All language subtitles for The.Madame.Blanc.Mysteries.S01E02.720p.HDTV.x264

Maman.

VOICES OUTSIDE

YELLING

KNOCKING ON DOOR

MAN SPEAKING OUTSIDE

SHOUTING

KNOCKING ON DOOR,
SHOUTING

SOBBING

SHE GASPS

SIGHS

# Do you remember the first time
that my eyes set on you?

# Your smile came from nowhere

# For some time never

# Or some time soon

# The road is a long one

# I was only passing through

# I was only passing through. #

Bonjour. Bonjour. Are you
the landlord?

I am indeed. Miles.

Niall.

I wondered if I could put
this up on your notice board.

Oh, I love this show.

Oh, thanks.

The one where the bloke double
glazed all the chateau windows

and then he had to change them back.
That's brilliant telly.

Glad you're a fan. And you're coming
to Saint Victoire?

Yeah. We have a couple of artists
from Nice,

a couple of vineyard owners
from Bordeaux,

and we thought we'd come
the antique capital

of the south to complete the set.

When? Tomorrow.

A bit short notice, I know.
No, not at all.

Word will get around town quick.

Especially when my wife hears.

Now, she was a pop star, you know?

Wow! Gosh, I thought I was coming
here for the antiques.

You never know who you're going to
come across in this job.

Hey, come along for a casting.

You try stopping me. Super.

All right. Is it OK if I plug in my
laptop while I do a bit of work?

Yeah, sure it is.

And what can I get you to drink?

I'll have a glass of Pomerol.

Excellent choice. On the house.

Thanks.

So we just give up, then?

Let her admit to killing my husband
and get away with it?

It was not technically
an admittance.

Sorry, did you read the note?

"Smoking kills."

My husband's lighter was filled
with cyanide,

and she posted me the missing valve.

What more admittance do you need?

We called the florist.

The flowers were ordered online
under a temporary email address.

Can we check how they were paid
for or...?

We have. There is no trace.

So what do we do now?

The ring and the note have both
been sent off to our forensics.

As soon as we have the results,
you will be the first to know.

And how long will that take?

As long as it takes.

Thanks, Andre.

We are doing everything we can,
Mrs White.

Thank you.

Where are you going?
"As long as it takes."

My husband gets murdered,
and he says, "As long as it takes."

What more can he do, Jean?

There just isn't enough to go on.

Why are you all so calm round here?

What's it going to take
to get you worked up?

Look, I understand that you're mad,
but... But what?

Andre is a good copper. And if he
says he's doing everything he can,

then he is.

Great.

A large G&T, please, Niall.
Do you want one?

No, you're all right.

I'll just have a lemonade what with
it still be morning.

I'll bring them over, then, shall I?

Yeah. OK.

Niall, can I...?

Oh, cheers, Niall.

You're welcome, Miles.

You're being served, Dom?

Yes. Er, no, I was.

Oh, he's back now. I'll have a large
gin and tonic

and a lemonade, please.

Bit early, isn't it?

What a lovely bloke.

Yeah? He's a TV producer.

Who...Who's a TV producer?

Miles. He's in town casting for
A New Life In France.

The post is on the notice board.

Oh, I love that show. Me too.

Have you seen the one with the
double glazing? Oh, yeah!

"Take 'em out!" When's the castings?

Excuse me. Er, Mrs White?

Hello. My name is Adele.

I work for Judith and Jeremy.

Oh, yes. I saw you over there when I
was looking at the fake cutlery.

Yeah. Yes.

And I wondered if you could use
your expertise to help me.

Oh, then, sit down.

Well, I'll... I'll do my best.

My mother is quite ill and suffers
from night terrors.

She has had them all her life
ever since being a child

of Nazi-occupied France.

But...recently they have got
very, very much worse.

Oh, that's awful.

She treasures this old book left
by her mother

and is convinced that the secrets of
this book

will give her the answers she needs.

