All language subtitles for What.We.Do.in.the.Shadows.S03E09.A.Farewell.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb

Mom.

Mom.

The President kissed me.

Let's try this.

What does this look like? Huh?

Nandor's deprogramming is
taking longer than we thought.

Bat. Okay, let's try this.
Who am I?

"It's me, Nandor.
The world's greatest vampire."

I'm you.

Okay, how about this?

Well, well, well.

Seems like what we have here is
a failure to communicate.

The prisoner will be reminded
not to try to bend these bars,

- or he might just end up
getting the prod.

It's, uh...
it's, uh, getting hot.

It got hot.

Can I have the--
Thank you, Nandor.

So, it has come to this?

My own friends imprisoning me

on the word of
my own simpleminded familiar.

- Bodyguard.
- Familiar.
Nandor,

we are just trying to help you.

I mean, look at you.
You are clearly brainwashed.

I am not brainwashed.

For years I have single-handedly
held this house together.

- You mock me.

You disrespect me,
you contradict me.

Uh, no, we don't.

Laszlo.

You are the laziest vampire
I have ever had

the misfortune of meeting.

Thank you.

Born with a silver dick
in your mouth.

- Huh.
- Never even lifted a hand
to help me in this house.

- Nope.
- Because they were both
too occupied

giving constant self-pleasure.

Nadja,
you openly laugh and mock me

for my romantic tribulations.

- Which are a cause
of great pain for me.

And when it comes to matters
of the Vampiric Council,

when I say to do A,

it is guaranteed
that you will say, "Do B."

Uh, do me next.
This is fun.

I would not even
remember your name

if it was not written
on a piece of paper

that I keep in my pocket
at all times.

- Shit, Nandor. That's low.
- Yeah.

That wasn't as fun
as I thought it might be.

And you!

I finally find a place
where I am happy.

You drag me away from
my new life back into this hell.

I'm sorry, Master.

I am sick and tired
of being sick and tired,

which is why I've decided
there is only one solution.

It is time...

for me to take a Super Slumber.

- No, no, no, no. That's-- No.
Oh, it can't be.

- That's a terrible idea.
- What's happening?

What's happening?

♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long♪

♪ They have no use
for your song♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone♪

♪ You sold out your dream
to the world♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead♪

♪ You're dead
and out of this world.♪

A Super Slumber is
an act performed

by the most desperate
of vampire.

It is basically
a vampire hibernation.

It is performed when times are
particularly hard for vampires.

A way of sitting out
a bad epoch in history.

The Super Slumber consists
of a vampire

- sleeping for either
50 years, 100 years,

or worst-case scenario,

up to 300 years.

It is a choice worse than death.

Those who enter
Super Slumber fall

into a dark,
dreamless existence.

When they wake,
they are weak, pathetic, empty,

- starved nothings.
- And every human being
they knew is dead,

and every vampire they knew is
scattered to the four winds

and started a new life
without them.

It really is the most desperate
measure for any vampire.

And it must be respected.

I wish it had not come to this,
but it has.

Perhaps we will
see each other again.

But probably not.

- Nandor, if I may?
- Yes.

"Nandor the Relentless,

"I have enjoyed
our time together

- at the Vampiric Council
where we have achieved so much."
- Mm.

Because together we get it done.

"May this Super Slumber ease
your pain,

"and may you awaken to a world

that is kinder to you
than we have been."

Thank you, Nadja.

- I, too, have written something.
Yes.

"Nan."

- That's it.

Sorry, old chap, I thought I'd
written more, but I haven't.

- Thank you for that kind word.

There, there, Colin Robinson.

Let not my departure upset you.

No, it's not that.
It's just...

I can't help but think
that you're doing this

to get out of coming to
my 100th birthday party tonight.

I did not even know that
it was your birthday today.

And that's another reason
I'm crying!

Okay, well...

kind of thought this moment was
gonna be a bit more about me,

but, uh, anyway, thank you all.

And now,
I bid you all farewell.

Oh, farewell.
- Farewell. Farewell.

And...

Don't film us like this.

Colin, come on.

- Eat shit.

Aye. Thank you.

Let go of my hand!

I wish you weren't doing this,
Master.

My dear Guillermo.

You will miss me.

Close the lid.

Please, guys.

Does everything have to be
on camera?

