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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,456
Now, the hare hops around the tree.
Now, the hare hops around the tree.
2
00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:06,256
And then she's startled!
She jumps into the hole.
3
00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:07,976
And then she jumps
into the hole.
4
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,416
Put smoke in hole,
wait with spear.
5
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:11,617
Put smoke in the... No. What?
6
00:00:11,641 --> 00:00:13,856
Sorry. No, that's not... No.
7
00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:16,496
Oh, I'm just going to do a school
knot. Not a proper knot, mate.
8
00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:17,656
Are you stressed?
9
00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:18,777
Don't be stressed.
10
00:00:18,801 --> 00:00:20,456
You can always go back
to the gooseberry farm.
11
00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:22,216
Well, you weren't
there when I left. Hm.
12
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:23,936
Just think of the gate house.
13
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:25,776
I'm very proud of you. Mm. OK?
14
00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:29,776
Aw! I remember my first day at
the bank. Terrible tummy ache.
15
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,016
Yes, my first day as CO,
16
00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:32,816
I must admit I had
some butterflies.
17
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,000
First time hunt mammoth,
me be bricking it.
18
00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,456
What about you, Julian? Me?
19
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:42,616
Well, can't say I've ever
suffered from first day nerves.
20
00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:45,096
It's a bit short. Oh. That's
how I used to do in school.
21
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:47,696
Ooh, yes. What about
school? What, Harrow?
22
00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:50,216
Nah! It was like a second home.
23
00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:52,056
Well, third home. We
had a second home.
24
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:54,576
Fourth if you count
the one in Provence.
25
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:57,336
University and so on?
Er, same boys, really.
26
00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,376
Surely the first day in
parliament must have been...
27
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,056
Again - same boys, really.
28
00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,536
So you're saying you've
never been in a situation
29
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:05,176
where you felt
out of your depth?
30
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:07,216
Nah. Not that I can recall.
31
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:08,456
Hm.
32
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,536
[WOMAN SOBBING,]
ECHOING: Oh, God, no!
33
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,496
[SIRENS WAIL] 999,
what's your emergency?
34
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:15,096
We think he's had a heart
attack. No, he isn't breathing.
35
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:16,736
Patient is unresponsive.
36
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:17,897
Clear!
37
00:01:17,921 --> 00:01:19,496
[DEFIBRILLATOR WHIRRING]
38
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:20,656
Terminating CPR.
39
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:21,880
Hello?
40
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:24,696
Lindsay?
41
00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:25,920
Lindsay!
42
00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:30,136
What the hell is going on?!
43
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:31,337
They can't hear you.
44
00:01:31,361 --> 00:01:33,776
Oh! What?
45
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:35,096
Uh!
46
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:36,936
Oh, no...
47
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,776
Oh...
48
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,136
Oh, dear.
49
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:41,696
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
50
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:42,960
New guy!
51
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,896
Alison, if I may, since
Michael is at work today,
52
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,016
I wondered if you might
like to accompany me
53
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:10,616
for a turn about the grounds?
54
00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:12,016
Actually, I can't because...
55
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,696
Alison is spending the
day with me today, Thomas.
56
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,696
Dancing. She promised.
I did, actually.
57
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,296
I said we could make
up a dance routine
58
00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,376
like I did with my
friends at school. Mad.
59
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,296
Well, I can help you
devise your piece,
60
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,976
provide an outside eye,
constructive criticism...
61
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:27,936
Thomas, I don't want you
to... It's no trouble at all.
62
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,056
No, I don't think...
Shush now. Nay, nay, nay.
63
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:32,480
Ugh! OK. OK.
64
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:36,176
Knock 'em dead.
Isn't he leaving?
65
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,016
No, he's working
from home, online.
66
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:41,056
Mm! Working from
home? Fascinating.
67
00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:42,896
You're going to be great. OK?
68
00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:45,216
Hello! I invented that look.
69
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:46,417
Come on, Alison!
