Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,183 --> 00:00:06,133
Maggie, what is that
you're wearing?
2
00:00:06,166 --> 00:00:09,326
I can't let you leave the
house
in that short little top.
3
00:00:09,366 --> 00:00:13,146
- Mr. Sheffield's not here.
- It's gorgeous.
4
00:00:14,250 --> 00:00:16,330
Don't make a stain.
I want to borrow.
5
00:00:18,830 --> 00:00:21,160
-Where is he?
-Oh, he's speaking
at Brighton's career day.
6
00:00:21,500 --> 00:00:23,830
I suppose they'll ask me
to speak when they have
7
00:00:23,116 --> 00:00:24,416
"Don't let this happen
to you," day.
8
00:00:24,450 --> 00:00:26,200
Aw.
9
00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:28,380
Hello, everyone.
10
00:00:28,416 --> 00:00:31,466
- Oh, so how'd it go?
- Oh, it was smashing.
11
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:34,200
I reenacted
the history of musical
theater,
12
00:00:34,233 --> 00:00:35,423
from its operatic beginnings
13
00:00:35,450 --> 00:00:38,370
right through bring in da
noise,
bring in da punk.
14
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:41,350
Oh, that must have
brought down da house.
15
00:00:41,383 --> 00:00:45,153
So did your old man deliver
or what, hey?
16
00:00:45,183 --> 00:00:47,103
Oh, look, I've got
that CD you wanted.
17
00:00:47,133 --> 00:00:49,133
There you go, Pearl Bailey.
18
00:00:49,166 --> 00:00:51,826
Pearl Bailey, cool.
19
00:00:51,116 --> 00:00:54,296
Hey, now I can
exchange it for Pearl Jam.
20
00:00:56,416 --> 00:00:58,146
I don't understand him,
Miss Fine.
21
00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,483
Brighton used to worship me.
22
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:01,200
When?
23
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:04,130
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
24
00:01:04,166 --> 00:01:06,376
the boy's
just going through a phase.
25
00:01:06,416 --> 00:01:08,276
I remember myself
there was a time
26
00:01:08,316 --> 00:01:10,346
when I didn't even want to
speak to my mother.
27
00:01:10,383 --> 00:01:12,133
[PHONE RINGING]
28
00:01:12,166 --> 00:01:14,196
Then eventually you outgrow it.
29
00:01:14,233 --> 00:01:16,203
Ms. Fine, it's your mother
on the phone.
30
00:01:16,233 --> 00:01:17,483
Tell her I'm not here.
31
00:01:19,233 --> 00:01:21,103
Hello. Hello.
32
00:01:21,133 --> 00:01:24,833
C.C., how did Jay Leno
like our opening number?
33
00:01:24,116 --> 00:01:26,656
Loved it. We are this close
34
00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:27,330
to booking it on
The Tonight Show.
35
00:01:27,366 --> 00:01:30,656
We had an instant rapport.
36
00:01:30,100 --> 00:01:33,370
He had his dog Harley with him
and I had this little fellow.
37
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,370
The hat?
38
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:39,130
Oh, my God.
Do you know what this means?
39
00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:41,426
If this isn't my dog,
40
00:01:41,466 --> 00:01:45,426
I could have left
this valuable hat in the
cab.
41
00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:48,220
[DOORBELL RINGS]
42
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:54,320
Was this supposed to be a tip?
43
00:01:55,350 --> 00:01:57,660
Why did you come back?
44
00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:58,380
Four martinis, and she'd be
45
00:01:58,416 --> 00:02:01,326
walking that hat
all over New York.
46
00:02:03,216 --> 00:02:06,196
Now here's the deal:
Leno's hotel doesn't accept
dogs
47
00:02:06,233 --> 00:02:07,383
and he refuses to board.
48
00:02:07,416 --> 00:02:10,246
I don't know why,
Chester loves the kennel.
49
00:02:10,283 --> 00:02:11,423
When I come to take him home,
50
00:02:11,450 --> 00:02:14,270
he just hangs onto
the little bars for dear
life.
51
00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:17,830
C.C., you're not telling me
52
00:02:17,116 --> 00:02:19,996
you've offered to take care
of Jay Leno's dog?
53
00:02:20,330 --> 00:02:23,200
It's bad enough having your dog
here, always begging to go out,
54
00:02:23,233 --> 00:02:25,833
jumping into my lap,
55
00:02:25,116 --> 00:02:27,226
rubbing up against me
all the time.
