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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[feedback humming]
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[cheers and applause]
5
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- Chicago, make some noise
not now, but right now,
6
00:00:21,448 --> 00:00:23,482
for the hardest-working
comedian I know.
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00:00:23,517 --> 00:00:25,344
Give it up
for my little brother,
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00:00:25,379 --> 00:00:28,310
Preacher Lawson!
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00:00:28,344 --> 00:00:32,379
[cheers and applause]
10
00:00:40,482 --> 00:00:42,068
- Yeah!
11
00:00:42,103 --> 00:00:43,517
Hi.
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00:00:43,551 --> 00:00:45,482
Get out of here.
13
00:00:45,517 --> 00:00:47,068
[chuckles]
14
00:00:47,103 --> 00:00:48,827
all: Preacher! Preacher!
- Oh, stop that!
15
00:00:48,862 --> 00:00:51,793
Okay, okay!
All right, get out of here.
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00:00:51,827 --> 00:00:53,517
Stop.
All right, all right.
17
00:00:53,551 --> 00:00:55,724
Look, get out of here.
18
00:00:55,758 --> 00:00:59,241
I'm so glad to be here
in Chicago.
19
00:00:59,275 --> 00:01:01,137
[cheers and applause]
20
00:01:01,172 --> 00:01:04,758
Yes.
Yes.
21
00:01:04,793 --> 00:01:06,689
In--in not the wintertime.
22
00:01:06,724 --> 00:01:08,896
Wow, bro,
I don't like that at all.
23
00:01:08,931 --> 00:01:10,827
I was--last time I was here,
I was like--
24
00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:12,689
I think it was like February
or something like that,
25
00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:14,448
and it was way too cold, man.
26
00:01:14,482 --> 00:01:15,862
And I hate telling people
from Chicago it's cold.
27
00:01:15,896 --> 00:01:17,586
They're like, no, it's not.
28
00:01:17,620 --> 00:01:19,620
It was cold, like, a month ago.
29
00:01:19,655 --> 00:01:22,137
It's cold now, okay?
30
00:01:22,172 --> 00:01:23,793
I can see my breath.
I win.
31
00:01:23,827 --> 00:01:25,551
As soon as I got off the plane,
32
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,482
my whole body got ashy
immediately.
33
00:01:27,517 --> 00:01:29,310
That's not supposed to happen.
34
00:01:29,344 --> 00:01:31,724
You ain't supposed to change
races as soon as you...
35
00:01:33,724 --> 00:01:36,793
Uh, I was on a--I was on a show
called "America's Got Talent."
36
00:01:36,827 --> 00:01:38,551
I was on there...
[cheers and applause]
37
00:01:38,586 --> 00:01:40,551
All right, cool.
You've seen it?
38
00:01:40,586 --> 00:01:42,551
Okay, yeah.
39
00:01:42,586 --> 00:01:44,758
I was on "Champions."
40
00:01:44,793 --> 00:01:46,689
I was on, uh, season 12.
That's why--
41
00:01:46,724 --> 00:01:47,827
who's seen me
on season 12, though?
42
00:01:47,862 --> 00:01:49,103
Who's seen me on season--
43
00:01:49,137 --> 00:01:51,344
okay, okay.
44
00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:54,379
Who voted for me, though?
Who voted for--what?
45
00:01:54,413 --> 00:01:56,482
Yeah!
All right!
46
00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,551
Not enough.
[yells]
47
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:00,551
[laughter]
48
00:02:00,586 --> 00:02:02,413
- I'm so sorry!
49
00:02:03,689 --> 00:02:05,586
[laughter continuing]
50
00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:07,517
- 'Cause I lost to
a 12-year-old ventriloquist,
51
00:02:07,551 --> 00:02:08,655
y'all.
52
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:16,379
She didn't open her mouth
the whole time!
53
00:02:19,724 --> 00:02:22,620
You will never know
what it feels like
54
00:02:22,655 --> 00:02:26,896
to lose $1 million to
somebody that still has chores.
55
00:02:26,931 --> 00:02:29,862
You'll never know that feeling.
56
00:02:29,896 --> 00:02:31,931
She believe in cooties.
She got money now.
57
00:02:33,965 --> 00:02:36,413
People ask me still.
You still talk to Darcy?
58
00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:39,206
Bro, she's 14 now.
No, I'm not talking--
59
00:02:39,241 --> 00:02:41,620
What am I going--
Hey, Darcy, how was school?
60
00:02:41,655 --> 00:02:43,482
Like, I'm not talking to a...
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00:02:43,517 --> 00:02:44,896
I'm a grown man.
62
00:02:44,931 --> 00:02:46,620
And she beat me, so I hate her.
63
00:02:46,655 --> 00:02:48,620
Why would I communicate
64
00:02:48,655 --> 00:02:50,620
with someone I hate, man?
65
00:02:50,655 --> 00:02:52,551
Don't hate Darcy.
She's an angel.
66
00:02:52,586 --> 00:02:54,655
She is.
So was the devil, okay?
67
00:02:54,689 --> 00:02:56,620
Now...
68
00:02:56,655 --> 00:02:57,793
and listen, this is my thing.
69
00:02:57,827 --> 00:02:59,517
I don't even care that I--
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00:02:59,551 --> 00:03:00,931
I didn't lose for real.
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00:03:00,965 --> 00:03:02,793
I don't--
I don't think you can--
72
00:03:02,827 --> 00:03:04,586
I don't think you can lose
on that show.
73
00:03:04,620 --> 00:03:05,689
I mean, that--I did not lose.
74
00:03:05,724 --> 00:03:07,793
Y'all know who I am,
so that's cool right there.
75
00:03:07,827 --> 00:03:10,241
You know what I mean?
I think that's great.
76
00:03:10,275 --> 00:03:11,758
Yeah, man.
77
00:03:11,793 --> 00:03:14,551
I did win.
78
00:03:14,586 --> 00:03:15,965
I won 'cause y'all know me.
79
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,034
I was homeless 2 1/2 years ago,
far from that now.
80
00:03:18,068 --> 00:03:19,310
I got money now.
81
00:03:19,344 --> 00:03:22,965
I got way more friends and
family members than I remember.
82
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:27,517
You know, I got--on the show,
Tyra Banks licked my face.
83
00:03:27,551 --> 00:03:29,620
I think I'm doing okay.
84
00:03:29,655 --> 00:03:30,793
That's right.
That's right.
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00:03:30,827 --> 00:03:33,827
I still haven't showered
on this side and I never will.
86
00:03:33,862 --> 00:03:35,689
She licked my face, y'all.
87
00:03:35,724 --> 00:03:37,448
I licked her hand first, right?
88
00:03:37,482 --> 00:03:38,620
She was interviewing me,
89
00:03:38,655 --> 00:03:40,689
and I was like, "I can't
believe it's you, Tyra Banks."
90
00:03:40,724 --> 00:03:41,827
And she was like,
"Yeah, it's me,"
91
00:03:41,862 --> 00:03:43,068
and she puts her hand down.
92
00:03:43,103 --> 00:03:45,689
She was like, "You can pinch
my hand to see if I'm real.
93
00:03:45,724 --> 00:03:47,034
Matter of fact,
you can kiss it."
94
00:03:47,068 --> 00:03:49,517
And I was like, "Kiss it?"
[blows raspberry]
95
00:03:49,551 --> 00:03:51,517
[yells]
96
00:03:54,724 --> 00:03:55,862
'Cause I don't know
when I'ma get
97
00:03:55,896 --> 00:03:58,241
this opportunity again, right?
98
00:03:58,275 --> 00:03:59,689
So I was like,
"This is my chance."
99
00:03:59,724 --> 00:04:02,586
She started laughing.
I was like, "Thank you, Jesus.
100
00:04:02,620 --> 00:04:04,034
I'm not going to jail."
101
00:04:04,068 --> 00:04:05,344
[laughs]
102
00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:07,793
"You laughed.
That's consent."
103
00:04:07,827 --> 00:04:12,793
And so before
I went onstage, right,
104
00:04:12,827 --> 00:04:13,896
she was interviewing me.
105
00:04:13,931 --> 00:04:15,310
She was like--
she was interviewing.
106
00:04:15,344 --> 00:04:16,689
She like,
"You ready to do this?"
107
00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:17,758
I'm like,
"I'm ready to do this."
108
00:04:17,793 --> 00:04:19,034
She was like,
"Go get 'em, tiger."
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00:04:19,068 --> 00:04:21,068
[vocalizes]
I was like, "Ha,
110
00:04:21,103 --> 00:04:23,620
funny you call me a tiger,
'cause I'm feeling great!"
111
00:04:23,655 --> 00:04:26,586
Like the cereal.
112
00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:27,793
And I was walking offstage,
113
00:04:27,827 --> 00:04:28,931
and you know how the judges--
114
00:04:28,965 --> 00:04:31,068
they start to ask you
all these random questions.
115
00:04:31,103 --> 00:04:33,068
Like, hey, Preacher,
what's your favorite color?
116
00:04:33,103 --> 00:04:35,896
You got--you got a girlfriend?
117
00:04:35,931 --> 00:04:37,896
And at the time,
I had a girlfriend,
118
00:04:37,931 --> 00:04:39,551
so I was like,
yeah, man, she cool.
119
00:04:39,586 --> 00:04:41,724
I do my performance,
I get offstage,
120
00:04:41,758 --> 00:04:42,931
Tyra Banks waiting for me.
121
00:04:42,965 --> 00:04:44,551
She mad, right?
122
00:04:44,586 --> 00:04:46,000
She was like, "Why would you
let me lick your face
123
00:04:46,034 --> 00:04:48,034
"on national television,
Preacher?
124
00:04:48,068 --> 00:04:49,931
And you got a girlfriend."
125
00:04:49,965 --> 00:04:52,586
And I replied,
"I let you lick my face, Tyra,
126
00:04:52,620 --> 00:04:54,034
'cause you're Tyra!"
127
00:04:54,068 --> 00:04:57,758
Why would I not let Tyra Banks
lick my face?
128
00:04:57,793 --> 00:05:00,793
If my girl had a chance
for Drake to lick her face,
129
00:05:00,827 --> 00:05:02,689
and she turned him down,
I'm dumping her,
130
00:05:02,724 --> 00:05:04,620
'cause I don't want to date
anybody that stupid.
131
00:05:04,655 --> 00:05:07,724
Are you serious?
132
00:05:07,758 --> 00:05:10,896
Crazy!
That's right!
133
00:05:10,931 --> 00:05:12,137
I'm not even gay.
134
00:05:12,172 --> 00:05:14,965
If I had a chance for Drake
to lick my face,
135
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,689
I am dressing up
like an ice cream cone!
136
00:05:17,724 --> 00:05:19,965
You don't understand, okay?
137
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,655
He about to get all of this.
138
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:22,551
That sounds weird,
139
00:05:22,586 --> 00:05:24,000
but y'all get what I'm saying,
right?
140
00:05:24,034 --> 00:05:25,827
I feel like there's
certain opportunities
141
00:05:25,862 --> 00:05:26,965
you just don't want to pass up.
142
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,620
You know what I mean?
So...
143
00:05:29,655 --> 00:05:32,655
But, uh, yeah, man,
I love that show.
144
00:05:32,689 --> 00:05:35,068
I love it, man.
I love being recognized.
145
00:05:35,103 --> 00:05:37,034
The first time I ever got
recognized three years ago,
146
00:05:37,068 --> 00:05:39,068
walk into Walgreens,
there was, like, five people.
147
00:05:39,103 --> 00:05:41,137
They were like, "Yo, Preacher!
148
00:05:41,172 --> 00:05:43,103
"What's up, man?
How you doing?
149
00:05:43,137 --> 00:05:46,034
When you clock in?"
'Cause I worked there.
150
00:05:46,068 --> 00:05:48,931
But listen, not--
not much longer.
151
00:05:48,965 --> 00:05:51,655
You know what I mean?
It's going great.
152
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:54,413
You know,
I went into Walmart one time,
153
00:05:54,448 --> 00:05:56,068
I got recognized,
it was so cool, man.
154
00:05:56,103 --> 00:05:57,758
There was a kid in line,
and he recognized me.
155
00:05:57,793 --> 00:05:59,827
I was getting cash back.
All I needed was cash back.
156
00:05:59,862 --> 00:06:02,103
And he was like, "Oh, my gosh.
Are you Preacher Lawson?"
157
00:06:02,137 --> 00:06:03,827
I was like, "Yeah, that's me."
158
00:06:03,862 --> 00:06:05,896
He was like, "Yeah, you're
that guy who lost to Darcy."
159
00:06:05,931 --> 00:06:07,206
And I'm...
160
00:06:07,241 --> 00:06:09,103
I'm like, "You could've
stopped ahead of that.
161
00:06:09,137 --> 00:06:10,793
"You didn't have to add
that last part.
162
00:06:10,827 --> 00:06:12,000
But yeah, that's me."
163
00:06:12,034 --> 00:06:13,655
You know, he's like,
"Can I get a picture?"
164
00:06:13,689 --> 00:06:15,103
I was like, "For sure
you can get a picture, man."
165
00:06:15,137 --> 00:06:16,758
Took a picture with him.
He was so hype.
166
00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:18,655
He was like,
"Thank you so much, Mr. Sir."
167
00:06:18,689 --> 00:06:20,724
And I was like,
"I don't even need anything.
168
00:06:20,758 --> 00:06:21,689
I just need cash back."
169
00:06:21,724 --> 00:06:23,034
So I was like,
why not get him something?
170
00:06:23,068 --> 00:06:24,655
So I was like, "Hey, man,
171
00:06:24,689 --> 00:06:26,068
you want some, like,
candy or something?"
172
00:06:26,103 --> 00:06:28,000
And he was like, "Yeah,"
'cause he's, like, I'm a kid.
173
00:06:28,034 --> 00:06:29,931
Like, of course kids--
no kid is actually like,
174
00:06:29,965 --> 00:06:32,724
"Uh, actually, I'm doing keto
right now and I can't do that.
175
00:06:32,758 --> 00:06:33,931
No bread or sugar!"
176
00:06:33,965 --> 00:06:35,172
Like they're not gonna
do that, right?
177
00:06:35,206 --> 00:06:36,758
So I was like,
"You want some candy?"
178
00:06:36,793 --> 00:06:38,137
He was like,
"Yeah, I want some candy."
179
00:06:38,172 --> 00:06:40,862
Then I asked the mom
for permission to buy him candy
180
00:06:40,896 --> 00:06:42,034
'cause you can't
just go up to a kid,
181
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,862
"Hey, little buddy,
how you doing?
182
00:06:44,896 --> 00:06:46,034
You want some candy?"
183
00:06:46,068 --> 00:06:47,137
♪ Come on, buddy!
184
00:06:47,172 --> 00:06:48,965
You know, it's just weird,
185
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,689
and I didn't want
to hurt nobody.
186
00:06:50,724 --> 00:06:52,034
So I was like, "Hey, mom,
187
00:06:52,068 --> 00:06:53,793
is it okay if I get
your son some candy?"
188
00:06:53,827 --> 00:06:54,965
She gave me an attitude.
189
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,034
She like, "Is it before 7:00?"
190
00:06:56,068 --> 00:06:57,137
I was like,
"What is he, a gremlin?
191
00:06:57,172 --> 00:06:59,137
"I don't know what that means.
192
00:06:59,172 --> 00:07:00,965
Can he have some candy or not?"
193
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:02,310
And she was like,
"He can have some candy."
194
00:07:02,344 --> 00:07:04,724
And I was like, "All right, but
she said some, she meant one.
195
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,068
You can have
one piece of candy, bruh."
196
00:07:06,103 --> 00:07:07,724
And he was like,
"Thank you so much."
197
00:07:07,758 --> 00:07:08,620
So he takes a Snickers
198
00:07:08,655 --> 00:07:09,793
and he puts it
on the conveyor belt.
199
00:07:09,827 --> 00:07:12,068
I turn around 'cause I'm about
to pay for it, right?
200
00:07:12,103 --> 00:07:13,172
Feeling good about myself.
201
00:07:13,206 --> 00:07:15,068
And I'm like, you know,
about to hook this kid up
202
00:07:15,103 --> 00:07:16,275
with some candy,
you know what I mean?
203
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:17,827
I feel like a good person
right now.
204
00:07:17,862 --> 00:07:20,551
And then I hear
a light thud, right?
205
00:07:20,586 --> 00:07:22,034
And I was like,
"What--what was that?"
206
00:07:22,068 --> 00:07:23,275
And I turned back around,
guess what I see?
207
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:25,862
Two Snickers
on the conveyor belt.
208
00:07:25,896 --> 00:07:27,965
And I'm like, you know,
"Hey, little stupid kid,
209
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,000
"you know, I-I just told you
210
00:07:30,034 --> 00:07:31,068
"you can have one piece
of candy.
211
00:07:31,103 --> 00:07:32,068
You put two on there."
212
00:07:32,103 --> 00:07:33,206
He's like, "No, I didn't."
213
00:07:33,241 --> 00:07:34,275
I was like,
"Who did then, huh?
214
00:07:34,310 --> 00:07:36,068
"Was--was it
the Snicker monster?
215
00:07:36,103 --> 00:07:37,896
It was you, man.
Quit playing with me."
216
00:07:37,931 --> 00:07:40,068
What is wrong with kids
stealing these days, huh?
217
00:07:40,103 --> 00:07:44,000
First they take
a million dollars, now...
218
00:07:45,551 --> 00:07:49,827
They're trying to take
a Snickers from me.
