All language subtitles for My.Ex-Ex.2015.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

- Patrick, can you please
turn the music down?

- Dude, you need to
take a hit of this.

- Thank you, but that's
not going to happen today.

Finals, remember?

How is it that you
don't have to study?

- I major in drama.

They're like practical exams.

I probably have to act
like a wolf or some shit.

It's not like I'm
taking philosophy, dude.

- Poly-sci.

- My bad.

- What am I taking?

- Is this a trick question?

- No.

Patrick?

What am I taking?

What am I taking? Tell me!

- Come on stop it.

- I'll stop if you tell me,

- Tell you what?

- What am I taking?
- Stop violating me,

I don't know,

I don't know.

That was intense.

- How can you not remember
what your girlfriend

is studying at school?

- I'm in a very mellow place.

Well I think we all need
just to chill the fuck out.

- Sure, why don't we all
just chill the fuck out.

Till the Res advisor
comes by at least.

Maybe this time he
won't guess where all

the smoke is coming from.

- I know right?

He can suck a dick.

- Why don't we let Rob study.

Let's got hit up the library.

- There's plenty of time
to study when we get old,

I say right now we
live in the moment.

- Look, Rob, you gotta
learn how to manage

your time around Patrick.

You know he eats and
then he gets tired,

so he takes a nap,
that's your best

time to get your studying done.

- Oh, nice, so you're
dating an infant.

- It's all part of the package.

- You think anybody gets the
wrong idea about my dong bong?

Come in!

- Dude, hair of the dog
kegger at Kappa Alpha, you in?

- Fuck ya!

Babe, let's hit this kegger,

best way to get our mind off
all this studying bullshit.

- No, babe, look, I think
I really have to study.

- You sure, babe?

- Yeah. Go!

- Let's do this.

- Love you too!

So he's totally going to
grow out of this, right?

- Look at you,
God you look good.

That's right.

I love you.

- I love you too, Ted.

- Rise and shine, hon.

- What time is it?

- It's 5:45, my driver's
picking me up at six.

- It's 5:45 in the morning?

- That's funny.

- I don't have to be
at work till nine.

- Well it must be nice to
work on a lawyer's clock.

I've already showered,
had breakfast,

read all the day's headlines.

I left some toast for
you downstairs and

there's some coffee in the pot.

Don't forget we're having
dinner tonight at eight o'clock.

- Oh God, I told Sandra
and Becky that I'd

get together with them tonight.

Can they come too?

- Um, no. They can't.

We're going to Gaston's.

- Gaston's?

- That's right.

And Sandra won't fit in
on account of her dressing

like a hooker.

- Hey, Sandra's my friend.

- Well that's why
we make new friends.

I don't keep in
touch with anybody

that I grew up with.

Besides, I want it to
be just you and me.

- No investors, no clients?

To what do I owe the privilege?

- Let's just say it'll be a
night you'll never forget.

- I can't wait.

- Great, I'll have Naz
pick you up at 7:30.

Oh, there he is now.

Okay, I'll see you tonight.

Don't be late.

Okay.

- Okay.

I love you.

- He's taking you
to Gaston's, the Gaston's.

- Yeah.

- He's going to propose.

- I mean, I don't
know, it's just dinner.

- I think your pussy's
been committing

crimes on him for
two years and now

he wants to sentence it to life.

- Oh my God, see,
you're disgusting.

Really, no, you should
have been born a boy.

- Two words.

Life experience.

- Okay, if he does
propose to you tonight,

what are you going to say?

- I don't know, I
guess I'd say yes.

- Good for you, you've
wanted to settle

down for a while now.

- What's that's
supposed to mean?

- Well I just mean after Patrick

you're looking for that guy.

- I liked Patrick.

- What do you mean "that" guy?

- You know, has his
shit together, mature.

- Okay, wait, wait,
my dad is mature.

And he also likes to birdwatch.

Is that what you want?

- Okay, no one
likes to birdwatch.

- Yeah, he does.

He actually called me today
about this squawking bir--

- Hey, wait, wait.

Now you guys for real think
he's going to propose?

- Yeah I think you're
as good as engaged.

- Just don't go
ditching us girls now.

- What? No, never.

You guys are amazing,
I love you guys.

- Tell us every detail baby.

- This is a really
nice restaurant.

- Yeah. The best.

- So?

- So?

- What's the special occasion?

I mean I know it's not our
anniversary or anything.

- No.

I just thought you'd
like this place.

- I do, and it's
wonderful, I mean I haven't

tried the food yet but
I'm sure it's amazing.

- The food is excellent.

- Oh, you've been here before.

- Just once.

- Not with me.

- No. Not with you.

- Good evening, my name is
Sefton, it's a pleasure...

- Pleasure's all ours.

- It's a pleasure...

- Of course it is.

- It's a pleasure...

- Why wouldn't it be?

- Good point.

- It's a pleasure to have
you dine with us, again.

Are you celebrating any
special occasion tonight?

- No, Stephan we are not.

- Sefton.

Would you like to start
with some sparkling water?

- Oh, I would love a...

- We'll have a bottle
of the rose, 1940.....

six.

- Six.

- Thank you, Stephan.

- Sefton.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Okay, so the suspense
it's killing me,

it really is.

- What are you talking about?

- I know you brought me
here for a reason, Ted,

and I just, I can't
go the whole dinner

waiting for you to say it.

I can't.

- Wow, you're intuition
is pretty amazing.

How did you guess?

- I mean it's a little obvious.

- Is it?

- Fancy restaurant, middle of
the week, just the two of us.

- Is this chilled?

- Of course, sir.

- It doesn't taste chilled.

- It's chilled, sir.

- It's not chilled enough.

Go ahead and pour.

That's enough.

Thank you, Stephan.

- Sefton.

- What did you like,
get into some sort

of trouble last
time you were here?

- Actually, the last time
I was here I broke up

with my ex.

- Oh, that's a
little morbid, Ted--

- Actually I brought
you here, Mary because

I'm breaking up with you.

- You're breaking, you're
breaking up with me?

- Yes.

- Why?

- Because I don't
love you anymore and

because I found somebody else.

- Oh. Okay.

That's very nice for you.

After, two years.

- Mary, for what it's worth,

I'm really sorry, I really am.

- You're sorry?

- Yes.

- That's bullshit!

- Mary, could you lower
your voice please?

You're embarrassing both of us.

- Am I?

Am I embarrassing, am
I embarrassing him?

I gave you two years and
this is how you end it.

- This is how things
work sometimes, Mary.

Now come on, let's just
have a nice meal and

we'll leave it at that.

Please.

- You want me to have
a nice meal, Ted?

- Yes. Order anything you want.

The duck a l'orange
is fantastic.

- The duck?

- A l'orange. That's
French for orange.

- I'm a fucking vegetarian, Ted!

- Okay, please sit down.

- You know what?

Go fuck yourself!

- Fucking give me that.

- Okay, so this one
time when we had sex

he tried to get me to
play with his asshole.

And that was really
uncomfortable for me.

And, I just wanted to
tell somebody else other

than my therapist.

So.

Enjoy your dinner you all
look, really really happy.

- Never happened.

- Where are you now?

- Are you here for the audition?

- Yeah.

- What part are you trying for?

- Same as you.

- Okay, next up I have Tina
Fung and Patrick Nelson.

- Excuse me, I thought I
was supposed to be doing

another scene with a dude?

- Quickly now, we
don't have all day.

- Fuck!

- Okay, Patrick!

