All language subtitles for The.Simpsons.S10E05.1080p.WEB.H264-BATV_track3_[eng]

(theme music playing)

CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪

(bell ringing)

(whistle blows)

(beeping)

(playing the blues)

(tires screeching)

(honking horn)

(tires screeching)

D-oh! (screams)

(tires screeching)

(hums)

Hey, Bart-Bart, looks like a beautiful day

to swipe some picnic baskets.

But Homie, Ranger Ned's
not going to like that.

I'll handle Ranger Ned.

After all, I'm smarter
than the average bear.

Well, hello there, how-diddily 'Omi.

Well, I'm afraid
I'm going to have to ask you

to hand over that--

-(yelling)
-(screaming)

Gee, Homie, it's not very nice
to maul Ranger Ned.

-You want some of this?
-Uh-huh.

-(yelling)
-(screaming)

BOTH: Dad! Dad, wake up! Wake up!

Oh! I was having the most wonderful dream.

I had a hat and a tie with no pants on.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, you promised to

take us to the lake.

I promise you kids lots of things.

That's what makes me such a good father.

Actually keeping promises
would make you a good father.

Now that would make me a great father.

So are we going to the lake or what?

Yes, we'll go to the darned lake!

Now go back to bed. It's 4:00 a.m.

Ah, 4:00 a.m.
Now I'll never get back to...

(snoring)

♪ Magilla gorilla Gorilla for sale ♪

Hey, you shouldn't have oughta
taken my banana, Mr. Peebles.

(growling, yelling, hooting like monkey)

(tires screeching)

Well, it looks like the lake
is the place to be, huh?

Well, if we'd left at 4:00 a.m.,
like I wanted to.

Dad, you really should be
watching the road.

Hey, Homer, enough traffic for you?

Homer, your spine!

(dismissive snort)

Screw this. Hang on, everyone.

We're taking the old Simpson shortcut.

-(tires screeching)
-So long, suckers!

(screaming)

(chuckling) Eat my dust, suckers!

MARGE: Stop calling everyone suckers.

(Homer hums)

Hmm.

Ah, pesticides.

Carbomate, if I'm not mistaken.

Yep, carbomate.

-MARGE: Tree!
-HOMER: Right here!

Hmm, this is such a secluded area.

I wonder who lives in that house?

HOMER: Well, way out
in the sticks like this,

it could only be hillbillies.

So I suppose that's a hillbilly Jacuzzi?

Yep. That's where
they cook up their vittles.

(grunts)

(chuckles)

Hey, here come the Simpsons.

Now, be careful, Homer.

There's a fella in the sand
right in front of you.

(yells)

OK, remember where we parked.

MAN: Homer? Is that my muffler?

There you go, and I assume you've read
the boat safety manual?

Oh, yeah, couldn't put it down.

Come on, boy. Let's get me a six-pack.

Uh, sir, you can't operate a boat
under the influence of alcohol.

Oh, that sounds like a wager to me.

-Life jackets?
-Check.

-Tow rope?
-Secure.

-Skier?
-Ready.

Here we go!

She's down.

Oh, look at it go.

Stay there, honey!

We'll come back for you!

(screams)

(gasps)

-How's he doing?
-I don't know.

I think Dad might be
a little heavy for parasailing.

Faster, Marge. Faster!

The snapping turtles are massing!

-Heads up. Coming through.
-(kid crying)

Look out! Hey, volleyball.
Can I play later?

-Hi, Apu.
-Oh, dear!

You've ruined my work, you flying fat man!

-Oh!
-Ooh! Ooh!

-Hey!
-(sputtering)

-Hey!
-(relieved sigh)

Step on it, Mom! Dad's signaling
that he wants to go higher!

HOMER: Higher.

(spits) Bye-bye, fishes.

Higher! Higher!

I'm soaring. Soaring majestically

like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft.

Higher, Marge! Higher!

-It won't go any!
-Higher, I say!

I want to soar higher
than any man has ever soared!

I want to look down
on the clouds with contempt!

I want to sneer at God's creation

and spit on it! Uh-oh.

(whimpering) Lower! Lower!

There goes my turn.

(blubbering)

Oh, this is not good. (whimpering)

Oh, nuts.

(yells)

-(crash, thud)
-(grunts)

-(alarm sounds)
-Huh, what?

Oh, already?

-KIM: Uh, what the hell?
-Sorry, lady.

(gasps) I know you.
You're Kim "Bassinger."

It's "Ba-singer."

Oh, my God! I'm such a huge, huge fan

of yours, Miss "Bassinger."