70
00:02:46,441 --> 00:02:47,776
OK. Let's start straight away.
71
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,496
Alison! I was thinking that we
could grow from a seed... Alison!
72
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,896
Into a flower... Alison!
73
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,376
Ugh! There's womens on television
talking about all sorts,
74
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:57,896
giving their 'pinions freely.
75
00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:02,336
Loose Women, Mary. Awful
programme. Yes, yes! Loose Womens.
76
00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:04,616
Me like Christine Lampard.
77
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,256
Oh, I do fear for them,
Alison. [VEHICLE OUTSIDE.]
78
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:10,336
If the menfolk catch them so
wantonly expressing theirselves,
79
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,536
the loud one... Coleen Nolan.
80
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,056
Well, she will be
ducked for sure. Mm.
81
00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:16,976
[KNOCK AT DOOR] Ooh! It's
probably just a parcel.
82
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,416
I'll be one sec, OK?
83
00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:19,816
KITTY: Ugh!
84
00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:22,056
You want play chess?
85
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,280
Er...
86
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:25,480
Not today, Robin.
87
00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:29,160
Then I will play with myself.
88
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,400
Hi. Hello.
89
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,016
Can I help you...?
90
00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,536
Er, yeah.
91
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:42,816
Yeah?
92
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,256
Um, sorry, you're
Alison, aren't you? Yes.
93
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:49,016
OK, well, my name's
Lucy and, er...
94
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:52,776
Well, it's... probably
going to come as a shock.
95
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,160
Oh, God. Erm...
96
00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,880
I'm just going to say it. I
think I'm your half sister.
97
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:05,056
Hi, everyone. Hello. Hi.
98
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,256
Looking very smart,
Mike. Loving the tie.
99
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:11,016
I won't take too much of your
time before you get cracking.
100
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,256
All the stuff we went through
in the induction meeting
101
00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:14,496
there are no quotas.
102
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,376
We are not a factory,
you are not machines, OK?
103
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,016
Having said that, keep the
numbers up, stick to the script
104
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,176
and don't ask open
questions. Got it.
105
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,896
Your job is to sign them up,
not to hear their life stories.
106
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,616
Excellent briefing.
She's right, Michael.
107
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:29,376
Quick in and out, like
special forces. Carry on.
108
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:32,800
I'll sometimes listen in and you
can talk to me in the chat window.
109
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,696
But please keep it to business.
110
00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:38,936
Ah.
111
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,656
Is that a tongue sticking out?
112
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,680
No, no, no. Does anybody
have any last questions?
113
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,616
It was just a summer
thing, I guess.
114
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,256
I don't think it lasted long.
115
00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:51,016
I don't like her. Just a holiday
thing. Her eyes are too far apart.
116
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,336
And she smells and she hit me.
117
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:57,136
She can't! Well, she
wanted to. She's a baddie.
118
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:58,496
Then Mum found out
she was pregnant
119
00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:00,056
and she didn't have
an address for him,
120
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,576
so just got on
with it, I suppose.
121
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,176
Do you take sugar? One, please.
122
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,696
Same as me.
123
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:07,857
THOMAS: Gosh!
124
00:05:07,881 --> 00:05:09,376
So alike. Huh!
125
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,016
But, yeah, she tried the phone book
and stuff... You all right, Thomas?
126
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,176
If they'd had Facebook, it
would have been different. Huh?
127
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,256
Tea, one sugar. Well,
that's what she said,
128
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,616
but maybe she didn't want
to find him. Who knows?
129
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,296
It was only when I was 16
that my mum told me all this.
130
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:22,776
I mean, chinny reckon!
131
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,536
She sat me down and she said...
You know, I had this myself.
132
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:27,656
They show up out of the
blue with some story about
133
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,576
how you slept with their mother
at the party conference in '74
134
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,056
and how you should pay
off their student debt.
135
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,816
Did that really happen?
Well, yeah, once or twice.
