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KID CAPRI: Straight
out of New York City,
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00:00:08,486 --> 00:00:12,226
it's the Russell
Simmons'Def Comedy All-Star Jam.
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00:00:12,273 --> 00:00:14,323
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:32,858 --> 00:00:37,988
Put your hands together for
Mr. Michael Colyar.
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00:00:42,825 --> 00:00:44,825
[MUSIC PLAYING]
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I'm sorry.
Give me a minute.
7
00:00:57,013 --> 00:00:58,283
[AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERING]
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00:00:58,319 --> 00:01:00,629
Thank you.
Oh thank you baby, you so nice.
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00:01:00,669 --> 00:01:02,799
I'm trying
to exchange this meal.
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00:01:02,845 --> 00:01:04,535
I was over at
Sylvia's.
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00:01:04,586 --> 00:01:06,366
Y'all ever eat Sylvia's?
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00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:08,424
Soul food restaurant,
you ever eat there?
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[AUDIENCE CHEERING]That's a real motherfuckin'
soul food restaurant.
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00:01:12,246 --> 00:01:14,246
Motherfucker good.
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No, no because you
know they got bullshit soul food restaurants,
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00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:17,771
you know what
I'm talking about?
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00:01:17,816 --> 00:01:19,726
Sometimes they get you
that old Kraft Macaroni and Cheese or...
18
00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:21,515
Some of that damn
Jiffy cornbread mix...
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00:01:21,559 --> 00:01:23,259
Or the real fake
ones, they get them frozen greens,
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00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:24,300
put a little grease on
the motherfucker,
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00:01:24,345 --> 00:01:26,125
try to make it look like...
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00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:27,653
Look like it...
I'm talking about real soul food.
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Now, some of y'all
know that food
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00:01:30,307 --> 00:01:31,917
will change
your life.
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00:01:31,961 --> 00:01:34,141
Your big ass
know what I'm talkin' about.
26
00:01:34,181 --> 00:01:35,831
You know what
I'm talkin' about or not?
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00:01:35,878 --> 00:01:37,268
What's your
name?[MUFFLED] Glen.
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00:01:37,314 --> 00:01:39,104
Huh?Glen.
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00:01:39,142 --> 00:01:40,842
Glen, you filling
that motherfuckin' chair up, too.
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You fillin' that
motherfucker all up, you just...
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[GRUNTS]
And you know
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00:01:44,016 --> 00:01:45,666
at first, I know y'all
are nervous because I'm fucking with Glen...
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Damn he big,
why you fuckin' with big-ass Glen?
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00:01:47,019 --> 00:01:48,719
I don't give a fuck.
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00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:49,850
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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...about how
big Glen is.
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What the fuck he
gonna do to me? I mean...
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00:01:52,982 --> 00:01:55,722
Really, fuck he
gonna do to me?
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00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:57,157
Motherfucker
get an attitude,
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00:01:57,204 --> 00:01:59,084
all I got to
do is take off running.
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00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,339
And if he come
after me,
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I throw down
a cheeseburger
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00:02:02,948 --> 00:02:04,988
and then that
motherfucker got to make a decision.
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00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:06,337
You hear me?
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00:02:06,387 --> 00:02:07,947
You hear me?
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Wait...
Wait a minute.
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00:02:10,086 --> 00:02:11,516
Wait a minute.
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00:02:11,566 --> 00:02:12,736
I can see that
motherfucker right now.
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00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,580
"Well all right,
but next time
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00:02:21,619 --> 00:02:23,489
"you better put
some mustard on this mother."
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00:02:26,450 --> 00:02:28,500
Now, look
at here.
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00:02:28,539 --> 00:02:30,239
Oh, I want to explain
this thing for you I started because I know
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00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,150
people see me
walking around with this,
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00:02:32,195 --> 00:02:33,755
you know it's like,
"Oh now that nigga into the voodoo and shit."
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00:02:33,805 --> 00:02:36,105
[BABBLING]
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00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,806
No, I... I do play with
them on the airplane with this motherfucker.
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00:02:38,854 --> 00:02:41,204
I get on the plane
and the flight attendants come up to me and I say,
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00:02:41,248 --> 00:02:43,858
"I'm going to make
the plane spin around and around."
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Back the fuck up.
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00:02:46,688 --> 00:02:48,908
You got...you know,
I always sit in first class, and so...
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00:02:48,951 --> 00:02:50,781
I'm sitting
in first class
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00:02:50,822 --> 00:02:53,652
and ain't nobody
black but me and the flight attendant,
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00:02:53,695 --> 00:02:55,255
so I usually
sit there and...
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00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:56,515
And I don't
say nothing the whole flight.
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00:02:56,567 --> 00:02:58,127
Like halfway through,
I'll go...
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00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,568
[BABBLES]
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00:02:59,614 --> 00:03:01,224
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:03,398
And I don't say
shit else for the whole flight.
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00:03:03,444 --> 00:03:04,794
That motherfucker
just biting his nails,
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00:03:04,836 --> 00:03:07,446
"Land this motherfucker,
land it, Bob."
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00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,621
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,367
No, really though,
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00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:13,668
this thing here
is from the...the Mayan decade.
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00:03:13,715 --> 00:03:15,365
It's like an...
An Indian...
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00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:17,112
A Mexican Indian
type artifact that they made,
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00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:19,073
you know it's called
a...a fetish, right?
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00:03:19,111 --> 00:03:22,421
You know, and like
actually the motherfucker just a flute.
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00:03:22,463 --> 00:03:25,683
[PLAYS FLUTE]
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00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:28,427
Don't have shit to do
with the show, but I say what the fuck,
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00:03:28,469 --> 00:03:32,079
I'm the host I can do
what the fuck I want, you know.
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00:03:32,124 --> 00:03:34,044
Now, wait...wait
a minute because I'm... I'm... I'm...
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00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,483
I haven't started yet.
I'm going to get started in a minute,
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00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:37,870
um...