I want her to find peace.

I need your help.

Darling, would you happen to have a
couple of spare

Chateauneuf- Du — Pa pes lying around?

I don't know how it happened
but we seem to have run out!

Hello.

Hello.

Earth calling Celine.

Can I help you, Judith?

Is she all right?

She's excited about Miles.

Miles?

TV producer in town looking for
a couple

to appear on A New Life In France.

TV producer?

I'll go and collect some empties.

Two bottles of Pape, was it, Judith?

You better make it four.

JEAN: So, when can I come
and look at this book, then?

Is this afternoon OK?

That would be perfect. Thank you.

I'm going to slip away before
I'm seen. It's my day off.

Yes, I hear you.

Er, bonjour. Bonjour.

My husband tells me
that are in television.

I am indeed. Yes.

Hang on, are you the landlady?

Yes, Celine.

Bonjour. A pleasure to meet you.

Actually, Celine, I wonder if you
could answer a question for me.

That beautiful chateau I saw
on the edge of town,

do you know who owns it?

I think I might be able
to answer that question for you.

Judith Lloyd James.

Me.

And my husband.

Oh, a delight to meet you, Judith.

Why don't you pop up to the chateau
and have a look round?

Because he's finishing his drink
here in my pub.

Well, why don't you finish your
drink here and I'll get my husband

to chauffeur us back for lunch
to my chateau?

Well, that would be great.
Thank you.

Lovely.

Might as well finish this one off.

Oh, no more for me, please, Jeremy.

I shouldn't really drink on the job.

And what an interesting
job it is, top.

How do you get into it?

I sort of fell into it, really.

Took a media course at uni and
caught the bug.

Oh, fabulous.

Oxford or Cambridge?

I'm an Oxford boy myself.

Manchester Metropolitan.

Oh, how modern.

Thanks again for the drinks.

I read need to be...

The silver screen is something
that has always beckoned me.

I was a child star, you know?

Really? Oh, yes, I was in
Shirley's Shakers.

Sorry?

Oh, yes, we were very big in the
East Midlands.

Were you? I would've worked all
round the world

if it wasn't for
my...dropped arches.

You have a really beautiful home.

Oh, it's been in the family
for generations.

Father was a little hard up, so we
snapped it up,

didn't we, darling?

I mean, obviously we do still have a
place back in Blighty,

but it's so bloody gloomy there.

Overall, we absolutely love it here.

I just wish more of them
could speak English.

I mean, some of them don't even try.

Would you two be interested
in appearing in the show?

I hadn't even thought about it.

I always like to find the nucleus
of the show.

Darling, did you hear that?
We are the nucleus.

Of course, I will need to see
other couples, too.

If it was up to me...

Of course.

Is there any way we can help?

Do you know anywhere local
I can hold the auditions?

Minecraft. Coffee?

Oh, lovely. Thank you.

For medicinal purposes.

Ah, Minecraft.

Have you heard of it?

Is that the virtual Lego game?

Yes, tres bien.

When arthritis took charge
of my hands,

technology offered me
an alternative.

It's a wonderful thing.

I am Eleanor. Jean.

Thank you.

And to what do we owe the pleasure
of your visit?

Jean is an expert on antiques.

I thought it might help if you let
her look at the book.

In 1943, my mother and brother
was snatched by the Nazis

right in front of my eyes.

My mother hid me in a cupboard,
gave me this box,

and told me to hide for as long
as I could.

The last time I saw her face
was through a crack in the door

as the Nazis dragged her and
Henri away.

I was found by our cleaner, Marie,

and I lived with that wonderful
woman for the rest of my childhood.

Did they take your father, as well?

I can only assume so.

He vanished just before my mother
and brother.

I suspect it had something to do
with the huge art collection

he had accumulated.

That... That is horrific.

I thought for so long
that she had abandoned me.

Chosen my brother over me.

But then I realised she had given
me a chance to survive.

