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1
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? Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played
2
00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:08,040
? Songs that made the hit parade
3
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:11,210
? Guys like us, we had it made
4
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? Those were the days
5
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? And you knew
where you were then
6
00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:20,352
? Girls were girls
and men were men
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? Mister, we could use a man
8
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? Like Herbert Hoover again
9
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? Didn't need no welfare state
10
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? Everybody pulled his weight
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? Gee, our old LaSalle ran great
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? Those were the days ?
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14
00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:54,653
Honey, aren't you ready yet?
15
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:56,188
Soon.
16
00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:58,723
Preparing this mother's
milk is a lot of trouble.
17
00:00:58,793 --> 00:01:01,126
Maybe I ought to start
him on baby's formula.
18
00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:03,807
There's only one
formula that'll make a baby
19
00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:06,832
and if you play your cards
right, I'll refresh your memory.
20
00:01:06,901 --> 00:01:09,621
I can't believe we're
finally going out. Yeah.
21
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:11,481
After three weeks
of taking care of Joey,
22
00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:13,250
everything looks
like a diaper to me.
23
00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:14,739
Yeah, me, too.
24
00:01:14,809 --> 00:01:17,049
You know, I can't put my
shorts on unless I'm lyin' down.
25
00:01:22,382 --> 00:01:23,648
You know what's so nice?
26
00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:26,185
I can finally put my
arms around you again.
27
00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:27,463
You know, for the
last few months,
28
00:01:27,487 --> 00:01:30,388
I felt like we were
kissin' over a beach ball.
29
00:01:30,457 --> 00:01:32,902
But you always told me I looked
beautiful when I was pregnant.
30
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,070
You were. You were gorgeous.
31
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:36,962
You... You had a-an
inner glow, a radiance.
32
00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:38,463
I was fat and clumsy.
33
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:39,532
That, too.
34
00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:44,002
But tonight, tonight I
am taking you away
35
00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:45,904
from the joys of motherhood.
36
00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:48,718
Honey? What?
37
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:50,542
Isn't it wonderful?
38
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:54,413
Three whole hours with no
one throwing up on my shoulder.
39
00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:58,650
Aw, look at him, honey.
40
00:01:58,718 --> 00:02:00,085
Hello, sweetheart.
41
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:01,653
Hiya, Joey.
42
00:02:01,721 --> 00:02:05,190
Aw, isn't he beautiful?
43
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:06,358
Yeah.
44
00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:09,294
Aw, he's the spitting
image of his father.
45
00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:12,842
Yeah, you mean a
drooling image of his father.
46
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,166
There you go.
47
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:16,034
Hi, little honey.
48
00:02:16,103 --> 00:02:19,181
You know, when I look at him like
this though, he really looks more like me.
49
00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:22,340
Yeah? Well, look,
he's got my eyelashes.
50
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:29,915
He's got my nose,
my chin, my neck.
51
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,417
Keep goin'. You'll
get to me soon.
52
00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,020
Your stomach.
53
00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:37,989
Go to sleep, sweetheart.
54
00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:40,158
He's yawnin'. Yeah.
55
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:43,294
Good night, Joey.
56
00:02:45,532 --> 00:02:48,500
Look at that. He
went right to sleep.
57
00:02:48,568 --> 00:02:50,112
Are they supposed to do that?
58
00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:51,981
Yeah, it's okay, honey. Oh.
59
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,117
Hey, you want anything
from Ferguson's for the baby?
60
00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:55,285
Huh? What? Shh!
61
00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:58,110
Daddy. Be quiet.
The baby's sleeping.
62
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,445
I didn't know that. Let me look.
63
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:03,081
Hey, he looks like
he's chewin' in there.
64
00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:06,852
You know, when he's chewin',
he reminds me of you, Meathead.
65
00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:12,623
Hey, listen, I'm sorry I can't oblige
your babysittin' tonight, little girl.
66
00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:15,126
But you know about the poker
game over at my house, huh?
67
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:18,574
That's all right, Daddy. We have a
very experienced babysitter coming over.
68
00:03:18,598 --> 00:03:20,509
She's one of Michael's
brightest students.
69
00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:23,134
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
70
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:27,138
You're gonna leave that baby
alone here with a total stranger?
71
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,051
Arch, the kid is
three weeks old.
72
00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:31,435
He hasn't made many friends yet.
73
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:37,215
What the hell kind
of a father... Shh!
74
00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:39,617
What the hell kind
of a father are you?
75
00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:41,819
When Gloria was a
baby, I never left her alone.
76
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:46,257
Wherever I went, I made
sure that Edith stayed with her.
