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1
00:00:06,876 --> 00:00:09,006
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:10,445 --> 00:00:13,225
KID CAPRI: It's the Russell
SimmonsDef Comedy Jam!
3
00:00:33,859 --> 00:00:38,649
And now, your host,
Martin Lawrence.
4
00:00:39,517 --> 00:00:41,037
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
5
00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:56,189
Give my man a round
of applause, Kid Capri.
6
00:00:56,230 --> 00:00:57,620
[APPLAUSE]
7
00:01:02,323 --> 00:01:06,763
How you doin'? Pepper Johnson
and the New York giants here. Give them a round of applause.
8
00:01:09,504 --> 00:01:10,814
MARTIN: Why you tryin'...
9
00:01:10,853 --> 00:01:12,163
Your boy trying to be
cool on there.
10
00:01:12,202 --> 00:01:13,422
What's his name?
I don't know it.
11
00:01:13,464 --> 00:01:14,994
The motherfucker always
got on a helmet.
12
00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:18,861
You! The one with the loud-ass
flower shirt on.
13
00:01:18,904 --> 00:01:22,084
Well, fuck it. All y'all got
on some loud shit, though.
14
00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:24,385
But ain't nobody
gonna tell ya,
15
00:01:24,432 --> 00:01:27,612
but me, 'cause I got
the mic and I got security and I could get out the door.
16
00:01:30,481 --> 00:01:32,141
How you doin',
Mr. White Man? How you doin'?
17
00:01:34,137 --> 00:01:37,577
Just wanted to come over,
say hello to you.
18
00:01:37,619 --> 00:01:39,189
Wanted to see how
you were doin', you know.
19
00:01:40,839 --> 00:01:42,149
How you feel?
20
00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:43,149
Feeling good?
21
00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:46,107
Is this your chick?
22
00:01:47,194 --> 00:01:48,464
MARTIN: That's your chick?
23
00:01:50,022 --> 00:01:51,722
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
24
00:02:00,511 --> 00:02:02,081
You bad now, ain't you?
25
00:02:05,864 --> 00:02:08,044
Fuck, I'm nailin' her,
you know.
26
00:02:08,084 --> 00:02:09,654
Fuckin' well it out!
27
00:02:11,479 --> 00:02:12,569
Fuckin' wellin' it, man.
28
00:02:14,656 --> 00:02:15,736
Welcome to the show.
29
00:02:19,922 --> 00:02:21,842
Hey, we just gonna
do this thing, you know.
30
00:02:22,794 --> 00:02:23,804
God damn.
31
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:27,097
I didn't see
this motherfucker.
32
00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:30,893
How you doin'?
33
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:37,370
These motherfuckers look
like the broke Milli Vanilli, don't they?
34
00:02:45,643 --> 00:02:47,083
[CHUCKLES]
35
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,781
Welcome to the show,
Milli Vanilli.
36
00:02:52,824 --> 00:02:54,044
Give them a round
of applause, please.
37
00:02:57,829 --> 00:02:59,699
We're gonna try
to buy the album
38
00:02:59,744 --> 00:03:02,534
if you sing on
the motherfuckin' next album, okay?
39
00:03:02,573 --> 00:03:06,273
So look, you guys,
we want to thank you for coming to join us again.
40
00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:09,666
Have fun, 'cause the brothers
coming out here are workin' very hard for you.
41
00:03:09,711 --> 00:03:12,631
Let's have a great time.
I know you gonna enjoy it.
42
00:03:12,670 --> 00:03:13,800
So movin' on,
43
00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:16,145
come, my man
from Chicago, Illinois.
44
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,496
He's gonna come out
and kick it for you.
45
00:03:17,545 --> 00:03:19,625
Give it up for my man,
Chriss Charles.
46
00:03:19,677 --> 00:03:20,677
[MUSIC PLAYING]
47
00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:30,557
[MUSIC STOPS]
48
00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:33,081
How y'all doin'?
49
00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:34,645
Give me an "Aw, yeah!"
50
00:03:34,692 --> 00:03:35,782
AUDINCE: Aw, yeah!
51
00:03:35,824 --> 00:03:37,174
That ain't loud enough,
New York.
52
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,257
I heard y'all some
loud motherfuckers.
53
00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:39,695
Give me an, "Aw, yeah!"
54
00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,001
AUDIENCE: Aw, yeah!
55
00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:43,086
All the white people
in the house,
56
00:03:43,135 --> 00:03:44,915
this is a black show,
and you got all these white motherfuckers up in here.
57
00:03:44,963 --> 00:03:46,013
I don't want to
leave y'all out.
58
00:03:46,051 --> 00:03:47,231
Give me a "Yee-haw!"
59
00:03:49,316 --> 00:03:52,536
Come on, white people,
give me a "Yee-haw!"
60
00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:54,540
White lady up in the balcony,
give me a motherfuckin'...
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00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:55,892
I'll come there and get
your motherfuckin' ass.
62
00:03:55,931 --> 00:03:58,371
Give me a, "Yee-haw!"
63
00:03:58,412 --> 00:04:00,592
There's a white man
down there.
