All language subtitles for The Nanny S04 E07

Maggie, what is that
you're wearing?

I can't let you leave the
house
in that short little top.

- Mr. Sheffield's not here.
- It's gorgeous.

Don't make a stain.
I want to borrow.

-Where is he?
-Oh, he's speaking
at Brighton's career day.

I suppose they'll ask me
to speak when they have

"Don't let this happen
to you," day.

Aw.

Hello, everyone.

- Oh, so how'd it go?
- Oh, it was smashing.

I reenacted
the history of musical
theater,

from its operatic beginnings

right through bring in da
noise,
bring in da punk.

Oh, that must have
brought down da house.

So did your old man deliver
or what, hey?

Oh, look, I've got
that CD you wanted.

There you go, Pearl Bailey.

Pearl Bailey, cool.

Hey, now I can
exchange it for Pearl Jam.

I don't understand him,
Miss Fine.

Brighton used to worship me.

When?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

the boy's
just going through a phase.

I remember myself
there was a time

when I didn't even want to
speak to my mother.

[PHONE RINGING]

Then eventually you outgrow it.

Ms. Fine, it's your mother
on the phone.

Tell her I'm not here.

Hello. Hello.

C.C., how did Jay Leno
like our opening number?

Loved it. We are this close

to booking it on
The Tonight Show.

We had an instant rapport.

He had his dog Harley with him
and I had this little fellow.

The hat?

Oh, my God.
Do you know what this means?

If this isn't my dog,

I could have left
this valuable hat in the
cab.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Was this supposed to be a tip?

Why did you come back?

Four martinis, and she'd be

walking that hat
all over New York.

Now here's the deal:
Leno's hotel doesn't accept
dogs

and he refuses to board.

I don't know why,
Chester loves the kennel.

When I come to take him home,

he just hangs onto
the little bars for dear
life.

C.C., you're not telling me

you've offered to take care
of Jay Leno's dog?

It's bad enough having your dog
here, always begging to go out,

jumping into my lap,

rubbing up against me
all the time.

Shh!

Does everybody need to know
our business?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪ She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ in one of those
crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge
from Flushing to the
Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style!
She had flair!
She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how
she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father
finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids
are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ when everybody else
is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, Ms. Fine, I do appreciate

you taking care of
Jay Leno's dog,

what with your busy schedule
and all.

You know, I don't appreciate
you taking a potshot at me.

I mean, I work very hard
around here.

- I was being serious.
- You're kidding?

- Daddy?
- Not now, honey, we're busy.

- But, Daddy--
- Sweetheart, we're working.

- They're working, Mr. Leno.
- Oh, no. Oh, not Jay.

Oh, so sorry.

- Jay, please, do come in.
- Hi, how are you?

I had no idea
you were already here.

Oh, that's okay.

Where's Niles?

He taped letterman last night--

No, yeah, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Oh, Mr. Jay Leno, I'm Fran Fine.

Nice to see you.

Well, I can't tell you

how many times
I've gone to bed with you.

You know,
I used to get around a lot.

And you don't remember
a lot of people...

- No, not to bed like that.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Although I must admit,

I have fallen asleep
before you were done.

As long as you don't fake
a laugh. That's really....

The guys hate that.

[FAKE LAUGHTER]

- Jay.
- Yeah?

- Please, why don't you
sit down?
- Thank you.

I can't tell you how thrilled
I am to have you here.

You I'm still not sure about.

Hey, listen, thanks
for taking care of my dog.

Oh, no problem. You know,
my mom had one just like that.

Lived in the wall.

Mr. Leno, would you mind

autographing your book for me?

I can't tell you
how classy it is

that you don't go hawking it
like other celebrities.

Oh, yeah. I hate that.

Meanwhile, have you read
this one? It is a riot.

Plus it just came out
on audiocassette.

I can't believe
they put this voice on audio.

You know,
some people find it soothing.

Look, it's just like
Lady and the Tramp.