77
00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:49,160
Daddy, if you're so worried,
then cancel your poker game,
78
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,573
and you sit with your grandson.
79
00:03:50,597 --> 00:03:53,565
I can't do that, little girl.
The game is all set up.
80
00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:55,177
Jeez, it's your mother's fault.
81
00:03:55,201 --> 00:03:57,714
She had no business goin'
out of town at a time like this
82
00:03:57,738 --> 00:04:00,872
with a three-week old baby
lying there in the bassinoot.
83
00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:03,775
Daddy, she had to go.
84
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:06,878
Her Aunt Louise is 88
years old and she's very sick.
85
00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:08,613
She could die any minute.
86
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:11,950
Aw, that old bag has been
dyin' any minute for 30 years.
87
00:04:13,153 --> 00:04:15,298
She's gonna bury
the whole bunch of us.
88
00:04:15,322 --> 00:04:18,122
The only way she's gonna croak
is if somebody shoves her off a cliff.
89
00:04:21,528 --> 00:04:23,095
Ah! Oh, hi, there, Kelsey.
90
00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:25,130
Yeah, Archie here.
91
00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:27,177
Yeah, the card game's set for
tonight only Stretch can't come.
92
00:04:27,201 --> 00:04:29,567
You got somebody
to fill in for him?
93
00:04:29,636 --> 00:04:32,037
Willie Johnson,
your neighbor? Yeah.
94
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:35,073
Oh, he's a colored guy.
95
00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:37,742
Oh, well, uh... Goodbye, Willie.
96
00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:39,978
Cut that out! That hurt.
97
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:42,247
No, it's the daughter
here foolin' around.
98
00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:44,560
No, no, no, I ain't got
nothin' against them people.
99
00:04:44,584 --> 00:04:46,551
You know that.
100
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,321
Listen, I'm talking
on the phone to you
101
00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:51,390
from a house that
used to be colored.
102
00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:59,364
No, no, no, bring the guy
along. Glad to have him.
103
00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:01,232
See you at 8:00. Bye.
104
00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:02,768
Hey, Gloria? Hmm?
105
00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:04,447
We'd better hurry up. We're
gonna miss the show. Oh.
106
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,048
Hey, Arch, do me
a favor, will you?
107
00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:07,917
Stay with the baby until
the babysitter gets here.
108
00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:09,352
I gotta go to
Ferguson's for beer.
109
00:05:09,376 --> 00:05:10,642
Oh, Arch.
110
00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:13,011
Oh, Daddy, Ferguson's
is open until midnight.
111
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,824
You just don't wanna
be alone with the baby
112
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,792
'cause you're afraid you
might have to change him.
113
00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:19,217
You think I never
changed you, little girl?
114
00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:20,852
If I'd have waited
for you to do that,
115
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:23,655
I would have worn the
same diaper till I was two.
116
00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:25,256
Ma told me that.
117
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,437
Well, don't believe your
mother. You believe me.
118
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:29,660
Many's the time I
changed you, little girl.
119
00:05:29,729 --> 00:05:32,998
And it wasn't always wee-wee.
Sometimes, it was this here.
120
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:40,238
Well, I never promised
you a rose garden.
121
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,786
That's cute.
122
00:05:43,810 --> 00:05:46,244
I don't know what the
hell she's talkin' about.
123
00:05:47,648 --> 00:05:50,482
I'll get it. I'll get it.
I'm right here, ain't I?
124
00:05:50,550 --> 00:05:52,161
Hi. Hiya, sis. What do you want?
125
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,529
Oh, hi, Mr. Stivic. Hi,
Sharyn, come on in.
126
00:05:53,553 --> 00:05:55,632
Who's this? Sharyn.
She's the babysitter.
127
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:56,766
This is the babysitter? Yeah.
128
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:58,268
What's the matter
with you? What?
129
00:05:58,292 --> 00:06:00,002
A kid this age can't take
care of a baby. Are you crazy?
130
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:01,266
Oh, hi, Mrs. Stivic.
131
00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:02,905
Hi, Sharyn, this is
my father Mr. Bunker.
132
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,329
Daddy, this is Sharyn Ramsey.
133
00:06:04,398 --> 00:06:06,041
Hi, Mr. Bunker. Yeah,
hiya there, sis. Uh, yeah.
134
00:06:06,065 --> 00:06:08,800
Now you can give Joey his 8:00
bottle whenever he wakes up.
135
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:12,837
And over there on the desk, I've got the
phone number of the theater written down.
136
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:15,251
Gloria, we're gonna be late. We'd
better hurry. We're gonna be late.
137
00:06:15,275 --> 00:06:18,176
All right. Don't worry.
