All language subtitles for Half And Half s01e06 Award.eng

[Knock on door]

Dee Dee, sweetie, I
have got wonderful news.

And what is that pungent aroma?

It's incense, mom.
It helps me focus.

Focus on what,

becoming a hippie,
like your half-sister?

[Gasps] Let me
see those armpits.

Have you stopped shaving?

Mom.

So, what's the big news?

Well, your father
is being honored

by the San Francisco
businessmen's association.

That is fantastic. Isn't it?

He's finally being recognized

for all my accomplishments.

Being modest isn't one of them.

[Giggles] And we
know what they say

about modest people,
don't we, coco?

That's right.
Absolutely nothin'.

♪ Through this
journey of discovery ♪

♪ in finding you
and finding me ♪

♪ now that I have
someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪
♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪
♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become
whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' you ♪

♪ that's the way our
feelings should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Chuckles]

So I put together a guest list

for the awards
ceremony next Saturday.

Um, mom, you forgot someone.

Oh, honey, I stopped inviting
Colin Powell to these things.

The man can't mingle.

Blah, blah, Afghanistan.
Blah, blah, desert storm.

Whatever.

I meant Mona.

Mona? Honey, I
always invite her,

and she never comes.

But things are different now.

We live in the same building.

We're developing a relationship.

She doesn't dive behind a
bush when she sees me coming.

Sweetheart, now, I can waste
an invitation if you want me to,

but I've tried to get that girl to
come to events. She never shows.

I don't know if it's because
she's uncomfortable

or she doesn't know anyone
or if it's too hard for her

to wrangle that hair
in less than a week.

All I know is she's never there.

But this is a family event,

and Mona's family.

Plus, it'd be nice to
have someone there

who knows that ll cool j
isn't a mail order catalog.

Fine. You can invite Mona.
But she's never gonna...

♪ Come ♪

Hey, Dee dees,

uh, can I borrow
your bagel slicer?

Sure. It's in the cupboard.

Thanks. Oh, one more thing.

Do you have any bagels?

Counter.

While you're here, Mona, I
want to ask you something.

♪ She's not going to do it ♪

Are you busy next
Saturday night?

Saturday night. Hmm, I'll have
to check my TV guide, but, uh...

Well, now you have plans.

Daddy's being
honored at a big dinner,

and you're invited. Oh, sorry.
Not a fan of society shindigs.

Too much rubber chicken
and plastic surgery.

Or is that rubber faces and
plastic chicken? I don't know.

Anyway, I don't like 'em.

♪ Didn't I tell you
mother is always right? ♪

Kisses.

[Sighs]

Look, Mona, this is a chance

for us to do something
as sisters for our dad.

What do you say? All
you have is poppy seed?

Come on. It'll make
daddy really happy.

He's always bragging about you.

Really? What does he say?

Oh, he goes on and on
about how smart you are

and how successful you are

and how great you're
doing in law school.

Oh, wait. I've
shifted over to me.

Funny how that always happens.

Mm-mmm. This looks
delicious, Mrs. Thorne.

Spencer, I've known you for 8 years. When
are you gonna start calling me "Phyllis"?

Better yet, when are you
gonna start calling me "mom"?

Mom! not you, honey.

Still can't believe you couldn't
remember cinnamon-raisin bagels.

I told you I checked 3 stores.

They only had poppy seed.

So I ran into Dee Dee earlier,

and she invited me to this
awards ceremony... For dad.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

What did she say when you
told her you weren't going?

Well, actually, I was kind
of thinking maybe I would.

You're going to celebrate a man

who has missed so many
of your important events?

Ma... like your third
grade trombone solo?

I don't remember him
cheering during super freak.

No one was, ma.

Have I mentioned how
delicious this brunch is?

Ha ha! Mm-hmm.

Well, dad was there
when he could be,

and now I want
to be there for him.

Mona, I know it's not
for me to say, so I'll say it.

This is a bad idea.

