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1
00:00:12,667 --> 00:00:15,767
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
2
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,700
- I AIN'T SCARED
OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.
3
00:00:26,700 --> 00:00:29,470
I'M GONNA TELL YOU
SOMETHING STAY OUT THE MOTHERFUCKIN' PRESS.
4
00:00:29,467 --> 00:00:31,997
I AIN'T COMING FROM
NO FOOLISHNESS.
5
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,070
IN NEW YORK, GOD DAMMIT,
YOU MOTHERFUCKIN' WOMEN LOOK GOOD.
6
00:00:35,066 --> 00:00:37,326
Y'ALL LIKE A PICK OF THE DAY
SANDWICH--LOOK GOOD.
7
00:00:37,333 --> 00:00:39,973
'CAUSE I LOVE SEX.
I LOVE IT!
8
00:00:39,967 --> 00:00:41,627
I CAN'T DO SHIT NO MORE.
9
00:00:41,633 --> 00:00:43,003
AND I'M BLESSED.
10
00:00:45,233 --> 00:00:47,303
[WOMEN SCREAM]
11
00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:49,830
- I'M BIG-BONEDED.
12
00:00:49,834 --> 00:00:52,004
I'M HEAVY STRUCTURED.
13
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:55,530
I'M HUNG LOW.
IF I PULL MY SHIT OUT, THIS WHOLE ROOM GET DARK.
14
00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:56,803
KICK IT!
15
00:01:01,166 --> 00:01:03,226
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
16
00:01:03,233 --> 00:01:05,403
I AIN'T SCARED OF
YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.
17
00:01:10,133 --> 00:01:11,773
- ♪ DEF COMEDY JAM! ♪
18
00:01:11,767 --> 00:01:14,127
- IT'S THE "RUSSELL SIMMONS'
DEF COMEDY JAM"
19
00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:17,603
WITH YOUR HOST
D.L. HUGHLEY.
20
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:22,270
TONIGHT'S GUESTS--
DAMON JUNIOR,
21
00:01:22,266 --> 00:01:24,526
VINCENT OSHANA,
22
00:01:24,533 --> 00:01:27,233
GINA YASHERE,
23
00:01:27,233 --> 00:01:29,503
AND CAPONE!
24
00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:34,000
I AM YOUR MAN--THE WORLD'S
GREATEST DEEJAY--THE KID CAPRI!
25
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,330
AND THIS IS COMEDY AT ITS BEST.
26
00:01:36,333 --> 00:01:41,633
LET'S GET IT ON WITH
YOUR HOST D.L. HUGHLEY!
27
00:01:45,467 --> 00:01:47,997
- ALL RIGHT, NOW,
HOW Y'ALL DOING?
28
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:49,170
[CHEERING]
29
00:01:49,166 --> 00:01:51,966
ONE MORE TIME.
KID CAPRI.
30
00:01:52,967 --> 00:01:55,397
WHAT UP, MAN?
31
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,730
THAT MOTHERFUCKER GOT ON
A RED LEATHER, MEMBER'S ONLY.
32
00:01:57,734 --> 00:01:59,604
AIN'T THAT A BITCH.
33
00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:02,000
SHIT IN THE NEWS IS
MESSIN' ME UP, MAN.
34
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,570
LIKE, THIS IMMIGRATION THING.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, MAN.
35
00:02:04,567 --> 00:02:06,967
YOU KNOW PEOPLE IS FUCKED UP,
'CAUSE THIS WHOLE COUNTRY WAS BUILT ON IMMIGRANTS.
36
00:02:06,967 --> 00:02:09,767
EVERYBODY IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER
TOOK A BOAT,
37
00:02:09,767 --> 00:02:11,197
AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND
THAT SHIT.
38
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,630
YOU GONNA CHANGE THAT--
AND ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
39
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:16,433
TRIED TO GET ON THE
"WE SHOULD CLOSE THE BORDERS TO ALL FOREIGNERS."
40
00:02:16,433 --> 00:02:18,833
YEAH, AND WE'LL START WITH
AUSTRIA, YOU SON OF A BITCH.
41
00:02:18,834 --> 00:02:21,234
EVERYBODY ALWAYS WANT TO CLOSE
THE BORDER WHEN THEY GET IN.
42
00:02:21,233 --> 00:02:23,303
I DIDN'T CLOSE IT!
43
00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:25,470
EVERYBODY'S RUNNING
FOR FUCKIN' PRESIDENT.
44
00:02:25,467 --> 00:02:28,197
WE GOT A WOMAN, A BLACK MAN,
AND A MORMON.
45
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:34,670
SOUND LIKE I'M GETTING READY
TO TELL A GODDAMN BAR JOKE, DON'T IT?
46
00:02:34,667 --> 00:02:37,267
THEN WE GOT BARACK OBAMA'S
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT,
47
00:02:37,266 --> 00:02:40,026
AND THE COUNTRY'S ASKING
THE QUESTION--THAT'S TRUE--
48
00:02:40,033 --> 00:02:42,203
THAT'S TRUE--
[APPLAUSE]
49
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:46,330
AND THE COUNTRY'S ASKING
THE QUESTION: ARE WE REALLY READY FOR A BLACK PRESIDENT?
50
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:53,373
AFTER THE MOTHERFUCKER WE GOT,
COME ON, NOW!
51
00:02:53,567 --> 00:02:54,867
HOW BAD CAN WE FUCK UP?
52
00:02:54,867 --> 00:02:57,867
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, STEAL
AN ELECTION, START A WAR,
53
00:02:57,867 --> 00:03:01,527
GIVE OUR FRIENDS JOBS WE KNOW
THEY AIN'T QUALIFIED FOR?
54
00:03:01,533 --> 00:03:04,673
THAT SHIT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE.
55
00:03:04,667 --> 00:03:07,067
IF WE GET A BLACK PRESIDENT,
56
00:03:07,066 --> 00:03:08,726
Y'ALL GET READY FOR QUESTIONS
AT THE WHITE HOUSE
57
00:03:08,734 --> 00:03:10,534
YOU AIN'T NEVER HEARD BEFORE.
58
00:03:10,533 --> 00:03:15,703
"MR. PRESIDENT, ARE YOU BURNING
INCENSE IN HERE?"
59
00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:19,730
"MR. PRESIDENT, AIR FORCE ONE
IS YOUR PLANE NOT YOUR SHOES.
60
00:03:19,734 --> 00:03:21,934
"JESUS CHRIST!
61
00:03:27,133 --> 00:03:30,173
"CHICKEN AGAIN,
MR. PRESIDENT?
62
00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:36,170
"MR. PRESIDENT, YOUR WIFE JUST
ASKED FOR A HOT COMB.