Only Tramp had the taste

not to lick himself
in front of Lady.

He reminds me of my dog, Al.

I couldn't stand to have him
sleep on the bed

with his stupid pug face,

always drooling,

and the gas
that emanated from that
animal.

Yetta, that was grandpa.

- Oh, Ms. Fine,
here's your mail.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God, the IRS.
What do they want from me?

Oh, a tax audit.
Oh, why are they picking on me?

Could it be because you
declared
an adopted foreign child

named Haagen-Dazs?

Listen, I have spent
a lot of quality time

with that little bundle of joy.

Mama loves you, baby.

- So, what are you going to
do?
- I don't know.

I wonder if my accountant knows
about this.

Do you know about this?

So, Brighton,

you ready to teach me
how to roller blade?

Oh, you know that girl you like?

I thought we maybe
could cruise by her house.

Oh, great, and on the way
we can stop by the duck pond

so I can drown myself.

Alright, actually, Dad,
you know what, I'd love to,

but I already have some plans
with friends.

- Yeah.
- Who?

Ah...

Weren't you gonna
get burgers at Arnold's

- with Ralph and Potsey?
- Right, right.

Oh, well, maybe
I could join you at
Arnold's.

- Well, maybe some other time.
- Yeah. Sorry.

- Who's Potsey?
- Oh, shut up.

Ingrate.
I hated to do that to him.

What's the big deal?

He just wants to spend
a little time with his son.

Fran, we have nothing in common.
We're not even
from the same country.

[HARRY NILSSON'S
"BEST FRIEND" PLAYING]

♪♪ People, let me tell you
'bout my best friend ♪♪

♪♪ He's a
warm-hearted person ♪♪

♪♪ Who'll love me
till the end... ♪♪

Stay back, stay back. I'm
done.
I'm totally done.

♪♪ One boy cuddly toy ♪♪

♪♪ My up, my down,
my pride and joy ♪♪

♪♪ People,
let me tell you... ♪♪

[MAN SINGING OPERA]

[HARRY NILSSON'S
"BEST FRIEND" PLAYING]
♪♪ Best friend ♪♪

♪♪ Da-da-da-da-da da-da
da-da-da-da-da da-da ♪♪

♪♪ Da-da-da-da-da da-da ♪♪

♪♪ Rubbie de boopie,
boop, boop, bang ♪♪

♪♪ Rubbie de boopie,
boop, bang, bang ♪♪

♪♪ Rubbie de boopie,
boop, bang, bang... ♪♪

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

What is this unnatural
obsession
Maxwell has with his children?

I can count the number of days
I spent with my father
on one hand.

Seven?

- You know, that's funny.
- Oh, thank you very much.

No. I mean the fact
that I'm really rich

and you're cleaning toilets
in a suit, tie,

and rubber gloves.

Well, you got me that time.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Yes?
- Hi.

I'm here to audit Ms. Fran Fine.

Ms. Fine, the IRS man is here.

Is that today?

- Hi, I'm Fran.
- Hi. Josh Bassin.

- How you been?
- Oh.

You bought that dress
for the audit, didn't you?

- Well...
-I hope you don't try
to write it off.

I'd like to introduce to you
one of my dependents.

All right. I admit it.

I helped her with her taxes,
but you know what?

I had a solar calculator
and we did them in the shade.

Relax, kid. It would take

a flagrant violation
of the tax code.

For me to actually
put someone in jail.

- What's your name?
- Potsey?

I don't know why people get
so nervous when I audit them.

I just did Pearl Jam
last week.

Oh, my God.
You know Pearl Jam?

Potsey,
you're blocking the view.

All right, so, you actually
went to Eddie Vedder's house?

Well, by the time
I'm finished with him,

it'll be
Uncle Sam's house but...

[FRAN LAUGHS]

Good looking
and a sense of humor.

I'll tell you if I wasn't
married with six kids...

If you'll just excuse me,

I have to go
feed my chinchillas.

What chinchillas?

