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00:00:03,834 --> 00:00:06,966
[ Announcer ] LIVE FROM QUAHOG,RHODE ISLAND, THIS ISCHANNEL FIVE ACTION NEWS...
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00:00:07,034 --> 00:00:09,798
WITH TOM TUCKER,DIANE SIMMONS,
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00:00:09,867 --> 00:00:14,698
AND BLACCU-WEATHERMETEOROLOGIST,OLLIE WILLIAMS.
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00:00:14,767 --> 00:00:17,732
GOOD EVENING,
I'M TOM TUCKER.
AND I'M DIANE SIMMONS.
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00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,865
COULD WE TALK ABOUT
SOMETHING BESIDES
YOURSELF, DIANE?
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00:00:19,934 --> 00:00:22,966
- EXCUSE ME?
- GREAT. TONIGHT, IN THE NEWS,
TWO LOCAL MEN ARRESTED...
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00:00:23,034 --> 00:00:25,032
AS PART OF AN ILLEGAL
STEROID RING.
8
00:00:25,101 --> 00:00:27,698
THESE CHARGES ARE FALSE.
OUR MUSCLES
ARE THE RESULT...
9
00:00:27,767 --> 00:00:31,165
OF HUNDREDS OF SQUAT-THRUSTS
AND SOMERSAULTS
DOWN ON THE HARD GROUND.
10
00:00:31,234 --> 00:00:35,765
STOP PUSHING!
SAVE YOUR ROUGHNECK TACTICS
FOR SACCO AND VANZETTI.
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00:00:40,934 --> 00:00:43,298
HUP! HUP-HO! HUP!
12
00:00:43,367 --> 00:00:45,765
MEANWHILE, AUTHORITIES
ACTING ON A TIP,
13
00:00:45,834 --> 00:00:48,632
SEARCHED THE MARSHLANDS
NEAR THE FOX POINT
HURRICANE BARRIER...
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00:00:48,701 --> 00:00:50,932
FOR WHAT THEY BELIEVED
TO BE THE REMAINS...
15
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,998
OF REPUTED MOBSTER
"BIG FAT" PAULY.
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00:00:53,067 --> 00:00:56,266
THE AUTHORITIES WERE
DISAPPOINTED TO FIND NOT
THE REMAINS OF "BIG FAT" PAULY,
17
00:00:56,334 --> 00:00:59,766
BUT, INSTEAD,
THE REMAINS OF THE DAY,
A BORING MERCHANT-IVORY FILM...
18
00:00:59,834 --> 00:01:03,599
- STARRING SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS.
- HMM. FUNNY HOW THEY
COULD'VE CONFUSED THAT.
19
00:01:03,667 --> 00:01:07,299
COMING UP, WHY YOUR NEXT
TRIP TO THE SALAD BAR
COULD BE YOUR LAST.
20
00:01:07,368 --> 00:01:10,099
BUT FIRST, WE GO LIVE
TO THE QUAHOG PERFORMING
ARTS CENTER...
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00:01:10,167 --> 00:01:13,431
WHERE ASIAN CORRESPONDENT,
TRICIA TAKANAWA
IS DOWN AT THE RED CARPET.
22
00:01:15,501 --> 00:01:19,632
- [ Shutters Clicking ]
- TOM, TONIGHT THE STARS
ARE OUT...
23
00:01:19,701 --> 00:01:23,199
FOR A SPECIAL SNEAK PREVIEW
OF A STRAIGHT-TO-DVD FEATURE...
24
00:01:23,267 --> 00:01:27,231
THAT WILL SOON BE IN
THE $3.99 BIN
AT YOUR LOCAL CAR WASH.
25
00:01:27,300 --> 00:01:30,032
HERE COMES MAYOR
ADAM WEST, HIMSELF.
26
00:01:30,101 --> 00:01:33,599
MR. WEST, DO YOU HAVE
ANY WORDS FOR OUR VIEWERS?
27
00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:38,332
BOX, TOASTER, ALUMINUM,
MAPLE SYRUP--
NO, I TAKE THAT ONE BACK.
28
00:01:38,401 --> 00:01:41,565
I'M GONNA HOLD ON
TO THAT ONE.
THANK YOU, MAYOR WEST.
29
00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:46,865
OH, AND IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,
IT'S LOCAL FOLK LEGEND
AND WARD OF THE STATE,
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00:01:46,934 --> 00:01:50,099
QUAHOG'S OWN
GREASED-UP DEAF GUY.
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00:01:50,168 --> 00:01:54,099
DON'T JUDGE ME!
I'M JUST DOIN' MY THING!
SEE YOU IN THE THEATER.
32
00:01:54,168 --> 00:01:56,598
- [ Woman ] EVIL, OVER HERE!
- [ Man ] HEY, EVIL MONKEY!
33
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:58,865
[ Overlapping Shouts ]
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00:01:58,934 --> 00:02:00,999
[ Cheering ]
35
00:02:01,068 --> 00:02:04,866
AND HERE COME TWO POPULAR
FAMILY GUY GUEST STARS,
36
00:02:04,934 --> 00:02:07,299
DREW BARRYMORE
AND HER DATE.
37
00:02:07,368 --> 00:02:09,832
[ Cheering ]
HEY, KOOL-AID!
38
00:02:09,901 --> 00:02:11,899
OH, YEAH!
THINGS GOING WELL
WITH DREW?
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00:02:11,968 --> 00:02:14,132
OH, YEAH!
40
00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:17,999
WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN
AND HE KEEPS MY TONGUE
REALLY RED.
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00:02:18,068 --> 00:02:20,132
SEE?
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00:02:20,201 --> 00:02:22,299
♪♪ [ Hip-hop ]
43
00:02:22,368 --> 00:02:26,598
HEY, THANK Y'ALL FOR COMING OUT.
DON'T FORGET TO CHECK OUT
MY CLOTHING LINE, C.C. BROWN,
44
00:02:26,667 --> 00:02:29,266
AVAILABLE
AT MANY RETAIL OUTLETS.
45
00:02:29,333 --> 00:02:31,565
GOT Y'ALL IN HERE.
46
00:02:31,634 --> 00:02:36,399
AND HERE ARE THE STARS
OF TONIGHT'S FILM,
THE GRIFFIN FAMILY.
47
00:02:36,468 --> 00:02:38,698
WHOA! WHAT'S THIS,
A PARTY?
48
00:02:38,767 --> 00:02:40,765
[ Chuckles ]
HOW'D YOU ALL
GET IN MY ROOM?
49
00:02:40,834 --> 00:02:43,498
[ Laughs ]
HI, I'M BRIAN.
50
00:02:43,567 --> 00:02:46,233
UM, I RODE BACKWARDS
IN THE LIMO, SO,
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00:02:46,301 --> 00:02:48,932
UH, ACTUALLY,
MY UNDERPANTS WERE GOING
THE RIGHT WAY.
52
00:02:49,001 --> 00:02:50,999
[ Giggles ]
53
00:02:51,068 --> 00:02:53,798
- STEWIE! STEWIE!
GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK!
- GOOD TO BE BACK.
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00:02:53,867 --> 00:02:56,765
ESPECIALLY SINCE MY BRIEF
FORAY INTO POLITICS
DIDN'T WORK OUT.
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00:02:56,834 --> 00:02:58,899
[ Cheering ]
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00:02:58,968 --> 00:03:02,133
[ Shouts, Cheers ]
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00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:08,698
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WE GOT HIM!
[ Cheering ]
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00:03:11,667 --> 00:03:14,032
STEWIE, I'M FROM TV GUIDE.
HOW DOES IT FEEL...
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00:03:14,101 --> 00:03:16,165
TO BE THE YOUNGEST
WORKING ACTOR IN HOLLYWOOD?
60
00:03:16,234 --> 00:03:19,832
WELL, IT FEELS ABOUT LIKE
SEVEN FIGURES A YEAR,
WHICH FEELS PRETTY GOOD.
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00:03:19,901 --> 00:03:21,932
STEWIE! STEWIE!
HI, I'M FROM
THE L.A. TIMES.
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00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:24,298
CAN YOU TELL US,
ARE YOU WORKING
ON ANY NEW PROJECTS?
63
00:03:24,367 --> 00:03:26,431
WELL, YES. I JUST DID
AN EPISODE OF
ACCORDING TO JIM.
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00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,431
I'M THE COMIC RELIEF.
65
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:32,132
STEWIE, DO YOU KNOW IF FOX
HAS ANY PLANS TO BRING BACK
FUTURAMA?
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00:03:32,201 --> 00:03:34,632
WHAT MAGAZINE
ARE YOU FROM?
ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY.
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00:03:34,701 --> 00:03:36,765
[ Gasping ]
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00:03:36,834 --> 00:03:40,665
♪ LA, LA, LA, LA
FAMILY GUY ♪
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00:03:40,734 --> 00:03:43,099
[ Slurring ]
H-H-HEY, EVERYBODY!
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00:03:43,168 --> 00:03:46,233
I AM SORRY. I AM SO SORRY.
THERE WAS BOOZE IN THE CAR.
[ Laughing ]
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00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:48,298
I'M SORRY.
[ Shouting ]
72
00:03:48,367 --> 00:03:50,532
OH, GOD, LOIS!
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE,
TAKE IT EASY, WILL YA?
73
00:03:50,601 --> 00:03:54,431
WHEN I HEARD--
WHEN I HEARD...
GOD.
74
00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:57,065
THAT WE WAS GONNA BE
IN A MOVIE, I WAS LIKE,
"YEAH!"
75
00:03:57,134 --> 00:03:59,765
ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST
TRY AND WALK STRAIGHT HERE.
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00:03:59,834 --> 00:04:01,832
JUST--
[ Grunts, Laughs ]
77
00:04:01,900 --> 00:04:03,899
LOIS, GET UP.
OH, GOD. LOIS, GET UP.
78
00:04:03,967 --> 00:04:06,366
GET ON!
I'M NOT GONNA
GET ON.
79
00:04:06,434 --> 00:04:08,465
I AM NOT GON--
LOIS. LOIS.
YOU GET UP.
80
00:04:08,534 --> 00:04:10,798
PETER.
WHAT?
81
00:04:10,867 --> 00:04:13,032
GET ON.
SON OF A BITCH.
82
00:04:13,101 --> 00:04:15,765
I-I AM REALLY SORRY,
EVERYBODY.
[ Giggling ]
83
00:04:15,834 --> 00:04:17,832
[ Vomits ]
OH, G-- OH! ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
84
00:04:17,901 --> 00:04:21,665
LET'S GET INSIDE.
[ Grunts ] COME ON.
OW!
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00:04:21,734 --> 00:04:25,332
SO, MEG, HOW DOES IT FEEL
TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION?
86
00:04:25,401 --> 00:04:28,365
[ Gasps ]
OH, MY GOD.
YOU TALKIN' TO ME?
87
00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:31,665
ARE YOU TALKIN' TO ME?
[ Gasps ]
OKAY. OKAY.
88
00:04:31,734 --> 00:04:36,464
WELL, I THOUGHT A LOT
ABOUT IT, AND I--
AND HERE COMES DAVID BOWIE.
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00:04:36,533 --> 00:04:39,798
DAVID, WHAT BRINGS YOU
ALL THE WAY TO--
SHH!
90
00:04:39,867 --> 00:04:42,266
JUST YOU SHUT
YOUR MOUTH.
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00:04:42,335 --> 00:04:45,066
OH, ME LOVE TO MEET
ZIGGY STARDUST!
92
00:04:45,133 --> 00:04:48,365
I TAKE YOU HOME.
I MAKE YOU FISH BOWEL SOUP.
FISH BOWEL!
93
00:04:48,434 --> 00:04:52,365
THANK YOU, TRICIA,
FOR SETTING YOUR PEOPLE BACK
A THOUSAND YEARS.
94
00:04:52,434 --> 00:04:55,399
AND NOW WE'LL CUT
INSIDE THE THEATER
TO OUR HIDDEN CAMERAMAN,
95
00:04:55,467 --> 00:04:58,032
WHO'LL BE PROVIDING US
WITH A BOOTLEG COPY
OF THE MOVIE.
96
00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:05,032
[ Cameraman Blathering ]
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00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:14,966
[ Announcer ]VINCE VAUGHN, SUSAN SARANDON...
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00:05:15,034 --> 00:05:17,632
IN TWO PEOPLE WHO LOOK
LIKE THEY NEVER SLEEP.
99
00:05:17,700 --> 00:05:19,799
HEY, MARY,
HOW'D YOU SLEEP LAST NIGHT?
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00:05:19,867 --> 00:05:22,598
UGH, I HAD PLENTY
OF SLEEP. STOP
ASKING ME THAT.
101
00:05:22,667 --> 00:05:24,665
WELL, YOU LOOK TIRED.
WELL, SO DO YOU.
102
00:05:24,733 --> 00:05:26,265
FINE.
YEAH.
103
00:05:34,967 --> 00:05:38,065
I'M A LITTLE BUNNY
AND I'M SEPARATED
FROM MY FAMILY.
104
00:05:38,134 --> 00:05:41,498
OH, NO. I HAVE A LONG
JOURNEY TO GO ON.
105
00:05:41,567 --> 00:05:43,631
I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO
GO IT ALONE.
106
00:05:43,700 --> 00:05:46,364
HEY, MR. BEAR,
I NEED YOUR HELP.
107
00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:50,364
BUT I'M A LONER BEAR
WHO DON'T LIKE TO BE
BOTHERED BY OTHER FOLKS.
108
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:53,698
[ Announcer ]A STORY OF FRIENDSHIP,WITH MUSIC BY RANDY NEWMAN.
109
00:05:53,767 --> 00:05:58,133
♪ IT'S A STORY 'BOUT FRIENDSHIP
WITH MUSIC BY ME ♪
110
00:05:58,201 --> 00:06:00,766
♪ 'BOUT A BEAR AND A BUNNY ♪
111
00:06:00,834 --> 00:06:04,498
♪ IN THE END THE BUNNY'S FAMILY
DIES BUT THE BEAR BECOMES
HIS NEW FAMILY ♪
112
00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:06,832
♪ SOMETHING LIKE THAT ♪
113
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:44,799
♪♪ [ Orchestral ]
114
00:06:55,801 --> 00:06:59,799
♪♪ [ Swing ]
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00:08:34,168 --> 00:08:36,732
WHEE!
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00:08:36,801 --> 00:08:40,698
MOM, LOOK! MOM! MOM!
117
00:08:40,768 --> 00:08:44,698
MOM! MOM! MOM, LOOK AT ME!
118
00:08:44,768 --> 00:08:48,265
LOOK AT ME!
MOM! MOM!
119
00:08:48,333 --> 00:08:51,232
MOM!
120
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:55,598
HOW WAS THAT?
YOUR THIRD SOMERSAULT
WAS A LITTLE SLOPPY.
121
00:08:55,667 --> 00:08:57,665
BUT WHAT DO I KNOW,
HUH?
122
00:08:57,734 --> 00:09:00,498
IT'S BEEN SO LONG
SINCE I QUALIFIED
FOR THE OLYMPICS.
123
00:09:00,567 --> 00:09:03,865
YOU WERE IN THE OLYMPICS?
NO, I GOT PREGNANT WITH MEG
AND COULDN'T GO.
124
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:05,999
NOW I'M PRO-CHOICE.
125
00:09:08,468 --> 00:09:11,065
HEY! HEY, MEG.
GO CROUCH DOWN
BEHIND BRIAN.
126
00:09:11,134 --> 00:09:13,532
I'M GONNA PUSH HIM
IN THE POOL.
[ Laughs ] OKAY.
127
00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:22,432
[ Both Groaning ]
128
00:09:22,501 --> 00:09:25,232
DAD!
OW! DAMN IT!
129
00:09:25,301 --> 00:09:27,598
[ Both Groaning ]
MEG, YOU DID IT WRONG!
130
00:09:29,934 --> 00:09:32,432
SEE YA LATER, HONEY.
I GUESS I CAN'T GO SWIMMIN'
FOR HALF AN HOUR.
131
00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:34,432
GIGGEDY-GIGGEDY-GIGGEDY-GOO!
132
00:09:34,501 --> 00:09:37,899
HEY, STEWIE. HOW 'BOUT DADDY TEACHES YA HOW TO SWIM?
133
00:09:37,967 --> 00:09:40,999
GO... AWAY... FAT MAN.
134
00:09:41,068 --> 00:09:43,632
[ Yells ]
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
"NO" MEANS "NO"!
135
00:09:43,701 --> 00:09:45,765
[ Yells ]
OKAY. HERE GOES.
136
00:09:45,834 --> 00:09:49,398
[ Yelling ]
COME ON, STEWIE.
IN... THE... POOL.
137
00:09:49,467 --> 00:09:53,832
NO! NO, I DON'T WANT
TO DIE! I WANT TO LIVE!
LIVE!
138
00:09:53,901 --> 00:09:57,032
PETER, STOP IT.
HE'S NEVER GONNA LEARN
LIKE THAT.
139
00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:59,298
MAYBE THIS SUMMER
HE SHOULD TAKE
SWIM LESSONS.
140
00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:01,399
WOULD YA LIKE THAT,
STEWIE?
HMM.
141
00:10:01,467 --> 00:10:04,166
WELL, I GUESS IT COULDN'T
BE WORSE THAN THAT SUMMER
I SPENT IN INDIA.
142
00:10:04,235 --> 00:10:06,531
WHATEVER YOU DO, SHORT-ROUND,
DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.
143
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:09,431
[ Mock Asian Accent ]
OKAY, DR. JONES,
I NO TOUCH ANYTHING.
144
00:10:10,834 --> 00:10:15,166
- INDY!
- LADY ONLY HERE
'CAUSE SHE HUMPING DIRECTOR.
145
00:10:18,134 --> 00:10:21,266
WHOA. LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
WHAT HAPPENED TO SAL'S VIDEO?
146
00:10:21,334 --> 00:10:24,232
WE BOUGHT THEM OUT
TWO WEEKS AGO. WELCOME
TO LACKLUSTER VIDEO.
147
00:10:24,301 --> 00:10:26,432
50,000 STORES
NATIONWIDE.
148
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:29,432
YEAH, WELL, UH, YOU KNOW,
I USED TO COME INTO SAL'S
ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK...
149
00:10:29,501 --> 00:10:32,832
TO RENT MOVIES FROM HIS,
UH... BACK ROOM.
150
00:10:32,901 --> 00:10:36,332
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
ROOM FOR, UH, ADULTS ONLY.
151
00:10:36,401 --> 00:10:40,132
CATCH MY DRIFT? THE, UH,
KIND OF MOVIES WHERE THERE
ARE X-RATED PORNOS...
152
00:10:40,201 --> 00:10:43,366
AND FULLY-NUDE PEOPLE
FORNICATE FOR THE CAMERA
AND STUFF COMES OUT.
153
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:45,632
GET MY MEANING?
OH, I'M SORRY,
BUT LACKLUSTER VIDEO...
154
00:10:45,701 --> 00:10:48,165
TAKES A STRONG MORAL STANCE
AGAINST PORNOGRAPHY,
155
00:10:48,234 --> 00:10:50,265
OPEN-MINDEDNESS
AND NON-CHRISTIANS.
156
00:10:50,334 --> 00:10:53,232
OH, YEAH? THEN WHY
DO YOU RENT PRINCE OF TIDES?
BARBRA STREISAND IS JEWISH.
157
00:10:53,301 --> 00:10:55,365
WE EDIT SOME
OF OUR MOVIES.
158
00:10:55,434 --> 00:10:57,465
I THINK I'M IN LOVE
WITH YOU, DOCTOR.
159
00:10:57,534 --> 00:11:01,765
NO, TOM, YOU'RE WRONG.
YOU DON'T LOVE ME.
YOU LOVE THE IDEA OF ME.
160
00:11:01,834 --> 00:11:04,698
HI, I'M TOM TUCKER.
DO ME A FAVOR
AND FILL THIS BAG...
161
00:11:04,767 --> 00:11:08,832
WITH MOTION PICTURES
FEATURING WOMEN-ON-WOMEN
OR ANYTHING WITH AN AMPUTEE.
162
00:11:08,901 --> 00:11:13,099
SAVE YOUR MONEY, TUCKER.
THIS PLACE DOESN'T HAVE PORN.
THEY THINK IT'S IMMORAL.
163
00:11:13,168 --> 00:11:15,166
YOU KNOW, THAT REALLY
GRINDS MY GEARS.
164
00:11:15,235 --> 00:11:18,699
WHERE IN THE BIBLE DOES IT SAY
A MAN CAN'T FIRE OFF
SOME KNUCKLE-CHILDREN...
165
00:11:18,767 --> 00:11:21,431
IN THE PRIVACY OF HIS OWN
NEIGHBOR'S LIVING ROOM,
WHILE HIS NEIGHBOR IS AT WORK...
166
00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:23,698
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE
A DVD PLAYER?
167
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:26,532
I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT SAYS IT
BECAUSE THE BIBLE
IS WAY TOO LONG TO READ.
168
00:11:26,601 --> 00:11:28,598
HEY, THAT WAS QUITE
A RANT THERE.
169
00:11:28,667 --> 00:11:31,999
YOU KNOW, WE'RE LOOKING
FOR AN EVERYMAN TO RANT ABOUT
PETTY, NONSENSICAL IRRITANTS...
170
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:34,132
TO REPLACE OUR "SPOTLIGHT
ON THE MIDDLE EAST" SEGMENT.
171
00:11:34,201 --> 00:11:36,199
HEY! I'D BE GREAT AT THAT!
172
00:11:36,267 --> 00:11:39,532
I'VE BEEN DYING TO GET
BACK ON TELEVISION EVER SINCE
I STOPPED HOSTING FAMILY FEUD.
173
00:11:39,601 --> 00:11:43,264
HOW ARE YOU, BETSY?
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
YOU ARE A LOVELY YOUNG WOMAN.
174
00:11:43,333 --> 00:11:46,333
STICK MY HAND UP THERE
AND FEEL THAT ONE.
[ Gasps ]
175
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,498
AND THAT ONE.
176
00:11:48,567 --> 00:11:51,032
WE'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHIN'
YOU SHOP FOR AT THE MALL.
THREE SECONDS.
177
00:11:56,734 --> 00:11:58,765
COME ON, STEWIE.
DON'T BE AFRAID.
178
00:11:58,834 --> 00:12:00,965
IT'S JUST WATER.
IT'S NOT GONNA BITE.
179
00:12:01,034 --> 00:12:03,865
SHUT UP! I KNOW
IT'S NOT GOING TO BITE, STUPID.
180
00:12:03,934 --> 00:12:07,698
WHAT A STUPID THING TO SAY.
YOU DROWN IN IT, YOU MORON.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BITE YOU.
181
00:12:07,767 --> 00:12:11,232
HEY, LITTLE GUY. TAKE
A LOOK AT BRAD OVER THERE.
HE'S MY STAR PUPIL.
182
00:12:11,301 --> 00:12:14,199
- SEE HOW BRAVE HE IS?
- [ Scoffs ] HE'S NOT BRAVE.
183
00:12:14,268 --> 00:12:16,331
I'LL TELL YOU
WHO WAS BRAVE-- GANDHI.
184
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,398
AND THE BLACK PEOPLE
ARE ALWAYS LIKE,
"HEY, BITCH."
185
00:12:19,466 --> 00:12:23,364
AND THE INDIAN PEOPLE,
WE DO NOT CALL OUR WOMEN
IN SUCH A WAY.
186
00:12:23,433 --> 00:12:25,498
[ Man ]BOO! YOU SUCK!
187
00:12:25,567 --> 00:12:28,398
OKAY, PARENTS. NEXT WEEK'S
THE TODDLER'S SWIM MEET.
188
00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:30,798
IT'S GONNA BE
A LOT OF FUN!
189
00:12:32,201 --> 00:12:34,831
YOU KNOW, THAT IS A REMARKABLE
RESEMBLANCE, BRAD.
190
00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:39,032
YOU, ON YOUR BACK,
IN THE WATER-- YOU LOOK LIKE
ONE OF MY STOOLS!
191
00:12:43,034 --> 00:12:46,932
SO, IS IT JUST POOL WATER THAT
TURNS YOU INTO A SNIVELING GIRL,
OR IS IT ALL WATER?
192
00:12:47,001 --> 00:12:49,698
MOM! BRIAN'S ASKING ME
IF IT'S JUST POOL WATER
THAT TURNS ME...
193
00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:51,832
INTO A SNIVELING GIRL
OR IF IT'S ALL WATER!
194
00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:56,232
I HEARD THAT OLYMPIC SWIMMERS
SHAVE ALL THE HAIR OFF THEIR
HEAD AND THEIR PRIVATE AREAS...
195
00:12:56,301 --> 00:12:58,265
TO MAKE 'EM MOVE FASTER.
