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00:00:06,876 --> 00:00:10,396
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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00:00:10,445 --> 00:00:13,535
KID CAPRI: It's the
Russell Simmons' Def Comedy Jam.
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00:00:34,730 --> 00:00:40,260
And now your host,
Martin Lawrence!
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00:00:40,301 --> 00:00:42,301
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
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00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:02,713
Hey, man, wassup?
How y'all doing?
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00:01:04,325 --> 00:01:05,795
I'd like y'all to give
a round of applause
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00:01:05,848 --> 00:01:07,808
to my man who came out,
this is my ace,
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this is the reason
why I'm here today,
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00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:12,638
my brother Robert.
Please give him a round of applause.
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00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:15,471
I love you, man.[APPLAUSE]
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And my partners,
hanging out. Wassup, y'all? My family, I just...
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[SIGHS] Tell Ma the reason why
I hadn't called her in eight years
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00:01:23,387 --> 00:01:25,647
is that she still
owe me money.[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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When I can get
my shit back, Ma, then I'm coming home.
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00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:30,736
And I love you, Ma.
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We got my man, Serch,
in the house, from 3rd Bass,
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00:01:34,311 --> 00:01:37,621
but he's solo now.
Wassup, man?
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00:01:37,662 --> 00:01:40,842
Thank you
for coming out, man.
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Ghetto-ass white boy, too.
You know that. Fuck that, man.
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Man, if I was white,
I'd be trying to get out of the ghetto, Serch!
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So since you want
to stay in the ghetto, here's the gas face.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:01:58,466 --> 00:02:01,766
Thank you, man,
for coming out, yo.
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00:02:01,817 --> 00:02:04,647
We gonna have a good
little time tonight.
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00:02:04,689 --> 00:02:06,429
Thank y'all
for coming out.
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00:02:06,474 --> 00:02:08,004
Moving on with the show.
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Coming to the stage
from Chicago,
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give it up
for Kenny Howell.
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[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
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I ain't got
but a few minutes. I want to let y'all know
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I'm from the projects
in Chicago, God damn it.
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Where brothers just fuck up
the whole English language.
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Y'all got any brothers here
that just fuck it up?
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See, brothers can't say them
S-T-R words, right?
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They got to make
'em all S-K.
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You know, you be like,
"How's your drink?" "It's kinda skrong."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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"Where you stay?"
"39th Skreet."
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"You aight?"
"Yeah, I'm skraight."
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I trip on them brothers
be trying to say shit and can't get it out,
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and just end up saying,
"Fuck it." You ever see 'em?
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"Man, I had the who...
Now she was gon... I... Fuck that!"
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:07,060
And look,
a nigga's favorite black adjective,
45
00:03:07,099 --> 00:03:11,229
the only black adjective
that motherfuckers use a lot, "Boom."
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00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:14,020
What the fuck is "boom"?
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00:03:15,586 --> 00:03:18,806
White shirt, black tie?
"Boom."
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00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:24,936
These the same motherfuckers
that just get high,
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have nicknames like
"Stay High."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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You know?
These the type of motherfuckers
52
00:03:30,906 --> 00:03:32,076
that drug commercials
remind these motherfuckers
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that they want to get high.
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00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:36,394
You be sitting there with
Stay High, he be damn near asleep, scratchin'.
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00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:37,743
[SNORES]
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Commercial come on and say,
"This is drugs.
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"And this is
your brain on drugs. Any questions?"
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Stay High be talking
about some, "Shit! That's just what I need, too!
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"A fire-ass joint
and an egg sammich."
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:03:59,195 --> 00:04:02,235
Shit. I trip,
there's a lot of pretty ladies in the house.
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00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:04,455
Man, I love
pretty ladies, Jack.
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00:04:04,505 --> 00:04:07,245
But, fellas, you ever trip out
when you meet a woman? You be in the club,
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and everything about her
is beautiful until you get up on her,
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and it's just one thing
you just can't fuckin' take?