Just-- can you please
just give me like a minute?

Just please.

Well...

what's done is done.

I come bearing news.

Why can't you use a fucking door
like anyone else?

What's the point of
being able to turn into smoke

if you're just going to
go around using doors?

- What is your news?

"The Supreme Worldwide
Vampiric Council

"has invited you to receive

"a delegation
from the Old World...

-"...here at your home,

"with the intent of inspecting

the progress you've made thus
far in running the council."

This is a huge honor for us,

but like all huge honors,
it's a pain in the nutsack.

- But a huge honor all the same.
- Yes.

I have always dreamed of meeting
someone important.

No one important
ever came to our village.

There was one time
that the rubbish man came

to collect all the shit,
and he assigned, uh,

pieces of rubbish for
the children and autographed it.

We danced for
the next three months,

so you can imagine
this is just...

Wow! Very exciting for me.

And when will this
delegation be arriving?

Let's see, on the night of...

tonight.

- What?
- At the hour of 8:30.

8:30 tonight?

- Mm-hmm.
This is all very,
very soon.

Maybe they could come
tomorrow night,

and then we could
really lay on a really...

The Supreme Worldwide
Vampiric Council

does not shift things around
in their book!

All right, all right.
Keep your hair on.

I've already arranged for some
local vampires to come round

for Colin Robinson's birthday.

The more the merrier.

- Wait. I-I have to share
my birthday party with a...
Yes!

You're lucky to have
a birthday party!

It's true. And now,
you and Nandor should prepare

some remarks about running
the council together.

- They're very intrigued.
Well, the thing is...

- 8:30 is perfect, thank you.
Wonderful.

Geez Louise.

- Ideas?
- I should wake him up?

- We'll just wake him up.
I should
wake him up.

- Wake him up.
- Okay.

Master?

Master, I'm sorry.

Master?

Who is there,
and what is going on?

Sorry, it's me, Guillermo.
Sorry.

Wow.

800 years really went by
so fast.

- Well, that's because
technically...
- Oh.

Guillermo, you look awful.

- Okay.
- The ravages of time have
not been kind to you

and your formerly boyish face.

Okay, well, it's because it--
not a lot of time has gone...

- Tell me.
- You've been asleep
for 30 minutes.

Then why are you waking me up?!

This is not an emergency at all.

But we have told everyone

that we are coleaders
of the council.

Fine. I hereby
relinquish my control.

You are now sole leader.

Congratulations,
long live the Queen.

- Good night forever.
- But the delegation is going
to think...

- Nandor, come back. Come back.
What?

Why don't you just delay
your Super Slumber

a couple of days?

You wouldn't miss
Colin Robinson's birthday.

- Why do you have
such a cock up...
- Why would I give

- a flying fuck about that?
-...for Colin Robinson's
birthday?

Just inform the delegation
that I was a threat to power,

so you killed me.

You rule without mercy,
remember?

- They love that shit.
- That would be
a humiliating end for you.

Who cares? Not me.

So, good night, forever.

See you in 100 years,
probably not.

Master, I really wish
you weren't doing this.

Again with the "make me
a vampire" shit?

No. No, no, I don't even
care about that anymore.

- I just...
I don't want you to go.

So just stick around
for the next 100 years,

and we'll be together again
when I wake up.

I'll be 130 years old, aka dead.

You don't know that.

So maybe you should spend
the next 100 years

practicing to be
less of a pessimist.

- I'm closing the lid now,
thank you.
- No, w...

Guillermo!
- Sorry.

Just boarding your door.

Guillermo, what time is it,
and where is Colin Robinson?

- 8:28.

And he's on his way.

Shit, you haven't signed
his card.

That's Colin Robinson's
favorite song.

- Oh.
- Oh, good.

You guys added "The Hamster
Dance" to the playlist.

- I-I want to make sure
you gather around me

in a circle
when I do the Humpty Hump.

You betcha.

Oh, they're here!
Everyone line up. Positions.

The Contessa Carmilla De Mornay.

This is Contessa
Carmilla De Mornay.

She's 1,000 years old,
possibly did it with a horse.

Contessa,
it is such an honor.

The pleasure is mine.

Please, if you make
your way upstairs,

your blood banquet awaits you.

- Oh! Thank you.

Dominykas The Dreadful.

This is Dominykas The Dreadful.