The ones we breed
at a considerable loss.

Schedule C, Item 15.

Brighton, I'm just off
to a final call-back

to my play about Gertrude Stein.

It's between Maureen Stapleton
and Sada Thompson.

It's gonna be a hot one.
Care to come along?

Well, first of all, Dad, who?

This guy knows Pearl Jam.

Ms. Fine, are you sure
this thing with my son

is just a phase?

I mean, he prefers
to spend more time

with the tax man than with me.

Oh, well, first of all
you're trying too hard.

I mean, nothing makes a person
look more desperate

than trying so hard
to win somebody over.

Hungry, Josh?

Now, listen, next time you go
through the living room, limp.

You're my husband
and you got a disability.

[♪♪♪]

What is this?

An annoying yapping dog...

holding a Chihuahua.

Oh, there's the doggy.

Nanny Fine, this mutt
is your responsibility.

Well, I just put it down
for a second,

and it was only 'cause Grace was
gonna scald herself in the tub.

Oh, blah blah blah.

It's not like those children
you take care of,

this is a valuable animal.

Meanwhile, I was looking
all over for you.

Now, you're gonna go
and play with Chester.

Boy, what amishpocheh

Good thing
she's got a rich father.

Oh, Ms. Fine, here's another
letter from your friend
at the IRS.

Oh, wow,this must be a thank
you for that gorgeous,
midnight blue

double-breasted Armani blazer
I gave him.

Oh, well, like you were
ever gonna fit in that
again.

Well, he liked the blazer
but he wants something else.

- What?
- An arm and a leg.

This is a $5,000 tax bill.

Fran, I think you
better come see

what Chester and Jay Leno's dog
are doing in the dining room.

Sweetie, just pick it up.
How big can it be?

No, remember
what we saw two lions doing

on the Discovery channel?

I don't suppose
they're eating a zebra.

Chester, how'd you get
your little shirt off?

You are going right upstairs,
Mister and taking a cold
shower.

And you, miss,
you only know him a week.

What's your secret?

Oh, Niles, what am I gonna do?
I don't have $5,000.

The government is gonna do to me
what Chester
just did to Harley.

- Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
it's terrible.
- Oh, what happened?

Mr. Mooney fired
from the bank again?

[LAUGHS] Good looking and funny.

- How much do you owe?
- Five thousand dollars.

Oh, calm down, Ms. Fine.
We'll just file an appeal.

What kind of records
have you kept?

Oh, I don't know.

A couple of Bee Gees,

Captain and Tennille,
The White Album.

No. Tax records, Ms. Fine.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

SYLVIA:Don't take the box.

Don't take the box!

Schmuck!

Ma, when are you gonna stop
torturing yourself by
watching

that old tape of you and daddy
onLet's Make a Deal?

You traded Paris
for the ostrich.

It's never gonna change.

Meanwhile,
it's the best stew we ever
had.

TV:Now, Sylvia and Mort Fine,

let me tell you something
you've won the trip to
Paris:

it's the greatest thing
that has happened on this
show.

You can keep the trip to Paris

or you can trade

for what's in that big box
on the floor.

- Box!
- Box!

We'll take the box.

I can't watch this.

I am sick to my stomach.

Now, it's a good thing that
I
have a very organized
filing system.

'95. '94. '93?

Oh, look at this,
there's an old Rolo in here.

Look, it's all white.
It's still good.

These receipts are a disaster.

I mean,
how can this be possible?

You have 18 certified
public accountants

on your father's side alone.

Well, we have 17 urologists,

but daddy still has
three of something

that he's only supposed
to have two of.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Now, listen, if we're found
guilty is there any chance

I could do community service
at a home for wayward girls?

Don't talk to him.

He comes into my home,
drinks my champagne,

that expressly says
"send to Lauren Bacall"
and...

Oh, well,
what are you looking at,
mister?

You think that's supposed
to scare me?

I'm going to the big house.

I was just doing my job.

Shame on you for using
your sex appeal

to get out of paying your
back taxes.