136
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:38,976
And then I'm watching
a documentary on TV
137
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,176
and you come on and they show a
photo of you with your parents
138
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:43,976
and it's him. Oh! Gracious.
139
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,616
I... I just couldn't believe it.
140
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:49,216
All these years, all I've
ever had was his name...
141
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,096
I mean, where's the evidence?!
142
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:52,336
And this photo.
143
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:55,256
Oh, right. That's him, to
be fair. Yeah. Same bloke.
144
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,920
Is this when he was
living in Cornwall? Yeah.
145
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:02,336
Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I know
it must be a bit of a bombshell.
146
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,656
KITTY: We're meant to
be having fun today,
147
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,416
not listening to boring stories.
148
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,376
Ugh... No, erm...
Alison! No, no, it is.
149
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,536
Hurry it up!
150
00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:15,256
Um, I could do your dance
with you, Kitty, if you like.
151
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:18,656
It's meant to be with Alison. Just
until she's ready to take over.
152
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,136
Fine! But we still
need the music on.
153
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,856
She's got a point,
Alison. Erm...
154
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,296
Do you...? Do you
want to see my photos?
155
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:27,960
Oh, my God, I'd love to.
156
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:30,816
Follow me. Great.
157
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,480
Oh! Whoa! That was close.
158
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,856
HEATHER BUTTON: No,
the fundraiser's over.
159
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,216
He took his body
away in an ambulance.
160
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,136
Of course everyone's
gone home. Heather!
161
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,176
Heather! I just hope to God
the press don't get hold of it.
162
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:45,696
Something very strange
is happening to me.
163
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:46,857
Whoa!
164
00:06:46,881 --> 00:06:49,976
Oh, ha-ha-ha! Don't worry.
165
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,336
You gets used to it.
166
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:52,560
You don't!
167
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,000
[NEWS THEME]
168
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:06,736
Where be the women?
169
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,856
REPORTER: Several arrests have
been made in Watford today.
170
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,216
They have been cleared out.
The suspects have been remanded
171
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:15,016
in custody and will face trial next
month. If found guilty... Trial.
172
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:16,976
A tr... Oh, dear!
173
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,016
Oh, dear, oh, dear!
174
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:22,456
Both conmen in their late
30s. Oh, no, a trial! A trial!
175
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,176
[LINE RINGS]
176
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:25,337
Here we go.
177
00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:28,856
Remember your training. Stick
to the script. You'll be fine.
178
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:31,096
Hello. Hi there. My name's Mike.
179
00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,776
I'm calling on behalf of
Spirited Life Insurance. Good.
180
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,376
[LINE GOES DEAD] Hello?
181
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,416
What? Oh.
182
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:41,016
Better luck next time. Chin
up. Here we go. Stand by.
183
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:42,976
Hello? You're connected.
That's a go for Michael.
184
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,137
Hi there. My name's Mike.
185
00:07:44,161 --> 00:07:46,696
I'm calling on behalf of Spirited
Life Insurance. Very good.
186
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,376
Oh, I see. Hello.
187
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:49,816
Hi. How are you today?
188
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:50,936
Open question!
189
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,097
Oh, I'm fine.
190
00:07:52,121 --> 00:07:54,856
Bit of a bad back, but I
can't complain at my age.
191
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,616
Come on. Oh, that
doesn't sound very nice.
192
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,456
Oh, it's agony, Mike.
I've got painkillers,
193
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,656
but I don't like
to take them. No?
194
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,336
Just stick to the script, man!
195
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,656
Oh, give him a break.
It's his first day.
196
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,816
It's hardly breaking
the Enigma code, is it?
197
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:08,857
Like you could do better.
198
00:08:08,881 --> 00:08:11,256
Well, I really rather think
I could actually, Humphrey.
199
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,256
Yeah, I think I'd be
employee of the month.
200
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:14,576
Oh, all right, then. Prove it.
201
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,936
I'll be the customer.
What? No, come on. Go on.
