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This programme contains some scenes
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which some viewers may find upsetting,
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some scenes of a sexual nature
and strong language.
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What about...?
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- Yeah.
- Yeah?
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- Yeah.
- OK.
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Excuse me, is this chair free?
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- Yeah.
- Thank you.
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HE CLEARS THROAT
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HE CLEARS THROAT MORE FORCEFULLY
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Here.
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Oh.
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- Hi.
- Hi.
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- Hi.
- Hi.
15
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Marc, this is Claire. Claire, Marc.
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- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
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With a C Like Marc... Jacobs?
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Yep, yep, I'm almost exactly
the same as Marc Jacobs.
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- Ah.
- Marc, Alan.
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Hello, Marc, I'm Alan.
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- Alan, Marc. Marc, Alan.
- Hi, how you doing?
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- Hello, Claire.
- Yeah. Joy!
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Mwa! Mwa!
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- How you doing, how's it all...?
- Yeah, very well thank you. You?
25
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Er, busy. Er, I mean... Yeah.
26
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- Alan mentioned, mentioned, Roland...
- Oh, yeah, right. He's sick.
27
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Oh, sorry.
28
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,919
Got the shits again, so...
29
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,839
It's Claire's... Claire's cat.
30
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Roland as in Grange Hill?
I don't know if you ever...?
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You mean Roland AKA Gutsy AKA
real name Erkan Mustafa? Legend.
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Big fan.
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Come on.
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Thanking you.
35
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Wow. It's a cool place.
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- Yeah, I know.
- First time?
37
00:02:42,142 --> 00:02:44,184
First time for everything, mate.
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Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com
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POUNDING DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
40
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I was sorry to hear about
your engagement.
41
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Oh, yeah.
42
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That's OK.
43
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He used to put his finger in my mouth.
44
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Adam. When I yawned.
45
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I don't quite understand,
46
00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:13,959
why would someone want to do that
to your mouth?
47
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Because he was an idiot of
the highest order.
48
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,319
THEY LAUGH
49
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:25,280
He wanted kids, but I've never
really seen the point in... kids.
50
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:33,279
I was so afraid the first time
I was pregnant.
51
00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:34,879
I was so sick and tired.
52
00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:38,359
And I didn't really know what I was
supposed to be doing.
53
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:40,999
I think it took me a while to get
my head around the idea
54
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that all of a sudden I was going to
have to love someone I've never met.
55
00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:47,400
But then, I don't know...
56
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She had this stuff between her
fingers. I was picking it out.
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- They were beautiful.
- Aw.
58
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:10,040
So, Joy tells me that you two
are pretty serious.
59
00:04:11,947 --> 00:04:16,420
Yeah. Well, we've been married
quite a long time now.
60
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:21,999
Oh. Yeah, you mean...?
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The other you two.
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Yeah. Yeah, I suppose...
63
00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,519
I suppose we have...
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00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:35,519
ended up a little more serious
than anticipated.
65
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Hey, look, I think it's cool.
66
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:41,079
Which bit?
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The whole deal.
68
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:50,720
So, you're not finding this
incredibly strange?
69
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:54,760
Every problem contains the seeds
of its own solution.
70
00:04:55,282 --> 00:04:57,120
You know who said that?
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Erm...
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SLURPING
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Marc seems cool.
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00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:10,159
Ah, I think so.
Yeah, he works at the zoo.
75
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I don't know if Alan mentioned
or...? I mean, not as a zookeeper,
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00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:15,920
- as a first aider.
- Oh.
77
00:05:16,580 --> 00:05:17,780
The kiss of life?
78
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,759
When I was a kid,
we lived on a main road.
79
00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:28,929
- My mother was a fanatic lover of cats.
- Oh.
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00:05:28,930 --> 00:05:32,079
Problem was,
every time a cat got run over,
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the only thing that would
cheer her up was another cat.
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THEY CHUCKLE
83
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I buried I don't even know
84
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how many felines at
the bottom of that garden.
85
00:05:45,522 --> 00:05:47,359
I ran over a deer once.
86
00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,119
Oh, my God! Where?
87
00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:52,359
Well, mostly in the body,
but also a bit in the head as well.
88
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,280
No, er, where were you?
89
00:05:55,042 --> 00:05:58,639
Oh! On the Lower Luton Road.
90
00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:01,359
Ah. What did you do?
91
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:05,620
I put it in the boot of my car,
drove it to the vet's.
92
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,560
It fitted in the boot of your car?
93
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,280
It was a mini one.
94
00:06:13,264 --> 00:06:15,303
Holy shit! You ran over Bambi.
95
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SHE SPLUTTERS AND LAUGHS
96
00:06:17,104 --> 00:06:20,663
- Oh, I can't, I can't.
- Oh, you can, you can!
97
00:06:20,664 --> 00:06:23,223
You didn't tell me Marc has a daughter.
98
00:06:23,224 --> 00:06:25,543
- Er, that's because he doesn't.
- What?
99
00:06:25,544 --> 00:06:27,943
Alan, he's winding you up.
100
00:06:27,944 --> 00:06:30,343
- No, it's true.
- What?
101
00:06:30,344 --> 00:06:31,903
Later.
102
00:06:31,904 --> 00:06:35,780
To this blue world and
all her countless sisters.
103
00:06:37,024 --> 00:06:38,623
OK.
104
00:06:38,624 --> 00:06:39,823
Number one, no question.
105
00:06:39,824 --> 00:06:44,063
Penguins. Penguins are sexy as hell.
106
00:06:44,064 --> 00:06:46,863
Yeah, and then I'd say
any of the monkeys.
107
00:06:46,864 --> 00:06:50,463
And those African bullfrogs can be
pretty kinky when they want to be.
108
00:06:50,464 --> 00:06:53,703
I do not believe you've seen
penguins having sex!
109
00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:55,863
Oh, I can go one better than that,
110
00:06:55,864 --> 00:06:58,583
this one time I saw a whole bunch
of penguins having a threesome.
111
00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:03,264
Oh, my God, guys! Look, look, look,
look, look, look, look.
112
00:07:04,744 --> 00:07:06,183
Oh, n...
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00:07:06,184 --> 00:07:11,623
♪ Who... Come on!
..do you think you are? ♪
114
00:07:11,624 --> 00:07:14,143
♪ Do you think you are? ♪
115
00:07:14,144 --> 00:07:19,703
♪ Who... Some kind of superstar... ♪
116
00:07:19,704 --> 00:07:23,503
♪ All right, all right
everything's going to be all right ♪
117
00:07:23,504 --> 00:07:27,144
♪ All right, all right
it's really all right ♪
118
00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:31,100
♪ Everything's gonna be all right... ♪
119
00:07:38,384 --> 00:07:41,943
♪ Here comes the rain again ♪
120
00:07:41,944 --> 00:07:45,703
♪ Falling on my head like a memory ♪
121
00:07:45,704 --> 00:07:50,064
♪ Falling on my head like a new emotion ♪
122
00:07:53,784 --> 00:07:57,543
♪ I want to walk in the open wind ♪
123
00:07:57,544 --> 00:08:01,383
♪ I want to talk like lovers do ♪
124
00:08:01,384 --> 00:08:04,183
♪ I want to dive into your ocean ♪
125
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:07,103
♪ Is it raining with you? ♪
126
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♪ So, baby, talk to me ♪
127
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♪ Like lovers do ♪
128
00:08:15,904 --> 00:08:19,623
♪ Walk with me ♪
129
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♪ Like lovers do ♪
130
00:08:24,024 --> 00:08:27,583
♪ Talk to me ♪
131
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♪ Like lovers do... ♪
132
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TOILETS FLUSH
133
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WATER FLOWS
134
00:08:47,424 --> 00:08:48,984
SHE LAUGHS
135
00:08:50,824 --> 00:08:52,024
You...
