Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,701 --> 00:00:07,661
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:07,703 --> 00:00:09,313
[CHEERING]
3
00:00:09,357 --> 00:00:12,317
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
4
00:00:37,472 --> 00:00:44,392
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for my main man, Mr. Joe Torry.
5
00:00:50,572 --> 00:00:52,232
Cut. God damn.
6
00:00:53,618 --> 00:00:56,138
Fucked my groin up
doin' that shit.
7
00:00:56,186 --> 00:00:58,316
How you all doin'?AUDIENCE: Fine.
8
00:00:58,362 --> 00:01:01,022
Shit. Y'all came
up to laugh at me, say "hell yeah."
9
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,981
AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah.
10
00:01:03,019 --> 00:01:05,239
Props to my man
Kid Capri in the booth.
11
00:01:05,282 --> 00:01:06,892
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
12
00:01:10,809 --> 00:01:13,159
Up in this motherfucker
for a minute.
13
00:01:13,203 --> 00:01:14,993
We gonna have fun
in this motherfucker.
14
00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:17,341
See, all you motherfuckers,
stretched your ass out.
15
00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:21,781
Y'all up there, you wanna
jump down flip, laugh back up, do that shit, man.
16
00:01:21,820 --> 00:01:23,740
You can do all that shit
here at the Def Jam.
17
00:01:23,779 --> 00:01:25,739
What the fuck?
You want to cross that motherfucker, you...
18
00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:28,221
From the cameras, though.
19
00:01:28,262 --> 00:01:31,092
You know what I'm sayin'?
I want to see boogers flyin' out your fuckin' nose.
20
00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:33,404
The fuck I wanna see...
21
00:01:33,441 --> 00:01:35,791
Booger land, I just dump
that motherfucker off and keep telling jokes. Shit.
22
00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:37,184
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
23
00:01:37,227 --> 00:01:39,267
I want motherfuckers
to be funny as hell.
24
00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:43,446
Comics, they gonna come
out here and fuck shit up, y'all. Some shit.
25
00:01:43,494 --> 00:01:45,414
What's really on my mind...
What I really want to say though
26
00:01:45,453 --> 00:01:46,893
'cause I'm trying
to shake this shit off,
27
00:01:46,932 --> 00:01:48,762
'cause I'm having problems
with my sister.
28
00:01:48,804 --> 00:01:52,074
I got an older sister that,
uh, she lives, like, in South Carolina.
29
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,982
And, you know,
she don't get this shit.
30
00:01:54,026 --> 00:01:56,246
She think I'm changing
on my fuckin' ass.
31
00:01:56,290 --> 00:01:59,340
'Cause she called me
when I was back in L.A. at 6:00 in the God damn morning.
32
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,900
That's three hour difference.
It's 9:00 her time, talking about...
33
00:02:01,947 --> 00:02:04,167
I said, "I don't wanna
talk to you." [SMACK LIPS] "You changin'."
34
00:02:04,211 --> 00:02:06,691
Bitch, the time has changed.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
35
00:02:06,735 --> 00:02:10,605
I ain't fuckin' changed.
Time. It's 9:00 there, 6:00 here.
36
00:02:10,652 --> 00:02:13,052
The fuck you talkin' about?
37
00:02:13,089 --> 00:02:15,089
I can't stand people say
stupid shit to me.
38
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,265
Or people who beep me.
39
00:02:17,311 --> 00:02:20,401
Ever have a motherfucker
beep your ass and don't want a God damn thing?
40
00:02:20,444 --> 00:02:22,624
Beep you and shit?
You run to the phone. Beep you, 911.
41
00:02:22,664 --> 00:02:24,234
You're like,
"What the fuck's up?"
42
00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:26,104
"No, no, no. What you doin'?"
43
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,756
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
44
00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:31,186
The fuck I'm doin'?
45
00:02:31,238 --> 00:02:33,978
I'm chillin' and shit, man.
What the fuck you doin'?
46
00:02:34,023 --> 00:02:35,293
"Well, I just called
to see how you..."
47
00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:37,329
What the fuck,
well, leave a message.
48
00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:39,774
Call my motherfuckin' house.
Don't call me, beep me and shit
49
00:02:39,811 --> 00:02:41,991
you don't want
a God damn thing. Damn.
50
00:02:42,031 --> 00:02:43,341
And then this is what
I hate, too.
51
00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:45,860
When people got, like,
answer services.
52
00:02:45,904 --> 00:02:49,954
You know, you get home
and shit, and you ain't got no fuckin' messages.
53
00:02:49,995 --> 00:02:51,645
And the motherfucker told you,
you know what I'm sayin'?
54
00:02:51,693 --> 00:02:53,873
You know you got a message
and you know somebody called
55
00:02:53,912 --> 00:02:57,052
'cause you can hear
they ass breathing after the beep and shit, right?
56
00:02:57,089 --> 00:02:58,739
And you're like,
you know, "Damn, who the fuck was this?"
57
00:02:58,787 --> 00:03:00,617
And you see him later,
"Yeah, I called your house
58
00:03:00,658 --> 00:03:02,528
"but, uh, you know,
you wasn't there."
59
00:03:02,573 --> 00:03:04,923
Why the fuck you didn't
leave a message?[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
60
00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:08,057
What the fuck you think
an answerin' service for? You leave a fuckin 'message!
