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1
00:00:04,375 --> 00:00:07,854
-Previously on Kidding...
-Go, go, go!
2
00:00:08,014 --> 00:00:10,293
I found out what the P in
"P-Hound" stands for.
3
00:00:10,453 --> 00:00:12,613
Now every time I see the letter P,
I think of the word "pussy."
4
00:00:12,773 --> 00:00:17,851
We are losing control of him.
We need versions of him we can control.
5
00:00:18,011 --> 00:00:22,010
This is the drawer of letters from
women. This one's from Akron.
6
00:00:22,170 --> 00:00:23,530
You know, it's only two hours away.
7
00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:26,769
Give her a call.
Buy her some cheesecake.
8
00:00:26,929 --> 00:00:30,928
-Married.
-In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.
9
00:00:31,088 --> 00:00:33,687
Aah!
10
00:01:12,676 --> 00:01:14,196
This job is hard.
11
00:01:14,356 --> 00:01:16,755
This job's the easiest shit I've done
my whole fucking life.
12
00:01:16,915 --> 00:01:18,754
No, pickles make me sad now.
13
00:01:18,914 --> 00:01:21,793
I see pickles, I see that dead Pickle
boy on the road.
14
00:01:21,953 --> 00:01:27,552
I see his family suffering.
I see pickles, I see tears.
15
00:01:27,712 --> 00:01:30,671
Why you fucking do that?
Now I see it, too.
16
00:01:30,831 --> 00:01:35,110
Fuck, Sheila. Ruining pickles and shit.
Fuck you, Sheila.
17
00:01:45,907 --> 00:01:49,826
Murderer!
18
00:02:23,896 --> 00:02:28,335
Thank you for a lovely evening.
19
00:02:49,449 --> 00:02:53,328
-Why do you feel guilty?
-I like you. I like Vivian.
20
00:02:53,488 --> 00:02:55,328
I don't like having feelings
for two people.
21
00:02:55,487 --> 00:02:57,087
-It's selfish.
-Don't feel bad.
22
00:02:57,247 --> 00:02:59,446
I don't feel bad. I feel incredible.
23
00:02:59,606 --> 00:03:03,485
I feel like I've discovered the South
Pole. I don't want you to feel bad.
24
00:03:03,645 --> 00:03:07,764
I don't want to hurt you. You're never
gonna not be important to me.
25
00:03:07,924 --> 00:03:10,283
You're never gonna
not be important to me.
26
00:03:10,443 --> 00:03:12,963
Well, I think it's great, too.
27
00:03:14,122 --> 00:03:16,002
Just the other night,
I was thinking to myself,
28
00:03:16,162 --> 00:03:20,680
"Are there any ladies that I know who
would be a good match for Jeff?"
29
00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:24,399
-And... literally nobody came to mind.
-Thanks, Giant P.
30
00:03:24,559 --> 00:03:25,999
-I thought it was Big P.
-Was it?
31
00:03:26,159 --> 00:03:29,078
I'm not hurt. I'm not upset.
I'm offering you many...
32
00:03:29,238 --> 00:03:33,557
blessings and much good luck here
on your new relationship.
33
00:03:33,717 --> 00:03:37,476
-Don't worry. It's just temporary.
-It doesn't have to be temporary.
34
00:03:37,636 --> 00:03:42,714
-It does.
-What does that mean?
35
00:04:01,149 --> 00:04:07,108
Hello? Rex?
I have a piano question.
36
00:04:10,027 --> 00:04:14,066
I see your car!
37
00:04:14,745 --> 00:04:16,065
Are you gonna put it
under your pillow this time
38
00:04:16,225 --> 00:04:18,944
-or hide it from the Tooth Fairy?
-I don't hide them.
39
00:04:19,104 --> 00:04:20,904
I lose them sometimes.
40
00:04:23,503 --> 00:04:27,262
Hey, Dad. I lost my tooth
in my breakfast panini.
41
00:04:27,422 --> 00:04:29,981
I'm not going to work today.
I have the flu.
42
00:04:30,141 --> 00:04:32,780
-It really sucks.
-Where does it hurt?
43
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:37,139
All over my body. I-I need to go to bed.
I need fluids.
44
00:04:37,299 --> 00:04:39,299
I can't go to work today
or tomorrow, maybe ever.
45
00:04:39,459 --> 00:04:42,138
I do not want to be
a corporate travel agent.
