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1
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Well, we've got about thirty seconds. I think we've got time for one quick call.
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Hello, Marlene, I'm listening.
3
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Oh my God, I'm really on?
4
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Yes, your problem, please...
5
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Lucky, Lucky, get down. George, get the dog!
6
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Oh my God, this is so exciting!
7
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Honey, honey, get the baby. George, get your son!
8
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OK, OK, here it is, Dr. Crane:
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if my husband and I don't find some time to have sex soon,
10
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I think I'm gonna burst. I may even have to go to a department store and pick up a stranger.
11
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Oh, kids! Look who's here without calling first, Nana and Pop Pop!
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I'll call you back.
13
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Well, to all you Marlenes out there, may I suggest that sex with a stranger is not the answer.
14
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Why don't you just pack the kids off with Nana and Pop Pop,
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lock Lucky downstairs in the basement, grab your husband, take him to the sturdiest kitchen table you have,
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and let the postman ring twice!
17
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Now, to the rest of my listeners, I'll be off on vacation for the next week,
18
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so please tune in to my replacement,
the noted podiatrist, Dr Garreth Wooten,
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who'll be discussing the virtues of his new book, "Bunions and Blisters and Corns,"
20
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Oh My!
21
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I hate it when that weird foot freak subs for you.
22
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Couldn't you just have Frederick come and visit you here?
23
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Sorry Roz, the taxi's waiting outside to take me to the airport.
24
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Oh well, have a great time.
Oh, thanks.
25
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And don't forget to bring me a present!
26
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I'll get you a nice T-shirt from Colonial Williamsburg.
27
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You're taking Frederick to Williamsburg?
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Eeew!
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No, it's a wonderful vacation spot! We're going to dip candles, tan leather, churn butter...
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Hey, Frederick Crane, you just finished the first grade,
31
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what are you going to do now?
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I'm going to Butterworld!
33
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Hey Daphne, bring that laundry over here, will you?
34
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What for?
35
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Well, I was just reading about an intelligence test you can give your dog.
36
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You throw a towel over its head and see how long it takes him to shake it off.
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Eddie!
38
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Oh, and the faster he takes the towel off, the smarter he is?
39
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No, the faster he folds it.
40
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All right,
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they ranked all the dogs and the smartest was a border collie;
42
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he did it in seven seconds.
43
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All right, come on boy, take it off.
44
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Six... seven.
45
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OK, the next fastest one was a poodle, I know he's as smart as a poodle.
46
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OK, so he's no poodle...
47
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he's not a beagle either...
48
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or a German shepherd... or a Labrador
49
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Oh, for God's sake, Eddie!
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Yes, well, if you ask me, he's refusing to do that trick because he knows if he does it right,
51
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you'll have him doing it every time we have company.
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Hey, I'll bet you're right!
53
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Nice going, Eddie!
54
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Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
55
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I appreciate the false cheer, Daphne. But I'm sure you've seen this? Today's society page?
56
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Don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me! I'm saving it for after dinner!
57
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Apparently Maris is going on a three-week cruise.
58
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Her friends threw her a bon voyage party. Look at the photo.
59
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It's Maris on the arm of Pierson Broadwater.
60
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Oh, Dr. Crane, look! She's just standing there, barely touching him,
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with only the tiniest bit of a smile on her face!
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I know, you can practically hear the zing zing zing of her heartstrings!
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Oh, Dr Crane...
Sorry, Niles.
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Oh, it gets worse. This morning I spoke to Marta, my ex-maid and current mole.
65
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She reports that Broadwater is just the latest in a parade of escorts.
66
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The gigolos are swarming around Maris like ants on a Snickers bar!
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Well, wait a minute, that's good news.
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If she's seeing a whole bunch of people, that means she's not serious about any one of them.
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You think?
Yeah, sure!
70
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They're probably just her escorts.
71
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You know how she loves going to parties.
72
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Yes, and she never liked going anywhere alone. Except to bed.
73
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More good news.
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And Niles, it wouldn't hurt you to go out a little bit every once in a while too.
