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1
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:04,400
[PHONE BEEPS]
Maxwell, we can get this kid.
2
00:00:04,433 --> 00:00:07,123
His parents said yes,
his agent said yes.
3
00:00:07,150 --> 00:00:08,480
Now, shall I call L.A.
and close the deal or not?
4
00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:11,660
I don't know, C.C.
5
00:00:11,100 --> 00:00:13,350
A sitcom star
in a revival ofOliver!
6
00:00:13,383 --> 00:00:14,453
What are we gonna
to call it,
7
00:00:14,483 --> 00:00:15,253
Eight Orphans is Enough?
8
00:00:18,416 --> 00:00:22,656
Maxwell, this kid is on
every lunchbox in America.
9
00:00:22,100 --> 00:00:24,300
This is little Kippy
fromRoyal Flush.
10
00:00:24,333 --> 00:00:25,333
Never heard of it.
Niles?
11
00:00:26,216 --> 00:00:28,826
Oh, I'm not much
for sitcoms, sir.
12
00:00:28,116 --> 00:00:29,446
Well,Mr. Belvedere,Benson...
13
00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:34,656
Anything, really,
where the butler is
14
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:34,480
the smartest member
of the family.
15
00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:38,480
Maxwell, I am telling you
16
00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:41,250
"Jack Walker"
spells
box office.
17
00:00:41,283 --> 00:00:43,833
He will appeal to
even
the least-cultured,
18
00:00:43,116 --> 00:00:45,326
lowest common denominator.
19
00:00:45,366 --> 00:00:50,326
Oh, you have got to try
these pepperoni Hot
Pockets.
20
00:00:50,660 --> 00:00:51,180
You will never order
from Pizza Hut again.
21
00:00:51,216 --> 00:00:52,656
Mmm.
22
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,200
Wha--?
23
00:00:54,233 --> 00:00:56,173
Uh, Miss Fine,
24
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:58,270
have you by any chance heard
of a young actor named Jack--
25
00:00:58,300 --> 00:01:00,500
Walker, from
Royal Flush?
26
00:01:00,830 --> 00:01:02,420
Oh, the kid
is a genius!
27
00:01:02,450 --> 00:01:04,150
When he goes,
28
00:01:04,183 --> 00:01:05,323
"Hey! Yo! Whoa!"
- [C.C MOUTHING WORDS]
29
00:01:05,350 --> 00:01:06,180
Oh!
30
00:01:08,266 --> 00:01:10,496
See, Maxwell,
if we've got
Jack,
31
00:01:10,830 --> 00:01:11,150
we've got a success.
32
00:01:11,183 --> 00:01:13,233
I will bet
my reputation on
it.
33
00:01:13,266 --> 00:01:15,326
Oh, sorry,
there's a $5 minimum.
34
00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:18,280
[YELPS]
35
00:01:21,330 --> 00:01:23,000
Look. He's walked off
his show.
36
00:01:23,330 --> 00:01:24,330
He wants to do quality,
and he thinks that's what we
do.
37
00:01:24,366 --> 00:01:25,116
[CHUCKLES]
38
00:01:27,183 --> 00:01:29,373
All right, I'll think about
making him an offer.
39
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,120
Yeah, well, don't give it
as much thought as you did
40
00:01:31,150 --> 00:01:32,100
when you turned downCats.
41
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,370
What is the bloody
statute of limitations
42
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,320
on that mistake,
Miss Fine?
43
00:01:37,350 --> 00:01:40,160
I would say
"now and forever".
44
00:01:42,266 --> 00:01:44,996
Have you ever even seen
Royal Flush?
45
00:01:45,330 --> 00:01:46,370
Oh, God, now she's
sitting on the desk.
46
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:47,170
This is gonna be
an hour, at least.
47
00:01:48,166 --> 00:01:49,466
I'll be brief.
48
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,470
See, it's all about
this rich, handsome widower
49
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,000
who hires this really streetwise
maid to take care of his kids...
50
00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:58,183
only she's really gorgeous,
51
00:01:58,216 --> 00:02:00,326
so there's this major
sexual tension.
52
00:02:01,216 --> 00:02:03,196
Oh, please!
FRAN: What?
53
00:02:03,233 --> 00:02:04,383
He's in love with
his business partner.
54
00:02:04,416 --> 00:02:06,276
She's got all the class.
55
00:02:06,316 --> 00:02:08,396
Oh, what show
are you watching?
56
00:02:08,433 --> 00:02:10,133
The butler shuts her up
every time she opens her mouth.
57
00:02:12,660 --> 00:02:15,170
There's a butler?
58
00:02:15,166 --> 00:02:16,446
All right.
Make the bloody deal.
59
00:02:16,483 --> 00:02:19,173
Anything to put an end
to this insipid discussion.
60
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,280
Oh, this is exciting.
61
00:02:21,316 --> 00:02:24,326
So you'll put him
up
at a really nice
hotel,
62
00:02:24,660 --> 00:02:25,450
give him
the red-carpet
treatment
63
00:02:25,483 --> 00:02:28,423
you know, room service,
limos, theater tickets.
64
00:02:28,450 --> 00:02:30,450
Oh, and, you know, just so
that he shouldn't feel alone,
65
00:02:30,483 --> 00:02:32,203
I'll go with him
and take care of him.
66
00:02:34,660 --> 00:02:35,470
M-Maxwell, Nanny Fine
is not qualified
67
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,000
to take care of him.