56
00:02:27,266 --> 00:02:29,116
Shh!
57
00:02:30,166 --> 00:02:32,426
Does everybody need to know
our business?
58
00:02:35,466 --> 00:02:37,446
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
59
00:02:37,483 --> 00:02:40,353
♪♪ She was workingin a bridal shopin Flushing, Queens ♪♪
60
00:02:40,383 --> 00:02:42,833
♪♪ 'Til her boyfriendkicked her out ♪♪
61
00:02:42,116 --> 00:02:43,326
♪♪ in one of thosecrushing scenes ♪♪
62
00:02:43,366 --> 00:02:45,366
♪♪ What was she to do?Where was she to go? ♪♪
63
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,350
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
64
00:02:48,383 --> 00:02:51,253
♪♪ So over the bridgefrom Flushing to theSheffield's door ♪♪
65
00:02:51,283 --> 00:02:53,483
♪♪ She was thereto sell makeup,but the father saw more ♪♪
66
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,130
♪♪ She had style!She had flair!She was there! ♪♪
67
00:02:56,166 --> 00:02:59,476
♪♪ That's howshe became the nanny! ♪♪
68
00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,430
♪♪ Who would have guessed thatthe girl we've described ♪♪
69
00:03:02,466 --> 00:03:05,096
♪♪ was just exactly whatthe doctor prescribed? ♪♪
70
00:03:05,133 --> 00:03:06,383
♪♪ Now the fatherfinds her beguiling ♪♪
71
00:03:06,416 --> 00:03:08,116
♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
72
00:03:08,150 --> 00:03:09,220
♪♪ And the kidsare actually smiling ♪♪
73
00:03:09,250 --> 00:03:10,430
♪♪ Such joie de vivre! ♪♪
74
00:03:10,466 --> 00:03:12,126
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
75
00:03:12,166 --> 00:03:16,196
♪♪ when everybody elseis wearing tan ♪♪
76
00:03:16,233 --> 00:03:18,303
♪♪ The flashy girlfrom Flushing ♪♪
77
00:03:18,333 --> 00:03:20,103
♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪
78
00:03:22,830 --> 00:03:24,430
[MUSIC PLAYING]
79
00:03:24,466 --> 00:03:27,656
Oh, Ms. Fine, I do appreciate
80
00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:29,130
you taking care of
Jay Leno's dog,
81
00:03:29,166 --> 00:03:31,346
what with your busy schedule
and all.
82
00:03:31,383 --> 00:03:34,433
You know, I don't appreciate
you taking a potshot at me.
83
00:03:34,466 --> 00:03:36,266
I mean, I work very hard
around here.
84
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:39,270
- I was being serious.
- You're kidding?
85
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,270
- Daddy?
- Not now, honey, we're busy.
86
00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:48,000
- But, Daddy--
- Sweetheart, we're working.
87
00:03:48,330 --> 00:03:51,380
- They're working, Mr. Leno.
- Oh, no. Oh, not Jay.
88
00:03:51,416 --> 00:03:53,326
Oh, so sorry.
89
00:03:53,660 --> 00:03:56,830
- Jay, please, do come in.
- Hi, how are you?
90
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,000
I had no idea
you were already here.
91
00:04:04,330 --> 00:04:05,130
Oh, that's okay.
92
00:04:05,166 --> 00:04:06,146
Where's Niles?
93
00:04:06,183 --> 00:04:08,163
He taped letterman last night--
94
00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:10,370
No, yeah, thank you.
Thank you very much.
95
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:15,150
Oh, Mr. Jay Leno, I'm Fran Fine.
96
00:04:15,183 --> 00:04:16,153
Nice to see you.
97
00:04:16,183 --> 00:04:18,833
Well, I can't tell you
98
00:04:18,116 --> 00:04:21,216
how many times
I've gone to bed with you.
99
00:04:21,250 --> 00:04:23,430
You know,
I used to get around a lot.
100
00:04:23,466 --> 00:04:25,466
And you don't remember
a lot of people...
101
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:29,230
- No, not to bed like that.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
102
00:04:29,266 --> 00:04:31,326
Although I must admit,
103
00:04:31,660 --> 00:04:34,330
I have fallen asleep
before you were done.
104
00:04:34,366 --> 00:04:38,326
As long as you don't fake
a laugh. That's really....
105
00:04:38,660 --> 00:04:39,250
The guys hate that.