Sharyn, we'll see you later.
138
00:06:18,244 --> 00:06:19,322
Hey, listen, listen. What?
139
00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:20,378
Bye-bye!
140
00:06:20,447 --> 00:06:21,857
A girl like this
with a kid in here.
141
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:24,315
A babysitter at least
ought to be out of puberous.
142
00:06:30,256 --> 00:06:33,024
Um, say, uh, listen, sis,
143
00:06:33,092 --> 00:06:36,494
not to get personal or anything,
but how long have you been...
144
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:39,797
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
145
00:06:39,866 --> 00:06:41,799
What is this?
146
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:43,435
That's a textbook.
147
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:45,170
I know.
148
00:06:45,239 --> 00:06:47,872
"The Sex Life of Aborgnines."
149
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:53,377
Is that that actor
with all of the wives?
150
00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:56,815
"Aborigines."
151
00:06:56,883 --> 00:06:58,449
Well, I know,
but it's about sex.
152
00:06:58,518 --> 00:07:00,252
Does your mother
know you're readin' this?
153
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,353
Mr. Stivic's teaching it.
154
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:05,256
Well, I ain't surprised.
He'd teach anything.
155
00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:07,559
How long you been babysittin'?
156
00:07:07,627 --> 00:07:09,094
Since I was 14.
157
00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,928
Was that about a year ago?
158
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:12,597
I'm 18.
159
00:07:12,665 --> 00:07:16,134
Oh, now, come on. You can't tell
me you're 18 years of age there.
160
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:17,780
Would you like to see
my driver's license?
161
00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:19,815
No, no, no, I didn't ask to
see your driver's license.
162
00:07:19,839 --> 00:07:22,173
You say you're 18...
What year was you born in?
163
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:24,041
1957.
164
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,980
I'll take your word for it.
165
00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:32,717
Uh, let me ask you
this. Uh, what's that?
166
00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:34,786
Baby powder.
167
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:36,087
Correct.
168
00:07:36,723 --> 00:07:38,423
What's this here?
169
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:40,492
A pre-moistened towelette.
170
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,026
Oh, is that what that is.
171
00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:45,129
And this over here?
172
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:46,364
Baby oil.
173
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:50,001
How many teaspoonfuls
you give him?
174
00:07:50,069 --> 00:07:52,404
You rub it on. You
don't feed it to him.
175
00:07:53,239 --> 00:07:55,473
Well, see you remember that.
176
00:07:55,542 --> 00:07:59,544
Now, I'm gonna leave. And you just
sit right here where you can see him.
177
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:02,547
Here, move up a little bit closer
there where you can see the ba...
178
00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:04,949
Don't be readin' sex here, huh?
179
00:08:06,085 --> 00:08:07,485
Just keep your eye on him.
180
00:08:07,554 --> 00:08:09,888
See, I don't want him
turnin' over there on his face
181
00:08:09,956 --> 00:08:13,391
so he gets himself
a cauliflower nose.
182
00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:16,739
Don't worry, Mr. Bunker. At three
weeks, he's not strong enough
183
00:08:16,763 --> 00:08:18,262
to turn over by himself.
184
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:21,165
Don't short-change
the kid. He's very strong.
185
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:23,479
Look at the arms and
the shoulders on him there.
186
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:24,647
He's got a hell of a bite, too.
187
00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:25,748
You know what he done yesterday?
188
00:08:25,772 --> 00:08:27,283
He bit right through a nipple.
189
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:28,651
It was a lucky thing
he was on a bottle.
190
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:31,509
He could have hurt
somebody in the family.
191
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:36,247
He doesn't have
any teeth, Mr. Bunker.
192
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:39,217
Well, then, he's got
gums like an alligator.
193
00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:42,019
I'm only telling you
what he done, that's all.
194
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:45,823
Now, I gotta go over next
door to the game, see?
195
00:08:45,892 --> 00:08:49,894
And if he wakes up and he
sees a strange face, that's yours,
196
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,496
and he starts cryin',
197
00:08:51,564 --> 00:08:54,065
you go out the kitchen
door, out the back door, see,
198
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:56,946
cross the alley, come over to
the house and get his ganpaw.
199
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:59,303
His ganpaw?
200
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,941
That's what he's gonna call
me when he learns to talk.
201
00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:05,291
Don't look at me. Look at him.
202
00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:08,191
He's a beaut,
ain't he, for a boy?
203
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,347
Yeah.
204
00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:11,527
Yeah, he's gonna grow
up to be a hell of a guy, too.
205
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:15,253
None of them fruitcakes
with the long hair,
206
00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:19,157
funny eyeglasses and a purse
hanging down over their shoulder.