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You know, she has
that beautiful face,
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00:04:14,993 --> 00:04:17,563
big ol' titties
like elbows...
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00:04:17,605 --> 00:04:19,735
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:22,091
I got to have elbows,
I don't want that bra to pop off
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and you see them
red-hot water bottles hit that brother.
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Douchebags. [CHUCKLES]
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But she got them
pretty titties, man,
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and nice waistline,
and cuffed ass on her,
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thighs, calves...
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Toes.
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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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Toes look like...knuckles.
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00:04:48,070 --> 00:04:49,850
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
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Toes look like corn chips
and shit, right?
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And that don't be
the fucked-up part.
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The fucked-up part,
she have on sandals in the summer.
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And this be the sandal?
And this be her toes!
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00:05:04,216 --> 00:05:05,866
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:11,957
She be picking up shit.
"Excuse me, sir,
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00:05:12,007 --> 00:05:13,357
"you dropped your
transfer right here."
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But see, ladies, y'all got
a way of getting back at our ass, right?
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00:05:19,623 --> 00:05:23,243
Because when it comes
to sex, a woman can come and keep going,
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and won't let
your ass know!
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00:05:25,673 --> 00:05:27,073
You'll be there
two hours talkin' about,
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00:05:27,109 --> 00:05:28,369
"Man, this bitch
ain't gonna never come."
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She done snuck
a come, homes!
92
00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:33,676
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:05:33,724 --> 00:05:36,994
I done caught 'em.
A woman will sneak a come on your ass in a minute!
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00:05:37,032 --> 00:05:40,042
Women be talking about some,
"Oh, baby. It's your pussy. Fuck me baby, I can't..."
95
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[MOANING]
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00:05:44,126 --> 00:05:45,476
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
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00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:50,306
"You coming, baby?"
"No."
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00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,790
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
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00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:56,750
She just snuck one
on your ass, Jack.
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00:05:56,791 --> 00:05:58,231
And see, men can't
do that shit
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'cause when a brother come,
it's like...
102
00:06:01,709 --> 00:06:03,579
Am I lying, fellas?
It's like a bolt of lightning
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go through your ass
when you fucking.
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00:06:05,408 --> 00:06:07,278
When a nigga come,
it's like lightning, ain't it?
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Nigga be talkin' about,
"This my pussy, jerk it,
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00:06:09,804 --> 00:06:12,684
"jerk it. What's my name?
Say it, say it!"
107
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That lightning hit his ass.
"Say it!" [SPUTTERS]
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00:06:15,026 --> 00:06:17,116
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
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Motherfucker ass get tight
like two fists.
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Nigga ass be so tight,
Moses couldn't part it.
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00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:38,961
Then brother be laying
in the bed
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00:06:39,007 --> 00:06:40,437
after he done bust
that good nut,
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breathing harder
than a motherfucker.
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00:06:42,445 --> 00:06:43,785
Can't even say nothing
to his woman, be talkin' about...
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00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:45,838
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
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And she look over at him
and go, "Uh, did you come?"
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00:07:00,245 --> 00:07:01,505
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
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00:07:01,551 --> 00:07:02,681
"Hell, yeah."
119
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,595
"Oh. Well, I didn't."
120
00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:09,601
"That's fucked up."
121
00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:11,126
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
122
00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:19,482
See, you know
what she want!
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She want your
motherfucking ass
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to give her some head
after that, right?
125
00:07:22,529 --> 00:07:24,269
But see, brothers don't like
giving head
126
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'cause coochie smell
like it just woke up.
127
00:07:28,230 --> 00:07:30,360
No, you know,
with that morning breath?
128
00:07:30,406 --> 00:07:33,666
See, they need to come out
with like a black douche, for black women,
129
00:07:33,714 --> 00:07:36,984
like a watermelon or
chicken-flavored douche.
130
00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:40,241
Chicken-flavored niggas
be eating pussy every night.
131
00:07:40,285 --> 00:07:43,105
I ain't bullshitting.