106
00:04:39,283 --> 00:04:41,323
[FAKE LAUGHTER]
107
00:04:41,350 --> 00:04:42,430
- Jay.
- Yeah?
108
00:04:42,466 --> 00:04:44,826
- Please, why don't you
sit down?
- Thank you.
109
00:04:44,116 --> 00:04:46,296
I can't tell you how thrilled
I am to have you here.
110
00:04:46,333 --> 00:04:48,133
You I'm still not sure about.
111
00:04:48,166 --> 00:04:51,826
Hey, listen, thanks
for taking care of my dog.
112
00:04:51,116 --> 00:04:54,396
Oh, no problem. You know,
my mom had one just like that.
113
00:04:54,433 --> 00:04:56,123
Lived in the wall.
114
00:04:57,830 --> 00:04:58,330
Mr. Leno, would you mind
115
00:04:58,366 --> 00:05:00,276
autographing your book for me?
116
00:05:00,316 --> 00:05:02,276
I can't tell you
how classy it is
117
00:05:02,316 --> 00:05:05,296
that you don't go hawking it
like other celebrities.
118
00:05:05,333 --> 00:05:07,103
Oh, yeah. I hate that.
119
00:05:08,333 --> 00:05:13,333
Meanwhile, have you read
this one? It is a riot.
120
00:05:13,660 --> 00:05:15,400
Plus it just came out
on audiocassette.
121
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,170
I can't believe
they put this voice on audio.
122
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:23,250
You know,
some people find it soothing.
123
00:05:28,300 --> 00:05:31,480
Look, it's just like
Lady and the Tramp.
124
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:33,660
Only Tramp had the taste
125
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:36,500
not to lick himself
in front of Lady.
126
00:05:36,830 --> 00:05:39,660
He reminds me of my dog, Al.
127
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:42,660
I couldn't stand to have him
sleep on the bed
128
00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:45,330
with his stupid pug face,
129
00:05:45,660 --> 00:05:47,320
always drooling,
130
00:05:47,350 --> 00:05:51,450
and the gas
that emanated from that
animal.
131
00:05:53,330 --> 00:05:55,470
Yetta, that was grandpa.
132
00:05:59,333 --> 00:06:03,133
- Oh, Ms. Fine,
here's your mail.
- Oh, thank you.
133
00:06:03,166 --> 00:06:07,226
Oh, my God, the IRS.
What do they want from me?
134
00:06:07,266 --> 00:06:12,316
Oh, a tax audit.
Oh, why are they picking on me?
135
00:06:12,350 --> 00:06:15,830
Could it be because you
declared
an adopted foreign child
136
00:06:15,116 --> 00:06:16,476
named Haagen-Dazs?
137
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:23,230
Listen, I have spent
a lot of quality time
138
00:06:23,266 --> 00:06:25,826
with that little bundle of joy.
139
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,380
Mama loves you, baby.
140
00:06:30,660 --> 00:06:32,250
- So, what are you going to
do?
- I don't know.
141
00:06:32,283 --> 00:06:35,233
I wonder if my accountant knows
about this.
142
00:06:35,266 --> 00:06:37,326
Do you know about this?
143
00:06:38,250 --> 00:06:39,330
So, Brighton,
144
00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:42,166
you ready to teach me
how to roller blade?
145
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,170
Oh, you know that girl you like?
146
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:47,200
I thought we maybe
could cruise by her house.
147
00:06:47,233 --> 00:06:50,333
Oh, great, and on the way
we can stop by the duck pond
148
00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:51,370
so I can drown myself.
149
00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:54,350
Alright, actually, Dad,
you know what, I'd love to,
150
00:06:54,383 --> 00:06:56,183
but I already have some plans
with friends.
151
00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:58,316
- Yeah.
- Who?
152
00:06:58,350 --> 00:07:00,270
Ah...
153
00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:02,470
Weren't you gonna
get burgers at Arnold's
154
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:06,330
- with Ralph and Potsey?
- Right, right.
155
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:09,130
Oh, well, maybe
I could join you at
Arnold's.
156
00:07:12,150 --> 00:07:17,430
- Well, maybe some other time.
- Yeah. Sorry.
157
00:07:17,466 --> 00:07:21,196
- Who's Potsey?
- Oh, shut up.
158
00:07:22,416 --> 00:07:26,116
Ingrate.
I hated to do that to him.