207
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:31,848
Holy cow, I don't believe it.
208
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:33,938
Hi, is, uh, Sharyn Ramsey here?
209
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:35,051
What's it to you?
210
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,619
Hi, David, come
on in. Hi, Sharyn.
211
00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:39,410
Who is this? Who
is this? Who is this?
212
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:41,079
I guess you know him, huh?
213
00:09:41,147 --> 00:09:44,260
Oh, uh, Mr. Bunker, this is David
Harper. He's a friend of mine.
214
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:45,349
Hi, Mr. Bunker.
215
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,829
Yeah, yeah, yeah, likewise.
216
00:09:46,853 --> 00:09:48,086
What's this here?
217
00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:49,732
Oh, that's a couple albums.
We're gonna play 'em.
218
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,200
You know, Rolling
Stones, Grateful Dead.
219
00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:54,070
Yeah, I know all about
them gravediggers.
220
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,773
I don't want no loud
music played in here.
221
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:58,808
Don't worry, we
won't play the albums.
222
00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:00,176
Yeah. Hold it, hold
it, hold it, hold it.
223
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,732
Douse the light there, buddy.
224
00:10:01,801 --> 00:10:03,313
What do you think you're doin'?
225
00:10:03,337 --> 00:10:04,713
Well, I was gonna
smoke a cigarette.
226
00:10:04,737 --> 00:10:06,615
Uh, David, no smoking
around the baby.
227
00:10:06,639 --> 00:10:08,639
Yeah, but that
ain't the point there.
228
00:10:08,675 --> 00:10:11,543
Is that, uh, a
regular cigarette?
229
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:14,557
Yeah, it's the legal kind. You
know, the one's that give you cancer?
230
00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:17,615
Oh, that's good.
231
00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:21,152
You sure you ain't got, uh, any
of them funny, little ones in there?
232
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:23,101
Aw, Mr. Bunker, I
don't smoke grass.
233
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,933
Oh, oh, oh, I
never said you did.
234
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:26,669
I just don't wanna come
back in here a little later
235
00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:28,853
and sniff around and
think I'm in Mexico.
236
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:32,942
Come here, sis, I wanna
ask you something.
237
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,811
Come over here. Come
over here. Why is he here?
238
00:10:35,835 --> 00:10:37,946
David and I are
studying together.
239
00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:39,270
Studying what?
240
00:10:39,338 --> 00:10:40,378
Anthropology.
241
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,307
In front of the child?
242
00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:46,911
Anthropology is
the study of man.
243
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:50,848
That's the point. I don't
want you studying that man.
244
00:10:50,917 --> 00:10:52,428
You don't understand...
245
00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:54,697
Listen, Sharyn, this isn't
gonna work out. I'd better go.
246
00:10:54,721 --> 00:10:56,432
All right. That's
a very good idea.
247
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:58,367
I think I'll hold
the door for you.
248
00:10:58,391 --> 00:10:59,836
I'm sorry. Oh, it's all right.
249
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,092
We'll catch up later.
250
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,861
Jeez, he can't keep
his mouth off of her.
251
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:07,898
Mr. Bunker, it's been
a real experience.
252
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:10,301
Yeah, yeah, likewise. Likewise.
253
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:11,602
Yeah, bye.
254
00:11:13,439 --> 00:11:17,542
Look what your boyfriend done
there. He woke up the baby here.
255
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:19,044
Come on, sis, pick him up, huh?
256
00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:20,723
The door scared him.
He'll stop in a minute.
257
00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:22,980
I don't think he's gonna
stop. You better pick him up.
258
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:25,060
It's not good to pick up
a baby every time it cries.
259
00:11:25,084 --> 00:11:26,763
It just makes it
harder for the mother.
260
00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:28,631
The hell with the
mother. Pick up the child!
261
00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:31,100
Believe me. If we leave him
alone, he'll go right back to sleep.
262
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:33,936
Well, how's he gonna go to sleep
when he's making so much noise
263
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,493
he's keepin' himself awake?
264
00:11:36,562 --> 00:11:39,130
Oh, he ain't... He
ain't crying now.
265
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,199
What the hell was that?
266
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:43,201
Nothing. He went back to sleep.
267
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,848
Are you sure he
didn't faint in there?
268
00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:47,138
He didn't faint.
269
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,018
Well, don't you think
we ought to pinch him?
270
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,575
No, he's asleep. Shh.
271
00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:54,490
All right. Okay, I'm goin'
now, but I'm gonna come back
272
00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:56,247
and I may be
droppin' in suddenly.