202
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,936
Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
Oh, all right.
203
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,496
Hello, Mr Cheese speaking.
204
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:22,976
Right, right. Hello.
205
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,376
I... Mr Cheese? That's
a ridiculous name.
206
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,416
How dare you insult
my name? Who is this?
207
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,416
No, no, I wasn't doing
the thing just then.
208
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,616
Wasn't doing what thing?
Come on, I'm a very busy man.
209
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:32,777
I've got chickens to feed.
210
00:08:32,801 --> 00:08:34,256
[CLEARS THROAT] Hello. Yes?
211
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,296
I'm calling on behalf of
Spirited Life Insurance.
212
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:38,417
Hello. And I was...
213
00:08:38,441 --> 00:08:41,296
I was rather wondering whether...
Sorry, it's a very bad line.
214
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,417
I can hardly hear you.
215
00:08:42,441 --> 00:08:44,056
Hello? Hello?
216
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,456
Hello? Hello? Hello?
217
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,536
Hello. Hello? Hello?
218
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,696
Hello! Hello. Yes,
I'm calling... Hello?
219
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:51,897
This is Graham Cheese.
220
00:08:51,921 --> 00:08:53,816
I'm afraid I can't get to
the phone at the moment,
221
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,496
but if you leave a message, I'll
get back to you as soon as I can.
222
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,656
Hello? Beep!
223
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:01,776
Hello, yes, it's the Captain calling
from Spirited Life Insurance.
224
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,696
I was calling... Sorry.
225
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,976
KITTY: Come on. We
haven't got time for this.
226
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,416
The photos are just
in my bedside cabinet.
227
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,856
Oh, my goodness,
this place is huge!
228
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,896
Erm, I think I'm just going
to put some music on. OK.
229
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:16,976
Not that one. Not that one.
230
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,816
That one. OK.
231
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:20,736
MUSIC: Saturday
Night by Whigfield.
232
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,696
Haven't heard this in a while.
233
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,200
Anyway, it's this way.
234
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,896
THOMAS: It's strange. I really do
feel as though we've met before.
235
00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:31,296
Right, come on,
Pat! We're seeds.
236
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,296
OK. All right. Seeds, is it?
237
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,456
Grow... Grow...
238
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:36,936
And leaves...
239
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,976
[BEEPING] Hello?
240
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,200
OK.
241
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,176
Right!
242
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:47,336
Mr Cheese, to recap your
assets, you have your house,
243
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,376
the circus in Bavaria,
244
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,016
and you have 12 sons.
245
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:52,816
13. What?
246
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,376
She's just another
one. Little boy.
247
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,576
We're going to call him
Cheddar. No, I'm sorry.
248
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:57,737
This is all getting very silly.
249
00:09:57,761 --> 00:10:00,576
I'm not playing any more. Well,
don't be like... Big family.
250
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,616
May I ask what thought you've
given to their inheritance?
251
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:03,976
BOTH: Open question, Michael!
252
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,776
CALLER: It wouldn't be
straightforward for me.
253
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:08,336
You see, I have a rather
complicated family history.
254
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:09,656
Oh, this is going
to take a while.
255
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,536
I see. And have you
considered making a will?
256
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:12,976
I'd have to start
at the beginning.
257
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,376
Well, we at Spirited... I
was a foundling, you see?
258
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:19,096
Left in a telephone
box in Dublin.
259
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:20,336
Wow.
260
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:22,416
So it wasn't until years later
261
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,160
that I really knew anything
about my family. Blimey!
262
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:33,416
So what was he like?
263
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:34,976
Well, I wish I could tell you,
264
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:39,416
but he passed away when I was
five. Oh, of course. Sorry.
265
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,936
No, erm... Well,
my mum always said
266
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,856
that he was the
love of her life.
267
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:49,736
He was funny and kind.
268
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,696
He was a good cook.
269
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:54,656
And, erm... What else?
270
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,296
He...