68
00:02:37,330 --> 00:02:39,500
He's a very important child.
69
00:02:39,830 --> 00:02:40,000
Unlike my own children?
70
00:02:41,660 --> 00:02:45,300
Whoopsie.
71
00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:47,220
I'm picturing
the Plaza,
72
00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:49,170
which is right down the road
from Elizabeth Arden,
73
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:50,130
in case he needs a bikini wax.
74
00:02:53,233 --> 00:02:56,163
He'll stay here with us until
his parents can join him.
75
00:02:56,500 --> 00:02:57,400
Oh. Right.
76
00:02:57,433 --> 00:02:59,833
Well, whatever's best
for the boy.
77
00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:01,183
[WHISPERS] This close.
78
00:03:03,366 --> 00:03:06,316
[THEME TUNE PLAYS]
79
00:03:06,350 --> 00:03:07,400
♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪
80
00:03:07,433 --> 00:03:09,153
♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪
81
00:03:09,183 --> 00:03:10,233
♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪
82
00:03:10,266 --> 00:03:12,176
♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪
83
00:03:12,216 --> 00:03:13,996
♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪
84
00:03:14,330 --> 00:03:16,120
♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪
85
00:03:17,316 --> 00:03:18,346
♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪
86
00:03:18,383 --> 00:03:19,453
♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪
87
00:03:19,483 --> 00:03:21,253
♪ She was there
to sell makeup ♪
88
00:03:21,283 --> 00:03:22,423
♪ But the father
saw more ♪
89
00:03:22,450 --> 00:03:24,380
♪ She had style, she had flair,
she was there ♪
90
00:03:24,416 --> 00:03:27,196
♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪
91
00:03:28,483 --> 00:03:31,403
♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪
92
00:03:31,433 --> 00:03:33,473
♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪
93
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:34,450
♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪
94
00:03:34,483 --> 00:03:36,223
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
95
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:37,280
♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪
96
00:03:37,316 --> 00:03:38,996
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
97
00:03:39,330 --> 00:03:40,230
♪ She's the lady in red ♪
98
00:03:40,266 --> 00:03:44,446
♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪
99
00:03:44,483 --> 00:03:46,103
♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪
100
00:03:46,133 --> 00:03:47,123
♪ The nanny named Fran ♪
101
00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:54,660
Come on, kids,Royal Flush
is goin' on.
102
00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:56,170
[TV PLAYS]
I likeFull House
103
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,180
No way,Royal FlushFull House
104
00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:01,320
Oh, look, there he is.
105
00:04:01,350 --> 00:04:04,660
Hey! Yo! Whoa!
106
00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:05,470
Ah!
It's a gift from God.
107
00:04:07,383 --> 00:04:08,233
Like Streisand.
108
00:04:10,660 --> 00:04:12,150
No, he is
so obnoxious.
109
00:04:12,183 --> 00:04:14,223
It's TV, Mags.
It's a formula.
110
00:04:14,250 --> 00:04:16,280
Look, the big sister's
an airhead,
111
00:04:16,316 --> 00:04:18,146
and the little kid
is obnoxious.
112
00:04:18,183 --> 00:04:19,503
But then he develops
into a teen heartthrob.
113
00:04:22,416 --> 00:04:24,426
Yeah, but he better
keep his ego in check.
114
00:04:24,466 --> 00:04:26,146
Otherwise, he's gonna be
knockin' over video stores
115
00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:27,503
with Dana Plato.
116
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:33,270
What happens to
the cute little one?
117
00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:35,170
She gets a breast reduction
and goes to Yale.
118
00:04:38,266 --> 00:04:40,156
Please, would you
turn that off?
119
00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:42,350
Jack will be here
any minute.
120
00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:44,100
Oh, God,
look at him.
121
00:04:44,133 --> 00:04:45,323
He...he can't act.
122
00:04:45,350 --> 00:04:48,830
Shh!
Here comes the maid.
123
00:04:48,116 --> 00:04:50,426
Don't start with me,Clive.
124
00:04:50,466 --> 00:04:51,226
[LAUGHS]
125
00:04:55,100 --> 00:04:57,120
[LAUGHS]
126
00:04:57,150 --> 00:05:00,100
Oh, just look at the
clothes
she's wearing.
127
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,323
How could she afford to
dress
like that on her salary?
128
00:05:03,316 --> 00:05:04,276
I know I can't.
129
00:05:06,100 --> 00:05:08,500
This is absurd.
130
00:05:08,830 --> 00:05:11,250
The father just stands there
like a stunned beast
131
00:05:11,283 --> 00:05:12,403
and gives his bloody servants
the run of the house.
132
00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:18,370
The servants don't have
the run of the house.
133
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,660
Oh, by the way,
my mother's comin' over
134
00:05:20,100 --> 00:05:20,480
to use your jacuzzi tub.
135
00:05:23,350 --> 00:05:24,430
Tell her level 3
bubbles and pulsates.
136
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:26,420
So I've heard.
137
00:05:29,660 --> 00:05:31,660
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Okay.
138
00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:33,100
Kids, shut the TV off.
139
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,133
The last thing Jack Walker
wants to hear
140
00:05:35,166 --> 00:05:36,496
is lines from his own show.
141
00:05:38,660 --> 00:05:41,380
Hey! Yo! Whoa!
142
00:05:41,416 --> 00:05:42,426
Like, I haven't heard that
in about two seconds.
143
00:05:44,216 --> 00:05:46,096
Jack, how was the flight?
