All language subtitles for Relative.Chaos.2006.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX] eng

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♪ It all comes down to this

♪ you take your
best shot might miss

Official YIFY movies site:
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♪ you take it anyway

♪ you're gonna
make your move today

♪ got the will
you'll find the way

♪ to change the world someday

♪ grab this moment
before it's gone

♪ today's your day

♪ it's on and on it's on and on

♪ it's on and on

♪ today's your day
so come on, bring it on

♪ no matter how you feel

♪ this is your
moment to be strong

♪ today's your day it's on

♪ and on it's on and on

♪ it's on and on

♪ today's your day
so come on, bring it on

♪ it's on and on it's on and on

♪ today's your day so
come on, bring it on ♪

[Cat screeches]

[Music stops]

Katherine.

I let myself in. I
hope you don't mind.

No.

I was just packing for my trip.

Oh, well, forget these old rags.

I got you amazing new stuff.

Uh, those aren't
rags. I just got...

Dil, your family hasn't
seen you in a year, okay?

You want to make a
good impression, right?

Katherine, they're my family.
They already know who I am.

No, they don't.

You are a successful medical
malpractice attorney, okay?

And you just won
your first huge case.

I sued a vet who left the gas on
and killed an old lady's parakeet.

But you won. And your family
needs to know what a winner you are.

Katherine. Dil, I'm
just trying to help.

I am so proud of you, and
you should be proud of you, too.

You're wonderful.

[Whirring]

Hey. Hey!

Dil, no!

Hey, that's my car! Put it down!

You nuts, pal? No, it's okay.

No, it's not okay. He's
stealing my car. Hey!

He's from the dealership.

The dealership?

Yes, you said you wanted a new
car, and you'd trade in this old heap.

So, look!

But I hadn't decided
for sure to... No, dil,

I decided, because
you deserve this.

You have a little problem
with letting things go.

You bought yourself
an awesome convertible.

Congratulations!

[Dil laughs]

[Engine starting]

First time I kissed a
girl was in that old car.

Thanks, old girl.

I have another surprise for you.

What?

Oh. What's in the trunk, Katherine,
the keys to my new house?

No, smartass. Look.

I'm coming with you! Oh.

[Stammering] I don't
know, Katherine.

I don't think it's
such a good idea.

It's a great idea.

We've been dating for three
months, and it's time I meet your family.

Katherine, my
family's kind of intense.

You don't think I
can handle them?

[Rock music playing]

Katherine, is your butt hot?

I hope so.

No, I mean literally. Is
it uncomfortably warm?

Dil, your seat heater's on.

What?

Oh.

[Rock music continues]

[Record scratches]

[Music stops]

What's the Gilbert cup? Huh?

That huge banner on
the front of your house.

It says "the Gilbert
cup 25th anniversary."

Yeah. Oh, uh, it's nothing.

Nothing? People don't hang
banners on their houses for nothing.

Yeah, well, uh, every year, my family
gathers here at my parents' house,

and we have this weeklong
tournament. It's really nothing.

And this is the 25th year?

That sounds like so much fun!

[Crowd cheering]

It's kind of fun.

Oh, my baby's here! Will: Hey!

Oh, sweetheart, come
here to your mommy.

Woo! Gil brought a girl.
Hey, what do you know?

Oh, your mom and I were
starting to worry about you.

Well, uh, mom, dad, this is Katherine.
Katherine, this is will and Carol Gilbert.

Good to meet you,
Mr. and Mrs. Gilbert.

Our pleasure.

Hey, you bulking up on me? You
working out? Huh? Come on in.

Hey, look at these Gilbert
shoulders, boy. Oh, well.

Let's get some weight on you.

Will, listen, did you
see dil's new car?

No. [Whistles]

Oh, my goodness.
That's not yours.

Carol: Will! Look
at this. Will: Son.

Oh, dear. Oh, my!

Things are going well, huh?

Famous Gilbert
apple pie coming up.

Don't ask for the recipe.
You'd have to marry in for that.

Oh, is that dil?
Carol: Oh, yes, it is.

They grew up so
fast, didn't they, will?

You know, they say it's only
natural for newborn boys to have

big old puffy breasts like that.

The first time I saw
that baby, I said,

"Carol, we gotta get
this baby a training bra."

[Carol and will laughing]

Now, what's the matter with him?

I don't know. It must have
been the long drive up.

Oh, he's always had a
sensitive stomach. [Dil retching]

Dil, get back in here!
Show some manners!

Oh, that's our most
recent family portrait.

Yeah, that's Gil, and
lil, and of course, dil.

Yeah, you know, some people like to give
their kids names with the same first letters.

But we decided to rhyme ours.

I'm will, she's Carol. But most
people pronounced her name "carrill."

So, will, carrill.
Basically rhymes.

And then we just went
from there. Katherine: Right.

Lil and dil are wonderful names.

But I wasn't so sure about
the name Gilbert Gilbert,

but will was adamant, so...

Oh, look, there's lil with
her old cat, colonel whiskers.

Boy, I tell ya, it was a sad day
when we had to put that cat down.

Vet said she was born with
some kind of psychotic condition.

I never understood it.

He had first-place
champions for both parents.

Just like our kids, right, hon?

Are you okay,
sweetie? Have some pie.

Oh, thanks, mom. I'm fine.

[Horn honking]

[Exclaims] Brother Gil's here!

Gil's here!

[Crowd cheering]

Up and at 'em. Go, go, go, go!

Would you like me to help you
carry the stuff in, Mrs. Gilbert?

Oh, that's okay,
Becky. We've got it.

Just keep the kids
away from the water.

So, Katherine, how long have
you and dil been seeing each other?

Dil: Not long. Not
long? Three months.

Three months. Hey, that's
how long dil was dating Julie

before she realized I
was the Gilbert of choice.

[Mouthing] Katherine:
Julie, you dated dil?

Julie: Just a little
bit in high school.

I went to the winter formal
with dil but I came home with Gil.

Oh?

I felt terrible at the
time, but it worked out.

Gil and I just celebrated
our eighth anniversary.

No hard feelings here.

I'm thrilled just knowing
that Gil's happily married.

Nice outfit, dil.
Mom lay it out for ya?

[Children shouting]

Sorry, Mr. Gilbert. I'll
get them out of here.

That's okay, Becky. Just take them
outside and have them help my parents.

Okay? Sorry.

I think we're gonna be really happy
we hired a summer girl this year.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, did you guys see
dil's new convertible?

Yeah, I see he didn't
splurge for the wire wheels.

Probably a lease, too, right?

[Horn honking]

That must be lil. Hmm.

Is your foot still hurting?

It always hurts, dil.

Thanks.

Julie, how is he still
mad at me about that?

He's mad at you? [Sighs] You
know Gil. He doesn't mean it.

Why is he mad at
you? What happened?

Well...

Hey! Where's silly dilly?

Hi, lil.

And you must be Katherine.

Katherine, this
is my sister, lil.

Nice to meet you. And,
by the way, great suit.

Thanks. So dil
tells me you two...

[Cell phone ringing]

Wouldn't you know it.

Yeah? Right.

I don't care. Foreclose.

That's why they build shelters.

My childhood wasn't
pretty, either. Bye, now.

Work. [Chuckles]

So, dil tells me that you guys
have something in common.

You're a lawyer, too?

And did he tell you that I just
became the youngest lawyer

in the history of my
firm to make partner?

No. Dil.

You made partner
already? Uh, yeah.

If I hadn't, I'd
be a total loser.

[Chuckles]

So, Katherine, what do you do?

Oh, well, I advise firms looking
for under-producing companies,

and help turn them around. Basically, my
specialty is finding diamonds in the rough.

Lil: Hey, look, everybody.

Look what I brought.
It's the Gilbert cup!

Dil told me there was a tournament,
but not that there was an actual trophy.

Mmm-hmm.

So tell me, how does this
Gilbert cup tournament work?