As a matter of fact, ladies,
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if there was
a chicken douche,
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you can order head
from your man.
134
00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:48,863
He'd be drunk,
ready to go home, "I'ma stop and get some wings."
135
00:07:48,903 --> 00:07:53,213
"Uh-uh, motherfucker.
Chicken flavor!"
136
00:07:53,255 --> 00:07:55,255
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
137
00:08:01,263 --> 00:08:03,923
"You better grab a Pepsi
and a piece of bread, and come on."
138
00:08:06,137 --> 00:08:08,437
Hey, my name's Kenny Howell.
I'm from Chi, y'all been great!
139
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,488
[CHEERING]
140
00:08:17,975 --> 00:08:20,885
Give him another round
of applause, please. Kenny Howell.
141
00:08:23,024 --> 00:08:27,594
I like banana flavor...
Strawberry, you know.
142
00:08:27,637 --> 00:08:30,067
I'm into fruits. Okay?
143
00:08:30,118 --> 00:08:33,948
[CHUCKLES] Y'all,
I'd like to acknowledge Naughty By Nature.
144
00:08:33,991 --> 00:08:36,391
Boys, goddamn.
145
00:08:36,428 --> 00:08:38,338
Treach and partner, wassup?
146
00:08:38,387 --> 00:08:40,127
Y'all some bad
motherfuckers, Joe.
147
00:08:40,171 --> 00:08:43,441
I mean,
no motherfucking joke.
148
00:08:43,479 --> 00:08:46,869
He had them little
Timber boots on, little jail suits, like this.
149
00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:50,618
All right, I'd like
to acknowledge someone.
150
00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:52,180
This is dear to me
and it's not a joke,
151
00:08:52,227 --> 00:08:55,747
but she's one of the top
casting directors,
152
00:08:55,796 --> 00:08:59,276
black casting directors
in the industry.
153
00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:00,841
And she cast me
in my first movie,
154
00:09:00,888 --> 00:09:02,538
so I want to thank you
for coming out, Robi Reed.
155
00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:05,716
[INDISTINCT TALKING]
156
00:09:06,633 --> 00:09:08,373
How you doing, girl?
157
00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:11,807
You know people
are gonna be rolling up, "I act. I do acting."
158
00:09:11,855 --> 00:09:15,205
Don't you get some
weird people in acting? I mean, reading for parts?
159
00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:18,950
Just do one line, brother.
It's hard, isn't it? Really hard.
160
00:09:18,993 --> 00:09:22,783
One line and shit.
Just say, "I love you." People can't do that.
161
00:09:22,823 --> 00:09:24,783
"I... Love... You."
162
00:09:24,825 --> 00:09:26,475
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
163
00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:27,782
"Say the shit with emotion."
164
00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:31,180
"I... Love you."
165
00:09:33,181 --> 00:09:35,181
Coming to the stage,
I know you're going to enjoy him.
166
00:09:35,226 --> 00:09:37,486
He's very funny.
Give it up for J'Vonne Pearson.
167
00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:39,543
[APPLAUSE]
168
00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:48,813
Wassup? New York.
169
00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:52,461
My man Meldrick Taylor
in the house,
170
00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:53,984
give it up for
Meldrick Taylor.
171
00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:56,068
[APPLAUSE]
172
00:09:58,554 --> 00:10:00,084
He's a fast motherfucker,
ain't he?
173
00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:03,863
Man.
174
00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:10,517
Yo. Wassup, nigga?
Who are you?
175
00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,179
I was out
in San Francisco.
176
00:10:14,222 --> 00:10:17,052
Man, do you know that
there's a gay newscast?
177
00:10:17,094 --> 00:10:19,234
A gay newscast.
178
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:21,970
Could you imagine?
I was sitting there stunned, it came on like...
179
00:10:22,012 --> 00:10:24,012
[SCATTING THEME MUSIC]
180
00:10:25,015 --> 00:10:27,055
"Hi!
181
00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:30,854
"I'm your host Cecil
from San Francisco!"
