All language subtitles for Half And Half s02e03 Keep Your Eyes Off My Prize.eng

Ha, ha! You guys
are going to love

this seafood gumbo.
Patient of mine is a chef.

He's been going
through a bad divorce,

but in-between sobs, I made
him write down the ingredients.

Smells delicious.

Maybe I can impress
Camille with it.

Can I have the recipe?

Not without a court order.

This is a pot full of
doctor-patient privilege.

Well, when do we get to taste
this chef-tacular meal, ma?

Yeah, I'm ready
to get my grub on.

Hey, I am not over here
popping out "hungry man" dinners.

What's a "hungry man" dinner?

It's something you
have on Christmas

when your dad's
with his other family.

Walked right into that one.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[Theme song]

♪ through this
journey of discovery ♪

♪ you're finding
you, I'm finding me ♪

♪ now that I have
someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ brings out the joy ♪
♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become
whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin', yeah ♪

♪ that's the way I
feel it should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Captioning made possible by eye
productions, CBS productions, and upn

this game's a lot more fun
now that Dee Dee's gone.

Yeah. Who's she kidding
with her made-up words

like quagmire and paroxysm?

So, Spencer, sounds like
you and Camille are serious.

She got any man
friends for Mona?

We're working on it.
We don't want Mona

to be alone for the
rest of her life, either.

Hello? Mona has
ears and feelings.

[Knock on door]

And ovaries that
aren't getting younger.

Good evening. I'm Ron brown.

I'm here to offer a brighter
future for San Francisco.

We don't want one.

Ma!

Allow me to begin
again. I'm running

for county board of
supervisors and I'd like your vote.

And yours. Oh, and yours.

[Giggles]

"Clean up the town
with Ron brown."

Mmm! You're a democrat and cute!

Come on in and tell me more.

My mission is to gain...

Good, good. So, are you single?

Oh, god, she's doing it again!

Do you have children?
Are you making any kind

of payments to women
on a monthly basis?

I'm not a husband or a father

and the only woman I have
financial ties to is my mother.

I manage her portfolio.

You need to know all
this before I get your vote?

No, I need to
know all this before

you date my daughter.
Then you get my vote.

Man, am I glad I found Camille.

I do not miss feeling
alone and desperate.

Let me remind you
what it feels like.

Aah!

Mona, get in here
and meet Ron brown.

He's a politician
who's free Friday night.

Ron brown? I got your
potholder in the mail, man.

It works good. Hey,
you got my vote.

And if you run for re-election,
I could use a can opener.

I was thinking Fanny packs,

but I'll talk to my people.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Here's a single voter who also
happens to be free on Friday.

Hi, Mona.

I have to apologize for my mom.

Why don't you apologize
over dinner on Friday?

I don't think she's going
to let up till we go out.

Say... friday?

I have to check my calendar.

I checked it. You're free.

You just got yourself 3 votes.

If my cats could vote,
you'd have had 7.

Look at these adorable booties.

I got 6 in every color.

That's a lot of booties.

2 for the baby, 4 for coco.

I don't want my precious to feel
left out when the baby comes.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Dee dees.
Listen, I got a date.

Now, does this skirt say
conservative working girl

or just working girl?

Hello? Did you hear me?

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

I couldn't get past
the "I got a date" part.

My mom fixed me up,
but I do have a date.

Hey, my mom fixed me up, too,

with this guy I haven't
seen since I was a kid.

We were in Jack
and Jill together.

That's a club for
African-American children

of a certain social standing,
and by "certain", I mean "rich."

My mom calls it daycare
for the hoity-toity negroidy.

Anyway, all us jills
had a crush on this guy.

I never got up the
courage to say hi.

My guy has a vision for
a brighter San Francisco

and he gave me a button
with his picture on it.

Oh, my god! That's
my guy, Ron brown!

My guy is your guy?

We can't both date the same guy.

I don't even like
sharing a salad with you.

Isn't this an interesting
coincidence?

But it would be
foolish to walk away

from such an eligible
and handsome man.

I don't know, mom.

You're not the first sisters

to face this dilemma.

The time... 1978. The
place... the disco hut.

Ohh.ohh.

Vivian and I both had
our eye on Wayne.

He was the Travolta of Tucson.

Between the two of us,
we boogie-oogie-oogied

that boy right into traction.

