All language subtitles for Ghosts S01E04

Hey! I noticed someone
ate all the Oreos I bought,

which is crazy because
I've had them in the house

for less than 24 hours.

I didn't want to say anything,

but I think the contractor ate them.

- Liar! He is a liar!

I watched him eat the whole thing.

Cookie Bogarter!

Really? The contractor?

Yeah. And if you want to
blow up the renovations

'cause of some cookies,
I got your back 100%,

but I think that might be shortsighted.

I witnessed the gluttonous
feast; it was unseemly.

There was shame in the man's eyes.

Wait, what are you looking
at? Is it the ghosts?

Crumbs everywhere! Why not use plate?

They're telling on me, aren't they?

- You are busted.
- [SIGHS] This isn't fair.

You got a whole team of
spies watching my every move.

I mean, they don't tell me everything.

Well, one of the cookies
fell to the floor,

after which he ate it.

- Oh, you ate a floor Oreo?
- Not cool, guys!

Not cool.

I would have called it a "Flooreo."

That's just my improv
training kicking in.

[LAUGHS] Flooreo.

I wish I possessed the
ability to write that down.

♪

You know, every time I
talk to the contractor,

it's like he adds another
two weeks to the timeline,

or five grand to the budget.

Well, you know what? Here's an idea.

Next time we see him,
let's just run away.

Bulletproof plan, babe.

Hi, there. [LAUGHS]

Oh, who's this?

Henry and Margaret Farnsby.

Wealthy next-door
neighbors. Total squares.

Henry and Margaret Farnsby.
Wealthy next-door neighbors.

Total squares.

Did you just say, "total squares?"

Ghost word. I guess they're uptight.

Yeah, man, they're
all like "rules, yay!"

Oh, butterfly.

I'm Margaret Farnsby.
This is my husband, Henry.

- Hey.
- We've been dying to swing by, say welcome.

Drop off some of my
award-winning cupcakes.

First place at the St.
Anne's parish bake sale

seven years running.

Not that we like to brag.

He's lying, we love to brag.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You are so sweet. I'm
Samantha, this is Jay.

Fair warning, he's a pretty
talented chef himself.

Yeah, might give your cupcakes

a run for their money
this year, Margaret.

Well, I certainly don't think
that would be appreciated.

Oh, no, I was kidding.

Oh! [LAUGHING]

Our new neighbors are funny.

I love it!

- [SNEEZES]
- Bless you.

Pardon. Uh, allergies.

HETTY: Sneezing in
public. So unladylike.

I told her a nip of cocaine

would wipe that hay fever
right out, but does she listen?

I'm sorry, did you say cocaine?

Mm-hmm. Everyone knows cocaine's
excellent for allergies.

Okay, well, in the 1980s it
was a Schedule II narcotic.

Well, Peter, in the 1880s
it was a medical wonder drug.

From headache to hysteria,

four out of five barbers prefer cocaine.

We heard you're doing some construction,

emphasis on the "heard."

Sorry, it'll just be a little while.

We're fixing the place up.

Yeah, we're gonna turn it into
a pretty sick bed-and-breakfast.

Pretty sick?

No... Oh, sick is like,
it's a good thing.

Yeah. It's like slang.

Slang and earrings.

[LAUGHS] That's fun.

I don't love the idea of
a "pretty sick" business

adjoining our property.

Well, you know, I think,
I think you're just

getting caught up on that one phrase.

Well, I don't know if
you're aware, but the zoning

rules of our local
Historical Preservation Board

require you to seek a permit
to operate as a B and B.

Oh, I'm aware. We've
applied for all the permits.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, yeah, every single one.

Well, I-I don't see
this getting approved.

[LAUGHS] Well, uh, with all due respect,

it's not really up to you.

HENRY: Actually, it is.

You see, I'm the head of
the Preservation Board.

Enjoy those cupcakes. [BOTH LAUGH]

HETTY: Oh, I loathe the Farnsbys.

They've been the Woodstone
family rivals for generations.

Oh, yeah, their family were
also robber barons, right?

Yes, but please don't put
us in the same category.

The children that worked in
our factories were far happier.

Hey, hey, Henry! Margaret!
Wait up, wait up, wait up.

Listen, I-I think you got the
wrong impression of us, okay?

We're not some young, crazy city folk

trying to run a rock 'n' roll hotel.

No. We're not even that cool.

I mean, Jay, he plays
with action figures.

Well, I don't play with
them, 'cause if you play

with them it lowers value.