144
00:05:46,133 --> 00:05:47,423
I hate airplane food.
It's loaded with salt.
145
00:05:47,450 --> 00:05:49,000
Look at me,
I'm all bloated.
146
00:05:49,330 --> 00:05:49,470
I look nine.
147
00:05:52,150 --> 00:05:54,830
Jack, I'm Maxwell Sheffield.
148
00:05:54,116 --> 00:05:56,216
Yeah, yeah. How you doin'?
Love that tie, babe.
149
00:05:56,250 --> 00:05:57,450
Who's this?
[GIGGLES]
150
00:05:57,483 --> 00:05:59,303
Oh, I'm Fran.
151
00:05:59,333 --> 00:06:00,483
And I'm such
a big fan.
152
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,120
I've seen every one
of your episodes.
153
00:06:03,150 --> 00:06:05,150
Except for the one that
the president interrupted,
154
00:06:05,183 --> 00:06:07,103
like he couldn't invade Haiti
duringBlossom?
155
00:06:08,216 --> 00:06:08,476
[BOTH LAUGH]
156
00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:11,320
[HE CHUCKLES]
157
00:06:11,350 --> 00:06:13,130
Babbling,
Miss Fine.
158
00:06:13,166 --> 00:06:15,146
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just so excited.
159
00:06:15,183 --> 00:06:17,833
I can't believe I'm meeting
little Kippy Cooper.
160
00:06:17,116 --> 00:06:18,216
Please pinch me.
161
00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:19,660
Oh!
162
00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:25,416
[SINGSONGY]
That's just an expression!
163
00:06:25,450 --> 00:06:28,220
Jack, come on, let me
introduce you to my children.
164
00:06:28,250 --> 00:06:30,380
This is Brighton,
Grace and Maggie.
165
00:06:30,416 --> 00:06:33,196
Hey, I really dug that episode
where you lost your virginity.
166
00:06:33,233 --> 00:06:34,373
Yeah, like I had to act.
[LAUGHS]
167
00:06:37,183 --> 00:06:39,303
Brighton, since you'll
be sharing a room,
168
00:06:39,333 --> 00:06:41,123
why don't you go up
and put away your toys,
hm?
169
00:06:41,150 --> 00:06:41,480
Toys?
170
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,450
Toys?!
171
00:06:45,483 --> 00:06:47,383
Why don't you just bring out
the home movies
172
00:06:47,416 --> 00:06:49,826
of me going pee-pee
in a cowboy hat and holster?
173
00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:54,250
Do you know
the Olsen twins?
174
00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:56,423
Intimately.
175
00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:59,370
The three of us went to Palm
Springs, we were in a hot tub--
176
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,330
Ah, Gracie,
it's your bedtime.
177
00:07:01,660 --> 00:07:03,170
Bedtime.
178
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:06,250
Uh, when's my bedtime?
Wanna tuck me in?
179
00:07:06,283 --> 00:07:08,273
You know, you must be
a very good actor,
180
00:07:08,300 --> 00:07:09,480
because on the show
you're so endearing.
181
00:07:12,150 --> 00:07:13,320
I don't know why
you hired him.
182
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:15,450
[SCOFFS]
183
00:07:15,483 --> 00:07:18,123
Well, well, well.
[CHUCKLES]
184
00:07:18,150 --> 00:07:19,450
Guess it just leaves
me and you.
185
00:07:19,483 --> 00:07:21,123
[SHE CHUCKLES]
186
00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:22,300
Not unless that
head screws off,
187
00:07:22,333 --> 00:07:23,183
and you can put on
Jason Priestley's.
188
00:07:25,283 --> 00:07:27,253
[UNDER BREATH]
All right!
189
00:07:27,283 --> 00:07:29,833
Look how she just cuts him
off at the knees.
190
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:30,396
From a lump of clay.
191
00:07:34,316 --> 00:07:36,146
[CLEARS THROAT]
If you'll excuse me, Jack,
192
00:07:36,183 --> 00:07:37,273
I promised your parents
I'd telephone
193
00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:39,150
that you arrived safely.
194
00:07:39,183 --> 00:07:41,303
How you leave
is another matter.
195
00:07:41,333 --> 00:07:43,133
May I take your bags, sir?
196
00:07:43,166 --> 00:07:45,126
Oh, thank you very much,
my good man.
197
00:07:45,166 --> 00:07:46,376
Here's, um, a hundred.
198
00:07:46,416 --> 00:07:47,246
Uh, what'll I call you?
199
00:07:49,330 --> 00:07:49,430
Oh, just whistle.
200
00:07:56,316 --> 00:07:57,446
All right,
come on, Damien--
201
00:07:57,483 --> 00:07:58,483
I-I mean, Jack.
202
00:08:01,116 --> 00:08:02,166
I'll show you around.
203
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,160
Yeah, I've been around,
204
00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:05,830
but I'll watch
you walk.
205
00:08:05,116 --> 00:08:06,346
Oh!
206
00:08:06,383 --> 00:08:07,373
Sorry, just
a reflex. [CHUCKLES]
207
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:08,230
Yeah, so is this.
208
00:08:18,366 --> 00:08:21,116
How's your pudding,
Miss Babcock?
209
00:08:21,150 --> 00:08:22,160
It's
delicious.
Why?
210
00:08:23,350 --> 00:08:25,150
Just as I thought.
211
00:08:25,183 --> 00:08:26,203
These expiration dates
are meaningless.