Besides, you're not gonna
know anybody at that banquet.

I'll go with you.

Not with my waffles in
your stomach you won't.

[Knock on door]

Hi. Ha ha.

Shouldn't you be getting ready?

I am ready.

Well, I was when I
left my apartment.

Ok, normally I'd like

a little more time
to work my magic,

but, luckily, I'm
good under pressure.

Is this gonna hurt?

Only if you put up a struggle.

Ok, get rid of this,

draw the eye away from that.Oh.

Camouflage this, burn this.

I'm sorry. I just can't get over

how incredible Mona looks.

Dee Dee, you're
a miracle worker.

It's like you turned a cheese
sandwich into a souffle.

It's like you changed
a hoopty into a benzo.

It's like one of those nasty
worms that turns into a beautiful...

All right.

Your best-friend
status is slipping.

Ooh. [Chuckles]

Ooh, this is the good stuff.

It sure is.

She's nice,

real nice.

Oh, look. There's daddy.

Uh-oh. He's sporting
his dress hair.

Don't touch it. It's a
little over-greased.

How amazing is this? Both
my beautiful daughters here

to share this evening
with me. I am so blessed.

Hey, Mr. Thorne,
congratulations.

Thank you. It's always
nice to see you, Chester.

Spencer. that's what I said.

Hey, how about taking a picture
of me with these 2 supermodels?

Doesn't this feel great?
All of us here together?

It sure does, but I got to
go pretend to be interested

in the mayor's
new calf implants.

I love you.

Bye.bye.

Let's go see
where we're sitting.

Unh!

Now... we're at table
one. Duh. Of course.

Well, actually, "Chester" and I

are at table 30.

What?

Tonight is all about
us being together!

How can we be together
if we're not together?

That's kind of the
reason I showed up.

Who did the table assignments?

Hello, dears.

Why, sweet pea,
you look beautiful.

Not at all like your mother.

Ha ha ha.

I told you, it's like
turning an old lamp

into a chandelier.

It's like turning... Spencer!

My dear, I can't tell
you how thrilled I was

when Dee Dee told me you were
actually coming... an hour ago.

Mom, Mona's not sitting with
us. She's all the way at the back.

I know, and I've been trying to
figure out a way to remedy that.

I cannot put senator Scranton
and his wife at the back table.

That's where his
mistress is sitting.

And your sister was
a last-minute invite.

I was? Oh, sorry, sugar puss.

You weren't supposed to hear
that. It's my theatrical training.

You know, my voice just
carries. Whoo. You know.

But I have a plan.

Lucky for us the senator
has a drinking problem.

He never makes it through these
things. As soon as he passes out,

we'll whisk you up to that
front table where you belong.

But, mom, couldn't you just...
ooh, there's congressman Wooten.

His son goes to Stanford. Time to
sparkle. Come on. Lift, lift. Up, up.

Yes, yes. Carriage, carriage.

Come on. Let's
go find our seats.

I never met a real
mistress before.

I want to get her autograph.

Welcome to table 30.

I'm Gabe adelman,
Dee Dee's orthodontist.

This is grace. Her son
Max does Charles' taxes.

Scotty here is his caddie.

And this is...

Tammi. Big "t," little "a."

Yes, I can see that.

And what do you do,
tammi? Senator Scranton.

Look, I made a pony
out of my butter pat.

Come on, Mona. Let's sit down.

Ohh. Do we have to?

Ohh! Well, busy
little corner, huh?

So, tammi... Are you a democrat?

No. I'm a libra.

How do you know Charles?

Oh, i'm his daughter Mona.

Oh, you're the other one.

Yep. That's me. The other.

I also answer to "hey, you."

What am I even doing here?

You know, I voted
libra in the last election.

[Chuckles]

You know, I'm just playing dumb.

What's your excuse?

I couldn't help
noticing your smile.

Really? Thank you.

Uh, just as I thought.
You have quite an overbite.

Give me a call.

