All language subtitles for All In The Family s05e07 Glorias Shock.eng

? BOY, THE WAY
GLENN MILLER PLAYED ?

? SONGS THAT MADE
THE HIT PARADE ?

? GUYS LIKE US, WE HAD IT MADE ?

? THOSE WERE THE DAYS ?

? AND YOU KNEW
WHERE YOU WERE THEN ?

? GIRLS WERE GIRLS
AND MEN WERE MEN ?

? MISTER, WE COULD USE A MAN ?

? LIKE HERBERT HOOVER AGAIN ?

? DIDN'T NEED NO
WELFARE STATES ?

? EVERYBODY PULLED HIS WEIGHT ?

? GEE OUR OLD
LASALLE RAN GREAT ?

? THOSE WERE ?

? THE DAYS ?

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OH, HELLO, MY DARLING.

YOU LOOK A LITTLE TIRED.

WHAT YOU NEED IS SOME
TENDER LOVING CARE.

DO WE HAVE TIME, GLORIA?

I WAS TALKING TO MOSS
PLANT, HONEY. OH, OH.

YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT FIRST TAUGHT ME

THAT PLANTS REALLY RESPOND
TO LOVE AND AFFECTION.

THAT'S TRUE, THAT'S
TRUE, SO DO HUSBANDS.

OH, OH NOT NOW, HONEY.

WHY? COME ON, NOBODY'S
HERE. NO, COME ON.

GLORIA, YOU WON'T EVEN
SHOW YOUR HUSBAND

THE SAME ATTENTION
YOU SHOW YOUR FERN.

OH, OH, OK.

HELLO, MY HONEY!

WHAT, ARE YOU COOLING OFF
THE RED HOT LOVER THERE?

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE HIM OUTSIDE
AND TURN THE HOSE ON HIM?

RECREATION BREAK'S
OVER, THE WARDEN'S BACK.

HI, MA. I MADE YOU SOME COFFEE.

OH, HOW WAS THE FUNERAL?
OH, IT WAS VERY NICE.

DIDN'T YOU THINK IT WAS, ARCHIE?

AH, WELL, EDITH, FUNERALS ARE ALL
THE SAME, ONE'S JUST LIKE THE NEXT ONE.

THE ONLY THING DIFFERENT
IS THE DEARLY DEPARTEDS.

IT WAS A LOVELY SERVICE.

AND THE REVEREND FELCHER
SAID SUCH NICE THINGS

ABOUT POOR JOE HOFFSINGER.

WHEREVER JOE IS, I'M SURE HIS
EARS MUST HAVE BEEN BURNING.

OH, DID YOU GO TO THE CEMETERY?

OH, NO, JOE AIN'T BEING BURIED.

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO WITH HIM?

HE'S GONNA BE INCREMATED.

DADDY, "CREMATED."

AIN'T THAT WHAT I SAID?

AND THEY'RE GONNA KEEP
HIS ASHES AROUND THE HOUSE

IN ONE OF THEM SILVER URINALS.

AND, BY THE WAY,

DON'T YOU NEVER DO THAT TO ME.

OH, NO, ARCHIE, I PROMISE.

OH, YOU GOT SOMETHING
AGAINST CREMATION?

NO, BUT WITH YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW, I'D
PROBABLY WIND UP IN THE VACUUM CLEANER.

POOR OLD JOE HOFFSINGER.

HERE TODAY, GONE
TOMORROW. THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.

ANOTHER VICTIM OF
THE GRIM WEEPER.

SURE MAKES YOU THINK
ABOUT LIFE, THOUGH.

JEEZ, YOU GET MARRIED,
YOU WORK YOUR BUTT OFF

ALL YOUR LIFE TO
SUPPORT YOUR FAMILY.

AND WHAT'S YOUR BIG
REWARD IN THE END?

EVERY WEDNESDAY, THE
WIDOW SHINES YOU UP

ALONG WITH THE REST OF THE BRICS
AND BRACS ON THE MANTLE BOARD.

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
HIM DYING LIKE THAT.

MR. HOFFSINGER ALWAYS
LOOKED SO HEALTHY.

OH, JOE TOOK PRETTY
GOOD CARE OF HIMSELF.

YEAH, HIS WIFE TOLD ME HE WAS
ALWAYS TAKING VITAMIN PILLS,

AND EATING SUNFLOWER
SEEDS, AND DRINKING GOAT'S MILK.