63
00:03:36,166 --> 00:03:38,396
"NO ONE HERE KNOWS
WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS.
64
00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:45,300
"WE ASKED CONDOLEEZZA, BUT SHE
SAID SHE DOESN'T USE HERS.
65
00:03:51,834 --> 00:03:57,204
"MR. PRESIDENT, ARE YOU GONNA
GET SLEEPY AFTER EVERY SINGLE MEAL, JESUS CHRIST.
66
00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:03,900
"NO ONE HERE KNOWS WHAT
ITIS IS, SHIT!
67
00:04:03,900 --> 00:04:08,770
"MR. PRESIDENT, THE FIRST
LADY IS ASLEEP AND SECURE IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM,
68
00:04:08,767 --> 00:04:10,767
"BUT THERE'S A WOMAN
CLAIMING TO BE YOUR
69
00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:13,527
BABY MAMA AT THE BACK GATE,
MR. PRESIDENT."
70
00:04:13,533 --> 00:04:15,603
Y'ALL READY TO KEEP
THIS THING GOING?
71
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,030
[CHEERING]
72
00:04:18,033 --> 00:04:21,473
ALL RIGHT. COMEDY DEFINITELY
RUNS IN THIS MAN'S FAMILY.
73
00:04:21,467 --> 00:04:22,797
HERE HE IS--
IN LIVING COLOR--
74
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,400
GIVE IT UP FOR DAMON JUNIOR!
75
00:04:33,767 --> 00:04:37,267
- WHAT UP? DEF JAM MAKE
SOME NOISE!
76
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,930
YEAH!
77
00:04:41,934 --> 00:04:46,134
I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.
I'M HAPPY TO BE ALIVE, Y'ALL.
78
00:04:46,133 --> 00:04:49,903
THIS WORLD IS GETTING CRAZIER
AND CRAZIER EVERY FUCKIN' DAY.
79
00:04:49,900 --> 00:04:52,970
RIGHT? LIKE, THERE'S
A NEW DISEASE ALMOST EVERY YEAR, RIGHT?
80
00:04:52,967 --> 00:04:56,897
LIKE BY SOME TYPE OF ANIMAL.
LIKE WHAT HAPPENED TO BIRD FLU?
81
00:04:56,900 --> 00:04:58,770
REMEMBER BIRD FLU?
82
00:04:58,767 --> 00:05:01,827
IT HIT, BUT LIKE NOBODY
GOT SICK AND SHIT.
83
00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:03,904
LIKE, REMEMBER THAT?
84
00:05:03,900 --> 00:05:05,770
AND, AS A BROTHER, THAT KIND OF
PISSED ME OFF,
85
00:05:05,767 --> 00:05:08,427
'CAUSE THAT WAS GONNA BE
MY NEW EXCUSE TO CALL IN SICK FROM WORK.
86
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:11,373
AND LIKE, YOU KNOW,
LIKE I HAD IT ALL PLANNED OUT.
87
00:05:11,367 --> 00:05:14,627
GONNA, YOU KNOW, NOT FEEL LIKE
GOING TO WORK, CALL THE BOSS UP,
88
00:05:14,633 --> 00:05:17,903
LIKE, "YO. HEY, LISTEN, MAN.
LET ME TALK TO THE BOSS.
89
00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:21,030
"YEAH, WHAT'S UP? HEY, LISTEN,
I'M NOT COMING IN TODAY.
90
00:05:21,033 --> 00:05:26,203
"YEAH. I GOT IT.
THAT BIRD FLU.
91
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:29,100
"HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
[COUGH, CAW]
92
00:05:29,100 --> 00:05:31,400
"ALL RIGHT, I'M BACK.
93
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,700
"YEAH. YEAH. IT'S PRETTY BAD,
MAN. IT'S PRETTY...
94
00:05:34,700 --> 00:05:37,170
"IT'S PRETTY BAD.
IT'S IN MY CHEST AND EVERY--
95
00:05:37,166 --> 00:05:39,666
[CAWS]
96
00:05:39,667 --> 00:05:41,727
"NAW, I AIN'T COMING IN, MAN.
NAW. THE WHOLE--
97
00:05:41,734 --> 00:05:44,274
"I'VE BEEN SHITTING ON
WINDSHIELDS ALL DAY, SON!
98
00:05:44,266 --> 00:05:47,826
"I AIN'T COMING IN.
I'VE BEEN MOLTING.
99
00:05:47,834 --> 00:05:50,404
AND I'VE BEEN WALKING
LIKE A FUCKIN' PIGEON."
100
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,930
I FEEL SO BAD FOR PIGEONS.
YOU EVER WATCH PIGEONS?
101
00:05:52,934 --> 00:05:56,434
THEY CAN'T--THEY HAVE TO MOVE
THEIR HEADS EVERY STEP
102
00:05:56,433 --> 00:05:58,273
OF THE FUCKING...
103
00:05:58,266 --> 00:06:04,126
IMAGINE A LIFETIME OF JUST
SON OF A BITCH!
104
00:06:04,133 --> 00:06:08,403
FOR YOUR LEGS TO MOVE,
THEY HAVE TO...
105
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,000
THAT'D BE SOME GOOD HEAD,
THOUGH, RIGHT?
106
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,300
LIKE PIGEON HEAD?
OH, MY...
107
00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:16,170
[COOING]
108
00:06:25,867 --> 00:06:28,327
PUT SOME BLACK GIRL LIPS
ON THAT PIGEON.
109
00:06:28,333 --> 00:06:31,433
JUST, AW SHIT!
SOME FANTASIA LIPS?
110
00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,033
FANTASIA LIPS?
OH, SHIT!
111
00:06:33,033 --> 00:06:34,833
[COOING]
112
00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:45,500
EVERY NIGGA, EVERY DUDE IN HERE
WILL TRY IT ONCE,
113
00:06:45,500 --> 00:06:48,900
AT LEAST ONCE, JUST ONCE.
"MMM. BIRD.
114
00:06:48,900 --> 00:06:51,000
"CAN YOU [TRILLING TONGUE]
ON MY BALLS?
115
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,400
I LIKE WHEN YOU [TRILLS]
ON MY BALLS."
116
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:56,470
[BIRD FLUTTERING]
117
00:07:02,333 --> 00:07:05,803
I'VE BEEN WATCHING, LIKE,
A LOT OF PORNO LATELY.
118
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,770
AND LIKE, YOU KNOW IT GOT
A BAD REP,
119
00:07:07,767 --> 00:07:09,867
BUT PORNO'S LIKE
THERAPEUTIC, RIGHT, FELLAS?
120
00:07:09,867 --> 00:07:12,497
IT'S THERAPEUTIC.
