Original subtitles

Wow, you're really serious about this!

Well, I'm not saying we should.

No, that's... That's not what I'm serious about.

- How would we...? - But what I am... Sorry.

No, no, you...

No, well, I am serious about wanting to fix this.

About wanting us to... to fix this.

And by fix, you mean deliberately cheating on each other?

OK, think of it like this.

When a car breaks down, you don't just...

You check under the bonnet and have a root around,

try to find the source of the...

And then you set about fixing that specific problem.

You don't just go out and buy a new car.

Yeah, I've got to say, it's a pretty shoddy analogy, Joy.

Not necessarily.

Cos... cos what you're talking about it's not... It's more...

What you're talking about is hitch-hiking.

- Or... - It's leaving the car,

our car, our beautiful old car,

- on the side of the road... - I never said...

...and thumbing a lift and, ideally, all things being equal,

getting your rocks off with whoever happens to be behind the wheel.

I think we ought to be buoyed by the fact that we've been able to

get to the bottom of what's gone wrong!

Every cloud.

But, no, do you know how many people

would've torn each other's throats out by now?

Yeah, well, if you're playing that game, have you any idea how

many people would be appalled at the prospect of what you're proposing?

Uh! I'm not denying that.

But you know what? Part of me thinks, well, more fool them

because we have a great marriage.

- At least, I think we do. - Yeah, no.

Yeah, but we... we've worked at it.

But it's hard.

I need to be really clear, I don't... I'm not saying we should do this.

I'm not advocating it, or anything close to that.

But I will say this, I don't feel threatened or

scared at... at the prospect of trying.

Of seeing where it goes.

Or where it might take us, where we might end up.

No, I, I think, I think I know what you mean.

Cos, you know, sometimes, when we're trying, when we're about to...

Get down and dirty?

Yeah, it's as if...

...sometimes I can feel myself having to try.

Erm, it's as if I'm outside of myself, watching.

Watching myself trying to want to want you.

You know?

We've been together a really long time.

And, you know, we might be feeling differently.

And that's... That's OK.

It's the difference between a snack and a meal.

Maybe.

Well, maybe, then, we should, erm,

we should allow ourselves the right to snack.

Or to try, just this once.

Because we know we've always got a full meal at home.

Oh, sorry, that sounded a lot more sordid than I...

It did, but that's OK, full marks for effort.

Would you mind zipping me up?

- Listen... - You look really beautiful.

You don't look too shabby yourself.

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

- Is that...? - Yeah, I think that's...

- I think that's gone off. - Oh, fuck!

So we're off, heading, heading out.

I'm actually in the middle of making a large charitable donation

to support endangered rainforests.

- Where are you going? - Out.

Oh, out, wow, shit, out, OK.

Specifically?

- Dinner. - Cinema.

- Probably. - Dinner.

- Then the... Maybe. - After...

- Mm-hm. - Depends what's, er...

You two having some kind of mutual stroke?

Right, let's do this, you have my attention.

- Mum and Dad - are going out.

- OK. - Yeah, we're just saying goodbye.

- So, er... Goodbye. - So... Bye.

Do you have any chewing gum?

Er... can you...?

- Got it? - Yup.

Thanks.

♪ My friends ♪

♪ Feel it's their appointed duty ♪

♪ They keep trying to tell me ♪

♪ All you want to do is use me ♪

♪ But my answer, ah, ah ♪

♪ Yeah, to all that use me stuff ♪

♪ I, I, I, I want to spread the news ♪

♪ That if it feels this good getting used ♪

♪ Oh, you got to keep on using me ♪

♪ Until you use me up. ♪

SHE COUGHS

So, do you think you'll want me to pick you up?

Er, no, no, don't think so.

Thanks, though.

We're OK, aren't we?

Yeah, yeah, I think so.

- I love you. - I love...

- Bye. Bye. - Bye.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Oh! - Let's try that again.

Oh, shit, one second, sorry.

Hello, Marvin, I'm Joy, how are you?

Good, thanks.

Thank you.

These are the basic top ten, I reckon. I mean, if we're...

...if we're not into any of these, then, er, we could go out or...

Argh, fuck!

Fuck, I'm sorry.

No, it's OK.

Ah, I think I can, I think I can taste blood.