64
00:04:00,631 --> 00:04:02,111
Where's the motherfucker at
that Martin was messin' with? Where he at?
65
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,585
And he's with a sister, too.
66
00:04:06,637 --> 00:04:09,157
Ain't that a
motherfuckin' bitch!
67
00:04:09,205 --> 00:04:12,025
That's okay, man.
You know, brothers be datin' white girls.
68
00:04:12,077 --> 00:04:13,857
You know what they say,
goose, goose, guinea, guinea,
69
00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:15,425
white girl pussy, good as any.
So, fuck it.
70
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:22,089
I just feel uncomfortable
sometimes performing in front of white people
71
00:04:22,131 --> 00:04:24,741
because I'm black and
I slip up and say the word "nigga" every now and then.
72
00:04:24,786 --> 00:04:27,526
It don't make me feel
uncomfortable no more because I looked the word up.
73
00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:29,751
And nigger means,
in reality, "lazy person".
74
00:04:29,791 --> 00:04:31,841
And when you go back
four or five hundred years,
75
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,840
you think about this shit
and you say,
76
00:04:33,882 --> 00:04:35,712
"Well, who went and
got who to do whose motherfuckin' work?"
77
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:48,463
So all you motherfuckers out
there in cable land, how you niggas doin'?
78
00:04:48,505 --> 00:04:50,985
'Cause I'm gonna talk
some motherfuckin' shit. I'm pissed off.
79
00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:54,509
In fact, I'm mad
as motherfuckin' hell over that Rodney King shit.
80
00:04:54,555 --> 00:04:56,765
Over the Mike Tyson shit.
81
00:04:56,818 --> 00:04:59,338
Let's talk, in fact, all the
brothers in the house say, "I'm mad as hell."
82
00:04:59,386 --> 00:05:01,126
AUDIENCE: I'm mad as hell.
83
00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:03,130
Say, "I ain't gonna take this
shit no motherfuckin' more."
84
00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:04,782
AUDIENCE: I ain't gonna
take this shit no motherfuckin' more.
85
00:05:04,826 --> 00:05:05,866
That's, let's...
86
00:05:05,914 --> 00:05:07,354
I'm gonna skip over Rodney.
87
00:05:07,394 --> 00:05:09,054
You know that was
foul about Rodney King.
88
00:05:09,091 --> 00:05:11,181
That's why I wear this button.
Fuck the police.
89
00:05:11,223 --> 00:05:12,573
Fuck them motherfuckers, man.
90
00:05:12,616 --> 00:05:15,176
You know, they do.
91
00:05:15,227 --> 00:05:17,137
They arrest you
for some bullshit,
92
00:05:17,186 --> 00:05:19,576
like Mike Tyson
shouldn't have went to jail for that shit.
93
00:05:19,623 --> 00:05:22,153
He didn't rape that girl.
How many of y'all think that Mike Tyson raped that girl?
94
00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:23,451
No, no, no.
95
00:05:23,497 --> 00:05:24,977
She could have
got him off her.
96
00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:27,070
She could have hollered
"ding, ding"
97
00:05:27,109 --> 00:05:28,369
and the motherfucker
would have ran in the corner somewhere, man.
98
00:05:33,463 --> 00:05:37,903
He'd have been pissed.
"I never get to fight. I never get no pussy!"
99
00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:40,206
He didn't do that
motherfuckin' shit, man.
100
00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:42,342
'Cause that how come
I don't take no women out no motherfuckin' more, man.
101
00:05:42,385 --> 00:05:44,385
The last time I took
a girl out, man,
102
00:05:44,431 --> 00:05:46,651
I was down here.
I took a girl to a nice, expensive restaurant.
103
00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:47,784
Sizzler.
104
00:05:51,307 --> 00:05:53,827
That motherfucker's
expensive to my ass, man.
105
00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:56,615
Man, women always want to go
out and eat the most expensive shit on the motherfuckin menu.
106
00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:57,660
Jumbo shrimps.
107
00:05:57,705 --> 00:05:59,875
See, look at them.
108
00:05:59,924 --> 00:06:02,014
Clappin' like you ain't
never had seafood in your motherfuckin' life.
109
00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:04,927
I don't mind buying some
jumbo shrimp if I'm gonna get some pussy.
110
00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:06,323
"Hey, are we fuckin' tonight?"
"No."
111
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:07,536
"Bring her some
fish sticks, please."
112
00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:17,991
'Cause you go over a woman's
house, man, and... Check this out.
113
00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:20,509
Women know black mothers
will be talkin' to these sisters.
114
00:06:20,554 --> 00:06:22,384
They don't give 'em no leg.
115
00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:23,465
And if a woman say
she ain't gonna give you no pussy,
116
00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:24,563
she mean that shit.
117
00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:26,261
They know how to get in bed,
118
00:06:26,298 --> 00:06:29,688
they know how to
lock them motherfuckin' knees together.
119
00:06:29,737 --> 00:06:33,127
They cross them arms.
Look like a mummy in the motherfuckin' bed, man.
