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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,680 This programme contains some scenes 2 00:00:03,705 --> 00:00:05,599 which some viewers may find upsetting, 3 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:08,479 some scenes of a sexual nature and strong language. 4 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:09,759 What about...? 5 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,457 - Yeah. - Yeah? 6 00:00:11,482 --> 00:00:13,024 - Yeah. - OK. 7 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:28,747 Excuse me, is this chair free? 8 00:00:28,772 --> 00:00:30,504 - Yeah. - Thank you. 9 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:41,200 HE CLEARS THROAT 10 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:45,520 HE CLEARS THROAT MORE FORCEFULLY 11 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:48,760 Here. 12 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:16,800 Oh. 13 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:28,719 - Hi. - Hi. 14 00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:30,799 - Hi. - Hi. 15 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,097 Marc, this is Claire. Claire, Marc. 16 00:01:32,122 --> 00:01:33,319 - Nice to meet you. - Hi. 17 00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:36,199 With a C Like Marc... Jacobs? 18 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:39,039 Yep, yep, I'm almost exactly the same as Marc Jacobs. 19 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:40,333 - Ah. - Marc, Alan. 20 00:01:40,358 --> 00:01:41,759 Hello, Marc, I'm Alan. 21 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:44,420 - Alan, Marc. Marc, Alan. - Hi, how you doing? 22 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:48,199 - Hello, Claire. - Yeah. Joy! 23 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,879 Mwa! Mwa! 24 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:54,079 - How you doing, how's it all...? - Yeah, very well thank you. You? 25 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,079 Er, busy. Er, I mean... Yeah. 26 00:01:56,080 --> 00:02:00,759 - Alan mentioned, mentioned, Roland... - Oh, yeah, right. He's sick. 27 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,160 Oh, sorry. 28 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,919 Got the shits again, so... 29 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,839 It's Claire's... Claire's cat. 30 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:14,439 Roland as in Grange Hill? I don't know if you ever...? 31 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:20,580 You mean Roland AKA Gutsy AKA real name Erkan Mustafa? Legend. 32 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:22,880 Big fan. 33 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:32,640 Come on. 34 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:36,640 Thanking you. 35 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:40,159 Wow. It's a cool place. 36 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,117 - Yeah, I know. - First time? 37 00:02:42,142 --> 00:02:44,184 First time for everything, mate. 38 00:02:45,379 --> 00:02:47,655 Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com 39 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,520 POUNDING DANCE MUSIC PLAYS 40 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:00,039 I was sorry to hear about your engagement. 41 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:01,839 Oh, yeah. 42 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:03,879 That's OK. 43 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,700 He used to put his finger in my mouth. 44 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,860 Adam. When I yawned. 45 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,439 I don't quite understand, 46 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:13,959 why would someone want to do that to your mouth? 47 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:17,399 Because he was an idiot of the highest order. 48 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,319 THEY LAUGH 49 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:25,280 He wanted kids, but I've never really seen the point in... kids. 50 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:33,279 I was so afraid the first time I was pregnant. 51 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:34,879 I was so sick and tired. 52 00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:38,359 And I didn't really know what I was supposed to be doing. 53 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:40,999 I think it took me a while to get my head around the idea 54 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:44,400 that all of a sudden I was going to have to love someone I've never met. 55 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:47,400 But then, I don't know... 56 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:52,280 She had this stuff between her fingers. I was picking it out. 57 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,200 - They were beautiful. - Aw. 58 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:10,040 So, Joy tells me that you two are pretty serious. 59 00:04:11,947 --> 00:04:16,420 Yeah. Well, we've been married quite a long time now. 60 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:21,999 Oh. Yeah, you mean...? 61 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,240 The other you two. 62 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:30,439 Yeah. Yeah, I suppose... 63 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,519 I suppose we have... 64 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:35,519 ended up a little more serious than anticipated. 65 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,680 Hey, look, I think it's cool. 66 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:41,079 Which bit? 67 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,800 The whole deal. 68 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:50,720 So, you're not finding this incredibly strange? 69 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:54,760 Every problem contains the seeds of its own solution. 