273
00:11:56,315 --> 00:11:58,460
If my grandson is yellin' there
and you ain't pickin' him up,
274
00:11:58,484 --> 00:12:00,051
you're in trouble, sis.
275
00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:03,620
Mr. Bunker, maybe you'd feel
better if you sat with the baby.
276
00:12:03,689 --> 00:12:07,525
Well, don't think I wouldn't if
I didn't have this poker game.
277
00:12:07,593 --> 00:12:10,728
Oh. What's more important?
Your poker game or your grandson?
278
00:12:10,796 --> 00:12:13,064
Hey, don't be fresh now.
279
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,032
My grandson's more important.
280
00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:16,133
Well?
281
00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:17,680
Well, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
282
00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:19,281
How much are they
payin' you for this here?
283
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:22,306
Nothing. I was doing it
as a favor for Mr. Stivic.
284
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:24,441
Terrific. Well, I'll take over.
285
00:12:24,510 --> 00:12:25,543
Terrific.
286
00:12:25,611 --> 00:12:28,146
I'll hold the door
open for you, too.
287
00:12:29,782 --> 00:12:32,049
You know, David
was right, Mr. Bunker.
288
00:12:32,118 --> 00:12:34,918
It sure was an
experience meeting you.
289
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:38,348
Hey, hey, hey, there's no sense
trying to make up with me now.
290
00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:46,296
Oh, gee.
291
00:12:46,365 --> 00:12:48,232
Hey. Hey, hey, don't cry.
292
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:49,945
Hey, don't cry in
there, little fella.
293
00:12:49,969 --> 00:12:52,770
Don't cry. Your ganpaw
is here with you here.
294
00:12:52,839 --> 00:12:56,641
Don't cry. Hey, listen, I can't
pick you up every time you cry.
295
00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:59,610
Huh? Because that makes
it hard on your mother.
296
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:03,848
Oh, jeez, you sound
like your mother, too.
297
00:13:10,257 --> 00:13:12,357
Gotta make expenses.
298
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:14,324
Let's go here.
299
00:13:14,393 --> 00:13:16,827
All right, let's
go. Not too bad.
300
00:13:16,896 --> 00:13:19,274
Hey, uh, I'm gonna
open for a half.
301
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:21,109
Kelsey the Greek over there.
302
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:22,199
I'll call.
303
00:13:22,268 --> 00:13:23,601
Me, too. Call.
304
00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:25,514
Let's see what
we got here. Well...
305
00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:27,716
Hey, hey, hey. Tiny, huh?
306
00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:30,308
Don't be lightin'
up a heater here.
307
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,877
The smoke will go over
there and finixiate the child.
308
00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:37,282
Sorry, Arch, I forgot.
309
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:40,629
Do you have to be clickin' your
winnings over there? Well, I...
310
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,021
The noise would
wake up the baby, huh?
311
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:44,967
Jeez, Arch, all we've
been gettin' for two hours
312
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,002
is don't laugh, don't
smoke, don't click the coins!
313
00:13:47,026 --> 00:13:50,461
And don't raise your voice.
314
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:53,030
Hey, Arch, maybe you ought
to let the baby get used to noise.
315
00:13:53,099 --> 00:13:54,299
Shh. Why?
316
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:57,635
Well, with you for a grandpa...
317
00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:59,870
Aw, look what you did!
318
00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:01,179
You with your big mouth!
319
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:03,173
Bunker, are you in or out?
320
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:04,720
Aw, give me a break, will you?
321
00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:07,045
I'm trying to deal with
a kid in trouble, here.
322
00:14:07,113 --> 00:14:08,579
All right, little fella.
323
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:11,182
You just try and go
seepy-bye in there.
324
00:14:11,717 --> 00:14:13,117
Seepy-bye?
325
00:14:14,820 --> 00:14:16,665
Jeez, if I knew it was
gonna be this kind of night,
326
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:19,129
I'd have brought my Barbie doll.
327
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,661
The kid must be hungry.
328
00:14:23,729 --> 00:14:26,843
He ain't hungry. He ain't supposed
to be fed for another three hours yet.
329
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:29,234
Check. Maybe he lost his watch.
330
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:32,337
Well, if he ain't hungry,
it's the other thing.
331
00:14:36,943 --> 00:14:39,176
What other thing?
332
00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:40,544
Feel his bottom.
333
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:42,279
See if it's heavy.
334
00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:50,922
I don't have to
do nothin' like that.
335
00:14:50,990 --> 00:14:53,524
He got rid of all
that this mornin'.
336
00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:56,494
Arch, you want the
kid to stop cryin'?
337
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:57,773
Why don't you do what I
always did with my kid?