I most certainly did not.

And shame on you
for acting like it was
working.

It was.

When you get out of prison,
would you like to have dinner?

No. Where?

Ms. Fine,
don't waste your time with
him.

He has nothing to do with it.

It's gonna be all up
to the Appeals Officer.

I would like to start off by
saying that I have never seen

such a total disregard
for the tax laws.

Excuse me, sir,
but is this gonna take long?

I have to get back
to the theater.

- Who are you?
- Maxwell Sheffield, I'm....

The Broadway producer.

[MAXWELL LAUGHS]

♪♪ A kiss on the hand
may be quite continental ♪♪

♪♪ But diamonds
are a girl's best friend
♪♪

I always wanted
to be in show business.

Would you like to see
another one?

Oh, did I mention
that I'm the Appeals Officer?

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Yeah.
- Okay.

If you insist.

[ALL LAUGH]

George Burns.

Oh. Great.

You know, I got into heaven
and I saw God.

And He wasn't feeling well.

He sneezed.
I didn't know what to say.

[ALL CHEER AND LAUGH]

That's good.

All right.
Let's get down to business.

Now, I have reviewed the case

and I agree with my colleague,
Mr. Bassin,

that you look
very fetching in that
skirt.

Oh, thanks. You can go.
You can go.

However, that does not
have an impact

on my decision about your taxes.

Where you running?
Where are you running?

Where do you think you're going?

Fran, this is inside of me.

Gee, I see here $86

for apricot facial scrub.

Yes.

Well, you see,
as a professional care-giver,

Ms. Fine needs to glow
and be dewy.

Why don't you
just slap the cuffs on me now?

Relax. I've still got
something
up my sleeve.

Unless it's five grand tied
to your forearm,

I ain't interested.

Max, you made me schlep all the
way down here to pick up my dog.

Then your driver says,
"The dog's already at my
house."

Look, I'm not one for star
treatment. Do you know who I am?

Jay Leno! Jay.

Hey, I watchThe Tonight Show
all the time.

- Great.
- Oh, watch, watch, watch.

Ah. It was so cold
in Los Angeles this morning.

- And how cold was it?
- How cold was it?

An exhibitionist came up to me
on Wilshire Boulevard

and described himself to me.

MAXWELL AND FRAN:
[FAKE LAUGHTER]

Don't quit the day job,
all right?

Ever been audited?

You know, I heard something
in your voice.
You are very good.

You know, we haven't
had an impressionist on the
show
in a long time.

-Really?
-Yeah, why don't we have
a cup of coffee?

- Let's talk about it
a little more.
- Oh, okay. Great.

Um. Case dismissed.

This is outrageous.
You should have gone to jail.

Using show business connections
to make fools of the government.

I hope you're proud
of yourself, Sheffield.

Yeah, thank you.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I
am.

Go, Dad.
Bad boy of Broadway. Okay.

So, you like your old man now,
huh.

Listen, what do you say
we take in a movie?

Oh, gee, Dad, I'd love to

but I'm going to the movies
with Julie from my class.

Oh, well, I can join you.

- See you guys later.
- Bye, sweetie.

Thank you, Miss Fine.
Well, you know,

I cleared the whole afternoon
for this and it's still early.

So I thought maybe you and I

could do something
really sinful.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
You are clairvoyant.

What do you say about a pizza
with everything on it?

That's uncanny.

Ms. Fine, what do you know

about Jay Leno's dog
getting pregnant?

That depends.
Are you happy about it or
angry?

He canceled my cast's appearance
on his show.

Then I don't know anything
about it.

Ms. Fine, that dog
was in your care.

How could you let this happen?

Well, I tried to pull them
apart
as fast as I can,

but I guess I came too late
and Chester too early.

Ms. Fine.

Well, this may come as a shock
to you, Mister, but sometimes,

there is just no controlling
animalistic passion.

Yes. Well, that's the
difference
between us and animals.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah. Stop that!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]