She had a better chance
of saving one of us.

So, how can I help?

As I left with Marie, I grabbed
this book that had been left

on the hall table.

La Chanson De Roland.

One of the most popular chanson
de geste.

Songs of deeds, popular from the
beginning of the 12th century,

typically about King Charlemagne.

There is an inscription
in my mother's handwriting

that I have never been able
to fathom.

"Bouvez de I'eau de I'ecrivain

"pres de I'endroit ou les braves
sont tombes.

"Ou le traitre se repose

"est vous trouverez votre destin."

Ah.

"Drink from the writer's water

"close to where the brave
have fallen.

"Where the traitor lies,

"you will find your fate."

I have been trying to work out
for so many years what that means.

My mother and father
were very wealthy people.

I think they tried to hide some
of their riches from the Nazis.

I have always been convinced
this riddle will lead me to it.

Oh.

Now I am nearing the end of my life,

I just need to know.

Can you help me?

The end of your life?

They told me I had three months...

"a Year ago.

I am living on borrowed time.

To put this to rest before I die...

...would be a wonderful thing.

Maman.
ADELE SOBS

Chert.

I promise you, I will try my best.

Oh. Your necklace, is
it...suffragettes?

Les Anglaises,

you are not all bad.

SHE LAUGHS

Becky, I found us a place to cast
the show.

Yes, I know.

I am pretty amazing.

And it's for free.

It'll save us three grand, at least.

It's local.

Batty old couple offered
us their place.

It's a chateau.

They didn't mention payment,
so I certainly wasn't going to.

And Becky...

...next time, try and answer in
less than three rings.

Comprendre?

Did you know, if you stretched it
out into a single strand,

there's enough DNA inside you to
leave the Solar System?

That's fascinating.

Shall I book you a taxi?

All right, smart mouth.

Just because you're jealous
of my vast intellect.

Can your vast intellect get me
a coffee?

It's your turn. No, it isn't.

Yes, it is. No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hello.

Erm, I'm so sorry to bother you.

I just wondered, because you know
the area so well,

could you have a look at something
for me?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, hello.

Oh, good timing, actually.

Claudette was just about to make
some coffee. Weren't you, Claudette?

I mean, she practically
dragged him to the chateau.

She must have been keen.
She forgot her wine.

The woman must be desperate.

I mean, who wants to appear on a
cheap TV show anyway?

Hey, guys, I'm going to be holding
castings for the show

up at the chateau tomorrow.
Can I just put on the location?

Of course.

I'd love you to come along.

I've never had a landlord
and landlady on the show before.

Always the lynchpins of a community.

Give me a call. I'm popping back up
there now to set up.

Will do. Thanks, Miles.

Pleasure.

She seems to think this book
is the key to her inheritance.

God, she was only seven.

I can't imagine how terrifying that
must have been.

It's beyond comprehension.

"Where the brave have fallen."

Hang on.

Now, I know this looks messy, but I
know exactly where everything is.

Where did you get this?

I haven't seen one of these
for years.

Yeah. Wedding present.

Horrible, innit?

You do know what this is?

It's a paperweight with a dead
lizard inside.

Slightly boss-eyed.
JEAN CHUCKLES

This is a Pantin
salamander paperweight.

You see, the lampwork is
so exquisite

that it looks like the salamander
is real.

Oh, blimey. There you go.

And you know how much it's worth?

No.

This could be worth thousands.

Really?

That thing?

Really.

I can get rid of it for you if
you want. I know loads of dealers.

No, no, no, no.

I'll save that for a rainy day.

Right. Thank you, Auntie Flo.
JEAN CHUCKLES

Right, now...

...we are looking for the
writer's water.

So, the original writer was a Norman
poet called Turold.

Here in the last line.

Is that what you used
before technology?

Well, technology was a little bit
different in 1943.

Oh, that's it.

We need a map from 1943.

The library.

They've got a massive
cartography section.

