All language subtitles for Tacoma.FD.S03E03.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- Ah.

- Uh-huh.
And how about here?

- Okay.

First, stop doing six months
of flossing

the night before you see me.
You can't just catch up.

- Agree to disagree.

- Second, your wisdom teeth
are infected.

They need to come out.
- What? When?

- Today.
- No, I can't.

Today is the Chili Cook-off at
the station, and I'm the judge.

- There's literally chili
in those teeth.

They have to come out.

- Doc, listen, I've had
these teeth all my life.

They fill out my mouth.

They give me
a nice long chew-span.

- I told you to do this
three years ago.

- Well, why didn't we?

- You said you were judging
a Pancake Cook-off.

- That's because I'm
a great Cook-off judge.

- And now they're infected.

- Fine. Let's do it.

- All right.
I'll get you set up

with plenty of pain killers
for post-surgery.

- I don't need it. I mean,
it's just oral surgery, right?

It's, like,
the lamest surgery there is.

- Careful.

You could wake up with no teeth
in your mouth.

- What?

- The hunter-gatherers
have returned!

- And we come bearing
great quantities of meat.

- And sour cream.

- What are you watching, Cap?

- It's this cooking show
"Chef U.C.K."

- Ooh, I love that show.

- Somebody's reliving
the glory days.

- Which ones?
- The Chili Cook-off, man.

Just admit it.
You retired too soon.

And now there's
a new sheriff in town.

Two-time reigning Champion

fighting Granny Smith!

- Okay, okay.

I crushed you at
the Chili Cook-off many times

before I retired.

- That was when I was a boy.

Face the man now.
You see?

- Yeah. Well, my seven Chili
Championships are behind me,

and I like being retired.

- You're like Jordan, retiring
at the top of your game.

- That's right. Because there
were no more challenges,

and there still wouldn't be.

- Whoa. Whoa.
- Okay.

And this year is gonna be
a little bit different

because I got my uncle's
famous chili recipe,

and I'm gonna blow
y'all out of the water.

It's called--wait.

It's called--oh, my God.

- You should try
a memory word-train.

You say a word

and it makes you think
of the next word and so on

until you get back to the thing
you were trying to remember.

- Oh, okay.
Yeah, I heard that.

So you just, like,
say it like a word-train.

Like, like, chili, chili--
chili dog, dog, doghouse,

housework, work, work pants,
pants pocket--

hey, my car keys. I didn't
even know these were lost.

Thanks, Andy.
That works.

- Glad I could help, I guess.

- In honor of the 25th Annual
A Shift Chili Cook-off,

I got us a little upgrade.

both: Oh, shit.
The Chili Chalice.

I had them add some effects
down at TakeHomeA Trophy.

It was 7 bucks.

50 bucks for insurance, but we
can split that or whatever.

Man, look, Cap,
you're all over this thing.

2016, Chili Wonka.

- Chili with a hint of
chocolate to melt your heart.

- 2015, Chilary Swank,

2014, Winston ChurChili,
2013, Chili Nelson.

- Oh, yeah. That one
that gave you the munchies.

- But look at this new
blank name space, though.

- I had them add another base

so we can add
more names to it.

- All that empty space
after my name

makes the Penisi era
look like ages ago.

- And I'm okay with because
I'm retired. End of story.

- Hey, where's our judge?

- Lucy's driving him
from the dentist right now.

The dude just got
all his wisdom teeth removed.

- Is he gonna be able to judge?
- You tell me.

Lucy just went live-streaming
on "Boi-oi-oing."

Lower seals! Lower seals!

Hey, it's a safari.
Wanna go on a safari?

They got lions and tigers.

They got rhinoceroses.
They got wildebeests.

Often they have safaris
on the Serengeti.

Have you ever been
to Serengeti before?

- Man, these videos
are so embarrassing.

I'm telling you, that's a good
lesson to young people,

though, right?
- Yeah.

- Stay away from the dentist.

- No, that's not the lesson.

- I'm gonna get one of those
squirrel suits.

You wear
a squirrel suit before?

- No, Dad.

- You can fly off cliffs
with 'em. They're skin tight.

Super tight. It's skin tight.

- Lower seals! Lower seals!

I don't know why the seals
won't go down.

- Wow, you are Boing-ing
like crazy.

- Lucy, is this real life?

Hey. Whoo!

Throw me in the ball pit.
- He is lunchmeat.

- What's up, Eddie!
Hey.

You wanna ride the
rollercoaster with me?

Oh!
- Whoo.

- Ah!
- Yeah.