219
00:07:49,862 --> 00:07:51,793
I said, "Put it back."
220
00:07:51,827 --> 00:07:52,896
He's like, "It wasn't me."
221
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:55,551
And the mom was like,
"Calm down. It wasn't him.
222
00:07:55,586 --> 00:07:58,241
It was me."
223
00:07:58,275 --> 00:08:01,172
And I was like,
"My bad." [chuckles]
224
00:08:01,206 --> 00:08:03,310
"Then pick it up."
225
00:08:06,655 --> 00:08:07,862
"You wanna pick that up
real quick?"
226
00:08:07,896 --> 00:08:08,965
And then she goes,
227
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,931
"I thought you said
you were gonna pay for it."
228
00:08:10,965 --> 00:08:12,137
And I was like,
"I agreed to pay for one."
229
00:08:12,172 --> 00:08:13,241
She was like,
"That's just two."
230
00:08:13,275 --> 00:08:14,586
I was like,
"You know what two is?
231
00:08:14,620 --> 00:08:15,586
"Not one, okay?
232
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:18,241
So you--that's you
right there, you know?"
233
00:08:18,275 --> 00:08:19,275
Then she like, "Just do it."
234
00:08:19,310 --> 00:08:20,793
I was like,
"Just do nothing.
235
00:08:20,827 --> 00:08:22,310
No, I don't owe you
any candy, right?"
236
00:08:22,344 --> 00:08:23,896
Then she tries to seduce me
237
00:08:23,931 --> 00:08:26,137
after she was already rude
to me, right?
238
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,896
She tries seducing--
she was like, "Hey, well,
239
00:08:27,931 --> 00:08:31,137
"You know, well,
maybe if you buy the candy,
240
00:08:31,172 --> 00:08:33,034
maybe I'll give you my number."
241
00:08:33,068 --> 00:08:34,241
[audience cheers]
242
00:08:34,275 --> 00:08:36,206
And I-I was like, "What do you
mean by maybe, though?"
243
00:08:36,241 --> 00:08:38,862
You know, she was like--
she was like,
244
00:08:38,896 --> 00:08:40,793
"I'll think about it."
245
00:08:40,827 --> 00:08:43,103
I was like, "If I'm being
totally honest, right?
246
00:08:43,137 --> 00:08:45,172
You ain't even
two Snickers fine, okay?"
247
00:08:45,206 --> 00:08:47,034
Like...
[audience groans]
248
00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:48,241
She wasn't.
249
00:08:48,275 --> 00:08:50,068
She--she weren't--
she could've gotten away
250
00:08:50,103 --> 00:08:52,137
with black licorice,
cough drops,
251
00:08:52,172 --> 00:08:54,620
that cinnamon fire candy
nobody like.
252
00:08:54,655 --> 00:08:57,068
But she ain't
two Snickers fine; like, she--
253
00:08:57,103 --> 00:08:59,068
she look like me,
you understand?
254
00:08:59,103 --> 00:09:01,379
Not--I don't--I don't think
I'm the most attractive woman.
255
00:09:01,413 --> 00:09:03,344
Like she looked like
she was almost fine.
256
00:09:03,379 --> 00:09:05,206
Like she was going through
a sex machine,
257
00:09:05,241 --> 00:09:07,344
and halfway through,
it just stopped working.
258
00:09:07,379 --> 00:09:11,206
Like, she looked like if you
throw Beyoncé in the microwave
259
00:09:11,241 --> 00:09:14,172
and press popcorn twice,
that's what she looked like.
260
00:09:14,206 --> 00:09:15,931
I got one more.
261
00:09:15,965 --> 00:09:19,310
So she looked like if--
if God was like,
262
00:09:19,344 --> 00:09:21,344
"I'ma make the most perfect
human being ever!"
263
00:09:21,379 --> 00:09:23,310
And then Jesus interrupted God
and was like,
264
00:09:23,344 --> 00:09:24,275
"Daddy!"
265
00:09:24,310 --> 00:09:26,862
And he's like,
"What you need?"
266
00:09:34,068 --> 00:09:36,103
[cheers and applause]
267
00:09:37,896 --> 00:09:42,137
"Jesus, Jesus!
You made me drop another one."
268
00:09:48,758 --> 00:09:50,034
Yeah, man, it's cool, man.
269
00:09:50,068 --> 00:09:51,758
I love--I love traveling
and doing comedy.
270
00:09:51,793 --> 00:09:53,413
I think it's so cool.
I think it's a lot of fun.
271
00:09:53,448 --> 00:09:56,068
I get to be in Chicago,
you know what I mean?
272
00:09:56,103 --> 00:09:58,689
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
273
00:09:58,724 --> 00:10:00,172
Bipolar weather.
274
00:10:00,206 --> 00:10:02,000
[chuckles]
I got to be in Phoenix.
275
00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:03,724
Phoenix is too hot for life.
276
00:10:03,758 --> 00:10:05,000
Have y'all been to Phoenix?
277
00:10:05,034 --> 00:10:06,034
Why is it that hot?
278
00:10:06,068 --> 00:10:07,000
If I lived in Phoenix,
279
00:10:07,034 --> 00:10:09,034
I would try to go to hell
just to cool off.
280
00:10:09,068 --> 00:10:10,413
Like, that's how hot...
281
00:10:10,448 --> 00:10:12,137
Man, I went there.
I was so arrogant.
282
00:10:12,172 --> 00:10:14,034
I was like,
"I don't care how hot it is.
283
00:10:14,068 --> 00:10:16,034
I don't even get sunburns,"
284
00:10:16,068 --> 00:10:18,034
and then Phoenix was like,
"Challenge accepted."
285
00:10:18,068 --> 00:10:20,034
It is so hot.
286
00:10:20,068 --> 00:10:23,103
I was white three weeks ago,
you understand?
287
00:10:23,137 --> 00:10:25,827
I was like, "Why do I keep
getting pulled over?"
288
00:10:25,862 --> 00:10:27,413
You know, it's so weird now.
289
00:10:27,448 --> 00:10:30,172
You know, so, all of a sudden,
it started happening.
290
00:10:30,206 --> 00:10:33,068
And I did a show
in St. Augustine, Florida.
291
00:10:33,103 --> 00:10:34,896
That was cool, man,
St. Augustine, Florida,
292
00:10:34,931 --> 00:10:37,068
is the oldest city in America.
293
00:10:37,103 --> 00:10:38,862
A lot of people don't know that
for some reason.
294
00:10:38,896 --> 00:10:40,103
It's the oldest city
in America.
295
00:10:40,137 --> 00:10:42,034
Another fun fact
about St. Augustine
296
00:10:42,068 --> 00:10:44,965
is the people that first
lived there still do.
297
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,068
So many old people!
Oh, my gosh!
298
00:10:47,103 --> 00:10:48,896
That's like
heaven's waiting room.
299
00:10:48,931 --> 00:10:50,655
You know,
everyone there is old.
300
00:10:50,689 --> 00:10:53,000
Yeah, man, it's also
where they grow white people.
301
00:10:53,034 --> 00:10:55,655
There is no black people
there at all.
302
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:56,827
We're like unicorns.
303
00:10:56,862 --> 00:10:59,137
My shadow ain't even black
in St. Augustine, Florida.
304
00:10:59,172 --> 00:11:00,931
There's three black people
there.
305
00:11:00,965 --> 00:11:02,275
That's not even true.
There's two, 'cause I left.
306
00:11:02,310 --> 00:11:05,034
There's two black people,
and they are ancient.
307
00:11:05,068 --> 00:11:06,241
Like, when
I was performing there,
308
00:11:06,275 --> 00:11:07,862
there was one black lady
in the front row.
309
00:11:07,896 --> 00:11:08,931
She was super old.
310
00:11:08,965 --> 00:11:10,034
Looked like the last survivor
311
00:11:10,068 --> 00:11:12,482
of Harriet Tubman's
Underground Railroad, right?
312
00:11:12,517 --> 00:11:14,241
And she didn't even laugh
at me.
313
00:11:14,275 --> 00:11:17,034
She was just looking at me
mad the whole time.
314
00:11:17,068 --> 00:11:18,724
Like, why are you mad, ma'am?
315
00:11:18,758 --> 00:11:20,137
You should be happy.
You're free now!
316
00:11:20,172 --> 00:11:21,275
You know what I mean?
I mean, it's all good.
317
00:11:21,310 --> 00:11:22,758
You know?
318
00:11:22,793 --> 00:11:23,931
You can laugh at that,
white people.
319
00:11:23,965 --> 00:11:25,206
I can say that, okay?
320
00:11:25,241 --> 00:11:27,310
My best friend black, okay?
321
00:11:27,344 --> 00:11:30,965
I'm good,
I got a black cousin, so...
322
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,724
I'm saying she was old,
she was like 90.
323
00:11:32,758 --> 00:11:34,896
She had braces on.
I was like, "For what?"
324
00:11:34,931 --> 00:11:36,965
Like... little too late now.
325
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,310
Like who--who you trying
to look sexy for, Jesus?
326
00:11:39,344 --> 00:11:41,206
'Cause that's who you about
to meet, okay?
327
00:11:41,241 --> 00:11:43,758
Like, who wear braces
on fake teeth?
328
00:11:43,793 --> 00:11:46,034
You don't think that's weird
that someone...
329
00:11:46,068 --> 00:11:48,068
just order dentures with gaps
in it or something?
330
00:11:48,103 --> 00:11:50,103
That's weird.
331
00:11:50,137 --> 00:11:53,206
Whatever.
Just saying she was old.
332
00:11:53,241 --> 00:11:54,827
I don't know if she was, like,
90 for real.
333
00:11:54,862 --> 00:11:56,034
I don't know.
334
00:11:56,068 --> 00:11:57,482
I don't like guessing women's
ages 'cause I'm a genius.
335
00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:59,275
I'm not stupid.
It's a trap, ain't it?
336
00:11:59,310 --> 00:12:00,551
I don't--yeah.
337
00:12:00,586 --> 00:12:03,000
You don't guess a woman's age,
especially someone younger.
338
00:12:03,034 --> 00:12:04,103
They flip out.
339
00:12:04,137 --> 00:12:06,379
You can be close to the age,
they still flip out.
340
00:12:06,413 --> 00:12:08,344
"What are you like--what are
you like, 25 or something?"
341
00:12:08,379 --> 00:12:12,137
"Twenty-five?
342
00:12:12,172 --> 00:12:14,896
"Are you serious?
Do I really look that old?
343
00:12:14,931 --> 00:12:17,310
Twenty-five?
I'm 24!"
344
00:12:17,344 --> 00:12:20,931
Like, "Shut up.
I was close enough."
345
00:12:20,965 --> 00:12:23,241
Older women, as long as you're
within the same century,
346
00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:25,379
they're fine, like,
they don't even care anymore.
347
00:12:25,413 --> 00:12:27,172
You be like,
"After the moon landing?"
348
00:12:27,206 --> 00:12:30,896
"You such a gentleman!
Oh, my gosh!
349
00:12:30,931 --> 00:12:33,034
So..."
[vocalizing]
350
00:12:33,068 --> 00:12:35,034
Way happier,
you know what I mean?
351
00:12:35,068 --> 00:12:36,551
Right?
352
00:12:36,586 --> 00:12:38,275
And dudes, we try to act
like we don't care, right?
353
00:12:38,310 --> 00:12:40,379
But we care.
I know I care.
354
00:12:40,413 --> 00:12:41,517
I know I'm getting older,
right?
355
00:12:41,551 --> 00:12:43,827
I know I'm getting older,
'cause when I was younger,
356
00:12:43,862 --> 00:12:45,103
people used to tell me
all the time,
357
00:12:45,137 --> 00:12:46,827
"Don't worry about it,
Preacher.
358
00:12:46,862 --> 00:12:49,000
You got your whole life
ahead of you."
359
00:12:49,034 --> 00:12:50,310
You know what they tell me now?
360
00:12:50,344 --> 00:12:52,344
"You still got time."
That's what they tell me.
361
00:12:57,034 --> 00:12:58,275
I guessed this one dude's age.
362
00:12:58,310 --> 00:13:00,965
This is how I know men care
about your ages being guessed,
363
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,931
because I went to the bathroom
and I guessed this dude's--
364
00:13:02,965 --> 00:13:05,172
okay, well, let me explain,
that--that didn't...
365
00:13:05,206 --> 00:13:06,275
I'm not just
kicking down doors.
366
00:13:06,310 --> 00:13:08,965
"How old are you?"
No, I'm not doing that, right?
367
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,034
I was--what happened was,
I went to use the restroom
368
00:13:11,068 --> 00:13:12,344
'cause I drank a coffee that--
369
00:13:12,379 --> 00:13:13,448
you know,
earlier that day.
370
00:13:13,482 --> 00:13:15,068
I don't know
if y'all drink coffee,
371
00:13:15,103 --> 00:13:16,241
but I don't normally
drink coffee,
372
00:13:16,275 --> 00:13:18,034
and when I do, I feel great.
373
00:13:18,068 --> 00:13:19,310
I'm like,
"Man, I'm so energized
374
00:13:19,344 --> 00:13:21,172
"and I feel alert,
and I just--
375
00:13:21,206 --> 00:13:22,379
why don't I drink
more coffee?"
376
00:13:22,413 --> 00:13:24,310
And then my booty's like,
"This is why!"
377
00:13:24,344 --> 00:13:26,448
And then it snuck up on me.
378
00:13:26,482 --> 00:13:28,068
When I went to the bathroom,
I was like--
379
00:13:28,103 --> 00:13:29,172
you know what I mean,
you ever do--
380
00:13:29,206 --> 00:13:30,344
like, you gotta salsa
on your way?
381
00:13:30,379 --> 00:13:34,068
Like I gotta go
to the bathroom, right?
382
00:13:34,103 --> 00:13:35,344
I went to the bathroom,
383
00:13:35,379 --> 00:13:37,241
and it was weird,
because I went into the--
384
00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:38,344
you ever go
to a public restroom,
385
00:13:38,379 --> 00:13:39,448
and you knock on the stall
386
00:13:39,482 --> 00:13:41,034
to see if someone's
in there, right?
387
00:13:41,068 --> 00:13:42,172
I knocked on the stall.
388
00:13:42,206 --> 00:13:44,896
The guy inside said,
"It's open."
389
00:13:54,379 --> 00:13:56,275
I don't know what
he expected me to do.
390
00:13:56,310 --> 00:13:59,172
"Scoot on over!"
Like it was weird, right?
391
00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:01,137
So I went
to the next stall, right?
392
00:14:01,172 --> 00:14:02,413
And, uh, I went to the next--
393
00:14:02,448 --> 00:14:04,241
you ever go to, like,
use the bathroom
394
00:14:04,275 --> 00:14:05,689
and you think you only
gotta pee,
395
00:14:05,724 --> 00:14:07,241
and then you get there,
your body's like,
396
00:14:07,275 --> 00:14:10,000
"Nah, son,
we got more work to do!"
397
00:14:10,034 --> 00:14:11,379
and I destroyed that bathroom.
398
00:14:11,413 --> 00:14:13,137
I couldn't breathe
for 11 seconds.
399
00:14:13,172 --> 00:14:14,482
I lost brain cells.
400
00:14:14,517 --> 00:14:16,482
I was like,
"Why is my arm in the toilet?"
401
00:14:16,517 --> 00:14:18,137
It was so big.
402
00:14:18,172 --> 00:14:19,482
Anyway, so, when I got there,
403
00:14:19,517 --> 00:14:21,689
it was an automatic toilet,
right?
404
00:14:21,724 --> 00:14:23,965
I hate automatic toilets.
I hate automatic anything.
405
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,931
I hate automatic toilets,
I hate automatic lights.
406
00:14:25,965 --> 00:14:27,103
It's stupid.
407
00:14:27,137 --> 00:14:28,379
Why do y'all have automatic
lights in the bathroom?
408
00:14:28,413 --> 00:14:30,034
That don't make any sense.
409
00:14:30,068 --> 00:14:32,034
You ever be in the bathroom,
getting your groove on,
410
00:14:32,068 --> 00:14:33,241
and the lights just shut off?
411
00:14:33,275 --> 00:14:36,137
You're like, "Oh, snap!
I can't see!"
412
00:14:36,172 --> 00:14:38,000
You're over there
throwing toilet paper
413
00:14:38,034 --> 00:14:39,482
to get the sensor to go off.
414
00:14:39,517 --> 00:14:41,103
It is so annoying.
415
00:14:41,137 --> 00:14:42,241
And the stupid
automatic toilet.
416
00:14:42,275 --> 00:14:43,448
People like 'em.
417
00:14:43,482 --> 00:14:45,275
"Oh, they flush automatically.
Oh, cool!"
418
00:14:45,310 --> 00:14:47,689
You don't know when, okay?
All right?
419
00:14:47,724 --> 00:14:49,275
It's like Russian roulette
for your booty.
420
00:14:49,310 --> 00:14:51,034
I don't like that, right?
421
00:14:51,068 --> 00:14:53,103
So I'm--and then, you ever--
422
00:14:53,137 --> 00:14:54,379
you ever have
a good automatic toilet?
423
00:14:54,413 --> 00:14:56,068
You're like, "Man,
I finally got a good one.
424
00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:58,241
I can move a little bit.
Adjust, get a better squeeze."
425
00:14:58,275 --> 00:15:00,172
And then the toilet's like,
"Oh, snap!
426
00:15:00,206 --> 00:15:02,000
Are you getting up
from the toilet?"