136
00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:01,344
SHE EXHALES
137
00:09:21,304 --> 00:09:24,144
DOOR OPENS LAUGHTER
138
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STIFLED LAUGHTER
139
00:09:31,344 --> 00:09:32,663
KEYS CLATTER
140
00:09:32,664 --> 00:09:34,344
WHISPERED: Sorry!
141
00:09:41,784 --> 00:09:44,824
Shh, shh, shh! OK...
142
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,624
- Yes!
- HE LAUGHS
143
00:09:57,304 --> 00:09:59,824
BOTH LAUGH QUIETLY
144
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:46,424
SHE HUMS A TUNE SOFTLY
145
00:11:33,224 --> 00:11:35,344
TRAIN HORN SOUNDS
146
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PHONE RINGS
147
00:11:56,344 --> 00:11:57,903
Hello?
148
00:11:57,904 --> 00:12:00,183
Hi. It's-it's Jason?
149
00:12:00,184 --> 00:12:03,663
Yeah. No. Hi. This is Laura.
150
00:12:03,664 --> 00:12:05,343
So, listen, er... Where are you?
151
00:12:05,344 --> 00:12:07,823
Er... Platform one.
152
00:12:07,824 --> 00:12:09,301
OK, look, Laura,
153
00:12:09,326 --> 00:12:11,103
I spent the weekend thinking
about asking you out again.
154
00:12:11,104 --> 00:12:13,303
But then I didn't.
For some pretty obvious reasons.
155
00:12:13,304 --> 00:12:16,583
Yeah, the fact that
my mum used to be a...
156
00:12:16,584 --> 00:12:19,423
Yeah, that being the main...
Pretty much reason number one.
157
00:12:19,424 --> 00:12:20,703
Yeah, there is that.
158
00:12:20,704 --> 00:12:22,448
But I don't know, this
morning I just figured,
159
00:12:22,473 --> 00:12:23,783
what's the worst that could happen?
160
00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:26,497
Jason, I'm really sorry,
161
00:12:26,498 --> 00:12:28,980
but I'm not sure...
162
00:12:30,064 --> 00:12:31,743
I wish it was something I could just...
163
00:12:31,744 --> 00:12:34,343
No, listen, look, this was
either going to go one of two ways.
164
00:12:34,344 --> 00:12:35,823
But the thought of...
165
00:12:35,824 --> 00:12:40,100
No, listen, I really appreciate
your, er... candour.
166
00:12:42,584 --> 00:12:44,223
I'm really sorry.
167
00:12:44,224 --> 00:12:47,384
There's nothing to be sorry about.
I'll speak to you later. OK?
168
00:13:02,064 --> 00:13:04,984
PHONE VIBRATES
169
00:13:08,544 --> 00:13:13,383
Hi, I don't know
why I said what I just said.
170
00:13:13,384 --> 00:13:17,463
I want to see you again
and I think it's, you know,
171
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:20,583
it's her problem not ours,
and I don't really care.
172
00:13:20,584 --> 00:13:24,374
So, if you want to try
asking me out again,
173
00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:27,620
I think I'm probably ready now
with a better answer.
174
00:13:29,264 --> 00:13:31,864
ALARM CLOCK RINGS
175
00:13:48,384 --> 00:13:49,820
Shit.
176
00:13:50,384 --> 00:13:52,584
HE GROANS
177
00:13:56,984 --> 00:13:58,544
HE WINCES
178
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,160
_
179
00:14:13,584 --> 00:14:15,984
- So, how did it go?
- How did what go?
180
00:14:16,660 --> 00:14:19,144
The party. With Jennifer. Obviously.
181
00:14:19,617 --> 00:14:21,177
I don't know. It was like...
182
00:14:24,024 --> 00:14:25,423
I don't understand?
183
00:14:25,424 --> 00:14:26,663
What don't you understand?
184
00:14:26,664 --> 00:14:29,649
Well, you were just in the
middle of saying something
185
00:14:29,674 --> 00:14:31,584
and then you just sort of stopped.
186
00:14:32,060 --> 00:14:35,143
It was sort of like...
I don't know, it was fine.
187
00:14:35,144 --> 00:14:39,540
We like, we talked for a bit,
and then, I don't know.
188
00:14:40,264 --> 00:14:43,281
OK, well, well done for making this
189
00:14:43,306 --> 00:14:44,903
a shit-tonne weirder
than it needed to be.
190
00:14:44,904 --> 00:14:46,745
Well, I honestly, like, you know,
191
00:14:46,770 --> 00:14:48,783
I'm honestly not trying to be,
like, evasive, or whatever.
192
00:14:48,784 --> 00:14:50,903
Well, then it's easy,
stop being evasive and just tell me.
193
00:14:50,904 --> 00:14:52,903
Well, it's not like that much
actually even happened so...
194
00:14:52,904 --> 00:14:54,540
You do realise that...
195
00:14:57,664 --> 00:15:00,023
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I don't understand.
196
00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:03,023
How is this, like, how is me
not telling you stuff, like...
197
00:15:03,024 --> 00:15:06,362
You just... You asked me to
do a thing that most people,
198
00:15:06,387 --> 00:15:08,703
most people I'm pretty certain would...
199
00:15:08,704 --> 00:15:10,437
Well, she told me some stuff
that I'm pretty certain
200
00:15:10,462 --> 00:15:11,863
is predominantly private, so...
201
00:15:11,864 --> 00:15:13,347
Well, I'm not asking you about her.
I'm asking you about you.
202
00:15:13,348 --> 00:15:14,883
Then, fine! Then, like, what the fuck?
203
00:15:14,908 --> 00:15:16,294
Why're you like shouting
at me all of a sudden?
204
00:15:16,295 --> 00:15:19,220
Because you're being genuinely
remedial. And it's annoying as fuck.
205
00:15:22,069 --> 00:15:23,308
Fine. We kissed.
206
00:15:23,309 --> 00:15:25,228
And it was weird because
she used her tongue.
207
00:15:25,229 --> 00:15:27,377
And it was like, tongue, tongue,
tongue, tongue, tongue.
208
00:15:27,378 --> 00:15:29,636
And I was like, well, this is
fucking weird, because...
209
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:31,780
Cos I'm kissing her but actually, I'm...
210
00:15:32,789 --> 00:15:34,429
I liked it better when we were.
211
00:15:36,589 --> 00:15:39,187
- So, why didn't you come and find me?
- I did.
212
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:41,228
- I literally tried looking for you.
- When?
213
00:15:41,229 --> 00:15:42,588
- Like, afterwards.
- After what?
214
00:15:42,589 --> 00:15:45,428
After the whole weird
tonguing-virgin encounter thing.
215
00:15:45,429 --> 00:15:47,229
Well, obviously I'd left by then.
216
00:15:50,989 --> 00:15:52,549
Well, I'm...
217
00:15:56,509 --> 00:15:58,380
Look, I'm sorry.
218
00:15:59,589 --> 00:16:01,429
I should've come and tr...
219
00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:07,988
WOLF WHISTLES
220
00:16:07,989 --> 00:16:10,709
- Holy shit!
- Shit just got real.
221
00:16:29,469 --> 00:16:31,429
How are you, Alan?
222
00:16:31,454 --> 00:16:33,734
Good. Yeah.
223
00:16:33,759 --> 00:16:35,079
Really good.
224
00:16:35,149 --> 00:16:38,388
Remind me, did the
Lewis Druxman situation...
