All language subtitles for Happy.Little.Bunnies.2021.PROPER.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

A spray can shakes and sprays

Why?

OK we'll stop it there, OK.

Who here saw an eight month pregnant lady on the stage?

Uh... I saw a very constipated old man.

It did look a bit like you needed a poo.

Why do you think it looked that way?

Well, it was just a bit too much.

Yes Margaret.

I think it's harder for him.

Why do you think it's harder for him?

Because he's a man.

Why would it be harder because he's a man?

Well, we see a man on stage

and so it's harder for us to see him as a pregnant lady.

OK, forget the lady part. Did he look pregnant?

But he can't get pregnant.

That's not the point. Everyone here has done this exercise

and a lot of you haven't been pregnant.

In fact Sue can't have children can you Sue? No.

The point is, when you play a character it shouldn't matter
that you share nothing in common with that character.

None of us are serial killers but to play one you have to become one,

you have to think like one, you have to

find the desire to kill and the belief that you have killed.

If you don't believe you're a serial killer neither will the audience.

I mean obviously you're not going to actually kill anyone

and obviously a man can't get pregnant
but an actor can believe they're pregnant.

Did you believe you were pregnant?
Did you truly feel a child kicking in your stomach?

Well I tried, but I couldn't manage it.
I think maybe I was doing the physical actions

instead of letting the belief that I was pregnant give me the attributes,

or the the physical attributes, of actually being pregnant.

Exactly! It was a good try though. We're all still learning.

I'm not picking on him Margaret, these exercises are difficult.

But I truly think that he could make us believe he's a pregnant lady

if he believes it himself.

Right, everyone up. Next week we're going to be nine months pregnant.

We're all going to give birth and it's going to get noisy.

So let's practice our vocal warm-ups.
Hands on your stomachs and breathe in...

Give me a nice deep laugh.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaaaaa!

Yeah mate. No, she was a right fucking skank.

Yeah, but she let me do her up the shitter.

Oh yeah, no, no, no,
don't give me any of that "you've got a daughter" shit.

At the end of the day having a woman around like her you know,

teaches the kids a solid lesson right?

Stay in school, don't do drugs

And then you don't have to have someone
fuck you up the arse for a couple of quid.

Yeah, yeah, all right, yeah, see you Monday yeah?

Fuck that. I could turn up pissed and still sell more cars than you.

Oh yeah, yeah see you Monday. Twat.

* Noises of sexual groaning *

Oi! I can hear you dirty bastards.

If you're gonna do it in public then expect spectators, you know.

Let Gary show you how this is done.

Haha yay!

* More sexual groaning *

Oh haha! Is this you Wayne?

All right, you got me. I couldn't help but have a little nosy.

Right if you're not coming out I'm gonna take your uh...

fucking walkman? Even though it's fucking shit.

* A clap of thunder *

Thanks

It's not a particularly good one but it's all right.

I wouldn't know the difference, I could drink any old rubbish.

I think if a lot of people were honest they'd probably say the same.

Yeah probably.

Tastes all right to me.

I must say this is very relaxed, not quite what I was expecting.

What were you expecting?

Well I'm not sure really.

Something like a doctor's surgery perhaps?

Yeah perhaps um something more clinical maybe.

It's like that in a few places but
I prefer a more relaxed approach.

I like to subvert expectations.

For example, to look at me you wouldn't think that I
like to practice ballet, but I do.

I want you to feel as comfortable as possible
and tell me whatever you like.

Don't hold back. I can assure you
I've heard it all before, I'm not easily offended.

I don't know where to start, um...

I need your help.

Why do you need my help?

Because I'm gonna fucking kill myself.

I see

I'm gonna kill myself now or I'm gonna kill someone else.

Someone else?

Yeah I know I will, if I don't do myself in.

Who are you gonna kill?

I don't know, anybody. I don't fucking care.
Everyone makes me sick.

I've met a lot of people in the same state as you John
and there hasn't been one that I haven't been able to help.

I don't know Carl, I'm so fucked up.

I know.

I don't just fuck myself up, I fuck up everyone around me.

You don't need to worry about telling me the things that you've done.

I'm not here to judge, I have no right.
I've done things that will churn your stomach.

What sort of things?

Trust me John. Think of the worst thing
that you've done and mine will beat it.

I'm not so sure. You know, I've been so loaded up
on whatever shit I could get a hold of and...

I've done unspeakable things.

It breaks me into a cold sweat just thinking about it.

I was homeless for a while.
I lived in an abandoned warehouse with a few other people.

There was a girl in the group, she was in her 30s,
looked about 50, permanently whacked out on glue.

One night, for no other reason other than we could,
a couple of us raped her with a wine bottle.

Shit.

I still have nightmares about it now.
Every time I wake up I have to run to the bathroom to be sick.

I can see why.

So you understand, you can tell me anything. I won't judge you.

* A noise of something being knocked over *

What was that?

What?

That noise.

I didn't hear anything.

It sounded like something fell over.

Don't worry about it.

Let's concentrate on your suicidal thoughts.
See if you can put into words why you want to kill yourself.

Yeah, OK.

I want out. I want to go to bed for good.

I've had enough.

I've had enough of people, I've had enough of places
and I've had enough of myself.

I've got nothing pleasant in my head.
The only thoughts that hold my attention are dark ones.

Everything else bores me.

I try. God knows I try,
but I just can't think pleasant thoughts.

I want to recapture that feeling of happiness,
the happiness you feel as it as a child, you know, unthinking days.

You didn't worry about being alive, you just lived. Moment by moment.

Sure, you could be unhappy one moment but it didn't plague you.
You just instinctively let that shit go and got on with having fun.

Shit just couldn't stick.

But I am no longer that non-stick kid
and it is impossible to recapture how that felt.

It's the same for all of us, you're not alone with that.

We were all carefree once...

but you just have to grow up.