Well, there are five events. Our
parents pick two and we each pick one.

Now, no one reveals their
event until the night before,

in case the others
want to practice.

Last year's events were
wakeboarding... Karaoke...

poker... Free-throw shooting...

Both: And badminton!

Beat you!

[Gasps] I love badminton.

Dil, don't you just
love badminton?

[Crowd cheering]

Badminton's a blast.

Katherine: So, Gil seems nice. What
does he do? Dil: He's a congressman.

A United States
congressman? Yeah.

Your brother is a United States
congressman and you never told me?

I don't like to brag
about my family.

So this is your parents'
store? My grandma's.

This is the coolest
family I've ever met.

[Bell tinkling] Dil: Grandma!

Dil, what do you got there?

Grandma, this is Katherine.
Katherine, this is my grandmother.

Very nice to meet you.

Well, so dil snagged
himself a skirt.

[Laughing]

Nail down the
merchandise. Family's here.

[Children chattering]
Grandma: Oh, god.

Katherine, I'm gonna buy you a
pine lake t-shirt. What size are you?

Oh, thanks.

I usually wear a medium.

Hey, dil.

Hey. April, what are
you doing back in town?

Well, I got homesick, so I
moved back a few months ago.

The apartment
upstairs was vacant

and your grandmother gave me
my old job back here, so, yeah.

I had no idea. Wow.

It's really nice to see you.
It's nice to see you, too.

Hey, you guys,
enough of this chitchat.

Let's grab some
dinner. Let's go.

I'll see you around. Yeah.

Here we go, son. Come
on, April. You're one of us.

Okay. Joe, you wanna lock up?

There you are.

Lil.

[All chattering]

Will: Lil. Here you go,
sugar, sugar. Thank you.

Hey, oh, girl, girl. I want
the chocolate mountain.

We're out of the
chocolate mountain.

He got the last one.

I'll have the
stupid carrot cake.

One stupid carrot
cake, coming up.

All right, everybody, listen up.

As last year's winner
of the Gilbert cup,

I get to choose this
year's first event.

So, seeing as it's
the 25th anniversary,

I'd like to start
things off with a bang.

So it is with great honor and humiliation
that I announce the first event.

Hippety hop croquet! [All
laughing appreciatively]

Hippety hop croquet, big bang.

Let the games begin!

Uh, objection. Hippety hop
croquet's an illegal event.

What's wrong, baby brother?

Hippety hop croquet was an event ten
years ago. There's no repeating events.

But we never made that rule.

No, wait. Actually,
I think you did.

Remember when we were kids and
Gil wanted to repeat chutes and ladders?

That's right. I had to switch
my event to freeze tag.

Back when I could run.

I would like to request
an official ruling.

Hang on. Just a second. Let
me confer with my associate, here.

Okay, a ruling? What's going on?

When someone doesn't
think an event is fair,

Carol becomes the rules judge.

Like one year we had to
cancel the pie-eating contest

because dil's allergic
to strawberries.

Honey, I didn't know you
were allergic to strawberries.

Oh, yeah, 'cause Gil fed me a whole basket
of them when I was only six months old.

Gil, babies aren't supposed to have
strawberries until they're at least a year.

I was a toddler. I didn't
know what I was doing.

Oh, you knew what
you were doing.

I did not know what
I was doing! You did!

Attention. Attention, everyone.

The judge has made
her decision. Judge?

We did rule that an event
could not be repeated.

However, the intent of that rule was to
prevent someone dominating an event,

year after year.

And since lil didn't win
the hippety hop croquet,

that year, she came
in third, I believe,

my ruling is hippety
hop croquet is allowed.

Let the games begin!

[Exclaiming]

One more thing, everybody.

Since this is the 25th
anniversary of the Gilbert cup,

I figured we should
commemorate the annual tradition.

Oh, my god.

I took the Liberty of hand
etching the last 24 winners' names.

Gil, lil, Gil, lil,
Gil, lil, Gil, lil...

Well, everybody's
here except for dil-dil.

[Laughing] Dil-dil.

Honey, you never won?

Well, uh...

And who's getting
the check tonight?

Lil: Oh, I got it. My treat.
I object. Gil: No, no, no.

Dil: No, no, no. Will: I got it.

Okay, and the winner is

dil Gilbert's mastercard.

Will: You're the man, dil.

Hey, winner!

An omen?

Yeah, baby!

Where the hell's my carrot cake?

Ha! April. Yup.

You're gonna stick around
and watch the events this year?

Are you kidding me?
Ever one of them!

That's my girl. See you
tomorrow. Mmm-hmm.

Oh! Okay, bye. Bye.

You, yes. Yes!

All right, be careful. Bye.

My father and dil's
dad were best friends,

so I'm practically like
one of the Gilbert kids.

Actually, my parents even named
me April so I wouldn't feel left out,

'cause April rhymes with
Gil and lil and dil. Lil and dil.

Sounds like you're
the second sister.

Yeah. Yeah, which I love.

When we were younger, I always
hoped I'd marry one of the Gilbert boys,

but no need to fear that now.

Looks like you got the last one.

Hey, ladies, you up for
staying out a little later?

Yeah. Yeah.

Come on.

[All laughing]

Katherine: Are you sure
you don't want a beer, lil?

Oh, no, thanks. I haven't
touched a drop of alcohol

since my junior
year of high school.

Okay, well, here's
to not drinking!

Hey. [All toasting]

Hey, you know what my favorite
memory of the Gilbert cup is?

When lil picked sand castles
and her cat crapped in her moat.

Still, my rubik's
cube was brilliant.

Oh, yes, I remember that.

Brilliant?

Yeah, dad should
have disqualified it.

It was totally unfair.

Totally!

Oh, but it was fair
when you chose archery?

Oh, good point.

Yes. Yes, all of us had shot
arrows before at summer camp.

Even though I had practiced
before the tournament, all right?

It was still... Everyone
had a chance.

No one had even touched
a rubik's cube before.

You know, you can
solve it in 15 seconds.

That, my friend, is unfair.

You know, I wish you'd just
admit what this is all really about.

I don't know what
you're even saying.

Come on, man,
let's put it behind us.

I've apologized before. I'll
apologize again. I'm sorry.

It was an accident,
and I'm sorry. I'm sorry?

Yes.

And that's gonna
make everything okay?

It was a week before q-school.

What's q-school?

Q-school is qualifying
school for the pga tour.

Gil had an "accident,"

and had to withdraw a few days
before his shot with the big boys.

It was the 20-year
anniversary of the Gilbert cup,

and Gil chose lawn darts,
which we hadn't played for years

due to an unfortunate
incident with a pet rabbit.

Dil threw his dart first,
and didn't factor in tailwind.

I threw second,
but like an idiot,

overestimated the
tailwind and came up short.

[All exclaiming]

And then dil threw his.

Dil: There it is! Stay
on target. Stay on...

[Exclaims] Dil: Oh, no.

Dil: Gil, are you...

Painful.

[All exclaiming]

Lil: Should we... do
you... [Dil stammering]

Are you... I'm gonna...

Go, go, go. Okay.

Okay, Gil, just stay still!

And that was it.
Ever since that day,

I can't fully transfer my
weight to my left foot,

which means I can only
hit my driver 160 yards,

which is half the distance
of Tiger Woods. [Mouthing]

Okay, Gil, maybe
you should let it go.

Gil: I will not let it go.

Dil killed my dream of
becoming a professional golfer.

You are a United States congressman.
What are you crying about?

I am not crying

I am pissed. I am... I am pissed

because you shish-kebabbed
my foot on purpose.

It was an accident! I'd never
thrown one of those giant darts before.

And you wouldn't let us have
any practice throws. That's true.

I had no idea what I was doing.

Yes, you did. You
were aiming for me.

If I'd been aiming for you, I
probably would have hit the target.

Look, it was an accident, okay?

Come on, man. I'm
sorry. Let's put it behind us.

