All language subtitles for What.We.Do.In.The.Shadows.S03E08.1080p.WEB.h264-GOSSIP

Sir, you need to see this.

Mother of God.

Double Feature.

All new.
Wednesdays at 10.

On FX.

Today's a very special day.

It's my master's Accession Day.

It's the anniversary

of when he was crowned
Supreme Viceroy

for Al Qolnidar.

So it's kind of a big deal.

His favorite. Crepe-y paper.

Every year,
I try to do something special

for the occasion.

The whole house gets into it,

like, really into it.

Yes! Oh, yeah!

Colin Robinson gets, uh,

a little too much into it.

Ah...
- Oh, no.

No. I-I don't think you should
be wearing that turban again.

Well, I think you need to do
some research.

'Cause not only is
this turban accurate

to the ancient civilizations
of Persia,

it also happens to be a gift
from my good friend,

the Maharaja Duleep Singh.

So if you have anything to say,

- to either myself
or the maharaja...
- I just, it's not that.

It was kept in storage
in the basement,

and the rats were nesting
in there.

Oh, right.

Oh. Here it is.

Let's go.

Off you fuck.

Hey, Master.

♪ The sun has set♪

-♪ The stars have all come out♪

♪ To celebrate
your big night!♪

- Happy Accession Day, Nandor!

It's your big Accession Day,
Master.

- Did you forget?
- No.

Okay.

Well, it's just one of
those mornings, I guess.

But the night's just beginning.

I'll bet.
- Yay!

I made you a little something,
and I hope you like it.

Great.

Well, he didn't like that.

[to tune of "Happy Birthday"]:
♪ Happy Accession Day♪

♪ Mr. Relentle...♪

What's up with him?

Colin Robinson,
you can stop belly dancing.

- He's not even in the room.
- I know.

This is just for me.

Another Accession Day.

Pitiful.

On this day
hundreds of years ago,

I rose to power in my country.

Blah, blah, blah.
Yada yada yada.

It's just another milestone to
celebrate for the rest of time.

Believe it or
don't believe it, baby,

but vampire depression is
the real fucking deal.

The prospect of immortality

can give some vampires
the shits.

They hate the idea of staring
down life's eternal tunnel.

What does it all mean?

Nothing.

When a vampire is depressed,

-the best treatment is
to avoid them at all costs.
Yeah.

I'm 700 years old,

and what have I got
to show for it?

I'm a fully grown vampire,
and I still have roommates.

I have no life partner.

- I have no living children.

I have no one to share my dreams
or my fears with.

Sorry, Nandor.
We were just...

- I just have to check
something, um...
Hurry.

I mean, once you see
Colin Robinson belly dancing

a few times,

the magic kind of wears off.

It doesn't matter that I'm

an infinitely powerful being.

- Doesn't mean anything
when you live for eternity.

Everything loses its meaning
when you live for eternity.

In all the years
I've known Nandor, I've...

I've never seen him like this.

I think he might be having
a midlife crisis.

But he's immortal, so I guess...

maybe more like a crisis-crisis.

Nandor's in crisis.

So, everyone, we have

a very important
Vampiric Council duty

that I'm afraid is even too hard

for my absolutely
amazing abilities.

Someone hasn't paid

their Vampiric Council
union fees in a while.

Oh, no.

Sometimes it is nice
to tiptoe in and remind Nandor

that, uh, he's
very important vampire

with very important
jobs to do and...

Also, collecting
Vampire Council dues

is basically vampire shit work.

And I don't want to do it!

But, you know,
more the first thing,

that I want to raise
my-my friend up.

So, who wants to tackle
this one?

Well, I don't know, milady.

Are you sure anyone here is up
for this task?

Oh, shit. Um, yeah-- Oh.
No, my darling.

I wouldn't be man enough?

Hmm.

O-Oh. Uh...

I-I would love to help you out,

but I, too, fear I'm not,
uh, man eno-- whatever.

No, that's right.
You are very shit-stupid man,

so you can't do it.

How about you, Nandor?
Bill collection?