Thanks. Um, listen,
you think you could slide over a little?

Well, I am a married man.

You're crushing my husband.

(groans)

(gasps) Billy Baldwin!

I'm Alec Baldwin. Could you get off me?

So what are you two kids doing
in my neck of the woods?

-Well...
-Wait!

Tell me over breakfast.
Who's for pancakes?

Are you sure you don't want
to go the hospital, Mr. Simpson?

You had an awful lot of glass in you.

Oh, I don't want to be a bother.

Anyway, what are you two
big Hollywood stars

doing in good old Springfield?

Oh, sometimes, we need
to get away from Hollywood.

LA is just so phony.

Well, why didn't you just
move to, say... Bethesda?

Not phony enough.

What we really like here
is the privacy.

Most people don't even know
where Springfield is.

Yeah. To tell you the truth,
I'm not even sure.

We're trying to keep a low profile.

We don't even go to the supermarket.

Yeah, we've been living off
congratulatory muffin baskets.

Blech! Zucchini.

Don't just put that back in the basket.

I'm going to eat it later.

You shouldn't have to survive
on dry, crumbly muffins from...

the Gersh Agency.

You should let me do your shopping.

I know where I can get you
some great muffins.

No more muffins.

OK, fine, but I could do
all kinds of stuff for you.

I noticed that skylight
in your bedroom's broken.

Yeah, I'm not sure we need
an assistant, Mr. Simpson.

Please, Homer.

Come on. If you let me hang around awhile,
I can do all kinds of stuff for you.

Well, we are down to our
last roll of toilet paper.

And I have been brushing my teeth
with hair gel for a week.

I suppose we could give it a try.

Yeah. You owe me that much.

OK, you're on, but look,
nobody knows we're in Springfield,

and we want to keep it that way.

Will you promise to keep our secret?

Absolutely, if you promise to keep mine.

OK, what is it?

I can't read.

But you just read that card
from the Gersh Agency.

I recognized the logo.

(whistles)

Homie, are you OK?

We've been looking all over for you, Dad.
Where did you land?

Nowhere famous.

-Where'd you get that muffin?
-Gersh Agency.

(tires screeching)

Apu, I'm about to purchase
some weird and fruity items,

and I don't want any guff.

First of all, I'll need
the following mushrooms--

-Portobello.
-Yes.

-Porcini.
-Right.

-Chanterelle.
-Uh-huh.

And shiitake.

OK, we have none of those.

What is next?

A gallon of wheat grass juice,
a five-pound wad of tofu,

some jellied zinc
and a couple of pairs

of $600 sunglasses.

Mr. Simpson, these exotic items
are suspiciously different

from your usual order of beer and pork.
What gives?

Uh, nothing, nothing.
I'm just broadening my horizons.

Eh, by the way, do you have
extra-wide bumper stickers for a Humvee?

Wow! You got everything, Homer,
even the Oscar polish!

Honey, why don't you
give that thing a rest?

You're taking the finish off.

When you win one, you can take care of it
however you want.

-Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Meow.
-(doorbell rings)

I'll get it! I'll get it!

Yes?

Hi, I'm Ron Howard.

Ron Howard!

Yeah, I'm looking for
Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.

Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger?

Oh, hey, Ron, we heard you were looking
for a place in Springfield.

Yeah, well, it's the only town in America
that will let me fish with dynamite.

Uh, what's with him?

Oh, that's just Homer.
He's a new friend of ours.

Really? You giant stars
consider me a friend?

Well, for the first time in my life
I feel like I'm somebody.

Ronny, are you also my close friend?

(sniffs) Do I smell vodka and wheat grass?

It's called a lawnmower.
I invented it. You want one?

-Yeah, OK.
-And I'll have a rum and zinc.

Ooh, I'll have one of those, too.

Hey, can I crash here tonight?

Sure. We'll all stay.

A cell phone?

Last Thursday's Variety ?

(whistles, gasps)

I'll do that. You go upstairs
and have a beer.

Homer, when did you become
a member of PETA?

Well, you know me, I love animals.

Beef, chicken, veal.

If you're not part of the solution, Marge,
you're part of the problem.

-But that's not what PETA stands--
-(phone ringing)

-Imagine Films.
-Huh?

Uh, division of, um, Homerco.

And lift and strain

-and hyper-extend.
-(groans)

Keep those knees rigid.
Jerk that lower back.

Homer, I'm feeling
some sharp pains in my neck.

That's right. Force it. Whip that neck!

Um, does anybody know
where this came from?