Brother.

[Softly] Brother...

We'll just get the check
when you have a second.

Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow, all
right? Bye. Yeah. Okay, see you later.

Mmm, that was a blast!

Your family is so much fun.

Yeah, they're a riot.

Hey, look, can we just get out of
pine lake and go enjoy ourselves?

Hanging around here
is like camp regression.

Go somewhere else? You can't quit
before the tournament's even started.

Dil, this could be your year.

Katherine, it's never my
year. And besides, it's stupid.

Actually, I've only been here for
a few hours and it's so clear to me

where your low
self-esteem comes from.

Gee, really, Dr. Freud?

Look, you know? Your family's
competitive. That's not so bad.

All you have to do is just step up to
the plate. Push the past aside, you know?

Forget about the years of intimidation
and empower yourself to win

the Gilbert cup. Katherine...

Dil, don't you see? The Gilbert
cup is what's holding you back in life.

That's insane. Is it?

How would you feel
if you won, just once?

I'll tell you how you'd
feel. You'd feel confident.

You'd feel on top of the
world. You'd feel like a winner.

So tell me, dil, are
you a winner or not?

[Crowd cheering]

[Soothing instrumental
music playing]

Oh. You're drunk.

Uh-oh. Don't take
advantage of me.

Come on, Gil, you know
what the therapist said.

No lovemaking until I'm at
peace with our decision to function

in traditional marital roles.

Okay,

find your peace, Jules.

Good night, Mr. Gilbert.

Good night, Becky.

[Snickering]

Katherine: Oh, dil! Dil!

Dil! Dil! Dil! Dil! Dil!

What? What is it?
What did you do?

What are you talking about?

Oh, no.

Oh, no! You wet the bed!

Gil. What?

Gil. What?

No. No, not that. Gil! He
put my hand in warm water.

He used to do it all the
time when we were kids.

He's an idiot. He's
a full-grown idiot!

Do you see, Katherine, do you
see what I've had to put up with?

From the moment I was
born, I've been Gil's little toy,

like I'm some action figure

that he can just rip the limbs
off whenever he feels like it!

Oh, my god!

Katherine, I have had it.

I have had it with
that son of a bitch

and I have had
it with all of them.

And you know what? I'm gonna
take care of it because I am a winner.

And in this year's Gilbert
cup, I'm going to kick some ass.

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Uh, shower time.

All right, contestants,
to the lawn.

What if it rains? You
gonna call off this sideshow?

What are they doing now?
Oh, it's the choosing of the balls.

Black! The death ball. Beware.

Red! Red got
you third last time.

Blue! Hmm, well, now
you have three of 'em.

Oh, and by the way, sport,

the next time you go beggin'
for a session with your wife,

how about keeping the
bedroom windows shut, okay?

Carol, bring over the
bouncers! There you go.

All right.

What's so hippety about
this croquet? You'll see.

Here you go, and there you go,

and blue for you.

Will: All righty, then. Regular
hippety hop croquet rules,

which means anything goes.

First one of you to hit your ball
through the sequence of wickets

is the winner.

The 25th annual Gilbert
cup is about to begin!

Players, to your marks!

April: Come on, guys!

Katherine: Remember, you're a
winner! April: Hurry up, hurry up!

Will: Get set...

Go!

[All cheering]

Whoa. Whoa.

[Bad reputationplaying]

Julie: Come on, Gil!

Fun game for adults.

Focus, focus! Get
back on that bouncer!

You'll get them, dil.

You're gonna pay for
what you did last night.

Oh, I'm so afraid
of the bed-wetter.

Oh, good for lil. Looks like
she's gonna win this time.

[Both shouting]

How old are these kids?

This is the way all the yard
games should be played.

Full body contact.

Gil's going to win.
Gil's going to win!

Katherine: Oh, sit down.

Damn it, dil! Gonna
come in second.

Aw, second's not bad.

Come on, dil! Come
on! Be a winner!

Be a winner, be a winner!

A winner? He doesn't
want to be a winner,

do you, buddy?

Katherine: Yes! Yeah!

Yeah! Croquet goes to dil!

Foreign object on the field!
Foreign object on the field!

I want a ruling! All right,
conference! Conference.

Wipe that victory
grin off your face.

Justice is about to be served.

Hmm. Such a gracious loser.

The judge has
reached her verdict.

A damaging foreign
object in the field of play

is not in the spirit
of the Gilbert cup.

Yes!

However, since we asked Gil
to please bring in that dog chain

12 years ago when cinnamon
died, and he neglected to do so,

he will now suffer
the consequences.

Dil is the winner of
hippety hop croquet.

[Exclaims]

[Cheering]

April: All right, dil!

Damn it!

Becky, tell grandma
to turn wrestling off.

Dinner's on the table. Yup.

Thank you.

Okay, you see, the way
the scoring works, Katherine,

is they get 10 points for each
event which they finish first,

five for second,
and then, of course,

a big old donut
for finishing last.

So, after the first event...

Dil's in first place.

Lil, your only sister,
is in second place.

And, congressman,
you're in third.

Way to go, dil.

You still got that shirt.

All right, Gil, spill it.
What's the next event?

Take it easy, counselor.
I've got nothing to hide.

The second event of
this year's Gilbert cup is

hidden depth.

What is hidden depth?

Hidden depth is a book of
computer-generated pictures

that you have to focus on differently
to see each hidden 3-d image.

That's the lamest
event I've ever heard of.

Why, because the gimp
won't be at a disadvantage?

You're not a gimp, honey.

Dad, come on, he's
obviously practiced.

Stop your whining, son.

Will: Competition starts in
the morning after pancakes.

Good night, grandma. Sleep well.

Fat chance with
all of you next door.

We'll try to keep it down.

Ah, don't worry.

My friend Rob Roy will
have me sleeping in no time.

Good night. Good night.

[Laughing]

[Sighs]

So, Katherine, who are
you using right now for m&a?

Oh, we have in-house counsel.

But we're starting to
look on the outside.

We should have lunch. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, wow. You have a lot
of not-alive-anymore pets.

Yeah.

There's cinnamon
and Joey, Nixon,

Emma, gordy...

Teddy. Teddy,

wiley,

and then there's
colonel whiskers.

I loved that cat.

And, then, I came home
from school one day

and found out my parents
had put him to sleep

because he'd been peeing
on their favorite chair.

That was in high school,
right before my, uh,

junior year abroad.

Hey, April.

Oh, hey. Hey. What a surprise!

Oh, you still run, dil?

Yeah, but clearly
not as much as you.

[Laughs]

Oh, my god.

So, it's, uh, it's quite a
Gilbert cup this year, huh?

And, Katherine, she
sure has lot of personality.

A whole lot.

Bringing her to pine
lake, it's, uh, it's a big step.

Yeah, well, to
tell you the truth,

Katherine coming up here wasn't
really my idea. It just kind of happened.

'Cause she wanted to
meet the family, you know,

learn more about me.

Wow.

I didn't know you
were such an enigma.

Oh, my gosh. Oh.

I, uh... I gotta
go get showered.

Hey, April, see you later?

Would I miss a
Gilbert cup event?

Okay, there are 25
images in this book.

The first one of you to yell out
five correct pages is the winner.

Questions?

Good. All right.

On your Mark, get set, go!

Carol: The children have
always enjoyed games.

At dinner I'd ask, "who won
at four square this afternoon?"

Or, "who won at tetherball?"

And, of course, the winner
was very eager to tell us,

"I won. I'm the winner."

On page four is a rabbit!

Nope. It's a house!

Wrong.

Page five is a
Rose! Will: Correct!

Will: Carol said we shouldn't
reward the kids for having fun

because it'd become more
about the reward than having fun.

I never followed that line of
thinking, 'cause I always thought,

if someone wanted to
pay me for having sex,

it'd be just that much better.

What? Oh, come on.
We're all adults here.