- That's a good one.

- Hey, hey!
- Hey.

- I got an owl box.
- I know.

- You know I got an owl box?
- I helped you put it up.

I helped you put it up.
- I put it in my backyard.

I have a rodent problem.
You know rodents?

- Yes.

- Owls eat rabbits, gophers,
skunks, moles, monkeys.

- Do you have monkeys
on your land?

- Yeah, gopher monkeys.
- Gopher monkeys?

- Yeah. You ever seen
gopher monkeys before?

- No. What do they eat?
Underground bananas?

- They eat rocks.
- A rock monkey?

- I wish things could always
be this way.

- Hey, I saw you
on the social media.

- The social media, huh?
- Yeah.

- Well, did you see
that I was kind of blowing up?

- You know, there are people--
- Hey, hey.

- Who don't like
those kind of videos.

- Did you know I got
an owl box?

- Especially dentist ones.
- Hey, I got an owl box.

- And this is one of them.
I know.

I helped you
put up the owl box.

- I don't mean to interrupt.
Go ahead.

- Do you know how hard it is

to get a video to spring
on Boi-oi-oing?

He got me 100 re-bounces.
I mean, if he keeps this up,

he could be
the next Cranberry Juice Guy.

- How come my legs don't go up?
- Did you ask his permission?

- Yeah.
I mean, of course I asked him.

- You like pickles?
- I love pickles.

- Dill?
- Dill, fried.

- Gherkins?
- How do you not love this?

- Just be careful.
- I got it. I got it.

- Nice one, Chief.

- Whoa, who's this guy?
- Andy.

- Is he real, this guy?
- Yeah, he's real.

- Yeah. Hey, are you excited
about a little Chili Cook-off?

- Oh, it's gonna be
super awesome.

- Oh, yeah.
- I've been watching it on TV.

- No, we're gonna be
doing it here.

- No, it's been on ESPN.

- I was thinking that maybe

I'd use a recipe
from the islands.

- Hawaii.
- Yeah.

But do you like pineapple?

- I like in piña coladas.
- That's great.

- Do you like piña colada?
- I do.

- One time when she was
16-years-old,

I caught Lucy drinking
piña colada.

- Oh, God.

- Such a great story.
- Yeah, thanks, man.

- Well, that's all
I needed to hear. Goodnight.

- It's got a lot
of vitamins in it.

- Great.

- Hey, when
will I see you again?

- Still gonna be here.
- Lucy! Lucy!

- Hey, are we gonna do
the morning meeting today?

- When is today?
- Um, now.

- You don't have to, Chief.
- No, let's do it.

Morning meeting?
That's my favorite thing.

- Oof.
- Be careful, Chief.

- Kinda looks
like a Fruit Roll-Up.

Granny,
is he supposed to do that?

- No.

How much more is there?

- Almost done.

- Ugh.
- That hurt.

- Oh, God.
- Ugh.

- Good. So that's done.
- Enough of that, right?

Right now I'm gonna open
the floor up to questions.

- Hey, if we're doing
questions, can I--

- Yeah, muscles. Go.

- If you had to get rid of one
fire fighter out of all us...

- Uh-oh.
- Be honest.

Would it be Andy?
- Hey.

- It definitely would not
be Andy

because I often use
his toothbrush.

He didn't know it,

but, you know, sometimes when
I don't have my toothbrush,

I use his toothbrush.

- What did you say?

- I find you to be
the most hygienically sound.

- What do you mean?

Like, he got
the cleanest mouth?

- Yeah, he's got
a super clean mouth.

Look at him. He's like
a little, round bar of soap.

- That is so weird, Dad.

- You know what
I'm talking 'bout?

- I'm gonna change the subject.

Hey, Chief, I have a question.
- Yeah, go, you in the front.

- Will we be getting raises
this year?

- Will we be getting racist
this year?

Young lady,
you're new to this department,

but that's bullshit.

- No, no, no.
Raises this year.

- Braces?
Andy could use some braces,

if you know what
I'm talking about.

- Whoa!
- That's rude.

- Chief, c'mon,
you gotta lay off with that.

- What is happening?

- Raises!
An increase in salary.

- Oh, raises.

I'll tell you what, if I were
Andy and I was getting a raise,

I'd use the money
to straighten my teeth out.

- Okay, okay. C'mon, c'mon.

- You know what I'm saying?
No offense.

- Is this a roast?
- Chief.

- And you, stop putting lemon
in your hair, Ike.

- What? I'm not putting--
I don't put lemon in my hair.