And Tina, how are we?

- Okay.
- Awesome!

- I want miracles, babies.

Basically in this scene
you two are ninjas.

So I just want you
both to show me some

martial arts moves
and then we're done.

And then I'm done.

With you, I mean.

- No, no, no, my
agent told me I had a

scene with a dude, with lines.

I have the script right here.

- I don't know what
your agent told you,

but I've already
cast that scene.

I just need you to do some
karate moves or something.

Okay?

You do know martial arts, right?

- Yeah, that was
like 10 years ago.

- Good, then we'll
start with Tina.

Anytime you're ready, darling.

Wow, excellent!

That was fucking excellent,

double black belt, right Tina?

- That's right.

- Okay, Patrick.

You're up.

- I'm only like a
blue belt and that was

like 10 years ago.

- Anytime you're ready.

- I'll bring it.

Gaa!

Gaw!

Gee-aw!

Haw!

Gee-aw!

Bonsai!

- Okay. Thanks for
coming in Patrick.

We'll be in touch.

- Awesome.

- Did you get
a load of that?

- I said stand still

- laughing

Hey San, what's going on?

- Sounds
like you're crying.

- Nope.

I'm not crying.

Okay, I'm crying, but
it's not because of Ted.

I'm watching The Notepad.

The Notebook. I'm
watching The Notebook.

- Oh, okay.

Well me and Beck
are coming over.

- No, no, no, you really
don't have to do that.

Sandra?

- We've got your keys, bitch.

- We have something to show you.

- What is wrong with you guys?

- Are you balling to
the Three Stooges?

- Jesus, for a hot girl
you look like shit.

- We love you anyway.

- I love you guys too.

- It's okay, come here.

- Fuck men.

We should be lesbians.

- You want to tell
us something Becky?

- No.

- Are you sure?

Because I'm in a really
open place right now.

- No, but...

- Everybody deserves
to be loved.

- Honey,

- I miss Ted.

- Why? He's such a douchebag.

Okay look, look, look.

Psychic Mona Lisa,
spiritual guide,

and she's guaranteed to hook
you back up with your ex.

- No .

- Listen babe, everyone
gets their heart broken.

But you can't flush your
life down the toilet,

just because he's
done shitting on you.

- He shit on you?

- Becky has been talking
about this psychic,

all fucking week, so if
you don't want to be happy,

let's let her feel helpful.

- Yeah?

- I don't want to be happy.

- Okay, let's get
you in the shower.

- Oh my God .

- Oh my God.

- I can not believe I let
you talk me into this.

- I've been expecting you.

- Because you're psychic.

- No because you said you'd
be here in 15 minutes.

- Awesome.

- Please, come in.

Now, which one of
you has come to see

Psychic Mona Lisa?

- I thought she was
supposed to be a psychic.

- It's you, isn't it?

I can tell by your
apprehension to be here.

You don't really believe in
the spiritual domain, do you?

- No, not really.

- Well, tonight Psychic Mona
Lisa will make you a believer.

- So bad.

- Please child.

Cut the deck of
cards, and as you do

think of your ex.

Concentrate on that
person with whom you

want to spiritually
mend your soul with.

Please!

Don't close your eyes.

- What? Will it ruin the effect?

- No, I just find
it terribly cliche.

Very good, darling.

Now, turn the cards
over one at a time.

If the card faces
you the correct way,

the better chances of you
reconnecting with your ex.

Excellent! Positive energy.

- It's bullshit.

Sorry.

- That card weakens the energy.

And now the final card.

Two positive energy cards,

two negative energy cards.

- Is that bad?

- I feel that you will
reconnect with your ex.

And I feel that it
will be shortly.

- Wait, what does that mean?

Like how long, like soon?

Or in a week?

- Well this is not a
perfect science, my dear,

but, I would say within
the next few days

you should expect
a chance encounter.

Thank you for visiting
Psychic Mona Lisa.

That'll be 50 bucks, cash only.

My dear, your ex is
feeling your vibes

even as we speak.

- God, I told you that
psychic was full of it.

I'm never going
to see Ted again.

- She said a few days.

Why don't we give it a few days?

- You know what I
just can't believe

I let you guys talk
me into going there.

- It was just for fun.

- No Sandra, it got my hopes up.

Ugh, sorry, sorry.

Just grab your stupid record
and let's get out of here.

- I predict, you'll kiss my ass.

- Oh, my lips, they're
being inexplicably drawn

toward your buttocks.

- Didn't your mom ever
teach you not to stare?

- I think he still
lives with his mom.

- I got it, let's go.

- Hey!

- Oh my gosh, I'm so
sorry, I was walking

and I didn't see you.

Patrick.

- Mary.

- This is weird.

- Tell me about it,
it's been, I don't know

a billion years.

- Yeah it has been forever.

- You look good.

- Thanks. So do you.

Could you just hold
on for one second,

I'll be right back.

What the fuck is going on
do you see who that is?

- Yeah, it's fucking Patrick.

- Ugh, yeah, it's
fucking Patrick.

I haven't seen him in years.

- I hate to say this, but
he actually looks good.

- Hey!

Why is it fucking Patrick?

- Oh shit, you think
that the psychic,

I mean that Patrick's here...

- This is great, this is
so great, this is great.

- I mean Patrick is your ex.

- So I asked for Ted
and I get Patrick?

- I mean technically
he's your ex ex.

- No. No, no, no, no, no.

- At least we know she's legit.

- Oh my God, no, I can't
even talk to you right now.

- Good, because he
can probably hear you.

- Hi, Sandra.

- Hey, Patrick.

Long time no see.

You still a loser?

- Yeah, you're
obviously still a bitch.

Still a slut too?

- Pretty much.

- Great, good, I'm so glad
we got that out of the way.

Ha!

- She hasn't changed a bit.

- By the way, nice Anvil shirt.

Looks like the same
one you were wearing

the last time I saw you.

10 years ago.

- It's actually not possible.

This is off their new album,
it's called Hope in Hell.

- No one gives a shit.

- What have you been up to?

- Ah, you know, nothing
much, just working away.

- Yeah me too, I got
this corporate gig

I'm in like before
dawn home after dark.

- Wait, are you still
doing that acting thing?

- Yeah, you remembered?

- Yes, I remembered.

I always thought you were
a really great actor.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Maybe I didn't say that enough.

- Well thanks, I
appreciate that.

Listen, I hope this doesn't
come out of left field,

but my buddy's having a
party on Saturday night.

Why don't you come by we'll
have a few drinks, reconnect?

- No, ugh.

- Come on, it'll be fun.

- You know what, okay.

Yeah, yes, I will come.

No strings though.

- Stringless like a maxi pad.

- Oh God.

- Sandra, why don't
you come as well?

- Why don't you sit on this?

- Okay good, well,
here's my card,

um, that's me, there.

- Attorney, huh?

- Next time I get
arrested I know who's

keeping me out of jail.

- I'm a prosecutor actually,
I put people in jail.

- In jail, cool.

I have a card too.

- Oh, hey, there you are.

Oh my God, I didn't
know you had your

truck driver's license.

- Yeah, well my agent
said it could be useful

if I could drive an
18-wheeler if need be.

Anyway, it was good
seeing you again.

- It was really
good to see you too,

- Yeah, okay, hug.

See you at the party?

- Good to see you, Sandra.

Keep your legs closed.

- Right? Hello?

- You asked for your ex,
and you got the wrong one.

- Sandra, this is
terrible, I've gotta

go to that party and everything.