Mom, the point, please?

The point is, dating
the same man

didn't jeopardize
our relationship.

My stealing a man
from Vivian did.

But that was years
later. Her fault!

And not relevant
to this parable.

What is important is that
Ron is a wonderful man

and there's no
harm in playing it out.

It just feels kind of icky.

Yeah, like white
trash, but black.

All I'm saying is you
should keep an open mind.

I mean, odds are if he likes
Dee Dee, he won't like you.

And if he likes your sister,
well, we really don't need

to go down that road now, do we?

[Theme song]

Mona! Where have you
been? Ron brown just called.

He wants to know if
we're still on for tonight.

Really? He called?

I called him. But he still

wants to know if we're on.

Well, he knows
we're on, I told him.

The point is, Ron
brown was on the phone.

Ma, I can't believe
you called him.

Yeah, Mona and I aren't really
comfortable seeing the same guy.

Well, clearly you ladies
don't read usa today.

Here's what it
said in a nutshell:

"There ain't no more men."

Opportunities like this
don't come around every day.

Well, Dee Dee, if both
our moms feel this way

maybe we are missing something.

And it'd be nice to get
reacquainted with Ron.

Then we all agree.

You know, I've always

regretted the time I
let a good man go.

Aww, not another
story about dad.

I said a good man.

I could've been Mrs. Lou rawls.

[All] Ohh!

There I was, answering phones

at the united negro
college fund telethon,

he winked at me, and
you know what I did?

I tell what I didn't
do... Lou rawls.

[Theme song]

Ron's gonna be here
any minute and look at me!

My hair's frizzy, my
make-up's uneven,

and how did this
dress get so small?

He's never gonna like me!

Will you stop that loser
talk? I did not raise a loser.

I raised a beautiful girl who's
got everything Dee Dee has,

minus that freak show
she calls a mother.

Yeah, glad I don't
have one of those.

That's right. So
get off the ropes.

You have the first
date advantage.

Get out there and knock that
Dee Dee right out of the ring!

Remember, he's a politician,
so don't mention you smoke pot.

I don't smoke pot!

What about that night
you came soaking wet,

ate 2 whole jars of jif, and couldn't
stop about the delicious tap water?

I was pushed in a pool,
I hadn't eaten all day,

and I was 16 with a lazy
eye. I just wanted to fit in.

Ok, let's focus.

Now, Ron went to Yale,
so no George Bush jokes.

He was on the debate team
so don't give him any lip.

And he played 4 varsity sports,

so remember, hockey's
the one with the ice.

No! Ohh!

You got all that
from his pamphlet?

Honey, I got a computer, a single
daughter, and time on my hands.

I googled the hell outta him.

You did research
for me? I'm touched.

Don't be. I did it so we can
beat those siddity Dee dees.

[Knock on door]

Ok, baby, showtime!

Get the... ooh!

[Theme song]

[Door opens] [Laughing]

Ma, what are you
still doing here?

I will ask the questions. You've
some explaining to do, young lady.

When I tell you to
come home at 12:00,

I mean 12:00, not 10:30.
So how'd you mess it up?

Actually, we had a nice time.

And, yes, I got
a good night kiss,

and he wants to see me again.

Yes! Ha! We're a hit!

That's practically 2 dates
before Dee Dee even has one!

Ma, ma... We don't know
what's going to happen.

I mean, after he goes out
with Dee Dee tomorrow,

he may end up liking her.

Then don't give her any tips.

Don't worry. We
agreed we wouldn't talk

until after we
both had our dates.

I didn't agree to nothing.

You think it's too late
to call big Dee Dee?

I'm sure she's asleep.

Perfect.

[Theme song]

I had a great time tonight.

You seemed so comfortable
around all those dignitaries.

Well, I did go to miss
Felicia's finishing school.

Then miss Felicia became
Mr. Felicia and the school closed.

That would explain
your firm handshake.

Mmm. Well, I can do
more than shake hands.

[Theme song]

[Quacking]

Aah! Oh, my god! You
scared me to death!

What are you doing in my tub?

My tub is being
resurfaced, and I must say,

the jets on the bottom
were worth the extra money.

So, tell me. How
did our date go?

Champagne and dinner
at the top of the Mark,

and an invitation to cocktails
next weekend with the senator.