THAT SHIT IS TIGHT.
121
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:15,030
BUT FELLAS, DON'T YOU HATE THIS?
122
00:07:15,033 --> 00:07:17,303
DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU BE
WATCHING PORNO, RIGHT?
123
00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:19,100
I KNOW EVERY--DON'T YOU HATE
WHEN YOU WATCHING IT,
124
00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:20,430
YOU SITTING THERE, RIGHT,
125
00:07:20,433 --> 00:07:23,303
AND YOU JERKING OFF,
IT'S FEELING REAL GOOD, RIGHT,
126
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:25,570
IT'S FEELING GREAT, AND LIKE,
RIGHT WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO COME
127
00:07:25,567 --> 00:07:27,597
IT CUTS TO THAT BOY BUTT ANGLE
WITH JUST THE MAN ASS
128
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,300
AND THE BALLS?
129
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:32,270
IT'S JUST A CLOSEUP OF BOY BUTT
AND BALLS AND SHIT.
130
00:07:32,266 --> 00:07:34,526
AND NO DUDE WANTS TO COME
TO THAT PART,
131
00:07:34,533 --> 00:07:37,203
SO WE ALWAYS WAIT.
WE'RE ALWAYS LIKE...
132
00:07:51,834 --> 00:07:54,274
'CAUSE ALL YOU SEE IS THIS.
JUST...HAH!
133
00:08:07,166 --> 00:08:09,996
WE JUST WAIT.
WE'RE LIKE...
134
00:08:18,133 --> 00:08:21,103
THERE'S ALWAYS LINT.
THERE'S ALWAYS FUCKING LINT.
135
00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:29,100
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE DOING
"DEF JAM" IN L.A.
136
00:08:29,100 --> 00:08:35,570
YO, THIS SHIT IS DA BOMB.
L.A. OW!
137
00:08:35,767 --> 00:08:38,167
L.A. IS THE LAND OF
THE FUCKING GANGSTERS.
138
00:08:38,166 --> 00:08:40,096
LIKE, IT'S JUST GANGSTERS,
THUGS, LOVE THAT SHIT.
139
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:42,730
BUT MY ONLY THING
WITH GANGSTERS.
140
00:08:42,734 --> 00:08:45,574
IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE
A GANGSTER, BE A GANGSTER AT ALL TIMES.
141
00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:49,167
YOU KNOW? LIKE, BE A GANGSTER
24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK.
142
00:08:49,166 --> 00:08:53,626
GANGSTA. YOU KNOW, THERE
SHOULD BE NO GAPS IN YOUR GANGSTA AND SHIT, ALL RIGHT?
143
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:57,373
LIKE, THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS
I THINK THAT GANGSTERS SHOULD JUST NEVER DO.
144
00:08:57,367 --> 00:09:00,167
I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.
I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET TO GET SOME FOOD THE OTHER DAY.
145
00:09:00,166 --> 00:09:02,596
AND THIS DUDE WAS TRYING
TO MAD-DOG ME,
146
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,270
BUT HE WAS SUCKING ON A POPSICLE
AT THE SAME TIME.
147
00:09:05,266 --> 00:09:07,826
SO IT WAS LIKE KIND OF HARD
FOR ME TO TAKE HIM--
148
00:09:07,834 --> 00:09:09,274
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU CAN'T MAD-DOG ME
149
00:09:09,266 --> 00:09:12,066
WITH A BIG STICK
IN YOUR MOUTH, YOU KNOW?
150
00:09:12,066 --> 00:09:14,496
HE WASN'T EVEN BITING OR
NOTHING, JUST...
151
00:09:22,567 --> 00:09:25,397
"FUCK THIS NIGGA
LOOKING AT, HOMEY?
152
00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:29,330
"AW, CUZ!
153
00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:32,600
"BRAIN FREEZE, CUZ.
154
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,130
ANOTHER THING.
155
00:09:36,133 --> 00:09:38,433
IF YOU A GANGSTA, THERE
ARE CERTAIN WAYS YOU SHOULD TALK ON THE PHONE.
156
00:09:38,433 --> 00:09:40,833
IF YOU A GANGSTA, TALK
ON THE PHONE LIKE A GANGSTA, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
157
00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:43,234
LIKE A THUG.
JUST HARD TALKING.
158
00:09:43,233 --> 00:09:46,633
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE "ALL RIGHT, YOU READY TO GET THIS, NIGGA?
159
00:09:46,633 --> 00:09:48,773
"YEAH. I GOT THE HEAT.
LET'S SMASH ON THESE NIGGAS.
160
00:09:48,767 --> 00:09:49,867
LET'S DO THIS!"
161
00:09:49,867 --> 00:09:51,667
THAT'S GANGSTA,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
162
00:09:51,667 --> 00:09:54,297
YOU ARE NOT A GANGSTA IF YOU
TALK ON THE PHONE LIKE THIS:
163
00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:57,270
"HELLO?
164
00:09:57,266 --> 00:10:00,396
"YEAH, I KILLED THAT NIGGA.
165
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,130
"NAW, NIGGA WAS ACTING LIKE
A STRAY BITCH.
166
00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:04,433
"I HAD TO DO THAT SHIT.
167
00:10:04,433 --> 00:10:06,573
"TOOK HIS WILD ASS...
168
00:10:06,567 --> 00:10:09,997
"SHOWED EVERYTHING, NIGGA.
169
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,830
"YEAH, I GOT SHOES ON
RIGHT NOW, CUZ.
170
00:10:14,834 --> 00:10:16,874
"ALL RIGHT,
I'M GONNA HOLLER AT YOU.
171
00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:19,467
"YOU HANG UP FIRST, CUZ.
172
00:10:20,633 --> 00:10:24,933
"ALL RIGHT, SAME TIME.
1, 2, 3.
173
00:10:24,934 --> 00:10:28,334
I STILL HEAR YOU BREATHING, CUZ.
YOU TRIPPIN'!"
174
00:10:28,333 --> 00:10:31,173
I'M DAMON JUNIOR.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
175
00:10:41,967 --> 00:10:43,827
- DAMON JUNIOR!
176
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,666
ALL RIGHT, THIS CAT IS
ONE OF THE YOUNG GUNS IN THE COMEDY GAME.
177
00:10:52,667 --> 00:10:56,667
FROM YONKERS, NEW YORK,
PUT IT TOGETHER FOR VINCENT OSHANA!
178
00:11:02,033 --> 00:11:03,873
- WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL?
179
00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:08,334
WHAT UP, MIDDLE EASTERNERS,
MAKE SOME NOISE. WHERE YOU AT?
180
00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:10,373
SECURITY. SECURITY.
RIGHT THE FUCK THERE.