271
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,800
Oh, he was a terrible dancer.
272
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,736
Are you OK?
273
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,576
Yeah, sorry, it's just...
274
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,160
It's just a lot to take in.
275
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:08,440
Yeah.
276
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:10,840
It is.
277
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:16,536
PAT, ECHONING: Steady, steady...
278
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,216
It is a lot to take in.
279
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,776
It certainly was for me.
280
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:21,696
There's no such thing as ghosts.
281
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:22,976
I'm having a bad dream.
282
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,336
Yeah. I'm having a bad dream.
283
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:27,936
I can assure you this
is only too real.
284
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,496
You never know. You might
be lucky and get sucked off.
285
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:31,577
Eh?
286
00:11:31,601 --> 00:11:33,416
I mean, you can't be real.
287
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:35,816
You're all stereotypical
ghosts, aren't you?
288
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,496
You've got the old grey lady.
289
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:40,976
Look at you and your joke
shop arrow. Bloody cheek!
290
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,256
Oh, and here comes
the headless one.
291
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:46,416
Yeah. Bravo! Very original.
292
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,256
Well, I'm sorry
I'm such a cliche.
293
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,256
Argh!
294
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:52,536
Wargh!
295
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:53,896
All right, that's it.
296
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,296
I've had enough of this.
297
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,016
I'm getting out of here.
298
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,240
Goodbye.
299
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:03,160
He could have walked through
those tables. Rookie error.
300
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,496
Wait for it.
301
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,376
And...
302
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,320
Ha-ha-ha-ha! We've all done it.
303
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,040
[ROBIN LAUGHING Classic!]
304
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,816
Three. Come on. Let's go.
305
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:25,897
Argh! Poor bugger.
306
00:12:25,921 --> 00:12:27,320
Four!
307
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,640
Ah!
308
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:33,696
Hurgh!
309
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:34,920
21.
310
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:39,560
Uh...
311
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:42,080
Argh!
312
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:44,560
42.
313
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:49,960
Oh, eugh
314
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,280
67 and a half.
315
00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,400
Gah!
316
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,616
Argh, why...?
317
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,040
Two fat ladies, 88.
318
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,120
No! Yes, it doesn't
make sense, does it?
319
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,376
See you later, losers!
320
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,936
Argh
321
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,840
100!
322
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:33,136
Oh, what is wrong with me?
323
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:36,360
Why does my heart
pound? Why do I ache so?
324
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:39,960
Mary, what is your opinion?
325
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,296
My... My 'pinion?
326
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:46,096
Yes. As a woman. A Loose Woman?
327
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,056
If you like.
328
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,736
So, what ails me?
329
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:54,376
Be there something
new on thy plate?
330
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,296
Go on.
331
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,656
When I was three and twenty,
my mother did grow fennel.
332
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,816
Oh, how I loved it so!
333
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:05,696
I ate noth but fennel for
weeks, sparing the onions.
334
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,896
But all the while, I did have
a terrible time on the stool,
335
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:10,376
but did not know why.
336
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,960
'Twas the fennel, of course.
337
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,736
Well, it isn't fennel.
338
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,216
I can't eat anything.
339
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:18,600
Unless
340
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,720
Lucy is my fennel.
341
00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:28,576
My God, you're right! I'm
hopelessly in love with fennel.
342
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,480
I must tell onions... Alison.
343
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:37,496
And we fly to the left
and we fly to the right
344
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,136
and rainbow and down.
345
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:45,336
Whoo! Right, I'm off to see what
Alison's up to with that girl.
346
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:47,536
Well, hang on, we've
only just started.
347
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,456
I could teach you a
few moves, if you like.
348
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,816
I was a regional dance
finalist, you know.
349
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:53,040
Erm...
350
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,776
Oh...
351
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,400
How about this,
eh? Mashed potato.
352
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,816
Easy. That's it.
353
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,896
Now we're cooking spuds, eh?
354
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,656
OK, let's try this one.