196
00:12:58,334 --> 00:13:00,298
I DON'T NEED SOME
STUPID GIMMICK.
197
00:13:00,367 --> 00:13:05,199
SOON AS I IMPROVE MY TECHNIQUE,
I'LL OUTSWIM BRAD AS EASILY AS
I TOOK CARE OF THAT OTHER BOY.
198
00:13:05,267 --> 00:13:08,932
- CASPER, GO LONG!
- [ Tires Screeching ]
199
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,198
- [ Crash ]
- OOH, SORRY ABOUT THAT, MAN.
200
00:13:12,266 --> 00:13:14,198
ARE YOU DEAD?
YEAH, WHATEVER.
201
00:13:14,267 --> 00:13:16,266
I WAS GONNA OFF MYSELF
ON TUESDAY ANYWAY.
202
00:13:16,335 --> 00:13:19,431
HEY, PETER, SHOULDN'T YOU
BE GETTING READY FOR
YOUR FIRST NEWS SEGMENT?
203
00:13:19,500 --> 00:13:22,765
YEAH. I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS,
THOUGH. I'M NOT SURE
WHAT TO TALK ABOUT.
204
00:13:22,834 --> 00:13:26,199
YOU COULD TALK ABOUT ME.
OKAY, HONEY.
I'LL TALK ABOUT YOU.
205
00:13:26,268 --> 00:13:30,432
[ Laughs ]
"HEY, I'M MEG. I GO TO SCHOOL.
I WEAR GLASSES."
206
00:13:30,501 --> 00:13:34,199
[ All Laughing ]
207
00:13:34,268 --> 00:13:36,631
- SPOT ON. SPOT ON.
- [ Laughs Sheepishly ]
208
00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:39,598
OH, PETER, YOU'LL BE GREAT.
YOU'RE A NATURAL.
209
00:13:39,667 --> 00:13:42,432
I ALWAYS SAID THEY NEVER
SHOULD HAVE REPLACED YOU
ON ROSEANNE.
210
00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:44,599
HEY, ROSIE,
HAVE YOU SEEN DARLENE?
211
00:13:44,667 --> 00:13:50,032
[ Slurring Words ]
212
00:13:50,101 --> 00:13:52,499
...AND JUNK.
213
00:13:52,567 --> 00:13:57,399
UH, I-I DON'T, UH--
I CAN'T, UH--
WHAT?
214
00:13:59,801 --> 00:14:03,233
IN OTHER NEWS, AFTER
SEVERAL GRUELING DAYS
OF FRIGHTENING UNCERTAINTY,
215
00:14:03,301 --> 00:14:06,832
I FINALLY GET MY PERIOD.
WELL, DIANE, I'M SURE
YOU AND YOUR BROTHER...
216
00:14:06,901 --> 00:14:10,099
MUST BE DEVASTATED
BY THE LOSS OF THE TWO-HEADED
OFFSPRING THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN.
217
00:14:10,168 --> 00:14:14,132
WE NOW GO TO PETER GRIFFIN
FOR "YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY
GRINDS MY GEARS?"
218
00:14:14,201 --> 00:14:17,265
THANKS, TOM. YOU KNOW
WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS?
219
00:14:17,334 --> 00:14:20,698
NOBODY'S COME UP
WITH A NEW PRIEST-AND-RABBI JOKE
IN, LIKE, 30 YEARS.
220
00:14:20,767 --> 00:14:22,899
YOU KNOW? I MEAN, OKAY.
UM, UM--
221
00:14:22,968 --> 00:14:25,865
A PRIEST AND RABBI
GO INTO THE SUPERMARKET
AND, UH, THE PRIEST...
222
00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:28,166
WANTS TO BUY A HAM
AND THE RABBI SAYS,
223
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:30,233
"UH, I CAN'T EAT IT.
IT'S FORBIDDEN.
224
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:32,498
COULDN'T EAT IT.
NOT ALLOWED."
225
00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:35,066
PIGS ARE LIKE
SUPERHEROES TO THEM.
IS IT PERFECT? NO.
226
00:14:35,135 --> 00:14:37,398
I-I DON'T SEE YOU
COMIN' UP WITH ANYTHING.
227
00:14:37,466 --> 00:14:39,631
AND THAT, PEOPLE,
IS WHAT GRINDS MY GEARS.
TOM.
228
00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:43,699
COME ON.
YOU GONNA BE ALL DAY?
229
00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:46,531
[ Stewie ] I'M BRUSHING MY TEETH.
YOU ONLY HAVE, LIKE, TWO.
230
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,731
- I MEAN, HOW LONG COULD--
OH, GOD!
- OH. HEY.
231
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,965
UH... WOW.
232
00:14:53,034 --> 00:14:56,132
[ Chuckles Nervously ]
YOU... DOIN' A LITTLE
HAIR REMOVAL THERE?
233
00:14:56,201 --> 00:14:59,066
OH, UH-- YEAH.
234
00:14:59,134 --> 00:15:02,699
UM... YOU KNOW, FEEL FREE
TO SAY "NO" TO THIS, BUT...
235
00:15:02,768 --> 00:15:05,166
WOULD YOU SHAVE
MY COIN PURSE?
236
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:09,398
[ Laughing ]
237
00:15:11,034 --> 00:15:14,698
OH, NO! NO WAY, MAN!
238
00:15:14,768 --> 00:15:18,866
[ Laughs ]
HOLY FREAKING GOD!
239
00:15:18,934 --> 00:15:23,232
- OH!
- [ Scoffs ] DON'T HAVE TO BE
SO UPTIGHT ABOUT IT.
240
00:15:24,434 --> 00:15:26,665
THERE WE ARE.
BALDER THAN MICHAEL CHIKLIS--
241
00:15:26,734 --> 00:15:29,631
AND BEARS HIM AN ODD
RESEMBLANCE TOO. I SAY,
THEY COULD BE BROTHERS.
242
00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:32,565
[ Announcer ]DETECTIVE VIC MACKEYHAS FINALLY MET HIS MATCH.
243
00:15:32,634 --> 00:15:36,232
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT
THE SHIELD COULDN'TGET ANYMORE INTENSE.
244
00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:39,431
HEY, MACKEY,
YOUR BROTHER'S HERE.
I'M SORRY, DETECTIVE.
245
00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:42,631
I DON'T HAVE A BROTHER.
HELLO, VIC.
246
00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:46,632
DETECTIVE SCROTES. I TOLD YOU
I NEVER WANTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
247
00:15:46,701 --> 00:15:49,732
YEAH? WELL, I GOT
A LISTENIN' PROBLEM.
248
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:54,032
OKAY. WE'RE GONNA HAVE
OUR FIRST FUN LITTLE RACE.
249
00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:56,099
WHEN I BLOW THIS WHISTLE,
I WANT ALL THE PARENTS...
250
00:15:56,167 --> 00:15:58,165
TO THROW THEIR CHILDREN
INTO THE POOL.
251
00:15:58,234 --> 00:16:02,431
IF YOUR CHILD DOESN'T RESURFACE
RIGHT AWAY, THEY'RE PROBABLY
JUST TRYING TO GET ATTENTION.
252
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:04,565
- READY?
- GOOD LUCK, STEWIE.
253
00:16:04,633 --> 00:16:06,465
[ Imitating Brad ]
"GOOD LUCK, STEWIE."
254
00:16:06,534 --> 00:16:07,999
THAT'S YOU. THAT'S WHAT
YOU SOUND LIKE.
255
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:11,398
- [ Blows Whistle ]
- YOU'RE MINE, BRAD!
256
00:16:11,466 --> 00:16:14,799
DAMN, DAMN, DAMN,
DAMN, DAMN!
[ Gurgling ]
257
00:16:18,034 --> 00:16:20,965
EW! A BAND-AID.
258
00:16:21,034 --> 00:16:24,032
- I'VE GOT YA, SWEETIE.
- [ Choking ]
259
00:16:27,567 --> 00:16:30,266
- [ Chattering ]
- [ Giggles ]
260
00:16:30,335 --> 00:16:32,232
[ Cheering ]
GOOD FOR YOU, BRAD!
261
00:16:32,300 --> 00:16:34,365
OH, ISN'T HE ADORABLE?
HE'S MUCH BETTER
THAN MY KIDS.
262
00:16:36,767 --> 00:16:39,831
SO, YOU THINK YOU CAN
MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL,
DO YOU? YOU LITTLE BASTARD!
263
00:16:39,900 --> 00:16:42,932
WELL, GUESS AGAIN!
264
00:16:43,001 --> 00:16:47,199
OH, BRAD!
THERE'S A PIECE OF MARZIPAN
OVER HERE FOR YOU.
265
00:16:50,934 --> 00:16:53,632
- [ Beeps ]
- WHAT THE DEUCE?
266
00:16:55,034 --> 00:16:58,665
- [ Beeping ]
- [ Grunts ]
267
00:16:58,734 --> 00:17:02,632
- [ Beeping Continues ]
- [ Explosion ]
268
00:17:04,567 --> 00:17:08,565
- [ Screams ]
- [ Crash ]
269
00:17:11,634 --> 00:17:14,665
HELL? NOW, THAT'S A BIT MUCH,
DON'T YOU THINK?
270
00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:17,832
I MEAN, SURE, I'VE SPENT
MY ENTIRE LIFE TRYING TO KILL
MY MOTHER. BUT WHO HASN'T?
271
00:17:17,901 --> 00:17:20,732
YOU KNOW, REALLY, FOR HELL
THIS ISN'T THAT BAD.
272
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,932
HI, THERE.
I'M STEVE ALLEN.
OH, HELLO.
273
00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:24,831
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO THIS.
[ Screams ]
274
00:17:24,900 --> 00:17:28,232
[ Gasps ] AH!
[ Gasping ]
275
00:17:28,301 --> 00:17:30,298
I'M ALIVE. I'M ALIVE!
276
00:17:30,367 --> 00:17:32,532
OH! STEWIE! MY BABY.
277
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,899
I THOUGHT I'D LOST YOU.
OH! [ Kissing ]
278
00:17:35,968 --> 00:17:38,965
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
ALL THESE YEARS I THOUGHT
I WAS LIVING IN HELL,
279
00:17:39,034 --> 00:17:41,032
BUT IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE.
280
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:43,365
THIS IS A SIGN.
WELL, FROM THIS DAY FORWARD,
281
00:17:43,434 --> 00:17:46,799
STEWART GILLIGAN GRIFFIN
WILL BE A GOOD BOY.
282
00:17:46,867 --> 00:17:49,865
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I WAS ONLY GONNA ASK HIM
TO FIX MY COLLAR.
283
00:17:49,934 --> 00:17:52,532
HUH. WELL, I WONDER
WHAT THEY GOT ON TV IN HELL.
284
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:56,132
♪♪ [ TV: Theme ]
♪ THERE'S A TIME FOR LOVE
AND A TIME FOR LIVING ♪
285
00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:58,632
[ Clicking Repeatedly ]
♪ TAKE A CHANCE
AND FACE THE WIND ♪♪
286
00:18:04,101 --> 00:18:06,099
MORNING, BRIAN.
287
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:08,932
BEAUTIFUL DAY, ISN'T IT?
KIND OF DAY THAT MAKES YOU
GLAD TO BE ALIVE.
288
00:18:09,001 --> 00:18:12,298
I MADE FUDGE.
UH, OKAY.
289
00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:17,498
WHA-- UH--
WHAT, UH--
290
00:18:17,567 --> 00:18:19,899
WHAT ARE YOU--
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, FROM THE FEEL OF IT,
291
00:18:19,967 --> 00:18:22,165
WORKING THROUGH
QUITE A FEW YEARS OF STRESS.
292
00:18:22,233 --> 00:18:25,398
THE THING IS, WHEN I DIED,
I GOT A GLIMPSE
OF WHERE I WAS GOING...
293
00:18:25,467 --> 00:18:27,731
AND, WELL, I DID NOT
LIKE IT ONE BIT.
294
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,465
WOW. I AM SO
UNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW.
295
00:18:30,534 --> 00:18:32,565
SO, I'VE RESOLVED
TO CHANGE MY WAYS,
296
00:18:32,634 --> 00:18:34,665
BECAUSE I KNOW NOW
WHO I WANT TO BE.
297
00:18:34,734 --> 00:18:38,599
♪ I HAVE CONFIDENCE
IN SUNSHINE ♪
298
00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:41,832
♪ I HAVE CONFIDENCE
IN RAIN ♪
299
00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:45,032
♪ I HAVE CONFIDENCE
THAT SPRING WILL COME AGAIN ♪
300
00:18:45,101 --> 00:18:48,665
♪ BESIDES WHICH, YOU SEE
I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN ME ♪♪
301
00:18:48,734 --> 00:18:51,665
THERE YOU ARE.
DRINK PLENTY OF WATER.
302
00:18:51,733 --> 00:18:54,165
HEY, BRIAN.
YEAH?
303
00:18:54,233 --> 00:18:56,465
THANKS FOR LISTENING.
304
00:18:56,534 --> 00:18:59,465
BOY, THAT WAS MORE DISTURBING
THAN THAT CARTOON I SAW
THE OTHER DAY.
305
00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:07,631
SHH! BE "VEWY," "VEWY" QUIET.
I'M HUNTING "WABBITS."
306
00:19:08,700 --> 00:19:10,698
NYAH, WHAT'S UP, DOC?
307
00:19:10,767 --> 00:19:14,231
[ Groaning ]
308
00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:16,465
OH, GOD! OH, GOD!
309
00:19:16,533 --> 00:19:19,798
OH! [ Groaning ]
310
00:19:25,335 --> 00:19:28,066
[ Bones Crack ]
311
00:19:31,667 --> 00:19:34,399
SHH! QUIET! QUIET!
YOUR FATHER'S ON.
312
00:19:34,468 --> 00:19:38,032
YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY
GRINDS MY GEARS?
THIS LINDSAY LOHAN.
313
00:19:38,101 --> 00:19:40,865
EH? LINDSAY LOHAN
WITH ALL THOSE
LITTLE OUTFITS...
314
00:19:40,933 --> 00:19:43,232
JUMPIN' AROUND THERE
ON STAGE HALF-NAKED...
315
00:19:43,301 --> 00:19:45,399
WITH YOUR LITTLE OUTFITS.
316
00:19:45,467 --> 00:19:49,266
YOU'RE UP THERE JUMPIN' AROUND
AND I'M JUST SITTIN' HERE
WITH MY BEER.
317
00:19:49,333 --> 00:19:51,765
SO, YOU KNOW,
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
318
00:19:51,834 --> 00:19:54,265
WHAT DO YOU--
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
YOU KNOW, ARE WE GONNA GO OUT?
319
00:19:54,334 --> 00:19:56,999
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE
TRYIN'-- WHY ARE YOU...
LEAPIN' AROUND THERE,
320
00:19:57,067 --> 00:20:00,065
THROWIN' THOSE THINGS
ALL UP, UM, OVER THERE
IN MY FACE?
321
00:20:00,133 --> 00:20:04,066
HUH? WHAT DO YOU WANT, LINDSAY?
TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!
322
00:20:04,134 --> 00:20:06,432
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT YOU WANT.
YOU WANT NOTHIN'.
323
00:20:06,501 --> 00:20:08,498
YOU WANT NOTHIN'.
ALL RIGHT?
324
00:20:08,567 --> 00:20:12,565
BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT
NO WOMAN ANYWHERE WANTS
TO HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE,
325
00:20:12,634 --> 00:20:17,132
AND TO TITILLATE US
WITH ANY THOUGHTS OTHERWISE
IS JUST BOGUS.
326
00:20:17,201 --> 00:20:20,899
OH! HE IS SO RIGHT-ON.
WOMEN ARE SUCH TEASES.
327
00:20:20,967 --> 00:20:22,965
THAT'S WHY
I WENT BACK TO MEN.
328
00:20:23,034 --> 00:20:27,431
OKAY, MOM.
THANKS FOR THAT.
SEE YOU LATER.
329
00:20:27,500 --> 00:20:29,565
GO ON.
330
00:20:29,633 --> 00:20:33,266
ANOTHER THING THAT GRINDS
MY GEARS IS WHEN I CAN'T
FIND THE DROIDS I'M LOOKIN' FOR.
331
00:20:33,335 --> 00:20:35,532
[ Amplified Voice ]
YEAH, ME TOO.
WHAT GIVES WITH THAT?
332
00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:37,799
AND THAT'S WHAT REALLY
GRINDS MY GEARS.
333
00:20:37,867 --> 00:20:39,832
CLEAR.
REMOVE MY MICROPHONE.
334
00:20:39,901 --> 00:20:41,899
GREAT JOB,
MR. GRIFFIN.
GREAT JOB, PETER.
335
00:20:41,967 --> 00:20:43,965
JUST TERRIFIC.
JUST FANTASTIC.
336
00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:46,399
OH, THIS GIG IS EVEN BETTER
THAN THAT JOB I HAD...
337
00:20:46,467 --> 00:20:48,998
PROVIDING NIGHTTIME HEAT
FOR LARA FLYNN BOYLE.
338
00:20:49,067 --> 00:20:51,198
THANKS SO MUCH, PETER.
339
00:20:51,267 --> 00:20:53,331
I WAS GETTING
A LITTLE CHILLY.
NO SWEAT, LARA.
340
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,998
HEY, YOU HAVE YOURSELF
A FINE SLEEP.
341
00:20:57,334 --> 00:21:00,432
HEY, LARA.
YEAH?
342
00:21:00,501 --> 00:21:04,398
IS DYLAN McDERMOTT
NICE IN PERSON?
YEAH.
343
00:21:04,467 --> 00:21:06,531
GOOD.
344
00:21:10,434 --> 00:21:12,599
SO, WHO WOULD LIKE
TO SAY THE BLESSING?
345
00:21:12,667 --> 00:21:14,932
NO ONE? OKAY.
I'LL DO IT.
346
00:21:15,001 --> 00:21:17,099
UM, DEAR LORD,
347
00:21:17,167 --> 00:21:19,565
WE THANK YOU FOR THIS FOOD
WE ARE ABOUT TO EAT,
348
00:21:19,634 --> 00:21:23,399
UH, THANK YOU
FOR THIS GORGEOUS DAY,
349
00:21:23,467 --> 00:21:27,365
AND THANK YOU
FOR LETTING ME SHARE IT
WITH MY GOOD FRIEND, BRIAN--
350
00:21:27,433 --> 00:21:29,431
THAT'S YOU.
351
00:21:29,500 --> 00:21:31,498
UM...
352
00:21:31,567 --> 00:21:33,899
AND THAT ABOUT COVERS IT,
I GUESS.
353
00:21:33,967 --> 00:21:36,032
ALL RIGHT. AMEN.
[ Groans ]
354
00:21:36,101 --> 00:21:40,665
SWEETHEART, I THOUGHT
YOUR "GRIND MY GEARS" SEGMENT
WAS JUST WONDERFUL TONIGHT.
355
00:21:40,734 --> 00:21:43,032
YEAH! I CAN'T BELIEVE
MY FATHER'S FAMOUS.
356
00:21:43,101 --> 00:21:45,231
WELL, HONEY, THERE'S BEEN
A LOT OF FAMOUS GRIFFINS,
357
00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:47,498
LIKE MY GREAT AUNT,
ELLA FITZGERALD GRIFFIN.
358
00:21:47,567 --> 00:21:49,765
♪♪ [ Jazz ]
THANK YOU, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.
359
00:21:49,834 --> 00:21:52,032
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
MY ACCOMPANIST FOR
THE EVENING,
360
00:21:52,101 --> 00:21:54,998
PLEASE SAY HELLO
TO YOUNG RAY CHARLES.
361
00:21:55,067 --> 00:21:58,565
- [ Cheering ]
- ♪♪ [ Scatting ]
362
00:22:01,434 --> 00:22:05,698
♪♪ [ Holds Note ]
363
00:22:05,767 --> 00:22:09,132
[ Screaming ]
I'M BLIND!
364
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:12,966
I FEEL RIDICULOUS.
WELL, I CAN'T VERY WELL
FIT YOU UP HERE, CAN I?
365
00:22:13,034 --> 00:22:17,499
- WHERE ARE WE GOING?
- WELL, THERE IS THE MOST
ABSOLUTELY PERFECT...
366
00:22:17,567 --> 00:22:19,832
SPIDER WEB IN THE BUSHES
BY CLEVELAND'S HOUSE.
367
00:22:19,901 --> 00:22:22,399
- YOU HAVE JUST GOT TO SEE IT.
- OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
368
00:22:22,467 --> 00:22:24,498
HEY, BRIAN. BRIAN.
WHAT?
369
00:22:24,567 --> 00:22:26,698
KNOCK-KNOCK.
OH, COME ON.
370
00:22:26,767 --> 00:22:28,798
KNOCK-KNOCK.
WHO'S THERE?
371
00:22:28,867 --> 00:22:32,665
YOUR FRIEND, STEWIE--
AND HE'S ALWAYS GONNA
BE THERE FOR YOU.
372
00:22:34,134 --> 00:22:38,032
YES. TABLE FOR TWO.
I'M SORRY. WE HAVE
A 45-MINUTE WAIT.
373
00:22:38,101 --> 00:22:40,631
OH, ISN'T THAT TOO BAD,
HONEY?
374
00:22:40,700 --> 00:22:43,831
BECAUSE I KNOW WAITING
IN LINE AT A RESTAURANT...
375
00:22:43,900 --> 00:22:45,965
REALLY, UH,
GRINDS YOUR GEARS.
376
00:22:46,034 --> 00:22:48,032
OH, MY GOD! IT'S YOU!
377
00:22:48,101 --> 00:22:51,099
I LOVED YOUR RANT ABOUT
HOW BREAD IS SQUARE
AND BALONEY IS ROUND.
378
00:22:51,168 --> 00:22:53,232
OH, A TABLE
JUST OPENED UP.
379
00:22:53,301 --> 00:22:57,331
HEY! WE'VE BEEN WAITING.
SHH!
THAT'S MICHAEL MOORE.
380
00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,398
MR. TUCKER,
WE NEED THIS TABLE.
381
00:22:59,467 --> 00:23:01,465
BUT I'VE
ALREADY ORDERED.
382
00:23:01,533 --> 00:23:05,199
OH, WE HAVE A PRIVATE
BOOTH SET UP FOR YOU.
THIS WAY.
383
00:23:05,268 --> 00:23:07,266
GRIFFIN.
DIANE.
384
00:23:07,335 --> 00:23:09,965
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE GOT
A TABLE AT THE HOTTEST
RESTAURANT IN TOWN...
385
00:23:10,034 --> 00:23:12,032
WITHOUT A RESERVATION.
386
00:23:12,101 --> 00:23:14,165
WE REALLY ARE
MOVING UP IN THE WORLD.
387
00:23:14,234 --> 00:23:16,598
YEAH, BUT I'D LOVE TO SEE
WHAT THOSE PRIVATE BOOTHS
ARE LIKE.
388
00:23:21,001 --> 00:23:25,398
THIS IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE.
HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE?
I'M VERY HUNGRY.
389
00:23:29,601 --> 00:23:31,898
HEY, B! RUPERT AND I
WERE JUST ABOUT TO--
390
00:23:31,967 --> 00:23:34,099
E-E-EXCUSE ME.
DID YOU JUST CALL ME "B"?
391
00:23:34,168 --> 00:23:36,398
YES, B. RUPERT AND I
WERE JUST ABOUT TO DINE
ON THIS MIXTURE...
392
00:23:36,467 --> 00:23:38,465
OF PLAY-DOH
AND RUG HAIR.
393
00:23:38,534 --> 00:23:40,532
CARE TO JOIN?
OH, NO, THANKS.
394
00:23:40,601 --> 00:23:42,832
I JUST THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED
IN SEEING THIS.
395
00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:46,332
THIS IS THE MOST
ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY
DESTROYED SPIDER WEB.
396
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:48,565
[ Gasps ]
WHERE'S THE SPIDER?
KNOCK-KNOCK.
397
00:23:48,634 --> 00:23:50,765
WHO'S THERE?
I ATE HIM!
398
00:23:50,834 --> 00:23:53,231
YOU BASTARD!
WHO THE HELL
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
399
00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:56,065
HA! I KNEW IT.
I KNEW YOU HADN'T
REALLY CHANGED.
400
00:23:56,134 --> 00:23:59,131
OKAY. SO, I WAS FAKING
BEING NICE. IT'S NOT
THE WORST THING I'VE DONE.
401
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:01,531
[ Cheering ][ Bat Hitting Ball ]
402
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:04,265
OOH! STEVE, IT'S COMING
RIGHT AT US. GRAB IT!
403
00:24:04,334 --> 00:24:06,932
I DON'T WANNA
GET IN THE WAY.
IT'S A FOUL BALL.