70 00:04:55,282 --> 00:04:57,120 You know who said that? 71 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:00,519 Erm... 72 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:02,200 SLURPING 73 00:05:05,016 --> 00:05:07,199 Marc seems cool. 74 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:10,159 Ah, I think so. Yeah, he works at the zoo. 75 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:14,119 I don't know if Alan mentioned or...? I mean, not as a zookeeper, 76 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:15,920 - as a first aider. - Oh. 77 00:05:16,580 --> 00:05:17,780 The kiss of life? 78 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,759 When I was a kid, we lived on a main road. 79 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:28,929 - My mother was a fanatic lover of cats. - Oh. 80 00:05:28,930 --> 00:05:32,079 Problem was, every time a cat got run over, 81 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,103 the only thing that would cheer her up was another cat. 82 00:05:35,104 --> 00:05:36,860 THEY CHUCKLE 83 00:05:36,861 --> 00:05:38,027 I buried I don't even know 84 00:05:38,028 --> 00:05:41,880 how many felines at the bottom of that garden. 85 00:05:45,522 --> 00:05:47,359 I ran over a deer once. 86 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,119 Oh, my God! Where? 87 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:52,359 Well, mostly in the body, but also a bit in the head as well. 88 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,280 No, er, where were you? 89 00:05:55,042 --> 00:05:58,639 Oh! On the Lower Luton Road. 90 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:01,359 Ah. What did you do? 91 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:05,620 I put it in the boot of my car, drove it to the vet's. 92 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,560 It fitted in the boot of your car? 93 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,280 It was a mini one. 94 00:06:13,264 --> 00:06:15,303 Holy shit! You ran over Bambi. 95 00:06:15,304 --> 00:06:17,103 SHE SPLUTTERS AND LAUGHS 96 00:06:17,104 --> 00:06:20,663 - Oh, I can't, I can't. - Oh, you can, you can! 97 00:06:20,664 --> 00:06:23,223 You didn't tell me Marc has a daughter. 98 00:06:23,224 --> 00:06:25,543 - Er, that's because he doesn't. - What? 99 00:06:25,544 --> 00:06:27,943 Alan, he's winding you up. 100 00:06:27,944 --> 00:06:30,343 - No, it's true. - What? 101 00:06:30,344 --> 00:06:31,903 Later. 102 00:06:31,904 --> 00:06:35,780 To this blue world and all her countless sisters. 103 00:06:37,024 --> 00:06:38,623 OK. 104 00:06:38,624 --> 00:06:39,823 Number one, no question. 105 00:06:39,824 --> 00:06:44,063 Penguins. Penguins are sexy as hell. 106 00:06:44,064 --> 00:06:46,863 Yeah, and then I'd say any of the monkeys. 107 00:06:46,864 --> 00:06:50,463 And those African bullfrogs can be pretty kinky when they want to be. 108 00:06:50,464 --> 00:06:53,703 I do not believe you've seen penguins having sex! 109 00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:55,863 Oh, I can go one better than that, 110 00:06:55,864 --> 00:06:58,583 this one time I saw a whole bunch of penguins having a threesome. 111 00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:03,264 Oh, my God, guys! Look, look, look, look, look, look, look. 112 00:07:04,744 --> 00:07:06,183 Oh, n... 113 00:07:06,184 --> 00:07:11,623 ♪ Who... Come on! ..do you think you are? ♪ 114 00:07:11,624 --> 00:07:14,143 ♪ Do you think you are? ♪ 115 00:07:14,144 --> 00:07:19,703 ♪ Who... Some kind of superstar... ♪ 116 00:07:19,704 --> 00:07:23,503 ♪ All right, all right everything's going to be all right ♪ 117 00:07:23,504 --> 00:07:27,144 ♪ All right, all right it's really all right ♪ 118 00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:31,100 ♪ Everything's gonna be all right... ♪ 119 00:07:38,384 --> 00:07:41,943 ♪ Here comes the rain again ♪ 120 00:07:41,944 --> 00:07:45,703 ♪ Falling on my head like a memory ♪ 121 00:07:45,704 --> 00:07:50,064 ♪ Falling on my head like a new emotion ♪ 122 00:07:53,784 --> 00:07:57,543 ♪ I want to walk in the open wind ♪ 123 00:07:57,544 --> 00:08:01,383 ♪ I want to talk like lovers do ♪ 124 00:08:01,384 --> 00:08:04,183 ♪ I want to dive into your ocean ♪ 125 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:07,103 ♪ Is it raining with you? ♪ 126 00:08:07,104 --> 00:08:09,944 ♪ So, baby, talk to me ♪ 127 00:08:12,024 --> 00:08:14,664 ♪ Like lovers do ♪ 128 00:08:15,904 --> 00:08:19,623 ♪ Walk with me ♪ 129 00:08:19,624 --> 00:08:22,180 ♪ Like lovers do ♪ 130 00:08:24,024 --> 00:08:27,583 ♪ Talk to me ♪ 131 00:08:27,584 --> 00:08:31,464 ♪ Like lovers do... ♪ 132 00:08:37,264 --> 00:08:40,264 TOILETS FLUSH 133 00:08:43,304 --> 00:08:44,824 WATER FLOWS 134 00:08:47,424 --> 00:08:48,984 SHE LAUGHS 135 00:08:50,824 --> 00:08:52,024 You... 136 00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:01,344 SHE EXHALES 137 00:09:21,304 --> 00:09:24,144 DOOR OPENS LAUGHTER 138 00:09:27,944 --> 00:09:29,864 STIFLED LAUGHTER 139 00:09:31,344 --> 00:09:32,663 KEYS CLATTER 140 00:09:32,664 --> 00:09:34,344 WHISPERED: Sorry! 141 00:09:41,784 --> 00:09:44,824 Shh, shh, shh! OK... 142 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,624 - Yes! - HE LAUGHS 143 00:09:57,304 --> 00:09:59,824 BOTH LAUGH QUIETLY 144 00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:46,424 SHE HUMS A TUNE SOFTLY 145 00:11:33,224 --> 00:11:35,344 TRAIN HORN SOUNDS 146 00:11:47,304 --> 00:11:50,544 PHONE RINGS 147 00:11:56,344 --> 00:11:57,903 Hello? 148 00:11:57,904 --> 00:12:00,183 Hi. It's-it's Jason? 149 00:12:00,184 --> 00:12:03,663 Yeah. No. Hi. This is Laura. 150 00:12:03,664 --> 00:12:05,343 So, listen, er... Where are you? 151 00:12:05,344 --> 00:12:07,823 Er... Platform one. 152 00:12:07,824 --> 00:12:09,301 OK, look, Laura, 153 00:12:09,326 --> 00:12:11,103 I spent the weekend thinking about asking you out again. 154 00:12:11,104 --> 00:12:13,303 But then I didn't. For some pretty obvious reasons. 155 00:12:13,304 --> 00:12:16,583 Yeah, the fact that my mum used to be a... 156 00:12:16,584 --> 00:12:19,423 Yeah, that being the main... Pretty much reason number one. 157 00:12:19,424 --> 00:12:20,703 Yeah, there is that. 158 00:12:20,704 --> 00:12:22,448 But I don't know, this morning I just figured, 159 00:12:22,473 --> 00:12:23,783 what's the worst that could happen? 160 00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:26,497 Jason, I'm really sorry, 161 00:12:26,498 --> 00:12:28,980 but I'm not sure... 162 00:12:30,064 --> 00:12:31,743 I wish it was something I could just... 163 00:12:31,744 --> 00:12:34,343 No, listen, look, this was either going to go one of two ways. 164 00:12:34,344 --> 00:12:35,823 But the thought of... 165 00:12:35,824 --> 00:12:40,100 No, listen, I really appreciate your, er... candour. 166 00:12:42,584 --> 00:12:44,223 I'm really sorry. 167 00:12:44,224 --> 00:12:47,384 There's nothing to be sorry about. I'll speak to you later. OK? 168 00:13:02,064 --> 00:13:04,984 PHONE VIBRATES 169 00:13:08,544 --> 00:13:13,383 Hi, I don't know why I said what I just said. 170 00:13:13,384 --> 00:13:17,463 I want to see you again and I think it's, you know, 171 00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:20,583 it's her problem not ours, and I don't really care. 172 00:13:20,584 --> 00:13:24,374 So, if you want to try asking me out again, 173 00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:27,620 I think I'm probably ready now with a better answer. 