22,087
Equi-what?! You are a genius!
563
00:23:22,196 --> 00:23:24,229
Tesla Motors.
564
00:23:25,932 --> 00:23:29,501
The future is affluent.
565
00:23:29,503 --> 00:23:33,104
♪ T-E-S-L-A, Tesla ♪
566
00:23:33,106 --> 00:23:35,239
♪ It's solar power for the elite ♪
567
00:23:35,241 --> 00:23:37,008
♪ Solar power for the elite ♪
568
00:23:37,010 --> 00:23:40,444
♪ T-E-S-L-A, Tesla ♪
569
00:23:40,446 --> 00:23:44,149
♪ Electric cars for the one percent ♪
570
00:23:44,151 --> 00:23:47,585
♪ Millionaires fighting
climate change in style ♪
571
00:23:47,587 --> 00:23:49,154
♪ In a car made by that guy ♪
572
00:23:49,156 --> 00:23:51,656
♪ Who called that Thai
diver a pedophile ♪
573
00:23:51,658 --> 00:23:53,291
♪ Pedophile, pedophile ♪
574
00:23:53,293 --> 00:23:55,226
♪ T-E-S-L-A, Tesla ♪
575
00:23:55,228 --> 00:23:57,327
♪ Electric cars for the elite ♪
576
00:23:58,331 --> 00:23:59,904
Friends, family,
577
00:23:59,929 --> 00:24:01,865
the millions of people
who wanted to be here
578
00:24:01,867 --> 00:24:04,168
but had to pick up a
friend from the airport,
579
00:24:04,170 --> 00:24:06,370
today, I head to the Middle East
580
00:24:06,372 --> 00:24:09,481
to shake the hand of a
United States soldier.
581
00:24:09,506 --> 00:24:10,838
When will I return?
582
00:24:10,863 --> 00:24:13,370
No one knows, but
probably later tonight.
583
00:24:13,395 --> 00:24:14,752
Lindsey, if I don't make it back,
584
00:24:14,777 --> 00:24:16,247
I give you permission to become
585
00:24:16,249 --> 00:24:18,441
an engorged leech upon Mitt Romney.
586
00:24:18,466 --> 00:24:21,966
Thank you, Mr. President.
Give that hand hell!
587
00:24:23,005 --> 00:24:24,871
Oh, shit, no pilot.
588
00:24:24,896 --> 00:24:27,331
The military still hates
me for hating them!
589
00:24:27,356 --> 00:24:28,655
Handshake is canceled.
590
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,822
Should we just blow up
America and start over?
591
00:24:30,847 --> 00:24:34,415
Dad! Wait! I made a friend.
592
00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:36,340
Don, this isn't a time for jokes.
593
00:24:36,365 --> 00:24:39,166
I'm serious! He has this
tube, and you get in,
594
00:24:39,191 --> 00:24:40,690
and it's a car, and then you...
595
00:24:40,715 --> 00:24:42,315
He can explain it better than me,
596
00:24:42,341 --> 00:24:45,542
but you go right to Iraq in,
like, ten minutes or something.
597
00:24:50,082 --> 00:24:53,455
Don't worry, Mr. President.
We worked out all the kinks.
598
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:54,645
Who's "we"?
599
00:24:54,670 --> 00:24:56,571
Oh, me and your son Don Jr.
600
00:24:56,596 --> 00:24:57,961
Oh, this will not work.
601
00:24:57,986 --> 00:25:01,255
Relax. I know what I'm doing.
I'm from Silicon Vall...
602
00:25:05,001 --> 00:25:07,635
Wh-Wha... What happened?
603
00:25:07,660 --> 00:25:09,927
You blew up, Dad! It was awesome!
604
00:25:09,952 --> 00:25:11,085
And Elon Musk?
605
00:25:11,110 --> 00:25:12,709
He died doing what he loved...
606
00:25:12,734 --> 00:25:16,069
spending lots of money to
explode a thing nobody wanted.
607
00:25:16,094 --> 00:25:19,015
And he'll get to die again, someday.
608
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:20,773
Elon! You're back!
609
00:25:20,798 --> 00:25:23,432
Well, I downloaded my
personality from the cloud
610
00:25:23,457 --> 00:25:25,490
into a genetically altered corpse.
611
00:25:25,515 --> 00:25:28,817
I won't give any more details
because they're a tad immoral.
612
00:25:28,842 --> 00:25:32,510
Dad, you got wounded while
trying to visit a combat zone!
613
00:25:32,535 --> 00:25:34,035
You're a hero!
614
00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:40,515
And so I stand here in...
615
00:25:41,647 --> 00:25:43,666
Doggy Bag, Iraq...
616
00:25:43,668 --> 00:25:46,168
to shake the hand of the brave citizen
617
00:25:46,170 --> 00:25:50,572
who injured himself on his
way to the line of duty... me.
618
00:25:52,070 --> 00:25:54,505
I encourage the men who serve
619
00:25:54,530 --> 00:25:57,730
and women who abandoned
their gender to serve
620
00:25:57,755 --> 00:26:01,157
to take their own hand and
shake the hell out of it.
621
00:26:01,182 --> 00:26:02,948
Lord knows I'm not gonna.
622
00:26:02,973 --> 00:26:04,340
Y'all nasty!
623
00:26:04,365 --> 00:26:07,098
- Can we go back to bed?
- Ron Paul revolution!
624
00:26:07,123 --> 00:26:10,012
And that was the President
earlier today in Iraq,
625
00:26:10,037 --> 00:26:11,671
giving us the inspiration
626
00:26:11,696 --> 00:26:14,830
for another installment
of President Chump...
627
00:26:14,855 --> 00:26:18,190
who, after his injury, could
receive a Purple Heart.
628
00:26:18,215 --> 00:26:21,315
All he needs is a brain
and some courage,
629
00:26:21,340 --> 00:26:25,543
and he'll be the wizard
of Washington, D.C.
630
00:26:25,568 --> 00:26:28,101
Those are always fun.
631
00:26:28,189 --> 00:26:30,456
Now on to the looming nuclear war
632
00:26:30,481 --> 00:26:32,315
between India and Pakistan.
633
00:27:30,439 --> 00:27:32,438
Trump!
634
00:27:32,462 --> 00:27:37,462
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- www.addic7ed.com -
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