159
00:07:26,150 --> 00:07:27,380
What's the big deal?
160
00:07:27,416 --> 00:07:29,996
He just wants to spend
a little time with his son.
161
00:07:30,330 --> 00:07:33,220
Fran, we have nothing in common.
We're not even
from the same country.
162
00:07:34,233 --> 00:07:36,663
[HARRY NILSSON'S
"BEST FRIEND" PLAYING]
163
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:39,470
♪♪ People, let me tell you'bout my best friend ♪♪
164
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,400
♪♪ He's awarm-hearted person ♪♪
165
00:07:41,433 --> 00:07:44,273
♪♪ Who'll love metill the end... ♪♪
166
00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:48,420
Stay back, stay back. I'm
done.
I'm totally done.
167
00:07:48,450 --> 00:07:50,180
♪♪ One boy cuddly toy ♪♪
168
00:07:50,216 --> 00:07:52,276
♪♪ My up, my down,my pride and joy ♪♪
169
00:07:52,316 --> 00:07:54,176
♪♪ People,let me tell you... ♪♪
170
00:07:54,216 --> 00:07:57,126
[MAN SINGING OPERA]
171
00:08:10,483 --> 00:08:13,333
[HARRY NILSSON'S
"BEST FRIEND" PLAYING]
♪♪ Best friend ♪♪
172
00:08:13,366 --> 00:08:17,446
♪♪ Da-da-da-da-da da-dada-da-da-da-da da-da ♪♪
173
00:08:17,483 --> 00:08:20,173
♪♪ Da-da-da-da-da da-da ♪♪
174
00:08:21,350 --> 00:08:25,430
♪♪ Rubbie de boopie,boop, boop, bang ♪♪
175
00:08:25,466 --> 00:08:29,996
♪♪ Rubbie de boopie,boop, bang, bang ♪♪
176
00:08:30,330 --> 00:08:34,150
♪♪ Rubbie de boopie,boop, bang, bang... ♪♪
177
00:08:35,350 --> 00:08:37,270
[MUSIC PLAYING]
178
00:08:39,116 --> 00:08:41,326
[TOILET FLUSHES]
179
00:08:43,233 --> 00:08:48,003
What is this unnatural
obsession
Maxwell has with his children?
180
00:08:48,330 --> 00:08:51,430
I can count the number of days
I spent with my father
on one hand.
181
00:08:51,466 --> 00:08:53,296
Seven?
182
00:08:56,283 --> 00:09:00,473
- You know, that's funny.
- Oh, thank you very much.
183
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,330
No. I mean the fact
that I'm really rich
184
00:09:03,660 --> 00:09:05,660
and you're cleaning toilets
in a suit, tie,
185
00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:06,430
and rubber gloves.
186
00:09:08,266 --> 00:09:10,246
Well, you got me that time.
187
00:09:17,330 --> 00:09:18,420
[DOORBELL RINGS]
188
00:09:20,450 --> 00:09:22,270
- Yes?
- Hi.
189
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,320
I'm here to audit Ms. Fran Fine.
190
00:09:24,350 --> 00:09:26,350
Ms. Fine, the IRS man is here.
191
00:09:26,383 --> 00:09:30,153
Is that today?
192
00:09:30,183 --> 00:09:33,373
- Hi, I'm Fran.
- Hi. Josh Bassin.
193
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,500
- How you been?
- Oh.
194
00:09:35,830 --> 00:09:37,370
You bought that dress
for the audit, didn't you?
195
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:41,150
- Well...
-I hope you don't try
to write it off.
196
00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:49,500
I'd like to introduce to you
one of my dependents.
197
00:09:49,830 --> 00:09:50,200
All right. I admit it.
198
00:09:50,233 --> 00:09:52,133
I helped her with her taxes,
but you know what?
199
00:09:52,166 --> 00:09:55,196
I had a solar calculator
and we did them in the shade.
200
00:09:56,183 --> 00:09:57,333
Relax, kid. It would take
201
00:09:57,366 --> 00:09:59,296
a flagrant violation
of the tax code.
202
00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:02,163
For me to actually
put someone in jail.
203
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,370
- What's your name?
- Potsey?
204
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:09,480
I don't know why people get
so nervous when I audit them.
205
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:11,270
I just did Pearl Jam
last week.
206
00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:13,270
Oh, my God.
You know Pearl Jam?
207
00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:16,370
Potsey,
you're blocking the view.