404
00:24:07,001 --> 00:24:09,099
WHAT HARM CAN IT DO?
405
00:24:09,168 --> 00:24:12,532
LOOK, I REALLY DON'T
WANT TO GO TO HELL,
BUT I CAN'T FIGHT MY NATURE.
406
00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:15,265
I'M JUST A HATEFUL PERSON.
YOU'RE NOT HATEFUL.
407
00:24:15,333 --> 00:24:17,331
YOU JUST NEED TO CONTROL
YOUR ANGER LIKE I DO.
408
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:19,399
[ Scoffs ]
YOU MEAN BY BEING
SAUCED ALL DAY?
409
00:24:19,467 --> 00:24:21,998
WAIT A MINUTE.
OF COURSE. THAT'S IT.
410
00:24:22,067 --> 00:24:25,698
IF I'M DRUNK, I'LL BE CALM.
IF I'M CALM, I'LL BE NICE.
IF I'M NICE, I WON'T GO TO HELL.
411
00:24:25,767 --> 00:24:28,165
FIX ME A HIGHBALL.
I'M GOING TO GET
GOOD AND TIGHT.
412
00:24:28,234 --> 00:24:30,364
LOOK, YOU CAN'T DRINK.
YOU'RE AN INFANT, ALL RIGHT?
413
00:24:30,433 --> 00:24:32,498
BESIDES, THERE ARE
BETTER WAYS TO SOLVE
YOUR PROBLEMS.
414
00:24:32,567 --> 00:24:35,698
OH, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT.
THANKS, BRIAN. I WAS WEAK.
415
00:24:35,767 --> 00:24:38,032
NO PROBLEM.
416
00:24:41,734 --> 00:24:44,632
OH, MY GOD! DO YOU KNOW
WHAT IT'S TIME FOR?
417
00:24:44,701 --> 00:24:46,899
A SEXY PARTY!
418
00:24:46,968 --> 00:24:50,565
♪♪ [ 1960's Pop ]
[ All Giggling ]
419
00:24:56,067 --> 00:24:58,199
[ Giggling ]
420
00:25:04,767 --> 00:25:08,032
SO, BRIAN, I--
OH, WHAT?
421
00:25:08,101 --> 00:25:11,765
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
I-I THOUGHT-- OH, I THOUGHT
YOU INTERRUPTED ME.
422
00:25:11,834 --> 00:25:14,198
DO-DON'T INTERRUPT ME!
ARE YOU OKAY?
423
00:25:14,266 --> 00:25:16,932
I'M AS OKAY
AS YOUR FACE.
424
00:25:17,001 --> 00:25:19,598
[ Laughing ]
425
00:25:19,667 --> 00:25:23,432
[ Wheezing ]
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
I'M S-SORRY.
426
00:25:23,501 --> 00:25:26,832
SO, HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO RANT ABOUT TODAY?
427
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:29,332
COULD WE GET
A LITTLE PREVIEW?
OH, I GOT A GOOD ONE, LOIS.
428
00:25:29,401 --> 00:25:32,532
PARENTS WHO LET THEIR KIDS
DO ANYTHING THEY WANT.
I HATE THAT.
429
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:35,532
YOU KNOW? LIKE,
WHEN I'M IN A RESTAURANT
TRYIN' TO ENJOY MY DINNER...
430
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:39,665
AND LITTLE BABY JUNIOR
SON-OF-A-BITCH OVER THERE
IS SCREAMING HIS HEAD OFF.
431
00:25:39,734 --> 00:25:41,832
PARENTS NEED
TO CONTROL THEIR KIDS.
432
00:25:41,901 --> 00:25:45,265
HEY! EVERYBODY, LOOK!
I'M GONNA DO--
I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING...
433
00:25:45,334 --> 00:25:47,398
THAT'S GONNA FREAK YOU OUT.
434
00:25:47,467 --> 00:25:51,398
I'M GONNA JUMP FROM THIS SHELF
TO MY HIGH CHAIR.
435
00:25:51,467 --> 00:25:55,498
I'M GONNA JUMP.
YOU-- ARE Y-YOU WATCHING?
ARE YOU? ARE YOU?
436
00:25:55,567 --> 00:25:57,999
STEWIE, DON'T INTERRUPT.
IT GRINDS MY GEARS
WHEN YOU DO THAT.
437
00:25:58,067 --> 00:26:00,098
[ Screams ]
OH! HE SAID IT!
438
00:26:00,167 --> 00:26:02,166
[ Giggles ]
439
00:26:02,235 --> 00:26:04,531
YOU'RE GON--
YOU'RE GONNA--
YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT.
440
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:07,365
YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT.
YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT.
441
00:26:07,434 --> 00:26:10,332
[ Crash ] [ Stewie Groans, Laughs ]
442
00:26:10,401 --> 00:26:13,366
OH, G-- OH, DUDE! DID YOU SEE TH-THAT?
443
00:26:13,434 --> 00:26:15,799
DID YOU GUYS-- OH, MAN. LOOK AT THIS--
444
00:26:15,868 --> 00:26:18,899
LOOK AT THIS GASH. LOOK AT THIS GASH RIGHT UP THE SIDE OF MY LEG.
445
00:26:18,967 --> 00:26:21,599
OH-HO! OH! I CUT MYSELF DEEP.
446
00:26:21,667 --> 00:26:24,233
OH! IT DOESN'T HURT THOUGH.
UH, ALL RIGHT.
TIME FOR YOUR NAP.
447
00:26:24,301 --> 00:26:26,364
DON'T WORRY, LOIS.
I'LL TAKE HIM. LET'S GO.
448
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,665
GOD! WHAT-- WHAT THE HELL?
449
00:26:29,734 --> 00:26:31,899
WHY ARE YOU DRAG--
WHY ARE WE IN HERE?
450
00:26:31,968 --> 00:26:34,166
IT'S RUDE TO THE...
OTHER PEOPLE.
451
00:26:34,235 --> 00:26:36,233
YOU'RE DRUNK.
YOU'RE SEXY.
452
00:26:36,300 --> 00:26:38,498
LISTEN, YOU HAVE TO
STOP THIS, ALL RIGHT?
NO MORE DRINKING.
453
00:26:38,567 --> 00:26:40,732
I'M SORRY I EVEN
PUT IT IN YOUR HEAD.
I DON'T KNOW.
454
00:26:40,801 --> 00:26:43,431
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS.
I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER.
455
00:26:43,500 --> 00:26:46,499
[ Vomits ]
OKAY, NOW I'VE NEVER
FELT BETTER.
456
00:26:50,667 --> 00:26:53,632
YOU KNOW, PETER,
THERE'S GONNA BE A LOT
OF PEOPLE WATCHING TONIGHT.
457
00:26:53,701 --> 00:26:56,531
BETTER KEEP YOUR BALLS
ON THE PRIZE-- EYEBALLS--
458
00:26:56,601 --> 00:26:58,665
ON THE BALL.
EYES ON THE BALL.
459
00:26:58,734 --> 00:27:01,032
[ Clears Throat ]
TAKE TWO. YOU KNOW,
PETER, THERE'S GONNA BE...
460
00:27:01,100 --> 00:27:03,298
A LOT OF PEOPLE
WATCHING TONIGHT.
461
00:27:03,366 --> 00:27:05,364
BETTER NOT SCREW UP.
USE TAKE TWO.
462
00:27:05,433 --> 00:27:08,065
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, TOM.
I'LL BE FINE.
463
00:27:08,134 --> 00:27:10,332
WE'RE ON IN THREE,
TWO--
464
00:27:10,401 --> 00:27:12,999
AND NOW IT'S TIME
FOR "YOU KNOW WHAT
REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS?"
465
00:27:13,067 --> 00:27:15,464
- WITH PETER GRIFFIN.
- THANKS, DIANE.
466
00:27:15,533 --> 00:27:18,266
- YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY
GRINDS MY GEARS?
- HEY! HEY!
467
00:27:18,334 --> 00:27:20,731
THOSE X-RAY SPECS
YOU USED TO BUY
OUT OF THE COMICS.
468
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:23,765
- HEY! SCREW UP!
- I SAVE UP FOREVER
TO BUY THESE THINGS,
469
00:27:23,834 --> 00:27:27,233
AND WHEN I FINALLY GET 'EM
YESTERDAY, I COULDN'T SEE
THE INSIDE OF MY SON'S BELLY.
470
00:27:27,301 --> 00:27:32,299
BLAH! BAH! BLAH!
[ Blathering ]
471
00:27:32,367 --> 00:27:34,498
SEE, I WANTED TO SEE
IF HE'D EATEN THE LAST
NILLA WAFER...
472
00:27:34,567 --> 00:27:36,565
'CAUSE I TOLD HIM
I WANTED IT.
473
00:27:36,633 --> 00:27:39,398
BOY, I TELL YA, THAT REALLY
GRINDS MY GEARS.
PAY ATTENTION TO ME!
474
00:27:39,467 --> 00:27:41,598
I'M TRYING TO RUIN YOU!
475
00:27:41,667 --> 00:27:43,832
[ Door Opens ]
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, SIR?
476
00:27:43,901 --> 00:27:47,732
YOU'RE FIRED, TOM.
TURN IN YOUR PRESS PASS
AND ANY OTHER STUDIO PROPERTY.
477
00:27:53,967 --> 00:27:56,099
WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
478
00:27:56,167 --> 00:27:58,898
SO, YOU LIKE BEING DRUNK?
FINE. I'M GONNA GET YOU
SO DRUNK...
479
00:27:58,967 --> 00:28:00,966
YOU'LL NEVER WANNA
DRINK AGAIN.
480
00:28:01,034 --> 00:28:03,866
COME ON.
481
00:28:14,500 --> 00:28:17,199
COLD. IT'S SO COLD.
482
00:28:18,567 --> 00:28:20,765
THANKS, HORACE.
HEY, IS HE 18?
483
00:28:20,833 --> 00:28:23,765
HORACE, THE DRINKING AGE
IS 21.
OH.
484
00:28:23,834 --> 00:28:26,665
O-OKAY. UH, UH...
485
00:28:26,733 --> 00:28:28,765
TO THE BLACK MAN.
486
00:28:28,834 --> 00:28:31,531
THANKS FOR TAKING
IT ALL IN STRIDE.
487
00:28:36,466 --> 00:28:40,765
♪ 'CAUSE SUICIDE
IS PAINLESS ♪
488
00:28:40,834 --> 00:28:45,132
♪ IT BRINGS ON
MANY CHANGES ♪
489
00:28:45,201 --> 00:28:48,331
♪ AND I CAN TAKE
OR LEAVE IT ♪
490
00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:52,132
♪ IF I PLEASE ♪♪
491
00:28:53,134 --> 00:28:55,099
WAS THAT--
WAS THAT GOOD?
492
00:28:55,168 --> 00:28:57,531
OH, GOD.
THANK YOU, MAN.
493
00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:59,599
G-GET THE FRUIT.
THERE'S MORE POINTS.
494
00:28:59,667 --> 00:29:02,032
GET-- GET THE--
GET THE FRUIT.
I'M NOT GONNA GET THE FRUIT.
495
00:29:02,101 --> 00:29:04,099
GET THE FRUIT.
I CAN'T GET THE FRUIT.
496
00:29:04,168 --> 00:29:06,832
I'M NOT GONNA GET
THE FRUIT! THERE'S
A GHOST RIGHT THERE!
497
00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:11,132
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU SAVED ALL THOSE.
498
00:29:11,201 --> 00:29:14,832
L-LOIS-- L-LOIS--
YOU THINK LOIS'LL
LIKE THESE?
499
00:29:14,900 --> 00:29:17,565
YOU LOVE LOIS!
SHUT UP!
500
00:29:17,634 --> 00:29:19,965
YOU KNOW WHAT?
GIVE ME YOUR KEYS.
501
00:29:20,034 --> 00:29:22,765
OH, NO. I'M FINE.
NO, NO.
GIVE ME YOUR KEYS.
502
00:29:22,834 --> 00:29:24,832
I'M FI--
I'M DRIVIN'.
503
00:29:24,900 --> 00:29:26,898
GIVE ME YOUR KEYS.
YOU'RE TOO DRUNK.
I'M OKAY.
504
00:29:26,967 --> 00:29:30,732
PETER-- MEG-- BRIAN.
YOU'RE TOO-- BRIAN,
YOU'RE TOO DRUNK TO DRIVE.
505
00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:33,965
I-I-I A-AM-- I--
506
00:29:34,034 --> 00:29:36,332
YOU'RE RIGHT. HERE.
HERE YOU GO.
507
00:29:39,667 --> 00:29:42,298
[ Engine Starts ]
[ Screaming ]
508
00:29:43,701 --> 00:29:45,832
SHH!
509
00:29:45,901 --> 00:29:50,599
AND THAT'S IT FOR SPORTS.
NOW LET'S GO TO OLLIE WILLIAMS
WITH ADOPT-A-PET OF THE WEEK.
510
00:29:50,667 --> 00:29:52,665
- WHO WANTS THIS DOG?
- THANKS, OLLIE.
511
00:29:52,734 --> 00:29:56,298
AND NOW LET'S GO TO PETER
GRIFFIN WITH "YOU KNOW
WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY--"
512
00:29:56,367 --> 00:29:58,899
TOM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU DON'T WORK HERE ANYMORE.
513
00:29:58,967 --> 00:30:01,298
WELL, DIANE, I HAVE
AN EXCLUSIVE STORY--
514
00:30:01,366 --> 00:30:03,598
AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT
HOW TO CHECK MY E-MAIL
FROM HOME.
515
00:30:03,667 --> 00:30:05,965
DID YOU CHECK YOUR TCP/IPSETTINGS?
YES, I DID, OLLIE.
516
00:30:06,034 --> 00:30:08,032
ENABLE COOKIES?
YES, OLLIE.
517
00:30:08,101 --> 00:30:10,165
YOU WANT THIS DOG?
NO, THANK YOU, OLLIE.
ROLL TAPE.
518
00:30:10,233 --> 00:30:12,732
[ Tom ]THIS WAS THE SCENEAT THE DRUNKEN CLAM LAST NIGHT,
519
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:14,798
AS A CAR DRIVEN BYAN INTOXICATED INFANT...
520
00:30:14,867 --> 00:30:16,865
CAUSED THOUSANDS OFDOLLARS-WORTH OF DAMAGE.
521
00:30:16,934 --> 00:30:19,098
PUT TH--
PUT THIS ON MY TAB.
522
00:30:19,167 --> 00:30:21,599
IT WAS--
IT WAS, LIKE,
ALL SLOWED DOWN.
523
00:30:21,667 --> 00:30:25,065
YOU KNOW? AND I WAS,
LIKE, "WHOA!" BUT
I COULDN'T STOP IT.
524
00:30:25,134 --> 00:30:27,132
AND WHO IS THE FATHER
OF THE CHILD IN THAT CAR?
525
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:29,132
OOH! TOM! TOM! I KNOW THIS. I KNOW THIS.
526
00:30:29,201 --> 00:30:31,432
TOM, OVER HERE. TOM!
OOH! OOH!
527
00:30:31,500 --> 00:30:35,732
THE MAN YOU ALL RESPECT SO MUCH.
YOUR BELOVED PETER GRIFFIN.
528
00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:38,199
GOOD THING HE DIDN'T CALL
ON ME. I WAS GONNA SAY
"GRANT GOODEVE."
529
00:30:38,267 --> 00:30:42,531
THANKS, TOM. AND NOW,
NEGLECTFUL FATHER AND QUAHOG'S
NEWEST SOCIAL PARIAH,
530
00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:44,865
PETER GRIFFIN, WITH ANOTHER
SEGMENT OF "GRIND MY GEARS."
531
00:30:44,934 --> 00:30:46,999
- PETER.
- THANK YOU, DIANE.
532
00:30:47,067 --> 00:30:50,965
YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY
GRINDS MY GEARS?
PEOPLE IN THE 19th CENTURY.
533
00:30:51,034 --> 00:30:53,498
WHY DON'T THEY GET
WITH THE FREAKIN' PROGRAM?
534
00:30:53,567 --> 00:30:57,531
IT'S CALLED AN AUTOMOBILE,
FOLKS. IT'S MUCH FASTER
THAN A HORSE.
535
00:30:58,734 --> 00:31:01,465
OH. WELL, IT APPEARS
I'VE BEEN FIRED.
536
00:31:01,533 --> 00:31:04,731
WELL, AS LONG AS I'M
NO LONGER WORKING HERE,
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.
537
00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:08,298
YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY
GRINDS MY GEARS?
YOU, AMERICA.
538
00:31:08,367 --> 00:31:10,799
FUCK YOU! DIANE.
539
00:31:12,034 --> 00:31:15,065
HEY, TOM. CATCH!
540
00:31:22,700 --> 00:31:24,698
DID YOU MISS DADDY?
DID YOU MISS DADDY?
541
00:31:24,767 --> 00:31:27,732
OH, NO. IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S-- OH, YOU'RE SHAKING.
542
00:31:33,834 --> 00:31:36,565
GO AWAY.
HUH.
LITTLE HUNG OVER?
543
00:31:36,634 --> 00:31:39,232
I AM NEVER GOING
TO DRINK AGAIN-- EVER.
544
00:31:39,301 --> 00:31:41,865
I MAY HAVE AN OCCASIONAL
CRÈME DE MENTHE,
BUT THAT'S ABOUT IT.
545
00:31:41,934 --> 00:31:44,364
LOOK, KID, YOU CAN'T
STAY IN BED ALL--
OH, GOD! YOU'RE NUDE!
546
00:31:44,433 --> 00:31:46,431
I AM? WHAT HAPPENED
TO MY CLOTHES?
547
00:31:46,500 --> 00:31:49,898
GOOD LORD! WHAT THE HELL
DID I DO LAST NIGHT?
548
00:31:49,967 --> 00:31:53,065
I HOPE YOU LEARNED
SOMETHING FROM ALL THIS.
I CERTAINLY DID, BRIAN.
549
00:31:53,134 --> 00:31:55,132
IT SEEMS I'M STILL
FINDING MYSELF.
550
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:58,332
WELL, THAT'S JUST LIFE, STEWIE.
YOU GOTTA HELP YOURSELF.
NO ONE'S GONNA DO IT FOR YA.
551
00:31:58,401 --> 00:32:00,465
YES, I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT.
552
00:32:00,533 --> 00:32:03,198
IT'S JUST TOO BAD
THERE'S NOT SOMEONE
OUT THERE JUST LIKE ME...
553
00:32:03,267 --> 00:32:05,632
WHO UNDERSTANDS ME WELL ENOUGH
TO SHOW ME THE WAY.
554
00:32:05,700 --> 00:32:08,731
[ Scoffing ] YEAH. STEWIE,
I'M SURE THERE'S SOMEONE
OUT THERE JUST LIKE YOU.
555
00:32:12,734 --> 00:32:15,398
YES, I'VE RESERVED
A NON-SMOKING ROOM
WITH A VIEW OF THE BAY.
556
00:32:15,467 --> 00:32:18,731
NO SOAP IN THE BATHROOM,
JUST MOIST TOWELETTES
AND A SLEEP MASK.
557
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:22,965
AND, UM, COULD YOU SEND UP
A BOUQUET OF ORCHIDS
AND A BOX OF TOFFIFAY?
558
00:32:23,034 --> 00:32:25,098
BUT, FOR THE MOMENT,
I'VE JUST GOT TO ACCEPT
THE FACT...
559
00:32:25,167 --> 00:32:27,665
THAT I'M AN ANGRY BOY
WHO'LL OCCASIONALLY
TRY TO BURN DOWN A HOUSE...
560
00:32:27,734 --> 00:32:29,932
OR TOSS A POISON DART
AT HIS MOTHER.
561
00:32:30,001 --> 00:32:33,265
AFTER ALL, I CAN'T LET
ONE NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE
CHANGE MY WHOLE LIFE, CAN I?
562
00:32:33,334 --> 00:32:35,432
I'M GLAD YOU FINALLY
FIGURED THAT OUT.
563
00:32:35,500 --> 00:32:37,765
ALTHOUGH, I WILL SAY,
FOR THE RECORD,
YOU'RE A PRETTY FUN DRUNK.
564
00:32:37,834 --> 00:32:40,765
WELL, THANK GOD
THERE WERE NO LONG-TERM
REPERCUSSIONS.
565
00:32:43,901 --> 00:32:46,898
OH! GOT TO PLAY
THIS ONE RIGHT, ROGER.
CAN'T SEEM DESPERATE.
566
00:32:46,967 --> 00:32:49,132
WAIT THREE DAYS--
THAT'S THE RULE.
567
00:32:50,734 --> 00:32:52,998
OH, GOD! I WANNA
TALK TO HIM NOW!
568
00:32:54,601 --> 00:32:56,631
[ Line Ringing ]
DAMN!
569
00:33:02,201 --> 00:33:04,999
WOW! THIS MUST BE
ONE OF THEM NEW
PLASMA TV's.
570
00:33:05,068 --> 00:33:07,432
WOULD YOU LIKE
SOMETHING TO DRINK?
I'LL HAVE WATER, PLEASE.
571
00:33:07,501 --> 00:33:09,499
I'LL HAVE WATER TOO,
BUT WITH LEMON.
572
00:33:09,567 --> 00:33:12,433
I'LL HAVE A SAM ADAMS.
IT'S 9:30 IN THE MORNING.
573
00:33:12,500 --> 00:33:14,765
AND DON'T YOU HAVE
AN OUTSTANDING D.U.I.?
574
00:33:14,834 --> 00:33:18,032
YEAH, BUT I'VE GOTTA
GET THE TASTE OF WEED
AND HOOKER SPIT OUT OF MY MOUTH.
575
00:33:18,101 --> 00:33:20,166
I'LL HAVE A SAM ADAMS
TOO.
576
00:33:20,234 --> 00:33:23,298
SAMUEL ADAMS--
ALWAYS A GOOD DECISION.
577
00:33:23,367 --> 00:33:26,233
OKAY, NOW, IF I GET A FAX,
CAN I STAY ONLINE AND STILL
RECEIVED THE FAX...
578
00:33:26,300 --> 00:33:28,298
WITHOUT
A DEDICATED LINE?
579
00:33:28,367 --> 00:33:32,431
YEAH, YOU CAN PUT A PIECE
OF PAPER IN HERE AND MAKE,
LIKE, A PHONE CALL...
580
00:33:32,500 --> 00:33:36,632
AND YOUR FRIEND WILL GET
ANOTHER PIECE OF PAPER
WITH THE SAME PICTURE.
581
00:33:36,700 --> 00:33:40,231
CAN I POSSIBLY SPEAK TO SOMEONE
WHO DIDN'T COME TO THIS COUNTRY
ON A FLOATING DOOR?
582
00:33:40,300 --> 00:33:43,399
CAN I HELP YOU?
YES. WE'RE HERE
TO REPLACE OUR VCR.
583
00:33:43,468 --> 00:33:46,299
YEAH, DON'T TRY ANY
OF YOUR SALESMAN FUNNY BUSINESS,
584
00:33:46,367 --> 00:33:48,966
LIKE THAT GUY WHO CONVINCED ME
TO BUY THAT PET TYRANNOSAURUS.
585
00:33:49,034 --> 00:33:51,165
OKAY, PATCHES,
NOW FETCH!
586
00:33:51,234 --> 00:33:53,232
[ Growling ][ Screaming ]
587
00:33:53,301 --> 00:33:56,799
OH! OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD! DROP IT.
DROP IT. DROP IT.
588
00:33:56,867 --> 00:33:59,333
EW. IT'S GOT SPIT
ALL OVER IT.
589
00:33:59,401 --> 00:34:01,999
A VCR? LET ME SHOW YOU
SOMETHING.
590
00:34:02,133 --> 00:34:04,131
IT'S CALLED TiVo.
IT ALWAYS RECORDS WHAT
YOUR WATCHING,
591
00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:06,199
SO, YOU CAN RE-WATCH
ANYTHING YOU MISSED.
592
00:34:06,267 --> 00:34:08,698
OH! SOUNDS FANCY.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
593
00:34:08,767 --> 00:34:11,232
I'LL TELL YA HOW IT WORKS.
EASY AS PIE, IS HOW IT WORKS.
594
00:34:11,300 --> 00:34:13,298
[ Beeping ]
595
00:34:13,367 --> 00:34:15,665
I'LL TELL YA HOW IT WORKS.
EASY AS PIE, IS HOW IT WORKS.
596
00:34:15,733 --> 00:34:17,731
SHOULD I RING IT UP?
HOLD ON. HOLD ON.
597
00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:19,798
I THINK WE SHOULD
DISCUSS IT FIRST.