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00:03:37,913 --> 00:03:41,533
But so far all that
shit I was doing,
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00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:43,179
funnier than
a motherfucker.
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00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,093
All that funnier
than a motherfucker.
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00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:47,527
Some peoples
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weren't laughing...
That's right, peoples.
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00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:51,320
I get college
edumacation,
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00:03:51,361 --> 00:03:52,671
I didn't spend three
years in eighth grade for nothing
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00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:54,410
God damn it, I know
what I'm saying.
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00:03:54,451 --> 00:03:57,891
Some peoples didn't laugh.
Now, I have to assume
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00:03:59,630 --> 00:04:01,760
that some of ya
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00:04:01,806 --> 00:04:04,676
are comedically lazy.
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00:04:04,722 --> 00:04:06,722
They don't want to
work for the joke,
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00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:09,288
they just want me
to lay that motherfucker out. I won't do it.
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00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:11,556
Instead, I'm going
to hit your ass right now
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00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:14,909
with what I call
Michael Colyar's complicated
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00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:16,300
joke series.
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00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:18,743
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
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00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:22,480
Now, when I say complicated,
that means some of you folks gonna get it right away.
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00:04:22,523 --> 00:04:24,313
Some of ya,
103
00:04:24,351 --> 00:04:26,831
it's going to take
a couple of seconds.
104
00:04:26,875 --> 00:04:30,005
And some of y'all
won't get the shit till next Tuesday.
105
00:04:30,052 --> 00:04:31,622
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
106
00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:33,662
All I ask is,
107
00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:36,838
if anybody around you
don't get the joke, you don't help them.
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00:04:36,885 --> 00:04:38,535
You hear me?
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00:04:38,582 --> 00:04:39,712
Anybody don't get
one of the first three jokes,
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00:04:39,757 --> 00:04:41,497
fuck 'em.
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00:04:41,542 --> 00:04:43,152
Thank you.
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00:04:43,195 --> 00:04:45,325
First joke in
the complicated joke series.
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00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:47,462
Woman's on her
way to church.
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00:04:48,375 --> 00:04:50,325
Catholic church.
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00:04:50,377 --> 00:04:54,157
Slips on the stairs,
falls down, her dress flies everywhere.
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00:04:54,206 --> 00:04:56,816
Now she trying to
get herself together.
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00:04:59,647 --> 00:05:01,817
Looked up and saw
the priest coming out of the church.
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00:05:01,866 --> 00:05:04,346
She said,
"Pardon me, Father,
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00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:06,181
"but is Mass out?"
120
00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:08,658
He said, "No,
but your hat's on kind of crooked."
121
00:05:16,359 --> 00:05:18,059
Is my ass out?
Is mass...
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00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:19,800
I help you with
the first one.
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00:05:19,841 --> 00:05:22,761
No, no, the next two,
yo ass is on your own.
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00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:26,371
Second joke
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00:05:26,413 --> 00:05:28,553
in the complicated
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00:05:28,589 --> 00:05:30,769
joke series.
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00:05:30,808 --> 00:05:35,468
A drunk comes
stumbling into the same church.
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00:05:35,509 --> 00:05:39,729
Stumbles over to the
confessional booth and sits down.
129
00:05:39,774 --> 00:05:42,254
Drunk sitting there
oh ten, fifteen minutes.
130
00:05:42,298 --> 00:05:45,348
The priest comes
in, slides open the little door.
131
00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:47,778
"Yes my son,
may I help you?"
132
00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:49,385
Drunk say, "Yeah,
133
00:05:49,436 --> 00:05:51,916
"you got any
paper over there on yo side?"
134
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,700
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
135
00:05:56,573 --> 00:05:57,793
Don't fucking
help him.
136
00:05:57,835 --> 00:05:58,915
Hey.
137
00:06:00,316 --> 00:06:01,616
What you doing?
138
00:06:05,452 --> 00:06:07,282
Wait now. I got
a problem... I got a problem here
139
00:06:07,323 --> 00:06:09,333
because I only got
like another minute and a half
140
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,499
before we gonna
start bringing the acts in
141
00:06:11,545 --> 00:06:13,975
and some people
like that guy in the red over there,
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00:06:14,025 --> 00:06:16,325
see, you getting on
my fuckin' nerves.
143
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,596
This your third
and final opportunity to get on board.
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00:06:18,639 --> 00:06:20,469
You don't
catch up now,
145
00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:23,300
we taking off
without yo ass.
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00:06:23,339 --> 00:06:25,169
Third in the
complicated joke series.
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00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:26,560
Every day
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00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:28,693
this man would
come into the same restaurant.
149
00:06:28,736 --> 00:06:30,866
Sit at the
same table.
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00:06:30,912 --> 00:06:33,132
He had the
same menu.
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00:06:33,175 --> 00:06:34,955
Same waitress,
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00:06:35,003 --> 00:06:36,743
and he always
ordered pork chops.
153
00:06:36,787 --> 00:06:38,177
Mm-hmm.
154
00:06:38,223 --> 00:06:39,403
Every day
same table, same menu,
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00:06:39,442 --> 00:06:40,972
same waitress,
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00:06:41,923 --> 00:06:43,623
pork chops.
157
00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:45,454
Finally, the
waitress, she got tired of this.
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00:06:45,492 --> 00:06:46,492
Mm-hmm.
Come in early one day,
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00:06:46,536 --> 00:06:47,966
took a black
marker pen,
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00:06:48,016 --> 00:06:49,796
scratched out
the pork chops.
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00:06:49,844 --> 00:06:52,634
So the man come
in, he sat down, opened up the menu.
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00:06:52,673 --> 00:06:54,243
Waitress come
over and she said,
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00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,503
"You know, I just
scratched what you'd really like."
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00:06:56,546 --> 00:06:58,506
He said, "All right,
go wash your hand
165
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,808
"and bring me
them pork chops."
