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1
00:00:16,133 --> 00:00:18,073
( theme music
playing )
2
00:00:18,066 --> 00:00:20,026
Kid Capri:
IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY
3
00:00:20,033 --> 00:00:22,073
"RUSSELL SIMMONS'
DEF COMEDY JAM"!
4
00:00:22,066 --> 00:00:25,026
WITH YOUR HOST,
MIKE EPPS!
5
00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:26,433
TONIGHT'S GUESTS--
6
00:00:26,433 --> 00:00:28,433
ARIES SPEARS...
7
00:00:28,433 --> 00:00:30,203
J.J.
8
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,570
AND ARNEZ J.
9
00:00:34,967 --> 00:00:36,827
I AM YOUR MAN,
THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ,
10
00:00:36,834 --> 00:00:38,504
THE KID CAPRI!
11
00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:42,230
- AND WE ARE BACK!
- ( crowd cheering )
12
00:00:42,233 --> 00:00:44,433
AND NOW THE HOST--
13
00:00:44,433 --> 00:00:46,973
MIKE EPPS!
14
00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:58,030
YEAH!
15
00:00:58,033 --> 00:01:00,073
YEAH!
16
00:01:00,066 --> 00:01:02,326
YEAH!
17
00:01:02,333 --> 00:01:03,933
YEAH!
18
00:01:12,467 --> 00:01:15,397
THANK YOU ALL
FOR COMING OUT!
19
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:18,030
AND LET'S GIVE IT UP
TO THE HOTTEST DJ IN THE LAND--
20
00:01:18,033 --> 00:01:20,773
KID CAPRI!
21
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,170
WELL, Y'ALL LOOK--
22
00:01:27,166 --> 00:01:29,366
THAT'S THEM "CAN'T WAITS"
RIGHT THERE--
23
00:01:29,367 --> 00:01:32,367
"CAN'T WAIT" TILL YOU GET
SOME REAL BRAIDS.
24
00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:41,273
LOOK AT ALL THESE
LITTLE YOUNG NIGGAS SITTING UP IN THE FRONT.
25
00:01:41,266 --> 00:01:44,466
Y'ALL NIGGAS IS OUT
FOR SUMMER SCHOOL, AIN'T YOU?
26
00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:49,070
LITTLE SUMMER SCHOOL
NIGGAS RIGHT HERE.
27
00:01:49,066 --> 00:01:51,066
THAT'S RIGHT.
BEAT YOUR KID'S ASS.
28
00:01:51,066 --> 00:01:53,066
THEM NIGGAS NEED
TO BE WHIPPED.
29
00:01:53,066 --> 00:01:56,726
I'LL FUCK YOUR KID UP
FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ME TO.
30
00:01:56,734 --> 00:01:59,234
I'LL PAY YOU
TO WHIP HIM FOR ME.
31
00:01:59,233 --> 00:02:02,173
THEM KIDS NEED
AN ASS-WHIPPING, I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.
32
00:02:02,166 --> 00:02:05,196
MY MOTHER WOULD SEND ME
TO THE STORE ALL THE TIME AND SHIT.
33
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,030
HOW MANY TIMES YOU ALL HAD
TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE
34
00:02:07,033 --> 00:02:09,103
A HUNDRED MOTHERFUCKING
TIMES A DAY?
35
00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:11,000
"COME, GO TO THE STORE
FOR ME.
36
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,700
COME, GO TO THE STORE
FOR ME. COME, GO TO THE STORE FOR ME."
37
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,830
WHY DON'T YOU WRITE
ALL THIS SHIT DOWN IN THE MORNING,
38
00:02:15,834 --> 00:02:18,304
AND I'LL GET ALL
THIS SHIT?
39
00:02:19,934 --> 00:02:23,834
KEEP MAKING ME GO
TO THE MOTHERFUCKING STORE ALL DAY.
40
00:02:23,834 --> 00:02:26,604
AND THEN,
"GET ME A THING OF THAT COME IN A BIG BLUE--
41
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,800
COME IN A BIG BLUE,
COST $1.89.
42
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,000
COME HERE.
I'M GONNA SHOW YOU WHAT TO GET."
43
00:02:32,734 --> 00:02:36,034
TAKE YOU IN THE KITCHEN
AND TEAR ALL THE LABELS OFF THE SHIT.
44
00:02:36,033 --> 00:02:38,273
LOOK LIKE YOU GOT A BANKROLL,
BUT YOU GOT LABELS
45
00:02:38,266 --> 00:02:39,926
IN YOUR
MOTHERFUCKING POCKET.
46
00:02:39,934 --> 00:02:42,634
BIG STACK OF 'EM
IN YOUR POCKET.
47
00:02:42,633 --> 00:02:44,503
TELL YOU TO GET
ALL THAT SHIT
48
00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:47,030
AND THEN SAY,
"AND DON'T GET NOTHING FOR YOURSELF."
49
00:02:47,033 --> 00:02:49,633
SHIT!
50
00:02:49,633 --> 00:02:53,473
I'M GETTING A BUTTERFINGER
OR SOMETHING, GOD DAMN IT, ALL THESE GROCERIES.
51
00:02:54,867 --> 00:02:57,127
I BUY A CANDY BAR LAST
AND TEAR THE RECEIPT OFF--
52
00:02:57,133 --> 00:02:59,903
ON THE BOTTOM PART
AND GIVE IT TO HER.
53
00:02:59,900 --> 00:03:03,070
BOY, ABOUT 10
MINUTES LATER, "COME HERE!"
54
00:03:03,066 --> 00:03:05,566
SHE DONE LAID ALL
THE ITEMS OUT ON THE TABLE.
55
00:03:05,567 --> 00:03:08,327
GOT THE CHANGE ON THERE,
THEN COUNTED EVERYTHING UP.
56
00:03:08,333 --> 00:03:10,733
"THERE'S 75 CENTS
MISSING!"
57
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:15,297
( imitates
suspenseful music )
58
00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:18,230
"Let me smell
your breath."
59
00:03:18,233 --> 00:03:20,703
( huffs )
"GET UPSTAIRS AND GET NAKED."
60
00:03:24,133 --> 00:03:27,033
YOU UP THERE BUTT NAKED.
SHE ON THE PHONE TELLING PEOPLE,
61
00:03:27,033 --> 00:03:29,603
"I'M ABOUT TO GO UP THERE
AND FUCK HIM UP.
62
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,570
I'LL CALL YOU BACK
IN A MINUTE.
63
00:03:31,567 --> 00:03:33,627
I'LL CALL YOU WHEN
I GET THROUGH TEARING HIS ASS UP.
64
00:03:33,633 --> 00:03:35,503
OKAY, BYE-BYE."
65
00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:38,030
DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR MOTHER
TRIED TO TELL YOU TO RUN PAST,
66
00:03:38,033 --> 00:03:40,903
SHE AIN'T GONNA HIT YOU
AND YOU BE SCARED? "RUN PAST HERE."
67
00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:43,100
( moaning )
68
00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:45,670
"GET YOUR ASS PAST HERE."
69
00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:48,227
( moaning )
70
00:03:48,233 --> 00:03:50,033
( screams )
71
00:03:50,033 --> 00:03:52,303
"GET UP THERE
BEFORE I FUCK YOU UP."
72
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:54,400
YOU ALL READY
FOR THE FIRST COMIC? COME ON.
73
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:57,430
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER.
74
00:04:02,066 --> 00:04:03,826
Y'ALL SEEN HIM
ON DEF JAM BEFORE.
75
00:04:03,834 --> 00:04:06,134
STRAIGHT UP OUT OF L.A.