61
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:10,630
Damn. Then you got
motherfuckers call your house
62
00:03:11,626 --> 00:03:13,756
and think you there.
63
00:03:13,802 --> 00:03:15,802
Just screamin' in the phone.
"Joe, pick up the phone."
64
00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:17,717
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
65
00:03:17,762 --> 00:03:20,242
"Yo, pick up the phone, Joe."
They be singin',
66
00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:21,507
♪ Pick up the phone
67
00:03:21,549 --> 00:03:25,159
Motherfucker, I ain't here!
68
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,245
Damn. And they be like,
"I know you're there."
69
00:03:27,294 --> 00:03:29,254
Well, you know
I'm there and I ain't pickin' up the phone,
70
00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:32,386
then you should know
I don't wanna talk to your ass.
71
00:03:32,429 --> 00:03:35,039
Stupid. There's a whole
lot of... I hate stupid people, man.
72
00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:37,094
Stupid like one-hour photo?
Get this shit now.
73
00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:39,569
I walked into
a one-hour photo the other day.
74
00:03:39,610 --> 00:03:41,530
And you know, gave the shit,
you know, I told my man,
75
00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:43,789
you know, name, address,
tell 'em who I was.
76
00:03:43,832 --> 00:03:46,142
"When would you
like these back?"
77
00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:50,099
The fuck the sign say?[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
78
00:03:50,142 --> 00:03:53,672
Fuckin' one-hour photo, right?
That's when I want my shit back.
79
00:03:53,711 --> 00:03:55,321
He's circling 5:00,
it's 12:00.
80
00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:58,055
I'm gonna be right
across the street.
81
00:03:58,107 --> 00:03:59,847
Same shit with
45-minute cleaning.
82
00:03:59,891 --> 00:04:02,811
They gonna...
It's Monday, they circling Wednesday.
83
00:04:02,851 --> 00:04:05,461
Forty-five minutes,
motherfucker. That's what the sign say, right?
84
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:09,546
Comin' back to get my shit.
Stupid motherfucker.
85
00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:11,597
I almost did some
stupid shit though.
86
00:04:11,642 --> 00:04:13,692
Almost did some
stupid-ass shit because I like to drive fast.
87
00:04:13,731 --> 00:04:15,431
And I'm like, you know,
drivin' down the street.
88
00:04:15,472 --> 00:04:17,872
And I'm on this, you know,
this one-lane street, you know
89
00:04:17,909 --> 00:04:21,389
and these cars in front
of me goin' slow as hell. I'm doing like 20.
90
00:04:21,435 --> 00:04:23,825
I'm like damn,
'cause I'm always late for every goddamn thing.
91
00:04:23,872 --> 00:04:26,832
So I'm drivin' fast and I'm
like, "The fuck when I get to the other lane open up,
92
00:04:26,875 --> 00:04:28,955
"I'm gonna cuss these
motherfuckers out."
93
00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:31,227
Drivin' and shit.
"What the fuck?" I'm honking the horn.
94
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:34,321
They steady drivin'.
I get on the side, I said, I'm like, "What the fuck?"
95
00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:36,191
Some nuns and shit.
I was like...
96
00:04:36,232 --> 00:04:37,232
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
97
00:04:39,714 --> 00:04:43,594
"How the fuck y'all doin'?"
Know what I'm sayin'?
98
00:04:43,631 --> 00:04:45,721
'Cause I don't want that on
my ass. You know what I'm sayin'?
99
00:04:45,763 --> 00:04:47,293
You don't know what religion
to trust now, though.
100
00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:48,810
'Cause I'm catholic myself.
101
00:04:48,853 --> 00:04:50,593
I think you know,
religions, man, it's just...
102
00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:52,158
There ain't no wrong one,
there ain't no right one.
103
00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:53,994
They just like languages.
You know what I'm sayin'?
104
00:04:54,032 --> 00:04:55,822
It's the way people
communicate with their gods
105
00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:57,210
and stuff, man.
You know what I'm sayin'?
106
00:04:57,253 --> 00:04:59,043
I just... I like bein'
Catholic though,
107
00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:01,561
'cause the church
is over like that. [SNAPS FINGERS]
108
00:05:01,605 --> 00:05:04,605
Any of y'all try to go
to church, you know, Baptist church.
109
00:05:04,652 --> 00:05:06,442
Tryin' to go with my father,
he Presbyterian.
110
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:09,480
I'm like damn,
they be in there three hours.
111
00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:11,216
Done read the Bible
back and forth.
112
00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:13,487
Choir done sung 1,700 songs.
113
00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:14,970
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
114
00:05:15,010 --> 00:05:16,790
About 10 reverends,
preachers done said...
115
00:05:16,838 --> 00:05:19,318
Preached the same sermon.
I'm like, damn.
116
00:05:19,362 --> 00:05:24,192
You're sitting there like,
"Damn, come on, hurry up, the game on, damn."
117
00:05:24,236 --> 00:05:26,056
Catholic. I go in there,
"Hey, how you doin'?"
118
00:05:26,108 --> 00:05:27,888
Couple of hail Mary's,
full of grace. Boom. See you.
119
00:05:27,936 --> 00:05:29,286
Forty-five minutes
and I'm out.
120
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:32,199
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
121
00:05:32,244 --> 00:05:36,384
Shit. We gonna
pull this shit off the first time.
122
00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:38,693
Now here's,
"Damn, is he funny."