Nice throw Carl. Remember, don't let go the
ball until your arm's fully extended.

I want to be able to throw as far as you.

You will when you're as big as me.

I don't think so. You're better than all the boys in big school
and some of them are bigger than you.

You just need practice.

Come on, come on. Come here. Go on Max!

Oh my God! No one can throw as far as you!

Can I have a go?

Sure Midget, here you go.

Well that was shit.

Yeah, that was shit.

Do you know why parents live through their children?

Because they're trying to recapture that joy of childhood?

Absolutely. It's their way of getting through this life,
to keep on going, you just haven't found your way.

So you think life's shit and we're all just trying our best to get through it?

Yeah most of us. I mean, some of us do have our own moments.

Some people do fall in love, some people get the big job promotion
and for a while they're happy to be alive.

To be just who they are right there and right then,
but for the most part they're just bored and miserable, just like you are.

But people have moments of happiness.

Yeah

I want moments.

Why?

Having moments is better than being permanently bored and miserable.

Maybe, maybe not. I mean those moments could make
the rest of the time seem more painful.

Take your perfect childhood for example. If you
never had that, if you only ever knew boredom,

you wouldn't spend time trying to recapture those happy days.
You'd just continue with your miserable life none the wiser.

Are you wanting a cigarette?

Oh it's all right, I can wait.

See, this is part of your problem.

You've got to learn to just please yourself.
Don't wait until you think it's all right, just do it.

Look after number one. Come on, we'll both go for one.
We'll go out in the courtyard. It's lovely out there.

Bring your wine.

Will you do me a favour Carl?

What?

Kill me.

No I won't.

Why not?

I've only just started to get to know you.
It would be a shame to kill you now.

Are you happy Carl?

Yeah, I've had my moments

Tell me about them.

Yeah all right, I think it'll do you good.

Yeah. I was in love once.

And she loved you?

Yeah she did eventually.

But I was pretty fucked up at the time,
it was the anniversary of my brother's death.

Your brother died?

Yeah. We were really close,
but I was young and the anniversary always hit me really hard.

In fact, that was the time that I met Julia in a bar,
drowning my sorrows, thinking about my brother.

The first thing she said to me was
"look at the face on you, you soppy bastard."

I was going to turn around and just tell her to
fuck off but I couldn't do it.

There was no malice. No aggression.
Just a big beaming smile and delicious rosy cheeks.

It wasn't a face that you could say fuck off to,
so instead I just asked if she wanted to join me for a drink.

She said no.

No?

I don't blame her. She was with friends and I was a
miserable git drowning my sorrows on my own.

So how did you get together?

We bumped into each other at the bus stop and we just started chatting.
We got the same bus and we decided to go for a coffee together.

We shared so much in common and it was the first time
I felt really comfortable with a girl. I mean,

I don't really have female friends. They make me a bit nervous.

Nervous?

Yeah.

I mean... not nervous but...

we obviously share more things in common with those
of the same sex

and I just like hanging around people with the same interests as me.

So I've never really had any use for female friends
and I've always been wary of men that have, you know?

Why do they have so much in common with women? I mean...

Gay guys I can understand having close female friends but straight men?
Just seems a bit weird to me.

They're obviously perverts.

Or sad cases,

or they've had the shit bullied out of them by the other boys
when they were at school, you know?

I didn't know it was a crime to be bullied.

No it's not, but then again most of the kids that
were bullied at school were bullied for a reason.

They were a bit weird.

I mean, when I think back to my school, all the kids that were bullied,
they were kiddie fiddlers in the making.

That's a bit harsh! I was bullied at school.

Well, I didn't mean you. You're the exception.

You know, probably wrong place wrong time.

But if you think about it, most kids that were bullied were just a bit weird.

...covered in jizzum

I was bullied at school. I didn't deserve it.

I was a rather talented girl but nonetheless
I pretty much enjoyed all the same things all the other girls liked.

And I did my best not to stick out, you know, in spite of my talents,

but a group of girls just took a dislike to me.

I don't know why.

Probably jealous.

They made my life hell.

I don't dwell on it.

I know it certainly wasn't my fault and there was nothing
I could do about it, it was just one of those things.

It hasn't done me any harm.

Anyway, what do you think of this barman?
Quite charming isn't he?

If he buys me one more drink...

I'll let him fuck me up the arse.

Single or double?
Double

And then it hit me. This is actually what love is.

Finding a female who can be your best friend and they have lived
in their own female world and yet they share your feelings and your thoughts

and it's like you're the same person and bam! I was in love.

We hardly spent a day apart from each other after that day.

So that was your moment?

Yeah

But like all moments it didn't last?

Yeah

What happened to her?

We just got bored.

Bored?

Yeah, our moment had passed and we just went back to the mundane.

Let's get another glass of wine.

* A noise of something being knocked over again *

I definitely heard something then. Do you want to go and check it out?
Something definitely fell over.

Don't worry, it's just Max.

Max?

He's my dog. I keep him locked in that room because he gets
hyperactive around strangers. Don't worry, he's alright in there.

Oh right.

It's absolutely fine, there's nothing that he can break.

* sound of a message notification *

I'm too old for you, I'm nearly 14.

* message notification *

My mates will take the piss out of me.

* message notification *

That's true. Don't tell your 'rents though.
They'll think it's weird I can't get a girl my own age.

That's not true though. I've been out with lots of girls older than me.
One were nearly 16.

* message notification *

I know that's why I like you.

You are right. The age gap don't matter. We should meet up.

* A knock at the door *

* A rumble of thunder *

* Thunder and music become louder *

* Clap of thunder and stab *

So, are you still with Julia?

No.

How come?

Well, one night I put a pillow over her face
and held it there until she stopped breathing.

What?

I'm just joking, we just split up and went our separate ways.

You just split up?

Yeah

Nothing happened to make you split up?