75
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If you're suggesting that I start dating, you can save your breath.
76
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Women don't exactly find me irresistible.
77
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Oh, come on, Niles, you've had lots of girlfriends.
78
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Oh, let's count. There's Maris...
79
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oh no, Dora, my childhood pen pal from Costa Rica...
80
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I seem to recall a little girl in the fourth grade who lured me to a stairwell to show me her underpants.
81
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You know, Niles, I think your problem is you still picture yourself as the same geeky kid you were in high school.
82
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But you've come a long way since then.
83
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And you're not doing yourself any favours sitting home every night.
84
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Now just think about it.
85
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Wine, Dr. Crane?
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Well, wouldn't you?
87
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HE WAS A BAND LEADER MARRIED TO CHARO
88
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Oh, give it up, the man had every right to be proud of his dog.
89
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Well, I just don't like show-offs, OK?
90
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"Ginger, catch the frisbee. Ginger, roll over. Ginger, do my taxes!"
91
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Just because Eddie's not good at tricks...
92
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The hell he isn't! He just likes the kind that gives him a chance to use his brain! Eddie's a thinker!
93
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Just watch this. Open the door for him.
94
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Now, I've been teaching him the names of all his chew toys.
95
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Eddie, get your banana.
96
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Now he's thinking,
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"which one's the banana?"
98
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Now he's thinking, "what the heck did I do with my banana?"
99
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Now he's thinking, "which one's the emergency button?"
100
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Come on!
101
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Oh, Dr Crane!
102
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Hello. I let myself in, I hope that's all right.
103
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Fine. What's up?
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Oh, I just stopped by to ask you a question. Are you free Saturday night?
105
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Sure!
106
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Well, I'm not! I have a date!
107
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Oh!
Oh!
108
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Bravo, Dr. Crane!
109
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Good for you! Who is she?
110
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Marjorie Nash, the "Fruit On The Bottom" yogurt heiress.
111
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I bumped into her at the Frye museum. Before I knew it, your advice was thundering in my ears.
112
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I found myself asking her out.
113
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We'll be attending our club's annual winter dance, the "Snow Ball!"
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Good for you!
115
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What's she like?
116
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Well, she's terribly haughty and rumours persist about her husband's death. But still, a date's a date!
117
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Snow Ball? Sounds very glamourous.
118
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I didn't know you could dance!
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Oh, I can't.
120
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Oh, dear.
121
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You don't think she'll want me to?
122
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I've taken Maris to dozens of these things, she's never once asked to dance...
123
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of course, Maris dislikes public displays of rhythm.
124
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Oh, this is terrible! My first date's a miserable failure before it even begins.
125
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I'll just have to cancel.
126
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All you need are a few dancing lessons.
127
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I'd be happy to give you some.
128
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You would?
129
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Yeah! Growing up, I used to practise all the time with my brother Billy - the ballroom dancer?
130
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I couldn't prevail upon you like that, it would be too much trouble. We'll have to move this!
131
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OK, now push the chair back
132
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Or not.
133
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Alright, we'll start with the box step.
134
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Box step...
It's very simple.
135
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Take my hand like so, and your other hand goes around my waist.
136
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Now, start with your left foot.
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OK, which one?
138
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Oh, hush! Step towards me, then bring your right foot forward-and-over,
139
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and slide the left over to meet it.
140
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Then the right foot goes back, the left back-and-over,
141
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and the right slides next to it.
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And that's it! All right, once again.
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A one-two-
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Oh! three, a two-two-three,
145
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a three-two-three, a four-two three...
146
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This is boring yet difficult.
147
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Aw, there's no trick to dancing. It's just a matter of coordination.
148
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Hell, if you can ride a bike, or skip rope, or kick a ball, you can certainly...
149
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Alright, once again. A one-two- Oh!-three...
150
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You're really doing very well, Dr. Crane.
151
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Earlier you seemed a bit tense.
152
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You've really relaxed now though, haven't you?
153
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Hey, you two are looking pretty sharp.