- Why would you do that?

- Because I had
nothing to do and he

said no maxi pad,
he said no strings.

- Okay, well the last
time a guy said that to me

I was biting a pillow
for 45 minutes waiting

for him to blow his load.

- Eh-um.

- Are you still here?

You need to go
back to the psychic

and tell her to fix things.

Because somewhere out
there the guy you're

supposed to be with
is just waiting

for you to put a spell on him.

Okay?

Okay.

- No, baby, I
love the 10-inch heels,

especially when you're
standing next to me,

it's fantastic.

I just mean don't you
have the exact same pair

in the exact same color?

- Yeah, but darling,
completely different designer.

- Mary?

- Hey, hi.

- Wow, what are doing here?

- Well, Ted, last time I
checked this was a public

place so I was just doing
a little, public shopping.

- So was I.

- Yeah.

- It's good to see you.

- Hm-mmm. Really good
to see you too, Ted.

- Oh, Mary this is Natasha.

Natasha, Mary.

- You work with Ted in office?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, honey, no.

Mary's a great lawyer.

Actually she's one of the best.

- This is amazing.
I need lawyer.

- Oh, I'm not that
kind of lawyer,

I don't do immigration.

- I think you've run up my
visas enough already, right?

- Actually, I do know a
guy, he's a bit expensive,

but I am sure that your
sweetheart over there

is going to totally
help you out with that.

- Thank you!

- That's very
generous of you, Mary.

- I'm a kind person,
what can I say?

- I don't have lots
of friend here,

so maybe one day
we could get drunk.

- She
means get a drink.

Get a drink, one
day, right, honey?

- No, we get drunk.

- Okay.

- Is good?

- Yeah, you know what?

You guys just make
the cutest couple,

I have this meeting,
I'm super late.

- You dropped a few
things by the way.

- Skirt's really tight.

Ooo, that's not mine.

Okay, I'm good.

Good luck with the rest
of your awesome life.

Good. Okay. See you later.

- She says we make
the cute couple.

- I know what she said,

no more booze for you.

- Wait, you're comparing
Blind Melon to Nirvana?

- Uh, yeah because
Shannon Hoon was way

more talented that Kurt Cobain.

Plus I can't respect a
dude who fucking blows his

head off with a shotgun.

- Shannon Hoon died too.

- Accidental OD,
little different.

I can respect that.

- Oh my God, you are
seriously fucked in the head.

Kurt Cobain for a fact,
fact, was amazing.

- Yeah I'm going to have to
agree with Nips on this one.

- Do you have to call
me Nips, seriously?

- Still sensitive about that?

- Yeah, I'm fucking
sensitive about it.

- No shit, have you
seen his nipples?

They're like pepperonis,
like real milkers,

- Yeah, funny.

- Totally, you could make a
bucket of yogurt no problem.

You could feed an entire
small country with

his breast milk, for years.

- It's just that he's
sensitive about it.

- At least I can
grow pubic hair.

Least I can grow pubic hair!

- That's a medical
condition, it's

totally different.

- Got the penis of
a nine-year-old boy.

- How would you know
what a nine-year-old

boy's penis looks like?

- That is irrelevant.

- Is it irrelevant?

- Yes.

- Okay.

- Call the police.

- On another note, guys,

I actually ran into
Mary yesterday.

- College Mary?

- Yeah. She looked fucking good.

- Sorry, man.

- Dude, that must
have been horrible.

You okay? Do you need a hug?

- I could do it, I
don't usually but...

Last time you saw
her man she just

ripped your heart out.

- Ripped it out.

You were in your
house locked up. days.

- Days

- Days.

- Weeks almost.

- Sat with you, held
you, I held you like

you were my baby.

The tears, do you
remember the tears,

because I remember the tears.

- I remember em now.

- Remember we put
diaper on you at one point.

- Remember that day?

- Yeah, that was so gross.

- It was like suicide watch.

You were crying
and masturbating.

- And we were like,
we're in your room

why are you doing that,
you're masturbating

with us right there.
- Stop, stop!

- She's actually coming
to the frat party.

- Fuck off!

- I'm serious.

- That is awesome.

- Dude, amazing.

Does she have any friends?

- I need to see you.

- Do I know you?

- Okay, no, cut the shit.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

I'm Mary. I was in
here the other day

I wished for my ex back?

- Not ringing a bell.

- My ex. Ted.

- Still not hearing it.

Right, Mary.

It's all coming back
to me now, darling.

What can I do you for?

- When I came in here
last time I asked

you to reconnect me
with my ex, right?

- Sure.

- Ted.

- How'd that work out for ya?

- Well, I ran into somebody
but it wasn't my ex,

it was my ex ex.

- What the hell are
you talking about?

- I ran into my old
boyfriend from college.

- That's excellent news.

Tell your friends about me.

- What? No! What
is wrong with you?

This didn't work, okay?

The wrong one asked me out and

the right one is
with another woman,

what is so good about that?

- I don't exactly know
how the universe works,

- Awesome

- but I do know this.

There's a reason
you ran into your

ex ex after all this time.

- Yeah. Because you fucked up.

- Maybe.

But maybe that's your destiny,

and maybe my fuckup
wasn't a fuckup at all.

- I know which guy I love, okay?

- That's my Harvey.

He's no fucking
prize, I'll tell 'ya.

There's no guarantees in life,

but if you're meant to
be with Ted it'll happen.

- What about Patrick?

- Who?

- My ex ex, Patrick.

- Ah, just ignore him.

I'm sure he'll let it go.

- He invited me to a party

- You sent the
universe mixed signals,

and you come here telling
me I fucked this up?

- Okay, I had nothing to do,
it was on a Saturday night,

- Oh this is no
good, no good at all.

- I don't know what
to do, what do I do?

- If you're absolutely
certain you want

this man out of
your life forever,

there's only one way
to break the spell.

You've gotta break his heart.

- Patrick?

- Let him move on.

It's the only way.

- I just don't think I
can do that to him again.

- Want a beer?

- Do you have some?

- Here, it's on me.

- Sweet right?

- Um, hi, hello.

- What do you think?

- Um, it's cozy.

- Yeah, totally.

- Yeah.

- Dude, you made it.

- Of course, man.

- How's it going, man?

- Good. This is Mary.

- Hi.

- Hi, welcome, get in here.

- Thank you, hi.

I baked these for you.

- Dude, did you
make hash brownies?

- No.

- Guys, Patrick's bitch
made hash brownies!

- No, no, there's
no drugs in them.

I'm an attorney, I wouldn't
bake anything with drugs.

- All right so listen, there
are kegs in the kitchen,

weed on the table and
we still have at least

eight hours to get
supremely fucked up!

- Sounds
like a plan to me bro.

- Okay, I'll see
you guys out there.

- So how do you
know these guys again?

- Actually
honorary frat member.

Too old to become a real one.

Sucks.

- I see.

- Let's grab some drinks.

Kegs are in the back.

- Good, yeah.

Think I'm going to need one.

Sorry.

- Keg party is generally
reserved for college kids,

but it shouldn't be, I mean
from a cost standpoint,

it's actually really
a cheap way to party.

- Yeah, I'm just going to
trust your math on that one.

- Oh, here's a brew for
you and one for your bitch.

- She's not my bitch.

- You're here with
someone else's bitch?

- I'm trying to impress
this girl, okay?

She's not like us.

She's like high class.

- Shit, yeah, I got you.

Yo, Mary.

See that freshman, he just
got circumcised today.