208
00:10:19,450 --> 00:10:22,660
All right, so, you actually
went to Eddie Vedder's house?
209
00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:23,380
Well, by the time
I'm finished with him,
210
00:10:23,416 --> 00:10:25,366
it'll be
Uncle Sam's house but...
211
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:27,370
[FRAN LAUGHS]
212
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,200
Good looking
and a sense of humor.
213
00:10:30,233 --> 00:10:33,403
I'll tell you if I wasn't
married with six kids...
214
00:10:38,166 --> 00:10:39,266
If you'll just excuse me,
215
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:42,000
I have to go
feed my chinchillas.
216
00:10:42,330 --> 00:10:43,170
What chinchillas?
217
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:47,660
The ones we breed
at a considerable loss.
218
00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:49,830
Schedule C, Item 15.
219
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:53,250
Brighton, I'm just off
to a final call-back
220
00:10:53,283 --> 00:10:55,123
to my play about Gertrude Stein.
221
00:10:55,150 --> 00:10:58,150
It's between Maureen Stapleton
and Sada Thompson.
222
00:10:58,183 --> 00:11:01,483
It's gonna be a hot one.
Care to come along?
223
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,220
Well, first of all, Dad, who?
224
00:11:06,830 --> 00:11:08,000
This guy knows Pearl Jam.
225
00:11:10,366 --> 00:11:12,996
Ms. Fine, are you sure
this thing with my son
226
00:11:13,330 --> 00:11:14,660
is just a phase?
227
00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:15,300
I mean, he prefers
to spend more time
228
00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,173
with the tax man than with me.
229
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:20,200
Oh, well, first of all
you're trying too hard.
230
00:11:20,233 --> 00:11:22,253
I mean, nothing makes a person
look more desperate
231
00:11:22,283 --> 00:11:25,283
than trying so hard
to win somebody over.
232
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,470
Hungry, Josh?
233
00:11:29,433 --> 00:11:32,483
Now, listen, next time you go
through the living room, limp.
234
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,130
You're my husband
and you got a disability.
235
00:11:39,250 --> 00:11:42,500
[♪♪♪]
236
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,180
What is this?
237
00:12:06,216 --> 00:12:09,826
An annoying yapping dog...
238
00:12:09,116 --> 00:12:10,426
holding a Chihuahua.
239
00:12:14,330 --> 00:12:16,250
Oh, there's the doggy.
240
00:12:16,283 --> 00:12:19,173
Nanny Fine, this mutt
is your responsibility.
241
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,500
Well, I just put it down
for a second,
242
00:12:21,830 --> 00:12:23,380
and it was only 'cause Grace was
gonna scald herself in the tub.
243
00:12:23,416 --> 00:12:25,226
Oh, blah blah blah.
244
00:12:25,266 --> 00:12:27,226
It's not like those children
you take care of,
245
00:12:27,266 --> 00:12:29,116
this is a valuable animal.
246
00:12:30,216 --> 00:12:32,326
Meanwhile, I was looking
all over for you.
247
00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:34,160
Now, you're gonna go
and play with Chester.
248
00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:36,280
Boy, what amishpocheh
249
00:12:36,316 --> 00:12:38,466
Good thing
she's got a rich father.
250
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,500
Oh, Ms. Fine, here's another
letter from your friend
at the IRS.
251
00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:45,220
Oh, wow,this must be a thank
you for that gorgeous,
midnight blue
252
00:12:45,250 --> 00:12:48,230
double-breasted Armani blazer
I gave him.
253
00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:53,100
Oh, well, like you were
ever gonna fit in that
again.
254
00:12:54,383 --> 00:12:58,103
Well, he liked the blazer
but he wants something else.
255
00:12:58,133 --> 00:13:00,323
- What?
- An arm and a leg.
256
00:13:00,350 --> 00:13:04,280
This is a $5,000 tax bill.
257
00:13:04,316 --> 00:13:06,496
Fran, I think you
better come see
258
00:13:06,830 --> 00:13:09,660
what Chester and Jay Leno's dog
are doing in the dining room.
259
00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:11,480
Sweetie, just pick it up.
How big can it be?
260
00:13:12,483 --> 00:13:15,233
No, remember
what we saw two lions doing
261
00:13:15,266 --> 00:13:16,446
on the Discovery channel?
262
00:13:21,216 --> 00:13:23,476
I don't suppose
they're eating a zebra.