123
00:05:40,862 --> 00:05:43,082
Are you all ready?AUDIENCE: Yeah.
124
00:05:43,125 --> 00:05:45,905
For the next comedian.
125
00:05:45,954 --> 00:05:49,134
AUDIENCE: Damn. Is he funny?
126
00:05:49,174 --> 00:05:50,744
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]Hell, yeah.
127
00:05:50,785 --> 00:05:52,435
From New York,
give it up for Shang.
128
00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:02,137
Wassup?
129
00:06:02,187 --> 00:06:07,577
[EXCLAIMING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
130
00:06:08,933 --> 00:06:11,203
[EXCLAIMING][AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
131
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:15,984
I just want to say one thing.
Whether or not Michael Jackson
132
00:06:16,027 --> 00:06:18,857
rubbed his dick against
a little boy's forehead is not the point.
133
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:22,637
Whether he's guilty or not,
he's guilty of not giving
134
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:25,206
money back to
the motherfuckin' community.
135
00:06:25,254 --> 00:06:27,264
It goes about
the community, man. You see what I'm sayin'?
136
00:06:27,299 --> 00:06:29,429
It's like the government
always lie to us,
137
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:31,566
tellin' us the economy
is getting better. The economy's getting better.
138
00:06:31,608 --> 00:06:35,438
I saw this commercial
that said you can get a house, no money down.
139
00:06:35,482 --> 00:06:38,012
How the fuck do you do that?
140
00:06:38,049 --> 00:06:40,839
Kill the people who live
there and just move in? Is that how you do that shit?
141
00:06:40,878 --> 00:06:42,178
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
142
00:06:42,227 --> 00:06:43,577
"Yo, nigga, when
you get that house?"
143
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:44,840
"Today!
144
00:06:46,231 --> 00:06:48,891
"No money down!"
145
00:06:48,930 --> 00:06:51,320
Ding-dong.
"How you doin'? Ahhh!"
146
00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:55,017
"Don't you mind the blood.
Sit down"
147
00:06:55,066 --> 00:06:56,496
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
148
00:07:01,159 --> 00:07:03,289
It goes back to rights.
We gotta give people rights.
149
00:07:03,335 --> 00:07:05,635
We gotta give sisters rights.
I don't know why brothers be trippin'.
150
00:07:05,686 --> 00:07:09,166
Do you know, in this country,
93% of the time women are blamed in rape trials?
151
00:07:09,211 --> 00:07:11,521
I know how to end that shit.
You know what they do to people in India?
152
00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,961
In India, if you
steal somethin', they will cut your hand off.
153
00:07:13,998 --> 00:07:15,998
Swing batter batter swing,
you lose a hand.
154
00:07:16,784 --> 00:07:18,444
That's it.
155
00:07:18,481 --> 00:07:20,351
Steal somethin' else,
they cut your other hand off.
156
00:07:20,396 --> 00:07:22,916
And after that,
the only you could steal is maybe donuts.
157
00:07:22,964 --> 00:07:25,974
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
158
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:28,750
"Yo, nigga, grab the milk,
we got to get out of here, motherfucker!
159
00:07:32,103 --> 00:07:33,843
"I got the glazed.
We got to go."
160
00:07:38,414 --> 00:07:41,554
I just believe in that shit.
Racism's coming back like a fad, man.
161
00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:45,681
Comin' back like a fad,
like bell bottoms or some shit.
162
00:07:45,726 --> 00:07:48,116
I can't believe that 50%
percent of the south
163
00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:50,913
voted for David Duke,
a motherfuckin' Klansman.
164
00:07:50,948 --> 00:07:52,988
Let me look in the camera.
165
00:07:53,037 --> 00:07:54,997
A Klansmen you backwards
trailer park, inbreedin' motherfuckers!
166
00:07:57,825 --> 00:08:00,515
Please. He was a Klansman.
167
00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:03,347
You can't help...
How do you stop bein' a Klansman?
168
00:08:03,395 --> 00:08:06,785
Start drinking Klan lite?
Is that how you do that shit?
169
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:09,664
[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
"I used to hate niggers, but they're okay now.
170
00:08:11,447 --> 00:08:14,017
"Slurp. Slurp. Slurp.
171
00:08:14,058 --> 00:08:17,108
"Drinkin' milk
and hatin' minorities." [MAKES GOOFY LAUGH]
172
00:08:17,148 --> 00:08:20,238
[NORMAL ACCENT]
And now, all of a sudden, I'm the bad fuckin' guy."
173
00:08:20,282 --> 00:08:23,892
All I'm sayin' is, eh,
racism's gonna end.
174
00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:26,238
It's gonna end 'cause
the way we are fuckin' with the ozone layer
175
00:08:26,288 --> 00:08:27,678
with all these chemicals,
176
00:08:27,724 --> 00:08:31,864
soon all white people
are gonna be black.
177
00:08:31,902 --> 00:08:34,082
That would fuck with you all.
Y'all know that, man.
178
00:08:34,122 --> 00:08:35,782
There'd be some white dude
on the beach chillin',
179
00:08:35,819 --> 00:08:39,079
doin' the little
white dude thing.
180
00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:42,217
He'd walk on there,
"What's up, dudes? What's up? Aw, dudes.
181
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,660
"What's up?
182
00:08:45,699 --> 00:08:47,479
"Guns N' Roses, man."
183
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,487
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]"What's up?"
