All language subtitles for Girls.Night.In.2021.WEBRip.x264-ION10-English

My name is Maddy and I
have three moms and no dad.

That sounds pretty wild,

and I totally wanna
explain everything,

but first we should
meet Lynette Price.

Not too many years ago,

Lynette was a grad student and
lived in the academic wilds

of Southern California.

School didn't allow
Lynette too many breaks

but one thing she
looked forward to

was the monthly dinner
party she took turns hosting

with her best friends,
Jessica and Candy.

Just a second.

I was robbed.

My God, I'm
calling the police.

Hello-hello.

We've got an emergency.

What happened?

Jess got robbed last night.

I'm trying to call the police.

Couldn't you call
them last night?

They wouldn't let me use my
cell phone in the ambulance.

What were you doing
in an ambulance?

They had to take
me to the hospital

to get out the shrapnel.

Shrapnel?

It's okay, honey, the
staples are holding.

Why did they staple you?

Well, there's this little
girl and she needed a kidney

and we were a match.

You donated one
of your kidneys?

That's so, so-

- Out of character.

Well everything changed
when I saw the angel.

Oh, a real angel?

She was wearing this
amazing dress, Dior, I think.

Angel.

She was super cute. All glowy.

Jess, what do you need?

Your apartment.

When did Jessica
as a young girl

realize that people were
treating her specially

because of the way she looked?

And when did she figure
out how to use that

to her advantage?

Aren't you going
to kick me out?

You must keep your hands
to yourself, Jessica.

Why aren't you
going to kick me out?

I pushed over Melanie.

Yes. And you cannot do that.

Kick me out, make
her play Clara.

She's so much better than me.

I know, but-

- See, you agree she's better.

Our donors expect
grace and beauty.

You project that
better than Melanie.

How? I'm a total slob.

Have my sister Carolyn do it.

She's beautiful
and full of grace.

We don't have time for this.

You will play the part of Clara.

You will let Melanie coach you,

and you will keep your
hands to yourself.

Or what?

Or I will let your mother
know that you hit another child.

Did you hear what
Melanie said to me?

When you told her to help
me she said, "Why bother?"

Take this.

Go to the bakery and
get yourself something.

Cool down. And then come back.

Is this a bribe?

It's a deal.

Why do you need my apartment?

I have a date, silly.

You also have
your own apartment.

You have a date?

Oh, so you're okay.

Oh, careful. My face hurts.

Oh.

From where the robbers beat you?

It's been hurting
worse every day.

I bought this makeup Iman and
I think I'm allergic to it.

Iman? The model? But you
don't want anything like her.

I'm doing a tanned thing.

Damn Iman!

It's been hurting all week.

Have you seen a doctor?

Yeah. He gave me some goop,
but I'm not going to touch it.

Why not?

Goop dries out your skin.

If I dry my skin, I'll look old.

But-

- Well, I'm not going to
walk around looking old.

People do it every day.

Lynnie, this is
how you can help me.

Let me use your apartment so
this guy thinks I'm smart.

Jess, you are smart.

No, I have taste.
Big difference.

Does my apartment look smart?

What moron convinced
young Lynette

that being the smartest
one in the room

wasn't a good thing?

Hi, Enzo.

Hey, Lynette.

Mr. Marsh said that you
were looking for someone

to help you with geometry.

I'm a pretty good tutor.

Look, I know you're smart

but that doesn't mean I
want to hang out with you.

- But-
- No.

Are you going to buy anything?

Because I gotta
get back to work.

Enzo, clean toilet.

Good afternoon.

Special today is spinach
and croissant.

I guess I'll have a
piece of Devil's Food cake.

You have smart things.

Your smart pictures,

smart furniture.

Look at this flute thing.

No normal person can
play a thing like this.

It was an heirloom.

Say that again.

Heirloom.

Heirloom.

Heirloom.

Oh, look, honey.

This precious little flute
thing here is a heirloom.

An heirloom.

Oh, of course I don't
know how to play it.

That's a lost art form
from the underclass.

Actually you can
learn how down at the Y.

What's a "Y"?

The YMCA. Where I teach
knitting and take scrapbooking.

Is this a first date?

No. Third.

Third date with the same guy?

Congratulations!

Ow.

No, it's just that
getting to a third date

seems hard for you.

Ow.

No, it's not that men don't
want to go out with you.

It's just-

- You get bored.

Like men never bore you two.

I never meet any.

At her job, Candy must have
to beat them off with a stick.

Young candy
seemed to know right

from the start that her
sunny smile could light up

even the darkest day.

Hi.

I'm Candy's mother.

There's been a
loss in the family.

I know.

I was told. I'm sorry.

Candy.

Did you grab your
reader, Sunshine?

You call her Sunshine?

Oh, we all do. It's her smile.

Oh, I could put a
stop to it if you-

- No. Please don't.

It's beautiful.

Bye, Ms. Jenkins.

Bye.

Mommy, why are you so sad?

I miss my mommy.

When you're sad, something
sweet can make you feel better.

That's what Ms. Jenkins says.

Maybe we'll stop on the
way and get your favorite.

Hugs can help too.

They help so much, Sunshine.

Our first two dates
were out on the town

so now I'm going to show
him my domestic side.

You don't have
a domestic side.

Well, exactly.

So I'm going to use yours.

Ooh, is this with that guy
who works on the 21st floor?

No, I'm so over him.

18th floor?

He kisses like Scooby-Doo.

The hunk from the mail room?

Like I would ever
do the mail room.

But-

- Hey, we agreed
that never happened.

Is this that guy we met
at that party last weekend?

Which?

The tall one.

Dark hair?

No, no no. Which party?

You and I met a photographer.

Oh yeah!

He stared at me
with bridal lust.

I almost slapped him.

I talked to him a little.

Little? More like 45 minutes.

But yeah, he and I went out
for drinks later that night.

Oh.

He seemed nice.

He is going to take one
look around this apartment

and think that I don't
need him, which is perfect.

My apartment says
I don't need men?

Everything about you
says you don't need men.

She's working on her PhD.

Exactly.

Educated women don't need men?

Maybe for experiments
or something.

But, look, you
talk so much about

whatever it is that you study

that I could write a
desecration of my own.

Well, don't worry.

I'm through talking about it.

See, she's sick of it too.

You've finished
your dissertation?

Oh, congratulations.

Are we celebrating?

Should I get a stripper?

I know a really good one
with a pizza boy routine.

Let's celebrate with
what I got from work.

There's salads and for
dressing we have honey-mustard,

light Italian and
strawberry pistachio

Strawberry pistachio?

Is that a new recipe?

New accident, but
it's not that bad.

Dude, your disaster
dressing can be poisonous.

Like the strawberries
and the nuts

could have some crazy
chemical reaction

like when you mixed
drink cleaners.

When did you ever
touch drain cleaner?

I saw it on "News
of the Weird".

Some lady died.

Oh, shut up and
taste it, Jess.

Damn it!

You hate it?

Well, it's delicious.

Then what?

Why does Candy have
to be so creative?