166
00:07:04,162 --> 00:07:06,562
All right now,
look it... Look it here.
167
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,120
When I get
ready to bring the act out,
168
00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:09,776
I'm gonna say,
169
00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:11,650
"Are you ready
for the next comedian?"
170
00:07:11,692 --> 00:07:13,082
Now your response is,
171
00:07:13,128 --> 00:07:15,298
"Yeah, bring out the
next motherfucker."
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00:07:16,479 --> 00:07:18,089
All right,
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00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:19,923
and it's okay
you know, to go crazy with it.
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00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:22,351
Are you ready for
the next artist?
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00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:23,568
AUDIENCE: Yeah,
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00:07:23,617 --> 00:07:25,487
bring out the next
motherfucker.
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00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:26,842
From Sin City,
ladies and gentlemen,
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00:07:26,881 --> 00:07:28,671
please welcome
Todd Lynn.
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00:07:28,709 --> 00:07:30,489
[MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:07:35,977 --> 00:07:39,277
Yeah I'm the next
motherfucker.
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00:07:39,328 --> 00:07:41,108
Yo black brothers,
what we got
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00:07:41,156 --> 00:07:43,326
to do right starting
off is give a round of applause
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00:07:43,375 --> 00:07:46,675
to the beautifulest
creatures God ever created, my black women.
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00:07:46,727 --> 00:07:48,377
Put your hands
together for 'em.
185
00:07:48,424 --> 00:07:50,474
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
186
00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:53,298
My black
women...my...
187
00:07:53,342 --> 00:07:55,212
My black women smooth.
188
00:07:55,257 --> 00:07:57,217
They...they smooth
and they much smarter than black men.
189
00:07:57,259 --> 00:07:59,169
We don't admit
it all the time because see like,
190
00:07:59,217 --> 00:08:02,657
niggas, we all go
out and shit to the club with our boys,
191
00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:04,399
we'll hook up
with a woman.
192
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,570
We will leave our
boy ass stranded at the club, won't we?
193
00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:08,306
Just leave
his ass there.
194
00:08:08,357 --> 00:08:10,357
Women don't do that
shit, they smooth.
195
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:12,622
They be like three,
four of them, they'll go in the bathroom,
196
00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:14,616
get in a little
football huddle be like...
197
00:08:14,668 --> 00:08:17,448
"Listen here, girl,
I'm about to hook up with old dude, okay?
198
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,317
"You take my
car and drive Shaniqua out.
199
00:08:19,368 --> 00:08:21,108
"She gonna watch
my kids, okay?
200
00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:23,632
"And then...listen...
If that nigga crazy,
201
00:08:23,677 --> 00:08:26,807
"I'm gonna let your
phone ring two times, all right?
202
00:08:26,854 --> 00:08:29,294
"And then I'm gonna
come running out and then getting' in the car.
203
00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:30,684
"Okay, ready,
break."
204
00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:35,467
Women... Hey man,
they...they smooth with their shit.
205
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,335
It's easier too
for women to do shit,
206
00:08:37,386 --> 00:08:40,906
like women go on trips,
get like one hotel room,
207
00:08:40,955 --> 00:08:42,735
sleep in the same
bed with each other.
208
00:08:42,783 --> 00:08:44,573
Niggas, we can't do
that shit, can we?
209
00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:46,221
Cause around six o'
clock in the morning,
210
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:49,574
nigga dick get rock
hard, don't it?
211
00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:52,096
Hey, yo dick get hard,
his dick get hard,
212
00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:53,580
you roll over,
y'all dicks touching,
213
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,400
somebody got to die
in that motherfucker.
214
00:08:57,798 --> 00:08:59,928
Hey...hey I'm
telling you one...
215
00:08:59,974 --> 00:09:01,154
One thing I know,
216
00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:02,592
balls ain't
supposed to touch,
217
00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:04,239
you know what
I'm saying?
218
00:09:04,282 --> 00:09:05,722
I don't give
a damn what the situation is.
219
00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:07,632
You could be on the
basketball team,
220
00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,067
you taking a shower,
221
00:09:09,113 --> 00:09:11,383
your boy slip and fall,
you fall on top of him,
222
00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:14,470
your balls touch
his balls, you got to kill that nigga.
223
00:09:14,510 --> 00:09:17,640
Nigga, you got
to die in this motherfucker.
224
00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:19,077
You...hey...
225
00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:21,083
You be mad at a
motherfucker your whole life.
226
00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:23,035
Niggas be like,
"What's wrong with you and James?"
227
00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:25,134
You can't tell nobody,
you just can't go,
228
00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:28,923
"Oh, back in '94
his balls touched my balls.
229
00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:31,179
"I don't say
nothing to that motherfucker, man."
230
00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:34,617
No shit man,
now look at
231
00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:35,921
there's a room
full of women talking about,
232
00:09:35,966 --> 00:09:37,526
"I ain't sucking
no dick. I ain't...
233
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,267
"I ain't sucking shit.
I ain't sucking no dick."
234
00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:41,147
Men tell 'em
that's because you don't know
235
00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:44,539
the power of
a dick suck.
236
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,464
You don't know
the power of a dick suck.
237
00:09:46,498 --> 00:09:50,238
Hey, a dick suck
make a nigga come home at night, okay?
238
00:09:50,285 --> 00:09:52,155
I'm trying
to tell ya.
239
00:09:56,552 --> 00:09:58,252
Hey,
240
00:09:58,293 --> 00:10:01,473
a dick suck make
a nigga answer a page, all right?
241
00:10:01,513 --> 00:10:03,733
Hey, he don't need
to see no codes or nothing,
242
00:10:03,777 --> 00:10:04,947
he see that number,
243
00:10:04,995 --> 00:10:06,075
he know that's
a priority call.
244
00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:07,997
He be like,
"I got to go,
245
00:10:08,042 --> 00:10:10,222
"your ass got to get
a ride home, nigga."