182
00:10:30,891 --> 00:10:31,941
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
183
00:10:33,241 --> 00:10:34,761
"Today someone
was shot in New York.
184
00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:36,548
"Our on-the-spot reporter
Norman from New York,
185
00:10:36,592 --> 00:10:37,642
"Norman, what's going on?"
186
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:38,860
"Hi, Cecil."
187
00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:39,899
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
188
00:10:44,556 --> 00:10:46,516
"He's dead and he ain't
getting up. Back to you."
189
00:10:46,558 --> 00:10:49,208
Okay, now it's time for Cecil
to go into the on-the-spot
190
00:10:49,257 --> 00:10:52,737
audience report.
"Hey, Mr. Big Man!
191
00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:55,702
"Oh, you ain't saying nothin'?
You said a lot last night.
192
00:10:58,092 --> 00:11:00,012
"Tweezer man.
193
00:11:00,050 --> 00:11:02,790
"Hello!
Oh, is that your hair?
194
00:11:02,836 --> 00:11:04,926
"No, it's not.
The receipt is hanging down."
195
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:06,098
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
196
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:08,316
"Where Treach at?
197
00:11:09,756 --> 00:11:13,056
"Hey, Treach!
I'm down with O.P.P."
198
00:11:13,107 --> 00:11:14,457
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
199
00:11:24,945 --> 00:11:26,985
[GASPING]
200
00:11:30,602 --> 00:11:31,912
"I ain't never been
to the ghetto,
201
00:11:31,952 --> 00:11:33,482
"but I'ma come
to the ghetto."
202
00:11:33,518 --> 00:11:34,998
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
203
00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:41,741
Yo, but before
I get out of here,
204
00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:46,268
I'd like to dedicate this
in memory of a friend of mine, Khalil Rountree.
205
00:11:46,314 --> 00:11:47,844
He was manager
of Boyz II Men.
206
00:11:47,881 --> 00:11:51,151
He died and I want him
to rest in peace.
207
00:11:51,188 --> 00:11:54,278
To all my homeboys
down in Philly, 46th Street, I'm out.
208
00:11:54,322 --> 00:11:57,152
Meldrick Taylor, Marquita,
the posse. Peace.
209
00:11:57,194 --> 00:11:59,204
[APPLAUSE]
210
00:12:06,464 --> 00:12:09,124
Give J'Vonne Pearson
another round of applause.
211
00:12:12,209 --> 00:12:14,859
Talented young brothers,
boy, talented.
212
00:12:14,908 --> 00:12:18,958
Man. That was scary, though.
Falling in the ass, and...
213
00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:21,649
You wanted to put your
dick in, didn't you?
214
00:12:21,697 --> 00:12:23,867
I mean, you were like,
"Oh, hey, boy!
215
00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:27,489
"Oh, I'm sorry.
Comedy, comedy."
216
00:12:27,529 --> 00:12:29,659
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
217
00:12:29,705 --> 00:12:31,445
Have a good time,
I know you're going to enjoy.
218
00:12:31,489 --> 00:12:33,489
Give it up
for George Willborn.
219
00:12:33,535 --> 00:12:34,705
[MUSIC PLAYING]
220
00:12:37,017 --> 00:12:38,367
[CHEERING]
221
00:12:45,025 --> 00:12:47,195
Wassup, New York?
222
00:12:47,244 --> 00:12:49,384
Wassup, New York?[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
223
00:12:49,420 --> 00:12:51,420
Shit, don't get
scared now.
224
00:12:51,466 --> 00:12:52,856
A nigga in a black suit.
225
00:12:55,165 --> 00:12:58,255
It ain't blue, baby.
I'm blue.
226
00:12:58,299 --> 00:13:00,429
Let me tell you something
right now.
227
00:13:00,475 --> 00:13:03,825
I'm pissed off still
about a lot of shit.
228
00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:08,000
Number one on my list,
Mike Tyson.
229
00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:10,088
I'm still pissed off
about this, people.