598
00:34:19,867 --> 00:34:22,098
- [ Beeping ]
- [ No Audio ]
599
00:34:22,167 --> 00:34:24,465
- [ Beeping Continues ]
- SOME KIND OF PALSY.
600
00:34:24,534 --> 00:34:26,531
ANYWAY, THAT'S HOW
I SAVED CHRISTMAS.
601
00:34:26,601 --> 00:34:28,665
YEAH, GO AHEAD
AND BAG THIS THING FOR US.
602
00:34:33,001 --> 00:34:36,032
AH! SWEET, QUAGMIRE.
YOU GOT A WINNEBAGO.
603
00:34:36,100 --> 00:34:38,365
YOU MEAN A
"WANNA-BANG-O"!
604
00:34:38,433 --> 00:34:40,432
[ Chuckles ]
HOW CLEVER.
605
00:34:40,501 --> 00:34:42,498
YEAH, I'M GONNA TAKE HER
ACROSS THE COUNTRY...
606
00:34:42,567 --> 00:34:44,565
AND BANG A DIFFERENT BROAD
IN EVERY STATE. [ Laughs ]
607
00:34:44,634 --> 00:34:46,898
- ALSO, GONNA GO TO VEGAS.
- OH, WE WENT TO VEGAS ONCE.
608
00:34:46,967 --> 00:34:48,966
REMEMBER, LOIS? WE SAW
THE JEW MAN GROUP?
609
00:34:49,034 --> 00:34:53,132
♪♪ [ "Hava Nagila" ]
610
00:34:53,201 --> 00:34:55,231
[ Beeping ]
DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
611
00:34:55,300 --> 00:34:58,032
I'M FAST-FORWARDING
THROUGH THIS PESKY TV SHOW
SO I CAN GET TO THE COMMERCIALS.
612
00:34:58,100 --> 00:35:00,865
HI, I'M WILFORD BRIMLEY
AND I HAVE DIABETES.
613
00:35:00,934 --> 00:35:04,465
IT HURTS ME TO PEE
AND IT CAUSES ME
TO BE SHORT WITH MY FAMILY.
614
00:35:04,534 --> 00:35:06,599
I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT.
615
00:35:06,667 --> 00:35:09,364
THE OTHER DAY, I STUBBED MY TOE
AND TOOK IT OUT ON THE DOG.
616
00:35:09,433 --> 00:35:13,298
TWO WEEKS AGO, I RAN OUT
OF VANILLA ICE CREAM
AND STRUCK MY WIFE.
617
00:35:13,366 --> 00:35:16,164
THEN I FIND OUT
MY WIFE'S BEEN DEAD
FOR SIX YEARS.
618
00:35:16,233 --> 00:35:18,298
WHO THE HELL DID I HIT?
619
00:35:21,100 --> 00:35:24,365
LUNCH IS READY!
COME AND GET IT!
620
00:35:24,434 --> 00:35:26,632
HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS,
BOOGERS ON A BISCUIT?
621
00:35:26,700 --> 00:35:30,265
[ Laughs ]
THAT'S PROB-- THAT'S
PROBABLY WHAT IT IS.
622
00:35:30,334 --> 00:35:32,532
WE NOW GO LIVE TO
THE STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO...
623
00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:34,965
WITH ASIAN REPORTER
TRICIA TAKANAWA.
624
00:35:35,034 --> 00:35:37,965
DIANE, IS SHE CHINESE
OR JAPANESE?
SHE'S JAPANESE, TOM.
625
00:35:38,034 --> 00:35:40,198
WOW.
I KNOW A JAPANESE WOMAN.
626
00:35:40,267 --> 00:35:42,999
TOM, I'M STANDING HERE
AMIDST THE HEATED DEBATE...
627
00:35:43,068 --> 00:35:45,732
OVER A RECENT PETITION
TO CHANGE THE NAME
OF THE CITY...
628
00:35:45,801 --> 00:35:49,832
FROM SAN FRANCISCO
TO SOMETHING
A LITTLE LESS GAY.
629
00:35:49,901 --> 00:35:53,598
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO
RENAME SAN FRANCISCO?
630
00:35:53,667 --> 00:35:57,398
WELL, GIVEN THE WONDERFUL
SHOE SHOPPING, I WOULD
CAST MY VOTE FOR "HEAVEN."
631
00:35:57,467 --> 00:35:59,399
WHO THE HELL WAS THAT?
WHAT?
632
00:35:59,467 --> 00:36:01,765
I SAY, PRESS THE BUTTON.
MAKE IT STOP. OH, MY GOD.
633
00:36:01,834 --> 00:36:04,632
- HE LOOKS JUST LIKE ME.
- YOU KNOW WHAT? HE DOES.
634
00:36:04,700 --> 00:36:08,331
- ALMOST LOOKS LIKE
HE COULD BE YOUR FATHER.
- HE COULD BE MY FATHER.
635
00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:10,532
MY REAL FATHER.
I KNEW IT!
636
00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:13,231
LOIS MUST HAVE MATED
WITH THIS POOR FELLOW.
637
00:36:13,300 --> 00:36:15,231
I'VE GOT TO GET OUT
TO CALIFORNIA.
638
00:36:15,300 --> 00:36:17,665
I DARE SAY, I'D FIT RIGHT IN
WITH THE KIDS FROM 90210--
639
00:36:17,733 --> 00:36:19,898
EVEN THE OLDER-LOOKING
ONE.
640
00:36:21,301 --> 00:36:23,531
BOY, THAT TEST
SURE IS GONNA BE HARD
TOMORROW.
641
00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:26,398
YOU SAID IT, DONNA.
HEY, ANDREA, CAN YOU
HELP ME STUDY?
642
00:36:26,467 --> 00:36:29,099
WHAT?
I SAID, "CAN YOU
HELP ME STUDY?"
643
00:36:29,167 --> 00:36:31,532
DYLAN, I FIXED
YOUR SOCKS.
644
00:36:31,601 --> 00:36:33,932
HEY, ANDREA,
ARE WE STILL GOIN'
TO THE CONCERT?
645
00:36:34,001 --> 00:36:39,032
THIS USED TO BE
ALL ORANGE GROVES,
FAR AS THE EYE COULD SEE.
646
00:36:39,100 --> 00:36:41,099
OKAY. SO, I'LL
PICK YOU UP AT 7:00.
647
00:36:41,167 --> 00:36:45,932
BARBARA STANWYCK
AND I USED TO TAKE
THE TROLLEY.
648
00:36:46,001 --> 00:36:49,132
HEY, LOIS! THOUGHTYOU MIGHT BE IN THE MOODFOR A CLASSIC.
649
00:36:49,201 --> 00:36:53,598
♪ NA-NA, NA-NA, NA-NA, NA-NA
NA-NA, NA-NA, NA-NA, NA-NA
SPIDER-MAN ♪
650
00:36:53,667 --> 00:36:55,865
♪ SPIDER-MAN ♪
651
00:36:55,934 --> 00:36:58,332
♪ HERE COMES PETER
ON THE CLOTHESLINE
BUT HIS NAME'S NOT PETER ♪
652
00:36:58,400 --> 00:37:00,798
♪ IT IS SPIDER-MAN
SPIDER-MAN ♪
653
00:37:00,867 --> 00:37:03,499
♪ COME ON, LOIS
LET'S GET BUSY, MAYBE
IN THE GARDEN RIGHT HERE ♪
654
00:37:03,567 --> 00:37:06,432
♪ SPIDER-MAN
SPIDER-MAN ♪
655
00:37:06,501 --> 00:37:09,199
♪ TOUCH MY CAN
WITH YOUR HAND
SPIDER-MAN ♪
656
00:37:09,267 --> 00:37:12,232
[ Laughs ]
OH! HELP! SPIDER-MAN.
657
00:37:12,301 --> 00:37:14,565
I'M BEING ATTACKED
BY THE EVIL ROSEBUSH.
658
00:37:14,633 --> 00:37:16,632
AH! I'LL SAVE YOU,
MARY JANE!
659
00:37:16,701 --> 00:37:20,299
[ Both Giggling, Moaning ]
660
00:37:20,367 --> 00:37:22,799
OH, MY GOD!
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE FIGHTING ABOUT,
661
00:37:22,868 --> 00:37:25,032
BUT I THINK DAD'S WINNING.
662
00:37:25,101 --> 00:37:27,899
GO, DAD!
KIDS, CAN WE HAVE
SOME PRIVACY, PLEASE?
663
00:37:27,968 --> 00:37:31,331
YEAH, YOU GUYS ARE MORE
ANNOYING THAN THAT ANNOUNCER
ON THOSE TV COMMERCIALS.
664
00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:33,565
[ Announcer ] WACKY, WAVING,INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILINGTUBE MAN!
665
00:37:33,634 --> 00:37:35,932
WACKY, WAVING,INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILINGTUBE MAN!
666
00:37:36,001 --> 00:37:37,998
WACKY, WAVING,INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILINGTUBE MAN!
667
00:37:38,067 --> 00:37:40,898
HI, I'M AL HARRINGTON,
PRESIDENT AND C.E.O.
OF AL HARRINGTON'S...
668
00:37:40,968 --> 00:37:44,532
WACKY, WAVING,
INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILING TUBE MAN
EMPORIUM AND WAREHOUSE.
669
00:37:44,601 --> 00:37:47,165
THANKS TO A SHIPPING ERROR,
I AM NOW CURRENTLY
OVERSTOCKED...
670
00:37:47,234 --> 00:37:49,699
ON WACKY, WAVING
INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILING
TUBE MEN...
671
00:37:49,768 --> 00:37:52,365
AND I AM PASSING
THE SAVINGS ON TO YOU!
672
00:37:52,434 --> 00:37:55,598
ATTRACT CUSTOMERSTO YOUR BUSINESS, MAKE A SPLASHAT YOUR NEXT PRESENTATION,
673
00:37:55,667 --> 00:37:58,765
KEEP GRANDMA COMPANY,PROTECT YOUR CROPS,CONFUSE YOUR NEIGHBORS.
674
00:37:58,834 --> 00:38:03,232
AFRICAN-AMERICAN?HAIL A CAB, TESTIFY IN CHURCHOR JUST RAISE THE ROOF.
675
00:38:03,301 --> 00:38:06,599
WHATEVER YOUR WACKY, WAVING
INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILING
TUBE MAN NEEDS ARE.
676
00:38:06,667 --> 00:38:08,699
SO, COME ON DOWN
TO AL HARRINGTON'S...
677
00:38:08,767 --> 00:38:11,232
WACKY, WAVING
INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILING TUBE MAN
EMPORIUM AND WAREHOUSE.
678
00:38:11,301 --> 00:38:13,765
ROUTE 2 IN WEEKAPAUG!
679
00:38:16,567 --> 00:38:19,532
PLEASE FORGIVE ME,
MR. OINKBAUM.
YOU WILL BE MISSED.
680
00:38:19,601 --> 00:38:21,598
THERE WE ARE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
681
00:38:21,667 --> 00:38:23,631
NONE OF YOUR BEES WAX,
RAMONA.
682
00:38:23,700 --> 00:38:26,831
BUT IF YOU MUST KNOW,
I NEED A PLANE TICKET
TO SAN FRANCISCO.
683
00:38:26,900 --> 00:38:29,266
[ Scoffs ]
GOOD LUCK. PLANE TICKETS
ARE ABOUT 450 BUCKS.
684
00:38:29,335 --> 00:38:31,865
400-- BRIAN,
HIT ME IN THE MOUTH.
685
00:38:31,934 --> 00:38:34,599
WHAT? WHY?
I HEAR THIS TOOTH FAIRY
GIVES YOU MONEY FOR YOUR TEETH.
686
00:38:34,667 --> 00:38:36,698
HAVE AT IT.
UH, OKAY.
687
00:38:36,768 --> 00:38:38,765
NO, NO! DON'T,
DON'T, DON'T!
STOP. STOP.
688
00:38:38,834 --> 00:38:40,832
WHY DID YOU STOP?
I SAID, "HIT ME."
YOU FLINCHED.
689
00:38:40,900 --> 00:38:42,932
WELL, OF COURSE
I FLINCHED. YOU WERE
GOING TO HIT ME.
690
00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:45,265
WELL, MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
HIT ME. [ Screams ]
691
00:38:45,334 --> 00:38:47,332
NO, NO. D-DON'T.
[ Sighs ]
692
00:38:47,401 --> 00:38:49,665
I'M SORRY. LOOK,
I KNOW I'M BEING
HARD TO READ--
693
00:38:57,500 --> 00:39:00,333
HEY! YOU THERE!
BUY THIS YELLOW DRINK.
694
00:39:00,401 --> 00:39:04,032
HEY, PREGGO. PREGGO.
HEY, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU,
TUBBY.
695
00:39:04,100 --> 00:39:06,565
OH, DON'T YOU IGNORE ME.
OOH!
696
00:39:06,634 --> 00:39:09,631
PARDON ME, SIR.
SIR? SIR? OH,
THE HELL WITH THIS.
697
00:39:10,934 --> 00:39:13,198
[ Groaning ]
698
00:39:13,267 --> 00:39:16,132
SO, WE HAD TO DO IT
THE HARD WAY, HMM?
699
00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:19,699
SIX BUCKS?
NICE-LOOKING WIFE
YOU'VE GOT.
700
00:39:19,767 --> 00:39:22,165
MAYBE I'LL LOOK HER UP
WHILE YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL.
701
00:39:22,234 --> 00:39:24,799
DON'T FORGET
YOUR LEMONADE.
702
00:39:28,134 --> 00:39:30,265
OH, THERE YOU ARE.
I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD--
703
00:39:30,334 --> 00:39:32,432
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PAYING BILLS.
704
00:39:32,501 --> 00:39:34,966
WHAT BILLS?
YOU HAVE BILLS?
WELL, THERE'S CABLE AND--
705
00:39:35,034 --> 00:39:38,632
PETER PAYS FOR THE CABLE!
IT'S AT THIS, UH--
IT'S AT THIS GIRL'S HOUSE.
706
00:39:38,701 --> 00:39:41,431
- DO YOU WANT SOMETHING?
- YES. I'M STILL SHORT
FOR MY TRIP.
707
00:39:41,500 --> 00:39:45,165
I'VE ONLY GOT $200.
I SUGGEST YOU PONY UP
THE DIFFERENCE IMMEDIATELY...
708
00:39:45,234 --> 00:39:48,299
OR I'LL E-MAIL THE CONTENTS
OF YOUR HARD DRIVE
TO THE F.B.I.
709
00:39:48,368 --> 00:39:50,431
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THERE'S NOTHING ON THERE.
710
00:39:54,368 --> 00:39:57,365
STEWIE, WHY IS IT
SO HARD TO ACCEPT
THAT PETER'S YOUR REAL FATHER?
711
00:39:57,434 --> 00:39:59,465
BECAUSE HE'S AN IDIOT.
712
00:39:59,534 --> 00:40:01,532
YOU REMEMBER THAT TIME
HE WENT TO THE TODAY
SHOW.
713
00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:04,532
COMING UP ON TODAY.
TOM CRUISE HAS A NEW MOVIE.
WE'RE GONNA BE TALKING TO HIM.
714
00:40:04,600 --> 00:40:06,532
KATIE.
715
00:40:06,600 --> 00:40:09,532
FUNNYMAN AL FRANKEN WILL BE
STOPPING BY FOR A VISIT.
KATIE!
716
00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:12,532
AND WOLFGANG PUCK SHARES
HIS RECIPE FOR APPLE STRUDEL.
KATIE!
717
00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:16,599
SO STAY TUNED BECAUSE
WE'VE GOT ALL THIS AND MORE
COMING UP IN THE NEXT HOUR.
718
00:40:16,667 --> 00:40:18,599
KATIE!
719
00:40:18,667 --> 00:40:20,665
WHAT?
OH, WELL, NEVER MIND.
720
00:40:23,234 --> 00:40:25,998
CARE TO JOIN ME, LOIS?
AH!
721
00:40:26,067 --> 00:40:29,831
[ Giggles ]
UH, PETER, HOW AM I
SUPPOSED TO--
722
00:40:29,900 --> 00:40:34,432
- OH, OH, OH. SORRY. SORRY.
WHERE ARE MY MANNERS?
- OH, WHAT A GENTLEMAN.
723
00:40:36,434 --> 00:40:38,698
- THERE YA GO.
- [ Groans ]
724
00:40:38,767 --> 00:40:42,199
OH! OH, GOD.
YOU OKAY, HONEY?
YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT.
725
00:40:42,268 --> 00:40:44,498
OH, THIS IS NICE.
726
00:40:44,567 --> 00:40:49,432
MOM, MEG SAYS OMAR SHARIF
IS DEAD, BUT I THINK SHE'S
THINKIN' OF ANTHONY QUINN.
727
00:40:49,501 --> 00:40:51,832
CHRIS, YOUR FATHER AND I
ARE IN THE TUB.
728
00:40:51,900 --> 00:40:54,531
AND, MEG, YOU ARE
THINKING OF ANTHONY QUINN.
NOW, GET OUT!
729
00:40:54,600 --> 00:40:57,832
PETER, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
WE HAVE NO PRIVACY HERE.
730
00:40:57,901 --> 00:41:00,298
WE GOTTA GET THOSE KIDS
OUTTA THE HOUSE ONCE IN A WHILE.
731
00:41:00,366 --> 00:41:03,364
- SHOULDN'T THEY BE DATING?
- AW, THAT DOESN'T SOLVE
THE PROBLEM, LOIS.
732
00:41:03,433 --> 00:41:06,599
IF THEY START DATIN',
I MEAN, THEIR ROOMS ARE
RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER.
733
00:41:06,667 --> 00:41:09,198
THEY'LL START HAVIN' SEX.
WE'LL NEVER GET 'EM
OUTTA THE HOUSE.
734
00:41:09,267 --> 00:41:12,866
NO, NO, YOU IDIOT.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THEM
DATING OTHER PEOPLE.
735
00:41:12,934 --> 00:41:15,299
LOOK, I'M GONNA START
SPENDING SOME TIME
WITH CHRIS...
736
00:41:15,367 --> 00:41:17,665
AND I'LL SHOW HIM
HOW TO ATTRACT A WOMAN.
737
00:41:17,734 --> 00:41:19,898
YEAH, AND I'LL SPEND
SOME TIME WITH MEG.
738
00:41:19,967 --> 00:41:22,099
I'VE SPENT LOTS
OF TIME WITH HER,
739
00:41:22,167 --> 00:41:24,465
LIKE WHEN WE WENT ON
OUR LAST CRUSADE
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL.
740
00:41:24,534 --> 00:41:27,832
CHOOSE WISELY.
UH, I CHOOSE THIS ONE.
741
00:41:27,900 --> 00:41:30,032
HOW DID YOU KNOW?
WELL, I KINDA FIGURED...
742
00:41:30,101 --> 00:41:32,099
THE COFFEE MUG
THAT SAYS "JESUS."
743
00:41:32,168 --> 00:41:34,732
OH, RIGHT. RIGHT.
PRETTY OBVIOUS.
744
00:41:34,801 --> 00:41:36,799
GREAT. LET'S KISS ON IT.
745
00:41:36,868 --> 00:41:39,265
COME HERE, YOU.
[ Chuckles ]
746
00:41:39,333 --> 00:41:41,932
[ Grunting ]
747
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:45,299
[ Screams ]
OH! YOU BLEEDIN'?
YEAH, YOU'RE BLEEDIN'.
748
00:41:47,400 --> 00:41:49,399
DON'T TELL ME
YOU'RE GOIN' TO
CALIFORNIA ON THAT.
749
00:41:49,467 --> 00:41:51,898
BICYCLING IS HARD,
BUT IT HAS ITS BENEFITS.
750
00:41:51,967 --> 00:41:55,532
DID YOU KNOW LANCE ARMSTRONG
IS DATING SHERYL CROW?
751
00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:58,532
YOU KNOW, IT REALLY
SPEAKS TO HER CHARACTER
THAT SHE CAN GET PAST...
752
00:41:58,600 --> 00:42:00,598
THE WHOLE
"HE HAD CANCER" THING...
753
00:42:00,667 --> 00:42:02,866
AND STILL FIND HIM
SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE.
754
00:42:02,934 --> 00:42:05,366
REALLY SPEAKS
TO HER CHARACTER.
I-I RESPECT THAT.
755
00:42:05,434 --> 00:42:07,498
HEY, BRIAN, WHAT DO
YA THINK OF MY SIGN?
756
00:42:07,567 --> 00:42:11,432
"QUAGMIRE'S CROSS-COUNTRY
TOUR." UH, ISN'T THERE
AN "O" IN "COUNTRY"?
757
00:42:11,500 --> 00:42:14,831
NOPE. LOOK OUT, CALIFORNIA.
HERE I COME. [ Chuckles ]
758
00:42:14,900 --> 00:42:16,965
[ Gasps ]
CALIFORNIA!
759
00:42:17,034 --> 00:42:19,099
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, YOU HEARD
CAPTAIN SYPHILIS.
760
00:42:19,168 --> 00:42:22,465
WE'RE GOING TO CALIFORNIA.
OH, COME ON. YOU CAN'T
GO ALONE WITH QUAGMIRE.
761
00:42:22,534 --> 00:42:26,899
LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
IF YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS,
[ Sighs ] I'LL GO WITH YOU.
762
00:42:26,967 --> 00:42:29,032
ALTHOUGH I SHOULD PROBABLY
ASK PETER AND LOIS IF IT'S OKAY.
763
00:42:29,101 --> 00:42:31,865
- OH, THEY WON'T
EVEN KNOW WE'RE GONE.
- [ Beeping ]
764
00:42:31,934 --> 00:42:34,698
[ Mechanically ]
DAMN YOU, VILE WOMAN!
BLAST! WHAT THE DEUCE?
765
00:42:34,767 --> 00:42:37,431
I AM A TOOL. STEWIE
IS MUCH BETTER THAN ME
AT EVERYTHING,
766
00:42:37,500 --> 00:42:39,565
INCLUDING ARTS AND CRAFTS
AND THE GUITAR.
767
00:42:39,634 --> 00:42:41,698
I HAVE NO FRIENDS.
768
00:42:41,767 --> 00:42:45,431
- GLAD YOU GUYS ARE JOININ' ME.
- [ Stewie ] DID YOU GUYS SEE
THREE MEN AND A BABY?
769
00:42:45,500 --> 00:42:48,599
[ Brian ] YEAH.
[ Stewie ] THERE'S A GHOST
IN THERE BEHIND THE WINDOW.
770
00:42:48,667 --> 00:42:50,799
[ Brian ]
THAT'S AN URBAN LEGEND.
IT'S JUST A PIECE OF CARDBOARD.
771
00:42:50,867 --> 00:42:53,899
NO, IT'S A GHOST.
I HEARD.
YOU HEARD FROM WHO?
772
00:42:53,968 --> 00:42:55,999
FROM, UH... LOIS.
YEAH, RIGHT.
773
00:42:56,068 --> 00:42:58,066
CLEVELAND? DEATH?
NO. NO.
774
00:42:58,133 --> 00:43:00,198
GREASED-UP DEAF GUY? HE SAID THAT?
775
00:43:04,734 --> 00:43:06,999
[ Quagmire Moaning,
Blathering ]
776
00:43:07,068 --> 00:43:09,465
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. [ Blathers ] [ Woman Moans ]
777
00:43:09,534 --> 00:43:11,766
[ Both Giggling ]
778
00:43:11,834 --> 00:43:13,932
OW! DAMN IT!
779
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:16,198
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOUR KNIGHT WAS AT
KING'S ROOK SIX.
780
00:43:16,267 --> 00:43:19,364
NO, MY BISHOP WAS AT
KING'S ROOK SIX.
MY KNIGHT WAS AT QUEEN FIVE.
781
00:43:19,433 --> 00:43:21,432
NO, NO, NO.
IT WAS--
YES. YES.
782
00:43:21,500 --> 00:43:23,565
NO. IN YOUR DREAMS
YOUR KNIGHT
WAS AT QUEEN FIVE.
783
00:43:23,634 --> 00:43:25,631
I WAS SITTING RIGHT--
I SAW RIGHT--
784
00:43:25,700 --> 00:43:27,698
YEAH--
OH! LOOK AT THAT!
LOOK AT THAT!
785
00:43:27,767 --> 00:43:29,765
NOW YOUR KNIGHT
IS AT REFRIGERATOR FIVE.
786
00:43:29,834 --> 00:43:32,698
THAT'S REAL MATURE.
YEAH, WELL, WHO
COMES OUT A WINNER? ME.
787
00:43:32,767 --> 00:43:37,166
[ Makes Cheering Noises ]
GRIFFIN ONCE AGAIN.
788
00:43:37,235 --> 00:43:39,798
[ Cheering Noises Continue ]
UNDEFEATED CHAMPION
OF THE WORLD!