184
00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:56,711
All of a sudden,
he go out in the sun,
185
00:08:56,753 --> 00:08:58,543
"What's up, it's cool
to be a white dude and run the country, man.
186
00:08:58,581 --> 00:09:01,111
"Do anythin' we want, man.
Put people in prison and shit, man.
187
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:02,539
"Fuck it, man. It's cool."
188
00:09:03,804 --> 00:09:04,944
[SCREAMS]
189
00:09:07,024 --> 00:09:09,684
"I'm a black dude!
190
00:09:09,723 --> 00:09:12,643
"Oh, man. This sucks.
This is bullshit, man. This is bullshit.
191
00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:15,161
[WHINING]
"I don't wanna be black.
192
00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:16,856
"My credit's
not going to be good.
193
00:09:16,904 --> 00:09:19,214
"I'm gonna get pulled over
for no apparent fuckin' reason.
194
00:09:19,254 --> 00:09:23,264
"I don't wanna be black.
This is not right. God. Jesus. Help me!
195
00:09:23,301 --> 00:09:25,481
"I don't wanna be black!
I don't..."
196
00:09:25,521 --> 00:09:27,091
Yeah, I wanna be black.
197
00:09:27,131 --> 00:09:28,701
[CHEERING]
198
00:09:28,742 --> 00:09:30,272
Yeah.
199
00:09:30,308 --> 00:09:33,088
Oh, shit. Yeah.
200
00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:36,447
Booty time. Booty time.
Booty time.
201
00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:38,928
But... But... But...
Wait it gets worse.
202
00:09:38,969 --> 00:09:40,189
But... But... But...
Wait it gets worse.
203
00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:46,191
But... But... But...
Wait it gets worse.
204
00:09:46,237 --> 00:09:49,407
'Cause if you're gonna
believe a myth, believe that motherfuckin' myth.
205
00:09:49,458 --> 00:09:51,548
That's the only myth
we will not bitch about.
206
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,381
Go up to a brother...
A white dude could go up to a brother and go,
207
00:09:53,418 --> 00:09:55,898
[NERDY VOICE]
"Hey! Hear you black guys got really big dicks."
208
00:09:55,943 --> 00:09:57,993
[NORMAL VOICE]
"What you say? I oughta kick your...
209
00:09:58,032 --> 00:09:59,822
"Why thank you,
thank you very much.
210
00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:03,908
"I guess we can get along."
211
00:10:03,951 --> 00:10:06,521
My name is Shang.
I mean peace, for real. No more black on black crime.
212
00:10:06,562 --> 00:10:08,042
I'm out like a motherfucker.
213
00:10:08,085 --> 00:10:09,515
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]
214
00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:11,255
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
215
00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:26,670
Shang, y'all.
Give it up to Shang.
216
00:10:30,586 --> 00:10:32,536
Shit. All right.
217
00:10:32,588 --> 00:10:35,328
Gonna keep this energy
movin', movin', movin'.
218
00:10:35,373 --> 00:10:39,383
Now are y'all ready
for the next comedian?
219
00:10:39,421 --> 00:10:42,031
AUDIENCE: Yeah. Is he funny?
220
00:10:43,904 --> 00:10:47,044
Hell, yeah.
From Chicago, give it up for Mark Reedy.
221
00:10:47,081 --> 00:10:49,001
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]
222
00:10:59,136 --> 00:11:01,306
Come on.
Give it up for Joe Torry. Let him hear it.
223
00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:03,176
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
224
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:07,101
All right, New York.
225
00:11:07,144 --> 00:11:09,764
Oh, yeah, I'm from Chicago.
That's right.
226
00:11:09,799 --> 00:11:13,589
Windy city. It's cold there.
Yeah, it get cold here in New York too, right?
227
00:11:13,629 --> 00:11:15,979
AUDIENCE: Yes.
228
00:11:16,023 --> 00:11:19,853
Yeah. Yeah. You don't realize
how cold it is until you have to wait for the bus.
229
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:21,806
That's right. That's when
you know it's cold.
230
00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:24,505
Now, see, all the people
who drive are laughing
231
00:11:24,553 --> 00:11:27,773
'cause you like to stare
at the people who wait for the bus, don't you?
232
00:11:27,817 --> 00:11:30,117
That's right.
You so happy it ain't you.
233
00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:32,467
Yeah, you see people
waitin' for the bus, you just looking at 'em.
234
00:11:32,517 --> 00:11:34,867
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
235
00:11:34,911 --> 00:11:37,481
Sometimes you mess with 'em.
You just turn on the heat in front of 'em.
236
00:11:42,963 --> 00:11:46,663
I just got my own apartment.
I feel good about that. Yeah.
237
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,616
You like it, your own place.
238
00:11:48,664 --> 00:11:50,754
Oh, yeah.
I feel good about it.
239
00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:52,837
Only advice I can give you,
though, if you get your own apartment,
240
00:11:52,886 --> 00:11:54,886
find out who
your neighbors are.
241
00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:56,671
You cannot live
under certain people.
242
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,536
Like newlywed couples.
243
00:11:58,587 --> 00:12:00,367
That's right.
They do not eat or sleep.
244
00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:03,455
All you hear them do is...
[SQUEAKING]
245
00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:06,545
I don't care where you at.
You hear them upstairs. [SQUEAKING]
246
00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:09,415
Man, you hear that so much
you get in the car and you still think you hear them.