- It makes your hair
a weird color, bro.

- Chief, you need some water.

- Just man to man,
I'm telling you.

- Don't use a straw.

The suction can cause
dry socket.

- Ooh, dry socket.
I don't even know what that is.

- What's dry socket?

- It's when suction pops
a blood clot inside the wound.

- You know what this room
could use? An owl box.

- C'mon. C'mon, dude. C'mon.

- An owl box, just an owl box.
Do you have an owl box?

- How did I not just film
all of that?

- Mm.
- Hoo.

- Oh, he's back.

This is great, man.

We should have
a Chili Cook-off, right?

- That's a good idea.

- Should we?
- Yeah.

- Here's one thing, though.
See that blanks space?

What happened
to all your champion-shipses?

- I added a base plate to put
more names for more winners.

- Yeah, but all the blank space

makes it look like
he's never won anything before.

Right? Huh? I'm gonna go have
some pudding out of this, okay?

- Go for it.
- I'll see you later.

- Okay, take her easy.

- I'll see you guys later.
What's up, cup?

- All right.

- You guys,
we could still do this.

Chief's gonna be back
to his old self soon.

- Is he even gonna be able
to chew, though?

- Yeah, he'll be fine
in a couple hours.

We should definitely
do the Chili Cook-off.

- We?
- Yeah, we.

If Jordan could unretire,
then so can I.

And I'm gonna join this year's
Cook-off.

And I'm gonna kick
all y'all's asses.

- So this is a recipe
from my Hawaiian ancestors,

and Chief says
he already loves it.

So I'm excited.

- But here is the big story.
Coming out of retirement,

seven-time champion
Captain Eddie Penisi.

- That's right,
seven time champion. Seven.

- What's it feel like
to be back?

- It's like putting on
an old slipper. Whoo!

- Hey, Lucy.

If you're gonna do a show,
introduce the star.

Come down here.
- Oh, come on.

- My apologies. Granny, tell us
what's going down here.

- Well, as two-time
defending champ,

I'm getting a little creative,

so I will be making a chili
with a zesty cheese base.

That sounds like a queso.

A chili can be a lot of things,
but it's definitely not yellow.

- All right.
Ike, what's in your chili?

- Uh, it's a mystery. So.

- Ooh,
he's playing it coy, folks.

- No, no, it's actually
a mystery to me.

I have no idea 'cause I don't
have my uncle's recipe.

I lost it, so I don't know
what to do with--

- Ike, you should use
the memory word-train.

- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Just give me one second.

Recipe, recipe book,
book, book smart,

smartass, asshole,
whole onion.

Whole onion.
That's it.

I got tons of whole onions.

- All right, Rachael Ray,
your turn.

- Okay.

I have a recipe and I have
a special ingredient in it

that is going to blow
the tits off this place.

And it's vegetarian.

- Vegetarian as in turkey meat?

- No. It's a plant-based beef
substitute called

Implausible Meat.

- Do you know who the judge is?

- We call him Chief because
he likes chicken and beef.

- Well, over the past
few months, I've been mixing

Implausible Meat
into his burgers and meatloaf.

I've reconditioned his palate
and he has no idea.

- That's implausible.

- Clever girl.

- Son of a bitch.

- That's cheating.

- It's the long game, Granny.

- Whatever. You chilennials
can have your fake meat

and your pineapple
and your queso.

I just stick to a good,
old-fashioned chili.

Keep It Simple Stew-pid.

- I think I know
what my Dad likes.

- Well, I've known your Dad

since his cholesterol was
under 300.

- You knew him in the womb?

Hey, Chief,
we were just talking about you.

- Your ears must be burning.

Why's everybody
standing around?

It doesn't take all day
to bake chili.

- Oh. I think his anesthesia
wore off.

- What's that?
Fruit in your chili?

- Yeah.
- Hot fruit's disgusting.

- But I thought you said you
were gonna like this, Chief.

I'm calling it Beaña Colada.

- I never said that.

Fruit should be eaten
at room temperature

and only when
your wife tells you to.

- Hey, Chief,

remember coming back
from the dentist this morning?

- I remember everything.
You guys are lucky

nobody video'd me
because it would be trouble.

There's nothing worse
than those stupid videos

with those pathetic idiots
coming home from the dentist.

- They do get a lot of boings.
- It's an invasion of privacy!

Ow.

The pain in my mouth
is getting exponentially worse.

And I'm hungry.
So we're gonna do

this chili contest
in exactly one half hour.

- Hey, is your dad
taking his medication?

- They gave him pain pills
but he won't take 'em.