Oh, brill.

What's cartography?

It's the art of maps.

Well, more of a science, really.
I love a good map, me.

Hm. I mean, sat navs are all
very well,

but there's nothing like the romance
of a battered old road map.

You know, it's a dying art.
Yeah, I'm with you there.

Should we go, then? Why
don't you just Google it?

Or does that, like, spoil
the romance?

Right, I'm off to meet Xav. Laters.

Maybe we should, erm, Google...
Google it. Google it, yeah.

Erm...

So, what was the name again?

Tu rold.

There it is. It's a well.

Well, well, well.

Stop being daft.

Oh.

What?

It's in the Chateau Garden.

Oh.

MILES: So, I plan to start early,
so I'll be here around 9am.

My pleasure. Now, listen, we don't
surface before midday,

so put us down for a late slot, OK?

No problem. Oh! Hello, you two.

What a delight to see you both.

Now, this is Miles.

He's a TV producer.

I like your suit.

Hi, I'm Dom. Miles.

Hi, I'm Jean.

Hi, Jean.

You're a day early.

The castings are tomorrow.

Castings?

Oh. Oh, no.

We're not a couple. What?

He's looking for couples for
A New Life In France.

You two would be perfect for it.

Erm...

...here to see Jeremy, actually.

There's a reference to a well
in a book that I'm reading,

and we're led to believe that
it's... Well, it's in your garden.

The well. Yes, yes.

Grandfather built it during the war.

Father had it filled in ages ago.

So, there was one here?

Erm, could you show us where it was?

HORN BEEPS
All right. That'll be my taxi.

Thanks again for the help, Jeremy.

And maybe I'll see you tomorrow.

I don't think so.

Yes, my father had it
filled in

because Walter fell down it twice.

Walter?

Alsatian. Ex-police dog.

My childhood pet. Lost an eye
in the line of duty.

Lived till he was 18.

Ah. Well, here we are.

When was it filled in?

Well, I can't really remember.
When I was a child.

What are we looking for?

Er...

...I'm not sure, but...

...I don't think it's here.

Well, thanks for letting
us have a look.

My pleasure.

Why didn't you go out the back gate?

It's nearer the road.

You sure you won't join us for a
little aperitif?

Oh, got a taxi run, but
thanks anyway.

No problem.

Right, well, I'm going to get back
and sort out the old girl.

Toodle-pip.

Where do we go now?

I wonder when that wall was built?

Come on.

I wish it was a little bit spookier.

Black Cross.

Oh, yeah, that's done it.

That's interesting.

Is it?

Well, historically, the Black Cross
was a symbol of the Prussian army.

Maybe the Nazis buried their fallen
here in plain sight.

What, and Eleanor's mum thought
this was a good place

to hide their treasure?

Right.

OK.

In the poem, the bloke who was
the traitor was called Ganelon.

So I suppose that's the name
we're looking for.

What's a French bloke doing
a German burial ground?

JEAN SIGHS

"Drink from the writer's water

"close to where the brave
have fallen.

"There the traitor lies..."

It's Resistance.

Oh, Ganelon. Found him.

No-o-o!

Here you go, lovely. Oh.
Oh, thank you, love.

Mm. Coffee's fantastic here.

How were you feeling?

Me?

I'm fine.

Thanks for coming, love.
I didn't know Claudette's number,

and I didn't know who else to ring.

You did right, love.

Me and Dom go back a long way.

Ey, have you heard about
the castings?

Castings?

That telly programme about living
in France.

They're auditioning in
Sainte Victoire.

Yeah, we bumped into the producer
just before this happened.

I think I might go for it.

I thought they were looking
for couples.

They might not know what they want
until it's in front of them.

Anyhow, show business runs
in the family.

My Auntie Joyce was a phone a friend
on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

Oh, did she get it right?

No.

JEAN SIGHS

He's a lovely bloke, isn't he?

He certainly is.

What happened with his wife?

