All language subtitles for The Nanny SE02 E06

WOMAN:
Oh, my God, will
you look at that?

[WOMEN CHATTERING]

What is that?
- Oh, no.

Fran's giving
her mother's canasta group

a tour of the house.

Cover your cheeks!

And this is the very piano

once played by Mr. Marvin
"The Way We Were" Hamlisch.

[LADIES SQUEAL]
- Don't push, Frida.

Oy, ever since they took you
off the estrogen,

you're so aggressive.

Not to mention
that five o'clock shadow.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Sorry. My girl
doesn't do windows.

I thought I'd show her
it's not such a sin.

Meet me in the kitchen,

and I'll clean behind
the refrigerator.

And this is the famous
Sheffield guest bathroom.

I don't wanna drop names,

but Liz Taylor did not leave
White Diamonds in there.

Celebrities coming, going.

I don't know how my Fran
stays so down to earth.

[CHUCKLES]
Oh, Ma, please.

People are people.

We're all the same
under the eyes of...

[SHE GASPS]
Ben Vereen!

Oh, my God!

Ohh!

[LAUGHING] Oh, oh!

DoRoots,

And who are
these lovely ladies?

Uh, I'm sorry, Ben.

This is my nanny.
- Hi.

Her mother
and, uh...

The 1948 Israeli
luge team?

DoPippin,

Miss Fine, please.

So I guess a highlight

ofTenspeed and Brown Shoe
would be out of the question?

[LAUGHS]

So you're the one who saw that.
- Uh-huh.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

C.C.:
Nanny Fine!

What?
Mr. Vereen is a
very busy man.

Comin' through,
comin' through!

Now, can I give you a lift
back to the hotel?

He can ride in the basket
with Toto.

[LAUGHS]

Ben, Ben, this show has been
a passion of mine for 20 years.

And now with you,

we have a surefire hit
on our hands.

I hope I still
have the moves.

[LADIES CHEERING]

Bravo, bravo!

I guess I do.

FRAN:
I love you!

I love you!
[GIGGLES]

Well, you see,
people are people.

He touched that, it's mine.

MAXWELL:
Yes! I can't believe

this play
is finally happening.

Now, if we can just get
the financing in place.

Fran, come here.
- What, Ma?

We want to invest
our canasta winnings

in Mr. Sheffield's play.

Yourpishke?
- Yeah.

Oh, Ma, don't be too fast
and loose with yourpishke.

What?

It hasn't been
touched in years.

Oh! All right.

Mr. Sheffield, they want
to give you theirpishke.

Oh, well, she seems like
a lovely woman, but--

No.

This is Frida.

Thepishke
from playing cards.

[LAUGHS]
Oh, goody. We're made.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What my partner
means to say is,

though we appreciate

your enthusiasm
for the theater, ladies,

we cannot possibly
accept your--

Twenty-five thousand dollars?

You're in!

[CHEERING]

[THEME TUNE PLAYS]

♪ She was working
In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend
Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one
Of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge
From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffields' door ♪

♪ She was there
to sell makeup ♪

♪ But the father
saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair,
she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed
That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father
Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids
Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else
Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl
From Flushing ♪

♪ The nanny named Fran ♪

[THUNDER RUMBLES]
Niles!

That's the spread
you're putting out

for Mr. Sheffield's
big investor?

My mother's got money
in this show.

I want him walking out
with his pants spread

and an Alka-Seltzer
foaming out of his mouth.

Miss Fine, this is
beluga caviar,

$100 an ounce.

Niles, shopping tip.

Lumpfish,
Price Club, $1.99.

It can fill up
your whole bathtub.

All right, Niles.

Charles Haste will
be here any minute.

What, is this all
you're serving?

Told you so.

Niles, I want everything
to be perfect.

I've been wanting
to do this play

since the beginning
of my career,

and now finally C.C.
has found an investor

that shares my vision.

Oh, well, what's he do?

He's a garbage man.

But a very wealthy
and acclaimed one.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, look at you.

You seem like a virgin
on your wedding night.

Not that I would know.

Uh, because I've
never been married.

Where the devil's C.C.?

Well, it is raining
outside, sir.

Perhaps she melted.

Shall I see if there's
a pointy hat

and Chanel suit lying
in the street?

Well, let's just hope
my trashman comes through,

or we'll lose the theater,
lose Ben Vereen,

and it could be 20 years

before the pieces
come together again.

Well, then, what would happen
to my mother'spishke?

Oh, well, surely, Miss Fine,
your mother realizes

that investing in the theater
is a risky business.

You're talking about
a woman whose idea of risk

is wearing white pants
to Tony Roma's.

Besides, she's already decided
how to spend the profit.

She's gonna get
her whole face redone.

Oh, Miss Fine,
it's a little premature.

Really? I thought
she was long overdue.

No, Miss Fine,
it's premature to spend it.