Page 12 is an airplane!

[Stammering] Uh, the concorde?

Correct. Four's a pirate ship!

Oh, not even close.

All we wanted for our children was the
opportunity to be anything they wanted.

Page 17 is a motorcycle. No.

A kitten. Ooh, correct.

Tell you what, I
couldn't be more proud.

I mean, our kids
are real winners.

I think their competitive
upbringing was healthy.

I mean, what better prepares
the kids for the real world?

The world's awful.

I know.

Uh, page 20 is a
palm tree! Correct!

Yes! [Laughing]

Page, uh, 24 is
a skull. Will: No.

It's a rhino! Correct!

[Laughs]

Come on, dil. Come on.

Page 2 is George Washington!

That is three for dil!

[Stammering] Oh, it is
a painting of a woman.

More specific. Let's go, dil!

It's the Mona Lisa! Correct!

Dil needs one more to win.

Page 23 is a forest!

That is three for
lil and one for Gil!

Come on, dil!

Page 18 is a dog. Not exactly.

Page 18 is a wolf.

Correct! That is two for Gil.

Page 7 is two deers
bucking antlers.

Yes! Lil, you need
one more to win.

Page 15 is a duck
underwater? No.

What? Isn't it?

Page 15 is a platypus.

Correct! That's three for Gil.

Quit stealing my
pages! I am not.

Page 25 is, uh, a computer! No.

Page 21 is a horse
with a party hat! No.

Page 21 is a unicorn?

Correct! That's four.

That's it! No, no!

Page 24 is an angel fish!

We got a winner! Gil's the
winner! Congratulations!

Son of a bitch!

[Soft music playing]

[Sighs] Dil, you're
doing so well.

Tied for first after two events.

This is gonna be your year.

Yeah, you never know.

[Both laugh]

What are you fishing for?

Anything, nothing. It
doesn't really matter.

Well, of course it matters. You
have to know what your goal is.

Katherine, you ever wonder why we
drive ourselves nuts working so hard

when there's no better reward
than just looking at a sky like this?

You're kidding, right?

[Record scratching]

[Music stops]

[Rooster crowing]

[Rock music playing]

What, you think you're in good
enough shape you can skip a day?

[Thunder rumbling]

Hey, I want to show
you something. Okay.

Oh, my god. It's mint.

First time I kissed a
boy was in a car like this.

[Exhales]

What do you say, hon?
Get another piece, hmm?

And split it between us? Will,
one piece of pie each is plenty.

What? I still got room.

Here. Put this in your purse.

Will Gilbert, is that you?

Teenie Nelson? That's right.

I haven't seen you in
forever. Good to see you.

You been avoiding me? No, no.
Carol, you remember Teenie Nelson.

Of course. Nice
to see you again.

Look at you. Still pretty as
the day you married this bum.

[All chuckling]

Aw, it's been a long time. Yeah.

Hey, how's your boy
Gilbert Gilbert doing?

Oh, he makes his parents proud.

You know, I gotta tell ya,

that was the best
bet I ever won.

Excuse me?

Well, Teenie, so, uh, what's...
uh, what's new with you?

What are you talking
about? What bet?

You know. The bet.

No, I don't. But I
sure am interested.

Oh, Teenie, I don't think
it's even worth mentioning.

Quiet, will. I want to know.

Will and made this bet on
the Carter-Reagan election.

My wife and you were both pregnant
with your firsts at the same time.

If Carter won, I'd have to
name my kid Nelson Nelson.

But if Reagan won, you'd have
to name your kid Gilbert Gilbert.

[Laughing]

I didn't think an
actor could win.

Do you mind if I ask you
guys a personal question?

Shoot. No, of course not.

Do you find the Gilbert
men sexually attractive?

Yeah. Yeah. You bet. Don't you?

Well, maybe it's just a
phase I'm going through,

but no, not exactly.

Ever since I got
pregnant with the twins.

How is Gil taking it? Oh, he
has the Patience of a Saint.

Where's Becky and the
kids? Where're the kids?

Uh, Becky and lil took them to
the pine cone days petting zoo.

Oh, I might drop by and...

What the hell is this?

Dil bought fruit for everyone.

But what's it doing
in the Gilbert cup?

This is a trophy,
not a colander!

Do you have any idea what
acidic juices do to precious metal?

Gil, take it easy. Dil
was just trying to be nice.

Trying to be nice? He's
trying to tarnish the cup.

Hey, kids.

[Chuckles] Good to see you, too.

Hey, Mr. Gilbert.
Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I
just thought i'd, uh,

stop by and check
out the beasts.

Oh, hey. Look at this.

This is the softest
thing in the world.

Oh, you're right.

Hey, Becky, uh, have you
ever wanted a fur coat? What?

A fur coat. Is that something
you've ever wanted?

God, no. I think they're gross.

Yeah, me, too.

Hello, hello,
hello, hello? Hello?

Aunty lil, look
what I found. Ohhh!

It looks like the picture of
the one you used to have.

Yes, it does. And it's a little
boy, just like colonel whiskers.

Can you keep him? He's
for sale. Oh, sweetie, I can't.

Why not?

Because your aunty lil
has a very demanding job.

And it wouldn't be fair to
the kitty if I took him home

and then I was
never home, would it?

Is that why you don't
have a husband?

Aren't you adorable?

Why don't you go play with
the porcupine? See you later.

It's hurtful. It's hurtful.

You made a great pie, hon.

[Sighs]

What?

You're not still mad at
me about the bet, are you?

It's been more than 30 years.

No harm, no foul.

Oh, for crying out
loud, Carol. It's funny.

You named our first child Gilbert
Gilbert because you lost a bet

and then rhymed the rest of the
kids' names to cover your rear end.

It's not funny.

I didn't mean to
lose the bet, Carol.

How was I to know the president
was gonna have a bad day?

What's wrong with mom?
Oh, you know your mom.

Her 'rhoids are barking. Carol!

So, when's our baby boy
gonna announce his event?

Gil, I'm getting pretty tired
of you calling me "baby".

Well, that's what you call a guy
who needs to sleep in huggies.

[Snickering]

I love the two of you
constantly fighting.

You're just wearing each other
down so I can win the Gilbert cup.

Speaking of which, uh, you
announce your event at the last second,

and your hand will be going
into warm water every night.

Not to mention a magic marker
goatee and shaved eyebrows.

Okay, you can save your threats.

I'll tell you my event right now,
because you can't practice for it.

The third event in this year's
Gilbert cup is family game show.

Last month I called mom and
dad and had them put together

some family trivia questions.

You think you can win that?

The youngest always
knows the least.

No, I've got a pretty good
memory when it comes to family.

Welcome, everybody,
to family game show,

the event that tests our
contestants' memory of family history.

Questions will start with 100
points, then they will go up.

Audience, no helping.

First question. How much did
lil's junior year abroad cost me?

$1,500. Wrong.

What?

$2,355 and 19 damn cents.

That's correct.

[Laughs triumphantly]

You guys may have learned
to tune dad out, but I didn't.

Question number
two, also for 100 points.

What caused the famous
power outage on Halloween?

Escaped convict cut the
power to the neighborhood.

Wrong.

No, it's not.

Dad flipped the
circuit breaker. Correct.

No, no, no, no, no.
That's not what happened.

An inmate escaped
from the local jail...

Oh, you bastards.

[In childish tone] Will, there's a
bad guy's loose in the neighborhood.

[In childish tone] Gil, get your
slingshot. There's a criminal!

Oh, yeah, really
funny. I was five.

I had nightmares for a year, and I
never went trick-or-treating again.

You ruined an entire
part of my childhood.

[In childish tone]
We're really, really sorry.

Both: Really sorry.

[Laughter echoing]

Next question, for 200 points.

When was Gil's
first date with Julie?

Duh, winter formal.
Thanks for bringing it up.

Duh, wrong!

Homecoming before
winter formal. That's correct.