789
00:43:39,868 --> 00:43:42,732
[ Cheering Noises ]
790
00:43:44,800 --> 00:43:47,531
YOU KNOW, SAN FRANCISCO
IS A BIG PLACE.
791
00:43:47,600 --> 00:43:49,732
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT
HOW YOU'RE GONNA FIND
THIS GUY?
792
00:43:49,801 --> 00:43:52,432
SIMPLE, BRIAN.
LOOK AT THIS.
793
00:43:53,901 --> 00:43:57,665
MY GOD! THIS POOR FELLOW
HAD RELATIONS WITH LOIS.
794
00:43:57,734 --> 00:44:00,331
THAT'S MORE DISGUSTING
THAN MY COUSIN QUARK GRIFFIN.
795
00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:05,065
I'M WATCHING YOUR EVERY MOVE,
QUARK, SO DON'T THINK YOU CAN
GET AWAY WITH ANY LAW-BREAKING.
796
00:44:05,134 --> 00:44:07,199
YEAH, YEAH.
WHATEVER, MAN.
I MEAN IT!
797
00:44:07,268 --> 00:44:09,531
YOU'LL HAVE ME
TO DEAL WITH.
OOH! I'M REALLY SCARED.
798
00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:12,099
I COULD MORPH INTO
A GIANT PYTHON
AND EAT YOU ALIVE.
799
00:44:12,168 --> 00:44:14,098
HEY, HERE'S AN IDEA--
800
00:44:14,167 --> 00:44:17,099
WHY DON'T YOU MORPH
INTO A GUY WITH SOMETHING
INTERESTING TO TALK ABOUT?
801
00:44:19,167 --> 00:44:23,199
KIDS, YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE
DECIDED WE'RE GONNA HELP YOU TWO
GET OUT IN THE DATING WORLD.
802
00:44:23,268 --> 00:44:24,865
THAT'S RIGHT.
803
00:44:24,934 --> 00:44:27,865
CHRIS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
HOW TO BE AN AFFABLE,
DESIRABLE YOUNG MAN...
804
00:44:27,933 --> 00:44:29,866
WHO DOESN'T SMELL LIKE
THE INSIDE OF A WOOL HAT.
805
00:44:29,934 --> 00:44:32,865
- WHY YOU GOTTA BREAK BALLS?
- MEG, WHEN I
GET THROUGH WITH YOU...
806
00:44:32,934 --> 00:44:35,565
YOU'RE GONNA BE
BEATIN' GUYS OFF
WITH BOTH HANDS.
807
00:44:35,634 --> 00:44:38,564
- THIS IS GONNA BE SO FUN!
- HEY! ZIP IT.
808
00:44:38,633 --> 00:44:43,166
RULE NUMBER ONE:
NO SPEAKEE UNTIL THE MAN
SPEAKEE TO YOU.
809
00:44:47,067 --> 00:44:48,998
I SAY,
ARE WE MOVING ON YET?
810
00:44:49,067 --> 00:44:51,531
JUST HANG OUT, LITTLE GUY.
I'LL SEE YOU IN A WHILE.
811
00:44:51,600 --> 00:44:54,765
OH, VERY WELL.
I SUPPOSE I'LL GO
PUMP THE CHEMICAL TOILET.
812
00:44:54,834 --> 00:44:57,299
APPARENTLY
YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO THE SAME.
813
00:44:59,700 --> 00:45:02,298
WHAT THE HELL
IS TAKING HIM SO LONG?
814
00:45:02,367 --> 00:45:04,631
I'M MISSING PRECIOUS TIME
WITH MY FATHER.
815
00:45:04,700 --> 00:45:07,198
WHICH ONE OF THESE
IS THE HORN?
816
00:45:07,267 --> 00:45:09,066
THAT'S NOT IT.
817
00:45:09,134 --> 00:45:10,965
THAT'S NOT IT
EITHER.
818
00:45:12,267 --> 00:45:15,599
DO SOMETHING.
I'M AFRAID
TO PRESS ANYTHING ELSE.
819
00:45:16,867 --> 00:45:19,632
OKAY, MEG, LESSON ONE
FOR ATTRACTING A MAN.
820
00:45:19,701 --> 00:45:23,099
- I WANT YOU TO SHAVE MY BACK.
- EEW! WHY WOULD I
WANT TO DO THAT?
821
00:45:23,167 --> 00:45:27,798
TRUST ME, MEG.
SHAVE A MAN'S BACK FOR HIM
AND HE'LL PURR LIKE A WALRUS.
822
00:45:27,867 --> 00:45:30,365
[ Purring Like Walrus ]
823
00:45:32,600 --> 00:45:35,532
ALL RIGHT, CHRIS,
NOW THAT WE'VE TALKED ABOUT
KISSING AND CUDDLING,
824
00:45:35,600 --> 00:45:38,365
IT'S TIME TO PRACTICE
EATING OUT...
825
00:45:38,433 --> 00:45:40,498
AT A FANCY RESTAURANT!
826
00:45:45,901 --> 00:45:47,965
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
827
00:45:48,034 --> 00:45:50,965
LISTEN, YOU PERVERT,
WHAT THE DEVIL IS TAKING SO LO--
828
00:45:51,034 --> 00:45:53,398
- GOOD LORD!
- OH, STEWIE. THANK GOD.
829
00:45:53,467 --> 00:45:56,165
THAT CLEANING LADY
CLEANED ME OUT.
SHE TOOK ALL MY MONEY.
830
00:45:56,234 --> 00:45:58,298
GRAB THOSE KEYS
OVER THERE, WILL YA?
831
00:45:58,367 --> 00:46:00,298
WHAT, THESE KEYS?
THESE KEYS HERE?
832
00:46:00,367 --> 00:46:02,298
THESE THE ONES YOU WANT?
HMM?
833
00:46:02,366 --> 00:46:04,232
UP YOURS!
834
00:46:04,301 --> 00:46:07,132
[ Engine Starts ]
835
00:46:08,401 --> 00:46:11,332
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
WHERE'S QUAGMIRE?
836
00:46:11,401 --> 00:46:14,232
HE SAID TO GO WITHOUT HIM.
WE'RE STEALING THE WINNEBAGO,
AREN'T WE?
837
00:46:14,300 --> 00:46:16,299
OH, YOU CAN READ ME
LIKE A BOOK, BRIAN.
838
00:46:16,368 --> 00:46:18,299
BREAKER-BREAKER, SIDEWINDER.
THIS IS PARTY POOPER.
839
00:46:18,367 --> 00:46:20,299
DON'T WANT TO BE
A RATCHET JAW,
840
00:46:20,367 --> 00:46:23,066
BUT LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT
A SEAT COVER FEEDING THE BEARS
IN A CHICKEN COOP, COME ON.
841
00:46:23,134 --> 00:46:24,731
♪♪ [ Country ]
842
00:46:24,801 --> 00:46:28,898
♪ EASTBOUND AND DOWN LOADED UP AND TRUCKIN' ♪
843
00:46:28,967 --> 00:46:31,665
♪ WE GONNA DO WHAT THEY SAY CAN'T BE DONE ♪♪
844
00:46:33,001 --> 00:46:34,932
DAD, WHY ARE WE
JUST SITTING HERE?
845
00:46:35,001 --> 00:46:36,932
JUST GIVE ME
A MINUTE, MEG.
846
00:46:37,001 --> 00:46:40,366
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE
LEARNING ABOUT DATING FROM--
AHH.
847
00:46:40,434 --> 00:46:42,866
OH, MY GOD, DAD!
YOU FARTED!
848
00:46:42,934 --> 00:46:45,866
THAT IS SO NASTY!
[ Groaning ]
NO! NO, NO, MEG!
849
00:46:45,934 --> 00:46:47,866
MEG, THIS IS CRUCIAL.
ALL RIGHT?
850
00:46:47,934 --> 00:46:51,765
THE SEXIEST THING
A WOMAN CAN DO FOR A MAN
IS LEARN TO LOVE HIS GAS.
851
00:46:51,834 --> 00:46:53,765
LOVE THE GAS, MEG.
LOVE IT!
852
00:46:53,834 --> 00:46:55,765
[ Fart ]
[ Groaning Continues ]
853
00:46:55,834 --> 00:46:58,265
NO, MEG! NO, NO!
THIS IS WHY WE'RE HERE.
854
00:46:58,334 --> 00:47:00,765
THIS IS WHY WE'RE HERE.
THIS IS WHY WE'RE HERE.
855
00:47:02,334 --> 00:47:05,332
CHRIS, YOU'VE GOTTA LEARN
HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS.
856
00:47:05,401 --> 00:47:09,765
SO I'LL ASK YOU AGAIN:
WHAT ARE THE NAMES OF THE WOMEN
ON SEX AND THE CITY?
857
00:47:09,834 --> 00:47:12,865
UH... CARRIE,
858
00:47:12,934 --> 00:47:15,198
MIRANDA, UH,
859
00:47:15,267 --> 00:47:17,898
SAMANTHA AND,
860
00:47:17,967 --> 00:47:20,665
UH, SCRAPPY-DOO?
861
00:47:20,734 --> 00:47:22,932
HIT HIM, ENDO.
AAAH! AAAH! AAH!
862
00:47:23,001 --> 00:47:25,832
BOSLEY? UH, TOOTIE?
UH, SHEENA EASTON?
863
00:47:25,901 --> 00:47:27,899
AAAH! AAAH!
864
00:47:29,466 --> 00:47:31,598
THINK WE SHOULD
GO BACK FOR QUAGMIRE?
865
00:47:31,667 --> 00:47:33,832
HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
HE'S RESOURCEFUL.
866
00:47:33,900 --> 00:47:36,499
[ Grunting ]
867
00:47:38,500 --> 00:47:40,898
DAMN IT!
[ Dial Tone ]
868
00:47:42,201 --> 00:47:44,632
[ TV: Woman ] YEAH! OKAY! YEAH!
869
00:47:44,701 --> 00:47:47,632
[ TV: Man Panting ] [ TV: Woman ] THAT'S IT! AGAIN! YEAH!
870
00:47:47,700 --> 00:47:49,498
[ Beep
Dialing ]
871
00:47:49,567 --> 00:47:51,132
ALL RIGHT!
872
00:47:56,967 --> 00:47:58,898
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
NEVER BETTER!
873
00:47:58,967 --> 00:48:01,898
I GOT SOME PEP PILLS
FROM A TRUCKER
AT THE LAST STOP!
874
00:48:01,967 --> 00:48:04,165
KEEPS ME AWAKE!
YOU TOOK PILLS?
875
00:48:04,234 --> 00:48:07,632
WEST COAST TURNAROUNDS!
TRUCKER SAID TO ONLY TAKE ONE,
BUT I TOOK ALL OF THEM!
876
00:48:07,701 --> 00:48:09,731
MAYBE YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN.
WHY?
WE'RE MAKING GOOD TIME!
877
00:48:09,800 --> 00:48:11,732
WE'RE NOT EVEN
ON THE ROAD!
HUH?
878
00:48:11,801 --> 00:48:14,233
- I SAID, WE'RE NOT
EVEN ON THE ROAD!
- DON'T NEED TO BE!
879
00:48:14,300 --> 00:48:16,133
COMPASS SAYS WEST.
THAT'S WHERE WE'RE HEADED.
880
00:48:16,201 --> 00:48:18,631
STEWIE, WE'RE IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT.
I KNOW!
881
00:48:18,700 --> 00:48:21,632
IMAGINE THE NADS
ON THOSE GUYS WHO
DID THIS ON A WAGON!
882
00:48:21,700 --> 00:48:23,999
PIONEERS, BRIAN!
WE SHARE THEIR SPIRIT!
MANIFEST DESTINY!
883
00:48:24,068 --> 00:48:26,766
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.
GIVE ME THE WHEEL.
GO TO HELL!
884
00:48:33,567 --> 00:48:35,565
[ Gasps ]
885
00:48:37,634 --> 00:48:39,632
[ Snoring ]
886
00:48:45,600 --> 00:48:48,531
[ Sighs ]
THIS IS HORRIBLE.
887
00:48:48,601 --> 00:48:52,299
I'M SO THIRSTY.
OH, MY GOD, BRIAN.
DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?
888
00:48:52,367 --> 00:48:54,565
[ Brian ]A DR. PEPPER MACHINE?
889
00:48:54,634 --> 00:48:56,499
YES!
OH, I CAN TASTE IT NOW!
890
00:48:56,567 --> 00:48:58,499
[ Panting ]
891
00:48:58,567 --> 00:49:00,665
[ Both Cackling ]
892
00:49:05,467 --> 00:49:07,532
DAMN IT.
IT WAS A MIRAGE.
893
00:49:07,600 --> 00:49:10,032
OH, A RC COLA MACHINE.
894
00:49:10,101 --> 00:49:12,531
OH, THAT'S IT!
I GIVE UP!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
895
00:49:12,601 --> 00:49:15,531
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE
ATTEMPTED THIS
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
896
00:49:15,601 --> 00:49:18,032
IT WAS STUPID!
HEY, HEY.
COME ON, NOW.
897
00:49:18,100 --> 00:49:21,032
YOU'VE COME THIS FAR.
HAVEN'T YOU?
[ Sobbing ] IT'S NO USE!
898
00:49:21,100 --> 00:49:24,532
EVEN IF MY REAL FATHER
IS OUT THERE, HE PROBABLY
DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ME.
899
00:49:24,600 --> 00:49:26,532
[ Sobbing Continues ]
900
00:49:26,600 --> 00:49:28,532
YOU GOTTA
SEE THIS THROUGH
TO THE END.
901
00:49:28,601 --> 00:49:31,032
MAYBE THIS GUY
IS YOUR REAL FATHER.
MAYBE NOT.
902
00:49:31,101 --> 00:49:34,366
BUT IF YOU DON'T FIND OUT,
YOU'RE GONNA SPEND THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE WONDERING.
903
00:49:34,435 --> 00:49:36,366
[ Sighs ]
WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
904
00:49:36,434 --> 00:49:38,765
COME ON.
I'LL STICK BY YOU
THE WHOLE WAY,
905
00:49:38,834 --> 00:49:41,265
JUST LIKE I DID
WHEN WE WERE SIAMESE TWINS.
906
00:49:41,334 --> 00:49:44,732
HEY, LOOK AT THAT WOMAN, BRIAN.
SHE HAS NO BUSINESS IN SHORTS.
907
00:49:44,801 --> 00:49:47,199
HEY! YOU HAVE
NO BUSINESS IN SHORTS!
908
00:49:47,267 --> 00:49:49,931
OOH, TORTILLAS!
LET'S DO SOFT TACOS TONIGHT.
909
00:49:52,901 --> 00:49:55,832
WELL, WE'VE TAUGHT
YOU WELL, CHILDREN.
IT'S IN GOD'S HANDS NOW.
910
00:49:55,901 --> 00:49:58,366
NOW GO TO THE MALL
AND FIND YOURSELF
SOME DATES.
911
00:49:58,434 --> 00:50:01,832
FIND A GIRL WHO SMOKES.
REMEMBER, IF SHE SMOKES,
SHE POKES.
912
00:50:01,901 --> 00:50:03,832
BYE, KIDS.
913
00:50:03,901 --> 00:50:06,365
DO YOU THINK
THEY'RE READY, PETER?
I DON'T CARE.
914
00:50:06,434 --> 00:50:09,932
ALL I CARE ABOUT IS THAT
WE HAVE OUR ALONE TIME.
ME TOO.
915
00:50:10,000 --> 00:50:13,565
ARE WE TERRIBLE PEOPLE?
NAH, NAH. WE'RE NOT
TERRIBLE PEOPLE, LOIS.
916
00:50:13,633 --> 00:50:15,632
HORSES
ARE TERRIBLE PEOPLE.
917
00:50:15,701 --> 00:50:17,631
[ Choking ]
918
00:50:17,700 --> 00:50:19,731
MURDER! MURDER!
919
00:50:26,634 --> 00:50:28,865
WELL, WE MADE IT.
SAN FRANCISCO.
920
00:50:28,934 --> 00:50:31,366
I BET THIS CITY'S FILLED
WITH KOOKY ROOMMATES...
921
00:50:31,434 --> 00:50:33,632
LIKE THE KIND YOU SEE
ALL LIVING TOGETHER ON TV.
922
00:50:36,201 --> 00:50:39,131
HEY, LION-O,
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'M NOT SURE, CHEETARA.
923
00:50:39,200 --> 00:50:42,131
BUT I'VE GOT A BAD FEELING
MUMM-RA'S UP TO SOMETHING.
924
00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:45,399
HMM. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I'M GONNA USE THE JOHN.
925
00:50:45,468 --> 00:50:49,166
EYE OF THUNDERA,
GIVE ME SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT.
926
00:50:51,334 --> 00:50:54,866
LION-O, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SNARF! SNARF!
927
00:50:54,934 --> 00:50:57,866
OH, HEY, UH--
NOT MUCH, NOT MUCH.
928
00:50:57,934 --> 00:51:00,899
[ Clears Throat ]
YOU WANT TO
GET WASTED OR SOMETHING?
929
00:51:07,800 --> 00:51:10,565
LET'S SPLIT UP
AND TRY TO FIND HIM.
930
00:51:10,634 --> 00:51:12,065
[ Bell Dings ]
931
00:51:12,134 --> 00:51:14,065
[ Bell Dings ]
932
00:51:14,134 --> 00:51:17,565
YEAH, I JUST CHECKED IN.
YEAH, I MIGHT LOSE YOU.
I JUST GOT IN THE ELEVATOR.
933
00:51:17,634 --> 00:51:19,899
YEAH, I'M GONNA
GRAB A SHOWER.
934
00:51:19,968 --> 00:51:22,565
D-DID YOU GUYS EAT YET?
935
00:51:22,634 --> 00:51:25,565
NO-- NO, I'LL--
NO, I'LL JUST TAKE A CAB.
936
00:51:25,634 --> 00:51:27,565
YOU GOT YOUR CAR?
937
00:51:27,634 --> 00:51:29,699
DO YOU WANNA PICK ME UP?
938
00:51:29,767 --> 00:51:32,699
DO YOU-- DO YOU WANNA--
DO YOU WANNA PICK ME UP?
939
00:51:32,767 --> 00:51:34,699
DO YOU WANNA PICK ME UP?
940
00:51:34,767 --> 00:51:37,564
DO YOU WANNA PICK ME UP?
DO YOU WANNA PICK ME UP?
941
00:51:37,633 --> 00:51:39,799
♪♪ [ Whistling ]
942
00:51:45,167 --> 00:51:47,698
[ Gasps ]
FATHER!
943
00:52:01,433 --> 00:52:04,366
[ Chattering In Jawa ]
AAH! UTEDI! UTEDI!
944
00:52:04,435 --> 00:52:06,433
FILTHY CREATURES.
945
00:52:23,800 --> 00:52:25,732
WHOA-OHH!
946
00:52:25,800 --> 00:52:28,232
DAMN! WHY IS THERE ALWAYS
A FRUIT STAND?
947
00:52:28,301 --> 00:52:30,233
[ Radio: Man ]
HIGH-SPEED PURSUIT
IN PROGRESS...
948
00:52:30,300 --> 00:52:32,233
HEADED SOUTH ON POWELL
TOWARD MARKET STREET.
949
00:52:32,300 --> 00:52:35,132
YOU HEARD HIM, PEOPLE.
POWELL AND MARKET. MOVE IT!
950
00:52:37,233 --> 00:52:40,165
[ Sighs ]
I FEEL LIKE I'VE SEARCHED
THIS WHOLE BLOODY CITY.
951
00:52:40,234 --> 00:52:43,665
I SUPPOSE THIS MEANS
I'LL NEVER FIND THE ANSWER
TO WHO I REALLY AM.
952
00:52:43,734 --> 00:52:45,665
OH, WELL.
SEE YOU GENTS LATER.
953
00:52:45,734 --> 00:52:47,665
FREE TIBET.
NO GRAPES. ALL THAT.
954
00:52:47,734 --> 00:52:50,999
DUDE, I COULD HAVE SWORN
THAT NERF FOOTBALL
WAS JUST TALKIN' TO ME.
955
00:52:51,068 --> 00:52:53,665
[ Bell Dings ]
956
00:52:53,734 --> 00:52:56,499
ARE YOU DONE
WITH THE ARTS SECTION?
OF COURSE.
957
00:52:56,567 --> 00:52:58,165
- [ Gasps ]
- [ Gasps ]
958
00:52:58,234 --> 00:53:00,831
OH, MY GOD!
OH, DEAR.
959
00:53:00,900 --> 00:53:02,898
OH, DEAR, OH, DEAR.
THIS IS NOT GOOD.
960
00:53:02,967 --> 00:53:04,898
THIS IS VERY BAD.
VERY BAD.
961
00:53:04,967 --> 00:53:08,565
OH, DADDY, I KNEW I'D FIND YOU!
I KNEW PETER COULDN'T BE
MY REAL FATHER!
962
00:53:08,634 --> 00:53:10,998
NO, NO, NO.
YOU'VE GOTTEN IT
ALL WRONG, STEWIE.
963
00:53:11,067 --> 00:53:13,065
STEWIE?
HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?
964
00:53:13,134 --> 00:53:15,899
BECAUSE I'M NOT YOUR FATHER.
I'M YOU.
965
00:53:19,867 --> 00:53:21,799
[ Peter ]WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
966
00:53:21,867 --> 00:53:24,799
[ Brian ]LOOKS LIKE AN INTERMISSION,A CHANCE TO STRETCH THE LEGS.
967
00:53:24,867 --> 00:53:27,298
[ Peter ]OH, MAN, I PEED IN THIS CUPFOR NOTHIN'?
968
00:53:27,366 --> 00:53:29,799
[ Chris ]DAD, I JUST KICKED OVERYOUR COKE.
969
00:53:29,867 --> 00:53:33,298
[ Stewie ] I LOOK ATROCIOUS!DID YOU SEE MY ASS?OH, MY GOD!
970
00:53:33,366 --> 00:53:36,665
[ Meg ]THIS STINKS! I CAN'T BELIEVETHEY CUT MY WHOLE SEX SCENE!
971
00:53:36,733 --> 00:53:38,665
IT WAS SO TASTEFULLY DONE!
972
00:53:38,733 --> 00:53:41,665
[ Lois ] PETER, COULD YOU GOTO THE CONCESSION STAND?I WANT SOMETHING TO SUCK ON.
973
00:53:41,733 --> 00:53:43,665
[ Quagmire ]GIGGEDY-GIGGEDY!
974
00:53:43,733 --> 00:53:47,166
[ Cleveland ] HEY, QUAGMIRE,YOU THINK WE GOT TIMETO GO OUTSIDE AND BURN ONE?
975
00:53:47,234 --> 00:53:49,665
[ Quagmire ]IT'S NOT OVER YET?HOW LONG IS THIS THING?
976
00:53:49,733 --> 00:53:53,665
[ Herbert ] CHRIS,DO YOU HAVE A SHOWER SCENE?OR DO I HAVE TO KEEP DREAMIN'?
977
00:53:53,733 --> 00:53:55,665
MMM.
978
00:53:55,733 --> 00:53:57,532
[ Brian ]ALL RIGHT, WE'RE BACK.
979
00:54:01,467 --> 00:54:03,399
YOU'RE ME FROM THE FUTURE?
THAT'S ABSURD.
980
00:54:03,467 --> 00:54:05,399
I'M AFRAID IT'S TRUE,
STEWIE.
981
00:54:05,467 --> 00:54:07,899
I'M THE MAN YOU DREAMED
YOU'D BE WHEN YOU WERE
ALONE IN YOUR BEDROOM...
982
00:54:07,967 --> 00:54:10,998
PLANNING WORLD DOMINATION
AND SINGING DONNA SUMMER
INTO YOUR HAIRBRUSH.
983
00:54:11,067 --> 00:54:13,598
♪ TELL HIM
TO JUST GET OUT ♪
984
00:54:13,667 --> 00:54:16,266
♪ NOTHIN' LEFT
TO TALK ABOUT ♪
985
00:54:16,335 --> 00:54:19,066
♪ PACK HIS RAINCOAT
SHOW HIM OUT ♪
986
00:54:19,135 --> 00:54:22,932
♪ JUST LOOK HIM IN THE EYES
AND SIMPLY SHOUT ♪
987
00:54:23,001 --> 00:54:25,032
[ Both ]
♪ ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
IS ENOUGH ♪
988
00:54:25,101 --> 00:54:29,099
♪ I CAN'T GO ON
I CAN'T GO ON NO MORE NOW ♪
989
00:54:29,168 --> 00:54:30,966
♪ ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
IS ENOUGH ♪
990
00:54:31,034 --> 00:54:35,331
♪ I WANT HIM OUT
I WANT HIM OUT
THAT DOOR NOW ♪♪
991
00:54:35,400 --> 00:54:37,331
[ Gasps ]
IT IS YOU-- UH, ME!