I don't know how much more of
this quality family time I can take.

So, what did you do to
end up back here, hon?

Marry outside your race?

Unplanned pregnancy?

You like the ladies?

You can tell me.

My niece Sylvia
is a gym teacher.

I can hook you up. Ah ha ha!

That's it. Spencer, we're out
of here. Come on. Excuse us.

Mona... where are you going?

Me, my buck teeth, and
"Chester" are going home!

Wait.

But this is a night for family.

Yeah. Your family.

This is the worst
night of my life,

and you know I've had
some pretty bad nights.

Come on. You're not the first
person to come from a divorced family.

This is america, baby.

Most families are
like yours and mine.

Oh, yippee. Life, Liberty,
and dysfunction for all.

Mona, you know how it
is for me around my dad.

I just avoid him
altogether, which is easy,

'cause I don't know
where he lives.

The point is I found
a way to deal with it.

I know, but with Dee
Dee in the building,

it's like the step-family thing
is so in my face all the time.

It's like a your-life-blows
alarm clock.[Knock on door]

Oh, look, it just
went off again.

Mona, I was worried
about you. What happened?

Well, let's see.

I learned how to
make butter animals,

I got a nice case of whiplash
from the kitchen door,

and I have a date with
a female gym teacher.

Well, this is where I came in.

Whatever you do,

don't mention her overbite.

I brought you salmon
and stroganoff.

Strangely, they both
taste like chicken.

Thanks. so, are you feeling ok?

Actually, I'm feeling like you shouldn't
bother to invite me to anything else.

Because I'm never, ever,
ever gonna do that again.

But, Mona, I just wanted...
no, no. Don't get me wrong.

I really appreciate your effort,

but us pretending like
we're one big, happy family

is never gonna work
because nobody cares...

Not dad, not my mom,

not your mom, not
even tammi. Nobody.

I care!

And who the hell is tammi?

[Knock on door]

Phyllis, hi. Thanks for coming.

No problem. I'm glad you called.

Uh, sorry I hung
up the first 2 times.

Well, you must have been
surprised to hear from me.

And now I know where Mona
gets her lovely phone manner.

Would you like some coffee?
Girl, this is a family meeting.

People are gonna wake up
and smell the coffee, not drink it.

But if you're already brewing,
I'll take a latte, extra foam.

I'm really glad you
agreed to do this.

[Knock on door]Could
you get that?

This is just like that
nightmare I told you about.

Don't talk to it.
Don't bargain with it.

Just cover your eyes and
pray it doesn't steal your soul.

Hello, Phyllis.[Scoffs]

I never could get you to take out
the trash when we were married.

Neutral corners, ladies.

Hey, Dee Dee, what's going on? I
thought you were doing a poetry reading.

Yeah, and I can't believe
you bought that one.

[Knock on door]

Ok, Dee Dee, what's
the emergency...

Oh, my god. This is
an intervention, isn't it?

Is this about the drinking?
The smoking? The gabling?

I only told you that story about the
bookie so you'd lend me the $100.

You really think I'd hang out
with a guy named Johnny fingers?

Mona, relax. It is kind of an intervention,
but it's not for you, it's for us.

Just have a seat. And it was
$200, and I'm still waiting for it.

I asked everyone here
because we've got to find a way

for this family to get along.

Now let's talk about what
happened last night. I'll go first.

I am not gonna
tolerate my daughter

being treated like a
second-class citizen.

Ma, I can fight my own battles.

But you don't.

That's why I'm here.

Charles, didn't you
notice that Mona left

your little "ain't I
great" party early?

Well, Dee Dee said
she wasn't feeling well.

Uh, I didn't want to upset
you on your big night.

I told her not to
go to that thing.

Didn't I tell you not to go to
that thing? What'd I tell you?

Tell me what I told you.
I'll tell you what I told you.

I told her not to
go to that thing.

Hard to believe you
walked away from that.

Charles, our daughter
was very upset...