DOM GROANS

Hey, hello there.

What happened?

It was a booby trap.

You were really lucky.

I worked out that Eleanor's
mum was in the Resistance.

Eleanor said that she picked
up the book on the way

out of the house, but her mum
must have left it there

for the Nazis to find.

Sorry, I'm...I'm not following.

OK. Sorry, I'll try and
explain. Right.

Can you keep it simple because my
head is banging?

In occupied France, the Resistance
used this as a common tactic.

They would leave fake clues
to lure the Nazis

to find supposed buried treasure.

Really? Mm.

Oh, it was such a clever
double bluff.

Cos when the Nazis worked out
the clues,

they got led to a place
and then blown up.

Blimey. Mm-hm.

Do I look as crusty as I feel?

Crustier. Yeah.

We're back to square one, then?

Looks like it.

Hey.

How does the other fella look?

Not as good as you two.

You look awful.
Thank you very much.

We've got a casting.

It's been suggested that we,
Niall and I,

are going to be the
leading characters.

Oh, wow. Are they doing a remake
of Misery?

It's a high quality
TV show, actually.

Hey. Dom's been blown up
if you hadn't noticed.

He triggered a booby trap that was
meant for the Nazis.

NIALL: Like you do.

Anyway, I'd better be off.

See you later.

Glad you're here.

Dad, are you OK?

Ooh, not too hard!

I'm still a little bit delicate.

What's going on?

We've got a casting.

I mean with my dad.

They uncovered a bomb meant
for the Nazis.

They?

Jean and Dom.

I'm sorry, Claudette. It was...
It was all my fault.

No, it was no—one's fault. We were
just trying to help someone out.

It's not much help getting you
blown up, is it?

Erm, it's probably time to go.

Ooh.

Thanks for being here.

See you both soon.

We'd better be off, too.

We need to warm up.

SHE DOES VOCAL EXERCISES

Hi.

Take a seat.

Thanks.

Gloria.

AMERICAN ACCENT: No worries.

What of the States are you from?

New York.

Oh, I love the city.

That walk in The High Line
in the spring,

there's nowhere quite like it.

Oh, yeah, and the coffee
is to die for.

Are you really from New York?

NORMAL ACCENT: No.

Where are you from?

Manchester.

Right.

Actually, it's nearer Oldham.

MILES SIGHS
Do you want to hear me song now?

Why not?

Here we go.

# That's right... #

And he will recover, yes?

Yes.

He's been very lucky.

The doctor said one step
to the left

and it would have been a
different story.

So your mum was in the Resistance.

Yes, she was.

Wow.

Quite the woman.

Have you got anything else
I can look at?

Maybe in the box.
ELEANOR SIGHS

Have another look.

Right.

Do you know where this was taken?

No.

Why?

Well...

...the picture in the background...

Well, it looks like a Cezanne.

But...it's hard to tell whether it's
a print or the original.

Can...Can I take this?

Yes, of course.

But please bring it back to me.

Oh, well, hopefully with
your treasure.

ELEANOR LAUGHS

Thank you so much for helping me
and for not giving up.

You...You are truly a woman
of your word.

Well...deeds not words, eh?

So, what is it that makes
Sainte Victoire such a vital place

for the antique collector?

I think the geographical placing
has a lot to do with it.

Don't you think, Celine?

If you like a load of old junk,
it's the only place to be.

OK, thanks. That's great.

I think I've got what I need there.

Really? Don't you want to hear about
the Eurovision Song Contest?

You know, my monitors
were sabotaged.

That sounds fantastic, but that's
all for today.

You were brilliant. Thank you, both.

Do you know when they'll be making
any decisions? Yes.

Tomorrow evening. I'll pop in the
pub and let you know before I leave.

Thank you.

Oh, hi. You've not seen Jean
here today by any chance?

No, no, we're the last couple here.

Save the best till last.

Darling, Judith...

Erm, Judith...