46
00:04:42,298 --> 00:04:45,177
-Why am I a corporate travel agent?
-Are you crying?
47
00:04:45,337 --> 00:04:48,816
-It's the flu.
-I'll make soup.
48
00:04:48,976 --> 00:04:50,655
Actually, people are saying
yogurt is the new soup.
49
00:05:07,851 --> 00:05:10,130
I'm waiting for a text message.
50
00:05:16,328 --> 00:05:20,367
-How much longer do you think we have?
-As a species?
51
00:05:20,527 --> 00:05:24,366
Until the roof caves in.
Till there's no this anymore.
52
00:05:24,526 --> 00:05:27,085
Until Jeff can't function
as host or human.
53
00:05:27,245 --> 00:05:30,844
It all depends on him. Could be weeks.
Could be months.
54
00:05:31,004 --> 00:05:35,443
I can't predict the future, and I'm not
good at guessing weight from a distance,
55
00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:39,322
but if you get close to him, you can
hear the air hissing out of the balloon.
56
00:05:39,482 --> 00:05:44,081
-And what do I do, then?
-You're gonna be home alone all day
57
00:05:44,241 --> 00:05:49,319
with your family--
that screaming banshee child--
58
00:05:49,479 --> 00:05:52,758
and let's face it, that marriage that
has always had one foot
59
00:05:52,918 --> 00:05:54,358
on a pile of red ants.
60
00:05:54,518 --> 00:05:57,677
Fuck you, red ants!
Scott's the love of my life.
61
00:05:57,837 --> 00:06:00,716
And Maddy-- she lost a tooth
this morning,
62
00:06:00,876 --> 00:06:02,236
and I was like,
"Put it under your pillow,"
63
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:07,234
And I cannot wait to get home later
and find her tooth under her pillow.
64
00:06:07,394 --> 00:06:10,473
Everybody wants to feel
like they're a good parent.
65
00:06:10,633 --> 00:06:13,592
Nobody wants to act like one.
Do me a favor
66
00:06:13,752 --> 00:06:18,951
and picture your brother as a mascot to
your favorite Chinese softball team?
67
00:06:19,111 --> 00:06:22,230
Would he look like this?
68
00:06:25,229 --> 00:06:27,948
That's traumatizing.
69
00:06:28,108 --> 00:06:29,508
-He has a dick nose.
-Yeah.
70
00:06:29,668 --> 00:06:33,027
It's Jeff's head for the Ice Capades.
I outsourced it to Vietnam.
71
00:06:33,187 --> 00:06:34,667
It's shitty. You can do better.
72
00:06:34,827 --> 00:06:36,146
I can't replace Jeff
with a Styrofoam head
73
00:06:36,306 --> 00:06:38,146
and then look him in the eye
over osso buco.
74
00:06:38,306 --> 00:06:42,185
Welcome to the world
of exciting internal conflict.
75
00:06:42,344 --> 00:06:46,183
Build me a Jeff, please. I know this is
gonna come as a surprise to you,
76
00:06:46,343 --> 00:06:50,342
but I'm not gonna be around much longer.
My father died at 68.
77
00:06:50,502 --> 00:06:54,181
I'm on borrowed time.
I'd like all this to be yours someday.
78
00:06:54,341 --> 00:06:56,900
-Since when?
-If not you, who?
79
00:06:57,060 --> 00:07:00,299
But if we want to keep this shop open,
first, we need to build another Jeff...
80
00:07:00,819 --> 00:07:04,658
on ice. The original is out to sea.
81
00:07:07,897 --> 00:07:11,576
-I don't want to hurt anyone.
-Hurt who?
82
00:07:11,736 --> 00:07:15,495
Jill, Will... anyone.
I mean, this, for example.
83
00:07:15,655 --> 00:07:18,894
What if a kid watched this, put a barrel
on, attached a bedsheet to it,
84
00:07:19,054 --> 00:07:22,813
and tried to parachute over Niagara
Falls? Chances would not be good.
85
00:07:22,973 --> 00:07:26,172
We've been using that same
visually arresting sequence
86
00:07:26,332 --> 00:07:30,131
to transition you from the real world
to Pickle Barrel Falls for 30 years.
87
00:07:30,291 --> 00:07:34,730
-And no child has ever tried this?
-I promise you, we would've heard.