- Shit, really? - Are you, are you...? I'm so sorry.

I think we're all good.

What?

The truth is, it's nothing like it is on TV.

Most missing persons investigations involve teenagers,

often in care, often the victims of abuse, sometimes very,

very severe abuse, running away.

And it's usually the same kids running away, over and over again.

It's also, in truth, so much of the job is now paperwork.

Well, computers.

It's changed so much since I started out.

Even the CPS use call centres now.

Everything's more or less handled remotely.

Would it help if I hummed the Countdown theme?

THEY MOAN

Our Bodies by She Keeps Bees

Where should I, um...?

I, I usually just lob them out the window.

What?

It's too easy with you! The bin is fine, also.

Yeah, yeah, course it is.

I got it. I got it.

Pizza?

The thing is, what most people don't know about Tasers

is that in reality...

GASPING

The thing is, what most people don't know about Tasers

is that in reality...

I'm sorry.

I'm nervous.

I trimmed my pubic hair using a bypass pruner.

- What?! - Antonia's taken all the stationery.

I'm worried I took too much off.

Oh, God! I'm thinking now I haven't taken off enough.

I'm not one of those men.

Good, cos I am not one of those women!

Marvin, this is a lovely place.

I'm not knocking it. Thank you for booking us a table.

- You're welcome. - But, erm,

if there's somewhere else you'd rather be or something else

you'd rather be doing, then, erm, why don't we?

Thank you.

Hi. Hi.

How did it...? How...? How are you?

Good.

Thanks. You?

How was...? I mean, did you have...? How was it?

THEY MOAN

Good. You know.

Fine.

How was...?

SHE MOANS

God, yes, yes, yes!

Same, I think.

Good. Fun.

Would you...

...like to...

I mean, do you think we ought to talk about what we did or...?

Oh, I, yeah, I hadn't... But that's, yeah, that's...

- We don't have to. - No secrets is good.

Cool.

OK.

Well...

Erm, OK, we, erm, well, we had dinner.

I think we were both a bit nervous.

He, er, he ordered steak.

I had salmon with broccoli on the side.

It had almonds on it, was quite nice, actually.

And he had this beer, he was drinking a beer,

a particular kind of beer, we had a little talk about that.

Maybe, yeah, maybe it's worth trying to focus on the actual...

- The sex bit. - Oh, OK. You mean, like...

I don't know, but, yeah, yeah, I wonder if focusing on the...

Rather than going over...

Yeah, just get right down to it.

I don't know, maybe...

No, makes sense. The sex bit.

OK.

Well...

We went back to his house.

He lives alone. He's divorced.

Erm, we, erm, took off our...

We undressed.

In front of each other. Watching.

Each other.

Slowly.

Watching, bit by bit.

Slow, slowly, slow.

And then he started kissing me here.

And then he kissed me here.

And then he kissed me on the, erm...

And then we, erm, lay down.

Then...

HE MOANS

DOORBELL RINGS

Sh-sh-sh!

DOORBELL RINGS

Grim.

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! - We didn't really...

- No, she just kept saying... - "Mum, I want to see them."

And then we were saying...

But we were in the taxi and she wouldn't...

It's all right, don't worry, don't worry.

Nathaniel announced his engagement.

Posted a thing on... Of the ring. Sophie Kaskell.

She's the one who used to have that mole and then she got it removed?

- And Laura was like... - She was like...

- Distraught. - So then we were like...

But we had no idea. I mean, we probably knew she was like...

- ...maybe still full-on - in love with him...

- But we didn't realise... - Otherwise we would have never...

Don't worry, don't worry.

- No, you did the right thing. - But we would never...

Can we get you something to drink?

- Oh, no, thank you. - No, thanks, Mr Richards.

Hello. Sounds like you've had a bit of a shit one.

I'm sorry, love, I'm sorry.

We haven't even been broken up that long!

No, I know, I know.

How about some water?

Just have a little sip so we can... Yeah, yeah, here we go. That's it!

How's that?

He put a little pic...

Epic!

- Up we get. - Here we go.

Oh, dear. Let's go this way.

Yeah, round it, round it.

- Watch your feet. - Whoa, whoa!

All right, you're OK? Right, we've got you.