212
00:08:33,266 --> 00:08:37,246
How do you become
a full-fledged moron by 12?
213
00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:38,223
Who you
talking about?
214
00:08:38,250 --> 00:08:40,500
Oh, that Walker kid.
215
00:08:40,830 --> 00:08:41,180
The eighth dwarf, Horny.
216
00:08:44,166 --> 00:08:46,166
Ilove
217
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:47,250
I mean, Jack Daniels--
218
00:08:47,283 --> 00:08:48,183
I mean, Jack Walker.
219
00:08:51,233 --> 00:08:53,223
Ever since Rob Roy and
Tom Collins left her,
220
00:08:53,250 --> 00:08:54,120
they've all been a blur.
221
00:08:57,233 --> 00:09:02,133
I think he is the most
obnoxious, sexist brat.
222
00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:05,216
He thinks that he can come here
and look me up and down
223
00:09:05,250 --> 00:09:07,250
and pinch me just 'cause
he makes millions.
224
00:09:07,283 --> 00:09:09,333
Well, he's got
a good ten years
225
00:09:09,660 --> 00:09:12,830
before he can get away
with that.
226
00:09:12,830 --> 00:09:14,400
Who cares? Your job
is to make him happy.
227
00:09:14,433 --> 00:09:16,403
Not at the expense
of my kids.
228
00:09:16,433 --> 00:09:18,323
And I'll tell you,
that Jack Walker
229
00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:20,130
is making
everyone miserable.
230
00:09:20,166 --> 00:09:21,326
God bless Jack Walker.
231
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:25,100
This wasthe
of my life.
232
00:09:25,133 --> 00:09:26,303
Good call,
Nanny Fine.
233
00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:29,253
[CACKLES]
234
00:09:29,283 --> 00:09:30,323
Fran, you should've
seen it.
235
00:09:30,350 --> 00:09:32,120
People were hangin'
all over me.
236
00:09:32,150 --> 00:09:34,230
I have finally found
my calling in life -
237
00:09:34,266 --> 00:09:35,096
sucking up
to a famous guy.
238
00:09:38,660 --> 00:09:41,320
Oh, honey, you're
underestimating yourself.
239
00:09:41,350 --> 00:09:44,480
You don't need Jack Walker
to be popular.
240
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,830
You got a trust fund
that could choke a horse.
241
00:09:48,366 --> 00:09:50,496
Do you think it would be okay
if I grabbed a bite
242
00:09:50,830 --> 00:09:51,250
with Jack and some girls
from school?
243
00:09:51,283 --> 00:09:55,663
Oh, your first dinner date.
244
00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:57,160
I remember when
I was your age.
245
00:09:57,500 --> 00:10:00,160
No, I don't.
246
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:01,330
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I do, I do.
247
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,320
You know, Alby Malcolm and I
went out for burritos.
248
00:10:05,350 --> 00:10:06,420
Don't do that.
249
00:10:11,216 --> 00:10:13,376
[ALL CHUCKLE]
250
00:10:13,416 --> 00:10:15,296
Hi, Brighton.
Hi, Brighton.
251
00:10:15,333 --> 00:10:18,323
Hi, girls. I'm Fran,
the nanny. [CHUCKLES]
252
00:10:18,350 --> 00:10:19,330
Cute bustier.
253
00:10:21,466 --> 00:10:23,346
Won't you excuse us?
254
00:10:23,383 --> 00:10:27,183
No-ho-ho-ho-ho.
255
00:10:27,216 --> 00:10:28,996
Oh, but, Fran!
256
00:10:29,330 --> 00:10:30,350
Just what did you think
you were going to do
257
00:10:30,383 --> 00:10:32,433
with an 18-year-old girl?
258
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,366
I was hoping to feel my way
through the situation.
259
00:10:37,283 --> 00:10:39,323
All right,
I'll go to my
room.
260
00:10:39,350 --> 00:10:42,330
Heidi,
go to his room.
261
00:10:42,660 --> 00:10:43,300
Heidi, if you ever want
to see the Alps again,
262
00:10:43,333 --> 00:10:44,123
hit the road.
263
00:10:45,233 --> 00:10:47,163
You too, honey.
264
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:48,380
[YODELS]
♪ Yodel-ay-hee-hoo ♪
265
00:10:48,416 --> 00:10:51,446
We're gonna have to lay down
some ground rules here.
266
00:10:51,483 --> 00:10:53,373
Oh, yeah? Who says
I gotta listen to you?
267
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:56,660
Listen,
Mister Pister,
268
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,500
when you've got
a house of your own,
269
00:10:58,830 --> 00:10:59,350
you can do
whatever you want.
270
00:10:59,383 --> 00:11:01,103
But as long as you're
undermy
271
00:11:01,133 --> 00:11:02,663
Ma, stop throwin'
your voice.
272
00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:06,450
If you don't lay off me,
I'm gonna call my agent,
273
00:11:06,483 --> 00:11:08,333
I'm gonna get you fired.
274
00:11:08,366 --> 00:11:10,276
Good.
What do you think?
275
00:11:10,316 --> 00:11:13,496
I'm scared of a little bald man
with a cigar?
276
00:11:13,830 --> 00:11:15,380
Oh, yeah? My agent
happens to be 34,
277
00:11:15,416 --> 00:11:17,176
6'2", with a mansion
in Beverly Hills
278
00:11:17,216 --> 00:11:19,826
and a Porsche.