88
00:07:34,890 --> 00:07:38,889
-Why are you questioning this now?
-Shaina, from Akron.
89
00:07:39,049 --> 00:07:43,168
We shared the cheesecake. A moment
from this show saved her life.
90
00:07:43,328 --> 00:07:44,647
If that's true,
one moment from this show
91
00:07:44,807 --> 00:07:46,767
could take a life, if we're not careful.
92
00:07:46,927 --> 00:07:49,526
It's a puppet show.
It's not a cursed monkey paw.
93
00:07:49,686 --> 00:07:51,005
-Do I have texts?
-I don't know.
94
00:07:51,165 --> 00:07:53,645
That's a cell phone
that uses AA batteries.
95
00:07:53,805 --> 00:07:56,324
You want to change something?
Upgrade your gizmos.
96
00:07:56,484 --> 00:07:57,843
How'd things go
with Shaina from Akron?
97
00:07:58,003 --> 00:08:01,083
-We didn't really connect.
-Oh, that's too bad.
98
00:08:01,243 --> 00:08:04,042
-I met someone else, though.
-Really? On the same night?
99
00:08:04,202 --> 00:08:06,761
-Her name is Vivian.
-I love that name. She sounds gorgeous.
100
00:08:06,921 --> 00:08:09,280
-Now tell me about her.
-She's younger than me.
101
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:12,359
That's fine, as long as she's not
selling Do-Si-Dos outside the Kroger.
102
00:08:12,519 --> 00:08:15,119
-She has a lovely smile.
-Aw, terrific.
103
00:08:15,279 --> 00:08:18,158
And the doctors give her
about six weeks.
104
00:08:23,556 --> 00:08:25,756
-Where you off to, Jimmy?
-Pickle Barrel Falls.
105
00:08:25,916 --> 00:08:28,475
-Okay, honey, have fun.
-Bye, Mom.
106
00:08:31,674 --> 00:08:34,713
Here we go!
107
00:08:38,872 --> 00:08:40,992
What are you trying to do,
Ennui La Triste?
108
00:08:41,151 --> 00:08:44,910
Because my tongue is cheese,
I cannot whistle!
109
00:08:45,070 --> 00:08:49,269
-Quel fromage.
-Come on, you stale breadstick.
110
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:52,228
Whistling is easy.
111
00:08:54,988 --> 00:08:57,867
-Never mind.
-Ennui, in my experience,
112
00:08:58,027 --> 00:09:02,226
everyone has a little tune in their
heart, and if you listen closely,
113
00:09:02,386 --> 00:09:03,945
it always finds a way out.
114
00:09:10,943 --> 00:09:12,863
Now you try.
115
00:09:19,901 --> 00:09:22,020
And then I loved her in the pussy.
116
00:09:24,020 --> 00:09:26,819
-Wow.
-I know.
117
00:09:26,979 --> 00:09:29,458
I tried texting her,
but there's no response.
118
00:09:29,618 --> 00:09:31,418
Didn't you say
she was terminally ill?
119
00:09:31,577 --> 00:09:34,017
No, that's just the opinion
of three doctors.
120
00:09:34,177 --> 00:09:37,696
Her attitude would suggest
an entirely different prognosis.
121
00:09:37,856 --> 00:09:40,535
But what do I know?
I'm not three doctors.
122
00:09:40,695 --> 00:09:42,055
What can you do, Jeff?
123
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:44,374
I hate to think that last night
didn't mean anything to her.
124
00:09:44,534 --> 00:09:48,253
Maybe your phone's broken.
That's why she hasn't responded.
125
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:53,012
-Did you think of that?
-That's it. You're probably right.
126
00:09:53,171 --> 00:09:55,851
What a dopey-dope. Ha!
127
00:09:56,850 --> 00:09:58,730
-Hi, Dad.
-Hello, my boy.
128
00:10:00,649 --> 00:10:01,969
You asked when it all ends.
129
00:10:02,129 --> 00:10:03,489
-I-- Six weeks.
130
00:10:03,649 --> 00:10:07,447
When the cancer lady he's falling for
bites it, that's when he pops.
131
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,407
Not a lot of time, but we can
get the ice show on its feet
132
00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,646
and rush the doll for Christmas.
133
00:10:15,605 --> 00:10:19,484
Will. You back here?
I could use some technical support.