GIVE HIM SOME LOVE.
76
00:04:06,133 --> 00:04:09,833
YOU SEEN HIM ON "MAD TV,"
FOR ARIES SPEARS!
77
00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:20,100
L.A., WHAT'S HAPPENING?
78
00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,600
YEAH!
79
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,470
WHERE ARE MY WHITE FOLKS AT?
MAKE SOME NOISE.
80
00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:30,097
( scattered cheering )
81
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:32,900
Y'ALL SAID, "FUCK IT."
YOU OWN THE BUILDING, SHIT.
82
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:38,230
I'M GONNA TELL YOU,
BEING IN L.A., I BEEN OUT HERE FOR OVER 12 YEARS, MAN,
83
00:04:38,233 --> 00:04:40,203
AND I'M REALLY TRYING
TO DO THIS MOVIE SHIT.
84
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,630
AND IT'S HARD 'CAUSE
I'M AT A VERY FRUSTRATING POINT IN MY CAREER.
85
00:04:42,633 --> 00:04:44,733
'CAUSE I'M NOT LIKE
WILL SMITH FAMOUS."
86
00:04:44,734 --> 00:04:48,074
BUT I'M NOT LIKE
URKEL FAMOUS, YOU KNOW?
87
00:04:48,066 --> 00:04:50,096
AND IT'S HARD
'CAUSE I HEAR ABOUT ALL THESE ACTORS
88
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:52,300
THAT GET PAID $20 MILLION
A MOVIE TO ACT,
89
00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:54,300
AND THE KEYWORD IN THAT
IS "ACT."
90
00:04:54,300 --> 00:04:56,270
BUT THEY PAY THIS TO DUDES
WHO NEVER COULD FUCKING ACT.
91
00:04:56,266 --> 00:04:59,766
LIKE HOW DID THEY PAY
STALLONE AND SCHWARZENEGGER $20 MILLION A MOVIE?
92
00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:01,797
PAY THAT TO THE DUDES
WHO DESERVE IT,
93
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,800
LIKE PACINO, DE NIRO,
DENZEL, MORGAN FREEMAN.
94
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:06,230
THEM MOTHERFUCKERS
IS ACTORS.
95
00:05:07,867 --> 00:05:09,927
'CAUSE TO THIS DAY,
ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF ALL TIME
96
00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:12,834
IS "HEAT" WITH PACINO
AND DE NIRO, YOU KNOW?
97
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,430
IT'S LIKE WATCHING
TWO HEAVYWEIGHT BOXERS GO HEAD-TO-HEAD.
98
00:05:16,433 --> 00:05:18,473
PACINO SITTING
THERE WITH DE NIRO AT THE DINNER TABLE.
99
00:05:18,467 --> 00:05:20,927
THEY MEET FOR THE FIRST TIME.
HE'S BREAKING SHIT DOWN TO HIM.
100
00:05:20,934 --> 00:05:23,074
( imitating Al Pacino )
YOU, SIR, ARE A BAD GUY.
101
00:05:23,066 --> 00:05:25,996
I'M THE POLICE.
IT'S MY JOB
102
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:29,030
TO STOP GUYS
LIKE YOU MURDERERS, RAPERS, KILLERS.
103
00:05:29,033 --> 00:05:30,933
IT'S WHAT I DO.
104
00:05:30,934 --> 00:05:34,034
THERE MAY COME A TIME
WHEN OUR PATHS CROSS.
105
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:35,933
I MIGHT HAVE TO
TAKE YOU DOWN.
106
00:05:35,934 --> 00:05:37,174
I WON'T LIKE IT,
BUT I'LL DO IT.
107
00:05:37,166 --> 00:05:39,866
KEEPS ME HOT ON MY TOES,
WHERE I GOTTA BE.
108
00:05:39,867 --> 00:05:41,767
( normal voice )
DE NIRO COMES BACK.
109
00:05:41,767 --> 00:05:43,997
( imitating Robert De Niro )
YOU KNOW THERE'S A FLIPSIDE TO THAT COIN.
110
00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:47,327
GOOD FRIEND OF MINE,
JIMMY STAG, ONCE TOLD ME
111
00:05:47,333 --> 00:05:50,533
NEVER GET ATTACHED
TO ANYTHING THAT YOU CANNOT WALK OUT ON IN 15 SECONDS FLAT
112
00:05:50,533 --> 00:05:52,503
IF YOU SPOT THE HEAT
COMING AROUND THE CORNER.
113
00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:54,670
AND I ALSO LIKE GUYS
LIKE YOU THAT LIKE GUYS LIKE ME,
114
00:05:54,667 --> 00:05:58,427
'CAUSE YOU KEEP ME HOT
ON MY TOES, WHERE I GOTTA BE.
115
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,000
NOW PICTURE
THE SAME SCENE
116
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,130
WITH STALLONE
AND SCHWARZENEGGER.
117
00:06:04,133 --> 00:06:06,433
YOU AIN'T GONNA BE
ABLE TO UNDERSTAND SHIT.
118
00:06:06,433 --> 00:06:08,433
STALLONE IS DOING PACINO.
119
00:06:08,433 --> 00:06:10,603
( mumbling )
120
00:06:12,266 --> 00:06:14,466
( imitating Schwarzenegger )
"YOU KNOW, THERE'S A FLIPSIDE.
121
00:06:14,467 --> 00:06:16,197
I MIGHT HAVE TO
TAKE YOU DOWN.
122
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,530
I WON'T LIKE IT,
BUT I'LL DO IT."
123
00:06:20,133 --> 00:06:24,103
( normal voice )
EVEN DEAF PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "WHAT DID HE SAY?
124
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:26,230
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT DID HE...?"
125
00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:30,070
THAT'S A HORRIBLE NOISE
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER MAKES.
126
00:06:30,066 --> 00:06:32,096
( grunts )
127
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,000
CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM ASKING
HIS WOMAN FOR HEAD?
128
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,170
( imitating Schwarzenegger )
"MARIA, COME ON, GIMME HEAD,
129
00:06:36,166 --> 00:06:38,026
GO DOWN!
130
00:06:38,033 --> 00:06:40,373
DON'T COME UP FOR AIR.
BREATHE THROUGH YOUR EARS.
131
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:44,497
SWALLOW IT. IT HAS
POTASSIUM AND CALCIUM. IT'S GOOD FOR YOU."
132
00:06:46,266 --> 00:06:48,496
( normal voice )
MY ULTIMATE ACTOR, THOUGH, I WOULD LOVE TO WORK WITH,
133
00:06:48,500 --> 00:06:52,100
I GOTTA SAY IS DENZEL.
THAT IS THE BADDEST MOTHERFUCKER.
134
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:55,170
DENZEL
IS THE COOLEST CAT.
135
00:06:55,166 --> 00:06:57,096
DOING IMPRESSIONS,
136
00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:59,300
FELLAS, YOU GOTTA LEARN
HOW TO GET SOME DENZEL IN YOUR LIFE,
137
00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:02,100
'CAUSE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
WHAT GO ON IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP,
138
00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:04,830
BLACK WOMEN, YOU KNOW,
THEY FEEL IT.
139
00:07:04,834 --> 00:07:07,604
A WOMAN GET READY TO LEAVE YOU,
YOU DO DENZEL, SHE AIN'T GOING NOPLACE.
140
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,930
YOU KNOW,
THE KEY TO DENZEL, YOU GOTTA START WITH THE WALK.