THEN HOW DID HE DIE?

HE DROPPED DEAD JOGGING HOME
FROM THE HEALTH FOOD STORE.

POOR JOE. YOU KNOW
WHAT BOTHERED ME?

HIS SON, BERNARD, DIDN'T
EVEN COME TO THE FUNERAL.

AND THAT WAS A DISGRACE.

WELL, MA, WEREN'T YOU THE ONE TO
TELL ME THAT THEY NEVER GOT ALONG?

OH, WELL, HOW THE HELL YOU GONNA
GET ALONG WITH A KID LIKE BERNARD,

WITH HIS PAINTED
TOENAILS, CARRYING A PURSE,

AND WHISKERS DOWN
TO HIS BELLYBUTTON?

HE'S A MUSICIAN.

MUSICIAN? WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT? THE GUY'S A JERK.

PLAYS IN ONE OF
THEM ROCK GROUPS.

THAT'S A GOOD
NAME FOR THEM, TOO.

THEY ALL LOOK LIKE THEY CRAWLED
OUT FROM UNDER A GROUP OF ROCKS.

DADDY, MAYBE BERNARD
HAD A GOOD REASON

FOR NOT BEING AT THE FUNERAL.

THERE AIN'T NO GOOD REASON
FOR A THING LIKE THAT, LITTLE GIRL,

AFTER THE OLD MAN WORKING
HARD FOR HIM ALL OF HIS LIFE.

HE WANTED TO TAKE
BERNARD INTO THE BUSINESS.

AND IT WAS A VERY GOOD BUSINESS.

WHAT BUSINESS WAS THAT?

HE WAS AN EXTERMINATOR.

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN HIS TRUCK.

IT WAS COVERED WITH
ALL KINDS OF PICTURES

OF THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF BUGS

HE COULD KILL FOR YOU.

AND LAYING ON TOP WAS
THIS BIG RUBBER COCKROACH.

AND EVERY TIME JOE
DROVE DOWN THE STREET,

ITS LITTLE LEGS WOULD
GO FLYING AROUND,

LIKE IT WAS ALIVE.

BERNARD COULD'VE
HAD ALL OF THAT.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE
LUNCH THERE, HUH, EDITH?

OH, MA, I GOT EVERYTHING READY.

OH, THANKS,
GLORIA, I'LL HELP YOU.

YEAH, POOR OLD JOE HOFFSINGER.

WELL, WHAT THE HELL,
HE'S UP THERE NOW.

IN THE ATTIC?

NO, DON'T BE A SMART GUY, HEAVEN.
AND YOU KNOW I MEANT HEAVEN.

HE'S IN HEAVEN.

ST. PETER'S UP THERE MEASURING
HIM FOR HIS WINGS RIGHT NOW.

YOU MEAN THOSE
WINGS ARE TAILOR-MADE?

I ALWAYS THOUGHT
THEY CAME OFF THE RACK.

DON'T TRY AND BE A
WISE GUY, WILL YOU?

DO YOU REALLY
BELIEVE THAT STUFF?

I MOST CERTAINLY DO.

I READ MY BIBLE
AND IT'S IN MY BIBLE.

GUYS WHO GO TO HEAVEN GET
WINGS. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

FINE, ARCH, SUPPOSE
THERE IS A HEAVEN,

AND SUPPOSE WHEN YOU GET UP
THERE, YOU'RE NOT MET BY ST. PETER.

YOU'RE MET BY A RABBI.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

I'D DROP DEAD.

BUT THAT'S A STUPID "SUPPOSING
IF," BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS

THAT IN HEAVEN THERE AIN'T NO
DIFFERENCES OF RACE OR COLOR.

EVERYBODY'S EQUAL,
WHITE CHRISTIANS.

WHAT ABOUT HELL, ARE THERE
ANY WHITE CHRISTIANS IN HELL?

YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL
OR YOU'RE GONNA FIND OUT.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
YOU AIN'T GOT NO RESPECT IN YOU.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH JOE
HOFFSINGER'S SON BERNARD.

THAT'S THE THANKS JOE GOT, AFTER
BRINGING THAT KID INTO THE WORLD.

WHAT THANKS SHOULD HE GET? I
MEAN, GEE, I THINK IF YOU BRING A KID

INTO THE WORLD NOWADAYS,
YOU OWE AN APOLOGY.