Excellent. I'm sure that puts
us ahead of the competition.

You mean Mona?

Don't get chummy with the enemy.

"Team Dee Dee"
is in it to win it!

Ooh, that's catchy.

Don't you think you're
getting a little carried away?

The only thing
getting carried away

is Phyllis on a specially-
reinforced stretcher.

Besides, local government
is just the first stop

on Ron brown's train
to the white house.

I mean, he's going
to need a first lady.

You will set fashion
trends for all of america,

and when I say you, I mean me.

[Theme song]

[Both chuckling]

Phyllis, that blouse
must be really well made.

It just holds up
year after year.

Ever notice when some
women are pregnant

they look pregnant,
but others just look fat?

If you look in the
mirror, you'll see.

Ah, well, the
burden of the fertile.

By the way, after I give life,

I'll let you have my
maternity clothes.

You'll love the extra
room to jiggle around in.

I would love to stand here
and watch you retain water,

but I brought Mona something
for her next date with Ron.

Dee Dee's got another
date with him, too,

and if it's anything
like the two of us,

well, we know how this will end.

I'm not rolling over this time.

Maybe that was the
problem last time.

You know, that's the
beauty of having children.

We get to correct the
mistakes of the past.

My baby is getting Ron brown.

She can have what's
left after Dee's done.

Bring it on, big girl.

[Theme song]

[Knock on door]

[Knock on door]

Hi!

[Door closes]

Just came over to say hi!

Haven't talked
to you in a while.

Boy, your hair looks good.

Ok, so, do you like Ron or what?

Yeah, I like him. How about you?

I like him, too.

Whoa. Well, Ron and
I have a connection.

Ron and I have a
connection and a history.

My mama set me
up with him first.

Ok, here we go.

Spencer, what are you doing?

Removing weapons.

It's always the innocent
bystander who gets cut.

Nobody's getting cut.

We are two mature women
having a mature discussion.

And I think the only
mature thing to do

is for both of us
to stop seeing him.

Isn't there any other
mature thing we could do?

Mona, we took a risk going
out with the same man,

and I don't care
what our moms say,

great guys will come and go,

but none is worth
losing a sister over.

Not true. If the rock walks

through that door,
you're dead to me.

Come on, Mona. Good-bye, Ron?

[Sighs]

Good-bye, Ron.

[Theme song]

[Laughing]

Maybe we should go
for ice cream more often.

[Giggles]

Oh, we will.

So, tell me more about
the life of a politician.

Well, basically,
everything's a compromise.

Take ice cream. I hate vanilla,

but I eat it because
it's non-controversial.

Then I guess you don't want
any of my caramel decadence?

Sounds scandalous.

[Giggles]

Whoa! Look over there!

A baby, a rich person, and
an old woman. I smell votes!

Good eye, Mona.
I'll be right back.

I can't believe you're out with
Ron brown behind Dee Dee's back!

Look, I know from experience.

You do not want to
cheat on a black woman.

They will cut the crotch
out of all your fubu.

Spencer, I really like this guy.

But you and Dee Dee
threw your buttons down.

Well, I pinned mine
back on. See? See?

Don't get me wrong. I
understand the games

you confused single people play.

Before Camille, I was
forced to juggle women

and keep all those
complicated lies straight, too.

One time, I had to fake a
Jamaican accent through dinner

[with accent] And dat's
not so easy to do, man.

You didn't make it
to dessert, did you?

Look, I'm weak, he's hot,

and he's almost finished kissing

that big-headed baby,

so please take your
bad accent and go, go!

Ok, but when these
chickens come home to roost,

me don't want to be
around De henhouse.

[Theme song]

No way. This is not happening.

It's not what you think.

Yes. You have on your
date shoes. You're on a date.

Listen, I thought dating
sisters was a bad idea,

but I took a poll in the office
and 75% were in favor of it.

Shame on you after we
threw down our buttons.

That reminds me. Mona, I need
to swing by the mission district

to pass out a few buttons
before our date on Friday.

Your date.

Ron, would you
excuse us for a moment?

Ohh...

Look, I was gonna
break it off with him,

but I don't wanna.

Then there is only
one thing left to do.

Ronald...

My sister and I aren't
comfortable dating the same man,

and since we can't decide, we
think you should pick one of us.

We do?