427
00:15:02,034 --> 00:15:03,206
Splash!
428
00:15:05,103 --> 00:15:06,379
This is a bidet at this point.
429
00:15:06,413 --> 00:15:08,034
You know what I mean?
430
00:15:08,068 --> 00:15:10,068
So annoying.
431
00:15:10,103 --> 00:15:13,517
So I use the bathroom,
and I'm walking out.
432
00:15:13,551 --> 00:15:16,068
I'm walking out
to wash my hands
433
00:15:16,103 --> 00:15:18,517
'cause I'm not a nasty, right?
434
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:20,310
Actually it's 'cause someone
else was in the bathroom.
435
00:15:20,344 --> 00:15:22,068
'Cause if I was by myself...
[chuckles]
436
00:15:22,103 --> 00:15:24,034
[singing]
437
00:15:24,068 --> 00:15:27,103
Yo, you ever used the bathroom
and you're about to leave,
438
00:15:27,137 --> 00:15:28,172
someone walks in,
and you're like,
439
00:15:28,206 --> 00:15:30,310
"I've gotta wash my hands now,
440
00:15:30,344 --> 00:15:33,172
so they don't know the truth."
441
00:15:33,206 --> 00:15:34,551
Yeah, I'm just playing.
I always wash my hands.
442
00:15:34,586 --> 00:15:37,586
Anyway, so I'm--I'm walking out
to wash my hands,
443
00:15:37,620 --> 00:15:40,000
and then the--the dude
in the other stall--
444
00:15:40,034 --> 00:15:43,413
he just kind of slides
out the bathroom, right?
445
00:15:43,448 --> 00:15:45,034
I'm like,
"What is this dude doing?"
446
00:15:45,068 --> 00:15:46,482
So I greet him, I was like,
"Hey, man, how are you?"
447
00:15:46,517 --> 00:15:49,000
Grown man, he goes,
"I'm doing great.
448
00:15:49,034 --> 00:15:51,034
It's my birthday."
449
00:15:51,068 --> 00:15:52,517
[audience cheers]
450
00:15:54,448 --> 00:15:58,103
I was like, "That was weird,
but happy birthday, sir.
451
00:15:58,137 --> 00:16:00,448
How old are you?"
He's still grown at this point.
452
00:16:00,482 --> 00:16:03,586
He goes, "Guess how old I am."
453
00:16:03,620 --> 00:16:05,379
I'm, like, waiting
on backup dancers
454
00:16:05,413 --> 00:16:07,379
to pop out of the other stalls
at this point.
455
00:16:07,413 --> 00:16:11,068
♪ Guess how old he is
456
00:16:11,103 --> 00:16:12,379
I was like,
"I'll guess how old you are.
457
00:16:12,413 --> 00:16:14,448
I'm not dumb.
I'm not dumb, all right?"
458
00:16:14,482 --> 00:16:17,172
If someone looks like
they're over 50, guess what I--
459
00:16:17,206 --> 00:16:19,103
this is--
this is a tight jacket.
460
00:16:19,137 --> 00:16:21,517
All right, so anyway...
461
00:16:21,551 --> 00:16:24,068
all right, anyway, so he was
like, "Guess how old I am?"
462
00:16:24,103 --> 00:16:25,172
I'm not dumb.
463
00:16:25,206 --> 00:16:27,137
If you look like you're
over 50, guess what I do?
464
00:16:27,172 --> 00:16:29,103
I guess ten years younger
to make you feel good.
465
00:16:29,137 --> 00:16:30,517
I don't guess five,
I guess ten years younger.
466
00:16:30,551 --> 00:16:32,275
I lie.
467
00:16:32,310 --> 00:16:33,586
He looked like
he was around 50.
468
00:16:33,620 --> 00:16:35,241
So I was like,
"How old are you, sir?
469
00:16:35,275 --> 00:16:37,827
Well, I don't know,
40 or something?"
470
00:16:37,862 --> 00:16:40,379
Then he was like,
"How'd you know?"
471
00:16:40,413 --> 00:16:44,275
And I was like, "Damn!"
[groans]
472
00:16:44,310 --> 00:16:46,241
Like, what do you eat?
Cigarettes?
473
00:16:46,275 --> 00:16:48,137
Like, why do you look
like that?
474
00:16:48,172 --> 00:16:50,448
He looked so--
"How many kids do you have?"
475
00:16:50,482 --> 00:16:52,103
He was like, "11."
476
00:16:52,137 --> 00:16:54,379
And I was like, "That's why
you look like that."
477
00:16:54,413 --> 00:16:56,482
If you ever see anybody
with a bunch of kids
478
00:16:56,517 --> 00:16:58,172
but they look amazing,
479
00:16:58,206 --> 00:17:01,172
it's 'cause they don't take
care of their kids, okay?
480
00:17:01,206 --> 00:17:02,551
They are not stressing out.
481
00:17:02,586 --> 00:17:04,551
Like my dad probably look
the same age as me,
482
00:17:04,586 --> 00:17:07,241
'cause I never met him,
so he probably looks like 28.
483
00:17:07,275 --> 00:17:08,724
That's weird that you clapped
for that, bruh.
484
00:17:08,758 --> 00:17:10,206
That was kind of weird
that you--
485
00:17:10,241 --> 00:17:11,655
"His daddy gone!"
486
00:17:11,689 --> 00:17:13,655
That's not something
you clap for.
487
00:17:13,689 --> 00:17:16,310
Look, man, I don't care.
Some of y'all grow up with--
488
00:17:16,344 --> 00:17:18,655
some people grow up
with two sucky parents, right?
489
00:17:18,689 --> 00:17:22,137
I grew up with one amazing mom,
so I feel blessed, man.
490
00:17:22,172 --> 00:17:25,068
I feel blessed.
[cheers and applause]
491
00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:28,724
Yeah.
492
00:17:28,758 --> 00:17:30,482
Is she crazy?
A little bit.
493
00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:33,448
But you're gonna be crazy
raising four kids.
494
00:17:33,482 --> 00:17:35,172
Like, I used to hate
my dad growing up.
495
00:17:35,206 --> 00:17:36,620
I'm like, "When I see him,
I'ma punch him in his face.
496
00:17:36,655 --> 00:17:38,551
I hate him.
Can't believe he left."
497
00:17:38,586 --> 00:17:41,172
Then after a while,
I was like, "I get it."
498
00:17:41,206 --> 00:17:43,310
I got why he left.
499
00:17:43,344 --> 00:17:44,655
I'm not even mad he left now.
500
00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:46,448
You know, I'm mad he didn't
take me with him.
501
00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:47,655
I'm like, "You knew?
502
00:17:47,689 --> 00:17:49,586
What kind of father
just leaves his son?"
503
00:17:49,620 --> 00:17:51,413
No, I'm joking.
My mom's great.
504
00:17:51,448 --> 00:17:52,620
My mom is great.
505
00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:53,620
My mom raised four kids
on her own.
506
00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:56,551
Uh, four kids and--
three boys and one girl,
507
00:17:56,586 --> 00:17:58,448
and the one girl is disabled.
508
00:17:58,482 --> 00:17:59,482
She got cerebral palsy.
509
00:17:59,517 --> 00:18:01,517
So that was a struggle
in itself because, like,
510
00:18:01,551 --> 00:18:03,620
you know,
she learns differently.
511
00:18:03,655 --> 00:18:05,344
She has one leg longer
than the other,
512
00:18:05,379 --> 00:18:06,724
so she limps when she walks.
513
00:18:06,758 --> 00:18:09,793
So, you know, you know kids--
kids aren't mean,
514
00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:12,448
but they just say whatever that
comes to their head, right?
515
00:18:12,482 --> 00:18:14,241
They just be like,
"Why you walk like that?
516
00:18:14,275 --> 00:18:16,275
What's wrong with your leg?
You a pimp?"
517
00:18:16,310 --> 00:18:17,413
They just say whatever.
518
00:18:17,448 --> 00:18:19,620
And you--
and you can't just hit a kid.
519
00:18:19,655 --> 00:18:21,689
Excuse me, you can't
get caught hitting a kid.
520
00:18:21,724 --> 00:18:23,724
You know, you gotta--
you gotta put it into a game.
521
00:18:23,758 --> 00:18:25,379
Let's play tag.
You it!
522
00:18:25,413 --> 00:18:27,448
You know, do what you do.
523
00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:28,965
You know?
524
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,517
You gotta get creative.
[chuckles]
525
00:18:32,827 --> 00:18:34,413
Yeah, man, my mom.
526
00:18:34,448 --> 00:18:36,241
My mom was strict growing up.
527
00:18:36,275 --> 00:18:37,413
She was super strict.
528
00:18:37,448 --> 00:18:39,413
We couldn't watch Batman
growing up.
529
00:18:39,448 --> 00:18:43,310
We couldn't--Halloween was
the devil's birthday, right?
530
00:18:43,344 --> 00:18:44,620
Couldn't have squirt guns.
531
00:18:44,655 --> 00:18:45,862
She like, "Squirt guns
are too much like guns."
532
00:18:45,896 --> 00:18:48,413
I'm like, "I don't think you
ever had a gun before, Mom."
533
00:18:48,448 --> 00:18:50,379
Like, no one--
no one's gonna rob you
534
00:18:50,413 --> 00:18:52,620
with a Super Soaker like,
"Give me all the money, woman,
535
00:18:52,655 --> 00:18:54,517
or your makeup is gone!"
536
00:18:54,551 --> 00:18:57,344
Like, that's not a thing.
That's stupid.
537
00:18:57,379 --> 00:18:58,620
[chuckles]
538
00:18:58,655 --> 00:19:00,689
She used to wash our mouth out
with soap
539
00:19:00,724 --> 00:19:03,344
for saying cuss words
in the house.
540
00:19:03,379 --> 00:19:05,655
With s--I'm not talking about
this gel soap you can just rub.
541
00:19:05,689 --> 00:19:06,724
I'm talking about--
[vocalizing]
542
00:19:06,758 --> 00:19:08,620
That--you know what I mean?
543
00:19:08,655 --> 00:19:10,551
The one you can't breathe with,
544
00:19:10,586 --> 00:19:11,793
for saying cuss words
in the house.
545
00:19:11,827 --> 00:19:16,310
You know, cuss words like
"shut up," "dang it," "stupid."
546
00:19:16,344 --> 00:19:18,620
You know, not cuss words.
547
00:19:20,758 --> 00:19:22,448
Let me say a real cuss word.
548
00:19:22,482 --> 00:19:24,793
Boy, I wish I would say
a real cuss word, all right?
549
00:19:24,827 --> 00:19:26,689
I-I would not.
That's an automatic beatdown.
550
00:19:26,724 --> 00:19:28,586
You don't even got to be
related to my mom
551
00:19:28,620 --> 00:19:30,724
to get whooped
for cussing in her house.
552
00:19:30,758 --> 00:19:32,448
My best friend growing up,
553
00:19:32,482 --> 00:19:34,241
his name was Red,
like the color.
554
00:19:34,275 --> 00:19:36,724
His name used to be Fred,
he cussed in front of my mom,
555
00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:38,482
she beat the F out of him.
556
00:19:38,517 --> 00:19:40,448
And then...
557
00:19:40,482 --> 00:19:42,310
[chuckles]
558
00:19:42,344 --> 00:19:45,344
[cheers and applause]
559
00:19:50,068 --> 00:19:52,275
I like how y'all
just applauded child abuse,
560
00:19:52,310 --> 00:19:53,689
but whatever.
[laughs]
561
00:19:53,724 --> 00:19:55,689
You were like,
"Beat them kids!"
562
00:19:55,724 --> 00:19:58,724
All right, that's cool.
563
00:19:58,758 --> 00:20:00,448
My mom is great, man.
564
00:20:00,482 --> 00:20:02,586
Mommy, she would--she would
never flip out on us, though.
565
00:20:02,620 --> 00:20:04,655
She would never flip out
on us--in public.
566
00:20:04,689 --> 00:20:06,413
You know,
my mom would not flip.
567
00:20:06,448 --> 00:20:08,586
Some--some parents
just lose it on their kids.
568
00:20:08,620 --> 00:20:10,793
My mom--if I was acting up
in public,
569
00:20:10,827 --> 00:20:12,586
she would just hug me,
that's all she would do.
570
00:20:12,620 --> 00:20:14,034
She'd be like,
"You just need some loving.
571
00:20:14,068 --> 00:20:15,206
"That's all you need.
572
00:20:15,241 --> 00:20:16,724
"He just needs some loving.
Get you some love, boy.
573
00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:18,586
"Come here.
Come on!
574
00:20:18,620 --> 00:20:20,482
"You just--come on.
Come here. Come here.
575
00:20:20,517 --> 00:20:23,586
"You wanna die, little boy?
576
00:20:23,620 --> 00:20:26,724
"I will kill you
if you keep on acting up.
577
00:20:26,758 --> 00:20:31,344
"I love you.
All right, you done crying?
578
00:20:31,379 --> 00:20:33,758
"You're all done.
All right.
579
00:20:33,793 --> 00:20:36,724
Sometime he need a hug.
That's all he..."
580
00:20:39,310 --> 00:20:40,586
My mom did some silly stuff.
581
00:20:40,620 --> 00:20:42,034
One time for my birthday,
582
00:20:42,068 --> 00:20:44,793
she bought me
a race car bed, right?
583
00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:48,655
When I was
in high school, so...
584
00:20:48,689 --> 00:20:51,689
I was like, "It's not the kind
of car I wanted, Mom."
585
00:20:51,724 --> 00:20:55,517
She got me a--a race car bed
in high school.
586
00:20:55,551 --> 00:20:58,241
[chuckles]
587
00:20:58,275 --> 00:20:59,689
That's my mom right there,
by the way.
588
00:20:59,724 --> 00:21:02,827
So like...
[cheers and applause]
589
00:21:02,862 --> 00:21:04,827
Am I lying?
590
00:21:04,862 --> 00:21:07,344
[chuckles]
Thank you.
591
00:21:10,793 --> 00:21:13,413
All right,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
592
00:21:13,448 --> 00:21:15,655
Did you not get me
a race car bed in high school?
593
00:21:15,689 --> 00:21:17,655
- It wasn't high school!
- It was high school!
594
00:21:17,689 --> 00:21:18,931
What are you talking about?
595
00:21:18,965 --> 00:21:21,310
She did get me a race car bedin high school!
596
00:21:21,344 --> 00:21:22,655
It was 100% high school.
597
00:21:22,689 --> 00:21:24,413
Yeah, she thought it was
a good idea too.
598
00:21:24,448 --> 00:21:25,758
She was like, "What do
you want for your birthday?"
599
00:21:25,793 --> 00:21:26,793
I was like,
"I don't even care, Mom.
600
00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:28,724
Surprise me."
Then she was like, "Surprise!"
601
00:21:28,758 --> 00:21:31,310
And I was like, "Oh, snap!
602
00:21:31,344 --> 00:21:33,586
This is stupid!"
603
00:21:33,620 --> 00:21:35,448
You got me a race car bed
in high school.
604
00:21:35,482 --> 00:21:38,758
Who the heck buys
a 21-year-old a race car bed?
605
00:21:40,586 --> 00:21:42,655
Who does that, man?
606
00:21:42,689 --> 00:21:44,310
Nah, I couldn't even--
607
00:21:44,344 --> 00:21:46,068
I couldn't even bring
my friends over.
608
00:21:46,103 --> 00:21:47,137
They make fun of me.
609
00:21:47,172 --> 00:21:48,793
"Hey, Preacher,
how fast can you go to sleep?"
610
00:21:48,827 --> 00:21:50,344
I'm like, "Shut up, bruh."
611
00:21:50,379 --> 00:21:51,344
Corny.
612
00:21:52,551 --> 00:21:54,758
So annoying, man.
613
00:21:54,793 --> 00:21:56,551
I peed in that bed
so many times.
614
00:21:56,586 --> 00:21:58,655
You have no idea.
It was a lot.
615
00:21:58,689 --> 00:21:59,793
As a kid, you know,
I'm just saying.
616
00:21:59,827 --> 00:22:01,137
I used to pee in the bed a lot.
617
00:22:01,172 --> 00:22:03,482
I used to wake myself up
peeing in the bed,
618
00:22:03,517 --> 00:22:04,724
and I would just
go back to sleep.
619
00:22:04,758 --> 00:22:06,827
I'd be like, "Too late now."
[snores]
620
00:22:06,862 --> 00:22:08,862
It's already out there.
621
00:22:08,896 --> 00:22:11,000
You can't take it back,
so I was like...
622
00:22:11,034 --> 00:22:13,448
[chuckles]
I don't pee myself anymore.
623
00:22:13,482 --> 00:22:15,724
Last time I peed on myself
was about three weeks ago,
624
00:22:15,758 --> 00:22:17,586
and, uh, it was in--
I was awake.
625
00:22:17,620 --> 00:22:19,137
I was in Nassau, Bahamas.
626
00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:21,413
Make some noise if you've been
in Nassau, Bahamas.
627
00:22:21,448 --> 00:22:23,827
Make some noise.
Hey!
628
00:22:23,862 --> 00:22:25,689
Everybody that cheered,
they got money.
629
00:22:25,724 --> 00:22:26,827
Go rob them.
630
00:22:26,862 --> 00:22:29,379
Anyway,
so I couldn't afford to go.
631
00:22:29,413 --> 00:22:31,724
They flew me out, they put me
in this super nice hotel.
632
00:22:31,758 --> 00:22:33,448
Behind the hotel,
they had a water park, right?