No like I said, we just got bored.
There seemed no reason for us to be staying together.

Are you Michael's brother?

Yeah

He wasn't at school today, is he all right?

Yeah he was at some National school athletics thing,
he was running and stuff.

Oh was that today?

Yeah.

I bet he got Gold. Tell him Becky thought he'd get Gold.

Tell him Holly said Hi.
Tell him Becky said Hi, tell him I missed him at school

Yeah, tell him I missed him too.

Tell him Holly will give him a BJ
No don't say that.

What's a BJ?

Yeah Becky, what's a BJ? Why don't you tell him what a BJ is?

It's just a kiss on the cheek.
Tell him we'll both give him a kiss on the cheek.

Tell him we'll both give him a BJ.

Becky stop it, he's just a little kid, it's not funny.

I know what you're trying to do here Carl.

What am I trying to do John?

You think you're so fucking clever but you're not.

I'm not following you.

You're trying to make me feel like everyone else.
Like I'm not fucked up.

You put on your smart middle-class clothes,
brush your hair all neat and tidy, make yourself all respectable.

I'm not buying it. You talk in your nice voice,
in your respectable clothes and it's bullshit.

You know, when I come in here, one of the first things
you tell me is how you raped a homeless woman with a bottle.

Trying to make out that I'm not sick and that we all think this stuff.

That you are like me. I'm not buying it.

The dead brother, the girlfriend you got bored of, it fits together all too nicely.

You want me to talk to you so you want me
to think I'm just like you, but I'm not.

You expect me to see someone like you looking all respectable,
but really you're as fucked up as me?

But you're not like me and this is just bollocks.

Am I supposed to believe that everyone is like me
but they just carrying on pretending everything's just dandy?

Obviously I want you to talk, John.

If you want someone to open up to you then you've got to create
a connection with them. That's simple psychology.

So everything you said is bollocks?

No, I'm just purposefully selecting things
that I think that you'll empathise with.

So you're a rapist who can't connect with women?

No. I used to be a rapist that can't connect with women.

You've never been like me.

You've never been like me. You know when you said about the
homeless woman that you raped with a bottle, do you know what I felt?

What?

Excited. Fucking excited. That's the kind of shit I think about
all the time and I mean all the fucking time.

There's lots of people out there like me are there? I don't fucking think so.

You don't know shit Carl.

If you knew what was happening to me you'd
encourage me to kill myself, I am a fucking monster.

You're right John, I don't know what's going on in your head,
so why don't you tell me?

Bored, perverted, psychotic, neurotic, schizophrenic, addictive,
angry, lonely, I am all of these things and more.

Which would be fine if I could enjoy being in any of these states, but I can't.

I would much rather be one of those serial killers you read about,
at least they seem to get a fucking kick out of the things they think.

But I'm not so lucky. I'd just rather be dead, so fuck you and your
bullshit stories, you can't help me. Your little word games aren't gonna work.

I'm afraid you've made a mistake, this is one person you can't help.

Everything I've told you, you've asked me to tell you.

I said I've done some terrible things and you asked me
what kind of things so I told you about the homeless woman.

I said I've had moments and you asked me what kind of moments
so I very kindly told you about Julia.

Now you seem to think that I'm purposely lying to you
and trying to hide things from you.

I said that I met a woman and that we fell in love.

I then said that we got bored of each other and we split up.
It's not an unusual story. Every other person you meet will tell you the same one.

Yet you chose not to believe me, which is fine.

Now, it's up to you if you want to believe everything that I'm saying to you,
but I can assure you I'm not playing any games.

If you don't want to hear anything about my life, that's absolutely fine
but if that is the case then don't ask me about my life.

I'm more than happy to hear stories about your life.
In fact, that's the reason that I'm here in the first place.

Hi. I'm Writer/Director Patrick McConnell.

You're probably wondering what the fuck is going on.

In fact one of the first things people said to me
when they read the script was "what the fuck is this?"

Here's Oscar-winning actor Casey Affleck to explain.

* Music ends abruptly *

Maybe your stories are true. They just seem strange
you know, coming from you.

I thought you were trying to manipulate me or something.
You know, with the thing about the bottle and all and...

I thought you were just trying to say it as a way to
make me think we're the same. I dunno, I just...

I find it hard to believe that someone who looks and sounds
like you has ever been that fucked up. You seem too normal.

You think I'm normal?

Kind of.

You know it's not normal for a therapist to tell his patients
that he's raped a homeless woman with a wine bottle.

No, I don't suppose it is.

No.

I'm sorry I had to go at you,
I just want you to realise I'm in quite a state.

I think I got angry at the Julia story.

I got jealous. You see, I couldn't have that connection you two had.
I've never had it with anyone. I'm incapable of it.

That's something you can do and I can't and
no matter how fucked up you've been you've still had that.

I was jealous.

It's understandable.

Sorry.

It's all right, there's no need to apologise.
If you want to say something, just say it.

Am I right in thinking that you believe it's all right
to say and do as you please?

No.

Would you mind telling me the name of your mathematics teacher?

Mr. Furrington.

Mr. Furrington?

Yes.

Is that difficult to pronounce?

No.

In which case I can only presume that what you called him
today was a purposeful insult. What did you call him today?

I don't know.

I suggest you tell me or I am going to double your lashes.

We are up to six already, would you like me to make it 12?

What did you, purposefully today, on several occasions call Mr. Furrington?

Mr. Fucking Bum.

The trouble is, Carl, that you lack character.

You think it's funny to swear in front of your teachers
and you're proud of yourself when the other boys laugh.

But they are only laughing at you.
They are laughing because they know better than to do it themselves.

They are encouraging the weak to misbehave for their own amusement.
They want to see you get into trouble.

And what reward do they give you?
Nothing but their pathetic giggles.

And that is all the reward that this pathetic boy needs.