I KNOW, IF IT WAS UP TO ME, I WOULDN'T
BE BORN INTO THIS ROTTEN WORLD.

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THE WORLD TODAY?

WELL, FOR ONE THING,
IT'S TOO CROWDED.

NOT FOR ME, IF IT'S
TOO CROWDED FOR YOU,

WHY DON'T YOU STEP OFF OF IT?

ARCH, THERE ARE OVER 4 BILLION
PEOPLE IN THE WORLD TODAY.

WE DON'T HAVE FOOD
TO FEED HALF OF THEM.

AND IN 25 YEARS, ASIA ALONE
IS GONNA HAVE 4 BILLION.

WHO'S GONNA TAKE CARE
OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE?

GOD.

OH, WELL, T-THAT'S A RELIEF.
HOW'S HE GONNA DO THAT?

LIKE HE ALWAYS
DONE IT IN THE PAST.

ANYTIME HE FIGURED
THE WORLD WAS TOO FULL,

GOD, IN HIS INFINITE
MERCY, GAVE US WARS,

OR EARTHQUAKES, FLOODS,

DISEASES, AND
PESTILENTIARIES LIKE THAT.

IT'S NICE TO HAVE AN INTELLIGENT
CONVERSATION WITH YOU.

FOOD'S ON.

YOU DON'T REALLY MEAN THAT,
BECAUSE THE TROUBLE WITH YOU IS,

LIKE I SAID BEFORE, THAT
YOU AIN'T GOT NO RESPECT.

ARCH, RESPECT HAS TO BE EARNED.

SO DOES A LIVING, BUT THAT
DON'T MEAN NOTHING TO YOU.

I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, THERE'S
A BIG "HATE YOUR PARENTS" MOVEMENT

GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY

IN THE U.S. OF A., BUT IT WASN'T
AN AMERICAN THAT STARTED IT.

IT WAS A GERMAN HEAD SHRINKER
BY THE NAME OF SIGMUND FROOS.

FREUD ONLY SAID THAT PARENTS
CAN CREATE A LOT OF PROBLEMS.

OH, HE'S WACKY.

PARENTS CREATE CHILDREN AND
CHILDREN CREATE THE PROBLEMS,

INCLUDING YOU, LITTLE GIRL.

ME? WHAT PROBLEMS
DID I EVER CAUSE?

WELL, TIP A GLANCE
TO YOUR RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY, ARCH.

NO, IT'S SAD AND IT'S TERRIBLE.

DADDY, I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN.

OH, WELL, NOW YOU'RE HERE, I
MEAN, WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO,

GET YOUR VOTE? LOOK AT THIS. SEE,
SEE THIS IS THE APPRECIATION YOU GET

FOR MAKING A BIG DECISION
TO BRING A KID INTO THIS WORLD.

OH, BIG DECISION.
COME OFF IT, ARCH.

THE ONLY REASON A
LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE KIDS

IS BECAUSE THEY FORGET TO
MAKE A TRIP TO THE DRUGSTORE.

CAN'T YOU KEEP YOUR
MOUTH SHUT ABOUT NOTHING?

I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING.

OH.

OH, MA.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU USED TO ALWAYS CALL
ME YOUR LITTLE PINK BUNDLE FROM HEAVEN?

WELL, YOU CAN'T DO THAT ANYMORE

'CAUSE I JUST FOUND OUT I
WAS A SURPRISE PACKAGE.

WELL, NOW YOU KNOW, KIND
OF KEEP IT INDOORS, HUH?

THINGS LIKE THAT HAPPEN
IN THE BEST OF FAMILIES.

WELL, THAT WON'T HAPPEN TO
ME AND MICHAEL, HUH, HONEY?

THAT'S RIGHT. WE'RE NOT
GONNA HAVE ANY KIDS.

WHAT?

I SAID, WE'RE NOT GONNA
HAVE ANY KIDS. WHAT?

YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.

OH, NO, MA. HE MEANS
WHILE WE'RE LIVING HERE.

WHAT?

NO, GLORIA, I MEAN WE'RE NOT
GONNA HAVE ANY KIDS, PERIOD.

WHAT? YOU DIDN'T TALK ABOUT
THAT WHEN WE GOT MARRIED.

WHAT?