I mean you,
you never know

which way
a play is gonna go.

Well, I don't like
the sound of this at all.

You said it was
a surefire hit.

That's my job,
to get investors.

Believe me, I've tried
all the other arguments.

"Wanna throw your money
down a rat hole?"

"Theater is dying."
All of those.

But, oddly enough,
the surefire hit routine

is somehow more enticing.

Well, how much
of your own dough

did you stuff
down this turkey?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Well, I never invest
in my own plays.

Well, it would be rather like
a doctor operating on himself.

Oh.

Although I got a cousin
who's a urologist--

Yes.

Poor Pee-wee's off the air,

and my cousin's
still practicing.

Maxwell, is he here yet?
'Cause I am hot today.

Some twit of a
tourist
tried to cheat me
out of a cab.

I stunned him with my umbrella

and kneed him
right in the big apple.

[CHUCKLES]

I don't know why some nice guy
hasn't snatched her up.

Oh, my God,
my hair!

Look, C.C.,
I'm counting on you.

Haste fancies himself
a bit of a ladies man,

so please do what you have to
to make yourself presentable.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Shall I open the roof

and strap her
to a lightning rod?

[HISSES]

No pressure, Miss Babcock,
but, you know,

if you don't
make this happen,

I know 12 canasta ladies
that are gonna come after you

like the last piece of pastrami

on a tray full of head cheese.

Miss Fine, please.

I'm going, I'm going.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
- All right.

Let's just hope Mr. Haste
is in a generous mood.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Hate show business already.

I had a harder time
getting here

than I did coming down
the birth canal.

Charles Haste.
How you doing?

Maxwell Sheffield, hello.

What on earth happened to you?

Well, I was just
getting into a taxi

when some big blond woman
kneed me in the groin,

and then she clobbered me with
some hideous green umbrella.

So, uh...

where's your partner, C.C.?

You know, she's the best fax
I ever had. [CHUCKLES]

Well, Charlie, wh-what
do you say we just

keep this between
us boys, eh?

Oh, I gave that up
in camp, Sheffy.

Let me tell you why
I'm getting into showbiz.

I have made zillions
in waste management.

But you just don't see
a lot of leg.

And if you do, you're
calling Homicide.

[LAUGHS]

What exactly are you saying?

What I'm saying,
no chick, no check, no deal.

MAXWELL: Oh.
- Maxwell, is he here yet?

Oof!

Who's that?
Uh, that?

Oh, you might
as well know,

that was my partner,
Miss Babcock.

All right,
come on out, C.C.

Oh, no.

Do I have a run
in my Hanes?

Wh--

That's not a run,
that's just a little snag.

Oh.

You got some clear polish?
I'll fix it for ya.

Er, Miss, uh--
- Babcock, how do you do?

What?

You sounded a little
different on the phone.

Uh...I switched to MCI.

Oh, why?

Because I have a
lot
of friends and
family.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

What's that?

Uh, the dog.

We put her away because

we didn't want her
to jump your leg.

We really need
to have her fixed.

Shall we?

Maxwell, Nanny Fine
can't possibly pass for me.

She isn't in my class.

She doesn't have
my breeding.

Then perhaps she won't lick
herself in front of company.

Maxwell, are you
gonna let him

talk to me like that?

Yes.

You attacked our investor.

That's bad,
C.C., very bad.

Maxwell--
- Sit.

Is he gonna hit her
with a rolled-up newspaper?

All right, we have exactly
three minutes to teach you

everything Miss Babcock
knows about the theater.

We can do that and make
a two-minute egg.

First, we open in Philadelphia.

Oh, Philly, great.

My Aunt Selma
lives in Philly.

She's the one
with the miracle ear.

Oh, a bit deaf, eh?

No! She has a miracle ear.

When you look way inside,
you can see the Virgin Mary.

She can't even
get her ears pierced

because they keep healing.

This is absurd.

Miss Fine, please!

Miss Babcock.
- Miss Babcock.

BOTH:
What?

Oh.

You better call me C.C.

After all,
we have been partners

for over 10 years.

She's right, there needs to be
a certain level of intimacy.

I've always said that.

HASTE: Sheffield?

Get out, get out!

Out, out out!
- Maxwell, it's raining!

So where'd you guys
disappear to?

We had to put the dog out.

All right,
Sheffield,

now, I've got a couple
of questions about the play.

Now, the first--

Does she ever wear pants?

'Cause then I'm out.

Now, second,
where's the play open?

Oh, I know that.
I know that.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]
I...

Miss Babcock, would you
like some cream cheese?

We open in Kraft.

We open in Philly, Miss Fine--

Uh, Babcock.
The fine Miss Babcock.

Oh, that she is.

But, uh, moving on.

Act One...it's trash.

I beg your pardon.

It's a touching,
well-crafted--

Oh, it's got
flies on it, Sheffy.