355
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:06,817
Oh!
356
00:15:06,841 --> 00:15:09,736
That's right, don't forget
to transfer your weight.
357
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,216
I've got loads of moves.
358
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:15,320
Dice it and dice it,
dice it, dice it...
359
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:19,857
Car wash.
360
00:15:19,881 --> 00:15:22,040
Right... Ooh! Oh!
361
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:24,856
How about this?
362
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:26,576
What can you see
through your fingers?
363
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:27,840
Nothing. Oh.
364
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:31,640
Pop and pop and pop.
365
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:34,656
Groovy!
366
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,800
Shimmer, shimmer.
367
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:40,816
Pinch and down.
368
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,136
No, you can breathe!
369
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,536
Breathe! [GASPING BREATH.]
370
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:44,936
That's it. And down.
371
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,176
You be careful what you
reveal to this young lady.
372
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,856
Don't let her be
seeing where you keep
373
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:50,136
your papers, passport and so on.
374
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,216
It's just down there
on the right. Thanks.
375
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:54,776
Before you know it, she'll
be travelling the world
376
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,416
all expenses paid - paid by
you. What are you talking about?
377
00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:59,496
I had tickets for
a luxury cruise.
378
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,976
Trip of a lifetime,
first class, upper decks,
379
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,896
but I arrived in Southampton
to find that apparently
380
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,136
there was already a
Lady Button aboard.
381
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,696
Right. I'm certain it was a
young lady that came to the house
382
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,616
looking for a housekeeping
vacancy when there wasn't one.
383
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:16,456
Used my identity to cheat
her way onto the Titanic.
384
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,056
Hang on - the Titanic? Mm.
385
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,336
The Titanic sank.
386
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:20,896
Aren't you glad
you weren't on it?
387
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:22,776
People forget that
before the iceberg,
388
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,696
it was a perfectly
pleasant trip.
389
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,496
So you did go?
390
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,296
No, I've seen the
motion picture.
391
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:32,216
Only you wouldn't catch me letting
some American oik paint my breasts.
392
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,136
I don't see how any
of this is relevant.
393
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,416
All I'm saying is beware.
394
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,976
Be very ware
395
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,017
ry.
396
00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:41,536
[TOILET FLUSHES]
397
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,080
You mark my words, young lady.
398
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,496
Alison, there you are. Great,
you too. Can you just not...?
399
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,816
I'm afraid what I have to say
may come as a shock to you.
400
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,856
And it's not your fault.
401
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:54,120
Our time together
has been a paradise.
402
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:56,656
Gah, this is hard.
403
00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,216
I know it's harder for you,
404
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:02,320
but I cannot deny my
heart has changed.
405
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,096
And I must leave you.
406
00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:07,496
Mm.
407
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:10,056
Metaphorically, of course.
I'll still live in the house.
408
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:11,520
Thanks. No problem.
409
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:15,816
CALLER: While I was
working in the home,
410
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:18,856
I struck up a friendship with
this particular lady, you see?
411
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:20,976
We just connected.
412
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:25,136
I used to talk to her when I
brought lunch to her room and so on.
413
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:28,616
And one day, she told
me her greatest regret.
414
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:29,976
What was it?
415
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,096
It was that when she
was a young girl,
416
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,496
she had a baby she
had to give up.
417
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:35,816
[GASPING]
418
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:38,096
And I still get goose
bumps now remembering it.
419
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:40,856
I knew. I just knew. She was...?
420
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,856
Yes, she was my mother.
She was the mother!
421
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,456
That's incredible.
422
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:48,016
Wow. I couldn't believe it
myself, Mike! She was the mother!
423
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:51,216
Extraordinary! And now,
we're one big happy family.
424
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,576
I've got seven grandchildren
425
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:54,960
and another one on the way.
426
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,416
Wonderful!
427
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:14,216
It works so much better with
your moves now. Thank you.
428
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:17,376
[SONG RESTARTS] Again! What?!