247
00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:12,297
[SQUEAKING]
248
00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:16,170
I hate when the neighbors
are upstairs having sex and they have their music on.
249
00:12:16,213 --> 00:12:17,823
Now that's really tripped out.
250
00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:20,347
'Cause then the squeaks
start getting the rhythm.
251
00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:22,391
Right? You in bed,
you hear them upstairs...
252
00:12:22,437 --> 00:12:24,397
[RHYTHMIC SQUEAKING]
253
00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:30,269
You can't get no sleep.
You laying in bed going, "Yeah, I know that song."
254
00:12:36,712 --> 00:12:39,322
You know what
I'm talkin' about. Yeah.
255
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:43,367
I like to party late. I do.
I like to come in the house real late.
256
00:12:43,414 --> 00:12:46,244
Some people think comin'
home late is like 3:00, 4:00 in the mornin'.
257
00:12:46,287 --> 00:12:50,857
I think partyin'
real late is like comin' in the next day.
258
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,510
You know?
Especially Saturday.
259
00:12:52,554 --> 00:12:54,904
You come in Sunday,
people gettin' up, goin' to church.
260
00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:58,168
Right? You like lookin' at 'em
and say, "Hey, pray for me. I'm really messed up.
261
00:12:59,735 --> 00:13:01,075
"I'm messed up."
262
00:13:04,609 --> 00:13:06,609
You know how you try
to come in the house and sneak in and not...
263
00:13:06,655 --> 00:13:08,135
You don't wanna wake up
other people?
264
00:13:08,178 --> 00:13:10,438
You can't do it
if you have wood floors.
265
00:13:10,485 --> 00:13:12,565
'Cause those wood floors
will give you away.
266
00:13:12,617 --> 00:13:16,667
Soon as you walk in,
it's like... [SQUEAKING]
267
00:13:16,708 --> 00:13:19,488
And the slower you walk
the longer the squeaks are.
268
00:13:19,537 --> 00:13:20,927
[DRAWN OUT SQUEAKING]
269
00:13:25,935 --> 00:13:31,245
And you try to shorten
them up. [SQUEAKING]
270
00:13:31,288 --> 00:13:35,898
You know you wasted because
the dog is sitting there, starin' at you.
271
00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:38,905
I don't care how wasted
you are, your dog sounds like Astro.
272
00:13:38,948 --> 00:13:41,038
[IMITATING ASTRO]
"Is that you, George?"
273
00:13:43,648 --> 00:13:46,428
Look at the ladies.
Lookin' good tonight. That's great.
274
00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:48,387
Yeah. Ladies have
an advantage over men.
275
00:13:48,436 --> 00:13:51,046
They can
wear our clothes but we can't wear theirs.
276
00:13:51,091 --> 00:13:53,091
Anything we have
they can wear.
277
00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:56,096
You make love to your woman,
she can call you up the next day.
278
00:13:56,139 --> 00:13:57,879
[FEMININE VOICE]
"How you doin'?
279
00:13:57,924 --> 00:14:00,974
"I was just thinkin' about you
and I have your shirt on.
280
00:14:02,102 --> 00:14:03,972
"I can still smell you in it."
281
00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:05,927
We can't do that,
can we, fellas?
282
00:14:05,975 --> 00:14:07,535
No, you can't
call her at work.
283
00:14:07,585 --> 00:14:09,275
"Hey baby, what's up?
284
00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:11,936
"Yeah, you've been
on my mind all day long.
285
00:14:11,981 --> 00:14:14,291
"Yeah, I'm walkin'
around in your pumps and your panties right now."
286
00:14:14,331 --> 00:14:16,941
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
287
00:14:16,986 --> 00:14:19,896
"I'm lookin' for your hair
weave right now too."
288
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:22,636
That's right.
Peace, New York. I'm outta here.
289
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,297
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
290
00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:32,775
Mark Reedy, y'all.
291
00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:38,267
Kid just be doin'
his own shit. Be groovin', kid.
292
00:14:38,312 --> 00:14:41,272
Motherfucker.
293
00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:44,135
Should be watchin' me
and shit. Kid, you should be ready to go, don't you?
294
00:14:44,187 --> 00:14:46,707
Tired of workin', man?No.
295
00:14:46,755 --> 00:14:49,015
JOE: [CHUCKLES] Hell, no.
296
00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:51,542
That's my man right there.
Kept me cool when we was on tour.
297
00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:53,406
Hey, we got a sexy lady
comin' to the stage, y'all.
298
00:14:53,457 --> 00:14:55,197
So for the women,
y'all could be cool with this shit
299
00:14:55,242 --> 00:14:57,372
'cause brothers
done came up and talked.
300
00:14:57,418 --> 00:15:00,378
So you get your little
black power, woman shit. So, you know, y'all...
301
00:15:00,421 --> 00:15:01,901
Look it... This ain't church.
302
00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:05,954
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING][VOCALIZING]
303
00:15:05,992 --> 00:15:10,562
Are you all ready
for the next comedian?
304
00:15:10,605 --> 00:15:12,645
AUDIENCE: Damn. Is she funny?
305
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:16,520
Hell, yeah. Sexy too.
306
00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:18,917
From Berkeley, California.
Give it up for Sandy Brown.
307
00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:21,361
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
308
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:34,277
Okay, tell me
if this is flirtin', okay? I need your advice on this.