225
00:16:38,389 --> 00:16:40,509
Everything was OK in the end?
226
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:46,354
I, er, I e-mailed his parents
and they could completely see
227
00:16:46,379 --> 00:16:48,328
where we were coming from.
228
00:16:48,768 --> 00:16:50,008
Good.
229
00:16:53,829 --> 00:16:57,708
And how are things at home, Alan?
Everything's OK?
230
00:16:57,709 --> 00:16:58,869
How're the kids?
231
00:17:02,509 --> 00:17:03,788
Great.
232
00:17:03,789 --> 00:17:05,949
That's great... to hear.
233
00:17:07,029 --> 00:17:09,420
It's great to hear everyone's doing...
234
00:17:11,342 --> 00:17:13,622
Oh. Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan.
235
00:17:15,295 --> 00:17:16,815
OK, look.
236
00:17:19,269 --> 00:17:21,188
I don't know quite how to...
237
00:17:21,189 --> 00:17:23,020
So I, I think I'm just going to...
238
00:17:25,589 --> 00:17:28,229
Deep breath here, and...
239
00:17:31,429 --> 00:17:33,068
OK.
240
00:17:33,069 --> 00:17:36,548
She trained originally as a psychologist.
241
00:17:36,549 --> 00:17:39,388
Specialising in traumatic brain injuries.
242
00:17:39,389 --> 00:17:41,188
Do you think I've got
a traumatic brain injury?
243
00:17:41,189 --> 00:17:45,028
Followed by a stint at the
University of Hertfordshire.
244
00:17:45,029 --> 00:17:48,588
So, she's up to speed and looking
forward to hearing from you.
245
00:17:48,589 --> 00:17:49,949
Cool.
246
00:17:54,589 --> 00:17:56,549
She, er, she came round for dinner.
247
00:17:58,542 --> 00:17:59,702
OK.
248
00:17:59,727 --> 00:18:02,527
Talked about you for a bit.
The fact that we're...
249
00:18:03,182 --> 00:18:04,542
I see.
250
00:18:05,808 --> 00:18:07,408
She was kind of pissed off.
251
00:18:11,469 --> 00:18:13,149
Then we...
252
00:18:14,355 --> 00:18:15,835
Then we had sex.
253
00:18:18,909 --> 00:18:21,355
- Jason, you know what...
- And then actually we had sex again.
254
00:18:21,356 --> 00:18:22,651
We, we really...
255
00:18:22,676 --> 00:18:24,188
And actually we're
meeting up again, so...
256
00:18:24,189 --> 00:18:25,948
Jason I think it's probably best if we...
257
00:18:25,949 --> 00:18:30,509
No, I'm saying, I'm just saying,
for your information.
258
00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:40,389
So, listen, er...
259
00:18:42,069 --> 00:18:43,100
I mean...
260
00:18:44,069 --> 00:18:45,309
thanks.
261
00:18:46,555 --> 00:18:47,795
You're very welcome.
262
00:19:12,789 --> 00:19:14,228
Hey.
263
00:19:14,229 --> 00:19:17,949
Can you think of any
decent antonyms for falling?
264
00:19:22,669 --> 00:19:23,789
What's up?
265
00:19:26,149 --> 00:19:27,429
Janet knows.
266
00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:30,829
I mean, I told her.
267
00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:35,029
Someone saw us.
268
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:37,548
Who?
269
00:19:37,549 --> 00:19:39,269
She wouldn't say.
270
00:19:39,980 --> 00:19:44,308
But they, whoever it was, they
went to her and they said...
271
00:19:44,309 --> 00:19:47,708
So, Janet thinks we're
having an affair? No. Great.
272
00:19:47,709 --> 00:19:49,228
Well, she... She did.
273
00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:51,909
But then I explained.
274
00:19:52,989 --> 00:19:57,708
- You explained...?
- The arrangement in general.
275
00:19:57,709 --> 00:20:00,760
Oh! Shit the fucking bed, Alan.
No, you did not!
276
00:20:00,785 --> 00:20:02,108
Yeah.
277
00:20:02,109 --> 00:20:04,629
I said, I said, yeah.
278
00:20:05,669 --> 00:20:08,268
It's, it's not... It's not an affair.
279
00:20:08,269 --> 00:20:10,269
This, this is the deal.
280
00:20:11,222 --> 00:20:14,662
We feel very strongly toward one another.
281
00:20:14,789 --> 00:20:19,268
My wife is, is on...
Joy is on board, too.
282
00:20:19,269 --> 00:20:20,748
Seeing someone as well.
283
00:20:20,749 --> 00:20:25,411
Albeit they're not quite as
into, let's say, as you and I,
284
00:20:25,412 --> 00:20:29,300
but everything thus far is based on a...
285
00:20:30,481 --> 00:20:32,761
...mutual trust and understanding.
286
00:20:35,229 --> 00:20:36,468
What did Janet say?
287
00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:37,948
BELL RINGS
288
00:20:37,949 --> 00:20:40,828
Alan, you dark fucking horse.
289
00:20:40,829 --> 00:20:44,149
I hope I haven't put us in
an awkward position.
290
00:20:46,949 --> 00:20:48,509
You know what I mean.
291
00:20:56,469 --> 00:20:58,509
OK, bye!
292
00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:03,908
Delivery for number 18.
293
00:21:03,909 --> 00:21:06,092
I'm in a, in a bit of a hurry,
294
00:21:06,117 --> 00:21:08,348
- let me see if... Naomi!
- Mmm?
295
00:21:08,349 --> 00:21:11,549
I will leave you in the very
capable hands of my...
296
00:21:13,509 --> 00:21:14,869
Sign here.
297
00:21:17,269 --> 00:21:18,309
Thanks.
298
00:21:20,269 --> 00:21:22,029
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
299
00:21:40,669 --> 00:21:41,949
DOOR BELL BUZZES
300
00:21:50,789 --> 00:21:54,668
Listen... Babe, it's up to you.
301
00:21:54,669 --> 00:21:56,429
I don't mind.
302
00:21:58,182 --> 00:21:59,822
Why are you being like this?
303
00:21:59,847 --> 00:22:01,287
It's fine, it's fine with me.
304
00:22:16,275 --> 00:22:18,435
You ever see that film My Girl?
305
00:22:20,460 --> 00:22:23,053
It's about this girl, this little girl,
306
00:22:23,054 --> 00:22:24,794
she's best mates with the little kid
307
00:22:24,819 --> 00:22:26,093
- from Home Alone?
- Yes.
308
00:22:28,629 --> 00:22:32,068
And he gets stung by what is essentially
309
00:22:32,069 --> 00:22:34,508
an entire hive-load of bees.
310
00:22:34,509 --> 00:22:36,749
And he's... He's allergic.
311
00:22:38,769 --> 00:22:40,249
So he dies.
312
00:22:42,255 --> 00:22:46,060
And on the day of funeral,
she ends up running in, right,
313
00:22:47,228 --> 00:22:51,228
and it's an open casket, which,
when you really think about it,
314
00:22:51,253 --> 00:22:54,733
seems positively perverse,
but anyway, she runs in,
315
00:22:54,758 --> 00:22:56,540
she runs up to Home Alone's casket...
316
00:22:57,389 --> 00:23:02,589
And she's fucking distraught, right,
cos he hasn't got his glasses on.
317
00:23:05,829 --> 00:23:09,748
And she starts screaming, like,
"Where the fuck are his glasses?"
318
00:23:09,749 --> 00:23:12,868
I mean she doesn't say "fuck",
obviously, cos it's a kid's film,
319
00:23:12,869 --> 00:23:15,389
but the point is, she knew
how bad his prescription was.