120
00:06:33,175 --> 00:06:34,735
You can't get through to them.
121
00:06:34,785 --> 00:06:36,695
You could get a jackhammer.
[IMITATING JACKHAMMER]
122
00:06:36,744 --> 00:06:39,444
You could put
dynamite between... [IMITATING EXPLOSION]
123
00:06:39,486 --> 00:06:41,396
You can have passwords,
"Open Sesame."
124
00:06:41,444 --> 00:06:44,364
And they'll be, "Not by the
hair of my chinny-chin-chin."
125
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,064
They always wanna lay
in bed and talk.
126
00:06:46,101 --> 00:06:47,801
What the fuck are we
gonna talk about?
127
00:06:47,842 --> 00:06:49,232
We already lay there like this
shit don't bother us, man.
128
00:06:54,370 --> 00:06:56,110
I shouldn't do this,
'cause all the white people be thinking
129
00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:58,294
our shit is hung
like this for real.
130
00:06:58,330 --> 00:07:00,330
You know, nigger wish
his dick was this big, man.
131
00:07:00,376 --> 00:07:03,986
If you had a dick this big,
you would get no motherfuckin' pussy.
132
00:07:04,032 --> 00:07:07,782
If you came out the room,
"Ready baby? Haha!"
133
00:07:07,818 --> 00:07:10,298
Women would be, "Ah!
You hurt my pussy. No."
134
00:07:15,260 --> 00:07:16,440
Give me an, "Aw, yeah!"
135
00:07:16,479 --> 00:07:17,869
AUDIENCE: Aw, yeah!
136
00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:19,785
You can't do shit with a dick
this big
137
00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:21,960
except hang a string
on that motherfucker and go fishing.
138
00:07:24,618 --> 00:07:25,918
You'd be out on
the bus stop and shit.
139
00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:27,927
You couldn't do nothing.
140
00:07:27,969 --> 00:07:29,799
You couldn't drive
with no dick in the windshield like this.
141
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:31,410
You couldn't even walk
down the street.
142
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:35,061
You'd look like a
blind man walking down the...
143
00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:38,016
You couldn't do nothing
with a dick like this except be a superhero.
144
00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:39,716
It would be the adventures
of Robo Dick.
145
00:07:39,763 --> 00:07:41,293
You there, white man.
146
00:07:41,330 --> 00:07:43,160
Say, "Aw, yeah!"
or I'll shoot. Say it.
147
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:56,389
Look at them fags
in the back of the room, "Me next. Do me!"
148
00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:02,995
One thing I will say about
white people that's cool,
149
00:08:03,047 --> 00:08:04,307
y'all got some
good-ass weed.
150
00:08:04,353 --> 00:08:06,143
I gotta give
you some of that...
151
00:08:06,181 --> 00:08:07,181
Yeah, uh-huh. You late.
152
00:08:09,663 --> 00:08:11,193
I don't feel sorry for
them motherfuckers.
153
00:08:11,229 --> 00:08:12,709
They got enough shit
going for them,
154
00:08:12,753 --> 00:08:14,583
but y'all do smoke
some good-ass herb.
155
00:08:14,624 --> 00:08:16,674
I don't know why they don't
legalize marijuana, man.
156
00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:18,983
Drink alcohol is worse than...
It is.
157
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:21,810
You try to drink and drive,
you can't do that shit.
158
00:08:21,849 --> 00:08:23,329
They got these
DUI cops out there.
159
00:08:23,372 --> 00:08:24,332
That motherfucker arrested
me the other day.
160
00:08:24,373 --> 00:08:26,423
He said I was drunk driving.
161
00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:28,332
How the fuck else am I gonna
get home if I don't drink and drive?
162
00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:31,337
You know? You crash into shit
when you drinking and driving.
163
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:33,250
You smoke a joint, you ain't
gonna crash into nothing.
164
00:08:33,295 --> 00:08:35,775
Many days I done smoked a
joint and left the club, man.
165
00:08:35,819 --> 00:08:38,689
I ain't hit nothing because
I'm sitting at the stop sign waiting for it to turn green.
166
00:08:45,002 --> 00:08:47,312
Motherfuckers are blowin'.
"Why don't you run that motherfucker?"
167
00:08:47,352 --> 00:08:49,532
"No, Jack."
168
00:08:49,572 --> 00:08:50,972
You know, fuck the
government, man.
169
00:08:51,008 --> 00:08:52,438
They want me to pay...
170
00:08:52,488 --> 00:08:54,578
Fuckers bothering me
about my student loan.
171
00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:56,971
I ain't gonna pay the
motherfuckin' student loan. I ain't graduate.
172
00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:06,716
One thing I gotta say before
I go, y'all, brothers,
173
00:09:06,763 --> 00:09:08,643
I like to be positive.
I like to strong,
174
00:09:08,678 --> 00:09:10,248
I'm into the black thing,
supporting black businesses.
175
00:09:10,288 --> 00:09:11,858
You know, they're trying to
suppress us.
176
00:09:11,899 --> 00:09:13,729
We can't have own.