Your brother Michael has always been at the top of his class.
He has always excelled, do you know why?

Because he does not allow himself to be manipulated
by those with less character than himself.

You need more strength of character.

However, I will do you a favour.
I will give you an exercise in strength of character.

I will give you the chance to have just the three
original lashes I offered you before you lied to me.

If you do not flinch when I raise the ruler,
then three lashes is all you will get.

If you flinch I will double it back to six,
does that sound fair?

Yes, Sir.

Now keep your hands still and look me in the eye.

You really are a pathetic boy. Michael never flinched.
Six it is.

* slap *

* slap *

After Julia, did you fall in love again?

No. She was the only one, but it was good while it lasted.

I've forgotten what it's like to be happy.

Have you had any other moments of happiness?

Yeah.

Like what?

You haven't enjoyed listening to anything that I've told you
so why would you want to hear any more?

I'm sorry Carl, I shouldn't have said you were talking bollocks.

Don't worry. Like I said, I'm not easily offended.

What was your brother like? You know, the one who died?

I could tell you but for all you know it might just be bullshit

I'm sorry.

Don't be. You're right. It might be bullshit.

* Rain and playful classical music *

You sure?

Just go into the first cubicle, there's a hole that goes into the second one. Just knock.

If you get a knock back just put it in the hole.

Just put it in the hole?

Just put it in the hole and they'll suck it.

You don't see them and when you've done just leave.

What if they're a weirdo?

Well of course they're weirdos, they're sucking men off through a toilet door.

Look, I'm not telling you to do it. I'm just telling you how it's done.

All right, okay, I'm gonna do it.

Go on then.

* knock knock *

* slice *

* spurt *

Uh

* splat *
Oh no

I would've liked a brother.

Oh I'm sorry, I mean, it must have been hard on you losing him.

I think you need to tell me about him, about Mike.

I want to hear it and if you tell me, if you let me in,
then I'll have no choice than to to do the same for you.

It can't hurt either of us to talk

Hiya Michael.

Yes Michael, my guy!

Hiya Michael, see you later.

What are you still doing here? Go on, you need to go to school.

I wanna be in your school.

You will next year. Enjoy primary school, it's great. Go on, clear off, or else you'll get in trouble again.

Remember, if they haven't accepted you it's their loss.
You've done the work. You'll succeed no matter what.

I got in!

Who was that?

He was a scout for Manchester United. They wanna give me a trial.

Yo! Yo! Yo!

I hear Mike's gonna play for Man United.

Yeah

That's pretty neat!

Yeah, he's going to take me to all the games and introduce me to everyone.

Shit, you're so lucky!

You're going to have to put this nonsense behind you Michael.
You're going to Oxford and that is that.

Football is for boys. It is a game. It's good fun, but it is a game nonetheless.

You're a man now. You need a solid, stable career
and Oxford is a good foundation for that.

I know.

I'm proud of you. I'm pleased that they want you,
but football is only a viable career choice if you have no other choices.

You're not from a council estate. You're better than that.

I know.

So, your brother just gave it all up?

Yeah.

Didn't he wanna be a footballer?

He wanted it all right. He'd had it pummeled into him
from a very early age that daddy was always right.

Daddy made him good at football, daddy wanted him to go to Oxford.
Daddy was always right

Daddy also used to take it out on mummy
when the boys used to misbehave as well.

Rather than having our mother hurt,
he gave up his moment and took mine from me.

It's okay. He would have got bored of the fame eventually
and the moment just would have passed.

Did your brother regret his decision?

Yeah of course he did. I think it's one of the reasons
why he was found hanging in his bedroom.

He killed himself?

Yeah.

He didn't even leave a note.

I think he made a lot of decisions that he regretted,
but in the end we're all gonna have a lot of regrets.

Unless you've spent every moment getting exactly what you want
when you want it, then that's just the way it's gonna be.

Because you think everyone lives most of their
lives bored and miserable?

Yeah.

And they only have moments of happiness?

Yeah.

Isn't it illegal to smoke in the workplace?

Fuck the law. I do what I want.

You should too, it's very liberating.
It makes the world a much better place.

But most people don't suffer from constant
sickening dark thoughts.

Back to your dark thoughts again.

Trust me you're not alone.
Lots of other people have dark thoughts as well.

But constantly though. Do people think them constantly?

No. That's because people aren't bothered about them.

What do you mean?

Your dark thoughts bother you don't they?

Yeah. If you have my thoughts they'd bother you as well.

The things I think of, the things I think of doing, I am a sick man.

I don't think so. The fact that your thoughts trouble you
mean that you're probably less disturbed than the rest of us.

What do you mean by that?

Your dark thoughts are sexual aren't they?

And violent.

I know.

Sometimes they're just sad, lonely and afraid. I don't mind those thoughts.

The sexual and violent ones don't make me want to cry,
they make me feel sick.

They're the thoughts that tell me I should kill myself.

Just to be unhappy would be bliss.
I am sick of feeling like a monster.

Let's talk about porn.
Porn?

Yes. You do wank don't you?

Um...
Yes John you do, we all do.

Yeah, I guess.

But it's that hardcore nasty shit that turns you on.
Well it's...

Same for all of us. Look at the porn sites that you see
on the internet.

It's damaged people being damaged by damaged people.

What?

Think about the sites that you see on the internet.
It's not all beautiful girls in lingerie now is it?

There are millions of sites out there and they all advertise
with the words 'bitch' or 'whore' or 'slut' or 'slag'.

If you look hard enough they'll probably be a site out
there called "The Bitch Whore Slut Slags".

None of these sites are about making love to beautiful women.

They're not even about fucking them.
They're about pain.

They're about damaging people, degrading them
and leaving them used and abused.

And these sites relish that fact. They know what we want.
They advertise the fact that they exploit people.

How is this supposed to help me?