320
00:23:18,109 --> 00:23:20,589
Yesterday when I went into see, erm...
321
00:23:23,269 --> 00:23:24,909
He didn't have his glasses on.
322
00:23:26,368 --> 00:23:30,128
And they gave me this little
doggy bag, you know...
323
00:23:32,069 --> 00:23:33,469
...with all his...
324
00:23:52,349 --> 00:23:54,308
This area is a Pay-and-Display.
325
00:23:54,309 --> 00:23:57,228
Yeah, we're just, we're actually,
erm, we're just leaving.
326
00:23:57,229 --> 00:23:59,508
OK, but next time, the thing to do is...
327
00:23:59,509 --> 00:24:01,908
Yeah, we're very sorry, but as I say...
328
00:24:01,909 --> 00:24:03,469
ENGINE STARTS
329
00:24:08,989 --> 00:24:14,149
MUSIC: [CAROL BY CHUCK BERRY]
330
00:24:20,229 --> 00:24:21,349
Aw!
331
00:24:25,629 --> 00:24:31,829
MUSIC ON SOUNDTRACK DROWNS SPEECH
332
00:24:50,589 --> 00:24:53,148
Do you remember that place
we went to in France that time?
333
00:24:53,149 --> 00:24:55,980
Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course I do.
334
00:24:57,149 --> 00:25:00,148
Amazing sausages.
335
00:25:00,149 --> 00:25:01,868
Oui.
336
00:25:01,869 --> 00:25:03,349
Jamon.
337
00:25:13,082 --> 00:25:14,780
SHE LAUGHS
338
00:25:22,709 --> 00:25:25,509
I can't believe you made me...!
339
00:25:30,549 --> 00:25:34,068
- Lawrence...
- Sorry, I shouldn't have done that.
340
00:25:34,069 --> 00:25:38,308
No, look, it's... there's a lot...
341
00:25:38,309 --> 00:25:40,460
It's OK, we don't need to.
342
00:25:43,389 --> 00:25:44,749
I just think I'm a bit...
343
00:25:46,675 --> 00:25:48,435
Yeah.
344
00:25:48,589 --> 00:25:50,580
Yeah, and that's all right.
345
00:25:50,829 --> 00:25:54,388
But I need to be really clear.
346
00:25:54,389 --> 00:25:56,509
Because, I mean,
you know as well as I do.
347
00:25:58,062 --> 00:25:59,940
But things are, er...
348
00:26:01,389 --> 00:26:03,028
different now.
349
00:26:03,029 --> 00:26:04,109
And, erm...
350
00:26:07,029 --> 00:26:11,469
...I think it's, I think it's
important that we acknowledge...
351
00:26:15,309 --> 00:26:17,456
No, you know what? Would
you mind, could you walk?
352
00:26:17,481 --> 00:26:19,070
Would you mind? Is that
all right with you?
353
00:26:19,071 --> 00:26:20,125
Home?
354
00:26:20,150 --> 00:26:22,828
Yeah, walking home, yes,
yes, that's what I saying.
355
00:26:22,829 --> 00:26:24,460
Joy, I...
356
00:26:25,149 --> 00:26:28,228
No, you know what? Actually, yeah,
I, I would really love it
357
00:26:28,229 --> 00:26:30,868
if you could just, erm, please
get out of the car now, please.
358
00:26:30,869 --> 00:26:33,868
- I don't even have proper shoes on.
- Well, whose fault is that?
359
00:26:33,869 --> 00:26:36,268
Listen, I'll walk home
if you really want me to.
360
00:26:36,269 --> 00:26:38,748
Yeah, I think... Yeah, I think...
361
00:26:38,749 --> 00:26:40,469
- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.
362
00:26:54,448 --> 00:26:56,608
Wait, I don't understand.
363
00:26:56,709 --> 00:26:58,428
What do you mean you're still
going to go?
364
00:26:58,429 --> 00:27:01,348
Well, the tickets already
came through, so...
365
00:27:01,349 --> 00:27:03,395
Well, why not just give them to her
366
00:27:03,420 --> 00:27:05,188
instead of actually
having to go with her?
367
00:27:05,189 --> 00:27:07,148
Or you two could go.
368
00:27:07,149 --> 00:27:09,233
But I said. I already said, like,
369
00:27:09,258 --> 00:27:11,347
if the tickets come through,
would you want to go?
370
00:27:11,348 --> 00:27:13,589
And she was like, "Yeah, no,
I fucking love Zadie Smith."
371
00:27:16,869 --> 00:27:19,223
Well, it's not like it's a date.
372
00:27:19,224 --> 00:27:21,548
That's true,
it's going to be fucking dry.
373
00:27:21,549 --> 00:27:27,308
I'd be cool if you wanted to, like,
wanted to go with some other someone
374
00:27:27,309 --> 00:27:30,189
to, like, an exhibition or something.
375
00:27:31,949 --> 00:27:33,548
Wow.
376
00:27:33,549 --> 00:27:34,869
What a hero.
377
00:27:39,989 --> 00:27:41,349
OK...
378
00:27:42,629 --> 00:27:43,669
Look at me.
379
00:27:44,909 --> 00:27:47,712
I want you to imagine
yourself in, like, a week,
380
00:27:47,737 --> 00:27:49,428
or a month, and you're looking back.
381
00:27:49,429 --> 00:27:52,593
You're thinking back on what just
happened. And you're not together.
382
00:27:52,594 --> 00:27:55,489
It lasted, like, literally
less than a day
383
00:27:55,514 --> 00:27:58,948
cos of the weird inane
shit you just spouted.
384
00:27:58,949 --> 00:28:01,588
And I want you to think
how that's going to feel.
385
00:28:01,589 --> 00:28:04,076
And if you think that future
you is going to be cool
386
00:28:04,101 --> 00:28:06,860
with how this conversation
just went down, then...
387
00:28:08,909 --> 00:28:12,429
...it's like I literally don't
even know who you are any more.
388
00:28:14,269 --> 00:28:16,389
HE MAKES EXPLOSION SOUND
389
00:28:21,149 --> 00:28:24,789
DOORBELL PLAYS "WESTMINSTER QUARTERS"
390
00:28:32,549 --> 00:28:35,028
- Hi.
- Oh, my goodness.
391
00:28:35,029 --> 00:28:38,268
Oh, that's very kind of you.
Here, let me take that.
392
00:28:38,269 --> 00:28:41,228
- This is actually one of, like, four.
- It's not!
393
00:28:41,229 --> 00:28:46,268
Er... Let me come and...
No, I, erm... How shall we do this?
394
00:28:46,269 --> 00:28:50,508
Why don't we do this one first,
and then we can sort out the rest?
395
00:28:50,509 --> 00:28:52,989
Yes. Come in. Thank you.
396
00:29:09,069 --> 00:29:13,908
♪ I don't know where I'm going
Don't know where I... ♪
397
00:29:13,909 --> 00:29:15,469
SHE GASPS
398
00:29:36,589 --> 00:29:39,388
BOTH AT ONCE: Joy, I had to tell Janet.
Alan, Lawrence tried to kiss me.
399
00:29:39,389 --> 00:29:40,869
What?
400
00:29:44,629 --> 00:29:46,948
Why? When?
401
00:29:46,949 --> 00:29:49,948
Today. This afternoon.
His dad died, so we went bowling.
402
00:29:49,949 --> 00:29:51,560
- You went bowling?
- Ten pin.
403
00:29:51,585 --> 00:29:53,988
You went ten pin bowling with...
404
00:29:53,989 --> 00:29:56,548
Yeah, well, the idea was to try
and take his mind off...