Okay, fine. I'll do it.

There you go. Yes!

It's a very special job,

- and we need the most...
- I said I'll do it!

Give me that. Fuck!

- Do you want me to come
with you?
- No!

Ah.

Oh, great.

They have wellness vampires now.

Um...

You don't happen to know
where I could find

someone called Jan, do you?

Thanks very much.

The fuck is that?

- Come on, then.

Stretch those out.
That's what I want to see, yes!

Stretch those hammies,
feel the burn! Yes!

Um...
- Oh, welcome.

Sorry, I am just here for...

Jan?

Please join us,
bring your cameras.

- No secrets here.
- Uh, no.

- I am just here
for your debt collection.
- Take a seat.

So...

What do we love?

To sweat.

And how do we sweat?

By dancing.

And what do we say
to newcomers?

Welcome. You must stretch
before you dance.

Uh, like I said,
as I was standing over there,

I am only here
to, uh, collect a debt

for Vampire Council dues
you haven't paid in 132 years.

Oh, you must be mistaken.

No vampires here, pal.

- But, you are Jan, yes?

Yes, but I am no longer
a vampire.

That's... Wow.

Eesh. You have all pulled
your own fangs out.

Very disturbing, uh,
but it does not negate the fact

- that, uh, you owe a great sum.
- No sum to be paid, friend,

for we are no longer vampires.

We have become humans again.

Mm-hmm.

How is such a thing
even possible?

Welcome.
Come on in, have a seat.

Uh, no, thank you.

As you know, being a vampire,
I cannot eat or drink.

Poor you.

Ah...

How long have you been caught up
in this whole vampire trip?

I have been a vampire
for over 700 years,

- if that's what you're asking.
- Yes, but-- one second.

No, no, no, no, no,
you need to select

the Epson 4750
in the print queue window.

Not the Bonjour printing.

I am so sorry. One second.

Ah... Tell me.

Are you happy being a vampire?

- I've had better days.
- What if I were to tell you

that there's another way?

A way that you can walk
into the sun.

A way that you can
become human again.

I'd say you were full of shit.

Eh... Well, perhaps
this path isn't for you.

This is a difficult
and treacherous path,

but the rewards...

the rewards are unspeakably...

delicious.

So, after short deliberation...

Yes.

...I have decided to join

the Formerly Fanged.

The brochure is
very persuasive.

I am skeptical by nature,
but this Jan,

she's really speaking to me,
you know?

She also is incredibly beautiful
and has a rocking body.

So, you're renouncing
your vampirism

to go and try living as a human?

- Yes. What part of that
is not clear?

Well, how about the whole thing?

You can't just pretend to be
a human, you knoblord.

Pretending to be human is just
the first step.

Well,
what is the second step?

I'm not clear
on all the steps yet.

Why are you dressed
like a Playmobil figurine?

Because this is how I used
to dress when I was a human.

This is all very stupid.

Not to mention that we are the
leaders of the Vampiric Council!

We're going to be a
laughingstock when they find out

you've gone crying off to go
and play human dress-up.

- Right?
- I mean, I personally
wouldn't laugh,

but there are those who would.

Well, you don't have to worry
about that anymore,

because you'll never
see me again.

- Give me that.

Give me that!

Have a great,
unenlightened eternity.

Farewell!

Auf Wiedersehen!

Good night, Seattle,
and good mental health!

- See ya.
- Master. Master?

I get his room.

Master, wait!

As your official bodyguard,

it's my duty to go with you
everywhere--

I am no longer your master!

I hereby relieve you
of your service.

What?

It is time for me
to find happiness.

Well, I want to find happiness,
too!

What do you think I've been
doing for the last 11 years?

Oh, boy. Here we go again
with this shit.

Why do you think I've lived
with you this whole time?

Can you please...

please turn me into a vampire
before you leave?

So that after all these years,

you and I both,
both can be happy.

Guillermo.

Despite my cold dead heart and
your "just okay" personality,

I've grown to have
some affection for you.

- Just a little bit,
but, you know...
- And I for you, Mas--

Well, obviously.

