All language subtitles for Half And Half s01e05 Dose of Reality.eng

Ah, this is a
quaint little spot.

Who knew you could
do so much with leather?

A suede thong.

Can you say "chafe"?

I can't believe I'm finally
taking home my jacket.

It took 6 months of sacrifice,
12 layaway payments,

and several threats to
friends who owed me money,

but here I am.

Hey there!

Hello, and welcome to...

Oh, it's you.

Oh, you remember me.

Heh heh heh. Of course.

How can I forget
our only customer

who's on her 12th payment
in our 10-easy-payment plan?

Can you get my jacket, please?

Sure. Would you
like to try it on,

hug it, take a picture,
or show it to a friend?

Actually, this
payment is my last.

I'm takin' my baby home.

Well, pigs are flying and the
devil's wearing icicles. Ha ha.

♪ I'm gonna get my jacket
I'm gonna get my jacket ♪

Ok.

Here you go.

♪ I'm puttin' on my jacket ♪

Mona, look at this
cool jacket I found.

I've never seen anyone look
so incredible in that before.

It's like it was made
for you. Ha ha ha!

Hello. Same jacket,
different color.

Huh. You're right.

Looks different on her.

Anyhoo, I'll take it.Wha...

Along with this
hat, these pants,

and this thong.[Sighs]

I'm feeling adventurous.

Here at leather or not,
I'm obligated to tell you

about our 10-easy-payment plan

with no money down...

Please, just put it
on the plastic. Oh!

Mona...

How coincidental is it
that I picked this jacket?

Maybe we're developing some
sort of symbiotic sister connection,

like where one
sibling burns herself,

and the other one
feels it 100 miles away.

Ooh, maybe. How about I smack
you and see if I can feel that?

♪ Through this
journey of discovery ♪

♪ in finding you
and finding me ♪

♪ now that I have
someone special ♪

♪ who brings out the joy ♪
♪ who brings out the joy ♪

♪ inside of me ♪
♪ inside of me ♪

♪ we can become
whatever we want ♪

♪ all we need is lovin' you ♪

♪ that's the way our
feelings should be ♪

♪ you and me ♪

[Off-key] ♪ me ♪

Ooh. [Chuckles]

And I'd like that
on whole grain,

not whole wheat,
lightly toasted,

no onion, no cheese. Thanks.

Oh, and low-fat Mayo on the
side, easy on the relish. Thanks.

Oh, and can you bring my
coleslaw on a separate plate?

I hate it when it
touches my bread.

Would you like
that on a gold platter

with a side of my firstborn,

or, um, just the regular?

Just the regular, thanks.

My master's degree in art
history is really paying off.

Dee Dee, there are 2 kinds
of people you don't antagonize.

Waitresses who handle your food

and men who wear
socks with sandals.

If they can do that, who
knows what sick, twisted deeds

they're capable of.

Hey, that's a nice
jacket, Dee Dee.

Thanks. I just got it today.

Ahem!

Oh, there you go.

I've always liked
your taste in clothes.

You've got a
lot of flavor, girl.

Oh, well, thanks. I guess I
know a little something about

throwing together a
little somethin'-somethin'.

Hello! I'm wearing
the same jacket.

I can't believe
you didn't notice.

Oh, yeah!

I took pictures of you
hugging it in the store.

Looks different on her.

And I can't believe you didn't see
a problem with buying that jacket.

Mona, my friends and I buy
the same clothes all the time.

All right, I won't wear
mine when you wear yours,

and, since you found
it first, you get dibs

on what night you wear it out.

This isn't about your
rich-girl etiquette.

I mean, I worked hard to buy this,
and you just tossed it on the counter,

whipped out the plastic, and
bought it without a second thought.

Shopping is not
about thinking, Mona.

It's about passion and impulse

and a credit
limit to back it up.

You know what, Dee
Dee? I can't even blame you.

You never had to work
for the things that you have.

Take me and
Spencer, for instance.

You know, we've been working
since we were in high school.

Wait, I still remember.

I was 15, working
at the dairy Princess,

wearing this goofy cow's
head and telling people

to "moo-oove it on
up to the counter."

At least under the cow's
head, no one knew it was you.

