All language subtitles for S01E02 - I Told You So

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

That's disgusting.

- Want some?
- Hit me.

See?

Constantly learning
something new.

Today's lesson:
Always get dressed for work

after you give the baby a bath.

Say good morning to Tucker

and your Uncle Danny.

Hi, baby.

Okay, so I think
we're officially

out of everything with
the word "baby" in it.

Where's the list?

What list?

The one we should have started

before we ran out
of everything.

Why can't you just ask your mom

- to go pick up some stuff?
- Oh, no no no no no.

There will be no asking
the mom anything.

She already thinks
I'm making a huge mistake,

that I'm too irresponsible.

So I'd like to
get a handle on this

before she hits me with a giant

"I told you so."

Then get ready to be smacked,

because I'm pretty sure
she's on her way over.

What? Here, now?
Why do you think that?

Because when I told her
you decided to keep Emma,

all I heard was
"Oh, dear lord,"

the phone hit the floor

and tires squealing,

so I kind of put
two and two together.

Okay. Uh,
we gotta clean up.

No, change the baby.

No, I just did that.
A schedule.

She's crazy
about having a plan.

Okay, I've got a day shift,

so I can be
home by 6:00.

Sorry, but I'm heading
down to the rink.

And it's emasculation
Saturday with Vanessa.

I think we're sham shopping.

Guys, come on.

I really want to
prove mom wrong.

I want to show her
I can be a good dad.

Where's Emma?

♪ It's amazing
how the unexpected ♪

♪ can take your life
and change direction. ♪

- Emma? Emma?
- Baby baby baby.

- Where's the baby? Where's the baby?
- Emma?

Emma? Found her!

Under the table. Wait,

here is my retainer.

I have been looking
everywhere for this.

Okay.

Be careful.
Grab this end.

All right?
On three.

One, two, three.

It's okay.

Knock knock, child services.

Yeah, you really should
get used to hearing that.

Just playing a little hide and seek.

Oh, there you are, Emma.

You're such a good hider.

Honey, she's not hiding,

she's trying to escape.

But don't you worry,
little Emma.

Your fairy grandmother
is here to save you.

Emma doesn't need to be saved.

I've got this under control.

Once again, it's going
to be up to me

to bail you out.

At least this time,

I don't have to fly to Mexico.

That was a good trip.

You know I hate to say

"I told you so," but--

Mom, there is gonna be
no "I told you so" this time.

You know, unless it's me
saying it to you.

So you're telling me
you've worked out a plan

- to take care of this baby.
- Yeah.

I was just working it out
with the guys.

- Oh.
- Just give me a second.

Please help me.

Fine. I've got her
this morning.

And I am taking her out
this afternoon.

And I've got her tonight,
which is what we like to call

a plan!

Yeah, hold up there,
chip and Dale.

Just so you know, if anything

happens to my granddaughter,

you're both dead men.

Which is what I like
to call a threat.

All right, Emma.

I think we've got everything.

Do I really need to take
all the baby stuff?

Dude, you're gonna be gone

for four or five hours.

Just take a diaper
and a bottle.

Hey, man, what's going on?

This plan is not working.

I'm out of food,
her diaper's history,

and the new one's
gonna blow any minute.

And apparently
there's some new rule

about bringing babies
into the locker room.

Hey, buddy, why don't you put
a towel on or something?

I got a baby over here.

Rude! You gotta
get over here, now.

I-- I can't right now.

Okay, hang on one second.

What? Okay.
I'm on my way. Okay?

Why is it always up to Tucker

to save the day?

- Hey, Tuck, what's going on?
- I cannot do this, okay?

I've got a lap full of pee,
and it isn't even mine.

Hey! I could really
use a diaper out here

and I know
one of y'all is holding.

$20 for a diaper, miss.
Please? Baby or senior,

at this point, it really don't matter.
Where you going?

I'm sorry. I came as soon
as I got your message.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, she's fine.

Though I should remind you,
complete stranger,

that we're not
a daycare center.

I'm five minutes
away from getting fired

if anyone finds out
she's really my baby.

I've been telling my boss
the mom's outside smoking

for the last hour.

Double Margarita, rocks.

So, apparently, I'm a bad mom

with a drinking problem.

What the hell.

I know, I know.
I'm sorry.

I just have to get this right.

Don't worry, Emma.
Daddy will figure this out.

And he'll be right back. Can
you watch Emma for a sec?

Wow. Wouldn't
have pegged her

for a parenting expert.

Please?
Her name's Chloe.

She comes in every
Saturday for crab cakes.

And if you've ever had ours,

you'd know that's not why she's
really here.

Oh, crapballs.

- Hey, Benji.
- Hey.

Has anyone seen Emma?

Oh, there she is.

Oh, wow, you're right.
She really is a good hider.

Mom.

