All language subtitles for Def Comedy Jam s04e01.eng

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

KID CAPRI: It's the Russell
Simmons'Def Comedy Jam.

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together

for my main man,
Mr. Joe Torry.

Hello. How y'all doing?

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

Damn!

Oh, shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

This a motherfucker,
my black people.

Thanks for all that.
Thanks for all that good shit.

Give my man Kid Capri
another charge. Give it up.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

He in charge.

You ready to do this, Kid?

You ready to do this?KID CAPRI: Yeah. Yeah.

You ready to
kick this off?Yeah.

Hey, couple shout-outs
are going in the house.

I appreciate y'all
coming out.

My man, Terminator X.
Give it up for him in the house y'all.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Over there.
Know what I'm sayin'?

Got his boys with him.
Is the S1W soldiers? Is that y'all?

Yeah, that's them...
That's them...

Motherfuckers be like this
and shit.

I ain't gonna fuck with y'all.
'Cause y'all come out here

with that boot shit.
I ain't got nothing for ya.

I always be trippin' off
what that shit is, that motherfucker...

What kind of dance
is that?

That's cool, that's cool.

Definitely ain't gonna
fuck with y'all, y'all must be cousins.

Don't be scared.
I ain't gonna fuck with you.

I'm gonna be nice
on this show and shit.

Usually when I come out here
and do my shit, I crack on motherfuckers.

I'mma be nice,
cause I'm a host now, all right?

I might get some pussy
later, too. Be nice.

That shit be helping
in the motherfucking house.

Cold as a motherfucker
here though, man.

Let me know if I start
ashing up, all right?

Y'all let me know.
Rub this shit down. I ain't gonna be looking

like no motherfucker
sprayed baby powder

on my ass on national TV.
I ain't bullshitting.

'Cause I'd rather take
this shit though.

This cold, come to New York
and be colder than a motherfucker

over the earthquake shit,
I ain't bullshitting.

I'm from St. Louis
but I just moved to L.A. like five years ago

and believe me,
ain't nothing like

your nuts
hitting the shower door. Ain't nothing like that.

I'm taking a shower,
my motherfucking nuts swing.

What the fuck is going on?
I can grab the dick but the nuts are swinging.

I'm like "Damn, you can't
do shit for no earthquake."

People call 911.
What the fuck you calling 911 for?

Calling the fire department.
Well...

[STAMMERS] "Could you...
Could you... It's an earthquake."

"Motherfucker, we know.

"I can help you if you
come down here and get this ladder out of my ass."

Fuck it.
People just panic during an earthquake, man.

And then... And then,
now the highways... The highways is fucked up.

So, you know,
white people gotta go through the ghetto now.

For real, they gotta drive
through the ghetto

'cause, you know, they can
drive a certain minute.

'Cause usually they can drive
by the motherfuckin' ghetto.

"Look at the niggers,
look at 'em."

See, now they gotta get off
and take a detour through that motherfucker.

And motherfuckers
be giving their ass a tour.

"That there
is the projects."

It ain't shit you work on
at school. That's where if you go in,

you ain't coming out
of that motherfucker.

Nervous. "It ain't fair
we gotta go through the neighborhood."

Hell yeah, you gotta go
through the neighborhood.

See how that shit
really is going on now.

For real, motherfucker
be like this, "How y'all doing?

"Stop light, yeah, you ain't
gonna need your car back

"for the weekend,
are you?"

For real, motherfuckers
jack they ass, man,

but I guess L.A.
ain't that bad though.

L.A. ain't that bad
if you can withstand the motherfuckin' earthquakes,

fires, floods,
carjacking, gangs,

drive-bys, and LAPD
your ass, you know, you be cool and shit.

Be cool.

So we gonna start this
goddamn show.

'Cause being in this cold ass,
goddamn, you know, city,

I lost my goddamn voice.

People always trying give
me fucking remedies to get your voice back.

"This is what you do, man,
since you got a sore throat..."

"Why don't you boil you
some orange juice?

"Don't drink the shit.
Put it in a plastic bag and set it on your neck."

I'm like "Damn,
I tried that shit."

Next thing you know,
my shit all scarred up.

I'm like wearing
turtlenecks now, right.

Them motherfuckers say,
"Well, then do this, do this, do this."