134
00:10:23,603 --> 00:10:26,682
-Whoa, it's you.
-Your pineapple is smoking.
135
00:10:26,842 --> 00:10:28,962
Yeah, I call it the Mind-dozer.
136
00:10:29,121 --> 00:10:32,121
It's practically made
the apple bong obsolete.
137
00:10:32,281 --> 00:10:35,000
Plus, when you're done,
you can chop it up and eat it,
138
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:37,679
-get you manganese.
-Have you seen my son?
139
00:10:37,839 --> 00:10:39,599
Just because I've seen him in a place
140
00:10:39,759 --> 00:10:42,238
doesn't mean he's actually
in that place, you know?
141
00:10:42,398 --> 00:10:44,877
Meaning, he could've left
that place.
142
00:10:45,037 --> 00:10:47,716
Well, could you point
to where you saw him last?
143
00:10:47,876 --> 00:10:52,595
Narc-ing on an acquaintance would
violate every principle I hold dear.
144
00:10:53,035 --> 00:10:55,434
Hey, is it true you killed
a bunch of Lebanese people
145
00:10:55,594 --> 00:10:59,793
-when you were a sniper for the CIA?
-What did you say?
146
00:10:59,953 --> 00:11:02,232
The Dark Web knows all secrets, man.
147
00:11:02,392 --> 00:11:04,712
You shouldn't believe
every rumor you read.
148
00:11:16,988 --> 00:11:20,907
Truth is, I wouldn't know
the first thing
149
00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:25,026
about lining up an innocent man's peach
pit from 1,000 yards out...
150
00:11:25,186 --> 00:11:28,345
pink misting him
through his kitchen window.
151
00:11:28,505 --> 00:11:32,224
I've never been to Lebanon or Iran,
never known the thrill of sipping
152
00:11:32,384 --> 00:11:37,702
the Shah's contraband tequila
from the cold navel of my 100th kill.
153
00:11:37,862 --> 00:11:40,302
Nor can I appreciate the years
of training and tenacity
154
00:11:40,462 --> 00:11:43,061
it would take to draw an imaginary line
155
00:11:43,221 --> 00:11:45,860
between my heartbeat
and my trigger finger.
156
00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:50,819
Never done those things.
157
00:11:50,979 --> 00:11:52,698
I could never take a man's life.
158
00:11:54,898 --> 00:11:58,737
But I've heard it's as easy
as popping a pimple.
159
00:12:11,013 --> 00:12:15,652
-I think Will's over there, man.
-Thanks for your help.
160
00:12:15,812 --> 00:12:18,011
You're a good helper.
161
00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:20,531
All right, pick a card, any card.
162
00:12:21,290 --> 00:12:24,010
-Should I show you?
-No. Don't-- don't show me.
163
00:12:24,170 --> 00:12:26,529
Now, sign the
Bicycle side of the card.
164
00:12:26,689 --> 00:12:30,168
Will? Could you come with me
to the phone store?
165
00:12:30,328 --> 00:12:32,247
This thing is broken.
I don't know what to do.
166
00:12:33,607 --> 00:12:35,206
So you-- you think
your phone is broken
167
00:12:35,366 --> 00:12:37,886
because this woman
you just met didn't respond?
168
00:12:38,046 --> 00:12:39,365
We spent a whole night together.
169
00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:42,844
We told each other things
you can never tell a stranger.
170
00:12:43,004 --> 00:12:47,483
-We made love.
-Oh. Um...
171
00:12:47,643 --> 00:12:49,443
There's something wrong with this.
172
00:12:52,002 --> 00:12:53,801
Yeah...
173
00:12:53,961 --> 00:12:55,481
It looks okay to me.
174
00:12:55,641 --> 00:12:58,600
Could you take in the back
just to make sure? I'd feel better.
175
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:02,039
Sure. Sure. Just...
176
00:13:03,079 --> 00:13:05,358
Yeah, which account is this
phone registered under?
177
00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,158
I have your name associated
with two plans--
178
00:13:07,318 --> 00:13:09,477
one ending in 4356, another in 7864.
179
00:13:09,637 --> 00:13:12,956
-Yeah, the first one.
-Okay.
180
00:13:13,116 --> 00:13:14,795
We will get to the bottom of this.
181
00:13:14,955 --> 00:13:16,275
-Great.
-Okay.
182
00:13:16,435 --> 00:13:18,235
Okay.
