All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s05e07.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for my girl, Adele Givens.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Hey, what's up, y'all?

AUDIENCE: What's up?

How y'all doing?

Where y'all from?

[AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUTING
OUT VARIOUS RESPONSES]

God damn, Foster Sylvers.
How you doing?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]Foster Sylvers.
Y'all remember the Sylvers.

All right. Hanging in there.

Whatever happened
to the Sylvers? Yo.

Oh, yeah, the Jacksons.

[LAUGHS][AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

God damn,
that's a big ass afro, bro.

But you in there.
You in there.

Ain't nobody gonna think
you're no crackhead with an afro that motherfuckin'...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][GIVENS LAUGHS]

Damn.

I know about crackheads,
y'all.

Y'all know I'm from
Chicago's West Side,

so I know about a crackhead.

Yes, indeedy. I got
a couple of 'em in my family.

My sister's a crack...

I'll be tripping on them.
You...

You know those crackheads
do tripped-out shit.

First, they don't
think nobody know they smoking crack.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]My sister used to
weigh 150 pounds.

Now, the bitch weigh
12 pounds and six ounces.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][LAUGHS] She talking about,
"I don't smoke that shit."

That bitch smoking
like Chief Tomahawk, I swear to God.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Shit, she do some funny...

Look, her whole world
is crack, man.

The bitch just...

Every day, the bitch...

Her conversation,
"Girl, you so crazy, you had me cracking up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Girl, it's hot in here.
Crack that window for me."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Girl, it's...
Ooh, it's the crack of dawn. We been smokin' all night."

Favorite song,
I Wanna Rock Right Now.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

The bitch
just a crackhead.

And steal.
Don't they steal?

Them motherfuckers
will steal anything. My sister would try...

Look, my sister
come over my house,

I try to hide shit 'cause
the bitch coming over.

You know how you got to
follow a crackhead around in your house?

From room to room
and shit.

Like you're
a real estate agent, showing the bitch the house.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Yeah, bitch.
This the kitchen. Don't steal shit."

My sister gets sleek.
She'll go in the bathroom

because she know you
can't follow no motherfucker in your bathroom.

But I be standing outside
the door, itemizing my shit.

You know, "I had tub
and I had a sink."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]"Bitch, and it better
be there when you leave."

My sister be trying to
sell crazy shit

'cause she a crackhead.
She don't know.

The bitch tried to sell me...
True story,

I swear to God.

The bitch tried to sell
me a AA battery. Just one.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And a bobby pin.

I said, "Who the fuck
do I look like, MacGyver?

"Bitch, what do I do
with a..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]"A..." [GASPS]

You know what I'm sayin'?

First comic coming to the
stage is from Detroit, Michigan.

He's making
his third appearance on Def Comedy Jam.

Give love to
Mr. Tommy Chunn.

Give it to him.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Ah!

Y'all give it up
to Adele Givens. Give it up for a woman

hosting this
motherfucker up.

That's right. That's right.
That's right.

How y'all feeling?
It's so good to be here.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Wake y'alls ass up.

This is like a family reunion
when the ribs ran out.

You ever go to a reunion,
and the meat ran out halfway through?

You done brought too many
of your friends with you,

there ain't no more
and your uncle's mad 'cause he's been

cooking since
5:00 in the morning.

He like, "God damn it.
We gonna eat some meat!

"Fuck that. Cook the kids.

"Where's little Leon?
Put his ass on the grill.

"We gonna cook some shit!"

'Cause that's my favorite
time of the year, holidays.

That's when you can see all
those relatives you only see once a year,

and you see their ass
and you know why you only see them once a year?

Because I got them
relatives from down south that show up,

be them black, black,
blue black, port black, purple black.

They be so black,
the whites of their eyes are brown.

They don't even make
these niggas no more.

You know what
I'm talking about?

I'm talking...
I got this one uncle, we call him Big Lee.

He's what you call
a basement alcoholic.

This motherfucker
would drink anything with the word "liquor" in it.

This nigger took a gallon
of collard green pot liquor,

mixed it with some vodka,
and called that shit Block and Fall.

Like, "Lee, what the fuck
is Block and Fall?"

He said,
"Look here, man,

"this stuff is so strong,
you take a sip, walk a block and fall."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Then my auntie,
check it out, my auntie,

she weighs 400 pounds.
Her name Tiny.

And she's so fat,
check it out.

First of all,
all she drank is 'cept liquor.

That's everything
'cept liquor.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And she's so fat,
she got them big meat rolls in her thighs right there.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]So when she walks, she
have to walk around herself.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And she be breathing
and wheezing and shit.

She like...

[MIMICS WHEEZING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

And she picks up speed.

[WHEEZING FASTER]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[PANTING AND GROANING]

'Cause you can't move in
with your relatives.

You ever try to go live
with your relatives?