177
00:09:13,770 --> 00:09:15,160
You know, we have
the white people, not all of y'all,
178
00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:17,596
but some of y'all got
the Ku Klux Klan.
179
00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:19,564
Not that you want to start
no shit, but just in case we move in your neighborhood,
180
00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:21,652
you can move us
right the fuck on out, you know?
181
00:09:21,691 --> 00:09:23,741
Government got
the National Guard.
182
00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:25,830
You know, not that they want
to start nothing, but just in case.
183
00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,919
Why can't black people have
our little thing like,
184
00:09:27,958 --> 00:09:29,788
the Black Panthers?
You know what I'm sayin'.
185
00:09:29,830 --> 00:09:32,010
Not that we wanna
start no shit
186
00:09:32,049 --> 00:09:33,959
but just in case.
187
00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:35,528
Give me an "Aw, yeah!"
188
00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:39,006
My name is Chriss Charles.
189
00:09:39,056 --> 00:09:40,096
[MUSIC PLAYING]
190
00:09:49,327 --> 00:09:52,587
All right. We gonna keep
this show rollin' because the energy is happening.
191
00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:57,025
Yo, coming to the stage
from Atlanta, Georgia,
192
00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:59,864
I know you're going
to enjoy him, so, give it up for Ken Cox.
193
00:10:00,948 --> 00:10:01,988
[MUSIC PLAYING]
194
00:10:08,129 --> 00:10:09,429
Thank you.
195
00:10:10,784 --> 00:10:12,744
I'm from Dallas, Texas.
196
00:10:12,786 --> 00:10:15,216
He said Atlanta
but I'm from Dallas. How you doin', New York?
197
00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:20,355
I love traveling, man.
198
00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:22,622
I love traveling because
I get to meet a lot of people.
199
00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:24,835
Especially women, you know,
I'm a ladies' man.
200
00:10:25,973 --> 00:10:27,763
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
201
00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:30,331
That's right, and you know...
202
00:10:30,368 --> 00:10:31,498
You know, being handsome...
203
00:10:33,154 --> 00:10:34,814
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
204
00:10:42,816 --> 00:10:44,636
And very sexy...
205
00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:47,467
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
206
00:10:47,516 --> 00:10:51,346
Guys always ask me,
"How do you make a woman run after you?"
207
00:10:51,389 --> 00:10:53,169
I tell them,
"Snatch her purse."
208
00:10:57,265 --> 00:10:58,915
That's what I do.
209
00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:01,227
'Cause I'm a ladies' man.
210
00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:05,670
That's right and
I'm not prejudiced.
211
00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:08,968
You know, I like dating
ugly women, too, man.
212
00:11:09,016 --> 00:11:12,186
'Cause pretty women make
love like ladies, right?
213
00:11:12,236 --> 00:11:14,326
Right?
214
00:11:14,369 --> 00:11:16,849
Right? They make love
like ladies, man.
215
00:11:16,893 --> 00:11:18,333
They be going...
[MOANING]
216
00:11:21,768 --> 00:11:22,988
[GASPS]
217
00:11:23,030 --> 00:11:24,770
[MOANING]
218
00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:29,649
"Killer..." [GASPING]
219
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:33,689
Man, but them ugly women say,
"Oh, yeah!
220
00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:36,350
"Come on, hit it, Daddy.
221
00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:40,440
"Act like I owe you
some money."
222
00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:42,570
[MOANS]
223
00:11:46,575 --> 00:11:49,795
I'm 36 years old.
Even today I cry loud.
224
00:11:49,839 --> 00:11:52,669
Like the first time I found
out my wife had a boyfriend?
225
00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:58,241
I cried louder than
anybody at the funeral.
226
00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:10,686
Yeah.
227
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,860
I hear a lot of women say
men are dogs because we run the street a lot.
228
00:12:12,906 --> 00:12:14,206
You ever hear that?
229
00:12:14,255 --> 00:12:16,645
"Men are just dogs."
230
00:12:16,692 --> 00:12:19,612
Well, I'm going to tell y'all,
there's some kitty cats running them streets, too.
231
00:12:22,263 --> 00:12:26,403
You ever notice how a cat
will rub up against your leg when it wants something?
232
00:12:26,441 --> 00:12:27,571
[MEOWS]
233
00:12:28,356 --> 00:12:30,046
Women do that.
234
00:12:30,097 --> 00:12:32,797
Like if they want a diamond
ring for their birthday?
235
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:33,929
[MEOWS]
236
00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:38,186
That'll be one
diamond ring coming up.
237
00:12:38,235 --> 00:12:42,665
You know, 'cause some women
say, "Girl, what did you have to do to get this?
238
00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:45,808
"My husband would never
buy me anything like that."
239
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:47,812
She say, "Girl, yes he will.
240
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:49,904
"Your husband bought this."
241
00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:04,389
And I don't know,
I guess by me being such a handsome guy,
242
00:13:04,435 --> 00:13:05,475
I get a lot of...[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
243
00:13:09,876 --> 00:13:13,916
I get a lot of women asking me
if black guys do oral sex.