I mean, it's bad
enough that she looks

how she looks.

Why don't you borrow
Candy's place for your date?

Uh.

Guys love creative women.

And in her bedroom Candy has
scratch-and-sniff wallpaper.

Oh I wore that out.

And books from
all over the world.

I never knew there was more
than one version of Cinderella.

Yeah, the Brothers
Grimm's version

is called "Aschenputtel".

Amazing.

Jess, this guy would
fall in love with you

if you were Candy.

"Ashpuddle". It sounds dirty.

Ow.

Face. Ow.

Hey, why don't we
take our monthly picture

so you can take
off Iman's makeup.

No, no, I can wait.

You guys finish
your little salads

with your scary dressing.

Oh. It feels kind of
like sunburn your face.

Your face?

Yeah.

Like warm and prickly.

But if I just stare at the wall

and don't move, it's fine.

But then my neck gets tired.

I'm so sorry you're
not feeling good, Jess.

Lynnie, do you have any acids
so I can burn my skin off?

Go get some ice
out of the freezer.

Okay.

Lynnie, I don't think
your ice is cold enough.

Blow on it.

That cools it off.

Ow! My face hurts when I blow.

I'm not gonna touch that.

Why don't you wanna
stick your whole head in?

Ow.

Oh my God I'm stuck.

I'm stuck, you guys.

I'm stuck, guys!

I'm stuck.

Hold still.

Owie, ow!

Lynnie, what happens next?

I have to defend
my dissertation.

Defend it?

This panel of professors
rakes me over the coals.

Speaking of burning
coals, my face is burning.

The process helps me
scrape away the b.s.

I wish I could scrape
this freezer off my face.

Ow.

I'm counting on
them approving it.

If not, my face
is going to be so-

- Oh, don't say it.

If anyone's face
is red, it's mine.

It burns.

And it's like the sun.

Let's take our picture.

How long is the timer?

About two seconds.

Ow.

Try again.

Oh, nice picture of my butt.

I need ice.

Hold on, hun.

Oh, the camera died.

Aw.

I'm sorry.

Now, Jess, you and Iman's
curse can part company.

Thank you.

Lynnie, are you in therapy?

A therapist does
have to go through

a certain amount of
therapy to get a degree,

but I am resisting.

So are you in therapy?

Yes, but that's not helping.

Are you in therapy?

I was, but she dropped me.

Candy had actually been in
therapy for about six months

at that point.

A string of disappointing
relationships

had left her feeling

like she was doing
something very wrong.

But was she?

He hates that I make
more money than him.

Well, why shouldn't
you make more?

You have a very demanding job:

heavy trays,
rambunctious customers.

Also he doesn't
think I'm funny.

He thinks that I'm a loner,

that my hobbies are weird.

Uh, which hobbies?

Well, my cat outreach,

my knitting.

Well, alright.

It sounds to me
like Larry is um-

- Lowry.

Lowry?

Really?

Lowry?

Well, it sounds to me like
Lowry cares about image.

Well, when we were
out to dinner last week,

he seemed to be flirting
with other women constantly.

Mm.

He said he was
just being friendly.

Uhuh. Made you kinda
uncomfortable, right?

Yes.

He said the time we
had sex was a mistake.

You had sex only once?

Did you enjoy it?

I was glad he wanted
to have sex with me.

All those things that he
said about you are not true.

Okay?

You are funny.

And you're not a loner.

I once invited
Lowry to come with me

to cat socialization.

Wait, wait, wait.

Cat what?

A cat socialization.

It's where I go to the shelter
to play with the feral kitty

so they get used to humans.

Aren't you priceless?

And you know
what he said to me?

He said, "What makes you think

I would ever want to do that?"

Where does this
relationship stand now?

Well, last night I told him

I don't think he's good for me.

And then I took back
the wall tapestry

that I knitted for
him. That mean?

No.

Imagine how a guy like
that might treat a child.

I shudder to think.

What do I do now?

I need so much therapy.

Okay.

Candy, you got yourself out of
a very unhealthy relationship

all by yourself.

My hats off.

I don't think you have to
come back here anymore.

Time's up.

When was this?

About six months ago.

Ever since my dating
life has been nothing.

Nothing?

Guys hit on you constantly.

No, we all get hit on.

Guys just want to say they
went out with a Curvees girl.

Guys hit on girls that
they think are pretty.

For me it's just the uniform.

It's just like when
I was a cheerleader.

Didn't you go to four
senior proms that year?

Yeah, because guys just
want to take a cheerleader

to the prom.

It's the uniform.

If you were ugly, why did
they make you a cheerleader?

My brother was on
the football team.

Oh, making you a cheerleader

helped your brother
play football?

And my mom was vice
president of the PTA.

Nothing to do with me.

The stuff hurts.

What is it?

It's your skin goop.

I found it under the sink.

Dog shampoo?

Jess.

Come here.

Does she need to
go to the hospital?

Yes!

No.

I better go soon.

I have to get up tomorrow.

Early shift?

No, I have this
special class just.

Jess, seriously, how did you
not know this was dog shampoo?

It smelled nice.

The words, dog shampoo
don't mean anything?

Or the picture of the dog?

Look, I just thought it was
a cheapie brand or something.

And besides why do
you have dogs shampoo?

You don't have a dog.

I sometimes dog-sit.

I can't remember
annoying details like that.

So I'm smart, I'm annoying,
I'm Miss Cheapie Brands?

Hey, you called
yourself the coupon queen.

At least I do my own shopping.

You are always trying
to get some poor idiot

to buy you dinner.

Okay. Well, let's
call it a night.

Oh, but it was
just getting good.

No, it was just getting bad.

I'll call you tomorrow, Lynnie.

Ow. Alright.

Bye bye, Cheapie.

Bye, Jessica.

Sometimes you need therapy
to help sort things out.

And sometimes you
just need a good chat

with a ghost from the past.

A cute ghost.

Hello.

Keith.

Hi. It's Lynette.

A voice from the past.

Wow. How are you?

I just started my doctorate.

So I'm excited. But I'm a mess.

That's great.

I'm so proud of you.

Bobby and I broke up.

How long
were you two together?

Just over four years.

That's how long it's been

since you and I saw each other?

Since you and I last talked.

How's Stella?

Ha, Darla.

How's Darla?

Darla is now my wife.

Oh, she's so lucky.

I'll let you get back to that.

She's not here.

Yeah, but I'm sure your
wife wouldn't want you

to be talking to an ex.

I'm not up to no good.

Uh, are you?

No.

But you and I-

- Why did you
and Bobby break up?

He cheated.

But I think he was
just sick of me.

That's terrible.

Either way that's terrible.

I'm so sorry, Lynnie.

He said he just
couldn't talk to me

and he was sick of trying.

Am I really that
hard to talk to?

You were
never hard to talk to.

Was I a good lover?

I know I have no right to
ask a married man that but-

- Good lover?

Good kisser.

Good at other stuff.

Yes.

Yes, absolutely.

Really?

If you weren't

then we wouldn't have been
together more than once.

Don't you agree?