246
00:10:14,004 --> 00:10:15,794
Hey check this
out though... Check this out though.
247
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,832
I got to get out
of here, but... But check this out.
248
00:10:17,878 --> 00:10:19,878
Man, I... I'm looking
for me a woman, you know, I'm a single motherfucker.
249
00:10:19,923 --> 00:10:21,193
I'm looking
for a woman,
250
00:10:21,229 --> 00:10:22,969
but I'm a big,
chunky motherfucker
251
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:26,413
so big, chunky-ass
women think that's what I want.
252
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:30,893
No, no hell no.
253
00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:32,764
What the fuck am I
gonna do with a woman built like me?
254
00:10:32,806 --> 00:10:35,236
What the fuck
we gonna do, wrestle?
255
00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:39,680
I can't see her shit,
she can't see mine,
256
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:42,026
we just up in that
motherfucker bumpin' and sweatin'.
257
00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:43,506
Ain't touching shit.
258
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:44,855
I'm like, "Put
your leg up,
259
00:10:44,905 --> 00:10:46,725
"I can't even reach
the motherfucker.
260
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:49,256
"Now this is safe
sex for yo' ass."
261
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:52,300
Hey listen,
I'm Todd Lynn, Sin City y'all.
262
00:10:52,347 --> 00:10:54,087
[MUSIC PLAYING]
263
00:11:02,183 --> 00:11:04,713
[SIGHS]
264
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:07,621
You know, they told
me the jokes was too damn complicated.
265
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:11,057
I went in the back,
they said that last one was too complicated.
266
00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:16,885
So now, I'm going
to hit you with the elephant joke series.
267
00:11:16,937 --> 00:11:19,237
You know we heard
elephant jokes all our lives.
268
00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:21,157
As children we
heard elephant jokes,
269
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:22,902
they weren't
that funny but they was cute.
270
00:11:22,943 --> 00:11:24,733
How come elephants
don't ride tricycles?
271
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,561
Cause the
finger too big for the bell.
272
00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:27,948
Ding ding,
not funny,
273
00:11:27,991 --> 00:11:29,381
but damn cute.
274
00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:31,127
And then you
had the two-part elephant joke.
275
00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:33,208
Part one,
276
00:11:33,257 --> 00:11:37,347
what did Tarzan say when
he saw the elephants coming up the road?
277
00:11:38,523 --> 00:11:39,613
[AUDIENCE MEMBER RESPONDS]
278
00:11:39,655 --> 00:11:41,605
No, no, no,
no he said,
279
00:11:41,657 --> 00:11:44,787
"Look, there's
some elephants
280
00:11:44,834 --> 00:11:46,884
"coming up
the road."
281
00:11:49,578 --> 00:11:52,408
Damn. Now that's
okay. Come on, that's all right.
282
00:11:52,450 --> 00:11:54,100
Give 'em a break...
Give 'em a break.
283
00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:55,718
We're gonna do this
one more time, I'll give you a chance
284
00:11:55,758 --> 00:11:57,188
to redeem yourself.
We're gonna try it one more time,
285
00:11:57,238 --> 00:11:59,628
use that brain,
squeeze that noodle,
286
00:11:59,675 --> 00:12:01,715
cogitate.
287
00:12:01,764 --> 00:12:03,814
Part two...
You're gonna try this time, right?
288
00:12:03,853 --> 00:12:05,773
You're gonna try it?
Don't help him. Don't help him.
289
00:12:05,812 --> 00:12:07,342
Part two...
It's a two-part elephant joke.
290
00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:09,248
What did Tarzan
say when he saw the elephants
291
00:12:09,293 --> 00:12:10,953
come up the road
with sunglasses on?
292
00:12:10,991 --> 00:12:12,171
Come on.
Come on. Come on.
293
00:12:16,126 --> 00:12:17,686
COLYAR:
That's all right, he didn't say shit.
294
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:20,037
He couldn't
recognize them. And then...
295
00:12:20,087 --> 00:12:24,127
And then you moved
on to a more risque elephant joke.
296
00:12:24,178 --> 00:12:26,878
How do you make
an elephant come?
297
00:12:37,365 --> 00:12:40,315
And the all-time
elephant favorite,
298
00:12:40,368 --> 00:12:42,458
the Mercedes-Benz
299
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:44,200
elephant joke.
300
00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:46,371
How many people
in the room own a Mercedes-Benz?
301
00:12:46,417 --> 00:12:48,157
Okay I'm
sorry, lease...
302
00:12:48,202 --> 00:12:50,512
Lease a
Mercedes-Benz?
303
00:12:50,552 --> 00:12:53,952
Okay, how many
people wish like hell they had a Merc...
304
00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:55,560
Give...give him
a hand, my man right there with the hat.
305
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,170
What's your
name, brother?
306
00:12:57,211 --> 00:12:58,301
What's your name, bro?
What's your name?
307
00:12:58,342 --> 00:13:00,342
Huh?
308
00:13:00,388 --> 00:13:02,128
COLYAR: Claremont?
Can you take that spot... That spot off him
309
00:13:02,172 --> 00:13:03,742
'cause that glare
come off his head fucking me up.
310
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:04,783
Don't...
311
00:13:06,568 --> 00:13:08,268
Claremont,
312
00:13:08,309 --> 00:13:09,529
they named you
after a street. Okay, Claremont...
313
00:13:09,571 --> 00:13:11,311
Um...
314
00:13:11,355 --> 00:13:13,705
We're dedicating
this last joke to you, my friend,
315
00:13:13,749 --> 00:13:15,619
because you'd like
to have your very own Mercedes-Benz.
316
00:13:15,664 --> 00:13:17,274
Ladies and gentlemen,
317
00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:20,228
we're dedicating this
joke to my friend, Claremont,
318
00:13:20,277 --> 00:13:22,187
because he'd like
to have his very own Mercedes-Benz.
319
00:13:22,236 --> 00:13:24,186
Ladies and gentlemen,
who we dedicating this last joke to?