154
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Well, I think we're ready to move on to the samba.
155
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Eddie, fetch me a samba tape. Xavier Cougat.
156
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Now he's thinking, "the later Hollywood stuff, or the early New York recordings?"
157
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Now guess what I'm thinking.
I'll get it myself.
158
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Well, I'm going to hit the hay.
159
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Good-night -- bend-and-turn ?
160
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see-you-in-the-morning ?spin-and-dip
161
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there's-my-phone -- flip-and-push ?
162
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Niles-Crane.
163
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Oh, Marjorie.
164
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How are you?
165
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Oh, what a shame. Well, er,
166
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no no it's alright, there'll be other dances.
167
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No, no, I understand completely.
168
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Take care.
169
00:09:35,949 --> 00:09:37,962
Guess I won't be needing those dancing lessons.
170
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I guess not. I'm sorry, son.
171
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I couldn't find any Cougie, but this'll do!
172
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Alright now,
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in the samba you have to hold me a little closer.
174
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You ready?
175
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Daphne, there's one thing I wanted to mention...
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Yeah?
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I'm a dancer, a dancer dances!
178
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WHERE ELSE WOULD CORONERS
GET TOGETHER?
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Wow..Look who's Here..
it's my dancing partner.
180
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Hello, Fred!
Hello, Ginger!
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It's a little joke we have!
182
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Look Daphne, I got two new CDs today.
183
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Tonight we master the mambo and the conga.
184
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I can feel myself growing a pencil-thin moustache just saying that.
185
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You're having more lessons tonight?
186
00:10:27,882 --> 00:10:30,925
Oh, yes! He's going to be the best dancer at the ball.
187
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I'll just go get us some coffees.
188
00:10:36,108 --> 00:10:38,918
Why didn't you tell her your date had cancelled? You don't need more lessons.
189
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I wanted to, but she's just having so much fun!
190
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Come on, Niles, you think I don't see the way you look at Daphne?
191
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What are you implying?
192
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You know damn well what I'm implying.
193
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Take my word for it,
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you're sticking a fork in the toaster here.
195
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Well, my muffin's stuck!
196
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Besides, what's the harm in a few dance lessons?
197
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It's nighttime. You're alone. The music's on.
198
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You've got your arms around her.
199
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You'll end up saying something you can't take back.
200
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I have no intention of saying anything.
201
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No one ever does.
202
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Take my word for it.
203
00:11:16,485 --> 00:11:19,338
When I was separated from your mother,
204
00:11:19,338 --> 00:11:24,103
there was this pretty coroner in the city morgue.
205
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I always had a bit of a crush on her.
206
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So whenever we'd find a dead body, I'd yell out, "OK boys, I'll take it from here!"
207
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So one night, I invited her down to the corner bar.
208
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Coroners have their own bars?
209
00:11:37,519 --> 00:11:45,253
No, corner, Niles, the corner bar!
210
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Anyway, we had a few drinks, the lights were low, Sinatra on the jukebox.
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Before I knew it, it just all came pouring out of me. I told her how I felt.
212
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I mean, I knew the second it was out of my mouth that it was a mistake.
213
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She let me down easy but we still had to go on seeing each other all the time.
214
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It sure was no fun going to the morgue after that!
215
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So, what time are we starting your lessons tonight, Dr. Crane?
216
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Actually, that won't be necessary.
217
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I just got a call from Marjorie. Something's come up.
218
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I won't be going to the ball.
219
00:12:18,574 --> 00:12:20,668
Oh. Well, I'm sorry.
220
00:12:20,668 --> 00:12:24,201
It's quite all right, and thank you for all your help.
221
00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:29,201
It seems such a shame to waste all that hard work...
222
00:12:29,201 --> 00:12:34,513
I hope you don't think I'm being too forward, but what would you say about our going to the dance together?
223
00:12:34,513 --> 00:12:37,631
Now, now, he's already taken up too much of your time, Daphne,
224
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:38,783
he couldn't ask you to do that.