Yeah, he got this rash
from these skeezy chick

and they had to
top his cheese off.

What up?

Yo Mary, you should
know that we all really

look up to Pattycake over here.

You know he could drive an
18-wheeler if he had to.

- Yeah, I know.

I saw it on his business card.

- Oh, that card is so dope!

- I like that card.

- Card's so dope. Yeah.

Um, so Jim, what are
you studying in school?

- Pre-law, but rapping's
my real passion,

whichever one comes first.

Actually you know what?

Here, check this floor
right here all right.

- I'll kick it with you.

- Yeah, cool man.

- Yo yo yo Mary
made me hash brownies

I'm gonna eat them when
I smoke those trees

Hopefully this shit will
bring me to my knees

Because my flow is
dangerous like some

What what?

Disease!

Yeah, that's what I'm
talking about man.

- You're great.

- Thanks.

- Mary's a very
successful attorney.

- Oh, no not really.

- No shit?

Can I ask you something?

- Sure.

- So if I was traveling
like tomorrow and I got

like three hits
of Ecstasy on me,

would I got to jail
if I got caught?

- Are you going
somewhere tomorrow, Jim?

- How'd you know that?

- Yeah, 100% you will
go to jail and I would

be the first to prosecute you.

- Fuck.

Okay, cool.

Well, hey, thank
you, nice meeting you

holy shit.

- Travel safe.

- Yo, dude, ixnay
on the extasnay.

- Oh man, he's a charmer.

- Think you
scared him straight.

- Damn girl, what'd you
put in these brownies B?

- Cocoa, sugar, flour, why?

- Because we're so fucked up!

Yo me and my boys are
trippin' on this shit.

Yo I'm seein' lights, dog.

- Those hash brownies
contain a high-powered

LSD called purple haze.

You're going to be up for
like three or four nights.

- Yo everything's
so clear to me,

like I'm surrounded
by clarity, you know,

like it all makes sense, dog.

- That is the power
of the purple haze.

- What up!

Yo yo yo, this shit's laced

with purple glaze mother fucker!

Purple glaze!

- Bottom's up!

- Bottom's up!

- What do you say?

- Make love to me my wolf man?

- Yes, that's my girl.

That's my girl.

Oh. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Howl at that moon.

That's right.

Come on.

Hmm.

Ha.

Ho.

Mmm.

Ah.

Oh.

Oh!

- You good?

- Is good.

- Back pocket, you ready?

- The furthest one?

- Are you ready for
this? Because I'm good.

- I don't think you're
going to get it.

- I'm so good I'm closing
my eyes, ready, one two

Did it go? I heard it.

- Not even close.

- Woo!

I am a married man,
I am a married man.

- I am a single man,
I am a single man.

- Is it bad that I took Viagra?

- Yes! What?

Way too early,
what are you doing?

Way too early for that.

- I didn't know.

- You gotta time it right, man.

What are you doing?

You do it right before.

- I thought you meant
right before the party.

- No, no, right
before you do it.

What are you thinking?

You're going to walk around
here with a huge tent.

- Hopefully.

- No!

Ah!

Do you have anymore?

- Yeah.

Shit dude, I'm on the clock.

- Yeah, go go.

- Hey, we used to party here.

What's the difference between
a boner and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari!

- Dude, you gotta play it cool.

- What is wrong with you?

Panoramic man.

You shooting a whole video or

spank bank here?

- Yeah ABSB, always
be spankbanking.

- Always be spankbanking.

- Down and up.

- Yeah, you're right.

- Panther show. Selfie!

We're just taking a
selfie, konnichiwa!

- Of you.

- We'll see you later.

- What are you two
perverts doing here?

- That's real nice, Sandra.

It's been what
three, four years?

Maybe a little, hey,
how you guys doing?

Nice to see you.

- You think we're perverts
just cause we're filming

someone for masturbation?

That's stupid.

- Okay, yeah. Well I'm just
here to support my friend

because I really
don't trust her around

these little college
grease balls.

- Ease up, man. She's
here with Patrick.

- Yeah, she's with
fucking Patrick.

- Yeah I trust him
even less than the

frat house grease balls.

- Funny you mention that
because all I remember

you doing for four years
was greasing college balls.

- That's what I'm talking about.

What was your name in college
again, do you remember?

- I remember.

- Yeah, what?

- Football gobbler.

- Football gobbler!

- Just like the Cookie
Monster with testicles

instead of cookies.

Crumbs of testicles.

- Yeah.

- Oh that reminds me,
the university called

they want all their sperm back.

- Because you sucked it
out of all the balls.

- Yeah.

- It's funnier
when I explain it.

- T is for testicles
and testicles are...

- Are you here looking
for your kids or?

- Are you looking
for your kids balls?

- Oh, no! What are you doing?

Stop talking about
kids balls ever!

- It just came out.

- I'm worried about you.

Seriously.

- I'm sorry, it came out.

- Don't say that, ever.

What is it with you
and kid's balls.

- Okay.

- We'll drink later.

I like her.

- She's great.
- Yeah.

- Sandra. Total whore.

- Oh see, it was good.

See she's good, she's
better than you.

Oh my God, you made it, hi!

- Yeah, hi.

- Oh my God, look who it is.

- Sandra, I didn't
think you'd show.

- She's like a
little cherub because

she's so cute with her cheeks.

- Okay, yeah.

Okay this party fucking blows,

we need to go.

- But I'm having such a
good time, you will too.

- Are you serious?

- What?

- These kids blow
in like two minutes,

it's not worth my time.

- Nathan and Rob are coming.

- The pedophiles? In the foyer?

- Sandra, okay, just
come for one hour

and have one drink and
if you're not having

a really really good
time in an hour then

we'll totally go
home, I promise.

- Did someone say shots?

- Hey bro.

- Finally, some service.

- Jim, I see you met
the cock juggler.

- Sorry, my friend,
he meant thunder cunt.

- I'm sure there's a happy
medium there somewhere.

- Cock
juggling thunder cunt!

- Rob, I see your
Viagra's kicked in,

did you pass by an
elementary school?

- That's not funny!

Dude, Patrick, that's
not fucking funny.

- I told you not to
bring up the kid's balls.

- Why would you have to, did
you say something to her?

- Stop talking
about kid's balls.

- Yo, yo, guys get in here,
grab a shot, let's go.

- To the 30-somethings!

- To
the 30-somethings!

- I'm 21.

- Seriously? Question for you,

what are you watching
for porn these days?

- Oh yeah, weirdest thing.

I masturbate so much
I ran out of jizz.

I just, I can't finish, yeah.

- What the fuck
you talking, what?

- Yeah I finish and my
dick just goes .

- It coughs.

- What?

- It's like a turtle gagging.

- It's like a
broken, I don't know.

making it hotter

- Look what we got here?

- Good.

- Here we go.

- Hello.

- We should play a game.

- Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- Charades!

- Hit us with something
good, not too easy.

Oh shit, I've seen this.

Striptease.

- Showgirls?

- It is Showgirls!

Get the fuck out,
get the fuck out

get the fuck out!

Gimme a second.

Get the fuck out.

- Is this still charades?

- Yeah, get the fuck out.

Get the fuck out!

- I don't understand
what's happening.

- Get outta here!

- I should go.

- Oh yeah.

Okay, okay.

What are you doing?

- Relax, I got this.

- Get off, get out of here!

- No, you get the fuck out.

- Fucking get outta here!

- Sorry.

- I feel you, I feel
you, I feel you.