"Get you some Halls
eucalyptus, all right?

"Don't put it in your mouth,
stick it up your ass.

"See, that's where you trick
the germ to come back up

"through the intestinal track,
boom, knock that motherfucker out."

"Then you kill two birds
with one stone

"'cause your ass have
a menthol smell, you won't have to wash."

Fuck that.
I'd rather just go back to the old shit.

So y'all ready
have a good time?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Y'all ready to have
a good time?AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Check it out then.
Coming to the stage, y'all,

all the way from
Dayton, Ohio,

give it up for my man,
he funny as hell, Mr. Mystro. Give it up.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Yo, we gonna have to
hype this shit up. Y'all ready to do this?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!Okay. I know it's cold
but fuck that.

Some of y'all sitting here
with your ass too tight.

Some of y'all cool
but some of y'all, if I stuck a pencil in your ass,

you could sharpen
the motherfucker.

Y'all know as well as
I do brothers don't

leave a house
for no bullshit, am I right?

AUDIENCE: Right!When you come out
the house,

you come to get stupid.

'Cause we some
smooth motherfuckers. Your rent can be late,

your phone turned off.
Nigga, we'll throw a party.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

Goddamn it.
You know me.

You ever been looking
for your partner?

You try to call this nigga
for three weeks.

You go up in the club,
this nigga in there dancing.

You like,
"Nigga, where you been?"

"Nigga, my phone
cut off. Shit.

"Shit. My car repo.
Can I get a ride home, nigga?" Shit.

But, see, I gotta drop off
a little quick knowledge,

see it's 50 percent brothers
and it's 100 percent brothers.

I'm one of them original
100 percent old-school niggas.

Where the posse at?
Where the squad? See?

See, I love that.
See, that's some old 100 percent shit

'cause that's real,
see, but we got too many

fifty percent niggas
runnin' around now.

That's niggas with
half the knowledge they supposed to have.

Fucking shit up.

And the motherfuckers always
get interviewed on the news

with the curl bag
on their goddamn head.

How come broke motherfuckers
with raggedy hairdos always see shit happen?

Well, see I'm a tell
one story 'cause we family and I'm on break.

See, I got caught out there
one time back when

I was a 99 percent
nigga, see,

'cause you got to go
through levels. You know what I'm saying?

See, I used to date
this woman bodybuilder

'cause I like them thick
like that.

You know.
But I had to get rid of her

'cause she got
a little too strong for my monkey ass.

I ain't no little bitty nigga
but shit was getting out of hand.

You know what I'm saying?
Nigga got an image, you know.

'Cause I met her in the gym.
We both throwing about 300, you know what I'm saying?

I'm looking at her like
"I think we can do this."

You know. So I'm kicking
a little flavor, she's scooping it up.

That was kind of fly,
y'all can use that if you want to.

'Cause you know
I get her back to the pad 'cause the rat was tight.

So, you know. So I'm
thinking I'm about to lick on these titties

and get the party started,
'cause Mystro ain't no fag. You know what I'm saying?

So I bust that 100 percent
technique on her ass, figure eight, nigga, boom.

[GRUNTS]

Nigga hit that spot.
That nipple jumped up, knocked my tooth out.

But I ain't no quitter so
I throw a piece of cotton in that motherfucker.

I'm like, "No, baby,
you gonna have to knock all my teeth out

"'cause I'm in it to win it."
We take sex personal.

I'm in there like,
"Yeah, I'mma do my thing."

So I'm riding like
Roy Rogers. You know me.

Next thing I know,
she switched up on a nigga.

I'm thinking "You ain't
no challenge. I'm gonna go and break out."

Threw one of them
big ass thighs up on a nigga, kachunk.

Oh, shit, you wanna
play rough. Okay.

So I'm thinking, "Fuck this,
I'm gonna go and get real."

Now, I'm go all up in that
chest cavity on her ass. Right.

'Cause I got skills.

I'm like "Poof,
now what you gonna do?"

She threw that other big ass
leg up on a nigga, kachunk.

All of a sudden I'm having
trouble breathing in this motherfucker.

Nigga, don't faint.
Do not faint.

Don't cry, nigga.
Do not cry. Do not cry.