225
00:12:38,783 --> 00:12:41,741
No, but it would be as much fun for me as it would be for him!
226
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I'd love an elegant evening out!
227
00:12:43,652 --> 00:12:45,571
What do you say, Dr. Crane?
228
00:12:45,571 --> 00:12:46,981
Tell her what you say, Dr. Crane.
229
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Pick you up at seven?
230
00:12:47,977 --> 00:12:51,337
Ooh, yes! Great!
231
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:03,407
No, Eddie that's not your banana, that's Mr. Pig.
232
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Listen to the difference:
233
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pig, banana! Pig, banana! Pig, banana!
234
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:15,617
Ah, I still love you, you little pinhead. Go sit down.
235
00:13:16,971 --> 00:13:20,277
Oh Frasier, am I glad you're back! Listen, all sorts of....
236
00:13:20,277 --> 00:13:22,679
Dad, please, please! I have just spent the most wonderful six days with Frederick.
237
00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:25,344
I am technically still on vacation till ten a.m. tomorrow.
238
00:13:25,344 --> 00:13:26,415
Yeah, but listen...
239
00:13:26,415 --> 00:13:28,200
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup!
240
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,659
Dad, I do not care to know how hard Daphne made you exercise,
241
00:13:31,659 --> 00:13:34,944
or about the boring foreign film Niles made you sit through,
242
00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:40,793
or about the progress of Eddie's on-again, off-again romance with the ottoman!
243
00:13:40,793 --> 00:13:42,433
But you don't understand...
Dad, please!
244
00:13:42,433 --> 00:13:46,480
For all intents and purposes, I am not here.
245
00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:49,601
That'll be my date! Ooh, I'm so excited,
246
00:13:49,601 --> 00:13:53,082
this is me first ball! Oh, I hope he likes my dress...
247
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:53,490
Daphne?
248
00:13:53,490 --> 00:13:56,973
Hello, Dr. Crane, welcome back!
249
00:13:57,590 --> 00:13:59,078
Hello!
250
00:13:59,078 --> 00:14:04,094
Wow!
Ohhh, you!
251
00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:05,160
Niles?
252
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,289
Oh, Frasier, you're back! Well, our carriage awaits.
253
00:14:07,289 --> 00:14:10,141
And you'd better get her home at a decent hour, I'm gonna be waiting up for you!
254
00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:12,854
Oh, Mr. Crane!
255
00:14:19,336 --> 00:14:21,880
What the hell was that?
256
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:24,385
Eddie, did you hear sumpin'?
257
00:14:24,385 --> 00:14:26,868
Can't be Frasier, he's still on vacation!
258
00:14:26,868 --> 00:14:29,172
Dad, what was that?
259
00:14:29,172 --> 00:14:33,386
Dad, will you stop kidding around? Was that a date? Dad!
260
00:14:48,046 --> 00:14:52,991
Oh, Dr. Crane, it's so beautiful!
261
00:14:52,991 --> 00:14:56,473
Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?
262
00:14:56,473 --> 00:14:59,680
You know, when I was at school I knew a boy named Niles.
263
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:02,362
I called him Niley.
264
00:15:02,362 --> 00:15:06,680
Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?
265
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,556
You're a vision... everyone's staring at you!
266
00:15:09,556 --> 00:15:12,391
Well, you look awfully handsome yourself...
267
00:15:12,391 --> 00:15:14,966
Niles.
268
00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:20,508
Would you like some champagne?
269
00:15:20,508 --> 00:15:22,692
Oh, that would be lovely.
Be back in a moment.
270
00:15:23,382 --> 00:15:24,767
Two champagnes, tout de suite.
271
00:15:24,767 --> 00:15:27,980
Niles, dear! How are you!
272
00:15:27,980 --> 00:15:28,904
Just fine, thanks.
273
00:15:28,904 --> 00:15:30,511
Andrew, say hello to Niles.
274
00:15:30,511 --> 00:15:34,172
Haven't seen you for ages. Feel just terrible about you and Maris.