338
00:14:57,797 --> 00:14:59,497
Give him some beer.
339
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:01,499
What an awful suggestion.
340
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:04,469
Feedin' beer to a child
that ain't even weanied yet?
341
00:15:11,177 --> 00:15:13,611
He's in some kind
of trouble over here.
342
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,157
Well, maybe he's
havin' a nightmare.
343
00:15:15,181 --> 00:15:16,992
Oh, he don't know
enough about the world.
344
00:15:17,016 --> 00:15:19,784
He ain't even took
a subway ride yet.
345
00:15:19,853 --> 00:15:24,622
My grandmother used to say, "A
crying baby is like a nickel on the floor.
346
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:26,791
"Pick it up and
everybody's happy."
347
00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:30,527
Yeah, everybody except
the guy who lost the nickel.
348
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:33,109
Sidney, the worst thing you
can do for a kid is pick him up.
349
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:34,431
It only spoils him.
350
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:37,301
Better he should be spoiled
than he should be crying.
351
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:41,973
My grandmother always said, "A
crying baby should be picked up."
352
00:15:42,041 --> 00:15:45,509
She was pickin' me up
when I was nine years old.
353
00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:47,278
I say you should pick him up.
354
00:15:47,346 --> 00:15:49,647
Yeah, pick him
up, or deal him in.
355
00:15:49,715 --> 00:15:51,382
Yeah.
356
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:55,019
Don't you see that your
laugh is torturin' the child here?
357
00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:57,566
Hey, Arch. Arch, that
sounds like a rash cry to me.
358
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,357
See if he's wet.
359
00:15:59,425 --> 00:16:00,436
No, no, no, I don't like
to do that. He ain't wet.
360
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,292
How do you know? Did you feel?
361
00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:05,363
I don't have to feel. He
don't even sound wet.
362
00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:07,598
Hey, Arch, I think you're
afraid to change the kid.
363
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:09,545
I'll bet you've never changed a baby.
- Yeah.
364
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,935
I'm tellin' you,
Arch, it's a rash cry.
365
00:16:12,004 --> 00:16:14,472
It ain't a rash cry.
It's a noise cry.
366
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:17,340
And the cause of it is
Tiny over there. Me?
367
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,978
If you ain't gonna pick
it up, the kid's hungry.
368
00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:22,724
Yeah, come on, feed him.
Feed him, Arch. Feed him!
369
00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:24,193
I'll give him a bottle.
I'll give him a bottle.
370
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:26,061
All right, you guys
all gather round here.
371
00:16:26,085 --> 00:16:27,863
Jiggle the bassinoot here, see?
372
00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:29,586
And I'll go get his stuff.
373
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:32,756
Okay, okay.
374
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:34,892
Hey, he's a cute kid, huh?
375
00:16:34,961 --> 00:16:36,194
Yeah.
376
00:16:36,262 --> 00:16:38,796
It's hard to believe
he's related to Arch.
377
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,033
Shh. Shh.
378
00:16:42,101 --> 00:16:46,704
? Rock a bye baby on a tree top
379
00:16:46,772 --> 00:16:49,240
? When the wind blows
380
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:52,043
? The cradle will rock
381
00:16:52,111 --> 00:16:57,014
? When the bough
breaks the cradle will fall
382
00:16:57,083 --> 00:17:00,618
? And down will come baby
383
00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:06,591
? Cradle and all ?
384
00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:08,960
Hey, how 'bout it?
385
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,562
Hey, hey, hey, Arch.
Did you hear that, huh?
386
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:14,899
Yeah, swell, three Andrews
Brothers and one Ink Spot.
387
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,673
I think I'll feed him now, huh?
388
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:24,386
That baby got nice features.
389
00:17:24,410 --> 00:17:25,843
Yeah.
390
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:28,423
But I don't think he's getting
enough sunshine though.
391
00:17:28,447 --> 00:17:30,514
He looks a little
pale, don't he?
392
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:34,418
You all look a
little pale to me.
393
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:37,922
Before you give it to him,
you're supposed to test it first.
394
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:40,191
I already tested it, Schwartz,
395
00:17:40,259 --> 00:17:42,994
and it tastes lousy
just like babies love it.
396
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,897
Arch, the bottle ain't
gonna stay in his mouth.
397
00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:48,611
You gotta pick him up, you
gotta cradle him in your arms
398
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:50,868
and then you gotta hold
the bottle in his mouth.
399
00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:52,381
No, no, gee, look at that.
400
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,405
He's slurpin' it up
pretty good, ain't he?
401
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:57,975
Yeah, yeah, I can't wait till he's
old enough to come to my bar.