183
00:13:18,994 --> 00:13:22,793
Hey... do you think that maybe
I could get a...
184
00:13:22,953 --> 00:13:27,272
a new phone, one with a,
alphanumeric keyboard?
185
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:30,711
What do you need that for?
186
00:13:30,871 --> 00:13:34,110
Whose-- whose phone number
ends in 7864?
187
00:13:35,230 --> 00:13:42,228
-What?
-He-- he said that you have two numbers.
188
00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:44,347
The other number belongs to a man
189
00:13:44,507 --> 00:13:46,947
who hurt his back so badly
that he can't work anymore,
190
00:13:47,106 --> 00:13:49,986
so I pay for some
of his necessities,
191
00:13:50,146 --> 00:13:52,785
like his phone and his rent
and his daughter's education.
192
00:13:52,945 --> 00:13:55,544
How did he get hurt?
193
00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:58,423
He was driving the truck
that hit you and Phil that day.
194
00:14:03,222 --> 00:14:05,181
Don't you hate that guy?
195
00:14:05,341 --> 00:14:07,621
Hate doesn't punish
who you think it does.
196
00:14:08,780 --> 00:14:12,220
Well, I had our...
best technicians take a look,
197
00:14:12,379 --> 00:14:14,139
and there doesn't seem to be
anything wrong with the phone.
198
00:14:21,537 --> 00:14:27,015
-That's unfortunate.
-Um, look, Mr. Pickles...
199
00:14:27,175 --> 00:14:29,375
here's the thing. Can I tell you what I
think really happened?
200
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:31,934
I- I don't think
that your phone is broken.
201
00:14:32,094 --> 00:14:38,252
I think that, it's hers that's broken,
and that's why she's not responding.
202
00:14:38,412 --> 00:14:41,771
That makes sense. I knew there was a
reason I brought you.
203
00:14:41,931 --> 00:14:45,490
-He's the family computer whiz.
-Yeah, that's...
204
00:14:45,650 --> 00:14:46,970
So is there anything else
I can help you with?
205
00:14:47,130 --> 00:14:49,849
Just that.
206
00:14:53,688 --> 00:14:57,527
Once upon a time,
there was a swing in a branch
207
00:14:57,687 --> 00:15:00,086
and a big, fat marshmallow.
208
00:15:00,246 --> 00:15:02,845
Why does the cat
only eat marshmallows, Dad?
209
00:15:03,005 --> 00:15:08,244
-Why do you think? Turn the page.
-I only see the cat!
210
00:15:08,404 --> 00:15:10,003
The kitty's so dismay-ded,
211
00:15:10,163 --> 00:15:11,683
but there's a marshmallow,
and the kitty's like...
212
00:15:13,842 --> 00:15:16,322
-I'm sick.
-So breathe that way.
213
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:19,681
-I'm not sleeping on the fold-out.
-No, I mean I'm sick, Dee Dee.
214
00:15:19,841 --> 00:15:24,319
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I need...
215
00:15:29,358 --> 00:15:32,397
Oh, God, I've pictured having
this conversation since I was 13,
216
00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:33,877
and now I don't know
how to start it.
217
00:15:38,236 --> 00:15:39,595
But...
218
00:15:42,394 --> 00:15:48,033
...a word that's...
defined me for a while has been...
219
00:15:49,233 --> 00:15:51,192
...confusion.
220
00:16:00,349 --> 00:16:04,628
Even ten words in, it already feels
so cathartic...
221
00:16:04,788 --> 00:16:10,467
...to open up...
about what I'm trying to say, baby.
222
00:16:13,946 --> 00:16:15,905
In the deepest part of myself...
223
00:16:19,784 --> 00:16:23,383
-...I've always--
-Name a happy child of divorce.
224
00:16:27,342 --> 00:16:30,581
-What?
-Name one happy child of divorce.
225
00:16:30,741 --> 00:16:35,860
-Can I finish what I'm trying to say?
-Oh...
226
00:16:36,020 --> 00:16:38,299
the Tooth Fairy
needs to find her wand.
227
00:16:56,294 --> 00:17:00,413
Where do your teeth go?
228
00:17:00,573 --> 00:17:04,492
-Hi, Mom. I'm Mr. Chompers.
-Jesus! Fuck!
229
00:17:04,652 --> 00:17:09,450
And I eat dreams. Nom! Nom!