I guess I would give
you a second chance

with that great smile.

It's just, when
you get cheated on,

you lose all your confidence.

Just feel like you've
lost everything.

You are a
great lover, Lynette.

Thank you.

I mean,
yeah, I'm married, but-

- No. Don't spoil it.

Okay.

You know, you and Darla
would adore each other.

That's nice to hear.

Talk to
you later. Bye.

Jessica's obsession
with looking good

worked in her most of the time.

But a few years earlier,

she applied for a job at a
company with a very silly name

and she spent three
days picking out

the perfect outfit
for the interview.

Oops.

Right through
there. Take a seat.

Alright. Thank you.

Uh, my name is Bill Whitmore,

and I'm here for the
interview, please.

Sign in.

How long will it be?

Just go in way.

Take a seat.
They'll call you in.

Thank you.

How can I help you?

Hi, my name is
Jessica Marshall.

I'm here for the interview.

Sign in please.

You're next.

Thank you, James.

It's a pleasure, Miss Marshall.

Hello. Um, am I waiting
here for Mr. Reynolds.

I'm Taylor Reynold.

Oh.

Is that a problem?

No, of course not.

It looks like you
dressed for a man.

Um. I-

- You look really good.

Thank you.

Do you like working
for men more than women?

Oh, I like working
more than not working.

Your cover letter was honest.

That's why I brought you in it.

It certainly wasn't your resume.

Oh, I see.

I'll show myself out.

No sit.

You're still in the running.

Do you have siblings?

Yes. One sister.

Her name is Carolyn.

She's a dancer, singer,
actress, choreographer.

I guess I don't have
to do those, huh?

Do these things interest you?

I used to dance.

I fell off the stage
during The Nutcracker.

Your sister doesn't
fall off stages?

God no!

She's beautiful and
graceful and funny, smart.

Can you look this
good every day?

Of course.

Can you be cordial
to people you dislike?

Oh gosh. I've been doing
that since I was like eleven.

Are you planning to get
married or have a baby soon?

Ew.

Are you looking to
rise up through the ranks

or would you be happy
staying in the same position?

Would I get paid the same?

Your salary would accrue.

It would get bigger.

Oh, well then
that would be fine.

Where's your sister now?

Oh she lives in New
York with her family.

Is it bad that I don't care
about rising through the ranks?

The receptionist is
the most important person

at this company.

I have a really
great phone voice.

He or she is the first person

our clients come
in contact with.

I can dress down.

No, your look is perfect.

Congratulations.

Really?

Wow. Women never give me jobs.

Have you had some
wonderful news to share

but one of your pals
ruined your moment?

Hey you guys, try this quiz.

It looks like Femme magazine.

What's wrong with Femme mag?

It's devoted to urging women

to make the most of their
assets while there's still time.

Nothing lobotomy wouldn't fix.

You try everything
to make him stay

yet still his eyes wander.

Take this simple quiz to find
out what you're doing wrong.

Because he's obviously
doing nothing wrong.

I don't think
Femme is that bad.

They have really
great dieting tips.

So what's the first question?

Your man says he prefers
women with larger breasts.

Oh, oh.

Do you, A, remind him
of his own shortcomings?

B, assume he's not interested.

That's not a choice.

B, have the operation.

Or C, switch his glasses

for ones that make things
appear larger than they are.

What operation?

Give me.

I can't tell if you're
making this stuff up or not.

Your man complains that
you're the wrong sex.

Do you, A, get him into therapy

to cure his homosexuality?

B, get therapy yourself?

Or, C, have the operation?

A breast enlargement?

But that would make you
even more the wrong sex.

Maybe sex is just wrong.

I dated a gay man
for seven months.

My God, you didn't
figure it out?

There were signs.

But he knew all these
cute little restaurants.

So what happened?

I gained 10 pounds.

Did the cute
restaurants give it away?

It was the fact that
I gained 10 pounds

and he didn't really mind.

Your man complains that
you're not smart enough.

Do you, A, eat fish,

take night classes and
stand on your head?

B, hire a tutor?

Or, C, secretly
give him a lobotomy?

How is standing on your
head gonna make you smarter?

Does it really say
the lobotomy thing?

I kid you not.

You talk about
lobotomies a lot.

Did you have one?

I tried, but they
only got my tonsils.

Are the tonsils
near the lobotom?

Kidding, sweetie.

Well, I for one have
to applaud dear Jesse

for such a fabulouso dinner.

Hear hear.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Did you really whip
all this up by herself?

Me and Marsha Stewart.

Martha Stewart.
Isn't she great?

Oh, you used a cookbook?

No, there's this tape
where she cooks stuff.

These chicken
wings were to die.

What kind were they?

Uh.

Muhkayzian Style.

Curvees is supposed
to have a great wings

but they can't hold
a candle to yours.

Muhkayzhian style?

Yeah. It's some
country somewhere.

Kind of like Malaysia?

Yes.

Malaysia. They love chicken.

And what was that
green leafy stuff?

Uh.

Mold.

Mold?

Really?

Kind of tasted like basil.

You know, Spago uses basil
in their Malaysian wings too.

Hm.

Is Spago a
Malaysian restaurant?

You know exactly
what Spago is.

You didn't cook
all this, did you?

I wanted to.

That's something.

What about dessert?

Oh, dessert might happen.

We'll see.

Okay. Well I brought
some Devil's Food cake.

You know, just in case.

Just in case what?

In case Jess forgot.

But Devil's Food is
the most important part.

Can we get back to the quiz?

I think I'm winning.

We're not keeping score.

How could you be winning?

The stuff you guys are saying.

Your man wonders how
you look as a blonde.

Do you, A, wonder how
he'd look as a pot roast?

B, dye hair blonde?

C, dye all your hair blonde?

Oh no, no burns.

Pot roast takes too long.

Just shoot him.

See, this is why I'm winning.

You're not winning.

You guys aren't even trying.

I always pick the best answers.

I'm already a blonde
and it's not helping.

You need a blonde
attitude, honey.

I don't even know what that is

and already hate it.

A blonde attitude is when
you don't care as much.

Like, what would you do

if somebody called
you by the wrong name?

During sex?

Well, duh.

When else would you
bother with names?

This one time, this clown
completely forgot my name.

And I just laughed at him.

Do you remember his name?

Of course not.

That's the point.

You may not care about names,

but you do care about
men an awful lot.

And so do you.

I'm trying to get
my life started.

Yeah. So some handsome
prince will come sweep you

off your feet and say, "How
bad are you, brainy wench?

You want to come and
help me rule my kingdom?"

Guys, it doesn't matter

which one of you gets
hit on more or whatever.

You're both beautiful.

Hang on, Candy.

You're the prettiest of all.

No, I'm not.

No, she's not.

I mean, no thank you. I'm not.

Ow.

No, I'm not...

I didn't mean that
you're not pretty.

Then what did you mean?

I just mean she's
not the prettiest.

And you are?

I go out way
more than you two.

Ever work at Curvees.

Is that an accomplishment?

It kind of was for me.

Jess, how good do
you look in tiny shorts

and clingy T-shirts?