633
00:22:33,482 --> 00:22:34,862
You know what I'm
talking about, right?
634
00:22:34,896 --> 00:22:37,379
The water park.
They had a 70-foot-drop slide.
635
00:22:37,413 --> 00:22:38,758
70-foot-drop slide.
636
00:22:38,793 --> 00:22:40,448
I got to the top of that slide,
637
00:22:40,482 --> 00:22:43,448
and I peed on myself
immediately, right?
638
00:22:43,482 --> 00:22:45,448
Not because I was scared.
I'm not scared.
639
00:22:45,482 --> 00:22:46,586
I've been skydiving.
640
00:22:46,620 --> 00:22:47,758
I'm not scared
of no 70-foot-drop slide.
641
00:22:47,793 --> 00:22:49,689
I peed on myself 'cause
I'm like it's a water park,
642
00:22:49,724 --> 00:22:52,379
and I could probably
get away with it, right?
643
00:22:52,413 --> 00:22:55,620
Halfway down, I'll just
wash it away, you know?
644
00:22:55,655 --> 00:22:57,000
And for some reason,
645
00:22:57,034 --> 00:23:00,000
the ride shut down
right before I got on.
646
00:23:00,034 --> 00:23:02,551
Yeah, it was like, "Sorry,
man, the ride is shut down."
647
00:23:02,586 --> 00:23:03,620
I was like, "Why?"
648
00:23:03,655 --> 00:23:04,896
He's like,
"We had accident."
649
00:23:04,931 --> 00:23:07,758
I was like, "You have no idea
how right you are, actually.
650
00:23:07,793 --> 00:23:11,000
That's why I gotta go on, so
I can wash it away, you know?"
651
00:23:11,034 --> 00:23:12,655
And he was like,
"Wash what away?"
652
00:23:12,689 --> 00:23:13,931
And I was like, "Never mind."
653
00:23:13,965 --> 00:23:17,586
And then he was like,
"Why are you wet?"
654
00:23:17,620 --> 00:23:19,896
And then I tried to play it off
like he was dumb.
655
00:23:19,931 --> 00:23:21,517
I was like, "What do you mean,
why am I wet?
656
00:23:21,551 --> 00:23:23,793
"Bro, we're at a water park.
657
00:23:23,827 --> 00:23:25,758
"Obviously,
I went swimming earlier,
658
00:23:25,793 --> 00:23:27,620
"and then I, um,
I came here after I was--
659
00:23:27,655 --> 00:23:28,689
I was done swimming."
660
00:23:28,724 --> 00:23:29,793
He was like,
"You went swimming?"
661
00:23:29,827 --> 00:23:30,862
I was like, "Yeah."
662
00:23:30,896 --> 00:23:32,517
He's like, "With one leg?"
663
00:23:32,551 --> 00:23:35,724
And I was like,
"Listen, man, like you--you...
664
00:23:35,758 --> 00:23:37,517
"you act like you've
never tipped your toe
665
00:23:37,551 --> 00:23:40,482
"in the pool real quick
to see the temperature.
666
00:23:40,517 --> 00:23:42,655
"Man, I-I just did that
with one leg.
667
00:23:42,689 --> 00:23:46,517
I was like I wonder if it's
cool or not for me to get in."
668
00:23:46,551 --> 00:23:48,517
Right?
669
00:23:48,551 --> 00:23:49,793
And he's like,
"You peed on yourself."
670
00:23:49,827 --> 00:23:50,965
I'm like, "How do you know?"
671
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,068
He's like,
"'Cause you're still peeing."
672
00:23:52,103 --> 00:23:53,689
I was like, "You're right,"
'cause I still was.
673
00:23:53,724 --> 00:23:54,827
I was like, "Whatever."
674
00:23:54,862 --> 00:23:56,034
This was one of them
long morning pees.
675
00:23:56,068 --> 00:23:56,931
You ever do that?
676
00:23:56,965 --> 00:23:58,448
You're like,
it's a record right here,
677
00:23:58,482 --> 00:23:59,379
you know what I mean?
678
00:23:59,413 --> 00:24:00,655
I don't remember
drinking this much water.
679
00:24:00,689 --> 00:24:01,862
All right.
I'm the only one?
680
00:24:01,896 --> 00:24:05,275
All right, whatever...
[chuckles]
681
00:24:05,310 --> 00:24:07,000
That was a long time ago.
I don't do that anymore.
682
00:24:07,034 --> 00:24:08,793
All right, as a kid, yeah.
683
00:24:08,827 --> 00:24:09,965
As a kid,
I used to pee on myself.
684
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,724
I loved being a kid.
685
00:24:11,758 --> 00:24:13,034
When you're a kid,
it's great.
686
00:24:13,068 --> 00:24:16,000
There's no bills,
there's naptime,
687
00:24:16,034 --> 00:24:18,517
you win a million dollars.
688
00:24:18,551 --> 00:24:22,724
You know,
it's just great being a kid.
689
00:24:22,758 --> 00:24:24,586
I'm not mad, it's fine,
but listen,
690
00:24:24,620 --> 00:24:28,586
I'm saying that naptime
used to be a punishment.
691
00:24:28,620 --> 00:24:29,793
Isn't that crazy?
692
00:24:29,827 --> 00:24:31,586
Like we wanted--
we didn't want that then,
693
00:24:31,620 --> 00:24:33,517
but we want it now.
694
00:24:33,551 --> 00:24:35,034
What if you went into work late
and your boss is like,
695
00:24:35,068 --> 00:24:38,034
"Uh, you're late for work.
Go to bed."
696
00:24:38,068 --> 00:24:39,724
[cheers]
697
00:24:39,758 --> 00:24:42,034
You'd be like, "For real?
698
00:24:42,068 --> 00:24:45,000
That's actually why I was late,
because I was in bed."
699
00:24:46,931 --> 00:24:48,517
What if we got
the same punishments
700
00:24:48,551 --> 00:24:50,862
we received as children,
but we got 'em now, right?
701
00:24:50,896 --> 00:24:52,965
Like we get pulled over
for speeding,
702
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:54,862
and instead of the cop
giving us a ticket,
703
00:24:54,896 --> 00:24:57,655
like he walk up to the car
like, "Uh, excuse me.
704
00:24:57,689 --> 00:24:59,034
You know how fast
you were going?"
705
00:24:59,068 --> 00:25:00,965
And then you're like,
"Yeah, yeah, I was--
706
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,689
I was going, like--
I was going 60."
707
00:25:02,724 --> 00:25:07,103
"Oh, 60 in a 45 zone?
Step out of the vehicle.
708
00:25:07,137 --> 00:25:10,103
"Step out in the vehicle
and spread 'em!
709
00:25:10,137 --> 00:25:12,758
"You've been going 60
in a 45--
710
00:25:12,793 --> 00:25:15,620
"oh, so what you're trying
to tell me is, right,
711
00:25:15,655 --> 00:25:18,137
"is that you've seen the sign,
but you don't want to listen.
712
00:25:18,172 --> 00:25:19,931
Okay!"
713
00:25:22,655 --> 00:25:24,586
[cheers and whistling]
714
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,034
That's how my mom with me.
715
00:25:27,068 --> 00:25:28,758
I don't know how y'all
got whooped.
716
00:25:28,793 --> 00:25:29,896
[laughs]
717
00:25:31,862 --> 00:25:34,793
I like--
I like how half y'all laughed
718
00:25:34,827 --> 00:25:36,862
and then--
yeah, there you go.
719
00:25:41,965 --> 00:25:42,965
I like how half y'all laughed.
720
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,931
The other half was like,
"That was a high jump.
721
00:25:44,965 --> 00:25:47,034
That was pretty good."
722
00:25:47,068 --> 00:25:48,793
Surprise.
I'm black.
723
00:25:48,827 --> 00:25:50,965
Okay, come on.
You were surprised.
724
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:52,344
Yeah, yeah.
She can jump like that too.
725
00:25:52,379 --> 00:25:54,586
You know what I'm saying?
[chuckles]
726
00:25:54,620 --> 00:25:57,034
You got whoopings as a kid?
You got whoopings?
727
00:25:57,068 --> 00:25:59,551
What's the worst spanking
you got with what?
728
00:26:02,034 --> 00:26:03,862
You don't remember, bro?
That's child abuse, bro.
729
00:26:03,896 --> 00:26:05,068
You don't even...
730
00:26:05,103 --> 00:26:06,793
I was like,
"What's the worst whooping?"
731
00:26:06,827 --> 00:26:09,103
"What's my name?
I know this.
732
00:26:09,137 --> 00:26:11,172
They tell that to me
all the time."
733
00:26:11,206 --> 00:26:12,965
What if someone just walked in
here right now
734
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:14,068
while I'm putting on my belt?
735
00:26:14,103 --> 00:26:17,137
Like, what kind of show
is going on right here?
736
00:26:17,172 --> 00:26:20,103
I thought there was a pastor
onstage and he's getting...
737
00:26:21,827 --> 00:26:24,137
Getting naked.
738
00:26:24,172 --> 00:26:25,724
You don't remember
what the worst thing
739
00:26:25,758 --> 00:26:26,862
you got whooped with?
740
00:26:26,896 --> 00:26:28,724
I'ma ask the black people
next to you.
741
00:26:28,758 --> 00:26:30,000
Y'all know.
All right.
742
00:26:30,034 --> 00:26:31,689
What's the worst whooping
you got with what?
743
00:26:31,724 --> 00:26:33,103
- A pen.
- A pen?
744
00:26:33,137 --> 00:26:36,137
Yo, how do you get whooped
with a pen?
745
00:26:36,172 --> 00:26:38,137
"You do your homework, Jamal?"
746
00:26:40,689 --> 00:26:42,655
"I ain't doing nothing, mama.
Shut up!"
747
00:26:42,689 --> 00:26:43,931
"What?"
748
00:26:43,965 --> 00:26:46,000
Like you--I don't even know
what you did, you deserve it.
749
00:26:46,034 --> 00:26:47,655
You know what I mean?
Like that's--
750
00:26:47,689 --> 00:26:48,724
That's some--black--yeah.
751
00:26:48,758 --> 00:26:50,172
See, one time,
my mom beat me with my brother.
752
00:26:50,206 --> 00:26:52,172
So I understand
where you're coming from.
753
00:26:52,206 --> 00:26:54,862
For real,
she was mad at both of us.
754
00:26:54,896 --> 00:26:56,965
She was like, "I'm gonna kill
two stones with one bird."
755
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,034
And then she got us.
756
00:27:00,965 --> 00:27:03,241
[laughter]
757
00:27:03,275 --> 00:27:04,793
Shut up,
y'all knew what I meant!
758
00:27:04,827 --> 00:27:06,896
Okay, it don't matter
where the stone
759
00:27:06,931 --> 00:27:08,758
and the bird and stuff is at.
760
00:27:08,793 --> 00:27:11,172
Same time.
You got what I was saying.
761
00:27:11,206 --> 00:27:13,310
It don't matter.
I'm not dumb.
762
00:27:13,344 --> 00:27:16,000
I'm not--I'm not the dumb one
in the family.
763
00:27:16,034 --> 00:27:17,241
Everybody got a dumb person
in the family,
764
00:27:17,275 --> 00:27:19,931
and if you don't think so,
it's you, all right?
765
00:27:19,965 --> 00:27:21,931
Just saying.
766
00:27:21,965 --> 00:27:23,275
Everybody got one dumb person.
767
00:27:23,310 --> 00:27:25,241
I like how you just--
you pointed to your sister.
768
00:27:25,275 --> 00:27:27,724
Like you just--
why would you point to--
769
00:27:27,758 --> 00:27:31,034
she was like, "It's you!"
Like that's--that's hilarious.
770
00:27:31,068 --> 00:27:33,103
Yeah, it's my brother, Justin.
Obviously, right?
771
00:27:33,137 --> 00:27:35,724
That's--everyone knows
he the dumb one in the family.
772
00:27:35,758 --> 00:27:37,793
Anyway, so this--this--
but this is the thing.
773
00:27:37,827 --> 00:27:40,103
My mom thinks I'm the dumb one
in the family.
774
00:27:40,137 --> 00:27:41,827
And I know my mom thinks
I'm the dumb one,
775
00:27:41,862 --> 00:27:43,793
'cause when I was eight,
she spelled out a word
776
00:27:43,827 --> 00:27:45,241
she didn't want me knowing.
777
00:27:45,275 --> 00:27:46,965
You know how some of y'all
do your kids?
778
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:48,241
"No more drink for Timmy,
779
00:27:48,275 --> 00:27:52,034
'cause he's
about to go to B-E-D."
780
00:27:52,068 --> 00:27:54,034
That's what my mom did with--
to me.
781
00:27:54,068 --> 00:27:56,724
You know what she spelled out
when I was eight?
782
00:27:56,758 --> 00:27:58,068
My name.
783
00:27:59,931 --> 00:28:01,137
She thought I was so dumb,
784
00:28:01,172 --> 00:28:03,241
she could spell my name
in front of me when I was eight
785
00:28:03,275 --> 00:28:04,862
and I wouldn't know it.
786
00:28:04,896 --> 00:28:07,241
In front of my brother,
who's dumb, right?
787
00:28:07,275 --> 00:28:09,034
She said,
"Keep it a secret, Justin.
788
00:28:09,068 --> 00:28:13,310
Do not tell P-R-E-A-C-H-E-R."
789
00:28:13,344 --> 00:28:16,068
And I'm sitting there like,
"P-R--that's me."
790
00:28:21,034 --> 00:28:24,000
My brother over there,
"P-R-E..."
791
00:28:33,413 --> 00:28:36,172
"Okay, carry the 'A.'
All right."
792
00:28:38,103 --> 00:28:41,827
"Yo, Preacher,
who the heck is Pikachu?"
793
00:28:46,137 --> 00:28:47,793
Yeah, man.
794
00:28:47,827 --> 00:28:49,344
One time, this man
called me up, crying about Mom.
795
00:28:49,379 --> 00:28:50,344
He was crying.
796
00:28:50,379 --> 00:28:52,241
He's like, "Man, I'm so tired
of Mom, man.
797
00:28:52,275 --> 00:28:54,862
"Giving me chores, telling me
what time to come in the house.
798
00:28:54,896 --> 00:28:55,793
I'm running away!"
799
00:28:55,827 --> 00:28:57,206
I'm like,
"You can't run away, Justin."
800
00:28:57,241 --> 00:28:58,896
He's like, "Why?"
I'm like,
801
00:28:58,931 --> 00:29:00,379
"'Cause you're 29, okay?
802
00:29:00,413 --> 00:29:02,034
Like that's--
that's moving out."
803
00:29:02,068 --> 00:29:03,103
You know what I'm saying?
804
00:29:03,137 --> 00:29:04,310
It's not even running away
anymore.
805
00:29:04,344 --> 00:29:05,862
And I hope he does move out,
806
00:29:05,896 --> 00:29:07,000
'cause I hate sharing
a room with him.
807
00:29:07,034 --> 00:29:08,103
It's really annoying.
808
00:29:08,137 --> 00:29:09,862
Like this dude
is always sleeping naked.
809
00:29:09,896 --> 00:29:11,310
I wouldn't even care
if he slept naked
810
00:29:11,344 --> 00:29:12,931
if we had separate beds,
811
00:29:12,965 --> 00:29:16,172
but he always on my side
of the race car bed.
812
00:29:16,206 --> 00:29:20,103
I'm like, "Man, dude.
This ain't no UberPool."
813
00:29:20,137 --> 00:29:21,206
I feel like I should
let y'all know
814
00:29:21,241 --> 00:29:22,862
I like women right now.
815
00:29:22,896 --> 00:29:27,241
All right, so I like--like--
I like women, all right?
816
00:29:27,275 --> 00:29:29,206
Uh, we have an older brother
as well named Joshua.
817
00:29:29,241 --> 00:29:30,965
He likes women as well.
818
00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:34,896
He just likes men way more,
you know what I mean?
819
00:29:34,931 --> 00:29:36,137
'Cause he gay.
820
00:29:36,172 --> 00:29:38,965
Uh, so we found out
he was gay last year.
821
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:40,137
That's not even true.
822
00:29:40,172 --> 00:29:41,344
We didn't find out
he was gay last year.
823
00:29:41,379 --> 00:29:43,344
He just told us he was gay
last year.
824
00:29:43,379 --> 00:29:46,965
We knew the whole time.
We knew.
825
00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:48,620
We knew!
826
00:29:48,655 --> 00:29:50,172
It was so obvious
827
00:29:50,206 --> 00:29:51,896
to the point where,
when we told me,
828
00:29:51,931 --> 00:29:52,896
I took it as disrespect.
829
00:29:52,931 --> 00:29:56,034
I'm like, "How dumb do you
think I am, bruh?
830
00:29:56,068 --> 00:29:58,448
I grew up with you, man,
and you played the clarinet."
831
00:29:58,482 --> 00:30:02,310
You know, like,
there were clues growing up.
832
00:30:04,034 --> 00:30:05,275
This is how he told us.
833
00:30:05,310 --> 00:30:07,206
We're having a family dinner.
He took his cup and a fork.
834
00:30:07,241 --> 00:30:09,034
He was like, ting, ting, ting.
835
00:30:09,068 --> 00:30:12,206
"I got something
to tell y'all!"
836
00:30:19,931 --> 00:30:21,275
I was like, "What you got
to tell us, man?"
837
00:30:21,310 --> 00:30:23,034
He started crying
all over my shoulder.