No, Julie was with
me on homecoming.

We went to the game, and then...

You said you didn't feel well.

I'm sorry, dil.

Dil: What? We were kids.

[Laughs]

Okay, next question,
also for 200 points.

Which of you was born

with 12 toes?

It was me. Clearly it was me.

That seems to be the
theme around here.

I must be the one with
12 toes, so go ahead.

Laugh, laugh, laugh. Uh,
sorry, son, but it wasn't you.

It was Gil! Correct!

What? You had 12 toes, honey,

but we had two removed
when you were a few days old.

[Laughs] I was starting
to feel picked on!

Thanks for being sensitive. Oh,
come on. Extra toes are funny.

I had a surgery
when I was a baby.

I could have died.

Well... well,
yeah, but it's, uh...

I mean...

He was...

[Chuckles]

Next question, for 300 points.

Our seventh dog,
Nixon, died how?

Hit by a car. Wrong.

No, she's right. He was hit when
you guys took him out hunting.

Wrong.

Dad, I saw him dead
in the middle of the road.

You shot him, son!

I just told you he got hit by a
car so you wouldn't quit hunting.

It wasn't even noon yet.

[Gun shot]

All right, next question
is for 400 points.

Which of you did we potty train

by putting a picture
of dil in the toilet?

For 500 points...

Twenty-two years ago, we gave
each of you a baby duck for easter.

Six months later, why didn't
we eat Turkey for Thanksgiving?

And the last question,
for 1,000 points.

Who broke the plate glass
window in the summer of 1988?

I did!

Correct for 1,000 points, and
you owe me 300 bucks, mister.

I told you we'd find
out who did it. Yes.

Katherine, who's the winner?

Well, despite an
impressive finish, Gil,

lil comes in first,
Gil second and,

sorry, sweetheart, you
came in last in your own event.

So, with two events remaining,
we have ourselves a three-way tie!

[Laughing]

Anything can happen! Yes, sir.

You'll feel better after pie.

Yeah, big piece of loser pie!

[Knocking on door]

Hey. There you are.

Do you know how lucky you are?

No.

Well, you are.

Because to grow up
in this family was a gift.

Your parents created
the perfect environment.

That's why you're
all so successful.

My parents? Both
hippie social workers.

"There's no need to keep
score. We're just having fun!"

It's a miracle I turned
out the way that I did.

But you, you lucky guy,

grew up in a
well-fertilized garden.

I sure did.

I am so glad you invited
me on this trip, honey.

And if there's ever any doubts,

let me clear them
up for you right now.

I would love to be
a part of this family.

[Knocking on door]

Hey, get out here! Your mom's
announcing the next competition.

Carol: Sit down. Where's dil?

Dil: Here. Sorry. Carol:
Okay, come on in.

Okay, everybody, now I'm gonna
tell you about tomorrow's event.

Tomorrow's event is tonight!

Monopoly.

It's such a nice
family fun game.

If you like blood.

I'm gonna get a pot of coffee.

[All chattering]

[Doorbell chimes]

Hi. Hi.

Is Lilian Gilbert here?

I'm the shoe! No,
let lil be the shoe.

I don't give a crap who the
shoe is as long as I'm the scottie.

Lil, someone's here to see you.

Hi. Do I know you?

Uh, my name's Pam.

Hi, Pam.

Listen, if this is about the internship
at the firm, I'm sorry, but I can't...

I'm your daughter.

[Air hissing]

Excuse me?

Did you give birth to a baby
girl 18 years ago in San Diego?

Hey, sorry to
surprise you like this.

Uh, but I went to your office,

and they said that you were
on vacation here in pine lake,

so I came up here
and I asked around

and once I found
out where you were...

Hey, what... What
is this all about?

Do you want me to go?

No.

I have, uh, a confession
to make, everybody.

In high school, I didn't spend
my junior year abroad in Tijuana.

I, uh, got pregnant
and went to San Diego

to live with the
jacobsons to have, um...

Pam.

Pam.

Did you know about this?

That I was a grandfather
when I was 38 years old?

And you got mad at me because I
didn't tell you about some stupid bet?

You had a baby
in high school, lil?

Maybe it'd be better if
we talked in the morning,

so just the whole, kind of,
uh, idea of me can sink in.

I'll meet you at the diner
on main street. Is 9:00 okay?

Okay, I'll see you then.

Bye, everybody.

Bye. Bye, Pam.

Bye. Bye.

Pam.

Do you need some money
for a hotel or anything?

Oh, no, I'm fine, thanks.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

[Door opens]

Well... [Door closes]

That was an unexpected surprise.

Okay, I go first.

You have to roll to
see who goes first.

No, no, I think it's my
turn. Lil: You have to roll.

Wait a minute.

Doesn't anybody
want to discuss this?

Okay, I think April should be banker
so there's no embezzlement issues,

you know what I mean?
That's a really good idea.

Yeah, I can agree with that.

[Chattering]

Let's go.

[Snoring]

Gil: All right, come
on. What are you, tired?

A little tipsy, huh?
You want to quit?

Dil: Well, maybe
that's a good idea.

You can rest up
for the final event.

Really? Should I?

Just pass me the dice, okay?

Don't taunt someone who has
pictures of you from your boy band days.

That was a great
band. Oh, very funny.

Community chest.

That was Sherry andersen's
nickname, not mine.

We didn't say a thing.

You were thinking it.

"Advance to boardwalk."

Ooh, that's is not good.
Boardwalk with a hotel is...

Bankrupting me.
Here's all I got.

How about you make me a sandwich
and I'll extend you some credit, huh?

You know what? Kiss my ass.

I'm done.

Oh, poor baby.

Hey, what do you
say? Call it even?

My bet, you're concealing
lil's teenage pregnancy, hmm?

You'd do that?

Aw, Carol.

All I want to do is live
the rest of my life in peace.

Water under the bridge? Hmm?

But I kept an awfully big secret
from you for a long, long time.

Aw, it's okay.

You were only doing what
you thought was best for lil.

I love you, will Gilbert.

I love you, sugar plum.

Hey. Hmm?

Look what I brought.

A little boost to
the old hydraulics.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

Marvin gardens. $24.

Look, if you're short of cash,
I gladly accept mastercard.

Uh, here you go.

What can I say? I've
got a head for business

and a body for sin.

I never should have
made that railroad deal.

And it's not fair that I
got stuck being the hat.

I hate being the hat.

Hold on there, congressman.

Pennsylvania
Avenue with a hotel.

That's $1,400.

I see some fifties, couple
of hundreds, a lot of fives.

[Exclaims]

I don't think you got it.

I told you, you
overextended yourself.

You call yourself chairman
of the commerce committee?

I have $578.

That's not 1,400.

Wanna make a deal?

You're out. I win. Why
would I make a deal?

To make it more interesting.

Having the lead going
into the final event

is interesting enough
for me. No deal.

Oh, so that's the
kind of guy you are.

A winner? Yeah, that
is the kind of guy I am.

♪ Good night, Gilbert

both: ♪ good night, Gilbert
good night, Gilbert... ♪

Hold it!

I seem to remember something
about an offshore account.

What?

Oh, yeah. That's right.

My cash to debt ratio,

I remember it called
for a just-in-case fund,

you know, tucked away, out
of sight to avoid temptation.

You son of a bitch.

That's son of a bitch
with an additional $3,000.

I want to know where that
extra money came from.

What are you implying?

Hey, you guys,

what do you think
of my daughter?

She turned out pretty good, huh?

Except for all that
tree-hugger crap.

I did the right thing, didn't I?

Of course you did, lil.

You absolutely
did the right thing.

Okay.

I want to know where
that extra cash came from.

It's monopoly. I
don't have receipts.

You stole it from the bank.

Are you accusing me?

Yes, yes. April left, I
went to the bathroom,

and you helped yourself
to an extra three thou.

Lil was watching
me the whole time!

Lil doesn't know what
country she's in, thief!