I walked my neighbor's
4 dobermans.

I don't know what
they fed those dogs,

but I can still see
it in my dreams.

Ok, that's nasty.

And we'll probably always have
to work for the things that we need.

Just like most people.
Well, you don't have to.

You could get a credit
card from daddy. No, I can't.

I'm a 25-year-old woman who
chooses not to live off her father,

and my mother raised me to be
independent, mature, and self-sufficient.

There's a certain satisfaction that
comes with earning your own way.

Ahem, at least that's
what we tell ourselves

while we're working
our asses off.

And my gold watch with the
diamond bezel finally came in.

I had it engraved
from your father to me.

He's very romantic that way.

Mom, do you ever
feel, you know, weird,

not having a job
while daddy works?

Baby, just because I
can't show you a pay stub

does not mean I haven't
worked for everything I've got.

I'm always there
behind the scenes,

making your father look
like the successful man

I designed him to be.

Yeah, but do you ever think

that the material things
you have come too easy?

Honey, there's nothing easy about
being the power behind the powerful man.

I chair committees, write speeches,
raise funds for several charities,

and still have time to go
to yoga and fire the maid,

and that was all this afternoon.

That is the fifth maid
you've fired this year.

Actually, the sixth,
if you count the lady

who turned herself in to
the ins after a week with you.

Well, I had to fire this one.

I caught her trying
on my good hair.

Why do they do that?

Anyway, I was thinking about...

Maybe you should
sit for this. I'm fine.

I was thinking about
getting a part-time job.

I should sit for this.

I just want the satisfaction

that comes with
working for what I need.

[Sighs] Well, now, Dee, if
you have your heart set on it,

at least let me help you.

I know politicians,
CEOs, surgeons.

Don't underestimate
mother's connections.

You're actually
supporting me in this?

Now I need to sit.

Honey, working is wonderful,

as long as you don't
make a habit out of it.

And it'll expose
you to a wider circle

of prospective wealthy,
devoted husbands.

I just think I'd feel better

if I didn't rely so much
on you and daddy.

I understand. But,
remember, your father loves

taking care of his girls.

It makes him feel tall.

And he's always so
frisky when he's feeling tall.

I like to encourage that.

Hey, mooona.

Whaaat's uuup?

Heh heh. Girl, you are spending
way too much time alone.

I enjoy spending
time with myself.

I'm always discovering
something new.

Like tonight, I realized

one of my thumbs is
bigger than the other one.

It's a good thing I came over, 'cause
you really need what I'm about to give you.

I'm scared, but go on.

Ok, before you
say no, hear me out.

I'm trying out
the barter system.

I offered my counseling services

to a client who owns
a dating service...

No!

I already signed you up. Ma,
you think I should go out with a guy

who has to pay a service
to find a woman to date him?

Ooh, that's quality.

Mona, dating is a numbers game.

You've got to stack
the odds in your favor.

Roll the dice, let the
chips fall where they may...

Am I dating or going to Vegas?

All I'm saying is you may need

to try quantity to
get to the quality.

Go with a lot of different guys,
and you just might sift out Mr. Right.

Besides, what have
you got to lose?

Dignity, self-respect, pride.

Shall I go on?

Oh, please. This is serious.
You are 25 years old.

You are gonna be dumped
by at least 15 or 20 men

before you find Mr. Right.

It's time to get crackin'.

Besides, all you have to do

is make a video about yourself.

They post it on the website,

and then you just sit back

and watch those
responses just roll in.

Thanks for taking
pity on me, ma,

but I'm not going to
any dating service.

I am not that
desperate for a man.

Hi, I'm Mona. I'm a scorpio,

I enjoy all different kinds of
music, and I don't have trouble

meeting people at all, if
that's what you're thinking.

I'm not desperate or
anything. It's just, odds are,

I'll probably be dumped
by 15 to 20 men before...

Phyllis: Why are you
saying that? Ma, please.

You promised to be quiet.
Can we start that again?

So, if you've reviewed
my resume, you'll see

that I am more than qualified

to write this fashion column.

No, I don't have a
journalism background.

I was voted best-dressed in
my sorority. Does that count?

My mother plays
doubles with Donna karan.