838
00:30:23,068 --> 00:30:24,172
He's like, "I'm gay, though!"
839
00:30:24,206 --> 00:30:25,206
I'm like, "First off,
840
00:30:25,241 --> 00:30:29,379
"you're getting your mascara
all over me, man.
841
00:30:29,413 --> 00:30:31,862
"Second off, I knew
you was gay growing up, man.
842
00:30:31,896 --> 00:30:34,620
You had a diary.
That's how I knew you was gay."
843
00:30:34,655 --> 00:30:35,551
I didn't even read it.
844
00:30:35,586 --> 00:30:37,862
The fact he had one,
I was like, "Gay!"
845
00:30:37,896 --> 00:30:39,965
I already knew, right?
846
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:41,034
I never had a diary.
847
00:30:41,068 --> 00:30:44,034
I had a journal,
but that's way different, okay?
848
00:30:44,068 --> 00:30:45,310
Ugh!
849
00:30:45,344 --> 00:30:49,137
That's like,
'cause I didn't put dates.
850
00:30:51,034 --> 00:30:52,172
You can tell, man.
851
00:30:52,206 --> 00:30:54,034
I feel bad for him,
'cause as a kid,
852
00:30:54,068 --> 00:30:55,379
we all agreed
girls had cooties,
853
00:30:55,413 --> 00:30:57,241
and he just stuck
to what he believed in.
854
00:30:57,275 --> 00:30:58,896
You know what I mean?
And...
855
00:31:00,482 --> 00:31:03,068
He's a smart dude.
He speaks three languages.
856
00:31:03,103 --> 00:31:05,103
Spanish, English, Japanese.
857
00:31:05,137 --> 00:31:07,413
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
858
00:31:07,448 --> 00:31:10,172
Yeah, my mom speaks
4 1/2 languages.
859
00:31:10,206 --> 00:31:12,310
Spanish, English, French,
Mandarin Chinese,
860
00:31:12,344 --> 00:31:15,103
and a little bit of Italian.
861
00:31:15,137 --> 00:31:19,241
Yeah.
Yeah.
862
00:31:19,275 --> 00:31:22,000
I don't mean to brag,
but I speak loudly,
863
00:31:22,034 --> 00:31:24,344
and, um, got my master's.
864
00:31:24,379 --> 00:31:27,379
My--my grandma speaks
two languages.
865
00:31:27,413 --> 00:31:30,241
She speaks English
and in tongues all the time.
866
00:31:30,275 --> 00:31:32,344
Okay, you can't even talk
to my grandma
867
00:31:32,379 --> 00:31:33,379
without her bringing up God.
868
00:31:33,413 --> 00:31:35,310
You know, she's like,
"How you doing, baby?"
869
00:31:35,344 --> 00:31:36,241
"Oh, I'm doing good."
"Good?
870
00:31:36,275 --> 00:31:38,241
"That's God with two O's.
871
00:31:38,275 --> 00:31:41,413
Hey!"
[babbling]
872
00:31:41,448 --> 00:31:44,413
That's her the whole time.
873
00:31:44,448 --> 00:31:45,517
I don't like when she prays.
874
00:31:45,551 --> 00:31:47,275
She pray a little too long
for me.
875
00:31:47,310 --> 00:31:49,241
You know, like,
every time she about to pray,
876
00:31:49,275 --> 00:31:50,931
I'm like, "Oh, God."
877
00:31:50,965 --> 00:31:53,103
Even God look down like,
"Ah, Myself!"
878
00:31:53,137 --> 00:31:56,000
Like it just takes so long
879
00:31:56,034 --> 00:31:58,000
for her to finish praying.
880
00:31:58,034 --> 00:31:59,931
Like, this is how spiritual
my grandma is.
881
00:31:59,965 --> 00:32:02,344
If I got shot in the chest
with a gun eight times,
882
00:32:02,379 --> 00:32:04,000
instead of her calling
the ambulance,
883
00:32:04,034 --> 00:32:05,379
she would get on her knees
praying like,
884
00:32:05,413 --> 00:32:07,172
"Please, Lord Jesus!
885
00:32:07,206 --> 00:32:08,448
"Now get these eight demons
886
00:32:08,482 --> 00:32:10,310
"outside my grandbaby's chest.
887
00:32:10,344 --> 00:32:13,448
"Let the bullets rise up,
part ways from his chest
888
00:32:13,482 --> 00:32:16,068
"like Moses did the Red Sea!
889
00:32:16,103 --> 00:32:17,310
"Yes, Lord!
890
00:32:17,344 --> 00:32:21,172
"Let the blessings rain down
from the windows
891
00:32:21,206 --> 00:32:22,310
"to the walls!
892
00:32:22,344 --> 00:32:25,344
"Let all the blessings fall!
893
00:32:25,379 --> 00:32:29,206
Yes, Lord.
Yes, Lord."
894
00:32:32,103 --> 00:32:34,310
"Yes, Lord.
895
00:32:34,344 --> 00:32:38,551
Turn down for what,
Lord Jesus?"
896
00:32:44,206 --> 00:32:46,068
Lil Jon 3:16.
897
00:32:50,344 --> 00:32:51,310
What--
yo, what is the minimum wage
898
00:32:51,344 --> 00:32:53,172
out here in Chicago?
What's the minimum wage?
899
00:32:53,206 --> 00:32:55,068
[scattered responses]
900
00:32:55,103 --> 00:32:58,586
Y'all live in the same Chicago?
What's going on?
901
00:32:58,620 --> 00:33:01,275
It should've been one answer.
What is it?
902
00:33:01,310 --> 00:33:02,448
Eleven?
903
00:33:02,482 --> 00:33:04,241
What's the server wage
out here?
904
00:33:04,275 --> 00:33:05,379
[scattered responses]
905
00:33:05,413 --> 00:33:07,103
Four-something.
Okay.
906
00:33:07,137 --> 00:33:09,586
All right, so servers get paid
like 4-something an hour,
907
00:33:09,620 --> 00:33:11,379
and then, like, there's
like minimum wage, right?
908
00:33:11,413 --> 00:33:12,448
A lot of people,
for some reason,
909
00:33:12,482 --> 00:33:14,517
they think that servers
get paid minimum wage,
910
00:33:14,551 --> 00:33:16,448
and then the tips
are just extra.
911
00:33:16,482 --> 00:33:18,379
But that's not true.
They need money, all right?
912
00:33:18,413 --> 00:33:20,620
So a lot of people might
go out to eat,
913
00:33:20,655 --> 00:33:22,241
and they're like, "Oh, I only
got enough money to eat.
914
00:33:22,275 --> 00:33:23,517
I don't got enough money
to tip."
915
00:33:23,551 --> 00:33:24,689
And it's like, look, if you
don't got enough money to tip,
916
00:33:24,724 --> 00:33:26,482
you know, you probably
shouldn't be going out to eat.
917
00:33:26,517 --> 00:33:28,344
Like, you need to stay
at the house.
918
00:33:28,379 --> 00:33:31,517
Get you a Lunchable, you know?
919
00:33:33,310 --> 00:33:35,379
Quit being annoying.
I used to serve.
920
00:33:35,413 --> 00:33:36,586
I just know what it's like,
man.
921
00:33:36,620 --> 00:33:38,655
We used to get robbed
during the holidays.
922
00:33:38,689 --> 00:33:41,034
It sucked, yeah, man,
'cause we walk out with cash,
923
00:33:41,068 --> 00:33:42,241
so they're like, "That's
easy money, right there."
924
00:33:42,275 --> 00:33:43,344
You know?
925
00:33:43,379 --> 00:33:44,379
They'd rob us, so they're like,
926
00:33:44,413 --> 00:33:46,206
"All right, man,
we gotta stop getting robbed.
927
00:33:46,241 --> 00:33:48,241
"So like, there's too many
people getting robbed,
928
00:33:48,275 --> 00:33:49,448
"and they're walking out
by yourself.
929
00:33:49,482 --> 00:33:51,344
"So you can't walk out
by yourself anymore!
930
00:33:51,379 --> 00:33:53,310
"You gotta have another
person to walk out with.
931
00:33:53,344 --> 00:33:55,034
"All right, it's called
the buddy system.
932
00:33:55,068 --> 00:33:56,482
"'Cause if you walk out
with another person,
933
00:33:56,517 --> 00:33:58,103
that way, you're invincible."
934
00:33:58,137 --> 00:34:00,448
It doesn't do anything.
It does nothing.
935
00:34:00,482 --> 00:34:02,103
You're giving
the robber more money.
936
00:34:02,137 --> 00:34:03,448
That's all you're doing.
937
00:34:03,482 --> 00:34:04,896
You're supposed to be doing
two-for-one deals
938
00:34:04,931 --> 00:34:06,068
at the restaurant,
not for the robber.
939
00:34:06,103 --> 00:34:08,655
Like, you--you ain't gonna run
into somebody with a gun
940
00:34:08,689 --> 00:34:10,482
and they be like,
"Give me all the money!
941
00:34:10,517 --> 00:34:12,241
"Oh, it's two of y'all?
942
00:34:12,275 --> 00:34:14,448
"Dang it, man!
Dang!
943
00:34:14,482 --> 00:34:15,413
"I only brought one bullet!
944
00:34:15,448 --> 00:34:17,551
All right, check it out.
Single file line!"
945
00:34:17,586 --> 00:34:20,344
Like it's not a thing.
It's dumb.
946
00:34:21,482 --> 00:34:22,620
Super stupid, man.
947
00:34:22,655 --> 00:34:24,551
But I used to live in Orlando
when it was--it was, uh,
948
00:34:24,586 --> 00:34:25,620
it was hard to get a job there,
949
00:34:25,655 --> 00:34:26,896
which is weird
'cause they got--
950
00:34:26,931 --> 00:34:28,448
there's plenty
of opportunities there.
951
00:34:28,482 --> 00:34:30,620
They got Disney World,
SeaWorld,
952
00:34:30,655 --> 00:34:32,172
all these amusement parks.
953
00:34:32,206 --> 00:34:34,655
They got a Wet 'n Wild,
they got a Fun Spot.
954
00:34:34,689 --> 00:34:36,689
They got a--they got
a Christian amusement park
955
00:34:36,724 --> 00:34:39,172
called
Holy Land Experience.
956
00:34:39,206 --> 00:34:40,655
Have y'all--who have--
who's heard of that?
957
00:34:40,689 --> 00:34:42,896
Make some noise.
Okay, all right.
958
00:34:42,931 --> 00:34:44,896
'Cause for some reason,
people think I'm lying
959
00:34:44,931 --> 00:34:46,586
when I say there's
a Christian amusement park.
960
00:34:46,620 --> 00:34:48,344
There's an actual
Christian amusement park
961
00:34:48,379 --> 00:34:49,448
called Holy Land Experience,
962
00:34:49,482 --> 00:34:50,689
where the actual rides--
963
00:34:50,724 --> 00:34:51,896
they got this one ride
at Holy Land
964
00:34:51,931 --> 00:34:55,310
that goes like 90 feet
in the air and just drops down.
965
00:34:55,344 --> 00:34:57,310
It's called Go to Hell,
and, uh--
966
00:34:57,344 --> 00:34:58,655
okay, I made it up.
967
00:34:58,689 --> 00:35:00,620
I lied, I lied.
But what if they did?
968
00:35:00,655 --> 00:35:02,275
"Hey, skip in line.
You deserve it.
969
00:35:02,310 --> 00:35:03,655
"Man, go to hell.
970
00:35:03,689 --> 00:35:05,551
Go ahead.
Go on."
971
00:35:08,206 --> 00:35:10,482
I used to--I used to apply
for jobs a lot.
972
00:35:10,517 --> 00:35:12,172
They wouldn't give me a job.
973
00:35:12,206 --> 00:35:14,344
Everywhere I go, I go to--
I go to, uh,
974
00:35:14,379 --> 00:35:15,551
I go to McDonald's.
975
00:35:15,586 --> 00:35:17,655
"Oh, we're only hiring managers
and assistant managers."
976
00:35:17,689 --> 00:35:19,482
I go to Southwest Airlines.
977
00:35:19,517 --> 00:35:21,379
"Oh, you gotta be certified
to fly a plane."
978
00:35:21,413 --> 00:35:23,655
Shut up.
I went...
979
00:35:23,689 --> 00:35:25,724
I went to the, uh, Florida mall
980
00:35:25,758 --> 00:35:27,413
to apply to be
a security guard,
981
00:35:27,448 --> 00:35:28,689
which I thought
would be super easy,
982
00:35:28,724 --> 00:35:30,551
'cause have y'all seen
mall security?
983
00:35:30,586 --> 00:35:31,965
They're not real security.
984
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:33,620
Like they're professional
tattle tellers,
985
00:35:33,655 --> 00:35:34,689
you know what I mean?
986
00:35:34,724 --> 00:35:37,241
Like, they got
plastic handcuffs.
987
00:35:37,275 --> 00:35:38,620
As long as you bring scissors,
988
00:35:38,655 --> 00:35:41,275
when you steal something,
you're free, right?
989
00:35:41,310 --> 00:35:43,379
So I just assumed they was
going to give me the job.
990
00:35:43,413 --> 00:35:44,551
So I was like,
"When do I start?"
991
00:35:44,586 --> 00:35:46,344
They were like, "Oh, in order
for you to work here,
992
00:35:46,379 --> 00:35:47,793
"you've got to take
a 40-hour class, all right?
993
00:35:47,827 --> 00:35:49,379
"Take the 40-hour class,
994
00:35:49,413 --> 00:35:50,586
"and you're done
taking the class,
995
00:35:50,620 --> 00:35:51,965
"they're gonna give you
a test, all right?
996
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:53,965
"Take the test,
and when you pass the test,
997
00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:57,275
you'll get a certificate."
[speaking gibberish]
998
00:35:57,310 --> 00:35:58,586
It was so annoying, right?
999
00:35:58,620 --> 00:36:00,551
But I really needed the job.
1000
00:36:00,586 --> 00:36:02,448
So I took the 40-hour class,
1001
00:36:02,482 --> 00:36:03,862
took me three weeks
for some reason,
1002
00:36:03,896 --> 00:36:05,827
and when I came back,
I was like,
1003
00:36:05,862 --> 00:36:07,448
"Hey y'all,
guess who's certified
1004
00:36:07,482 --> 00:36:08,620
to be a security guard?
1005
00:36:08,655 --> 00:36:09,827
They're like,
"Sorry, but we just hired
1006
00:36:09,862 --> 00:36:11,620
another candidate for the job."
1007
00:36:11,655 --> 00:36:12,793
And I'm like, "All right, well,
1008
00:36:12,827 --> 00:36:13,965
"I'm about to blow up
this mall,
1009
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:18,344
"because it just took me
three weeks to do this class,
1010
00:36:18,379 --> 00:36:20,344
and you ain't gonna hire me,
is that what you're saying?"
1011
00:36:20,379 --> 00:36:21,689
They're like, "Sorry,
but if we have an opening,
1012
00:36:21,724 --> 00:36:23,034
we'll let you know."
1013
00:36:23,068 --> 00:36:23,931
I was like, "You don't need
to let me know,
1014
00:36:23,965 --> 00:36:25,448
'cause I don't need
this stupid job!"
1015
00:36:25,482 --> 00:36:26,482
But I didn't say that out loud,
1016
00:36:26,517 --> 00:36:27,586
'cause I needed
that stupid job.
1017
00:36:27,620 --> 00:36:29,482
So I was like, "Yeah,
whenever you get a chance,
1018
00:36:29,517 --> 00:36:30,689
let me know."
And so I was walking out,
1019
00:36:30,724 --> 00:36:31,793
and I was calming down,
and I was like,
1020
00:36:31,827 --> 00:36:33,034
"Whoosah, Preach.
You'll be fine.
1021
00:36:33,068 --> 00:36:34,137
"There's plenty of jobs
out there.
1022
00:36:34,172 --> 00:36:36,689
You don't need this job,"
and I was calming down.
1023
00:36:36,724 --> 00:36:38,689
And then--
and then until I seen the guy
1024
00:36:38,724 --> 00:36:41,275
they hired instead of me,
then I flipped out,
1025
00:36:41,310 --> 00:36:45,586
because the guy they hired
instead of me had no arms.
1026
00:36:45,620 --> 00:36:47,758
I don't think that some
of y'all heard me, right?
1027
00:36:47,793 --> 00:36:51,034
So the guy they hired
instead of me
1028
00:36:51,068 --> 00:36:52,689
had no arms, y'all!
1029
00:36:52,724 --> 00:36:55,310
I was so mad,
I wanted to steal something
1030
00:36:55,344 --> 00:36:58,586
just 'cause I know
he can't do anything...
1031
00:36:58,620 --> 00:37:00,310
if I stole something.
1032
00:37:00,344 --> 00:37:02,310
What could
a no-arm security guard do?
1033
00:37:02,344 --> 00:37:05,310
"Hey!
1034
00:37:05,344 --> 00:37:07,068
"Did you pay
for them bag of M&Ms?
1035
00:37:07,103 --> 00:37:09,517
"Oh, you didn't pay.
Let me tell you something, boy.
1036
00:37:09,551 --> 00:37:11,724
"You have the right
to remain silent!
1037
00:37:11,758 --> 00:37:14,068
"Anything you do can
and will be used against you.
1038
00:37:14,103 --> 00:37:15,758
"In the food court
of the mall,
1039
00:37:15,793 --> 00:37:17,793
"get these plastic cuffs
1040
00:37:17,827 --> 00:37:20,758
"out of the back of my pocket
and arrest yourself!