So I'm like "Fuck this."
I pushed back, fellas,

'cause I started feeling
lightheaded, you know.

I said, "All right
you's a strong motherfucker I admit that.

"You've been eating protein,
drinking seaweed and shit."

She said, "Well, bring your
100 percent back up in here

"and bring your tongue
with ya."

I said, "Let me get
a little bit of this Gatorade first."

Then I put on a yellow hat
with a light on it

'cause I'm about to go
coal miner deep on her ass.

You know? And then I said,
"Just call me Captain Kirk

"'cause I'm going where
no nigga has gone before on your ass."

Then I put some orange cones
around the bed so a nigga don't get hurt.

Yeah, we gonna do this.
I said, "I better stretch out.

"Shit might get out of hand
in this motherfucker.

"Might have to get Van Damme
on your monkey ass. Shit."

You know. So I step back in it
'cause I'm down with the Zulu, you know what I'm saying?

I'm looking at her big ass
right in the eye.

We like Jordan and Barkley
in this motherfucker.

I'm like "Come on
and make a move

"so I can [EXCLAIMS]
block that shit."

You know. I'm like,
"Come on with it.

"If you smell something
stinky, that's me 'cause I'm the shit."

You know me. Nigga.

Nigga. Nigga. Nigga.
You know.

[GRUNTS]

Shit. So I'm doing
my thing, right.

She fucked around
and clamped down on a nigga, right.

Pulled me down and said,
"Fuck me hard."

I said,
"Third gear on your ass."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

I said, "Let that be
a lesson to your ass."

Soon as I tilted
that pelvis, nigga,

she hit third gear
on my ass.

I said, "This bitch get
any stronger,

"I'mma have to call my momma
get me up out of here."

So I raised up for a second.
She flipped a nigga over,

threw my knees up
like a bitch,

sat on my dick
and went, boom,

"Whose dick is this boy?
Speak up, punk."

I said, "Momma!"

Mystro, y'all.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Mystro.

Y'all all right?
Y'all ladies cool?

I wanna know what kind
of booster it is make him do all that shit.

Motherfucker was splitting
like a goddamn Olympian, wasn't he?

I'm like "Damn!"
Can't do all that.

All that exercise he put in
just for some ass, fuck that.

How you doing,
Mr. White Man?

I ain't see your ass
sitting there.

You look like that
David Koresh motherfucker, man.

Don't he? Look at him.
Damn, I ain't following your ass nowhere.

That only happen
to white people who live

way out in the suburbs
or some shit

or the hicks where
they ain't got too much of what's happening.

Following a motherfucker,
he walk up and say he Jesus.

"Nigga, can we follow you?"
Take this shit to the hood.

Brother walk up in the hood
talking about Jesus.

Brother gonna be like this,
pow, right in the head.

"Now, if you Jesus,
you be up in three days.

"Right, now give me that
goddamn wallet, you don't need that motherfucker."

All right, shit. We gonna
keep this motherfucker rolling, rolling, rolling.

One of y'all homeboys
is coming here from N.Y., N.Y.

That's New York, y'all.
For motherfuckers that don't know that's watching TV.

Give it up
for Mr. Gerald Kelly.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Wassup. Wassup.

All the fine black women
in the house make some noise.

[WOMEN CHEERING]

Ladies, I'mma talk
to y'all for a minute.

How many of y'all
are sick and tired of these fronting ass niggas?

No, how many y'all tired of
these frontin' ass niggas?

The type of man who walks
in a club with his car radio in his hand

just to let you know
he's driving.

Now, it's getting
out of hand.

You got niggas
walking around the clubs carrying steering wheels,

license plates,
gasoline, mufflers, just fronting.

And ladies, I'm tired of y'all
getting on the radio telling all your damn business.

With them shout-outs.
"Hi, my name is Jazmine,

"I'd like to give a shout out
to my man Andre,

"to my son's father Darren,
to my daughter's father Mikey,

"to my baby's father Henry,
to anybody that wants some of this pussy."

And in the '90s,
there's a sex recession going on.

Oh, yeah, pussy recession.

You ain't getting it
like you used to. 'Cause I know.

I ain't had no pussy
in so long,

I woke up the other morning,
my dick was leaving the apartment.

This nigga packed
all his bags.