244
00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:17,927
I tell them that's where rap
music comes from.
245
00:13:17,971 --> 00:13:19,621
Brother tried it one night.
He didn't like it.
246
00:13:19,668 --> 00:13:21,408
He said... [BEATBOXING]
247
00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,421
My name's Ken Cox. Thank you.
248
00:13:33,464 --> 00:13:34,514
[MUSIC PLAYING]
249
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:44,480
Yo, give a round
of applause.
250
00:13:44,519 --> 00:13:46,129
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
251
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:48,183
That was deep.
252
00:13:54,181 --> 00:13:56,181
Hey.[THUMPING]
253
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,616
Stop, boy.
254
00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:05,147
Okie doke.
255
00:14:05,192 --> 00:14:06,192
Okie doke.
256
00:14:07,890 --> 00:14:09,280
Movin' on.
257
00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:11,146
Movin' on.
258
00:14:11,198 --> 00:14:13,848
Give it up for my man,
Buddy Lewis.
259
00:14:13,896 --> 00:14:14,846
[MUSIC PLAYING]
260
00:14:21,817 --> 00:14:25,647
Hey, man. Turn that corny-ass
shit off for me.
261
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:28,170
Motherfucker come out
with little corny-ass music.
262
00:14:28,215 --> 00:14:29,645
What's up?
263
00:14:29,694 --> 00:14:32,744
It's Ice Cube's cousin,
Rubik's Cube.
264
00:14:35,570 --> 00:14:36,880
[CHUCKLING]
265
00:14:38,529 --> 00:14:41,449
Man, my flight
out here was wild!
266
00:14:41,489 --> 00:14:43,099
Have you ever
been on a plane
267
00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:45,623
and been sitting next to
a crazy cuckoo motherfucker,
268
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:48,707
and you can't move
'cause the flight is full?
269
00:14:48,757 --> 00:14:51,717
I was sitting next to this
brother, he on the plane, he just...
270
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,240
[CHEEPING]
271
00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:02,344
I'm like, "God damn.
That's fucked up. This motherfucker's crazy!"
272
00:15:02,379 --> 00:15:04,859
And you can't move, right,
'cause you scared of this motherfucker
273
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:08,824
'cause you know he gonna be
the first one to see some fucked-up shit with the plane.
274
00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:10,614
He gonna talk about
[CHEEPING]
275
00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:13,868
"Plane's goin' down!
Goin' down!"
276
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:15,960
"It's a fire, it's a fire."
277
00:15:17,090 --> 00:15:18,530
But I thought about this shit.
278
00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:20,529
You can use this crazy
cuckoo shit, though.
279
00:15:20,571 --> 00:15:22,141
Like when you on the train
280
00:15:22,182 --> 00:15:24,272
and you wanna keep a seat
on a crowded sub,
281
00:15:24,314 --> 00:15:26,534
just use that shit.
[CHEEPING]
282
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:32,058
[SHRIEKING]
283
00:15:32,105 --> 00:15:33,755
But you gotta watch that
shit in New York,
284
00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:35,852
'cause you might
get a motherfucker crazier than your ass
285
00:15:35,891 --> 00:15:37,331
trying to talk to you.
[SCREAMING]
286
00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:44,419
No, no, no, man.
You go on ahead and have that seat.
287
00:15:44,465 --> 00:15:47,075
My stop's coming up
like a motherfucker. Excuse me.
288
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,600
[CHUCKLING]
289
00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:50,603
It's crazy, man.
290
00:15:50,645 --> 00:15:52,945
And you see this
kind of crazy shit on TV.
291
00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:54,425
It's true man, you see
crazy shit on TV.
292
00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:55,605
Have you ever seen this?
293
00:15:55,650 --> 00:15:57,870
Stupid-ass commercials
you see on TV.
294
00:15:57,913 --> 00:16:02,053
Can somebody tell me why
that damn silly rabbit ain't never got no cereal?
295
00:16:02,091 --> 00:16:05,011
I just wish one damn morning,
I could have been the silly rabbit.
296
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:08,971
'Cause all that damn rabbit
wanted was one bowl of cereal.
297
00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:10,881
Not a box. Not a case.
298
00:16:10,926 --> 00:16:12,746
One goddamn bowl.
299
00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:16,628
I prayed I could be
the rabbit just one morning.
300
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:18,891
Little kids running around
talkin' about, "Hey, rabbit.
301
00:16:20,153 --> 00:16:21,683
"You know the rules."
302
00:16:24,157 --> 00:16:25,717
"No. Not this
goddamn morning."
303
00:16:26,507 --> 00:16:28,937
[CACKLING]
304
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,818
Yeah, you thought the silly
rabbit was gonna be silly every motherfucking morning,
305
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:33,040
didn't you?
306
00:16:33,079 --> 00:16:34,299
Put my cereal back
on the table!
307
00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:36,041
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
308
00:16:37,822 --> 00:16:39,302
Oh, yeah.
309
00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:41,036
I'm the cereal killer
up in this motherfucker.
310
00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:42,177
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
311
00:16:45,613 --> 00:16:47,053
Shit.