Ok. I pick Mona.

You do? You do?

You heard him, he said Mona.

[Giggles] That is
what you said, right?

Yes, it is. I'm sorry, Dee Dee.

I hope there are
no hard feelings.

Shh! Don't speak.

There's nothing more to be said.

And you better not be checking
out my ass as I walk up the stairs!

[Theme song]

[Chuckles]

You know, mom,
this is the first time

I've actually been
dumped by a guy.

I'm not doing this again.

I remember the first time a man
was foolish enough to let me go.

I was an optimistic beauty,

pinned my hopes on a married
man who just cast me aside.

I then took up with
an Italian movie star

who didn't mind that I was
a prostitute with a heart...

Wait a minute. That wasn't me.

That was my character
from sweet charity.

Guess this is a first
for the both of us.

Damn that Ron brown
and his poor taste in women!

And the worst part
is, I have yet to face

the gloat monster who
lives under the stairs.

So, for you, this was
all about beating Phyllis?

Oh, of course not.

Maybe a smidge. Ok, I
was totally consumed.

Pass me the ice cream.

Look at us. This is so sad.

Alone, rejected, pigging out.

Oh, my god! We've
become Mona and Phyllis.

Then Dee Dee said,
"choose" and he said, "Mona."

That's me! And I said, "you do?"

And Dee Dee's face
kind of crumpled like this,

but I was all, "yay, it's us!"

Ha ha ha! Ok,
tell it to me again,

just from the face crumbles.

Mmm. Mmm.

Ha ha ha!

So, tell me about this cat.

What's he like to do for fun?

Um, go out with me.

Yeah, he likes
to go out with her.

What do you like about him?

He picked me over Dee Dee.

Yeah. He picked her
over the Dee dees.

Cool, cool. So, Mona,
what color are his eyes?

Um, they're... i don't know.

Probably some color that
won't offend the voters.

Vanilla. Ha ha ha!

Anyway, what
difference does it make?

He only has eyes for Mona.

Well, Camille's eyes are brown,

with 2 flecks of green in
the left and one in the right.

And you know how I know that?

It's because I'm
really into her.

Maybe you need to look closer
at why you're really into Ron.

Maybe you need to look closer

at who is providing
you with that liquor!

Oh!

Hello!

[Sighs] Give me what
you got. I can take it.

I've decided to
exercise restraint.

That's very noble of you.

But that's enough
exercise for today.

So, how does it feel, big girl,

the agony of defeat, or
should I say De big feet?

And so it begins.

What is that sweet taste in
my mouth? Oh! It's victory!

Can I borrow one of your shoes?
I want to learn how to kayak.

I'm on a roll! Come on,
girl. Give me both of them.

I gonna build me a catamaran.

[Theme song]

[Knock on door]

Hey.

Hello.

You'll be happy to
know I'm not going out

with Ron anymore.
For real this time.

You didn't have to do that.

That's what my mom said.
In fact, she's downstairs

making more Ron
brown campaign buttons.

She hasn't let go of the dream.

Well, my mother's upset

she won't be
redecorating the oval office.

She thinks the big seal
on the carpet is just tacky.

Our mothers are a trip.

Yeah. And we can't
forget that their relationship

is their relationship
and not ours.

We got swept up
in their competition.

Not me. I just
wanted to beat you.

Oh, the ugly side of sisterhood.

Well, what can I say?
I liked getting the guy.

You know, for a moment,
I felt like a Dee Dee.

Being a Mona is great, too.

I mean, you get to have
a Dee Dee for a sister.

And I'm sorry I dated
Ron behind your back.

You know, he wasn't
even a good kisser?

Too conservative
with his tongue,

too liberal with his hands.

And the life of a campaign
girlfriend could get old.

I mean, how many fundraising
cocktail parties can one go to?

You went to cocktail parties?

He had me passing
out fliers in Chinatown.

[Whistling]

[Theme song]

So, um, I was wondering,
not that it matters,

but did Ron ever say why
he picked you over me?

Was it because you're sturdy
and can carry more boxes?

No.

Was he a breast man? He
liked big, oversized breasts, right?

It's killing you, isn't it?

No, no. Not at all.

You know, it does
feel good to be a Mona.

Big cha-chas and all.

[Theme song]

Captioning made possible by eye
productions, CBS productions and upn

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