405
00:29:56,549 --> 00:29:58,468
And he, he what?
406
00:29:58,469 --> 00:30:01,388
- In between balls, he tried to...?
- Afterwards. It was afterwards.
407
00:30:01,389 --> 00:30:03,428
Mmm-hmm. And what did you,
what did you do?
408
00:30:03,429 --> 00:30:05,948
- I asked him to get out the car.
- This was in the car?
409
00:30:05,949 --> 00:30:09,908
- Well, I've already sent him an e-mail.
- Oh. Oh, all right.
410
00:30:09,909 --> 00:30:12,108
Well, I mean, if you've sent him
an e-mail,
411
00:30:12,109 --> 00:30:13,505
I guess we can safely say...
412
00:30:13,530 --> 00:30:15,428
Yeah, to explain in no uncertain terms...
413
00:30:15,429 --> 00:30:16,869
Am I allowed to see it?
414
00:30:18,909 --> 00:30:21,549
This e-mail to end all e-mails?
415
00:30:22,989 --> 00:30:24,989
Wow. OK, well, that...
416
00:30:28,202 --> 00:30:31,122
I see what you mean, it's actually
quite strongly worded.
417
00:30:33,902 --> 00:30:36,302
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... I'm sorry.
418
00:30:38,669 --> 00:30:39,989
What a weasel.
419
00:31:54,515 --> 00:31:56,195
Want to try it lying down?
420
00:32:06,269 --> 00:32:08,789
Sure you don't want to try lying...?
421
00:32:41,629 --> 00:32:43,869
Oh, that's good. Yes.
422
00:32:49,989 --> 00:32:52,388
OK, OK, look...
423
00:32:52,389 --> 00:32:54,668
- Fine, forget it.
- Don't get pissed off.
424
00:32:54,669 --> 00:32:56,989
- I'm not. I'm not.
- It's late.
425
00:32:59,269 --> 00:33:01,188
Joy, you're not allowed to...
426
00:33:01,189 --> 00:33:03,669
I'm not. I'm not anything. I'm...
427
00:33:05,789 --> 00:33:06,989
I'm really not.
428
00:33:55,069 --> 00:33:56,229
- So...
- Mmm.
429
00:33:57,349 --> 00:34:00,028
What made you want to purchase
a trampoline?
430
00:34:00,029 --> 00:34:01,749
Shopping channel.
431
00:34:03,269 --> 00:34:04,508
- That's cool.
- Mmm-hmm.
432
00:34:04,509 --> 00:34:07,628
I've always found them to be
very reasonable.
433
00:34:07,629 --> 00:34:09,029
Do you buy lots?
434
00:34:10,709 --> 00:34:12,389
Maybe.
435
00:34:16,675 --> 00:34:19,195
Best thing you bought,
worst thing you bought?
436
00:34:19,220 --> 00:34:20,963
Oh. Well.
437
00:34:20,988 --> 00:34:22,420
Erm...
438
00:34:23,309 --> 00:34:27,268
One of the best things I've bought,
at least recently,
439
00:34:27,269 --> 00:34:31,189
I'd probably have to say, erm...
440
00:34:32,509 --> 00:34:34,629
Round neck, short-sleeved kaftan.
441
00:34:36,269 --> 00:34:41,588
Worst buy. Erm... Oh, there was
a mulberry and fig candle
442
00:34:41,589 --> 00:34:45,988
that seemed to smell of
neither mulberries nor figs.
443
00:34:45,989 --> 00:34:49,908
I am increasingly certain
almost all candles are bullshit.
444
00:34:49,909 --> 00:34:51,868
Well, they're handy in a powercut.
445
00:34:51,869 --> 00:34:54,940
- Use your phone.
- I don't have a phone.
446
00:34:55,469 --> 00:34:56,988
What?
447
00:34:56,989 --> 00:34:59,788
- Well, smartphone, sorry.
- I don't have a smartphone.
448
00:34:59,789 --> 00:35:02,309
- No! What?!
- Sorry!
449
00:35:04,309 --> 00:35:05,980
Wow.
450
00:35:06,789 --> 00:35:09,180
Your attention span must be, like...
451
00:35:09,869 --> 00:35:11,109
Normal?
452
00:35:21,589 --> 00:35:23,789
Well, another thing, of course, is...
453
00:35:28,309 --> 00:35:29,349
Sorry.
454
00:35:32,109 --> 00:35:33,149
No.
455
00:35:42,869 --> 00:35:45,269
To be fair,
it does have a torch on the back.
456
00:35:55,909 --> 00:35:58,548
Why would you put a camera on a turtle?
457
00:35:58,549 --> 00:36:00,308
Why wouldn't you?
458
00:36:00,309 --> 00:36:03,269
PHONE VIBRATES
459
00:36:06,149 --> 00:36:09,309
ANSWER SERVICE: The person you
have called is not available.
460
00:36:12,389 --> 00:36:14,616
Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.
461
00:36:14,617 --> 00:36:16,735
You're saying you're
taking us off the raffle?
462
00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:17,948
Yes.
463
00:36:17,949 --> 00:36:20,828
- Because of these complaints.
- They're not complaints.
464
00:36:20,829 --> 00:36:22,256
Well, whatever it is we're calling them,
465
00:36:22,281 --> 00:36:23,688
the point is that we're no longer...
466
00:36:23,689 --> 00:36:26,748
How many are there?
I mean how many're we talking?
467
00:36:26,749 --> 00:36:29,428
Ten. 11. 12.
468
00:36:29,429 --> 00:36:32,319
- Well, Janet, is it ten or is it 12?
- Which is it?
469
00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:33,420
- 15.
470
00:36:33,445 --> 00:36:35,068
- 15?
- 15?
471
00:36:35,069 --> 00:36:37,748
- Who are these people?
- What're they pissed off about?
472
00:36:37,749 --> 00:36:41,268
- Well...
- More to the point, how do they know?
473
00:36:41,269 --> 00:36:44,628
They, these friends of ours,
they said, they explained,
474
00:36:44,629 --> 00:36:48,308
that they'd written to the...
at their daughter's school,
475
00:36:48,309 --> 00:36:52,655
to express their... concern.
476
00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:56,308
Anyway, then they said
that the irony is, of course,
477
00:36:56,309 --> 00:37:00,268
that his wife's a professional therapist,
478
00:37:00,269 --> 00:37:01,900
that they ought to know better.
479
00:37:02,389 --> 00:37:04,468
Janet, come on, come on, this is...
480
00:37:04,469 --> 00:37:07,629
All right, all right, all right.
481
00:37:10,749 --> 00:37:12,388
I had to tell Mike.
482
00:37:12,389 --> 00:37:13,828
- Fucking Mike!
- Mike!
483
00:37:13,829 --> 00:37:14,886
Because originally...
484
00:37:14,911 --> 00:37:17,028
- So, he was the one who saw us?
- So, what did you tell him?
485
00:37:17,029 --> 00:37:20,468
- The truth. Janet, why on earth...?
- Mike is such a fucking ballsack.
486
00:37:20,469 --> 00:37:22,469
I am in a position of responsibility.
487
00:37:23,789 --> 00:37:27,948
If a colleague, if an employee,
if they come to me, and they say,
488
00:37:27,949 --> 00:37:29,868
- they say, Janet...
- Yeah, but you...
489
00:37:29,869 --> 00:37:32,628
Janet, no-one has done anything wrong.
490
00:37:32,629 --> 00:37:36,508
It is not affecting the work.
We're fine with it.
491
00:37:36,509 --> 00:37:40,868
Both of you know, as well as I do,
this is a small town.