992
00:54:37,400 --> 00:54:40,966
OH, GOD, I HAVE TO MANY
QUESTIONS ABOUT THE FUTURE.
IS ALL FOOD IN PILL FORM?
993
00:54:41,034 --> 00:54:45,199
DO THEY HAVE FLYING CARS?
DID THEY EVER FIND A SUCCESSFUL
VEHICLE FOR ELLEN CLEGHORNE?
994
00:54:45,268 --> 00:54:48,199
I CAN'T ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS.
I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED
TO BE TALKING TO YOU.
995
00:54:48,268 --> 00:54:51,166
- IT'S A VIOLATION OF
THE TERMS OF MY VACATION.
- VACATION?
996
00:54:51,235 --> 00:54:55,698
YES. IN THE FUTURE, PEOPLE TAKE
VACATIONS NOT TO DESTINATIONS,
BUT TO PERIODS OF TIME.
997
00:54:55,767 --> 00:54:58,465
JUST LAST SUMMER
I WENT BACK
TO VISIT JESUS CHRIST.
998
00:54:58,534 --> 00:55:01,465
TURNS OUT HIS ABILITIES
MIGHT HAVE BEEN
EXAGGERATED A BIT.
999
00:55:02,701 --> 00:55:05,699
♪♪ [ Humming
Vaudeville Melody ]
1000
00:55:22,467 --> 00:55:25,564
I'VE ALREADY SAID ENOUGH.
I SHOULD BE GETTING BACK.
1001
00:55:25,633 --> 00:55:28,065
YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME.
I MUST KNOW MY FUTURE.
1002
00:55:28,134 --> 00:55:31,565
SORRY.
IT'S AGAINST THE RULES.
GOOD-BYE, STEWIE.
1003
00:55:31,634 --> 00:55:33,731
SURPRISE!
1004
00:55:34,800 --> 00:55:36,732
OH,
THIS IS JUST GREAT.
1005
00:55:36,801 --> 00:55:39,066
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
THIS IS THE FUTURE--
1006
00:55:39,133 --> 00:55:41,265
WAIT A MINUTE.
EVERYTHING LOOKS THE SAME.
1007
00:55:41,334 --> 00:55:43,999
WELL, OF COURSE.
IT'S ONLY BEEN 30 YEARS.
WHERE ARE THE MONUMENTS TO ME?
1008
00:55:44,067 --> 00:55:45,999
WHERE ARE MY LEGIONS
OF FOLLOWERS?
1009
00:55:46,067 --> 00:55:50,266
I THOUGHT I'D BE ABSOLUTE RULER
OF THE WORLD BY NOW, FAR AWAY
FROM THAT HOUSE FULL OF IDIOTS.
1010
00:56:00,700 --> 00:56:02,632
[ Sighs ]
1011
00:56:02,701 --> 00:56:05,631
SORRY, STEWIE.
I ABANDONED MY QUEST FOR
WORLD DOMINATION LONG AGO.
1012
00:56:05,701 --> 00:56:08,631
WELL, AM I AT LEAST
A CITY COUNCILMAN OR SOMETHING?
1013
00:56:08,701 --> 00:56:11,132
SORRY.
OH, THIS IS NOTHING
LIKE I IMAGINED.
1014
00:56:11,200 --> 00:56:13,132
I THOUGHT THE FUTURE
WOULD BE DIFFERENT,
1015
00:56:13,200 --> 00:56:16,298
WITH JET PACKS, ECO-DOMES
AND TV THEY CAN BEAM
RIGHT INTO YOUR HEAD.
1016
00:56:16,367 --> 00:56:18,299
UH, GIVE ME
MORK AND MINDY.
1017
00:56:19,533 --> 00:56:22,798
[ Laughs ]
THAT'S NOT HOW YOU
SIT IN A CHAIR!
1018
00:56:24,368 --> 00:56:26,299
I'M LATE TO SUNDAY DINNER
WITH THE FAMILY.
1019
00:56:26,367 --> 00:56:29,298
YOU'LL HAVE TO
WAIT IN THE CAR UNTIL
I CAN SEND YOU BACK.
1020
00:56:29,367 --> 00:56:31,799
WAIT IN THE CAR?
I SHALL DO NO SUCH THING.
1021
00:56:31,868 --> 00:56:34,598
HEY, DID THEY EVER
UNFREEZE WALT DISNEY?
UGH. UNFORTUNATELY.
1022
00:56:34,667 --> 00:56:36,232
WELCOME BACK,
MR. DISNEY.
1023
00:56:36,301 --> 00:56:38,233
ARE THE JEWS GONE YET?
UH, NO.
1024
00:56:38,300 --> 00:56:40,199
PUT ME BACK IN.
1025
00:56:42,201 --> 00:56:45,132
PUT SOME PANTS ON.
THE KIDS'LL BE HERE
ANY MINUTE.
1026
00:56:45,200 --> 00:56:48,732
IN A SECOND, LOIS.
I'M WATCHING THE BRITNEY SPEARS
COMEBACK CONCERT.
1027
00:56:48,801 --> 00:56:50,332
HI, EVERYBODY!
1028
00:56:50,401 --> 00:56:53,032
I MAY HAVE LOST A FOOT
TO DIABETES,
1029
00:56:53,101 --> 00:56:55,532
BUT I'M STILL SEXY,
Y'ALL!
1030
00:56:55,601 --> 00:56:57,798
NOW I'M GONNA DANCE
FOR YA!
1031
00:56:57,868 --> 00:57:00,365
♪♪ [ Pop ]
1032
00:57:05,101 --> 00:57:07,032
[ Audience Screaming ]
1033
00:57:07,101 --> 00:57:09,798
[ Doorbell Rings ]
1034
00:57:09,867 --> 00:57:13,065
- OH, STEW. MY BIG BOY.
- HELLO, MOTHER!
1035
00:57:13,134 --> 00:57:16,598
SHE'S STILL ALIVE?
WHAT THE HELL, MAN?
1036
00:57:16,667 --> 00:57:18,598
I BROUGHT A GUEST.
1037
00:57:18,667 --> 00:57:22,465
THIS IS, UM, UH, PABLO,
A CHILD FROM NICARAGUA
I'VE BEEN SPONSORING.
1038
00:57:22,534 --> 00:57:24,532
MY!
HOW WONDERFUL!
1039
00:57:24,600 --> 00:57:26,166
ME GUSTA NICARAGUA.
1040
00:57:26,235 --> 00:57:28,698
MMM, YES. IS THAT WHERE
YOU GOT THAT LEATHER HANDBAG?
1041
00:57:28,767 --> 00:57:32,132
OH, I'M SORRY. THAT'S YOUR FACE!
HA HA! OH! GOT YOU!
1042
00:57:32,200 --> 00:57:35,132
THIRTY YEARS LATER,
I STILL FREAKING GOT YOU!
1043
00:57:35,201 --> 00:57:39,098
OH, GOD! I FEEL
AS INVINCIBLE AS SUPERMAN.
1044
00:57:40,167 --> 00:57:42,099
HEY THERE, WONDER WOMAN.
1045
00:57:42,167 --> 00:57:44,098
FLYING YOUR INVISIBLE PLANE,
I SEE.
1046
00:57:44,167 --> 00:57:46,465
[ Chuckles ]
BOY, THIS IS AWKWARD.
1047
00:57:46,533 --> 00:57:50,099
I'M-- I'M, UH, ACTUALLY
IN THE LAVATORY
OF THE INVISIBLE PLANE.
1048
00:57:50,168 --> 00:57:53,432
OH. YOU MEAN,
RIGHT NOW YOU'RE--
YEAH.
1049
00:57:53,500 --> 00:57:55,732
[ Toilet Flushes ]
1050
00:57:59,135 --> 00:58:04,032
I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE
YOU DIDN'T WASH YOUR HANDS
IN THE INVISIBLE SINK.
1051
00:58:04,100 --> 00:58:06,032
HI, EVERYBODY.
SORRY WE'RE LATE.
1052
00:58:06,100 --> 00:58:08,899
STOP FUCKIN' APOLOGIZING.
YOU SOUND LIKE
A FUCKIN' WOMAN.
1053
00:58:08,967 --> 00:58:11,598
I SUPPOSE
ONE OF YOU HAS TO.
1054
00:58:11,667 --> 00:58:14,899
- OH, WHAT A NICE
BLOUSE, VANESSA.
- CHRIS'S WIFE.
1055
00:58:14,967 --> 00:58:17,732
OH, THANKS. I'M NOT SURE
MY TINY BRAIN COULD'VE
PUT THAT ONE TOGETHER.
1056
00:58:17,800 --> 00:58:21,364
MOM, I NOTICE YOUR HEDGES
ARE PUSHING OUT ONTO THE CURB,
AND THAT'S A VIOLATION.
1057
00:58:21,433 --> 00:58:24,364
AND YOUR TAGS ARE EXPIRED,
AND ONE OF YOUR TAILLIGHTS
IS BUSTED.
1058
00:58:24,433 --> 00:58:28,365
I'M NOT GONNA RUN YOU IN,
BUT I WILL IF YOU DON'T
GIVE ME A COOKIE!
1059
00:58:28,434 --> 00:58:30,865
HERE YOU GO,
SWEETIE.
YEA!
1060
00:58:30,934 --> 00:58:33,732
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
THAT FAT PIG NEEDS--
A FUCKIN' COOKIE.
1061
00:58:33,801 --> 00:58:36,598
HI, VANESSA.
WELL, DON'T YOU
LOOK NICE--
1062
00:58:36,667 --> 00:58:39,599
[ Groans ]
OH, NO! I BROKE MY HIP!
1063
00:58:39,667 --> 00:58:41,865
YOU NEED SOME HELP,
DAD?
NO, I'M GOOD.
1064
00:58:41,934 --> 00:58:44,599
OH, ARE THESE THE PICTURES
FROM YOUR TRIP TO SONOMA?
1065
00:58:44,667 --> 00:58:48,598
OH, MY GOD!
OH, LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL
THE COUNTRYSIDE IS.
1066
00:58:48,667 --> 00:58:52,366
OH, I'D LOVE TO GET
A HOUSE OUT THERE
IF I HAD THE MONEY!
1067
00:58:52,434 --> 00:58:57,199
THAT WAS A SWELL VACATION.
MUCH BETTER THAN THAT TIME I WAS
STUCK ON THAT ISLAND WITH BONO.
1068
00:58:58,268 --> 00:59:00,199
BONO,
STOP SCREWIN' AROUND...
1069
00:59:00,267 --> 00:59:02,132
AND OPEN UP
THAT DAMN CRATE OF FOOD.
1070
00:59:02,201 --> 00:59:05,364
I'M SAVING THIS FOR THE STARVIN'
CHILDREN OF THE WORLD
IN CASE WE GET RESCUED.
1071
00:59:05,433 --> 00:59:08,364
YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S US. WE'RE STARVIN'.
NOW OPEN IT UP!
1072
00:59:08,433 --> 00:59:11,932
I CAN'T DO THAT, PETER.
IT'S FOR THE STARVIN' CHILDREN.
[ Sighs ]
1073
00:59:16,300 --> 00:59:18,233
AHA!
1074
00:59:18,300 --> 00:59:21,298
I'M JUST MAKIN' SURE
IT TASTES GOOD
FOR THE STARVIN' CHILDREN.
1075
00:59:22,300 --> 00:59:24,232
[ Moaning ]
1076
00:59:24,301 --> 00:59:26,032
KNOCK KNOCK.
1077
00:59:26,101 --> 00:59:29,032
- OH, HI, RON.
- WHO IS THAT FELLOW?
HE LOOKS SO FAMILIAR.
1078
00:59:29,101 --> 00:59:31,532
IT'S MEG.
SHE HAD A SEX CHANGE
RIGHT AFTER COLLEGE.
1079
00:59:31,601 --> 00:59:33,532
WOW!
SHE WENT TO COLLEGE?
1080
00:59:33,601 --> 00:59:36,532
I CAN'T STAY TOO LATE.
I GOTTA GO SHOP
FOR A RAZOR.
1081
00:59:36,600 --> 00:59:39,431
YOU KNOW, FOR MY FACE,
WHERE I GROW MY BEARD.
1082
00:59:39,500 --> 00:59:41,398
WE GET IT.
YOU'RE A GUY.
1083
00:59:43,466 --> 00:59:46,899
- WHAT IS THIS ONE, MY PROM?
- OH, YES. THAT'S SHIRLEY BLITT.
1084
00:59:46,968 --> 00:59:50,765
WE COULDN'T DO ANY DANCING
BECAUSE OF HER CLUB FOOT,
BUT THE PUNCH WAS DELICIOUS.
1085
00:59:50,834 --> 00:59:53,132
I THINK SOMEBODY
PUT MANGO IN IT.
1086
00:59:53,200 --> 00:59:56,132
ISN'T IT FUNNY
THAT I REMEMBER THAT
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?
1087
00:59:57,801 --> 01:00:01,065
WELL, THERE HE IS.
1088
01:00:01,134 --> 01:00:03,065
OH, THIS IS FANTASTIC!
1089
01:00:03,134 --> 01:00:05,333
THAT'S NOT REALLY
APPROPRIATE, STEWIE.
1090
01:00:05,401 --> 01:00:08,331
OH, OF COURSE IT IS.
I LOATHED THAT KNOW-IT-ALL,
FLEA-BITTEN MUTT.
1091
01:00:08,400 --> 01:00:12,099
NO, IT'S JUST THAT THE MEANING
OF THAT WORD HAS CHANGED
EVER SINCE PRESIDENT DOUCHEBAG.
1092
01:00:12,167 --> 01:00:13,899
[ Cheering ]
THANK YOU!
1093
01:00:13,968 --> 01:00:17,564
I JUST RECEIVED A CALL
FROM MY WORTHY OPPONENT,
SENATOR DATERAPE.
1094
01:00:17,633 --> 01:00:21,065
- [ Booing ]
- NO, NO. HE RAN
A GOOD CAMPAIGN,
1095
01:00:21,134 --> 01:00:23,565
BUT THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA
HAVE SPOKEN,
1096
01:00:23,634 --> 01:00:27,631
AND THEY'RE SAYING
THEY WANT FOUR MORE YEARS
OF DOUCHEBAG!
1097
01:00:27,700 --> 01:00:31,232
[ Chanting ]
DOUCHEBAG! DOUCHEBAG!
DOUCHEBAG! DOUCHEBAG!
1098
01:00:34,300 --> 01:00:36,765
THAT IS SOME
FUCKIN' GOOD DINNER,
MRS. GRIFFIN.
1099
01:00:36,834 --> 01:00:39,032
[ Uncomfortable Chuckle ]
THANK YOU.
1100
01:00:39,101 --> 01:00:42,032
EXCUSE ME.
I'M GONNA GO HELP PETER
WITH THE DISHES.
1101
01:00:42,101 --> 01:00:44,032
RON, STU,
I NEED YOUR HELP.
1102
01:00:44,100 --> 01:00:47,532
I NEED YOU TWO TO TELL
THOSE PARENTS OF YOURS THEY'RE
MOVING INTO A RETIREMENT HOME,
1103
01:00:47,600 --> 01:00:50,532
'CAUSE MR. EMPTY SAC
OVER HERE WON'T DO IT.
1104
01:00:50,600 --> 01:00:53,998
STU, YOU DON'T WANT
MOM AND DAD TO GO TO
A RETIREMENT HOME, DO YOU?
1105
01:00:54,067 --> 01:00:56,398
WELL, U-UH, IT'S, UH--
1106
01:00:56,467 --> 01:00:59,398
I-- STU, COULD YOU
HELP ME WITH THE DISHES?
1107
01:00:59,467 --> 01:01:01,398
BE RIGHT THERE, MOTHER!
1108
01:01:01,467 --> 01:01:04,799
ACTUALLY, VANESSA--
STU, I NEED YOUR HELP!
THERE ARE DISHES EVERYWHERE!
1109
01:01:04,867 --> 01:01:06,798
OH, SORRY. MUST GO.
1110
01:01:06,867 --> 01:01:09,565
WELL, I CAN'T DO IT TO 'EM.
THEY'RE MY PARENTS.
1111
01:01:09,633 --> 01:01:12,231
DON'T YOU EVER WANT
TO INHERIT THIS HOUSE,
YOU FAT FUCK?
1112
01:01:12,300 --> 01:01:15,766
OR AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS ANY
DESIRE TO MOVE OUT FROM UNDER
THE FUCKING POWER LINES?
1113
01:01:15,834 --> 01:01:17,765
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, IT'S CANCER!
1114
01:01:17,834 --> 01:01:20,932
CAN WE PLEASE NOT DO THIS
IN FRONT OF PABLO?
1115
01:01:21,001 --> 01:01:23,365
AH, SCREW HIM!
THAT FUCKIN' KID'S
FROM GUAM.
1116
01:01:23,434 --> 01:01:25,365
PROBABLY
ONLY SPEAKS SPANISH
OR SOME SHIT.
1117
01:01:25,434 --> 01:01:28,598
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
'NESSA-- A BULLET SOUNDS
THE SAME IN EVERY LANGUAGE.
1118
01:01:28,667 --> 01:01:31,166
SO STICK A FUCKING SOCK IN IT,
YOU COW!
1119
01:01:33,501 --> 01:01:37,432
YOU CAN CRASH AT MY PLACE
TONIGHT, BUT TOMORROW WE'RE
GOING TO GET YOU BACK HOME.
1120
01:01:37,501 --> 01:01:39,965
WELL,
WELCOME TO CHEZ STU.
1121
01:01:40,967 --> 01:01:42,865
DEAR GOD,
THIS IS WHERE I LIVE?
1122
01:01:42,934 --> 01:01:46,399
ALL ALONE IN A FILTHY HOVEL?
WELL, I WOULDN'T
EXACTLY SAY "ALONE."
1123
01:01:46,468 --> 01:01:48,732
LET ME INTRODUCE
MY ROOMMATE.
1124
01:01:48,801 --> 01:01:50,732
HE'S SOMETIMES
LATE ON THE RENT,
1125
01:01:50,801 --> 01:01:53,965
AND NEVER SHY ABOUT
SHARING THE GAS BILL,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
1126
01:01:54,034 --> 01:01:56,431
DID YOU JUST MAKE
A FART JOKE?
1127
01:01:56,500 --> 01:01:58,432
HEY, STU,
GOT BIG PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
1128
01:01:58,500 --> 01:02:01,398
SURE DO, RUPERT.
I'M FINALLY GOING TO
ORGANIZE MY PHOTO ALBUMS.
1129
01:02:01,467 --> 01:02:03,398
YEAH, RIGHT!
1130
01:02:03,467 --> 01:02:06,632
I SAY, WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS LEG?
OH, WAIT, NOW I REMEMBER.
1131
01:02:06,700 --> 01:02:10,298
YOU ARE GONNA SIT THERE
AND TELL ME A FLAT TAX
DOESN'T FAVOR THE WEALTHY?
1132
01:02:10,367 --> 01:02:12,798
NOT ONE BIT, AND IT SAVES
MILLIONS OF MAN-HOURS...
1133
01:02:12,867 --> 01:02:15,299
THAT THE COMPLEXITY OF
THE CURRENT TAX CODE WASTES,
1134
01:02:15,368 --> 01:02:17,798
WHICH YOU WOULD REALIZE
IF YOU WEREN'T RETARDED.
1135
01:02:17,867 --> 01:02:19,965
HEY, GIVE HIM BACK.
STOP THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
1136
01:02:20,034 --> 01:02:22,598
GIVE ME BACK HIS LEG.
OH, YOU'LL GET IT BACK.
1137
01:02:25,501 --> 01:02:29,165
THIS IS MY BULLETIN BOARD
WHERE I PUT ALL
MY FAVORITE COMIC STRIPS.
1138
01:02:29,234 --> 01:02:31,165
SEE, LOOK.
HERE'S THE LOCKHORNS.
1139
01:02:31,234 --> 01:02:34,999
MRS. LOCKHORN IS SAYING,
"WE'RE NEVER GOING
TO ANOTHER YARD SALE,"
1140
01:02:35,067 --> 01:02:37,999
BECAUSE MR. LOCKHORN
HAS CLEARLY PURCHASED
A TUBA!
1141
01:02:38,068 --> 01:02:40,498
[ Laughs ]
AND FROM THE LOOK
ON HER FACE,
1142
01:02:40,567 --> 01:02:43,498
I'D SAY
HE'S NOT PLAYING IT
VERY WELL AT ALL.
1143
01:02:43,567 --> 01:02:45,531
[ Laughing ]
YOU GET IT?
1144
01:02:45,600 --> 01:02:48,032
YOU GOT THESE
FROM PARADE MAGAZINE?
1145
01:02:48,101 --> 01:02:51,598
YOU READ PARADE MAGAZINE?
OHHH!
1146
01:02:51,667 --> 01:02:56,498
HEY, STU!
IT'S MONDAY, WHICH CAN
ONLY MEAN ONE THING!
1147
01:02:56,567 --> 01:02:59,632
[ Together ]
GO-GURT DAY!
[ Laughing ]
1148
01:02:59,700 --> 01:03:01,632
OH, FRAN, THIS IS PABLO
FROM NICARAGUA.
1149
01:03:01,700 --> 01:03:05,265
PABLO, THIS IS FRAN.
SHE IS HILARIOUS!
1150
01:03:05,334 --> 01:03:08,698
HEY, PABLO.
[ Laughs ] JUST KIDDIN'!
1151
01:03:08,767 --> 01:03:11,166
[ Laughs ]
I TOLD YOU!
SHE'S SO TWISTED!
1152
01:03:11,233 --> 01:03:13,665
WELL, I'D BETTER GET
BACK TO MY DEPARTMENT...
1153
01:03:13,734 --> 01:03:16,264
BEFORE GENGHIS
THE DAY MANAGER
MAKES HIS ROUNDS.
1154
01:03:16,333 --> 01:03:19,865
GENGHIS THE DAY MANA--
IS THAT FROM SOMETHING,
OR DID YOU JUST MAKE THAT UP?
1155
01:03:19,934 --> 01:03:21,865
I JUST MADE IT UP!
OH-HO-HO!
1156
01:03:21,934 --> 01:03:24,232
OH!
ALL DAY LONG.
1157
01:03:24,301 --> 01:03:26,899
WELL, I GUESS
IT'S NOT ALL BAD.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
1158
01:03:26,968 --> 01:03:29,899
DON'T BE COY,
YOU DIRTY HORNDOG.
YOU'RE HUMPING FRAN.
1159
01:03:29,967 --> 01:03:33,398
TELL ME, HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE WE GOTTEN INTO
THOSE LANE BRYANT STRETCH PANTS?
1160
01:03:33,466 --> 01:03:36,399
WHAT? NEVER.
DAMN RIGHT, NEVER--
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NEVER?
1161
01:03:36,467 --> 01:03:39,398
STEWIE, I'VE NEVER
SLEPT WITH ANY WOMAN.
1162
01:03:39,467 --> 01:03:41,464
I'VE NEVER HAD SEX.
1163
01:03:42,634 --> 01:03:44,565
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!
1164
01:03:44,634 --> 01:03:47,565
I COULD HANDLE
THE CRAPPY APARTMENT
AND THE PEDESTRIAN JOB.
1165
01:03:47,634 --> 01:03:51,066
BUT NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME
I'M A 35-YEAR-OLD,
PARADE MAGAZINE-READING VIRGIN?
1166
01:03:51,134 --> 01:03:53,065
WELL, YOU, SIR,
ARE PATHETIC!
1167
01:03:53,134 --> 01:03:56,565
SO FORGET ABOUT SENDING ME BACK,
BECAUSE I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL
WE DO A COMPLETE OVERHAUL...
1168
01:03:56,633 --> 01:03:59,065
ON THIS SAD THING
YOU CALL A LIFE.
1169
01:03:59,134 --> 01:04:01,465
CAN I STILL
READ PARADE?
NO, YOU CANNOT!
1170
01:04:04,801 --> 01:04:07,732
WE'VE GOT A BIG DAY OF
OVERHAULING YOUR LIFE AHEAD.
1171
01:04:07,801 --> 01:04:10,232
FIRST WE'VE GOT TO
FIX UP THIS APARTMENT--
STOP THAT.
1172
01:04:10,300 --> 01:04:12,232
WHAT?
WHY ARE YOU STARING
AT MY GENITALS?
1173
01:04:12,300 --> 01:04:15,066
I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TELL YOU
ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR OWN FUTURE,
BUT I WILL SAY THIS--
1174
01:04:15,135 --> 01:04:17,066
ENJOY YOUR LEFT TESTICLE
WHILE YOU CAN.