320
00:13:24,238 --> 00:13:26,198
AUDIENCE: Claremont.COLYAR: Come on, say
it like you mean it.
321
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,200
AUDIENCE: Claremont.COLYAR: Claremont,
322
00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:29,942
this Bud's on you.
323
00:13:29,983 --> 00:13:32,383
Now don't tell
this at home.
324
00:13:32,420 --> 00:13:34,070
True story.
325
00:13:34,117 --> 00:13:35,857
An elephant
and a mouse,
326
00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:37,292
pretty good
friends.
327
00:13:37,338 --> 00:13:40,818
Pretty good friends
indeed, were walking
328
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:41,863
through the
jungles of Africa.
329
00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:46,346
Minding their
own business,
330
00:13:46,390 --> 00:13:48,570
walking down the
street...wait,
331
00:13:48,610 --> 00:13:51,220
I'm sorry brotha,
the path...the path.
332
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:53,658
Elephant trip,
333
00:13:53,702 --> 00:13:55,882
falls into a huge
hole, starts screaming, "Save me. Save me."
334
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:58,192
Mouse says,
"What the fuck do you expect..."
335
00:13:58,228 --> 00:13:59,798
He said, "Wait,
wait, I got an idea."
336
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:02,889
Mouse runs home,
goes into his garage,
337
00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:06,019
gets out his
Mercedes-Benz... True story.
338
00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:07,762
True story.
339
00:14:07,803 --> 00:14:09,763
Drive down to
the Ace Hardware,
340
00:14:09,805 --> 00:14:11,015
buy some rope.
341
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:12,937
Puts the rope in
the back of his
342
00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:14,942
COLYAR: Mercedes-Benz.AUDIENCE: Mercedes-Benz.
343
00:14:14,984 --> 00:14:16,904
Drives back out to
the hole and shouts down to the elephant.
344
00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:19,083
He say, "Listen,
I'm gonna tie one end of this rope
345
00:14:19,119 --> 00:14:20,639
"to the back of my..."
346
00:14:20,685 --> 00:14:21,855
COLYAR: Mercedes-Benz.AUDIENCE: Mercedes-Benz
347
00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:23,784
"You tie the other
end to your snoot.
348
00:14:23,819 --> 00:14:27,079
"See that way,
when we pull out, you'll be saved."
349
00:14:27,127 --> 00:14:28,777
It worked.
It worked.
350
00:14:28,824 --> 00:14:30,004
Pretty good
friends?
351
00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:31,963
Pretty good
friends, indeed.
352
00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:35,311
Claremont, are you
still following this story?
353
00:14:35,352 --> 00:14:36,402
Okay, good.
354
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:37,660
A couple days later,
355
00:14:37,702 --> 00:14:40,922
the elephant and
the mouse walk
356
00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:43,927
through the jungles
of Africa again
357
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,750
minding their
own business.
358
00:14:46,581 --> 00:14:47,891
Walking down...
359
00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:48,930
WOMAN: The path.
360
00:14:48,975 --> 00:14:50,145
The path.
361
00:14:50,193 --> 00:14:52,073
This time the
mouse trips,
362
00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:54,068
falls into the hole
start screaming, "Save me. Save me."
363
00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:57,460
So of course the
elephant whips out his dick...
364
00:14:57,505 --> 00:14:58,985
Duh-huh.
365
00:14:59,028 --> 00:15:00,328
Drops it in
the hole...
366
00:15:00,377 --> 00:15:02,207
Duh-huh.
367
00:15:02,249 --> 00:15:04,769
Tells the mouse,
"You run up my dick, you'll be saved."
368
00:15:04,816 --> 00:15:06,556
It worked. It worked.
And Claremont,
369
00:15:06,601 --> 00:15:11,131
Claremont, do you
know the moral of this story?
370
00:15:11,171 --> 00:15:14,481
Hey, if you got
a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes-Benz,
371
00:15:14,522 --> 00:15:15,612
don't worry
about it.
372
00:15:15,653 --> 00:15:17,003
Okay now...
373
00:15:18,526 --> 00:15:20,346
[AUDIENCE CHANTING]
374
00:15:23,313 --> 00:15:27,713
Give me your hand.
Give me love, baby.
375
00:15:27,752 --> 00:15:28,842
Are y'all ready
for the next
376
00:15:28,884 --> 00:15:30,414
comedian?
377
00:15:30,451 --> 00:15:32,981
AUDIENCE: Yeah, bring
out the next motherfucker.
378
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:34,319
COLYAR: Yeah,
379
00:15:34,368 --> 00:15:36,668
please welcome Angelique.
Give it up ladies...
380
00:15:36,718 --> 00:15:38,758
[MUSIC PLAYING]
381
00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:46,160
What's up,
New York?
382
00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:47,896
How y'all doing?
383
00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:51,471
Ooh, is that
my baby daddy?
384
00:15:52,473 --> 00:15:54,043
Thank you.
385
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:58,127
It's my first time...
First time in New York,
386
00:15:58,174 --> 00:15:59,444
it is a blessing
to be here.
387
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,400
I know about the cold
as a brick out here.
388
00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:03,348
Y'all got a lot
of things in common with L.A., though.
389
00:16:03,397 --> 00:16:04,827
I hear y'all
got a lot of area codes,
390
00:16:04,876 --> 00:16:06,696
718...what...
What else y'all got?
391
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:08,528
212?
392
00:16:08,576 --> 00:16:09,746
It's like that in
L.A., we have a lot of area codes,
393
00:16:09,794 --> 00:16:11,674
but they got gangs.
394
00:16:11,709 --> 00:16:14,669
When I first
moved to L.A., I was in the 213s,
395
00:16:14,712 --> 00:16:17,802
and the big homies,
rotary and dial tone, they was like, "Look,
396
00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:19,536
"we don't like 818s,
397
00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:21,417
"714s,
398
00:16:21,458 --> 00:16:23,328
"909s.