174 00:13:29,264 --> 00:13:31,864 ALARM CLOCK RINGS 175 00:13:48,384 --> 00:13:49,820 Shit. 176 00:13:50,384 --> 00:13:52,584 HE GROANS 177 00:13:56,984 --> 00:13:58,544 HE WINCES 178 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,160 _ 179 00:14:13,584 --> 00:14:15,984 - So, how did it go? - How did what go? 180 00:14:16,660 --> 00:14:19,144 The party. With Jennifer. Obviously. 181 00:14:19,617 --> 00:14:21,177 I don't know. It was like... 182 00:14:24,024 --> 00:14:25,423 I don't understand? 183 00:14:25,424 --> 00:14:26,663 What don't you understand? 184 00:14:26,664 --> 00:14:29,649 Well, you were just in the middle of saying something 185 00:14:29,674 --> 00:14:31,584 and then you just sort of stopped. 186 00:14:32,060 --> 00:14:35,143 It was sort of like... I don't know, it was fine. 187 00:14:35,144 --> 00:14:39,540 We like, we talked for a bit, and then, I don't know. 188 00:14:40,264 --> 00:14:43,281 OK, well, well done for making this 189 00:14:43,306 --> 00:14:44,903 a shit-tonne weirder than it needed to be. 190 00:14:44,904 --> 00:14:46,745 Well, I honestly, like, you know, 191 00:14:46,770 --> 00:14:48,783 I'm honestly not trying to be, like, evasive, or whatever. 192 00:14:48,784 --> 00:14:50,903 Well, then it's easy, stop being evasive and just tell me. 193 00:14:50,904 --> 00:14:52,903 Well, it's not like that much actually even happened so... 194 00:14:52,904 --> 00:14:54,540 You do realise that... 195 00:14:57,664 --> 00:15:00,023 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't understand. 196 00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:03,023 How is this, like, how is me not telling you stuff, like... 197 00:15:03,024 --> 00:15:06,362 You just... You asked me to do a thing that most people, 198 00:15:06,387 --> 00:15:08,703 most people I'm pretty certain would... 199 00:15:08,704 --> 00:15:10,437 Well, she told me some stuff that I'm pretty certain 200 00:15:10,462 --> 00:15:11,863 is predominantly private, so... 201 00:15:11,864 --> 00:15:13,347 Well, I'm not asking you about her. I'm asking you about you. 202 00:15:13,348 --> 00:15:14,883 Then, fine! Then, like, what the fuck? 203 00:15:14,908 --> 00:15:16,294 Why're you like shouting at me all of a sudden? 204 00:15:16,295 --> 00:15:19,220 Because you're being genuinely remedial. And it's annoying as fuck. 205 00:15:22,069 --> 00:15:23,308 Fine. We kissed. 206 00:15:23,309 --> 00:15:25,228 And it was weird because she used her tongue. 207 00:15:25,229 --> 00:15:27,377 And it was like, tongue, tongue, tongue, tongue, tongue. 208 00:15:27,378 --> 00:15:29,636 And I was like, well, this is fucking weird, because... 209 00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:31,780 Cos I'm kissing her but actually, I'm... 210 00:15:32,789 --> 00:15:34,429 I liked it better when we were. 211 00:15:36,589 --> 00:15:39,187 - So, why didn't you come and find me? - I did. 212 00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:41,228 - I literally tried looking for you. - When? 213 00:15:41,229 --> 00:15:42,588 - Like, afterwards. - After what? 214 00:15:42,589 --> 00:15:45,428 After the whole weird tonguing-virgin encounter thing. 215 00:15:45,429 --> 00:15:47,229 Well, obviously I'd left by then. 216 00:15:50,989 --> 00:15:52,549 Well, I'm... 217 00:15:56,509 --> 00:15:58,380 Look, I'm sorry. 218 00:15:59,589 --> 00:16:01,429 I should've come and tr... 219 00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:07,988 WOLF WHISTLES 220 00:16:07,989 --> 00:16:10,709 - Holy shit! - Shit just got real. 221 00:16:29,469 --> 00:16:31,429 How are you, Alan? 222 00:16:31,454 --> 00:16:33,734 Good. Yeah. 223 00:16:33,759 --> 00:16:35,079 Really good. 224 00:16:35,149 --> 00:16:38,388 Remind me, did the Lewis Druxman situation... 225 00:16:38,389 --> 00:16:40,509 Everything was OK in the end? 226 00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:46,354 I, er, I e-mailed his parents and they could completely see 227 00:16:46,379 --> 00:16:48,328 where we were coming from. 228 00:16:48,768 --> 00:16:50,008 Good. 229 00:16:53,829 --> 00:16:57,708 And how are things at home, Alan? Everything's OK? 230 00:16:57,709 --> 00:16:58,869 How're the kids? 231 00:17:02,509 --> 00:17:03,788 Great. 232 00:17:03,789 --> 00:17:05,949 That's great... to hear. 233 00:17:07,029 --> 00:17:09,420 It's great to hear everyone's doing... 234 00:17:11,342 --> 00:17:13,622 Oh. Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan. 235 00:17:15,295 --> 00:17:16,815 OK, look. 236 00:17:19,269 --> 00:17:21,188 I don't know quite how to... 237 00:17:21,189 --> 00:17:23,020 So I, I think I'm just going to... 238 00:17:25,589 --> 00:17:28,229 Deep breath here, and... 239 00:17:31,429 --> 00:17:33,068 OK. 240 00:17:33,069 --> 00:17:36,548 She trained originally as a psychologist. 241 00:17:36,549 --> 00:17:39,388 Specialising in traumatic brain injuries. 242 00:17:39,389 --> 00:17:41,188 Do you think I've got a traumatic brain injury? 243 00:17:41,189 --> 00:17:45,028 Followed by a stint at the University of Hertfordshire. 244 00:17:45,029 --> 00:17:48,588 So, she's up to speed and looking forward to hearing from you. 245 00:17:48,589 --> 00:17:49,949 Cool. 246 00:17:54,589 --> 00:17:56,549 She, er, she came round for dinner. 247 00:17:58,542 --> 00:17:59,702 OK. 248 00:17:59,727 --> 00:18:02,527 Talked about you for a bit. The fact that we're... 249 00:18:03,182 --> 00:18:04,542 I see. 250 00:18:05,808 --> 00:18:07,408 She was kind of pissed off. 251 00:18:11,469 --> 00:18:13,149 Then we... 252 00:18:14,355 --> 00:18:15,835 Then we had sex. 253 00:18:18,909 --> 00:18:21,355 - Jason, you know what... - And then actually we had sex again. 254 00:18:21,356 --> 00:18:22,651 We, we really... 255 00:18:22,676 --> 00:18:24,188 And actually we're meeting up again, so... 256 00:18:24,189 --> 00:18:25,948 Jason I think it's probably best if we... 257 00:18:25,949 --> 00:18:30,509 No, I'm saying, I'm just saying, for your information. 258 00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:40,389 So, listen, er... 259 00:18:42,069 --> 00:18:43,100 I mean... 260 00:18:44,069 --> 00:18:45,309 thanks. 261 00:18:46,555 --> 00:18:47,795 You're very welcome. 262 00:19:12,789 --> 00:19:14,228 Hey. 263 00:19:14,229 --> 00:19:17,949 Can you think of any decent antonyms for falling? 264 00:19:22,669 --> 00:19:23,789 What's up? 265 00:19:26,149 --> 00:19:27,429 Janet knows. 