I didn't take it!

[Both arguing]

Hey!

[Snores]

What the hell's
going on in here?

Will: Stop it!

Dad. Dad, Gil stole
money from the bank.

I did not. I am a congressman.

I have money stashed
everywhere. Oh, come on.

Where's April?

She's gone.

Why? It's 3:00 A.M.!

Dad, he has $3,000
he can't account for.

Where was lil during all this?

I wonder where Pam
gets that red hair.

Oh, yeah.

I want a ruling.

I'll give you a ruling.

Monopoly's a
three-way tie. What?

Well, I can't prove
Gil stole the money.

I can't prove he didn't.

And we have no
credible witnesses.

It's a wash. You all go
into the final event tied.

But I...

That's your mama's
ruling, okay? It's final.

Now keep it down in here.

There's people
trying to concentrate.

Yeah, go ahead. Just skip away.

La-la-la.

Just like you skip away
from everything else.

You just say goodbye and carry
on with your little stress-free lives.

Daughter gets pregnant,
you just ship her off.

Colonel whiskers
pees in a chair,

you just put him to sleep.

Hey. Now, we spent a lot of
money on that piss-happy cat. Hmm?

He had issues up here.

You want to know the truth? Huh?

I think we did the
damn thing a favor.

You murdered him!

You murdered the only
thing that made me happy!

Did somebody say something?

Lil, the liquor's talking.

Just like it did way back when
you got yourself into trouble.

Hey, honey, I'm gonna
go to bed. All right?

Now that other pill's
kicking in, okay?

All right, I'll see you
all in the morning.

Lil, honey, I know tonight was a
shock, but you're gonna be okay.

You have a wonderful daughter.

And I have a new granddaughter.

Now, you get some sleep.

We'll talk about this
in the morning, okay?

I will get some sleep.

Because tomorrow morning I am
having breakfast with my daughter.

Good thing I didn't keep her.

She'd do one thing
wrong around here

and you'd probably
have her put to sleep.

Oh, my.

Looks like the cat wasn't
the problem after all.

Colonel whiskers! I'm so sorry.

What're you looking
at? [Snickering]

Stop laughing! [Snickering]

[Knocking on door]

Hey.

Here.

Lil.

[Sniffles]

Why didn't you tell us?

Because Gilberts don't get
pregnant when they're 16 years old.

Gilberts don't do
anything wrong.

Come on.

[Rooster crowing]

I am not a crook.

[Shower running]

[Both screaming]

Get out! Becky,
no. It's just me.

I know it's you.
What are you doing?

No, no, no. It's not
what it looks like.

I thought Julie
was in the shower.

She's not. It's me. Get out!

You know, I'm actually
shocked at your reaction.

I mean, I thought there was
something happening between us.

Am I wrong? Yes, you're wrong!

My god, Mr. Gilbert,
you're old and gross!

[Echoing] Old, old, old
and gross, gross, gross!

And your wife is wonderful.
What's wrong with you?

You're crazy.

I don't think she
loves me anymore.

Go talk to her, not me,

in the shower!

Hey, do you
really think Julie...

Get out of here!

All right. I'm sorry.

Old and gross? Ouch.

What am I doing?

[Rooster crowing]

Going running?

Yeah.

You want to come?

Outside?

Yeah, outside.

It's beautiful.

Oh, there's probably bugs.

Is there a gym in town? Or
a spa? I would love a spa.

I can look for a spa
when I'm running.

Thank you, sweetie.

Yeah.

[Kissing]

[Sighing]

[Laughing]

Well, come on.

You're getting your lungs back.

Yeah, I don't even
have any incentive.

You keep wearing those pants.

I like the view better when I lag
behind. Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Oh, my god. Wow.

This is the best spot in town.

Yeah, everyone's
dying to come up.

I'm joking about my
dead parents. How nice.

You run by here every day?

I'm an only child. They
were my best friends.

Yeah.

You know, when
I was little-little,

I was afraid to go in the lake.

Of course, my family
was very understanding.

[Laughing]

And then one day, your
father, with great Patience,

taught me how to swim.

And I wasn't afraid anymore.

Until Gil told me there
was a monster in the lake,

which now I'm
pretty sure there isn't.

Yeah, I probably
shouldn't tell you this,

but you were my
parents' favorite Gilbert.

Huh. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, not that you're
great or anything, okay?

It's just you...

You didn't make them so nervous.

Really? 'Cause usually I
inspire such raw fear in people.

[Laughs]

Oh, I know. Me, I
find you terrifying.

You know, maybe...

Maybe this'll be your year, dil.

April.

Look, I'll race you down.

Yeah.

You kind of need
that head start.

Excuse me.

How much do you
want for this decoy?

Ooh, what is that, the
signed canvasback?

Oh, I didn't see a signature.

Hundred and fifty.
It's hand carved.

Is that the best you can do?

Okay. A hundred. But don't
tell anyone where you got it.

Do you take mastercard?

You bet.

You know, I got more carvings
from this guy coming in this afternoon.

But come alone, 'cause I don't
want a throng of collectors in here.

Is this artist that hot?

[Exclaims] Once New York
says you're hot, you're on fire.

Here you go. I'll see you later.

Good morning, April.

Hey. Sorry, I'm late.

I'm just gonna shower
quick and I'll be right down.

Why are you running so much?

You joining the army?

Uh, no, no.

Uh, it's just a nice
time of day to be out.

[Blows]

I can't believe I bit the
valve off my rubber donut.

If the little drugstore
doesn't have one,

we'll have to drive
back to the city.

Oh! Oh, hon, I got a great idea.

Here. Follow me.

[Inaudible]

Hey, Gilberts. What
can I do for you?

What is the smallest
inner tube that you have?

Just got a shipment of inner
tubes for wheelbarrow wheels.

Is that too small?

Outstanding. We'll
have a few, okay?

Huh? Just in case.

Oh, yay.

Will: Hey, everybody,
are we gonna let a little rain

ruin our good old
family Gilbert tradition?

All: No!

No! If your marshmallows
catch on fire,

do not throw them away.

I like them just fine.

[All laughing]

Oh! Honestly.

Lil: Nice work, dad.

Hey, if I remember right,

a certain someone won't
eat his marshmallows

unless they're a
perfect, golden brown.

This is for you.

Thanks.

Yeah.

[Exclaiming frightfully]

All right.

Uh, no, thanks,

I've gained like a whole
pound since I've been here.

Yeah, that's why we're here.

Come on, try it.

Eh, I'd better not.

What's her name?

Katherine.

Jules, take your
time with, uh...

[Clears throat]

You know.

I'll be here when you're ready.

Thanks.

Here,

try some of this.

Wait, wait.

Lil: Thank god it's
not raining anymore.

Dil: [Laughs] You're
making a mess.

Hey, what's up?

I just have to say that
April has a crush on you.

I don't think so.

I know what I saw, dil, okay?

And she's definitely
got it for you.

Hey, are you taking a shower
tonight or in the morning?

'Cause I want to make sure
we have enough hot water.

You know she's always
wanted to marry a Gilbert.

What? Come on.

That's what she told me, dil.

And you're the only one left,

so she's obviously got
her sights set on you.

Hey. That's ridiculous.

Do you have
feelings for her, dil?

Look, Katherine,

both of April's
parents passed away.

She doesn't have any siblings.

We've known each other
since we were in utero.

She's my friend.

I have friend
feelings for April.

Well, I hope that's all it is

because, um, I'm
really falling for you, dil.

And the potential that I saw
in you is really shining through.

I mean, can you believe

that you're going into the
last event tied for the lead?

No, I can't, actually,

and it feels pretty great.

[Clearing throat]

What?

Well?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Do you see what a
wonderful team we make?

Well, we've done
pretty well, haven't we?

Pretty well?

I think we've done
pretty fan-frickin'-tastic.

And I'm thinking...