1175
01:04:17,135 --> 01:04:19,065
WHAT?
I'VE SAID TOO MUCH.
1176
01:04:20,967 --> 01:04:22,632
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
1177
01:04:22,700 --> 01:04:26,065
I'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU.
IT REALLY IS AN IMPROVEMENT.
1178
01:04:26,134 --> 01:04:28,565
AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN
THE BEST PART.
1179
01:04:28,634 --> 01:04:31,166
STRESS-RELEASE CANDLES
FOR THOSE EXTRA-TOUGH DAYS
AT THE OFFICE.
1180
01:04:31,234 --> 01:04:34,699
YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT.
ON TUESDAYS I WORK RETURNS.
1181
01:04:34,767 --> 01:04:38,399
I BOUGHT THIS BOOM BOX HERE,
AND IT'S GOT
THIS HIGH-PITCHED WHINE.
1182
01:04:38,467 --> 01:04:40,565
WELL, LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
1183
01:04:40,634 --> 01:04:43,266
[ Crying ]
HA-HA!
IT'S YOURS NOW, SUCKER!
1184
01:04:43,334 --> 01:04:47,032
ALL RIGHT, NOW THAT YOU'VE
GOT A SWINGING PAD, IT'S TIME
TO BRING FRAN BACK HERE...
1185
01:04:47,100 --> 01:04:49,364
AND, UM, YOU KNOW.
1186
01:04:50,400 --> 01:04:52,331
WHAT?
WELL, I HAVE NO IDEA.
1187
01:04:52,400 --> 01:04:54,832
I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.
NO, I HAVE NO IDEA.
1188
01:04:54,901 --> 01:04:57,832
YOU'RE THE ADULT HERE.
I WAS COUNTING ON YOU TO
KNOW THE MECHANICS, BECAUSE--
1189
01:04:57,901 --> 01:05:01,365
WELL, LET'S FACE IT, AS A BABY
ALL I'VE GOT TO GO ON
IS BEER COMMERCIAL INNUENDO...
1190
01:05:01,434 --> 01:05:03,498
AND THAT MYTH
ABOUT WHERE BABIES COME FROM.
1191
01:05:05,467 --> 01:05:07,765
OH, MY GOD!
THE STORK!
1192
01:05:12,135 --> 01:05:14,065
WHERE'S MY BABY?
1193
01:05:14,134 --> 01:05:17,065
SWEETIE, YOU AND ME
ARE GONNA MAKE THE BABY.
1194
01:05:17,134 --> 01:05:20,398
♪♪ [ Slow Funk ]
1195
01:05:21,967 --> 01:05:23,899
WHICH LAW AND ORDER
IS THIS?
1196
01:05:23,967 --> 01:05:27,565
THIS IS LAW AND ORDER: P.C.A.M.P.I.E.O.F.T.D.--
1197
01:05:27,634 --> 01:05:31,232
PETTY CRIMES AGAINST
MUNICIPAL PROPERTY IN EXCESS
OF FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
1198
01:05:31,301 --> 01:05:33,232
OH, THAT KID'S
SPRAYING GRAFFITI.
1199
01:05:33,301 --> 01:05:35,899
THAT IS NOT GONNA BE CHEAP
TO HAVE THAT WALL REPAINTED.
1200
01:05:35,968 --> 01:05:37,898
KIDS,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
1201
01:05:37,967 --> 01:05:41,565
MOM, DAD, VANESSA WANTS US
TO PUT YOU GUYS
IN A RETIREMENT HOME.
1202
01:05:41,633 --> 01:05:43,564
BUT I THINK
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
1203
01:05:43,633 --> 01:05:45,565
A RETIREMENT HOME?
1204
01:05:45,634 --> 01:05:48,099
NOW, VANESSA SAYS
IT'S NOT THAT BAD, MOM.
1205
01:05:48,168 --> 01:05:50,932
SHE SAYS
THEY HAVE PEOPLE THERE
WHO WILL WIPE YOUR BOTTOM.
1206
01:05:51,001 --> 01:05:53,365
YOU GOTTA BE YANKIN' ME.
THAT IS SWEET!
1207
01:05:53,434 --> 01:05:55,364
THAT DOESN'T SOUND
RIDICULOUS AT ALL, MEG.
1208
01:05:55,433 --> 01:05:57,632
MY NAME IS RON.
1209
01:05:57,700 --> 01:06:01,931
OH, I WISH BRIAN WERE HERE.
HE'D NEVER LET YOU
PUT US IN A HOME.
1210
01:06:02,000 --> 01:06:04,999
OH, BUT AT LEAST
HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW.
1211
01:06:05,068 --> 01:06:06,998
WOW, LOOK AT ME.
1212
01:06:07,067 --> 01:06:10,498
HANGING OUT DRINKING
WITH ERNEST HEMINGWAY,
VAN GOGH AND KURT COBAIN.
1213
01:06:10,567 --> 01:06:13,999
STILL, IT FEELS LIKE
WE ALL GOT HERE A LITTLE EARLIER
THAN WE SHOULD HAVE.
1214
01:06:14,067 --> 01:06:18,232
WELL, I FINALLY COLLAPSED UNDER
THE WEIGHT OF MY OWN GENIUS
AND SHOT MYSELF.
1215
01:06:18,300 --> 01:06:20,232
I COULD NOT RECONCILE
MY PASSION...
1216
01:06:20,300 --> 01:06:23,732
WITH THE WAY PEOPLE
AROUND ME WERE LIVING,
SO I SHOT MYSELF.
1217
01:06:23,800 --> 01:06:26,732
I HATED THE THOUGHT
OF MY MUSIC BECOMING PART OF
SOME BLAND CORPORATE MECHANISM,
1218
01:06:26,800 --> 01:06:28,731
SO I SHOT MYSELF.
1219
01:06:28,800 --> 01:06:32,465
YEAH, I, UH,
I GOT INTO THE GARBAGE
AND ATE SOME CHOCOLATE.
1220
01:06:36,133 --> 01:06:38,065
MY WORD!
1221
01:06:38,134 --> 01:06:41,565
YES, EVIDENTLY THE RAZOR
WASN'T INVENTED TILL
SOMETIME IN THE LATE '80s.
1222
01:06:41,633 --> 01:06:43,565
OKAY, THEN LET'S BEGIN.
1223
01:06:43,634 --> 01:06:46,065
AND HERE WE GO.
AND WATCH MY HAND.
AND ONE, TWO, THREE.
1224
01:06:46,134 --> 01:06:49,165
PUT IT IN, TAKE IT OUT.
PUT IT IN, TAKE IT OUT.
1225
01:06:49,234 --> 01:06:50,932
♪ I AM THE MONARCH
OF THE SEA ♪
1226
01:06:51,001 --> 01:06:52,798
♪ THE RULER OF
THE QUEEN'S NAVY ♪
1227
01:06:52,867 --> 01:06:54,565
♪ WHOSE PRAISE
GREAT BRITAIN
LOUDLY CHANTS ♪
1228
01:06:54,634 --> 01:06:56,432
♪ AND WE ARE HIS SISTERS
AND HIS COUSINS
AND HIS AUNTS ♪♪
1229
01:06:56,501 --> 01:07:00,798
GOOD, YOU'VE GOT THE RHYTHM.
NOW TRY IT WITH SWISS CHEESE.
TAKE IT FROM THE TOP.
1230
01:07:09,867 --> 01:07:11,799
I REALLY ENJOYED
THE MOVIE TONIGHT.
1231
01:07:11,867 --> 01:07:14,799
AND I'M NOT TIRED AT ALL.
OH, YEAH?
GOOD, GOOD.
1232
01:07:14,867 --> 01:07:16,865
I ENJOYED
THE MOVIE TOO.
1233
01:07:18,466 --> 01:07:22,032
OH, HEY, I HEAR
THEY'RE EXTENDING
OUR STORE HOURS UNTIL 9:30.
1234
01:07:22,101 --> 01:07:24,032
OH, THAT'S, UM--
1235
01:07:24,101 --> 01:07:26,032
THAT'S GREAT.
1236
01:07:26,101 --> 01:07:27,698
LET'S HAVE SEX!
WHAT?
DEFINITELY!
1237
01:07:27,767 --> 01:07:29,398
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
1238
01:07:29,467 --> 01:07:32,898
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I CAN'T GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
WHY THE HELL NOT?
1239
01:07:32,967 --> 01:07:34,899
I-I-I'M TOO NERVOUS.
1240
01:07:34,968 --> 01:07:36,898
[ Fran ]I'M PUTTING IN MY DIAPHRAGM!
1241
01:07:36,967 --> 01:07:39,898
SEE? I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
GET IN THERE!
1242
01:07:39,968 --> 01:07:41,899
NO! NO!
YOU LISTEN TO ME.
1243
01:07:41,967 --> 01:07:43,899
YOU LISTEN TO ME,
STEWART GRIFFIN.
1244
01:07:43,968 --> 01:07:45,899
YOU MARCH IN THERE
RIGHT NOW AND...
1245
01:07:45,968 --> 01:07:48,166
"INSERT YOUR PHALLUS
INTO HER VAGINA."
1246
01:07:48,235 --> 01:07:50,232
GO!
1247
01:07:53,333 --> 01:07:55,765
I-- I'M SORRY.
THAT'S, UM--
1248
01:07:55,834 --> 01:07:57,765
THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED
TO ME BEFORE.
1249
01:07:57,834 --> 01:08:01,765
WHICH PART?
THE EIGHT SECONDS OF SEX,
OR THE 40 MINUTES OF CRYING?
1250
01:08:01,834 --> 01:08:03,832
UH, I GUESS BOTH.
1251
01:08:05,067 --> 01:08:07,999
DO I--
DO I GIVE YOU MONEY
OR SOMETHING?
1252
01:08:08,067 --> 01:08:10,065
YEAH, I'M GONNA GO.
1253
01:08:13,134 --> 01:08:16,065
EIGHT SECONDS!
THAT'S TWICE AS GOOD
AS YOU DID IN REHEARSAL.
1254
01:08:16,134 --> 01:08:20,066
STU, I HEARD FROM JUAN
IN CAR STEREO INSTALLATION
ABOUT WHAT YOU DID TO FRAN.
1255
01:08:20,134 --> 01:08:22,065
INTEROFFICE SEX
IS PROHIBITED,
1256
01:08:22,134 --> 01:08:25,231
REGARDLESS OF
HOW HILARIOUSLY BRIEF
AND UNSATISFYING IT WAS.
1257
01:08:25,300 --> 01:08:27,232
YOU'RE FIRED.
[ Gasps ]
1258
01:08:27,301 --> 01:08:30,232
FIRED?
OH, THIS IS NOT GOOD.
OH, DEAR.
1259
01:08:30,300 --> 01:08:35,132
THIS IS ALMOST AS BAD AS WHEN
PETER GOT FIRED AS THE FIRST
DIRECTOR OF TERMS OF ENDEARMENT.
1260
01:08:35,201 --> 01:08:37,631
KIDS, I DON'T
HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT,
1261
01:08:37,701 --> 01:08:40,631
AND I CAN'T
TALK FOR TOO LONG
'CAUSE I GET REAL UPSET.
1262
01:08:40,701 --> 01:08:43,132
I WANT YOU TO MAKE
A LOT OF FRIENDS,
1263
01:08:43,200 --> 01:08:47,132
AND BE REAL NICE TO THE GIRLS--
THEY'RE GONNA BE REAL IMPORTANT
TO YOU AFTER I'M GONE.
1264
01:08:47,200 --> 01:08:49,198
[ Peter ]SWEET.
1265
01:08:52,800 --> 01:08:55,731
OH, CHEER UP.
YOU DIDN'T NEED
THAT CRAPPY JOB ANYWAY.
1266
01:08:55,801 --> 01:08:58,898
YOU ARE NOT
ALLOWED TO SPEAK.
YOU HAVE RUINED EVERYTHING!
1267
01:08:58,967 --> 01:09:02,966
NICE. I DONATE MY TIME TRYING
TO FIX YOUR PATHETIC LIFE,
AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET?
1268
01:09:03,034 --> 01:09:05,966
WELL, IT'S NOT THE FIRST GIFT
THAT'S EVER GONE UNAPPRECIATED.
1269
01:09:06,034 --> 01:09:07,966
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
SWEETHEART.
1270
01:09:08,034 --> 01:09:10,466
OH, PETER,
THANK YOU!
1271
01:09:10,534 --> 01:09:13,899
AN ARCADE-STYLE
GALAGA MACHINE.
[ Chuckles ]
1272
01:09:13,968 --> 01:09:15,899
OH, THANK YOU,
PETER--
1273
01:09:15,968 --> 01:09:18,599
MOVE!
[ Beeping ]
1274
01:09:18,667 --> 01:09:22,098
LOOK, ALL RIGHT,
I'LL ADMIT THAT MAYBE THINGS
HAVEN'T GONE EXACTLY TO PLAN.
1275
01:09:22,167 --> 01:09:25,098
WE'LL GO HOME AND REGROUP
AND HIT 'EM HARD TOMORROW.
1276
01:09:25,167 --> 01:09:27,366
GOOD LORD!
MY APARTMENT!
1277
01:09:29,433 --> 01:09:32,665
LOOKS LIKE THE CAUSE
OF THE FIRE WERE THESE
STRESS-RELEASE CANDLES.
1278
01:09:32,734 --> 01:09:35,332
HUH!
♪ IRONY ♪
1279
01:09:41,600 --> 01:09:44,532
I DON'T KNOW, PETER.
THIS PLACE
IS PRETTY DEPRESSING.
1280
01:09:44,601 --> 01:09:47,531
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT'S JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.
HEY, CLEVELAND.
1281
01:09:47,600 --> 01:09:51,231
HELLO,
1282
01:09:51,300 --> 01:09:53,698
PETER.
1283
01:09:53,767 --> 01:09:55,698
HEY, JOE, HOW ARE THINGS
SINCE THE OPERATION?
1284
01:09:55,767 --> 01:09:58,199
OH, GREAT, PETER.
[ Chuckles ]
1285
01:09:58,267 --> 01:10:01,465
WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED
I'D BE ONE OF THE FEW
NOT IN A WHEELCHAIR?
1286
01:10:01,533 --> 01:10:03,465
I SURE DO MISS BONNIE
THOUGH.
1287
01:10:03,533 --> 01:10:05,798
IT'S AMAZING
THEY WERE ABLE
TO GIVE YOU HER LEGS.
1288
01:10:05,867 --> 01:10:09,732
♪ WHO WEARS SHORT SHORTS ♪
I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!
1289
01:10:09,800 --> 01:10:12,098
HEY, GLENN.
HOW'S THE ARTHRITIS?
1290
01:10:12,167 --> 01:10:15,098
AH, NOT BAD.
COURSE, SINCE YOU WALKED IN
I'M FEELIN' A LITTLE STIFF!
1291
01:10:15,166 --> 01:10:18,098
GIGGEDY-GIGG-- OH!
I JUST POOPED A LITTLE.
1292
01:10:18,166 --> 01:10:22,032
OH, THAT'S NASTY.
1293
01:10:23,867 --> 01:10:27,298
UM, HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I DO
WHEN I'M FEELING DOWN?
1294
01:10:27,367 --> 01:10:29,298
I PLAY THE GLAD GAME.
1295
01:10:29,367 --> 01:10:32,799
I THINK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS
THAT MAKE ME GLAD.
LET'S TRY IT, SHALL WE?
1296
01:10:32,868 --> 01:10:35,799
UM... PINWHEELS.
1297
01:10:35,868 --> 01:10:38,932
A BIG WEDGE OF CAKE
FROM THE FAIR.
1298
01:10:40,068 --> 01:10:43,032
A DOODAD
TO WEAR IN YOUR HAT.
1299
01:10:44,135 --> 01:10:46,565
ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
1300
01:10:46,634 --> 01:10:48,565
[ Sighs ]
NO, IT'S MY FAULT.
1301
01:10:48,634 --> 01:10:51,199
MY WHOLE LIFE'S BEEN A MESS
EVER SINCE
THAT NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE.
1302
01:10:51,267 --> 01:10:53,698
- I MEAN, NOTHING GOES RIGHT--
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
1303
01:10:53,767 --> 01:10:56,698
NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE?
AT THE COMMUNITY POOL?
1304
01:10:56,767 --> 01:10:59,699
- BUT THAT WAS NOTHING.
- WELL, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT
AT FIRST.
1305
01:10:59,767 --> 01:11:03,165
BUT AROUND THE TIME
OF MY 20th BIRTHDAY
I STARTED HAVING NIGHTMARES.
1306
01:11:03,234 --> 01:11:06,165
THEN MY THERAPIST SAID
I'VE BEEN SUPPRESSING SOME
VERY COMPLEX EMOTIONS...
1307
01:11:06,234 --> 01:11:08,465
THAT MAY WELL
HAVE CAUSED ME
TO TAKE FEWER RISKS.
1308
01:11:08,534 --> 01:11:11,232
WELL, THEN, IT SEEMS
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO.
1309
01:11:11,300 --> 01:11:13,232
I MUST RETURN TO THE PAST...
1310
01:11:13,300 --> 01:11:16,233
TO ENSURE I NEVER HAVE THE
CLOSE CALL WITH THAT LIFEGUARD
TOWER IN THE FIRST PLACE.
1311
01:11:16,301 --> 01:11:19,232
OH, I JUST THOUGHT
OF ANOTHER ONE
FOR THE GLAD GAME.
1312
01:11:19,300 --> 01:11:22,998
THE FIRST SCISSOR CUT
INTO A FRESH PIECE
OF CONSTRUCTION PAPER.
1313
01:11:23,067 --> 01:11:25,065
OH, YEAH!
1314
01:11:27,134 --> 01:11:28,832
HERE'S WHAT WE DO.
1315
01:11:28,900 --> 01:11:31,832
YOU BUY ME ONE OF THOSE
TIME-TRAVEL WATCHES,
1316
01:11:31,901 --> 01:11:34,832
AND I'LL GO BACK TO MY OWN TIME
AND STOP THAT
NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE.
1317
01:11:34,901 --> 01:11:38,531
I CAN'T AFFORD ONE.
I DON'T HAVE A JOB.
HOW HARD IS IT TO GET A NEW JOB?
1318
01:11:38,600 --> 01:11:40,598
EVEN I HAD THAT JOB
AT THE AIRPORT.
1319
01:11:41,667 --> 01:11:43,599
JONNY QUEST.
1320
01:11:43,667 --> 01:11:45,599
OKAY.
WELCOME ABOARD.
1321
01:11:45,667 --> 01:11:47,599
DR. BENTON QUEST.
1322
01:11:47,667 --> 01:11:50,099
ALL RIGHT.
HAVE A GOOD FLIGHT.
1323
01:11:50,168 --> 01:11:52,098
HADJI. HMM.
1324
01:11:52,167 --> 01:11:55,132
UM, LISTEN, YOU'VE BEEN
RANDOMLY SELECTED
FOR ADDITIONAL SCREENING.
1325
01:11:55,201 --> 01:11:57,232
BUT YOU DIDN'T EVEN
TYPE ANYTHING IN.
1326
01:11:57,301 --> 01:11:59,565
IF IT WERE UP TO ME,
YOU'D BE ON THAT FLIGHT.
1327
01:11:59,633 --> 01:12:04,165
BUT, UH, I'M GONNA NEED YOU
TO TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES
AND THAT LOVELY, UH, HAT.
1328
01:12:04,233 --> 01:12:07,465
SIM-SIM-SALABIM!
YEAH, I'D CUT BACK
ON THAT.
1329
01:12:07,534 --> 01:12:09,899
WE'LL HAVE TO
BORROW THE MONEY
FROM MOMMY AND DADDY.
1330
01:12:09,967 --> 01:12:11,899
AAAH!
NEVER CALL THEM THAT AGAIN!
1331
01:12:11,967 --> 01:12:15,231
IT'S LOIS AND THE FAT MAN!
DO YOU HEAR ME?
YES! YES!
1332
01:12:15,300 --> 01:12:18,232
SMELLS LIKE HEAD & SHOULDERS.
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE DANDRUFF.
1333
01:12:18,300 --> 01:12:21,165
EXACTLY!
AH!
1334
01:12:23,701 --> 01:12:27,032
AND NOW HERE'S DIANE
WITH A LOOK AT TRAFFIC.
THANKS, TOM.
1335
01:12:27,100 --> 01:12:30,032
THERE WAS A MAJOR PILE-UP
IN THE AMBULATORY WING
THIS MORNING...
1336
01:12:30,100 --> 01:12:32,531
WHEN ONE OF THE RESIDENTS
VOMITED IN THE HALLWAY.
1337
01:12:32,601 --> 01:12:36,132
AND IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS,
I'M FAIRLY CERTAIN THAT FILIPINO
NURSE IS STEALING FROM ME.
1338
01:12:37,134 --> 01:12:39,065
OH, HEY, YOU TWO.
1339
01:12:39,134 --> 01:12:42,065
WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE?
LOIS, PABLO HERE
NEEDS YOUR HELP.
1340
01:12:42,134 --> 01:12:44,066
CAN WE DROP
THE WHOLE PABLO THING?
1341
01:12:44,134 --> 01:12:48,732
- DO YOU THINK I DON'T REMEMBER
MY OWN LITTLE STEWIE?
- YOU CLEVER, CLEVER SHREW!
1342
01:12:48,801 --> 01:12:51,298
STU, YOU COULD GET
IN A LOT OF TROUBLE
FOR THIS.
1343
01:12:51,367 --> 01:12:53,298
TAKE HIM BACK
TO HIS OWN TIME.
1344
01:12:53,367 --> 01:12:56,233
WELL, THAT'S WHY
WE'RE HERE.
I NEED A LOAN.
1345
01:12:56,301 --> 01:12:59,232
DONE.
THIS IS A SECRET ACCOUNT
PETER CAN'T ACCESS.
1346
01:12:59,300 --> 01:13:01,732
I NEVER COULD
TRUST HIM WITH MONEY.
1347
01:13:01,800 --> 01:13:04,898
LIKE THE TIME HE SPENT
MEG'S COLLEGE MONEY
ON THAT MEDIEVAL CATAPULT.
1348
01:13:04,967 --> 01:13:07,598
[ Catapult Releases ]
HEY!
1349
01:13:07,667 --> 01:13:12,532
EXCELLENT. THESE DOMINOES ARE
SET UP EXACTLY AS I WANT THEM,
RIGHT NEXT TO THE GOOD CHINA.
1350
01:13:12,600 --> 01:13:15,532
NOW I'LL JUST PLACE
THIS PRICELESS FABERGÉ EGG
IN THE CENTER,
1351
01:13:15,600 --> 01:13:18,032
RIGHT NEXT TO MY NEWBORN
HEMOPHILIAC BABY.
1352
01:13:18,100 --> 01:13:19,698
[ Thud ]
1353
01:13:19,767 --> 01:13:21,698
HEY,
THOSE YOURS?
YES.
1354
01:13:21,767 --> 01:13:23,699
OH. THOSE ARE ALL
REALLY NICE THINGS.
1355
01:13:23,767 --> 01:13:27,399
THANK YOU.
YOU HEAR THAT, EVAN?
WE WERE COMPLIMENTED.
1356
01:13:27,468 --> 01:13:30,398
TAKE AS MUCH MONEY
AS YOU NEED, BUT THERE'S
A COUPLE OF CONDITIONS.
1357
01:13:30,466 --> 01:13:34,899
ON YOUR WAY BACK TO THE PAST,
MAKE SURE CHRIS NEVER MARRIES
THAT BITCH VANESSA.
1358
01:13:34,968 --> 01:13:39,398
AND I WANT A PROMISE THAT
I WON'T SPEND MY OLD AGE
IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.
1359
01:13:39,467 --> 01:13:43,899
OH, BELIEVE ME, LOIS,
I PROMISE YOU WILL NEVER
END UP IN A RETIREMENT HOME.
1360
01:13:43,967 --> 01:13:46,965
[ Sinister Cackling ]
1361
01:13:59,101 --> 01:14:01,032
[ Sighs ]
1362
01:14:01,101 --> 01:14:03,098
ALL RIGHT,
LET'S DO THIS.
1363
01:14:07,768 --> 01:14:09,898
WELL, I SUPPOSE
THIS IS IT.
1364
01:14:09,967 --> 01:14:14,399
I JUST HIT ME THAT IF
YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL IN PREVENTING
OUR NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE,
1365
01:14:14,467 --> 01:14:17,065
IT'LL TURN ME INTO
AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STU.
1366
01:14:17,134 --> 01:14:19,065
THEN YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?
1367
01:14:19,134 --> 01:14:22,565
SINCE THE TIME LINE
IS GOING TO CHANGE ANYWAY,
YOU SHOULD GET REALLY FAT.