1041
00:37:20,793 --> 00:37:23,068
"Get these cuffs out
of the back of my pocket!
1042
00:37:23,103 --> 00:37:26,655
And arrest--" it's like,
I would just trip him.
1043
00:37:26,689 --> 00:37:27,896
"Ooh, did you trip me?
1044
00:37:27,931 --> 00:37:30,310
"As soon as somebody
rolls me over,
1045
00:37:30,344 --> 00:37:32,379
"it is going down.
1046
00:37:32,413 --> 00:37:34,793
You done messed up!"
1047
00:37:36,827 --> 00:37:38,517
And he be like--
he be like,
1048
00:37:38,551 --> 00:37:39,655
"Put your hands
behind your back."
1049
00:37:39,689 --> 00:37:41,862
And I'm like, "You first."
1050
00:37:47,689 --> 00:37:49,310
I know I'm going to hell
for that.
1051
00:37:49,344 --> 00:37:50,724
I already know, okay?
1052
00:37:50,758 --> 00:37:52,517
I just didn't want to go alone.
Thanks for laughing.
1053
00:37:52,551 --> 00:37:54,344
You're a part of it now.
1054
00:37:54,379 --> 00:37:57,413
We're all going
on the Holy Land ride.
1055
00:37:57,448 --> 00:37:58,862
I need a cigarette.
1056
00:37:58,896 --> 00:38:00,827
I don't smoke cigarettes,
but I know--
1057
00:38:00,862 --> 00:38:02,689
[chuckles]
I'm gonna start right now.
1058
00:38:02,724 --> 00:38:04,379
I'm gonna start.
1059
00:38:04,413 --> 00:38:06,448
I just feel like
it's a cool thing to say.
1060
00:38:06,482 --> 00:38:08,137
I don't understand why people
smoke cigarettes anymore.
1061
00:38:08,172 --> 00:38:09,137
You know what I mean?
1062
00:38:09,172 --> 00:38:10,586
Like, back in the day...
1063
00:38:10,620 --> 00:38:12,379
you know, back in the day,
they pr--
1064
00:38:12,413 --> 00:38:13,448
if you've been doing it
for a long time--
1065
00:38:13,482 --> 00:38:14,241
I'm not talking about you.
1066
00:38:14,275 --> 00:38:15,448
But if you're new
to cigarettes,
1067
00:38:15,482 --> 00:38:16,551
you're just a dumb person,
1068
00:38:16,586 --> 00:38:17,724
because, like, there's...
1069
00:38:17,758 --> 00:38:19,517
there's so many better options.
1070
00:38:19,551 --> 00:38:21,413
Isn't weed legal here?
1071
00:38:21,448 --> 00:38:22,724
Almost?
Oh, okay.
1072
00:38:22,758 --> 00:38:23,689
Well, smoke cigarettes.
My bad.
1073
00:38:23,724 --> 00:38:25,655
I thought it was legal.
1074
00:38:25,689 --> 00:38:26,793
I'm just trying to find you
a better option.
1075
00:38:26,827 --> 00:38:28,689
All right, well...
1076
00:38:28,724 --> 00:38:29,827
I don't care if you
smoke cigarettes.
1077
00:38:29,862 --> 00:38:31,724
I just wish you would aim
a little better,
1078
00:38:31,758 --> 00:38:33,482
like, pfft, you know,
maybe not in my face.
1079
00:38:33,517 --> 00:38:34,620
That'd be great.
1080
00:38:34,655 --> 00:38:35,793
Always blowing in my face, man.
1081
00:38:35,827 --> 00:38:37,827
Some lady did that today.
1082
00:38:37,862 --> 00:38:39,689
She blew in my face,
1083
00:38:39,724 --> 00:38:40,965
for a long--she didn't do it
on purpose.
1084
00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,551
It wasn't like,
"I don't like your shirt."
1085
00:38:43,586 --> 00:38:45,862
[blows]
It wasn't like that.
1086
00:38:45,896 --> 00:38:47,724
But she blew in my face
for a long time.
1087
00:38:47,758 --> 00:38:49,655
She's like,
"I gotta get the kids tomorrow.
1088
00:38:49,689 --> 00:38:50,931
I'ma pick 'em up, you know..."
1089
00:38:50,965 --> 00:38:53,758
[sucking in air]
1090
00:38:55,758 --> 00:38:58,862
[blowing loudly]
1091
00:39:05,517 --> 00:39:08,448
[cheers and applause]
1092
00:39:11,965 --> 00:39:12,896
What are you, a dragon?
1093
00:39:12,931 --> 00:39:15,689
Like, how can you breathe
this long, man?
1094
00:39:15,724 --> 00:39:16,758
I wanted to be mad,
but I was like,
1095
00:39:16,793 --> 00:39:18,000
this is actually impressive,
1096
00:39:18,034 --> 00:39:20,586
the amount of time
you're blowing into...
1097
00:39:20,620 --> 00:39:21,862
it was so long.
1098
00:39:21,896 --> 00:39:23,965
It's like she had, like,
two lungs or something.
1099
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:26,000
You know what I mean?
So annoying.
1100
00:39:29,241 --> 00:39:30,896
Or three--
how many lungs we got?
1101
00:39:30,931 --> 00:39:32,034
Whatever, y'all know
what I meant.
1102
00:39:32,068 --> 00:39:33,758
Doesn't matter.
1103
00:39:33,793 --> 00:39:35,689
She could breathe longer.
1104
00:39:35,724 --> 00:39:37,206
I don't like y'all.
How about that?
1105
00:39:37,241 --> 00:39:38,551
All right?
1106
00:39:38,586 --> 00:39:39,793
[chuckles]
1107
00:39:39,827 --> 00:39:41,586
Y'all knew what I meant.
1108
00:39:41,620 --> 00:39:42,896
Whatever, man.
1109
00:39:44,965 --> 00:39:46,517
I used to work at the gym.
It's fun.
1110
00:39:46,551 --> 00:39:47,517
It's fun working at a gym.
1111
00:39:47,551 --> 00:39:48,586
I started doing yoga,
1112
00:39:48,620 --> 00:39:50,034
and I love yoga.
1113
00:39:50,068 --> 00:39:50,758
I love yoga.
1114
00:39:50,793 --> 00:39:52,448
I used to think yoga was gay,
1115
00:39:52,482 --> 00:39:53,724
and then I did it,
and I was like,
1116
00:39:53,758 --> 00:39:55,034
"Ah, I'm right.
It's so gay."
1117
00:39:55,068 --> 00:39:57,965
And I had to call my mom
about it.
1118
00:39:58,000 --> 00:39:59,758
I was like, "I got something
to tell y'all!"
1119
00:39:59,793 --> 00:40:00,862
And she was--
1120
00:40:00,896 --> 00:40:01,862
she was like, "Again?"
You know.
1121
00:40:01,896 --> 00:40:04,758
And then I decided to get
a yoga mat online,
1122
00:40:04,793 --> 00:40:06,655
because I love yoga so much,
1123
00:40:06,689 --> 00:40:07,965
but it really surprised me,
1124
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:09,758
the average price
of a yoga mat,
1125
00:40:09,793 --> 00:40:11,655
'cause I didn't think it was
gonna be this expensive, right?
1126
00:40:11,689 --> 00:40:14,586
Guess how much the average
price of a yoga mat is.
1127
00:40:14,620 --> 00:40:17,517
[audience murmuring]
1128
00:40:17,551 --> 00:40:18,965
Nope.
1129
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:21,482
Okay, no.
1130
00:40:21,517 --> 00:40:23,448
Who said $50?
1131
00:40:23,482 --> 00:40:25,448
Where do you get your yoga mat
from, Whole Foods?
1132
00:40:25,482 --> 00:40:27,034
What do you mean, $50?
1133
00:40:27,068 --> 00:40:29,517
Who sponsors your yoga mat,
Aladdin?
1134
00:40:29,551 --> 00:40:31,655
Is that a magic yoga mat?
1135
00:40:31,689 --> 00:40:34,620
That better fly me to the gym
every single day, I know that.
1136
00:40:34,655 --> 00:40:37,551
♪ I can show you the stretch
1137
00:40:37,586 --> 00:40:39,034
It better...
1138
00:40:39,068 --> 00:40:40,931
you just yelled out 50
regardless
1139
00:40:40,965 --> 00:40:42,034
of what I was gonna ask you,
didn't you?
1140
00:40:42,068 --> 00:40:43,034
Yeah.
1141
00:40:43,068 --> 00:40:44,655
Anybody here got
a favorite color?
1142
00:40:44,689 --> 00:40:45,793
"$50!"
1143
00:40:45,827 --> 00:40:46,931
Like, you don't...
1144
00:40:46,965 --> 00:40:48,413
you was gonna yell that,
whatever.
1145
00:40:51,862 --> 00:40:53,896
No, it's like--it's like 30,
which is still dumb.
1146
00:40:53,931 --> 00:40:54,896
It's like, why would it be $30
1147
00:40:54,931 --> 00:40:55,896
to lay on something
1148
00:40:55,931 --> 00:40:56,965
when I can go to Dollar Tree
1149
00:40:57,000 --> 00:40:58,758
and get like five placemats
1150
00:40:58,793 --> 00:41:01,793
and just tape 'em together,
right?
1151
00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:06,068
That's how everybody
that do yoga look.
1152
00:41:06,103 --> 00:41:07,724
[chuckles]
1153
00:41:07,758 --> 00:41:08,793
They try to keep
their face still.
1154
00:41:08,827 --> 00:41:10,724
It's so funny.
1155
00:41:10,758 --> 00:41:12,551
I think yoga's bad
for business.
1156
00:41:12,586 --> 00:41:14,275
It's like,
why is your floor so dirty?
1157
00:41:14,310 --> 00:41:15,862
You like, hey, you might want
to bring your own floor.
1158
00:41:15,896 --> 00:41:17,896
You know, you don't want
to lay down.
1159
00:41:20,827 --> 00:41:22,034
I used to--
1160
00:41:22,068 --> 00:41:23,793
I used to keep a carton of eggs
in my car
1161
00:41:23,827 --> 00:41:25,793
just in case somebody
cut me off.
1162
00:41:25,827 --> 00:41:27,034
And...
1163
00:41:27,068 --> 00:41:29,862
I don't do it anymore.
I don't do it anymore.
1164
00:41:29,896 --> 00:41:30,862
The reason I stopped doing it
1165
00:41:30,896 --> 00:41:32,586
is 'cause I had this really
bad situation.
1166
00:41:32,620 --> 00:41:33,758
I was driving, right?
1167
00:41:33,793 --> 00:41:36,517
Some dude in a minivan
cut me off.
1168
00:41:36,551 --> 00:41:37,310
I almost flipped out.
1169
00:41:37,344 --> 00:41:38,793
But I was like,
you know what?
1170
00:41:38,827 --> 00:41:40,724
Calm down.
You just had a great day.
1171
00:41:40,758 --> 00:41:41,862
He got a minivan.
1172
00:41:41,896 --> 00:41:43,034
He already gave up on life
anyway.
1173
00:41:43,068 --> 00:41:45,896
So like, let it slide, right?
1174
00:41:45,931 --> 00:41:47,551
So I just him the horn.
1175
00:41:47,586 --> 00:41:48,586
He flipped out.
1176
00:41:48,620 --> 00:41:49,482
He gave me the middle finger,
1177
00:41:49,517 --> 00:41:50,965
started calling me
all kind of names,
1178
00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:52,896
called me the N-word, right?
1179
00:41:52,931 --> 00:41:54,896
Yeah, he was black, though,
so I was like, whatever.
1180
00:41:54,931 --> 00:41:56,620
This is like a barbershop
right now.
1181
00:41:56,655 --> 00:41:58,551
So--but I didn't like
the way he flipped me off.
1182
00:41:58,586 --> 00:41:59,689
So I was like,
you done messed up, bruh.
1183
00:41:59,724 --> 00:42:00,655
So I'ma really get him.
1184
00:42:00,689 --> 00:42:01,896
So I start rolling down
my window, right?
1185
00:42:01,931 --> 00:42:05,034
But I had a manual window,
so it took me like 45 minutes
1186
00:42:05,068 --> 00:42:07,068
to get my window down, right?
1187
00:42:07,103 --> 00:42:10,103
But three asthma attacks later,
I get it like halfway down,
1188
00:42:10,137 --> 00:42:12,689
I grab a egg, and I throw it
at the side of his window.
1189
00:42:12,724 --> 00:42:13,827
He starts flipping out.
1190
00:42:13,862 --> 00:42:15,620
I was dying,
I was laughing so hard.
1191
00:42:15,655 --> 00:42:17,896
I was laugh--
I was dying, right?
1192
00:42:17,931 --> 00:42:19,344
And then...
[laughs]
1193
00:42:19,379 --> 00:42:21,034
I see this back window down,
right?
1194
00:42:21,068 --> 00:42:22,655
'Cause it seemed like
a really good idea
1195
00:42:22,689 --> 00:42:23,724
to really get him, right?
1196
00:42:23,758 --> 00:42:25,793
I know, it seemed like
a great idea at the time.
1197
00:42:25,827 --> 00:42:26,793
I didn't see the baby.
1198
00:42:26,827 --> 00:42:28,586
And so, like...
1199
00:42:28,620 --> 00:42:29,965
I know.
1200
00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:31,034
It was halfway when I noticed.
1201
00:42:31,068 --> 00:42:32,068
I was like, aw, snap!
1202
00:42:32,103 --> 00:42:35,793
♪ Too late to apologize
1203
00:42:35,827 --> 00:42:36,931
♪ It's too late
1204
00:42:36,965 --> 00:42:38,620
This happened in 2007.
It went, pow!
1205
00:42:38,655 --> 00:42:39,655
Hit the baby.
1206
00:42:39,689 --> 00:42:40,862
Realized it was a ugly baby,
1207
00:42:40,896 --> 00:42:42,103
and I was like, ugh,
two more eggs!
1208
00:42:42,137 --> 00:42:44,793
No, two more eggs
at the ugly baby.
1209
00:42:44,827 --> 00:42:47,137
Can't stand ugly babies.
1210
00:42:51,862 --> 00:42:53,931
I didn't throw no three eggs
at a baby, okay?
1211
00:42:53,965 --> 00:42:54,931
[growling]
I threw four.
1212
00:42:54,965 --> 00:42:57,103
No, I didn't do that.
1213
00:42:57,137 --> 00:42:58,965
I don't mess with eggs anymore.
1214
00:43:00,758 --> 00:43:02,000
I'm a vegan, right?
1215
00:43:02,034 --> 00:43:03,689
[scattered applause]
1216
00:43:03,724 --> 00:43:06,206
Thank you, four vegans,
for coming out
1217
00:43:06,241 --> 00:43:07,103
to take over.
1218
00:43:07,137 --> 00:43:08,655
No, I'm just playing.
1219
00:43:08,689 --> 00:43:10,965
Vegan means we don't eat
or wear animal products.
1220
00:43:11,000 --> 00:43:12,758
I decided to be a vegan
1221
00:43:12,793 --> 00:43:14,931
'cause I was sitting around one
day and I thought to myself--
1222
00:43:14,965 --> 00:43:16,896
I was like, man,
1223
00:43:16,931 --> 00:43:19,000
I just got way too many
friends.
1224
00:43:19,034 --> 00:43:20,827
And how do I fix this?
1225
00:43:20,862 --> 00:43:23,862
And so I decided...
1226
00:43:23,896 --> 00:43:25,000
and it worked.
1227
00:43:25,034 --> 00:43:26,000
No one wants to go out
and eat anymore.
1228
00:43:26,034 --> 00:43:27,896
They hate you and stuff.
1229
00:43:27,931 --> 00:43:30,000
[laughs]
1230
00:43:30,034 --> 00:43:32,000
No, I'm a vegan
'cause I like animals.
1231
00:43:32,034 --> 00:43:33,655
And I don't want anyone here
thinking I'm saying that
1232
00:43:33,689 --> 00:43:35,034
if you eat meat,
you're a bad person.
1233
00:43:35,068 --> 00:43:36,793
I don't want you to think
I'm saying that at all.
1234
00:43:36,827 --> 00:43:38,000
You know,
'cause you already know.
1235
00:43:38,034 --> 00:43:40,000
So, like,
why would I say that again?
1236
00:43:40,034 --> 00:43:42,206
You know?
No, I'm just playing.
1237
00:43:42,241 --> 00:43:44,068
I don't even like animals like
that, to be honest with you.
1238
00:43:44,103 --> 00:43:46,241
I like--I mean, I do like--
I like baby animals.
1239
00:43:46,275 --> 00:43:47,793
I like any baby animals.
1240
00:43:47,827 --> 00:43:49,724
Like kittens--
oh, my gosh!
1241
00:43:49,758 --> 00:43:50,758
They do something to me.
1242
00:43:50,793 --> 00:43:52,724
I don't know what it is,
but I love kitties, man.
1243
00:43:52,758 --> 00:43:54,068
People think I'm joking.
"You don't like kittens."
1244
00:43:54,103 --> 00:43:55,724
Man, I love kittens.
1245
00:43:55,758 --> 00:43:57,827
I love kittens so much,
I'm allergic to 'em,
1246
00:43:57,862 --> 00:44:00,000
and I don't care, a'ight?
1247
00:44:00,034 --> 00:44:01,724
I could die
from petting the kitty.
1248
00:44:01,758 --> 00:44:03,137
That's pretty gangsta,
right there.
1249
00:44:03,172 --> 00:44:05,310
I'ma pet a kitty or die trying.