279
00:11:19,116 --> 00:11:21,376
Oh, well, go ahead
and call him.
280
00:11:21,416 --> 00:11:23,126
Better yet,
I'll call him.
281
00:11:23,166 --> 00:11:26,326
Give me his number.
282
00:11:26,660 --> 00:11:27,330
And a little privacy,
'cause this is
right up my alley.
283
00:11:29,450 --> 00:11:33,830
I'm not happy.
284
00:11:33,116 --> 00:11:34,996
You know, you think
that you're such a big shot
285
00:11:35,330 --> 00:11:36,270
just because you're
in show business.
286
00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:38,220
Why don't you act
like a normal kid?
287
00:11:38,250 --> 00:11:40,150
You should be out
riding your bicycle,
288
00:11:40,183 --> 00:11:42,333
torturing your sister,
buying fake doody.
289
00:11:44,330 --> 00:11:46,250
Don't you even have
any friends?
290
00:11:46,283 --> 00:11:48,273
Sure, I do. My agent,
my manager, my publicist.
291
00:11:50,330 --> 00:11:51,330
Yes, little buddy!
292
00:11:53,166 --> 00:11:54,156
Ah...
293
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:56,450
Right on time.
294
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,303
Here.
Just for being you.
295
00:11:58,333 --> 00:11:59,423
Love to love ya,
baby.
296
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:07,430
Name me one person that doesn't
make a buck off of you.
297
00:12:07,466 --> 00:12:09,296
Besides your parents.
298
00:12:09,333 --> 00:12:10,223
Well, actually,
we're in litigation.
299
00:12:12,483 --> 00:12:15,163
You're suing
your own parents?
300
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:16,180
How can you do that?
301
00:12:16,216 --> 00:12:18,326
They're ripping me off.
302
00:12:18,660 --> 00:12:20,100
No, I mean how can you do that,
'cause my folks--
303
00:12:20,133 --> 00:12:20,373
Ah, they don't have any money.
304
00:12:24,283 --> 00:12:26,503
You know, Niles, I've had it
up to here with that kid.
305
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:27,270
Either he goes,
or I do.
306
00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:28,430
Well, let's see.
307
00:12:28,466 --> 00:12:29,446
For bringing him
a glass of milk,
308
00:12:29,483 --> 00:12:32,163
he gave me $100.
309
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:33,330
For my birthday,
you gave me a comb.
310
00:12:37,433 --> 00:12:39,123
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
311
00:12:39,150 --> 00:12:41,100
Mr. Sheffield,
I have to talk to you.
312
00:12:41,133 --> 00:12:42,233
Oh, no, Miss Fine.
313
00:12:42,266 --> 00:12:44,276
I want to talk to you.
314
00:12:44,316 --> 00:12:47,366
Oh, if it's about the clogged
Jacuzzi, I'm sorry,
315
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,160
but once my mother starts
scrubbing with a loofa,
316
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:51,180
it's like makin' snow
in Lillehammer.
317
00:12:54,366 --> 00:12:57,376
No, Miss Fine,
I want to thank you...
318
00:12:57,416 --> 00:13:00,156
for convincing me
to hire Jack.
319
00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:03,380
Maxwell!
That was my idea.
320
00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:06,146
What do I have to do to please
anyone around this house?
321
00:13:06,183 --> 00:13:07,173
Niles...
322
00:13:11,266 --> 00:13:13,296
But, sir,
fish gotta
swim.
323
00:13:16,233 --> 00:13:18,163
Control yourself,
man.
324
00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:19,320
Oh, very well,
sir.
325
00:13:19,350 --> 00:13:21,160
[CACKLES]
326
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:25,150
Lemon?
[SQUIRTS]
327
00:13:25,150 --> 00:13:27,150
Look, Miss Fine,
328
00:13:27,183 --> 00:13:29,833
his marquee value alone
has the investors
329
00:13:29,116 --> 00:13:30,326
throwing money at me.
330
00:13:30,366 --> 00:13:32,176
You wonderful woman,
you.
331
00:13:32,216 --> 00:13:34,116
Oh, I could just
kiss you.
332
00:13:34,150 --> 00:13:35,660
Mmm-mwah!
333
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:40,130
[GASPS]
Well...
334
00:13:40,166 --> 00:13:41,326
How long's the kid
gonna be here, a week?
335
00:13:43,483 --> 00:13:44,483
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
JACK: Mr. Sheffield?
336
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:46,380
Oh, let me get that
for you, sir.
337
00:13:49,116 --> 00:13:50,196
Thanks, old man.
Pleasure.
338
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,370
Here's my little Oliver.
339
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,420
Ha-ha!
340
00:13:58,450 --> 00:13:59,370
[IMITATING OLIVER TWIST]
Please, sir,
341
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:02,120
I want some more.
[CHUCKLES]
342
00:14:02,150 --> 00:14:04,470
Uh, no, I haven't memorized
all my lines yet.
343
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:06,330
Well, it's the first one.
We're opening soon.
344
00:14:06,366 --> 00:14:09,326
Hoo-hoo,
tick-tock.
345
00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:11,370
Uh, yeah. That's what
I wanna talk to you about.
346
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,330
I'm quitting show business.
347
00:14:13,660 --> 00:14:15,160
You're quitting what?
348
00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:17,380
I just wanna be a normal kid,
and I want out.
349
00:14:17,416 --> 00:14:19,476
And out you shall be
just as soon asOliver!
350
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,370
finishes its
three-year run.