I'll see myself out.

How often do I date?

I think that's a
personal question.

I don't see what that
has to do with anything.

I resent your tone.
How often do youdate?

[Scoffs]Phyllis: Um,
can we start that again?

I'd be perfect as a personal
shopper to the mayor.

He needs a look
that'll distract the voters

from some of his more
questionable policies.

No, I can show myself out.

Oh, I love cooking.

My motto has always been the way to
a man's heart is through his stomach.

Of course, I didn't
make that up,

but I stand behind it 100%.

Phyllis: Ooh, we
gonna catch a good one!

But this is a
telemarketing position.

Why do I have to tell
them what I'm wearing?

Oh. I'll show myself out.

You won't believe
some of the losers

who responded to my video.

One guy was actually
proud he was able to say,

"I'm not guilty" in 5 languages.

Now, why bust on a brother 'cause he's
multilingual? That's exactly what he said!

Is there a handbook of lame
excuses I don't know about?

Look, Mona, maybe
your mom had a point.

You should give one
of those guys a chance.

Oh, I don't know.

Let's order. I'm starving.

I'm in the mood for
something different.

Welcome to lush lounge. Would
you like to hear today's specials?

Ooh! That's different.

Dee Dee, what are
you doing? Working.

I started yesterday. I
knew you'd be here today,

and I wanted to surprise you.

Surprise!

Let's try this again.

Dee Dee, what are you doing?

Well, I told you I could
get a job if I wanted to,

and I did. Well, the place could
use some better-looking waitresses.

Thank you.

Besides, with school I
needed a flexible schedule.

This place is close to home,

and the staff loves me.

Have you met our new waitress?

Oh, yes.

Well, none of the
other customers have.

Your 4-top needs menus and
your perfume makes me nauseous.

Or maybe it's your smile.

Either way, move
it, miss america.

I see Tina's taken
you under her wing.

So, what can I get you guys?

Wow. You serving me?

It's gonna take a
minute to get used to this.

I'll take the tuna
salad on wheat.

Wait... make it sourdough,
toasted, no cheese, no Mayo,

no onion, no pickles,
with honey mustard,

French fries instead of
chips, on a separate plate.

I don't like my foods to touch.

You know, it's cuter
when Dee Dee does that.

So that's albacore
on toasted sourdough,

hold the cheese, Mayo,
onions, and pickles,

substitute fries for chips
on a separate plate?

Oh, I'm impressed.

I'm not. She forgot the
side of honey mustard. Hmm.

Oh, I didn't forget. It's loaded
with carbs. I'm doing you a favor.

Ooh.

[Knock on door]

Hey, I found some
of your mail with mine.

Actually, my mother found it

when she was holding
my bills up to the light.

Thanks.oh...

Can I borrow some
nail Polish? Sure.

I'm meeting a guy from the
dating service at the lounge tonight.

I decided to give one a chance.

Good for you.

Hey! My first paycheck came.

I've been waiting
for this puppy.

I'm gonna go out and... whoa.

Maybe I'll be staying in.

Well, I guess you'll be
hanging up your apron, huh?

Why would I do that? Well, I don't
know, I just thought you'd probably...

What, that I couldn't handle it?
That I wasn't up for the challenge?

That I'm too prissy to have
my hair smell like stir-fry?

Yes, yes, and it's
not just your hair.

Well, you're wrong.

This job means a lot to me,
and i'm gonna see it through.

Oh, I'm sure you will, until
you break a nail or something.

Mona, give me a little credit.

Now, if you'll excuse
this working girl,

I'd better get back to my books
before my shift starts at the lounge.

If you say so.

By the way, how
does your mother feel

about her little working
girl? She's very supportive.

As long as she thinks I'm
doing something she can support.

If she knew I was waitressing,
I'd never hear the end of it.

Actually, you'd never hear the end
of it. She'd find a way to blame you.

Wow. First you get a job,
now you're lying to your mom.

You're only 8 parking
tickets away from becoming...

Well, me.

What are you smiling at, rookie?

I just love working.

There's a certain
point during my shift

when I look around and all
my tables are fed and watered,

and I just get this full, happy
feeling. You know what I mean, Tina?