- Why not?
- He says he doesn't need them.

- Ugh.
Why do old, white men do that?

- Don't look at me.
I love medication.

And I'm not old.

- C'mon, dude, you don't have
to suffer through this.

Lucy brought your medication.

You should take it.
Here. Yeah.

- I don't need pain meds.

I'm a McConky.
McConkys can handle pain.

- You had oral surgery, man.
- So what?

My wife gave birth
without drugs.

I think I'm man enough
to handle a little toothache.

Dismissed!

- 20 minutes!

- Done.
With eight minutes to spare.

- Figures.
Old people love to eat early.

That's cute, Granny.

I remember my
second championship.

- And I'm on my way
to my third.

- Hmm.
Well, if you do it,

don't forget to thank
the dairy farmers. What?

- There's seven minutes
left here,

and everyone
is up against the clock

except Granny and Cap

seem to be more interested
in slinging zings than chili.

- Lucy, stop messing around!

Live in the moment,
for God's sake.

- Okay.

- Why do I still
smell pineapple?

- What?

- What am I supposed to do?

I already took all the
pineapple chunks out of there.

- That looks more
like sloppy joes.

- This is my Uncle Joe's
recipe.

How did you even know
we call him Sloppy?

- You made sloppy joes
instead of chili.

- Oh, no.

Sloppy joe, Uncle Joe,
Joe, Joe, Joe Biden.

biding my time, time's up.
I'm fucked.

30 seconds!
I need water.

- But--Chief!

Chief, no!

- He popped the clot!
Dry socket!

- Oh, my God!

No, no, no, no!

- What the hell are you doing?

- I'm totally springing
right now.

I'm getting so many re-bounces.

I could be an influencer!

- This Cook-off is cancelled!

- I like him better
with his wisdom teeth.

I'm actually happy
that the cook-off is over

'cause now I can put some
pineapple back into my chili

and have a great dinner.

- I can't believe we did
all this work for nothing.

- The dry socket tirade

did get me
a shitload more followers.

Implausible Meat
even started following me.

- See?

- If only there was a way we
could get him to take his meds.

Then he'd be able
to judge again.

- And I could get
so many more followers.

- The man won't use
medicated lip balm.

There's no chance he's taking
those meds on his own.

- Hey, Dad.
Here's some chocolate milk.

It'll make you feel better.

- Hey, Chief,
brought your favorite pudding.

Thank you.

- All right, eat it.

- You put it in my mouth?
- No.

You're supposed to rub it
on your body.

Ah!

I don't let my wife
touch my neck.

- What neck?
You're like a snowman.

- Mm, that's a good chowder.

- May I?
- Hey, take it easy.

- No, no, it's good.
This will add flavor.

- I'm on statins.

I can't eat peanut brittle.

- Oh, 'cause you--you don't
wanna hurt your teeth.

- Peanut brittle!
It's peanut brittle!

- I know.
Sorry.

Idiot!

- Don't judge me.

- Ah.
- Hey, what's up, dude?

- What's in the oven?
Thought the contest was over.

- So did I.
Then I saw you stirring.

- Well, you never know.

Maybe the Chief
will suddenly feel better.

- Mm.
That's what I thought.

And as you know,

any good firefighter always
stays prepared.

- Oh, yeah.
Who's making steak?

- You son of a bitch.
You're pivoting.

What's up, guys?
- Hey, Chief.

Okay.
- Hey.

I'm coming over here.
What's up Ike-oroni?

- I'm pretty good.
- The San Francisco treat.

- Oops.
We good.

- Whoo-hoo!
Oh, man, I feel good.

- You look good.

- My neck smells fantastic.
Smell it.

- Huh?
- You wanna smell it?

- Oh, yeah.
- What's it smell like?

- Smells like flowers.

- Piña colada, piña colada.
- Yeah, piña colada.

- Piña Colada, right?
- Yeah.

So I'm feeling really good.

And I'm thinking
the contest is back on.

- Oh!
- Sweet.

- You know what? I liked
my milk and my pudding so much,

I think you should
blend the chilis. Right?

- What do you mean?
Like in a blender?

- Yeah, man.
That would be dope.

Don't you think?
I mean, do you wanna chew?

- No, sir. I mean--
- Do you wanna chew?

- Don't have to chew.
- Who wants to chew?

You wanna chew?
- No, it hurts my teeth.

- It's too much exercise.
Let's cut the middleman, right?

- Okay, yeah.
Who needs a middleman?

- Liquefy the bitch.

C'mon, 15 minutes.