Pretty damn good.

It's just not my style.

You guys, we're arguing about
which one of us is prettier.

How silly is that?

Well, beauty is important.

Pretty people make more money.

And my salary
continues to accrue.

Where do you work?

Grouchy Bird?

Barking Parrot.

And what does
Barking Parrot do?

Development.

Of what?

Properties.

Real estate?

Some. I think.

Real estate?

You never mentioned that before.

I thought your company
did stuff for the movies.

I know.

We develop literary
properties. I think.

You write TV shows and stuff?

No. No we don't write them.

We develop them. I think.

What exactly do you do?

Oh, I'm the receptionist.

I send emails.

I make phone calls.

I print stuff.

I'm very busy.

And what do the emails say?

And the phone calls?

Development.

Oh no. I know.

I know. We develop film.

Right.

Movies.

No, no, no, no.

We actually develop actual
film for the actual movies.

Like, like with
chemicals and stuff.

Oh this is going to help
me do my job better.

Oh no.

All better.

Was it something you ate?

Ew.

I'll be fine in a second.

Okay. Now back to me. I'm
a really good receptionist.

I'm, I'm really good at my job.

I make a lot of money.

And I'm so sick and tired
of people telling me

that I'm too stupid to
move up in the company.

I just don't want to move up.

Can we focus on
Candy for a bit?

Oh, yeah.

I can do that.

So, Candy,

your weight-

- Jessica!

What? It's not about me.

I know this really great diet.

There is nothing
wrong with her weight.

There will be.

Oh my God.

You're pregnant?

She's not pregnant, silly.

She just has an eating disorder.

I know this really
great therapist.

No, you guys.

I am pregnant.

Who's the father?

The father?

I mean, usually there is one.

Give her a break.

She obviously forgot.

I didn't forget.

Well have you at
least narrowed it down?

Ew.

Is it someone we
know? Is he cute?

No, you guys.

Oh my God. He's married.

No.

Oh.

Was it R-A-P-E?

No, I wasn't raped.

You guys, I'm just pregnant.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

Sorry?

This cost me a bunch of money.

And you're still pregnant?

I know this really
great abortionist.

It's a test tube baby.

Wait, you got insinuated?

Inseminated.

You went to one of
those sperm banks?

Do you know what kind
of perverts go to those?

Healthy, educated perverts.

I hear some are homo sapiens

and a few practicing
heterosexuals.

Yuck.

You let one of those
father your baby?

Picking out the
father of your child

from just a photo
probably sounds crazy.

But nowadays women use phone
apps to find a boyfriend.

Have things really
changed that much?

Ah yup. Yup. 1000 on
Jim Dandy and the fifth.

Thanks, Tony.

Hi. Welcome, Candy.

Hi.

Please sit.

So here is the catalog.

Oh, okay.

Take a look.

See anything you like?

It's kind of overwhelming.

Ooh.

Have fun with it.

Like it's Christmas morning.

Are any of these
guys serial killers?

No.

No. We keep those
in another binder.

No I'm kidding.

We screen all our clients,
most of our clients.

But you got that in
the, in the pamphlet

that came in the mail.

I'm just-

- A little nervous?

I understand.

Tell you what? Try this.

I want you to close your eyes.

Okay. Now you're you're in a
dark room and you hear a voice.

Sweetheart, can we
get another pitcher

and an order of wings.

No, not a, not a work voice.

This is the voice of your child.

Okay? Try to hear that voice.

Now. Try to see your child.

Can you see your child?

Mm-hm.

Okay.

Boy or girl?

A little girl.

Hi, Beanie.

God, she's beautiful.

Um, Beanie?

Oh, that's what I'm
calling her right now.

Beanie Baby.

Okay.

Well, now open your eyes.

Take a look at the
men in that book

and just choose the one
that reminds you of Beanie.

Uh. Imagine picking a life
partner out of a catalog.

Well, that's the good
thing about this process.

You don't have a life partner.

Just their sperm.

They won't break a date

or break your heart or
spend all your money.

It's just going to be you, and
their sperm, and Beanie Bag.

Erm, Beanie.

Hey, can I get two donors
and mix them up in a test tube?

Kind of like a little sperm
competition for my eggs.

Erm, why would
you want to do that?

Hmm, they're just all so cute.

I can't pick.

Hey.

Sure.

Why not?

I'll tell you what.

This week, for you,

all specimens are
Buy-One-Get-One-Half-Off.

Even throw you a little test
tube baby party if you want.

Is your work guaranteed?

If the process doesn't
work the first time,

we just keep trying.

In fact, we can try it today.

Get pregnant today?

But I'm not dressed for it.

Uh, excuse me.

Hello? Bundles of Joy Labs.

We deliver so you can too.

Oh, Margaret.

How are you?

How are the twins?

Really?

Barking?

Hold on one second.

Just let me know when you
want to make your baby.

Both of them are barking?

Okay. Just promise
me one thing.

If you ever find yourself

in a conversation like the
one you're about to hear,

shut it down,

call the police, order a pizza,

or just get the
hell out of there.

I think having a child
on your own is wonderful.

You do.

You do?

Don't you?

Just buy a dog.

When are you due?

Six months.

Okay. Well, we;ll have
to throw you a shower.

No.

No, people will think
I've been abandoned

and feel sorry for me.

I feel sorry for.

No, we can put
on the invitation,

"This baby is actually wanted."

You know, you deserve a party.

Thank you, Jess.

I mean your life
is about to be over.

So might as well laugh
it up while you can.

Forget about having a
penny to spend on yourself.

No free time.

And the only kind of guys
that are going to be into you

are the creepo fetish types.

You think I haven't
thought of all that stuff?

Well, are you ready for it?

No.

Will you be?

In six months?

Probably not.

Then what business
do you have doing it?

A baby is not a business.

Why don't you just
poke a hole in a condom?

Why don't you
just get married?

No, no. You two are
not going to make me

feel bad about this.

It's a good decision, and I'm
going to have a good baby.

Did I say that right?

I'm going to
squeeze you to pieces.

I could babysit.

What?

Okay. You keep
her walking around

while I call 911.

Obviously Friday
Saturday and Sunday nights

are out of the question.

Okay, she's coming out of it.

I don't hear you
offering to babysit.

I could.

You two would do that for me?

The three of us could raise
a baby better than any couple.

I only offered to babysit.

No. Think about it.

Together we make
up the ideal woman.

Beauty, brains and personality.

An ideal woman is only
made up of three things?

I get it.

Each of our strengths
fills in the weakness

of the other two. Like the
three witches and Macbeth.

I don't see foreign films.

Anyway, what's so
good about a witch?

They have bad skin
and facial hair.

They're strong, smart, in
control their own destiny.

Yeah, yeah. Look,
Lynette is the brains,

you're the personality,

and I'm the beauty.

I'm going to start
cleaning up the dishes now.

Don't leave me alone with her.

What? It's not like
I'm saying something bad.

Candy has personality.

Everybody loves her.

And you, your school
thing. You're all smart me.