399
00:16:23,373 --> 00:16:25,943
"You get caught
slipping, they taking your phone cord."
400
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:28,115
So I'm at the pay
phone one day, right? I'm on the phone,
401
00:16:28,161 --> 00:16:30,121
these guys just
rolled up on me.
402
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:31,903
Phone check, punk.
403
00:16:31,947 --> 00:16:34,597
I was like, "Excuse
me, I am a lady."
404
00:16:34,645 --> 00:16:36,555
He's like,
"You right baby, you right.
405
00:16:36,604 --> 00:16:37,914
"Phone check,
trick."
406
00:16:37,953 --> 00:16:39,783
I'm like,
"Fool, this 213."
407
00:16:39,824 --> 00:16:41,784
So I throw my set
cause I'm down from mine, all right?
408
00:16:41,826 --> 00:16:43,826
They was like,
"Oh what you from, Sprint?"
409
00:16:43,872 --> 00:16:45,532
I was like, "No."
410
00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:51,095
"Oh you must be
from AT&T then."
411
00:16:51,140 --> 00:16:54,400
I was like,
"No fool, this is MCI."
412
00:16:54,448 --> 00:16:57,668
They was like,
"So you got friends and family huh?
413
00:16:57,712 --> 00:16:59,452
"Okay you rollin'
like that."
414
00:16:59,496 --> 00:17:01,626
So I called the
big homies, I was like, "Look man,
415
00:17:01,672 --> 00:17:03,632
"they just jacked
me. Yeah,
416
00:17:03,674 --> 00:17:05,114
"this is what
we gonna do.
417
00:17:05,154 --> 00:17:07,074
"We gonna get us some
cordless phones.
418
00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:09,553
"We about to do a
star sixty-nine on these motherfuckers."
419
00:17:11,247 --> 00:17:13,077
How many people
got relatives in jail?
420
00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:14,949
Everybody
in jail,
421
00:17:14,990 --> 00:17:17,470
my uncles,
my brothers,
422
00:17:17,514 --> 00:17:19,044
that's why I had
to cut my hair.
423
00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:20,561
Somebody had to be
the man of our family.
424
00:17:20,604 --> 00:17:22,484
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
425
00:17:22,519 --> 00:17:25,169
I ain't swinging,
I like bones in my fish, okay?
426
00:17:31,659 --> 00:17:33,699
That's right.
427
00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:36,448
No fillets
for the kid, no fillets for me.
428
00:17:36,490 --> 00:17:39,100
But you know the
sad thing about getting letters from jail,
429
00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:41,145
you know what
the sad thing is?
430
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:42,630
As soon as you get it,
431
00:17:42,670 --> 00:17:44,590
you got to pull
out your red pen,
432
00:17:44,628 --> 00:17:46,068
correct it,
433
00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:48,368
mail it back so
they can rewrite it.
434
00:17:48,415 --> 00:17:51,845
Spelling hello with
a W on the end don't make no sense.
435
00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:56,121
Then my brother
think... He trying to be Muslim now.
436
00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:58,692
But he say he not
that kind of Muslim.
437
00:17:58,729 --> 00:18:03,129
See, I can eat the pork
as long as the pig was raised in church.
438
00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:05,429
Hey, I can still eat it.
439
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:07,515
Had to enlighten him...
On...on something.
440
00:18:07,564 --> 00:18:11,134
Did y'all know
the first Muslim was a white man?
441
00:18:11,177 --> 00:18:12,657
Y'all remember
Alfalfa.
442
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,010
You remember that
little tight suit.
443
00:18:14,049 --> 00:18:16,229
That little
bow tie?
444
00:18:16,269 --> 00:18:19,359
Always selling stuff?
445
00:18:19,402 --> 00:18:22,752
I'm watching a tape
on the Little Rascals, no lie,
446
00:18:22,797 --> 00:18:24,187
Alfalfa coming
up the street.
447
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:25,843
"[GREETING IN ARABIC]
brother Buckwheat."
448
00:18:27,889 --> 00:18:31,069
Buckwheat was like,
[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]
449
00:18:32,459 --> 00:18:33,939
No nothing
against Muslims.
450
00:18:33,982 --> 00:18:36,682
I support the Million Man
March all the way.
451
00:18:36,724 --> 00:18:37,814
[CROWD CHEERING]
452
00:18:37,855 --> 00:18:39,025
It's great.
453
00:18:39,074 --> 00:18:41,694
Black men
together in peace.
454
00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:45,169
They say next year
we're going to have a million women marching.
455
00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:46,301
What you all think?
456
00:18:46,342 --> 00:18:47,742
We can do it?
Million women?
457
00:18:49,998 --> 00:18:52,998
Well I... I think
we pretty much got it together.
458
00:18:53,044 --> 00:18:54,834
The women got
it together.
459
00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:59,702
See I think they need
to have them hoochies out there in March.
460
00:18:59,747 --> 00:19:00,967
That's what they
need to help.
461
00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:03,049
Could y'all imagine
462
00:19:03,098 --> 00:19:06,148
just a sea of blond
and burgundy dookie braids with black roots?
463
00:19:07,755 --> 00:19:09,445
And they guest
speaker come up.
464
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:14,276
"Hoochie hoo.
465
00:19:14,327 --> 00:19:16,937
"As I look out
amongst my sisters,
466
00:19:16,981 --> 00:19:21,811
"I can see we been hair
weaved, tattooed,
467
00:19:21,856 --> 00:19:23,246
"tanguerayed.
468
00:19:23,292 --> 00:19:25,082
"We didn't land in
that low rider,
469
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,340
"That nigga wanted
to ride with us.
470
00:19:27,383 --> 00:19:30,173
"So today I want
y'all to take this pledge,
471
00:19:30,212 --> 00:19:33,352
"put yo hand on your
hip and say your name...
472
00:19:33,389 --> 00:19:34,959
"Say your name.
