Original subtitles

So, Dad, last day as a free man.

No more wild nights, no more wild women.

So basically, same old, same old.

Like father, like son, eh?

[both chuckle]

Yeah.

-Your sister, sir. -Oh, Jocelyn.

There's the groom.

Darling, handsome as ever.

[Niles clearing throat]

-Niles, you're always stunning. -Oh, stop.

Press everything in my bag, would you?

I said stop.

So where is she? Where's mother?

Oh, she declined the invitation.

Seems she despises your fiancée.

What? That's ridiculous. I talked to her the other day. She said she adores Fran.

Abhors, darling.

I know it's horrid, but you know Mummy.

She doesn't think anyone has the class of a Sheffield.

Yeah, so?

In the short year that I've been here,

I have added a certain element of style and panache to this house.

When did I eat corn?

Well, she loved my late wife, Sara.

Oh, absolutely.

-She thought she was a real stitch. -Yeah, right.

She did say stitch?

Oh, Jocelyn, I can't believe this.

My own mother not coming to my wedding?

Well, fine. Fine, see if I care!

I don't need her approval.

All right, maybe Fran was a little rough around the edges

in the beginning,

but after 5 years of being exposed

to the finest things in life, one grows.

You got the edible undies in petite?

Oh, wouldn't this look adorable on me?

Ma, I'm getting a little scared just seeing it next to you.

-How are we doing on time? -Oh, let's see.

Uh, nineteen hours and ten seconds till the big event.

-[exclaims] -Well, what about till the wedding?

[both] Ahh! [giggle]

Oh, good. Oh, you got the piña colada in petite. That's great.

Ma, wait till you see the gorgeous negligee that I ordered.

It is so... black?

Oh, no, no, no. I ordered this in white.

No, I'm sorry. They shipped it in black, hon.

But I ordered it in white, doll.

No can do, babe.

Well, doll better do, or babe will kill doll!

Everybody calm down.

Look, darling, my daughter is getting married

in 19 hours and nine seconds.

Is there something that we could do

to expedite the situation?

Are you trying to bribe me with a candy bar?

Half.

I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do to help you.

The South Jersey store can't ship till Monday.

You'll have to take the black.

She can't wear friggin' black! It's her wedding night!

She has to look like a virgin.

I said look.

♪ She was working In a bridal shop ♪

♪ In Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Til her boyfriend Kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those Crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge From Flushing ♪

♪ To the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make-up But the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there ♪

♪ That's how she became ♪

♪ The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed That the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father Finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids Are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else Is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl From Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran! ♪

We schlepped all the way to Jersey for that negligee

and in two seconds, he's gonna rip it off,

cover you with chocolate Cool Whip and ravage you.

Taking a little trip to hotel vicarious, Ma?

So, Sylvia, do you remember what you did the night before your wedding?

Yeah. I dilated three centimeters.

I know what I'm gonna be doing.

Val's coming over, we're gonna get manicures and pedicures.

Ooh, and I got those special strips that when you tear them off your nose,

it cleans out your whole pores.

Ooh!

I used the tape from Daddy's toupee.

It works the same way.

Oh, I tell you, this is just fabulous.

We're making incredible time here.

There's nobody on the road but us.

Oh, this shortcut of yours is just brilliant.

Hold on! Hold on!

I just want to say that I hate you so much right now.

You know? It is so unwise for you to turn on me right now

because last week, the exact same thing happened to that tire,

and I learned how to change it.

-Oh, Val, you know how to change a tire? -Mmm-hmm.

I'm very impressed.

I don't know anything about changing a tire,

except...

-Val? -Yeah?

Is the spare tire over there?

Not so impressed with me anymore, are you, Fran?

How could you not replace the spare?

We're in the middle of nowhere. What are we gonna do?

Well, I learned something.

I cannot go tinkle with a raccoon watching me.

Sylvia, do you know anything about patching a tire?

What do I know from tires?

Oh, I'll take care of it.

I don't believe you two. Modern, liberated women of the nineties.

You don't know how to get a tire fixed.

Well, I don't care what my mother says.

I know you're the one for me.

[Sara]She is the one for you, Max.

-Sara? -Hi, Max.

My God!

Have I completely lost it?

No. No, no, no.

And you are making the right decision, Max.