Me, I get complimented
a lot, and noticed a lot,

hit on a lot.

Doesn't mean anything.

I get laid, okay?

A lot.

Whenever I want.
By whoever I want.

And meanwhile, you study
and Candy knits, I guess.

That doesn't mean that you're-

- Let's change the subject.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what to say.

I'm so upset right now.

You don't really mean
all this, do you, Jess?

Sure I do.

Oh my God.

It's like a monkey
playing with dynamite.

It's a compliment!

What? Saying that
you're prettier than us.

That's a compliment?

No, I'm saying that
you're smarter than us

and that Candy has more
personality than us.

But you don't care about
brains or personality.

Oh, obviously I
don't need them.

But where would you two be?

Candy, you told us that
you teach stuff at the "Y".

And there's things on your
wall that you knitted.

That's insane.

And now with your
whole baby thing,

if you want a guy
that wants children,

you just show him yours.

And Lynette, you
want a smart guy.

Where else are you
going to find one

than at a college
for smart people?

Brains aren't everything.

If you really thought that

then why didn't you marry
Billy from the hardware store?

Bobby.

Because I didn't want to.

No, because he worked
at a dumb hardware store.

No, because he
called himself Bobby.

Oh, you thought
it was a cute name.

What kind of man
do you want, Jess?

Rich. What else?

Then why do you only
date gorgeous men?

Oh, the gorgeous are much
more likely to be rich.

Ask Darwin.

I actually heard
that on the news.

Also, more of us are famous.

Us?

Us gorgeous people?

Okay.

We.

We gorgeous people.

Are you satisfied?

Not until you apologize.

For what?

Saying we're ugly.

Oh my God. What's that?

Don't you know?
It's your kitchen.

Something
in your oven is on fire!

Oh. That? Don't
worry about that.

What are you doing?

I'm going to go.

What's this?

Nothing.

Jess,

did you us a-

- No!

Are you kidding?

I don't even know
where that came from.

Okay. Well tell Lynnie
I'm sorry but I gotta go.

Tell her to call me later.

What did you burn?

Nothing. It's nothing.

Leave it alone.

Candy left.

What did she say?

She said that she wanted
to leave before you got back.

Oh God.

Should I call her?

No. You should
probably leave too.

Okay. Fine.

Good night.

Thank you for
ruining everything!

Lynette and Candy
stayed busy, of course.

They lived in an exciting city,

and they found lots of
new ways to explore it.

But sometimes is it just
more fun with three?

I don't know.

That's a terrific title

for your dissertation, Lynette.

Yay.

But you were finished.

What made you
suddenly change it?

You said yourself

that the original title
lacked a point of view.

Yeah. You, you went from a

"Classical Versus Modern
Perceptions of Femininity"

to "Why Beauty Kills".

Definitely have a
point of view now.

Somethings that
have happened recently

gave me a new passion
for the topic.

Oh, I know.

You know what?

Oh, I figured something
must have happened.

You missed your last
three therapy sessions.

I know, Dr.
Stroman. I'm so sorry.

I've just been working
so hard on this.

No. It's okay. It paid off.

It's a good read.

It's riveting.

Really?

Mm-hm.

I didn't think
you had it in you.

You didn't?

Oh, well maybe that wasn't
the best choice of words. But-

- No one's ever called my
writing riveting before.

You're still
missing one thing.

I followed all the
guidelines to the letter-

- You are missing, Lynette.

True.

There's more of you in this
draft in another drafts,

but you don't have a
lot of skin in the game.

What do you mean?

"Why Beauty Kills"? Right?

"Perceptions of beauty have
varied widely throughout history

and have served to maintain
a lowered social status

among certain groups of women
who were blah blah blah blah."

But it's all true.

Blah blah blah.

That's all true!

I know that.

I'm quite certain
that every fact,

and every figure, and every
graph, and chart, and quote,

and cross-reference
is beyond reproach.

Yes. Thank you.

But you need to
do one more thing.

Okay.

What?

I haven't the slightest.

This topic isn't about me.

Beauty doesn't kill men.

As a whole, this is not what
resonates in a man's gut.

I know. I just wish
you guys understood.

It's so hard to
make men understand

what it's like to actually be-

- Make us understand!

Show us.

Do something that scares
you and then write about it.

Something that scares me?

I don't mean
anything dangerous.

So what?

Like, enter a tacky beauty
pageant or something?

Sure. Why not?

I think that might take too long

but you're on the right road.

A wet T-shirt contest?

No, I wouldn't win. Nevermind.

I'm not going to advise
you to do that, okay?

Get my picture taken?

Exactly.

Pose for a photographer.

You don't have to
spend a lot of money.

Actually I know a guy.

You must be Lynette.

And you must be stunning.

I'm Gianna,

Ron's assistant.

I'll be helping you today.

Um. I tried to
take a crack at it

as you can see.

Oh, aren't you adventurous?

If anyone should be in
front of the camera, it's you.

Lindsey!

Lynette!

So glad you made it.

What made you change your mind?

I still might change it.

Whatever you're
most comfortable with.

These.

I'm comfortable with these.

Outfits!

Great.

Show me what you got.

Okay. So I've got brown.

I've got reddish
brown, brownish red,

beige, I have brown.

I have reddish browns. I have-

- Nah, nah. I don't see
those colors in you.

I could be gray.

You never answered my question.

Oh.

No tattoos.

I never had the guts.

Not that.

What made you change your mind?

About coming here?

I asked you, I don't
know how many times.

And you've always told me no.

And suddenly here you are.

There I am.

Here I are. Am.

Yes.

So blue.

I like blue.

Blue would look
very nice on you.

Or off of me.

When I first saw you,

I thought, "I gotta
get this girl on film."

Oh.

But there's no rush.

We don't even have to do this.

Do what?

Go all the way.

If you want it, you
can keep your clothes on.

What if I don't want?

Gi.

I'm going to load up my gear.

So Lynette, let's start
with shades of blue.

Load up his gear?

Put film in his camera.

Or?

Put batteries in
his flash units.

Or?

That's all I got.

Don't worry.

He already has a girlfriend.

Of course. Of course
he does. Naturally.

What's her name?

Um, Jocelyn, I think.

Jessica?

Jessica, that's it.

You know, people usually
pay him for a session.

They do?

And his fees are insane.

So if he's paying you-

- He's out of his mind.

It means he thinks
you're spectacular.

I was always afraid of blue.

Really?

I think it looks great on you.

Do you love her cheekbones?

Yes.

So how's Jessica?

She makes me laugh.

That's one of her talents.

Is it true that one time

you let her use your
apartment for a date with me?

Oh my God.

You saw my hideous apartment?
And you were still with her?

I loved the apartment, but
I knew she didn't live there.

What gave it away?

She picked up a recorder
and held it like this.

And she didn't even
know what it was called.

And then she couldn't identify
anything in her apartment.

She's got
different priorities.

I heard about the breakup.
You three. I'm sorry.

Oh, I hope you don't think

this is some sort
of revenge thing

because that's not.
That's not why-

- No.

Because-

- I know.