263
00:13:27,266 --> 00:13:30,246
Chester, how'd you get
your little shirt off?
264
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,400
You are going right upstairs,
Mister and taking a cold
shower.
265
00:13:37,433 --> 00:13:41,173
And you, miss,
you only know him a week.
266
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,000
What's your secret?
267
00:13:44,116 --> 00:13:48,466
Oh, Niles, what am I gonna do?
I don't have $5,000.
268
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,470
The government is gonna do to me
what Chester
just did to Harley.
269
00:13:55,330 --> 00:13:58,220
- Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
it's terrible.
- Oh, what happened?
270
00:13:58,250 --> 00:14:00,320
Mr. Mooney fired
from the bank again?
271
00:14:00,350 --> 00:14:04,330
[LAUGHS] Good looking and funny.
272
00:14:04,660 --> 00:14:07,130
- How much do you owe?
- Five thousand dollars.
273
00:14:07,166 --> 00:14:10,396
Oh, calm down, Ms. Fine.
We'll just file an appeal.
274
00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:13,153
What kind of records
have you kept?
275
00:14:13,183 --> 00:14:14,253
Oh, I don't know.
276
00:14:14,283 --> 00:14:16,103
A couple of Bee Gees,
277
00:14:16,133 --> 00:14:18,383
Captain and Tennille,
The White Album.
278
00:14:18,416 --> 00:14:21,146
No. Tax records, Ms. Fine.
279
00:14:21,183 --> 00:14:23,103
[MUSIC PLAYING]
280
00:14:23,133 --> 00:14:24,473
SYLVIA:Don't take the box.
281
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,660
Don't take the box!
282
00:14:30,116 --> 00:14:31,166
Schmuck!
283
00:14:33,150 --> 00:14:36,170
Ma, when are you gonna stop
torturing yourself by
watching
284
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,470
that old tape of you and daddy
onLet's Make a Deal?
285
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,160
You traded Paris
for the ostrich.
286
00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:43,320
It's never gonna change.
287
00:14:46,116 --> 00:14:49,996
Meanwhile,
it's the best stew we ever
had.
288
00:14:50,330 --> 00:14:51,300
TV:Now, Sylvia and Mort Fine,
289
00:14:51,333 --> 00:14:53,123
let me tell you somethingyou've won the trip toParis:
290
00:14:53,150 --> 00:14:55,330
it's the greatest thingthat has happened on thisshow.
291
00:14:55,660 --> 00:14:56,430
You can keep the trip to Paris
292
00:14:56,466 --> 00:14:58,266
or you can trade
293
00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:00,330
for what's in that big boxon the floor.
294
00:15:00,366 --> 00:15:03,346
- Box!- Box!
295
00:15:06,366 --> 00:15:08,316
We'll take the box.
296
00:15:10,166 --> 00:15:12,656
I can't watch this.
297
00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:14,230
I am sick to my stomach.
298
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:21,426
Now, it's a good thing that
I
have a very organized
filing system.
299
00:15:23,366 --> 00:15:30,156
'95. '94. '93?
300
00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:34,000
Oh, look at this,
there's an old Rolo in here.
301
00:15:34,330 --> 00:15:38,660
Look, it's all white.
It's still good.
302
00:15:41,166 --> 00:15:43,296
These receipts are a disaster.
303
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:45,173
I mean,
how can this be possible?
304
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,180
You have 18 certified
public accountants
305
00:15:48,216 --> 00:15:49,476
on your father's side alone.
306
00:15:51,330 --> 00:15:52,400
Well, we have 17 urologists,
307
00:15:52,433 --> 00:15:54,433
but daddy still has
three of something
308
00:15:54,466 --> 00:15:56,396
that he's only supposed
to have two of.
309
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:03,383
[MUSIC PLAYING]
310
00:16:05,416 --> 00:16:08,346
Now, listen, if we're found
guilty is there any chance
311
00:16:08,383 --> 00:16:12,663
I could do community service
at a home for wayward girls?
312
00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:14,280
Don't talk to him.
313
00:16:14,316 --> 00:16:17,346
He comes into my home,
drinks my champagne,
314
00:16:17,383 --> 00:16:21,233
that expressly says
"send to Lauren Bacall"
and...
315
00:16:21,266 --> 00:16:24,266
Oh, well,
what are you looking at,
mister?
316
00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:26,180
You think that's supposed
to scare me?
317
00:16:26,216 --> 00:16:29,326
I'm going to the big house.