So, you bought the house from your
own family, then?

Yes. It's quite an
interesting story...

Oh, Miles, this is going to be so
much fun.

The girls at the bridge club are
going to be so jealous.

Mind you, between ourselves,
they are quite jealous already.

I mean, I said, "It's not my fault I
can eat what I want

"and stay so slim."

Beauty can be a curse,
you know, Miles.

So, when do we start?

Darling, we haven't been chosen yet.

SHE SNIGGERS
Oh, come on, don't be silly.

Who...Who else is going to come
close in this village?

Will there be a wrap party?

A what?

Well, you know, that's the party
they throw

after the production is finished,
and it is always wild.

Oh, how exciting.

Judith, let's not get carried away.

Oh, Miles, darling, I think
you can rely on us

to be the most gracious of
celebrity couples.

It won't faze us.

I was once in a lift with
Terry Wogan

and I didn't bat an eyelid.

Pardon?

THEY SPEAK FRENCH

BELL DINGS
Oh, hello.

Ah, Madame White.

To what do we owe the pleasure?

Well, I wondered if you'd look
at something for me.

Now, I've had a look, but I can't
quite tell

if this Cezanne is a print or it's
an original.

Bien sur. It's highly likely
to be an original

since he used to live in the
next village. Did he?

That's amazing.

Cezanne is...is one
of my favourite artists.

His brush strokes, his darkness.

His depression.

The father of us all.

Pardon? That's what Picasso
called Cezanne.

Tres bien.

Ah, oui.

Eden sur.

Right. Well, thank you.

And, erm, au revoir.

Au revoir.

THEY YELL IN FRENCH

Bonjour. Bonjour.

I was wondering if you could
help me.

I'm looking for any information
on...on this.

Ah, oui.

Oh, merci.

# Petite Ellie, petite Ellie

# Dormez vous, dormez vous

# Ellie dans sa nuisette... #

Voila, Madame.

# Ding, dang, dong... #

Ah.

She received a citizen of merit.

Oh.

Voila.

I'm so sorry. I thought
we had a breakthrough

with this Cezanne, but it looks
like it belonged to the museum

the whole time.

It's all right.

I don't think there's anything
your mother couldn't do.

How wonderful it would have been
to have known her

when I was a young woman.

What a force she would have
been now.

She would have loved all
the opportunities,

the way technology
lays the world at your fingertips.

Oh.

CHUCKLING: I used to have one
of these.

MUSIC BOX PLAYS

# Petite Ellie, petite Ellie

# Dormez vous, dormez vous

# Ellie dans sa nuisette

# Ellie dans sa nuisette

# Ding, dang, dong

# Ding, dang, dong. #

What did you just sing?

My personal lullaby.

My mother rewrote the words for me.

Ellie dans sa nuisette?

Nuisette, oui.

Does that mean Ellie in her nightie?

Oui.

Erm, Eleanor, this is going to sound
really strange,

but could I have a look at your
walking stick, please?

Eden sur.

Thank you.

Do you mind?

Be my guest.

Where did you find this?

In my mother's books.

Adele thought it would be fun
to make it into a topper

for my walking stick.

BEEPING

MACHINE BEEPS

This is gold.

24—carat.

SHE EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH

I have never really paid it
any attention.

Ellie in her nightie.

My personal lullaby.

Yes. But also a term for
the Rolls-Royce Spirit of Ecstasy.

You know those little angels
on the front of a Rolls-Royce car?

Yes.

Well, they were inspired by an
actress called Eleanor Thornton.

And they've been called all
different names,

like Flying Lady, and the
Silver Lady,

and, erm, Ellie in her Nightie.

My father had a very big car.

The Nazis seized it when they took
my mother and brother.

She kept her word.

Maman was trying to tell me
she was beside me all this time.

# Ellie dans sa nuisette

# Ellie dans sa nuisette

# Ding, dang, dong. #

Eleanor...