That's why I came.

I want you to know how happy I am for you.

Oh, you are?

Look at your eyes.

-Look at your smile. -[both chuckle]

I love what she's done for you.

Oh, I am so happy to hear that, Sara,

because I am just crazy about...

It's okay to love her, Max.

I love her, too.

Look at what she's done for our children.

I will be grateful to her for the rest of my life.

It's an expression.

Oh, Sara, my darling, Sara.

Oh, when I lost you, I couldn't handle anything,

especially the children.

And then, out of nowhere, this meshuggener woman...

-It's an expression. -[chuckles]

She... she came into our lives

and for the first time, made us all smile again.

Okay, well, we gotta make Maggie beautiful.

-Yeah, like that's gonna happen. -Shut up, Brighton.

-Hey, be nicer to your sister. -Why, because we're a family?

Yes, that's right. And someday, your father's gonna be old and sick.

You're gonna want him to live with her.

-I wrote you a poem, Fran. -You did?

"F" is for the fun we have together,

"R" is for the rummy that we play,

"A" is for the answers to my questions,

and "N" is for the nasal things you say.

We were in... in the locker room after gym.

And?

Fran, I'm smaller than everyone else.

Smaller? How?

Just forget it. It's too humiliating.

Well, what could be so humiliating about being smaller in a locker room?

Honey, you know, if you don't want me to go out with him, just say so.

I respect your feelings.

Well, I don't want you to go out with him.

Well, then I won't go out with him.

I love you and I'd never do anything to hurt you.

I love you too, Fran.

Then please let me go out with him!

I'm gonna grow old and die waiting for your father.

Hello, sweetheart.

Do you like my party dress? Lohmann, 70% off.

She'll never shop retail again.

Hi, Dad. Surprised?

-No tricks, Brighton. -Best behavior.

All right.

Come on, Maggie. Don't be shy, honey.

My God!

I had no idea how much she looked like her mother.

Oh, I think you'd really like her, Sara.

I do, Max.

Why do you think I sent her to you?

You sent her to me?

And you heard her speak?

I thought she had a cold.

-[knocks] -Is everything all right?

Niles! Niles, Come on in, come on in. Look who's here.

Who, sir?

He can't see me, Max.

Would you like a drink?

No, thanks. It goes right through me.

No, I'm fine. Thank you, Niles.

[both laugh]

Be happy, honey.

I'll always love you, Max.

And I'll always love you.

Right back at you, sir.

Oy!

Oy!

Stop!

I cannot move one more inch.

Oh, I am just so parched. I need water.

Oy! I left the water in the trunk.

Oh, well, that's genius, Val.

Now, which one of us is gonna have to go all the way back and get it?

Oh, fine, I'll go.

All right, Fran, this is starting to get really scary.

Remember that movie we saw where those people were starving,

so they started eating things they wouldn't normally eat?

You mean the tape of my bas mitzvah?

No.

I mean the movie where they started eating each other.

Oh, well, fortunately, we've got an all-you-can-eat buffet

pulling up the rear.

You're gonna be hungry until you get a mind-set.

You gotta block out all thoughts of food and pastry products.

You know, we've been walking for 3 hours. How can you not be hungry?

Ma, did you eat my edible underwears?

Maybe.

Ma, we were gonna ration my undies.

I was nervous. You know I always eat when I'm nervous.

Nervous, happy, sad, swimming.

Well, if no one is gonna have any more of the cake,

I'm gonna put it away.

Oh, that's good.

-Out of sight, out of mind. -Smart, yeah, Ma.

Very smart.

Oh! Stop her! Stop her! She's got the cake!

Oh, my God! I'm having palpitations.

Quick, get me my medicine!

-Darling, what's wrong? -[chuckles]

Oh, nothing. I just need to be with my daddy right now.

Oh, why, sweetheart?

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

I know, I know. Isn't it awesome? I knew that you would love it.

No! No, no, no.

That was a shocked and horrified "Oh, my God!"

It's bloody awful!

Well, I'm sorry, Dad, but I'm 18 years old now

and I can make my own decisions.

Ms. Margaret, your hair.

It makes you look so much younger.

No one will ever believe you're 18. I love it.

Well, I hate it, and I'm going back blond.

She's easier to work than a Muppet.