- See? Not cool.
- Okay.

Uh, you know what?
Why don't you guys just

come over for dinner
tonight, and then you'll see.

You'll see, we're-we're
just a normal couple.

Well, I suppose I wouldn't mind
a meal from a professional chef.

Yes, we'd love to come.

Great.

- Already got dessert.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]

I just want to pet you.

Whee-hee-hee.

So, I'm thinking we go
full charm offensive.

We butter them up, and then we reopen

the discussion about the B and B.

Mm-hmm.

Oh! This is too much
food for just two people.

Wait a minute, are we
having a dinner party?

Yeah, we sort of made a bad
impression on the neighbors.

Yeah, I know. I was there.

- Oh, Pete just came in.
- The arrow guy?

Or the award-winning travel
agent or the great dad.

But sure, Arrow Guy, let's go with that.

So, what time is soup on?

You know, it's kind
of a big night for us,

so I was sort of hoping
maybe you guys would

just give us some space.

Uh, yes, sir, Pete, you gots to go.

- No ghosts allowed.
- But we love dinner parties.

The smells, the fashions,
the banter. [CHUCKLES]

But sure, there's other stuff we can do.

- Yeah, is that okay?
- Yeah.

There's a spider in the
attic that's spinning

some pretty interesting stuff.

Oh, and I haven't tried to
remember all the Star Trek

characters' names in a bit.

I mean, there's Spock, obviously.

What is she talking about, we
can't attend the dinner party?

Who is coming?

Well, the Farnsbys.

All the more reason to have us.

They're terrible company.

No, Samantha will be
appreciative we're there.

She actually explicitly
said she'd appreciate it

if we were not there.

But there hasn't been
a dinner party here

in over a decade; this isn't fair.

Ah, I live for dinner parties.

The repartee, the gentle
mocking of the hostess

when she leaves the room.

"You call those potatoes, Abigail?"

[LAUGHTER]

That kind of thing, you know.

- It's settled. We shall attend.
- Yes.

Wait, what are we attending?

Guys, she was really adamant.

She does not want us there.

Oh, fine. Then, as a
compromise for Samantha,

I shall limit the guest list to me

and three ghosts of my choosing.

No, that is not what she wants.

Wait, why do you get to choose?

HETTY: Because I built this house.

And that smart aleck
question, along with your

incomplete formal attire,
leaves you out in the cold.

You can't keep me out.

No, but Thor can, as my muscle

and my dear honored guest.

Yes! Made list! Congratulations.

The other two attendees shall be...

Alberta and Isaac.

Huzzah!

I had plans, but I'll
move some things around.

Okay, this is insane. When I was alive,

I threw the party. I... I made
the par... I was the party.

Hetty, please. I need this.

This sad display certainly made
me confident in my decision.

[SCOFFS]

Welcome to our humble abode.

Thank you.

We brought you a bottle

- from our private collection.
- Thank you.

Damn, that is some
good shh... chardonnay.

Let me show you to the dining room.

Presenting neighbors
Henry and Margaret Farnsby.

- Thor, what are you doing?
- Hetty told me to.

Oh, no.

Samantha, is this tablecloth a joke?

It is for a picnic.

Ooh. What vintage is that? Let me see.

[GASPING]

No... [WHIMPERS SOFTLY]

A... Woodstone Mansion tradition!

[CHUCKLING] He is so funny.

And you are so clumsy.

Service!

So what do you guys do for fun?

You know what we've just
recently discovered is pickleball.

- Mm.
- HENRY: Yeah. Fastest growing sport

in America. That's true.

- [CHUCKLES]
- THORFINN: Boring!

- [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
- Thor tell better story

of time he battled pack of wolves.

- But it's not squash.
- No.

- That's a common misconception.
- [CHUCKLES] Mm-hmm.

She-wolf lunge at Thor.

Thor grab she-wolf by neck,

gouge eyes and then
punch in genital! [YELLS]

- ... any other sports.
- Mm.

I'm sorry. Is it my drinking?

Am I overdoing it?

I told you, honey, people notice.

Oh, no, no, I just
had an itch on my neck.

If anything, you're not drinking enough.

Little more? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Thor! No one at a classy dinner party

wants to hear about you murdering

- a pack of wolves!
- SAMANTHA: Tell me more about pickleball.

Cammy MacGregor, Tyson McGuffin...

- these are some of the giants of the sport.
- Mm-hmm.

- Not literal giants, of course. [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]

- [LAUGHS]
- Height is a huge disadvantage in pickleball...