All I heard was the door
slam and the word "shit."

Looked out the window,
he trying to catch a cab.

I said, "Where you going?"
He said, "Yo, fuck you, man.

"I had it up to here.
You putting rubbers on me, I can't breathe.

"You know I got
asthma, motherfucker."

"I be in the room
minding my business

"and you start beating on me
and beating on me

"and beating on me
and beating on me.

"Keep your hands
to yourself, motherfucker,

"I swear to God.
I swear to God.

"Put your hands on me again,
I'll put your ass

"in handcuffs,
I swear to God."

[SOBS]

And I wish they leave
my motherfucking man, Michael Jackson, alone.

'Cause, yo, Michael Jackson
in my opinion is the greatest entertainer of all time.

You know you bad when
you got your own vocabulary.

Mike say shit like
"Shamon, ya know it, ju ju ju ju."

My name is Gerald Kelly,
I'm out of here.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Gerald Kelly. Gerald Kelly.
Y'all enjoying yourself?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

All right. all right.
Keep this shit going. That shit was funny.

Mary had a little lamb.

All right y'all, coming in
from Baltimore, Maryland,

sexy lady.
Gone put a little lady...

Got a lady coming out here
so you women can be happy.

Y'all get sick of all these
men coming out here

and talking about what
they can do to y'all.

Now we got a girl,
she probably gone set all this shit straight.

Give it up,
sexy ass she is, for Mo'nique.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Wassup! Let me hear y'all
make some noise. Wassup.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]All right. Yeah.

Now, brothers,
before I get started, let me tell you something.

I'm not up here
male bashing, no shit like that.

But sometimes, ladies,
it's our turn.

Y'all hear what I'm saying.
It's our turn. That's right.

So I want just
a little cooperation.

Let me hear all the ladies
say, "Hell, yeah."

AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!

Let me hear
all my big sisters say, "You goddamn right."

AUDIENCE:
You goddamn right!

Now, see there some
fat asses up front

but the bitches
think they chubby so they ain't say shit.

She ain't talking to me.
Hey, fat fat.

Hey. Shit.

I'm a telling you something,
is nothing wrong with being a big girl.

I'm a big girl my damn
self and I look good. You know what I'm saying?

The shit is straight,
you know. Okay.

Okay.

You know what I'm saying?
But I'mma tell you something.

I'm one for comfort.
I'm not gonna be uncomfortable for no damn body.

I wear bloomers,
my shit is up to here but I'm comfortable.

'Cause I'mma tell
you something.

It's nothing like
having your drawers caught up in your ass.

Hey, hey, hey.
And don't let that shit catch a coochi hair.

Hey hey, hey, hey!

That's some
uncomfortable shit. No, I'm not gonna do it.

And I'mma tell you what's
hard about being big, sex. Sex is a damn job.

That's why I fuck
with small men.

'Cause I can control shit.
Hey. Hey. Hey.

I like them kind of niggas
where I can pump them up then catch their ass.

Bam! I got you, nigga.

[LAUGHS] Pam, boy,
I'm gonna fuck you up, nigga.

Pam, pam, pam, pam,
pam, pam, pam, pam, pam, pam, pam, pam.

I'll tear their ass up.
Pam, pam. [GRUNTS]

I fuck them down.
Ooh, shit. Ain't no shame.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

You know how you get
that aftermath?

I want y'all to do me
a real personal favor tonight.

When y'all leave here
and you're walking down the streets of New York

and you see
a bum on the street and he's a black man,

he just got
a bad hand in life, just help his ass out.

Pick him up.
Take him to get something to eat.

If he's thirsty, take him to
get something to drink.

If he need a little
piece of pussy, take him on the side.

Pam. Just help his ass out.
My name is Mo'nique, y'all have been great.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Mo'nique!
Y'all like that, ladies?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Satisfied now,
aren't ya? Whoo!

This next guy
coming to the stage, y'all,

one of the comics
from back in the day,

I'm talking about
Mr. Paul Mooney.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, black people.

Hey, hey, hey, black people.
Hey, hey, hey.

Right, right, right, right.

Latinos, Latinos. All right.

Puerto Ricans, okay. Okay.

And good evening,
white people, good evening.

A lot of stuff happen.
'93 is gone.