Since you're feeling so clever,

maybe you can help me with a rather delicate situation.

Oh, sir, who cares if your mother's not coming to the wedding?

Ms. Fine has more class than she'll ever have.

Isn't it interesting how you knew of it

before I told you about the delicate situation?

Sir, that haircut makes you look three years younger...

Knock it off.

Do you think I should tell Fran my mother's not coming to the wedding?

Well, sir, if I've waited this long to tell her,

I should think it's the least you could do.

[telephone ringing]

Yes, hello?

Oh, Mrs. Toriello, How...

What?

Well, where?

Well, yeah, I just got a pen. Hang on.

Val, Fran, and Sylvia haven't come back from New Jersey

and now their car's been found abandoned on the side of the road.

-Oh, dear. -Yes. Yes, Mrs. Toriello, I'm here.

All right, good. I'm on my way.

Don't worry, Mrs. Toriello,

I'm sure everything is just fine.

Yes, I'm sure you're right, sir.

They're very resourceful women.

I'm telling you, it's gonna work.

Remember that nature program we saw

where those bears made a spout in the tree,

so syrup would come out so they could eat?

Val, those bears were Yogi and Boo-Boo.

I cannot believe this. This is the night before my wedding

and I'm stuck on the side of the road, in the middle of nowhere

with you, my mother, and that stupid snake.

-[gasps] Snake! -A snake!

[all yelling]

-I hate snakes. -I hate snakes.

-Oh, my God! -Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, a call box!

A call box!

A call box! Oh, my God, a call box!

Forget it, Fran, I'm all out of quarters.

You don't need quarters for a call box, Val.

Well, I wish you would have told me earlier.

We could have used the one next to the car.

-Hello? -Hello?

Hello, hello.

Is there a problem?

[Fran]I'll say there's a problem.

We're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere.

I'm supposed to be getting married in less than 14 hours.

And we're starving to death because my mother ate my underwears.

All right, why don't all of you stay calm?

We got your call box number.

We'll send someone out to you in a few hours.

A few hours? No, no. Sir, you don't understand.

I've waited five years to marry this man.

And it's true we had some problems in the beginning.

Well, not we, but he. But he did, he did.

My family loves him, and, well, his mother adores me.

You know, it's really such a beautiful story.

I mean, some say it's pathetic,

but you know, I'm going with beautiful.

So what you're really saying is you feel terrible about this whole damn thing,

And if you could, you'd get down on your hands and knees and apologize.

-Ms. Fine... -Apology accepted.

Ma, pack my things. He wants me back.

Smile!

Oh, thank you, Ms. Fine.

-Thank you, Thank you. -Anytime, Mr. Sheffield.

Anytime.

I love you.

So, we agree then?

-Friends? -Friends.

Fran. I love you.

Your father has something he wants to share with you all.

I've told Ms. Fine I love her.

-What else is new? -Oh, whatever.

Oh, oh, yes, I didn't take it back.

Oh, congratulations!

Fran. [sighs]

Will you marry me?

What do you think?

[officer]Lady, it's a beautiful story.

My heart goes out to you,

but I got one tow truck and a wedding is not an emergency.

You're how old?

I'll send a chopper.

-Oh, thank you, sir. They're gonna come. -Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God, it's my son-in-law!

[Fran] Oh, God, don't look!

Don't look, honey, you can't see me!

What happened? I got a call from Val's mother.

They found the car. I passed it down the road.

You know there's a call box right next to--

You know what? Let's not revisit that.

Oh, honey, I'm so happy that you're here.

Oh, darling, are you all right?

No, wait, wait, wait! Stop! Stay where you are!

Remember, you can't see me for 24 hours before the ceremony.

Oh, Ma.

What's he wearing?

The cashmere. He looks gorgeous.

Oh, I love the cashmere.

Ma, you're not wearing a bra?

In case I die, I'm gonna go free and happy.

Oh, sweetie, go run over and pull the car here,

but whatever you do, don't look at me.

Darling, darling, it's a 2-hour drive.

How can I possibly not look at you?

Just keep your eyes fixated on me.

It'll be like a glimpse into the future.

Now, come here, sweetie, And give us a hug.

Mmm! You know, this edible underwear is not all that bad.

Ma, that's not the edible ones!

[theme music playing]

[theme music ends]