Nom...
230
00:17:50,559 --> 00:17:53,518
I'm sorry.
231
00:17:53,678 --> 00:17:59,316
I don't even know how to talk to you
anymore, but I want you to know that...
232
00:17:59,476 --> 00:18:04,635
I do it all the time in my head, so it
feels like I talk to you more than I do.
233
00:18:08,674 --> 00:18:12,513
I'm always asking myself
if I'm trying too hard.
234
00:18:12,673 --> 00:18:18,311
Am I?
Or not enough?
235
00:18:18,471 --> 00:18:22,510
I used to be so good at putting myself
between you and...
236
00:18:22,670 --> 00:18:28,148
anything that tried to hurt you, but...
I couldn't...
237
00:18:29,068 --> 00:18:31,148
I couldn't put myself
between you and what happened.
238
00:18:31,308 --> 00:18:35,866
I... I couldn't stop...
239
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:40,105
you losing everything.
240
00:18:41,465 --> 00:18:43,344
And...
241
00:18:43,504 --> 00:18:48,423
I don't know how to protect you anymore,
and maybe I shouldn't.
242
00:18:49,423 --> 00:18:52,142
Maybe that's how I help.
243
00:19:03,339 --> 00:19:06,978
Have you ever seen the movie Robocop?
244
00:19:07,138 --> 00:19:09,177
-Maybe?
-It's about a police officer
245
00:19:09,337 --> 00:19:14,296
who dies in the line of duty.
His buddies rebuild him like a robot
246
00:19:14,456 --> 00:19:18,255
so they can control him,
but he just gets...
247
00:19:18,414 --> 00:19:20,414
way more violent.
248
00:19:30,491 --> 00:19:33,650
Just a sec.
249
00:19:40,808 --> 00:19:42,408
Hi.
250
00:19:43,727 --> 00:19:46,087
I didn't know you were coming.
251
00:19:48,406 --> 00:19:50,326
Welcome to my...
home away from home.
252
00:19:57,084 --> 00:20:02,202
-What happened here?
-Um... a lamp got broken.
253
00:20:02,362 --> 00:20:04,722
And you're sleeping on a futon?
254
00:20:04,882 --> 00:20:07,881
Yeah, sometimes I want a bed.
Sometimes I want a couch.
255
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:11,240
It's Spartan, but it's everything I
need.
256
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:15,879
-Where does Will sleep?
-Oh, I have an inflatable mattress.
257
00:20:16,038 --> 00:20:18,318
He thinks it's like
a water bed, only with air.
258
00:20:18,478 --> 00:20:21,117
You could be in a suite
at the Four Seasons, Jeff.
259
00:20:21,277 --> 00:20:24,676
I'm happy here.
What you don't see are the memories.
260
00:20:25,156 --> 00:20:29,195
My first apartment...
short stroll right across campus.
261
00:20:29,875 --> 00:20:31,194
Before I say what I'm going to say,
262
00:20:31,354 --> 00:20:33,154
you should know
that your son was very touched
263
00:20:33,314 --> 00:20:36,033
by what you did.
I didn't expect that.
264
00:20:36,953 --> 00:20:40,272
-We raised a good boy.
-But the guilt that I felt
265
00:20:40,432 --> 00:20:43,671
-for wanting a sixth pair of shoes...
-Who said you couldn't have shoes?
266
00:20:43,831 --> 00:20:46,430
-...or a car that's just fun...
-It's a lot of shoes.
267
00:20:46,590 --> 00:20:48,749
-...and fast to drive...
-You want another car? Get another car.
268
00:20:48,909 --> 00:20:50,989
-...or for hating the man...
-Get six cars--
269
00:20:51,149 --> 00:20:52,468
-one for every day of the week.
-...who drove a snack truck
270
00:20:52,628 --> 00:20:55,787
into our family, and meanwhile, you are
writing checks for his rent,
271
00:20:55,947 --> 00:21:02,386
his utility bills?
You're paying his garbage pickup?
272
00:21:02,546 --> 00:21:06,025
He has a daughter.
273
00:21:06,185 --> 00:21:08,344
Someday she's gonna have
to go to college.
274
00:21:11,223 --> 00:21:15,822
We had a son,
and he will never go to college!
275
00:21:15,982 --> 00:21:17,541
Denny hurt his back in the accident.