309
00:15:34,324 --> 00:15:36,504
I took my man out to dinner.
310
00:15:36,544 --> 00:15:39,334
It was my treat, so you know
we went to Subway sandwiches. Am I right?
311
00:15:39,373 --> 00:15:41,593
Okay, and the girl at the
counter goes,
312
00:15:41,636 --> 00:15:43,936
[SPANISH ACCENT]
"Hola, my name Rosa, welcome to Subway sandwiches.
313
00:15:43,986 --> 00:15:45,986
"What kind of sandwich
would you like?"
314
00:15:46,032 --> 00:15:47,692
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
315
00:15:49,339 --> 00:15:51,949
And of course,
my man was like,
316
00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:54,824
"Oh, I'm sorry, Sandy.
Uh, a chicken sandwich.
317
00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:57,166
"Yeah. We'll have
a chicken sandwich. Yeah."
318
00:15:57,217 --> 00:15:58,997
And ladies, you know
my lips were tight.
319
00:16:01,873 --> 00:16:04,963
[SPANISH ACCENT]
"You want a chicken sandwich?
320
00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:08,047
"Do you want that
on white bread or whole wheat?"
321
00:16:12,319 --> 00:16:17,799
I said, "My man will have
his on whole wheat." Okay?
322
00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:21,236
She goes, "Do you want that
on a six-inch or a foot-long?"
323
00:16:23,808 --> 00:16:28,158
I said, "He and I
will share a foot-long." Okay.
324
00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:30,994
Then she goes for it, okay?
She goes, "Mister,
325
00:16:33,688 --> 00:16:35,648
"do you want something
to drink with that?
326
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:39,129
"Do you want some leche?"
[KISSES]
327
00:16:42,914 --> 00:16:45,054
That's flirtin', right?
That's flirting.
328
00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:48,271
See 'cause I was just
wonderin', 'cause I might be too sensitive.
329
00:16:48,311 --> 00:16:51,011
Or I might be readin'
too much into it.
330
00:16:51,053 --> 00:16:53,803
But now that I know
that you guys know, I know that was flirtin'.
331
00:16:53,838 --> 00:16:57,148
And how do I know this?
Because I'm a black woman which means I am psychic.
332
00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:58,890
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
333
00:17:00,802 --> 00:17:02,892
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
334
00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:06,294
Because every black woman
in America is psychic.
335
00:17:06,329 --> 00:17:09,459
Did you know that?
She knows it. Did you know that?
336
00:17:09,506 --> 00:17:11,636
Oh, you need proof?
My brother here needs proof.
337
00:17:11,682 --> 00:17:14,822
See, you take
a black woman anywhere
338
00:17:14,859 --> 00:17:16,169
and another woman
walks into the room,
339
00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:17,599
we will look her up
and down and tell you,
340
00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:19,855
"Hmm. [SCOFFS]
She thinks she's cute."
341
00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:21,608
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
342
00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:25,780
"But she not."
343
00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:28,217
And what's interesting is,
ladies, we need to use these instincts.
344
00:17:28,264 --> 00:17:31,224
Now, ladies, if your man
is not treating you right,
345
00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:35,097
you need to go out
and find one who will. Okay?
346
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:38,931
Because, it's like my mother
always says, ladies, "Men are like trains.
347
00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:41,020
"You can always
catch another."
348
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,800
Can I get another witness
somewhere in this house?
349
00:17:45,934 --> 00:17:49,244
Because you see those young
bucks trying to come up to you at the bus stop or the subway,
350
00:17:49,285 --> 00:17:51,635
whatever it is that you ride.
351
00:17:51,679 --> 00:17:56,079
And they come up to you,
still in high school trying to talk to you.
352
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:58,118
And ladies,
when we're at the bus stop we don't just stand there.
353
00:17:58,164 --> 00:18:00,174
We are there in our
Essence magazine pose.
354
00:18:03,995 --> 00:18:05,425
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
355
00:18:06,824 --> 00:18:08,134
And that young buck
comes up to you.
356
00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:12,612
"Damn, dude,
check this girl out.
357
00:18:12,656 --> 00:18:16,046
"Dude, man, she's my flavor.
I'm gonna step up to her, right, right?"
358
00:18:23,145 --> 00:18:24,625
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
359
00:18:31,022 --> 00:18:36,512
"Say, baby, you kinda cute.
360
00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:39,810
"Damn, you got it going on.
361
00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:42,077
"And my friend over there
want to get with you.
362
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,651
"Hey, yeah. So can I get
your seven digits, baby?
363
00:18:44,688 --> 00:18:46,998
"You know, your phone number.
Your seven digits, baby."
364
00:18:47,865 --> 00:18:48,865
Where was I?
365
00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:56,611
Can you get my seven digits?
Brother, you could not handle what I've got to give.
366
00:18:56,657 --> 00:18:58,697
I'm like TRW.
367
00:18:58,746 --> 00:19:02,136
Bad credit, it will take
you seven years to get over what I would do to you.
368
00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:08,972
My name is Sandy Brown.
Keep your nails done and keep your weave tight.
369
00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:10,627
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
370
00:19:16,590 --> 00:19:18,160
Sandy Brown.
371
00:19:20,942 --> 00:19:22,292
Damn.
372
00:19:22,335 --> 00:19:25,155
Y'all just saw this man
fuck up House Party 3.
373
00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:27,337
He been here before
fuckin' shit up.