Oh, there's that movie script I wrote!
(chuckles)

Where did you find it?

On my pillow.

The important thing is

it's got the perfect part for you.
Either one of you.

It's about a killer
robot driving instructor

who travels back in time for some reason.

Ron Howard's attached to direct.

-I am not.
-Well, he expressed an interest.

-No, I didn't.
-Did, too.

-I did not!
-You lie!

Yeah, Homer, um, most movie scripts
are 120 pages.

This is only 17, and several of the pages

are just drawings of the time machine.

So you're saying you don't want to
star in my movie?

I'm sorry, Homer.

Well, if Alec is out, I'm out, too.

You're on your own, potsie.

The Terminizor: An Erotic Thriller.

(laughter)

So I'm in the grocery store the other day,
buying some cotton balls.

The absorbent kind?

(chuckles) You got that right, my friend.

(cheering)

So, I round the corner
and I head down the ointment aisle,

when who should I spot?

None other than Kent Brockman.

The local news guy? Mr. Channel Six?

-(all gasp)
-My God! What I'd give to meet him.

Ah, they don't come much bigger than that.

(blows raspberry)
Kent Brockman. Please!

Oh, what. I suppose
you've seen a bigger star?

I might have.

Come on, make with a name.

Oh, I can't. I promised I wouldn't.

Oh, yeah, right. You ain't seen nobody.

(laughter, chatter)

Please don't tell anyone we're here.

You've got to keep our secret, Homer.

Homer, we're out of vodka.

Tell the people, Homer.

They have a right to know about
the celebrity summer house.

-Who the hell are you?
-What do you care?

I'm telling you what you want to hear.

All right, I'm going to
let you guys in on something,

but you've got to keep it
much more secret than I did.

(grunts)

-(grunts)
-(grunts)

Yes! In your freckled face, Howard!

(mutters) Unbelievable.

-What?
-Nothing, nothing. Good hustle.

My God! The lemonade!

Look at the lemonade!

-(rumbling)
-Uh-oh.

(rumbling)

(clamoring)

Quick! Everybody inside.

The shuttlecock! Where's the shuttlecock?

(clamoring)

-(gasping)
-(door shuts)

(clamoring)

Yeah, I loved Splash , Mr. Howard.

It was totally, uh...

(grunts)

Uh, Miss Basinger,
those red pumps you wore

in LA Confidential were fabulous.

Where could I get a pair
for my, uh, mother?

-She wears a 12, double "E."
-Alec, Alec!

Regarding that so-called

silent propulsion system
in The Hunt For Red October,

I printed out a list of technical errors,
which I think you'd enjoy discussing.

Somebody must have told them we live here.

I'm looking at you, horshack.

Homer, how could you?

OK, OK, it was me.
I'm sorry, I blew your secret,

but you don't know
what it's like to be a nobody.

I just wanted to bask
in your reflected glory.

Reflected glory!

Homer, you betrayed our confidence.

I just don't think
we can be friends anymore.

But... Where will I bask?

Anywhere but here.

Come on, Ron, we're not wanted here.

All right, I'll go.

But the next time you want someone

to remind you which brother is which

or smell your hair

-while you're sleeping...
-(gasps)

...just remember, old Homer
won't be here anymore.

(people clamoring)

Wait a minute. Somebody's coming out.

Who is it? Is it anybody?

Nah, nah. It's nobody.

Throw your stones. It's nobody.

(clamoring)

Oh, how could Alec and Kim
just cut me out of their lives?

Homie, you haven't touched your food.

Oh, when Kim makes a manwich,
she uses focaccia bread.

And would it kill you
to put some fennel in it?

Alec Baldwin? Wow!

That is the coolest person
you've ever been fired by.

What was it like at their house?

Oh, it was so great.

I didn't have to fake it with them.

I was actually excited
to hear about their day.

I washed the dog today.

Was it the dog from the Beethoven movies?

Of course not.

Oh! Our dog isn't famous,

and you kids aren't exactly
John and Joan Cusack.

And you, you couldn't open a movie
if your life depended on it.

I'm about ready to ankle this family.

"Ankle"? "Focaccia"?
What are you talking about?

See? It's like we don't even
speak the same language anymore!

The only one who understands me
is that guy who married Martha Raye.

Don't blame us, Dad.

The celebrities are the ones
who canned you.

Hmm, she may not be famous,
but she's right.

Those big-shot stars
used me up and spit me out!

I did their laundry,
got their pictures developed,

took their garbage to the dump,

and I still got a car full of their crap.