But vampirism is a curse,

and I care for you too much

to burden you with that.

It would weigh too heavily
on my conscience.

Boop.
There's that smile.

Once a vampire...

tonight, I am only a man.

Dry your face.

You look like a pair
of wet undies.

As I can no longer fly,

I will have
a nice evening stroll to Jan's.

- Just a human man crossing
the street.
- C-Careful.

Are you shitting me?!

You can't just walk out
into the street like that.

You have to look both ways.

That's literally rule number one
of being human.

It's a bad start.

What the fuck am I gonna do
with this?

It's been about a month
since... What's his name?

Nandor!
Come on, Laszlo.

Sorry.
Uh, since he buggered off.

Nothing much has changed,
though, to be honest.

One thing that has changed,
which is such a relief,

is you don't have
this constant soundtrack

of weeping in the house
the whole time.

- We don't miss that, do we?
- No.

So, I've moved
into Nandor's room.

Uh, it's taken me awhile

-to get my scent on everything.

Regular vampires have
no gastric system.

Energy vampires do,
to annoy those around them

and mark their territory.

It's beginning to feel
like home.

It's been kind of tough,
honestly.

You know, I've known Nandor
for a long time,

and now he's not in my life
anymore.

He didn't even leave an address
or anything,

which is hurtful.

I mean, I guess know now
how it feels.

All the times I left or quit.

I just never thought that...

that he'd be the one,
you know, to leave, so...

I'm just sorry that
we couldn't make him happy,

and I hope he's happy now.

♪ It's been one week
since you looked at me♪

♪ Cocked your head to the side
and said, "I'm angry"♪

♪ Five days since you
laughed at me, saying♪

♪ "Get your act together,
come back and see me"♪

♪ Three days
since the living room♪

♪ I realized it's all my fault
but couldn't tell you♪

♪ Yesterday,
you'd forgiven me♪

♪ But it'll still be two days
till I say I'm sorry♪

I love my life here.

I feel invigorated.

- More broccoli.
- I forgot how exciting it was

to live like a human.

♪ Hot like wasabi
when I bust rhymes...♪

Now, when doing your taxes,

women, act like you
don't understand.

Yes, Nandy?

Yes, it seems to me
that this Uncle Sam

is bleeding us dry.

Maybe we should bleed him!

No, no, no, no, no.
We blow off steam

with an IPA or maybe
an evening bike ride.

All right, let's move on
to how to tip.

Every moment is precious.

Come on, Nandy!

We rip out our fangs
every night.

They always grow back
in the morning.

But Jan says she's working on
a way to make it permanent!

Because we are forbidden
to use our vampiric powers

or strength in any way,

life is constantly
surprising me.

I have lost 123 straight
games of corn hole,

and I have never felt
more alive.

I missed it! I missed it!

Yes, Nandy. Very human.

Jan has taught me so much.

This is especially
important for the women

when you're an expert
about something,

and a man is explaining it
to you.

Strained eyes
but really big smile.

♪ It's been one week
since you looked at me♪

♪ Dropped your arms to the sides
and said, "I'm sorry"♪

-♪ Five days since I...♪
Who knew that living
as a human

would reignite the zeal for life
I thought to be long dormant?

-♪ Yesterday,
you just smiled at me♪
- Make sure that Baby learns.

-♪ 'Cause it'll still be two
days till we say we're sorry♪

-♪ It'll still be two days...♪
Jan is just so alive
and electric.

She has changed my life.

Oh, yeah, we're fucking.

- One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven,
make it hot.

I should probably
check in on him.

Not in a weird way.

Like, I don't need
to check in on peop--

I just want to
make sure he's okay,

'cause if something wasn't okay

and I didn't do
anything about it,

then I couldn't live
with myself.

So, as a good friend,

I'm going to look
into what he's doing

without him knowing.

I'm really worried about him.

He's out there
in the real world,

and it could be dangerous,
you know?

Like, what if he's
in real big trouble?

Whoa.

What are you doing
in my room?