312
00:16:47,093 --> 00:16:50,663
All kinds of crazy shit
you see on TV.
313
00:16:50,705 --> 00:16:52,485
Have you all seen this, man?
314
00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:54,273
Now, for y'all that don't know
what that shit is,
315
00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:57,447
this is a sport that
white folks invented.
316
00:16:57,494 --> 00:17:01,804
'Cause you know, brother...
This is why they tie a rubber band in your ass.
317
00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:05,546
And throw you off
the highest cliff, bridge, whatever they got.
318
00:17:05,589 --> 00:17:08,329
Brothers was bungee
jumping in 1865.
319
00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:09,805
Used to call that
shit "lynching".
320
00:17:09,854 --> 00:17:11,124
We ain't doin' no goddamn
bungee jumping.
321
00:17:13,554 --> 00:17:16,344
But you know, I'm the kind
of fool that would try some shit like that,
322
00:17:16,383 --> 00:17:19,343
get some fucked-up
luck and get a brother,
323
00:17:19,386 --> 00:17:20,906
like, who done
no measurements.
324
00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:26,002
You'd be jumping off,
like, a 250 foot cliff.
325
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,525
Give you, like,
253 feet of bungee
326
00:17:28,569 --> 00:17:29,919
be slamming your ass
on that concrete.
327
00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:33,097
And you'd be
up at the top.
328
00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:34,139
'Cause you know white
people will convince your ass to do it.
329
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:37,843
"Hey, boy! It's like flying!"
330
00:17:41,582 --> 00:17:43,322
And you be up there
talking about,
331
00:17:43,366 --> 00:17:45,626
"All right now, man.
You measured everything, right?
332
00:17:45,673 --> 00:17:48,983
"Now, you said right when I
get to the edge, I'm gonna snap back, right?
333
00:17:49,024 --> 00:17:50,074
"Right before I hit
the concrete, right?"
334
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,590
"Yeah, man. Go ahead."
335
00:17:55,770 --> 00:17:57,210
[SIGHS]
336
00:17:57,250 --> 00:17:59,080
"Geronimo like a
motherfucker."
337
00:18:02,994 --> 00:18:05,044
[IMITATING WIND BLOWING]
338
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,044
"Hey, this is like flyin'."
339
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,086
[IMITATES WIND BLOWING]
340
00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:09,090
[IMITATES THUD]
341
00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:13,311
[IMITATING CRASHING]
342
00:18:21,665 --> 00:18:22,875
[YELPS]
343
00:18:28,019 --> 00:18:30,759
Motherfuckers come
scrapin' your ass off with a big-ass spatula.
344
00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:31,935
I don't think so.
345
00:18:34,069 --> 00:18:36,379
Hey y'all, but I did see
one thing that just fucked me up, y'all.
346
00:18:36,419 --> 00:18:38,159
The other day I saw a movie
that just tripped out.
347
00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:40,734
Y'all seen Glory
with Denzel Washington? Have you seen it?
348
00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:43,171
Best movie
in the world, y'all. Best movie.
349
00:18:43,209 --> 00:18:44,949
'Cause there was
a part in this scene
350
00:18:44,993 --> 00:18:47,173
where Denzel Washington made
me proud to be a black man.
351
00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:49,693
You know the part where he
got his ass kicked for going to get some shoes?
352
00:18:49,737 --> 00:18:51,997
He took this ass-whoopin'
like a man, y'all.
353
00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:53,443
They said, "Denzel,
354
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:54,740
"You ran off, got them shoes.
355
00:18:54,785 --> 00:18:56,045
"You got to get
your ass beaten."
356
00:18:56,091 --> 00:18:57,091
Denzel went, "Let's go."
357
00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,267
Pow! Pow!
358
00:19:04,317 --> 00:19:05,967
Pow! Pow! Pow!
359
00:19:10,018 --> 00:19:12,278
I would've done it
the same way if I was Denzel.
360
00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:14,625
Same way if they'd have
asked me to do it.
361
00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:16,845
"Buddy, you ran off
and got them shoes Gotta get that ass-whoopin'."
362
00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:18,850
Shit.
363
00:19:27,731 --> 00:19:30,211
Pow! [SCREAMING]
364
00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:33,873
[SCREAMING]
365
00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:43,655
That manhood shit go out
the door when you getting your ass beat.
366
00:19:43,704 --> 00:19:44,844
Peace, I'm out of here.
367
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:53,451
Give him a round of applause.
368
00:19:59,850 --> 00:20:01,850
This is my man. I know
you're going to enjoy him.
369
00:20:01,896 --> 00:20:03,246
He's one of your
own, he's from Harlem.
370
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:04,549
Give it up. Flex.
371
00:20:04,594 --> 00:20:05,644
[MUSIC PLAYING]
372
00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:20,307
Oh, God, this
motherfucker.
373
00:20:20,349 --> 00:20:21,439
What's going on?
374
00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:24,881
All right, it's okay.
375
00:20:24,919 --> 00:20:29,049
When I was this tall
I had a bike, right?