141
00:07:09,934 --> 00:07:11,934
'CAUSE DENZEL GOT ONE
OF THE COLDEST WALKS
142
00:07:11,934 --> 00:07:14,404
IN SHOW BUSINESS,
RIGHT?
143
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,170
THAT NIGGA COME
WITH THAT STRUT AND THAT OVERBITE.
144
00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:24,097
YOUR GIRL START
TALKING SHIT, "BABY, I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
145
00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:27,070
YOU DON'T RESPECT ME.
YOU NEED TO TAKE SOME TIME, BE BY YOURSELF."
146
00:07:27,066 --> 00:07:29,666
( normal voice )
THAT'S WHEN YOU DO DENZEL.
147
00:07:29,667 --> 00:07:32,097
( mimics Washington )
"I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE. I WANT YOU TO STAY WITH ME.
148
00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:34,430
I PROMISE IF YOU
STAY WITH ME, I'LL LOVE YOU INTERNALLY , EXTERNALLY
149
00:07:34,433 --> 00:07:35,973
AND EVERY OTHER WAY
IMAGINABLE.
150
00:07:35,967 --> 00:07:38,497
( laughs )
EVERYTHING I EVER AM,
151
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,500
EVERYTHING I EVER WILL BE,
I AM BECAUSE OF YOU.
152
00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:42,470
YOU ARE MY HEART.
YOU ARE MY FLAME.
153
00:07:42,467 --> 00:07:45,027
YOU ARE MY PHYSICAL,
EVERYTHING THAT I SAY IS ALL BECAUSE I LOVE YOU."
154
00:07:45,033 --> 00:07:46,703
"BABY, I AIN'T
GOING NOWHERE.
155
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:51,030
YOU JUST NEED TO LEARN
HOW TO RESPECT..." IT'LL WORK.
156
00:07:51,033 --> 00:07:53,073
SHE SAID
"DO THE WALK AGAIN."
157
00:07:53,066 --> 00:07:55,196
"YOU GONNA GIVE ME
SOME PUSSY?"
158
00:07:56,734 --> 00:07:59,474
I'LL DO DENZEL ALL NIGHT
IF I'M GONNA GET SOME PUSSY.
159
00:07:59,467 --> 00:08:01,727
THE FIRST THING I SAY
IS THE OPENING LINE FROM "TRAINING DAY."
160
00:08:01,734 --> 00:08:03,534
"YOU'RE IN A POSITION
TO LEARN A THING OR TWO.
161
00:08:03,533 --> 00:08:05,203
JUST KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN
AND YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
162
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:08,830
YOU'RE IN A PRIVILEGED
POSITION ALL DAY, HOYT." SHIT.
163
00:08:10,734 --> 00:08:13,374
ANY HIP-HOP FANS HERE,
HIP-HOP?
164
00:08:16,533 --> 00:08:18,003
I'M A BIG HIP-HOP FAN.
165
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,030
I CAME INTO A LITTLE BIT
OF A REVELATION RECENTLY.
166
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:23,133
I TURNED 31 EARLY APRIL,
AND I'M STARTING TO REALIZE
167
00:08:23,133 --> 00:08:26,733
THAT A LOT OF THIS
HIP-HOP, RAP THING IS FOR KIDS.
168
00:08:26,734 --> 00:08:28,874
IT'S A YOUNG PEOPLE'S
MOVEMENT, YOU KNOW?
169
00:08:28,867 --> 00:08:31,797
AND I KNOW, WE AS ADULTS,
WE TRY TO HANG ON TO OUR YOUTH AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.
170
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,400
BUT MY POINT IS,
YOU GOTTA KNOW WHEN TO LET GO,
171
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:37,330
'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE 36
AND YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE YOU'RE 15,
172
00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:40,633
YOU LOOK FUCKING STUPID,
173
00:08:40,633 --> 00:08:42,733
YOU KNOW?
174
00:08:42,734 --> 00:08:46,404
AND I'M 31, SO I FIGURE
I GOT ABOUT THREE YEARS LEFT ON MY HIP-HOP CARD
175
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,670
BEFORE I GOTTA
START TUCKING MY SHIRT IN AND TURNING MY HAT AROUND.
176
00:08:49,667 --> 00:08:51,727
BUT I LIKE WHEN RAPPERS
GET TOGETHER AND MAKE GOOD MUSIC
177
00:08:51,734 --> 00:08:54,074
AS OPPOSED
TO KILLING EACH OTHER. IF I COULD HAVE IT MY WAY,
178
00:08:54,066 --> 00:08:56,126
I'D LIKE TO SEE FOUR
OF MY FAVORITE EMCEES COME TOGETHER
179
00:08:56,133 --> 00:08:59,873
AND MAKE A SONG.
I'D HAVE LL COOL J,
180
00:08:59,867 --> 00:09:03,067
SNOOP DOGG, DMX
181
00:09:03,066 --> 00:09:05,896
AND MY MAN JAY-Z.
182
00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:08,230
I GOTTA SAY,
I'M AMAZED BY JAY-Z.
183
00:09:08,233 --> 00:09:09,903
NOT AT THE FACT THAT
HE'S A GREAT RAPPER.
184
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:11,700
EVERYBODY KNOW
HE'S A GREAT RAPPER.
185
00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:13,230
HOW THE FUCK
DID HE GET BEYONCE?
186
00:09:13,233 --> 00:09:16,433
'CAUSE YOU ALL KNOW
THAT'S AN UGLY MOTHERFUCKER.
187
00:09:17,834 --> 00:09:19,574
IS IT ME OR DOES THAT NIGGA
LOOK LIKE JOE CAMEL?
188
00:09:19,567 --> 00:09:22,497
AM I THE ONLY ONE
TO SEE THAT SHIT?
189
00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:25,200
HE COULD FINISH CHAPSTICK
IN ONE USE.
190
00:09:32,300 --> 00:09:34,630
BUT LIKE I SAID,
I'D HAVE LL DO THE INTRO,
191
00:09:34,633 --> 00:09:36,633
'CAUSE LL JUST GOT
THAT COOL SUAVE VOICE.
192
00:09:36,633 --> 00:09:39,273
LL SEEM LIKE HE
DON'T EVEN NEED A WOMAN TO BE TURNED ON.
193
00:09:39,266 --> 00:09:41,296
HE CAN JUST STAND
IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, CHEST NAKED
194
00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:43,070
AND TURN HIMSELF ON.
195
00:09:43,066 --> 00:09:45,926
LIKE THE MUSIC
AND SHIT COME ON-- YO, KID, HIT IT.
196
00:09:45,934 --> 00:09:48,004
- ( music playing )
- YO WHAT'S UP, BABY?
197
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,270
THIS IS YOUR MAN,
LL COOL J-- UNH!
198
00:09:50,266 --> 00:09:52,726
AIN'T NOTHING LIKE
WHEN YOU PUT VANILLA ICE CREAM ON YOUR CHEST,
199
00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:55,074
LET IT MELT DOWN
TO YOUR GENITALS.
200
00:09:55,066 --> 00:09:57,996
I GOT MY MAN SNOOP DOGG,
DMX AND JAY-Z IN THE BUILDING.
201
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,000
IT'S ABOUT TO BE
REAL SEXUAL RIGHT NOW,
202
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,430
REAL EROTIC, BABY--
( laughs )
203
00:10:02,433 --> 00:10:06,033
HEY, YO, SNOOP.
HOLLER AT 'EM-- IT'S YOUR MAN, LL.
204
00:10:06,033 --> 00:10:08,933
( mimics Snoop )
YO, ONE-TWO-THREE AND TO THE FOUR,
205
00:10:08,934 --> 00:10:11,734
SNOOP DOGGY DOGG
TAKING CONDOMS OUT THE DOOR.