I just stopped myself from stabbing
a customer in the neck with a fork.

You should have seen some
of these crazy web videos.

One guy bragged that he
could squeeze his entire body

through a tennis racket.

So, when you said in your video

you liked to sit back
and listen to jazz,

I decided if the racket guy
didn't call me back in 5 minutes,

I'd give you a shot.

Well, I'm glad you did.
I liked your video, too.

It was kind of hard to hear you

over that loud woman, though.

Yeah, I don't know who she was.

Derek, will you excuse
me for a minute?

Ok, but not a second more.

[Giggles]

What are you doing here?

Just keeping an eye on your date,
in case he tries something tricky,

like using your skin for a coat.

You're the one who
told me to be open.

"Give a brother a
chance," remember?

Yeah, but you have this knack
for attracting the nutty ones,

so I'll just lay low
and hope for the best.

Well, Derek's great.

He even loves my jacket.

I'm gonna go see what he
thinks of the rest of me. Rawr.

There's something in
your teeth. Mm-hmm.

I want lemon with my
water, not lemon in my water,

and don't bring it back with your
fingers on the rim of the glass. Bugs me.

Hey, Derek, I see
you met my... waitress.

Mona's a regular. I
serve her all the time.

I don't want any
special treatment.

I can handle this.

So... where were we?

I was about to tell you how
attractive I think you are.

[Giggles] And I
was about to listen.

It's been a long time since I met
someone as cool as you, and...

Damn it. There she goes,
and without my water.

Well, maybe we should just give her
another minute. Here, you can have mine.

No, her job is to bring
what I ask for. Waitress!

Oh, waitress!

One water with lemon,

no fingers on the
rim of the glass.

So, what else can I get for you?

I'll have the New
York strip, well done,

and if I see any pink, you
won't be seeing any green.

I'll take the
Caesar with shrimp.

Please, and thank you.

Oh, those are
underused words, huh?

I'll put this in for
you right away.

And right away
doesn't mean after

you've taken a bathroom break
and not washed your hands. Bugs me.

So, Mona, tell me
more about yourself.

All righty. You know, I
was never a waitress,

but I do know good
service when I see it,

and I also know a
jackass when I see it,

and it just ordered
the New York strip!

What's the problem? I don't like
people who are rude to waitresses,

especially when those
waitresses are my sister. Bugs me!

That's your sister?
Well, half of her is,

and either half is too damn
good to put up with you.

And So am I. You know
what? It's time for you to leave.

What if I want to finish my
dinner? Then take it to go!

I don't do takeout. Now
might be a good time to start.

The lady asked you
nicely. Well, kind of.

I knew I should have just
stayed home with my girlfriend.

[Gasps]

I am really impressed.

I would've dumped a hot
pot of decaf in Derek's lap,

but your way won't
land you in court.

I respect that.

Well, between me and you,

getting your respect was a big
part of the reason I took this job.

What made you think
I don't respect you?

Only every conversation
we've ever had

that contained the
words "job" and "me."

Ok. I could see how
you get that idea,

but I do respect you,

on a lot of different levels.

For one, you earned your
way into Berkeley law school...

One of the top
10 in the country.

Top 7, but go on.

I know I kind of
gave you a hard time,

but you don't have
anything to prove.

Life is hard enough,

so why complicate it by
keeping a job you don't need?

But I like working.

And I was a little nervous that
I wouldn't be able to handle it,

but now I know that I can.

That's powerful stuff.
Hey, restaurant Barbie,

you here to work
or have a tea party?

So I'm gonna quit this job.

Yo, Tina! I quit.

So can you bring me
some tea for my party.

Earl grey, not chamomile.

Thanks. Oh, and cream, not milk.

Thanks. Oh, and
lemon on the side.

Thanks.

You got it.

Translation: Cup of
spit, hair on the side.

Ohh! Oh, ho ho, ha ha ha ha!

Dear god, my baby
here, and in an apron.

You haven't actually been
serving people, have you?

You'll be happy
to know I just quit.

Oh, what a relief.

Did anybody I know
see you working here?

Heh heh heh! Mom, I
don't think your social circle

eats at the lush lounge.

Right. Did anybody's
maid see you?

You! what?!

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