276
00:21:17,701 --> 00:21:19,461
-Denny?
-He walks with a cane now.
277
00:21:19,621 --> 00:21:21,900
Of course you're
on a first-name basis with him!
278
00:21:22,060 --> 00:21:25,939
Did you not think how giving that man
money would make me feel?
279
00:21:26,099 --> 00:21:28,418
He can't drive anymore. Workmen's
compensation won't cover the cost
280
00:21:28,578 --> 00:21:31,577
of a single-parent household.
Someone has to look out for him.
281
00:21:32,697 --> 00:21:36,096
We weren't the only ones
who lost something.
282
00:21:36,256 --> 00:21:38,256
We're the only ones that matter.
283
00:21:38,416 --> 00:21:40,375
I devoted an entire show
to Phil's death...
284
00:21:41,175 --> 00:21:44,294
...an honest show.
They're gonna air it soon.
285
00:21:44,454 --> 00:21:47,173
I don't watch Puppet Time anymore.
286
00:21:47,333 --> 00:21:49,652
Watching it makes me
want to swallow my tongue.
287
00:21:50,812 --> 00:21:52,972
You shouldn't blame that man
for what happened.
288
00:21:53,131 --> 00:21:55,291
I don't blame him.
289
00:21:55,451 --> 00:21:59,170
I hate him.
I blame myself for what happened.
290
00:21:59,330 --> 00:22:03,689
It was an accident-- a stray burst
of electrons through a stoplight.
291
00:22:03,849 --> 00:22:06,688
-A broken lamp.
-An act of God.
292
00:22:06,848 --> 00:22:12,446
He's not the bad guy.
Neither are you, Jill.
293
00:22:12,606 --> 00:22:14,805
-No one is.
-That's what you don't get.
294
00:22:14,965 --> 00:22:17,085
Next to you, I am the bad guy.
295
00:22:18,484 --> 00:22:20,804
I always am.
296
00:22:20,964 --> 00:22:22,843
No, you're a wonderful person,
and I miss you
297
00:22:23,003 --> 00:22:26,242
-more than anything.
-Don't.
298
00:22:28,722 --> 00:22:32,641
Oh, I loved you, Jeff,
299
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:34,400
but...
300
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:36,280
...after the accident,
when all the cards arrived...
301
00:22:38,839 --> 00:22:44,077
-they were all addressed to you.
-They were meant for both of us.
302
00:22:44,237 --> 00:22:48,516
You're Santa.
I'm Mrs. Claus.
303
00:22:48,676 --> 00:22:52,435
Santa brings joy.
Mrs. Claus brings...
304
00:22:52,595 --> 00:22:54,394
kibble to the reindeer.
305
00:22:56,274 --> 00:23:02,472
Well, I don't live on the North Pole
anymore. I live in reality now.
306
00:23:02,632 --> 00:23:07,991
It's not as colorful, but...
I see the world how it really is.
307
00:23:08,151 --> 00:23:14,189
The world is a perfect circle...
of endless possibilities.
308
00:23:14,749 --> 00:23:17,108
It's not a circle.
309
00:23:18,028 --> 00:23:20,947
It's a hole.
310
00:23:27,465 --> 00:23:30,544
That truck driver...
311
00:23:31,704 --> 00:23:36,303
He didn't hurt his back in the accident.
Maybe he told you he did,
312
00:23:37,023 --> 00:23:40,662
but that is called a lie.
He just wants your money.
313
00:23:40,822 --> 00:23:44,421
He's stealing from you,
and teaching Will a magic trick
314
00:23:44,581 --> 00:23:46,140
isn't gonna get him
to stop smoking pot.
315
00:23:46,940 --> 00:23:51,019
And when you screw a woman you just met
and she doesn't call you back,
316
00:23:51,179 --> 00:23:54,898
it's not 'cause her phone is broken.
It's 'cause she doesn't like you!
317
00:23:56,217 --> 00:23:58,937
I'm sorry, but this is where we live.
318
00:24:00,176 --> 00:24:04,055
Please, join us.
319
00:25:08,237 --> 00:25:11,476
Is it the... queen of hearts?
320
00:25:15,115 --> 00:25:17,115
No way!
321
00:25:37,029 --> 00:25:40,788
Mom?
322
00:26:03,342 --> 00:26:07,141
Isn't it amazing, Gertie?
25547
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