275
00:15:34,172 --> 00:15:38,499
Oh yes, we were just devastated. Positively everyone's talking about it.
276
00:15:38,499 --> 00:15:39,943
Oh, and how is positively everyone?
277
00:15:39,943 --> 00:15:46,321
Devastated. We were just saying that to Maris, when we ran into her and Bradley Paxton at the Breever's Cup.
278
00:15:46,321 --> 00:15:49,500
No, she was with Calvin Oldi at the Breever's Cup.
279
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:51,641
Well, it's so hard to keep track
280
00:15:51,641 --> 00:15:55,157
anyway. Niles, if there's anything we can do to cheer you up?
281
00:15:55,157 --> 00:15:57,053
Just let us know...
282
00:15:57,053 --> 00:16:00,408
Perhaps a murder-suicide pact.
283
00:16:00,408 --> 00:16:02,687
Well, they weren't very nice!
284
00:16:02,687 --> 00:16:07,325
Well, everyone in our set seems to have this idea that while Maris is out living the high life,
285
00:16:07,325 --> 00:16:09,430
I'm sitting at home, crushed and lonely.
286
00:16:09,430 --> 00:16:12,363
Yeah, well, never mind those gossipy twits.
287
00:16:12,363 --> 00:16:14,566
Tonight, you're all mine.
288
00:16:14,566 --> 00:16:21,043
Now take me in your arms, Niles, and let the music carry us away...
289
00:16:24,827 --> 00:16:28,697
Thank you, we'll be back in ten minutes.
290
00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:49,708
I can't remember when I've had a better time.
291
00:16:49,708 --> 00:16:51,634
I'm on Cloud Nine!
292
00:16:51,634 --> 00:16:55,582
I'd have to look down to see Cloud Nine!
293
00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:59,244
Daphne, I must tell you again, that is an exquisite gown.
294
00:16:59,244 --> 00:17:02,463
Oh, thanks! It was way out of my price range, but
295
00:17:02,463 --> 00:17:09,540
did you ever see something and say, "I just have to have it?"
296
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:12,960
Where's my chair?
297
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,453
A tango!
298
00:17:18,453 --> 00:17:19,680
Oh, you never taught me a tango!
299
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:22,649
Oh, you'll love it! It's perfect for you!
300
00:17:22,649 --> 00:17:27,927
This is a passionate, full-blooded dance that rose up from the slums of Buenos Aires.
301
00:17:27,927 --> 00:17:33,913
Well, the parallels between me and an unemployed gaucho aside, I think we probably should just sit this one out.
302
00:17:33,913 --> 00:17:38,386
Oh, nonsense! There's only one rule in the tango:
303
00:17:38,386 --> 00:17:44,430
our bodies must be in continuous contact, with not a sliver of daylight between us.
304
00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,719
I can do that.
305
00:17:48,946 --> 00:17:50,966
Stop! Don't be afraid!
306
00:17:50,966 --> 00:17:53,221
Daphne won't let anything happen to you.
307
00:17:53,221 --> 00:17:55,122
I don't think-
Don't think!
308
00:17:55,122 --> 00:17:56,934
Just feel.
309
00:17:56,934 --> 00:18:00,102
You're an Argentine slum-dweller.
310
00:18:00,102 --> 00:18:04,635
You have no house, no car, you don't know where your next meal is coming from.
311
00:18:04,635 --> 00:18:06,764
But none of that matters.
312
00:18:06,764 --> 00:18:10,097
Because tonight...
313
00:18:10,097 --> 00:18:11,409
we have the tango!
314
00:18:11,409 --> 00:18:15,301
Oh mama, I've got it all!
315
00:18:22,452 --> 00:18:25,270
That's it! You're dazzling! You're brilliant!
316
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,300
But I feel you're holding back!
317
00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:28,159
I am.
318
00:18:28,159 --> 00:18:31,128
Oh, this is no time for inhibitions!
319
00:18:31,128 --> 00:18:33,274
I know.
320
00:18:34,832 --> 00:18:38,293
Oh. let it out Niles. Let everything out!