A LOT OF THINGS HAVE
CHANGED SINCE THEN.

WHAT DID YOU DO, MEATHEAD,
SNEAK OFF TO SOME CHIROPRACTOR

AND GET YOURSELF FIXED?

NO, ARCH, I JUST DON'T FEEL IT'S RIGHT
TO BRING KIDS INTO THE WORLD TODAY.

JUST LIKE THAT, YOU DECIDE WE'RE
NOT GONNA HAVE ANY CHILDREN?

NOT JUST LIKE THAT, GLORIA. I'VE
BEEN THINKIN' ABOUT IT FOR A LONG TIME.

MICHAEL, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST AT
LEAST DISCUSS IT WITH YOUR WIFE FIRST?

HE DIDN'T DISCUSS
IT WITH ME, NEITHER.

I WAS GONNA TELL YOU!

TELL ME? HOW ABOUT ASK ME?

I THOUGHT OUR MARRIAGE WAS A
PARTNERSHIP, NOT A DICTATORSHIP.

THIS GUY'S A
DICTATOR HERE. YEAH.

OH, GLORIA, BE RATIONAL.

THAT'S ANOTHER
HITLER OVER THERE.

NO, NOT A HITLER.

WHY NOT? HITLER DIDN'T HAVE
NO KIDS, HE HAD A POLICE DOG.

ARCHIE, I THINK WE BETTER GO
UPSTAIRS AND LET THEM FINISH.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, WE'RE IN THIS
AND WE'RE GONNA STAY IN THIS.

YOU SIT DOWN. ARCH,
THIS DOESN'T CONCERN YOU.

THAT KID THAT YOU DON'T WANNA
HAVE HAPPENS TO BE MY GRANDSON.

OR GRANDDAUGHTER.

WELL, WHATEVER.

ALL RIGHT, MICHAEL,
YOU TOLD ME SOMETHING,

NOW I'M GONNA
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I HAVEN'T BEEN TAKING THE
PILL FOR THE LAST 6 WEEKS.

AH, JEEZ, PRIVATE, PRIVATE.

SURPRISE.

YOU WOULDN'T DO
THAT TO ME, WOULD YOU?

WOULDN'T I?

YOU WOULD, YOU WOULD.

SHE WOULD, SHE DID.

I DIDN'T.

I DID NOT, AND YOU
KNOW WHY I DIDN'T?

BECAUSE I WOULDN'T DO A THING LIKE
THAT WITHOUT CONSULTING YOU FIRST.

BECAUSE I'M HONEST.

WHAT... WHAT ARE
YOU SAYING I'M NOT?

WELL, IF THE SHOE FITS,

KICK YOURSELF WITH IT.

YEAH, MEATHEAD. AND IF
THE SHOE DON'T FIT YOU,

GIVE IT TO ME AND
I'LL KICK YOU WITH IT.

ARCH, WILL YOU BUTT OUT OF THIS?
THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

THE HELL IT AIN'T.

YOU KNOW, THIS FAMILY COULD
DIVORCE YOU FOR HOLDING BACK.

A LOT OF PEOPLE
DON'T WANNA HAVE KIDS!

YEAH, WELL, I KNOW OF ONE POLISH
COUPLE I WISH WOULD'VE THOUGHT THAT WAY.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY

I APOLOGIZE, I WAS WRONG, OK?

OK, NOW, WHEN DO
WE HAVE THE BABY?

I WASN'T WRONG ABOUT THAT.

I... I WAS JUST WRONG NOT
TO DISCUSS IT WITH YOU.

WELL, WE'RE DISCUSSING IT
NOW AND YOU'RE STILL WRONG.

WHEN WE GOT MARRIED YOU
PROMISED ME 2 THINGS, MICHAEL STIVIC,

A HOME AND A FAMILY.

NOW I FIND OUT THAT YOU
MEANT MY HOME AND MY FAMILY.

GLORIA, LET... LET'S NOT
CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

CAN WE STICK TO ONE
FIGHT AT A TIME, PLEASE?

YOU KNOW, MICHAEL,
YOU COULD'VE COME TO ME.

I... I'M REALLY NOT
THAT HARD TO FIND.

UH, WHEN YOU GET IN THIS BED,
I'M THE FIRST GIRL ON YOUR LEFT.

YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT
IT? FINE, WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT.