Come on, man.
1250
00:44:05,344 --> 00:44:07,000
Get outta here.
1251
00:44:07,034 --> 00:44:08,965
A kitten could shoot me
with a gun--pow!
1252
00:44:09,000 --> 00:44:10,103
Ah!
1253
00:44:10,137 --> 00:44:12,172
You're so fluffy!
Like, I love it!
1254
00:44:12,206 --> 00:44:14,034
So much!
1255
00:44:14,068 --> 00:44:16,931
[grunts]
Oh, God I love a kitty.
1256
00:44:16,965 --> 00:44:18,931
[sighs] Anyway.
1257
00:44:18,965 --> 00:44:20,137
Sorry, I get out of hand
sometimes
1258
00:44:20,172 --> 00:44:21,793
when I think about kittens.
1259
00:44:24,206 --> 00:44:25,793
[laughs]
1260
00:44:25,827 --> 00:44:27,896
People don't like--
people don't like vegans.
1261
00:44:27,931 --> 00:44:30,241
I get there's some annoying
vegans out there for sure.
1262
00:44:30,275 --> 00:44:32,793
All right?
There's a lot of annoying--
1263
00:44:32,827 --> 00:44:35,034
yep, you already--
yep, you're the candidate.
1264
00:44:35,068 --> 00:44:36,931
The fact that you said
"right here"
1265
00:44:36,965 --> 00:44:38,724
means you're annoying
immediately.
1266
00:44:38,758 --> 00:44:40,034
I don't even know you.
1267
00:44:40,068 --> 00:44:41,068
I was like,
"There's some annoying vegans."
1268
00:44:41,103 --> 00:44:43,034
"I'm annoying!"
You already know your place.
1269
00:44:43,068 --> 00:44:45,068
A'ight.
So we found... [chuckles]
1270
00:44:45,103 --> 00:44:47,068
You actually the most annoying
person now.
1271
00:44:47,103 --> 00:44:49,310
You know what I mean?
Like, such...
1272
00:44:49,344 --> 00:44:50,482
I'm just serious.
1273
00:44:50,517 --> 00:44:51,310
No, but listen, for real.
1274
00:44:51,344 --> 00:44:53,103
A'ight.
1275
00:44:53,137 --> 00:44:55,034
[laughing]
Why--
1276
00:44:55,068 --> 00:44:56,310
are you like super, like--
1277
00:44:56,344 --> 00:44:58,241
super, like, PETA vegan
or something?
1278
00:44:58,275 --> 00:44:59,206
- Oh, yeah.
1279
00:44:59,241 --> 00:45:01,000
- Oh, okay, cool.
All right.
1280
00:45:01,034 --> 00:45:02,068
Well, yeah.
1281
00:45:02,103 --> 00:45:04,827
Did someone groan?
Like, what...
1282
00:45:04,862 --> 00:45:08,068
The thing about the most
annoying person you know:
1283
00:45:08,103 --> 00:45:09,310
they eat meat.
1284
00:45:09,344 --> 00:45:11,310
Y'all annoying too.
That's all I'm saying.
1285
00:45:11,344 --> 00:45:13,827
Everybody is annoying, a'ight?
1286
00:45:13,862 --> 00:45:15,931
What's something annoying
that a vegan does
1287
00:45:15,965 --> 00:45:17,241
that meat eaters don't do?
1288
00:45:17,275 --> 00:45:18,931
What's something annoying?
1289
00:45:18,965 --> 00:45:20,206
Tell me.
- They talk about it.
1290
00:45:20,241 --> 00:45:22,000
- Huh?
- They talk all about it.
1291
00:45:22,034 --> 00:45:23,000
- We tell you that we're--
1292
00:45:23,034 --> 00:45:24,275
so, you--so, we--
1293
00:45:24,310 --> 00:45:26,034
what you mean,
we talk all about it?
1294
00:45:26,068 --> 00:45:27,206
You act like I just walked
onstage like,
1295
00:45:27,241 --> 00:45:28,862
"Hey, y'all!
My name is Preacher Lawson.
1296
00:45:28,896 --> 00:45:30,310
And let the comedy ve-gin."
1297
00:45:30,344 --> 00:45:31,310
Like, I didn't...
1298
00:45:31,344 --> 00:45:32,965
I didn't do that.
1299
00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:35,310
I-I waited 45 minutes.
1300
00:45:37,137 --> 00:45:39,241
You hate the fact
that we tell you we're vegan?
1301
00:45:39,275 --> 00:45:40,965
Who else do you hate,
people with allergies?
1302
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:42,827
They gotta tell you!
1303
00:45:42,862 --> 00:45:44,172
"Here Cameron go again.
1304
00:45:44,206 --> 00:45:46,241
"Oh, really?
Really, Cameron?
1305
00:45:46,275 --> 00:45:50,275
We know you lactose
intolerant."
1306
00:45:50,310 --> 00:45:53,034
[chuckling]
1307
00:45:53,068 --> 00:45:55,379
You know why we're
lactose intolerant?
1308
00:45:55,413 --> 00:45:56,896
Why?
1309
00:45:56,931 --> 00:45:58,034
'Cause we ain't cows.
1310
00:45:58,068 --> 00:45:59,103
That's why, man.
1311
00:45:59,137 --> 00:46:00,275
We're not cows, that's why.
1312
00:46:00,310 --> 00:46:01,931
We can't process that.
It's weird, man.
1313
00:46:01,965 --> 00:46:03,103
That's why you should know
that a cow--
1314
00:46:03,137 --> 00:46:05,103
cow milk has
an animal protein in it.
1315
00:46:05,137 --> 00:46:06,310
In order for us
to break it down,
1316
00:46:06,344 --> 00:46:07,965
it takes calcium from our bones
and weakens our bones.
1317
00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:10,137
That's why the countries
with the highest state
1318
00:46:10,172 --> 00:46:12,172
of osteoporosis,
they consume the most milk.
1319
00:46:12,206 --> 00:46:14,172
That's why you don't see those
"Got Milk?" signs anymore.
1320
00:46:14,206 --> 00:46:15,448
A'ight?
Lied about strong bones.
1321
00:46:15,482 --> 00:46:17,965
Some of y'all do
your research on TV.
1322
00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:19,103
You think lizards talk,
1323
00:46:19,137 --> 00:46:21,068
and it's just a Geico
commercial.
1324
00:46:21,103 --> 00:46:22,172
And I know what you thinking.
1325
00:46:22,206 --> 00:46:24,034
"Oh, a black vegan
that does yoga?
1326
00:46:24,068 --> 00:46:25,448
He must like white girls."
1327
00:46:25,482 --> 00:46:27,172
What are you, a psychic?
Like, that...
1328
00:46:27,206 --> 00:46:29,172
that is not...
1329
00:46:29,206 --> 00:46:30,620
that's not true at all.
1330
00:46:30,655 --> 00:46:32,103
I don't like 'em.
1331
00:46:32,137 --> 00:46:33,172
I love 'em.
No, I'm joking.
1332
00:46:33,206 --> 00:46:35,310
I'm joking.
1333
00:46:35,344 --> 00:46:37,172
No, look, man.
I like women, man.
1334
00:46:37,206 --> 00:46:38,034
If I have to choose
a preference,
1335
00:46:38,068 --> 00:46:39,000
I'm choosing black,
'cause I'm black
1336
00:46:39,034 --> 00:46:41,103
and I can relate to that more,
all right?
1337
00:46:41,137 --> 00:46:42,172
But I--hey, hold on.
1338
00:46:42,206 --> 00:46:44,068
I'm just saying--I ain't saying
1339
00:46:44,103 --> 00:46:45,862
that I think white people
ain't attractive
1340
00:46:45,896 --> 00:46:48,862
or Spanish people or--
what's another one?
1341
00:46:48,896 --> 00:46:50,620
Wha--huh?
1342
00:46:50,655 --> 00:46:51,620
Yeah, one of them.
1343
00:46:51,655 --> 00:46:53,620
Like, I think all--
everybody fine, right?
1344
00:46:53,655 --> 00:46:55,103
Get outta here.
1345
00:46:55,137 --> 00:46:56,275
I don't know how you look
at a whole race
1346
00:46:56,310 --> 00:46:57,896
and think the whole race
is unattractive.
1347
00:46:57,931 --> 00:46:59,172
I think that's stupid, man.
1348
00:46:59,206 --> 00:47:00,379
Especially black people.
1349
00:47:00,413 --> 00:47:02,241
We're so tropical, man.
What you mean?
1350
00:47:02,275 --> 00:47:03,448
We got my complexion.
1351
00:47:03,482 --> 00:47:05,448
I'm like dark chocolate,
you know?
1352
00:47:05,482 --> 00:47:08,103
You got some caramel
black people, you know?
1353
00:47:08,137 --> 00:47:11,034
Went to the Bahamas recently,
realized I'm not even dark.
1354
00:47:11,068 --> 00:47:12,379
You know, like, there's levels.
1355
00:47:12,413 --> 00:47:14,241
Right?
1356
00:47:14,275 --> 00:47:15,931
White people,
y'all got variation too,
1357
00:47:15,965 --> 00:47:17,965
'cause you got regular white,
right?
1358
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:20,482
Then you got--you know,
1359
00:47:20,517 --> 00:47:23,103
um...
1360
00:47:23,137 --> 00:47:25,103
you got whiter, right, right?
1361
00:47:25,137 --> 00:47:26,241
You got clear.
1362
00:47:26,275 --> 00:47:28,241
You know, like,
there's a bunch, man.
1363
00:47:30,241 --> 00:47:31,275
I'ma tell you what my type is.
1364
00:47:31,310 --> 00:47:34,034
I love women--I love women
that make me laugh.
1365
00:47:34,068 --> 00:47:35,241
I love 'em.
1366
00:47:35,275 --> 00:47:37,000
I love women
that make me laugh.
1367
00:47:37,034 --> 00:47:39,241
You know, if a girl make me
laugh, I fall in love fast.
1368
00:47:39,275 --> 00:47:41,206
I be like, ha-ha!
1369
00:47:41,241 --> 00:47:43,137
Girl, you are stupid!
1370
00:47:43,172 --> 00:47:47,137
Listen, we've been knowing
each other for two minutes.
1371
00:47:48,137 --> 00:47:49,241
But I know you the one.
1372
00:47:49,275 --> 00:47:51,931
Like, I just--
I love funny women.
1373
00:47:51,965 --> 00:47:53,344
You just can't be funnier
than me, and we're good,
1374
00:47:53,379 --> 00:47:55,103
you know what I mean?
1375
00:47:55,137 --> 00:47:56,448
My ex was hilarious.
1376
00:47:56,482 --> 00:47:58,137
You know what else she is?
My ex.
1377
00:47:58,172 --> 00:48:00,034
I ain't doing that.
1378
00:48:00,068 --> 00:48:01,482
Ain't gonna try to be funny--
don't try to embarrass me.
1379
00:48:01,517 --> 00:48:03,172
We at parties,
everybody huddled around.
1380
00:48:03,206 --> 00:48:04,206
"Your girl so funny!"
1381
00:48:04,241 --> 00:48:05,241
What are you doing, huh?
1382
00:48:05,275 --> 00:48:06,275
Why you trying to embarrass me?
1383
00:48:06,310 --> 00:48:08,103
You don't see LeBron's wife
just going around
1384
00:48:08,137 --> 00:48:09,137
dunking on him.
1385
00:48:09,172 --> 00:48:10,344
You don't see that!
1386
00:48:14,068 --> 00:48:15,310
It's annoying, man.
1387
00:48:15,344 --> 00:48:16,551
So annoying.
1388
00:48:16,586 --> 00:48:18,172
I don't care if a girl
taller than me, man.
1389
00:48:18,206 --> 00:48:19,241
I do not care.
1390
00:48:19,275 --> 00:48:20,586
Dudes be like,
"Man, a girl can't be taller--"
1391
00:48:20,620 --> 00:48:22,172
I don't care if a girl
taller than me.
1392
00:48:22,206 --> 00:48:23,206
That does not both--
girl?
1393
00:48:23,241 --> 00:48:24,275
[kisses]
Get this lovin'.
1394
00:48:24,310 --> 00:48:27,103
I don't care.
1395
00:48:27,137 --> 00:48:30,000
Don't matter to me.
1396
00:48:30,034 --> 00:48:31,172
You just can't be able
to beat me up.
1397
00:48:31,206 --> 00:48:32,172
That's all I care about.
1398
00:48:32,206 --> 00:48:33,310
Yeah, I don't wanna--
1399
00:48:33,344 --> 00:48:34,413
I wanna get in
an argument with my lady
1400
00:48:34,448 --> 00:48:36,310
and think, "Oh snap, she mad."
1401
00:48:36,344 --> 00:48:38,586
You know, like--
not, "Oh snap, she mad!"
1402
00:48:38,620 --> 00:48:40,241
You know, not that.
1403
00:48:43,206 --> 00:48:45,448
I do not care.
1404
00:48:45,482 --> 00:48:47,413
I think women that
do their eyebrows are weird.
1405
00:48:47,448 --> 00:48:48,586
I think that's weird.
1406
00:48:48,620 --> 00:48:50,206
Women do their eyebrows
for some reason.
1407
00:48:50,241 --> 00:48:51,517
I like how one person laughed,
1408
00:48:51,551 --> 00:48:53,172
and you know she the only woman
in here
1409
00:48:53,206 --> 00:48:54,241
that don't do her eyebrows.
1410
00:48:54,275 --> 00:48:55,413
Like...
1411
00:48:55,448 --> 00:48:57,034
she was like,
"I don't get it either!
1412
00:48:57,068 --> 00:48:59,103
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha."
1413
00:48:59,137 --> 00:49:00,655
[laughing]
1414
00:49:00,689 --> 00:49:02,827
It's weird, right?
This is weird.
1415
00:49:02,862 --> 00:49:05,137
I don't--women do their
eyebrows for other women.
1416
00:49:05,172 --> 00:49:06,241
That's why.
1417
00:49:06,275 --> 00:49:07,344
If a man--if you--
1418
00:49:07,379 --> 00:49:08,655
if a man cares about
your eyebrows,
1419
00:49:08,689 --> 00:49:10,241
it's 'cause he did
your eyebrows.
1420
00:49:10,275 --> 00:49:11,586
You understand?
1421
00:49:11,620 --> 00:49:13,310
He got to something
to tell y'all.
1422
00:49:13,344 --> 00:49:15,344
You understand?
Like, we don't--
1423
00:49:15,379 --> 00:49:17,310
we don't care about
your eyebrows.
1424
00:49:17,344 --> 00:49:18,413
Unless it's one eyebrow.
1425
00:49:18,448 --> 00:49:21,310
That's the only time we care.
That's the only...
1426
00:49:21,344 --> 00:49:22,379
then we're like,
"Why is that squirrel
1427
00:49:22,413 --> 00:49:23,517
taking a nap on your forehead?"
1428
00:49:23,551 --> 00:49:26,034
Like, then we notice, but...
1429
00:49:26,068 --> 00:49:28,344
if you got some regular
eyebrows, we don't care.
1430
00:49:28,379 --> 00:49:30,413
I seen some girl shave off
her real eyebrow
1431
00:49:30,448 --> 00:49:32,413
and then draw it on herself.
1432
00:49:32,448 --> 00:49:34,241
What if I just shaved off
all my hair
1433
00:49:34,275 --> 00:49:35,551
and I just colored it in?
1434
00:49:35,586 --> 00:49:37,379
You know how weird I'm look?
1435
00:49:37,413 --> 00:49:39,137
I'm Crayola man!
1436
00:49:39,172 --> 00:49:41,413
[grunting]
1437
00:49:48,551 --> 00:49:50,448
How long you been following me?
1438
00:49:51,620 --> 00:49:54,137
Just the whole show, huh?
All right.
1439
00:49:54,172 --> 00:49:56,034
Got two lights, all right.
1440
00:50:02,413 --> 00:50:05,482
[cheers and applause]
1441
00:50:26,551 --> 00:50:28,310
I got asthma; I don't even know
why I did that.
1442
00:50:28,344 --> 00:50:30,206
That was so dumb.
1443
00:50:30,241 --> 00:50:32,827
I can't breathe.
1444
00:50:32,862 --> 00:50:35,137
You having a good time tonight?
Make some noise.
1445
00:50:35,172 --> 00:50:38,137
[loud cheering]
1446
00:50:46,310 --> 00:50:47,551
Ah.
1447
00:50:48,379 --> 00:50:50,137
I didn't care if y'all was
having a good time.
1448
00:50:50,172 --> 00:50:51,137
I was trying to breathe.
1449
00:50:51,172 --> 00:50:52,448
All right.
[chuckles]
1450
00:50:52,482 --> 00:50:54,586
What was I talking about?
1451
00:50:54,620 --> 00:50:56,379
Talking about--I almost got
in a fight with a woman.
1452
00:50:56,413 --> 00:50:58,137
This is what happened.
Listen.
1453
00:50:58,172 --> 00:51:00,413
This is what happened,
'cause I was on a flight...
1454
00:51:00,448 --> 00:51:01,586
I was on a flight--
1455
00:51:01,620 --> 00:51:02,517
I don't know where I was
on a flight.
1456
00:51:02,551 --> 00:51:03,655
Doesn't matter.
1457
00:51:03,689 --> 00:51:04,379
I was on a plane,
1458
00:51:04,413 --> 00:51:06,448
and I had to use the bathroom.