181
00:11:10,367 --> 00:11:12,327
AND TWO RIGHT THERE.
182
00:11:13,533 --> 00:11:16,403
YOU SEE THAT? EYEBROW.
ONE EYEBROW RIGHT THERE.
183
00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:22,300
I'M BUGGIN' OUT.
I'M MIDDLE EASTERN.
184
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:25,100
BUT I'M MAD BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE
GOD, OUT OF ALL THE MINORITIES,
185
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:27,730
GOD HOOKED US UP THE LEAST.
YOU FEEL ME?
186
00:11:27,734 --> 00:11:31,134
LIKE, WE'RE THE HAIRIEST
FUCKING PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.
187
00:11:31,133 --> 00:11:33,073
AND EVEN IF YOU THINK OF ANIMALS
188
00:11:33,066 --> 00:11:34,596
THAT REPRESENT PEOPLE'S
CULTURES,
189
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,100
WE GOT THE WORST ONE--
YOU FEEL ME?
190
00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:38,430
LIKE, BLACK PEOPLE.
GOD HOOKED Y'ALL UP. YOU GOT THE LION.
191
00:11:38,433 --> 00:11:39,903
KING OF THE JUNGLE, RIGHT?
192
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,400
ANYBODY ELSE? ASIANS?
Y'ALL GET A FUCKING DRAGON.
193
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,370
SPITS FIRE.
194
00:11:44,367 --> 00:11:46,967
YOU THINK OF US,
FUCKING CAMEL.
195
00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:50,367
IS THAT THE UGLIEST ANIMAL
IN THE WORLD--
196
00:11:50,367 --> 00:11:51,967
JUST HUMPS FOR NO REASON
AND SHIT?
197
00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:56,467
JUST ARRGH! [SPITS]
SPITTING AT PEOPLE AND SHIT.
198
00:11:56,467 --> 00:11:58,127
AND WHAT A LAZY ANIMAL.
199
00:11:58,133 --> 00:12:00,333
THAT CAMEL'S THE ONLY ANIMAL
THAT YOU'LL BE RIDING
200
00:12:00,333 --> 00:12:03,303
AND IN MID-WALK, THE
MOTHERFUCKERS JUST GIVE UP.
201
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,930
A LOT OF CHANGES
IN MY LIFE THIS YEAR.
202
00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:18,974
I STOPPED WATCHING
BLACK PORN THIS YEAR.
203
00:12:18,967 --> 00:12:20,997
FINISHED THAT SHIT.
204
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,470
Y'ALL RUINED
MY FUCKING LIFE.
205
00:12:23,467 --> 00:12:26,867
FOR REAL. 'CAUSE BROTHERS,
YOU OWN A LOT OF PORNOS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
206
00:12:26,867 --> 00:12:28,697
AND I WAS WATCHING SO MUCH OF IT
THAT I WAS MEMORIZING SHIT
207
00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:31,230
THAT THEY WERE SAYING
IN THE PORNO
208
00:12:31,233 --> 00:12:33,633
SUBCONSCIOUSLY, AND IT
SLIPPED OUT IN MY SEX LIFE.
209
00:12:33,633 --> 00:12:35,533
SOME EMBARRASSING SHIT.
210
00:12:35,533 --> 00:12:37,803
I WAS JUST TEARING THIS GIRL UP
DOGGY STYLE, JUST KILLING IT,
211
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,900
LIKE JUST WRECKING,
SHE WAS LIKE, "AHH, AHH."
212
00:12:39,900 --> 00:12:42,400
I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, YOU LIKE
THAT BIG BLACK DICK?"
213
00:12:53,233 --> 00:12:56,603
HER FACE WAS FUCKIN'...
SHE WAS LIKE "AHH. WHAT?"
214
00:12:58,233 --> 00:13:00,433
BUT I DIDN'T SLIP UP.
I WAS LIKE "ROLE PLAY, BITCH.
215
00:13:00,433 --> 00:13:03,503
YOU ALWAYS WANT TO ROLE PLAY.
ROLE PLAY. I'M BLACK. FUCK IT."
216
00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:07,170
AND SHE WAS LIKE, "YEAH.
GIVE ME THAT BLACK DICK."
217
00:13:07,166 --> 00:13:09,866
AND I WAS IN FULL BLACK GUY
CHARACTER.
218
00:13:09,867 --> 00:13:13,527
I WAS BUTT NAKED,
BUT I HAD WHITE SOCKS ON ALL THE WAY UP TO HERE.
219
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,930
WITH A FITTED HAT,
WITH A FITTED HAT
220
00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:29,734
AND A WATCH FOR NO REASON.
JUST "HEY, GIRL."
221
00:13:29,734 --> 00:13:36,634
AND A WATCH FOR NO REASON.
JUST "HEY, GIRL."
222
00:13:36,834 --> 00:13:38,804
MY FATHER PASSED AWAY
7 YEARS AGO OF CANCER.
223
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:40,830
ON HIS DEATHBED, HE WAS LIKE,
"VINNY, YOU'RE THE MAN
224
00:13:40,834 --> 00:13:42,304
"OF THE HOUSE, TAKE CARE OF
YOUR MOTHER, YOUR BROTHER,
225
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:43,470
YOUR SISTER, YOU'RE THE MAN
OF THE HOUSE."
226
00:13:43,467 --> 00:13:45,167
AND AT THAT MOMENT IT HIT ME.
I'M LIKE, "DAMN!
227
00:13:45,166 --> 00:13:47,066
LIKE IF SOMEBODY DIES
IN FRONT OF YOU,
228
00:13:47,066 --> 00:13:49,826
LIKE, WHATEVER THE HELL THEY
SAY, YOU'LL REMEMBER THAT SHIT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
229
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:51,174
YOU FEEL ME?
230
00:13:51,166 --> 00:13:52,666
LIKE, YOU CAN'T HELP IT.
HE COULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING.
231
00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:54,227
HE COULD HAVE BEEN LIKE,
"PEANUT BUTTER."
232
00:13:54,233 --> 00:13:56,603
I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK
IS HE TALKING...?"
233
00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:58,630
SO AT THAT MOMENT
IT HIT ME. I WAS LIKE,
234
00:13:58,633 --> 00:14:00,033
I CANNOT WAIT
FOR THAT DAY FOR ME.
235
00:14:00,033 --> 00:14:01,803
I'M ABOUT TO DIE,
AND EVERYBODY'S SURROUNDED
236
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,400
AROUND ME, LIKE TRYING
TO HEAR WHAT THE HELL I'M GONNA SAY LAST.
237
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,830
I'M A COMIC. MY DEATH IS GONNA
BE A COMEDIC MYSTERY.