- Little bit, little bit. - I'm so sorry.

How's she doing?

Nathaniel is such a prick.

Yeah, he had the weirdest thumbs.

I might have to call it a night.

Toast?

Thank you.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about last night.

It...

It really made me, it made me really want you.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

And I, and I thought it might be weird.

You know? Coming home.

- But... - It was the opposite.

I couldn't wait to see you.

To talk to you.

Same.

LAURA GROANS

- She's alive! - Mm.

And then you were like, "Oh, my God, I love him so much!" And then

you puked, like there, and then like there, and like all up there.

Jesus!

And then Mum and Dad had to practically airlift you into the toilet.

Then you refused to move. It was, like, shit, it's the funniest thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you were like, "Ah, this is my home,

"this is where I feel safest."

I'm so thrilled my genuine despair brings you such unadulterated glee.

Fuckers!

And on that note...

...I hope you feel better, love.

I'm so sorry, Dad.

No, no, no, don't be silly.

- Go steady, right? Bye. - Bye.

- Bye. - Ciao.

- Mr Richards. - Morning.

The Kit-Kat's got stuck.

Said the neurosurgeon to the grieving widow.

Yeah, so it's called an Introduction To Screen Printing.

It's one of those, you know,

"one night a week for six weeks" malarkeys.

Anyway, last night was number two. so...

Well, that sounds cool.

How about you guys?

Erm...

I... I had dinner with a friend, actually.

Yeah? Anywhere nice?

Takeaway.

Her place.

- How was that? - Fantastic.

- You had a good time? - I had a great time.

- How about you, Claire? - Mm?

How was, er, how was your weekend?

Mm. Similar. Yeah.

Erm, friend. Food.

Mm-hm, and from your... from your point of view,

how was... how was that?

Do you know what, Alan? I had a whale of a time.

Well, that's good.

It is good.

It's good that everyone's feeling good about last night.

Isn't it?

Final finger, anyone?

- Oh, no. - Sure?

Oh, please.

Right, look, we need to go over some basic shit first.

Yeah, if you go up to her now, all like...

It's going to be like you're basically stalking her.

- What? - Have you sent her a Friend Request?

No, but I don't... I don't get it, she's just sat over there,

why can't I just go over?

You're like one of them monkeys

they send up into space to see how it blows up.

What are you going to do if she says no?

Yeah, and the thing is, if you send her a Friend Request

after she's said no to the weird talk thing...

Then it's like stalker times ten.

Look, we're not saying you shouldn't ask her to...

Oh, no, just maybe the best way to get her to say yes is to be like...

- Friend Request. - Message, message, message.

You know, you can just casually be like...

Oh, hey, by the way...

There's this weird talk thing happening,

and now we have like this whole shared history.

And without any, like, stalkery weirdness, you'd be like...

Let's hang out.

I didn't want to have to bring this up, but the other thing is,

my brother says she's fucked half the guys at her old school.

- What?! - There is no way that can be true!

And, yeah, even if she had slept with half the guys at her old school,

that means she would've had to have had sex, like, once a day, for, like...

OK, A, he wasn't, like, necessarily being completely literal.

And B, the numbers could totally add up.

What, what do you think?

I think you should do whatever you want.

Or you could sort of like tell me.

Hey.

Hello.

Do you like Zadie Smith?

- Yeah. - She's doing this talk.

There's this talk that she's doing. It's sold out.

But I'm on the waiting list.

And there is this option for one or two tickets, so I chose two.

So how many did you get?

Yeah, no, I don't know yet.

So, I... Hopefully, I'll hear, like...

I mean, I could let you know once I know,

in case you're, you know... In case you want to, in case... OK.

So, what the fuck? What did she say?

She's Head Barista.

- Of the House of Commons? Wow! - Mm-hm.

She said it takes 42 coffee beans, right,

to make one cup of espresso.

But how did the two of you meet?

Tinder. Yeah, we'd been messaging a bit.

And, erm, I was nearby and I said,

"Hey, I'm in the vicinity, what's up?"

And she said, "Oh, I'm at work, come by, I'll show you round."

So, she does and, at the end,

where I was standing, outside the gift shop,

yeah, we are spitting distance from the disabled toilet,

and she leans in, like right in, proper close,

and she says, she whispers...