Psst. Hey. Hetty.

Not on the list. Security?

- [GROANS]
- ... because of the height of the net and...

- Sorry.
- I... I'm actually here for Trevor.

The poor guy seems really torn up.

Now, I know Hetty said no,

- but what do you think, Sam?
- Uh, which is often

- mispronounced as "bad-mitten."
- Mm.

- [CHUCKLES] Silent "N"?
- Sam.

- No, no. [LAUGHS]
- Oh, no, can she not hear us anymore?

- Hey, Sam?
- No silent "N."

- Sam?! Sam!
- Uh, but, uh...

Enough.

Of sitting around
this table. Am I right?

Jay, why don't you take
our guests for a tour?

Okay.

Yeah.

Huh, it's a little bit weird, but...

it was an awfully creamy bisque.

JAY: Just follow me this way

and we'll walk that cream
right off. [CHUCKLES]

Okay, you guys have to
behave. There is a lot

riding on this dinner for us.

Like what?

Details aren't important.

Maybe we get general area?

Fine. We have to win over the Farnsbys

so they give us a permit
to open our B and B.

[GASPS]

But we don't want the B and B.

I know. That's why I
was hiding it from you.

A few guests at a dinner
party, we can deal with.

But a full hotel?

My God, that'd be chaos.

Oh, I wasn't thinking
it'd be anything like that.

I thought it'd be small and quaint,

like the inn on Newhart.

[CHUCKLES] Is that what
you were thinking, Sam?

I don't know what Newhartis,

but I like that you're on my side.

Really? Delightful sitcom
about a stammering innkeeper?

Nothing? It was really
popular in the '80s.

I wasn't even alive in the '80s, Pete.

Well, I'm not alive now
but I still love Newhart.

We don't want hotel!

- Absolutely not.
- Mm-mm. No.

Well, you should want hotel,

because no hotel, no me.

Who helps you watch TV?

Who is writing your memoir?

Well, actually, on that,
I do have a few notes.

If we can't build the B and B,

we're gonna have to sell this place.

And God knows who would buy it.

Certainly not somebody
who can actually see you

and do things for you and help
make your afterlives better.

So unless you want to
throw all that away,

I'm gonna need your help.

All right. We will help,

but it will be begrudgingly.

Well?

It was a hard no.

You're still not invited.

Ugh. Bummer.

Come on.

Trevor, you are not
taking this well, huh?

Okay, look, I never
told anyone this, but...

in 1999, I was left off the guest list

for a Fourth of July party on a yacht.

There were Maximmodels there.

There was...

a vodka luge that looked like cleavage.

[INHALES DEEPLY] And I heard
that a guy from Bear Stearns

made out with Natasha Henstridge.

That could've been me, Pete.

That could've been me.

Trevor, I did not understand that story

or the points you were making,

but I am so sorry.

Being left out hurts.

One time, my throuple
made love without me.

Just the two of them.

How does that even work?

Okay, guys, this isn't over.

HENRY: If you like

ordinance 6.B.12, you are going

to love ordinance 6.B.13.

- I'm at the edge of my seat.
- Makes two of us. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, gadzooks, what a
couple of lickspittles.

ALBERTA: Excuse me,

didn't Sam instruct us
to clam up our kissers?

HETTY: Yes.

If I can reserve comment

on Sam's whorish
lipstick, the rest of you

can hold your tongues.

HENRY: ... to smaller lots and-and...

Uh, everything all right?

Yes. I-I was just checking my makeup,

which, if anything,

is conservative by today's standards.

Let's say I want to turn
the garage into a man cave.

Now, that is a very
interesting question.Mm.

Uh, the garage constitutes
an existing structure,

the demolition of which
is strictly prohibited.

But, uh, making changes to the interior,

that only requires permission
from the M.R.S. department.

- M.R.S.?
- The missus.

Oh! [LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

No dinner, no peace!

No dinner, no peace!

- We're crashing the party!
- Oh, God, no.

What is the meaning of this, showing up

to a dinner party uninvited? Thorfinn.

Hey, man, this is a nonviolent protest.

- Not anymore. Come here. Hey, hey.
- [SQUEAKS]

Ooh, that looks yummy. Are
you gonna finish smelling that?

- I'm gonna make you my little farm boy!
- [GRUNTING]

Well, if everybody's just
doing what they want...

- ♪ I've had a man... ♪
- TREVOR: Thor,

- you're making them look...
- Sam? Sam.

- ... so crazy!
- [YELLS]

... any changes you like
to the interior of, uh...