376
00:20:29,097 --> 00:20:32,057
What's up, blood? My man
Mohammed right here. What's going on?
377
00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:34,620
All right, yo.
Give a hand for Martin Lawrence. Definitely.
378
00:20:37,714 --> 00:20:39,634
And for the man
who put this together, Russell Simmons.
379
00:20:39,673 --> 00:20:41,333
Gotta give him your hand.
380
00:20:43,459 --> 00:20:46,289
He like the grandfather
of hip hop at this motherfucker.
381
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:48,382
Kid Capri, all right.
382
00:20:48,421 --> 00:20:50,811
Live around the corner
from you. You don't even call a nigga, right?
383
00:20:50,858 --> 00:20:52,338
FLEX: All right.
384
00:20:54,165 --> 00:20:55,725
On the way here, man,
385
00:20:55,776 --> 00:20:57,646
you ever think
about your relatives?
386
00:20:57,691 --> 00:20:59,821
Like, past or present?
387
00:20:59,867 --> 00:21:01,777
I had a grandfather who
would tell me stuff when I was younger, man.
388
00:21:01,825 --> 00:21:04,565
And I didn't understand it,
but now that I get older, I understand it.
389
00:21:04,611 --> 00:21:07,611
I'll be outside playing,
I'll be like,
390
00:21:07,657 --> 00:21:09,617
[HUMMING, VOCALIZING]
391
00:21:09,659 --> 00:21:11,569
"Boy, come here.
392
00:21:11,618 --> 00:21:13,398
"Let me tell you a story."
393
00:21:13,446 --> 00:21:16,276
"It's about a bird
and he's supposed to fly south for the winter.
394
00:21:16,318 --> 00:21:17,968
"Now, he was fucking around
and his wings froze up.
395
00:21:18,015 --> 00:21:19,445
"So, he fell through
a hole in the barn.
396
00:21:19,495 --> 00:21:21,445
"And what do you got
in the barn? You got a cow.
397
00:21:21,497 --> 00:21:24,497
"Now, that cow shit
on the bird.
398
00:21:24,544 --> 00:21:28,984
"But the warmth from the cow
shit helped his wings defrost so he could fly again.
399
00:21:29,026 --> 00:21:30,506
"So, he started chirpin'.
400
00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:32,600
"What else you got
in the barn? You got a cat.
401
00:21:32,639 --> 00:21:35,419
"Now, that cat came out
and licked the shit off and ate him up.
402
00:21:35,468 --> 00:21:37,338
"Now, the moral
to the story is,
403
00:21:37,383 --> 00:21:39,473
"everybody that shit
on you, ain't your enemy.
404
00:21:39,515 --> 00:21:41,165
"And everybody that
takes shit off you, ain't your friend.
405
00:21:41,212 --> 00:21:42,392
"Go on back and play."
406
00:21:46,392 --> 00:21:48,132
There was this kid
on my block named Billy.
407
00:21:48,176 --> 00:21:50,126
He had, like, all his...
He had bikes and stuff,
408
00:21:50,178 --> 00:21:52,088
girls liked him because
of materialistic stuff.
409
00:21:52,136 --> 00:21:53,786
And I came in the house
and I was like, "Grandpa,"
410
00:21:53,834 --> 00:21:56,364
I said, "The girls like Billy
'cause he got pro Keds.
411
00:21:56,402 --> 00:21:57,972
"He got a green machine.
412
00:21:58,012 --> 00:21:59,452
"He got a big wheel.
413
00:21:59,492 --> 00:22:00,972
"And he don't like me.
Ooh-ooh.
414
00:22:01,015 --> 00:22:02,665
"He don't like me."
415
00:22:02,712 --> 00:22:04,762
He said, "Boy, that
materialistic shit don't mean nothing.
416
00:22:04,801 --> 00:22:05,851
"Let me tell you something.
A story about an ant and an elephant.
417
00:22:08,414 --> 00:22:10,464
"And they was walking
down the street.
418
00:22:10,503 --> 00:22:11,853
"And the elephant
fell in a hole and he said,
419
00:22:11,895 --> 00:22:13,505
"Hey, you gonna get me out?"
420
00:22:13,549 --> 00:22:14,809
The ant said, "Give me
15 minutes and I'll be back."
421
00:22:14,855 --> 00:22:16,985
The ant came back
with a Corvette,
422
00:22:17,031 --> 00:22:18,991
tied a rope around the fender,
threw it down there and pulled him up.
423
00:22:19,033 --> 00:22:20,603
Walking down
the street some more. The ant fell in the hole.
424
00:22:20,643 --> 00:22:22,253
He said, "Say,
you gonna get me out?"
425
00:22:22,297 --> 00:22:23,817
Elephant backed up,
pulled out his dick,
426
00:22:23,864 --> 00:22:25,744
threw it down there
and pulled him up.
427
00:22:25,779 --> 00:22:28,519
"Now, the moral
to the story is,
428
00:22:28,564 --> 00:22:30,834
"long as you got a big dick,
you don't need a Corvette.
429
00:22:33,787 --> 00:22:36,007
"'Cause I've been riding
the chariot for years, God damn it!"