I don't even have to tell
her about the session

if you don't want me to.

Oh.

Stunning.

You look phenomenal, Lynette.

I call this look
"Noble Regret".

Let's get down to
business, shall we?

Barking Parrot Development,

this is Jessica speaking.

How may I direct your call?

Mr. Carlyle? I have
Mr. Ashton for you.

Hi.
If you're mailing-

No new messages.

No new messages.

No new messages.

No new messages.

Oh my God, she'll love that.

Really?

No, that's really great.

I don't know. I don't think
it's, like, symmetrical.

I love what you're doing here.

Are you sure?

That's beautiful.

I feel like.

Aw.

Hey Jess, just a quick message

to tell you how happy
you made me last night.

I can't wait to see you.

I love you.

Hi.

No new messages.

No new messages.

No new mess-

- In spite of all
the new traditions

that Lynette and Candy
were inventing together,

they still missed an old one.

So about six months later

they revived their
monthly dinner party.

But with seating only for two.

Look at you.

My God.

Oh.

Oh.

I'm offering wine
to a pregnant woman.

I'm so sorry.

Oh my gosh. I
love your outfit.

You PhDs are smart dressers.

Oh, dinner smells great.

Well cooking for three, uh,
two is much more fun than one.

And it's not like you're
cooking a bunch of food to eat

for lunch all week out of
those Tupperware thingies.

I hate that.

Do you miss her?

Who, Jess?

Of course not.

I mean, sure I wonder how she's
doing, but I don't miss her.

Yeah.

Do you miss her?

Me? No.

Except sometimes.

Yeah.

Sometimes.

Excuse me a second, hon.

Yeah.

You have no messages.

Thank you for your call.

Goodbye.

So you have
another month still?

Two weeks.

So you guys won't have to
rush me to the hospital guys.

Us guys?

You. You won't
have to rush me.

Oh, I'll get it.

Something in the oven?

Just the chicken.

Okay.

Hi. If you're
male and you're cute,

and you're looking for
Jess, you may be in luck.

Oh, were you calling somebody?

No.

Maybe.

No.

Why is there all
this extra food?

Don't you sometimes wish

she would just call
up and apologize?

It's been six months.

Do you think she misses us?

I thought I was the naive one.

Did you like
all our sex talks?

Jess sure did.

Mm. But did we ever talk
about, like, love and marriage?

We tried. But it always
turned back to sex.

Should we go to a nightclub?

I don't actually
enjoy nightclubs.

And I don't think
Beanie would either.

Ooh.

I think that's mine.

I'll be right back.

You've reached
the desk of Jessica Marshall

at Barking Parrot Development.

I'm either on-

- You called Jess, didn't you?

So did you.

No, I didn't.

I kind of miss her.

After what she said to us?

Damn it, Lynnie.
She was right.

That she's Miss
Beauty, I'm Miss Brains,

and you are Miss Personality?

She is a beauty.

So are you.

And so are you.

No I'm not.

And no I'm not.

So we agree with
Jess on that point.

What?

I think that she's
beautiful and I'm not.

You think that she's
beautiful and you're not.

And she thinks that
she's beautiful-

- And we're not.

She's not allowed
to think that?

She can't just say it.

Anyway, three
votes for Jessica,

one for you and one for me.

So she's right on that one.

But-

Item number two: your brains.

We all have brains.

But only one of us has a PhD.

So she's right again.

Candy, come on.

Sometimes people tell me
I have a nice personality.

You have a
wonderful personality.

So Jess got all three right.

And if she didn't, we share
are acting like she did.

God, we are.

Another thing.

Did you see what she burned
in her oven that night?

No, but it sure stank.

Like, sickly sweet.

Like burned Devil's Food cake.

She baked us a cake.
Tried to. And failed.

That was stupid.

She doesn't know how to bake.

Trying something
new is stupid?

Really, Lynette?

She lied to us
about all that food

she cooked that night. Remember?

All the food from
the restaurant.

She shouldn't have
lied to us like that.

That really hurts,

being lied to.

Failing can hurt too.

I want to send her a fax.

Wait, are you sure?

Dear Jessica.

Should we say "Dear Jessica"?

Jessica dearest.

O Jessica.

Like a prayer?

Like a poem.

She'll think we're
praying to her.

Say Jessica. No "Dear".

Okay. What do we have so far?

Jessica.

Jessica, we wish to
speak with you. Comply.

How about "We need
to speak with you."?

I don't need
anything from her.

I'm going to go see her.

Are you crazy?

This note is inviting her
to come see us, I think.

Yes.

Someday. In a
controlled environment.

I'll bring her back here.

All the control you want.

Okay. Just try this.

"Jessica, please meet with us

before our lives
continue too far

down separate and
disparate paths."

Don't separate and
disparate mean the same thing?

Disparate means dissimilar.

And separate means not touching.

Does Jess know that?

She went to college.

Occasionally.

Should we send it to her work?

She has a car fax.

This is good.

Maybe in a few months
we'll be back together

having our monthly dinner.

Taking our monthly picture.

Eating our monthly
Devil's Food cake.

Jess will make some
thoughtless comment.

And we'll be
ready to kill her.

Oh my God.

Did we get it?

A piece is missing.

Was there anything on it?

Just one word.

Which word?

Disparate.

Uh-oh.

Hey, you two!

I was just in the neighborhood
and I got your fax.

Isn't that wild?

What fax?

You're so cute.

The one where you
said you're desperate.

Disparate.

Exactly.

Disparate means different.

Oh, I sure hope
you feel different.

You were so weird
last time I saw you.

No.

Unrelated.

But we're friends,

so we are related like family.

Distinct.

Oh, our love is so strong

it will never go distinct.

No, it means that-

- Anyway, none of that matters

because I totally forgive you.

For what?

For all the mean
things you said.

What?

All I remember is we
were having a nice talk

and suddenly you were furious.

You insulted us.

Oh, you mean my little comment

about beauty, brains
and personality?

See, Lynette.

She didn't even mean it.

Oh, I meant it, but-

- We didn't send anything.

That was a mistake.

Desperate.

So dramatic. Who knows what
you two are capable of?

So what were you doing
in the neighborhood, Jess?

I was going to
the post office.

It closes at 5:00.

Well, there's this really
cute little dress shop.

You know, it's just
around the corner.

I know the shop.

It's closed.

What were you doing in
Candy's neighborhood?

I was headed to...

Okay.

I'm really sorry

that I said you have a
fabulous personality.

And I'm really sorry that
I said you're a genius.

How about sorry for saying,
"You two aren't beautiful."?

I never said that.

You said-

- I said that out
of the three of us,

I am the most beautiful.

And you agree, Lynnie.

I agree that Jess is
more beautiful than me

but I do not agree that she
is more beautiful than Candy.

Lynette, if I agree
with you, Jess hates me.

And Jess, if I agree with
you, Lynette hates me.

So I'm not gonna say anything.

She hurt you just
as bad as she hurt me.

Oh. I don't even remember.

But you guys, I have proof.

Proof that you're beautiful?

Yes!