402
00:17:58,043 --> 00:18:01,011
Hey, Arch, I don't think
he's drinkin' anything.
403
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,458
Maybe he has to burp.
404
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:04,781
No, kids only burp when
they finish their bottle.
405
00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:07,384
Sometimes, it's before.
Sometimes, it's after.
406
00:18:07,453 --> 00:18:09,687
There are no rules for burping.
407
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,660
See? He burped.
408
00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:23,835
That wasn't no burp.
409
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:36,948
Hey, Schwartz, there, I mean, you
know so much about everything, uh,
410
00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:40,084
are you, uh, gonna help me
with this little change here?
411
00:18:40,152 --> 00:18:41,852
I ain't a Jewish mother.
412
00:18:44,524 --> 00:18:45,689
Johnson?
413
00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,558
I ain't even Jewish.
414
00:18:48,194 --> 00:18:49,393
Kelsey there?
415
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,362
Arch, I came to
play poker not house.
416
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:53,464
Let's get our
winnings, fellas, huh?
417
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:55,699
Hey, Tiny, what am I gonna do?
418
00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:58,502
Open a window.
419
00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:00,349
Yeah, Arch, and then after
that sing to him. You know.
420
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:03,807
? Rock a bye baby on a tree top
421
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:07,844
? When the wind
blows the cradle will rock
422
00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:11,649
? When the bough
breaks the cradle will fall
423
00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:14,718
? And down will come
baby cradle and all ?
424
00:19:14,787 --> 00:19:18,189
Hey, you guys, you're leaving
an innocent child in danger here.
425
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:26,030
Well, okay, kiddo.
426
00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:31,902
As the President said to the
boys, "I'll erase this myself."
427
00:19:36,442 --> 00:19:39,977
All right now, just take
it easy. That's a boy.
428
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:41,490
You don't have to
cry about nothin'.
429
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:44,148
I like you quiet this way, see?
430
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:48,252
Where's the pins? No
pins. Jeez, what a diaper.
431
00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:51,755
Oh, you're taped up there,
huh? Oh, that's pretty good.
432
00:19:52,558 --> 00:19:54,591
We'll get that off there.
433
00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:58,028
There we go. There we go.
434
00:19:58,097 --> 00:20:01,031
Now we get it off
there. Now we get it off...
435
00:20:08,807 --> 00:20:10,941
It's okay. It's okay.
436
00:20:11,009 --> 00:20:14,811
Only take a minute
here. There we go. There.
437
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,080
Now we'll get it
all together here.
438
00:20:17,149 --> 00:20:20,451
Now, I'll be right with
you, huh? Now, don't move.
439
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:24,388
Okay, okay, I ain't
leavin' the room. I...
440
00:20:34,167 --> 00:20:35,599
Here we are.
441
00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:37,201
This is gonna feel good,
442
00:20:37,269 --> 00:20:39,403
when we get you all
wiped off. Won't it?
443
00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:41,805
Take it easy.
Take it easy there.
444
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:45,609
We'll get you all wiped off.
Get you nice and clean there.
445
00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:48,645
And, uh, and then
we, uh... Yeah.
446
00:20:50,616 --> 00:20:53,817
Yeah, we got a diadee
comin' for you now here.
447
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:55,586
Here's a nice clean one.
448
00:20:55,654 --> 00:20:59,123
Okay, okay, take it easy there.
449
00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:01,325
Now...
450
00:21:03,629 --> 00:21:05,396
That's a boy.
451
00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:08,032
I can't even get him up.
452
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:09,566
We'll get you out of here.
453
00:21:09,635 --> 00:21:11,868
Oh, yeah, that's okay.
454
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,470
That's okay.
455
00:21:13,539 --> 00:21:15,839
I'll carry you in
a minute there.
456
00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:18,742
This is down here.
457
00:21:22,714 --> 00:21:24,514
Tape it over there.
458
00:21:24,583 --> 00:21:27,184
And over there.
And you'll be all set.
459
00:21:33,525 --> 00:21:34,959
There you go.
460
00:21:35,027 --> 00:21:36,193
Good night.
461
00:21:36,728 --> 00:21:37,894
There.
462
00:21:38,397 --> 00:21:39,964
There.
463
00:21:40,032 --> 00:21:43,267
Now, I left a note over there
for your mommy and daddy
464
00:21:43,336 --> 00:21:44,779
that you're over
here with me, see?
465
00:21:44,803 --> 00:21:46,748
And wasn't it better bein'
over here with all us guys
466
00:21:46,772 --> 00:21:49,406
than with that fresh girl? Huh?
467
00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:50,741
Now.