473
00:19:36,131 --> 00:19:39,091
"I...say
your name..."
474
00:19:39,134 --> 00:19:42,224
"Shamiqua, have the
sounds of my core,
475
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:45,358
"a cold body and
niggas on my mind
476
00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:47,491
"will not fake
pregnancy to get abortion money
477
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:48,754
"to pay my rent.
478
00:19:54,628 --> 00:19:56,758
"I will broaden
my horizons.
479
00:19:56,804 --> 00:20:00,424
"My ideal black art
will no longer be St. Idesposters.
480
00:20:01,983 --> 00:20:04,203
"I will not name
my kids after cars.
481
00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:06,416
"Come here Volvo,
sit your little butt down.
482
00:20:06,466 --> 00:20:10,596
"Mercedes,
park it.
483
00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:15,434
"And I will not tattoo
all my baby daddy names on the same arm
484
00:20:15,475 --> 00:20:17,605
"because you know
they don't get along."
485
00:20:17,651 --> 00:20:18,741
You guys have
been fun,
486
00:20:18,782 --> 00:20:20,132
my name is
Angelique.
487
00:20:20,175 --> 00:20:22,045
Keep supporting the arts.
Thank you very much.
488
00:20:22,090 --> 00:20:23,090
[MUSIC PLAYING]
489
00:20:42,197 --> 00:20:45,637
I can dance my
ass off in my car.
490
00:20:45,679 --> 00:20:48,379
Hey y'all be doing that?
You be driving, you be jamming like a motherfucker
491
00:20:48,421 --> 00:20:49,731
and then you get
to the dance floor,
492
00:20:49,770 --> 00:20:51,250
"Oh no, I don't dance in
public. Thank you."
493
00:20:52,947 --> 00:20:55,647
Are you ready
for the next comedian?
494
00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:58,649
AUDIENCE: Yeah,
bring out the next motherfucker.
495
00:20:58,692 --> 00:21:01,302
COLYAR: Now, let's
try it with just the male voices.
496
00:21:01,347 --> 00:21:03,517
Are you ready
for the next comedian?
497
00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:06,346
MEN: Yeah, bring out
the next motherfucker.
498
00:21:06,395 --> 00:21:08,655
Whoo! That
shit felt good.
499
00:21:08,702 --> 00:21:11,662
This man is a
personal friend and a very, very nice man.
500
00:21:11,705 --> 00:21:13,395
He is hilarious.
501
00:21:13,446 --> 00:21:15,136
You'll be seeing
him on several shows this season.
502
00:21:15,186 --> 00:21:17,316
I taped one with
him yesterday. Um...
503
00:21:17,363 --> 00:21:20,103
I can't say the other
network, but he...he just got a thirty minute
504
00:21:20,148 --> 00:21:21,188
special doing comedy.
505
00:21:21,236 --> 00:21:23,326
He is so funny
and so fantastic.
506
00:21:23,369 --> 00:21:25,069
Uh, this is his
second appearance here, I understand,
507
00:21:25,109 --> 00:21:26,239
I didn't know
he did one here before because,
508
00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:27,495
you know,
I just got cable.
509
00:21:27,547 --> 00:21:29,157
My cousin...[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
510
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,030
No really, my cousin
hook up everybody in the building
511
00:21:31,072 --> 00:21:34,252
for fifteen, twenty
and you don't pay but once a year.
512
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,693
Anyway, the man
is quite fantastic.
513
00:21:36,730 --> 00:21:39,340
He's from Atlanta.
I want you to bring him in here with some real love.
514
00:21:39,385 --> 00:21:41,335
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Bruce Bruce.
515
00:21:41,387 --> 00:21:43,387
[MUSIC PLAYING]
516
00:21:52,572 --> 00:21:53,832
What's up, y'all?
517
00:21:53,877 --> 00:21:55,617
[AUDIENCE RESPONDS]
518
00:21:57,098 --> 00:22:00,058
Oh man, I got a
problem being big.
519
00:22:00,101 --> 00:22:02,711
People just pick on you
because you're big, you know what I'm talking about.
520
00:22:02,756 --> 00:22:04,926
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
521
00:22:04,975 --> 00:22:06,455
As a matter of fact,
let's go get something to eat after we leave here.
522
00:22:07,935 --> 00:22:09,235
We got to ride in
your car, you get
523
00:22:09,284 --> 00:22:11,374
in the front,
I get in the back.
524
00:22:11,417 --> 00:22:13,287
Car look like it
full with niggers, you with me?
525
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:14,642
Everybody gonna be like,
"Oh look at all them
526
00:22:14,681 --> 00:22:16,511
"niggas in that car, man."
527
00:22:16,552 --> 00:22:18,952
Be two brothers
riding in that motherfucker.
528
00:22:22,123 --> 00:22:24,263
People pick on you
because you're fat, you know what I'm saying?
529
00:22:24,299 --> 00:22:25,949
I go to the grocery
store today.
530
00:22:25,996 --> 00:22:27,606
You know, I'm just
walking around with my cart
531
00:22:27,650 --> 00:22:29,610
getting something to
eat, you know I can't miss no meal.
532
00:22:29,652 --> 00:22:32,312
Little girl about
three years old just looking at me.
533
00:22:35,441 --> 00:22:38,921
So I'm trying to walk on,
I say, "What's wrong with this little girl?"
534
00:22:40,228 --> 00:22:42,618
She tell me,
"Hey fat daddy.
535
00:22:42,665 --> 00:22:47,835
"Hey fat daddy.
Hey fat daddy."
536
00:22:47,888 --> 00:22:50,108
I tried to skip a aisle
on her, you know what I'm saying,
537
00:22:50,151 --> 00:22:54,551
till her, "I see
you, fat daddy."
538
00:22:54,590 --> 00:22:58,290
People pick on you
because you're fat, you know what I'm saying?
539
00:22:58,333 --> 00:23:00,423
I'm in church
last Sunday.