238
00:14:06,834 --> 00:14:10,204
IF AT LIKE A PICNIC,
OR I GET HIT BY A BUS, I'M ABOUT TO DIE AND SHIT.
239
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:11,970
EVERYBODY'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD."
I'M LIKE, "EVERYBODY, COME HERE.
240
00:14:11,967 --> 00:14:16,197
"MOM, EVERYBODY, GET CLOSE.
LISTEN. I GOT TO TELL Y'ALL SOMETHING.
241
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,370
I LEFT $10,000
UNDER THE..."
242
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,530
YOU KNOW MOTHERFUCKERS
BE LIKE, "WHAT?"
243
00:14:38,533 --> 00:14:40,773
MY DREAM AS A KID WAS
TO BE A MAGICIAN.
244
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:42,827
LIKE, THE FACT THAT I SAW
THAT THEY HAD THAT POWER
245
00:14:42,834 --> 00:14:44,534
TO MAKE SHIT DISAPPEAR.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH IT.
246
00:14:44,533 --> 00:14:46,703
AND LIKE, MY FAVORITE MAGICIAN
OF TODAY IS DAVID BLAINE.
247
00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:49,300
Y'ALL KNOW WHO--
DAVID BLAINE, THE DUDE WITH LONG HAIR.
248
00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:51,430
IN THE INTERVIEW, HE TOLD
THE INTERVIEWER,
249
00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:53,333
HE WAS LIKE, "I PRACTICE MAGIC
24 HOURS A DAY."
250
00:14:53,333 --> 00:14:55,673
HE'S LIKE, "I'M ALWAYS
PRACTICING MAGIC TO BE THIS GREAT."
251
00:14:55,667 --> 00:14:57,667
I THOUGHT ABOUT IT. IS DAVID
BLAINE REALLY THAT DUDE?
252
00:14:57,667 --> 00:15:01,067
LIKE, IS HE PRACTICING MAGIC...
LIKE EVEN IF HE'S IN BED,
253
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:03,466
LET'S SAY HAVING SEX
WITH HIS GIRL?
254
00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:05,697
IS HE PRACTICING TRICKS
AND SHIT, LIKE, IN THERE?
255
00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:07,700
LIKE, IS DAVID BLAINE HITTING
OFF HIS GIRL, HE'S LIKE,
256
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:10,130
HE'S ABOUT TO ORGASM.
HE'S LIKE, "OH, SHIT.
257
00:15:10,133 --> 00:15:12,303
GIRL, IT'S ABOUT TO BE
MAGIC TIME."
258
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:14,730
RIGHT WHEN HE'S ABOUT
TO ORGASM,
259
00:15:14,734 --> 00:15:16,734
HE'S LIKE, "OH, SHIT.
YOU READY? YOU READY?
260
00:15:16,734 --> 00:15:18,504
"HERE IT IS.
261
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:19,930
WHERE IS IT?"
262
00:15:29,066 --> 00:15:30,966
AND SHE'S PUTTING ON HER JEANS.
SHE'S LIKE,
263
00:15:30,967 --> 00:15:32,797
"DAVID, DON'T DO THIS SHIT.
I'M NOT ON THE PILL.
264
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:34,670
YOU WEREN'T WEARING A CONDOM.
WHERE IS IT?"
265
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,397
HE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.
266
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,600
LOOK IN YOUR JEAN POCKETS."
SHE'S LIKE...
267
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:41,770
"FUCKING DAVID BLAINE.
YOU MOTHERFUCKER."
268
00:15:45,433 --> 00:15:49,703
AND I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS:
WHAT IF DAVID BLAINE FORGOT TO SHUT THAT POWER OFF, RIGHT?
269
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:52,130
IT'S THE NEXT DAY, HIS
GIRLFRIEND'S AT WORK AND SHIT.
270
00:15:52,133 --> 00:15:54,773
DAVID BLAINE'S AT HOME
JUST JERKING OFF,
271
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:55,867
AND WHEN HE NUTS,
IT DISAPPEARS AGAIN.
272
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:58,167
HE'S JUST LIKE,
"MAGIC TIME. OHH!
273
00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:02,370
"OH, SHIT. THIS BITCH IS GONNA
COME HOME, FIND IT,
274
00:16:02,367 --> 00:16:04,027
AND FUCKING KILL ME."
275
00:16:04,033 --> 00:16:06,203
AND THE PHONE RINGS,
AND IT'S HIS GIRL AT WORK,
276
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,630
AND SHE'S LIKE [MUMBLING] "DAVE,
YOU'RE A FUCKIN' ASSHOLE."
277
00:16:08,633 --> 00:16:11,073
MY NAME'S VINCENT OSHANA.
GOD BLESS YOU.
278
00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:25,966
- Y'ALL GIVE IT UP TO MY MAN,
VINCENT. VERY FUNNY DUDE.
279
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,170
MOTHERFUCKER LOOK LIKE
VIN DIESEL, DON'T HE?
280
00:16:34,166 --> 00:16:36,166
GOD DAMN! I WAS LIKE...
281
00:16:36,166 --> 00:16:40,226
OH, SHIT. THAT "PACIFIER" WAS A
ROUGH MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT THERE.
282
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:43,103
ALL RIGHT, THIS YOUNG LADY
HAILS FROM LONDON.
283
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:46,030
GIVE IT UP FOR GINA YASHERE.
284
00:16:52,033 --> 00:16:54,603
- HEY, "DEF JAM LOS ANGELES,"
HOW ARE WE DOING?"
285
00:16:55,834 --> 00:16:57,604
YES. I KNOW YOU'RE
LOOKING AT ME FUNNY.
286
00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:01,270
I'M THE FIRST BRITISH COMIC
ON "DEF COMEDY JAM."
287
00:17:01,266 --> 00:17:03,896
CLAP IT UP.
CLAP IT UP. YEAH.
288
00:17:06,934 --> 00:17:09,704
YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
THERE WAS BLACK PEOPLE IN ENGLAND, DID YOU?
289
00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:13,400
THERE'S BLACK PEOPLE IN ENGLAND.
THERE'S MILLIONS OF US.
290
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:17,800
WE ARE EVERYWHERE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
291
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,470
WHEREVER THE WHITE PEOPLE GO,
WE FOLLOW THEIR ASSES.
292
00:17:20,467 --> 00:17:23,667
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED
293
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:26,097
MY MUM FOLLOWED THE WHITE PEOPLE
FROM NIGERIA, WEST AFRICA.
294
00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:29,270
- WHOO. NIGER!
- YEAH. TO ENGLAND.
295
00:17:29,266 --> 00:17:32,296
SHE'S LIKE, "YES. YES.
MR. WHITE MAN, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME HERE IN AFRICA.