492
00:37:40,869 --> 00:37:43,908
- Small-fucking-minded.
- Technically, it's a city.
493
00:37:43,909 --> 00:37:46,948
All I am asking,
if not a little bit begging,
494
00:37:46,949 --> 00:37:48,740
is, please...
495
00:37:49,189 --> 00:37:51,428
forget about the fundraiser.
Put it out of your minds.
496
00:37:51,429 --> 00:37:54,540
Go and do whatever it is
the two of you...
497
00:37:55,460 --> 00:38:00,388
And then next week, fresh start,
we'll sit down, we three,
498
00:38:00,389 --> 00:38:02,549
we'll try to work out the best way to...
499
00:38:04,589 --> 00:38:05,940
All right?
500
00:38:06,469 --> 00:38:09,109
The real sticking point for Elaine...
501
00:38:12,549 --> 00:38:18,109
...I suppose that she feels there's
a certain degree of hypocrisy.
502
00:38:21,549 --> 00:38:23,190
Entrusting our marriage to someone,
503
00:38:23,215 --> 00:38:25,653
whose own marriage, is so
clearly in a state of...
504
00:38:27,509 --> 00:38:28,949
...disarray.
505
00:38:30,909 --> 00:38:31,949
And it's funny,
506
00:38:31,974 --> 00:38:37,388
because they know there's a certain
amount of infidelity involved.
507
00:38:37,389 --> 00:38:40,389
You know, every time I come here to
see you, I see the same man leaving.
508
00:38:41,589 --> 00:38:44,988
But for that 50 minutes, that one hour,
509
00:38:44,989 --> 00:38:48,548
once or twice a week, or whatever
it is, we do our best to offer
510
00:38:48,549 --> 00:38:53,028
complete and utter exclusivity.
511
00:38:53,029 --> 00:38:54,349
And when it works...
512
00:38:56,149 --> 00:38:57,189
But when it doesn't...
513
00:38:58,621 --> 00:38:59,821
When it doesn't...?
514
00:39:02,949 --> 00:39:05,828
- It's the responsibility.
- Because it's all on you?
515
00:39:05,829 --> 00:39:09,228
Well, I'm there to be whatever it is
that person needs me to be.
516
00:39:09,229 --> 00:39:12,709
And so if something is not quite...
517
00:39:14,748 --> 00:39:17,988
- Clicking?
- Yes, then it just feels so...
518
00:39:23,142 --> 00:39:25,222
Can you give me a particular example?
519
00:39:30,962 --> 00:39:33,802
He'd been unfaithful. Repeatedly.
520
00:39:35,315 --> 00:39:39,275
They'd been trying for children,
for a number of years, and...
521
00:39:40,669 --> 00:39:42,549
And...?
522
00:39:45,309 --> 00:39:49,109
I had a... I had a hard time liking him.
523
00:39:50,788 --> 00:39:52,508
I don't think he liked me.
524
00:39:55,608 --> 00:39:57,648
He had this way, it was quite...
525
00:39:59,909 --> 00:40:01,149
...stand-offish.
526
00:40:02,629 --> 00:40:05,268
- Brutish.
- What, to you, or in general?
527
00:40:05,269 --> 00:40:06,949
Bit of both, I think.
528
00:40:08,669 --> 00:40:11,483
And I really struggled, you know,
why isn't this working?
529
00:40:11,484 --> 00:40:12,940
Why won't he...?
530
00:40:14,189 --> 00:40:18,229
And occasionally I even found myself
dreading the prospect of...
531
00:40:23,189 --> 00:40:26,309
And then one day,
out of the blue, he, erm...
532
00:40:35,469 --> 00:40:39,349
This was after eight,
nine months, working together.
533
00:40:42,589 --> 00:40:44,709
They said it was the last call...
534
00:40:49,561 --> 00:40:51,081
...he made.
535
00:41:04,309 --> 00:41:07,308
Joy, I'm... I'm struck by something
you said a moment ago.
536
00:41:07,309 --> 00:41:14,148
You said, erm, "It's my job to be
whoever it is they need me to be."
537
00:41:14,149 --> 00:41:17,915
In which case, I wonder
if it's possible to...
538
00:41:17,916 --> 00:41:22,909
to talk about a time where
you've experienced feeling...
539
00:41:27,829 --> 00:41:29,788
...yourself.
540
00:41:29,789 --> 00:41:37,069
Not playing a role, or a version
of a role, but you. Yourself. Joy.
541
00:41:41,549 --> 00:41:44,149
MUSIC PLAYS
542
00:42:13,186 --> 00:42:14,359
- Hey.
- Hi!
543
00:42:14,384 --> 00:42:17,349
- Sorry I'm late.
- Time's pretty relative.
544
00:42:30,069 --> 00:42:31,549
Are you OK?
545
00:42:34,309 --> 00:42:35,789
You seem sort of...
546
00:42:38,189 --> 00:42:41,548
Yeah, no, I don't think
I can do this. I'm sorry.
547
00:42:41,549 --> 00:42:43,534
OK. But you should, definitely.
548
00:42:43,535 --> 00:42:47,708
You should definitely... But I
definitely shouldn't. Oh, fuck.
549
00:42:47,709 --> 00:42:49,829
It's OK. I can just call my sister.
550
00:42:53,789 --> 00:42:56,469
I think I might be in love
with my best friend.
551
00:42:56,980 --> 00:42:59,229
Yeah, no shit.
552
00:43:01,829 --> 00:43:03,389
Tom, this isn't a date.
553
00:43:07,949 --> 00:43:11,148
Make sure you ask her about that
bit in Autograph Man.
554
00:43:11,149 --> 00:43:13,909
OK. I'm going to have to...
Sorry, I'm so sorry.
555
00:43:44,149 --> 00:43:46,588
Got you a pornstar martini.
556
00:43:46,589 --> 00:43:48,428
Happy Hour, so it's two for one.
557
00:43:48,429 --> 00:43:49,700
Bargain.
558
00:43:50,229 --> 00:43:51,269
Cheers.
559
00:43:54,629 --> 00:43:56,229
And we're...
560
00:43:57,989 --> 00:44:00,260
We're sure about this, are we?
561
00:44:01,189 --> 00:44:02,669
I'd say so.
562
00:44:05,949 --> 00:44:09,108
All we're here to do is raise some
money for a questionable cause,
563
00:44:09,109 --> 00:44:10,669
same as everyone else.