I remember now.

Mm-hm.

Okay. I have proof too.

What does proof prove?

What's your proof?

Well, look at her.

She looks like always.

Who are you wearing anyway?

Laura Ashley?

I, on the other hand, have this.

Oh my God, Jess.

It's a boulder.

Is that from Ron?

Wait, you know Ron?

You and I met
him the same night.

He lets you call him Ron?

Did you sleep with him?

No.

No.

Then why does he
let you call him Ron?

We talk sometimes
about photography.

Wait, who's Ron?

Oh, he's my dude.

My man.

He's like this rich
and famous photog.

Well what did he take?

Like nature pictures?

They're natural all right.

Very beautiful.

Wait, did he take
pictures of you?

A couple.

How could you afford him?

What did you mean by natural?

I think you know what I mean.

You posed naked?

What did he do when you started
tearing off your clothes?

He brought it up at the party

and I was curious.

Curious?

Like sexy French
coming-of-age movie curious?

I thought you don't
watch foreign films.

Oh, French isn't
foreign. It's trendy.

Why didn't you tell me

somebody asked you to pose nude?

I thought maybe he was drunk.

And no sex was involved.

I just wanted to feel sexy.

I've been celibate
for three years.

You told us you
were abstaining.

Don't you two ever
wanna feel sexy?

Oh, I am sexy.

I always feel cutesy.

Anyways, Lynette, I'm shocked.

They're beautiful pictures.

You were so critical
of my job at Curvees

and then you just go and
bare it all for the camera.

Yeah!

I didn't criticize you.

You said I look
good in tiny shorts

and a clingy a T-shirt.

That's criticism?

Of course it is.

Candy, she's hard on me too.

Sure it was critical

coming from.

Wanna see them?

The pictures?

He gave me a whole
set. Wanna see?

Absolutely not!

That's disgusting.

Sure.

Lynette, I can't believe
you sold out like that.

Oh, I love this one
with the red scarf.

I went a little wild there.

Lynnie, these are gorgeous.

And the lighting, it's like
straight out of a magazine.

Can I have some copies so
I can send them to your mom?

She already has a set.

Look at these stuffed animals.

Oh my God.

Your dad is going to
have a heart attack.

I got asked to pose for the
"Girls of Curvees" calendar.

But I said no.

No, you should have done it.

Six months ago you
wouldn't have said that.

Yeah!

Probably not.

What? Now that
you're all Miss Nude

you're like everyone
take it off.

When did you try out?

About a month ago.

I sent them some
pre-pregnancy swimsuit photos

and they made me an offer
but I turned them down.

I thought you'd be proud.

Wait, you got an offer to pose

for the "Girls of
Curvees" calendar?

Of course she did.

But you're pregnant!

I won't always be.

You look too young.

That's a bad thing?

I am proud of you, honey.

I can't believe you
both got asked to pose.

What girl doesn't like
to have her picture taken?

It's natural to want
to feel beautiful.

But Candy was too smart

to let anyone take
advantage of her.

Miss Waterman?

How do you do, Mr. Weems?

Oh, I was told the company
was okay with my pregnancy.

Uh.

Yeah. As long as you get
back to that nice trim figure

we saw in your test photos.

Of course.

So, have you
signed the agreement?

I'm curious about
the word repurposing.

Oh, that's just
a technical term.

Nothing to worry about.

This agreement would allow
the company to reuse my photos?

Well, yes, but we
almost never do that.

Our customers prefer
fresh girls each year.

I understand you also put out

Wild Animals magazine, right?

Yes.

So my photos could
end up in Wild Animals?

Wild Animals fans
prefer nude models.

Do you ever retouch photos?

Yes, of course.

If perfection is within
reach, why not read it?

So my face could end up
on the body of a naked girl?

Yes, but Miss Waterman,
it would be much cheaper

to hire a nude model than
to retouch it on a computer.

Unless the girl the
fans like got popular

and more expensive than
when she first posts.

Mm Hmm.

That's a little presumptuous.

Now, on page two,

there were a couple of terms
that were a little vague.

Well, I didn't actually
go through with it.

Why didn't you?

I read the contract.
Way too exploitive.

Yes. You'd be exploited
as a sex object.

No, I'd be
exploited as a fool.

For starters, they'd be
able to use my picture

over and over again
for a one-time fee.

What more do you want?

Residuals.

Additional payments for
repurposing in other media.

Restrictions on
alterations and retouching.

Throughout the
universe in perpetuity.

And 10 free copies.

You know all those big words?

With that contract
they'd be able to use me

in a video, on the
internet, even slap my face

on some other girl's
body for one low fee.

Wow. I hardly
read my contract.

You're both such hypocrites.

All your talk about feminism

and all your crap
you heaped on me

because I'm supposedly
promiscuous.

You are promiscuous.

Both of you would sell
your looks for money.

I said no to the calendar.

That's because it
didn't pay you enough,

not because you
thought it was wrong.

Not paying enough is wrong.

But they were so impressed

with my reasons for
not doing the calendar.

And they offered me a
job in Curvees corporate

as a legal secretary.

That's fantastic.

When do you start?

A month after this one's born.

I used to look up to you guys.

Last time we saw
you, you insulted us.

It was a compliment.

Shouldn't
complements feel good?

Don't worry.

Both of you have been terribly
busy proving me wrong.

So now I'm not even
one-third of the perfect woman?

No, I didn't mean that-

- First of all, disparate
means dissimilar.

If we were desperate, we would
have used the word desperate,

but we used the word disparate.

Candy, she's showing off.

Second of all, if we
wanted to invite you tonight,

we would have.

We tried to un-invite.

You you're making
her feel awful.

You were right.

You're Miss Beauty.

I'm Miss Brains.

And she's Miss Personality.

We spent the last six months

trying to prove you wrong,
Jess, but we couldn't.

I wasn't trying
to prove anything.

Oh, come on.

Being in a calendar? You?

And posing nude. Me?

I thought you enjoyed it.

I did, but it's not me.

You see how I dress.

I mean, you're
bouncy-perky-creative,

and you have
scratch-and-sniff wallpaper.

And now you're
trying to say that

we don't have brains
or personality either.

No, that's-

- I admitted, Jessica, that
you have more personality

than the two of us put together

because only a strong personality
could upset me this much.

So you're two-thirds
the perfect woman.

Satisfied?

I was trying to
say that both of you

are perfect women
all on your own.

Either of you has all the
beauty, brains and personality

that anyone could ever want.

But what about-

- Let her finish.

Candy, look at you
with, with your contract

and your fancy smart new job.

If anyone deserves a
PhD in brains, it's you.

And they wanted you
in their calendar.

Lynnie,

you've got to have an
amazing personality

to be as interesting as you are.

It's not just brains either.

I know because I've
dated some brainy guys

and they've been really boring.

And your little camera
tryst with my fiance,

he obviously thought
you were a beauty.

He's crazy about you.

Look, I'm a good fuck.

I know that.

But when the sex
with me is over,

what do you have left?

My personality?

That's a laugh.

You have a
wonderful personality.