296
00:17:32,300 --> 00:17:35,400
"I'M COMING WITH YOU.
I'M COMING.
297
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,070
"OH, YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME
HERE. THIS IS BULLSHIT.
298
00:17:38,066 --> 00:17:40,026
I'M LEAVING."
299
00:17:40,033 --> 00:17:44,103
BUT PEOPLE KEEP SAYING TO ME
THAT MY ACCENT IS CUTE.
300
00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:47,470
I DON'T WANT TO BE CUTE.
301
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:49,497
I WANT TO BE GHETTO.
302
00:17:51,734 --> 00:17:54,734
ARGH! ARGH!
303
00:17:54,734 --> 00:17:56,134
I THOUGHT I'D TRY IT, RIGHT?
304
00:17:56,133 --> 00:17:58,203
I SAW A GUY STANDING ON
A STREET CORNER.
305
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:02,800
BAGGY PANTS, BASEBALL CAP
WITH THE LABEL STILL ON IT.
306
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,230
I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL
THAT IS FASHIONABLE, BUT IT IS.
307
00:18:05,233 --> 00:18:08,233
AND I WENT UP TO HIM,
308
00:18:08,233 --> 00:18:11,703
I WENT, "HEY, WHAT'S POPPIN',
MOTHERFUCKER? G-UNIT."
309
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:23,670
YEAH. HE TOOK MY WATCH.
310
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:33,030
BUT WE GET ALL THE SAME TV SHOWS
AS YOU GUYS DO.
311
00:18:33,033 --> 00:18:37,233
OH, YEAH. WE GET "CRIBS."
WE GET "MTV CRIBS." YEAH.
312
00:18:37,233 --> 00:18:41,603
CRIBS! EVERY RAPPER HAS GOT
THE SAME STORY, HAVEN'T THEY?
313
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,630
THEY'RE ALL FROM THE HOOD,
AREN'T THEY?
314
00:18:43,633 --> 00:18:46,973
THEY'RE ALL FROM THE HOOD.
THEY'RE ALL FROM THE GHETTO.
315
00:18:46,967 --> 00:18:54,267
IS THE GHETTO THAT BIG?
IS IT?
316
00:18:54,266 --> 00:18:56,766
EVERY SINGLE RAPPER,
"YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER, YEAH!
317
00:18:56,767 --> 00:18:58,997
"BITCH! FUCK YOU, MAN!
I'M FROM THE HOOD, BITCH!
318
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,000
"YEAH, BITCH! FUCK YOU,
MOTHERFUCKER, YEAH.
319
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,370
"I'M FROM THE STREETS, MAN.
YEAH! YEAH!
320
00:19:03,367 --> 00:19:07,767
"I WAS IN PRISON 30 YEARS,
AND I'M 28. THAT'S RIGHT, BITCH!
321
00:19:07,767 --> 00:19:12,697
YEAH, YEAH, BITCH. YEAH!"
322
00:19:12,700 --> 00:19:19,070
AND THEN YOU GO INTO
THEIR HOUSES, AND THEY'VE GOT CHANDELIERS.
323
00:19:23,967 --> 00:19:26,967
THAT'S NOT GHETTO!
THAT'S NOT HOOD.
324
00:19:26,967 --> 00:19:28,327
THEY'RE HYPOCRITES.
325
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:30,333
"YEAH, BITCH, YEAH.
I'M FROM THE HOOD.
326
00:19:30,333 --> 00:19:32,833
"MOTHERFUCKER, YEAH, BITCH.
YEAH. FROM THE STREETS, MAN.
327
00:19:32,834 --> 00:19:35,874
"YEAH. I BEEN SHOT 10 TIMES
IN MY EYE. THAT'S RIGHT.
328
00:19:35,867 --> 00:19:38,297
"BITCH, YEAH.
I'M FROM THE HOOD.
329
00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:42,830
"YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH!
330
00:19:42,834 --> 00:19:45,874
BUT THESE TILES
ARE FROM ROME."
331
00:19:55,834 --> 00:20:00,804
AND WHAT IS THE RAPPER'S
OBSESSION WITH THE MAFIA?
332
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:07,500
EVERY TIME YOU GO INTO THEIR
HOUSES, THEY'VE ALL GOT COPIES OF "GODFATHER" AND "SCARFACE."
333
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:11,030
THE MAFIA DON'T LIKE
BLACK PEOPLE.
334
00:20:18,500 --> 00:20:20,230
THEY DON'T.
THEY DON'T LIKE US.
335
00:20:20,233 --> 00:20:22,903
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
A BLACK "SOPRANO"? NO!
336
00:20:22,900 --> 00:20:25,330
THEY DON'T LIKE US.
337
00:20:25,333 --> 00:20:27,803
THEY CALL US MULIGNON.
338
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:32,270
NOW, I'M NOT AN EXPERT
OF LANGUAGES, BUT I THINK IT'S PROBABLY ITALIAN FOR NIGGER.
339
00:20:32,266 --> 00:20:34,166
ALL RIGHT?
340
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:37,326
I WENT DOWN TO VENICE BEACH.
341
00:20:37,333 --> 00:20:39,203
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
HAD A GOOD TIME DOWN THERE.
342
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:43,630
OBVIOUSLY I DIDN'T GO
IN THE WATER.
343
00:20:43,633 --> 00:20:45,803
WELL, I'M A BLACK WOMAN.
344
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:52,070
I'M NOT GETTING
MY HAIR WET FOR ANYBODY.
345
00:20:52,066 --> 00:20:54,196
AND I KNOW THAT IS
INTERNATIONAL.
346
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:55,770
YOU ARE NEVER...
347
00:21:01,734 --> 00:21:04,204
NEVER. YOU ARE NEVER GONNA SEE
A BLACK WOMAN
348
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,030
ON THE OLYMPIC
SWIMMING TEAM, RIGHT?
349
00:21:06,033 --> 00:21:07,573
IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
350
00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:10,027
YOU ARE NEVER GONNA SEE
A BLACK WOMAN IN THE MOVIES
351
00:21:10,033 --> 00:21:13,603
WHERE YOU HAVE TO MAKE LOVE
IN THE SHOWER, RIGHT?
352
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,870
'CAUSE THAT SHIT WOULD NOT
LOOK ROMANTIC
353
00:21:16,867 --> 00:21:19,597
WITH A BLACK WOMAN IN IT.
354
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,800
BECAUSE SHE WOULD BE
IN THAT SHOWER
355
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:25,000
WITH A SAFEWAY GROCERY BAG.
356
00:21:46,734 --> 00:21:50,974
IT'S IN THE BIBLE.
IT'S IN THE BIBLE, PEOPLE.