- Don't look at me!

You look that way.

- Oh God.

Oh God.

- I'm okay, I'm okay.

- Okay, we can do this.

Okay, yeah, that will work.

Oh that smells.

Keep going, I can fight
it, I can fight it.

- Oh shit.

- Patrick Nelson
investor relations.

Huh-uh, I don't know
about an amazing job

but I'm definitely getting
that stock to climb.

I'm pumping it, it's like
a roller coaster ride,

you gotta go up
before you go down.

Then you go down, what
are you doing dad?

- At the office it's Mr. Nelson.

- Nice to meet you Mr. Nelson.

My name is also Mr. Nelson.

- No, you'll go by your
first and middle name

around here.

I don't want everyone to
think I hired you because

of our familial relationship.

You got that, Patrick Michael?

- Mr. Nelson, don't you
think that big picture

of me behind your
desk gives it away?

- Don't be a smart ass,
I have to treat you

like all the other employees.

Mind you, if I treated
you like all the other

employees you
would have been out

on your ass three months ago.

- I get it.

- Probably wouldn't have
hired you in the first place.

- Said I got it.

- You gotta pump
those phone calls.

- Look, I gotta a
lot of work to do,

so if you don't mind?

- Did you get that life
insurance policy done yet?

- Yeah, I got it but
I don't know why.

I have no wife, no kids.

It's a three million dollar
policy and you've got

me as a beneficiary.

I said I got it, are you
trying to kill me or something?

- The way you've
been drinking I'm

going to cash in within a year,

no I'm not trying to
kill you, I love you kid,

just get some fucking work done.

Mr. Michael.

- Mr. Nelson, will do.

- I'm loving this place.

So romantic.

- Hmm.

- You take many girlfriend here?

- Every one.

- So I am girlfriend now!

- Natasha,
we've only been

together for two weeks.

- What is point?

- That's 14 days.

Never mind. It's fine.

Have some bread.

- Excuses me.

- It's fine.

- I'll come back once
you've had a chance

to look over the menus.

Or whatever it is
that you do here, sir.

- Thank you, Gustavo.

- Sefton.

- He's rude.

- There's a lot of
issues going on there.

- Cheersies!

- It's cheers.

Cheers.

Before we do that, there's
something I'd like to tell you.

Put the glass down.

- I do something wrong again.

- Well, yes, but
that's not the point.

It really doesn't matter.

The reason I asked
you out here has to

do with our relationship.

- Oh, Ted! You asking
me to marry you?

- Excuse me?

- Because I say da, da, da!

I mean, I'm sorry, darling,

I say yes, yes, yes,
a thousand times yes!

- It's not a proposal,
she's making a mistake.

It's not a proposal,
stop clapping.

It's not a proposal.

What is wrong with you?

- I thought you want marry me.

- Natasha, I wouldn't
marry you if you were

the last woman on this planet.

You're as dumb as a brick
and have zero opinions.

It took me meeting
someone as painful to

be with as you to
realize what I had.

Because Mary was smart.

She could communicate.

Can you spell that?

Not many people can.

Two m's.

What I'm trying to say is,
I'm breaking up with you.

No, no no, Natasha.

We are different people.

I'm a fifth generation Rosen.

I'm a legacy.

You know, Donald
Trump, Ted Rosen.

You're a cocktail waitress,

you get tips for
having great tits.

Jesus.

Oh wow, perfect timing.

- Thank you, sir.

- You're enjoying this,
aren't you?

- No sir.

- You sure about that?

- Yes sir.

- Give me the fucking
thing, I'll do it.

Could you bring
me the check too?

Oh good, there's more.

- When we have sex, he only have

sl-ow sex on top of me.

And he has small penis.

So small.

- Okay, none of that is true.

Stop laughing, sir.

- Okay, so did you
break his heart yet?

- Okay, wait, so
how late are you?

- I told you, like four days.

- What? Oh my God, Sandra.

Four days is
nothing, you're fine.

- I'm never late.

- Who did you do?

- Nathan.

And Rob.

- I thought you
hated Nathan and Rob.

- I do, I can't stand them.

- So you have a
threesome with them.

- All right listen bitch.

I was at a shitty
frat house party,

they were the only
ones even close

to my age and I was
completely fucking wasted,

I really don't see
what the big deal is.

- Ever heard of a condom?

- Shut up.

- You know you two are
supposed to be my friends,

how about some fucking advice?

- Okay, sorry.

It's a lot to take in, okay?

- Like literally, it
is a lot to take in.

Two penises.

Two.

- What you've never been DP'd?

- That's you.

- Double penetration?

- No.

- What about a threesome?

- No.

- I mean I've never,

I haven't had a threesome.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

Okay, everyone has
had a threesome.

- No, not me, you're a freak.

- Whatever.

Until you take one in the
pink and one in the stink,

don't judge me.

- Okay, so just assuming
that you're pregnant,

which you are totally not,

do you know who's it is?

Sandra?

- Okay, if she's pregnant
it's definitely yours, Nips.

- Bullshit!

- How do you know she's preggos?

- She called me.

- Yeah, she called me too, K?

My fucking wife
answered the phone.

This chick is going to
ruin my whole marriage.

- And, why are we here?

- Because Rob and
I are stressed.

I come here all
the time anyways,

but I thought you two could

use a little yoga.

And Ludwig's the best
instructor in town.

- Great call.

- Thank you.
- Respect.

- Why do you think it's Rob's?

- Because I only
fucked her in the ass!

Sorry.

- Rob fucked her in the pussy,

I didn't even touch the front.

- That is bullshit!

- No, it's not bullshit.

- Guess what, Einstein,

everybody knows that
when you're DP-ing a girl

sometimes the jizz
comes out of the ass

and goes into the pussy.

- What?

- That is a fact.

Look it up, look it up.

No, it's science.

- That is not science.

- Yeah, gravity, Isaac Newton.

- A jizz didn't fall on
his head, an apple did.

- Yeah, you're an idiot.

Google, asshole!

- The only way it
could possible happen

is if we were in space.

And then there's no
gravity so it floated up.

There's no fracking way.

It's too viscous, it doesn't
float down the taint.

- Isaac Newton.

- Yeah Isaac Newton
never did a DP

and if he did he would
say science proves a DP

can't make you
pregnant. In the ass.

- You guys Dp'd her?

That's awesome, man.

- Who cares? We're in the middle

of a fucking
pregnancy scare here.

- She's going to
have her period dude,

this happens all the time.

- No, no, I saw this
exact thing on Springer.

She's going to sue
me for child support,

my wife is going to divorce me,

and then guess what?

I get to pay for three
of these little fuckers!

- You are a monster.

- I love my babies, they
mean everything to me.

I will fucking break you!

Yeah, you sit on your
little fucking mat.

- He's very charming.

- Namaste everyone!

I would like us all to look
into our centers today.

I see we have a few
new faces with us.

What are your names?

- My name's Rob, sorry
about the outburst.

- And I'm Patrick.

- Well, Patrick I take
it from your t-shirt

you are referring to
having a large endowment.

- Yeah.

It's just a t-shirt.

- There is plenty of false
advertising in this world.

Proof is in the vision.

As demonstrated
beautifully by Nathan's

impressive girth
in those shorts.

Congratulations, Nathan.

- Thank you.

- Let us continue.

We are all creatures
of toxins, so let us

relieve those poisons today!

Ya?

- Ya.

- Ah, hear the footsteps?

- Yeah.