I have no personality.

I never say the right thing.

I never knew the
right thing to say.

If I walk into a room
and there's no men in it,

I don't know what to do.

I have no brains either.

I work for a company and I
don't even know what we do

or make or sell or whatever.

They hired you
because you're classy

and you make the
company look good.

And I agree.

Both of you beat
me at looking good.

The one thing where I
thought I had the advantage.

You do have the advantage.

You're absolutely stunning.

Okay. So I'm
one-third a woman.

Jess, nobody's
trying to beat you.

At least not consciously.

You want to be smart.

You go get a PhD
or read a contract.

You want to be pretty.

You get in front of a camera.

Either of you can be
whatever you choose to be.

Then why haven't I-

- Because you don't want to.

You don't choose to.

You could walk into a
party and snap your fingers

and five guys would
instantly lineup.

Three years of celibacy
was your choice

no matter how much you
bitched and moaned about it.

And you, you could have
snapped your fingers

and 10 guys would have lined
up to be that baby's father

but you're doing it on your
own because you're incredible.

How come she got 10
guys and I only got five?

Do you even like
hanging out with me?

Like, do you like
going clubbing?

Sure.

I love squeezing into a
throbbing mass of sweaty bodies.

Obscenely bright lights
drilling into my skull.

Music so loud I can smell it.

Filthy predators
armed with roofies

trying to get in my pants.

See.

We love it.

I sat in my car for an hour

hoping that one
of you would call.

I knew tonight was
our monthly thing.

We did call.

Why didn't you answer?

I was afraid I
would get emotional

and make a fool of myself.

Too late.

Why didn't you call us?

I was embarrassed.

Should we eat?

You guys go ahead.

I can't imagine
there's enough for me.

Oh yes there is.

Jess, do you I
really want to become

Miss Brains or Miss Personality?

Of course not.

But you two make me
feel like I should.

You're always growing.

I said what I said
about the three of us

because it gave me a
place alongside you two.

Something to be good at.

Being pretty.

You do get this cool
effect with your eyeshadow

that I'm dying to
have you teach me.

You see, that's the problem.

Soon you're going to be
the eye shadow expert.

It's six months later

and both of you are better
at being pretty than me.

But I'm no smarter and
probably even less likable.

I'm about to marry a good
man who I don't even deserve.

He's, like, honest and
keeps his promises.

Who does it?

Lynnie and I couldn't stop
thinking about you all evening.

We really missed you, Jess.

No, you two deserve
better than me.

So does Ron.

You don't have to grow

if you don't want to.

Really?

Of course not.

I'm no good at it.

Then don't grow, sweetie.
Stay this way forever.

I have no bridesmaids.

Actually, you've got two.

Candy, this place
looks very safe.

Yep. Totally baby-proof.

I was really rooting for
you to find a dude, you know.

To help.

I was too.

It seems just like
a really big thing

to take on by yourself.

Are you kidding?

Beanie and I are going
to have so much fun.

What if your kid
doesn't like you?

Then she's just going
to have to withstand

my relentless torrent of love.

Poor thing.

I wish you were my mother.

Oh!

I vote for dessert
before dinner.

Dessert before anything.

We're out of control.

That's the best idea
I've heard all night.

Oh, should we take
our monthly photo

before or after dinner?

We'll skinnier before we eat.

Actually,

you guys, I think I'm about
to get a lot skinnier.

You invented a new diet?

Oh my God.

She invents diets now.

Can someone drive
me to the hospital?

Now?

But we're about to eat.

Oh my God!

You're in labor!

She's not in labor, silly.

She's just going to have a baby.

Oh my God.

You're going to have a baby.

Call St. Joe's Hospital

and let them know I'm on my way.

Dr. Julia Ditman.

Okay. Okay.

Oh.

Hello?

I need the number for
the, for the hospital.

I, I don't know.

The St. One!

Candy, which city is this?

St. Joseph hospital
in Santa Monica.

Did you hear that?

Hello, hospital?

Hi.

Okay. My friend is like having
a baby literally right now

and she's totally freaking out.

She's afraid she's going
to be a bad mother.

What kind of a question is that?

Candy, what's your name?

Candace Waterman.

Candice Watery.

I think she's with Dr. Ditz.

Are you sure you
don't want an epidural?

No, no anesthetics.

She doesn't want an
epidermis. Or an appendix

Okay. I maybe
should take this call.

No, no no.

Please just let me use
my charm and niceness

to make this go
good. Just for once.

Okay. But just let
her do it, but hurry.

Okay. We're going to
be there in 10 minutes.

And if Candy doesn't
have a fancy room

I'm kicking asses.

No, no father. She
was ingratiated.

I'm going to get
the hospital bag.

I'll get the keys
and start the car.

But hurry.

Or I'm going to have
Beanie in the backseat.

No, no. I want a room upgrade

to the nicest one you have.

Just charge it to
my credit card.

And fill the room with flowers.

Fill it.

And charge that to my card too.

This is our first and I
want it to be perfect.

Okay. You guys let's
go make a baby.

You know what I meant.

Aw!

Oh, oh.

Right.

Do you remember when
the three were younger?

Did you ever wonder what
brought them together

in the first place?

I'll give you a hint.

It tastes really good.

Can I have cake?

Sure. What kind?

Devil Food.

Welcome to LA Province
Bakery. What can I get you?

Devil Food.

We have country veggie puree,

vegetarian French onion soup,

Turkey chili Fergil,

we have stretched.

Just Devil's Food cake?

Is Devil Food
your favorite too?

You don't look like
you like it very much.

I love the cake.

It's just everything
else about today.

Welcome to LA Province
Bakery. What can I get you?

A slice of Devil's Food. Cake.

Is that your favorite too?

It's the best.

It's her favorite too.

Then you must be very smart.

I'm too smart to
be fun, I guess.

I'm Lynette.

I'm Jessica.

I'm too pretty to
quit The Nutcracker.

I'm Candy.

But everyone calls me Sunshine.

I'm too sweet.

Here is Devil
Food cake for you.

And surprise, more
Devil Food cake.

Napkin. Please don't make mess.

This is not school cafeteria.

I'm cheering my mom up
because Grammy just died.

We don't tell
strangers our business.

They aren't strangers, mommy.

They're my friends.

Of course they are, Sunshine.

And now, enter me.

Yes, I'm Maddy. Or Beanie.

Or the test tube baby.

Whatever.

I was born that night,

thus ending one of the most
painful arguments in history:

Who is the most beautiful?

Because once I came along,

all three of my moms;
well, my mom, Candy,

and my two aunts,
Jessica and Lynette,

could suddenly
agree on the answer.

I am the most beautiful of all.

I think they're silly.

And they've been squeezing
me to pieces ever since then.

The thing is, all four
of us have beauty,

brains, personality,
and much, much more

because every person can be
whatever she chooses to be.

Hello.

Hey, we're starving.

And now if you'll, excuse me.

I have a dinner party
of my own to host,

for my two best friends

Open up. I'm
about to drop this cake.

Hey, why let a great
tradition go to waste?