I guess I missed out
on the part of the plan

where she hangs out
with the bar snacks.

Oh, no, there's a baby
in my beer nuts.

Something came up, okay?

But like any good plan,
I had a plan B,

also known as Riley.

Words every girl
just lives to hear.

So as you can see, we've got
this all under control.

- Did you want something?
- Yeah, I actually wanted to talk about

that sweet little
angel's future.

I was thinking about
redoing my will--

you know, setting up
a college savings account.

You know, you really
can't be too proactive.

Actually I've been taking
this estate planning class--

Oh my God.

I just had an amazing idea.

That Riley should help you
with your estate planning,

thus saving you money and giving
her some real world experience?

That is an amazing idea.

Why don't you two discuss
that while I go on break?

I actually was gonna say, "Why
don't we order some fried things?"

But I like his idea better.

- Gonna finish that?
- Yeah.

Okay.

All right, she's out.

There's nothing cuter

than a sleeping baby.

Yeah, it's when they're awake

you gotta watch your back.

Yeah, they suck you in
with their cuteness

and then once
they got you-- bam!

--Fluids are flying everywhere.

Oh. I'm so glad
you're all here.

Uh, this is perfect.

So a little change of plans.

I know it was my turn
with Emma tonight,

but crab cake Chloe
just invited me over

to get to know
each other a little better,

if you know what I mean.

Well, you're
on your own tonight.

- Tough break, dad.
- I hope she likes kids.

So obviously
you don't know what I mean.

Wait, where are you going?

Did you all miss the part

where she said she wants
to get to know me better?

No. But you obviously
missed the part

where we don't care.

And also the part

where I had to
throw out my pants.

Please, guys?

I'll be quick.
Well, not that quick.

Well, if someone hadn't
already committed me

to a fun-filled evening

of helping his mother
with her will...

Sorry about that.

So probably not a good time
to ask for another favor.

But if you could try
to wedge in a word or two

about how great
I'm doing with Emma,

you know, how responsible I am?

So you want me to lie?

Look, you're right.

I said I'll figure
this out and I will.

- I promise.
- Good man.

But you two, not so fast.

You just said you were
gonna figure it out.

And that's what I'm doing.

Come on, guys.
I've been working on Chloe

for, like, five weeks.

Okay, look,
you can probably tell

from the extra hair product

and the fact that
the big guy showered,

that we have plans.

Sorry, little bro.

Work this one out on your own.

I can't believe you're
gonna make me do it.

I'm invoking the bro code.

Are you serious?

June 21st, 2010,

who covered for you when
Vanessa caught you flirting

with that unnaturally
enhanced waitress, huh?

Senior year,
who told Jessica Feltshank

that you were sick in bed when,
in fact, you were having

carnal knowledge of her sister
in our tree house?

Answer to both?
I did.

Fine. Just go.

Yes! Don't wait up.

And remember, she needs
a second bottle around 10:00.

I hate that code.

I loved that tree house.

Oh, do you just believe that after all
these years we would be here together?

Yep. Life is...
♪ funny. ♪

So if you have all the info,

- we should be able--
- Oh, here.

I like to stay organized, so I keep
all my important papers together.

Oh, honestly, Riley,

where did I go wrong?

Wow, so many ways
to go with that.

I meant with Ben.

Well, I think
he turned out all right.

In fact,

he's one of the most
responsible young men

- I've ever met.
- Oh.

I'm sorry, I didn't know we were
drinking before this meeting.

Well, he is sitting
at home on a Saturday night

taking care of his daughter.

That sounds awfully
responsible to me.

Hi.

For you, and I'm
pretty sure it's good

because it's from a place I can't
pronounce and it has a cork.

Nice. I'll get
some glasses.

- All right.
- Make yourself comfortable.

Wow, your place is really...

Efficient.

So is there a separate...

Sleeping area?

The futon flips out into a bed.

I hope you didn't think
I was too forward

by asking you to come over.

Forward is
my favorite direction.

So many guys
get the wrong idea.

They just automatically
assume you want to hook up.

It's so nice
to finally meet a guy

who's not like that.

See, the trouble with Ben is,

he's exactly like his father,

Danny Sr.

Now there was a man

who was clinically allergic
to responsibility.

I liked Mr. Wheeler.

God, he always put on the best

4th of July fireworks displays.

He has no eyebrows, and only
four fingers on his right hand.

I was lucky he could sign

the divorce papers.

But with a father like that,

it meant that I had to be
the responsible parent.

The role model.

Who's Larry Hoffman?

What? Why? No,
I've never heard of--

No no no, give me that.

Give it, give it, give it!

That's funny
that you don't know him,

because it says here
that you two were married

in Vegas when you were 18.

I really am sorry
about your futon.

I certainly don't want
you to get the impression

- that I'm one of those guys.
- My only impression so far

is that you're a horrible liar.