...what was your brother
called again?

DOM: If walls could talk, eh?

Like time travellers in paintings.

What?

Look at any old painting, there's
always one face

that shouldn't be there.

One face that's just out of synch
with everybody else.

Time travellers.

Sorry about that.

Some people have too many questions.

No problem.

Hi, I'm Jean White.

And I'm Dom.

Hello.

I was here the other day and you
were singing a funny song

to a little boy.

I hope your ears have recovered.
JEAN LAUGHS

Yes. Silly, really.

I always sing it to children
to make them laugh.

My mother used to sing it to me
and my sister when we were children.

Have you always been called Victor?

Oh, actually, it's my middle name.

It seemed appropriate after we won
the war.

Ah!

SHE SIGHS

You face looks so much better.

It couldn't look much worse.

CHUCKLING

Oh, here she comes.

Dom, I'm so relieved you are alive.

It must have been really terrifying.

Thank you, Judith. I'm fine.
Thanks for asking.

You are my utter pleasure, Dominic.

My pleasure treasure.

PHONE DINGS

Jean.

ELEANOR: Adele, where are you going?

Eleanor...

...there's someone here that we'd
like you to meet.

Ellie.

Do I know you?

We haven't seen each other
for such a long time.

Pardon?

# Ellie dans sa nuisette

# Ellie dans sa nuisette

# Ding, dang, dong. #
Henfi?

Oui.

You're face.

I never thought I would see
that face again.

Nor I yours.

I searched for you for so long.

Mother and I were separated
on the transport.

I was rescued by the
Sisters of Sion.

You grew up a Catholic?

Oui. And you?

Did they find you?

Yes. Marie found me.

And I grew up a Catholic, too.

The sisters took me to New York,

where I lived with an
American family.

I came back home when I married.

You have been in France
all this time?

Oui.

The nuns changed my name
when they falsified my documents.

Ah.

It's why I couldn't find you.

Oui.

I looked for you, too.

But the records were destroyed
during the war.

Et Ma ma n?

What happened to Maman?

Maman.

Excuse us.

DOM: I'll get some cognacs.

Hey, Dom.

Jean's quite the character,
isn't she?

Yeah. Yeah, she certainly is.

Yeah, couldn't help overhear,

but could you tell me what all that
was about?

Well, er, it all started with
this book.

Thanks for that, Dom.

Miles, did you...? Ah, Judith.

Now, I'm glad I caught you.

I've just spoken to a colleague of
mine, and he thinks you'd be perfect

for the next series of
Nightmare Brits Abroad.

Here's his card. Give him a ring.

Hello, darling!

Can I settle my tab,
please, Celine?

Of course. Let's call it 40 euros.

Can I ask if we...?

I'm afraid it didn't go your way.

1990s are bit done, I'm afraid.

15 minutes of fame and all that.

Thanks anyway.

Jean, I am absolutely fascinated
by what I've just seen,

and I think you'd be perfect for
the show.

So...here's my card.

Give Becky a call.

She'll get the ball rolling.

Oh, s-sorry.

Erm, Miles,

I—I don't want to be on television.

HE LAUGHS

This opportunity would be
great exposure, Jean.

Like, at least have a think
about it.

I don't need to think about it,
and I certainly don't want exposure.

Well, what possibly could you
be doing

that is more important than being on
my show?

Well, you see, the thing is,

I've got this big pile of emergency
ironing to do.

All right, Jean Kardashian.

Shut it. How did he know
about me anyway?

Sorry.
SHE SIGHS

No, it was a lovely thing
that you did.

Thank you.

I was really worried about you,
you know?

Ooh.

Were you now?

How worried?

What?

Well, on a scale of one to ten.

Really? Yeah, go on.

Six and a half.

Six and a ha... I nearly get
blown up,

you're giving it six and a half.

All right. All right.

Erm, seven.

Oh, no, you're all right, mate.
Forget it.

Unbelievable.