430
00:22:41,142 --> 00:22:42,582
And it's funny...
431
00:22:42,622 --> 00:22:44,582
Fellas, answer
this question for me,
432
00:22:44,624 --> 00:22:46,894
when you're with a woman,
do you do the dip and sniff test?
433
00:22:48,541 --> 00:22:50,501
The dip and sniff?
434
00:22:50,543 --> 00:22:52,853
All right, this what you do.
If you don't know, I'll show you.
435
00:22:52,893 --> 00:22:54,293
You're with your lady...
436
00:22:54,329 --> 00:22:55,589
[EXAGGERATED KISSING]
437
00:22:58,333 --> 00:23:00,683
'Cause you gotta
check it out to make sure it's ready, right?
438
00:23:00,727 --> 00:23:02,377
So you... [VOCALIZES]
Then you hug her.
439
00:23:02,424 --> 00:23:03,994
Then you kiss her
and you smell her, right?
440
00:23:04,034 --> 00:23:05,864
But if you catch
that wrong one,
441
00:23:05,906 --> 00:23:07,386
you'd be like...
[KISSING, SNIFFS]
442
00:23:09,736 --> 00:23:11,686
Um, you change up.
You're like,
443
00:23:11,738 --> 00:23:14,778
"Um, I don't that
this is right."
444
00:23:14,828 --> 00:23:16,088
"You know, I'm rushing you."
445
00:23:16,133 --> 00:23:17,133
And, uh, you know...
446
00:23:19,136 --> 00:23:20,746
I just feel...
447
00:23:20,790 --> 00:23:22,660
I just feel like... [SNIFFS]
448
00:23:22,705 --> 00:23:24,965
This shit ain't right.
449
00:23:25,012 --> 00:23:26,582
You need to wash your ass.
450
00:23:29,756 --> 00:23:30,836
Serious, man.
451
00:23:32,367 --> 00:23:34,057
It's like AIDS, man.
452
00:23:34,108 --> 00:23:35,278
AIDS just be
fucking people up, man.
453
00:23:35,326 --> 00:23:36,676
AIDS is killing you dead. Pow.
454
00:23:36,719 --> 00:23:38,109
Brothers be in the clinic
rolling dice,
455
00:23:38,155 --> 00:23:39,805
wishing they had anything
besides AIDS.
456
00:23:39,853 --> 00:23:42,993
They be like this, "Come on,
gonorrhea, come on.
457
00:23:43,030 --> 00:23:45,770
"Damn, AIDS."
'Cause AIDS is coming in a UPS truck.
458
00:23:45,815 --> 00:23:47,075
Roll up to your house.
459
00:23:47,121 --> 00:23:48,251
They be like...
460
00:23:48,296 --> 00:23:49,376
[KNOCKING]
461
00:23:55,172 --> 00:23:57,572
"We got a package
of AIDS for Flex."
462
00:23:58,306 --> 00:24:00,086
I be like,
463
00:24:00,134 --> 00:24:02,274
[IN CHINESE ACCENT]
"Flex don't live here, He live up the block."
464
00:24:03,746 --> 00:24:04,916
And you got...
465
00:24:04,965 --> 00:24:06,265
You got, like...
466
00:24:06,314 --> 00:24:08,754
My man, my man...
I mean, the King of Pop,
467
00:24:08,795 --> 00:24:10,405
Michael Jackson.
468
00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:12,669
The buggest dude
in the world, right? Remember the time.
469
00:24:12,712 --> 00:24:15,502
I remember when he had
a big-ass nose. I remember when he had an afro.
470
00:24:17,020 --> 00:24:18,110
But check it out,
471
00:24:18,152 --> 00:24:19,682
just check it out.
472
00:24:19,719 --> 00:24:23,109
[BEATBOXING]
473
00:24:30,338 --> 00:24:31,338
[GRUNTS]
474
00:24:33,123 --> 00:24:34,123
[BEATBOXING CONTINUES]
475
00:24:37,519 --> 00:24:38,999
[BEATBOXING IMITATING
MICHAEL JACKSON]
476
00:24:53,579 --> 00:24:54,579
[SCREAMS]
477
00:25:02,762 --> 00:25:03,762
[SCREAMS]
478
00:25:11,335 --> 00:25:12,335
[SCREAMS]
479
00:25:31,051 --> 00:25:32,841
Yo, peace! Y'all be good!
480
00:25:36,447 --> 00:25:37,487
[MUSIC PLAYING]
481
00:25:43,542 --> 00:25:44,542
Give it up for Flex.
482
00:25:47,894 --> 00:25:49,164
I'd like to bring my man out.
483
00:25:49,199 --> 00:25:50,719
Come on up
and let's say goodnight.
484
00:25:50,766 --> 00:25:51,806
Come on.
485
00:25:51,854 --> 00:25:52,994
[MUSIC PLAYING]
486
00:25:57,077 --> 00:26:00,077
Thank y'all for coming out.
Goodnight and God bless you.
487
00:26:00,127 --> 00:26:04,677
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