I'm trying to show you that no matter how sick or diseased
you think your mind is, your thoughts are no worse than anyone else's.

Anyway, back to porn.

Millions of men are logging onto sites to
see women being hurt and degraded.

Every one of these sites has women being fucked
in the arse and why do we want to see that?

Because we want to see the girl hurt.

Any soft-headed small-dicked bastard who tells you
"it's the extra grip" thing, they're just talking shit.

We know it's uncomfortable to have something shoved up
your arse and we want to see the girl uncomfortable.

And all the men always have huge cocks.

Is that for the lady's extra pleasure?
No. It's for the lady's extra discomfort.

The larger the object shoved up an arse, the more painful it is.

Fisting! Also popular wanking material. We want to see men sticking
their fists into women because that looks really fucking painful.

We want to see women covered in spunk, in their faces,
on their lips and preferably in their eyes.

We want them to be uncomfortable, to look a mess
and to be as degraded as possible.

And that's why there are websites dedicated to women fucking animals.
Because let's face it, what's more degrading than fucking a pig?

Oh let's have a wank over this poor girl.
A poor girl fucking a horse, even better!

Not only is there the indignity of fucking an animal,
but an animal with a really big fucking dick.

Degrading and painful. What a mixture.

Not everyone gets turned on by this stuff.

You don't know that, they might do. Men wank over porn.
That's not just a generalisation, that's a fact.

But not always women fucking horses.

No, but their thinking's the same.
You see it's all about damaged people.

We know that the girls on these sites aren't
happy little bunnies living their sweet little lives.

These girls are the used and the abused and we like it.
These are the girls who didn't get enough love when they were kids.

The girls who turned to drink and drugs.

The girls who want money and attention
and don't care how they get it.

They're willing to fuck any old stranger and swallow any old fucker's spunk
and be referred to as cheap fucking sluts because that's what they think they are.

We know it's no little girl's dream to be gang-banged on film
by strangers but that is part of the turn-on.

These are the girls that didn't get their fairytale happy ending.

There they are spread-eagled in front of us,
degrading themselves for just a little bit of cash.

This is what we're wanking off over.

We may not be watching a woman fuck a horse,
but we might as well be.

It is you know, Trevor

It can't be.

It is, it's an arctic warbler.

Well I never! An arctic warbler.

Take a picture Carol, or people won't believe us.

If you told me this morning I was going to see an arctic
warbler, I never would have believed you.

It's very exciting.

Indeed, it is!

Oh dear, I'm afraid nature calls.
I was trying to hold it in.

You're weeing with excitement!
Yes, maybe I am.

* Urinating sounds *

* A creak *

* Ominous background noise *

* Urinating sounds *

* A clash of noise *

Maybe you're right.

I am right.

We're all damaged.

We feel so worthless that we wank over
people that we feel are more desperate than us.

The fact that those girls were willing to do that and didn't
even need to be forced it just makes it all the more tragic.

We're worse than rapists if you think about it.

You can't get turned on by somebody that you actually like.
Try as you might, you can't masturbate thinking about them.

It has to be a girl that you think is just as damaged as you,
because she'll be willing to do anything.

Even with a sad creature like you.

Yeah. The child in us is dead
and all that's left is a damaged shell.

So whether you're a Peeping-Tom, or a flasher,
or a self-harmer or an alcoholic,

or a crack addict, or a paedophile, or a rapist,
or a serial killer, or just a plain old-fashioned wanker,

there's one thing that we all have in common.
That sweet innocent little child is gone and what's left is a lot darker.

It doesn't make me feel any better to think
that everyone is as fucked up as me.

In fact, it makes me feel that my life is even more pointless.

What's wrong with pointless?

It's no fun.

We don't all live in a continuous world of fun, John.

But people have fun.

What's stopping you from having fun?

I'm stopping me from having fun.

People have happiness because they have things they want
and there is nothing I want.

I don't want a big job promotion, I don't even want a fucking job.

I don't want a girl. I don't even like people.

I drink, I take drugs and I think dark thoughts
because nothing else interests me.

OK, maybe people spend most of their time bored and think
sick thoughts, but at least they're capable of feeling more.

Some people spend their time trainspotting or birdwatching.
They could be happy out in the rain with a pair of binoculars and I can't
even be happy with a room full of naked girls and a bucket of cocaine.

Maybe no one can recapture that feeling of childhood, but...

I know they're having a better time than me.

Yes, you're right, some people are a lot easier to please than others.

Some people do actually have fun bird watching.
Others need to climb mountains, some need to throw themselves off mountains
and some need to smoke a shit load of crack.

They've found ways of dealing with their miserable lives.
Unfortunately you just haven't found your way.

I've told you, nothing interests me.

* Sexual groaning *

* Music Stops *

Hello perverts.

Hello.

I'm about to ruin your party. You're all about to die.

* Stab and screams *

What games are we playing now boys? Sounds interesting.

Ooh, yeah! Ooh, I like that.

* Stab and screams in pain *

* Stab and screams in pain *

* Music ends *

What about your dark thoughts?

What about them?

They interest you.

What do you mean?

Your dark thoughts interest you.

You said that you drink and take drugs and think dark thoughts because
nothing else interests you, so that must mean that they do interest you.

But I don't enjoy thinking them.

I think you should stop trying to recapture your childhood feelings
and start learning to enjoy your new adult ones.

I mean, that is kind of why you're here.

How do you mean?

Why are you here?

Because I read your advert.

OK and what was it about the advert that captured your attention?

It described a lot of things that I've been feeling.
It said you'd be able to help me.

How did you think I was gonna do that?

Because it fucking said you'd be able to help me.

The ad guaranteed you'd be able to help me, and that's why I'm here.

That's right it did, but how did you think I was gonna manage that?

Well I don't know. I thought maybe you'd talk to me
and try and persuade me not to kill myself.