I mean, we need a rock 'em,
sock 'em opening number.

Yeah, people go
to the theater after dinner.

They got gas.
They need cover.

Right, we need
a big number

so people can open
their candy wrappers.

Which they'll then
throw on the floor.

More garbage!

Oh, that intermission
is gonna sound like

Massachusetts
in the fall.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, about that check.

I'm gonna give you that check
tomorrow evening over dinner.

I've made reservations
at the Rainbow Room.

I love that place!

Oh, what a success story.

They must do 20,
30 dumpsters a night.

No!
- Uh, C.C.? C.C.?

I'll pick you up at 8:00.
Where do you live?

Well, uh...
[CHUCKLES]

You'd think I lived here.
I'm such a freeloader.

Perhaps you have a business card
in your purse.

Good.

No,your

That's...my

It's the rage in Europe.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Okay, let's see.

We've got Retin-A and collagen.

Oh, here, what's this?

Oh, the bill from my shrink.

Whoa, am I unhappy!

407 East 86th Street.
I'll send a limo.

Niles, did you forget something?

Oh, yes.
Quite right, sir.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[TAPPING]

[TAPPING]

[BANGING]
[INAUDIBLE SHOUTING]

Oh, man, I'll never
get this game.

What do you do
if you have four queens?

Gather round the piano
and sing songs fromGypsy.

Hi, guys.

Oh, wow.

Fran, you look so hot
in that dress.

Uh-oh. I'm supposed to look
like Miss Babcock.

I tried to dress
conservatively.

Niles, can you picture
Miss Babcock in this dress?

Not if I ever want to function
as a man again.

Sorry, Maggie, but three kings
beat four queens.

They do?
- Mm-hm.

Brighton,
that is a big fat lie.

Didn't I teach you anything?

Gee, I don't know,
C.C.,

Well, that's an entirely
different thing.

I am not lying.
I'm just pretending,

like in one of
your father's plays.

Oh, so you're pretending
to be an actor?

No. You're thinking
of Steven Seagal.

Besides, why aren't you
playing hide-and-seek

with your sister Gracie?

She's been up in that hamper
for three-and-a-half hours.

Oh, she'll show.

How many days
can she go without food?

Well, about as long
as you can go

without thatPlayboy
that's rolled up

inside your Lincoln Logs.

Ready or not,
here I come!

Okay, Niles, I'm off
to be Miss Babcock.

Help me get into character.

Hit me with your best shot.

Oh, no, Miss Fine,
I couldn't possibly.

Oh, come on. "Hello, hello,

I'm C.C. Babcock,
off to go to work."

Your usual corner?

Oh.

I'm sorry. Miss Fine,
don't make me do this.

"I'm Miss Babcock,

and I'm off to get money...
from a man."

Don't forget
your change belt.

Oh.

I hate myself.
[THEY LAUGH]

Do it again.
[LAUGHS]

No, I have to go.

Oh, come on, one more?
I'm hot.

Oh, all right.

And I'll make
this one easy.

"Niles, get me a drink.
I'm dog-tired."

Dog...tired?
Come on.

A drink for the dog.
I don't hear anything.

Oh, uh, uh...

Oh, Niles, get a life.

Uh, oh...

Oh, oh! I've got,
I've got it!

I'll leave the lid up
on the toilet bowl.

Officer.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi.

You finally got here.

Oh, this is nice.

Very warm.

Which way to Radiology?

Let me guess.

The Heidi Fleiss Collection?

You told me to wear
something designer.

All right, I have prepared
a short dossier on myself.

[SIGHS]

Where I grew up...

went to prep school...

when I came out.

You came out?

What are you always sniffing
around Mr. Sheffield for?

My coming-out party,
Miss Fine.

I know. I heard you.

You know, now you
and your special friend

can dance together
at Disneyland.

Oh, aren't these lovely?

Ooh, who are these people
in the picture?

That's my brother,
and that's my sister.

Oh. Wow,
isn'the

Yeah, he is, isn't he?

Come on.
Who is he?

Oh, just someone.
It's not important.

Oh, tell me, tell me.

He came with the frame, okay?

Oh, honey,

there's nothing to
be ashamed of.

A lot of grown women do that.

[UNDER BREATH]
So pathetic.

All right, now what do I do

if Haste wants
something to drink?

Oh, I've got gin, vodka,
bourbon.

You don't have anything
a little softer?

Rum?

It's a good thing that I carry
a can of Clamato with me.

Plus, if ever you
hit a skunk--

Nanny Fine.

Meanwhile,
Miss Martha Stewart,

with half-a-million
dollars coming,

would it have hurt to squeeze
a little cheese on a Ritz?

Please, concentrate.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who is it?

Who do you think it is,
Ed McMahon?

Get in the closet.

Charlie, hi.