BOY, YOU SURE HAD ME FOOLED.

I CAN REMEMBER A
WEEK, ABOUT 4 YEARS AGO,

WHEN ALL YOU COULD DO WAS CRY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHEN I HAD THE MISCARRIAGE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE A HYPOCRITE.

IT'S TAKEN ME 4 YEARS TO
FIND OUT YOU HATE CHILDREN.

I DON'T HATE CHILDREN,
GLORIA. I LOVE CHILDREN.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T WANNA BRING
ANY INTO THE WORLD THE WAY IT IS NOW.

OH, COME ON. STOP
PLAYING HAMLET.

AND YOU STOP BEING
SO DAMN NAIVE, GLORIA.

TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU, IF YOU
CAN SEE THROUGH THE POLLUTION.

YOU WANNA TAKE A KID
TO THE BEACH NOWADAYS?

YOU DON'T GIVE HIM A SAND
PAIL, YOU GIVE HIM A GARBAGE PAIL.

OK, MR. ECOLOGY. BUT
ALL THAT CAN CHANGE.

THEY'RE GONNA CLEAN
UP THE AIR, TOO. OH, YEAH?

OH, YEAH? WHAT ABOUT SPRAY CANS?

WHAT? YEAH, YEAH.

HERE, RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS A KILLER.

OH, SO NOW MY HAIR
SPRAY'S A KILLER?

YEAH, YOUR HAIR SPRAY, MY
DEODORANT, ALL SPRAY CANS.

I READ THAT THERE ARE GASES
INSIDE THESE CANS, GLORIA,

THAT SHOOT UP INTO THE AIR
AND CAN DESTROY THE OZONE.

WHAT'S THE OZONE?

OZONE IS A PROTECTIVE SHIELD
THAT SURROUNDS THE EARTH

THAT PROTECTS US AGAINST ULTRAVIOLET
RAYS. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CAN DO?

YEAH, THEY CAN
GIVE YOU A SUNBURN.

SURE, WHEN THE OZONE'S
THERE. BUT WHEN IT'S ALL GONE

YOU CAN GET SKIN CANCER, AND GOD KNOWS
WHAT IT CAN DO TO THE PLANTS AND CROPS.

WELL, ALL RIGHT, MICHAEL.

LET'S COMPROMISE.

YOU LET ME HAVE A BABY AND
I'LL LET YOU HAVE MY HAIR SPRAY.

YOU HAVEN'T HEARD
ONE WORD I'VE SAID.

GLORIA, SOME SCIENTISTS
ARE SAYING THAT IN 10 YEARS,

AT THE RATE THE OZONE'S GOING,
THIS WORLD IS GONNA BE IN BIG TROUBLE.

WELL, MICHAEL, YOU JUST CAN'T
GO ON BEING AFRAID OF LIFE.

I'M NOT AFRAID OF LIFE,
GLORIA, I'M JUST FACING IT.

OH...

DON'T CRY.

FIRST, YOU TELL ME I
CAN'T HAVE A FAMILY

AND NOW YOU SAY, "DON'T
CRY." I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO.

GLORIA,

I DIDN'T SAY WE
COULDN'T HAVE A FAMILY.

WE CAN ALWAYS ADOPT.

HEY, THAT WAY, WE'D BE GIVING OUR
LOVE TO A KID THAT'S ALREADY BEEN BORN.

WELL, MAYBE LATER.

BUT FIRST IT'S IMPORTANT
TO ME, AS A WOMAN,

TO... TO TRY TO
HAVE ONE OF MY OWN.

WHY? WHY?

WHY IS THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING IN LIFE, T-T-TO GIVE BIRTH?

W-WHAT'RE YOU, A BABY MACHINE?

SOME BABY MACHINE, I CAN'T
EVEN TURN OUT ONE COPY.

HONEY.

MICHAEL, DON'T YOU TOUCH
ME UNLESS YOU MEAN BUSINESS.

DO YOU THINK,
MAYBE, THEY MADE UP?

IT'S GOTTEN AWFUL QUIET
UP IN THEIR BEDROOM.

NAH.

IF THEY MADE UP, THEIR
BEDROOM'D BE ANYTHING BUT QUIET.

I WONDER WHY MIKE REALLY
DON'T WANNA HAVE CHILDREN.

EDITH, BECAUSE HE'S AN ATHEIST.