230
00:13:10,137 --> 00:13:14,577
Mike in jail. And why?
Why, ladies?
231
00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:17,412
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
232
00:13:18,754 --> 00:13:21,194
I'm serious, man.
I'm mad about this, man.
233
00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:23,585
3:00 in the morning.
234
00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:26,718
Come over to my house
at 3:00 in the morning.
235
00:13:26,762 --> 00:13:28,292
Come over to my house
at 12:00 noon!
236
00:13:30,592 --> 00:13:32,772
Don't make no damn sense.
237
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:36,422
Then find out...
Then find out that the woman...
238
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:38,377
I don't know
if this is true or not, but they say that
239
00:13:38,426 --> 00:13:40,466
the woman
went in the bathroom
240
00:13:40,515 --> 00:13:42,995
and took off one of them
panty things that the ladies be wearing.
241
00:13:43,039 --> 00:13:47,439
What they called, ladies?
Yeah, panty liner, panty shield.
242
00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:49,698
Bulletproof motherfucking
panties and shit.
243
00:13:49,741 --> 00:13:51,311
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
244
00:13:51,352 --> 00:13:53,222
Went and took
one of these things off.
245
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:55,787
And then, to insult it
even further,
246
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,315
they say that Mike Tyson
gave this woman
247
00:13:58,359 --> 00:14:00,359
twenty minutes worth
of oral sex?
248
00:14:02,754 --> 00:14:06,024
What in the hell
kind of rape was this?
249
00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:11,632
"You better stop!
Stop! Mike! Mike!"
250
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:16,733
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]
251
00:14:24,776 --> 00:14:25,816
"Rape."
252
00:14:28,476 --> 00:14:32,216
I don't think so.
I don't think so.
253
00:14:32,262 --> 00:14:35,532
I think
something else happened in that goddamn room.
254
00:14:35,570 --> 00:14:38,970
I think she was playing
the coochie game up there with Mike.
255
00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:41,788
Talking about,
"You can have it, Mike. No you can't.
256
00:14:43,447 --> 00:14:45,617
"It's your pussy, Mike.
Psych!"
257
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:47,147
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
258
00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:49,800
"Come on, Mike.
Get it! Nope." Mike be like, boom!
259
00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:56,847
"I like it."
260
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,766
Ain't gonna work.
Man, I'm serious, you know.
261
00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:01,200
I tell you,
I been on the road,
262
00:15:01,248 --> 00:15:04,158
I been
doing a lot of stuff, I've been performing
263
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:07,037
and I'm into all different
kind of music.
264
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,600
I'm into music. I'm going
to tell you something.
265
00:15:08,646 --> 00:15:11,126
I like rap music.
Any rap fans in here?
266
00:15:12,389 --> 00:15:15,919
I like rap.
I swear to God I do.
267
00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:18,828
See, I went down south
and I saw the coolest shit
268
00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:21,184
you ever want
to see in your life.
269
00:15:21,224 --> 00:15:23,534
I saw a handicapped
rap group.
270
00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:25,454
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
271
00:15:25,489 --> 00:15:28,319
See, y'all need to cut
that shit out, man.
272
00:15:28,362 --> 00:15:30,672
Just because
I said "handicapped." Now, let me tell you something.
273
00:15:30,712 --> 00:15:32,932
Handicapped people be
the first ones to tell you,
274
00:15:32,975 --> 00:15:34,455
"Don't treat me
any different than you treat
275
00:15:34,498 --> 00:15:36,458
"anyone else in the world.
I'm a person, too."
276
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:38,500
Am I right?
That's right.
277
00:15:38,546 --> 00:15:40,026
So I talk about
they ass, too.
278
00:15:40,069 --> 00:15:41,769
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
279
00:15:41,810 --> 00:15:43,730
In fact, last week, I caught
one of them motherfuckers
280
00:15:43,768 --> 00:15:45,728
parking in our spaces.
281
00:15:45,770 --> 00:15:47,730
I tried to beat
his ass, y'all.