It is said that
he started the fire

that burned down
the great Library of Alexandria.

- Well, me and another guy.

Dominykas The Dreadful's
human lady friend, Coco.

What?
What?

Okay, uh, so this is...

My companion.

- Partner.
- Girlfriend.

She keeps me young.

Yeah, we're engaged
to be engaged.

I don't want to put
a label on what we have,

- which really is so special.
- Welcome. If you head upstairs,

the blood banquet does await.

You know he's not going to die.

You're not going to get
his money.

- I'm gonna do
the Humpty Hump later.

This gentleman needs
no introduction.

He's very well-known to me.

This is Quinn,
the great vampire.

Right-hand man of Deacon Frost
of the House Erebus.

Just a role I played.
Donal Logue.

- So nice to meet you.
- Wait, so Donal Logue is

- on the Worldwide
Vampiric Council?
- Yeah.

I kind of got jumped in
after Blade came out.

But you are a vampire, yes?

Yes. Kind of a funny story.

I was not a vampire
when I filmed Blade,

but it was such a fun shoot

and I sort of fell in love
with the lifestyle,

so I decided to jump in
and go whole hog.

- Donal.

Please, head upstairs, everyone.

- The blood banquet awaits.
- And it's my birthday.

Do you happen to have
any human food for my consort?

She doesn't like blood,

and she doesn't care much
for grown-up food, either.

Uh, Guillermo,
do we have a-- Oh.

Okay.
Bon appétit.
Your wish is my command.

There you go and voilà.

- Chicken nuggies
for the young lady

with a side of spaghetti
with only butter.

- Oh, my gosh. Okay, we need
the name of your chef.

Do you have any ranch?

Ranch for the human consort!

Oh, my God, she's loud.

More blood, anyone?

- May I?
- Oh, of course.

- That is what
they're there for.
- Oh, thank you.

Exquisite.

You must try him, but just a sip

- and pass him along.
- Oh, yes.

Thank you for sharing, Donal.

I say,

has everyone remembered to sign
Colin Robinson's birthday card?

You have all met
my wonderful husband, Laszlo.

Fuck off, Laszlo.

So, where is your coleader?

The famed Nandor The Relentless.

Ah, um, good--
The Nandor, yes, um...

Nandor was a threat to my power,

so, uh, in order to run
the council correctly,

I, um...

had no choice but to...

kill him dead.

- You what?

Excuse me?

- Excellent work, Nadja.

- How deliciously cutthroat.
- Huh.

You got to do what you
got to do and you did it.

I cannot hate on that.

- Oh!

I killed him.

In order to pay our final
respects to a vanquished foe,

could we...

see his body?

- Fix it.
- Okay.

Nothing would make me happier

than seeing the dead body
of your vanquished foe.

Master? Master? Master?

- Master?

You are kidding, right?

I have been in Super Slumber
for, what,

20 minutes? Half an hour?

- It's actually been two hours.
- Oh, great.

A nice two-hour-long
Super Slumber.

I've had orgasms that
have lasted longer than that.

- Really?
- Yes!

And it's not as pleasant
as it might sound.

Well, as you know, the
delegation is here, and...

- Get to the good bit.
- Well, you need to pretend

to be dead so the delegation
can come see your dead body

and make sure that
you're actually dead.

Why did you not
just bring them in

and show me in Super Slumber?

A state that
so closely resembles death

no one would ever know
the difference.

Well, what if you
accidentally woke up

in the middle of
them looking at your body?

That's a good point,

but I think the point
I'd like to make

no one accidentally wakes up

- from a Super Slumber!
- Oh.

Not unless you come in here
and wake them up.

- Okay, well now that's--
that makes-- that's clear.
- Is it, though?

Because it really seems
like it's not quite sinking in.

So... can I...

Yes, fine,
just bring these dummies in

and show them my dead body
so we can get this over with,

and I can finally commence
my long overdue

- and this time completely
uninterrupted-- Hey!
Guillermo?

Yes, a dead body.

Guillermo? Is the body
ready for viewing yet?

- Yes, Mistress. It is.
Okay.

Everybody, come around. Please.

We're going to take
a very quick look

'cause it is going to be
very sad.

Very quick.
Okay.

Front row seat.
- Reveal the corpse.

All right.

- And there it is
and that's enough.
- And then we...