I'm thinking we should
take things to the next step.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

I brought the handcuffs.

No!

Let me be perfectly clear
about what I'm saying.

[Unzipping]

What is this?

Are those real?

Yes. My jeweler said that I
could keep them for a while.

That way, it saves you the
stress of worrying about what I like.

[Laughs]

So you want me to
choose one of these?

Yes. But not right now, okay?

I want you to wait for
the most romantic moment

that every girl has dreamed of.

I want it to be perfect.

[Chuckles nervously]

Wow.

It's like a little
engagement kit.

[Laughs]

Oh, um, one more thing.

About Gil giving you those
golden marshmallows?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's like he's trying
to be nice all of a sudden,

can you believe it?

No, I can't.

Maybe he's finally
getting over his grudge.

[Sighs] Don't be naive, dil.

That's exactly what
he wants you to think.

He's trying to take
your edge away

because he knows what
a threat you are this year.

Katherine, look, I know
I have a shot tomorrow,

but it's a long shot.

Gil and lil are both gonna
be on top of their game.

Gil, don't regress, okay?

You are not a
long shot tomorrow.

You are the favorite
and you're gonna win

that beautiful Gilbert cup.

[Rooster crows]

[Clattering]

[Exhales]

[Both panting]

That was unbelievable.

We have to take a
three-year break more often.

I just may agree to that.

Up and at 'em! Let's go!

[Blowing whistle]

Out of bed! On the double!

Time for the last event!
This ain't no drill, people!

Move! Move, move!

Let's go, kids! On your feet.

Time for your father's event.

What just happened?

[Groans]

[Rooster crows]

Will: All right, listen
up. At 0600 hours,

each of you will be dropped
off at separate locations

on the outskirts of the
minnehaha nature preserve.

Now, each location is exactly
16 miles through the preserve

to the pickled loon restaurant,

where the first Gilbert who walks
through those doors wins the Gilbert cup.

Now, you have 10 minutes
to pack whatever you need,

pick a partner for the
mission. Questions?

Uh, yeah. What's
with choose a partner?

It's a new twist for
the 25th anniversary.

You get to bring someone
who you think can help you win.

Why would you choose this event?

I'm at a total disadvantage
because of my foot.

Mmm, of course you are, son.

But each of you has a
weakness in this event, okay?

Now, rendezvous in
10 minutes. Dismissed!

Come on, come on.

Don't get too fond of that,
dil. You haven't won yet.

Hey, April, what're
you doing here?

Your dad told me about
the event last night.

Well, I wish you
would've told me.

I'd have gone to bed earlier.

I think I've been as forthcoming
with you as you've been with me.

Come on, dil!

We only have nine
and a half more minutes!

Yeah. Coming.

Good luck out there, brother.

Yeah, you, too.

Hey, April. Hey,
you ready? Yeah.

Wait a minute.
April's your partner?

Yeah, Julie's pretty wiped.

See you out there, dil.

Will: Okay, everybody,
it's back to nature time.

You will enter the reserve
directly in front of you.

Other than motorized
assistance, anything goes in there.

First Gilbert, with or
without your partner,

to join us for cocktails at the
pickled loon wins the Gilbert cup.

Your mother and I are not
responsible for wood ticks,

mosquitoes, or bodily
injury of any kind.

By taking part in this event,

you waive all rights
to seek damages

for physical or emotional harm.

Good luck to all of you.

[Gun firing]

"Everyone has a
weakness in this event."

I don't have a weakness.

Katherine: [Sighs]
Did you see the way

Gil was exaggerating his limp?

He's so faking it.

Give the guy a break.
He can barely walk.

Well, he walks a hell of a lot
better when you're not around.

I'm telling you, he's trying
to make you feel guilty.

He's playing you like
a one-string banjo.

A one-string banjo?

Oh, shut up. I'm guessing
they're easy to play.

Hey, how's your foot?

Well, the pain comes and goes.

Are we going the
right direction?

You know, I don't
like that Katherine.

She's too competitive.

Well, I don't really
like her either,

but you gotta give her credit.

She lit a fire under dil,
which he definitely needed.

Yeah, due west should do it.

All right, let me know
if we get off track.

[Mouthing]

Well, I can't help but blame
myself for dil being with her.

How would you be responsible?

Well, growing up with me didn't
do much for dil's self-esteem.

And low self-esteem is how you
end up with a girl like Katherine.

Katherine: I think we should
move into my apartment.

What's wrong with my place?

Nothing, really.

Well, the neighborhood's
not exactly up and coming.

And, well, the shops
are kind of regular and...

[Sniffing]

Man, what is that stink?

It's not me. Is it you?

Oh, no.

Dil. What?

Why are you mad at me?

It's not like I dropped
one and then stepped in it.

A bear crapped in the
woods. It's what bears do.

Do bears crap in the woods? Yes!

Geez. Take it easy,
all right? It just stinks.

You must have
stepped in a fresh one.

[Bear growling]

Okay, on the
count of three, run.

No. What?

You can't outrun a bear.

Well, he's going to eat us.

No, he doesn't want to eat us.

He wants to eat your pack.

Why does he want to eat my pack?

Because your pack has the food.

Now, very slowly, take
it off and set it down.

It's designer and my
sunglasses are inside

and they're like $300...
Katherine, just take off the pack.

[Bear growling]

Okay, I'll do it. Geez.

[Sniffing]

Oh, no! What, what?

I forgot the diamonds! What?

The diamonds are in the pack!

Why'd you bring the diamonds?

Because I thought that
this hike through the forest

would be the perfect
romantic moment, you idiot.

Just let me go get
them. It's no big deal.

No. No. What?

They're just diamonds,
forget about them.

Those "just diamonds"
are worth $100,000.

What's your life worth?

Well, uh... Come on, come on.

Wait. Wait?

Yeah. Look. He has one
of those radio collars on.

Number 97. He's a science bear.

Science bear?

Yeah, you know,
they put the collars on

so that they can track them
and learn more bear stuff.

Let me tell you something

they already know about bears.

They love tuna fish sandwiches.

Let's go.

I've got your number,
bear. I will be back.

Dil: Come on. Katherine: Okay.

Why did you say, you
had that bear's number?

Listen, you can do
this without me, right?

What are you talking
about, Katherine?

It's just that I have
an idea of how

to get the diamonds
back from the bear.

So, can you finish
this without me or not?

Because if you need me
to finish with you, I will.

I'm waiting.

Go.

Okay. Are you sure?

Goodbye, Katherine. All right.

You'll be okay? Yeah.

Okay. I can still
win this thing.

Yeah. Go get 'em.

Hey, I'll meet you at
the pickled loon, okay?

[Panting]

It's 11:00. If we could just pick it
up a little bit, we could get to the...

No. What?

I can't go any farther.

Yes, you can. You're
a chip off the old block.

Cut the type-a crap, okay?

You go on ahead.

Well, I can't just leave you
here in the middle of the woods.

Yes, you can. I
don't mind, really.

It's beautiful in here, and I'll
get to the restaurant eventually.

Pam.

I don't want to slow
you down anymore.

I think we'd better
get the compass.

I agree.

Okay. It's...

Where did I put that compass?

Is that a gun? Huh?

Gil, why do you have a gun?

Oh. I'm licensed to carry
a concealed weapon.

Why?

Well, the state's redrawing my congressional
district to be more conservative.

Gun permit looks good.
Plus, you never know.

Where did I put that compass?

Okay, Gil, do you mind
putting the gun away?

It's just creeping me out.

It's not even loaded.

Still.

Fine.

[Gun firing]

What was that?

Probably just some
kids with firecrackers.

Craisin?

Thanks.

[Gil groaning]

Okay, I know it hurts, but
I... I gotta get the shoe off.

But if my foot
comes off with it,

then it's gonna really hurt.

Hey, what's going on? Oh, god.

Gil shot himself in the foot.

[Gil exclaiming] With what?