282
00:15:47,772 --> 00:15:50,122
And he got a spot right
up front, motherfucker.
283
00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:51,386
He said,
"All right, all right."
284
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:54,996
My name's George, y'all.
You been great. Good night!
285
00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:57,041
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
286
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:07,397
All right,
coming to the stage...
287
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:08,844
On some of the shows
you guys see,
288
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,840
we bring talent back,
you know.
289
00:16:10,882 --> 00:16:13,452
Brothers that have rocked
the house,
290
00:16:13,494 --> 00:16:15,324
and they're here
to do it again.
291
00:16:15,365 --> 00:16:19,195
So, give it up, you know
he's from New Jersey, pretty motherfucker.
292
00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:20,679
Give it up for Bill Bellamy.
293
00:16:20,718 --> 00:16:22,758
[APPLAUSE]
294
00:16:32,252 --> 00:16:33,862
Wassup, New York?
295
00:16:35,168 --> 00:16:37,818
Wassup, New York?
296
00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:40,826
Let me hear all the fellas
in the house bark in here!
297
00:16:40,869 --> 00:16:42,389
[MEN BARKING]
298
00:16:42,436 --> 00:16:46,046
Aight, aight. Some of you
got a cold, but it's aight.
299
00:16:46,092 --> 00:16:48,362
Let me hear all the ladies
in the house say "hello."
300
00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:49,828
WOMEN: Hello!
301
00:16:49,878 --> 00:16:51,788
Oh, shit, see y'all ain't
sayin' it right.
302
00:16:51,836 --> 00:16:53,926
Y'all should say it
like when your brother take y'all out,
303
00:16:53,969 --> 00:16:56,229
y'all find out
he ain't got no money, you be like, "Hello?"
304
00:16:56,276 --> 00:16:57,796
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
305
00:16:57,842 --> 00:16:59,372
"Look in your
other pocket.
306
00:17:02,108 --> 00:17:04,148
"I swear."
307
00:17:04,197 --> 00:17:06,417
I gotta ask the fellas,
I need the fellas to help me out, right?
308
00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:07,980
This is what
I need to do.
309
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,247
This Mike Tyson case thing
is throwing me off.
310
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:11,770
And I need to know
if the fellas will help me,
311
00:17:11,813 --> 00:17:13,253
if you want to help me
through this case,
312
00:17:13,293 --> 00:17:15,733
I wanna hear all y'all bark.
Help me, fellas.
313
00:17:15,773 --> 00:17:17,253
[MEN BARKING]
314
00:17:17,297 --> 00:17:19,597
Right.
Let's analyze the case.
315
00:17:19,647 --> 00:17:24,087
Mike Tyson calls the honey,
from the hotel room, 2:00 in the morning.
316
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:26,570
Is that or is that not
a booty call, can you help me?
317
00:17:26,610 --> 00:17:28,610
[BARKING AND LAUGHING]
318
00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:35,317
Okay. All right. Right.
Now, women know booty calls.
319
00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:39,882
They're usually late.
320
00:17:39,928 --> 00:17:41,278
Ladies know
when that shit come,
321
00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:42,891
they be laying in bed
like... [SNORING]
322
00:17:42,931 --> 00:17:44,061
[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]
323
00:17:45,107 --> 00:17:46,067
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
324
00:17:47,196 --> 00:17:48,756
"Who calling me?"
325
00:17:50,765 --> 00:17:52,455
She ain't even have to go!
326
00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:54,156
And what do honeys
usually do, fellas,
327
00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:55,773
when they don't want to
give you the booty? What they do?
328
00:17:55,813 --> 00:17:57,903
Always bring that
ugly girlfriend to block.
329
00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:02,298
Right? I mean,
what does she expect from Mike Tyson,
330
00:18:02,342 --> 00:18:03,472
he call her up
from the hotel room...
331
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:04,647
[IMITATES PHONE RINGING]
332
00:18:04,692 --> 00:18:06,522
[FEMININE VOICE] "Hello?"