Crap, eh?

Hey, is it too late
to see the movie stars?

Nah, nah, just hop that fence,

sneak up and, uh,
peek in the window there.

All right.

(grunts)

(laughs) I never get tired of that.

HOMER: Attention, star-struck fools!

Step right up and see the world's greatest
mobile collection

of Alec and Ron and Kim-orabilia.

(clamoring)

Only five... No, wait. Ten dollars.

You heard right, $20!

(clamoring)

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, it's Alec Baldwin's
MedicAlert bracelet!

That's right. Mr. Tough Guy can't handle
a little penicillin.

Oh, and look at this.

We can't even pay our bills

and they're drinking
(mocking) Royal Crown Cola.

Hey, hey, go easy on the celebrities, eh?

-Yeah, what gives you the right?
-Yeah.

We love celebrities.

Oh, yeah? What have they
ever done for you?

When was the last time Barbra Streisand
cleaned out your garage?

And when it's time to do the dishes,
where's Ray Bolger?

I'll tell you, Ray Bolger
is looking out for Ray Bolger!

KIM: Oh, look.

Wasn't that a fun weekend?

Yeah. Homer was a pretty good guy,

and we just tossed him out
like a Golden Globe award.

I've got to admit, I miss the way
he used to tuck us in

-and kiss us on the forehead.
-Forehead?

Ah, maybe I should have made his movie.

Yeah, it wasn't that bad.

I mean, the script might even work
if you got rid of the talking pie.

What, are you crazy? It's a buddy picture.

Without the pie,

it would just be me on screen
for two hours.

Oh, yeah, and you'd hate that.

No, no, no. You can't lose the pie.

The pie is your heart.

OK, OK. Keep the damn pie.

The point is, we weren't fair to Homer.

He screwed up,
but he deserves another chance.

Yeah, everyone makes mistakes.

I mean, we'd want another chance
if one of us ever made a bad film, right?

I'm really looking forward
to seeing Homer again.

He always has the most interesting odors.

Ooh, look at me!

I'm Kim Basinger, the big movie star.

I'm so beautiful. I think I'm so great.

I'm too important
to take Homer to the Oscars.

-What the--
-(grunts)

And to think we were supporting
the museum of Hollywood jerks.

(tires screeching)

Let's get him.

And this time, it's personal.

What? It is personal.

He's got our underpants!

(tires screeching)

(horn honking)

I'll never outrun them in a museum!

-Pull over, you maniac!
-No!

Just jump over there, Alec.
It's not that far.

Yeah, you're a big screen tough guy.

Gee, I'd love to,

but I'm not really wearing
the right shoes.

(imitating a chicken)

Fine.

-(grunts)
-(shrieks)

(laughs)

Hey, I made it all by myself.

Hey, were you watching,
sweetheart? I made it!

-(thud)
-(grunts)

(yells) My watch is caught!

Oh, for the love of...

Hold on. Can you drive?

Not well, but I'll give it a shot.

-(grunts)
-(rattling)

Oh, God!

(screaming)

(grunting)

I guess it's up to me.

(sighs)

(groaning)

BOTH: Ron!

You killed Ron Howard!

OK, I'll stop.

(gavel banging)

Mr. Simpson, do you have
anything to say for yourself?

Yes, I do.

I believe that famous people
have a debt to everyone.

If celebrities didn't want people
pawing through their garbage

and saying they're gay,

they shouldn't have tried
to express themselves creatively.

In closing,

you people must realize

that the public owns you for life.

And when you're dead,

you'll all be in commercials,

dancing with vacuum cleaners.

Thank you, your honor.

Mr. Simpson, you are forbidden
to come within 500 miles

of any celebrity, living or dead.

-(gavel banging)
-Whoo-hoo!

Well, I'll always have my crank calls.

(phone dialing)

Hello, old lady from Titanic ?

You stink! (laughing)

And it grows
to a powerful, emotional climax

when the father has to choose

which one of his children will live,

and which one... will die.

-Pass.
-(sobbing)

What else you got?

Uh...

Well, well, there is this one thing.

It's about a killer robot
driving instructor

that travels back in time for some reason.

I'm listening.

OK, OK, well, you see,

this robot, he's got a heartbreaking
decision to make

about whether his best friend lives...

or dies.

Eh.

His best friend's a talking pie.

Sold! Howard, you've done it again.

♪ These happy days Are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days Are yours and mine ♪

♪ Happy days ♪

(theme music playing)

Shh.

Homer, we're out of vodka.

Captioned by
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