206
00:10:11,734 --> 00:10:14,034
READY TO GET UP IN YA,
SO BACK ON UP,
207
00:10:14,033 --> 00:10:16,903
GET A CONDOM,
'CAUSE I'M READY TO FUCK, BITCH, WHAT?
208
00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:19,170
HAVING THREE HOS
IS SOME GANGSTA SHIT,
209
00:10:19,166 --> 00:10:21,766
YOU KNOW HOW A DOGG DO
WHEN A GANGSTA PIMP.
210
00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:24,527
WE DON'T SWEAT SHIT,
'CAUSE WE KNOW WE CAN'T BE FADED.
211
00:10:24,533 --> 00:10:27,373
WE JUST SIT BACK
AND DEBATE IT WHILE GETTING OUR HAIR BRAIDED.
212
00:10:27,367 --> 00:10:29,497
NATE DOGG, WARREN G,,
DAZ AND KURUPT,
213
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:32,430
WE GONNA RAP
TILL WE DIE, THAT'S WHY WE THROW THEM THINGS UP.
214
00:10:32,433 --> 00:10:35,003
FOR SHIZZLE, MY NIZZLE,
IN THE LBC.
215
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,800
YOU KNOW MY NAME'S
SNOOP D-O-DOUBLE G.
216
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,570
YO, IT'S YOUR MAN DMX.
WHERE'S MY DAWGS AT?
217
00:10:41,467 --> 00:10:43,927
WHERE'S MY DAWGS?
HUH?
218
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:45,074
( growls )
219
00:10:45,066 --> 00:10:47,566
WHAT? YEAH.
WHAT? YEAH.
220
00:10:47,567 --> 00:10:50,467
YO, I DONE TOLD Y'ALL DAWGS
ABOUT FUCKIN' WITH ME.
221
00:10:50,467 --> 00:10:52,967
YO, I DONE TOLD Y'ALL DAWGS
ABOUT FUCKIN' WITH ME.
222
00:10:52,967 --> 00:10:55,567
WHEN A DAWG STARTS TO BARK,
IT'S FOLLOWED BY THE BITE
223
00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:58,297
THAT'S WHEN YOU
FEEL THE PAIN AND YOU'RE HEADED FOR THE LIGHT.
224
00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:00,800
DON'T GET UPSET, NIGGA.
THAT'S JUST HOW A DAWG DO.
225
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,530
AND I WON'T STOP EATING.
UNTIL A DAWG'S THROUGH.
226
00:11:03,533 --> 00:11:06,303
ARR-- ARF!
I'LL BRING THAT REAL FUCKING STEEL, LADY!
227
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:09,030
ARR-- ARF!
FOR THAT REAL FUCKING MEAL, BABY!
228
00:11:09,033 --> 00:11:11,203
YO, JAY-Z,
HOLLER AT 'EM!
229
00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:19,430
TALK TO ME MAN,
IT'S YOUR BOY IN THE BUILDING-- HO!
230
00:11:19,433 --> 00:11:24,203
IT'S YOUNG "HOVA."
( chuckles )
231
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,670
IT'S YOUR BOY!
( laughs )
232
00:11:26,667 --> 00:11:29,067
IT'S YOUNG HOVA,
HOMIE-HOMIE, UNH-UNH.
233
00:11:29,066 --> 00:11:31,896
IT'S YOUNG HOVA,
HOMIE, I TOLD YA, THE GAME'S OVER.
234
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:34,500
I GOT IT LOCKED--
ALL Y'ALL SHOULD STOP.
235
00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:37,000
IT'S THAT STOCK CARTER
PERSONA MADE FOR MARTYR.
236
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,700
THINK YOU GOT IT LOCKED?
DON'T BOTHER-- I'M TAKING THE GAME FARTHER,
237
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:42,300
I'M ROY WHEN I HIT,
ALLAN I. WHEN I SWITCH,
238
00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:44,900
I'M LIKE IKE TURNER--
HITS WITH LOVE WHEN I'M PISSED.
239
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:46,770
SHA-BOY!
240
00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:49,627
YO, L.A., THANK YOU.
241
00:11:49,633 --> 00:11:52,533
IT'S ALL LOVE, BABY.
242
00:11:59,467 --> 00:12:02,197
ONE MORE TIME FOR
ARIES SPEARS, Y'ALL. COME ON.
243
00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:06,727
Y'ALL READY
FOR THE NEXT COMEDIAN? COME ON, COME ON!
244
00:12:09,033 --> 00:12:12,303
COMING TO THE STAGE
STRAIGHT UP OUT OF MISSISSIPPI,
245
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:15,370
GIVE IT UP
FOR MY MAN J.J.!
246
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:25,173
ALL RIGHT, GO ON AND CUT IT.
I NEED MY TIME.
247
00:12:25,166 --> 00:12:28,496
WHAT UP, L.A.?
HOW YOU ALL DOING? YOU ALL DOING ALL RIGHT?
248
00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:31,730
I GOTTA TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF THIS. I DON'T GET A LOT OF SHOWS LIKE THIS.
249
00:12:31,734 --> 00:12:33,734
I'VE BEEN DOING COMEDY
11 YEARS.
250
00:12:33,734 --> 00:12:36,304
THERE'S MORE FOLKS THAN
ALL OF MY SHOWS COMBINED.
251
00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:38,400
I GOTTA TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF THIS SHIT.
252
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:41,770
LAST WEEK I DID A SHOW
WITH THREE FOLKS IN MY SHIT.
253
00:12:41,767 --> 00:12:45,627
I JUST SAT DOWN.
WE PLAYED SPADES, NIGGA. I'M LIKE, "FUCK IT!"
254
00:12:45,633 --> 00:12:47,673
"LET'S SEE IF I CAN RUN
THIS BOSTON
255
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,767
ON YOUR ASS REAL QUICK,
GOD DAMN IT."
256
00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:52,097
JUST TRYING TO MAKE
A LITTLE CHANGE REAL QUICK.
257
00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:55,430
I GOT A DAUGHTER
TO TAKE CARE OF. GOT AN 18 YEAR-OLD.
258
00:12:55,433 --> 00:12:58,903
YEAH, I WENT AHEAD
AND GOT MINE OUT OF THE WAY.
259
00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:02,600
YOU KNOW, I'M STILL IN HIGH
SCHOOL. MY MOM AND DAD ARE GONNA TAKE CARE OF HER.
260
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,830
BY THE TIME I GET MY SHIT
TOGETHER, SHE AIN'T GONNA NEED MUCH.
261
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,770
YOU GOTTA MAKE SACRIFICES
EARLY IN LIFE.
262
00:13:12,767 --> 00:13:14,527
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
263
00:13:14,533 --> 00:13:16,833
'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHEN
IT COMES TO YOUR KIDS,
264
00:13:16,834 --> 00:13:18,834
EVERYBODY LIVES BY
THE SAME LITTLE RULES,
265
00:13:18,834 --> 00:13:20,834
SAME LITTLE CREED
WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR KIDS.
266
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:24,334
EVERYBODY WANTS THEIR CHILD'S
LIFE TO GO A LITTLE BETTER THAN WHAT THEIR'S GO.
267
00:13:24,333 --> 00:13:26,303
SO I'M ALWAYS SITTING
MY DAUGHTER DOWN.
268
00:13:26,300 --> 00:13:28,970
WE TALK ABOUT LIFE.
WE TALK ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.