Nandor must have left
some kind of clue somewhere,

telling us where he's at
or where he's going.

Like, maybe this pamphlet

that's just sitting out
in the open?

"In case any of you dumb,
idiot assholes care--"

assholes with one "S," uh--

"where I've gone, it's here."

Give me that.

All right, but you may want
to wash your hands.

That has a full room
of butt wind on it.

Don't want to get pink eye,
or maybe you do, I don't know.

Don't really give a shit.

Jan says that she has never seen
anyone as dedicated

to our way of life before.

Don't mind me.

Yeah!

So she has given me
a promotion of sorts.

I am now her number two.

- How do I look?
- Perfect.

Jan says we will always be safe
from outsiders,

and, one day, we will be
human enough to see the sun.

- And I get to help with that.

In my former household,

I would have been teased
mercilessly

for saying things like,
"I am a number two."

But here, number twos are
treated with the utmost respect.

- Hmm.
-♪ Sending out an S...♪

Something's wrong with Nandor.

I feel it, so I'm just
gonna make sure that he's okay,

'cause I'm a good friend,
or we were friends.

It's... you know.

Just want to make sure
everything is okay.

A little check-in. How did
those get in there?

Time to get our workout on.

Hello.

Sorry. Sorry.

- I'm just gonna put this
over here.

Is this anyone's spot?

Master. Master. Master.

Guillermo, what in the hell
are you doing here?

Just taking one of
my favorite classes.

Yeah, what a coinkydink
to see you here, so crazy.

You think I was born yesterday?

I was born a long time
from yesterday.

- You're here
to spy on me, aren't you?
- No, I just wanted--

All righty!
- Shit. Fuck.

- Let's make it hot!
Yeah!

Yes! Who is ready to burn?

- Let's do this.

- Five, six, seven, eight.

Up, up. Come on.
Give me something.

Ooh, Nandy,
becoming a natural.

Looking good, baby.

Looking good, come on.

Put some stank on it.

Stop the music!

Oh, shit.

You...

Who are you?

Oh, I'm-I'm just Guillermo.

What the fuck are you doing
here, Guillermo?

Um, I'm, uh, just...

I don't know him.

Just working on my fitness.

- Mm-hmm.
- Check his bags.

Well, that's my bag,
so you can't do that.

- That's my property.
- Oh, no. You didn't.
Tell me you didn't.

- Yeah, just like towels
and stuff.

Weapons!

- Shit.
- Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.

That's just not what it...
that's not what it looks like.

I wasn't gonna-- That was
just in case something...

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no, Guillermo.

- I'm not gonna hurt anyone.

I'm not gonna hurt anyone.

My children!

My fellow human children,

we have been infiltrated.

- No, I'm...
- An interloper is here
to ruin us.

- He is here to kill us
and our dreams.

He must not leave here.

He will bring more like him.

My children,
we are under attack.

We cannot let this Guillermo
go unpunished.

- What did you do, Guillermo?
- Cover your face.

- What?
- Cover your face!

- Ay! Aah!
- Now!

Come on, let's go!

You covered my friends
in garlic powder!

I'm sorry!

- That's...
- Come on!

Sorry, Janet.

Hey, let go.

- You have a crucifix
in your pocket?

- That's not nice.
- Shut up! Let's go!

You need to chillax!

- My friends!
- This way!

Don't hurt my friends!

Ow! Did you bang your head?

I don't know
what's come over him.

- Mimi!

Mimi, I'm sorry about this!

- Ay.

- Come on! Come on!
- Let go!

- Sorry, Mimi.
- Stay with me!

- Come on!
- You just punched Jeremy.

Fuck Jeremy!

- Let's go.
- What are you doing?!

- I'm rescuing you, Master.
- If I wasn't a human,

I'd be crushing your dick
and slamming it on the floor.

- You're not a human.
- Get off me! Ah! That tickles.

- You've been brainwashed.

Where are you taking me?

- I'm taking you home!

Don't want to be out here.
I want to be in there with Jan!

You want to be home
with us.
Get in the van.