Whoa!
What's up, man?

What's up?
Vertical leap!

Huh?

What are we waiting for?

- You, your honor.
- Oh. Let's begin.

- Andy Myawani's, sir, and I'm
presenting to you Beaña Colada.

- That's funny.
- Enjoy.

- Beaña Colada.

Mm.

Seems like someone was trying
to hide the taste of pineapple.

And we all know hot fruit
is not dope.

- My submission is
Mission Implausible.

- I don't understand it,
but okay.

Mm--oh, my God,
this is disgusting.

Is this that
Implausible Meat shit

that you give me at home?
- You knew about that?

- Yeah. This stuff sucks.
- Ha!

- Tastes like a house plant
took a shit.

Implausibly sucky.

Last place!

What's this one all about?

Sloppy Joe's chili.
- Oh, you'll like it.

- Pretty good.

If it was a sloppy joe contest,
but it's not.

- No, I guess not.
- Disqualified.

- Thanks for trying it.

- Hey, Chiefy.

My entry:
Keep It Simple Stew-pid.

- All right.

Oh, first of all, you spelled
stupid wrong, stupid.

Steak.
- Mm-hmm.

- Medium rare.

- Just the way you
like it, Chief.

- Potatoes.
This is delicious, Captain.

- Wait.
Liquefied steak and potatoes?

Are you kidding me?

- Yeah.
Well, sometimes

you gotta change
your recipe-nizi on the fly.

- Hey, look at that.
Appetizers. Cheese All That.

Oh, yeah, man,
that's pretty good.

- Dad, be careful.
- Chief. Chief.

- It doesn't matter.
Can't feel a thing.

- No!
- These chips are pointy.

- No!
- Oh, gosh.

- Chief.
- C'mon, Chief.

- Oh, this is gold.

- You guys want some?
all: No.

- Okay, listen up.

I am prepared
to announce the winner.

And the winner...

of the contest...

is...

- Dad.
Dad, wake up.

- Hey, there he is.

- The winner is...

Beaña Colada.

- What?
- You hate hot fruit.

- C'mon.
- Want one?

- No, thanks.
Here you go, little buddy.

- Oh, thank you so much.
Thank you, Chief, so much.

Thank you, Chief.
Wow.

- Breathe in, man.
- Wow.

Here we are, the champ.

And it started at
a little island in Hawaii.

My ancestors went across--

- What the hell
are you guys doing?

- What?
What are we doing?

- This is how you treat
your friend?

Your father? Your chief?
- Oh, man.

- And Lucy, you live-streamed
him like this out to the world?

- But it's so hard to go viral.

- Vicky,
what are you doin' here?

- I saw you on the internet.
You're a meme.

- What's that supposed to meme?

- Mom, please don't.

- Who's that guy?
He looks like an asshole.

- There he is.

- Look who's name
is on the chalice.

Andy Myawani. Whoo!

Beaña Colada. They even got
the enye in there.

- Congrats, Andy.

- Thank you.
- What the hell?

I can't get into
my Boi-oi-oing account.

- That's because
I shut it down.

- What?
- Oh, no-oi-oi-oi-oing.

- Yeah. When I saw the videos
you posted

without my permission,
I filed a complaint.

Your account has been
suspended indefinitely.

- No, no, no.
What about my new followers?

- They took 'em away.
- No. Dad.

- And I am banning
all employees

from using B-boi-oi-oing
in the workplace.

- I think that's
a little extreme.

- Pineapple chili.
What was I thinking?

Ugh.
No more pain meds.

- Hey, don't sweat it, Lucy.
Followers shmollowers.

What does social media
really get you?

- Yeah, it's not like
somebody's in their office

right now saying, "Hey, get
that Lucy McConky on the line.

We need to give her
a million dollars."

- Yeah, I guess so.

- Oh, my God.
This stuff sucks.

Implausible Meat?
Ugh.

Tastes like a house plant
took a shit.

- Okay, that's rude.

- I really thought Lucy McConky
would be the new face

of Implausible Meat,
but I guess not.

- She doesn't even have
a Boi-oi-oing account any more.

- Oh, what a loser.

Reach out to that firefighter
in Pittsburgh.

The one who made Implausible
Mince Meat Pie for her station.

She will be, like, so dope.
- Good idea, Becky.

Oh, and she has a cat
named Penguin.

Our demo's gonna go insane.

- Oh, my God. I would've
never thought of that.

- I know.
So innovative.

- Too bad, Lucy McConky.

You will never know
how close you came.

Buh-bye.