269
00:13:28,967 --> 00:13:31,467
MY DAUGHTER TOLD ME
SHE WANTED TO GO TO COLLEGE AND GRADUATE.
270
00:13:31,467 --> 00:13:34,897
THAT'S GOOD.
SAID ONE DAY SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED, HAVE KIDS.
271
00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:37,000
THAT MEANS SEX
IS INVOLVED.
272
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:40,230
MY BIGGEST FEAR AS
A PARENT, NOW ESPECIALLY AS A FATHER,
273
00:13:40,233 --> 00:13:42,233
I DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER
TO GROW UP
274
00:13:42,233 --> 00:13:44,603
AND BE
NO GODDAMN FREAK.
275
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,600
THAT'S THE TYPE OF SHIT
I BE HOME THINKING ABOUT.
276
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,630
I DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER
TO BE LABELED
277
00:13:48,633 --> 00:13:50,973
AS NO GODDAMN FREAK.
278
00:13:50,967 --> 00:13:53,627
DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER
TO BE AT A CLUB, AND NIGGAS BE AT THE CLUB, TALKING,
279
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,933
"THERE SHE GO
RIGHT THERE."
280
00:14:02,867 --> 00:14:04,997
I DO NOT
WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BE THAT GIRL.
281
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,000
SO I SAT MY DAUGHTER DOWN
ONE DAY.
282
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,800
I SAID, "BABY, I HEARD
YOU SAY YOU WANNA HAVE KIDS.
283
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,830
THAT MEANS YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO HAVE A LITTLE SEX.
284
00:14:11,834 --> 00:14:14,774
I KNOW THIS MAY BE
A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE FOR YOU.
285
00:14:14,767 --> 00:14:17,097
BUT THEM FIRST COUPLE
OF TIMES YOU DO IT,
286
00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:19,400
I'M GONNA BE THERE.
287
00:14:24,834 --> 00:14:26,434
I JUST WANNA MAKE SURE
THINGS GO STRAIGHT.
288
00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:28,303
THAT'S ALL
I'M DAMN SAYING.
289
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:30,630
'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GONNA BE
IN THE FIRST COUPLE OF TIMES
290
00:14:30,633 --> 00:14:32,673
UP IN THERE JUST TRYING
TO DO MY DAUGHTER ALL LIKE THAT.
291
00:14:32,667 --> 00:14:35,527
SHE'S NOT READY
FOR THAT TYPE OF PRESSURE.
292
00:14:36,967 --> 00:14:39,767
YOU AIN'T JUST GONNA DICK
MY DAUGHTER DOWN, NIGGA.
293
00:14:39,767 --> 00:14:42,627
SO I SAID,
"BABY, YOU LET ME KNOW WHEN Y'ALL GONNA DO IT.
294
00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:44,773
I'M GONNA SIT RIGHT HERE,
AND Y'ALL GO AHEAD."
295
00:14:52,533 --> 00:14:55,033
"HOW YOU FEEL, BABY?"
296
00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:03,173
"YEAH, YOU'RE
A LITTLE CONFUSED? I KNOW. I KNOW.
297
00:15:03,166 --> 00:15:05,566
DON'T LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT HIM."
298
00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:12,773
"PUT MY DAUGHTER'S LEGS DOWN,
NIGGA. SHE'S NOT READY FOR THAT YET."
299
00:15:15,533 --> 00:15:17,073
I APPRECIATE THESE FEW
LITTLE GIGGLES
300
00:15:17,066 --> 00:15:19,726
Y'ALL GIVING A BROTHER,
GOD DAMN IT.
301
00:15:19,734 --> 00:15:21,504
JUST FOLLOWING ONE
OF MY LITTLE BOYHOOD DREAMS.
302
00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:23,330
I ALWAYS WANTED
TO BE AN ENTERTAINER.
303
00:15:23,333 --> 00:15:25,873
I HAD THREE LITTLE
BOYHOOD DREAMS.
304
00:15:25,867 --> 00:15:27,827
I WANTED TO BE
A WIDE RECEIVER IN THE NFL.
305
00:15:27,834 --> 00:15:30,834
WANTED TO BE
A WIDE RECEIVER IN THE GODDAMN NFL.
306
00:15:30,834 --> 00:15:32,834
BUT I WENT OUT FOR A PASS
IN HIGH SCHOOL
307
00:15:32,834 --> 00:15:35,204
AND GOT HIT
SO GODDAMN HARD,
308
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,900
I DIDN'T EVEN TELL
MY COACH I WAS QUITTING. I JUST WALKED OFF.
309
00:15:38,900 --> 00:15:40,500
HE'S LIKE,
"WHERE YOU GOING?"
310
00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:43,200
LIKE, I'M GONNA JOIN
THE BAND, GOD DAMN IT.
311
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:45,030
I AIN'T FIXIN'
TO GET HIT LIKE THAT.
312
00:15:45,033 --> 00:15:46,833
DON'T HIT ME LIKE THAT
NO GODDAMN MORE.
313
00:15:46,834 --> 00:15:48,834
I AIN'T SEE YOU COMING,
EITHER. DON'T HIT ME LIKE THAT,
314
00:15:48,834 --> 00:15:52,534
NO GODDAMN MORE.
PULL MY FLAG, TOUCH ME. I'LL STOP RIGHT THERE, NIGGA.
315
00:15:52,533 --> 00:15:54,673
DON'T HIT ME LIKE THAT
NO GODDAMN MORE.
316
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:59,270
THAT'S JUST ONE
OF MY BOYHOOD DREAMS.
317
00:15:59,266 --> 00:16:01,126
I'M GONNA TELL YOU
ANOTHER BOYHOOD DREAM OF MINE.
318
00:16:01,133 --> 00:16:04,003
AND THIS SOME STRAIGHT
O.G., BLACK,
319
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:07,430
BLACK GHETTO SHIT
TO THE THIRD POWER RIGHT HERE.
320
00:16:07,433 --> 00:16:10,533
I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE
ON THE HAIRCUT CHART
321
00:16:10,533 --> 00:16:12,903
IN THE BARBERSHOP,
NIGGA.
322
00:16:17,166 --> 00:16:19,826
NIGGA,
THE HAIRCUT CHART.
323
00:16:19,834 --> 00:16:21,804
I'M LIKE, "WHO IN THE HELL
GOT TO CUT MY HAIR
324
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:24,630
FOR ME TO BE ON THE DAMN
HAIRCUT CHART, NIGGA"?
325
00:16:24,633 --> 00:16:26,633
JUST ONE YEAR I JUST WANNA
WALK IN THE BARBERSHOP.
326
00:16:26,633 --> 00:16:29,333
I JUST SEE MYSELF.
I'M "NUMBER 9" IN THAT PICTURE...
327
00:16:37,333 --> 00:16:39,373
I'M LIKE, "YEAH,
LET ME GET ONE OF THEM NUMBER 9'S.
328
00:16:39,367 --> 00:16:42,027
I LIKE HOW HIS SHIT'S
FADED IN RIGHT THERE. I LIKE THAT."
329
00:16:43,867 --> 00:16:46,867
JUST HAVING FUN
WHILE I GOT IT, GOD DAMN IT. I GOT TWO KIDS.
330
00:16:46,867 --> 00:16:49,267
I GOT A SON AT HOME,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
331
00:16:49,266 --> 00:16:51,066
I GOT MY FIRST
NEWBORN AT HOME.
332
00:16:51,066 --> 00:16:54,626
GOT A SON RIGHT
AT THE CRIB WAITING ON ME RIGHT NOW.
333
00:16:54,633 --> 00:16:56,703
FINALLY
GOT A DAMN SON.