333
00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:07,483
[IMITATES MIKE TYSON]
"Hi, it's Mike. How you doing?"
334
00:18:07,521 --> 00:18:09,611
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
335
00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:12,443
"Yeah, I saw you
earlier today. I swear, you're beautiful, I swear.
336
00:18:12,482 --> 00:18:14,312
"Why don't you come to my
hotel room, play Scrabble.
337
00:18:14,354 --> 00:18:15,834
"I swear,
we'll just play Scrabble."
338
00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:18,184
Give me a break!
339
00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:22,007
Every brother in here
done made a booty call.
340
00:18:22,057 --> 00:18:25,627
How many times
you been in the crib on a Friday night, chillin'...
341
00:18:25,669 --> 00:18:27,539
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
342
00:18:27,584 --> 00:18:30,764
Saying to yourself,
"Damn. Who can I call?"
343
00:18:31,936 --> 00:18:33,326
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
344
00:18:34,809 --> 00:18:36,199
[MEN BARKING]
345
00:18:37,072 --> 00:18:38,902
Man...
346
00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:40,383
You go to your Rolodex.
347
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:44,596
[IMITATES ROLODEX SPINNING]
348
00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:46,075
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
349
00:18:50,999 --> 00:18:54,699
"Vanessa. Too many kids."
350
00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:56,222
[IMITATES ROLODEX SPINNING]
351
00:18:58,876 --> 00:19:01,436
"Stacy." [CLICKS TONGUE]
"Damn, owe her money."
352
00:19:02,576 --> 00:19:04,136
[IMITATES ROLODEX SPINNING]
353
00:19:05,709 --> 00:19:07,359
"Kim.
354
00:19:07,407 --> 00:19:10,497
"Yeah. I ain't called Kim
in a long time.
355
00:19:12,586 --> 00:19:14,196
"Like bet, let me call Kim."
356
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,550
[IMITATES PHONE DIALING]
Be praying she home, too.
357
00:19:16,590 --> 00:19:18,030
[IMITATES LINE RINGING]
358
00:19:21,247 --> 00:19:23,157
"Pick this motherfucker up."
359
00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:24,205
[FEMININE VOICE] "Hello?"
360
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:25,290
[NORMAL VOICE] "Yes!"
361
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:30,259
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "Wassup!"
362
00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:32,389
[NORMAL VOICE] "Wassup, Kim,
how you doing?"
363
00:19:32,432 --> 00:19:35,042
"I'm all right."
"Yo, I was, you know,
364
00:19:35,086 --> 00:19:38,216
"just thinking about you
a little bit, you know. Um, what you doing?"
365
00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:39,274
[CLICKS TONGUE] "Nothing."
366
00:19:40,701 --> 00:19:42,921
[EXHALES] "I'm kinda tired.
367
00:19:42,964 --> 00:19:46,404
"You know, I went shopping
today. I am so tired. I'm already in the bed."
368
00:19:46,446 --> 00:19:50,276
"Hey! Oh, shit!
369
00:19:51,015 --> 00:19:52,275
"Ooh!
370
00:19:52,321 --> 00:19:54,021
"You in the bed?
Aight, check it out.
371
00:19:54,062 --> 00:19:57,112
"Why don't you come by?
Why don't you come by?
372
00:19:57,152 --> 00:19:58,682
"Come on, for real.
Why don't you just slide on by?
373
00:19:58,719 --> 00:20:00,239
"Maybe we could like,
make a movie...
374
00:20:00,286 --> 00:20:02,196
"I mean, watch a movie
or some shit like that."
375
00:20:02,244 --> 00:20:04,074
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
376
00:20:04,115 --> 00:20:08,415
"I am so tired. I mean,
I don't know if I could come out tonight."
377
00:20:08,468 --> 00:20:11,558
"Yo, come on. How long
could it take you to get over here?"
378
00:20:11,601 --> 00:20:13,471
"Five minutes, I guess.
I don't know."
379
00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:14,516
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
380
00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:19,219
"Just let me throw
something on, okay? I'm coming, all right?"