It's just a very great loss
for vampiredom.

- Mm-hmm.
- Very sad.

He truly was one of the greats.

Was he, though? Eh.

As a warrior, yes, he was.

As a vampire, he was... okay.

Pretty good.

The jury is still out
on his legacy, I suppose.

I don't disagree.

Nandor The Relentless,
we hardly knew ye.

May he sleep well.

- Yes.
- You know,

we grow so weary
of eternal life,

and yet when we come
face-to-face with eternal death,

it really makes you think about
big things, doesn't it?

Yes, it does.

Speaking of big things,

I have heard that
in addition to being

a ferocious
and merciless warrior,

that Nandor
The Relentless had...

Yes!

I have heard this as well.

Heard what?

Oh, how to put this
respectfully?

Uh, it is said that he had one
of the most impressive members

- in all of vampiredom.

Both in length and in girth.

- Well, that's true.
Is it?

Um, I've heard--
I've also heard it said.

- Shall we take a peek?

Just for funsies?

- Oh.
- No.
- Just for funsies.

Oh, I-I think that would be
very disrespectful.

Dude is fucking dead.
It's not like he's gonna care.

I, too, want to see
this massive dong

with my own peepers.

Something to tell the grandkids
about when I get home.

Familiar, reveal his member.

With all due respect, Contessa,

- I'm not a familiar.

Reveal his member.

Of course.

Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

As you wish, Contessa.

Here you go.

- Step aside.

Hmm.

Hmm.
Well, there it is.

Hmm.

Huh. What do we think?

It seems pretty average to me.

Not substandard but...

nothing special, really.

- Mm.
I-I also heard

that he was more of a grower
than a shower, so...

I don't think so.

Okay, well,
we-we've done that now, so...

Look, I am not saying
it's small.

No. No, it's not small.

- No.
- Maybe it was
the density of the member

that earned such acclaim.

Oh, no.

Hmm.

Anything of note?

No, it seems to be
of average weight,

and, uh-- what's
the word I'm looking for?

Pliability?

I guess so. It's not...

Oh! "Wiggliness."

Yeah, just seems like a standard
mid-tier pecker to me.

- Hmm.
- Anyway, back to
the blood banquet.

- Is it this way?
- Yes! Everybody this way,
very quickly, come.

We don't want to...

Thank you.

- Lovely to see.
Well, that was...

much ado about nothing.
Is there a sanitizer?

Nandor could've benefited

from just a touch
of rigor mortis.

Thank you for that, Guillermo.

A wonderful send-off.

Now close the fucking lid
and get out of here.

Yes, Master.

So, now let us raise
a glass of blood

to our guests and to ourselves.

Vampires now
and vampires forever.

- Vampires forever!

Like we have a choice.

Well said, my darling,
well said.

You are a tough act to follow.

But indeed I must,
for today is an auspicious day

for a couple of reasons,
one of which...

we are joined
by such esteemed vampires.

The other happens to be
the 100th birthday

of our housemate, our friend,

and the energy vampire,
Colin Robinson.

Okay, why not?

Yes, uh, let us raise a toast
to Colin Robinson.

Cheers.

So, if every...
I remember

the first time
I met Colin Robinson,

I thought to myself, "How can
one man be so fucking dull?"

It's true to say,

he's left his mark
on Staten Island.

It's also true to say,

he's left his mark on my heart.

This is a wretched world
that we find ourselves in--

full of cruel,
disgusting people.

His main crime was
that he's dull.

I don't even particularly
like the fellow.

I mean, I can't stand the man,

but I'm proud to call him
my friend.

Please be upstanding
for Colin Robinson.

- Bravo!
- And again, Colin Robinson.

So, if you would like to
make your way to the library,

we have laid on
a live fuck show.

Yes, that's right.
Ooh!

You can take your clothes off
on the way out.

Right this way.
Yes.

Live fuck show?

What the fuck was that?

No one even knows
who Colin Robinson is,

let alone gives a bloody
piss about his birthday.

- Why are you so obsessed
with him at the moment?
- My darling.

- Colin Robinson is dying.
- What?!

What?

Colin Robinson will be dead
by sunrise.

There's nothing
we can do about it.

I've known for months.

The very first time
Colin and I were

in the Vampiric Council Library,

he began searching
for information

about energy vampires

and how they're made
and where he came from.