Which, if you think about it

- is a good thing.
- Huh?

I mean, who'd want
to go out with a good liar?

Not me.

Definitely something
for the plus column.

Well, if there's
anything I can do

- to help that total--
- There might be

one or two things.

That's not your baby, is it?

What? Oh God, no.
Could you imagine?

Shoot me.

It's my sister's.

- Why?
- Oh, no reason.

She's cute.

Good night, Emma.

Hey, Tuck, I was thinking.

There's really no reason
we both need to stay in tonight,

so I'm out of here.

So I divorced Larry,

I rushed home
and I married Danny Sr,

which is what I should have
done in the first place.

So, oddly,
if this hadn't happened,

your two greatest accomplishments
never would have been created.

How did you know
about my tattoos?

I'm talking
about Danny and Ben.

Your sons never
would have been born.

That's a really good point,

but maybe next time
you could try it

without the sledgehammer.

Even I can tell

that you're being especially
hard on Ben lately.

I mean, I know he'd hate me

for telling you this,

but he could really
use your help.

Well, I am trying to.

- He won't let me.
- Maybe because it's not worth

the "I told you so"
that always comes with it.

Well, I'm a mother.
It's a package deal.

Well, you didn't
get to be a mom

without making a few
mistakes, Mrs. Hoffman.

So, maybe if you could admit

that you weren't
always so perfect

Ben could admit
that he needs help.

You're just not gonna
let it go, are you?

Not until you go talk to him.

He needs you.

Thanks, Riley.

You know, you've
turned out to be

a pretty smart young lady.

I think you might
just make a go of this.

- Being a lawyer?
- No, keeping the weight off.

You barely touched
the cheese board.

Ben honey, we need to talk.

Ben?

Oh hey, princess.

Oh, you're taking a nap.

Hey, big guy,
there's really no reason

we both need to
stay in tonight, right?

So, um, see you!

Hello?

Is anyone here?

Ben?

Danny?
The other one?

Oh, this is gonna be the mother

of all "I told you so"s.

Is everything okay?

I can't stop
thinking about Emma.

Of course.

Married, gay,
commitment issues--

it's always something.

No no, it's not that.

Emma's my daughter.
I have a daughter.

She was that little girl
at the bar today.

Look, I know
I should have told you.

I guess I was just afraid
that I wouldn't be here

doing this with you
now if I had.

Hey, it's okay.

It's actually another thing

for the plus column.

- Really?
- Really.

Do you want to see her picture?

Sure.

I think she rolled over for
the first time this morning.

You know, maybe I'll call

and check in
and then I'll be fine.

Danny, where are you?

Hey, man. I just met a
couple of my new teammates

- out for a drink.
- Where's Emma?

Oh, she's totally conked out.
Tucker has it covered.

I thought you were--

Never mind.
Two seconds.

Hey, Tuck,
I was just--

- Are you bowling?

Where's Emma?!

Oh. I gotta go.

Emma, it's okay, daddy's here.

Oh my God, Emma, where are you?

Oh my God. No no no.
This can't be happening.

- Oh my God.
- Looking for someone?

Emma.
Thank God you're okay.

I am so so sorry.

I thought I might
never see you again.

I never want you out
of my sight, ever. Okay?

I'm the worst father
in the world.

Riley, can you take Emma?

Come here, baby.

I'm ready.
Let me have it.

But just know that
nothing you can say to me

can be any worse than what I'm
already saying to myself.

Actually, Ben.

All I wanted to say

is that I'm proud of you.

Did you miss the part
where my baby got left alone?

I once left Danny at a
Wal-Mart when he was two.

- What happened?
- He was never seen again.

My point--
I made mistakes.

But that feeling?

That gut-wrenching,

heart-stopping,

if-anything-
happens-to-my-child-

I-think-I-will-die feeling--

what you just had-- that?

That is what let's you know
that you're a parent.

And, honey, I guarantee
that you will do anything

to make sure that
you never feel that again.

So congratulations,

now you're a dad.

And I think you're
gonna be a pretty great one.

But I don't know
what I'm doing.

I know I said I got this,

but I just so don't got this.

- Emma!
- Well, if it isn't--

me standing here,
talking to myself.

Is she all right?

She's got three boys
fawning over her.

Works for most girls.

Emma, I am so sorry.

This will never happen again.

Guys, it's all right.

We all make mistakes.

But I think we could
definitely use some help.

I need you, mom.

Wait for it.

I told you so.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Baby's at the ready...

Oh, yeah.

In three, two,

one, roll!

Come on, Emma, come here!

- Roll!
- Come on, Emma. Roll to daddy.

- Roll roll roll.
- This way, lead with your head.

Oh!

Are you kidding? Emma.

Oh.

- Double or nothing?
- You're on.

Gentlemen, place your bets.

It's time for baby roll.