They treat your ass worse
than strangers sometimes. Don't they?

'Cause they think you owe them
something 'cause you related to their ass, man.

One time I moved out to
California to go live with my relatives.

My grandmother.
Got there, they waiting for me at the door.

"Yeah, baby. Come on in.

"You can sleep
on this cot.

"You know your grandfather
slept on that cot when he died."

And they got a picture of
his ass looking at me over the bed.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I ain't sleeping in...
[SPUTTERING]

And they got me
in the back where it's cold, in the laundry room, right?

Talking about it's
an addition to the house.

I'm freezing
like a motherfucker.

That's a porch
with carpet in it.

Ain't no insulation.
I'm cold as hell.

And they got me
sleeping on this cot with this old bedspread.

You know, that quilt that your
great-great-grandmama made,

but your mama's scared to wash

'cause she think it's gonna
fall apart in the dryer?

Got them yellow stains on it.

Just smell like
Bengay and butt

and they just lay it
over everything.

[AUDIENCE GROANING]You know what
I'm talking about?

Yeah, you remember that?

Then they got this dryer,
it's older than they are,

and the heat coil
was busted on the dryer.

Ain't no heat on the dryer.
So it's just air fluff.

And you got to air fluff
shit for 12 hours to get shit to dry.

And the dryer made this
fucked up squeak noise like...

[MIMICS DRYER SQUEAKING]

[MIMICS HEAVY EXHALING]

[MIMICS DRYER SQUEAKING]

[MIMICS HEAVY EXHALING]

[MIMICS DRYER SQUEAKING]

[MIMICS HEAVY EXHALING]

I'm turning with it,
trying to sleep.

[MIMICS DRYER SQUEAKING]

[MIMICS HEAVY EXHALING]

[MIMICS DRYER SQUEAKING]

[MIMICS HEAVY EXHALING]

Now, on top of this,
they got a dog, y'all.

And the only reason
they got a dog is to say, "We got a dog."

Because don't nobody play
with the dog.

Don't nobody spend no time
with the dog.

Don't nobody
train the damn dog.

Dog just chained up
in the backyard,

just barking for attention.
Just like...

[MIMICS AGGRESSIVE BARKING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

[MIMICS BABBLING BARKING]

He starts cussing
your ass out.

[MIMICS BABBLING] Fuck!

[MIMICS BABBLING BARKING]

You go outside to see
what the fuck is wrong with this dog.

But the dog forget he's
got the choke chain on.

He try to run at you,
but he choke himself.

[MIMICS BARKING]

[MIMICS CHOKING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[MIMICS BARKING]

[MIMICS CHOKING]

Now, where we live, there's
these Mexicans that live across the alley from us.

They got this rooster

and every morning
at 5:30 a.m.

this rooster would
start roostering.

[MIMICS ROOSTER CROWING]

[MIMICS COUGHING]

He was sick.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

Now, y'all know
how black people are.

There's no such thing
as 5:30 a.m. on our clock.

That shit is like 12:00,

1:00, 2:00, 3:00.

12:00.

1:00, 2:00, 3:00.

So some mornings
the rooster would start, set off the dog,

the dryer's going.

I'm in this nature disco
hell mix.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]That shit was like...

[MIMICS DRYER SQUEAKING]

[MIMICS HEAVY EXHALING]

[MIMICS DRYER SQUEAKING]

[MIMICS ROOSTER CROWING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING][MIMICS DRYER SQUEAKING]

[MIMICS DOG BARKING]

I'm like,
"Shit, I'm going back home. Detroit is not that bad."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hey, thank you all very much.
I'm Tommy Chunn. Y'all been a wonderful crowd.

I want to dedicate this show
to God. Peace out.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

GIVENS: Tommy Chunn.
Give it up for him.

[LAUGHING]
That nigga's crazy, man.

Okay.

The next person coming
to the stage is from Atlanta, Georgia.

Please welcome
Tim Murray, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

How y'all doing?AUDIENCE: All right.

Now, I...
I want to say wassup?

AUDIENCE: Wassup?

See, I tried that shit
on the street, it don't work.

WOMAN: Street?On the street.

I'm from Atlanta.
I'm country.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]I got southern hospitality...
I speak to people.

If you make eye contact,
you should speak to people.

But I almost got my ass kicked
just saying "wassup" to somebody.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS][LAUGHS] Uh...

Just walking down,
make eye contact.

"Wassup?"

[MIMICS ATLANTAN ACCENT]
"What the fuck you mean, wassup?

"What the fuck you mean?
I don't even know you.

"Yo, you know this kid?"

[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]

[NORMAL VOICE] I'm like,
"Damn, old lady, put the gun down."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

New York's hard, man.

I love the way y'all
motherfuckers talk, though.