374
00:19:27,383 --> 00:19:29,783
From Compton,
give it up for my man, A.J. Johnson.
375
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:31,560
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
376
00:19:43,965 --> 00:19:46,045
[MUSIC STOPS]
377
00:19:46,097 --> 00:19:48,267
Fuckin' keep it going,
damn it. [EXCLAIMS][HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
378
00:19:48,317 --> 00:19:50,407
[MUSIC STOPS]
379
00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:52,230
All them God damn
teeth in your mouth.
380
00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:53,978
Nigga, you close your mouth
and bite a hole in your chest.
381
00:19:58,632 --> 00:20:01,462
You won't clap?
Why you won't clap, man? What's wrong with you?
382
00:20:01,504 --> 00:20:04,384
That tight-ass vest on there.
I'll throw some water on you and choke you.
383
00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:06,290
[GROANING]
384
00:20:11,645 --> 00:20:13,295
I don't feel that
I'm a comedian.
385
00:20:13,342 --> 00:20:16,692
I feel that
I'm a motherfucker with problems.
386
00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:19,867
And my first problem
is that God damn Tupac.
387
00:20:19,914 --> 00:20:21,574
What the fuck
is wrong with Tupac?
388
00:20:21,611 --> 00:20:22,961
Just takin' ass.
389
00:20:25,006 --> 00:20:26,826
Then he gonna say
he didn't do it.
390
00:20:26,877 --> 00:20:28,617
Police made him pull
down his pants, he had doo-doo all on his dick.
391
00:20:28,662 --> 00:20:30,792
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
392
00:20:30,838 --> 00:20:33,708
Oh, but now
all the women hate him.
393
00:20:33,754 --> 00:20:35,324
Y'all loved him when
he made that shit.
394
00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:39,724
Y'all like,
"Oh, Tupac for us. He love us."
395
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,810
Y'all know why he said,
"Keep your head up."
396
00:20:41,849 --> 00:20:44,329
So he could sneak in from
the back and fuck you in your ass.
397
00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:45,903
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
398
00:20:48,638 --> 00:20:51,948
Every time you look down,
"Bitch, didn't I say keep your head up?"
399
00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:58,818
AUDIENCE: Ooh.
400
00:20:58,866 --> 00:21:01,256
I'm tired of them fuckin'
with Michael. They fuckin' with Michael, man.
401
00:21:01,303 --> 00:21:04,313
Who all think... If you think
Mike done that shit, clap your hands.
402
00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:06,830
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING SPARSELY]
403
00:21:06,874 --> 00:21:09,314
If you think Mike
didn't do it, clap your hands.
404
00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:12,745
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
405
00:21:12,793 --> 00:21:15,013
If you don't give a fuck,
clap your hands.
406
00:21:15,056 --> 00:21:17,186
[AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY]
407
00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:20,931
I don't know if Mike did
the shit or not, man,
408
00:21:20,975 --> 00:21:23,275
but if he did,
I think it's fucked up.
409
00:21:23,325 --> 00:21:24,665
You know, just fuckin' with
that little man.
410
00:21:24,718 --> 00:21:26,848
That little man
ain't want shit but sleep.
411
00:21:26,894 --> 00:21:29,114
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
412
00:21:29,157 --> 00:21:31,377
Wake up, dick all
in Mike hand.
413
00:21:33,814 --> 00:21:37,344
I thought Mike was a weird
motherfucker when he bought the elephant man bones.
414
00:21:37,383 --> 00:21:40,783
Because I'm a black man
and I would never go into a Kentucky Fried Chicken
415
00:21:40,821 --> 00:21:44,741
"Look here,
uh, let me have a two-piece bone dinner.
416
00:21:44,781 --> 00:21:47,311
"No, just the biscuit
and the bones."
417
00:21:50,570 --> 00:21:52,350
Fellas, don't fall in love.
If you fall in love,
418
00:21:52,398 --> 00:21:54,658
fall the fuck out
because women don't love us.
419
00:21:54,704 --> 00:21:58,104
Fellas, if you got one woman
that you kickin' it with,
420
00:21:58,142 --> 00:22:00,622
just dating her
and nobody else, clap your hands.
421
00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:01,967
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
422
00:22:03,974 --> 00:22:05,804
All right. All right.
423
00:22:05,846 --> 00:22:07,936
Now for you same
stupid motherfuckers that just clapped.
424
00:22:10,111 --> 00:22:14,201
If you think your woman
is kickin' it with you, clap your hands.
425
00:22:15,986 --> 00:22:18,246
Look it. Two of y'all probably
clappin' for the same bitch.
426
00:22:18,293 --> 00:22:20,163
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
427
00:22:25,996 --> 00:22:29,826
'Cause a women
just don't give a fuck about just one dick no more. No.
428
00:22:29,870 --> 00:22:31,920
No. A woman
will tell you in a minute, "Nigga, look here.
429
00:22:31,959 --> 00:22:36,309
"Dick comes dime a dozen
and I got a dollar."
430
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,395
So you know what you got
to start doing, right?
431
00:22:42,839 --> 00:22:47,799
You eat that shit?
Nigga said, "No, my breath smell like panties."
432
00:22:47,844 --> 00:22:50,374
Fellas, let me tell you
somethin'. Women... All men eat pussy.
433
00:22:50,412 --> 00:22:52,892
Some better than others,
but we all do it.