351
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:22,120
[IMITATES ROCKET]
352
00:14:24,116 --> 00:14:25,226
No. Now.
353
00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:27,183
I'm sorry.
354
00:14:30,450 --> 00:14:31,470
[DOOR SLAMS]
355
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,660
[SOBS]
No!
356
00:14:35,100 --> 00:14:37,330
How can this happen?
357
00:14:37,660 --> 00:14:39,130
Oh,
I don't know.
358
00:14:39,166 --> 00:14:41,126
Probably some wacko
puttin' ideas into his head.
359
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:44,230
[THUMP]
360
00:14:46,350 --> 00:14:49,330
Fran, I just wanted
to thank you.
361
00:14:49,660 --> 00:14:50,170
Oh, honey, there's
no reason to thank--
362
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:51,220
No, no, I wanted
to thank you--
363
00:14:51,250 --> 00:14:53,320
Please! I just
made you a sandwich.
364
00:14:53,350 --> 00:14:56,350
If it wasn't for your--
- Honey, you're embarrassing me.
365
00:14:56,383 --> 00:14:58,453
If it wasn't for your advice,
I would have spent
366
00:14:58,483 --> 00:15:00,173
the rest of my life as an actor
making other people rich.
367
00:15:03,366 --> 00:15:05,126
[SNIFFS]
368
00:15:05,166 --> 00:15:06,116
Do you smell gas?
369
00:15:08,100 --> 00:15:08,330
[DOOR SLAMS]
370
00:15:15,250 --> 00:15:18,230
Nanny Fine, you're alone
in a room with the kid
371
00:15:18,266 --> 00:15:22,466
for two minutes,
and he wants to quit
show business?!
372
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,130
God, if only we could
put her in a room
373
00:15:24,166 --> 00:15:25,176
with Tori Spelling.
374
00:15:30,383 --> 00:15:33,173
I could kill you.
375
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,420
I could rip out your heart
with my bare hands!
376
00:15:39,466 --> 00:15:41,656
She doesn't have a key
to the house, does she?
377
00:15:44,233 --> 00:15:46,203
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
378
00:15:46,233 --> 00:15:49,253
maybe it's all
for the best.
379
00:15:49,283 --> 00:15:52,323
No, it is not all for the
best,
Miss Fine.
380
00:15:52,350 --> 00:15:54,480
It is not all for the best
at all.
381
00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:56,350
But you yourself said
382
00:15:56,383 --> 00:15:58,183
that the kid was
a pain in the butt.
383
00:15:58,216 --> 00:15:59,316
[CHUCKLES]
All right, Miss Fine.
384
00:15:59,350 --> 00:16:01,400
Let me see
if you can follow this, hm?
385
00:16:01,433 --> 00:16:04,663
Sky...[INHALES]
blue.
386
00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:05,450
Fire... [GASPS]
hot.
387
00:16:05,483 --> 00:16:07,353
Actor...
pain in the butt.
388
00:16:10,830 --> 00:16:12,230
You are going to rectify
this situation.
389
00:16:12,266 --> 00:16:13,426
Wow,
that sounds painful.
390
00:16:17,350 --> 00:16:19,100
Yes.
391
00:16:19,133 --> 00:16:20,403
Thanks to you,
392
00:16:20,433 --> 00:16:22,253
in eight weeks
the curtain goes up
393
00:16:22,283 --> 00:16:25,233
on a 6-foot, 300-pound
stage manager
394
00:16:25,266 --> 00:16:27,476
with a mohawk, singing
Consider Yourself One of Us.
395
00:16:29,350 --> 00:16:31,280
Well, all right.
396
00:16:31,316 --> 00:16:32,116
What do you
have in mind?
397
00:16:34,116 --> 00:16:35,226
You're gonna talk him
back into the show.
398
00:16:35,266 --> 00:16:36,376
Oh, but,
Mr. Sheffield...
399
00:16:36,416 --> 00:16:39,326
No buts,
Miss Fine.
400
00:16:39,660 --> 00:16:40,370
You are going to march
yourself upstairs,
401
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,370
put on something smashing,
402
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,230
take him to the best
restaurant in town,
403
00:16:44,266 --> 00:16:46,196
and order the most expensive
thing on the menu.
404
00:16:46,233 --> 00:16:48,283
Well, all right,
405
00:16:48,316 --> 00:16:50,156
but I'm not
taking the limo!
406
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:51,300
Oh, yes, you are.
407
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:57,170
Slave driver!
Hmm.
408
00:17:01,660 --> 00:17:03,660
But there is no way
409
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:05,330
you're gonna
buy me a new dress.
410
00:17:05,450 --> 00:17:06,230
Get out!
411
00:17:05,660 --> 00:17:10,270
[WHISPERS]
Oh, I--
412
00:17:10,266 --> 00:17:10,366
[WHISPERS]
This close.
413
00:17:16,250 --> 00:17:16,480
WAITER:
Right this way.
414
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,330
Hello.
415
00:17:19,660 --> 00:17:20,420
Mmm, oh,
how's the fish?
416
00:17:24,660 --> 00:17:27,330
Oh, boy,
I cannot believe
417
00:17:27,660 --> 00:17:29,220
who is sitting
right over there.
418
00:17:29,250 --> 00:17:30,480
Oh, you mean
Jack Nicholson?
419
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,170
Jack, Jack, over here.
How you doin'?
420
00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:37,420
No, no, to the right,
to the right.