That's where you want to be,
okay?

I didn't need rescuing.

I was having a great time
back there

till you came
and kicked everyone's ass.

They were trying to kill me!

They pulled all their fangs out.

No one's going to bite you.

We're a gentle people,
a gentle human people.

You're not a human, Master!

I'm not?
Then how do you explain this?

♪ It's been one week
since you looked at me♪

♪ Cocked your head to the side
and said, "I'm angry"♪

♪ Five days since
you laughed at me.♪

I know the whole fucking song.

I'd say that was pretty
gosh-darn human, wouldn't you?

You've been brainwashed.

Brainwashed, "shmain-washed."

You know, this is exactly
what Jan warned us

that the nonbelievers
would accuse us of.

You've been brainwashed,
but it's okay,

because we are going
to deprogram you.

- Stop. Let it go.

Did you not think for a second--
Listen to me!

Did you ever consider
for one moment

that I might be happy
for the first time in decades?

Decades!

That I found somewhere
where I feel that I belong?

That makes me feel
useful and powerful

in ways I've never felt.

Never!

Not in 700 years.

Did you ever consider that?

- No.
- No.

So what I'm going to do now is

I'm going to get
out of this car,

and I'm going to go and get
a taxi or a bus

or subway or Lyft or Uber,

and I'm gonna go back
to my human community.

And that is that.

When did you install
silver rope-lined seat belts

in this little shitbox?

Sorry, Master.
It's for your own good.

You guys, you guys.

Catch your breath, boy.

I think I did something
really drastic.

Oh, you pierce your pee-pee?

- No, but--
Tattoo your pee-pee?

- You guys--
- Tell us more
about your pee-pee.

You've never been
so interesting.

Stop talking about
my pee-pee, okay?

I didn't do anything
to my pee-pee!

Okay, just trust that what I did

I had to do, okay?
Do you trust me?

No.
No.
No.

Who the fuck is that?
Oh, my-- ew!

What the hell?

I'd say he's been brainwashed.

Right, okay,
Colin Robinson,

go to the council library
and see if there's

any literature on
the art of deprogramming.

- No, there's no need to
do that, Colin Robinson,

because I am not brainwashed.
I am perfectly sane.

I was just having fun
with my new friends.

That's, uh, basically
what Patricia Krenwinkel said.

Open your mouth. Good Lord,
he's pulled his fangs out.

- No, no. No, no, no,
it's not what you think.

- Nandor!
You stay in there,
old pal,

and I'll go and find someone

to mend that fucked-up brain
of yours.

No, there's no need to do that.

- Laszlo? Guillermo?
Please. Come on.
- I'm sorry.

Guillermo! No!

♪ Lights go out all over town♪

♪ People in the city♪

♪ Could hear the siren's sound♪

You said if we trusted you,
you would always protect us.

You lied to us!

- Calm down.

- Please calm down, my children.

The time has come for the final
rejection of eternal life.

- It is time!

For the ultimate burn!

- Everyone, to the roof. Yes!

We will all walk
into the sunlight.

Come on, baby.

Come on. That's it.

- That's it. Oh...

My children, my children.

Don't worry, Marilyn.

I'll be right out there
in a minute, girl!

- I'm right behind you.

Well, back to the drawing board.

♪ Run with me♪

♪ This is an emergency♪

♪ Stay with me♪

♪ Tonight♪

♪ I'm sending out an SOS♪

♪ It's the real thing,
not a test♪

♪ Tonight♪

♪ There's trouble in the city.♪

COLIN ROBINSON READING]

Hello?

Please hold for the President
of the United States.

Hey.
I've been thinking about you.

Hi, handsome.

My name's Archer.

Uh, I'm an egomaniac
who endangers every mission.

Also, I'm inebriated
almost 24 hours a day.

Lose the almost
and then take it again

My name is B. J. Novak.
I wanna tell you
about this show I made.

It's a completely different
episode every time.

- Pop culture.
- Sex.

Revenge.

Here it is. Is that it?

That's it.

Nobody can know about him.

People are going to
have to take sides.