266 00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:30,829 I mean, I told her. 267 00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:35,029 Someone saw us. 268 00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:37,548 Who? 269 00:19:37,549 --> 00:19:39,269 She wouldn't say. 270 00:19:39,980 --> 00:19:44,308 But they, whoever it was, they went to her and they said... 271 00:19:44,309 --> 00:19:47,708 So, Janet thinks we're having an affair? No. Great. 272 00:19:47,709 --> 00:19:49,228 Well, she... She did. 273 00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:51,909 But then I explained. 274 00:19:52,989 --> 00:19:57,708 - You explained...? - The arrangement in general. 275 00:19:57,709 --> 00:20:00,760 Oh! Shit the fucking bed, Alan. No, you did not! 276 00:20:00,785 --> 00:20:02,108 Yeah. 277 00:20:02,109 --> 00:20:04,629 I said, I said, yeah. 278 00:20:05,669 --> 00:20:08,268 It's, it's not... It's not an affair. 279 00:20:08,269 --> 00:20:10,269 This, this is the deal. 280 00:20:11,222 --> 00:20:14,662 We feel very strongly toward one another. 281 00:20:14,789 --> 00:20:19,268 My wife is, is on... Joy is on board, too. 282 00:20:19,269 --> 00:20:20,748 Seeing someone as well. 283 00:20:20,749 --> 00:20:25,411 Albeit they're not quite as into, let's say, as you and I, 284 00:20:25,412 --> 00:20:29,300 but everything thus far is based on a... 285 00:20:30,481 --> 00:20:32,761 ...mutual trust and understanding. 286 00:20:35,229 --> 00:20:36,468 What did Janet say? 287 00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:37,948 BELL RINGS 288 00:20:37,949 --> 00:20:40,828 Alan, you dark fucking horse. 289 00:20:40,829 --> 00:20:44,149 I hope I haven't put us in an awkward position. 290 00:20:46,949 --> 00:20:48,509 You know what I mean. 291 00:20:56,469 --> 00:20:58,509 OK, bye! 292 00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:03,908 Delivery for number 18. 293 00:21:03,909 --> 00:21:06,092 I'm in a, in a bit of a hurry, 294 00:21:06,117 --> 00:21:08,348 - let me see if... Naomi! - Mmm? 295 00:21:08,349 --> 00:21:11,549 I will leave you in the very capable hands of my... 296 00:21:13,509 --> 00:21:14,869 Sign here. 297 00:21:17,269 --> 00:21:18,309 Thanks. 298 00:21:20,269 --> 00:21:22,029 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 299 00:21:40,669 --> 00:21:41,949 DOOR BELL BUZZES 300 00:21:50,789 --> 00:21:54,668 Listen... Babe, it's up to you. 301 00:21:54,669 --> 00:21:56,429 I don't mind. 302 00:21:58,182 --> 00:21:59,822 Why are you being like this? 303 00:21:59,847 --> 00:22:01,287 It's fine, it's fine with me. 304 00:22:16,275 --> 00:22:18,435 You ever see that film My Girl? 305 00:22:20,460 --> 00:22:23,053 It's about this girl, this little girl, 306 00:22:23,054 --> 00:22:24,794 she's best mates with the little kid 307 00:22:24,819 --> 00:22:26,093 - from Home Alone? - Yes. 308 00:22:28,629 --> 00:22:32,068 And he gets stung by what is essentially 309 00:22:32,069 --> 00:22:34,508 an entire hive-load of bees. 310 00:22:34,509 --> 00:22:36,749 And he's... He's allergic. 311 00:22:38,769 --> 00:22:40,249 So he dies. 312 00:22:42,255 --> 00:22:46,060 And on the day of funeral, she ends up running in, right, 313 00:22:47,228 --> 00:22:51,228 and it's an open casket, which, when you really think about it, 314 00:22:51,253 --> 00:22:54,733 seems positively perverse, but anyway, she runs in, 315 00:22:54,758 --> 00:22:56,540 she runs up to Home Alone's casket... 316 00:22:57,389 --> 00:23:02,589 And she's fucking distraught, right, cos he hasn't got his glasses on. 317 00:23:05,829 --> 00:23:09,748 And she starts screaming, like, "Where the fuck are his glasses?" 318 00:23:09,749 --> 00:23:12,868 I mean she doesn't say "fuck", obviously, cos it's a kid's film, 319 00:23:12,869 --> 00:23:15,389 but the point is, she knew how bad his prescription was. 320 00:23:18,109 --> 00:23:20,589 Yesterday when I went into see, erm... 321 00:23:23,269 --> 00:23:24,909 He didn't have his glasses on. 322 00:23:26,368 --> 00:23:30,128 And they gave me this little doggy bag, you know... 323 00:23:32,069 --> 00:23:33,469 ...with all his... 324 00:23:52,349 --> 00:23:54,308 This area is a Pay-and-Display. 325 00:23:54,309 --> 00:23:57,228 Yeah, we're just, we're actually, erm, we're just leaving. 326 00:23:57,229 --> 00:23:59,508 OK, but next time, the thing to do is... 327 00:23:59,509 --> 00:24:01,908 Yeah, we're very sorry, but as I say... 328 00:24:01,909 --> 00:24:03,469 ENGINE STARTS 329 00:24:08,989 --> 00:24:14,149 MUSIC: [CAROL BY CHUCK BERRY] 330 00:24:20,229 --> 00:24:21,349 Aw! 331 00:24:25,629 --> 00:24:31,829 MUSIC ON SOUNDTRACK DROWNS SPEECH 332 00:24:50,589 --> 00:24:53,148 Do you remember that place we went to in France that time? 333 00:24:53,149 --> 00:24:55,980 Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course I do. 334 00:24:57,149 --> 00:25:00,148 Amazing sausages. 335 00:25:00,149 --> 00:25:01,868 Oui. 336 00:25:01,869 --> 00:25:03,349 Jamon. 337 00:25:13,082 --> 00:25:14,780 SHE LAUGHS 338 00:25:22,709 --> 00:25:25,509 I can't believe you made me...! 339 00:25:30,549 --> 00:25:34,068 - Lawrence... - Sorry, I shouldn't have done that. 340 00:25:34,069 --> 00:25:38,308 No, look, it's... there's a lot... 341 00:25:38,309 --> 00:25:40,460 It's OK, we don't need to. 342 00:25:43,389 --> 00:25:44,749 I just think I'm a bit... 343 00:25:46,675 --> 00:25:48,435 Yeah. 344 00:25:48,589 --> 00:25:50,580 Yeah, and that's all right. 345 00:25:50,829 --> 00:25:54,388 But I need to be really clear. 346 00:25:54,389 --> 00:25:56,509 Because, I mean, you know as well as I do. 347 00:25:58,062 --> 00:25:59,940 But things are, er... 348 00:26:01,389 --> 00:26:03,028 different now. 349 00:26:03,029 --> 00:26:04,109 And, erm... 350 00:26:07,029 --> 00:26:11,469 ...I think it's, I think it's important that we acknowledge... 351 00:26:15,309 --> 00:26:17,456 No, you know what? Would you mind, could you walk? 352 00:26:17,481 --> 00:26:19,070 Would you mind? Is that all right with you? 353 00:26:19,071 --> 00:26:20,125 Home? 354 00:26:20,150 --> 00:26:22,828 Yeah, walking home, yes, yes, that's what I saying. 355 00:26:22,829 --> 00:26:24,460 Joy, I... 356 00:26:25,149 --> 00:26:28,228 No, you know what? Actually, yeah, I, I would really love it 357 00:26:28,229 --> 00:26:30,868 if you could just, erm, please get out of the car now, please. 358 00:26:30,869 --> 00:26:33,868 - I don't even have proper shoes on. - Well, whose fault is that? 359 00:26:33,869 --> 00:26:36,268 Listen, I'll walk home if you really want me to. 360 00:26:36,269 --> 00:26:38,748 Yeah, I think... Yeah, I think... 361 00:26:38,749 --> 00:26:40,469 - Really? - Yeah. Yeah. 362 00:26:54,448 --> 00:26:56,608 Wait, I don't understand. 