Now, see, as
contrary as it may sound, if I see a nice car,

I'm gonna look at that car,
and I'm gonna say,

"That shit
right there tight."

[LAUGHING]

If I really like it, I might
get real country and say,

"That shit right
there tighter... Tight the devil."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING][LAUGHS]

I got a homeboy
from New York. The same damn car.

[MIMICS NEW YORK ACCENT]
"Like, yo.

"Yo, peep that ride, yo.

"Yo, that shit
is all of that, yo.

"That shit is all
of that and like...

"Like a bowl of grits
and shit. You know what I'm saying?"

"Boy this boy would like
some cheese in it and shit? You know what I'm saying?

"Yo. Yo. With some toast
and jelly and butter?"

"Yo, not just any
kind of jelly.

"Not just any kind.
Yo, yo, Smucker's."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING][MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[NORMAL VOICE] Yeah,
I'm from the South, man.

If you go down south,
let me tell you,

watch out for those
white folks. Rednecks, they don't like black folk.

'Cause that gangsta rap
got 'em scared.

I did a show in
Burlington, North Carolina. New Year's Eve.

You know what I'm saying?
I knew I was out of my element

'cause there's a bunch of
tractor trailers and shit in the parking lot.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But you know what I'm saying?
I went up...

And I went
up to some gangsta music

'cause I didn't want to,
you know what I'm saying, sell out.

Plus it was a table
full of black people.

If they weren't there
I would have went up to

Achy Breaky Heart
like a motherfucker. [LAUGHS]

[MIMICS COUNTRY WESTERN
MUSIC ACCENT] "How y'all doing?"

[LAUGHS]

[NORMAL VOICE] So I went up
to some Snoop Dogg.

You know, I get to the party
and someone says, "What's your name, fool?"

I wanted to hand
this white boy,

see if he was going
to give a shout out, give him the mic.

He said some shit like,
"Brubaker."

"Brubaker up in this
son of a bitch."

Howdy-ho!

"Look here, the roof,
the roof,

"the roof is on fire."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Hell, we don't need no water

"'cause my cousin's with the
volunteer fire department."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What you need to do is put
a sprinkler system in here."

Well, I...

[NORMAL VOICE]
I didn't get no love.

None whatsoever.
This white boy stood in front of all those people

and said, "Hold it.
Cut the music, DJ Kid Capri,

"Sir Come-a-Lot, whatever
you call yourself."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Look here, Mr. Timmy Timbo,

"we don't mind you ni...

"Coloreds..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]"Coloreds coming down here,
getting your joke on.

"Hell, it's all good."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"But we can't tolerate
no gangsta rap. Not here.

"This here is Burlington,
North Carolina.

"Located in the heart
of the United States of the goddamn America.

"And we won't tolerate
no gangsta rap,

"I don't give a shit
who you are.

"Hell, you
can be Snoop Doggy Dogg,

"Dr. Dre, Ice Cube,
Ice Tea with lemons.

"Kraft Mac & Cheese,
Biggie Fries,

"Two Packs of Newport, I
personally don't give a shit."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

"Simmer down. Simmer down.

"I'm sick of these people
coming down here talking about

"Gs and hoo-rahs
and drive-bys.

"Hell, I'm a G.

"But it don't stand
for gang member.

"Stands for good ol' boy."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"And we do our drive-bys
a little bit different.

"When I see your ass,
I'm running slap over you.

"Gonna keep on a-truckin'.
Won't think two shits about you.

"Bitch come
down here talking...

"Hell, you come down
to my neighborhood, I'll bring my hood to yours.

"I live in a mobile home."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]My name's Tim Murray.
Peace.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

GIVENS:
Tim Murray, y'all.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]Tim Murray.

Fuck it. [LAUGHS]

Damn. [LAUGHS]

Your head look like taco meat,
nigga.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]That motherfucker got
segregated naps and shit.

Look. [LAUGHS][AUDIENCE GASPING]

I'm just bullshitting.
That's my little baby cousin.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Please put your hands
together for James Stephens III.

Yo, wassup?
How y'all doing?

Because last time I was
on Def Jam,

a lot of people said,
"Yo, why didn't you play the keyboard?"

Martin said,
"Yo, why didn't you do this?"

Because there wasn't
no white people here.

But there's some
white people here tonight so I'm gonna do something.

[KEYBOARD PLAYING
UPBEAT MUSIC]

Let's go, Bob.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING][GRUNTING FROM KEYBOARD]

[GRUNTING FROM KEYBOARD]

Thank you very much.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Good. It's good.

As the Asian guys say,
[MIMICS ASIAN ACCENT] "Oh, very good, Mr. Black Man.

"You start to crack me up
now." [LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You make a me
a laugh real hard."

[NORMAL VOICE] See, I don't
trust the white folk.

The white folk
been trying to top us now.