564
00:44:17,189 --> 00:44:21,429
MUSIC: [NEED YOU TONIGHT BY INXS]
565
00:44:28,989 --> 00:44:31,829
♪ All you've got is this moment
566
00:44:33,549 --> 00:44:35,869
♪ The 21st century was yesterday
567
00:44:37,589 --> 00:44:39,389
♪ You can care all you want ♪
568
00:44:41,889 --> 00:44:46,089
♪ Everybody does, yeah That's OK ♪
569
00:44:47,589 --> 00:44:52,108
♪ So slide over here
And give me a moment ♪
570
00:44:52,109 --> 00:44:56,508
♪ Your moves are so raw
I've got to let you know ♪
571
00:44:56,509 --> 00:44:58,709
♪ I've got to let you know ♪
572
00:45:00,189 --> 00:45:02,389
♪ You're one of my kind ♪
573
00:45:08,589 --> 00:45:11,309
♪ I need you tonight ♪
574
00:45:13,029 --> 00:45:15,469
♪ Cos I'm not sleeping ♪
575
00:45:17,469 --> 00:45:21,908
♪ There's something about you, girl ♪
576
00:45:21,909 --> 00:45:24,309
♪ That makes me sweat ♪
577
00:45:27,589 --> 00:45:31,988
♪ How do you feel? I'm lonely
578
00:45:31,989 --> 00:45:36,668
♪ What do you think? Can't think at all ♪
579
00:45:36,669 --> 00:45:40,748
♪ What you gonna do? Gonna live my life ♪
580
00:45:40,749 --> 00:45:45,068
♪ So slide over here
And give me a moment ♪
581
00:45:45,069 --> 00:45:49,428
♪ Your moves are so raw
I've got to let you know ♪
582
00:45:49,429 --> 00:45:51,629
♪ I've got to let you know ♪
583
00:45:53,069 --> 00:45:55,789
♪ You're one of my kind ♪
584
00:46:01,669 --> 00:46:04,269
♪ I need you tonight ♪
585
00:46:06,149 --> 00:46:08,309
♪ Cos I'm not sleeping ♪
586
00:46:10,429 --> 00:46:14,868
♪ There's something about you, girl ♪
587
00:46:14,869 --> 00:46:17,029
♪ That makes me sweat ♪
588
00:46:20,549 --> 00:46:24,108
♪ So how do you feel? I'm lonely. ♪
589
00:46:24,109 --> 00:46:26,029
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
590
00:46:29,949 --> 00:46:33,940
So, hello. Good evening, and a very
warm welcome to you all.
591
00:46:34,749 --> 00:46:38,908
For those of you who don't know me,
my name is Janet Malherbe and
592
00:46:38,909 --> 00:46:42,300
I'm the, er...
593
00:46:44,349 --> 00:46:49,668
I'm the... Deputy Head here
at Paul Anderson.
594
00:46:49,669 --> 00:46:52,148
And also the...
595
00:46:52,149 --> 00:46:56,748
I chair the committee responsible for
596
00:46:56,749 --> 00:46:59,069
tonight's wonderful event.
597
00:47:01,189 --> 00:47:04,029
APPLAUSE
598
00:47:44,069 --> 00:47:46,988
Laura, I was married.
And I really fucking loved her.
599
00:47:46,989 --> 00:47:49,428
And I feel like I want to be able
to say that to you.
600
00:47:49,429 --> 00:47:52,860
But then there's this
other thing as well. And...
601
00:47:53,469 --> 00:47:56,829
I'm worried that if I...
If I say it, you're going to...
602
00:48:02,829 --> 00:48:04,829
She killed herself.
603
00:48:08,389 --> 00:48:09,749
And I don't know.
604
00:48:11,628 --> 00:48:13,108
I miss her sometimes.
605
00:48:14,789 --> 00:48:16,708
So much I don't know what to do about it.
606
00:48:16,709 --> 00:48:18,860
I keep feeling like
I'm fucking everything up.
607
00:48:19,629 --> 00:48:21,229
- I'm sorry.
- No.
608
00:48:23,349 --> 00:48:24,589
I'm sorry.
609
00:48:28,589 --> 00:48:33,309
I steal ice creams all the time
and no-one knows about it.
610
00:48:33,620 --> 00:48:36,349
Well, maybe not all the time, but...
611
00:48:37,549 --> 00:48:40,828
- Mars ice creams?
- OK.
612
00:48:40,829 --> 00:48:45,868
I like the challenge of having
to slide open the freezer thing.
613
00:48:45,869 --> 00:48:47,948
- You know the freezer thing?
- Yeah, yeah.
614
00:48:47,949 --> 00:48:50,028
And I don't even eat them.
615
00:48:50,029 --> 00:48:51,749
What do you do with them?
616
00:48:52,420 --> 00:48:55,300
Sometimes I give them to homeless people.
617
00:48:55,909 --> 00:48:57,095
Sometimes I put them back,
618
00:48:57,120 --> 00:49:00,333
but in a different freezer
in a different newsagents.
619
00:49:05,029 --> 00:49:06,389
You can tell me anything.
620
00:49:07,669 --> 00:49:09,029
It's OK.
621
00:49:22,669 --> 00:49:25,429
Hi, is Michelle in, please?
622
00:49:36,949 --> 00:49:39,909
I'm really sorry for consistently
behaving like a penis.
623
00:49:40,500 --> 00:49:42,511
You're, like, actually,
factually just a, like,
624
00:49:42,536 --> 00:49:44,028
much better person than me.
625
00:49:44,029 --> 00:49:46,628
Why are you such a consistent penis?
626
00:49:46,629 --> 00:49:48,469
It must be genetic or something.
627
00:49:50,429 --> 00:49:53,069
- Please don't hate me.
- I'm not going to hate you.
628
00:49:55,069 --> 00:49:56,943
Would your dad find it,
like, majorly weird
629
00:49:56,968 --> 00:49:58,348
if I kissed you on the doorstep?
630
00:49:58,349 --> 00:50:01,269
Well, do you want me to go
and ask him for y...
631
00:50:08,789 --> 00:50:11,108
Next up is...
632
00:50:11,109 --> 00:50:16,348
An ESPA hot stone massage,
care of Woodcock Manor.
633
00:50:16,349 --> 00:50:19,988
So, number 69.
634
00:50:19,989 --> 00:50:22,109
WHISTLES AND LAUGHTER
635
00:50:23,109 --> 00:50:26,188
I'll say that again, number 69.
636
00:50:26,189 --> 00:50:28,628
69. Anyone?
637
00:50:28,629 --> 00:50:30,229
Don't be shy.
638
00:50:32,169 --> 00:50:33,649
I'll come up with you.
639
00:50:34,962 --> 00:50:36,602
You deserve that massage.
640
00:50:57,682 --> 00:50:59,420
I hope this isn't...
641
00:50:59,889 --> 00:51:04,129
But I, erm... I...
642
00:51:04,154 --> 00:51:09,994
I know that... some of you are...
643
00:51:11,309 --> 00:51:16,029
...a little... uneasy about...
644
00:51:19,549 --> 00:51:21,508
And apologies for the interruption.
645
00:51:21,509 --> 00:51:26,429
But I just, I, I feel it would be
remiss of me if...
646
00:51:27,789 --> 00:51:30,020
...not to... if I didn't...
647
00:51:31,349 --> 00:51:33,180
...say to you...
648
00:51:34,309 --> 00:51:37,560
Because if, if anyone has any questions
649
00:51:37,585 --> 00:51:40,973
about what it is that, that we're...
650
00:51:43,109 --> 00:51:46,398
...doing or, you know,
651
00:51:46,399 --> 00:51:48,989
please do come and...
652
00:51:51,549 --> 00:51:55,100
Because we're really not,
we're really not...
653
00:51:55,629 --> 00:52:01,269
trying to upset anyone, or make
anyone uncomfortable. Far from it.
654
00:52:06,774 --> 00:52:07,740
So...
655
00:52:21,949 --> 00:52:23,548
Alan, I... Look. All I...
656
00:52:23,549 --> 00:52:25,181
Joy, you know what? Do you know what?
657
00:52:25,206 --> 00:52:26,988
I, I don't really want to get into a...
658
00:52:26,989 --> 00:52:30,269
- All I was trying to do...
- Joy, I'm serious.
659
00:52:31,829 --> 00:52:34,540
- It's important, I honestly think... I
- said I don't want to talk about it!
660
00:52:36,589 --> 00:52:41,189
I mean, it's what I do for a living.
661
00:52:41,820 --> 00:52:44,148
- You know?
- Listen. No-one is...
662
00:52:44,149 --> 00:52:46,868
I mean you do realise, you do realise,
663
00:52:46,869 --> 00:52:49,628
you might've actually cost me my job.
664
00:52:49,629 --> 00:52:51,309
On what grounds?