AND THE ATHEIST RELIGION
DON'T BELIEVE IN THE BIBLE.

WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?

IT'S GOT EVERYTHING TO DO
WITH IT, EDITH, IT'S IN THE BIBLE,

THE LORD GIVES NORMAL
PEOPLE A DIRECT ORDER.

HE SAYS, "YE SHALL BE
FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY."

AND "YE" MEANS EVERYBODY, RIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT. YE IS
THE PLURABLE OF YOU.

"AND YE SHALL BE

FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY."

OH, MY.

DON'T GOD GOT A NICE
WAY OF PUTTING THINGS?

I WONDER IF HE COULD DO
SOMETHING ABOUT ME BEING A GRANDMA.

I'LL GET IT.

"BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY."

AND I'M STUCK WITH A SON-IN-LAW

WHO ONLY WANTS TO BREAK EVEN.

EDITH, I GOT YOUR
GAS BILL BY MISTAKE.

OH, THANKS, IRENE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU PAY
IT BY MISTAKE, IRENE?

COME ON, ADMIT IT.
I'M MAKING SENSE.

THERE'S NOTHING
TO ADMIT, MICHAEL.

I WANT A BABY. SO
LEAVE ME ALONE.

SHE WANTS A BABY,
LEAVE HER ALONE.

SHE'LL NEVER GET
IT THAT WAY, ARCHIE.

IRENE, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO HAVE SOME LUNCH?

OH, JUST COFFEE, THANKS.

EDITH, AM I INTERRUPTING
ANYTHING HERE?

OH, NO, IT'S ALREADY HAPPENED.

TELL IRENE THE
TRUTH THERE, EDITH.

WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE MEAT
HEAD AND GLORIA AIN'T GONNA HAVE NO KIDS

AND IT'S HIS FAULT.

OH, I'M SORRY, MIKE.

WAS IT THE MUMPS
YOU HAD LAST YEAR?

WHAT MUMPS? I DIDN'T HAVE ANY
MUMPS. I HAD 2 WISDOM TEETH REMOVED.

THAT SHOULDN'T DO IT.

WELL, WITH HIM YOU NEVER KNOW.

IRENE, I JUST DON'T WANNA
HAVE ANY KIDS, THAT'S ALL.

MIKE SAYS THAT THE WORLD
AIN'T A SAFE PLACE FOR BABIES.

IT'S NOT A SAFE
PLACE FOR ADULTS.

YEAH, SEE, SEE,
IRENE AGREES WITH ME.

SHE KNOWS WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.

E-EVEN SOME CATHOLICS ARE
USING THE PILL THESE DAYS, RIGHT?

I THINK THEY'RE USING
THEIR INDIVIDUAL CONSCIENCE.

YEAH, WELL, A LOT
OF THEM CATHOLICS

ARE USING THEIR CONSCIENCES
IN SECRET, YOU KNOW.

LIKE, WHAT DO YOU
CALL, UNDER THE COVERS?

HAVE YOU THOUGHT
ABOUT ADOPTION, MIKE?

SURE, I'M ALL FOR IT.

OH, WHAT ARE YOU
BRINGING UP ADOPTION FOR?

WELL, THAT WAY, THEY'D BE TAKING
CARE OF A CHILD THAT'S ALREADY HERE.

WHATEVER THEY DO, I'LL BE TAKING
CARE OF THE WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM.

LOOK, MIKE,

FRANK AND I HAD THE SAME DOUBTS

ABOUT BRINGING A
CHILD INTO THIS WORLD.

AND THEN FRANK SAID:

"WHO KNOWS, MAYBE A CHILD OF
OURS WILL CHANGE THE WORLD.

MAYBE WE'LL GIVE BIRTH TO
ANOTHER ABRAHAM LINCOLN."

JEEZ, YOU MISSED THAT
BY A MILE, DIDN'T YOU?

WE CAME PRETTY CLOSE.

ONE OF THEM IS TALL,
SKINNY, AND POOR.

GOODBYE, ARCHIE. OUCH! JEEZ,

IRENE. WHAT DID I DO?

YOU GAVE ME A CARPET SHOCK.

MIKE, WHATEVER YOU
DECIDE, I LOVE YOU BOTH. BYE.

BYE, IRENE.

MIKE, I GOTTA CONFESS.

I WAS LOOKIN' FORWARD
TO BEING A GRANDMA.