334
00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:58,930
I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D BE THAT CLOSE TO ANOTHER MAN'S DICK,
335
00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:02,304
BUT I GOT TO BATHE HIM.
I'M GONNA BUMP INTO IT SOMETIME.
336
00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:04,330
HE'LL PEE ON ME,
I WON'T EVEN GET MAD.
337
00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:06,703
I'LL BE LIKE,
"YOU JUST PEE ON YOUR DADDY.
338
00:17:06,700 --> 00:17:09,430
YOU JUST PEE ON..."
339
00:17:09,433 --> 00:17:11,373
THEM DAMN DIAPERS
SO DAMN EXPENSIVE.
340
00:17:11,367 --> 00:17:13,867
I'M PUTTING PAPER TOWELS
AROUND HIS ASS.
341
00:17:15,233 --> 00:17:18,933
USING BOUNCE,
THE QUICKER PICKER-UPPERS.
342
00:17:18,934 --> 00:17:22,534
WHERE ARE MY SINGLE LADIES?
SOME SINGLE LADIES IN THIS THING TONIGHT?
343
00:17:24,934 --> 00:17:27,504
LADIES, YOU ALL NEED
TO LOWER YOUR STANDARDS JUST A LITTLE BIT.
344
00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:31,400
Y'ALL DONE TOOK
THIS "BALLING" SHIT TOO GODDAMN FAR.
345
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,130
EVERYBODY ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR A BALLER.
346
00:17:33,133 --> 00:17:35,633
I AM NOT A BALLER.
I KNOW HOW TO SAVE MONEY.
347
00:17:35,633 --> 00:17:39,203
I PAY FOR A CONCERT
IN PENNIES UNWRAPPED.
348
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,230
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
HOW LONG THE LINE IS, DAMN IT.
349
00:17:41,233 --> 00:17:43,373
I GO STRAIGHT THERE
WITH A SHIRT FULL OF THEM.
350
00:17:43,367 --> 00:17:45,367
"HOLD ON...
351
00:17:45,367 --> 00:17:48,567
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT...
352
00:17:50,367 --> 00:17:53,167
NINE, 10, 11, 12, 13--
353
00:17:53,166 --> 00:17:55,766
HOW MUCH YOU SAY,
$84.50?
354
00:17:57,967 --> 00:18:01,227
WHERE I WAS, 13 OR 14?
YOU REMEMBER?
355
00:18:01,233 --> 00:18:03,703
YOU DON'T REMEMBER?
I'LL BE GOD DAMNED.
356
00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:05,770
GOTTA START ALL OVER
THIS BITCH.
357
00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:08,697
FOLKS BE IN LINE MAD--
"WELL, COME HELP ME PUT 'EM IN FILES THEN.
358
00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:12,270
I WON'T BE UP HERE
ALL GODDAMN DAY, NIGGA."
359
00:18:12,266 --> 00:18:14,866
JUST HAVING FUN
WITH MY LIFE WHILE I GOT IT, GOD DAMN IT.
360
00:18:14,867 --> 00:18:17,197
'CAUSE I'M ONE BROTHER
IN THIS WORLD THAT DON'T WANNA DIE.
361
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,330
I'M AFRAID TO GO.
I'M FINE RIGHT HERE.
362
00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:22,873
I AIN'T GOT TO GO
TO HEAVEN NOR HELL. I'M FINE RIGHT GODDAMN HERE.
363
00:18:22,867 --> 00:18:24,867
I KNOW THEY SAY IT'S
BETTER IN HEAVEN,
364
00:18:24,867 --> 00:18:26,827
BUT I'M FINE
RIGHT HERE, THOUGH.
365
00:18:26,834 --> 00:18:29,074
I AIN'T GOT TO GO
UP THERE. I DON'T WANNA WEAR WHITE EVERY DAY.
366
00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:31,066
I'M FINE
RIGHT GODDAMN HERE.
367
00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:33,066
I DON'T NEED NO WINGS.
I DON'T MIND WALKING.
368
00:18:33,066 --> 00:18:35,196
I'M FINE RIGHT
GODDAMN HERE.
369
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,600
L.A., I HOPE YOU ALL
ENJOYED THE BROTHER, MAN. I'M J.J., MAN.
370
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,230
I APPRECIATE IT.
371
00:18:40,233 --> 00:18:42,703
I APPRECIATE IT!
372
00:18:48,834 --> 00:18:51,334
YEAH!
373
00:18:51,333 --> 00:18:52,903
I JUST WANT
TO TELL YOU ALL, MAN.
374
00:18:52,900 --> 00:18:54,870
I'D LIKE TO TAKE
A LITTLE TIME OUT
375
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:59,597
AND THANK SOMEBODY
WHO IS VERY, VERY PINNACLE IN MY LIFE
376
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,030
AND ALL OF THESE
OTHER COMEDIANS OUT HERE, MAN.
377
00:19:02,033 --> 00:19:05,103
SOMEBODY WHO PAVED THE WAY--
IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT
378
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:07,100
FOR ME NOT TO MENTION
HIS NAME,
379
00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:09,470
BUT HE MADE
"DEF COMEDY JAM" POSSIBLE.
380
00:19:09,467 --> 00:19:12,227
AND LET'S GIVE
A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR RICHARD PRYOR, Y'ALL.
381
00:19:12,233 --> 00:19:14,533
LET'S GIVE IT UP
FOR RICHARD PRYOR.
382
00:19:15,433 --> 00:19:17,433
LOVE YOU, RICH.
383
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:25,430
HE...
I MEAN, FOR REAL, HE INSPIRED ME.
384
00:19:25,433 --> 00:19:28,533
Y'ALL SEE I GOT
MY PENITENTIARY SHIT ON RIGHT HERE.
385
00:19:28,533 --> 00:19:30,973
I WENT
TO PRISON IN 1989.
386
00:19:30,967 --> 00:19:32,567
I GOT THE PICTURE
WHEN I WENT,
387
00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:34,597
AND I GOT MY
"NOW" PICTURE ON THERE
388
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:38,170
TO LET THESE BITCHES KNOW
389
00:19:38,166 --> 00:19:42,466
THAT IT CAN HAPPEN,
THAT GOD IS REAL,
390
00:19:42,467 --> 00:19:44,697
IN THE FLESH.
391
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,670
COMING TO THE STAGE,
392
00:19:47,667 --> 00:19:51,367
STRAIGHT OUT
OF THE ATL-- ARNEZ J.!
393
00:20:03,367 --> 00:20:06,097
( laughing )
394
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:08,200
YEAH.
395
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,470
Y'ALL GOT ME.
396
00:20:16,467 --> 00:20:18,427
WHOO!
397
00:20:18,433 --> 00:20:21,433
Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA MAKE
A NIGGA CRY. Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA MAKE ME CRY.
398
00:20:21,433 --> 00:20:23,703
I'M GONNA GET
THIS SHOW STARTED.
399
00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:25,870
I'M JUST HAVING FUN
RIGHT NOW.
400
00:20:25,867 --> 00:20:28,827
I THINK, YOU KNOW--
I GOTTA SAY THIS.
401
00:20:28,834 --> 00:20:30,934
I THINK WE DONE FINALLY
PISSED GOD OFF.
402
00:20:30,934 --> 00:20:32,934
IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS,
WE HAVE NEVER SEEN
403
00:20:32,934 --> 00:20:35,304
THE DEVASTATION
THAT WE HAVE SEEN.
404
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:39,100
YOU KNOW HOW GRANDMAMA
WOULD SAY, "WELL, GOD IS ON HIS WAY BACK"?