318
00:16:29,660 --> 00:16:30,330
I was just doing my job.
319
00:16:30,366 --> 00:16:32,416
Shame on you for using
your sex appeal
320
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,280
to get out of paying your
back taxes.
321
00:16:34,316 --> 00:16:37,096
I most certainly did not.
322
00:16:37,133 --> 00:16:39,663
And shame on you
for acting like it was
working.
323
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:40,330
It was.
324
00:16:40,366 --> 00:16:44,156
When you get out of prison,
would you like to have dinner?
325
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:47,130
No. Where?
326
00:16:47,166 --> 00:16:49,346
Ms. Fine,
don't waste your time with
him.
327
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,253
He has nothing to do with it.
328
00:16:51,283 --> 00:16:54,333
It's gonna be all up
to the Appeals Officer.
329
00:17:00,450 --> 00:17:03,480
I would like to start off by
saying that I have never seen
330
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:07,450
such a total disregard
for the tax laws.
331
00:17:07,483 --> 00:17:11,173
Excuse me, sir,
but is this gonna take long?
332
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,200
I have to get back
to the theater.
333
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:16,353
- Who are you?
- Maxwell Sheffield, I'm....
334
00:17:16,383 --> 00:17:18,133
The Broadway producer.
335
00:17:18,166 --> 00:17:19,996
[MAXWELL LAUGHS]
336
00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:26,250
♪♪ A kiss on the handmay be quite continental ♪♪
337
00:17:26,283 --> 00:17:32,433
♪♪ But diamondsare a girl's best friend♪♪
338
00:17:32,466 --> 00:17:34,476
I always wanted
to be in show business.
339
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:38,830
Would you like to see
another one?
340
00:17:38,116 --> 00:17:41,226
Oh, did I mention
that I'm the Appeals Officer?
341
00:17:41,266 --> 00:17:43,246
- Oh!
- Oh!
342
00:17:45,166 --> 00:17:46,176
- Yeah.
- Okay.
343
00:17:46,216 --> 00:17:47,196
If you insist.
344
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:48,403
[ALL LAUGH]
345
00:17:48,433 --> 00:17:50,503
George Burns.
346
00:17:50,830 --> 00:17:52,250
Oh. Great.
347
00:17:53,383 --> 00:17:59,203
You know, I got into heaven
and I saw God.
348
00:17:59,233 --> 00:18:01,253
And He wasn't feeling well.
349
00:18:01,283 --> 00:18:05,663
He sneezed.
I didn't know what to say.
350
00:18:05,483 --> 00:18:08,503
[ALL CHEER AND LAUGH]
351
00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:09,250
That's good.
352
00:18:09,283 --> 00:18:11,283
All right.
Let's get down to business.
353
00:18:11,316 --> 00:18:13,376
Now, I have reviewed the case
354
00:18:13,416 --> 00:18:17,156
and I agree with my colleague,
Mr. Bassin,
355
00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:21,160
that you look
very fetching in that
skirt.
356
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,370
Oh, thanks. You can go.
You can go.
357
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,130
However, that does not
have an impact
358
00:18:28,166 --> 00:18:29,366
on my decision about your taxes.
359
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,280
Where you running?
Where are you running?
360
00:18:35,350 --> 00:18:36,450
Where do you think you're going?
361
00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:39,273
Fran, this is inside of me.
362
00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:45,000
Gee, I see here $86
363
00:18:45,330 --> 00:18:48,000
for apricot facial scrub.
364
00:18:49,150 --> 00:18:50,280
Yes.
365
00:18:50,316 --> 00:18:54,116
Well, you see,
as a professional care-giver,
366
00:18:54,150 --> 00:18:58,400
Ms. Fine needs to glow
and be dewy.
367
00:19:00,233 --> 00:19:03,303
Why don't you
just slap the cuffs on me now?
368
00:19:03,333 --> 00:19:06,003
Relax. I've still got
something
up my sleeve.
369
00:19:06,330 --> 00:19:08,100
Unless it's five grand tied
to your forearm,
370
00:19:08,133 --> 00:19:09,453
I ain't interested.
371
00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:14,376
Max, you made me schlep all the
way down here to pick up my dog.
372
00:19:14,416 --> 00:19:17,196
Then your driver says,
"The dog's already at my
house."
373
00:19:17,233 --> 00:19:20,203
Look, I'm not one for star
treatment. Do you know who I am?