1368
01:14:22,634 --> 01:14:28,132
GO BUY A WHOLE PINT OF ICE CREAM
AND SHOVEL DOWN THE WHOLE THING.
I MEAN, JUST REALLY PIG OUT.
1369
01:14:28,201 --> 01:14:30,132
OOH, THAT'S BRILLIANT!
1370
01:14:30,200 --> 01:14:33,799
HEY, AND IF THE CITY THINKS
I'M PAYING THIS PARKING TICKET,
THEY ARE DREAMING!
1371
01:14:37,235 --> 01:14:40,231
NO, I'M NOT
REALLY GONNA DO IT,
YOU KNOW, JUST IN CASE.
1372
01:14:41,367 --> 01:14:44,198
GOOD-BYE, STEWIE.
SO LONG, STU.
1373
01:14:48,001 --> 01:14:51,431
AND IF ANYONE HAS
ANY OBJECTION TO THIS UNION
OF CHRIS AND VANESSA,
1374
01:14:51,500 --> 01:14:54,499
LET THEM SPEAK NOWOR FOREVER HOLD THEIR PEACE.
1375
01:14:55,767 --> 01:14:57,465
UH, I DO.
1376
01:14:57,533 --> 01:15:00,798
[ Guests Shouting,
Gasping ]
1377
01:15:00,867 --> 01:15:04,398
SO, DON'T LET THIS KEEP YOU
FROM ENJOYING THE RECEPTION,
1378
01:15:04,467 --> 01:15:06,899
WHERE I'M SURE THEY'LL BE
PLAYING THE CHICKEN DANCE.
1379
01:15:06,968 --> 01:15:09,732
SO ENJOY THE CHICKEN DANCE.
1380
01:15:11,134 --> 01:15:14,465
♪♪ [ Funk ]
DAMN!
I OVERSHOT IT!
1381
01:15:14,533 --> 01:15:17,665
1974.
UNIVERSITY OF DENVER.
1382
01:15:17,734 --> 01:15:20,332
I SAY,
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
GOES HERE.
1383
01:15:20,401 --> 01:15:25,965
DAMN! I AIN'T NEVER GONNA
LET THE MAN GET ME DOWN,
CRAZY CRACKERS!
1384
01:15:26,034 --> 01:15:28,731
BLACK PANTHERS
STAND TALL!
1385
01:15:29,900 --> 01:15:31,832
MMM!
1386
01:15:36,934 --> 01:15:38,866
BLAST!
THIS ISN'T THE POOL EITHER!
1387
01:15:38,934 --> 01:15:41,565
BUT AT LEAST I'VE ARRIVED
ON THE CORRECT DATE.
1388
01:15:42,701 --> 01:15:45,965
ONLY 30 MINUTES
BEFORE THE TOWER FALLS!
1389
01:15:46,034 --> 01:15:48,065
[ Beeps ]
1390
01:15:49,334 --> 01:15:51,999
DAMN! I'VE GOT TO
GET TO THAT SWIM MEET!
1391
01:15:58,001 --> 01:15:59,999
HUH?
1392
01:16:03,767 --> 01:16:07,199
HI. STEWIE GRIFFIN.
STEWIE GRIFFIN.
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
1393
01:16:09,801 --> 01:16:11,731
HUH?
1394
01:16:11,801 --> 01:16:13,998
[ Gasps ]
SMELLS GOOD.
DINNER'S READY.
1395
01:16:46,667 --> 01:16:50,232
[ Gasping ]
PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE
MILKED THAT LANDING.
1396
01:16:51,800 --> 01:16:53,298
[ Panting ]
1397
01:16:58,034 --> 01:17:00,631
- [ Gasps ]
- [ Beeping ]
1398
01:17:00,700 --> 01:17:02,632
[ Grunts ]
1399
01:17:02,700 --> 01:17:04,632
DON'T...
PRESS THAT.
1400
01:17:04,700 --> 01:17:08,265
FUTURE...
35-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN...
1401
01:17:08,333 --> 01:17:11,133
FRAN! FRAN!
1402
01:17:11,201 --> 01:17:13,199
FRAN!
WHAT THE DEVIL?
1403
01:17:14,501 --> 01:17:16,932
YES! I DID IT!
I STOPPED THE TOWER
FROM FALLING!
1404
01:17:17,001 --> 01:17:18,932
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M YOU,
FROM THE FUTURE.
1405
01:17:19,001 --> 01:17:20,932
FROM THE FUTURE?
MY WORD!
1406
01:17:21,001 --> 01:17:23,932
DID THEY EVER FIND
A SUCCESSFUL VEHICLE
FOR ELLEN CLEGHORNE?
1407
01:17:24,001 --> 01:17:27,432
OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY.
I ASKED THAT VERY SAME QUESTION
AND NEVER GOT AN ANSWER.
1408
01:17:27,501 --> 01:17:29,598
WELL, THEN
YOU'RE AS DISPOSABLE
AS SHE IS!
1409
01:17:29,667 --> 01:17:31,598
OH, COME ON,
MY LITTLE CHAMPION.
1410
01:17:31,667 --> 01:17:34,565
OH, MY GOD! AT LEAST
HAVE THE DECENCY TO CARRY ME,
YOU LAZY SKANK!
1411
01:17:34,634 --> 01:17:36,565
OF COURSE,
IT IS COMFORTABLE--
1412
01:17:36,633 --> 01:17:38,565
[ Snoring ]
1413
01:17:38,634 --> 01:17:43,032
HEY, THANKS AGAIN FOR
EXPLAINING FOOTBALL TO ME, MR.--
SORRY. I DIDN'T CATCH YOUR NAME.
1414
01:17:43,101 --> 01:17:46,032
- [ Chuckling ]
YOU CAN CALL ME RON.
- RON, HUH?
1415
01:17:46,100 --> 01:17:50,299
YOU KNOW,
I'VE ALWAYS REALLY LIKED
THAT NAME-- RON.
1416
01:18:07,767 --> 01:18:10,232
OH. OH.
OH, COME ON.
1417
01:18:10,300 --> 01:18:12,232
COME ON. COME ON!
1418
01:18:12,300 --> 01:18:14,565
COME ON!
OH! OH! THAT'S IT!
1419
01:18:14,634 --> 01:18:18,099
THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.
YES. YES! YES!
1420
01:18:18,168 --> 01:18:20,099
EAT MY DUST,
CRASH BANDICOOT!
1421
01:18:20,168 --> 01:18:22,598
[ Floor Director ] TOM, YOU'RE ON IN TWO.
GOOD EVENING.
1422
01:18:22,667 --> 01:18:25,431
FOR YOU PEOPLE JUST JOINING US
AFTER FAST-FORWARDING
THROUGH THE "MOVIE"...
1423
01:18:25,500 --> 01:18:27,431
TO GET TO
THE EXTRA MATERIAL,
1424
01:18:27,500 --> 01:18:29,532
WE'RE COVERING
THE FAMILY GUY WRAP PARTY.
1425
01:18:29,601 --> 01:18:31,531
WE'RE GOING LIVE
TO THE DRUNKEN CLAM...
1426
01:18:31,601 --> 01:18:34,932
WHERE ASIAN REPORTER
TRICIA TAKANAWA
IS HAVING A FEW DRINKS...
1427
01:18:35,001 --> 01:18:36,999
AND REPORTEDLY
LOVED THE MOVIE LONG TIME.
1428
01:18:37,068 --> 01:18:39,999
- TRICIA?
- THANK YOU, DIANE.
1429
01:18:40,067 --> 01:18:44,732
I THINK "MILDLY ENTERTAINED"
WOULD BE THE BEST WAY
TO DESCRIBE THE REACTION...
1430
01:18:44,801 --> 01:18:46,732
HERE AT THE AFTER-PARTY.
1431
01:18:46,801 --> 01:18:51,232
HORACE THE BARTENDER
HAS REALLY OUTDONE HIMSELF
WITH THE DECORATIONS.
1432
01:18:51,301 --> 01:18:55,232
THERE ARE BALLOONS
AND STREAMERS.
1433
01:18:55,301 --> 01:18:59,199
NOW LET'S GET SOME REACTIONS
FROM THESE HUGE FAMILY GUY FANS.
1434
01:18:59,268 --> 01:19:01,199
HOW'D YOU
LIKE THE MOVIE, SIR?
1435
01:19:01,268 --> 01:19:03,564
IT SUCKED. BIG WHOOP.
WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT?
1436
01:19:03,633 --> 01:19:06,898
WHO DO I SEE ABOUT
GETTING THE LAST TWO HOURS
OF MY LIFE BACK?
1437
01:19:06,967 --> 01:19:09,899
IF I WANTED TO HEAR
81 MINUTES OF GAY BASHIN',
1438
01:19:09,967 --> 01:19:12,232
I WOULD'VE GONE
TO MY FATHER'S HOUSE.
1439
01:19:12,301 --> 01:19:16,298
TERRIFIC. AND HERE COMES
THE FAMILY OF THE HOUR.
1440
01:19:16,367 --> 01:19:19,498
[ Applause, Cheering ]
1441
01:19:19,567 --> 01:19:22,499
WILL THERE BE A SEQUEL?
IS IT TRUE YOU'RE
RUNNING FOR MAYOR?
1442
01:19:22,567 --> 01:19:25,399
DO YOU THINK CAPONE
AND HIS CRONIES WILL RULE
THE STREETS OF CHICAGO FOREVER?
1443
01:19:26,467 --> 01:19:28,832
I'M STANDING HERE
WITH PETER GRIFFIN.
1444
01:19:28,900 --> 01:19:31,366
PETER, CONGRATULATIONS
ON YOUR BIG NIGHT.
1445
01:19:31,435 --> 01:19:33,366
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
1446
01:19:33,434 --> 01:19:35,665
HEY, HOW'S
MR. EDDIE'S FATHER DOIN'?
1447
01:19:35,734 --> 01:19:37,665
[ Laughs ]
THAT'S FRESH.
1448
01:19:37,734 --> 01:19:40,132
PETER, HOW DO YOU RESPOND
TO THE ACCUSATIONS...
1449
01:19:40,200 --> 01:19:43,132
THAT YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE
FOR THE SERIES' CANCELLATION?
1450
01:19:43,200 --> 01:19:45,131
WELL, THE SHOW
HAD BEEN ON FOR A WHILE.
1451
01:19:45,200 --> 01:19:49,131
I WAS TALKING TO ALAN ALDA,
AND HE SAID THE SAME THING
THAT DOC COSBY TOLD ME--
1452
01:19:49,200 --> 01:19:53,032
THAT IT WAS MY FACE OUT THERE,
AND I SHOULD TAKE
CREATIVE CONTROL.
1453
01:19:53,100 --> 01:19:57,598
SO I DID. WE PUSHED
THE ENVELOPE, CREATIVELY,
AND I STAND BY MY WORK.
1454
01:19:57,667 --> 01:19:59,598
♪♪ [ Drums, Maracas ]
1455
01:19:59,667 --> 01:20:02,598
PETER, CAN WE CUT?
THIS ISN'T WORKIN' FOR ME.
1456
01:20:02,667 --> 01:20:05,599
WHO YELLS CUT, CLEVELAND?
THE ONLY ONE WHO YELLS CUT
IS THE DIRECTOR.
1457
01:20:05,667 --> 01:20:08,599
LOOK, IF YOU WANT ME
TO DO THIS CHICK,
I'LL DO HER.
1458
01:20:08,667 --> 01:20:11,599
BUT DON'T MAKE ME
GO THROUGH
ALL THIS BULL.
1459
01:20:11,667 --> 01:20:14,331
YOU'RE SHOWIN'
A REAL UGLY SIDE,
GRIFFIN.
1460
01:20:14,400 --> 01:20:16,332
DID I MISS MY CUE?
1461
01:20:16,401 --> 01:20:19,831
ALTHOUGH I PROBABLY
PUSHED THINGS TOO FAR
WHEN I DID THE INCEST EPISODE.
1462
01:20:19,900 --> 01:20:21,832
[ Stammering ]
1463
01:20:21,901 --> 01:20:24,065
HI, MOM.
HI, CHRIS.
1464
01:20:25,667 --> 01:20:27,999
WRONG! IT'S WRONG!
1465
01:20:28,067 --> 01:20:31,498
STILL, THAT SAID,
I'M NOT THE ONE WHO PUT US UP
AGAINST FRIENDS AND SURVIVOR.
1466
01:20:31,567 --> 01:20:33,498
WHAT HAVE YOU
BEEN DOING SINCE?
1467
01:20:33,567 --> 01:20:35,865
I HAD A COUPLE
OF PART-TIME JOBS
THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT.
1468
01:20:37,334 --> 01:20:40,932
I THOUGHT YOU COULD
GO IN THE SUIT,
LIKE THE ASTRONAUTS.
1469
01:20:42,168 --> 01:20:44,098
I THOUGHT YOU COULD
GO IN THE SUIT,
1470
01:20:44,167 --> 01:20:45,731
LIKE THE ASTRONAUTS.
1471
01:20:47,134 --> 01:20:49,065
HEY,
I GOTTA TAKE A LEAK.
PETER!
1472
01:20:49,134 --> 01:20:51,232
IF YOU OPEN THAT SUIT,
YOU'LL DIE.
1473
01:20:51,300 --> 01:20:54,298
RIGHT, RIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO,
GET ME FIRED?
1474
01:20:54,367 --> 01:20:56,065
[ Zipper Unzips ]
1475
01:20:56,133 --> 01:20:58,132
[ Moaning ]
1476
01:21:00,001 --> 01:21:02,932
AND YOUR WIFE LOIS
IS LOOKING VERY LOVELY.
1477
01:21:03,001 --> 01:21:04,899
HOW DOES IT FEEL
TO BE BACK?
1478
01:21:04,967 --> 01:21:09,399
IT FEELS GOOD.
IT WAS A VERY DARK PERIOD
FOR ME FOR A WHILE.
1479
01:21:09,468 --> 01:21:11,399
LICENSE
AND REGISTRATION.
DARN YOU!
1480
01:21:11,467 --> 01:21:13,399
DO YOU KNOW
WHO I AM?
1481
01:21:13,467 --> 01:21:15,399
I'M AFRAID I DON'T, MA'AM.
1482
01:21:15,467 --> 01:21:17,399
PLEASE GIVE ME
YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION.
1483
01:21:17,467 --> 01:21:20,399
MA'AM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS.
1484
01:21:20,467 --> 01:21:22,732
OWW! OWW!
1485
01:21:22,800 --> 01:21:24,798
[ Screaming ]
1486
01:21:27,034 --> 01:21:29,966
♪♪ [ Dance Pop ]
1487
01:21:30,034 --> 01:21:31,999
ALL RIGHT!
1488
01:21:32,067 --> 01:21:34,399
SO, WHO'S GETTIN'
MARRIED, HUH? YOU?
1489
01:21:34,468 --> 01:21:37,899
ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME FUN.
1490
01:21:37,967 --> 01:21:41,132
HERE WE GO!
1491
01:21:42,400 --> 01:21:44,898
♪♪ [ Continues ]
1492
01:21:49,133 --> 01:21:51,465
[ Laughs ]
1493
01:21:51,534 --> 01:21:53,498
AAH!
1494
01:21:54,967 --> 01:21:57,899
HOW DO I KNOW IF I WANT IT
IF I CAN'T TASTE IT?
1495
01:21:57,967 --> 01:22:00,165
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
BONNIE FRANKLIN?
1496
01:22:00,234 --> 01:22:02,199
AAAH!
[ Blows Landing ]
1497
01:22:02,268 --> 01:22:04,265
NO, YOU WERE GREAT!
HA-HA-HA!
1498
01:22:04,333 --> 01:22:07,265
MY ANALYST SAID I SHOULD TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF THE TIME...
1499
01:22:07,333 --> 01:22:10,498
AND DO SOMETHING
I'D ALWAYS WANTED TO DO,
SO I COMPETED IN THE IDITAROD.
1500
01:22:10,567 --> 01:22:12,932
[ Dogs Barking,
Whining ]
1501
01:22:13,001 --> 01:22:14,665
[ Exhaling ]
1502
01:22:18,067 --> 01:22:20,131
- [ Gunshot ]
- [ Riders ] HYAH! HYAH!
1503
01:22:20,200 --> 01:22:22,132
WE GONNA TAKE
A BATHROOM BREAK?
1504
01:22:22,201 --> 01:22:24,632
WE GONNA--
WE GONNA, UH--
1505
01:22:24,701 --> 01:22:26,898
BATHROOM? OH, GOD.
1506
01:22:26,967 --> 01:22:29,464
[ Onlookers Cheering ]
1507
01:22:31,867 --> 01:22:35,465
SO I WORKED ON MY NOVEL
AND SPENT SOME TIME
GETTING TO KNOW MY FANS.
1508
01:22:35,533 --> 01:22:38,464
YOU KNOW, GIVE SOMETHING
BACK TO THE PEOPLE
WHO GOT ME WHERE I AM.
1509
01:22:38,533 --> 01:22:41,032
BRIAN, THIS IS MY FRIEND
ANNE-MICHELLE.
1510
01:22:41,100 --> 01:22:43,698
ANNE-MICHELLE! HEY!
WHAT ARE YOU DRINKIN'?
1511
01:22:43,767 --> 01:22:46,965
'CAUSE I SEE YOU ALREADY
ORDERED THE HOT SAUCE.
[ Laughs ]
1512
01:22:47,034 --> 01:22:50,565
HEY, BARTENDER, WHOSE LEG
DO YOU HAVE TO HUMP TO GET
A DRY MARTINI AROUND HERE?
1513
01:22:50,634 --> 01:22:53,065
[ Women Laughing ]
NOW DO PETER.
1514
01:22:53,134 --> 01:22:56,698
OOH, HEY. FORGOT MY WALLET.
CAN ONE OF YOU GUYS
GET THIS?
1515
01:22:56,767 --> 01:22:59,698
UM, I DID A GUEST SPOT
ON THE WEST WING.
1516
01:22:59,768 --> 01:23:04,565
IT'S NOT NORMALLY WHAT I DO,
BUT I REALLY GOT A CHANCE
TO FLEX MY DRAMATIC MUSCLE.
1517
01:23:04,634 --> 01:23:07,565
I GOT EIGHT GUYS
FROM TALLAHASSEE WHO WANT
THIS BILL PUSHED THROUGH.
1518
01:23:07,634 --> 01:23:10,565
WHAT'S THE LATEST
ON THOSE REFUGEES?
THEY OFF THE COAST YET?
1519
01:23:10,634 --> 01:23:13,965
WE'RE GETTING A LOT OF
INTERNET CHATTER. WE CAN JUSTIFY
RAISING THE THREAT LEVEL.
1520
01:23:14,034 --> 01:23:16,965
WHAT YOU DO
ON YOUR OWN TIME
IS NOT MY BUSINESS,
1521
01:23:17,034 --> 01:23:19,965
BUT, DAMN IT, WHEN YOU'RE HERE
I WANT YOU TO MAINTAIN
A PROFESSIONAL VENEER.
1522
01:23:20,034 --> 01:23:22,965
I NEED TO TALK TO JERRY
ABOUT HOW WE'RE GONNA SPIN
THE UNEMPLOYMENT NUMBERS.
1523
01:23:23,034 --> 01:23:26,332
GET MY WIFE ON THE PHONE!
TELL HER I CHANGED MY MIND.
THE BLUE DRESS IS FINE.
1524
01:23:26,400 --> 01:23:29,632
AND I NEED THE BRIEFING
FOR THAT MEETING ON
THE SITUATION IN ARGENTINA!
1525
01:23:34,368 --> 01:23:37,299
I FOUND IT!
I FOUND THE CHEESE!
1526
01:23:37,367 --> 01:23:39,299
OH, BOY! CHEESE!
1527
01:23:39,367 --> 01:23:42,798
[ Laughing ]
I LOVE YOU, CHEESE.
1528
01:23:42,867 --> 01:23:46,799
I DID A LOT OF THINGS,
BUT THE THING I THINK
I'M MOST PROUD OF...
1529
01:23:46,867 --> 01:23:50,099
IS WHEN I VOLUNTEERED
TO ENTERTAIN THE TROOPS.
1530
01:23:50,167 --> 01:23:53,364
- ♪♪ [ Rock ]
- [ Cheering ]
1531
01:23:53,433 --> 01:23:56,765
♪ IF I COULD
TURN BACK TIME ♪
1532
01:23:57,768 --> 01:24:01,831
♪ IF I COULD FIND A WAY ♪
1533
01:24:01,900 --> 01:24:04,098
♪ I'D TAKE BACK ♪
1534
01:24:04,167 --> 01:24:07,298
[ Gasping ]
♪ THOSE WORDS
THAT HURT YOU ♪
1535
01:24:07,367 --> 01:24:09,632
♪ AND YOU'D STAY ♪
1536
01:24:09,701 --> 01:24:12,698
♪ IF I COULD
REACH THE STARS ♪
1537
01:24:14,068 --> 01:24:17,698
♪ I'D GIVE 'EM ALL TO YOU ♪
1538
01:24:17,767 --> 01:24:19,198
[ Shouting ]
1539
01:24:19,267 --> 01:24:21,565
♪ AND YOU'D LOVE ME LOVE ME ♪
1540
01:24:21,634 --> 01:24:26,066
♪ LIKE YOU USED TO DO ♪♪
1541
01:24:26,134 --> 01:24:29,066
AND, STEWIE,
WE ALL KNOW
YOU KEPT BUSY.
1542
01:24:29,133 --> 01:24:31,066
OH, YES,
IT WAS EXHAUSTING,
1543
01:24:31,133 --> 01:24:33,531
BETWEEN SHOOTING FILMS
AND THOSE DAMNED TALK SHOWS.
1544
01:24:33,600 --> 01:24:36,531
[ Audience Laughing, Screaming ]
HEE-HEE!
1545
01:24:36,600 --> 01:24:39,299
HA-HA! HA-HA!
[ Keyboard:
Cymbal Crash ]
1546
01:24:41,000 --> 01:24:45,332
I THINK IT WOULD
HAVE TO BE... DARN.
1547
01:24:45,401 --> 01:24:48,032
[ Laughing ]
[ Audience Applauding ]
1548
01:24:48,101 --> 01:24:50,531
AND WHAT IS
YOUR FAVORITE CURSE WORD?
1549
01:24:50,600 --> 01:24:52,498
LISTEN, CARS AREN'T
DESIGNED FOR WOMEN.
1550
01:24:52,567 --> 01:24:57,299
THE STEERING WHEEL WOULD HAVE
TWO DENTS IN IT. WE BRING
OUR OWN AIR BAGS. RIGHT, GIRLS?
1551
01:24:57,368 --> 01:24:59,298
[ Audience Laughing ]
[ Sighs ]
1552
01:24:59,367 --> 01:25:01,365
ANYBODY
LIKE CHEESECAKE?
1553
01:25:03,801 --> 01:25:06,464
WELL, WE'RE GLAD
TO HAVE YOU
BACK ON THE AIR.
1554
01:25:06,533 --> 01:25:08,799
I'LL LET YOU ALL
ENJOY THE PARTY NOW.
1555
01:25:08,867 --> 01:25:12,465
PETER, IS THERE ANYTHING
ELSE YOU WANT TO SAY?
YEAH, I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY.
1556
01:25:12,534 --> 01:25:14,465
YOU KNOW,
WE KID AROUND A LOT HERE,
1557
01:25:14,534 --> 01:25:16,965
BUT THE TRUTH IS,
WE CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER.
1558
01:25:17,034 --> 01:25:20,365
WE'RE EXCITED TO BE BACK
BECAUSE WE WANT TO ADDRESS
SOME SERIOUS ISSUES.
1559
01:25:20,434 --> 01:25:23,365
YOU KNOW, DO SOMETHING
WE CAN ALL BE PROUD OF.
[ Farts ]
1560
01:25:23,434 --> 01:25:25,598
[ All Laughing ]
PETER!
1561
01:25:25,667 --> 01:25:27,665
[ Laughs ]
STILL GOT IT!
1562
01:25:29,301 --> 01:25:33,065
THAT WAS ME. I USED TO
THINK FLATULENCE WAS
SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT.
1563
01:25:33,134 --> 01:25:36,065
TRUTH IS,
300 MILLION AMERICANS
A DAY...
1564
01:25:36,134 --> 01:25:38,065
EXPEL GAS
THROUGH THEIR ANUS.
1565
01:25:38,134 --> 01:25:40,899
TO LEARN MORE
ABOUT FLATULENCE,
YOU CAN VISIT MY ASS.
1566
01:25:40,967 --> 01:25:44,065
[ Farts ]
[ Laughs ]
JUST YANKIN' YA!
1567
01:25:45,534 --> 01:25:47,598
[ Farts ]
152797
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