429
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,336
Don't you want to
go and see Alison?
430
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:20,856
Quick! Oh...
431
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,160
Give over!
432
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:27,496
Please, God, take pity
on the Loose Women.
433
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,976
Their husbands be so
worried, dear Lord.
434
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,416
Please send them...
435
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,256
[PRAYS SOFTLY]
436
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,056
It is done.
437
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:37,376
What's done?
438
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,600
The honourable thing.
439
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:43,736
It was the right thing
to do, was it not?
440
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:46,016
I could not pretend
I was not changed.
441
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,776
After all, I've not
felt this way since...
442
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:53,456
Well, since Alison came into my
life - so modern, so spirited,
443
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,216
so charming.
444
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:56,696
Was I hasty?
445
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:57,817
Perhaps I love them both.
446
00:18:57,841 --> 00:18:59,160
No! Do I?
447
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,376
Say something about
fennel or something.
448
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:04,616
Oh, fennel, yeah.
449
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,736
Well, it's a root vegetable.
450
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:08,736
Yes? Grows in soil.
451
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,536
You've got the bulb, then you've
got them lovely long shoots
452
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,976
and very pretty
flowers on the end.
453
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,016
Thrives in well-drained soil.
454
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,216
Well-drained... Bit like
celery. Always loved celery.
455
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,376
Same family as
fennel, of course.
456
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,760
Same family?
457
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:27,176
Of course! How
could I be so rash?
458
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,856
It is Alison I see in Lucy!
459
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,216
A reflection of the same
creation, the same fair qualities.
460
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,696
It does not mean I have
stopped loving onions!
461
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,416
Far from it.
462
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,016
Thank you, Mary.
463
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,656
Such insight into
matters of the heart.
464
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,776
Thank you again! Yep.
465
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,000
You're welcomes.
466
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,576
I was only speaking
of vegetables, though.
467
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,176
TV: Martine McCutcheon will
tell us about her new album,
468
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,776
plus we'll be discussing Meghan
Markle's make-up routine...
469
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,776
Oh!
470
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:01,600
Praise be! They
have been pardoned!
471
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,976
They've been pardoned!
472
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,416
The...
473
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:10,496
CALLER: Goodness, I've been
prattling on, haven't I?
474
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,856
No, no! No, no. Not at all. Not
at all, Anne. No, I won't hear it.
475
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:16,200
It's fascinating, Anne. Maybe I
get that from my mother. Who knows?
476
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,280
Anyway, you wanted to talk
to me about insurance?
477
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,376
Mike? Well... actually,
478
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,296
I don't work for the
company any more.
479
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,600
Oh? Yeah, I thought it might
be a bit exploitative, so.
480
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,136
I quit. Oh! Are you
sure that's wise?
481
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:39,616
Good for you, Mike.
A man of principle.
482
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:43,136
Yeah. Well, I suppose I'd better
go, start looking for a new job.
483
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,576
Well, I don't know if you'd be
interested, but I know my niece
484
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,856
has a position she needs
to fill at her company
485
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,536
and I think you could
be just the ticket. Oh?
486
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,856
She needs someone trustworthy...
Well played, Michael.
487
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,376
Just the ticket. Lucky git!
488
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:57,936
Thanks so much for
hearing me out.
489
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:01,696
Oh, yeah. I know this must
have come as a huge shock.
490
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,296
Yeah, you can say that again.
491
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:05,536
Can I give you my number?
492
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:09,576
And that way, it's up to you if
you want to get in touch. Yeah.
493
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,816
Alison, there you are! Forget
everything I said earlier.
494
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,136
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
495
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,896
I'd really like to get to know
you, if you want that too.
496
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,656
Yeah, I'd... You don't
have to say anything now.
497
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,136
You need time to think.
498
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,176
Thank you. Bye for now.
499
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,840
Bye! Bye. Bye.
500
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:30,456
Goodbye.
501
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,336
Forever, potentially.