Why would I persuade you not to kill yourself
if all that you think you're gonna feel is nothing but misery?

Maybe killing yourself would be a good idea.

I dunno. Yeah, maybe it is, but what is your point?

The point is I think you can have fun. I think you can feel more.

And I think that deep down you feel that you can feel more
and that's why you haven't killed yourself.

But how can I feel more?

By enjoying the feelings that you have already.

What are you saying?

Your dark thoughts. You need to learn to enjoy them.

Not everybody wants to become a parent,
not everybody wants to throw themselves off a mountain.

Not everybody wants to shoot up heroin but some people do
and that's OK. That's their way of getting through this life

and living out your dark thoughts could be yours.

I don't wanna live them out.

I think you do.

* Ominous drone *

* A door creaks *

Shhh.

* The sound of something being knocked over *

I really think you should check on Max.
It sounds like he's causing chaos back there.

I've told you he's fine.

He doesn't sound fine.

Trust me, he is.

Let me go and check on him, I'm good with dogs.

Look, if you go and check on him then you're only going to overexcite him.
If you just leave him as he is he will eventually calm down.

Honestly, leave it with me. I'm better with dogs than I am with people.
I'll settle him down.

I fucking told you he's fine. Now sit the fuck down.

I'm sorry Carl but I don't trust you.

From the conversation we've had so far
you seem as fucked as me

and I don't believe that you can look after anyone,
not even a dog, so I want to see if he's all right.

I'm warning you John, you'd better sit the fuck down.

Or you'll do what?

Just. Sit. Down.

I'm sorry Carl, but I'm gonna go and check on Max

* Thump and music cuts out *

* Distorted drone builds and then dissipates*

From now on, if you don't hold an ordinary adult
conversation I will shoot you in the head.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah.

Earlier you said that you couldn't have fun in a room full of
naked girls and with a bucket of cocaine.

Why is that?

What the hell is this Carl?

I'm warning you, John.

Continue the conversation and answer the question
or I will shoot you in the fucking head.

Why could you not have fun in a room full of naked
girls and a bucket full of cocaine?

Because... because I'd want to take my aggression out on the
girls and use the cocaine to block out my existence

Yeah? What's wrong with that?

It's sick.

I know it is, but so what?

Are you suggesting I go and kick the shit out of some girls?

Yes, if you want to.

You can't continue to be bored just because your interests are morbid.

You can't stop having fun just because you need a little
bit extra stimulation compared to other people.

* creaking noises *

Are you alright Midget?

Get out. Get out. This has nothing to do with you.

You can't just go around doing anything you want.

Why not?

I've got morals and there's laws against it.

Fuck morals, and fuck the law.

You can't just do things at the expense of other people.

What makes your life more important than theirs?

Nothing. The only person you've got a moral obligation
towards is yourself.

I'm really sorry if it affects anybody but it's just unlucky. In the
same way that it's unlucky that you were born the way that you were.

Are you suggesting that

I should attack and abuse people if the idea just pops in my head?

Yes.

Are you condoning rapists and murderers?

Look, I don't know what you're doing here Carl but
you're starting to freak me out.

Thank you for your time and all, but i'm just gonna go.

OK. Nobody's holding you here, but before you go
I just want to show you something.

What?

Well actually it's a gift.
You'll accept a present from me won't you?

Yeah I suppose.

OK good. I'll just go and get it. Won't be a moment.

* A clang of music *
Here we are!

I brought this for you.

You can't take it with you though, you're gonna have to use it here.

What are you doing with her?

She's my present to you.

I don't want her Carl.
Thanks but I'm just gonna go.

You're free to leave but the moment that you exit
I'm gonna put a bullet in her brain.

What?

The moment that you leave I'm gonna shoot her in the head.

Why are you gonna shoot her, Carl?

Oh I would have thought that was obvious.
If I let her go she's gonna go to the police.

What have you done to her?

Nothing. Well, nothing except knocking her out,
kidnapping her, binding and gagging her.

*cries*

* jolly whistling *

I love it out here.

You know, some people think that I'm a boring guy.
A 'goodie two shoes' if you like.

I don't drink, I don't smoke and I generally
don't have any vices.

I like to feel healthy, to feel good about myself, you know?
I'm lucky, I like myself.

I think that most people that don't take care of
themselves don't actually like themselves very much.

Anyway, this is the spot where I buried the first child.

I don't do anything weird to 'em... I just...
I like to see them still.

Who is she?

I dunno

You don't know?

No.

Where did you get her from?

It's just some random passer by that I saw on the street
that I grabbed and I brought in.

Why?

Like I said, she's a present for you.

Carl, this is...

This is what?

Really fucking weird.

I don't know what you think you're doing here
but this is wrong.

Wait, this isn't some sort of joke is it?

It's not going to be funny,
but it is meant to be helpful.

Helpful?

Yes.

You spend all your time miserable, board and on the verge of suicide
because you have no outlet for your passions.

You desperately want moments, but you don't know how to get them,
because you're scared of what you are.

You spend your time trying to recapture a childlike sense of wonder
instead of enjoying your naturally morbid adult imagination.

I want you to stop being scared. I want you to enjoy who you are.

I don't want to hurt anyone Carl.
I think you've made a mistake, I'm fine as I am.

Oh shut the fuck up and don't patronise me.

You've already told me that you want to hurt women.
And how can you be fine if you're suicidal? Fucking idiot.

"Do me a favour Carl, will you please kill me?
Boo hoo hoo, I keep having all these dark thoughts"

Fucking pathetic bastard.

If you want to talk to me then don't fucking lie to me again.

If you lie to me, I'm going to shoot
this fucking bitch in the head right now.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Look, I'm not fine
but I just don't want to see her get hurt.

OK good. Now I believe you, now we're getting somewhere.

What do you want from me?

I don't want anything from you. You're the one who asked me for help,
and that's what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna help you.