405
00:20:39,100 --> 00:20:41,300
WHETHER YOU
BELIEVE IN JESUS OR NOT, IT REALLY DON'T MATTER,
406
00:20:41,300 --> 00:20:43,970
'CAUSE HE'S ON HIS WAY,
AND, WHITE PEOPLE, THIS GO FOR Y'ALL,
407
00:20:43,967 --> 00:20:45,667
Y'ALL KNOW THE TSUNAMIS?
408
00:20:45,667 --> 00:20:47,897
WE AIN'T SEEN NOTHING
LIKE THAT EVER.
409
00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:50,470
BUT, WHITE PEOPLE,
LOOK HERE, DO ME A FAVOR,
410
00:20:50,467 --> 00:20:53,967
IF YOU SEE WATER COMING
AT YOU THAT IS TALLER THAN THE BUILDING,
411
00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:57,297
PLEASE DON'T DO THIS,
"MY GOD!"
412
00:21:03,333 --> 00:21:05,173
DO SOMETHING.
413
00:21:05,166 --> 00:21:06,726
LET ME SHOW YOU
HOW A NIGGA DO IT.
414
00:21:06,734 --> 00:21:09,174
"NIGGA, WHAT'S THAT
COMING DOWN...?
415
00:21:09,166 --> 00:21:10,996
MAN, COME HERE, NIGGA.
416
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,100
UH-UH, I KNOW...
OH, HELL!"
417
00:21:16,700 --> 00:21:20,070
AND YOU AIN'T GOTTA TELL
ANOTHER BLACK MAN TO RUN.
418
00:21:20,066 --> 00:21:22,326
YOU AIN'T GOTTA TELL
ANOTHER BLACK MAN TO RUN.
419
00:21:22,333 --> 00:21:24,303
'CAUSE WHEN THAT
FIRST NIGGA TAKE OFF,
420
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:28,030
THAT OTHER BROTHER
RIGHT BEHIND HIM-- "NIGGA, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?"
421
00:21:32,100 --> 00:21:35,800
NOW LET'S SAY THERE'S
TWO WHITE DUDES STANDING THERE.
422
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:37,530
I'M TELLING YOU,
ONE OF THEM TAKE OFF,
423
00:21:37,533 --> 00:21:39,173
LET ME SHOW YOU
WHAT THE OTHER ONE DO.
424
00:21:39,166 --> 00:21:42,396
"PAUL! PAUL!
425
00:21:43,367 --> 00:21:45,567
HEY WHERE--
PAUL!"
426
00:21:46,900 --> 00:21:50,430
"PAUL, WHERE YOU GOING?
427
00:21:50,433 --> 00:21:52,803
GOD, HE JUST TAKES OFF.
YOU HEAR THAT ROAR?"
428
00:21:54,700 --> 00:21:57,500
BUT I WANNA SAY THESE
TWO THINGS BEFORE I GO.
429
00:21:57,500 --> 00:22:00,570
FIRST OF ALL,
Y'ALL A BEAUTIFUL AUDIENCE, BUT I DO WANNA SAY THIS.
430
00:22:00,567 --> 00:22:02,997
WE GOT TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER,
AND I GOTTA SAY THIS TO MY BLACK MEN
431
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,930
MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE.
432
00:22:04,934 --> 00:22:06,974
YOU NEED TO GO
TO THE DOCTOR. WE GOT A PROBLEM.
433
00:22:06,967 --> 00:22:09,367
WE'RE NOT GOING TO THE DOCTOR
AND GETTING CHECKED OUT.
434
00:22:09,367 --> 00:22:13,297
TOO MANY OF US ARE DYING
FROM COLON CANCER.
435
00:22:14,433 --> 00:22:17,403
I WENT,
YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW...
436
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:19,430
YEAH, I WENT
AND HAD A COLONOSCOPY.
437
00:22:19,433 --> 00:22:21,833
IT'S GONNA HURT.
IT'S GONNA HURT.
438
00:22:21,834 --> 00:22:23,604
OKAY, WHAT THEY DO
IS THEY PUT A POLE--
439
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,630
IT FELT LIKE IT WAS
ABOUT THAT LONG.
440
00:22:25,633 --> 00:22:28,703
ALL I KNOW IS THEY
TREATED ME LIKE A RAPE VICTIM.
441
00:22:28,700 --> 00:22:31,500
THEY THREW A SHEET OVER
ME WHEN THEY WERE DONE, TALKING ABOUT "GET DRESSED."
442
00:22:31,500 --> 00:22:34,170
I'M LIKE, "YOU AIN'T GONNA
CALL A NIGGA NO MORE? WHAT'S UP?
443
00:22:34,166 --> 00:22:36,566
SO THEN THEY WANT YOU
444
00:22:36,567 --> 00:22:38,067
TO LAY ON THE BED
LIKE THIS.
445
00:22:38,066 --> 00:22:41,866
I'M A GROWN MAN.
I GOT NO BUSINESS LAYING LIKE THIS.
446
00:22:41,867 --> 00:22:43,867
THEN THEY TAKE THIS ROD.
THEY SAY THEY'RE GONNA PUT IT
447
00:22:43,867 --> 00:22:46,027
UP IN YOUR RECTUM
AND PUT AIR UP IN IT.
448
00:22:46,033 --> 00:22:48,803
HE SAID, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO PUT THIS IN YOUR BOOTY." I SAID, "WAIT, DAWG.
449
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,000
WAIT, LET A NIGGA GET READY.
WAIT A MINUTE.
450
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,970
YOU AIN'T GONNA
KNOCK ME OUT OR NOTHING?
451
00:22:52,967 --> 00:22:55,597
YOU JUST GONNA
'BROKEBACK' ME WHILE I'M UP, NIGGA?"
452
00:22:58,767 --> 00:23:02,427
AND I DON'T CARE
HOW MUCH OF A MAN YOU THINK YOU ARE,
453
00:23:02,433 --> 00:23:05,703
WHEN YOU GOT ANOTHER MAN
STANDING BEHIND YOU WITH A ROD,
454
00:23:05,700 --> 00:23:07,800
OH, THE GAY
GONNA COME OUT.
455
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,500
NOW HE PUT IT UP IN,
I'M LIKE... "OH!" ( grunting )
456
00:23:11,900 --> 00:23:14,630
( laughs )
457
00:23:14,633 --> 00:23:18,373
ALL I WAS SAYING WAS,
"LORD, PLEASE DON'T LET MY DICK GET HARD, PLEASE.
458
00:23:18,367 --> 00:23:21,597
PLEASE DON'T LET
MY DICK GET HARD.
459
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:23,630
I'M A MAN.
460
00:23:23,633 --> 00:23:26,203
I'M A MAN!"
461
00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:30,100
I SAID, "PLEASE KEEP IT SOFT
LIKE RUBBER, LORD, PLEASE."
462
00:23:30,100 --> 00:23:32,470
HE SAID, "YOU'RE GONNA
FEEL A LITTLE PRESSURE ON YOUR STOMACH."
463
00:23:32,467 --> 00:23:36,367
I SAID, "THAT'S COOL,
BUT YOU GOT IT IN MY HEART.
464
00:23:36,367 --> 00:23:38,397
TAKE IT OUT,
PLEASE, TAKE IT OUT." SO HE PULLED IT OUT.
465
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,300
HE SAID, "OOPS."
"OOPS?
466
00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:43,470
WAIT A MINUTE, DAWG.
THAT'S MY BOOTY HOLE. WHAT YOU MEAN, 'OOPS?'"