502
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:35,080
Which would be fine, because
it's you I love, only you.
503
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,056
Has she gone?
504
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:49,856
How did it go? KITTY: Pat? Pat!
505
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:51,136
Oh, no! Where did you go?
506
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,656
She's a dance machine!
507
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:54,160
She can't stop!
508
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:57,856
BOTH: You are not going to
believe what just happened...
509
00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,960
To me. What? Try me.
510
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:03,896
I just said goodbye to someone
who showed up to tell me
511
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,616
she's my half sister.
Yeah, yours is better.
512
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:10,816
Apparently before he met my mum,
my dad and her mum had a thing,
513
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:14,296
then they split up and he
didn't know she was pregnant.
514
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,896
What? Yeah.
515
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:18,856
Do you find that hard
to believe? Well, yeah,
516
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,136
but not after the story I
just heard on the phone.
517
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:23,736
Just cos something's crazy
doesn't mean it can't be true.
518
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,496
I find it all rather convenient.
519
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,376
Wouldn't you agree, Julian?
520
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:28,600
Julian?
521
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,736
Julian?
522
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:32,960
Julian.
523
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,936
My name is Julian Fawcett
524
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,560
and I'm a...
525
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,440
Go on. You can do it!
526
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,256
I'm a ghost.
527
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:48,616
Well done. Well done.
528
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,256
Feel better, eh?
529
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:54,336
Take a seat. You'll
find there is a fun side
530
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:56,736
to being cut-off indefinitely
from the life you lived
531
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:58,416
and the people you loved.
532
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,016
We were just about
to play charades.
533
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,520
Yeah. Not really my bag.
534
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:06,417
Oh.
535
00:23:06,441 --> 00:23:08,856
Anyone want to play chess?
536
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,080
Oh, yeah.
537
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:14,016
Right. Do you know how?
538
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:15,360
Could learn.
539
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:19,016
Right.
540
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:20,656
I suppose we've got time.
541
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:23,056
Right, well, these little
ones are called pawns.
542
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:26,096
Prawn. And... Pawn. Prawn.
543
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:27,736
[LADY BUTTON,]
ECHOING: Julian? OK.
544
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,200
Julian? What's that?
545
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:36,856
No. Well, I mean, if I could
accept that I was dead...
546
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,536
I mean, I could except
I can see dead people.
547
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,640
Doesn't seem that
far fetched at all.
548
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,976
Looks like I have a sister.
549
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,816
Yeah.
550
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:49,040
Oh!
551
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,176
How was your day?
552
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:54,816
I quit. Oh. But then
I got a better job.
553
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:56,816
Oh, right. You have been busy.
554
00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:00,256
Kitty? No! I'm free now if
you want me to take over.
555
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:01,896
No, that's all right.
556
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:03,496
Pat's my dance partner now.
557
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:06,616
He taught me the mashed
potato, the chicken dance
558
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,256
and the banana split.
559
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,136
That's a balanced
meal. Delicious.
560
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,776
Come on, Pat! We've got
to polish our routine.
561
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:14,256
Oh, God, no!
562
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:17,296
Come on! No, mercy! No time
to lose. Please, Kitty!
563
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:18,576
And where have you been?
564
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,176
Well, I've been with young
Michael and Mr Cheese.
565
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,816
I mean, Humphrey. No, I've
learned a thing or two actually.
566
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:27,416
There are times when one
must go against the grain,
567
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:31,576
make one's own decisions rather
than simply following orders. Hm.
568
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:33,576
[CLOCK CHIMES] Ooh,
fetch the others.
569
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,216
It's time for my
talk of the day.
570
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:36,816
Fanny, yes, Fanny!
571
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,400
Thomas, Patrick, Mary, on me.
572
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,120
Still fancy that game?
573
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,336
So
574
00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:54,976
Prawn. Pawn. He goes dooka.
575
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,536
Uh-huh?
576
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,640
Prawn - dooka.
41648
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