I've been helping people for a long time now
so why don't you just fucking let me help you?

Christ knows none of this is for me, this is all for you.

You wanted my help, now you're just spitting it back in my face.

You're just like my fucking brother. Too busy whinging
and not busy enough getting the most out of his shitty life.

Even although he was brave enough to put a rope around his neck
he was still too chicken shit to take what he wanted

and why? Because he didn't want people saying anything behind his back
and he didn't want our mother getting hurt.

What a fucking pussy.

And now here you are, exactly the same.
Whinging about how shit life is.

And how you wish you were dead
instead of taking your share of the excitement.

What a pair of pathetic bastards. Not scared of hurting yourself,
not scared of death, but scared of hurting anybody else instead.

You want this, you want that,
but you don't want it happening to others.

Oh diddums. Poor little Johnny doesn't want to hurt anybody.

Poor little Johnny would rather take his own life.

Little Johnny would rather slit his own little wrists.

Let me tell you something.
Little Johnny is a pathetic little cunt.

Sometimes I wonder what I do it for.
Honestly I do.

Can I say something to you Carl?

Yes of course you can.

And you promise not to shoot her?

As long as you don't lie to me.

I think you need help as well.
This isn't a normal thing to do.

Fuck normal. What the fuck is normal anyway?

Well it isn't kidnapping a woman and holding a
gun to her head now is it?

But it is for some people. Me for example.

Bird watching isn't normal for you, but it is for some people.

I don't get bird watching either. Nothing on this planet seems more dull
and boring. If you ask me you've got to be a bit fucking strange to do that.

But it works for some people and who are we to argue?

Jumping out of a plane, taking a shitload of drugs - these activities probably
seem more understandably stimulating to you, like they do to me.

Yet you're one of the people who still needs more than
even those activities, and so am I.

It may not be normal, but what is fucking normal?
Not you, not me, not anybody.

But those other activities don't harm anyone else.
This woman has done nothing to you.

* pop *

I think you're missing the point here John.

Which is?

None of this is for me, this is all for you.

What?

I didn't kidnap this woman for myself,
I kidnapped her for you.

I'm merely helping out a fellow man, I'm doing him a favour.
You don't need to feel bad about it though because you didn't ask me to do it.

So here she is, guilt-free for your use.

I don't want her Carl.
Look, we could let her go. Persuade her not to go to the police.

Thanks for trying to help me and all but this isn't going to work out for me.

Shut the fuck up John. Obviously I'm not going to let her go.
And as for you not wanting her that's fucking bullshit.

You're going to act out your darkest thoughts whether you like it or not.

Have you or have you not ever fantasised about having a woman
bound and gagged at your disposal?

Don't lie to me John or I will shoot her in the fucking head.

All right. All right, I have. But fantasising about it
and doing it are two different things.

How are they?

One's real and the other's not.

Obviously, but apart from that?

I don't get what you mean

What is the difference between fantasising about something and doing it,
except for the fact that one's real and the other isn't?

Nobody gets hurt in a fantasy.

But you have to believe that they do.

What?

For a fantasy to work, you have to believe that it's actually real.
You don't get turned on by the concept of something,
you have to believe it's actually happening.

When using a sex phone line, the people using the line
need to know that the woman on the other end is who she says she is

and is doing what she says she's doing.

If you don't believe that your fantasy is happening
then you don't get turned on by it.

Yeah. I'm only 18, yeah.

Barely legal mate, yeah, you're gonna pop me cherry that's right.

Yeah. Ooh it's right tight. Like a gnat's arse. Yeah.

Ooh fuck me that hurts.

Oh you're the daddy oh, you're so big, oh.

And I'm just a little school girl with a right tight chuff.

Oh, you're the daddy, yeah.

Am I what? Black? Yeah I'm black.

Is that you done yeah? Oh, oh you're welcome shug.
Speak to you soon duck. Ta-ra. Ta-ra.

What is your point?

When you fantasise about having a woman bound and
gagged at your disposal, then you believe it's real.

No. No, I know it's a fantasy.

No you don't. I'm telling you that for any fantasy to work
You need to believe, even for a split second, that it's real.

You don't go around believing that every fantasy you've ever had is a real
event that's actually happened, but you do need to believe that at the time.

Maybe, but I still don't get what your point is.

My point is you want to fuck this woman over.

You've fantasised about it, you've got your kicks out of believing
that you have done it, which means that you do want to do it.

So just fucking do it. She's here for you to use, so fucking use her.

Fuck her. Sodomise her. Kick her. Punch her.
Stop being so fucking namby pamby.

Everybody's doing the things that they enjoy doing because
this miserable life is so boring they have to.

So shut the fuck up, follow your heart and rape this
bitch before I kill the pair of you.

I don't want to.

Yes you do.

Honestly Carl, I don't.

You'd better not say that again.

Why?

Or else I'm going to start putting fucking bullets in her head.

What do you want me to say?

I want you to tell us the fucking truth, John.
Tell me the truth.

What's that?

That you want to do sick shit to this woman.

All right, all right, I want to do sick shit to this woman.

That's better.
Now tell me what kind of sick shit you want to do to this woman.

I don't know um, I can't think of anything at the moment.

You do know, tell me.

I don't know, err I... I want to rape her.

You wanna rape her?

Yeah.

Is that it?

Yeah.

Of all the dark thoughts in your head,
all you want to do is just rape her?

Yeah.

I don't believe you. You're gonna have to
come up with something better than that John.

I don't know, look, you're making me nervous
I can't think of anything.

Stop being so soft John. You've got 10 seconds to tell me what sick
shit you want to do to this girl or I'm going to start shooting.

All right I want to...
Yeah?
I want to...
Quickly!

I want to fuck her in the arse whilst punching her in the back of the head.

You wanna fuck her in the arse and punch her in the back of the head?
Yeah.