357
00:21:50,967 --> 00:21:53,697
IT IS DOCUMENTED.
358
00:21:53,700 --> 00:21:56,700
THERE IS THE PASSAGE WHERE MOSES
TAKES THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL
359
00:21:56,700 --> 00:21:59,470
TO THE BANKS OF
THE RED SEA AND SAYS,
360
00:21:59,467 --> 00:22:01,627
"WE'RE GOING TO CROSS THIS."
361
00:22:01,633 --> 00:22:03,673
IT WAS A BLACK WOMAN
THAT TURNED TO MOSES.
362
00:22:05,934 --> 00:22:08,074
"MOSES?
363
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:18,200
"I'VE JUST HAD MY HAIR RELAXED.
364
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,430
YOU BETTER PART THAT SHIT."
365
00:22:20,433 --> 00:22:23,173
LISTEN, I'M GINA YASHERE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
366
00:22:23,166 --> 00:22:24,966
GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU.
367
00:22:32,433 --> 00:22:38,933
- GIVE IT TO HER, Y'ALL.
DO SOMETHING.
368
00:22:38,934 --> 00:22:40,834
THAT WAS HYSTERICAL.
SHE WRITES.
369
00:22:40,834 --> 00:22:43,974
WOMEN WILL WRAP THEIR FUCKING
HAIR UP. WHAT'S THAT SHIT ABOUT?
370
00:22:43,967 --> 00:22:47,527
MY WIFE COME TO BED WITH
A FUCKING BLACK HAT ON HER FUCKING HEAD.
371
00:22:47,533 --> 00:22:51,003
WHAT IS THAT? I FEEL LIKE
I'M SLEEPING WITH THE TALIBAN OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.
372
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,270
WHAT THE...?
373
00:22:53,667 --> 00:22:57,527
ALL RIGHT, LAST SEASON, THIS
NEXT CAT RIPPED THE STAGE APART,
374
00:22:57,533 --> 00:22:59,033
SO WE BROUGHT HIM BACK
FOR MORE.
375
00:22:59,033 --> 00:23:00,673
YOU KNOW HIM
AS THE GANGSTA OF COMEDY.
376
00:23:00,667 --> 00:23:02,667
PUT IT TOGETHER
FOR CAPONE!
377
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:11,430
- WASSUP, Y'ALL? WASSUP?
378
00:23:11,433 --> 00:23:13,633
GONNA DEDICATE THIS SHOW
TO THE TROOPS.
379
00:23:13,633 --> 00:23:16,633
YES. YES.
380
00:23:16,633 --> 00:23:19,133
THEY ARE BRAVE!
381
00:23:19,133 --> 00:23:22,133
COULDN'T BE ME.
NO, SIR.
382
00:23:22,133 --> 00:23:24,033
I WOULDN'T BE OUT THERE
FIGHTING FOR NOBODY.
383
00:23:24,033 --> 00:23:26,573
I AIN'T GONNA LIE.
I'M GONNA TELL THE TRUTH.
384
00:23:26,567 --> 00:23:31,827
FUCK FIGHTING. NO, SIR.
I'D BE A PUNK IN SOME ARAB LADY'S HOUSE...
385
00:23:31,834 --> 00:23:33,904
TILL THIS SHIT
IS OVER WITH.
386
00:23:33,900 --> 00:23:36,330
THEY SENDING THE WRONG PEOPLE.
THEM YOUNG KIDS
387
00:23:36,333 --> 00:23:37,833
THEY SENDING OUT THERE
TO FIGHT.
388
00:23:37,834 --> 00:23:40,574
THEY NEED TO SEND MOTHERFUCKERS
WHO GOT LIFE IN PRISON.
389
00:23:40,567 --> 00:23:42,897
- YEAH.
- THAT'S WHO THEY NEED TO SEND.
390
00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:45,770
LET THEM MOTHERFUCKERS
GO OUT THERE AND FIGHT.
391
00:23:45,767 --> 00:23:48,267
IF YOU MAKE IT HOME, YOU FREE.
392
00:23:48,266 --> 00:23:51,426
IF YOU DON'T, YOU WAS GONNA DIE
ANYWAY, BITCH!
393
00:23:51,433 --> 00:23:53,773
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
394
00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:59,230
'CAUSE WE STARTED WITH
THEM MOTHERFUCKERS.
395
00:23:59,233 --> 00:24:01,903
WE FUCKED WITH THEM ARABS FIRST.
Y'ALL KNOW EVERYBODY IN HERE
396
00:24:01,900 --> 00:24:04,000
DONE WENT IN ONE OF THEM STORES
AND FUCKED WITH...
397
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:07,530
"MAKE ME A SLURPY, HABIB BITCH!"
398
00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:11,473
HABIB WAS ALWAYS NICE.
"OK. NO PROBLEM. GOODY GOODY."
399
00:24:11,467 --> 00:24:16,127
"PUT 10 ON 12, HABIB BITCH!"
400
00:24:19,033 --> 00:24:20,973
EVER SINCE THEY KNOCKED DOWN
THE TOWERS,
401
00:24:20,967 --> 00:24:23,667
THEM MOTHERFUCKERS DONE CHANGED.
TURNED INTO THUGS.
402
00:24:23,667 --> 00:24:26,727
THEY EVEN WEAR THEIR TURBANS
TILTED TO THE SIDE.
403
00:24:26,734 --> 00:24:29,504
WALK IN THERE, LOOK AT YOUR GIRL
IN FRONT OF YOU.
404
00:24:29,500 --> 00:24:31,600
"WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN' AT?
405
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:35,570
DON'T FUCK AROUND, NIGGA.
YOU KNOW. TICKY TICKY BOOM!"
406
00:24:38,266 --> 00:24:39,766
SHIT!
407
00:24:39,767 --> 00:24:42,027
I DON'T FUCK WITH THEM NIGGAS.
408
00:24:42,033 --> 00:24:44,033
NO, SIR.
409
00:24:44,033 --> 00:24:46,403
AND WE LUCKY THEY'RE
FIGHTING OVER THERE.
410
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,970
IF THEY WAS OVER HERE,
WE'D BE FUCKED UP.
411
00:24:48,967 --> 00:24:51,067
SOME OF Y'ALL WHITE PEOPLE
WOULD BE FUCKED UP.
412
00:24:51,066 --> 00:24:55,426
I GOT THE COLOR. I GOT A TURBAN
AND A SHEET IN MY CAR.
413
00:24:55,433 --> 00:24:57,073
FUCK THAT SHIT!
414
00:24:57,066 --> 00:24:58,996
SOON AS THEY COME,
"WHO ARE YOU?"
415
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,870
"MOHAMMED, YOU DO NOT KNOW
WHO THE FUCK I AM?