"I've always wanted to fuck someone in the disabled toilet."

And you said?

And is there a chance, do you think,

the two of you might see each other again, or...?

I'm going to say probably not. Not in a bad way.

I mean, if she wants to see me again, that'd be cool, but, erm...

You're quite relaxed about it either way?

Yeah.

Jason, I'd like to return to something we spoke about last week.

Cos, in truth, I can't really stop thinking about it.

Yeah, the running shoes in the fridge?

I knew I shouldn't have told you about that.

What? No, I'm glad you did!

- Yeah? - Yeah, you should have.

And... it's just it's a startling image.

Yeah, I mean, I'd probably say more weird than startling, but...

- Really? - Mm, yeah,

cos I'm saying you should never let running shoes get cold.

- Is that right? - Mm.

All letting running shoes get cold is going to do, right,

it's going to stiffen the foam in the midsoles and the insoles.

And all that's going to do is fuck your feet up.

I'm saying eventually.

So, it's not something you and Alice used to do?

Alice?

No.

No, that would have been weird.

But I am right in my thinking, aren't I, that you and Alice,

- the two of you used to go running? - Yeah.

So what?

It was a dream. Shoes weren't anyone's.

I mean...

...like, yeah, I still got a bunch of her stuff, but...

- Alice's belongings? - Hm.

I hope I'm not making you uncomfortable, Jason?

I don't give a fuck.

Jason, I'm sorry if something I've said has upset you.

I'm not upset.

Look, I'm not, all right? I just...

Fuck, I don't understand why you're making such a big deal out of this.

I'm interested to know what you mean by "big deal".

- Look, you're grilling me! - It's not my intention.

Then move us the fuck on, and stop...

Jason, I suppose the reason I brought Alice up...

...is because I know how much she meant to you.

And I know how difficult it is for you to talk about her.

And I don't want our time together to be difficult.

Or upsetting.

But it's clear to me that she meant a great deal to you.

And I worry I wouldn't quite be doing my job

if I continued to allow us to avoid the subject of Alice altogether.

- Can I ask you something? - I have a feeling you're going to.

You've had sex, right?

Is that your question?

I mean, sort of, but... And, I mean, this is probably going to sound,

like... But I was wondering, given my lack of experience,

and your actual, actually having some experience, I was wondering

if maybe we could, sort of, maybe anyway, sort of like practise?

Practise?

Yeah.

Practise what?

Like kissing? Fingering, I was thinking, maybe, too?

Oral...

Holy shit, you're really serious!

- Is this weird? - It is pretty weird, Tom, yeah.

I definitely don't want you to feel weird.

It's just, you know, I've been thinking if these,

if these tickets to the talk, if they actually do come through.

And even if it's not completely true,

the thing about Jennifer having fucked, like...

I get it. I get it.

I guess I just thought, it's not like we...

I mean, we spend so much time together, it's sort of like we're related.

And I guess I just figured that it would be less weird than me sort of...

I want you to imagine asking someone you're related to if you

could finger them, and tell me that's not weird.

Yeah, yeah, you know what? We'll just...

Just... let me think about it, OK?

Imagine eating at the same restaurant most of your life,

you know, the same menu, the same three or four things,

the same table, same tablecloth.

Same music, same lights.

And then, one day, somebody tells you about another restaurant.

With a bigger menu.

Different music playing, different drinks.

And going to this other restaurant,

it doesn't mean you have to stop going to the restaurant

you've been going to all your life.

It just means now you can do both.

And the... the food you'd grown sick of eating,

I mean, it's the same food but now somehow it tastes different.

I mean, not better, but not worse, it really is, it's just different.

It was reinvigorating, then?

Spending that time, a little time apart,

with someone else and then coming back home, coming back together?

Yeah, it was like, it was like the opposite of jealousy.

- OK. - I don't know, it felt a bit like

falling in love all over again.

So, it was quite an intense...?

Yeah, but good intense.

Good intense.

Well, we like the sound of that.

Yeah.

So, what's next?

I don't know. Erm, I'd like to try again.

I think we both would.

I'm sensing a "but".

I don't know whether or not we ought to be worried about the kids.

In what sense?

I just don't want them to think there's something wrong.