381
00:20:19,261 --> 00:20:22,261
"Don't play,
are you coming?
382
00:20:22,308 --> 00:20:24,308
"Don't fuck around,
I'm serious. You coming, though, right?"
383
00:20:27,835 --> 00:20:29,575
"Yes, I'm coming."
"All right, all right.
384
00:20:29,619 --> 00:20:30,839
"I'll see you
in a few minutes, aight? You coming?
385
00:20:30,881 --> 00:20:32,271
"I'll see you
in a few minutes."
386
00:20:32,318 --> 00:20:34,618
Go to the shower.
"Whoo!
387
00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:37,278
"Whoo!"[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
388
00:20:37,323 --> 00:20:42,073
Walk by the mirror.
"I'm in the house!
389
00:20:44,025 --> 00:20:48,195
"Aw, shit!
My booty on the way!"
390
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,897
Every time a car
roll by the window, you hit the shade.
391
00:20:50,945 --> 00:20:55,165
"Where's the booty?
Oh, shit!
392
00:20:55,210 --> 00:20:59,870
"Where is my booty?
I know my booty's on the way!
393
00:21:01,608 --> 00:21:03,648
"Shit." Ten minutes later,
doorbell ring.
394
00:21:03,697 --> 00:21:05,307
[IMITATES DOORBELL RINGING]
395
00:21:05,351 --> 00:21:08,311
You like, "Hey!"
396
00:21:09,572 --> 00:21:10,832
Roll to the door.
397
00:21:14,403 --> 00:21:15,713
"Wassup, Kim?
398
00:21:16,971 --> 00:21:18,231
"Why you bring your girl?"
399
00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:19,537
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
400
00:21:23,369 --> 00:21:24,459
"That's fucked up."
401
00:21:28,461 --> 00:21:30,551
"Well, she was up, and I
ain't know, you know...
402
00:21:33,553 --> 00:21:36,343
"She was just up and I didn't
want to come by myself."
403
00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:39,732
And the ugly girlfriend
always got something to say, don't she, right?
404
00:21:39,776 --> 00:21:41,386
[DEEP VOICE]
"How long y'all gonna be?"
405
00:21:41,430 --> 00:21:42,820
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
406
00:21:49,003 --> 00:21:52,403
"Go sit your ass in the car
and shut up."
407
00:21:52,441 --> 00:21:54,401
Seriously, man.
Sex make you do crazy...
408
00:21:54,443 --> 00:21:56,013
And I'll
tell you this, right?
409
00:21:56,053 --> 00:21:58,583
Everybody here remembers
the best sex they had.
410
00:21:58,621 --> 00:22:01,021
You will never forget
the best shit you had.
411
00:22:01,058 --> 00:22:03,538
You know
what I'm talking about.
412
00:22:03,583 --> 00:22:05,503
How many times have you been
driving and shit, right?
413
00:22:05,541 --> 00:22:08,761
You be driving
and all of a sudden you're like, "Oh, shit."
414
00:22:08,805 --> 00:22:09,935
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
415
00:22:12,243 --> 00:22:13,723
[MEN BARKING]
416
00:22:19,773 --> 00:22:22,783
"She gonna get a booty
call tonight!"
417
00:22:22,819 --> 00:22:24,999
My name is Bill Bellamy.
It's been real, y'all!
418
00:22:25,039 --> 00:22:26,689
[CHEERING]
419
00:22:36,267 --> 00:22:38,307
Bill Bellamy.
Give him a round of applause.
420
00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:40,357
[CHEERING]
421
00:22:44,058 --> 00:22:49,848
Okay, you have made this
a wonderful occasion.
422
00:22:49,890 --> 00:22:53,370
Let's bring out my man,
Russell Simmons.
423
00:22:57,245 --> 00:22:58,375
God bless you.
Good night.
424
00:22:58,420 --> 00:22:59,640
We'll see you next week.
425
00:22:59,690 --> 00:23:04,240
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