363 00:26:56,709 --> 00:26:58,428 What do you mean you're still going to go? 364 00:26:58,429 --> 00:27:01,348 Well, the tickets already came through, so... 365 00:27:01,349 --> 00:27:03,395 Well, why not just give them to her 366 00:27:03,420 --> 00:27:05,188 instead of actually having to go with her? 367 00:27:05,189 --> 00:27:07,148 Or you two could go. 368 00:27:07,149 --> 00:27:09,233 But I said. I already said, like, 369 00:27:09,258 --> 00:27:11,347 if the tickets come through, would you want to go? 370 00:27:11,348 --> 00:27:13,589 And she was like, "Yeah, no, I fucking love Zadie Smith." 371 00:27:16,869 --> 00:27:19,223 Well, it's not like it's a date. 372 00:27:19,224 --> 00:27:21,548 That's true, it's going to be fucking dry. 373 00:27:21,549 --> 00:27:27,308 I'd be cool if you wanted to, like, wanted to go with some other someone 374 00:27:27,309 --> 00:27:30,189 to, like, an exhibition or something. 375 00:27:31,949 --> 00:27:33,548 Wow. 376 00:27:33,549 --> 00:27:34,869 What a hero. 377 00:27:39,989 --> 00:27:41,349 OK... 378 00:27:42,629 --> 00:27:43,669 Look at me. 379 00:27:44,909 --> 00:27:47,712 I want you to imagine yourself in, like, a week, 380 00:27:47,737 --> 00:27:49,428 or a month, and you're looking back. 381 00:27:49,429 --> 00:27:52,593 You're thinking back on what just happened. And you're not together. 382 00:27:52,594 --> 00:27:55,489 It lasted, like, literally less than a day 383 00:27:55,514 --> 00:27:58,948 cos of the weird inane shit you just spouted. 384 00:27:58,949 --> 00:28:01,588 And I want you to think how that's going to feel. 385 00:28:01,589 --> 00:28:04,076 And if you think that future you is going to be cool 386 00:28:04,101 --> 00:28:06,860 with how this conversation just went down, then... 387 00:28:08,909 --> 00:28:12,429 ...it's like I literally don't even know who you are any more. 388 00:28:14,269 --> 00:28:16,389 HE MAKES EXPLOSION SOUND 389 00:28:21,149 --> 00:28:24,789 DOORBELL PLAYS "WESTMINSTER QUARTERS" 390 00:28:32,549 --> 00:28:35,028 - Hi. - Oh, my goodness. 391 00:28:35,029 --> 00:28:38,268 Oh, that's very kind of you. Here, let me take that. 392 00:28:38,269 --> 00:28:41,228 - This is actually one of, like, four. - It's not! 393 00:28:41,229 --> 00:28:46,268 Er... Let me come and... No, I, erm... How shall we do this? 394 00:28:46,269 --> 00:28:50,508 Why don't we do this one first, and then we can sort out the rest? 395 00:28:50,509 --> 00:28:52,989 Yes. Come in. Thank you. 396 00:29:09,069 --> 00:29:13,908 ♪ I don't know where I'm going Don't know where I... ♪ 397 00:29:13,909 --> 00:29:15,469 SHE GASPS 398 00:29:36,589 --> 00:29:39,388 BOTH AT ONCE: Joy, I had to tell Janet. Alan, Lawrence tried to kiss me. 399 00:29:39,389 --> 00:29:40,869 What? 400 00:29:44,629 --> 00:29:46,948 Why? When? 401 00:29:46,949 --> 00:29:49,948 Today. This afternoon. His dad died, so we went bowling. 402 00:29:49,949 --> 00:29:51,560 - You went bowling? - Ten pin. 403 00:29:51,585 --> 00:29:53,988 You went ten pin bowling with... 404 00:29:53,989 --> 00:29:56,548 Yeah, well, the idea was to try and take his mind off... 405 00:29:56,549 --> 00:29:58,468 And he, he what? 406 00:29:58,469 --> 00:30:01,388 - In between balls, he tried to...? - Afterwards. It was afterwards. 407 00:30:01,389 --> 00:30:03,428 Mmm-hmm. And what did you, what did you do? 408 00:30:03,429 --> 00:30:05,948 - I asked him to get out the car. - This was in the car? 409 00:30:05,949 --> 00:30:09,908 - Well, I've already sent him an e-mail. - Oh. Oh, all right. 410 00:30:09,909 --> 00:30:12,108 Well, I mean, if you've sent him an e-mail, 411 00:30:12,109 --> 00:30:13,505 I guess we can safely say... 412 00:30:13,530 --> 00:30:15,428 Yeah, to explain in no uncertain terms... 413 00:30:15,429 --> 00:30:16,869 Am I allowed to see it? 414 00:30:18,909 --> 00:30:21,549 This e-mail to end all e-mails? 415 00:30:22,989 --> 00:30:24,989 Wow. OK, well, that... 416 00:30:28,202 --> 00:30:31,122 I see what you mean, it's actually quite strongly worded. 417 00:30:33,902 --> 00:30:36,302 I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... I'm sorry. 418 00:30:38,669 --> 00:30:39,989 What a weasel. 419 00:31:54,515 --> 00:31:56,195 Want to try it lying down? 420 00:32:06,269 --> 00:32:08,789 Sure you don't want to try lying...? 421 00:32:41,629 --> 00:32:43,869 Oh, that's good. Yes. 422 00:32:49,989 --> 00:32:52,388 OK, OK, look... 423 00:32:52,389 --> 00:32:54,668 - Fine, forget it. - Don't get pissed off. 424 00:32:54,669 --> 00:32:56,989 - I'm not. I'm not. - It's late. 425 00:32:59,269 --> 00:33:01,188 Joy, you're not allowed to... 426 00:33:01,189 --> 00:33:03,669 I'm not. I'm not anything. I'm... 427 00:33:05,789 --> 00:33:06,989 I'm really not. 428 00:33:55,069 --> 00:33:56,229 - So... - Mmm. 429 00:33:57,349 --> 00:34:00,028 What made you want to purchase a trampoline? 430 00:34:00,029 --> 00:34:01,749 Shopping channel. 431 00:34:03,269 --> 00:34:04,508 - That's cool. - Mmm-hmm. 432 00:34:04,509 --> 00:34:07,628 I've always found them to be very reasonable. 433 00:34:07,629 --> 00:34:09,029 Do you buy lots? 434 00:34:10,709 --> 00:34:12,389 Maybe. 435 00:34:16,675 --> 00:34:19,195 Best thing you bought, worst thing you bought? 436 00:34:19,220 --> 00:34:20,963 Oh. Well. 437 00:34:20,988 --> 00:34:22,420 Erm... 438 00:34:23,309 --> 00:34:27,268 One of the best things I've bought, at least recently, 439 00:34:27,269 --> 00:34:31,189 I'd probably have to say, erm... 440 00:34:32,509 --> 00:34:34,629 Round neck, short-sleeved kaftan. 441 00:34:36,269 --> 00:34:41,588 Worst buy. Erm... Oh, there was a mulberry and fig candle 442 00:34:41,589 --> 00:34:45,988 that seemed to smell of neither mulberries nor figs. 443 00:34:45,989 --> 00:34:49,908 I am increasingly certain almost all candles are bullshit. 444 00:34:49,909 --> 00:34:51,868 Well, they're handy in a powercut. 445 00:34:51,869 --> 00:34:54,940 - Use your phone. - I don't have a phone. 446 00:34:55,469 --> 00:34:56,988 What? 447 00:34:56,989 --> 00:34:59,788 - Well, smartphone, sorry. - I don't have a smartphone. 448 00:34:59,789 --> 00:35:02,309 - No! What?! - Sorry! 449 00:35:04,309 --> 00:35:05,980 Wow. 450 00:35:06,789 --> 00:35:09,180 Your attention span must be, like... 451 00:35:09,869 --> 00:35:11,109 Normal? 452 00:35:21,589 --> 00:35:23,789 Well, another thing, of course, is... 453 00:35:28,309 --> 00:35:29,349 Sorry. 454 00:35:32,109 --> 00:35:33,149 No. 455 00:35:42,869 --> 00:35:45,269 To be fair, it does have a torch on the back. 456 00:35:55,909 --> 00:35:58,548 Why would you put a camera on a turtle? 457 00:35:58,549 --> 00:36:00,308 Why wouldn't you? 458 00:36:00,309 --> 00:36:03,269 PHONE VIBRATES 459 00:36:06,149 --> 00:36:09,309 ANSWER SERVICE: The person you have called is not available. 460 00:36:12,389 --> 00:36:14,616 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. 461 00:36:14,617 --> 00:36:16,735 You're saying you're taking us off the raffle? 