665
00:52:53,269 --> 00:52:56,748
Joy, come on. You embarrassed me tonight.
666
00:52:56,749 --> 00:52:59,028
Tonight was embarrassing.
667
00:52:59,029 --> 00:53:02,988
And would you consider it more
or less of an embarrassment
668
00:53:02,989 --> 00:53:05,028
if we were just cheating on each other?
669
00:53:05,029 --> 00:53:08,508
If we decided to break up, get a
divorce, and cut the kids in half,
670
00:53:08,509 --> 00:53:10,748
and spend the weekends
ferrying them back and forth?
671
00:53:10,749 --> 00:53:12,005
- All right.
- Would a second,
672
00:53:12,030 --> 00:53:13,308
maybe a third wedding...?
673
00:53:13,309 --> 00:53:15,363
How about a whole string of
unsuccessful marriages?
674
00:53:15,364 --> 00:53:18,548
Would you consider that to be
more or less of an embarrassment?
675
00:53:18,549 --> 00:53:21,388
I mean, these people
need to grow the fuck up.
676
00:53:21,389 --> 00:53:22,712
HE LAUGHS
677
00:53:22,713 --> 00:53:23,660
So, they're the ones
678
00:53:23,685 --> 00:53:25,228
- who need to grow up, are they?
- Yes.
679
00:53:25,229 --> 00:53:27,908
Oh, I see, I get it now.
So, they're, THEY'RE the ones...
680
00:53:27,909 --> 00:53:29,628
We have every right to live how we want.
681
00:53:29,653 --> 00:53:30,788
Joy, listen to yourself!
682
00:53:30,789 --> 00:53:33,388
What you did tonight, it was...
683
00:53:33,389 --> 00:53:36,949
It was, wildly, wildly, inappropriate.
684
00:53:38,029 --> 00:53:39,429
I disagree.
685
00:53:40,749 --> 00:53:43,188
Should never have let you
talk me into this.
686
00:53:43,189 --> 00:53:46,429
- Into what?
- Any of it, all of it.
687
00:53:47,429 --> 00:53:49,509
- Well, what's that supposed to mean?
- It means...
688
00:53:51,989 --> 00:53:55,588
It means I'm losing track
of where we're even at any more.
689
00:53:55,589 --> 00:53:58,613
We seem to be doing fine,
and then all of a sudden you, you,
690
00:53:58,614 --> 00:54:00,174
you're out bowling with your ex,
691
00:54:00,199 --> 00:54:01,812
and then you're up in front
of a room full of...
692
00:54:01,813 --> 00:54:04,654
Oh, Alan, I think
honestly you're in danger
693
00:54:04,679 --> 00:54:06,093
of making a mountain into a...
694
00:54:06,094 --> 00:54:09,519
Then why this persistent
moving of the goal posts?
695
00:54:09,520 --> 00:54:11,580
Well, I'm not the one
who fell in love, so...
696
00:54:12,069 --> 00:54:13,600
I, I beg your fucking pardon?
697
00:54:13,625 --> 00:54:16,028
- Mmm.
- Oh!
698
00:54:16,029 --> 00:54:17,679
Oh, I see. Oh, I see.
699
00:54:17,704 --> 00:54:19,948
- So, this is all my fault now, is it?
- No, it's nobody's...
700
00:54:19,949 --> 00:54:22,348
Joy, I came to you, and I,
and I told you...
701
00:54:22,349 --> 00:54:25,108
- Yeah, you did.
- And we agreed a way forward.
702
00:54:25,109 --> 00:54:28,468
- Which, to my mind...
- Will you stop shouting at me?
703
00:54:28,469 --> 00:54:31,148
How can you not see,
how is it not apparent to you,
704
00:54:31,149 --> 00:54:32,669
that all I am doing...
705
00:54:34,669 --> 00:54:36,980
...all I've been trying to do...
706
00:54:39,295 --> 00:54:41,095
...is give you what you want?
707
00:54:43,282 --> 00:54:44,602
Is that right?
708
00:54:47,222 --> 00:54:50,102
I'm saying that it... It took...
709
00:54:53,309 --> 00:54:55,722
It took an enormous leap of faith
on my part, Joy, to...
710
00:54:55,723 --> 00:54:57,948
to make it this far.
711
00:54:57,949 --> 00:55:01,428
To make... To make it work.
To make a go of things.
712
00:55:01,429 --> 00:55:05,348
Then fine, then. If it's making you
that uncomfortable, let's stop.
713
00:55:05,349 --> 00:55:07,828
- No, that isn't, that isn't what
- I'm saying and you know it.
714
00:55:07,829 --> 00:55:10,108
If it's such a hardship, life under
the guilt-free sex cosh, then...
715
00:55:10,109 --> 00:55:12,206
No, you're not listening to me, you're
not listening to what I'm saying.
716
00:55:12,231 --> 00:55:13,748
No. but it's a good point.
717
00:55:13,749 --> 00:55:16,540
You're right. It's a good point.
What would you do?
718
00:55:17,189 --> 00:55:19,429
If you... If we had to... stop.
719
00:55:22,535 --> 00:55:23,575
You're right.
720
00:55:25,308 --> 00:55:27,308
If you had to make a choice...
721
00:55:27,615 --> 00:55:29,335
who would you choose?
722
00:55:39,829 --> 00:55:41,897
Cos I haven't met anyone
who makes me feel
723
00:55:41,922 --> 00:55:43,413
the way you feel about Claire.
724
00:55:50,389 --> 00:55:55,429
And I don't feel the way I feel
about you about anyone.
725
00:56:00,509 --> 00:56:02,076
But then again, nor have I ever,
726
00:56:02,101 --> 00:56:05,333
I don't think, quite felt the way
I feel about Claire about you.
727
00:56:30,309 --> 00:56:32,309
SHE LAUGHS
728
00:56:33,549 --> 00:56:37,029
MUSIC: [COP AND GO BY THE DEAD WEATHER]
729
00:56:38,069 --> 00:56:41,869
♪ Beautiful eyes Long gone ♪
730
00:56:43,269 --> 00:56:47,229
♪ Beautiful eyes Return ♪
731
00:56:48,509 --> 00:56:51,788
♪ Beautiful lies Set in stone ♪
732
00:56:51,789 --> 00:56:54,548
♪ Come alive Disarm ♪
733
00:56:54,549 --> 00:56:57,309
♪ Take my life Alter form ♪
734
00:57:00,029 --> 00:57:03,869
♪ You look at me on the level Uh-huh. ♪
735
00:57:06,349 --> 00:57:09,028
Oh, I'm so sorry.
736
00:57:09,029 --> 00:57:12,108
I think... I think I
probably got the, erm...
737
00:57:12,109 --> 00:57:14,948
- No worries.
- Babe? Who is it?
738
00:57:14,949 --> 00:57:16,389
It's no-one.
739
00:57:41,709 --> 00:57:42,961
SONG: [THE SHIP SONG
BY NICK CAVE AND THE BAD SEEDS]
740
00:57:42,962 --> 00:57:47,309
♪ Come sail your ships around me ♪
741
00:57:48,949 --> 00:57:52,789
♪ And burn your bridges down ♪
742
00:57:55,761 --> 00:57:59,561
♪ We make a little history, baby ♪
743
00:58:02,229 --> 00:58:05,829
♪ Every time you come around ♪
744
00:58:09,629 --> 00:58:13,549
♪ Come loose your dogs upon me ♪
745
00:58:15,789 --> 00:58:20,229
♪ And let your hair hang down ♪
746
00:58:23,189 --> 00:58:27,429
♪ You are a little mystery to me ♪
747
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♪ Every time you call around. ♪
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