I knew there was a page or two
on energy vampires

in Edmund Wheelwright's
Compendium Vampirium.

But what I found shocked me.

"Energy vampires," it said,

"have a life expectancy
of exactly 100 years."

Why are you ripping that page
out of that book?

I'll wank my way
and you wank yours.

On their 100th birthday

they expire.

So, does Colin know?

He doesn't.

I haven't had the heart
to tell him.

And eventually, I realized,

better for the poor bastard
to not know at all.

Better for me
to show him a good time

during his last months of life.

Just the dudes.

And I feel I succeeded,

but I also feel this could be

- the beginning of...
- Uh...

Hey, guys.

I think I'm gonna pass on the...
the fuck-and-suck show.

I'm feeling
a little funny tummy.

I'm gonna 23 skidoo
and lie down, take a nap.

Party on, dudes.

The dying has begun.

Ooh.

Hello, Colin Robinson.

Hey, buddy.
- Hey, dudes.

Sorry I... I'm ruining
my own birthday party.

You know what, though?
I feel like I'm rallying.

Maybe we can have
some birthday fun after all.

Oh, no, no,
don't exert yourself,

- dear friend.

- No.

- Oh, okay.
Oh.

That awkward moment.

No, it happens to the best
of us, doesn't it, boys?

You know? Is there anything
we can get you?

Can someone please
fetch me a, uh,

diet ginger ale
for my funny tummy?

He'll do that,
and in the meantime,

I think you should just recall

the last 100 years' worth
of fun and friendship.

Yeah, actually
I kind of feel like

the first 100 years
of my life were wasted, so...

- Starting tomorrow,

Colin Robinson's motto is
"young, dumb and full of cum."

Well, that sounds marvelous,
and, um,

if anyone else has
anything to say,

I would say
now is the time to say it.

Okay, Colin Robinson,

I know that sometimes you...

Did you fetch him the ginger ale
for his tummy?

- Can I speak?
- Well, his stomach's not gonna
repair itself, is it?

- Can I just speak please?
- Speak.

Colin Robinson...

- I know that we're not related,
you and I or anyone.

- He farted, not me.

- Carry on.

- And I was gonna say that

we don't treat each other,
sometimes,

with the upmost respect
or kindness,

but in a weird way
we're still a family.

We're like a big family here.

I'll be right back.

Diet ginger ale.

For his tummy.

Hello, Guillermo.

Did you bring more people
to yank on my pee-pee?

No, Master.

Colin Robinson is dying,

and I figured we should all be
together for that.

Oh.

You're too late.
He's gone.

- He's dead?
Yes.

He let out one last quiet fart,

a gentle one,
and then he expired.

You guys are really incredible,
you know that?

This fucking guy is not dead.

Nandor, he's dead.

Do you not remember
the last time he was dead?

When we dug his grave
and we buried him in the ground,

and it turned out he was
faking it the whole time

just to get attention.

And that was like
the fifth time we'd fallen

for his,
"Oh, I'm dead" thing.

- Yes, well, this time
it is real, Nandor.
- Enough!

Wake up, Colin Robinson.

Hey! Wakey, wakey!

Don't make me tickle you now.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Enough of this shit.

Hey!

- Oh!

Uh-oh.

Guess he wasn't faking it.

Well, this is very sad.

♪ If after having been exposed
to someone's presence♪

♪ You feel as if you've lost
a quart of plasma♪

♪ Avoid that presence♪

♪ You need it like
you need pernicious anemia♪

♪ Don't like to hear
the word vampire around here♪

♪ Trying to improve
our public image.♪

We're not safe here.

We don't really
live in this world.

We feed off of it.

Aliens.

Mother of God!

How have you
not gone insane?

Once you sell your soul,
it's gone.

Boom!

It's breaking
all the rules.

And I'm here for that.

My name is B. J. Novak.
I wanna tell you
about this show I made.

It's a completely different
episode every time.

- Pop culture.
- Sex.

Revenge.

Here it is. Is that it?

That's it.

It happened
pretty fast.

The world
has changed.

His survivor's classified.

Nobody can know
about him.

People are going
to have to pick sides.

I think it's going
to get worse

before it gets better.

Run!

I imagine
that you attract

quite a bit
of attention.

You know, more than before.
That's for sure.