462 00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:17,948 Yes. 463 00:36:17,949 --> 00:36:20,828 - Because of these complaints. - They're not complaints. 464 00:36:20,829 --> 00:36:22,256 Well, whatever it is we're calling them, 465 00:36:22,281 --> 00:36:23,688 the point is that we're no longer... 466 00:36:23,689 --> 00:36:26,748 How many are there? I mean how many're we talking? 467 00:36:26,749 --> 00:36:29,428 Ten. 11. 12. 468 00:36:29,429 --> 00:36:32,319 - Well, Janet, is it ten or is it 12? - Which is it? 469 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:33,420 - 15. 470 00:36:33,445 --> 00:36:35,068 - 15? - 15? 471 00:36:35,069 --> 00:36:37,748 - Who are these people? - What're they pissed off about? 472 00:36:37,749 --> 00:36:41,268 - Well... - More to the point, how do they know? 473 00:36:41,269 --> 00:36:44,628 They, these friends of ours, they said, they explained, 474 00:36:44,629 --> 00:36:48,308 that they'd written to the... at their daughter's school, 475 00:36:48,309 --> 00:36:52,655 to express their... concern. 476 00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:56,308 Anyway, then they said that the irony is, of course, 477 00:36:56,309 --> 00:37:00,268 that his wife's a professional therapist, 478 00:37:00,269 --> 00:37:01,900 that they ought to know better. 479 00:37:02,389 --> 00:37:04,468 Janet, come on, come on, this is... 480 00:37:04,469 --> 00:37:07,629 All right, all right, all right. 481 00:37:10,749 --> 00:37:12,388 I had to tell Mike. 482 00:37:12,389 --> 00:37:13,828 - Fucking Mike! - Mike! 483 00:37:13,829 --> 00:37:14,886 Because originally... 484 00:37:14,911 --> 00:37:17,028 - So, he was the one who saw us? - So, what did you tell him? 485 00:37:17,029 --> 00:37:20,468 - The truth. Janet, why on earth...? - Mike is such a fucking ballsack. 486 00:37:20,469 --> 00:37:22,469 I am in a position of responsibility. 487 00:37:23,789 --> 00:37:27,948 If a colleague, if an employee, if they come to me, and they say, 488 00:37:27,949 --> 00:37:29,868 - they say, Janet... - Yeah, but you... 489 00:37:29,869 --> 00:37:32,628 Janet, no-one has done anything wrong. 490 00:37:32,629 --> 00:37:36,508 It is not affecting the work. We're fine with it. 491 00:37:36,509 --> 00:37:40,868 Both of you know, as well as I do, this is a small town. 492 00:37:40,869 --> 00:37:43,908 - Small-fucking-minded. - Technically, it's a city. 493 00:37:43,909 --> 00:37:46,948 All I am asking, if not a little bit begging, 494 00:37:46,949 --> 00:37:48,740 is, please... 495 00:37:49,189 --> 00:37:51,428 forget about the fundraiser. Put it out of your minds. 496 00:37:51,429 --> 00:37:54,540 Go and do whatever it is the two of you... 497 00:37:55,460 --> 00:38:00,388 And then next week, fresh start, we'll sit down, we three, 498 00:38:00,389 --> 00:38:02,549 we'll try to work out the best way to... 499 00:38:04,589 --> 00:38:05,940 All right? 500 00:38:06,469 --> 00:38:09,109 The real sticking point for Elaine... 501 00:38:12,549 --> 00:38:18,109 ...I suppose that she feels there's a certain degree of hypocrisy. 502 00:38:21,549 --> 00:38:23,190 Entrusting our marriage to someone, 503 00:38:23,215 --> 00:38:25,653 whose own marriage, is so clearly in a state of... 504 00:38:27,509 --> 00:38:28,949 ...disarray. 505 00:38:30,909 --> 00:38:31,949 And it's funny, 506 00:38:31,974 --> 00:38:37,388 because they know there's a certain amount of infidelity involved. 507 00:38:37,389 --> 00:38:40,389 You know, every time I come here to see you, I see the same man leaving. 508 00:38:41,589 --> 00:38:44,988 But for that 50 minutes, that one hour, 509 00:38:44,989 --> 00:38:48,548 once or twice a week, or whatever it is, we do our best to offer 510 00:38:48,549 --> 00:38:53,028 complete and utter exclusivity. 511 00:38:53,029 --> 00:38:54,349 And when it works... 512 00:38:56,149 --> 00:38:57,189 But when it doesn't... 513 00:38:58,621 --> 00:38:59,821 When it doesn't...? 514 00:39:02,949 --> 00:39:05,828 - It's the responsibility. - Because it's all on you? 515 00:39:05,829 --> 00:39:09,228 Well, I'm there to be whatever it is that person needs me to be. 516 00:39:09,229 --> 00:39:12,709 And so if something is not quite... 517 00:39:14,748 --> 00:39:17,988 - Clicking? - Yes, then it just feels so... 518 00:39:23,142 --> 00:39:25,222 Can you give me a particular example? 519 00:39:30,962 --> 00:39:33,802 He'd been unfaithful. Repeatedly. 520 00:39:35,315 --> 00:39:39,275 They'd been trying for children, for a number of years, and... 521 00:39:40,669 --> 00:39:42,549 And...? 522 00:39:45,309 --> 00:39:49,109 I had a... I had a hard time liking him. 523 00:39:50,788 --> 00:39:52,508 I don't think he liked me. 524 00:39:55,608 --> 00:39:57,648 He had this way, it was quite... 525 00:39:59,909 --> 00:40:01,149 ...stand-offish. 526 00:40:02,629 --> 00:40:05,268 - Brutish. - What, to you, or in general? 527 00:40:05,269 --> 00:40:06,949 Bit of both, I think. 528 00:40:08,669 --> 00:40:11,483 And I really struggled, you know, why isn't this working? 529 00:40:11,484 --> 00:40:12,940 Why won't he...? 530 00:40:14,189 --> 00:40:18,229 And occasionally I even found myself dreading the prospect of... 531 00:40:23,189 --> 00:40:26,309 And then one day, out of the blue, he, erm... 532 00:40:35,469 --> 00:40:39,349 This was after eight, nine months, working together. 533 00:40:42,589 --> 00:40:44,709 They said it was the last call... 534 00:40:49,561 --> 00:40:51,081 ...he made. 535 00:41:04,309 --> 00:41:07,308 Joy, I'm... I'm struck by something you said a moment ago. 536 00:41:07,309 --> 00:41:14,148 You said, erm, "It's my job to be whoever it is they need me to be." 537 00:41:14,149 --> 00:41:17,915 In which case, I wonder if it's possible to... 538 00:41:17,916 --> 00:41:22,909 to talk about a time where you've experienced feeling... 539 00:41:27,829 --> 00:41:29,788 ...yourself. 540 00:41:29,789 --> 00:41:37,069 Not playing a role, or a version of a role, but you. Yourself. Joy. 541 00:41:41,549 --> 00:41:44,149 MUSIC PLAYS 542 00:42:13,186 --> 00:42:14,359 - Hey. - Hi! 543 00:42:14,384 --> 00:42:17,349 - Sorry I'm late. - Time's pretty relative. 544 00:42:30,069 --> 00:42:31,549 Are you OK? 545 00:42:34,309 --> 00:42:35,789 You seem sort of... 546 00:42:38,189 --> 00:42:41,548 Yeah, no, I don't think I can do this. I'm sorry. 547 00:42:41,549 --> 00:42:43,534 OK. But you should, definitely. 548 00:42:43,535 --> 00:42:47,708 You should definitely... But I definitely shouldn't. Oh, fuck. 549 00:42:47,709 --> 00:42:49,829 It's OK. I can just call my sister. 550 00:42:53,789 --> 00:42:56,469 I think I might be in love with my best friend. 551 00:42:56,980 --> 00:42:59,229 Yeah, no shit. 552 00:43:01,829 --> 00:43:03,389 Tom, this isn't a date. 553 00:43:07,949 --> 00:43:11,148 Make sure you ask her about that bit in Autograph Man. 554 00:43:11,149 --> 00:43:13,909 OK. I'm going to have to... Sorry, I'm so sorry. 