540
00:23:00,466 --> 00:23:02,506
You know how you
get out of church, everybody congregate,
541
00:23:02,555 --> 00:23:05,335
you know what I'm saying?
I got my double-breasted purple suit on, you know,
542
00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:07,434
I'm clean.
543
00:23:07,473 --> 00:23:08,433
Little girl pull up
my jacket, "You don't want to play, Barney,
544
00:23:08,474 --> 00:23:09,874
"you don't
want to play?"
545
00:23:09,910 --> 00:23:12,700
"Now go now,
go ahead on, go on.
546
00:23:12,739 --> 00:23:14,999
"Leave me alone,
little girl."
547
00:23:19,006 --> 00:23:20,786
Get in town yesterday,
get me something to eat,
548
00:23:20,834 --> 00:23:22,144
you know I can't
miss no meals.
549
00:23:22,183 --> 00:23:24,143
Go to Kentucky
Fried Chicken.
550
00:23:24,185 --> 00:23:25,705
It seems like there's
bums everywhere you go.
551
00:23:25,752 --> 00:23:26,972
I come out of
Kentucky Fried Chicken,
552
00:23:27,014 --> 00:23:29,414
I got a bag over
my shoulder.
553
00:23:29,451 --> 00:23:32,761
Brother talk,
"Hey big man, what you got in that bag?"
554
00:23:32,802 --> 00:23:34,282
I say, "Some chickens."
555
00:23:36,502 --> 00:23:38,682
He get all excited,
"Ooh, I like chicken, I like chicken."
556
00:23:38,721 --> 00:23:40,811
If I guess how many in
there, can I have one?"
557
00:23:40,854 --> 00:23:42,554
I said, "Man, if
you guess how many are in here,
558
00:23:42,595 --> 00:23:44,205
"I'll give you
both of 'em."
559
00:23:46,468 --> 00:23:48,168
He said, "Three."
560
00:23:49,863 --> 00:23:51,783
Like y'all kiss
there going home.
561
00:23:52,518 --> 00:23:55,298
What he say?
562
00:23:55,346 --> 00:23:57,166
And I'm gonna tell
y'all something. If the police pull
563
00:23:57,218 --> 00:23:59,478
you over, ask for
your driver's license and insurance,
564
00:23:59,525 --> 00:24:01,825
go to his car, come
back, ask you to get out of the car,
565
00:24:01,875 --> 00:24:03,695
it's a known fact
you're going to jail,
566
00:24:03,746 --> 00:24:05,226
you know that?
567
00:24:05,269 --> 00:24:07,099
Police gonna pull us
over last night.
568
00:24:07,141 --> 00:24:08,801
He said, "Can I see
your driver's license, insurance?"
569
00:24:08,838 --> 00:24:10,618
I said, "Yeah."
Gave it to him, he came back.
570
00:24:10,666 --> 00:24:12,356
He said, "Can you
get out of the car?"
571
00:24:12,407 --> 00:24:13,667
I said, "I ain't
getting out of this car."
572
00:24:16,063 --> 00:24:18,243
He gonna try to open
the door, I lock the back. Click, click.
573
00:24:20,850 --> 00:24:22,550
He said, "I'll
tow this car in."
574
00:24:22,591 --> 00:24:25,251
I said, "I'll ride
in on the back of the wrecker.
575
00:24:25,289 --> 00:24:26,549
"I ain't getting out
till my family get here.
576
00:24:26,595 --> 00:24:27,895
"I seen what you
did to Rodney King."
577
00:24:29,685 --> 00:24:31,595
That's my time,
I'm Bruce Bruce. I'm out of here.
578
00:24:31,644 --> 00:24:32,914
[MUSIC PLAYING]
579
00:24:43,264 --> 00:24:44,744
I brought my hat
out here because people said
580
00:24:44,787 --> 00:24:46,217
I didn't have no hair
from, you know here up.
581
00:24:46,267 --> 00:24:48,047
I said I got that hole,
there's a hole...
582
00:24:48,095 --> 00:24:49,525
There's a hole at
the top and shit,
583
00:24:49,575 --> 00:24:51,005
a lot of us get that,
don't worry about that
584
00:24:51,054 --> 00:24:52,534
because it's not
what's on the head,
585
00:24:52,578 --> 00:24:54,578
it's what's in the
head that counts.
586
00:24:54,623 --> 00:24:57,023
Uh, can we have a big
powerful applause for the gentleman who
587
00:24:57,060 --> 00:24:58,450
just left,
Mr. Bruce Bruce.
588
00:25:03,850 --> 00:25:06,030
Are you ready
for the next comedian?
589
00:25:06,069 --> 00:25:08,809
AUDIENCE: Yeah,
bring out the next motherfucker.
590
00:25:08,855 --> 00:25:10,635
Ain't no more
motherfuckers tonight.
591
00:25:10,683 --> 00:25:12,083
No, we out of
motherfuckers
592
00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:14,029
and this one is not
that complicated.
593
00:25:14,077 --> 00:25:15,557
Real quick. Two
drunks sitting at a bar.
594
00:25:15,601 --> 00:25:17,211
One turns to
the other one and he said,
595
00:25:17,254 --> 00:25:18,734
"Did you sleep with
my wife last night?"
596
00:25:18,778 --> 00:25:21,558
And the other one said,
"Not a wink. Not a wink."
597
00:25:21,607 --> 00:25:23,037
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's bring up the man
598
00:25:23,086 --> 00:25:24,256
who makes this
thing possible
599
00:25:24,305 --> 00:25:25,435
every week for us,
600
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:27,220
Mr. Russell
Simmons.
601
00:25:28,657 --> 00:25:30,487
Thank you
very much.You got it.
602
00:25:30,529 --> 00:25:31,569
Thank you for
coming out.
603
00:25:31,617 --> 00:25:33,137
God bless you,
good night.
604
00:25:33,187 --> 00:25:37,737
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