467
00:23:43,467 --> 00:23:46,497
HE SAID, "WE LEFT
TOO MUCH AIR UP THERE." "YOU LEFT TOO MUCH AIR!"
468
00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:49,900
I SAID, "WHAT'S GONNA
HAPPEN? IS A BUBBLE GONNA GO AND MY BRAIN GONNA POP?"
469
00:23:49,900 --> 00:23:53,300
HE SAID, "NO, MR. J.
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN IS YOU'RE GONNA PASS GAS.
470
00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:55,400
AND YOU'RE
GONNA GET RID OF IT." I SAID, "OKAY, I'M COOL.
471
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,170
I CAN DEAL WITH THAT."
BUT SEE...
472
00:23:57,166 --> 00:24:00,496
HE DIDN'T TELL YOU
WHEN YOU WAS GONNA PASS GAS.
473
00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:04,030
AND THAT YOU WOULD NOT
BE ABLE TO STOP IT.
474
00:24:04,033 --> 00:24:07,673
NIGGA, I AM
ON THE ELEVATOR.
475
00:24:07,667 --> 00:24:09,727
THESE SISTERS GET ON.
I'M LIKE, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING?"
476
00:24:09,734 --> 00:24:11,334
SHE'S LIKE,
"HOW YOU DOING? "
477
00:24:11,333 --> 00:24:13,633
I'M LIKE...
"PRR-RRT!
478
00:24:13,633 --> 00:24:15,973
OH, MY GOD--
PRR-RRT!"
479
00:24:15,967 --> 00:24:18,167
I TRIED TO SUCK IT UP.
TRIED TO STOP IT.
480
00:24:18,166 --> 00:24:20,226
MY BOOTY WAS LIKE,
"NO!"
481
00:24:20,233 --> 00:24:22,533
"PRR-RRT!"
482
00:24:25,433 --> 00:24:29,103
I DIDN'T KNOW IT
TOOK TWO DAYS FOR YOUR BOOTY HOLE TO CLOSE, EITHER.
483
00:24:29,100 --> 00:24:31,230
I DIDN'T.
I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET--
484
00:24:31,233 --> 00:24:33,333
"WHOO-OOT!"
485
00:24:33,333 --> 00:24:36,073
MY FRIEND WAS LIKE,
"WHAT'S THAT NOISE?" I'M LIKE, "NIGGA, I DON'T KNOW."
486
00:24:36,066 --> 00:24:37,296
"WHOO-OOT!"
487
00:24:37,300 --> 00:24:39,930
HE SAID, "IS YOUR
BOOTY HOLE LEAKING?"
488
00:24:39,934 --> 00:24:41,874
I TRIED TO SIT DOWN
IN A CAR--
489
00:24:41,867 --> 00:24:43,967
( hisses )
"TSS-SS!"
490
00:24:43,967 --> 00:24:47,067
SO I'M JUST SAYING
GO GET IT CHECKED OUT.
491
00:24:47,066 --> 00:24:49,066
AND BEFORE I GO,
I JUST WANNA SAY THIS--
492
00:24:49,066 --> 00:24:52,396
WHO ARE THE MOST FUNNIEST
PEOPLE IN OUR FAMILIES?
493
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,230
UNCLES ARE THE FUNNIEST
PEOPLE IN OUR FAMILIES.
494
00:24:55,233 --> 00:24:57,633
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S GETTING READY TO HAPPEN.
495
00:24:57,633 --> 00:24:59,973
THIS IS A TRIBUTE...
496
00:25:02,300 --> 00:25:04,530
Y'ALL KNOW
THAT'S SEXY, NIGGA.
497
00:25:04,533 --> 00:25:07,273
Y'ALL KNOW
THAT IS SEXY!
498
00:25:08,467 --> 00:25:10,597
NOW...
499
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:18,500
NOW I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE,
500
00:25:18,500 --> 00:25:21,000
BUT I KNOW EVERYBODY BLACK
AND LATINO GOT AN UNCLE IN THEIR FAMILIES
501
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:24,170
SOMEWHERE DOWN THE LINE
THAT DRESS JUST LIKE THIS.
502
00:25:24,166 --> 00:25:26,226
NIPPLES RIGHT
TO THE BELT LOOP...
503
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:29,333
AND GOT THAT ONE
LITTLE NUT THAT HANG ON THE SIDE
504
00:25:29,333 --> 00:25:32,273
AND GOT THAT LITTLE
UNDERBELLY RIGHT THERE.
505
00:25:32,266 --> 00:25:36,196
AND MY UNCLE CHARLIE'S
ONE OF THEM OLD-SCHOOL NIGGAS,
506
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:38,130
YOU KNOW, THEY START
LOOKING FOR THEIR...
507
00:25:38,133 --> 00:25:40,303
"THERE IT IS, NIGGA."
508
00:25:42,233 --> 00:25:45,373
SO WAIT A MINUTE.
509
00:25:45,367 --> 00:25:47,367
AND OLD-SCHOOL CATS
THINK
510
00:25:47,367 --> 00:25:49,367
THEY ARE THE BEST DANCERS
IN THE WORLD.
511
00:25:49,367 --> 00:25:51,197
MY UNCLE CHARLIE WAS LIKE,
"WAIT A MINUTE, NIGGA.
512
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,600
YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT THAT."
513
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:56,500
NOW I GOTTA SHOW YOU
HOW LAST YEAR I HAD TO GO TO MY FAMILY REUNION.
514
00:25:56,500 --> 00:25:59,470
AND MY UNCLE CHARLIE
WAS IN THE KITCHEN COOKING SOME FISH.
515
00:25:59,467 --> 00:26:02,697
AND ALL MY AUNTIES
ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM DANCING.
516
00:26:02,700 --> 00:26:05,200
THEY START GETTING
THAT LITTLE BOOTY DANCE WHEN THEY START DANCING.
517
00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:07,570
THEY BE LIKE,
"OH, YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
518
00:26:07,567 --> 00:26:09,497
GO ON NOW."
519
00:26:09,500 --> 00:26:11,730
NOW MY UNCLE CHARLIE
WAS IN THE KITCHEN AND HEARD THIS SONG,
520
00:26:11,734 --> 00:26:14,574
CAME OUT AND LOST
HIS LIVING MIND.
521
00:26:14,567 --> 00:26:17,867
I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU
WHEN HE PLAYED THIS SONG,
522
00:26:17,867 --> 00:26:19,467
FIRST OF ALL,
HE WAS IN THE KITCHEN.
523
00:26:19,467 --> 00:26:22,627
- HE JUST KEPT HEARING
THIS MUSIC. - ( funk music playing )
524
00:26:22,633 --> 00:26:25,133
"WHAT YOU ALL DOING
OUT HERE?
525
00:26:25,133 --> 00:26:27,573
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
526
00:26:27,567 --> 00:26:29,827
AW, WAIT A MINUTE NOW.
527
00:26:29,834 --> 00:26:33,104
Y'ALL DON'T KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT CHARLIE, NOW.
528
00:26:33,100 --> 00:26:35,800
WAIT A MINUTE-- AH!
529
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:38,900
NOW Y'ALL DON'T KNOW
NOTHING ABOUT CHARLIE NOW."
530
00:26:42,300 --> 00:26:45,400
"OH, WAIT A MINUTE."
531
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:47,870
MY NAME IS ARNEZ.
I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH.
532
00:27:12,266 --> 00:27:15,526
THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.
GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT.
533
00:27:15,533 --> 00:27:18,273
( theme music playing )
534
00:27:18,323 --> 00:27:22,873
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