555 00:43:44,149 --> 00:43:46,588 Got you a pornstar martini. 556 00:43:46,589 --> 00:43:48,428 Happy Hour, so it's two for one. 557 00:43:48,429 --> 00:43:49,700 Bargain. 558 00:43:50,229 --> 00:43:51,269 Cheers. 559 00:43:54,629 --> 00:43:56,229 And we're... 560 00:43:57,989 --> 00:44:00,260 We're sure about this, are we? 561 00:44:01,189 --> 00:44:02,669 I'd say so. 562 00:44:05,949 --> 00:44:09,108 All we're here to do is raise some money for a questionable cause, 563 00:44:09,109 --> 00:44:10,669 same as everyone else. 564 00:44:17,189 --> 00:44:21,429 MUSIC: [NEED YOU TONIGHT BY INXS] 565 00:44:28,989 --> 00:44:31,829 ♪ All you've got is this moment 566 00:44:33,549 --> 00:44:35,869 ♪ The 21st century was yesterday 567 00:44:37,589 --> 00:44:39,389 ♪ You can care all you want ♪ 568 00:44:41,889 --> 00:44:46,089 ♪ Everybody does, yeah That's OK ♪ 569 00:44:47,589 --> 00:44:52,108 ♪ So slide over here And give me a moment ♪ 570 00:44:52,109 --> 00:44:56,508 ♪ Your moves are so raw I've got to let you know ♪ 571 00:44:56,509 --> 00:44:58,709 ♪ I've got to let you know ♪ 572 00:45:00,189 --> 00:45:02,389 ♪ You're one of my kind ♪ 573 00:45:08,589 --> 00:45:11,309 ♪ I need you tonight ♪ 574 00:45:13,029 --> 00:45:15,469 ♪ Cos I'm not sleeping ♪ 575 00:45:17,469 --> 00:45:21,908 ♪ There's something about you, girl ♪ 576 00:45:21,909 --> 00:45:24,309 ♪ That makes me sweat ♪ 577 00:45:27,589 --> 00:45:31,988 ♪ How do you feel? I'm lonely 578 00:45:31,989 --> 00:45:36,668 ♪ What do you think? Can't think at all ♪ 579 00:45:36,669 --> 00:45:40,748 ♪ What you gonna do? Gonna live my life ♪ 580 00:45:40,749 --> 00:45:45,068 ♪ So slide over here And give me a moment ♪ 581 00:45:45,069 --> 00:45:49,428 ♪ Your moves are so raw I've got to let you know ♪ 582 00:45:49,429 --> 00:45:51,629 ♪ I've got to let you know ♪ 583 00:45:53,069 --> 00:45:55,789 ♪ You're one of my kind ♪ 584 00:46:01,669 --> 00:46:04,269 ♪ I need you tonight ♪ 585 00:46:06,149 --> 00:46:08,309 ♪ Cos I'm not sleeping ♪ 586 00:46:10,429 --> 00:46:14,868 ♪ There's something about you, girl ♪ 587 00:46:14,869 --> 00:46:17,029 ♪ That makes me sweat ♪ 588 00:46:20,549 --> 00:46:24,108 ♪ So how do you feel? I'm lonely. ♪ 589 00:46:24,109 --> 00:46:26,029 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 590 00:46:29,949 --> 00:46:33,940 So, hello. Good evening, and a very warm welcome to you all. 591 00:46:34,749 --> 00:46:38,908 For those of you who don't know me, my name is Janet Malherbe and 592 00:46:38,909 --> 00:46:42,300 I'm the, er... 593 00:46:44,349 --> 00:46:49,668 I'm the... Deputy Head here at Paul Anderson. 594 00:46:49,669 --> 00:46:52,148 And also the... 595 00:46:52,149 --> 00:46:56,748 I chair the committee responsible for 596 00:46:56,749 --> 00:46:59,069 tonight's wonderful event. 597 00:47:01,189 --> 00:47:04,029 APPLAUSE 598 00:47:44,069 --> 00:47:46,988 Laura, I was married. And I really fucking loved her. 599 00:47:46,989 --> 00:47:49,428 And I feel like I want to be able to say that to you. 600 00:47:49,429 --> 00:47:52,860 But then there's this other thing as well. And... 601 00:47:53,469 --> 00:47:56,829 I'm worried that if I... If I say it, you're going to... 602 00:48:02,829 --> 00:48:04,829 She killed herself. 603 00:48:08,389 --> 00:48:09,749 And I don't know. 604 00:48:11,628 --> 00:48:13,108 I miss her sometimes. 605 00:48:14,789 --> 00:48:16,708 So much I don't know what to do about it. 606 00:48:16,709 --> 00:48:18,860 I keep feeling like I'm fucking everything up. 607 00:48:19,629 --> 00:48:21,229 - I'm sorry. - No. 608 00:48:23,349 --> 00:48:24,589 I'm sorry. 609 00:48:28,589 --> 00:48:33,309 I steal ice creams all the time and no-one knows about it. 610 00:48:33,620 --> 00:48:36,349 Well, maybe not all the time, but... 611 00:48:37,549 --> 00:48:40,828 - Mars ice creams? - OK. 612 00:48:40,829 --> 00:48:45,868 I like the challenge of having to slide open the freezer thing. 613 00:48:45,869 --> 00:48:47,948 - You know the freezer thing? - Yeah, yeah. 614 00:48:47,949 --> 00:48:50,028 And I don't even eat them. 615 00:48:50,029 --> 00:48:51,749 What do you do with them? 616 00:48:52,420 --> 00:48:55,300 Sometimes I give them to homeless people. 617 00:48:55,909 --> 00:48:57,095 Sometimes I put them back, 618 00:48:57,120 --> 00:49:00,333 but in a different freezer in a different newsagents. 619 00:49:05,029 --> 00:49:06,389 You can tell me anything. 620 00:49:07,669 --> 00:49:09,029 It's OK. 621 00:49:22,669 --> 00:49:25,429 Hi, is Michelle in, please? 622 00:49:36,949 --> 00:49:39,909 I'm really sorry for consistently behaving like a penis. 623 00:49:40,500 --> 00:49:42,511 You're, like, actually, factually just a, like, 624 00:49:42,536 --> 00:49:44,028 much better person than me. 625 00:49:44,029 --> 00:49:46,628 Why are you such a consistent penis? 626 00:49:46,629 --> 00:49:48,469 It must be genetic or something. 627 00:49:50,429 --> 00:49:53,069 - Please don't hate me. - I'm not going to hate you. 628 00:49:55,069 --> 00:49:56,943 Would your dad find it, like, majorly weird 629 00:49:56,968 --> 00:49:58,348 if I kissed you on the doorstep? 630 00:49:58,349 --> 00:50:01,269 Well, do you want me to go and ask him for y... 631 00:50:08,789 --> 00:50:11,108 Next up is... 632 00:50:11,109 --> 00:50:16,348 An ESPA hot stone massage, care of Woodcock Manor. 633 00:50:16,349 --> 00:50:19,988 So, number 69. 634 00:50:19,989 --> 00:50:22,109 WHISTLES AND LAUGHTER 635 00:50:23,109 --> 00:50:26,188 I'll say that again, number 69. 636 00:50:26,189 --> 00:50:28,628 69. Anyone? 637 00:50:28,629 --> 00:50:30,229 Don't be shy. 638 00:50:32,169 --> 00:50:33,649 I'll come up with you. 639 00:50:34,962 --> 00:50:36,602 You deserve that massage. 640 00:50:57,682 --> 00:50:59,420 I hope this isn't... 641 00:50:59,889 --> 00:51:04,129 But I, erm... I... 642 00:51:04,154 --> 00:51:09,994 I know that... some of you are... 643 00:51:11,309 --> 00:51:16,029 ...a little... uneasy about... 644 00:51:19,549 --> 00:51:21,508 And apologies for the interruption. 645 00:51:21,509 --> 00:51:26,429 But I just, I, I feel it would be remiss of me if... 646 00:51:27,789 --> 00:51:30,020 ...not to... if I didn't... 647 00:51:31,349 --> 00:51:33,180 ...say to you... 648 00:51:34,309 --> 00:51:37,560 Because if, if anyone has any questions 649 00:51:37,585 --> 00:51:40,973 about what it is that, that we're... 650 00:51:43,109 --> 00:51:46,398 ...doing or, you know, 651 00:51:46,399 --> 00:51:48,989 please do come and... 652 00:51:51,549 --> 00:51:55,100 Because we're really not, we're really not... 653 00:51:55,629 --> 00:52:01,269 trying to upset anyone, or make anyone uncomfortable. Far from it. 654 00:52:06,774 --> 00:52:07,740 So... 655 00:52:21,949 --> 00:52:23,548 Alan, I... Look. All I... 656 00:52:23,549 --> 00:52:25,181 Joy, you know what? Do you know what? 657 00:52:25,206 --> 00:52:26,988 I, I don't really want to get into a... 658 00:52:26,989 --> 00:52:30,269 - All I was trying to do... - Joy, I'm serious. 