- Jenny, Jenny, Jenny,

I would like to help
you with your chakra.

Yes, yes, yes, yeah, yeah

oh yeah, okay Jenny.

- Is he supposed
to be doing that?

- Oh yeah, he's a real yoga.

- You're
doing fantastic!

I can feel your center
from across the room

when I watch you.

- Pretty sure that's illegal.

- He did it to me last
week, it was great.

- Ah, good good good good.

- Thank you master Ludwig.

- I would like to
continue the glimpse

I gave you last week into
the tantric art of mugashi.

- Dude, you're
going to love this.

- Gentlemen, into your
mugashi positions please.

- First timers
here, Master Ludwig.

What is mugashi?

- Mugashi is the tantric
art of performing

fellatio on one's self.

- You mean, sucking
your own dick?

- If you must use such
a vulgar term, yes.

Just try to follow
along with an open mind.

- Okay.

You're actually doing it?

- Yeah, why the hell not?

It's not like I'm
getting laid at home.

Shit might come in handy.

- I just wish I was
a squirter so I could

come right back in his face.

I tell him all the
time, neck down.

- Jesus Christ, Becky
this is a public space.

- Remember the guy
who came in my eye?

Squirt!

- See you're a
squirter, do you squirt?

Are you a squirter?

- Oh my God, I need
some new friends.

I really do, you guys are
like a bunch of frat boys.

- Okay could you know
talk about frat boys?

Or frat parties?
Or frat anything?

- Sandra, are you
jerking a frataccino?

- Mary!

Hey.

- Oh my God, what do I do?

- Go talk to him.

- No, you need to walk
away, you gotta walk,

like this, he won't see us.

- I can't do that.

- Yes, you can.
- No--

Go talk to him.

- No!

- I'm just going to
go see what he wants.

- No! No!

- Go, go!

- How've you been?

- Good, I guess.

Good as I can be.

- I'm really sorry
about that, Mary.

I never meant to hurt you.

- God, Ted, such
bullshit and you know it.

- Look I was going through
some of my own stuff, you know?

Work was getting to me.

And to be honest, I was worried
that I didn't deserve you.

Okay and look, things
are going so well

and it scared me.

- You were scared that
things were going so well.

- Look you're not a guy, you
don't understand how we think.

We think that if
things are perfect

then there's got to
be something wrong.

- It's so random
that they just ran

into each other
like this, right?

- Yeah, totally random.

- Wait a minute.

Did you set this up?

- Of course I set this up.

Do you want our best
friend to end up

with a loser like Patrick?

- You know what, Sandra?

You are a bitch.

And just because you're
all dark and lonely inside,

doesn't mean everyone
else has to be, okay?

Go fuck yourself.

And kiss my ass.

- What about that other woman?

- Who? Natasha?

- I don't know if
Natasha's her name

- Babe, that's history.

You're my soulmate.

The one person that
I'm meant to spend

the rest of my life with.

Sometimes it takes
a while for a guy

to realize who he's
meant to be with.

But I'm meant to
be with you, honey.

Come here.

I love you, baby,
I've always loved you.

I made a mistake.

Okay, I made a huge mistake.

- You made a colossal mistake.

- But I want to spend
forever making up for it.

- What the
hell is wrong with you?

- What kind of answer
are you looking for here?

- I just can't believe you
failed so spectacularly.

I mean who gets
rejected for alcoholism?

What are you a
full-blown drunk now?

- I had a few drinks
the night before.

- You can't go out
drinking the night before.

- I only had a few.

- A few?

Your blood alcohol level was .4

- They were doubled.

- And your sample was
a deep yellow color

and had almost lost
its liquid form.

- It was like honey
in the piss cup.

It was really weird, actually.

- They were surprised
you were alive.

- Okay, Mr. Nelson, I'm sorry.

What can I do to
make it up to you?

- You know you sit around
here, dicking around,

all day long.

I ask you to do one
thing. One thing.

And as much as it
pains me to do this,

you're fired.

- Yeah.

- You're fired.

- Check the flow, check the flow

- We'll just need a few minutes.

- Sorry.

Some fancy place.

Check out all the suits,

looks like my dad's
office or some shit.

- Yeah, lot of, finance
people come here.

- I forgot to tell you,
you look beautiful.

- Thank you.

You look really nice.

- Really?

- Hmm-mm.

- Cause I feel like a nerd.

I can't remember the
last time I wore a shirt

with an actual collar.

You know you can
put a blazer over

almost anything and
people actually think
you're dressed up.

- Oh yeah, even
an Anvil t-shirt?

Sorry, I didn't
mean it like that.

- No, I understand.

I mean that well but why
does that define a person?

You're not your fucking khakis!

It's straight from Fight Club.

Awesome flick.

- I don't know what to say.

- Patrick I have
really, really enjoyed

spending time with you again.

- Me too.

I actually think I'm falling
for you all over again.

- That's actually what I
wanted to talk to you about.

I ran into my ex-boyfriend, Ted.

- The guy who broke your heart?

- Yeah, that guy.

It was really weird,
we just kinda bumped

into each other on
the street, and...

- Cool story.

- He said he wanted me back.

He said he'd made a
huge, huge mistake.

- Sounds like he's lonely
and needs to get laid.

- I think he really loves me.

- He dumped your ass
cold after two years,

how can you possibly
think he still loves you?

- Because he gave me this.

- That's on your finger.

- We're going to get married.

- Fuck.

I didn't think this
was going to happen,

but you broke my heart again.

- Patrick, I never
meant to hurt you.

- You know there's
a difference between

saying that and doing it?

- Look you are a great guy.

It's just Ted and I
have so much in common.

- And I'm just a lazy kid
who works for his dad, right?

Maybe I am.

So what?

I can improve.

But Ted will always
be an asshole.

- Patrick

- I want you to be
happy, I mean that.

refusing to grow up

about finding love

fucked up in his ways

there'll be better days

cause he's a fucking prick

and hides a tiny dick

gotta go your own way

going to lead you astray

- Yo, marry a girl named
Mary, that's trippy dog.

- Yah

- Shit.

- What do you think about
the first day of spring?

I mean the leaves are
out, birds are chirping.

Ted?

Ted?

Ted?

- What?

Jesus Christ, Mary,
I'm working here.

- First day of spring?

- What about it?

- To get married.

- It's not going to work for me.

I have a huge
conference around then,

I can't miss it, sorry.

- Ted, this is really
important to me.

- What?

- I said this is
important to me.

I want our wedding
day to be special.

- Baby, I love you.

But I really don't
have time to deal

with this right now, okay?

I've gotta prep for tomorrow.

- Don't you want
it to be special?

- Of course I want
it to be special.

But honey, this wedding
stuff is your area.

Just clear the cost with
me and I'll be good.

But I can't do spring,
even with the birds

chirping and everything else.

Tell you what, why
don't we do it sooner?

I mean there's no
point in waiting any

longer than we have to, right?

- Okay.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Okay, sooner.

- Good.

We'll do it sooner.

Look how happy you are.

Eh? That didn't take a lot.

- They go
really well together.

- Together?

- Hey, yo Mary!

- Hey! Jim, right?

- Yeah.

This is my girl, Tracy.

- Hi, nice to meet you.

- This is Ted,
Ted is my fiancee.

- Oh yo, that's why
Patrick's so bummed.

- Who's Patrick?

- Oh, Patrick he's,
he's just a friend.

- Oh, great.

So real, real nice
place you got here.

Right?

So tell me some
things, Jim, right?

- Yeah.