[SHOUTING] Oh! His teeth are so sharp!

Hallway now!

Jay, can we please meet
up in the hallway now?

We need to check the breaker.

These lights are acting up. Excuse us.

Yeah. S... sorry.

SAMANTHA: Okay,

I'm gonna put this
plainly for all of you.

You need to back off and let us
have our dinner party in peace.

Oh, yeah! It's definitely the breaker!

HETTY: Samantha, I must protest.

We have just as much of a right

to attend this dinner party as you.

No. Because this is our house.

We've been here longer than you.

Yeah, and guess what...

we're alive.

- [GASPING] Hey.
- Ooh.

- Alive? [SCOFFS]
- Ouch.

[SCOFFS] Didn't expect you
to drop the A-word on us.

Not cool.

She is worse than wolf.

No, it... it wasn't supposed...

This is not the kind of thing
that would ever happen on Newhart.

It was gentle humor. Never at
anyone's expense. Never mean.

Unlike some people.

... and may I just say,
your duck was fantastic.

You may. And you may say it again.

[LAUGHING]

Jay, I feel terrible about the ghosts.

I know. You'll fix it later, okay?

- Eyes on the prize.
- Okay.

Should I open another one?

Ooh! Oh, I don't know.

If I let Margie have another glass,

- I might have to leave her here overnight.
- Oh.

- Fine with me. [LAUGHING]
- [LAUGHING]

Zing. [LAUGHS] Ah, ha-ha!

Oh, we're having such a good time.

This is so fun. And...

and while we're having so much fun,

I was hoping maybe we could revisit

that little zoning issue.

Uh, you guys are fun.

Maybe too much fun?

Excuse me?

This is a quiet community.

We like quiet people.

The last thing we need is

some raucous hotel hosting pool parties

and midnight raves. [CHUCKLES]

That's great, because that's
not at all what we're planning.

No, no! We're not even
thinking of this as a hotel.

It'll be more like
a... a quaint B and B.

- It's a few guests. It's a few families.
- Mm.

It's gonna be very, very wholesome.

[SNICKERS] Says Mr. Earrings.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]

It'll be like Newhart.

[GASPS SOFTLY]

Whoa.

You know Newhart?

Yeah.

I guess you could say
I know my favorite show.

- I thought it was Sex and the City.
- [SQUEAKING]

- Talk about a finale.
- Oh.

- Oh. I could. All day.
- Favorite episode?

- You... you go first.
- [SQUEALS SOFTLY] Uh...

I will. As soon as I go to the bathroom.

And you go. Separately.

But I know his schedule. [CHUCKLES] Mm.

JAY: Me, too.

Uh... yep.

Please, Pete, I need
your Newhartknowledge.

Is a sentence my wife just
said to an invisible person.

I want to help, but...

I got to stick with
my troop on this one.

Please, please, please,
please, please, please?

Seriously, man? You
just told us to get lost.

Now she's begging for reinforcements,

like she's William Howe at
the Battle of White Plains.

[LAUGHS]

No? No? No White Plains

- aficionados in the house?
- TREVOR: I love White Plains.

Went to Laurie Schender's
bat mitzvah there in '82.

Pretty exclusive invite, by the way.

The kid from Silver Spoons was there.

I feel terrible. I-I
mean, I know it seems

like I'm just saying that
now because I need your help.

But I felt bad before.

Jay can back me up.

Uh, yep. She felt really bad, people.

- Like that's worth a damn.
- These nights are a big deal for us.

It's our chance to feel human again,

even if it's only for a few hours.

But after tonight, a lot
of us are feeling less alive

than we ever have.

Look, I haven't been
around as long as you guys.

And, apparently, I still
have a lot to learn.

[INHALES] Because this isn't my house.

This is our house.

Do you really mean that, Samantha?

I really do.

I take it back.

She less bad than wolf.

SAMANTHA: Thank you, Thorfinn.

And whether you guys
want to help or not,

I want you to come back
and join us for dessert.

- All of you.
- Yes!

- All right.
- T-Money back in the game.

Well, I suppose we accept.

PETE: Now, something people don't know

- is that the show's opening credits...
- Now, something people don't know

- is that the show's opening credits...
- were filmed in New Hampshire.

- ... were filmed in New Hampshire.
- Even though, as everyone...

Even though, as we all know,

the show took place in rural Vermont.

You weren't kidding.

You know your Newhart. I am impressed.

Most people your age have absolutely

no appreciation for classic television.