659 00:52:31,829 --> 00:52:34,540 - It's important, I honestly think... I - said I don't want to talk about it! 660 00:52:36,589 --> 00:52:41,189 I mean, it's what I do for a living. 661 00:52:41,820 --> 00:52:44,148 - You know? - Listen. No-one is... 662 00:52:44,149 --> 00:52:46,868 I mean you do realise, you do realise, 663 00:52:46,869 --> 00:52:49,628 you might've actually cost me my job. 664 00:52:49,629 --> 00:52:51,309 On what grounds? 665 00:52:53,269 --> 00:52:56,748 Joy, come on. You embarrassed me tonight. 666 00:52:56,749 --> 00:52:59,028 Tonight was embarrassing. 667 00:52:59,029 --> 00:53:02,988 And would you consider it more or less of an embarrassment 668 00:53:02,989 --> 00:53:05,028 if we were just cheating on each other? 669 00:53:05,029 --> 00:53:08,508 If we decided to break up, get a divorce, and cut the kids in half, 670 00:53:08,509 --> 00:53:10,748 and spend the weekends ferrying them back and forth? 671 00:53:10,749 --> 00:53:12,005 - All right. - Would a second, 672 00:53:12,030 --> 00:53:13,308 maybe a third wedding...? 673 00:53:13,309 --> 00:53:15,363 How about a whole string of unsuccessful marriages? 674 00:53:15,364 --> 00:53:18,548 Would you consider that to be more or less of an embarrassment? 675 00:53:18,549 --> 00:53:21,388 I mean, these people need to grow the fuck up. 676 00:53:21,389 --> 00:53:22,712 HE LAUGHS 677 00:53:22,713 --> 00:53:23,660 So, they're the ones 678 00:53:23,685 --> 00:53:25,228 - who need to grow up, are they? - Yes. 679 00:53:25,229 --> 00:53:27,908 Oh, I see, I get it now. So, they're, THEY'RE the ones... 680 00:53:27,909 --> 00:53:29,628 We have every right to live how we want. 681 00:53:29,653 --> 00:53:30,788 Joy, listen to yourself! 682 00:53:30,789 --> 00:53:33,388 What you did tonight, it was... 683 00:53:33,389 --> 00:53:36,949 It was, wildly, wildly, inappropriate. 684 00:53:38,029 --> 00:53:39,429 I disagree. 685 00:53:40,749 --> 00:53:43,188 Should never have let you talk me into this. 686 00:53:43,189 --> 00:53:46,429 - Into what? - Any of it, all of it. 687 00:53:47,429 --> 00:53:49,509 - Well, what's that supposed to mean? - It means... 688 00:53:51,989 --> 00:53:55,588 It means I'm losing track of where we're even at any more. 689 00:53:55,589 --> 00:53:58,613 We seem to be doing fine, and then all of a sudden you, you, 690 00:53:58,614 --> 00:54:00,174 you're out bowling with your ex, 691 00:54:00,199 --> 00:54:01,812 and then you're up in front of a room full of... 692 00:54:01,813 --> 00:54:04,654 Oh, Alan, I think honestly you're in danger 693 00:54:04,679 --> 00:54:06,093 of making a mountain into a... 694 00:54:06,094 --> 00:54:09,519 Then why this persistent moving of the goal posts? 695 00:54:09,520 --> 00:54:11,580 Well, I'm not the one who fell in love, so... 696 00:54:12,069 --> 00:54:13,600 I, I beg your fucking pardon? 697 00:54:13,625 --> 00:54:16,028 - Mmm. - Oh! 698 00:54:16,029 --> 00:54:17,679 Oh, I see. Oh, I see. 699 00:54:17,704 --> 00:54:19,948 - So, this is all my fault now, is it? - No, it's nobody's... 700 00:54:19,949 --> 00:54:22,348 Joy, I came to you, and I, and I told you... 701 00:54:22,349 --> 00:54:25,108 - Yeah, you did. - And we agreed a way forward. 702 00:54:25,109 --> 00:54:28,468 - Which, to my mind... - Will you stop shouting at me? 703 00:54:28,469 --> 00:54:31,148 How can you not see, how is it not apparent to you, 704 00:54:31,149 --> 00:54:32,669 that all I am doing... 705 00:54:34,669 --> 00:54:36,980 ...all I've been trying to do... 706 00:54:39,295 --> 00:54:41,095 ...is give you what you want? 707 00:54:43,282 --> 00:54:44,602 Is that right? 708 00:54:47,222 --> 00:54:50,102 I'm saying that it... It took... 709 00:54:53,309 --> 00:54:55,722 It took an enormous leap of faith on my part, Joy, to... 710 00:54:55,723 --> 00:54:57,948 to make it this far. 711 00:54:57,949 --> 00:55:01,428 To make... To make it work. To make a go of things. 712 00:55:01,429 --> 00:55:05,348 Then fine, then. If it's making you that uncomfortable, let's stop. 713 00:55:05,349 --> 00:55:07,828 - No, that isn't, that isn't what - I'm saying and you know it. 714 00:55:07,829 --> 00:55:10,108 If it's such a hardship, life under the guilt-free sex cosh, then... 715 00:55:10,109 --> 00:55:12,206 No, you're not listening to me, you're not listening to what I'm saying. 716 00:55:12,231 --> 00:55:13,748 No. but it's a good point. 717 00:55:13,749 --> 00:55:16,540 You're right. It's a good point. What would you do? 718 00:55:17,189 --> 00:55:19,429 If you... If we had to... stop. 719 00:55:22,535 --> 00:55:23,575 You're right. 720 00:55:25,308 --> 00:55:27,308 If you had to make a choice... 721 00:55:27,615 --> 00:55:29,335 who would you choose? 722 00:55:39,829 --> 00:55:41,897 Cos I haven't met anyone who makes me feel 723 00:55:41,922 --> 00:55:43,413 the way you feel about Claire. 724 00:55:50,389 --> 00:55:55,429 And I don't feel the way I feel about you about anyone. 725 00:56:00,509 --> 00:56:02,076 But then again, nor have I ever, 726 00:56:02,101 --> 00:56:05,333 I don't think, quite felt the way I feel about Claire about you. 727 00:56:30,309 --> 00:56:32,309 SHE LAUGHS 728 00:56:33,549 --> 00:56:37,029 MUSIC: [COP AND GO BY THE DEAD WEATHER] 729 00:56:38,069 --> 00:56:41,869 ♪ Beautiful eyes Long gone ♪ 730 00:56:43,269 --> 00:56:47,229 ♪ Beautiful eyes Return ♪ 731 00:56:48,509 --> 00:56:51,788 ♪ Beautiful lies Set in stone ♪ 732 00:56:51,789 --> 00:56:54,548 ♪ Come alive Disarm ♪ 733 00:56:54,549 --> 00:56:57,309 ♪ Take my life Alter form ♪ 734 00:57:00,029 --> 00:57:03,869 ♪ You look at me on the level Uh-huh. ♪ 735 00:57:06,349 --> 00:57:09,028 Oh, I'm so sorry. 736 00:57:09,029 --> 00:57:12,108 I think... I think I probably got the, erm... 737 00:57:12,109 --> 00:57:14,948 - No worries. - Babe? Who is it? 738 00:57:14,949 --> 00:57:16,389 It's no-one. 739 00:57:41,709 --> 00:57:42,961 SONG: [THE SHIP SONG BY NICK CAVE AND THE BAD SEEDS] 740 00:57:42,962 --> 00:57:47,309 ♪ Come sail your ships around me ♪ 741 00:57:48,949 --> 00:57:52,789 ♪ And burn your bridges down ♪ 742 00:57:55,761 --> 00:57:59,561 ♪ We make a little history, baby ♪ 743 00:58:02,229 --> 00:58:05,829 ♪ Every time you come around ♪ 744 00:58:09,629 --> 00:58:13,549 ♪ Come loose your dogs upon me ♪ 745 00:58:15,789 --> 00:58:20,229 ♪ And let your hair hang down ♪ 746 00:58:23,189 --> 00:58:27,429 ♪ You are a little mystery to me ♪ 747 00:58:29,589 --> 00:58:33,429 ♪ Every time you call around. ♪ 55526

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