Mom, please don't speak for me.

Then go ahead.

Well, last night I
did feel a little...

Humiliated! ma, please.

Phyllis, we welcome
your enthusiastic input,

but why don't we let Mona
finish her thought? Mona.

It's just... I don't know.

I felt... Dee Dee: Hurt!
Left out! Kicked to the curb!

Not a member of this family! Frankly,
I'm embarrassed to have been a part of it!

Sorry. Your mother's contagious.

Wait a minute. Why was
Mona seated in the back?

She should have
been at the family table.

I did the best I could, uh, with
the short notice I was given.

Dee, I can't believe
you let this happen.

You were in charge
of the guest list.

Oh, no. Don't try to
turn this on me now.

You were the one who
let this go on for years.

You never insisted Mona be
more involved in these functions.

Well, I guess I shouldn't have let
you handle something this important.

Oh, really?

Well, I'll tell you something
that you won't be handling

any time soon: All
this brown sugar.

Whoo, this is almost
better better than alimony.

Sorry your feelings were hurt,
sweet stuff. But, on the bright side,

once your parents finally
drive you over the edge,

you might find a
handsome psychiatrist.

Well, I hate to say this,
but Dee's got a point.

Which means I'll have to be
at Tiffany at the crack of dawn.

The truth is I've
allowed this to go on.

What happened last night is
completely my fault. Well, amen to that.

Phyllis, I think
you should own up

to your part in this, too.

I beg your pardon?

You're always trying
to pull Mona away,

but we're her family, too.

Oh, well, that's new.
Blame the mother.

From now on, you're gonna
be at every family event,

front and center.
You don't get it.

I don't want to be
invited! Why not, muffin?

Because being there
just brings it all back.

Remember when I was little

and we used to spend
the weekends with you?

Yay! And then on Sunday
mom would come and pick me up.

[Car door shuts]

Oh, Phyllis, fyi,
we went shopping,

so you may not
recognize Mona's clothes.

They're in style.

Speaking of style,
where'd you get that dress,

home wreckers big and tall?

Now, ladies, let's remember
what the judge said.

Thanks for the baby
alive doll, Mona.

But, remember,
you're just borrowing it.

I wrote my name on its tush.

Bye, daddy. Bye, muffin.

Mona: And every time
I left, I was reminded

that I wasn't really
a part of your family.

And that's exactly
how I felt last night:

Like an outsider.

Then why did you
even agree to go?

'Cause a little person
was sweating me about it.

Oh, yeah.

And, I guess for the same reason

Charlie brown keeps
kicking that football:

'Cause you think it's gonna be
different the next time, but it never is.

Mona, I had no
idea you felt like this.

And, my god, I certainly
don't want you to.

I am so sorry. Phyllis:
Well, there you have it.

Your father finally
admitted how sorry he is.

Well, my work here is done.

I came, I saw, I intervened.

You gotta love me.

Hey, ma.

Thank you.

Oh, baby, any time.

And, Dee Dee,

thank you.

Your mothers are a handful,

but I got to give them credit.

They did a great
job of raising you two.

Just wish I'd had
more to do with it.

You know, the truth is,

with all my success...

You girls are what
I'm the most proud of.

Thanks. that's sweet.

How nice is this?

All of us here together...

Not screaming.

I guess it was worth one
night of total humiliation.

No. You missed
the total humiliation.

Dad danced!

Uh, huh huh!

The robot. Hey, hold on now.

I have some smooth moves.

Ooh.ahh.

Watch me. Oh, ha ha ha
ha ha! That's your father!

No, that's your father.

Dad! daddy, do the
thing! Do the thing! Ahh!

Watch me! "Watch me now."

Watch... me...

Dad!

Oh, daddy, your pants!

[Playing out of tune]

So, that's pretty much what
you missed at the recital.

What do you think?

Wow, honey.

I don't think I've ever
heard super freak

sound quite like that.

Thanks! You want
to hear it again?

Sure.ok.

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