- What do you want to
do with your life, Jim?

I mean other than sitting
on the front porch

and you know.

Right?

I saw that.

- As I told Mary earlier,
I'm actually in pre-law,

but you know, rapping's
my real passion.

You know dropping a beat?

- No shit?

For real?

- Yeah he's good.

- Break it down for
me Marshall Mathers,

what do you got?
How's your flow?

- Should I do it?

- Should you do it?

Of course he should, Mary?

- I've got a little thing
I've been working on.

- Give us some Flavor Flav.

room my gun on my hip

hard, starting to trip

bang bang boom

lights up the room

And then yo, check
it, the chorus is real

- Bring it, bring it, yeah yeah.

nothing else to say

- Yeah!

- You're very good.

- It's kinda like
a work in progress.

- Yeah. I can tell.

Can I be honest with you bro?

- Yeah, please man.

- That was terrible.

- Seriously, Ted?

- Yeah I haven't really
been at it that long.

- Just keeping it real,
I'm just keeping it real.

I gotta tell you something, bro.

Stick to school, honestly.

Because this rap thing,
it's not your forte.

Even with Nicki Minaj?

- That's enough.

- No, no, Mary.

Oh shit, Mary if you
want to stick around with

this high school musical
that's your prerogative, but uh

- Yo, Mary.

Can I talk to you
alone for a second?

- Sure.

- Hey, yo biggie,
peace out, right?

Keeping it real, in the hood,

Bloods and Crips.
- Great, thank you.

- Actually I've got a little
rap for you, all right?

Here we go I'm going
to drop it for you.

that Mary shouldn't follow

load his mom shoulda swallowed

- Oh!

- How do you like those beats?

- That's pretty
good, that's not bad.

Wait a second.

Oh, what is that?

That's the sound of your
career, which is non-existent.

- Get out of here!

- I'm going to get the car

- See you later big man.

- I am so sorry about
Ted, he has been under

a lot of stress.

- You should respect
your neighbors and

clean this shit up, just saying.

- You know what,
he's so nervous when

he meets new
people, and it looks

like arrogance but
he's just being funny.

- It's about Patrick, okay.

Like we haven't
seen him in weeks.

I mean he says he's
improving his life but

- Mary, where
are we parked?

- It's around the
block, remember we walked?

- Like any day now.

- So Patrick,

- Yeah.

- Maybe you kinda
broke his heart?

- Yes, that might have been me.

- Where the fuck did we park?

- Ted, shut up!

- Well where is it?

- He's not the kind of guy
to ever talk about chicks,

but after he bumped
into you he would not

stop talking about you.

- Really?

- I thought you should
know that before you

go get hitched to Johnny
Pinstripe over there

who's using you as a slam piece.

- Ted and I are really in
love, it's just our rapport

with each other, we're
actually getting married,

on the weekend.

So, we're excited about that.

- All right then.

- Hey, look, it was
really nice to see you,

and good luck with
school, I'm so happy.

- We're actually
getting married on the weekend

on the weekend

on the weekend

- Fuck!

- Oh yeah, just
sitting on the stairs,

nothing's going on

Oh, yeah, you don't
like the look of me.

Come on, Jesus Christ.

What?

Fuck!

Okay, look, I'll
get there soon I'm

doing something.

Okay, bye.

All right, ooo.

- Can you get that please, Anna?

- Ay ya, you get it!

- Anna I am trying
to make a soup here,

can you please get that?

- Hah! Hello?

What?

He's a busy Jim.

- Hang on a
second, I'll get it.

I'll get it.

- You can talk
on the phone after!

- What?

- Fuck!

- Yeah I can be there in 20.

- Where
do you think you're going?

- I was just joking,
I was just joking

I've got soup, I
wouldn't go anywhere.

I won't go.

- Ugh.

- I'll be there in 20.

- Master Ludwig?

Master Ludwig?

Master Ludwig!

Master Ludwig!

- Nathan, my son, relax!

What troubles you?

- Come with me please,
Patrick needs us.

- Oh, well if my
finest pupil needs me,

of course I will be there.

Just, help me to clean up.

Will you pass me a towel?

- Seems like you could
probably just grab it yourself.

It's right there.

- Nathan, come on
after all this time

come on, come on.

Nathan.

- Sure.

- Nathan.

Good boy.

Let's go shall we?

- You want to put some pants on?

- Nei, nei, nei.

- What?

She can't be getting
married today

she just got engaged.

- You were so close
to climbing back

in Mary's pussy man.

- Aw, she's a sweet ass.

- Yeah that's right.

- What the fuck is
wrong with you two?

- I'm just trying
to encourage him.

- Encourage him to what?

- This is the plan.

We're all going to crash
Mary's fucking wedding.

- Yeah.

- We?

- We have about four hours
to kill before the ceremony.

Go hit a pub, get up
some liquid courage.

Crash that fucking church.

- Fucking A, I'm
your soldier man.

Gotta drive till we die.

- Have you lost your mind?

I can't just go crash a wedding.

My wife thinks I'm still in
the washroom taking a shit.

It's only a matter of time
before she picks the lock

and sees I've climbed
out the back window.

- No.

You sure as hell can go.

Look our boy Patrick is
in love with this woman.

Doesn't matter that he
procrastinated until

the very end to try and
stop Mary's wedding.

He's putting his
heart out there.

He's going to do something
usually reserved just

for shitty movies, he's going
to crash a fucking wedding.

And all of us are going
to do everything we can

to back this guy up, okay?

- Thanks buddy.

- Yeah.

- I appreciate that.

- Whatever, because if we
go now we have time for

six, maybe seven, eight

- Ten?

- Ten beers before we
leave for the church.

- Maybe we can just buy a
keg or something, you know.

- 20 bucks each.

- Yeah, I feel that.

- Economically feasible.

- Okay. Yeah.

What if Mary hates you
for the rest of her life

for ruining her wedding day?

- Fuck.

- I don't know, but I know
if I don't do this today

I'm going to regret this
for the rest of my life.

- I support you my brother.

- Tight, thanks Ludwig.

- I'm in.

I'm not going to do
that thing, but I'm in.

- Got your back, buddy.

- Thanks, I know you do.

- Rob?

I've known you my whole life.

Remember the time on
the school bus when

you had that wet fart?

And I didn't tell
anybody even though

you smelled like
pure and utter shit?

And do you remember
how I even let you

borrow my sweater to
wrap around your waist

to cover up the shit stain?

- Yeah.

I do.

Obviously I wish you
hadn't shared that with

the whole group right now.

But I'll never forget what
you did for me that day.

Covered up my shit.

- Yeah, and I would again.

Because you're my
brother and I love you.

This is my wet fart.

Can you cover up my shit for me?

Can you do that for me,
can you cover up my shit?

- My brother, it
would be an honor.

My wife can't just
tell me what to do.

I'm going to tell her
she can kiss my ass.

Shit! She must have heard me!

Shut the fuck up.

Hey, honey.

Yeah everything's fine in here,

just a little backed up.

See, nothing's coming out.

Okay.

I love you.

Okay.

Holy shit.

Guess what boys,
looks like we got

a mother fucking
wedding to crash!

- Let's roll.

- Woo!

- Ladies, guess what time it is?

- I have to make it does
the aisle, remember?

- Most women wait until
after their married

to let themselves go,
but I say why wait?

Cheers to that!

- Well, at least
you're not pregnant.

- Nathan] Can this
car go any faster?

The gas pedal's on the right.