Hello!
Come on in, take a load off.

That check must be heavy.

[HE CHUCKLES]

So this is your apartment?

Uh-huh.

Doesn't look like you
at all.

[LAUGHS] Go hire
a straight decorator.

For you, C.C.

Oh, how lovely.

Thank you so much.

Did you bring the half-a-mil?

C.C., I've been thinking.

I don't want to invest
that much.

You don't?

No. I want to double it!

[C.C. MOANS]

Poltergeist.

I got the apartment
really cheap,

but I can't watch TV.

Gonna put those flowers
in a vase?

Oh, yeah, sure, of course.

If only I could figure out
where I put my vases.

Perhaps in the kitchen.

Right, the kitchen.
Of course!

That's a linen closet.

The maid was here today.

She never puts anything
back where it belongs.

Now, if I were a maid,

where would I put
the kitchen?

Oh, bingo.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Aren't you gonna get that?

Nah, it's just
my idiot neighbor.

You live in 6B!

Maxwell, what are
you doing here?

C.C., I've come to my senses.

This is not how
I do business.

Are you crazy?
He is throwing money at her,

and she didn't even
have to put out.

Hors d'oeuvres,
the cat.

Anything...really.

I don't care how important
this play is to me.

Nothing is worth this.

He's up to a million.

They're coming.
Get in the closet.

I wouldn't eat that shrimp
if I were you.

God knows how long
it's been in there.

Oh, C.C., I'm an expert
on garbage.

This baby's got two,
three hours before it turns.

Want a bite?
- Uh, no.

As appealing as hepatitis
sounds...

yellow is just
not my color.

Well, let's talk
about us.

You see,
I-I think, uh,

you and I see
eye to eye.

Uh, those aren't my eyes.

Well, don't you know that
little bald middle-aged men

have very high levels
of testosterone?

An ironic twist of fate.

You see, I say,
let's dump Sheffield

and make this a duet.

You said on the phone that
you're the brains,

and he's just a pretty face
in a blazer.

I

How dare... me.

[WHISPERING]
I said,

you were pretty great

and a trailblazer.

Damn cellular phones.

Let me tell you
something.

Maxwell Sheffield is
a man of vision.

Sure, he passed onCats.
Not one of his finest hours.

But when everybody
was going crazy

wondering where to put
the Fiddler,

he's the one that said,
"Stick him on the roof."

What does
Sheffield really have

that I don't have?

Well, for starters,
he doesn't have

a shrimp vein hanging
out of his tooth.

Mr. Sheffield
is a man of integrity.

When he believes in a play,
he will stick by it

even if it takes him
20 years to mount.

Whilst I, C.C. Babcock,

will mount
just about anything.

[WHISPERS] Oh, there must be
a gun in here somewhere.

I'll say she was a burglar.

If you're going to stick
with that no-talent
Limey loser, then--

Hey, hi, Sheffield.

Oh, she goes in,
he comes out.

This is like
a David Copperfield special.

Mr. Sheffield,
what are you doing here?

Just throwing out the trash.

C.C.:
Charlie!

[LAUGHING]
Do you want to hear

a really funny story?

Hello there.
Mr. Sheffield.

You were worried about me

so you were peeking
through the keyhole?

Oh, how sweet.

You don't do that
at home, do you?

[SIGHS]

Oh, Niles, my mother's
gonna be here any minute.

How am I gonna tell her

that she doesn't have
a pot topishke

[CHUCKLES]
Just tell her the truth.

Oh, right.
The truth, of course.

I'm a grown woman.
I don't have to be afraid

of my own mother.
- Right.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Besides, she's slowed down
ever since her thighs met.

She wears corduroy slacks,
she could roast a marshmallow.

Hi, Ma.
Hi.

How you doing?

Ma, I got something to tell you,

but I'm scared
you're gonna yell.

Darling, you're scared
of your mother?

I could just smack you.

Be afraid.
Be very afraid.

Meanwhile,
when's the last time

you called your poor mother?

An ocean away
in a drafty country,

eating French fries
from a newspaper?

Mommy?

Just promise me
you're not gonna yell.

Why would I yell?!

Good evening, ladies.

Mr. Sheffield, I was just
gonna tell my mother

about her investment.

Oh, yes,
as a matter of fact,

I have some good news
on that front.

I found a new investor,
and you are looking at him.

Oh, well, I thought
that you never

invested in your own plays.

Which, frankly, I always
found to be very fishy.

Well, I hear this one's
being produced

by a man of vision
and integrity.

Oh, Sylvia, you'd have been
very proud of your daughter.

Oh, we don't need
to tell her this.

She turned down one of the
wealthiest men in the country,

and she did it
out of loyalty to me.

So that's what you
were afraid to tell me,

that you turned
down a millionaire.

Franny, you don't know
your mother very well.

Oh.

Excuse me, is this oven gas?