416
00:25:01,867 --> 00:25:05,527
"NO. I'M YOUR FRIEND
AT SCHOOL EVERY DAY.
417
00:25:05,533 --> 00:25:06,933
COME ON, PLEASE."
418
00:25:08,500 --> 00:25:10,770
SHIT, MAN.
419
00:25:10,767 --> 00:25:12,467
IT'S GOD DAMN CRAZY, MAN.
420
00:25:12,467 --> 00:25:14,597
YOU GOTTA HAVE FUN. SHIT.
421
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,600
GOD DAMN WARS
AND ALL THIS SHIT.
422
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:18,370
THIS RACISM SHIT GOING ON.
423
00:25:18,367 --> 00:25:20,567
IT'S CRAZY
OUT HERE, TOO, MAN.
424
00:25:20,567 --> 00:25:22,767
ALL THE FUCKING RACISM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE.
425
00:25:22,767 --> 00:25:26,967
IT'S SO BAD NOW, RACIST PEOPLE
ARE RACIST TO THEIR OWN KIND.
426
00:25:26,967 --> 00:25:29,697
WHITE PEOPLE CALLING
EACH OTHER CRACKER NOW.
427
00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:32,270
WHAT THE HELL THAT START?
IT ALWAYS START IN THE CAR.
428
00:25:32,266 --> 00:25:34,696
THAT'S WHERE RACISM KICK--
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU ARE,
429
00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:36,900
IF YOU IN YOUR CAR,
SOMEBODY CUT YOU OFF,
430
00:25:36,900 --> 00:25:40,070
YOU GONNA LET 'EM KNOW
HOW YOU FEEL.
431
00:25:40,066 --> 00:25:44,426
YOU'LL PULL RIGHT UP TO 'EM.
"YOU SAW MY CAR! BITCH!"
432
00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:53,530
I TAKE RACISM TO A NEW LEVEL.
I'M FUCKING RACIST. FUCK IT.
433
00:25:53,533 --> 00:25:56,573
I GOT ME A NICE CAR. AND I DRIVE
MY SHIT THROUGH MY OLD HOOD.
434
00:25:56,567 --> 00:26:00,027
'CAUSE THEY SAID I WASN'T
GONNA BE SHIT.
435
00:26:00,033 --> 00:26:03,433
I SHOW 'EM. BEEP BEEP!
UH-HUH, YES, SIR. GOD DAMN!
436
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,100
SHOW THEM MY SHIT.
437
00:26:07,100 --> 00:26:09,370
BUT A MOTHERFUCKER
CUT ME OFF.
438
00:26:09,367 --> 00:26:11,297
MY RACISM WENT UP HERE.
439
00:26:11,300 --> 00:26:14,030
I DIDN'T KNOW HIS ASS
WAS RACIST, TOO.
440
00:26:14,033 --> 00:26:16,973
CHINESE MOTHERFUCKER.
441
00:26:16,967 --> 00:26:19,727
CUTTIN' ME OFF. I CURSED HIM OUT
WITH THE GOOD CURSES.
442
00:26:19,734 --> 00:26:24,734
PULL RIGHT UP TO HIM. "YOU SAW
MY CAR, YOU CHINKY-EYED BITCH!"
443
00:26:24,734 --> 00:26:27,434
THIS NIGGA CURSED ME BACK OUT,
BUT DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO CURSE.
444
00:26:27,433 --> 00:26:33,273
"NO, YOU MOTHER--
I SAW LOOKING AND SUCKING YOUR FAT ASSHOLE AND YOUR MOTHER!"
445
00:26:40,867 --> 00:26:46,127
I SAID, "WHAT YOU SAY,
YOU DUCK SAUCE EATING BITCH?"
446
00:26:46,133 --> 00:26:49,273
THIS NIGGA GOT OUT
THE CAR AND SHOWED ME HE WASN'T SCARED OF ME.
447
00:26:49,266 --> 00:26:53,366
"NO! YOU MOTHER, I SUCKEE
AND YOUR FATHER
448
00:26:53,367 --> 00:26:55,367
"ASSHOLE. LICKIE
YOU MOTHERFUCKER,
449
00:26:55,367 --> 00:26:58,667
YOUR FATHER, YOUR MOTHER SAY,
'NO FUCKING ME, NO FUCKING ME.'"
450
00:27:04,166 --> 00:27:06,926
I SAID, "GO AHEAD, NIGGA.
YOU WON."
451
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:09,970
FUCK, I'M GONNA ARGUE
WITH THE NIGGA.
452
00:27:09,967 --> 00:27:11,227
WHEN I HIT HIM WITH THE CURSES,
453
00:27:11,233 --> 00:27:12,803
I'M HITTING HIM
WITH THE GOOD CURSES.
454
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:15,130
"FUCK YOU!" IT WAS COMING
FROM THE DIAPHRAGM.
455
00:27:15,133 --> 00:27:17,673
YOU KNOW WHEN
YOU TELLING HIM, "FUCK YOU!"
456
00:27:17,667 --> 00:27:22,667
HE, "NO! I LICKIE BALLS
ALL YOUR MOTHER-SUCKEE
457
00:27:22,667 --> 00:27:29,427
ALL DAY ASSHOLE,
YOUR MOTHER SAW-SASTA!"
458
00:27:29,433 --> 00:27:32,603
MY NAME IS CAPONE, Y'ALL. PEACE.
459
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:34,300
[CHEERING]
460
00:27:44,100 --> 00:27:46,870
- Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME?
STAND UP AND LET 'EM KNOW.
461
00:27:46,867 --> 00:27:49,427
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR THE MAN WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE.
462
00:27:49,433 --> 00:27:51,273
MR. RUSSELL SIMMONS.
463
00:27:54,700 --> 00:27:56,700
- THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.
GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.
464
00:27:56,700 --> 00:27:59,800
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
465
00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:02,800
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--
466
00:28:10,867 --> 00:28:12,397
- ♪ DEF COMEDY JAM! ♪
467
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:14,600
♪ JA-JA-JA-JAM ♪
468
00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:17,800
♪ JA-JA-JA-JAM ♪
469
00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:19,500
♪ DEF COMEDY JAM! ♪
470
00:28:19,500 --> 00:28:22,500
♪ DEF DEF DEF
DEF COMEDY JAM ♪
471
00:28:22,500 --> 00:28:24,900
♪ DEF COM--DEF ♪
472
00:28:24,900 --> 00:28:27,130
♪ DEF COMEDY JAM! ♪
473
00:28:27,133 --> 00:28:28,703
♪ DEF DEF DEF
DEF COMEDY JAM ♪
474
00:28:28,753 --> 00:28:33,303
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