What makes you think they'll think something's wrong?

Well, their mum and dad are having sex with other people.

But you're also, for the first time in a long time,

very nearly having sex with each other, no?

Unless I've misunderstood.

No, that's... Which is why, I think, you know, generally speaking,

I'm inclined to think we ought to...

Keep going.

Joy, I'm struck by the fact that you seem to be

almost searching for reasons why this can't work for you.

Searching for disapproval.

And yet, here we are.

Excited.

Reinvigorated.

It seems to me your situation is much improved.

So how about, instead of expending all this energy on what this

person might think, or that person might think,

how about, instead, we really drill down on what it is you want?

Not what do you think you should do or ought to do, but what you,

Joy, would like to do.

CAR HORN BLARES

All Eyes On You by Alice Boman

So you think we should tell them both? Claire and Marvin?

Well, I think, if this is something we're serious about doing,

then I think, yeah, it's only fair they know the truth.

What do you think?

What, about being serious about doing this, or about telling them?

Both.

I am serious.

And I think we ought to tell them.

I agree.

- You do? - I do.

You're sure?

I'm sure.

Cos now's the moment to say

if you're at all unsure about being sure.

No, I'm... I'm sure about being sure.

In which case, then, I think we should definitely tell them.

Tell me, tell me truthfully, are we abnormal?

I think that's certainly a possibility.

I mean, I met one guy and he said, he explained it to me,

he said, if he can set up two, three, four dates a week,

which he can, because that's how easy it is now, he said,

by Christmas he'll have potentially slept with over 100 women.

Well, fuck that guy! His maths is shit.

Dark times.

Maybe it's worth thinking about taking a break

from it all if it's getting you down.

Or, you know, you could try the old-fashioned way,

- starting up a conversation. - God, Dad!

No, I'm serious, you know, you see someone you like the look of

- in a bar or... - Dad!

The kind of people that hang around bars waiting for women

to speak to them

are either actual convicted sex offenders or serial killers.

And that's... that's best-case scenario.

I read about this thing, this study, that was in, like,

the supermarket, where they set up, like, these stalls, like, these

tasting things, where they had like 28 different jams or something,

and they set up this other stall where they had like five sets of jam.

And they found that the people that had had like a shit-tonne of

jam didn't actually want to buy any jam.

But then the people who had only had a small amount of jam from the stall

with only a few samples, they were actually up for buying some jam.

- What even are you? - No, it's true.

It's, like, look at you two.

You didn't need to meet, like, 100 people, you met each other,

you made your choice, you stuck to it.

- Well, we've... - Well...

Anyway, I'm supposed to be meeting this carpenter guy. We kept

cancelling on each other, so I feel like I probably ought to...

What things does he make? Carpenter guy.

Er, stools.

I think.

Or, no, coffee tables. Or it might be just...

Or it might be just normal tables, I can't remember.

- Hm! Sounds hot. - Mm!

THEY LAUGH

- Thank you very much. - You are very welcome.

- I've had a really nice... - Listen, Marvin.

- Please. - What?

There's something I need to... And before I do,

I... I... I think it's best you know.

I've...

I'm really glad we...

I mean, it's been great.

I've had a really great, er... But, as you know, I'm married.

Surprise!

Erm, but, how do I put this?

The, the good news is my husband and I, Alan, we've come to, er,

an arrangement.

Um, an agreement.

Which...

...we'd love you to...

...for you to consider.

Erm, well, he knows that we've been seeing each other.

He knows we beat each other off in my consulting room.

He knows we ate falafel together.

He knows we went down on each other.

And he's OK with it. We both are.

Because, sorry, I should've... He, he's seeing someone else, as well.

We're both seeing other people.

Yeah, it's something we're trying... doing.

It's something we've agreed to try to do.

Oh, my God! OK, wow! Mm, shit!

So, yeah, she knows we...

Well, well, she, she, she knows about everything.

Oh, God!

It's something that we, well, we decided we thought we'd try.

And we're really only talking about in the last week and a half or so.

And so I think what we're proposing, and I really hope,

if you'd like to, that is, because we would very much,

I certainly hope so, anyway, erm, would be if we could continue.

But with everyone, erm, with everyone on the same page.

You know, to be honest. Honestly.