WE WAS BOTH LOOKING
FORWARD TO BEING GRANDMA.

HAVIN' A LITTLE GRANDSON

I COULD TAKE TO THE PARK,

OR A GRANDDAUGHTER,

WHOSE HAIR I COULD CURL

AND DRESS UP IN PRETTY CLOTHES.

AND WE COULD ALL BE TOGETHER

ON THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS

AND SAY GRACE

AND LAUGH A LOT AND HAVE FUN.

WHERE'D YOU GET THE IDEA
THAT THAT'S HOW FAMILY LIFE IS?

SHE'S ALWAYS
WATCHING THE WALTONS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

LOOK AT ALL THE KIDS THEY GOT.

OH, MY, MIKE, IF THE
WALTONS THOUGHT LIKE YOU

THEY WOULDN'T
EVEN HAVE A TV SHOW.

MA?

YOU DON'T THINK
I'M WRONG, DO YOU?

I MEAN, I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT
SELFISH OF ME TO WANT A BABY.

OH, NO, GLORIA. YOU'RE A WOMAN.

EVERY WOMAN WANTS A BABY.

IT MAKES HER FEEL USEFUL.

IS THAT THE WAY I MADE YOU FEEL?

OH, SURE. AND I
LOVED MY LITTLE GIRL.

BUT, MA,

WHAT IS THERE TO MAKE
YOU FEEL USEFUL NOW?

I'M NOT A LITTLE GIRL ANYMORE.

WELL,

I WAS LOOKING FORWARD

TO ANOTHER 20 YEARS
WITH MY GRANDCHILDREN.

I WOULDN'T COUNT
ON IT, IF I WAS YOU, MA.

OH, GLORIA, DON'T WORRY.

MIKE'LL SEE IT YOUR WAY.

WAIT TILL YOU MOVE
INTO YOUR OWN PLACE,

HE'LL CHANGE HIS MIND.

NO, MA,

MICHAEL'S GOT TOO MANY
STRONG ARGUMENTS AGAINST IT.

WELL, YOU GOT STRONG
ARGUMENTS FOR IT.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH YOUR
LIFE IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A BABY?

I MEAN,

THAT'S THE MAIN THING
WOMEN WAS MEANT TO DO.

THE MAIN THING? YEAH.

YOU GOTTA ADMIT,
WE WAS BUILT FOR IT.

IF WE WASN'T MEANT
TO HAVE BABIES,

WE'D ALL BE MEN.

EXCUSE ME, MA. OH, YEAH, SURE.

MICHAEL? YEAH.

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

GLORIA?

WHAT... WHAT MADE
YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?

MA DID.

HOW DID I DO THAT?

MA,

I BELIEVE A... A WOMAN'S
MEANT TO BE A PERSON FIRST,

AND... AND THEN MAYBE A MOTHER.

I DON'T NEED TO GIVE BIRTH TO
A BABY TO MAKE ME FEEL USEFUL.

I'M USEFUL. I KNOW YOU ARE.

GLORIA,

DOES THAT MEAN YOU
DON'T WANT TO HAVE A BABY?

OH, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

I DON'T KNOW, I...

I JUST WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

HOW 'BOUT A BEER OUT HERE?

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT THE HELL'S
GOING ON OUT THERE?

WELL, THEY JUST MADE UP.

IS HE GONNA DO HIS DUTY AND
COME UP WITH THE CONJUGALS?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK MIKE HAS GOT
GLORIA THINKING HIS WAY.

AND I'M THINKING THAT
WE'LL NEVER BE A GRANDMA.

OH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT NOTHIN' LIKE THAT.

SHE'S GOT THE WHOLE
CONTROL OVER THAT, ANYHOW.

YOU WANT TO ENSURE IT,
I TELL YOU WHAT YOU DO.

YOU PICK YOUR TIME, YOU
DUCK INTO THEIR BEDROOM.

YOU KNOW GLORIA'S
BIRTH PATROL PILLS?

YEAH.

OUT THE WINDOW
AND OVER THE FENCE.

OH, ARCHIE. NO, I... DO WHAT

I TELL YOU.

WE'LL BE BACK IN THE
GRANDMA BUSINESS,

AND THE PILLS'LL WORK
ON THE JEFFERSONS' CAT.

ALL IN THE FAMILY WAS
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