321
00:18:38,293 --> 00:18:42,766
Oh Daphne, I adore you!
322
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:49,504
I adore you too!
323
00:18:49,504 --> 00:18:52,520
What?!?!?
324
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:54,769
I adore you too.
325
00:18:54,769 --> 00:18:57,472
Oh, how I've longed to hear those words!
326
00:18:57,472 --> 00:18:59,648
Oh, how I've longed to say them!
327
00:18:59,648 --> 00:19:01,985
You're beautiful! You're a goddess!
328
00:19:01,985 --> 00:19:05,092
I don't ever want this moment to end!
329
00:19:05,092 --> 00:19:07,428
Then let's not let it!
330
00:19:36,697 --> 00:19:39,421
This is the most glorious night of my life.
331
00:19:39,421 --> 00:19:42,774
Oh, mine too...
332
00:19:55,095 --> 00:19:58,609
Oh, Daphne! I'm a new man!
333
00:19:58,609 --> 00:20:00,642
Do you have any idea what I'm feeling?
334
00:20:00,642 --> 00:20:05,997
Of course I do! Your friends look positively dumbstruck.
335
00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:09,741
From now on there'll be no more of that "oh poor Niles" attitude...
336
00:20:09,741 --> 00:20:11,398
Far from it!
337
00:20:11,398 --> 00:20:14,981
I knew you were a good dancer,
338
00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:19,597
but I had no idea you were such a good actor!
339
00:20:19,597 --> 00:20:21,505
Actor?
340
00:20:21,505 --> 00:20:25,228
Yeah! "Daphne, you're a goddess, Daphne, I adore you..."
341
00:20:25,228 --> 00:20:27,811
We fooled everyone, didn't we?
342
00:20:30,361 --> 00:20:35,321
Oh...oh. We certainly did, didn't we?
343
00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:38,196
I'm surprised it was so easy!
344
00:20:38,196 --> 00:20:43,488
Well, given the right circumstances, anyone can be fooled.
345
00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:45,610
Ooh! What do you say to another dance?
346
00:20:45,610 --> 00:20:49,143
No thanks, it's getting late and I've danced enough.
347
00:20:49,143 --> 00:20:54,352
Alright, then! I'll just go powder my nose and then we'll be off.
348
00:21:03,364 --> 00:21:04,688
Niles?
349
00:21:04,688 --> 00:21:06,285
No, no, please.
350
00:21:06,285 --> 00:21:09,726
Claire Barnes? I was an associate in your attorney's office.
351
00:21:09,726 --> 00:21:12,623
Oh, yes, Claire. Uh, it's good to see you again.
352
00:21:12,623 --> 00:21:14,390
Well, I heard about you and Maris.
353
00:21:14,390 --> 00:21:19,288
And I just wanted to give you my card and tell you you're free to call me anytime.
354
00:21:19,288 --> 00:21:21,849
Oh, thank you, but I'm happy with my attorney.
355
00:21:21,849 --> 00:21:25,916
I meant to go dancing.
356
00:21:25,916 --> 00:21:28,865
OH...Thanks..
357
00:21:31,668 --> 00:21:33,390
Well, are you ready?
358
00:21:33,390 --> 00:21:36,034
Ah..
359
00:21:36,034 --> 00:21:37,420
No, I don't think I am.
360
00:21:37,420 --> 00:21:38,559
I beg your pardon?
361
00:21:38,559 --> 00:21:41,780
Er, I mean yes. Uh, let's go.
362
00:21:41,780 --> 00:21:44,334
Well, we certainly had fun tonight, didn't we?
363
00:21:44,334 --> 00:21:45,736
We certainly did.
364
00:21:45,736 --> 00:21:48,950
And to think you almost didn't come to the ball!
365
00:21:48,950 --> 00:21:54,553
You know, it's such a shame when people let fear stop them from trying new things.
366
00:21:55,133 --> 00:21:58,035
Excuse me.
367
00:22:02,658 --> 00:22:05,441
I'm ready now.
29981
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