1459
00:51:06,482 --> 00:51:08,310
And the stupid
flight attendant,
1460
00:51:08,344 --> 00:51:09,655
she wouldn't let me go.
1461
00:51:09,689 --> 00:51:11,206
She's like, "There's about
to be turbulence.
1462
00:51:11,241 --> 00:51:13,448
You can't use the bathroom."
1463
00:51:13,482 --> 00:51:15,275
I was like, "I--I should--
1464
00:51:15,310 --> 00:51:18,344
I should probably go now,
if there's about to be..."
1465
00:51:18,379 --> 00:51:19,482
Right?
1466
00:51:19,517 --> 00:51:20,896
My bladder's full.
1467
00:51:20,931 --> 00:51:23,620
I don't want to be twerking
in my seat, right?
1468
00:51:23,655 --> 00:51:25,586
I should go the bathroom
right now.
1469
00:51:25,620 --> 00:51:26,896
And she like,
"You can't go."
1470
00:51:26,931 --> 00:51:29,413
And I'm like, "Look, I'm either
gonna pee in that bathroom,
1471
00:51:29,448 --> 00:51:31,103
"or in row 11F.
1472
00:51:31,137 --> 00:51:33,137
It's up to you."
1473
00:51:33,172 --> 00:51:34,655
I sat in 18F,
but I didn't like the way
1474
00:51:34,689 --> 00:51:36,241
the dude in 11F was
looking at me,
1475
00:51:36,275 --> 00:51:37,655
so I was like...
1476
00:51:37,689 --> 00:51:40,137
I'm like,
"I'll pee on you, bruh."
1477
00:51:40,172 --> 00:51:41,620
Anyway, so I fell asleep
on the plane.
1478
00:51:41,655 --> 00:51:43,172
She made me mad,
'cause she woke me up.
1479
00:51:43,206 --> 00:51:44,586
She like, "Hey, hey.
1480
00:51:44,620 --> 00:51:45,724
Do you want some pretzels?"
1481
00:51:45,758 --> 00:51:47,310
And I'm like,
"No, I want to sleep,
1482
00:51:47,344 --> 00:51:49,379
and you just woke me up."
1483
00:51:49,413 --> 00:51:51,137
Why would you wake someone up
on a plane?!
1484
00:51:51,172 --> 00:51:53,275
Who wants to be up 30,000 feet
in the air like,
1485
00:51:53,310 --> 00:51:55,517
"What happens next?"
Nobody!
1486
00:51:55,551 --> 00:51:57,275
Why would you wake me up?
It's so bad.
1487
00:51:57,310 --> 00:51:58,551
I would never hit a woman,
1488
00:51:58,586 --> 00:51:59,655
but I just left my foot
in the aisle,
1489
00:51:59,689 --> 00:52:01,620
you know what I mean,
like I was like,
1490
00:52:01,655 --> 00:52:04,620
I'ma let the Lord do
his work, right?
1491
00:52:04,655 --> 00:52:06,448
Leave the foot right there.
1492
00:52:06,482 --> 00:52:07,620
And I ended up
falling back asleep,
1493
00:52:07,655 --> 00:52:09,551
but every time I wake up
too much
1494
00:52:09,586 --> 00:52:10,551
in the middle of the night,
1495
00:52:10,586 --> 00:52:11,620
I start to have nightmares.
1496
00:52:11,655 --> 00:52:13,344
And I woke up,
I had a nightmare,
1497
00:52:13,379 --> 00:52:14,551
and I yelled something out.
1498
00:52:14,586 --> 00:52:16,482
And before I tell you
what I yelled out,
1499
00:52:16,517 --> 00:52:17,965
I just want to say
it don't matter
1500
00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:19,206
what I yelled out,
1501
00:52:19,241 --> 00:52:20,379
'cause I yelled out
1502
00:52:20,413 --> 00:52:22,689
on a plane.
1503
00:52:22,724 --> 00:52:24,413
Doesn't matter.
I could've woke up yelling,
1504
00:52:24,448 --> 00:52:26,241
"It's peanut butter
jelly time!"
1505
00:52:26,275 --> 00:52:27,517
Doesn't matter.
1506
00:52:27,551 --> 00:52:28,793
Nobody's gonna wake up
joining you like,
1507
00:52:28,827 --> 00:52:30,517
"Where he at?
Where he at?
1508
00:52:30,551 --> 00:52:33,310
"There he go.
Peanut butter jelly!
1509
00:52:33,344 --> 00:52:35,655
Peanut--"
No one's doing that.
1510
00:52:35,689 --> 00:52:37,241
I was getting robbed
in my dream,
1511
00:52:37,275 --> 00:52:38,724
and they didn't know that.
1512
00:52:38,758 --> 00:52:41,344
And I woke up and yelled,
"He's got a gun!",
1513
00:52:41,379 --> 00:52:43,241
which is not
1514
00:52:43,275 --> 00:52:45,482
something you yell
1515
00:52:45,517 --> 00:52:47,482
on a plane.
1516
00:52:47,517 --> 00:52:48,586
You know, everybody start
flipping out.
1517
00:52:48,620 --> 00:52:50,517
This grown man peed on himself.
1518
00:52:50,551 --> 00:52:53,241
Like, it was me, but she
should've let me know.
1519
00:52:53,275 --> 00:52:54,413
Like, I told her ahead of time.
1520
00:52:56,655 --> 00:52:59,275
[chuckles] Dating outside
your race is different.
1521
00:52:59,310 --> 00:53:00,620
It's different.
1522
00:53:00,655 --> 00:53:03,344
I-I kill it with these
transitions.
1523
00:53:03,379 --> 00:53:05,517
So, um...
1524
00:53:05,551 --> 00:53:06,793
dating outside
your race is different.
1525
00:53:06,827 --> 00:53:08,517
This is why it's different:
the first date I ever went on
1526
00:53:08,551 --> 00:53:10,275
with a white girl,
we were driving through
1527
00:53:10,310 --> 00:53:11,586
Death Valley, Nevada, right?
1528
00:53:11,620 --> 00:53:12,620
I don't know if anyone's
ever been there,
1529
00:53:12,655 --> 00:53:13,586
but it's beautiful, right,
1530
00:53:13,620 --> 00:53:14,758
when you're safe
inside your car.
1531
00:53:14,793 --> 00:53:17,241
And I was driving with her,
1532
00:53:17,275 --> 00:53:18,103
and I was looking around.
1533
00:53:18,137 --> 00:53:19,206
I was like,
"Man, these mountains
1534
00:53:19,241 --> 00:53:21,793
are so beautiful, aren't they,
white girlfriend?"
1535
00:53:21,827 --> 00:53:23,793
And then...
1536
00:53:23,827 --> 00:53:25,620
she was like,
"Just call me Vanessa."
1537
00:53:25,655 --> 00:53:28,310
And I was like,
"My bad, I'm new to this."
1538
00:53:28,344 --> 00:53:29,448
I just--
1539
00:53:29,482 --> 00:53:30,620
I was like,
1540
00:53:30,655 --> 00:53:31,655
"But don't you think
they're beautiful?"
1541
00:53:31,689 --> 00:53:33,344
And her response was,
1542
00:53:33,379 --> 00:53:36,379
"Oh my gosh, these mountains
are so beautiful.
1543
00:53:36,413 --> 00:53:38,241
Let's go climb them!"
1544
00:53:38,275 --> 00:53:39,758
And...
1545
00:53:39,793 --> 00:53:41,517
I was like,
"Calm down, Cinderella."
1546
00:53:41,551 --> 00:53:43,793
You know, like,
let's not go die,
1547
00:53:43,827 --> 00:53:45,413
you know,
sounds like a better idea.
1548
00:53:45,448 --> 00:53:47,275
And I'm not saying
it's some white people stuff,
1549
00:53:47,310 --> 00:53:48,344
climbing up mountains.
1550
00:53:48,379 --> 00:53:49,482
I'm not saying that at all.
1551
00:53:49,517 --> 00:53:52,310
All I'm saying is,
anybody black I know
1552
00:53:52,344 --> 00:53:53,413
wouldn't have suggested that.
1553
00:53:53,448 --> 00:53:54,862
That's all I'm saying.
1554
00:53:54,896 --> 00:53:56,793
Climbing mountains
in Death Valley.
1555
00:53:56,827 --> 00:53:58,448
I was like, it's in the name.
1556
00:53:58,482 --> 00:54:00,413
They gave us clues right there.
1557
00:54:00,448 --> 00:54:02,655
And she was like,
"Well, that couple looks like
1558
00:54:02,689 --> 00:54:03,827
they're walking around
the bottom of the mountain."
1559
00:54:03,862 --> 00:54:05,068
It's a black couple, right?
1560
00:54:05,103 --> 00:54:06,379
And I was like,
"Well, they're walking
1561
00:54:06,413 --> 00:54:07,310
"on the bottom of the mountain.
1562
00:54:07,344 --> 00:54:08,586
They ain't going to the top,
you know."
1563
00:54:08,620 --> 00:54:09,517
She like, "I want to see
a little bit."
1564
00:54:09,551 --> 00:54:10,413
And I was like, whatever,
so we parked.
1565
00:54:10,448 --> 00:54:11,517
where she running
to the other couple.
1566
00:54:11,551 --> 00:54:13,448
We say, "What's up?"
They say, "What's up?" back.
1567
00:54:13,482 --> 00:54:14,551
Super sweet.
1568
00:54:14,586 --> 00:54:15,517
We start walking up
the mountain.
1569
00:54:15,551 --> 00:54:16,551
And it was fun.
1570
00:54:16,586 --> 00:54:17,517
It was fun for a little bit.
1571
00:54:17,551 --> 00:54:18,551
I was walking up,
1572
00:54:18,586 --> 00:54:19,689
and I was looking around,
1573
00:54:19,724 --> 00:54:20,655
and I felt bad,
'cause I was like,
1574
00:54:20,689 --> 00:54:21,931
man, this--I been talking
all this smack,
1575
00:54:21,965 --> 00:54:22,896
and it is fun.
1576
00:54:22,931 --> 00:54:24,655
So I turned to her
and I admitted to her.
1577
00:54:24,689 --> 00:54:25,931
I was like, "You know what,
white girlfriend Vanessa?
1578
00:54:25,965 --> 00:54:27,551
"I'm...
1579
00:54:27,586 --> 00:54:29,482
"I'm so glad you
suggested this,
1580
00:54:29,517 --> 00:54:30,655
'cause I'm having
a great time."
1581
00:54:30,689 --> 00:54:32,655
She's like, "I told you
it's gonna be a lot of fun."
1582
00:54:32,689 --> 00:54:34,310
And I was like, "Yeah,"
and it was great--
1583
00:54:34,344 --> 00:54:37,310
until I seen some fresh doo-doo
on the ground,
1584
00:54:37,344 --> 00:54:38,275
and I was like,
1585
00:54:38,310 --> 00:54:39,758
"That's so weird,
'cause I didn't do that."
1586
00:54:39,793 --> 00:54:41,758
You know what I mean?
So...
1587
00:54:41,793 --> 00:54:43,413
I was like, "How did that
get there if I didn't do that?"
1588
00:54:43,448 --> 00:54:46,517
I was like, "Did you do that?
That was fast, girl.
1589
00:54:46,551 --> 00:54:47,655
"When did you do that?
1590
00:54:47,689 --> 00:54:49,517
"When did you--
when did you, like,
1591
00:54:49,551 --> 00:54:51,517
"teleport your doo-doo
over here
1592
00:54:51,551 --> 00:54:52,655
"and put a paw mark next to it?
1593
00:54:52,689 --> 00:54:53,931
That's crazy."
1594
00:54:53,965 --> 00:54:55,793
And she goes,
"It wasn't me, silly.
1595
00:54:55,827 --> 00:54:58,344
It was probably just
a mountain lion."
1596
00:54:58,379 --> 00:54:59,862
What?!
1597
00:54:59,896 --> 00:55:00,724
How?!
1598
00:55:00,758 --> 00:55:03,000
How do you just say that
and be calm?
1599
00:55:03,034 --> 00:55:05,620
What do you mean, it's probably
just a mountain lion?
1600
00:55:05,655 --> 00:55:06,931
She says,
"Don't worry about it, silly.
1601
00:55:06,965 --> 00:55:08,586
"Mountain lions are way more
afraid of us
1602
00:55:08,620 --> 00:55:09,620
"than we are of them.
1603
00:55:09,655 --> 00:55:11,448
We just got to stand up
to 'em."
1604
00:55:11,482 --> 00:55:13,137
I said, "That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard
1605
00:55:13,172 --> 00:55:15,000
in my life."
1606
00:55:15,034 --> 00:55:16,551
That's stupid--
you trying to tell me
1607
00:55:16,586 --> 00:55:18,793
if I see a mountain lion live,
1608
00:55:18,827 --> 00:55:21,896
I'm supposed to be like,
"Whoa, there, mountain lion.
1609
00:55:21,931 --> 00:55:23,586
"You better stop it,
mountain lion,
1610
00:55:23,620 --> 00:55:24,758
'cause I googled you,"
1611
00:55:24,793 --> 00:55:26,793
and then the mountain lion
just walks off
1612
00:55:26,827 --> 00:55:29,551
like, "Hey, my bad, man.
1613
00:55:29,586 --> 00:55:30,793
"I didn't know you had Wi-Fi.
1614
00:55:30,827 --> 00:55:32,724
"Let me get out of here.
1615
00:55:32,758 --> 00:55:34,724
"I was gonna murder you,
but you googled me.
1616
00:55:34,758 --> 00:55:36,448
I got to leave now."
1617
00:55:36,482 --> 00:55:38,586
I said, "Listen, man,
I don't know what nursery rhyme
1618
00:55:38,620 --> 00:55:39,827
"you heard growing up,
1619
00:55:39,862 --> 00:55:41,965
"but it wasn't 'Black and Jill
went up the hill
1620
00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:43,965
"to get eaten by some
mountain lions.'
1621
00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:46,586
"We have to leave
for your safety.
1622
00:55:46,620 --> 00:55:48,862
"Okay? 'Cause I'm so much
faster than you.
1623
00:55:48,896 --> 00:55:51,379
"Like, it's not even close.
1624
00:55:51,413 --> 00:55:52,827
"It's not.
1625
00:55:52,862 --> 00:55:55,448
"Listen, I'm--look.
I was in track.
1626
00:55:55,482 --> 00:55:57,379
I was--I'ma destroy you."
1627
00:55:57,413 --> 00:55:58,379
And then I was like,
1628
00:55:58,413 --> 00:55:59,275
"And we in the mountains
1629
00:55:59,310 --> 00:56:00,344
"talking about some
mountain lions.
1630
00:56:00,379 --> 00:56:02,206
"They ain't no regular lions.
We in their turf.
1631
00:56:02,241 --> 00:56:03,793
"I ain't no mountain person
up in Memphis.
1632
00:56:03,827 --> 00:56:05,793
This is a bad idea.
We got to leave."
1633
00:56:05,827 --> 00:56:07,206
She like,
"I wanna stay up here longer."
1634
00:56:07,241 --> 00:56:08,827
And I was like,
"Good luck, Rapunzel.
1635
00:56:08,862 --> 00:56:11,034
'Cause I ain't about
to save you."
1636
00:56:11,068 --> 00:56:12,448
And I was gone.
1637
00:56:12,482 --> 00:56:13,482
I was like Mario Kart
1638
00:56:13,517 --> 00:56:15,517
when he hits that little
arrow thing in the game.
1639
00:56:15,551 --> 00:56:17,689
I be like, dun-dun-na-ma-na-na,
na-ma-na-na,
1640
00:56:17,724 --> 00:56:18,931
doo-ba-boppity-bow.
1641
00:56:18,965 --> 00:56:20,862
I forget how it goes.
Anyway--I forgot.
1642
00:56:20,896 --> 00:56:22,448
So I got to the bottom,
1643
00:56:22,482 --> 00:56:23,793
and I start breathing hard,
and I was sweating.
1644
00:56:23,827 --> 00:56:24,965
And I was like, I made it.
1645
00:56:25,000 --> 00:56:26,655
And I look across the street,
and I see that couple
1646
00:56:26,689 --> 00:56:27,896
looking at me just weird.
1647
00:56:27,931 --> 00:56:29,896
I'm like, why--why they
looking at me weird?
1648
00:56:29,931 --> 00:56:32,517
And I realized I just
walked up the mountain
1649
00:56:32,551 --> 00:56:33,482
with a white girl.
1650
00:56:36,517 --> 00:56:38,931
And ran down by myself.
1651
00:56:44,965 --> 00:56:46,551
I was like,
I can see how that looks.
1652
00:56:46,586 --> 00:56:48,448
I can see how that looks.
1653
00:56:48,482 --> 00:56:51,000
You think I'm O.J. part two.
That's what that look is.
1654
00:56:51,034 --> 00:56:52,896
She's alive--
I don't know if she's alive
1655
00:56:52,931 --> 00:56:54,482
I know I'm single now.
1656
00:56:54,517 --> 00:56:55,310
My name is Preacher Lawson.
1657
00:56:55,344 --> 00:56:57,448
Thank you so much.
I love y'all.
1658
00:56:57,482 --> 00:56:58,724
Thank you.
1659
00:56:58,758 --> 00:57:00,758
Thank you.
Y'all were amazing.
1660
00:57:00,793 --> 00:57:03,517
Thank you.
Thank you.
1661
00:57:03,551 --> 00:57:04,862
Thank you.
1662
00:57:04,896 --> 00:57:07,931
[cheers and applause]
115468
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