Come on then, let's do it and
don't you fucking tell me you don't want to.

But I don't have an erection.

You'll get one. Come on.
I'm going to.
Fucking come on then.
* Screams *

* Gun shot *

Why did you do that? I was only trying to help.

Are you alright?

I think so.

I'm sorry.

What for?

For all this.

It's not your fault.

I almost left you alone.

What do you mean?

When he first brought you out I said I didn't want you.
I almost left you alone with him.

Doesn't matter.

I would have gone to the police.

I know

I'm sorry.

You've got nothing to be sorry for. You saved my life. Thank you.

What should we do now?

Don't know.

Do you suppose I'll get in trouble?

What for?

Killing him.

Is he definitely dead?

I suppose I don't know.

I'll check.

Yeah. He's dead. There's no pulse.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Look, you had no choice. He had a gun to my head
and he was gonna make you... you know.

I know.

They could take me to court for manslaughter or something.

Could they?

I think so.

I won't let them, you saved my life.

I don't mind really.

I mind.

Why should that sick bastard cause you any more hassle?

I'm sure I won't go to prison or anything.

Nobody needs to know we were here.

What?

Do you have a motive for killing him?

I didn't even know him before today.

Perfect.

What do you mean?

Did anyone know you were coming today?

Um... No.

Right. So neither of us know this guy and there's
nothing to tie us here today so...

we could just walk away and pretend it never happened.

Do you think we should?

Yeah... Yeah... Fuck him

Why should we let him cause us any more hassle?

I don't want police interviews and all that shit.

I just want to go home and pretend this never happened.

Yeah.

Fuck him.

Let's just leave him here.

Yeah. I suppose we could.

Yeah. Right that's settled then, that's what we'll do.

Thanks John

for saving me, I wish I could repay you.

I was so scared, I honestly thought I was going to die.

So was I.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Why were you here today?

I was kind of here for therapy.

I don't know, it seems stupid now.

He had an ad in the local paper.
It mentioned a lot of things that I've been feeling.

It said he could help. I was desperate.

I wasn't thinking straight.

But you know, in a way he showed me that I'm not a big bad
monster after all and there are real monsters out there.

I just want to go back and live an ordinary decent life.

Yeah. That sounds good to me.

Thanks John.

What for?

Saving me.

Not at all. I just hope he didn't hurt you.

He would have done if, it wasn't for you.

Right. I just need to get my bag, um.
He put it in his drawer.

Right. Let's go.

* A door creaks shut *

* Gasps for air *

Fuck me.

Christ Almighty, I thought those bastards would never leave.

Note to self: make sure I fall down in a comfy position

because some bastards like a right good natter
after they've shot somebody.

Breathe it out.

Relax

and back into it.

Stop swearing.

Fucking hell, stop swearing.

And... back to being Steven.

* Door creaks *
Hello Steven.

Hello you.

So. How do you think that went?

Yeah, I think it went all right. What do you think?

Yeah...yeah I think I got what I wanted out of it.

Good. I mean, I found it absolutely fascinating.

I mean, I suppose it's a bit like aversion therapy.

Not really.

So, Carl was your brother?

Yeah.

Yeah? OK.

Were Carl's stories real?

Yeah. Well, except for raping the homeless woman and the thing
with Julia, the relationship, that could never have happened
because Carl died in childhood

not long after Michael killed himself, actually.

Oh. OK, I'm sorry.

Don't be.

I mean, at least your brother's stories were useful.

Obviously you're the expert,
but I really think John let go some of his demons there.

I mean that's... that's what I thought when he...
when he left.

Well yeah he did say that,
but he's still a man isn't he? And he can't change that.

*Creaking floorboards and ominous drone *

What have you been doing Midget?

You saw what he did. Why didn't you help me?

* stab *

Well, I'm not sure what you're trying to get out of it anyway,
but I'm sure you know what you're doing.

Yeah. I know what I'm doing.

Uh but what did you think of my performance?

Yeah. I expected no less.

Good.

Well...

I'm glad you liked it, um...

Look, I'm gonna go. I'll email you my invoice, um...

Do you know when I might get paid?

You won't.

What?

You won't get paid.

Why not?

Because you'll be dead.

What?

Mmm... actually, I'm surprised you're still conscious,
you really should have collapsed by now.

What do you mean?

Well John went bang on cue out in the corridor, so I was actually
expecting you to be unconscious when I came back in.

I'm not following.

Well, see... normally the poison in the wine
would have taken effect by now

and you would be unconscious or dead like John is.

John's dead?

Yeah.

He started finding it hard to breathe, so I gave him a bottle of water.
He took a glug and he keeled right over.

I then put an empty jar of sleeping pills in his hand because the swig of
water he took was the equivalent to a month's supply of those pills.

They'll just assume he died of an overdose.

Suicide.

Which will make perfect sense once they've seen the tape.

Why?

Tape?

Yeah the tape.

The whole thing's been recorded. Look, there's the camera.

* thud *

Once I've edited the tape, it will show John
shooting you and leaving with me.

Then the tape will run out, so they won't see you getting up

and they won't see me coming back in and shooting you.

The first bullet was a blank.

But the next one is real.

It's a shame, really, that I can't just have them both be real
and let the men shoot each other in the grapple but...

I can't trust men with real bullets can I?

Not when they've got the gun to my head, right?

I'm going to shoot you now

but it will speed up your death a bit and you're probably
in quite some discomfort aren't you? So the quicker the better.

Why are you doing this?

I just don't like men.

* Gun Shot *

* Music fades away and a mobile phone rings *

Hiya

I've got another man for you.
He joined the class a couple of weeks ago.

Oh absolutely, he takes it all very seriously, he said

"I'd love the opportunity to be fully immersed in a character"

Oh he'd do it all, he's an idiot.

He's a man.

No. No, I didn't let him fuck me up the...