A gun, which I'm really thankful I
didn't stash in my pants like Magnum...

Holy hell! My foot hurts... p.I.

Do you have your cell, dil?

Yeah.

Is there a lot of blood?

April: Well, yeah, you
shot yourself in the foot.

Gil: I can't look at it. I pass
out at the sight of blood.

Oh, god!

Well, I guess that nationwide
network has a few holes in it.

Yeah, well, we gotta
get him out of here.

Yeah. No, no, no.

No, dil, this is your year.
You gotta finish the race.

I'm gonna be all
right. No, you won't.

Your foot is shot.

I can't leave you here.
You'll never let me forget it.

Tighter, tighter. Okay.

It's not your fault.

What?

I never would have
made it as a pro golfer,

even if you hadn't
lawn darted my foot.

The truth is, I can't putt.

My hands shake.

Remember a couple years ago,

when lil's event
was house of cards?

I couldn't make it
past the first floor.

I know you didn't aim for me.

I knew it was an accident. I've
always known it was an accident.

[Sighs]

I just blamed you because I
didn't want to blame myself.

Well, then, I'm
leaving you here to die.

What? Dil!

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

Come on. Let's get
him. We gotta get him up.

Put it behind us, brother?

Yeah.

Hey, I think I got an idea
how to get you out of here.

Where'd you get those?

They're mom's. Huh?

I've looked everywhere.
Have you found one yet?

No! I don't know where
the stupid things are.

Three rubber donuts
don't just float away.

April: Are you sure
this is going to work?

Dil: Yeah, this lake
empties into the river.

Just paddle out
beyond this rock,

the current will
take you from there.

You'd have won this
thing floating the river.

You'd have beaten
us by two hours.

Thanks, brother.

Yeah. I'll see you
at the pickled loon.

Congratulate lil for me.

Thanks, April.

You be safe, Moses.

Bye, guys. All right.

You definitely would have won.

Damn right.

Beautiful people.

Hey, what... What
happened to Katherine?

Oh, I don't know, I think
she was born that way.

[Laughing]

No, no, I mean, where is she?

Oh. Well, the short of it is

a bear ate her pack
a few minutes in,

she turned around, I
haven't seen her since.

Uh-huh.

[Laughing]

Wow. So it's kind of a
weird coincidence, then, huh?

Just, you know,
Katherine leaving

and Gil shooting
himself in the foot.

Yeah.

April, we've known each
other a long time, right?

Yeah.

Will you be my partner?

[Stuttering] Your partner?

And my girlfriend.

What?

Will you be my girlfriend?

Okay, wait, dil.

Dil, where's this coming from?

I think that mostly it's
always been right in here.

Look, um, I've always
known you were special

since we played
tetherball and four square

and when we used
to kiss in my old car.

[Laughs]

And maybe because we've
known each other forever,

maybe because my
family was always around,

I just never really considered
that we could be more than friends.

And what about Katherine?

You may have noticed that I've
become a more confident person lately.

Well, I can confidently tell
you that I do not like Katherine.

[Sighs] Oh, boy.

Dil, this better not be some
competitive Gilbert trick

to get me to help you win today.

Come on, April, you know
I'm not like the rest of them.

You may be the only
person who knows.

Is it the size of
the rock? [Laughs]

'Cause I can get a bigger
one. There's like a million of 'em.

No, no, no, the rock...
The rock is exquisite.

Good.

Let's see.

Okay, what are you doing?

I love it.

[Laughing] I love it.

Oh, dil Gilbert.

Yeah?

I would love to be your
partner. And your girlfriend.

[Duck quacking]

You know what? We
should get out of here.

That bear may still be around.

You were serious? A bear
really ate Katherine's bag.

Oh, yeah.

He's probably pissed
'cause it was all low-carb.

Come on. [Chuckling]

[Growling]

[Farting]

Oh, you can do it, big boy.

This is your job.

What? I'm paying you
$500 for an afternoon's work.

Listen, lady. I found the
bear, you pick up the deposit.

[Sighs]

So, there was no way that
I was going with him then

because that would lower
me into Karen simonville,

not that Derek McHenry
doesn't have an amazing butt.

Ooh, enjoy the amazing
butts while you're young.

They get less amazing over time.

[Laughs]

We should go
congratulate the winner.

Sorry I slowed you down so much.

Oh, no. This has been
the best Gilbert cup yet.

Hey.

How did you two end up together?

Well, the craziest thing, you're
not gonna believe this, but...

Now! [Lil gasps]

You better run!

There go my chromosomes.

You're a baby! I can't
be beaten by a baby!

No!

Cheater!

Oh, hey, that is not fair.

[Gasping]

Grandma? Grandma? Oh, my god.

Lil, call 911.

[Laughing]

Son of a bitch!

Winner!

You ruthless,
underhanded slime bucket.

Easiest 100 bucks I ever made!

[Grandma laughing]

Dil, you did it!

That's my boy. My baby!

I told ya!

Congratulations, baby brother.

Well, looks like it's finally
dil's year. Congratulations, son.

Thanks, dad.

You don't know the half of it.

Katherine: Dil.

[Panting]

Oh, dil. You have no idea
what I've been through!

It was horrible.
It was horrible!

Uh, listen, Katherine,
let's go for a little walk.

What? Why? I just got here.

Well, I know, I know.

But it's important.

Oh.

Oh! Okay. Sure. Okay.

Dil won the cup.

What? You won? We did it!

That's great! Okay, let's go.

Does anyone smell something?

Don't look at me.

[Exclaiming in disgust]

Katherine... Mmm-hmm?

Katherine, I...

I, uh... oh, boy!

[Sighs] Come on,
dil. You can do this.

Look at everything
you've done already!

And I'll even cut
you some slack.

You don't have to
get down on one knee.

Katherine, it's over.

What?

I can't see you
anymore. I'm sorry.

You're sorry? You're supposed
to be proposing to me right now.

Well, I know, I know,
but I can't because...

I'm in love with April.

April? That hick?

What will people
think if you're with her?

Probably the same thing people
thought when you were with me.

Well, mister, you
better open your eyes

and look at everything
that I have done for you.

When I found you, wallowing in
self-pity, I made a commitment.

Katherine... No!

I gave you the confidence
to win the Gilbert cup.

And I, you ungrateful ass,

even just gave you the confidence
to try to break up with me!

You are nothing without
me. Do you understand that?

And I have made a
substantial investment in you.

I know, Katherine,
and I'm grateful.

But we're not
right for each other.

You and I both know that.

But you owe me.

Katherine...

I owe me.

I'm sorry.

[Wedding marchplaying]

Dil: Well, we have a few more
Gilberts and friends than usual this year,

so for those of you
who don't know,

here's how the
Gilbert cup works.

The previous year's winner
gets to announce the first event.

So, as last year's winner, it
is my privilege to announce

that the first event of the
26th annual Gilbert cup is...

Sorry, Gil. Dancin' Gilberts!

[All laughing]

♪ Clap your...

Will: You're the man, dil.

♪ Clap your...

♪ clap your hands

I can't believe my baby
brother got married before me.

♪ Come on and
sing the wedding song

♪ come on and
sing the wedding song

♪ come on and
sing the wedding song

♪ come on and sing ♪

Will: Watch out, now! Get out!

You sure aren't taking this
first event very seriously.

Hey, I'm the defending champ.

I can afford to slack off.

[Laughing]

I don't know.

First place, 10 points.
Second place, five.

Taking time to dance with
my new bride, priceless.

Pretty neat, huh?

April's officially
part of the family.

And do you know the best part?

We'll see dil and April for
Christmas and Thanksgiving

because her parents are dead!

Mmm-hmm. Uh-huh.

I love you.

I love you, too.

[All cheering]

Will: Oh, dil's in
trouble tonight!

[Will cheering]

Will: That's right.
There you go!

[All exclaiming]

Will: Don't forget
you're a Gilbert, son.

That's right. Yeah.