421
00:17:37,450 --> 00:17:38,430
Oh, you mean Whoopi?
422
00:17:38,466 --> 00:17:40,376
Whoopi, over here.
423
00:17:40,416 --> 00:17:41,166
What's up?
How you doin'?
424
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:45,350
What, are you blind?
425
00:17:45,383 --> 00:17:47,133
Behind me,
behind me.
426
00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:48,226
It's Bob Barker.
427
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:50,350
Who?
428
00:17:53,316 --> 00:17:55,176
Oh, sir, this table
is definitely not gonna work.
429
00:17:55,216 --> 00:17:56,226
I'm in a terrible draft.
430
00:17:57,416 --> 00:17:59,196
Hello.
431
00:17:59,233 --> 00:18:01,283
I'm Fran.
432
00:18:01,316 --> 00:18:03,326
Hello.
Bob Barker.
433
00:18:03,366 --> 00:18:05,656
[GIGGLES]
434
00:18:07,660 --> 00:18:09,150
Oh, Bob Barker,
435
00:18:09,183 --> 00:18:11,103
I'm your biggest fan.
436
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:14,483
I know I'm wearing an animal
print, but it's fake.
437
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:19,660
Not these. These are real.
I meant the dress. [LAUGHS]
438
00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:21,660
I just want you to know
everyone in my family
439
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,470
has been spayed
and neutered.
440
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,170
Well, their pets.
[GIGGLES]
441
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,270
Did I tell you
I just love
442
00:18:26,300 --> 00:18:28,500
The Price is Right?
443
00:18:28,830 --> 00:18:30,500
I was just
getting the check.
444
00:18:30,830 --> 00:18:31,350
Oh, wait,
let me guess.
445
00:18:31,383 --> 00:18:33,273
Pasta primavera,
$18.95?
446
00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:34,370
Higher.
[SHE GASPS]
447
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:36,230
Oh, I don't
wanna go over.
448
00:18:36,266 --> 00:18:37,216
[BOTH LAUGH]
449
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:39,270
Excuse me.
450
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,150
Bye, Bob,
my table's ready.
451
00:18:45,283 --> 00:18:47,333
Oh, I can't believe
452
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:49,220
you wannna give
all of this up.
453
00:18:49,250 --> 00:18:52,120
Fran, I'm been schmoozing
since I was two.
454
00:18:52,150 --> 00:18:55,170
My first words were,
"I wanna renegotiate."
455
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,660
My first words were,
"Can I take it back
if I wore it?"
456
00:19:00,366 --> 00:19:02,466
Fran, I want you to know
that you were right.
457
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,170
I just want to be a regular kid.
458
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,200
Oh, honey,
459
00:19:06,233 --> 00:19:08,253
you can be a regular kid
460
00:19:08,283 --> 00:19:11,283
and still be a big star
with an exciting life.
461
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:13,246
Or you can be
the kid sittin' at home,
462
00:19:13,283 --> 00:19:15,153
watchin' TV
night after night,
463
00:19:15,183 --> 00:19:17,283
neglecting his studies, getting
fired from the bridal shop,
464
00:19:17,316 --> 00:19:19,826
ending up being a nanny--
465
00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:20,326
We're getting
sidetracked here.
466
00:19:21,450 --> 00:19:23,830
But you said that you--
467
00:19:23,116 --> 00:19:24,826
Oh, forget about
what I said.
468
00:19:24,116 --> 00:19:25,476
You've got a gift.
469
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,130
Do you think Einstein
listened to his nanny
470
00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:29,276
when she said, "Put down
the books and comb your hair"?
471
00:19:32,433 --> 00:19:34,473
Fran, I'm no Einstein.
472
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,170
He wrote the theory
of relativity.
473
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,830
I wrote,
"Hey! Yo! Whoa!"
474
00:19:38,116 --> 00:19:39,466
Oh, big deal.
475
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,380
He said emcees are square.
476
00:19:41,416 --> 00:19:43,126
Well, Ed McMahon's
been provin' that for years.
477
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:46,400
F-Fran...
478
00:19:49,366 --> 00:19:50,246
is Mr. Sheffield going
to hold me to my contract?
479
00:19:51,466 --> 00:19:53,996
Well, I don't know, honey.
480
00:19:54,330 --> 00:19:56,280
I mean, I'm not a lawyer.
481
00:19:56,316 --> 00:19:58,496
Maybe you should ask
the people that you hired
482
00:19:58,830 --> 00:19:59,420
to sue your mommy
and your daddy.
483
00:20:04,266 --> 00:20:06,496
[SOBBING]
Fran, I can't
do this anymore.
484
00:20:06,830 --> 00:20:08,270
Oh, sweetie.
485
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:11,160
Uh, look, you know what?
486
00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:12,330
I'll talk to Mr.
Sheffield.
How's that?
487
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:13,470
Hey, Kippy.
488
00:20:15,166 --> 00:20:17,826
[CAMERA CLICKS]
489
00:20:17,116 --> 00:20:20,326
[SOBBING]
490
00:20:23,166 --> 00:20:24,166
Your aspirin, sir.
491
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,150
Shh.
492
00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:28,453
D'you hear
that sucking sound?
493
00:20:28,483 --> 00:20:32,123
That's the investors pulling
their money out of my show.
494
00:20:32,150 --> 00:20:34,470
Oh, I too shall lament
the loss of Mr. Walker.
495
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:35,480
He filled
the house with tips.
496
00:20:38,116 --> 00:20:38,996
Joy.