- The car is
starting to shake,

I'm pretty sure this
is as fast as it goes.

- This car is
old but it's reliable.

- It may be reliable,
but it still needs gas.

- Are you trying
to blame this on me?

This was your idea.

- No, this
car's a piece of shit.

- Fuck!

- I can't believe
you're getting married.

Who is it?

- It's me, Ted.

- Oh my God, what are
you doing here, sweetie?

What's going on?

- Something wrong?

- Yeah, something's
wrong it's bad luck

to see the bride
before the wedding!

- Shit come on, please please,

if I believed in luck
I wouldn't be doing

so well in the market.

- Oh my God, can you
just go five minutes

without talking business?

- No.

Ladies, can I have a minute
alone with the bride to be?

Please?

- Yeah, she's all yours.

- Oh, hold that for you?

Okay, okay, okay.

Woo, shabbat shalom.

Look, I may talk
business all the time,

but that's just who I am.

Okay?

There's car guys,
there's music guys,

I just happen to be a money guy.

Besides, I think it
complements your flakiness.

- Excuse me?

- Well you can be
a little bit flaky.

Nothing against you,
it's just who you are.

Which is why I came in
here to remind you of a few

things from the rehearsal.

- I'm not flaky.

- Honey, no offense.

- You came in here to
remind me of the rehearsal

that I organized?

Oh, and not to be flaky, and
your response is no offense.

- Yeah. Did I do
something wrong?

- What did you want to
tell me again, sweetheart?

- Okay, basically I have to
lower the veil to symbolize

you're no longer
approachable, it's you know,

Jewish tradition.

- Yes, Ted, I know.

I remember, and I totally will.

- Good.

Oh, hello handsome.

Oh, and don't forget to
just make sure that you

come out on time, okay?

I don't want the
guests to be offended.

- Oh, don't worry
honey, I wouldn't dream

of offending our guests
on our wedding day.

- Is that sarcasm?

- Is there anything else?

- There's some serious
players out there.

- I'm sorry, Ted what was the
thing about the veil again?

I forget!

- Please don't
embarrass me today.

Okay?

- No, Ted, it's not okay.

I have been waiting a really
long time for this day

and I am not going to
spend it playing politics

with your associates.

- Mary. You're
acting like a brat.

- Oh is that how you treat
your soulmate on your

wedding day, Ted?

- Mary, come on.

- Seriously, when you
first told me that I was

your soulmate, I
thought it was cheesy.

And I know it took you a
really long time to realize

what you finally wanted with me,

but I totally get it now.

- You do?

- I do.

- Great. Perfect.

I'll see you out there then.

On time.

Perfect. Bye!

- What do we do now?

- Dude, I'm way
too stoned to walk.

- The church is only
five miles away.

- Have you ever
actually run five miles?

- I'm up to three
miles on the treadmill.

- Hey that's a treadmill
this is a highway in the sun

wearing a suit.

- Yeah, don't forget
the dress shoes.

- There is no support in those.

- It's the hard heels.

- The arch will collapse.

- Tendonitis in the knees,
I've had it for years

because of dress shoes.

- Okay we can all
focus on the negative,

but I'm going to do this.

Right, Ludwig?

- Dude,
you got no shot.

- Okay, I love you all,
but I have to leave.

Like right now.

- Go get her, buddy.

- Go for it buddy.

- Clap him out
boys, clap him out

- You got this
man, you got this.

For love

- Respect that.

He is so fucked.

- He's going to die.

- Oh yeah, that ain't
gonna work, at all.

- He's going to get
run over by a car

is what's going to happen.

- A hundy P.

The worst part about
this is that we're going

to have to now plan his funeral.

I hate it.

- I have such a busy week.

- He's going to die.

- Actually, this is
a little awkward,

can I borrow your shirt?

- What?

- I'm about to give
birth to a cornback

rattler over here, all
right, I'm touching cloth

I need to lay the
cable, can I please just

borrow your shirt?

- You want to shit on my shirt?

- No dude, I don't want
to shit on your shirt,

that's stupid, I need
it to floss, you know?

- Oh, well in that case, no!

You can't use my
shirt as toilet paper.

- Come on, I teach
you wipe-less method.

- Is this strange that I
kind of want to watch this?

- I've gotta phone.

- Sideways, sideways.

- Sideways.

for a girl like you

a girl like you

into the darkest day

into eyes so true

with a girl like you

- Hey Patrick!

Patrick!

- Mary?

- What are you doing?

- I was jogging.

- Oh.

Come over here for a sec.

- Think you can come here?

I'm just a little tired.

- Okay.

Hey.

You okay?

- Too much cardio.

- Look, Patrick I gotta
tell you something okay?

- Don't say anything.

Just let me catch my breath.

Look, I know you're in love,

but I know he can't love
you as much as I do.

And he know he
won't care for you

the way that I will.

Look, I'm growing up Mary.

Look at this.

This is from my
real estate course.

Now granted I've
only passed stage one

and it's by far
the easiest stage,

but I'm really trying.

I know crashing a
wedding's really cliche

and I didn't even
make it there on time,

but if you take me back,

I'll make you the happiest
woman in the world.

- Patrick I said no.

- I know you did.

I just thought I'd
give it another shot.

Have a great life.

- Said no, to Ted.

- What?

- We didn't get married.

- I don't understand.

- I was just so consumed with
living this fantasy life,

I never saw who he really was.

And then you came
back and I felt things

that I haven't felt in years.

I felt like me again.

And i know I broke your heart.

- Twice.

- But I can't stop
thinking about that

rock and roll guy
who's young at heart

and never stopped loving me.

- I want to be a rock
and roll guy, maybe,

otherwise it sounds
just like me.

I missed you.

- I missed you too.

You want a ride?

- I don't think I can jog.

- Come on.

- Woo! Yo, bro!

Can't say I didn't cover
up your wet fart now!

Ha ha! He's sucking
his own dick!

- What was that about?

- It's a long story.

We got plenty of
time to catch up.

- Oh God, please don't
say something lame

like for the rest of our lives.

- Fuck no, I'm hungry.

Let's go eat.

- Get on.

- All right.

All right.

for a girl like you

story of Pat and Mary

undiscovered but meant to be

deny that love was so wrong

all sing the same song

there'll be better days

in all that purple glaze

shoot and be true to you

- Yo, in the end, we're all
just looking for the real thing.

- Hmm-mm.

- All that glitters ain't gold.

Just look at our fucking bling.

- Yah

about a rapper named Jim

- Yo, whoa, hold up
a second, all right?

All right.

You know I set them up.

- Yeah

- You know i guess I did that,
you know what I'm sayin'?

Yeah yeah

Okay good, we done now?

Fuck.

No, don't be like that B.

back, I never did that

crack, I never did that

stacks, I never did that

yeah I guess I did that

back, I never did that

rules, I never did that

game, I never did that

breeze, I guess I did that

game, I never did that

flame, I never did that

game, I never did that

I guess I did that

defeat, I never did that

restraint, I never did that

deny, I never did that

yeah I guess I did that

if there's no amends

we never did that

Let's bring him back.

cry, I never did that

no thing, I never did that

shit, I never did that

clutch, yeah I fucking did that

lash, I never did that

dopin', I never did that

space, I never did that

yeah I guess I do that

most, I never did that

fit, I never did that

go, I never do that

spade, of course I do that

if there's no amends

we never did that

let's bring him back

creep, I never do that

I never been that

it can never be that

I never want that

thing, I never do that

I never want that

think about that