Was a big year.
'94, we want more. A lot of shit went down.

A lot of black folks
got in trouble.

A lot of black people
got in trouble.

Whoopi Goldberg got in
a lot of trouble.

Lot of trouble.
The black face stuff.

I tried to tell folks.
It's hard to be a nigga in America.

To be a black man,
it is difficult.

It is not easy.
They make it hard.

Ted Danson was a nigga
for an hour.

Look all the trouble
he got into.

Look at all the trouble
he got into.

He hurried up and wiped
that black stuff off his face.

He said, "Let me hurry up
and wipe this off,

"I don't like the way
this makes me feel."

Big, big trouble, okay?

The big thing in '93
is the Bobbitt thing. The cutting off the dick.

We all know that.
That's the big deal,

that's 'cause it's
a white man's dick.

That's right.
That's why the whole world turned upside down.

A white man's dick
was cut off, okay?

They made a big deal
out of it, all right.

Women get mutilated,
arms cut off, head chopped off.

Nobody gives a damn.

White man
gets his dick cut off,

he ends up on the cover
of every magazine.

The man was on everything.
On everything. I think he was on Jet.

The man was on every cover
of every goddamn magazine.

I think the lady
ought to get an award.

She should get
some kind of trophy.

She should. I'm sorry.

She obviously got
20/20 vision, she found the little thing.

It was very difficult
to find.

I was surprised to see
she was Latino. I thought she was Japanese.

I thought it was Benihana
all that slicing and dicing she did. Cut the dick off.

Rode on the highway.
Threw the shit out in the street.

Went to a girlfriend's
house, confessed.

The girlfriend said, "No,
you've got to go find that dick, you can't do that."

She went back, found it,
they sewed it on. He was lucky.

A bird could've flew
away with that shit.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She got off on the ground
of temporary insanity.

She got off okay.
Temporary insanity. She divorced him.

Thank God it ain't
in California

'cause California is
a woman state.

She'd get the house,
the car, and the dick.

Trust me when
I tell ya that.

Wherever she go,
ain't nobody gonna ever mess with her.

If a rapist grab her
in the alley, he'll let her go.

She say, "You know who I am?
Do you know I will cut your fucking dick off?"

Thank God it wasn't a black
man's dick. Different story. Different story.

Freeway would have
been backed up.

The freeway is
backed up for miles.

There's a black dick
on the highway.

Traffic will be
backed up for miles, for days, for weeks.

White women,
close your eyes, white women.

Do not get out of the car
and for God's sake, don't touch it.

We will be sending a crane
to pick the black penis up.

A crane will be coming out
in 15 minutes

to pick up
the black penis.

And finally. The person that
pissed me off the most.

Y'all gonna get mad,
cause she's your favorite.

Oprah Winfrey.
I don't know if...

See, I'm mad at that bitch.
I'm mad at her.

Oprah lies.
She's been lying to us for ten years.

She's been saying
she's gonna get married

for how many years,
I can count, ten.

That dress is a miniskirt
by now.

The moths have ate
that dress up.

It will be a bridal bra
by the time she walks done the aisle.

And she has too many freaks
on her shoulder.

She had a woman that went
beyond Sybil, the woman had like 200 personalities.

The crazy white woman,
just crazy as cat shit.

White folks always got
people living in them.

And we and us and we
and the daughter said,

"Well, it was fun growing up
with mother

"because, I'd leave home,
I'd never know who I came home to."

I mean, just a crazy bitch.
"We and us." No reality.

If I was her landlord
I would've went straight to her house the next day.

"Bitch, I saw the show,
I'm raising your goddamn rent.

"Two hundred people
live in my one bedroom,

"I'm raising
your goddamn rent."

I bet the next month
reality would set in.

"Sir, they all moved,
it's just me.

"It's just me, sir."

Thank you. Love you.
Thank you. Happy new year. Happy new year.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

Thank y'all for coming out,
enjoyin' the Def Jam.

Listen here, give it up
for the man

who pays the bills
and hanging out with us and everything.

Kicking it back all the time.
Mr. Rubble Bibbons.

Russell Simmons.

You've got something new
to say, man?

Yeah, something new.You've got something new.

Thanks for coming out.
God bless you, good night.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]

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