468
00:21:51,510 --> 00:21:53,977
? Lullaby, and good night
469
00:21:54,046 --> 00:21:57,280
? And with roses bedight ?
470
00:21:57,349 --> 00:22:00,084
Whatever that means.
471
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:03,286
A couple years, I'll be telling
you fairy stories, you know?
472
00:22:03,355 --> 00:22:07,190
Oh, I don't mean stories
about them people, you know,
473
00:22:07,259 --> 00:22:11,562
but stories out of fairy books
like "The Three Little Bears,"
474
00:22:11,630 --> 00:22:13,063
"The Three Little Pigs."
475
00:22:13,132 --> 00:22:15,032
See, "The Three Men in a Tub."
476
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:18,502
They had a water
shortage in them days.
477
00:22:18,571 --> 00:22:23,440
See, everything in fairy
land was in threes, you know?
478
00:22:23,509 --> 00:22:26,443
Except the dwarves.
There was seven of them.
479
00:22:26,512 --> 00:22:28,512
'Cause they was little, see?
480
00:22:28,581 --> 00:22:31,982
And, uh, the wolf
was after them.
481
00:22:32,051 --> 00:22:33,995
So the wolf come
runnin' after 'em.
482
00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:36,287
Boy, and he had
one hell of a breath.
483
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,389
He blew down their house, see?
484
00:22:38,457 --> 00:22:41,858
And he blew down their house
and they had to find another joint.
485
00:22:41,927 --> 00:22:46,363
So they run through the woods
and they run across Goldilocks,
486
00:22:46,432 --> 00:22:49,066
and she took them all
in to live with her, see?
487
00:22:49,134 --> 00:22:52,803
But nothin' wrong with that because she
was a nice girl, and they're old anyway.
488
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,575
So they got another house.
But the wolf come along
489
00:22:57,643 --> 00:22:59,943
and he blew that one down, too.
490
00:23:00,012 --> 00:23:03,447
So then they took off again through
the woods and they come to a...
491
00:23:05,150 --> 00:23:07,150
They come to a brick
house there, see?
492
00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:10,120
And that belonged to
Disney. So they all...
493
00:23:13,659 --> 00:23:18,061
They all moved in there and
started working for him, hmm.
494
00:23:18,130 --> 00:23:20,531
Yeah, well, that
ain't particularly right,
495
00:23:20,599 --> 00:23:23,033
but then, you don't know
the difference anyhow.
496
00:23:24,003 --> 00:23:26,503
Yeah.
497
00:23:26,572 --> 00:23:28,872
? London Bridge is falling down
498
00:23:28,941 --> 00:23:30,974
? Falling down, falling down
499
00:23:31,043 --> 00:23:33,209
? London Bridge is falling down
500
00:23:33,278 --> 00:23:35,478
? The Limeys built it wrong ?
501
00:23:38,818 --> 00:23:41,284
Hi, Daddy. Hi, Arch.
502
00:23:41,354 --> 00:23:43,086
Hi, you're back, are you?
503
00:23:43,155 --> 00:23:44,232
Yeah. Yeah.
504
00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:45,823
How's Joey?
505
00:23:45,891 --> 00:23:49,192
Ah, he's great there. You see
this in here? See what that is?
506
00:23:49,261 --> 00:23:51,595
That's a nice, clean,
fresh diadee there.
507
00:23:51,664 --> 00:23:53,241
You diapered the baby, Arch?
508
00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:55,899
Well, he certainly
didn't do it himself, huh?
509
00:23:55,967 --> 00:23:59,002
Daddy, what's that on the floor?
510
00:23:59,071 --> 00:24:02,906
Oh, that's something that
Joseph flung out of his bassinoot.
511
00:24:06,445 --> 00:24:08,812
Aw, he burped.
512
00:24:08,881 --> 00:24:13,717
Oh, I don't think
that was a burp.
513
00:24:13,786 --> 00:24:15,786
I'll tell you what there.
514
00:24:15,854 --> 00:24:19,290
I'm gonna... I'm gonna
let you take over here,
515
00:24:19,358 --> 00:24:20,857
Daddy Meathead.
516
00:24:22,027 --> 00:24:24,194
You just take over, huh?
517
00:24:24,263 --> 00:24:25,329
Yeah.
518
00:24:25,398 --> 00:24:26,997
You know somethin'?
519
00:24:27,065 --> 00:24:29,500
In this situation, he
looks like you again.
520
00:24:56,796 --> 00:24:58,840
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
521
00:24:58,864 --> 00:25:00,698
before a live audience.
522
00:25:01,305 --> 00:26:01,386
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00:26:01,436 --> 00:26:05,986
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