374
00:19:20,233 --> 00:19:23,223
Jay Leno! Jay.
375
00:19:23,250 --> 00:19:26,280
Hey, I watchThe Tonight Show
all the time.
376
00:19:26,316 --> 00:19:29,426
- Great.
- Oh, watch, watch, watch.
377
00:19:31,283 --> 00:19:37,103
Ah. It was so cold
in Los Angeles this morning.
378
00:19:37,133 --> 00:19:41,123
- And how cold was it?
- How cold was it?
379
00:19:41,150 --> 00:19:45,100
An exhibitionist came up to me
on Wilshire Boulevard
380
00:19:45,133 --> 00:19:46,383
and described himself to me.
381
00:19:46,416 --> 00:19:50,216
MAXWELL AND FRAN:
[FAKE LAUGHTER]
382
00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:52,370
Don't quit the day job,
all right?
383
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,380
Ever been audited?
384
00:19:54,416 --> 00:19:57,826
You know, I heard something
in your voice.
You are very good.
385
00:19:57,116 --> 00:20:00,266
You know, we haven't
had an impressionist on the
show
in a long time.
386
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,660
-Really?
-Yeah, why don't we have
a cup of coffee?
387
00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:05,350
- Let's talk about it
a little more.
- Oh, okay. Great.
388
00:20:05,383 --> 00:20:08,333
Um. Case dismissed.
389
00:20:11,383 --> 00:20:15,383
This is outrageous.
You should have gone to jail.
390
00:20:15,416 --> 00:20:19,096
Using show business connections
to make fools of the government.
391
00:20:19,133 --> 00:20:20,283
I hope you're proud
of yourself, Sheffield.
392
00:20:20,316 --> 00:20:23,376
Yeah, thank you.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I
am.
393
00:20:23,416 --> 00:20:27,346
Go, Dad.
Bad boy of Broadway. Okay.
394
00:20:27,383 --> 00:20:29,403
So, you like your old man now,
huh.
395
00:20:29,433 --> 00:20:33,183
Listen, what do you say
we take in a movie?
396
00:20:33,216 --> 00:20:34,396
Oh, gee, Dad, I'd love to
397
00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:36,403
but I'm going to the movies
with Julie from my class.
398
00:20:36,433 --> 00:20:39,423
Oh, well, I can join you.
399
00:20:42,330 --> 00:20:44,330
- See you guys later.
- Bye, sweetie.
400
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:45,380
Thank you, Miss Fine.
Well, you know,
401
00:20:45,416 --> 00:20:49,126
I cleared the whole afternoon
for this and it's still early.
402
00:20:49,166 --> 00:20:51,366
So I thought maybe you and I
403
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,470
could do something
really sinful.
404
00:20:55,000 --> 00:21:00,830
Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
You are clairvoyant.
405
00:21:00,116 --> 00:21:03,326
What do you say about a pizza
with everything on it?
406
00:21:04,316 --> 00:21:05,446
That's uncanny.
407
00:21:12,183 --> 00:21:13,403
Ms. Fine, what do you know
408
00:21:13,433 --> 00:21:16,833
about Jay Leno's dog
getting pregnant?
409
00:21:19,383 --> 00:21:23,123
That depends.
Are you happy about it or
angry?
410
00:21:23,150 --> 00:21:27,150
He canceled my cast's appearance
on his show.
411
00:21:27,183 --> 00:21:28,433
Then I don't know anything
about it.
412
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:31,350
Ms. Fine, that dog
was in your care.
413
00:21:31,383 --> 00:21:33,123
How could you let this happen?
414
00:21:33,150 --> 00:21:35,250
Well, I tried to pull them
apart
as fast as I can,
415
00:21:35,283 --> 00:21:38,333
but I guess I came too late
and Chester too early.
416
00:21:40,330 --> 00:21:41,270
Ms. Fine.
417
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:44,830
Well, this may come as a shock
to you, Mister, but sometimes,
418
00:21:44,116 --> 00:21:46,426
there is just no controlling
animalistic passion.
419
00:21:46,466 --> 00:21:50,096
Yes. Well, that's the
difference
between us and animals.
420
00:21:50,133 --> 00:21:51,423
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
421
00:21:51,450 --> 00:21:55,200
- Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah. Stop that!
422
00:21:55,233 --> 00:21:59,203
[MUSIC PLAYING]
423
00:22:05,166 --> 00:22:09,196
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
31377
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.