497
00:20:42,433 --> 00:20:46,183
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I'm so proud of you.
498
00:20:46,216 --> 00:20:49,656
You're really doing
the right thing.
499
00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:51,150
Every kid deserves to
have
a normal childhood.
500
00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:53,233
Excuse me.
501
00:20:53,266 --> 00:20:57,116
Brighton, if you throw darts
at your Picasso one more time,
502
00:20:57,150 --> 00:20:57,470
I'm taking it
out of your room.
503
00:21:00,330 --> 00:21:02,330
Oh, there he is.
Be nice.
504
00:21:02,660 --> 00:21:03,480
I am being nice,
Miss Fine.
505
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:05,230
If I weren't, you'd be
going with him.
506
00:21:05,266 --> 00:21:06,996
Oh, more of
that British humor
507
00:21:07,330 --> 00:21:07,430
I've become so fond of.
508
00:21:10,830 --> 00:21:11,230
Well, I guess
I have everything.
509
00:21:11,266 --> 00:21:12,296
Hey, Brighton,
see you, man.
510
00:21:12,333 --> 00:21:14,663
Yeah,
we'll see ya.
511
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:15,380
I could cry.
512
00:21:15,416 --> 00:21:16,276
I came this close
to having a life.
513
00:21:17,483 --> 00:21:19,373
No, you didn't.
514
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,200
Oh, Maggie,
by the way,
515
00:21:21,233 --> 00:21:22,423
I called
Jason Priestley for you.
516
00:21:22,450 --> 00:21:24,270
You did?
Yeah.
517
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:26,220
but he doesn't date
women taller than him,
518
00:21:26,250 --> 00:21:28,380
so maybe if you
unscrewed your head...
519
00:21:28,416 --> 00:21:30,416
[JACK LAUGHS]
Don't go!
520
00:21:33,233 --> 00:21:35,173
Hey, so long,
Grace.
521
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:36,430
Sorry we didn't get to know
each other better.
522
00:21:36,466 --> 00:21:38,366
That's okay, Fran and I
went through all your luggage.
523
00:21:40,250 --> 00:21:42,150
Sweetie,
524
00:21:42,183 --> 00:21:44,003
we were just playing
Midnight Express.
525
00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:46,320
Bye, Fran.
526
00:21:46,350 --> 00:21:48,160
Oh, bye, honey.
527
00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:49,830
Have a good childhood.
- Thanks.
528
00:21:50,166 --> 00:21:52,656
Mr. Sheffield,
529
00:21:52,100 --> 00:21:52,480
thanks a lot for helping me
get out of my contract.
530
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:54,330
Aww.
531
00:21:54,366 --> 00:21:56,996
Well, it was
a pleasure, Jack,
532
00:21:57,330 --> 00:21:58,450
and all the very best
of luck to you, hm?
533
00:21:58,483 --> 00:22:00,163
You too.
534
00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:01,180
Safe trip, sir.
535
00:22:01,216 --> 00:22:01,426
Thanks a lot,
Niles.
536
00:22:04,300 --> 00:22:06,500
Well, don't you feel good?
537
00:22:07,133 --> 00:22:08,403
I feel poor.
538
00:22:08,433 --> 00:22:09,433
I feel good
and poor.
539
00:22:12,150 --> 00:22:13,480
MAGGIE:
Oh, God, we just
got rid of that twerp
540
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:15,270
and now he's on
"Good Day New York."
541
00:22:15,300 --> 00:22:17,320
Oh, what a life.
542
00:22:17,350 --> 00:22:19,470
Poor boy can't even go back
to his childhood in privacy.
543
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,660
Hey! Yo! Whoa!
544
00:22:22,100 --> 00:22:25,100
Jack Walker, America'sfavorite boy next door,
545
00:22:25,133 --> 00:22:27,333
has settled with the producersof
546
00:22:27,366 --> 00:22:31,126
for a staggering$85,000 a week,
547
00:22:31,166 --> 00:22:33,276
providing he can get outof his Broadway contract.
548
00:22:33,316 --> 00:22:35,126
In this reporter's opinion,
549
00:22:35,166 --> 00:22:36,476
you'd have to bea pretty big Broadway boob
550
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:37,170
to let that happen.
551
00:22:38,283 --> 00:22:39,833
This is Liz Smith.
552
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:42,180
M-Miss Fine?
553
00:22:42,216 --> 00:22:43,326
[CHUCKLES]
554
00:22:43,366 --> 00:22:45,296
And you said
he couldn't act.
555
00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:56,250
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
556
00:23:00,216 --> 00:23:02,196
I'd like you to meet my boss,
Maxwell Sheffield.
557
00:23:02,233 --> 00:23:03,383
How do you do?
558
00:23:03,416 --> 00:23:05,176
And this is his partner,
C.C. Babcock.
559
00:23:05,216 --> 00:23:07,126
Pleasure.
And her dog, Chester.
560
00:23:07,166 --> 00:23:09,326
Our own
little barker.
561
00:23:09,660 --> 00:23:10,330
Yes.
562
00:23:10,366 --> 00:23:12,366
BOB: What a cute dog.
FRAN: Yeah.
563
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:13,400
Don't forget to
have him neutered.
564
00:23:13,433 --> 00:23:16,003
[CHESTER GROWLS AND WHINES]
565
00:23:20,166 --> 00:23:21,226
He'll come back.
566
00:23:21,266 --> 00:23:22,316
They never do.
37633
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