So, like swingers, swinging, like wife-swapping, that kind of thing?

Just... just sex.

So no relationship?

Just... No, that's, yeah, that's right.

So just sex?

Hm.

Marvin, please say something.

You know Antonia cheated on me.

No, I know, that's why...

You asked me to say something.

Antonia had been seeing a mutual friend of ours for about 18 months.

By the time she told me,

that's about how long it had been going on for.

But that wasn't the worst part.

The worst part was that everyone knew.

Friends, family.

And in all that time, not one of them felt like telling me the truth.

Do you think this is honest? You think what you're doing...

You think that you can do it honestly?

Well, I'm telling you there isn't a single fucking honest thing about it.

I mean, you're supposed to be a therapist, for Christ's sake!

Marvin, Marvin, please don't go.

I understand you're angry, but...

No, no, I'm not, actually, that's... that's not what this is.

I'm not angry, Joy, I'm disappointed.

Marvin, you knew I was married. You knew that.

It's greed, all this... That's all this is.

I, er, I think I'm going to have to take, erm...

It's a lot to, er, you know?

So, er, mm, mm, mm, yeah, let me, er, think about it.

_

_

_

HE CHUCKLES

Yeah, I'm good, how are you?

And so you make just coffee tables?

- Mm-hm. - Just coffee tables?

- Yep. - So, just so I've got this,

the only thing you make is coffee tables?

I'm a big believer in doing one thing,

and doing it to the absolute best of your ability.

At work, at home, in the bedroom.

Laura, listen, can I level with you for a second?

I guess, if you have to, but for future reference...

I'm not really on the lookout for anything that serious right now.

Mm, then, er, why does your profile say...

But I don't think that we should let that stop us

from making the most of tonight, right?

Oh, God!

I'd love the opportunity to show you a good time tonight, Laura.

You've seen my work, so you know I'm good with my hands.

Jesus Christ!

TOILET FLUSHES

Er, I think maybe you've taken a wrong turn.

Excuse me? You're not allowed to be in here.

Well, it's unisex.

In which case, go nuts.

- You all right? - What are you doing?

I just heard you scream, I'm just checking you're all right.

Well, obviously, I'm not, but I'm not really in the habit of

regaling strange men in toilets with my problems.

What if I told you I'm not that strange?

Huh! You know who says things like that?

Strange people.

I'm Jason.

I literally just you saw come out that toilet,

no way am I shaking that hand.

Shit, yeah, sorry!

So, seriously, what's up?

It's the strangest thing

cos we probably ain't seen each other for, what? Two? Three?

- Oh, at least! - And, sorry, you know each other how?

- School. - Primary.

Mm, yep. Primary, baby.

Yeah, those were the days!

You don't mind if, erm, if Jason joins us for a bit?

♪ They said that it was snowing in astounded tones ♪

♪ Upon the news ♪

♪ I wonder why they're always so surprised ♪

♪ Cos every year it snows ♪

_

♪ Frozen images of snowploughs ♪

♪ As they churn along the motorways ♪

♪ I haven't had no boots to wear ♪

♪ Or any loot to spare ♪

♪ For days and days ♪

♪ I've travelled more than 40 miles today ♪

♪ I must have grown some wings. ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

♪ If you bring us up You let us down ♪

♪ If you bring us up You let us down ♪

♪ If you bring us up You let us down ♪

♪ If you bring us up You let us down ♪

♪ If you bring us up You let us down ♪

♪ If you bring us up You let us down ♪

♪ If you bring us up You let us down ♪

♪ If you bring us up You let us down ♪

♪ If you bring us up You let us down ♪

♪ If you bring us up You let us down ♪

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INAUDIBLE

INAUDIBLE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

♪ Uh, look

♪ Uh, no, I don't believe him

♪ Uh, but know that I've been grieving

♪ Know that I've been holding out

♪ Hoping to receive him

♪ I've been holding out for G but he was nowhere to be seen

♪ When I was bleeding

♪ Cousin with the choking and the wheezing

♪ But still he dream of smoking potent in the evening

♪ This is only for the heathens

♪ Hold until the souls who need redeeming from the demons

♪ Still ain't folded when it's freezing

♪ There ain't no-one to believe in

♪ I'm on that man's side