See, lately we've been
getting hot. Black people are in.

We are happenin'.

You know it.[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

And every time we come
out with some shit,

they try to top us.
You know what I'm saying?

Like, we came out
with the movie, what, Boyz n the Hood.

We were kickin' it.
They came out with Robin Hood.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You following me now,
ain't you?

We came out with
Menace II Society,

they came out with
Dennis the Menace.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Yeah, we came out with Prince,
they came out with Boy George.

Sports. We came out
with Ahmad Rashad.

They came out
with Bryant Gumbel.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

A-ha!

You following me now,
ain't you?

We came out
with Michael Jackson.

Y'all came out
with Michael Jackson.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You know, I do the best
Michael Jackson impression ever. You ever...

I can do the best
Michael Jackson impression. Check this out.

[MIMICS POP MUSIC PLAYING]

[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING]

That's it. That's it.
That's it.

[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING]

[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He grabbed his shit
19 times.

Not that I was looking at
it though. But, uh...[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Thank you very much.
I been James Stephens III.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Oh!

All right.

Oh, shit, we gonna keep this
party rolling for Arnez J.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

ARNEZ J: What's happening,
New York?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE HOOTING]

Cool.

Cool. Cool.

Great to be back.
I love you all.

Yeah!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm going to let you know
right now. Y'all know me. My name is Arnez J.

I'm from Atlanta, Georgia

and I know ya'll heard me
say the word "nigga."

I ain't calling
nobody a nigga, I just like the word nigga.

See, I like to feel good when
somebody call me a nigga.

"What's up, my nigga?"
That's what I want to hear.

That's why I need to be
niggerized real quick.

What's up, cat daddy?

Are you a true nigga?

We gonna find out.

'Cause if you ain't,
you on the special ed bus.

I want you to give it to me
like I give it to you.

What's up, my nigga?

No, see,
I didn't ask you that.

You say, "What's up, fool?"
I said, "What's up, my nigga?" You on the bus.

[MIMICS SCHOOL BUS
HORN HONKING]

Come on man. Come on.

Man, come on, man.
We gonna wait on you. We gonna wait on you.

I think we only
got four seats left!

That ain't what
I'm looking for.

Black boy.

Ooh, you cool, nigga.
You are black.

[AUDIENCE GROANING]Boy, I thought it was an
empty seat until you moved.

[LAUGHS]

Are you a true nigga?

Well, let's find out.
What's up, my nigga?

What's up, nigga?Mmm-mmm. See,
you know her, don't you?

AUDIENCE: Oh!Uh-huh.

[MIMICS SCHOOL BUS
HORN HONKING]

Come on, man.
Come on!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But y'all know, all I do,
I'm gonna to let you... Let you know something.

I just talk about
white people and I talk about black people.

I don't care because
I got some problems.

And my Caucasian
brothers and sisters, thank you for coming out.

[LAUGHS GOOFILY]
Thank you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, since you in here
with the niggas tonight,

y'all gonna be niggas,
all right?

[CHUCKLING] Of course you
can't say the word.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

It'd be a long way
to the door, baby.

[LAUGHS]

See, because once
we accept white people,

they think they
can say the word.

[LAUGHING] Oh, no, you can't.

You know, 'cause like
brothers be like,

"Yeah, what up, nigga?"
White people be like, "That's right ni..."

[THUDS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[MIMICS SOBBING]
"Why are you hitting me?

"You said I was one of you!

"You said I was a white ni..."

[THUDS][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

See, 'cause...
[LAUGHING]

See, 'cause I dare a
white person to call me nigger

so I can chase them
on purpose.

'Cause you know
they can't run.

A brother will let 'em get
all the way down the street before we go after them.

We go up to a white
person and say, "Hey, white boy."

[NASAL VOICE] "Hey,
don't call me that, nigger.

"Oh, my God.

"Oh, my God."

[NORMAL VOICE] Brother be
like, "Yeah, go ahead."

[EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND LAUGHING]

And they don't think
you're gonna catch them.

"You'll never
catch me, nigger."

[THUDS][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My name's Arnez J., y'all.
Thank you.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

GIVENS: Arnez J.
Give it up.

I got to give a shout-out
to somebody in Chicago who I love dearly.

Tito, my husband.
What's up, baby?

[CLICKS TONGUE]
Love you.

But I'm gonna fuck him
tonight. Don't worry.

[AUDIENCE GROANING]Joke. Joke.

I didn't... Did I...
Now, did I say, "Russell, come up"?

AUDIENCE: No.

Now we got to cut
and do this shit and play it off all over again.

This is the time
where we bring the head man in charge

to say
something different.

Thank y'all...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Y'all want him to
say something different, make some noise.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND HOOTING]

You heard that, right?
Did...

Thank y'all for coming out.
God bless you.

Good night!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

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