- No, and forget about art...
- Ah.

... wine, cinema,

wine, jazz...

Oh, jazz, we love jazz.

If I had to name my favorite artists...

Sidney Bechet, Fletcher Henderson.

... Sidney Bechet, Fletcher Henderson.

Louis Armstrong. [CHUCKLES]

What? You talk, I listen.

HENRY: Amazing. It is so rare

to find someone who has an appreciation

for anything that came before them.

- Well, that's the problem with young people today.
- Well, that's the problem

with young people today.

Y... yes. Exactly. Exactly!

- Exactly.
- Exactly!

Exactly.

[CHUCKLING] Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Young people are the worst.

[LAUGHING]

- That was incredible.
- Right?

Call me crazy, but this
might actually work.

- Mm-hmm.
- Wait,

weren't there a lot
more of those before?

Um...

How many of those have you had today?

Uh, he had at least four.

- One?
- Cupcake Bogarter.

They're telling on me, aren't they?

I can't live like this.

- I have an idea.
- Mm-hmm.

How about a morning game of pickleball?

Uh, I don't think so.

Oh, come on, dear.

If we're not going to use
the court, then why on earth

did we tear down the
carriage house to build it?

Wait, tear down the carriage house?

- Did you hear that?
- SAMANTHA: Ooh.

Coffee and cupcakes.

- Margaret, these look delicious.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

So, just between the four of us...

"And my other brother
Darryl." Just say it.

And my other brother Darryl.

- Oh! [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHING]

There's got to be

something we can do about
this zoning issue, right?

Jay, Samantha, I am man enough to admit

when I have missed the mark.

How 'bout this?

- I'll push through the permits.
- Serious?

Oh, my God. That's amazing.

In exchange for a small donation
to the Historical Preservation Fund.

Excuse me? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

H... how big a small donation?

Well, a suggested donation is $20,000.

Uh, you can make the check out to me.

The scoundrel.

- So baller.
- Think it over.

[CHUCKLES] And, uh, thank
you... here we go, Margaret...

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes... uh, for an absolutely wonderful,

wonderful evening.

- We will show ourselves out.
- [CHUCKLES]

JAY: Thank you so much for coming!

I wasted the duck on a total shakedown.

We can't afford $20,000.

Uh, Samantha.

What?

We've come across some
information on the Farnsbys.

And the train goes in the
tunnel, out the other side.

- Well done, well done.
- Mm-hmm. Hey.

Maybe next time we'll come
to your place for pickleball.

- Oh. Oh.
- On your home court.

Where the carriage house used to be.

JAY: Wait a minute,

that would violate ordinance 6.B.13,

which says you can't
demolish existing structures.

Oh, chardonnay.

- [GHOSTS GASPING]
- ALBERTA: Take that.

- Checkmate.
- Oh... ! Your wife is drunk.

Are you trying to use my
own ordinances against me?

Oh, no, no, no, no...

Yes, that's exactly what we're doing.

- Ooh! Mmm.
- Good for her.

Mmm. Spicy lady.

Well, this would certainly
be an awkward situation...

if I hadn't been completely
kidding about the donation.

[FORCED LAUGHTER]

Congratulations on your permit.

- [CHUCKLES] Come along, Margaret.
- [DOOR OPENS]

SAMANTHA: Easy on the stairs.

And we want access to
that pickleball court!

- What? Why do we want that?
- I don't know. They made it sound fun.

Take that, Farnsbys!

Another generation
of Woodstone prevails.

And that is how we do it in our house.

Up top. No, just-just put your hand up.

- Close enough.
- [CHUCKLES] ALBERTA: Ooh, girl.

You throw one hell of a dinner party.

Yeah, maybe next time I'll get invited.

HETTY: Trevor, listen.

Don't you know that to throw
a truly exclusive party,

one needs a prominent snub.

Of course. It's like when the
Blue Room wouldn't let Leo in.

That's what put them on the map.

You knew that, in this
house, I'm the Leo?

Mm-hmm. You're the Leo.

I'm the Leo.

[WHISPERS]: I'm the Leo.

[CHUCKLING]

I am lying. It was the pants thing.

Well, I guess the ghosts spying
on us really came in handy, huh?

Uh, I don't have any personal privacy

and I'm terrified to shower,

but, yeah, I guess this time
they really came through.

Hey, which one knew
so much about Newhart?

- Oh, Pete.
- Oh! Arrow Guy!

Way to hit the target, brother.

"Arrow Guy"? Still?! Unbelievable!