434
00:22:52,936 --> 00:22:55,236
And if you got a man
that ain't eatin' your pussy,
435
00:22:55,286 --> 00:22:57,846
I'mma tell you right now
how you get that shit done. One thing you gotta do.
436
00:22:57,898 --> 00:22:59,028
Douche.
437
00:23:00,901 --> 00:23:03,161
Go home, put your foot
on that toilet. [SLOSHING]
438
00:23:08,474 --> 00:23:10,174
Clean that
motherfucker out.
439
00:23:13,479 --> 00:23:15,609
I'm getting kind of freaky.
I like doing freaky shit, man.
440
00:23:15,655 --> 00:23:17,825
I like watching
women masturbate.
441
00:23:17,874 --> 00:23:20,274
Fellas, if you ain't seen
this shit, this is somethin' you got to see.
442
00:23:20,311 --> 00:23:22,441
You can't just ask a woman
to masturbate 'cause she gonna think you're a pervert.
443
00:23:22,488 --> 00:23:24,448
You got to sneak her doin' it.
I'm gonna tell you how to do it.
444
00:23:24,490 --> 00:23:26,410
When you're in
that pussy, right? You're fuckin' it just...
445
00:23:26,448 --> 00:23:29,098
[GRUNTING]
446
00:23:29,146 --> 00:23:31,496
You take her hand,
put it right here. She get to doin' it like this.
447
00:23:31,540 --> 00:23:33,110
When she get into it, back up.
448
00:23:33,150 --> 00:23:35,980
Bitch never know you gone.
She'd be like...
449
00:23:40,462 --> 00:23:42,072
And the motherfucker
won't let you help.
450
00:23:42,116 --> 00:23:43,856
You try to help, it's like...
[EXCLAIMING]
451
00:23:54,563 --> 00:23:56,523
Women are crazier
than a motherfucker, man.
452
00:23:56,565 --> 00:23:59,215
I seen that shit when
I seen Indecent Proposal. Y'all seen that shit?
453
00:23:59,263 --> 00:24:00,963
Lemme tell you
about this shit, man.
454
00:24:01,004 --> 00:24:02,924
This is a movie where you got
a man offering another man
455
00:24:02,963 --> 00:24:06,493
one million dollars
to fuck his wife one night.
456
00:24:06,532 --> 00:24:07,922
Fellas, do not go see
this shit with your girl
457
00:24:07,968 --> 00:24:10,668
'cause then she will make
you tell the truth.
458
00:24:10,710 --> 00:24:12,410
I was looking at the movie
and my girl was talkin' about,
459
00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:16,501
"Ugh. Look at him.
That man ain't shit.
460
00:24:16,542 --> 00:24:18,592
"Gonna let that man
do it with her for a million dollars."
461
00:24:18,631 --> 00:24:21,421
Then she look to me and go,
"Baby, would you let somebody fuck me
462
00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:23,940
"for a million dollars?"
463
00:24:23,984 --> 00:24:26,734
I said, "Bitch, broke as I am,
a nigga can fuck you for $200 and a nice pair of boots."
464
00:24:26,769 --> 00:24:28,549
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
465
00:24:31,121 --> 00:24:33,381
A million dollars?
I'd drop your ass off.
466
00:24:33,428 --> 00:24:35,208
[IMITATING CAR SCREECHING]
467
00:24:35,256 --> 00:24:37,736
Get out the vehicle
and politely ring the doorbell.
468
00:24:37,780 --> 00:24:40,910
Ding-dong. Ding-dong.
Ding-dong. Ding-dong. Ding-dong.
469
00:24:40,957 --> 00:24:42,957
"Hey, our bitch is here."
470
00:24:46,441 --> 00:24:47,661
I'll videotape that shit.
471
00:24:47,703 --> 00:24:50,053
Let him keep it for a resume.
472
00:24:50,097 --> 00:24:51,747
That's too much goddamn money.
473
00:24:51,794 --> 00:24:54,544
One million dollars, bitch,
nigga can fuck me and you.
474
00:24:54,580 --> 00:24:56,190
We be tag-teaming
like a motherfucker.
475
00:24:56,233 --> 00:24:58,713
"Look out bitch, my turn."
Looky-here. Looky-here.
476
00:24:59,541 --> 00:25:00,851
Oh, look-y here.
477
00:25:00,890 --> 00:25:02,240
Hey, y'all motherfuckers,
that's all.
478
00:25:02,283 --> 00:25:03,723
My name is A.J. Peace.
479
00:25:03,763 --> 00:25:05,333
[AUDIENCE CHEERING][HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
480
00:25:16,689 --> 00:25:18,869
A.J. Johnson, y'all.
Let him hear it.
481
00:25:20,562 --> 00:25:22,562
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
482
00:25:24,479 --> 00:25:27,999
[SIGHS]
What a motherfucker do for money. [LAUGHS]
483
00:25:28,048 --> 00:25:30,568
Gotta go.
Come pay the bills, Russell.
484
00:25:30,616 --> 00:25:34,526
Give it up for him. Come on.
485
00:25:34,576 --> 00:25:37,136
Motherfucker's crazy, man.
486
00:25:37,187 --> 00:25:39,627
Thank you all for coming out.
God bless you. Good night.
487
00:25:39,668 --> 00:25:42,108
[AUDIENCE CHEERING][HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]
488
00:25:42,158 --> 00:25:46,708
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
41109
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.